The Digression Sessions - Ep. 233 - Josh & Umar! Again! (@JoshKuderna @UmarKhan821)

Episode Date: October 10, 2017

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Well, hey everybody. Welcome to the Backrest. Hello. We are back, baby. We took a week off, did we? Something like that. Well, we're busy boys. Doing a lot of things. Yeah, had shows, work, and all like that. We were busy boys. We did a lot of things.

Yeah, I had shows, work, and all that stuff. You were out of town this weekend. I was out of town for shows. Yeah, it was cool. You got your featuring on the road for Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah. Grapefruit Simmons. I was opening up for Greg Fruit Simmons.

Greg Fitzsimmons at Hilarities in Clevelandveland is an amazing club yeah it's beautiful dude it's like a it's like it looks like a theater yeah and it's just like there's no like gimmicky shit on the walls it's just right it's beautiful there's a balcony it's so nice yeah like so many like clubs you don't have to be like they're like wow it's wacky here yeah exactly and it's it's like it's it's it's just a really well run everyone is so nice at the club and in cleveland i'm like yeah dude i was getting like 30 meals for free every night like i was eating scallops and salmon and like oh this is dope yeah that's pretty wild too for a comedy club like not places don't have like bad food but it's never like scallops and shit like that yeah but yeah so the the club menu doesn't have that stuff but there's a restaurant called

pickwick gotcha upstairs smart smart smart smart we get to order off that menu and that's like a more like nice restaurant right right yeah it was dope dude it was It was so good. Very nice. Greg was great. Good shows. Yeah, but every show there was something weird. Like every fucking show I had to deal with. Really? Like a heckler. I think every show someone got thrown out almost or walked out. Really?

Walked? Yeah. So the Thursday show, let me think. Did anything happen Thursday? Maybe the Thursday show was great. Maybe the Thursday show was great the thursday show was great maybe the thursday show was great it was it was light um because the cleveland indians were in the playoffs yeah it was like the first thing i landed everyone was fucking well we were talking about on the plane over there yeah they're having like one of the best seasons like yeah and yeah and people were pumped oh yeah the stadium is they live in Cleveland, dude. Yeah, that's true. They gotta have something. Yeah, and

that's true. And the stadium is like literally... Not like Baltimore is any better. Yeah, I know. The stadium is literally across the street. Baltimore is the Cleveland of the East Coast. Yeah, so it's like super close. Well, yeah, they took the Browns and made them the Ravens, right? In 96?

Well, I mean, you know indianapolis stole our cults you know turnabout's fair play that's true dude hey i'm into it ain't nobody care about us all right they stole our team we'll steal your team fuck you cleveland oh yeah you guys are great please please have me back please no it was cool so thursday show was great they were super fun crowd like right greg just fucking rift uh-huh he like yeah he's crazy every night he did new jokes he switched the order around of his set like he like spends all day writing it's nuts he fucking works hard it's crazy i mean yeah he's been doing it for what yeah 30 years or something it's great 25 30 years um yeah and i think once you get to that level too you have to mix it up to make it fun for yourself exactly it's like you know for for you it's like

oh this is like one weekend every couple months i'm doing this but he's like every fucking weekend or three weekends out of a month i'm doing the same material oh yeah so i gotta mix this up yeah so he said he's shopping around an hour right now because he has his hour worked out uh-huh and he was just like i'm so tired of it like i'm so tired of it i ran it so many times so that's why i'm always like doing like he's like i'm doing some of my hour but it's mostly new stuff i'm and then yeah he'll switch around the order put new tags in it's it's nuts because it's pretty ballsy like you're you know you're doing an hour of comedy almost yeah but i mean that is kind of where you work though you know like where you have to work it out is on the road so so thursday show is good but then there were uh

friday shows were bad well not bad like i still had a just like good set they were rowdy and i just was like feeling friday early show um like just a lot of people talking and heckling and whatever and just kept throwing me off a little bit but i still had a good set yeah friday late show i started i'd open up with a i always open up every show with just like riffing talking about my day um and then i'd go into my jokes and like all that stuff hit and then i was like yeah oh um i was pointing you know i kind of just made fun of i was making fun of the airbnb guy who i stayed with because i asked him i was like hey what do you think like what are the what's the audience gonna be like it's a conservative republican white black

and he's like i think it should be pretty 50 50 like white black and i get there there's like always only like two black people in every fucking show right and so i and i you know i tell them that he said that and i was like oh yeah this dude doesn't get how math works he doesn't understand fractions and then i was like oh there's a white woman here with a black person that That's cool. And then when I said that, some dude got really mad that I referred to him as a black person. A black guy or a white guy? A black guy. I couldn't see him.

He was like in the shadows. Whoa, racist. Jeez. I know, right? Oh, my. There was like a big black person behind him, so he was just like, you know, in his shadows.

Jesus. Of course, yeah. And it was, it just, it was, he was like, hey, man. Christmas is the best. He was like, hey, man, blacks are color, not a race. And he was going on this diatribe.

And I looked over and I was like, all right, dude, what do you want me to say you know like should i say african-american and then like the audience was like oh come on like jesus give it a break we're here to have fun like and it was just a weird tension and a lot of trump supporters in these crowds yeah and uh so i was like man this is rough guys let me start over so i over, and it was fine. I went into the joke about working with black kids. And it was up in my head, and instead of saying black, I was like, yeah, so I work with African-American kids, and that got a big laugh. Right, right, right. But just, it was all up and down, because the audience felt so, I think, weird.

Yeah. And then I felt weird, because i was like oh man like you know like that guy i get what he was trying to say and then they i can't tell if this audience is just like you know if they're mad at him for ruining a show or if they're like racist oh yeah you know and it felt weird like i didn't want to put that dude in a tough spot but i was in a tough spot it was just a bummer and i think it's tough now because even if you are like a Trump supporter, not necessarily racist, but I think Trump supporter people are already on their heels a little bit. Like so people, if you're if you're like not in that vein, you're like, oh, I don't want to hear about this stuff. I just want to have fun.

And then the people that are like that, they're like, oh, here it comes. Here comes my thing. So everybody's kind of on pins and needles but for different reasons yeah but on the same subject so later on in the show you know i heard like a black woman laughing in the back and you can tell i'm black woman's laughing because she goes i am black yeah that's how they always laugh i'm a black woman and uh and i was like oh yeah there's some more black people here and i was like i hear that african-american woman's laugh in the back and then um somebody's like why she

gotta be a woman man yeah yeah but then gender is a construct some guy with her yelled like i'm he's like nah i'm black and then the crowd like went nuts they love and they yeah and that dude and so then like then my set, I had to do 25 minutes. It was just up and down. Right. You're trying to navigate the potholes. It would be like, because I have a lot of jokes about race. And that shit, they weren't into it anymore.

They were too uptight about laughing. They were feeling nervous about that already. Yeah. And I was just embarrassed. I thought Greg was probably thinking in his head, oh, I shouldn't have brought him out. He's not ready. And also, i was scared i didn't want to run into that guy after the show like i didn't know how mad he was right and uh but dude

like after and i thought like everyone hated me and i was like fuck i don't want to go stand out in the lobby like i was gonna sit in the back and they're like no dude you're fine so yeah and then like every like i would not everyone but i would say like at least like 20 to 30 people came up to me were like we're so sorry like we thought you were really funny and like dude please don't judge cleveland on that and the guy's table his girlfriend was like i made him go home i was like you can find your own way home i'm so embarrassed wow and like she's like i'm gonna kick his ass for you i'm gonna spank him when i get home yeah and like she was crying like she was like had tears in her eyes like oh my god so bad wow everyone was just like so nice it was crazy yeah so it is that they just see they feel

weird that other people feel weird you know what i mean it's just a tense time yeah people are like fuck here we go you know yeah and then greg and me and the manager went and got lunch on Saturday. And, you know, I was talking to Greg about it. He's like, dude, you're doing great. Oh, nice. And he was like, also, second shows, second Friday shows, late shows never count. They do not count. That's what he said.

Yeah. And he even had a little bit of a rough time because he was making fun of Trump and people like were not on board. Yeah. Yeah. it yeah um it was weird yeah because again it's like they already feel they're like all right motherfucker here we go like if you have a trump joke now even if people agree with you it better be a good joke because people are just so like we hear about this guy all day like why did you even bring him up yeah unless you're a liberal i guess well even that yeah but even that like if i feel like if you're playing to like if you're in like dc at the big hunt where everybody's super liberal i think you can do it

but if it's like if you're at like the dc improv where it may have like some conservative people and stuff and then like liberal people because i think the same way that everybody was like i was just tense they're like oh shit are they gonna get weird and it makes them feel weird and like trump literally is like all over the news all day always for some dumb bullshit and just puerto rico thing puerto rico and it was it was the worst part was like he's like or puerto rico yeah when he said that i was like holy shit he was doing a press conference and like just it reminds you how far gone we are too like can you imagine if if george bush did that like yeah for like months that's what people be talking about no one's talking because all's all's he did was uh he was just he was saying

puerto rico and he didn't even it was just a completely unforced error but he was doing it on like national hispanic day oh as well yeah yeah okay yeah or something like that super condescending so he's like in puerto rico or puerto rico and he's done it like three times and people were laughing and then he goes like or you know puerto rico it's just like oh my it's like dude like not only just completely like would it be like terrible for a president to do that on any in any time yeah but right after you visit a country that's been fucking devastated by it's not that bad i mean compared to country that's been fucking devastated by a hurricane. Hey, it's not that bad. I mean, compared to Katrina. Hey, that's true.

You know? Like, what the fuck? Like, him saying that to people, too, it's like, it's like every death is a tragedy. But, you know, I mean, 16 or 17, not bad. Not bad. And you're like, what? Oh, my God.

He said that? You didn't know that? No. He kept downplaying it like crazy. I know he was downplaying it, but my God. Yeah, he was like, could have been like Katrina. Could have been thousands, of thousands i saw his tweet about how he wasn't um how he felt like he said something but like no one could have done more than me and uh people

are ungrateful for my help it's just like well yeah yeah you kind of waited until like everyone pressured you into doing it yeah i mean also when they're saying too like how come it's not quicker he's like it's an island surrounded by water big big water big big what is this like the 15th century yeah it's like hey dude it's called the ocean yeah and also we have boats and planes like it's fine you can get to puerto rico more like 12 maybe less than 12 hours yeah oh yes totally especially if like if it's a military plane or something like that it's like big water big water yeah and speaking of islands uh shout out to the indigenous peoples uh it's uh if you want to be a dick about it it's columbus day who uh what did he discover uh The Caribbean islands? He discovered... He didn't come here?

No, he landed in the Caribbean. I had no idea. Yeah. Yeah, really? Yeah, like he didn't even really discover like America, per se. Right. It's like the new world. Oh.

Quote, unquote. But he didn't even discover that because people had already been... Anyway. Yeah, I guess when people say discovered, it was like, well, he discovered it for Europeans. Yeah. But I think they had said like it's possible like Vikings and stuff had already... But either way, it was like well he discovered it for europeans yeah and but i think they had said like like it's possible like vikings and stuff that already but either way it's like yeah they probably have it's just it's so like first of all yeah i didn't even like really come

close to america and then the dude the dude had my man columbus had that blood lust big time dude it was just basically they're like he's like all right okay well this is india and they're like what yeah anyway uh i'll take all your gold and they're like we don't know what that is he's like well you better give me your gold and they're like oh we don't have any of that he's like well i'm gonna cut all your hands off they're like what like he did that when he came here like he literally did that because he thought they were cut like ears and shit off yeah hands because he thought people were holding out he's like give us all your riches and spices that is crazy because okay so you come to this a country and there is like a fuck ton of people here yeah they've never seen you you've

never seen them there's no interpreter yeah how the fuck do you communicate i want your goals like maybe i mean maybe they had some and showed it to him hey you guys this me and then they're like no no and then he just cut someone he's like what the fuck what the fuck yeah they're just like are we not communicating right yeah does no mean yes to these people yeah jeff just got his hand cut off I was fucked up. Holy shit. It's like the introduction to white people. Yeah, like the equivalent of like you being like a parent and there's like kids in the basement like, you know

what? I have fun on your play date. I'm gonna make Rice Krispie squares and they're coming down and then they're fighting like some guys like, oh my God, I want to make food. We got guests. You come back. He's cutting people's hands. I like, well, I want to get out of of here on this like they came over on these things that they have like never seen before well i yeah i mean to that to that yeah i don't even know if they had guns indians did not have guns but did columbus have guns uh i'm pretty sure well let's

see he's too old there's too long ago to have guns? Well, it was 1492. So I don't know if they had muskets. Maybe. I definitely, you know, who knows what they had on the Santa, the Nina. What are they all? Oh, I know it's because of Raging Against the Machine song. The Santa, Maria, Nina, Pinta. The Pinta.

Yeah, the Pinto Bean. The Pinto Bean. Yeah, it's just crazy. Yeah, that should be a national holiday for this guy. Yeah, man. Now it's called Indigenous Day, right? Or is that like just a liberal thing? I mean, I think they're going for that, but I work for the governor. I think it's especially bullshit because I had to go to work today.

Oh, yeah. I know. It's so good. God, it's so good god it's so good how were your shows didn't you have that crowd work show on friday oh yeah you had a really funny boat oh yeah thanks yeah i had a i did a crowd work show on thursday it was funny yeah i was supposed to do gin and jokes and i fucked up my schedule then i had to bail and it was funny because gin and jokes your show here in baltimore had a bunch of people from dc on it so i late like i came to the show after i did the one oh cool dc just to like hang out um but yeah so i went down to dc draft house and the the show is called who's in here it's just a straight up all crowd work show all the comedians just talk to the audience

and uh there were 12 people in the audience god like, that's brutal. And like six comedians. Well, there's like no promo for that show. Yeah. I don't even know it existed, dude. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I think they're trying to make it like a scheduled thing. So it's like the first Thursday of every month. They got to talk to Martin and Sean Joyce.

Yeah. Well, yeah, Martin, he's like a promo like whiz. I just can't do that stuff though. Yeah. Like he does it, I guess, naturally for him. But if I was like, what's up? It's your boy, Josh. Yeah. But you can do it in your own way. like whiz i just can't do that stuff though yeah like he does it i guess naturally for him but if i was like what's up it's your boy josh yeah but you can do it in your own way i think like yeah um that's i mean dude they sold i did that show thursday before i left they sold out the room

yeah then they let 30 like extra people were waiting they're like like, oh, fuck. I would have been... I mean, they're nice. I would have just been like, yo, go fuck yourself. Buy a ticket next time. Right, right, right. I think that's good because then they definitely will. But those 30 people will buy tickets. Turning people away is smart, actually.

Yeah, but they cater to them. I mean, it was cool. It made for a great show. Yeah. But yeah, we had to start an hour late. But that dude, yeah, it's great. Oh, dude, he hustles like crazy. So yeah, I mean, it almost has to become another job to hustle that hard.

But so yeah, the crowd work show, 12 people. And they're all like spread around the room. And Tim goes up first and just kind of like sets it up. And I didn't know he was going to have a mic too. The whole time. Yeah, and he like kind of walks around the room. So I was trying to navigate that a little bit. And he talked to one guy, this bigger dude, black guy. gonna have a mic too so he kind of time yeah and he like kind of walks around the room um so i was trying to navigate that a little bit and uh he talked to one guy this this bigger dude black guy

african-american guy and uh said that he was a barber and i was like oh okay this would be great like my hair was a little longer so it's like i'm gonna open with this like yo what would you do to my hair and he's like i'll probably just leave it the same like i was hoping for like a joke or like he'd make fun of me and i was like all right yeah so then i was trying to get into it and uh there was a couple from ireland that were traveling and this woman had 11 weeks off and she like went all nuts all around america europeans travel dude it was funny she was like i went to places like i went to portland we went to new york we went to austin oklahoma i'm losing the accent oklahoma however i was shy uh and i was like oklahoma she's like it was nice and like got like mean about it's like it's okay yeah it's funny so yeah i was like the whole time

i was just trying to like trudge uphill on this one and uh there the woman that was with the barber i was like oh we know he's a barber uh what do you do she goes nothing it's like uh she go to school for that and just silence and i was like so did your parents do nothing is that how you got into it still silence and like all right and tim is funny he was like that's black for fuck you yeah because she wasn't like being mean but she was kind of just not participating and then another person i go what do you do for a living she goes work god does every like did everyone know what they were there for yeah yeah like well maybe not initially like they all got tickets on groupon so i guess they're like who

knows what it's gonna be groupon existed anymore't know Groupon existed anymore, dude. Really? Yeah. Groupon's huge. Really? Still? Man, I deleted it off my phone. I just thought it was done. Really? Yeah.

I don't know why. People do it all the time, man. I should re-download it. Groupon's really good for massages, too. Yeah, dude. Cheap shit like that. Hell yeah. Yeah.

And cooking classes. Yeah. Yeah. And get a massage while you cook and shit. Yeah, dude. But yeah. So yeah. I had fun, but it was funny to have 12 people,

and then the show I missed out in Baltimore is sold out. I'm like, ah, I really fucked up. Yeah, that sucks. Ah, I fucked up. But I mean, it was fine, and I was heading into a four-day weekend, so it was cool. Yeah. But then I did a show in Cambridge over the weekend that was like, man.

What's Cambridge? So it was a big-time comedy show massachusetts no no no maryland i don't know we had a cambridge maryland really like it's on the way to ocean city oh i had no yeah i mean 50 goes right through it oh hell i don't know so how was it not great well so it was in a it was in a restaurant what a shocker yeah it was a bar show and uh the it would have been fine if were you headlining no it's featuring so um for mickey no for actually for missy greenkowitz oh my god she was great though yeah i like her uh but yeah stefan was on the show and jeremy uh uh So, yeah, the show would have been fine,

but there was just a table of drunk women up front that were just so chatty. Like, they treated the show like it was TV. Like, they'd pay attention and then talk to each other. Yeah, they probably didn't know what was happening. They did. Oh, really? I mean, by the time that I go up, I'm third, you know?

So, it's like, you should know what the fuck's going on. I feel like they were eating dinner. Yeah. The show started happening and they were eating dinner yeah show started so actually like well we're not here for this eric actually knew one of the girls so and then invited so maybe either way either way once you realize you're like you should leave or shut the fuck yeah yeah it was funny i was like at one point at like after like going at it for a while i was like you drunk bitches need to shut the fuck up jesus and this chick goes we're not drunk and it's like so you accept the bitches part then okay but you're just

a bad person yeah yeah so i got but when i initially i forget what i said something like i was like yeah this is a cool room you guys are really good you guys are not though you really need to shut the fuck up i like the food and like when i did that part i got like the whole crowd was like yes because it was like so it's like the room would have been good with them just right up front. Yeah, that's insane. It was actually the first show, the Thursday show. This girl in the front row ruined my punchline of my closer. Oh, no.

Just total blue balls. Yelled it. Just yelled during it. and right up front row and i was just like god damn and then i i put another joke in and did really well thank god yeah but it's just like what the fuck and then i get up and then like i got mad i was like i got and then i like forgot i was like okay you know you're yeah yeah yeah like i got real mad and uh so then i i get off stage greg goes up uh and uh and she ruins his punchline oh no greg was just looked at her he's like like you just you ruined my punchline and he asked her a question she started talking

and he held the mic up to her head and then bang couple of times it's like ah there's nothing in there that's like an old school vaudeville thing dude i me and the host lost it because it was it was it takes balls to do something there's nothing in there he was like it was so funny dude it was so funny that's amazing yeah yeah that's like that's like a classic like i feel like vaudeville or like old school comedian thing yeah ain't nothing in there she's a dummy yeah it was dummy he has some he's he's pretty old school it's yeah yeah yeah he's definitely old school i like just plainly saying to like you ruined my punchline yeah why did you do that yeah and then one show he just

had to yell at the crowd and it's like yeah he was like he was like look you don't talk it's not it's easy i talk for an hour you don't talk at all and i know that's kind of weird yeah but like that's what it is right right yeah because i think it was a friday's late show yeah and then he just ended up like having to do crowd work because they were just too i think a lot of them went to the game and they were fucked up or they watched the game got fucked up came to the show and then you know they work all day yeah friday late show they can either be like way over the top or just exhausted yeah yeah but uh man that features spot so good it's the best it's the best it's so easy yeah it's just great because so the crowds warmed up they've ordered their drinks. They've ordered their food.

As a host, you can go up. You can see people with their cell phone lights. And they're like, do you want... What should we get? Dude, people are still being sat because people are coming late. They sat people in the front row as the host is on stage. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it sucks.

Everybody's distracted. And then it's the hardest thing to get the laughs cold. Then you have to remember to do do all like the announcements and stuff. Yeah. Plug up credits. Right. Yep. Like position stuff where it needs to be.

And it's just like, yeah, it's so much of your job is not about being funny. It's just about like you're supposed to just kind of have a good energy and you have to be up there. Yeah. Like you're hosting a party. But the Saturday shows were dope. There's like 300 people at each show. Wow and uh and like everyone crushed like it was so fun nice man yeah when you can have like a packed room it's so cool because it's so because it's so easy like so easy and it's like a theater setup yeah like the laughs just like fucking reverberate

all through the room it felt so good yeah it was amazing yeah like yeah it was great yeah 25 minutes to like you don't have to worry about the energy dipping or the crowd like nope you could like say anything at that point yeah i mean no that's not true they they were like there was some stuff that like yeah but they were great yeah yeah it was so fun dude yeah fucking hey man that's great yeah are you guys gonna do more shows yeah i think he wants me he said whenever i'm on the east coast i'll hit you up fucking yeah it was cool he was like he was like he was like really i just kind of felt like he was i think you know like when you work with people they want they want an opener that they can trust and like the whole time i'm

just worried like i never think i'd never like if say I crushed, like I did do well because I'm really hard on myself. And like, so I would say like Thursday and Friday I was being really, I did okay. Yeah. And I was being hard on myself. And at lunch it felt, it made me feel really good. He was like, dude, you're doing so good. I love watching you work.

It's like, yeah. And then I even threw, I threw out like a whole 10 minute chunk and put a new 10 minute chunk in on the Saturday shows just because I was like, all right, well, these jokes, like no one's really related. They're doing okay. They're too inside. Like hips are bullshit. And then so I threw in some shit. I got lucky.

I was doing, I was setting up a joke and this woman's cell phone was going off and I was like, I think your phone's going off. She's like, it was in the front row. I'm like, no, your phone's going off. She's like, oh, it is. I'm sorry. And it was just like this beep. It was like beep, beep. and i just kind of played off i was like yeah you know

i don't need a beeping noise going on around me and i got a big laugh and i told some airport stories that i haven't done in a while oh right on crushed nice yeah so it was fun and so i just put those in my sets for the rest of the week very nice very nice great yeah sounds like we had a pretty similar weekend of show. That was a bummer. Ralphie May died. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Wait, he died? Dude. I act like I don't know. Greg was on stage and his wife was calling him the day Ralphie May died. And Greg's like, all right, everyone be quiet. I'm going to pick up the phone. He puts the phone to the mic and you're just like how's it going honey she's like are you preparing to go on he's like yeah yeah i'm just going over my notes and there's like snickering in the audience and she's like hey did you hear that ralphie may died

and he's like yep heard that and then like the call dropped off and like oh my god this woman in the audience kept going it was really like deafening silence and the one dropped off and like oh my god this woman in the audience kept going it was really like deafening silence and the one woman kept and then he's like yeah ralphie died and this one woman yelled twice really no but really did he die and greg's like he's like no i just like uh i just like making up stories about my friends dying yeah it was so uncomfortable jesus wow did that fucking backfire oh my god yeah you worked with him oh yeah i worked with him twice he did the podcast um he was dude he was so nice like um he uh the show the first shows that i did with him i think he just wanted a two-man show with him and somebody he brought with him yeah but andrew uh the owner of mcgoobies is like very particular

about what the host says and how the host sets up a show and plugging things and stuff like that so he's like well look i just want this guy to be on the show and ralphie could have said like no yeah you know when it comes down to it like the person that's the headliner yeah they're gonna easily just especially when you're selling tickets to you know sells when it comes down to it, like the person that's the headliner, it's like, they're going to easily just be like, especially when you're selling tickets to, you know, sells out everywhere he goes. So, uh,

so yeah. So he's like, Oh no, it's going to be on the show. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, and, uh, yeah. So I was only doing, I was doing like seven to eight minutes up top. Yeah.

And like, it was just, it was so fun. And, uh, so, you know, I would be like, kind of talk to him a

little bit but like here and there he'd do the stuff that you're talking about he's like are you doing great you're doing great plan keep it up you know and you're like oh cool thanks man yeah it's so nice to hear that from a headliner oh yeah yeah yeah even it because for them too it's funny like we think the bar is so high like they're more worried about their stuff anyway and they're like buddy you're getting laughs it's fine like i'm not expecting you to be like a revelation exactly they're not like yeah you know you might be a young richard pratt they're just like yeah you're doing your job but like in our retarded heads like we want to crush and like impress yeah and that's the pinnacle it's like buddy i've seen you i've seen everybody so many times exactly versions of you yeah and not even to say that it's

that's a bad thing it's like just when you've been doing it for so long you know oh for sure uh so yeah same with him he started when he was like 17 yeah listen to the podcast i forget what number it is probably should have looked that up as a professional re-upload it yeah i could do that do that this week when you put this one out yeah i could do that uh if you want yeah yeah yeah so let's see because uh you know let's get some hits off a guy's death yeah right i always feel that way when i see like mark maron and other people like releases it and i'm like uh yeah i felt weird about even um like putting a post about it because it's so like when somebody dies they're like wow you know what really is a bummer that i knew him anyway like what's not a bummer i think if you do it right like hey look he was really cool dude and i just you know like that you want people to know him

like yeah like as a cool dude yeah yeah exactly so it's like making it yeah if you're not like yeah wow i had the best it'd be so she was, I had the best sets of my life that weekend, you know. Ralphie thought I was so fun. You should too. I'm booking now. Yeah, exactly. Here's my website. But yeah, so he was, yeah, so like every show was packed and he sold like special VIP tickets or something.

So he could be all in the front row. He's a money maker dude and that guaranteed you um also a meet and greet afterwards and like all the merch that he sold he likes like it was like a fucking flea market he had really not only had like shirts and cds and like records and stuff like the obvious shit and like stickers and whatever um but he also had uh his own barbecue sauce that he made his own dry rub he had aprons yeah he used to be a he used to be a sous chef at like a nice emerald legacies restaurant that makes sense yeah yeah i mean you know you can tell the fellow liked food i'm guessing wait ralphie likes liked food what i got like food what um so yeah but he sold all that stuff he ended up giving me episode 152 is when ralphie may was on but uh he uh yeah ended

up giving me like stuff for free and he tipped all the waitresses like a hundred bucks and that's awesome the second time he came through he uh he had a tour manager with him and uh ralphie it's funny like athletes are sponsored by like like clothing companies and shoe companies comedians are sponsored by weed companies he was sponsored by a weed company an edible company so he just had tons of edibles for free and he's like here you go play you can have one and it's like all right it's like this little gummy square yeah oh yeah yeah and it had something something crazy like 50 milligrams of i think you said 75 that's what it was yeah and it was like that is a ridiculous amount it's a huge amount like if i could have maybe like 10 to 15 we usually do like yeah yeah well i we usually do like five at a time yeah

yeah and that's even to just get like a little bit because when you eat it yeah like it's something about the way you digest it through i think your liver becomes almost like uh like on like borders on becoming like a hallucinogen basically that it's so strong um so uh so anyway but yeah 75 milligrams and he would pop one of those before he goes on stage. Just like, that's unbelievable. Yeah. And also I love that he's sponsored by a weed.

Yeah. And then he does like an hour and a half of comedy, right? No, at a minimum. Like the guy like would command a room on a stool for two and a half hours. Like people like, they'd be like, God damn, that's a long show, but they weren't leaving. That's crazy. Um, and it would suck for the staff because people are like we just want to go home yeah that late show friday must suck

dick yeah exactly it starts at 10 yeah yeah exactly yeah with the show before you go up on stages are like 945 again he would tip everybody and like be the nicest guy so yeah uh with the edible he gave me his tour manager is like be, be careful with those, man. I ate one of those once. I was high for four days. It's like four days. Four fucking days. So I went home and I was in a good mood. Yeah, it was the Friday night shows.

They went well. And then I went to bite into it. And I should have just taken an X-Acto knife or a little thing and just cut off a sliver of it. But I bit into it and I ended up eating like 60% of it. And I was like, was like oh no that's so much and i tried to sleep it off and then i woke up higher than i've ever been like i tried to like yeah race it like okay i'm gonna go to bed and before i even get high then i woke up my

skin was vibrating like that's how high i was such a weird way to go to sleep you're like fall asleep fall asleep yeah don't get too high don't get too high yeah yeah i was like but luckily it was such a late night i mean i got home yeah two or whatever it was just because the shows were so late and so yeah trying to go to bed like that and then i woke up and i'm like oh my god i'm so fucking like yeah holy shit all i could hear was that tour manager be like four days four days i have stuff to do i have to i to. I got to get brunch. But yeah, like he did the podcast and he came in a little hot on the podcast. What do you mean?

He was just he was in a mood because we did it the Saturday after the shows and he thought we were going to meet him out front instead of doing it in the green room. So we were waiting for a while and then he came. He's like, where was y'all? I was waiting for you. What are you doing? Like, oh, no, I thought we were going to meet him out front instead of doing it in the green room. So we were waiting for a while. And then he came and he's like, where was y'all? I was waiting for you. What are you doing? Like, oh, no, I thought we were doing it here. He's like, no, God damn it.

Come on. Now I got to do this podcast for whoever the fuck listening. But he was like busting balls and he still like talked to us for like an hour. Damn, that's awesome. The only thing that was and that people have like contention with him, which I totally understand is like he would say the n-word on stage yeah that's kind of weird but not the hard r but yeah it's one of those it's weird yeah and it's one of those things he's like you know i'm from the south i'm

with people that are like the like that with racist people no no no no no no like people that like i grew up here in my white mom and dad i'm racist yeah i'm at the nra we say it all the time over there how would he say it uh just as like like kind of half what would he say like he'd be like i mean come on like n word you know and you're like like he's not even worried have to he wouldn't be like this guy is that like the crowd the pull back when he did it a little bit and that yeah did he address it yeah and one time he was like i could say it right like pointing to an african-american guy and the guy's like yeah yeah but that's putting that guy in a weird spot yeah he says no and then all the white

people in timonium are like yeah this n yeah so it was like yeah that was the only thing where yeah and so basically he was saying like i guess his friends give him a pass to say but it's like still man it's such a weird thing i don't think you should it's funny because you retold that story to russ green who's a black comic yeah and then like russ i was at a show with russ and uh he knew and he was saying how like when white people like will casually drop the n-word in front of you because you know they're like oh we're cool and he was and he didn't want to give up who it was and i was like who is it come on he's like i don't know man he was like because he started the story like i almost smacked this dude but i

didn't want to because i really like him and then i was like who was it he's like all right it was kaderna and i was like dude but he was and it was you retelling the story which i thought was different yeah it's not like me being like man what up you know like you know like i didn't use it i was quoting somebody else so yeah i was in a counseling session with this 11th grade girl, an 11th grade girl, and she was counseling me. I was telling her about my girlfriend issue. And I was, it was like some crazy thing happened where, I think it was on the news, so it's fine to talk about. After their volleyball game, like for some reason, like the, my school's team got jumped

and it was led by a mom on the other team. And there's a video of this person getting her head smashed into a wall by that mom and she got a concussion. Whoa, she pushed a little girl? She's not little, but she's an 11th grader. Still not an adult? Yeah, and she was like, Mr. Khan, we were fighting not just kids, but moms. And she said the N-word. And I was like, what do you...

They're like dudes? And I was like, when you say N-word, what do you mean? She's like, Mr. Khan, you can say it. And I was like, no, I can't. She's like, well, you can say it in front of me. I was like, no, I'm not going to. But yeah, she meant like grown men. Jesus.

Yeah. It was nuts. It was crazy. I saw the video. It's fucking nuts. Yeah. So what the fuck happened? Did they lose and they started shit?

They won. Well, they got crushed in the game anyway. They don't know why it happened. They have no idea. Yeah. Fucking A, man. That's insane. Isn't that crazy?

Jesus Christ. I remember my brother was young. Woodlawn, the local heist. That was our district. The school where... Hey, me. Hey, me. Hey, me?

Hey, me. What was her name? Hey, me. Hey, you. Hey, you did. Hey, nobody. Man. Hey, man, Lee.. Hey, nobody. Heyman Lee.

That was the name from Serial. That's where the murder. Heyman leaving this earth. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. You did. Yeah, that's the school where Serial takes place. My brother had a choir concert in fourth grade, and I didn't want to go because I was like,

I want to watch TV. Sure. I feel that way all the time yeah there was a basketball game going on and woodlawn or i don't know something happened and after the game a knife fight broke out between a knife fight between holy shit pulled out knives and like i think somebody got stabbed and then like cut and then they're like hiding under cars cars and so my brother's like choir concert like they weren't allowed to leave and it just like you know got interrupted by they just heard all these cops and like they had to stay in the auditorium damn like the coast was clear yeah crazy yeah i think on ken island can you believe a girl got murdered at that school no definitely not um well i blame best buy for that one but

best buy oh yeah yeah fuck best buy dude um yeah i can island i don't think we had anything maybe we did but i remember that i think a brawl did happen like after a wrestling match or something like that i don't really remember but i just remember that the cops tried to mace whoever was involved in the fight but of course it's really dumb to do in a crowd. So you, like, maced a ton of people. What an idiot. Yeah. That's nuts.

That's Ken Island, man. Yeah. Yeah, it was just there, actually, for my buddy Blake, who's probably listening. Shout out to Blake. What up, dude? His baby boy, Reagan, turned one. And I got him a little Hulkamania onesie. It's pretty cute.

That's dope. Yeah. So it's yellow. Then it has Hulkamania in the red lettering. And then it has a cool little etched on World Championship belt on it. Nice. Yeah. So it was funny.

I got to show Karen some of Kent Island. And it was a good hang. We were talking to Ryan, my buddy Ryan. Yeah. And I think so Ryan will fuck with Blake. Then Blake will fuck with Ryan. And I think Ryan was like, how's your kid's dick? Or something like that.

I wasn't there for that. Just like messing with him. And so Blake was changing. How's your kid's dick? Something like that. I wasn't there for that. Just like messing with him. And so Blake was changing. How's your kid's dick? Something like that. Gotcha. Yeah, exactly. Well, then Blake later was,

they were changing his diaper and he was holding up his kid. And of course, he didn't have a diaper on. And he was like, hey, Ryan, look at this. Here you go. I didn't have a context

for the earlier conversation. So we're just sitting at the table and Blake's just holding his kid up. A naked baby. So we're just sitting at the table. Blake's just holding his kid up. Naked baby. Hey, look at this dick, Ryan. What do you think, huh? Because Ryan apparently told a story where he went to an office party. Because we were talking about it's weird to go to parties where you don't know people.

And you're just kind of uncomfortable when you're trying to make conversation. And he went to a work party and i guess the couple whose house it was just kept talking about their great dane or something like that they just like oh the dog blah blah blah oh wow it's a big breed well and ryan just goes that's a big dog does it take big shits people were like what's wrong with you i'm i do that kind of shit dude i'm so dumb i like i was i remember i just graduated college i started a real job uh yeah i already got in trouble the first week uh they brought me into their all the super two supervisors brought me into an office my like third week of the job and they were like hey do you like it here oh and i was like yeah why and

they're like well we heard some uh somebody some somebody said you were complaining about some things we've asked you to do and it's just like looking back on it like yeah like one i was like you know a little stupid right also it's just like it was just like such a stuffy environment and like what cunt goes and like complain and tattles what umar said it's just like such a stuffy environment. And like what cunt goes and like complains. And tattles. Hey, guess what Umar said. It's just like, yeah, I probably said it like jokingly. Yeah. Yeah.

And then anyway, so then flash forward, we're on a crew, on the spirit cruise like downtown where they'll go around the harbor and it was just kind of like. Yeah, you have like a buffet. I've done it. Yeah. Yeah. You have a buffet and you kind of just circle the harbor. Yeah.

It was just like a work retreat. And I don't know. I have no idea why, but it was like, like yeah and so we're hanging out and drinking and eating and they were doing hypotheticals and like their hypotheticals are so lame because i worked with all like young white like very white yeah women yeah uh who yeah like their idea of a hypothetical is way tamer than ours. Yeah. So like they were like, okay, let's say like you were at an orphanage, okay?

And there was like the cutest baby. If you could take Ellen to one restaurant, which would you take her? And they're like, and let's say like you fell in love with this kid, but like the kid had some like, I don't know, like some dumb name. Oh, okay. And you could only, but you really want this kid, but you're not allowed to change the name. Would you adopt this kid?

It's like, yeah. Obviously. Obviously. Like, why would you fucking, some human you like fell in love with, just let them live a shitty life because you, an adult, can't get over a name that you don't like.

Also, it's like, just call them by their middle name. Yeah, or just make up a nickname. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the dumbest fucking hypothetical you guys all banded together and threw her off the we didn't they were into it and then my stupid and i used to be way crazier than i like now like i like will try to like care about other people's feelings when i talk yeah yeah and i can only imagine because there's sometimes two i'm like umar what do you say i know and so now wait when was the last time you thought that uh the one thing that comes to mind is uh it was around christmas time and me and karen went to golden west and we popped in that like vintage shop afterwards uh-huh and uh you ran into people

you know and uh you're like what are you guys doing they're like oh we're just picking up some gifts you're like man i don't have to celebrate christmas we don't buy each other shit that sucks they're like yeah i guess it does suck i'm buying gifts it's like like i got what you were trying to say it's like you're like oh that's you know yeah like you're trying to say like well i don't have to do it but it like yeah it was like kind of disparaging them yeah i'm like oh you that sucks you you know, yeah. Like, you're trying to say, like, well, I don't have to do it. But it, like, was, like, kind of disparaging them shopping. Yeah, I'm like, oh, that sucks. You have to waste your money on this bullshit.

Pretty much. I mean, I do feel that way. I know, I know. But I'm just going to say, that's not a, it's very uncouth to say. Yeah, so I was like, hey, I got a hypothetical for you guys. Which one of you broads wants to ask this deed? And I was. You're dressed like a captain.

The captain of the boat. Looks like we're pulling into Pussy Harbor. I'm like looking back on it. I was like, they probably all walked away and talked so much shit about me. And I don't care. I don't like any of them or hang out with any of them. Except for one person. She's a good friend of mine.

Sure, sure, sure. And this is one that our good buddy Alex Bersolowski gave us because this motherfucker loves hypotheticals. Yeah, he really does. And he wants, he already knows like what in his head the quote, unquote, right answer is. And if you don't give it to him, like he makes you feel like a piece of shit. Yeah.

It's so funny. He'll just go back and forth with you for a long time. Yeah, he's like, well, why? Why wouldn't you? It's just like, Alex, who the fuck gives a shit? Anyway, so he came up with a cool hypothetical it was like okay let's say like you're walking down the street with your significant other you love this person so much then like a wizard pops out nowhere turns this person into an animal yeah and the only way you can bring them back

is you have to fuck that animal what animal would you feel comfortable fucking and that's how i pitched out to people i've known for like maybe three weeks oh my god and a brand new job at a work at a work retreat and no one wanted to answer and i was like i'll do a killer whale killer whale because i've always wanted to fuck a white and black person at the same time i didn't say that part yeah you want to bring it together yeah man it's like actually thinking about that now that's so embarrassing god good on you for it like but in the moment you were completely confident like i thought it was i actually thought it was an interesting like i thought it would be a more lively discussion like i didn't realize how um how different my sensibilities are yeah other people especially in a work setting too it's very like vanilla for the most part it's very like right down the middle of just like here's a

like big bang theory yeah that's why i love working where i work now it's like you can say it's wide open oh my god whatever the fuck you want yeah luckily like my like we're not like to the level where we're like cussing and stuff but we the other day at a meeting one of my managers she was like did you know a tossed salad did you know that that was a you can't say that and we're all like where how did this okay so so it's like that type of thing like we could like joke around a little bit and get like oh yeah yeah and they're they're cool with it like i i never have to be fake about it which is which is great same like my co-worker like thought i was gay and when she the like last year the first like like maybe second week yeah you're over here trying to fuck free willie dude she her i was trying to fuck shamu bro philly free willie's mom i'm a milf oh there you go

fucker um i'm a milf i'm a milf no she like i i was talking about going on a date with a woman and she goes mr khan and she spits out her car yeah what she goes mr khan do you i didn't know you liked it like that i was like liked it was like yeah i thought you were on the down low yeah she was like well how do you how did you think i liked it and then she proceeds to bend over and mimed getting fucked in the ass and like it's the funniest thing in the world oh my god i thought it was i like that shit tickles me and i was like oh we're gonna get along so well yeah yeah yeah. I was just in another meeting this year. I'm at a new school. And we were talking about, I don't know most of the kids because I'm brand new.

But I said in meetings, like if kids are failing and stuff. Yeah. And they kept referring to this kid. What do they keep calling him? They said he was like, oh, my God, like a queen or something. Oh, like a diva. Diva. They kept saying he's a diva. Yeah, was like oh they think he's gay like that's yeah damn it's so dude the meetings are so unprofessional if like no parents show up right right it's the best you gotta need that in that

environment because you're dealing with some heavy shit some intense shit it's like look i don't have to put on airs and pretend that this isn't like that dude that person she grew up in baltimore city she has a master's degree from hopkins like she and like yeah yeah she like she yeah she knows what's up yeah yeah she's not a bad person it's just like you gotta yeah yeah make each other laugh you gotta make each other you know by putting down other people's kids just for being a little different yeah and not that it's a bad thing he's a diva all right well yeah let's uh wrap it up let's let's uh be a couple divas and wrap this up this saturday me and you let's do some plugs me and you are on a show at wonderland ballroom that our buddy ahmed vea host who did a great job hosting your show yeah i got a lot of positive

feedback about him yeah shout out to him for hosting. Yeah, he'll never be back because I don't want to be replaced. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I feel bad that he had to do that because, again, nobody likes hosting. But it's fun. But in that room, dude, and he got to do a longer set and he got paid way more. He got, yeah, no, he definitely had benefit. But you know what I mean?

I get it. I get to close out a show versus, yeah. You just want to hang out. He wasn't going to close out anyway shout out to ahmed uh he had his first weekend uh doesn't he have his first weekend at a club this weekend yeah he was at the dc draft last weekend uh featuring for i think yeah i think it was this weekend it was this past weekend because this weekend we're doing that show oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah happened uh so we're at the wonderland ballroom eight o'clock it's a cool show uh where like the audience starts out topics they want to hear about and we have 15

minutes to write a new joke about it yeah and it's like sort of a competition there's like two teams so i'm i'm excited for that one and uh and before that this thursday at 8 30 i will be doing speechless that's the improvised powerpoint show and And that's also the DC Draft House. Five bucks. Come through for that. We have Rami and Mastafavi as a contestant. Denise Taylor and Benji Himmelfarb. That's a good ass lineup.

Yeah, yeah. I want to get you on the next one. Yeah, I'm going to. But that's always... No, we're the second Thursday, so we can do it. Yeah, so yeah. We'll get you on in November. October 22nd, I'm featuring in Frederick at the Cellar Door.

Very nice. It's a great show. Very nice. Well, cool, man. This is a good one. So we'll put up... Yeah, check out the Ralphie May episode, episode 152. He does call Heath Ledger the N-word at the beginning.

On your podcast? At the beginning. the podcast at the beginning holy did you ever did you even think about editing that out not really it'd be different if like he didn't say it on stay i don't know i i had a weird thing about it just because it's like he did say it's him saying it and like it's and he's being he knows that he's on being recorded so yeah but it was just funny like that's what i mean he was coming in hot he was in a mood and like he he basically shit on heath ledger for dying you know why that's pretty funny he's just like man get out my batman movie you can't handle your pills that's a funny ass joke and then like

it's somehow he related it to going on tour with doug stanhope he's just like yeah you ain't gonna survive in 92 with dougie stanhope doing a run in the midway okay i think he'll be okay yeah that's amazing yeah uh you ain't gonna survive like heath ledger would be on tour with doug stanhope in 1992 yeah that's crazy uh but other than that man he was really cool he was very good to comics and i felt bad for the guy man the second time he came through he was going through, man, he was really cool. He was very good to comics and I felt bad for the guy, man. The second time he came through, he was going through a divorce and he was getting sued actually. By who? By a group of Native Americans.

For real? Yeah. I forget the group. He said barbecue sauce recipe. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. He said he was going to give it to him. Then he took it back.

Damn. But yeah, he was like, yeah, my wife's leaving me. Indians hate me. My life's like a bad country music song. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah. So, you know,

a lot of people were posting like the same stories about how nice he was. And I know we're wrapping up, but somebody told a story where he bumped somebody for the weekend of shows and uh he didn't mean to bump him this person was supposed to headline and then they had him say to feature and like significantly less pay of course when you're featuring versus

headlining oh yeah and ralph he found out about it he's like oh dude i'm so sorry and just gave him a thousand bucks right out of his pocket oh my god so people have a lot of stories like that and i do agree that it's like fucked up that he said the n-word and stuff but never i never said it in a disparaging way but it should not have been said either way but other by all accounts the dude had a good heart so yeah so rest in power dude and uh thank you everybody for listening we're gonna try to to put out more episodes in a more timely fashion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, guys. And yeah, we'll talk to you soon, everybody.

David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah