The Digression Sessions - Ep. 231 - Myq Kaplan! (@MyqKaplan)

Episode Date: September 7, 2017

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are joined by comedian Myq Kaplan! Myq was staying with the boys while he did Umar's stand up show, Gin and Jokes, and was nice enough to pod with them! Myq's new album, No Kidding, is available now and here! This was a really fun pod. Enjoy! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

TAGE NETWORK That's a Gotti Well I haven't been running in like two weeks I need my shoes too, I think that's the big Oh me too, let's go together Oh Oh Charm City Run Yeah where is that? I go to the one on Let's go together. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Charm City Run. Yeah, where is that? I go to the one in Towson. Oh, okay. Right off York Road. I think it's considered Timonium. Okay. Maybe Saturday morning?

Yeah. Let's do it. Hello, Mike. Who do we have joining us at the kitchen table? Hello. This is how I was. Hey. That was my girlfriend, Karen, for a second.

Hello, I'm Karen. Good to see you, babe. Yeah, absolutely. Is this the podcast? This is the podcast. This is it. We have Mike Kaplan, everybody. Brr, brr, brr.

Give it up. Oh, wow. I'm so embarrassed that I did that hilarious bit. Well, we can we'll totally leave it in so don't worry that's important to me yeah i used to edit and then uh it took time to do that so i don't do it anymore i hear you yeah why put effort into your work right i. You know what I mean? I mean, the trash that listen to this, they get it. Dude. They get it. You end up with more, not less. That's true.

You know what they say. More is less. They do say that. Never mind. Well, Mike Kaplan, of many, many things of note. Of Nazareth. Of Nazareth. You were there when... Wait Of Nazareth. You were there

when... Wait, Nazareth is... I wanted to see what you were going to say there. Hold on. What did you think happened at Nazareth? I think I'm thinking the scene, wherever the Bible was... Didn't they pick and choose what books go into the Bible? Didn't they do the Bible in Nazareth?

What is Nazareth? Am I stupid? I don't get pop culture references. That's a Bible thing, Nazareth. What is Nazareth? Am I stupid? I don't get pop culture references. That's a Bible thing, Nazareth. Jesus of Nazareth. Sorry, there's like the something of Nassim and that's where they like picked and choose what goes into the Bible or not, right? After some war.

That sounds about right. Right? Don't you know that? The point is, I'm Mike Kaplan. Hello. Thank you for having me. Yeah, you might. I don't know what nazareth is other than it is what jesus is of he's of that he's from nazareth he's composed of it i think like josh kaderna of eastern shore uh-huh uh mike caplan of where are you from mike originally new jersey okay now of brooklyn brooklyn nazareth new jersey or okay okay i don't know what it is Okay. Now of Brooklyn. Brooklyn. In Nazareth, New Jersey? Yes. Okay.

I don't know what it is. You were in LA for a minute, right? I've visited LA many times. If you're asking if I've paid rent in LA, the answer is no. I never. I stiffed all the landlords of LA. Wow. Holy shit, dude.

By never applying for apartments there. Damn. You know, I've lived in New Jersey till college, then Boston till I was about 30, and then New York since then. Did you start comedy in Boston? I did. Nice. I started comedy in Boston.

There wasn't any comedy in Boston. Yeah. I started comedy in Boston. Finally. And then like Louis C.K. heard about it. He's like, you know what? Yeah. I'm from Boston. Can started comedy in Boston. And then like Louis C.K. heard about it. He's like, you know what? Yeah.

I'm from Boston. Can I also have done comedy in Boston? Excuse me? I wish I would have known. One time, an interviewer, I got to look up what he exactly said, but he's like, oh, Boston. He wasn't like necessarily a comedy aficionado. He worked for a newspaper and he was interviewing me. And he was like, Boston has

a comedy legacy, right? You've got, I guess, Jay Leno and Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck? Marky Mark. Those were three or four names. Was he trolling you? I think he was

being sincere. Oh, my God. You know that guy who punched an Asian dude in the face and now he's permanently blind in one eye? He's a comedic genius. Cut to me crossing out the same question. Like, do not ask about Ben Affleck, Jay Leno. I'm like, what an idiot. People always get to it.

No, I feel, yeah, I don't want to be a hack. The point is, Bostonoston i did begin comedy there i like the boston comedy scene i've been up there a couple times they're really honest not sorry not to interrupt mike just glue that thing to your bottom lip yeah it's not gonna pick you up so everything you've done wow we gotta start over let's start from the beginning i didn't know for real should we, should we? Nazareth? No, I'm just kidding. No, no, no. It's fine.

We're good. We're good. No, Boston's a cool scene because usually, I mean, most people, like, places are nice, you know, like, scenes are nice when you visit. But, like, Boston people, dude, so, like, unbelievably nice. I just ended up booking one, like, showcase that led to, in the same night another and then another you know what i mean like there and then like uh i don't get it huh i don't get it like they're just nice yes they're really nice and then when i came back they were like everyone was throwing shows at me and it's not like i think they just want like they're just like such an welcoming scene. Yeah. I accept

your accolades. So thank you for starting comedy. You are welcome. All are welcome. All? All are welcome to Boston. Wow. Everyone. Please. Ben Affleck. Anyone. Matt Damon. From any country please come

to Boston. Okay. Anywhere in America. Okay. Any country. There's no country you're excluding. I. Okay. And anywhere in America. Okay. Any country. Wow. There's no country you're excluding. I feel like you could exclude one country. The whole world does listen to the podcast. Thank you.

That's true. We're international fame. Well, I think North Koreans. Can they go there? Sanctuary? I hope they can get out of there. Okay. Get out of there.

If you can make it out of North Korea, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Also, people talk a lot of shit about North Korea. Great comedy scene, though. They really need it over there. Okay. Out of there. If you can make it on North Korea, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Also, people talk a lot of shit about North Korea. Great comedy scene, though. They really need it over there. Very buttoned up culture. Josh went there. You did one mic? I did one mic, and then I got on another mic, and then I came back, and they were just so

cool. Really inviting. So nice. Wow. Really, yeah. I thought at first that you were doing a bit, but now I understand that that's true. Yeah. And North Korea's comedy scene is dope.

It's really good. People don't laugh that much because they're starving to death. You could see on their pained faces they wanted to laugh. They say that Letterman kept his studio very cold because that people laughed more when they were actually slightly

uncomfortable in that direction. Perhaps that would actually make people laugh more if they were hungry. So I'm beginning to have doubts about your scenario. Is that actually true? Did Letterman actually keep his studio cold for that reason? I believe so. Yeah. He thinks people laugh more when they're cold?

Yes. Yeah, I think they're more engaged. Because if you're warm, you're a little more lethargic. Holy shit. If you're cold, you've got to be focused. You know what's interesting? They've done research. Social psychologists have done research.

So they did research where they would give people who are interviewing people either a warm cup of coffee, like a hot coffee or an ice beverage. If they're holding a warm beverage, they're more likely to rate the person they're interviewing as more pleasant they're more like they're more likely to like them i like interesting i like stuff like that do you ever read any uh dan arieli yes i have the uh behavioral economics guy right yeah yeah that shit is dope it that shit is dope is it well is there a specific study you had? Is that the name of his? He does tons of things like that. Like, he had a book called The Honest Truth About Dishonesty, about, like, when people lie and in what situations and how much we lie to ourselves. What was the most, like, you read the study, like, holy shit. I mean, here was one that, like, they would talk to, like, a bunch of golfers.

And, like, most golfers were like, I don't lie about, you know, like, where I don't move the ball or anything. But they're're like i assume everybody else does and they would ask people like would you like pick up the ball and move it if nobody would know yeah most people were like nah but they'd be like would you like maybe accidentally knock it with your foot they'd be like you know maybe and then what about like you're the farther it got away like from the with the club they'd be the farther it got from your body the more likely people were to like disavow responsibility for their own. Of course, I'm not going to pick it up.

But if I just happen to be walking and I kick the ball where I want it to go. Right, right. Fucking dumb. Well, not dumb, but that's just like. So he had a book called Predictably Irrational. And it was kind of like looking at human behavior and people think like we're like we make decisions based on like uh logic logic but that's not true so he did all these studies like one study was um like uh okay so like they set up this experiment where they had

people moving furniture and people walking by they'd be the uh participants so they're like hey man we gotta move this couch we'll pay you like 50 bucks could you help us and they're like and uh and and people wait what was oh it was either you get paid nothing a dollar or 50 bucks. So you would expect, like rationally, a dollar is more than zero, right? But people more likely would do it for 50 bucks and nothing and very few people did it for a dollar because they were like,

because when you do it for zero, you get to walk away feeling good that you did something generous. Yeah, and the one dollar you feel cheated. And the one dollar you feel cheated and the 50 dollars is a great fucking deal. Right, fucking deal right right right coming out with a dollar is better than zero that would be the rash like rationally for a dollar i hear you but so we don't make decisions based on pure economics is like the whole point of his book which is really cool by the way you're

paying me a dollar for this podcast yeah yeah's better than nothing, right? I mean, rationally. I actually paid a dollar to headline my show tonight. Thank you. Dude, raking in the dough here in Baltimore. Yeah, highly recommended that Dan Ariely good experiments. Yeah, he's great. Sounds interesting. His favorite one of mine he did,

he gave a bunch of MIT students a laptop and do you remember this? It was in his first book, Predictably Irrational. I may. Keep going. I'll tell you if I do. Mike's swirling his water. Let me think on that.

They gave MIT students, which are some of the smartest people in the country, these laptops. And they would have to, first part of the experiment, they had to answer a bunch of questions like, would you ever cheat on it? It was all sex-related questions like, would you ever have sex without a condom? Would you ever lie to a girl and tell her you put on a condom and then have sex with her?

Sounds like a chill teacher. Would you ever date rape a girl? You're not uptight, are you? Yeah. And then, like, of course all the answers are, like, what you would expect. Sure. And then they had to take the – they took the laptops home and they did the – go over the same questions. But this – they were – they had to watch porn and masturbate and the questions would pop up in

the middle of it and then they would have to answer the questions while they're aroused and it all went the opposite like they said they like they were more likely to date rape more likely to like uh murder partner more likely to like have sex without condoms it's like it's just a show like that's why like you know like in the moment like you're like while most people are like oh my god i would never not use a condom in the moment. You're like, ah, who gives a shit, you know? Just to be clear, I don't remember this at all. I think he's making this up.

Yeah, pretty weird. I try to make myself feel better for my decision. Justifying his actions. He's science. That's fuck without condoms. We all think with our dicks, right? It's an emotional Rorschach. We all do it, right, guys?

Right? Everybody? You know what? Fuck you guys. Umar is crying. Tell me. We all do it. But yeah, it's so funny that science just goes so far to be like, we don't think rationally

when we're horning. Yeah, I know. Do we need to cover laptops and cum to come up with that? It's like some scientist got caught cheating. He's like, no, see, rationally, the scientist, you know what? Fuck it. We're putting all of our funding into this. Just in defense of science, people already were covering their laptops and cum, so why not?

You know what? Some scientific results. I like that, yes. A side benefit. Why go against the grain? Just go with it. I love that a grant was written and that in there,

we might not be able to return these laptops. You keep them. That's cool. We're fine with that. I think it's dope, dude. One guy's like, I'd like all the laptops. I'll take them. I'll get rid of them. I'll recycle them for science and nature.

It's important for the earth. I like the earth. Oh, man. Speaking of dumb, going back to the... Dumb, right? All people are dumb, including us. The dumb interviewer, dude? Yes.

You must get weird interviews when you do colleges. Do you have any memorable? Oh sure. I don't have them all recalled. When I read I get Google alerts. Oh and you read what people wrote. Some of them are

really fun and well intentioned. Not necessarily published but they're for classes or things. And I'm just trying to remember. I mean, if you guys want to talk for a second, I can pull. Yeah, sure. I can go get my phone and pull one up. Yeah, that'd be cool. I'll see you.

I'll be right there. Yeah. Well, I was misquoted in that thing that I just shared. Yeah, when you said that all Jews are gay, you meant that all gay people are Jews. Exactly. Right, I was misquoted in that thing that I just shared. Yeah, when you said that all Jews are gay, you meant that all gay people are Jews. Exactly, dude. And I really needed an air clear. Yeah, hashtag fake news.

Get it together, you know? There's really six million gay people in this world? I don't believe it. Show me the receipts, bro. Hey, bro. That's my... Remember like Tim Dillon? Oh, well, I don't know. Hey, he doesn That's my... Remember like Tim Dillon? Oh, I don't know.

Hey, he doesn't care. He talks like this openly. Yeah. Where like I thought I was going to connect with him. I was like, dude, my dad is like crazy. Like he doesn't... You remember this? Yeah. We were on my couch.

We were with Tim Dillon on my couch. And I was like... Our couch. Oh, sorry. Josh's couch. I mean, I did pay for it yeah on josh's couch we were chilling after my show and uh i don't know we were just talking about shit and i was like yeah dude it's so crazy like my dad like he doesn't think like he thinks the holocaust happened but

he's like well who counted who knows it's six million and tim's like and like you know me and josh like isn't that crazy tim's like well yeah he's got a point oh my god he's like yeah well you know who's to say all right tim who is uh so i i pulled up a review that i got from uh a college student who interviewed me it wasn't a review oh uh and Oh. And so part of it might seem braggy, but this is just for the fun things that arose. Sure. For the dollar you're getting paid. Mike Kaplan is proving that stand-up is no longer just a bar gimmick. I was like, okay, that's great.

I'm glad to help turn that around. I like that it's just regarded as that out of the gate, though. Yeah, that's what stand-up was. You know, Ben Affleck's out there just performing these dumb bars. Asking people if they like apples. I'm turning it, oh yeah, them apples. Them apples.

I'm helping turn it into a thoughtful comedic pursuit. It says, Mike's quick wit and wordy delivery is leading a new brand of intellectual comedy, all his own, that is standing out in the currently crowded comedy boom. I like that I'm leading the brand that is

all my own. I'm leading my own me. If you weren't leading your own brand though, you're in trouble. Mike is falling behind in his own brand. We're concerned. We've got some people who are better actors at being him.

Actually, there's a story about like Louis Black having a pilot created about him around his character. They had him audition for it and he didn't get it. What? That's true? It can happen. Yeah, I hear about that. So like we're looking for a type. They're like, well, I am him.

Like, yeah, but you're not the type. Oh, my God. You're a little too on the nose. I remember Adam Carolla had a story like that. Like, it literally said, like, Adam Carolla type. And he auditioned for it and did it. And they're like, eh, you're a shitty actor, huh? I like, there was Mike.

While aware of stand-up comedy and Jerry Seinfeld as a child, I like, oh, those are separate things. Wait, while you were aware of stand-up comedy and Jerry Seinfeld as a child, I like, oh, those are separate things. Wait, while you were aware of those? Yes. I was saying that in the interview, I said that I didn't watch a lot of stand-up as a kid. I knew that it was a thing I'd heard of. For example, Jerry Seinfeld. So it says, Mike, while aware of stand-up comedy and Jerry Seinfeld, separate from comedy, of course.

And then here's one. i actually like this line this is there's no mistakes here it says eventually he started doing comedy open mics instead of music nights and transferred from musician to comedian with guitar to just a comedian with the guitar staying home oh i love that the word just has to be in there as if like, that's a little bit disappointing. He used to be a comedian plus a guitar. Now he's just a comedian. The guitar is choosing to stay home. Picturing guitar on the couch just watching TV.

It's like, you know what, Mike, you go. I like that. Tell your jokes. I'm going to have a snack, dude. And the final one. Mike is certainly standing out in his generation of comedian with his crafted word choice and fast delivery. And my personal thing that makes this perfect is my perfect thing about this. I made a mistake, you guys.

The most fun is when you're trying to make fun of someone and you trip it. Look at that guy. He made a big da-ba-ga-ba-ga-ba-goo. Never mind. Stop looking at me. Anyway. I also love that we're shitting on, like, 19-year-olds right now. Yeah.

I mean, and I'm not saying where this kid went to college or who this person is. If you're listening, I did really appreciate it. I appreciated being interviewed. I appreciate that. He wrote this thing that he cares about me. Best of intentions. That he cares about comedy. And we're just having fun.

Like, whenever people make mistakes, it's not, like, we all make mistakes. We're all human beings. We're all flawed. Especially if you're not trying to hurt someone. If you're not intending harm. It's all, if we can just laugh. Like, sometimes in an audience, a person will say a thing, like not intending any ill, and then you can, you know, you ask somebody a question, they say something, and then you can make everybody laugh with the thing that they said.

You're not trying to make them feel bad. You're just like, hey, you're creating joy for everyone. Yeah. Yeah. And also, you can have the joy too. Yeah. It's like the way that Jesus suffered for everyone's sins. It's like this person, you could be doing the opposite.

Yeah. You know, you could be getting everybody to be joyful through your own joy. Just double, double, triple, forever joy. That being said, let's shit on this dude. That was it. That was all I had. The end. Yeah, but I like saying they're

like Jesus dying for sins. It's like, okay, well, let's crucify this person in the audience, but we're all going to enjoy this crucifixion. Can't spell crucifixion without the letters of fun. Well, we were talking about that yesterday. Woo, baby, that's how they sold it. We were talking about that yesterday where Josh was hosting a show, and like, okay, do you think it's okay if someone bombs?

Yes. Okay. Totally fine. Hot take. Yeah, but you as a host, you have to address okay if someone bombs? Yes. Okay. Totally fine. Hot take. Yeah, but you as a host, you have to address that shit, right? You kind of have to make fun of it a little bit. I guess. No, you're not.

Initially, I mean, I understand you wanted me to be immediately on board with your side. Yeah, it's okay. I hear that. Hey, I'm sorry that you bombed in your expectations. I really had to call it out. Someone bombed. But, I mean, my initial statement would be,

like, is it an open mic? Is it a booked show? Is, like, what are the circumstances? Booked show. Booked show. And, like, I mean, I guess I would say,

ordinarily, like, I guess I would say there's no hard, fast rule. That's true. I think if you're the host, you're in the room. Yeah. You're in the moment. I'm sure that there are situations where, and also I think it depends who the person

is that bombed, how they bombed and why. Right, true. I used to host an open mic in Boston when I was like a few years into comedy. And like sometimes people would like tell jokes that let's say they were like misogynistic or homophobic and they had some sort of logical flaw in them being like, why this? Why not this? And so sometimes when I would go back,

like I wouldn't be like, I wouldn't try to just be a huge asshole to them, but I would want to to if it's my show i want to say what i think about this thing that they've put forth make it clear yeah and be like uh like you know the show isn't homophobic i don't want the show to be sexist obviously anybody can say whatever they want that person can say and i can say what i want and so if i could especially my goal would be to say to like make a a funny joke about the thing that had happened, like so that everybody understands who I am compared to who that person is

and what, you know, what I believe. And, and also that we're all still at a comedy show having fun. So like if somebody, let's say, you know,

bombs in front of an audience that doesn't want misogyny and they bomb with misogyny, then a hundred percent I would go up and be like oh you know too bad like men suck at comedy you know that kind of thing right right don't you hate men they're trying you know give them a shot guys uh but you know if it's a difference if it's somebody who's just uh if there's if there's something to leap onto that doesn't sound like just throwing a person under the bus for because they've already they're under the bus like we're all on the bus you don't want to pile on like

a super cruel way but just I just kind of mean like you have to address it like a make like just let everyone be clear the air I guess that could be yeah I guess there is kind of a classy way to go about it because you can be like so and so touched on this and try to

do your own bit to dig out of it for sure but i think there is kind of a way of being like all right we all know the thing that made us uncomfortable let me comment on it just so we're all back on the same page and then we can regroup like i understand what you're feeling me too it's never like man what a piece of trash you know it's just like i think that that even could be the, you know, and perhaps this is the way that you would and did and or ideally like to go about things. But I think saying like, I understand how you feel. Like, you know, like we all get it. We're all here.

But is that worse than just shitting on the kids? Like, look, I get this person made you feel like garbage. I felt it too. I still feel it. And I hate it. I mean, I guess here's the thing is there's some people like, you guys know Mark Normand? Yeah. So like Mark.

He can go a little nuts. Sure. Sorry, real quick. I have to go pick up my girlfriend from the train station. Oh, no. What happened? Well, she's off work early. Oh, okay.

And she broke her foot in New Orleans. Oh, shit. And she would walk home. But I got to be unprofessional and leave real quick. So you guys hold down the podcast. All right. We're going to keep podcasting? Yeah, keep podcasting.

Should we or do you want to pause? What do you want to do? I mean, I'm fine with pausing it. All right. Well, all right. Yeah. She's right down there. Yeah.

When we come back, we'll talk about the terrible things Mark Norman has said. Cool, cool. All right. We'll be right back. Oh, man. We had a lot of fun, huh? What were we saying? Mark Norman. Oh, yes.

So the reason I brought up Mark is just because he hosts, is one of the hosts with Matt Ruby. This show, Stick or Treat. Have you guys heard of that? No. It's a Halloween time show where in New York and L.A. and maybe other places now. Yeah, they do it at the knitting factory, right? That is, yes, where it has happened, among others.

Sorry. Oh, no, you're good. And so the theme of the show is comedians dress up as other, like, usually more famous comedians and, like, write bits inspired by. So you're going for Halloween as one of these comedians. like right bits inspired by going for Halloween as one of these comedians and Mark and Matt hosted. And so I think that Mark, you know, while certainly sometimes,

I mean, I think he's, he's super funny and he will sometimes go what people might call too far. I think he also does have a good sense of like, you know, if something doesn't go well, then he is good like, you know, if something doesn't go well, then he is good at, you know, shitting

on the person in a way that sometimes is mean, but... Yeah, like an audience member, you mean? Or like a comedian that did not, you know... Oh, like someone who bombed before? Yes. I think he will, like, he will certainly call things out in the moment, address

what's happening happening regardless of whether it's you know nice or even quote unquote a good idea but like he is he is himself and that and that makes sense and that is i think a reason why he is beloved and but here's the one of the reasons why i am uh hesitant to say that's what you should do. Like, you know, if Mark was asking me, should I keep doing that? I'd be like, yeah, do whatever you want. You know, like, you know what you're doing, Mark, in a way, and also you don't know what you're doing.

But like all of us, we all do know what we're doing and we don't know what we're doing. Some people in different ratios. But if somebody was to look at Mark and be like, you and be a younger, a less experienced comedian and be like, I'm gonna do that.

I'd be like, don't do that. Right. Because it isn't necessarily easy. The same way that every once in a while there's a controversy over a comedian saying something about sexual assault on stage.

And I think there is no topic that quote unquote cannot be joked about there are people who do thoughtful jokes about all kinds of you know like real you know true you know stories that from all different perspectives about all kinds of things and there also are like cheaper, easier, you know, like shock value jokes. Like there are people like and of course, like you can say whatever you want. And I think it's also important to think about like what what are you saying? Why are you saying it? And so I think some people will look at, you know, your Bill Burrs and like sort of, you know, Patrice O'neill's and like you know envelope pushers and like if

you're doing that if you're like trying to do what they do when you're earlier on and then you could you might not get the same results that they have people might be mad at you and you and sometimes if the reaction to that is like oh well i can do whatever i want sorry like i think that there might be some lessons that aren't being learned. And I think for the most part, those people kind of, they'll fade out quickly. And a lot of people actually don't know probably that Bill Burr worked clean for a long time. Yeah.

Because he thought that was what's going to get him more gigs and more TV friendly. Yeah, he actually used to go by Wilbur. Really? Not a bit. Dressed up like a horse. It was crazy. It's funny because people watch him

and it's like, oh no, you're watching a dude who's been doing it for 30 years and you can't be like, there's no way you can do what he does with women. Yeah, you're like, you know what?

Yeah, I hate women too. I'm going to go out. Yo, we should beat women it's uh yeah speaking of boston i did a open mic here in uh in baltimore and there was a girl from boston that was there and uh she went up first and like was talking about the host and she goes archie looks like uh looks like guys that i date rape i'm like oh my god like what and no one laughs well everybody's just like oh he does and then like just she leaned in she's like yeah how come you went soft last time you fucking lose it you're like okay all right boston everybody's so friendly everybody's welcome you know what that girl runs

a great open mic in boston i'm just kidding i have no idea that's hilarious yeah i was like oh all right and that woman turned out to be Louis C.K. I was just about to say, Louis C.K., yeah. She's sexy. She looks good. Yeah, she's very polite. Oh, never mind. But it is funny, like, because in her mind, she's like, I'm pushing the envelope.

I'm going to be a little edgy when I open it. But it's like, you're kind of just saying that just to be shocking. I saw a woman at auto bar recently she was on the show opening up for tony woods and uh her i have to say because her name is her you know she has one of those stage names she's called crystal the pistol and like uh whenever that's one of louie's best characters. I love this guy. Yeah, dude. Louie's going nuts. Yeah, he's crazy right now. Yeah, and it's just like the pistol part is his dick.

Oh. Yeah, so he just comes out with his dick out and he's like... All right, anyway. So, I understand we're saying real things. Yeah. These are all factual statements. Please continue. Anyway, yeah.

So, what happened? No, she... But, like, anytime she would say something offensive and it would bomb, like, she would just double down and keep. I'm like, dude, there's a room of 150 people right now that are not with you. Change what the fuck you're doing. Just change it. No one's with you.

And my advice is never change. Be yourself. Very supportive, Mike. Double down on being yourself. I mean, that is sincerely not with this uh respect to this specific story i don't have any of the details but uh i mean that's also why like hosting is an interesting thing because it's like not the same exact job as being it's a whole different set of muscles comedian and so it's like part of what you might sometimes have to do

to get work as a comedian but ultimately uh unless you want to be like, you know, a talk show host or the host of something else, like it's not like necessarily the be all end all. So the goal, I think for me, like whenever I'm, you know, if I'm hosting a show or if I'm going on after something weird that happened, the goal is like not to be like, what does that situation warrant like definitively for anybody that comes after it but like how do you be authentically you in that situation like what what would you

as you know your person who you are in real life or person that you are on stage yeah what would you say how would you react what are you what do you want because sometimes you know sometimes things are not ideal and they cannot be saved yeah and if it's true to who you are in the way that you comment on it like you're saying mark norman can go a little far but it's true to him then it's okay yes a little far is where he lives in a town called a little far away yeah right by nazareth uh oh no i want to i want to tell that well now i have to well no i don't i don't have you haven't wow that was that was a journey there we hosted the same show just a year apart uh-huh uh which one the ted talk story oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not talk about that. Okay, let's not do that. Okay. Let's Ted not talk about that. Okay.

That's fun. Sorry. I'm prepped for this. Oh, it's fine. I've listened to a bunch of podcasts that you were on. Okay. And people- Let's break them down.

Let's break them down. Here's the ones we hated. Here's the ones we hated even more. The craft feast, even though Ryan Sickler's Baltimore, fuck. No, actually, I saw him open up for Tom Segura when he was he was here god sickler so good awesome it was great i loved watching him just ah man he i love his accent but uh you get asked a lot of the same um people always ask you about your ben affleck ben affleck mark norm Norman. You get it. No, about your diet. Sure.

And about poly... Amory? Polyamory, sure. Are those things you're really tired of talking about? No. No? I mean... I'd say...

I mean, polyamory is something that is newer to my life. I've been doing... I've been in open relationships for a number of years, but they haven't all been polyamorous ones until really recently. The one that I'm in now is the most fitting that actual designation. It's also a thing that I understand.

I'm not on on the forefront i'm not the only person you started polyamory yeah i started polyamory in boston yeah you did right and you're at the front of your brand of polyamory yes yeah nobody does it the way that i do it i'm just trying to get everybody into my relationship yeah that's why like you're so good at improv well and just like crowd work and comedy. I would never in a million years be able to remember. How do you keep that shit in your brain? You remember it.

You remember what he's talking about. I remember what he's talking about, but I would never be able to go back and make that. You know what I mean? Really? I'm so jealous. Every time you do that, I'm like, fuck. I've got a, not a test for you but just like here's a challenge for yourself just any time in the during the rest of this conversation just remember one thing bring it back comes up new but he doesn't just remember one he can do it with

like oh yeah but it's really good i'm really loving the podcast right now this is one of our best podcasts well i was just telling him after you left how you're so good at music. Oh, thanks, buddy. He said he's very jealous. He's planning on murdering you. I knew it. I knew it. If you want to feel good about yourself, you should listen to the Eric Glazer's podcast I did.

Oh, okay. All right, cool. This is so the opposite of when people leave the room, usually. It's like, man, I bet they're talking shit. God, he's the coolest. Sincerely, though, of course, course yes josh is amazing can hold in his mind uh infinite callbacks but for you to get there you have to start with one so only think about one for now all right i will it could be anything anything and if it yeah it doesn't matter and it's there's no urgency and

also you don't have to tell us and we'll forget about this completely completely for sure i can't wait for the end of the podcast umar's like and pasta and we're like you did it you did it that's it hold pasta all you have to do is at the end of the podcast say and pasta that's all you have to do. That's improv right there, baby. Yeah, I switch it up. I'm like marinara. You can't. That's it. You just did that later. That'd be great. That's great.

Do it later. Crushing. You may ask me questions about polyamory. Your relationship. Can I ask how old you are? I'm 38. 38. So how old were you when you started dabbling in open relationships or polyamory?

Great question. I was married from, I met a woman, I was with a woman from when I was like 24 to 27. I remember this. Which is, I'd say, I mean, not, I don't regret it. I'm happy that it's part of who I am and my journey. But like if I were to recommend people get married at 24 or not, I'd say wait a little bit. Yeah.

But my wife was the first person at the time who introduced me to the concept of polyamory. So that was the first time I had heard of it and sort of considered whether, like she wanted our relationship to be open, but at the time I didn't. In the beginning she did? Yeah, she did.

And you? Oh, like before you were married she wanted it when we just started dating okay i was gonna say that's a bombshell to drop if you're like man what a beautiful wedding let's open this thing up oh yeah no it's been on your honeymoon a lot of fine dick walking around the wedding how do you like to be married we know we both want the label, but what does it mean to us? Let's talk about it after we've been together for many years.

You're just opening the presents your parents gave you. Now we got the tax break. Break me off some more dick, though. Break me off some more of that dick-dack bar. And pasta. I'm sorry. That's been our podcast, everybody.

Sorry to take it from you. Marinara? So, 24-27, but she brought it up early. She did, and so, because I didn't want to do it, we didn't do it. But then, towards the end of our marriage, we were sort of like becoming more platonic and sort of distanced just by the nature of the fact that we weren't as compatible as

we had thought. Right. We knew that at 24, you don't know. You're 24 years? You changed so fucking much. Yeah. And so we did, as part of trying to make things work, open our relationship a little bit. God, we know.

I know so many people who've tried this. And so I don't recommend that. I don't recommend openness as a fix to problems that were there. Yes. Unless the only problem that was there is like, I love you, but also I love other people. Me too. Right, right, right, right. It's weird to have problems with intimacy and you're like, you know what?

Let's open this chasm up a little more. Yeah. And I think that'll bring us closer. Yeah, yeah. Because then you're just going to realize like, oh, I can do better. So then I dated another person monogamously after that. And I dated another person. Long term?

For like a year okay yeah um and then then i dated a woman when i moved to new york uh who i dated for and i lived with for like two and a half years and then uh i did that's when i started to like gain more success as a comedian i was on last comic standing i started to go on tour and it was around that time that you're breaking off your dick a lot this girlfriend she was like, I want you to be able to, if there are people who like you because of your comedy, we had sort of just a partially open thing where she was like, if either of us are in a bar and drunk and make out with somebody, that's fine.

And she specifically said, if know if like if quote unquote like a groupie wants to like blow you in a bathroom uh that's cool but she was like you know not like the intimacy of like bringing somebody back to your hotel room and sleeping with them blowing you yes in the hotel bathroom which is you know that's for couples only that's couples only Couples only. Yeah, you try to find loopholes. I mean, and so that was nice of her. And that was sort of, I was like listening more to Dan Savage's podcast, Savage Love, and reading his column and like learning about, oh, there are people living in monogamish situations, in open relationships, in polyamorous lives.

Still, polyamory wasn't exactly what I wanted, you know, as differentiated from just sort of open-ish. Everybody can make their own rules. But for them, when things are... I guess to differentiate between open and poly... Because I know some people, open means you can have sexual relationships with people, but polyamory is you you have multiple romantic relationships potentially

yes i mean there's many ways sure there's definitely like spirituality there's all million different definitions but yeah like in polyamory you could have a three-person relationship you could have a four-person relationship you could have one couple and then each of them has other pairings you could have no couples and like there's a solo polyamory which is where just you are your own primary and so you have just relationships with people but none of them are you know like a boyfriend girlfriend relationship what so it's sort of like uh man it would manifest like some people might call it being single yeah i was gonna say it sounds like you know if you jerk off it's cool but if you hook up with a chick and they don't know about another chick you hooked up okay yeah it's it's they could know and also it could be

like you see one friend and have sex with them every monday or and somebody else every thursday yeah you know you can do you can do whatever you want you can call it whatever you want yeah in general i'd say the the prototypical form of polyamory is uh you can love multiple people and in general the people everybody involved knows that that's happening yeah whereas like sometimes i've been in an open relationship that was like a don't ask don't tell where it's just like if we were we lived long distance you're like if one of you ends up being gay do not tell me don't join the military you're not allowed yeah uh and so yeah i mean and you you're making a face as though you wouldn't want that to happen i was in another relationship where it was do tell like uh the very first so after my marriage another monogamy thing

and then this thing in new york which ended partially because i was like i do think that a fully open relationship is what i want it wasn't what she wanted uh there were other things that went on between us as well but yeah uh the next people that i started dating i was like this is important to me and so a girl actually from boston i was living in new york but she was from boston uh you dated louis ck yes You dated Louis C.K.? Yes. I started dating Louis. Look at these callbacks, guys. Wow, you're crushing. You did it. Boom. Wow.

And that's exactly what it is. Yeah. So we were seeing each other, again, like New York to Boston long distance for a little. And then she was like, I want to be your girlfriend. And I was like, it's important for me that it be an open relationship. And she was like, okay. And she's like, in this open relationship, can you tell me whenever anything happens

with somebody else? Because otherwise, I might just freak out that it's happening all the time. And I was like, that's very reasonable. And so if I would go away and like... Also, she's got a lot of faith in your game, dude. It's nice of her. Or she had faith that I wouldn't have any. Whatever

the case might be. But if I went to hang out in a town where an ex-girlfriend was and we hooked up, then I'd come back and be like, hey, I did a thing. And she could ask me, what was it? Who was it? What happened? Or she doesn't have to ask at all. She's as good as me. Exactly. That's what she would always ask.

For real? No. Oh, okay. 100% not. That sounds very unhealthy. No, no. I mean, the whole point was that you know i went away i had fun i came back and i'm i'm here with the person that i love that i'm in a relationship with that is like helping to you know uh inspire the whole fact that i can live like this right right uh and so And so, yeah, then if I would go and hook up. One time in this relationship, I think I hooked up with a waitress at a comedy club who was also in an open marriage.

Yeah. And I came back and I told my girlfriend about it. And then next time we were having sex, she asked me, she was like, tell me about what you did with that waitress. In the midst of sex? Yeah. Oh, that's a good time to catch up. And were you into that? I was super into it. it was real it was real cool yeah so that was the thing that would happen sometimes if she wanted to like so she was in control like i

would tell her that something happened and then she would determine how much she wanted to learn about the specifics of what would happen yeah and so that relationship was great and it only ended because we uh she wanted kids several very soon and i didn't want that uh and so that was you know an unfortunate incompatibility but the the openness of the relationship was great and i was like this is good i'm glad to be living like it felt right like even and she would sometimes she didn't do it as much but every once in a while she would you know hook up with somebody either like an old friend or you know she'd meet somebody new at a bar or dancing or a party or something. And she would tell me about it. And I'd be like, oh, good.

It mostly made me feel glad that she wasn't just going along with it for me because it wasn't her idea to be in an open relationship. But I believed her that she said she wanted to do it because I wouldn't want her to just do it as a captive, as a hostage, because she thinks I'm so great. I'm pretty great. Surely Kaplan makes me fuck other dudes. I hate it. And so that relationship ended.

And then my next big relationship was monogamous, just because the person that I fell for was, she's like, I want to be monogamous. And I was like i i fell for was she's like i want to be monogamous and i was like well i want to be with you so i can do that for a little while uh i can i'll i'll let's do it and i was like but she knew that i was in general an open yeah person clock's ticking on and this one and i thought that at the beginning we discussed some other bus over here we'll try we'll try

i'll break me off a dick have a little push yeah all right papa bear needs some other puss over here we'll try we'll try monogamy I'll break me off a dick have a little puss alright papa bear needs some puss

and so that relationship lasted a little less than a year and then the next one was the first one that was

like the don't ask don't tell like sort of again long distance to the beginning so it made perfect sense to be like oh we're when we're in the same place we're together and we're not in

the same place like you know live your life yeah i have a friend who's uh in you know a various uh different kinds of open relationships sometimes and she's like our relationship status is we're adults um and so the one i'm in now condescending to every other relationship. I mean, you can have that be your status as well. For sure. Everybody can. Everybody can. I feel like right now, well, I tell myself I want a relationship, but it's been hard. I haven't dated anyone in two years.

I haven't dated anyone for more than two months. That's okay, though. It doesn't mean that you won't. I mean, also, yeah. You don't want to be in the quote unquote wrong relationship yeah i think i'm just scared of that because like i don't think i've ever been in like a healthy relationship how old are you 27 29 29 29 cut it by two holy shit round it down on that one yeah i'm 29 i don't think i've ever been in like a healthy when i was like 47

jesus christ like no relationship has ended because like hey we're going different it's always just like something like oh we hate each other or like we're forcing something and like i don't want that because now like i feel good about where i am in life yeah but i do like i'll meet people and i meet people i guess i just you know i meet people like also i was like a fat gross ugly kid growing up so i never got attention from women up until like age 26 what am i now 28 yesterday like up until like 25 26 that's when like i like i started noticing like people paid attention to me so that's cool and then uh no genuinely like i remember being like in middle school high school and like dude no chicks would talk to me well that makes sense then why you don't have as a super ton

of positive relationship experiences you don't have a ton of years in the endeavor. And even to this day, like when people... Mike's so smart, I was going to say in the game. He said the endeavor. I literally in my head finished that sentence with game. Just to be honest with you guys, that was what popped into my head. That is what the Jungian subconscious

should have had us all say. I'm like, I don't want to refer to it as a game. So I pause for a moment. I think it has fucked with me because even to this day, recently I was dating somebody and she, I mean, I'm not bragging by saying this. I'm just letting you know where my head is at. She'll tell me I'm hot or whatever.

And I honestly, sincerely do not believe her. I just don't believe anyone who says shit like that i don't believe that it's just weird like i honestly mike and i just gloss over like oh and you shouldn't so the first time you did the tonight show oh and buddy really yeah no you're right now mike how is david letter? The thing that I think I respect most in you, Umar, is your self-awareness. You know, your attention to detail along your personal journey. No, I only know you like this, and you seem to me to be a nice-looking fellow. No, no, no. That's not what I'm doing. I'm just saying, like, I think. I understand. He's fishing for compliments. And you seem to me to be a nice looking fellow.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not what I'm doing. I'm just saying like. I understand. He's fishing for compliments. He's fishing. He's fishing. He's got his reel in the water. Oh, my God.

I'm so ugly. I don't believe it when people tell me. Try it. Tell me. Listen, girls tell me my dick is big. I'm cool. I'm funny. I'm attractive.

And I don't see it. I've had women say several things about my dick but never it's always like a work around for it not being big like I had a girl tell me like

I thought you were gonna be like they tell me it's beautiful it's perfect but they never say big no like a girl's like man you have a really

good looking and I was like no one wants to hear any compliment about their dick other than it's big hey man it's so proportionally sized how tall are you I think it's big. Hey, man, it's so proportionally sized.

How tall are you? I think it's good. There it is. It's just as hairy as the rest of your body. Oh, boy, is it hairy. I wonder why there's not more talk of the average size penis of six inches or five and a half inches or three inches, whatever it is, and nine inches, 12 inches. I think they round down to two now i saw some recent data but in that discussion it's rarely discussed like height is rarely discussed yeah it's always just you know dicks like because there could be like

a six seven dude with an average size dick yeah yeah not looking big yeah why aren't these chicks talking about proportionality yeah Get a short guy. Yeah. Right? Because that's what we're attracted to. Yeah. What is that we're attracted to? Short guys.

Short guys. What's the scientific? Short guys. That's the scientific. Symmetry? Yeah. Symmetry. Yeah. Get somebody with their face down in their crotch.

Right. Thank you. Top bottom symmetry. Yeah. That's what we want. You know? Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. right thank you bottom symmetry yeah that's what we want you know oh yeah dude yeah uh but the point is uh i think i'm glad that you seem healthier now i understand yeah uh you work in psychology

as well so yeah that makes sense why you i mean you should hope hopefully uh though i understand there are many psychologists and people in the field who aren't themselves necessarily living idealized lives. Yeah. No, not at all. Oh, yeah. Like we're all broken. Blind leading the blind over here. But yeah, I mean, I think it's good to we live in a society that suggests that tells that sort of, you know, implants in us from childhood in pop culture.

You know, things like the Bible, pop culture. The ultimate pop culture. pop culture. Yeah. The ultimate pop culture. I love the pop culture. Yeah. And, you know, the idea that If each one does a series like I love the

I love the Nazareth. Yeah. Keeping up with the Carnazarus. Right. Yeah. Michael Ian Black. He's like,

so what's with the old test? What's with it? Michael Ian Black. Great Michael Ian Black. Thank you. Thank you with the old test what's with it great Michael Ian Black you open for him right he's a sweetheart I don't know if this is okay but I'm gonna say it but that's I call doing an impression of him Michael Ian Blackface

a lot of people can't get away with it you know I'm operating up here so for the new podcasters out there you're the Mark Norman of that impression. Thank you very much. Thank you. I take that as a compliment. I do. But the point is, society and pop culture and the Bible and the

Kardashians tell everybody that marriage is the goal. The end all, be all. A relationship, dating. Dating is better than not dating. A relationship is better than not a relationship. That you can find somebody. that you should find somebody right and so many people are in relationships that are not uh ideal that are not healthy because they're just like i mean i know i remember my high school girlfriend like the first girl that i like dated

for most of my senior year yeah yeah and she was a nice person but like you know what who were we and we're kids but so yeah who knows at point, like what are you quote unquote supposed to do? Right. But like, I remember thinking about like the girl that I dated senior year of college or like, I guess I could marry this girl. Like everything is so deeply ingrained.

You're like, she's nice. I'm happy being with her for a while. Like, I don't, I'm not looking at other people right now. But you're right. Pop culture does influence.

Cause like any TV show, like I Boy Meets World or any show, it's like the first person that the protagonist meets in the show, they always end up together. Who's my Topanga? Yeah. That's not what we're all asking. That is what we're all asking. And I haven't found my Topanga yet.

And I mean, it's funny. Even in my 30s, and here's a situation that was going on uh last year or the year before a couple years ago uh i was dating the the last girlfriend that i had not the one that i have now uh and we were in an open thing that was don't ask, don't tell. But I met somebody who I had feelings for, and we didn't really have sort of a measure, like a parameter for like, oh, like this, I know we don't have a don't ask, don't tell, but we also have like sort of an if asked, will tell.

Like if something's important, like it's not like we are, you know, forbidden from sharing things with each other. It's just like, you know, just live your life. And if it doesn't affect, you know, us, just like we have us and then you have you but i was like this is something that's more i feel like i would be lying to not share that i want to explore you know this crush right and so i shared it and it what we sort of you know uh processed it and worked through it and ultimately

did kind of end up being we ended up in a place where she was like if this happens again you don't have to tell me you You can have crushes. You can have even other relationships potentially. Just don't. As long as it. She's like, I just don't. I don't want to know. And so where I'm at now is a place where my girlfriend does want to know and I want to tell her.

She's happy to know of the love that I have for other people. So you're going to tell her about Josh. Yeah. Please do. And, so that's where I'm at now, which is a, a great place.

But at the time I was like, well, I want to respect what that girlfriend wants. Right. But it was difficult because I didn't know exactly how to maneuver. Cause we weren't polyamorous, but it seemed like I was sort of taking steps in my mind towards realizing that that is the way that I wanted to live.

But I didn't know. And I don't mean to belittle anything like this in making this comparison. But sometimes, let's say a man and a woman are together. And they're both heterosexual. And then one of the people comes out as trans. And it's like, oh, I'm transitioning. And I'm living my life as a woman. So now the woman who was married to a person she conceived of as a man is like, I'm now married to a woman.

I didn't conceive of myself as gay. And sometimes they will stay together and they'll be like, oh. So now I will broaden my definition of myself and my sexuality because I love this person. But in some cases, it's also equally, I've listened to people in these situations, like sort of on advice podcasts and sex podcasts and people in these various communities. There's no easy choices. You can love a person, but still not be right for them. And if you're not attracted to the gender that they are.

And that's okay. Totally okay. You're allowed to be attracted to. And so in my situation, it was in a way I was, you know, I don't want to say transitioning. Right. I was realizing that I'm like, oh, I am polyamorous. Who you are. I want to live my life in a.

Some people think that polyamory is an orientation. And some people think that it's just a, you know, a relationship model and it doesn't specifically matter to me, but I, I knew that I, whatever the case, either it was my orientation or it's, I want to live with that model. Sure. Uh, with all the models, I want to do all the models. Um, and, uh, and all the models citizens, let me finish. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. And so, but in in this situation i was still in love with my girlfriend uh who you know i was dating under this other still open but not polyamorous model and uh and so at the time i remember having this conversation where uh i was like man am i gonna stay with this girlfriend and not end up you know being with this new person am i going to at some point be with this new person

that i can have uh seemingly the life that i think i might be able to right but with this person but not have the thing with my girlfriend will it be some world in which like i can be with both of the people yeah and then i was- Find out next week. We got to get a plate of pasta. Let's get out of here. I forgot about the pasta. I was going to let him do it, but he wasn't. That should be your catchphrase.

And I forgot about the pasta. Forgot about the pasta. Hey, forget about it. It's a failure. You got a spaghetti strainer on your head? That's where it came from. Boston. Boston. Louis C.K.

All of this is on his shirt. Wait, Mike, you started comedy in Boston, right? Thank you. Thank you. Boston, right? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Boston, bonjour. Hey, come on. So the, I guess, punchline of this story

is I'm not with either of those people. Right. And I'm super happy with the love that I have now. Yeah. And so I was,

I remember I was driving with that girlfriend, with my new, with my current girlfriend and discussing, we were like speaker phoning with my friend Zach, who I talked to a lot about these things. Yeah. And I was telling her about that time in the life where I, because I'd had a conversation with Zach on the phone, like when that was going on.

Right. And I was like, I don't know where I am. I feel like, I guess I'm kind of like in the eye of a hurricane where I'm like, there's been difficulty and there will be more difficulty but like right now i'm in this place where like i'm just happy to be like driving this car and talking to my friend and like heading to a show and i have some tea and i'm in the moment i'm glad to be here and i'm glad i have you no matter what happens though no matter which one of these two girls or both or whatever no matter what situation i end up in i'm glad that i have you as my friend i'm glad that you're here to process this with me. I'm glad you're listening to me. And I was like, hello, hello, and the call dropped.

So I was telling my new girlfriend about this conversation on the phone with him. I think the call did drop also as a funny thing in this. And I was like, yeah, who am I going to be with? And he's like, and the moral of the story is neither of them. You never

know the future. You weren't like, maybe I'll be with story is neither of them. You never know the future. You weren't like, maybe I'll be with a person who's even more, you know, right for you in the future. So even if you, if you, if you never, don't, I say don't get hung up on your actual fifth grade Topanga. Not everybody gets to be with their Topanga. You haven't met, you haven't met your Topanga yet. Or you have and you're not supposed to be with Topanga. It doesn't matter. Like there'll be all kinds of topangas for you in the future that's all i want to say the future sounds beautiful though hell yeah dude all these topangas walking around and then our and then our kids will have their own uh series on disney channel oh i like

that that'll be nice yeah girl meets world didn't they do that yeah that's what i'm talking yeah but cory and topanga are in the show. They're the parents. Yeah. So it's about their daughter. Well done. So it's Girl Meets World. Well done.

So well done. Oh, boy. Well done. That show. Yeah, it's a great show. I loved Boy Meets World. Same. Everyone did.

Same. Well, I don't know. I don't want to paint with a broad brush. Everyone did. Everyone did. Yeah, I checked. They had to. Yeah.

You know what? We've done the math. So I'm a school psychologist here at Baltimore City. And there's a Netflix show called 13 Reasons. It's about like a... Suicide. Suicide. But it's like...

I haven't seen it yet. It's probably like all white people in the show. What's that? It's like pretty much all white people in the show. I haven't watched it. I think I started and I watched 15 minutes. was 15 minutes like this is a horrible tv show it's for like high school is that why they also released on netflix dear white people in response to yeah that was about yeah 13 white people stop killing yourself your life is pretty good you're okay uh no but we were

in a meeting um all the school psychs were in a meeting So it's like 150 of us And this woman raises her hand And she was like Now, have we seen an increase in suicide Since 13 Reasons? But she meant just in Baltimore City And I was like Dude, black kids are not watching this fucking show

They don't give a shit And black kids aren't the ones who normally commit suicides or shoot up school. You know what I mean? Right. It was just such a, and everyone laughed, and I felt bad for her, but I was like, oh, you deserve it. Yeah. But then you went on, and you shat on her forehead.

Yeah. We need to, we all heard it. We're all in the room. And ironically, she killed herself. So it's a real bummer. And she was my Topanga. Seek help. If you're feeling suicidal,

talk to somebody. Nobody here is suicidal, right? Good me. Me either. Everyone's fine with their two-inch sticks. We're cool. was funny i sent uh this person i'm seeing a a photo of my set list from last night because i was working on some new jokes the person who thinks that you're hot different person maybe different person whoa same person

i don't know either so i'm seeing oh that was made up okay yeah oh you're a full of shit okay yeah good well it doesn't matter uh not important she's not a real person you know i'm single i'm dating multiple people just trying to do a callback yeah yeah i like sorry i don't know why i had to be honest honestly actually kills comedy on like yeah let the man eat pasta yeah okay let him eat let him eat uh actually i don't like pasta oh oh i don't either that's not true that's the worst improviser oh yeah i don't like pasta i don't like the very popular food you set up like this pasta's good hey i don't like pasta let's go another angle i'm allergic i'm actually i'm glad that you shared the real story that there are multiple people that you're seeing. I don't think anything's ruined.

Please. The punchline is not going to pay off. Somebody was looking at your set list. I sent this woman a picture of my set list, and one of the words was suicide in it. And she was like, what did she say? She's like, oh, is that a list of Blink-182 songs? Because they're like my favorite band. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah. What a nice way to put it. I love telling someone who's like a musician, like, anyway, Blink-182. You could say that on stage. You know, I never have talked about how much I love Blink-182. Oh, I mean, and just that story about what she said. Oh, you're right. Maybe I'll do that tonight.

Because honestly, I'm not going to lie. I have no new jokes for tonight. And I don't know. You always say that, though. Yeah. And it's always true it's always true he has nothing he dies up there so mike's gonna be in a situation like do i dress he is the host i stayed at his house i don't know yeah so i don't know it's interesting it's just hard man it's baltimore's small it's always the same fucking people so i don't know. It's interesting. It's just hard, man. Baltimore's small. It's always the same fucking people, so I can't have a new 10 minutes every month. You do fine, though.

Yeah, you do fine. They're an easy crowd. Counterpoint. You can have a new 10 minutes every month. Can you write 10 minutes every month? Oh, I mean, I... I feel like you're a pretty prolific fella. Yeah, dude.

You are a word smith. Here's the secret to writing 10 minutes of comedy every month. This is where we're both going to feel shitty about ourselves. No, no. I don't think you will. I think you'll feel fine about yourselves. And I wish we had more time. I'm so glad we got to do this show.

Sorry, the pasta's done. No, go ahead. Thrown against the wall. Here is how you write 10 minutes of comedy every month oh god is you don't care whether it's good and also write more write more than 10 minutes yeah i mean i don't think about like when i'm writing i don't think about it in minutes i just keep you know notes and records and right uh and i also like riff on stage like new ideas to expand and like when things you know are on ideas that i care about or like a lot like i will strive to you know and

expand on those more and you know just strengthen those and like see where they can take me right uh i mean have you know maybe have parts of your set where you just have things that, you know, you don't necessarily have all of the punchlines worked out, but you know, a funny thought, a funny idea, one thing that could hopefully lead you to a place like in between other

jokes. But yeah, mostly it's, I mean, the way that you gain, the way that you get new material is by trying new material. And sometimes that will involve it not working yeah yeah that's true but then yeah that could lead to something good too and so is

that how you write do you kind of do you actually like physically like type it out or write it down or do you kind of have it in your mind like okay this is funny and i kind of have the beats and i want to work it out on stage or do you actually physically write beforehand uh i write it later i have a digital recorder usually the way that it works is like let's say i said something but like i had a funny interaction with my girlfriend uh yesterday morning i was like oh that'll be good and you record all those conversations yes i'm gonna go back through those and i will uh just to be clear i always ask if it's okay for me to share her business and she literally a hundred i'd say 90 percent of the time they say it's okay like nah okay oh my girlfriend's not a liar yeah yeah yeah i've had a lot more girlfriends though so you'll eventually

find your topanga yeah thank you just by the ratio he's doing better you know he's had a lot more girlfriends, though, so you'll eventually find your Topanga. Yeah. I do. Just by the ratio, he's doing better. You know, he's got a lot more girlfriends to choose from. Well, I mean, but also probably I have, you know, like the same way that if I've tried like, you know, thousands and thousands of jokes and I wouldn't tell most of them again. Yeah. There have been lots and lots of people that I've hooked up with and been in relationships with. And I guess, I mean, the ratio.

You can feel it out like, nah, this person won't be. Yeah. I mean, you never know. can feel it out, like, nah, this person won't be... I mean, you never know. But yeah, that ratio now is better. Like, I mostly enjoy interacting with and engaging with nice people, people who are cool and who I would also engage with again. But there was definitely a time period, like more towards the beginning of, you know, hooking up with people where you're just like,

the only merits that you cared about were like, are they interested in doing this with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. That's too real. But yeah, now I have different criteria. So you have like an interaction,

you take it on stage. Yes, so I had an interaction. I will say it into my digital recorder, you take it on stage. Yes. So I had an interaction. I will say it into my digital recorder, into my like idea folder. And then I will also maybe go on stage and start talking about it, start working out there, record it, listen back, see if I said new things, put those into the recorder, into the idea folder. And then also when the recorder is full, I will write it all longhand into a notebook. Interesting. And then I will, when the notebook is full, type it all into a computer, which is sort of a process that happens maybe like once or twice a year and takes like hours. Yeah.

But also the whole process has been, you know, like first it's talking, then it's writing, then it's typing, and also it's doing it on stage in front of audiences. And so it all kind of melds together. Right. Now, does that help kind of sync it? It sounds like you're studying, the same way you would describe listening to a professor. I recorded him, then I wrote it out. Is it working just because it's in your mind and you're kind of churning it and like, oh, this would actually work better if I flip this?

Yes. I'd say the two things that happen sometimes like when i go to transfer from one form to another i wasn't doing the joke that much or like because you know there's i have more ideas than i have time to try so sometimes when i'm like putting it into the computer it's been like months since i even had the idea and i'm like oh this would be good to try and then that'll help me re-remember it. Right. And then also, yes, when I'm going from, you know, from voice to writing and from writing to computer, and when I'm going from just talking in front of an audience, like being in the moment, all of those like give my brain a different opportunity

to be in a different time and space and perspective with respect to the stuff. So it's not just writing the exact same, you know, saying it, writing it, typing it. It's like each time, like there's new, you know, new tags and directions. It's evolving. What a sentence. I have more ideas than I have time to try. Jesus Christ.

I'm like the opposite. Good special name. I also like polyamorous model as the next special too. It's pretty good. Thank you. Model comma polyamorous. That It's pretty good. Thank you. Model, polyamorous. That's good. I consider myself, I guess, more pasta amorous.

God damn it. I need to get a pasta pun in here. I think that works. Yeah. Just like pasta pun. You did get a Boston one in earlier. What was that? We'll give it to you.

Somebody mentioned. You took Boston. No, you took Boston. Yeah, but you called back to Louis C.K. when somebody brought up Boston. You did. You brought it back to something that had happened. If you listen back, you'll find that you did make a comment. Well, so Umar will actually talk on the podcast,

then he'll write out what he said, and then he'll type it. How does he do it? I know. That's how he does it. This podcast then he'll write out what he said and then he'll type it and then he gets how does he do it i know that's how he does it this podcast is actually in written form yep it really is do you guys know caleb signin i've heard of that name caleb's super funny everybody check out caleb signin he i think he did a facebook post i don't know if he had like a separate tumblr or something right but he did a blog post that was like welcome to my podcast i know a lot of people say that a podcast has to be spoken out loud into microphones yeah but why can't it just be me writing this it's so smart that's awesome i love that shit dude yeah when people like fuck with podcasting like uh what's his name nate fernald oh nate's so great yeah uh he did a thing

where he was the co-host on wtf so he would he would record himself into episodes and so mark mark would be like so you started comedy in boston and then nate would be like yeah tell us about that and then like he's amazing yeah and then he would do stuff where he's then he's like you know what i'm gonna quit the podcast nobody responds to my questions like they act like i'm not even on it so me and mark are cool but i'm quitting i mean it's amicable and so like did mark ever address it i don't think so oh that's funny yeah i hope naked i mean nate's doing great he's writing on i believe the late late show as we speak he's gotten to do some segments called the nate nate show which is pretty fun it's uh why he called himself that

uh years and years ago his parents uh they knew They called their shot on that one, yeah. But yeah, do you know about his mixtapes? Yes. Oh, yeah. Incredible. Everybody check out his... His mashups. Yeah, yes. His mashups.

Oh, I think you told me about that. Yeah, so it'd be any song, and it starts with what that song, like exactly like that, and then it just goes into the Barenaked Ladies one week. Every song on the mixtape. Every single one. It just goes into it. naked ladies one week every song on the mix every single

every it just goes so yeah so it'd be like nirvana's teen spirits like bam but don't down down down and then he plays all of that song any song it's so great rage against the machine like bulls on parade

like right where you think you think like right where you think he's about to... Right before he's like, quit it now! He just goes, it's been... And you're like, it's genius. Can I tell one of Nate's jokes? Yes, please. He says something like, today I shit my pants.

I think it's because yesterday I ate my pants. Well done. Well done. It's real good. Uh, so, so Mike, so what are you like,

do you want to write for late night? I'm sure you've probably been offered stuff. Like what is like, are you still just, do you want to do anything other than just be like a really good standup? Cause there are people that are like, I just want to be, I just,

that's all I want to do. Well, I, I did start as a man with a guitar and i am that's just a man just a man with jokes i can't wait for the reunion tour you guys the hell freezes over tour i do still play music for fun there it is uh i have released musical albums nice nice some comedic and some less on purpose comedic yeah um very nice some meant to be some not meant to be yeah uh i mean i am like you know but it's i'm content to like i love doing stand-up

stand-up is what i wanted to do yeah and it is what i'm doing and you're quite good so i appreciate that and you've had so much success with it. I'm happy. Like if I died tomorrow, I'd be like, cool. Yeah. That's exactly what I'd be like. Yeah. Cool. If I was allowed to say stuff after I died.

Can I say one thing? Cool. Lays back down in the coffin. Oh, Mike, you've been hit with a deadly disease. It's going to kill you tomorrow. Pasta. Okay. Let's get some drinks, everybody.

Pasta Cavazier. Oh, my God. That's so good. I might tweet that. You should fucking tweet that. We'll almost pasta you by. I tried. I tried.

I tried. I tried. I tried. I don't get it. That's a fun thing to do. Yeah, it is. I'll credit. I'm sure there are many people that could do this, but I got it from my friend Aaron Judge, also a wonderful comedian who I started out with in Boston. She's Louis C.K. And eventually you can't not do it.

Yeah, it's all it is. Eventually you can't even say anything new. No. You can only say old things. It's all it is. Eventually you can't even say anything new. You can only say old things. That's all there is. But yeah, Aaron was the person who introduced me to the fun of when somebody makes, it has to be the more obvious the joke,

the better. I think her example was being in line at a bakery and asking what kind of muffins they have. And the person says, Oh, we've got a blueberry muffins. They're very good.

I don't get it. Yeah. It's close cousin to like, people are doing a bit, two people get in. Then the third person, like, dude,

you ruined it. Their joke could be fine. It's like too far, dude. Oh yeah. It's so mean. Too far, dude.

That's true. I only like to be mean for like a second and a half.'s so mean too far dude that's true i only like to be mean for like a second and a half yeah yeah i think that's cool i do try i dabble in the mean humor fuck you just kidding okay we were having fun but you ruined it mike uh it was a little mean i was a little mean i don't know what to think about you're saying like i mean out of all the possibilities of things you could have said i mean mean, you had to go, Doug. Hey, man, I know we've been joking a lot, but I am really trying to answer your question. Sorry. Boy, I'm a good actor.

That was a little longer than I like it to go. So, yeah, I mean, I love doing stand-up. I love Maria Bamford's joke that I feel like speaks to this idea. She says something like, whenever people ask me, like, what are you working on? I'm like, I'm done. Finished early. So, like, obviously, like, I am, I'm not done. Right. I like continuing to do comedy.

And I have, you know, I know that I have the capacity to, you know, at least every, however often, every year, every couple years, have an hour or an album or a special's worth of comedy that I'm happy with. And I'll release it in some fashion. Hell yeah. And I'm happy to do that for as long as I can and want. And yeah, and hopefully that, you know, more and more people, I just want to be able to support like touring so I can support myself. Right, right. And in the meantime,

I also do love playing music and like putting out my music and I have some book ideas and like, but, and I have some, some, you know, people are like, do you have any ideas for TV shows?

Do you want like, that's the ultimate goal for me is, have you guys heard of like infinite games and finite games? Well, I call them infinite endeavors, but go ahead. Fair enough. See that shit, dude? Do you remember?

Oh, yeah. He did. So there's a book called Finite and Infinite Games that I haven't read, but I think this is the gist of it, because it goes on forever. Immortality is what I call a forever and ever endeavor. So, already did tweet that sorry everybody but um we're gonna edit that out though that's it that's all it is um so like a finite game is like what we think of as you know kind of any game like baseball you know how to play you know how to win there are rules it right

somebody wins somebody doesn't unless it's a tie uh an infinite game is like catch like there's no ending to catch like the purpose of playing catch is to play catch is to throw it and catch it and throw it and catch it yeah that's the joy is doing it and so like in relationships like people think of what we were talking about like a marriage people think it's the end of the finite game right of dating but it's actually just a point along the infinite game of loving and being in love and getting to be with the person that you want to be with. The journey. Living. Exactly. Life can be like, life is an infinite

game until it's over. And it's a series of, you know, you can frame things as finite games. You're like, ah, this started, this ended. But every, you know, nothing is ever over until you're dead. Who knows? Life is just one long strand of spaghetti. So. I'm trying, guys.

You're on the board. You're on the board. From A to ZD. You son of a bitch. Episode title right there. So good. Well done. Well done.

So similarly, a comedy career, I think the same way that people conceive of marriage and a wedding as being like oh wait when you get that thing you know people think of like a late night set or a special or a sitcom or a this or a that as like and these are sort of like you know benchmarks that you can use to hopefully you know gauge

your progress you know be like oh these are things that are possible but I don't just want a sitcom I mean if somebody was like can you my friend, you guys know Henry Phillips? Yes. So Henry Phillips made the movie Punching the Clown. Yeah. And then when he made the sequel, Punching Henry, he asked me and he's like a bunch of

other comedian friends. He's like, I have a part that I'd like you to do. Oh, yeah. Not auditioning for things. So I got to do a small part in that movie. I was happy to do it because it was like with my friend in a cool, fun thing. Right. But I don't love auditioning.

I don't want to just be in movies. An actor. I'm not. Yeah. I'm a comedian. I could be an actor. I'm not. If that pops up, you'll do it.

But it's not like something you're seeking out. Exactly. And so similar, like for anything, like there are things that I'll try. I'll try new things. I'll take an acting class. I'll audition for things that seem like they an acting class. I'll audition for things that seem like they might be interesting.

Right. But yeah, but the main goal is stand-up. And if I was gonna, like the TV show ideas I have are all, I don't wanna just

have one to have one. I want it to be something that I care about and that I'm, you know, that I could enjoy doing and I'm passionate about. But part of the goal

would be to be like, oh, now people can see me in this thing and then come see me do stand-up exactly so it all kind of comes back to stand-up but it's it just sounds like you're a creative guy and kind of have a healthy view of it too where it's like i always think about as like climbing a mountain like people are like if i just get this thing i'm at the top of

the mountain like the mountain just goes kind of goes on forever but like like but honestly like i remember when i i remember i i i remember doing the first night I did stand-up. And my friend Fish and I, he was the one who made me do this open mic. And we have a buddy, this guy Jason Weems, who's a really good local comedy. Oh, I know Jason. Yeah. I think we did the Boston Comedy Festival together. Oh, nice.

He's Louis C.K.? Yeah. Yeah. Yep, that's him. And I just remember watching it. And I was like, dude, if I could even do 10 minutes where everyone's just laughing the whole time, that's all I want from comedy. Oh, yeah.

You'll get there, man. Yeah, dude. Good luck, man. Really. Seriously. Keep working, dude. And then you do that, and then it's like, I just want... Four hours.

Yeah. No, but then... Of course. Of course. i just want four hours yeah no but non-stop comedy of course these like little stupid fucking goals and then like you're always hungry i guess like you reach and then i remember like saying like all i want to do is like host at a club all i use opener for this comic all i want to you know what i mean it's just like and it goes on and on because you were saying i remember when you were in the car you were driving like...

Oh, Sean Patton and Nate Bargatze. Yeah. And like you were saying how like it's kind of like the same thing, just at way different levels. Different levels. Yeah. Sean did my podcast and then he was doing a show and he's like, oh, my buddy Nate's in town. It's like, oh, Nate Bargatze, your buddy? Yeah. He's like, do you mind driving us to the show? And he's like, oh, my buddy Nate's in town. It's like, oh, Nate Bargatze, your buddy? Yeah. He's like, do you mind driving us to the show?

And I was like, sure. And they were in the back seat and they were talking about trying to get booked on the Tonight Show. And it's just the same way that we would talk about trying to get on a show in D.C., just like a showcase thing. They're like, OK, here's what they're looking for, man. It doesn't have to be great. Just keep it tight.

Five minutes. Yeah. So email this guy. And it's just like, you know, it's all the same stuff. It's just doesn't have to be great. I've been going about this all wrong. Yeah. The thing that I would say to you when you say like you're always hungry, obviously,

if you're alive, you're also you are eating. And metaphorically, you are always full of what you had before. You're just now not it's not as exciting to you the thing that was exciting like the mountain that you climb now there's another mountain and the one behind you is smaller because you've grown you've already done it than that mountain so i think it's also important uh it's valuable for me and it can be for you hopefully to like also be you know obviously grateful for sure like the thing be like think about that that person that you were

that was like, man, if I only get this, I'd be like, I did that. So don't let that be everything and don't rest on that forever. Have both of those things be, there's a Niels Bohr quote that I use, that I use in my act sometimes, but that I like a lot, that is.

Do you know who this is? I don't know who Niels. I don't really enjoy his stuff. It's kind of Niels Bohr-ing to me. Oh my God. I don't get it. You know, we were having fun, and Omar, you ruined it. Neil's bore is a physicist.

Sometimes I'll say, famous physicist Neil's bore, or if you haven't heard of him, not famous physicist Neil's bore. Showbiz. He said the opposite of a small truth is a lie, but the opposite of a profound truth is often another profound truth. And so the idea of like looking forward to things while also being grateful for what came behind. Like, yeah, neither of those things is alone the truth. Like, right.

You're not true that you've never done anything. It's not true that you've done everything. Like you've done something and you haven't done something. The opposites are both true in a way and so hopefully that can help you know motivate you to move forward but also not make you feel like complacent and like taking for granted exactly the things that have come uh that you have accomplished right right yeah and i think that that's super healthy too to be like well i've done all this i want to do more but it's it's really good too because when you do those things too where you're like it's just this one thing and once i do it

because then you do it and then you're like oh let down what's that that was that wasn't every you know and and so it's oh yeah yeah it's much healthier to be like all right cool this was great and now there's gonna be other stuff two two things i want to share uh there's a musician i love named dan burn uh b-e-r--N, and I've been listening to him for over 20 years, and he has a song, I think the song is called Tiger Woods, and it's about, this

part of the song is about this concept where he's like, I had a friend who his one goal in life was to one day go down on Madonna. And then he got his wish in Rome one night, like when he was like 32 or something. And then for the

rest of his life, he was like, too soon. I went down on Madonna too soon. Having that one goal. That has to be a new saying. It's just like, how was it? I went down on Madonna too soon. That show went down on Madonna too soon. I should have closed with Madonna too soon? Too soon, man.

I should have closed with it. The other thing is, do you guys know my friend, comedian and artist Ramin Nazer? I know the name. I've heard the name. His Instagrams are wonderful. He did the artwork for my most recent album, No Kidding. It's colorful and psychedelic. He's a colorful, psychedelic guy.

His comedy is super funny like I saw him I think he did the Late Late Show with Ferguson is he LA based? He is now yes he was from Houston does he do stuff with Duncan Trussell a lot? he does yeah I've seen him I had him and Duncan on my podcast at the same time they're both similar

universe brainy dudes and so he has a book that he just put out called i think uh cave paintings for future people and it's a he did a kickstarter and it's a lot of stuff that he did put on instagram that now is available in this book and one of them i was reading it the other day because i just got it uh it's a there's a staircase there's like just uh you know these stairs and the stairs are like the height of a human person and so on one of the stairs is a person like just staring at the wall of the step in front of him right and then there's another person on the step above his

looking at that step and then there's like a bunch of other steps with nobody on them and the guy at the bottom is looking at the first guy and he's like what does it look like that's awesome that's really cool what do you see yeah yeah damn i remember being like just jealous all like being that dude you know like oh what does it look like i wish i knew and then yeah and then you realize that it's it's all just kind of fluid you know yeah and like i i think that really is the way to look at it be like be grateful for this shit that you have and then be excited about the stuff that's going to come down the road. It looks like a wall. Turn around and look at how far you've walked up the steps that you can see the landscape below.

And then turn around and climb the wall. It's interesting because people... I think if you don't do something like comedy or music or whatever... Art or life. Dance or creation. Okay, like I work with. Of course. Of course.

A lot of people that I work with, they'll hear me talk about my show and I'm pumped about it. Because to me, and I think it is a big deal to have a show that consistently you're selling 90 tickets. I think in the comedy world. Oh, it's only 90 tickets? It's like a big deal. Couldn't get to 100, huh? You tell people, they're like, oh, okay. They're like, have you ever done...

Someone asked me if I ever did Royal Farms Arena. They're like, where do you play? Royal Farms Arena? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do that once a month. Oh, yeah. Just once? Yeah.

That's all right. Just like, no, I mean, at this level, at this level you know you gotta yeah oh you're a lawyer have you tried being on the supreme court have you done that yet at least like once a month have you ever been booked at the hague war crimes tribunal yeah so then like that's where it's at bro oh yeah have you hosted there oh tough room Anyways, I don't know what the point. I like it. I guess just the punchline is it's like sometimes you don't feel as good about what you're doing because of other people's like expectations or... Oh, yeah. I thought you were saying like comparing yourself to other people too.

Well, just like other people's expectations of... The people who want him to be headlining the arena. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would say if you are happy selling out the venue that you are on a consistent basis and somebody wants you to perform at an arena. Yeah. It's okay to not judge yourself by their standards. Yeah.

That's true. You know what? You're right. Yeah. It's okay to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what? I think we should go out on that note. Let's do it. That was very positive, right? Yeah. That's okay to. Yeah. You know what? I think we should go out on that note. Let's do it. That was very positive, right? Yeah. That's okay to. Yeah. I'm trying to work in pasta somewhere and I don't know where.

He just said positive. You got it. Pasta tip. Yeah. Put up, put up. Mike, you got anything you want to plug? Anywhere that has Mike Kaplan involved. M-I-Q-K-A-P-L-A-N.

My most recent album is No Kidding. My special Small Dork and Handsome is on Amazon now. And my podcast is called Hang Out With Me. And it's at keithandthegirl.com slash hang. Go to my website, get all my stuff. Hell yeah. Let's see. What do I got coming up?

On the 23rd I'll be in DC Doing Church Night Excited about that It's gonna be a Black Cat You and I are doing A gig together Before that On the 16th

At Loyola College I'll be the And then I'm also gonna be At Hopkins on the 15th Yeah You and Kason Wilson Who's super funny DC Improv on the 14th

Crushing Guys Can I say one more? Yeah. I'm actually headlining the DC Drafthouse the 22nd and 23rd of this month as well. Oh, nice. We'll come through. We'll be there.

Yeah, if you're there, please come to those shows. There are four of them. Definitely go see Mike. He is very, very good. And if you're in DC, you could come to one of my shows on the 22nd and then go to your show on the 23rd. Yeah, there you go. Or my early show or late show. There's four.

Make a weekend out of it. It'll be a nice dick sesh weekend. Get an Airbnb, you know? Yeah. Break a dick off. Break a goddamn dick off. Break a goddamn dick, dude. How did you know the catchphrase we go out on?

That's crazy. I've been alive more than it seems. Yeah. Yeah. I think I alive more than it seems. I think I have more shit, but you can just find it online. We're all one. We're all breaking dick off out there. It's a Jungian endeavor. There's a lot of dick out there.

Every time I'm like, there's certain dicks I want to break off of, and I'm like, if I can break off this dick, and then I'm never happy. Somebody's like, hey, you ever break off the dick of that arena? You ever break off that dick and then I'm never happy. Somebody's like, hey, you ever break off the dick of that arena? Yeah. You ever break off that arena dick? Alright, thank you everybody for listening. Find us on social media. We're all on there in some capacity. Just search for our names and our podcast, our respective podcast. Mike, thank you so much for

doing this. Thank you. And David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, come on to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah