The Digression Sessions - Ep. 230 - Back to School With Josh & Umar

Episode Date: August 28, 2017

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. If you're listening to this, I'm dead. Tired from my trip to New Orleans. Oh yeah. Is this coming out after that? Yeah, during. What are you guys doing down there? What have we been doing?

Because it's Monday and we've been there since Friday. All the things. I'm covered in beads, head to toe. Yeah. Been showing my tits. Damn, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a real slut.

Josh is actually. In a good way. I'm not shaming. Not shaming. Josh is actually on the next Real World. They're going back to New Orleans, and Josh is going to be one of the fucking... I'm one of the people. God.

You know when you're young and you watch the Real World, you're like, man, these people are so cool. They're like the coolest. If you get older, and then you realize they're adults who can just take four months out of their life to go do nothing, it's like, oh, you're a loser. Got it. You don't have a job worth losing i'm kind of in between stuff right now they started old and then they got

really young like i remember there would be like 18 year olds on there that kind of makes more sense than if you're like yeah if you can do like college or something or like you know for sure you don't have to be at the age where it's like well i'm working on my career and but yeah it's weird now because i think a lot of them have agents and shit and they're like people who want to be famous you know what i mean real world still a thing no you're right sure but those kind of yeah exactly yeah oh they must have been so mad remember because they would do all those real world challenges challenges were tight god they were so stupid i remember speaking of new orleans i remember do you remember like the super christian girl that was on that she did the challenge uh the real world uh road rules challenge and i remember there was a thing

where it was like a zip line thing where it was like a race so the road rules side had one line and then the other was a real world yeah and they had to like go down the zip line it wasn't as easy as just like getting on it you had to like pull yourself across or something like that and the the super christian girl she's like you know what it's all just kind of psychological i'm gonna mess with them so like they're ziplining like i think it was in a city so so it's building to building. So below them is the street. And so the real world girl, she starts pulling at the road rules girl's hooks that are attached to the line. What the fuck? She's smiling like, ah, I'm messing with her.

And the other girl from road rules is like, you're going to kill me. What are you doing? Jesus Christ. Do you remember the Miz? Yeah, Miz flipped it. He's a wrestler now, dude. He became a legitimate wrestler. He used to be, like, this fucking insane person.

It's both, yeah. With a character. And then you're like, he's just doing this for show. And then, like, fast forward, like, seven years. And it's like, oh, you're fighting John Cena. Cool. Yeah. But, I mean, just by basically him being like, I'm a wrestler.

This is my character. Yeah. Like, all right. That works for me. That's crazy. Wait, so what did you do? Oh, what did we do? Yeah.

Oh, man. Well, we went to Bourbon Street. Let me tell you, I have not left Bourbon Street. Oh, my God. Podcasting live from Bourbon Street. Did you get a parade? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Because I'm the mayor of Bourbon Street. Did you get a parade? Yeah, I did. Because I'm the mayor of Bourbon Street now.

That's how often I'm there. Is that the only street in New Orleans? That's like the most popular one. That's where the beads get thrown. That's only in Mardi Gras, right? Well, no. I mean, my tits are so good. Damn, dude.

They just fly out. i pass by a church hold on they run to party city and they come back and throw it well you know what uh they call new orleans what party city oh only when i'm there i'm the mayor of bourbon street i got a lot of hurricanes uh because i've been there once before and uh's their signature drink in New Orleans is the Hurricane. What's in a Hurricane? And I was trying to do the bit where it's like, huh, your signature drink is named after the thing that destroys your city.

It's like, imagine we had that in Baltimore and you go up to the bar and you're like, hey, let me get one gun violence and heroin addiction. That's awesome, dude. That joke went over a couple times, but yeah. So, yeah, we're recording this early because Karen and I are going to New Orleans, if you haven't noticed yet. Yeah, because it's for Friday, something.

What's the date? When this comes out? Well, what's today? We're recording it. The 24th. 1148. Wait. Whoops. I meant to look at it. comes out well what's today we're uh the 24th 11 48 wait it's november 48th the year a million yo i was gonna say it's pretty chilly for a summer day but uh it's pretty goddamn hot for a november day either or we're experiencing nice weather everybody like donald trump said many sides hey donald trump did you oh man dude i you know i got jealous about donald trump well

okay we'll be talking about the weather and then donald trump and then that reminded me of the eclipse uh-huh because we just had that dude everyone had such cool pictures from like dc and shit uh-huh we didn't get shit and i was so mad yeah you know we looked through the lenses though you got uh you got the glasses yeah but like for like two seconds we saw an eclipse i thought like the whole day was gonna be like a fucking just like darkest shit outside oh isn't that what it's supposed to be like it's supposed to be like kind of almost night during the day? I think it might be. I don't know. I think in like Tennessee that happened, like right in the middle of the country.

Yeah. But, you know, I don't fucking know. When I did a show a few weeks ago in D.C. and me and Dylan Meyer were hanging out at the bar afterwards. Yeah. And this fucking random drunk guy comes up and he's like, you fellas know the best place to see the eclipse in DC. Get the fuck away from me. What? He just wanted money, right?

No, he was just a weirdo. Damn, dude. Look at Candace August digging our video. Oh, my God, yeah. Well, we got our new band, Humble Hippo. Humble Hippo, yeah. We write all of Modest Mouse's songs, but just we reverse the chord progression. It's because that would still work, right?

They're all in the same key. Yeah, we just bend some notes, yell about some stuff, talk about the ocean at some point. I wanted to show you, we were talking about the eclipse. Yeah, we were. This girl on my Facebook, she posted this thing. She was like, we're just going to believe scientists. Good question. It was so nuts.

It was, oh, my God. It has like 150 likes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 19 shares. Okay, here we go. No, I mean, it got 28 likes, but 34 comments. She said, how can people not believe in God, but believe in an eclipse that you never seen or touched? Social media created all this hype overnight, and we sold on it.

Meanwhile, my ancestors been sharing the Bible for centuries, and people still like, nah, son, that ain't true. That's a genuine post. Again, I'd like to argue with her but that like do you know what that pose is is she was you know she was super psyched for the eclipse and then because the cloud coverage in baltimore she was like this ain't real scientists lied to me yeah it's like well god has a plan he put the clouds there yeah that was like daddy are they how why would scientists make up an eclipse yeah her post

the next day she's like people call it thunder but we all know that's angels bowling in the sky okay all right we've been talking about that for centuries you know what i mean is there an angels the angels of the outfield movie they like went to a bunch of other movies like sports like they they yeah it's kind of like the airbud yeah of like baseball and angels but it doesn't make sense because angels in outfield is cool but then what is like angels in the backfield back what's in the backfield my dude okay uh what's like a backfield and the back i guess so you could say it with like football. Angels in the... Angels in the... Like nothing sounds good.

No. Angels on the half shell. That was where the Ninja Turtles were supported by angels. You remember that? Oh, dude, I do remember because Splinter left them and was like the only way I'm going to come back and we're going to be a family together is if the New York Yankees win the pennant. The Yankees?

Wait, they always win. What other team is there? The Mets. No, that's basketball. Well, the whole team was the Angels, right? Yeah, but the Ninja Turtles lived in New York. Do they? Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. It's always weird when uh or maybe the turtles were on vacation in anaheim and some crime broke out and splinter left them yeah he's like y'all go to disneyland i'll be right back papa splinter needs a couple cigarettes that's a a weird did you read comic books you said yeah did you ever read the turtles i think so i had like a mix of stuff so i was never like i need all of this issue of spider-man i would kind of just get like whatever was at the shop i remember there was a gas station on ken island that would have like random comics so i just buy them there the only comics i got

into are archie and jughead they're so good what i'm not dude maybe i just have like a fondness for them because when my brother and i were young it seems like you're overcompensating for assimilating like you're like yes hot dog archie good comic that like just as like 1950s, 60s America. Just the whitest people. So good. Let's get back to the way Archie lived. Yeah, exactly. Like talking to people like, would you like to play a game of jacks and maybe get a malt after school? I'm like, shut the fuck up. Wow, I guess I'm a regular jughead.

The new Archie, there's an Archie. Yeah, the show. But it's like this weird murder mystery show. Yeah, it's called Riverdale. It sucked. I thought it was just going to be like this cool,, the show. But it's like this weird murder mystery show. Yeah, it's called Riverdale. It sucked. I thought it was just going to be like this cool, lighthearted show. I was so pumped. I sat down and I was like, the first scene is just like a brother and sister on like

a canoe and somebody dies. It's like, what the fuck? Classic Archie. I know. I was like, that never happened. Jughead, you're responsible for a double homicide. Oh, geez. Wait, did you read it uh no well didn't uh there was a tv show too yeah i never saw i didn't read it but i remember it being around

what uh am i confusing like were there comics no that's bazooka joe that was its own thing i was thinking like remember the bazooka gums yeah but it But it was like that vein of comedy. No, but I got into Archie and Jughead when I was in fourth grade. The summer between fourth and fifth grade. I was a junior year of college. I was really spreading my wings. Dude, I didn't start watching. Like an angel in the outfield. I didn't start watching Degrassi until I was in college.

And then my brother and I, this is when Netflix was new. I didn't even know Degrassi was a thing until like Drake got popular. Oh, really? Yeah. Yo, I'm not going to lie. Old school Degrassi, pretty tight. A chick got gonorrhea in her throat on that show. Is that curable?

Yeah. I mean, I'm asking. Not for me. I'm sure there's a fan listening that's like. Your fan. Josh gave a fan gonorrhea in the throat. Come on, man. Come on. Hey, he knew what he was. I mean, she knew what she was. then that's like your fan josh came up and got a re-inviter come on man come on hey he knew what he was i mean she knew what she was um but uh no uh we were in pakistan in our summer in like in the summer in between fourth and fifth grade for me uh-huh and uh we were just

so fucking bored all the time because we couldn't go out without an adult so you had to go to pakistan to discover archie yes i never thought of it that's incredible i know like i like like you've been to america you know what's cool and they're like hey i'll tell you the true dope dude it was dope because uh pakistan is like 15 years behind america in every way like right technology morality i was kidding uh not their nuclear but also television so they when they aired monday night raw it was from like the 70s dude so i watched all this 70s wrestling and because my cousins were big wrestling fans yeah dude it was dope so they were in like like the rick flair like era brent hart i mean okay so that was like 80s oh excuse me 80s yeah yeah yeah it was it was when the ropes were still

a different color right yeah they're like blue and red yeah yeah yeah and like the logo was yellowish oh it was so great man yeah we would just oh that was so cool and then we would um go to the movie store and this is uh we would or the video rental yeah yeah yeah remember when those were a thing yeah we had to hope that they had the video dude we that was for the video game that was like a big part of sleepovers oh it's huge dude you like your one of your friend's parents to drive you. You just stock up on candy and just, oh, my God. Life was amazing. Oh, my God.

You grab your favorite Archie comic. You're asleep by eight o'clock. Now you're living. Fish. Come on, dude. You pop a couple goldfish and now you're having a time. You ask a stoner for a recommendation. You get your mom to open the Capri Sun because who can open those things?

Oh, my God. Oh, dude, it was so good. But so in Pakistan, like all day, we didn't have anything to do because it was too dangerous for us to go outside. And without like an adult. Damn. Too dangerous in the sense of what? Oh, because my brother and i can't speak or do they would immediately you could though so you you kind of lost it by i lost it by the time i was

like five or six damn yeah so like as soon as you could get like a hold on english pretty much yeah well i started school without being fluent in english like i was very broken english so i guess i was just told to speak english all the time so it's like veronica archie yes much you like you like hot dog yes yes that's how you're trying to relate to people yo he's autistic for real right right y'all know what i'm talking about he on that spectrum um no i yeah english was i didn't really get a really good grasp of english until like kindergarten because i remember being that's not bad kindergarten and still but i had preschool

before that oh yeah and i remember being confused in kindergarten all the time. Like, I didn't know what. Yeah. There was, like, so many times where I just didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. Right, right. And so I had to go to ESOL. And the only thing I remember from ESOL is playing Go Fish. And on one day.

What is English second language? Yeah, it's like English second language something, something. But now it's ELL, English Language Learners. Okay. Yeah. And so you have to go to go to like so if you're struggling with english and this could even be with kids from just like oh no yeah i think this is all foreign kids uh and so they would you know try to help you catch up and just remember we would look at pictures i have to label them and she's like what's this i was like it's a bunny and she's like well what's another name for it i was like uh bitch i don't know and that's the day i learned rabbit there you go she's like try it's rabbit bitch yeah that's that's the way that's what's like

like dude i didn't know right like until i started grad school i didn't know that like like in fourth grade i got pulled out to be part of a special reading group. So once a week. And they sold it to you as it was this cool, special thing. And then when I was in grad school, I was like, oh, my God. I was in a reading intervention. And my friend, who used to be a teacher, she's like, anytime you get pulled out of class, that's not good. Not good, yeah.

You notice the kid you're sitting next to has a helmet on you're like all right cool okay yeah until grad school i i honestly i remember being like man i must be smart as fuck i'm a goddamn genius bitch yeah uh yeah i never had anything like that. It was funny, though. When I was in, I think it was second or third grade, I went to school in New Carrollton. Yeah. And there I was in gifted and talented classes. Oh, you were the only white kid in class, right?

Yeah. So it was kindergarten through sixth grade was in this school, which is a ton of kids. And I was one of four i was one of four white kids in like the entire school and uh yeah no i remember actually like being cool and i was like that's where i was like i like rap now but i still had like i had like rock tapes i remember having the offspring smash oh dude so good yeah i got that yeah and so uh but uh yeah so anyway i went from there and then like i went then i came back to ken island and then they're like oh no like we all know our multiplication tables and i was like oh no i'm not the smartest kid anymore and i i had a

little like trouble adjusting so i was like used to being like what's up i'm gifted and talented you could just spell your name i guess i'm a fucking genius huh i never was in a gt class really it was only in honors which is like the middle yeah yeah i didn't even know there were standard classes and i legit a high school teacher legit was like look if i tell you guys something can you not tell me like will you guys just keep it in this room when we're like okay she was like look honors means that you guys something, can you not tell me? Like, will you guys just keep it in this room? And we're like, okay. She was like, look, honors means that you guys are, like, average. And she was like, it means that, like, there's a good chance you're going to go to college. Right. GT, AP, definitely going to college.

We're going to really nurture that mid-year standard. These kids aren't going anywhere. I was like, oh, my God. Aren't going anywhere. Yeah, she was a bitch. I'll just cigarette yeah taking a belt off a whiskey bottle she's like a shitty teacher like who like was just in bed do you have you ever like an like embarrassed in front of a class i don't think so i don't think i've ever had anybody that's like really yeah bad i mean maybe maybe i was too young like i always i always kind of had

interesting teachers i had some people that knew their stuff some that like weren't as get in like engaged maybe as they should be but i never had anybody that was like embarrassing i don't think but there was one woman for that i had in like sixth grade that was teaching i think what do you take algebra and it was just like the way i don't know it was really weird like i always thought that i was smart too so i would like try to explain it right oh my god you can't explain it i'm like well it's easier for them but and so i yeah i always just had like interesting people one of my favorites was uh mr ickis though he was amazing mr ickis he looked like looked like a garden gnome come to life.

He's like bald on top, but had like hair on the sides and a big bushy beard. Yeah. He's about, I don't know, maybe like 5'6", 5'7". And he had, on his pinky, had like this big growth on like his left pinky. And like he would always, he would kind of talk like an old prospector. Yeah. He was my favorite. He always had such a good sense of humor. And he was like, can of talk like an old prospector yeah he was my favorite he always had such a good sense of humor and he was like kind of talk like this i'm a you know he did it on purpose no he would kind of lean into it a little bit old timey old man

yeah yeah yeah but he was like very self-aware at the same time and just kind of in his own lane like there was one time he was doing uh an equation on the board yeah and with the chalk and stuff he's like and he would call numbers like good old boys he's like all right you take the seven take that good old boy bring it down here and then he was he was tapping on the chalkboard that's the coolest yeah and he goes you bring it on down here and he's tapping on the chalkboard and he's like tapping for like 10 seconds which is a long time as a teacher and he's not saying anything and then he just kind of like turn he's like and that's when the old man went crazy and you're like what are you what are you the best do people like oh yeah that's awesome because i can imagine middle school kids being too cool so

this was uh this was high school so i had i had him in like ninth grade through I think like 11th grade. Yeah. So it was like little stuff like that. He would always be so funny. And like there was we were going over a word problem about it's like a man when we're doing like vectors or something like that. So it's like a man is he's 90 feet in the air. So he's this high in the air.

And somebody goes, Mr. Rick is do you get high? And he goes to grade your papers. I have to. Oh, guy's a genius oh he ruled he's a comedic genius yeah and so he would always uh and he'd have like uh you think i have weird like phrases and stuff he would have tons of them yeah like he he didn't show up one day and then the next day we're like where were you he's like i had to see a man about a horse you know what which basically it turns out it's like an old timey saying which means like fuck off i'm not gonna tell you that's awesome and uh so anyway he had this big growth on his pinky it was i mean like it was like it looked like he like broke it and then like never kind of healed right yeah and he was like mr kudurna'd always call me kuderna they go uh mr kuderna

he watches my every move keeps a tight eye on my misshapen pinky and i went no i don't i mean i might look at it not again oh my god i'll stare at it what did he teach again math oh so i had him for like algebra and trigonometry and calculus and stuff oh god he was the best we had uh we had so much i had so many character teachers man in high school like yeah this dude uh mr streets he was awesome he would uh oh fuck he uh i remember one time uh we had a blind girl in class uh-huh he was such a dicker oh no she was kind of shitty right like just because you're blind doesn't mean you can't be shitty yeah yeah she had an aide who was with her every day yeah and would walk from class to class and she came late one day yeah Mr. Streets goes, would you guys take this scenic route? Oh, my God.

Jesus. And then she used to fall asleep during class. And he would, I'm not making this up. He would go, like, you know, like, walk as he's lecturing, walk near her and just start clapping. He's like, all right, let's get to work. What a dick. Oh, no, I thought it was. I know. i guess it is kind of a dick as a teacher i think you must he was really good at his job but you could tell he was kind of like like he had an edge to exactly i was gonna say it's like not the worst thing but it is

kind of a dick yeah i remember he liked he used to like weezer a lot we talked about that yeah he called me him and this other teacher called me dude because I said dude all the time. I believe it. I called everyone dude, even teachers and stuff. To this day. Yes, that's true. Yeah. Club owners and managers. so uh one time uh he this kid got um we got progress reports back and he got like a d for

participation and he's like what mr street's like why and he was like and he was like because you say dude too much and he was like well so does umar he's like yeah but i like umar that's what's up dude and he was like so meticulous. When you erased his boards, you had to put a Kleenex over the brush. And then you had to only go down. It was like super OCD. Yeah, that's bizarre. That's too much. Oh, one time this kid got stabbed at a high school dance.

Jesus. And so he had to be confined to a wheelchair for like a month or something. Whoa. Yeah, he got stabbed in the back. Like a fight broke out. And actually, Mr. Street tried to break it up, and he got punched like a bunch. Dang. Yeah, but he didn't want to get this kid expelled or anything.

Right. So the kid was in a wheelchair, but he would sit in a regular chair. The wheelchair was just to get from class to class. And Mr. Street's door was connected to another classroom, and he just pushed his wheelchair in there and locked the door why just to fuck with him i mean obviously he brought it back which is a fuck and there's another teacher in there and he was kind of a dork yeah mr street would always go in there and just make fun of him while he's i guess mr streets is bully. Now that I think about it, he's kind of a dick. My math teachers, they're always the most interesting ones.

We had one in seventh grade. His name was Mr. Gary, and his first name was Gerald, we found out. So his name was Gary. Gary Gerald. His name was Gary Gary, essentially. Because it's Gerald, you can be gary right i think i don't know oh well gerald gary either way still it's pretty good but he is like the like like out of like the 1950s like short like flat top hair like skinny as a rail but just like

very like stern you know and uh he would like hunt and stuff like that one day he brought in a bear that he killed like half of it and put it on the chalkboard like jesus i had to stay after class once because i i fucked up i think i was like late to class too many times or something like that and i had to stay and write an essay and so it's me and him and uh he's like lunch hour you gotta come and he kind of had like a little bit of a southern twang, not too much. He lived in Delaware. And he's like, lunch hour, me and you. You're going to write an essay, 800 words on why it's bad to be late or whatever.

So it's me and him and I'm like writing. And he has a tuna sandwich or something. God, no. What did he have? He had something where he's like, I got my lunch. My wife forgot to put a knife in there. And then he pulls out of his pocket and goes, good thing I always bring one with me. And I was like, I got my lunch. My wife forgot to put a knife in there. And then he pulls out of his pocket. He goes, good thing I always bring one with me.

And I was like, no, no. Mr. Jerry had like a knife. Dude, things were so much looser even when we were in high school. Yeah. I was just like, god damn. And he was great because he was also like saying stuff you shouldn't be telling people. Because he was like, I want y'all to know. I want y'all to learn.

I'm not going to be here all the time. I'm going to be dead. I'm 50. I'll be dead soon. He always said that. I'm 50. I'll be dead soon. One day he goes, when I die, I don't need much.

All I wanted was just to be, just let me float down the river. But I checked into it. That's illegal. You can't do that. You ask somebody, like, I'm'm 50 i'll be dead soon you just put me in the river that's so cool uh oh man we had uh this teacher mr greco and like everyone thought he was gay and i don't just because like he wore like he just wore like really nice like ralph Ralph Lauren shirts all the time. I love that thing. He's like, he looks nice.

Must be gay. Yeah, but he was just kind of like an old, not old school, but just like a flashy Italian guy. And he was really cool. But man, my class was so bad. It was so bad. We had him last period. He hated us. We had the worst kids in the class. And I was so bad right in last period he hated us we had the worst kids in the class

and uh i was so dumb i got a d the first quarter because have you ever diagrammed a sentence uh yeah you mean like like uh subject predicate and all that i don't know like i literally don't know what a predicate is and like it'd be like the verb i couldn't ever diagram the sentences like right it gets complex as fuck and we have tests on those and i would fail every single one and i would fill every spell we had spelling oh vocab tests where you know you have to study i would just never study oh really just because i didn't care and but i would print out in the beginning i would get i would get away with it because I cheated. Literally on everything in high school, I cheated.

Right. I would print out for every test, I would print out like an eight-point font, everything I needed to know. And so I could just palm the cheat sheet. Wow. And everyone was doing this. I literally would just make them for the class. Wow.

Yeah. And then he got privy to the fact that people were cheating. He's like, wow, the whole class got 100 again. So he started walking around and I couldn't cheat. And I was like, well, I'm not going to study. So I'll just fail. I mean, what am I going to do? Study?

Yeah. Like some type of idiot? Oh, one time I had all my brother's like old tests and quizzes for certain classes yeah this one teacher was recycling everything and we had this huge it was for history 50 fill in the blank test but no word bank but rahil had his old test yeah and he had in the teacher put the correct answers on it. Oh, wow. I was too scared to have a cheat sheet for him because this guy's scary. But I memorized every fucking, like the order of every word.

And then I made cheat sheets too and gave it to everybody. Good for you. And so the next class after the test, he's like, he put the test down. He's like, I know you guys cheated. There's no way everyone got 100. Yeah. And I'm going to look into this. And I got so scared. But I never got caught.

Oh, nice. Yeah. I had a similar thing in community college because i took a course over the uh over the summer is it like yeah it was like earth science or something like that and earth science was like the most basic science class in high school easiest one but in college it was a little more in depth oh really and i took it over the summer and i like i kind of wasn't into it as much and i eventually had to like withdraw from the class because like i just wasn't it was during the summer and i was like also it's a four credit class because you have to have a lab yeah so it's like dude i don't feel like all you uh all you

seniors out there listening when you go to college four credits means there's a lab usually all right guys okay i know we have a lot of young listeners there's no way we do um i know but luckily i had the the first test left over and uh i did the same thing where i was i was so dumb like i should have fucked it up a little bit but uh and luckily the guy was like kind of old and aloof like one day he came to class and he had a balloon tied to one of his fingers and i was like oh this guy didn't give a fuck and he just never explained it so when he put the the hundred on my like on my desk for the test he's like how about that and i was like yep like yeah same thing like my heart's beating like oh my god i'm in trouble he's just like there you go like oh my god oh my god we had this physics

teacher mr mercer he was the nicest guy, but he had the saddest life. He immigrated to this country. I think he gave up a really high paying job. I think he was a doctor to work at our school. He just loved teaching physics. God bless those people who just enjoy. I know, who put up with shitty kids. Yeah, like, no, I just love knowledge. I'm like, man, you're gay. Yeah. Like, no, I just, I love knowledge.

And like, man, you're gay. He's like, well, I'm gay for knowledge. And I hope we can all share in this. And he's like, he, he, his, like his wife died one summer. And then like. Killed herself because he was such a nerd, right? He, he runs like Ironmans. Like he does Ironmans. Yeah. Which is like iron mans like he does iron mans yeah which is

like super intense yeah those are like those like 100 mile yeah it's like running yeah all that yeah while he was training for it he got hit by a bus so he was like pretty fucked up and then like you have to teach the shitty kids but he was so great. Like, homework, he would only grade, like, if you attempted and he wanted you to show your work. But he would barely. He was from Boston. He talked. He was like, Uma. Uma.

Yeah, that's how he would talk. And he was like. Hey, listen to your chat ahead. Yeah. So he would just take the homework. He was like, oh, okay. What do you have? And he would just put a check on it.

So then there was a couple times I literally just scratched out the check and turned in the same homework and i got another check on it and then one time my brother he told me the year before i wasn't this bold but my brother turned in his algebra 2 homework and he just put a check on it nice yeah and i that was the only classic i caught cheating and it sucked so oh really yeah uma you cheetah yeah well he yeah i just never did my home i was a bad high school student yeah i never did my homework bad boy so every morning i copied off my friend jamie lee uh-huh like it got to the point where i'd walk in the homeroom and she was handed to me without saying anything jesus and one day i was um uh i was we just finished taking a test.

It was a computer class. So I started copying the homework again. Right. But the teacher was walking around this time because people were taking a test. And she was like, what's that? And then I slipped the papers on top of each other. I was like, nothing. Yeah.

And she's like, are you copying? And I was like, no. Yeah. And she was like, all right, well, give me those. And then I refused. I was like, nah. I'm not all right well give me those and then i like refused i was like nah i'm not gonna get i'll give you my like look i was copying but i'm not gonna give you the person i'm copying off of i don't want them to get in trouble oh there you go and i said like i'll just you know i'll give you mine and i'm not gonna give you the other persons and like

we debated for like three minutes and then finally she like the whole class paused and just staring at it that's so funny that's so exciting like look i'll go down but i sneak yeah and uh she was really cool but she was like no you know what and she said this real loud because like when i was in high school i was a good kid and i always got pushed around to like give my homework and it was like jamie Lee was one of my best friends. Right. So now it just became a thing for her. Yeah.

And it was like, and then like I, Jamie Lee is like this quiet Asian chick who did like got straight A's. And it's like, why the fuck? Like I don't want her to be a parent. She was a Heyman Lee's sister, right?

And then so like, and everyone knew it was her paper yeah because everyone knew i copied off of her uh-huh and then so the next class so she was like i'm gonna email mr mercer and let him know that you guys were copying and i was like fuck and like jamie lee was so like so quiet and we had this really shitty kid oh okay so we go to mr merson i'm like look let's just tell him before he reads email and you know it'll it'll come off better and so we told him and because we were honest with him he was like i'm not gonna get you i'm not gonna like send you to the office i'm gonna tell your parents just you know just don't do it again yeah but that whole class we were both so embarrassed

and we sat next to each other uh-huh and um usually i'm super loud in a class clown and this kid i forgot his name he's like hey uma why are you so quiet today huh this is so funny got him he's like you and jamie lee very quiet today shut up man yeah come on i'm not in the mood uh you missed i said uh that's hayman lee's sister hey i don't joke about death okay oh me either but that will be serial season three oh jesus christ another brown guy bringing down one of the lee sisters oh with just me copying her homework i thought you meant i'm gonna murder her oh well hey i don't know what you do i don't know i think she's you know i haven't seen her in a long time because she's dead is that why did you ever see that meme like his patrice

o'neill had that joke like that he doesn't even litter like he doesn't want to throw a bottle out the window because he doesn't want it to land next to some dead white woman and that's exactly what happened with cereal do you you remember that? Alcoholic. He threw the bottle out of the window, like, yeah, where her body was dumped. So then he became a fucking.

Yeah. Suspect. That is a weird thing. The whole thing was so weird. But he totally fucking did it. Did he? Right. Look,

man, I don't know. I don't know. Listen, I don't know. I don't know. It was probably some jughead. I don't know. I don't know. Listen, I don't know. It was probably some jughead. I don't know.

Do you feel weird as a white dude saying that he did it? No. I just... Because there's just so many... It's so many weird things. Yeah. I don't know. I want to get into the whole thing.

It's very possible, but at the same time, the guy that found her body, it's way off the beaten path, which is really weird. Jay's timeline doesn't match up. No. There's so much weird stuff there. And like, I don't know. His fucking lawyer was awful. I don't know.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. A lot of people are like, yeah, he probably did it. But I don't know. I know. Listen. We'll find out, I guess. Hey, we'll find out.

Second trial. Yeah. Don't try to. You're trying to get the spotlight off of you, but we all know what you did. What did I do? You're a cheater. You're going to find out. I am a cheater.

Serial. Season three. You never cheated in college. You ever cheat in college? Yeah. Remember I just told you the community college thing? I didn't cheat in like regular college. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I never cheated. Once I got to college, I was like a straight A student. It was nuts. Yeah. No, I mean, that one, it was just like earth science. It was like me and earth science are not clicking. No, I never cheated. Once I got to college, I was like a straight-A student. It was nuts. Yeah, no, I mean, that one, it was just like earth science.

It was like me and earth science are not clicking. No, dude. Dude, I took earth science also in high school because senior year, I had, like, I had to, we did A-B day schedules, but I did this thing where I enroll in community college my senior year. Same. So if you did that, you only had to come to two classes a day. So you got out of school at 10.45.

Yeah. And I was dumb looking back on it. I only took one class. So I only had a community college class on Tuesday and Thursday. And Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I just went home and watched TV and ate honey bunches of oats. And then I would just go to work. It was the life. It was the best.

So my second semester of high school, I didn't even have to show up. What? Because I was registered for four college classes. Oh, that's awesome. So, man, I forgot why I'm telling this story. A lot of high school memory lane. So you were enrolled half the time. Oh, yes.

We had 8A B-Day schedules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you only had to do classes. So my B-Day was gym and then study hall. Really? Yeah. And after two weeks, my guidance counselor, who I've never spoken to before, called me in her office.

She was like, look, you have to take at least one real class this year. Yeah. And so I was like, all right, what's the easiest one? I was like, I'll take earth science. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Earth science in high school is like for dummies.

It was. But it was so easy. All right. Which one of these is a rock? And it'd be a rock and then like a balled up piece of paper. I wish I could remember his name. He was such a weird. They're like, all right, which one of these is a rock? And it'd be a rock and then like a balled up piece of paper. Yeah, dude. I don't know. I wish I could remember his name.

He was such a weird. This guy had the worst luck. Like, I remember. Oh, now I remember. Mr. Streets used to just go in there all the time. Like, hey, man, you okay? You need help pulling down the screen for the overhead? Yeah.

Because one day. Yeah. Mr. Streets is a fucking bully. Because one day, Mr. Streets is a fucking bully. Because one day, my earth sign teacher, this was the year before I had him. He went to go pull the screen down and one of the hooks unlatched and it swung down and just hit him on the temple. And he fucking passed out and had to go to an ambulance at the fucking government campus. Did you guys laugh? I wasn't in the class, but I think people were laughing and then got scared yeah yeah because initially you gotta laugh yeah he's like

oh shit is he dead like that's like old school comedy like let me just pull it oh and then like yeah he was just you know kind of a nerd yeah yeah poor guy uh yeah we would do a thing at mr ickus's class um since it was like algebra and trigonometry, we used a TI-83. Yeah. And you could do it so you could plug the calculator into like an overhead projector. Yeah, yeah. So I would always type penis on it before he turned it on. So he'd turn it on and then it'd just be projected.

I remember he was just like, who wrote that? Dude, that's so awesome. Oh, he was the best. I had a chemistry teacher call me. I didn't understand how chemistry... I still don't get chemistry. Did you remember you had to add and subtract bonds or some shit? Sure.

Well, you got covalent bonds. You got James bonds. Okay. I was like, dude, is this guy going to keep going? That's nuts. I was surprised I pulled covalent yeah me too i hope someone writes you oh covalent covalent sounds like a emo band from when we grew up like dude you seen covalent oh that is good yeah uh but i remember i like i don't even think i was

mean in this class or like bad or anything and i just i just was always lost and i remember asking her a question and i guess she just had well she was just a cunt like she was having a bad day maybe but she was always just mean but maybe she was having a super extra bad day yeah and uh i asked a question and she was like literally in front of the whole class verbatim said your brother wasn't as stupid as you and i was just like oh my god i wish i knew enough i could i was like oh this bitch is getting fired oh for sure could you imagine if social media existed back then she's like you ain't no heezy bear how dare you i dude and i picked up on the... She would only tease brown kids. One time this kid, he was...

Only tease, you said? She would pick on... Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. I thought you meant teach. She's like, I'll only take the brown ones. No, no. That'd be extra weird. One time this kid, I don't know why.

He did look stupid, but he was sitting with just half of his jacket on like he's a pitcher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. and she made fun of him was like oh what do you think you're like a baseball pit and like was like why it looks stupid or what i was like damn yo what is this bitch is probably he wasn't even doing anything yeah oh god i wish i could go back and be like dude your life sucks yeah you realize too it's like oh these people are like our age as well yeah i worked with uh worked with uh went to school with uh oh yeah some of the teachers like one of the teachers looking back well i think we knew it at the time too like we were in 11th grade and figuring out like this guy's just a fucking loser it's just like uh hey uh somebody keyed my car and from the crowd, the class laughed.

And he's like, it's not funny. And then he was like, nah, what are you guys talking about? Music? I like music. I'm into stuff. I like, yeah, I like Nickelback. And we're like, he let the tire like, man. Yeah, he's like, three doors down, Nickelback.

Yeah, I like it all. Is he kidding? No, he was serious. Oh, no. We also, we. yeah nostalgia i know yeah it's just the the school thing i gotta i gotta wrap up yeah my dad good we're i had my you know my birthday recently and uh we went out to dinner my dad's thinking about things he wants to do after he retires yeah one was he wants to teach uh odd like an audit because

he's an auditor like classes at a community college i was like no dad no no no your english is not you you can't write lesson plans like that would be people yeah and then he was like oh yeah well then i could be uh you know uh a substitute teacher could you imagine my dad he would get eaten up anywhere he goes people would be shitty to him poor soul the matter he got the funnier it would be i know people would oh my god i like and i don't want to tell my dad like why he can't be it's just like dad people would just make fun of you non-stop oh you know that you can't say it but then you don't want him to experience it like a community college he might be okay but he can't if he did like with older but with older people yeah i mean you would get some younger people but there'd be less less open shittiness

yeah his english just isn't that good though man and to be able to explain concepts to people yeah you have to you know, you have to be like... No, I get it. I get it. Got to build that wall. I hear what you're saying. English only, motherfucker. I know, dude.

Dad, you're the problem. Welcome to America. Speak English. That's pretty much what I did when I... Oh, well, this is in the future. Yeah, when I opened up for a party this weekend. Yeah, there you go. I was just like, build...

Oh, God, I would love to just go in on some like you know faux me being pro-drump jokes you should do it no do it no do it nah i think you could pull it off well i feel like you could i don't know man honestly i i really like if you even did the whole build the wall thing i don't know know. Tina Fey got shit for the most innocuous fucking sketch. No, I think what she got shit for. And I think rightly so. What? She told people to stay home.

It was satirical. I don't think she. Dude, I watched it. And what I got from it was she was making fun of like people privileged white people who like don't participate but like so i think that's i'd have to re-watch it i think it was all great but i think just at the end of saying stay home but i think she was saying that too on the heels of somebody being murdered at one of these things so i think she was trying to say like let's just avoid the violence altogether but no i think what she was saying was, look how stupid you look when all this shit is happening.

You're just watching and stuffing your face at home. You look stupid. That's the way I got it. Interesting. It was making fun of inaction. Gotcha, gotcha. From privileged white people. Yeah, I don't know.

That's how I read it. I'd have to rewatch it. Because I didn't want to read any of the think pieces before watching the actual video i just knew there's hate around it was really funny too the way she was like when she was making fun of uh she's like you turds in polo shirts like and uh making fun of paul ryan literally called him a pussy that was great yeah that's great uh you know i thought the whole thing was good too and i don't think like che would have signed off if he thought it was like offensive. So I don't know.

Che doesn't give a fuck anyway. Like he does not care about offending people. No, no. Or it being, you know, lame in the sense of like selling people out and stuff. But I don't know. It was really frustrating because it just seems so like. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd have to rewatch it it so maybe i don't know maybe me and the rest of the whiteys were taking it too literally i i don't even think it was like dude i think it was like 20 like just like when chris rock and louis ck did their monologues and like and they were and the people were offended and then you're like oh it was 20 people on twitter and they took screenshots yeah yeah yeah so then you then you're using headlines to shape people's opinions of an event so like without even seeing it like you know it actually wasn't offensive right when you actually watch like louis ck or chris rock's bit yeah yeah oh yeah totally well and uh everybody showed up anyway so it was like what like 20 000 people to like 100 or something

boston it's fucking crazy amazing i love that yeah apparently chapelle took back his remember his monologue he said uh oh about like giving trump a chance he took that back on colbert recently well yeah he said he also said too he's i think he yeah i watched that was pretty great but i think he was saying that uh he's like yeah i didn't even like kind of want to say it just kind of came out but uh because it's like what you have to say some bullshit like just happened yeah so you know you're a black dude yeah all that said i think what we're getting at is uh you know you think you can do trump's job huh you think he can do his job honestly no man that was one of my favorite uh so there's i couldn't host the apprentice i don't work in business i wouldn't... I don't know what I'm doing.

How am I supposed to know if Meatloaf or Gary Busey makes a better meatball sub? I don't know. Dude. No, there is this group from... This rap group, one of my favorites from Pittsburgh called Grand Buffet. Everybody should check them out. I think they have a band camp. But it was when George Bush was president.

And they had a line. It was kind of like in and they had a line. It was kind of like in the middle of a song. And he just goes, a lot of people ragging on the president. You think you can do his job? Show some fucking respect. But it was, of course, like joking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just so funny.

Show some fucking respect. You think you can do his job? But nobody knows how to do that job, right? Yeah, I think... Except for Hillary. I mean, Hillary was obviously the most... Hilldog. Hilldog's the most ever qualified person to be president. And we were just like, you know what?

Yeah, well, we don't have to get... I mean, first of all, she's a woman. So, what's she going to do with her tiny brain in that big office? You know what I mean? Let's wrap up here um uh there was uh one thing that i saw it was really funny he was on the was on the john oliver show and such a shitty liberal thing like i saw on the john oliver show yeah uh but they're doing an interview uh i think it was like cbs news is

doing an interview with uh donald trump like when he like kind of first got into office the first couple months. And they're in the Oval Office and they're just standing there. And the reporter, he goes, George Bush said that what's most interesting about the Oval Office is there's nowhere to hide. In that it's like a metaphor of saying, like, you're now president. Like, you have to deal with everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The buck stops here, basically. Right.

I mean, like, you're the end of the line. You're the president. All eyes on you. And Trump took it literally. He goes, oh, yeah, no corners. You can't hide. Or something like that. And the reporter goes,

no, I think what he was saying was a metaphor. And he's like, oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. God. Yeah, I love that shit. That tweet where he spelled heel. Yeah. And they, like, replaced it a couple of times.

And did you see he retweeted the fascist thing? Oh, the train thing? The train. That's fucking unbelievable. Again, you think you can do his job? Dude, I can't. You know, and I don't know if I could spell heel correctly if I was under that pressure. Yeah, he's like, I grew up speaking Urdu.

What am I supposed to do, huh? I don't know. I'm just reading Archie and Jughead, huh? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to run a country. That Veronica, nice pair of tits, though, huh? Share their cartoon.

I'd grab that pussy. I'd grab that cartoon pussy. You know what I'm saying? Okay. All right. You got any plugs? I'd invite Veronica to the Oval Office. No corners. No that cartoon pussy. You know what I'm saying? Okay. All right. You got any plugs? I'd invite Veronica to the Oval Office. No corners.

No where to hide. You know what I mean? I'd grab her pussy. All right. Let's see. That was our president, not us guys. That's our president. Let's see.

I am on September 2nd. I will be at Positano Grill. Okay. That's a Kurt Shackelford in Bethesda. Yeah, Positano Grill. I'll be featuring there. And what else is coming up? I was going to do a show on the 7th, but you got the Mike Kaplan show, which is sold out here in Baltimore.

Oh, yeah. September 7th, Mike Kaplan. September. 7th. Yeah, that's 7th. The Wednesday before that on September 6th, I will be at Ragtime featuring. You might be hosting, Josh.

I don't know. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll be there. In Arlington. And then October 4th, I'll be at the Overachiever Show. DC Draft House. DC Draft House, yeah. Yeah yeah there you go uh let's see september so that would be the 14th i will be at the draft house as well uh i'll be performing on

that show speechless we do with it's uh it's powerpoints but it's like an improv show we have to defend your powerpoint and we're going to be doing that with the summer camp show which is a popular show in dc so the people from that will be the other contestants be a little end of summer blowout and then the 23rd i will be doing church night in dc follow us on twitter and instagram at josh could turn on both of those at dig slash pod on twitter and we have a facebook page say hello on that and uh we we love all you guys and again uh we're just talking about Trump. And so this is going to come out in a couple of days. So if he did something ridiculous.

Yes. And we didn't mention it. We seem real dumb. Yeah. That's crazy, too. It's like literally like hour by hour. Like, sorry, we recorded this at 9 a.m. We don't know.

He just bombs a fucking country. We're all like, hey, remember when he talked about pussy? Hey, we can't do his job. You know what I mean? Come on. It's the joke. All right, guys. Bye-bye, everybody.

Dave Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah