The Digression Sessions - Ep. 234 - Chris LaMartina!

Episode Date: October 26, 2017

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are joined by director, writer, producer, professed pumpkin lover - Chris LaMartina!  Chris is most well known for directing Call Girl of Cthulu, WNUF Halloween Special, and not sending Josh a Christmas card! jk! We love this fella. Fun convo! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Have you heard? What are we? What are we? Obama? Yeah. We make podcasts great again, asshole. Yeah. The audacity of decent audio. I'm about to change our guest for the week. All right. God damn. Yeah.

Martina. Local filmmaker. Celebrity heartthrob. Man about town. Sitting on the couch in my palatial home. Josh Kedern here with my good buddy, Umar Khan. The dog is sniffing around. And Chris Lamartina joins us.

He just ate some pork rinds. He's got a double gulp. He's ready to fucking pie. I am ready to do par-tay. What's palatious mean? You know what? He said it so many times I still don't really know. It's palatial.

Like a palace. Yeah. I always imagined it was like a minor character from the Star Wars trilogy. You know what? He said it so many times I still don't really know. It's palatial. Like a palace. Yeah. I always imagined it was like a minor character from the Star Wars trilogy. That's true. Palatius. Yeah. I actually bought the house from him. Sorry, them.

They're transitioning now. Are they? That's on me. That's on me. Yeah, we're a woke podcast, Chris. Yeah. Okay, that's fair. Yeah, man.

Thanks for doing this. We thought you'd be a good guest it's a halloween time is it oh my god i know right spooky stuff is happening you thought those pumpkins just grew on your porch right through the concrete really obnoxious weeds well i just bought the place a year ago from that star wars character i don't know how the house works wait will this be your first Halloween, Chris, at your house? No, second Halloween. So last year what we did was

we had a ton of trick-or-treaters and we went super all out. We made little goodie bags and had candy and I showed Super 8 horror movies on the front porch. And it was super fun. We didn't have that many trick-or-treaters, so all the times we spent in goodie bags it was sort of like, meh. But you didn't mind eating those? Oh, dude, it was great. It We didn't have that many trick-or-treaters, so all the times we spent in goodie bags was sort of like, meh.

But you didn't mind eating those? Oh, dude, it was great. It was really good for my diabetes. Hold on. That was one thing that your agent told us not to bring up on the podcast was your diabetes and short lifespan. I'll probably only be able to do podcasts when diabetes takes my eyesight away. Oh, my God.. Oh my God.

Oh my God. So like last Halloween, but enough about disabilities. He calls it type fun diabetes. He likes to have a good time. So he had this little super 8 projector showing old horror movies on the porch and all these kids would walk up

and rather than watching the screen, they'd be like, what the fuck is this thing showing these movies? Because they had no concept of what film was. So they would just watch these two canisters just roll around, being like, what is this? That's so cool. Is this like a Halloween prop? Yeah.

And you got to explain it to them? No, no, no. I just said it was magic. Oh, okay. That was the scary part. Like, this used to be an iPhone. They're like, ah! Well, Chris and I grew up in the same neighborhood, but we weren't friends.

We didn't know each other. We knew the same shitty kids, though. We talked about them. We did. But we first realized that we were like, you remember that kid, too? Yeah, I beat him up. Umar beat him up. Umar?

I did? Oh, don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just punched him in the face. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you still got up because Umar's a weak puncher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was the only person I punched in the face. Okay, okay. So you still got up because Umar's a weak puncher. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was the only person I punched in the face that wasn't my brother. And he was four years older than me. Why'd you punch him? He just kept making fat jokes. We were at the pool and I just punched him in the face. Good for you, man. Speaking of spooky stories. Yeah.

And I don't know if you're going to be like, don't talk about this stuff. Who knows? Maybe we'll see. Oh, I don't give a shit. So at the end of our um development and this is really funny because umar and i straight up like we did not know each other yeah so like a lot of similar things in woodbridge valley where we grew up like we'd be like oh you remember that thing yeah so umari scored the pool a lot and i had the pool for like maybe like like i went one or two summers but there was this lady's house behind the pool. Oh, yeah. And all the kids that I talked to would be like, that lady's a witch. No, not only was it behind the pool, dude.

Okay, so this lady. Was she just weird because you were young? No. She was like, hello. She would have been weird if we were old, but we'll tell you that. Dude, you're not painting the story because this lady refused to move. So this whole housing development where i grew up was bill you've been to my house it's like a bunch of cul-de-sacs and shit yeah yeah yeah she refused to move right

so they built this whole housing development around her house so her house was literally in the middle of the woods damn like in the woods i don't even know if she had like running electricity or water or anything and what makes us even creepier yeah is the fact that there was probably five or six abandoned cars that were just rotting in the woods around her around her house she had to establish a perimeter and we we called her we called her like the crazy cat lady because there was like like 50 cats always around her house but i figured it'd be too hack but she was actually like a she was actually in the woods uh my friends had uh guns pulled on them by her sons oh really yeah wow um because like people you know they would fuck with her a lot yeah yeah i mean i definitely went back there because the first time i actually discovered it i didn't

think it was anyone living there it's like there's no fucking way anyone's living in this house yeah and i remember I went back, there were a couple kids, and we were like, what is this? And I actually ended up taking a bunch of weird stuff. I was like, what is this thing? I'm gonna take this.

And retrospect, that was really crappy because this poor lady was obviously like, that is straight up... Who's stealing? That is straight up... Chris, the little kid's like, free insulin, what the hell? She died shortly after that.

I was picturing him taking her generator for her house. What is this? Looks like a projector. Yeah, it's just so weird because that wasn't that long ago. It was in the 90s. Early or mid-90s, yeah. So that's crazy.

Still 20 years ago. Isn't that wild? Yeah, that is wild. But I think it's crazy to have a house that straight up... I mean, it's really shitty that developers were like, we're going to develop your entire area around you. I mean, she was trapped there, basically. I don't even remember being a road into there. There was no road into there.

That's fucked up. There's no road, no pathway, nothing. As a city developer, like, planner, like, that shouldn't have gone through. Like, you can't just cut somebody off from fucking society. And the moral of the story is, the real monster is us. Yeah, I know. That was the plot twist at the end. Yeah, she was probably just some nice lady who was like,

no, this is my family's house. And Target's like, no, we're going to buy this. And then she's off on her own. She doesn't have running water and everybody's like you stink she's like i don't stink yeah well there's a couple there's a couple people like that where we grew up like uh right behind my house uh there's a car dealership like literally like there's like a fence and then a car dealership and it's uh and uh there's this back road that we would take to walk to like Toys R Us and remember TCBY was there.

Yeah. And one night we were walking back. I was in eighth grade. What a nice little night. You're like, let's go check out some toys. Yeah. And maybe some froyo. Oh, we got banned from Toys R Us. But there was a farm there and they also refused to move. Yes, I forgot about the farm.

It's like a haunted creepy farm it's not well they did grow gourds oh yeah but they were creep okay so one night we i was in eighth grade we dropped my friend off at toys r us because his sister was like being a dummy and like didn't want to come all the way down to where i live so she's like all right i'm just gonna pull off route 40 meet me here we're like okay So then me and my buddies are walking back. And this fucking truck is coming. And it's a dead end road. And it is hauling ass.

And we're like, why are they not stopping? And they started speeding up. So then we fucking start running. Holy shit. And I'm like a fat piece of shit at this point. But it was so funny because my friends were skinnier. That's that bully's words, not yours. Yeah.

And I was so scared. I ran because my friends were skinnier. Hey, that's that bully's words, not yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was so scared. I ran past my two skinny ass friends and we're running and like pushed him over. It's not about who's the quickest, just who's not the slowest. Umar's like, I pretended there was a cake at home. I just hustled so hard. But so, you know, like usually like you would think like oh i thought it was like kids fucking one of this yeah then you hear the car stop doors open and slam and people yelling at us to stop and we i mean like i was like oh tonight is the night i die and then so we run

we're fucking did i love that band is that a band oh that's the day i die so then we run we like haul ass we sprint dive into my house close the door my other friends are there through a window like what do you know like because my brother and my friends were just sitting on the stoop and we're like go inside go inside so we hold the door we all just dive in there and we close the door and then and then like my dad there's all this yelling and and my dad's like what's going on we're like i don't know so much and then you just hear like fucking knocking at the like just insane banging on the door and we're like don't open it don't open it and and uh my dad's like what the fuck and he opens the door yeah which i can and like looking back on him like it's pretty badass i guess you know like well i mean to him the stakes are like oh my kids are fucking up

vandalize something and some guys like hey uh your kids threw an egg at my house so that's what it was was these two it was just the couple who owns the farm and they have had a lot of issues with kids vandalizing their property and And they thought we were leaving their property and they were filming us and everything. It was so weird, dude. That is weird. They had a video camera the whole time in our face. And this is like before video cameras were really popular.

I didn't know that you were white. I know. Dude, if Twitter was around back then, I'd be the original hashtag. You know what I'm talking about? I'm just kidding. Oh, my God. The original hashtag.

Oh, what a terrible nickname. It's funny. That farmer that farmer like one time me and my buddy dot is you ever meet him dotus pillius he was in that neighborhood for a while um he was um we do we would do terrible things as kids and he was a really good friend of mine back then but anyway like um we were just going through there and we cut through that back area and found this farm we were like oh my gosh like we found like we felt almost felt like we went to another dimension like there's a farm in our like weird sub there's two yeah it's crazy there's a clearing in the woods and then we started doing this weird thing where we're like oh my god we're just gonna watch this guy and his son like pick gourds and then they finally saw us it was weird moment then they ended up like befriending us and gave us all these pumpkins and stuff it was it's actually sweet i was gonna say yeah that sounds really nice you

guys again like you guys sound like the weirdos in the story I know you're watching they're like oh yeah pick that gourd you fucking weirdo

we're wearing grease paint it's like predator yeah you just see their heat pattern you don't have any weirdos like in your neighborhood like

not one let's move on where'd you grow up Kent Island okay so yeah we actually had a similar there's Leland Malinsky

he was kind of weird yeah yeah We actually had a similar There was Leland Malinsky He was kind of weird Yeah Real weirdo No similar thing Cause yeah It was like It was all just Like communities and stuff

And there was a farm And everybody All the kids would go Check it out Like the farmhouse there Just because it said No trespassing Yeah

It's haunted Blah blah And then we would just Go up to it and be like I don't want to go in Yeah Well then Stuff like that Do you ever Did you ever go to Hell House? Yes Okay it's haunted, blah, blah. And then we would just go up to it and be like, I don't want to go in. Yeah. Well, then,

stuff like that. Did you ever go to Hell House? Yes. Okay. Do you know about Hell House, Josh? What that is. Okay. So Hell House, and I'm going to butcher this a little bit.

So that was sort of like the legend trip you do as a kid. Ellicott City. Yeah. Old, like historic Ellicott City, but like sort of the weird industrial area. And there's these long steps. People call it Jacob's Ladder. It was like about 70 steps up like real steep hill and then

you'd go to the ruins of this um i think it was a seminary it was the former saint mary's college and it was like um it was like it was like seminary for priests right so they learned how to be um you know i thought it was an all i i heard it was an all-girls school i think that's the patapsco female institute you're thinking about oh okay i okay. I could be wrong, though. And I'm not an expert on this, but I will tell you, there was some crazy things in researching what actually had happened. So I'd been told that there was... My brother told me these stories growing up, that the groundskeeper was this guy, and as my brother described it, he looked like Jesus gone bad.

Like long hair, real big beard. He was the original hashtag. That just sounds like Jesus so far. Gone bad. He has like tattoos. He's on the mound. Or the mounts or whatever. On the mound.

He's a pitcher now. Yeah, he's a pitcher. That's how cool he was. He's playing baseball. Who was that one pitcher that kind of looked like Jesus and then he played for the Mariners. He was really good.

Oh, the big unit? Yeah. The big unit. Yeah. I used to always... Randy Johnson. Yeah, I always picked him when I played Ken Griffey Jr. Oh, he was great.

On Super Nintendo. Quick side story about him. Yeah. He is the only player to hit a bird while pitching. Yes! You ever seen that video yeah just the weirdest confluence like he's pitching and yeah he could pitch super fucking fast so good yeah he goes to throw the ball like not even trying to but a bird just flies right in front of him and he just pegs

it and it explodes it's an explosion of feathers it's crazy just the timing like he couldn't do that if you fucking try no yeah that's so anyway sorry no no it's all good the timing like he couldn't do that if you fucking try no yeah so anyway back to actual spooky thing that's actually probably way spookier than anything no i know look that up um yeah so like uh so my bro would talk about this guy and the guy the groundskeeper his name is rufus and and as he called it he said he had these dogs that would roam the property and he called the hounds of hell and like apparently like rufus was like a satan worshiper and then like you know like all that stuff was weird like you know kids are so stupid it's insane yeah yeah so just keep adding stuff and i think that's what happened just like but that's what's funny when i

finally researched it this guy rufus was a real dude and he actually shot a kid in the face on a halloween night in the early 2000s because the kid was trespassing i remember no i remember i remember i remember hearing bad stories about a dude who does have a gun yeah uh because my friends would go there they were like older than me and i was like scared to go but i think i went after they cleaned up all the house and like if now it's just an empty uh plot of kids he's so dumb like you want to go there he shoots kids yeah well it's funny too because he ended up doing like they're not funny man i gotta work on my adjectives he definitely either did like prison time or something for manslaughter or something because he i mean like granted he was

the kid was pressed trespassing but it's like you know he didn't need to shoot the kid in the right right um but yeah whatever it's not like that kid was going to cure cancer. Who gives a shit? And also this guy had to stand his ground. Yeah. But it reminds me of a story. So like, you know, when we were kids, so I'm an accident.

So my brother's seven years older and my sister's five years older. And like I would always just tag along with them. So one day my brother, my sister, and their friend Dan, they're like,

let's go to Hell House and sort of screw around. It was like a nice fall day. Tucson's spooky, right? Uh-huh. Sohuh so we got there we get our pumpkin spice latte yeah we got our ugg boots on we're like let's get spooky we put on the monster mask oh my god so so we're all wearing spongebob costumes. Checking out the foliage. I legit used to wear a Spongebob t-shirt to school up until 10th grade. Nice. And I would wear Dickie.

The same one? I think I had a couple and I would wear Dickie like huge baggy Dickie shorts, you know, like the pop punk look. And I had like a fucking blue flame chain wallet. Like, God, just looking back on that, that like no wonder i didn't get laid yeah just fucking listening to newfound glory i thought it was so cool we also discovered too that uh umar were fubu as a youth and elementary school we realized what it stands for food umars or four four umars by umar yes yeah yeah i made uh i made fufu uh the pakistani community yeah exactly they didn't make clothing

for our style stylistic needs all right so it's a nice fall day so yeah so we drive up there and we get and my brother just got his license we're like driving up there like all right we're gonna go up there but chris like you know we don't um you know you gotta stay in here it's not safe for you to be walking around these ruins and i'm like yo and i'm like and they're probably like so my brother's 16 so he's seven years older so it's maybe like um nine right yeah so so uh i'm like, yo, and I'm like, and they're probably like, so my brother's 16, so he's seven years older. So it's maybe like nine, right? So, so I'm like, okay, I guess I'll just pretend to be smart. Nine years old. Oh my God.

We might, dude, that is like insanely young for that. Time to be alive as a, as a troublemaker in, in, in the early mid nineties because my brother would like, he loved to watch these insane movies because my parents weren't around anyway it's not important so oh my god so they they park the car and they leave me in the car and like you know like five minutes go by 10 minutes go by 20 minutes go by i'm like starting to get a little nervous i'm like yeah where are my my siblings and their friend like this is i'm like i where are my siblings and their friend? Like, this is, I'm like, I'm thinking about getting out of the car.

So like, and I'm finally like, all right, I'm gonna get out of the car. And they start running down the hill, like screaming. They're like,

holy shit, holy shit, we gotta go, we gotta go. Mike gets in the car and he starts turning on the ignition and Danny,

his friend is like, Chris, you're not gonna believe it. I'm like, what, what happened? He's like, there are all these dudes

like these big black cloaks up there and they were singing these chants, all this crazy stuff. And I'm just like my face turns like totally

like white as a sheet and then they just sort of pause and just start laughing and then cut to 15 years later Chris makes horror movies and my brother's a cop

and he shoots people in hoods no I'm just kidding we should cut that one out no we don't edit this podcast and he shoots people in hoods. No, I'm just kidding. We should cut that one out. No, we don't edit this podcast. He doesn't. He's a good guy.

I'm just kidding. No, he is a really good guy. You meant clan. You meant clan members, right? Yes, clan members. Nice work there, my friend. Josh winks at me hardcore. Not trying to edit this.

And good on the recovery. Thank you. But you went to Hall as a kid or no? Yeah, I went once. Yeah, and then the second time I went was for your bachelor party. Oh, man. Okay, well, you got to set that up. Yes.

Yeah, it was my first. Because you know when you're young and you think bachelor party. When I was young young i was like oh two things i'm looking forward to are spring break in college and bachelor parties and then you fast forward i'm in college it's just me sitting in home in my parents house just catching up on school work oh yeah it's spring break like i thought it was gonna be cancun it's just me watching kids at cancun on tv i was still looking forward to it though it's like whoo i'm to catch up on all my work. Yeah, I know. Dude, spring break 2K12?

I cannot wait. Did you guys ever take a spring break trip in college? No. Never. In college? Yeah, no. Not like a traditional Cancun? That's what I mean.

Yeah. Any kid who does that, it's like, oh yeah, those are the kids who don't do anything after college. Yeah. Those are the losers. Or really rich kids. Yeah too that's yeah but yeah all of the professors i had were like uh you have five page paper due it's after exactly wait yeah dude how do you afford that shit like i like i mean i have a job now and i could like i would i couldn't even imagine how

much it would cost to have a hotel for a week, hang out every day on the beach and drink and eat out. Yeah, round trip flying to King. Like, who are these fucking kids? They're rich kids. God, D. That's really scary. What if they were on E?

Terrifying. Terrifying. Just rubbing their face, trying to take a test? I got straight A's in college, and'm bragging is that true all right that's it i'm editing this yeah and uh i got my first b as a college student in grad school got my first bj after that yeah in grad school and i almost cried that's a 26 year old man two years ago yeah it just felt like like a personal like let like i was like oh man you piece of shit and i gotta you know how your parents feel after all these years well done well done and then uh because i got that b i got straight a's the first quarter i got a b plus in one class

rest a's i had to have a meeting with the director of my program for that b really she was just yeah she was like she was like i just want to know what's going on and i was like uh i don't know bitch i got a b plus you said that to her? Yeah. That's great. Yeah, really good job there. And it was great three months later when I had to defend my Holocaust joke to her. Oh, my God. You sure you don't want to end this fucking episode? Oh, I don't.

No. That's the thing I've said. That's true. We're a good shot. Oh, dude, I'm in a fucking union. I don't give a shit. Okay. Can't wait for that to be

in court would you mind reading the transcript from the top oh no but you have to read your laugh the defendant said quote uh-huh i said the holocaust so back to my bachelor party they're all like looking up the definition of palatial like actually it means this yeah i'm just in court like damn yeah you're like objection like you can't object you're just watching you're out of order this court's out of order it's like a shitty vending machine exactly oh out of order that's funny i'm stupid uh leaving that part in oh oh so yeah so then and then i thought like bachelor parties are gonna be like strippers and just fucking i don't know like you know like yeah just like drugs booze yeah yeah and then so christmas bachelor party we get burgers that was cool and then we get burgers. That was cool. Then we go,

we take a bus ride to Edgar Allen Poe's grave. Which, I don't know. By that time, we worked up quite the appetite. So the bus went straight to Chuck E. Cheese, where we saw a killer animatronic band.

Hell yeah, dude. We played skee-ball till we dropped. We all got little plastic skull rings with our tickets. Hell yeah. And then Heather, our buddy Heather, dressed up as a ghost. That was so funny. Yeah, so like, because I told him I didn't want to get a stripper or anything like that. Nobody wants that.

It's awkward. It's stupid. It's super weird, too. So like, on the bus, like know Like somebody said Like Chris we know You didn't want a stripper But what about a ghost stripper And then my friend Heather Popped up and she's

Wearing this sheet And she like walks over And just like That's awesome Sits on my knee And it was like The most awkward thing ever And then she like

It reveals to me Heather And it was like Oh that was fun Because she's like One of my closest female friends And but it was all dudes At this bachelor party So it was nice to have

You know Some estrogen in there For a second Some ghost estrogen In the mix but anyway after that yeah so wait the edgar and poe graveyard was it was the first time they ever opened it up for a night visit for a bachelor party well and just it was the first time they ever did a night tour really yeah that's what the dude told me that's crazy but uh the next night tour shows up he's like, this is the first one. Yeah, you're right. Get ready. Anything could happen.

But, like, you know, we've been drinking, and there's no bathroom there. Oh, my God. I forgot about this. And allegedly, some of us might have just peed in the graveyard. On Edgar Allan Poe's. Not his, but there's other graves there. Yeah. But, like, what are you going to do?

You know what I mean? Yeah, I think Tito Poe was my idea. Tito Allen Poe. And then we took a bus ride. The bus took us to the Hell House. And we just hung out in the woods for a little bit. Yeah, and we're all tanked. And we literally just made a race up the steps.

And we're all almost ready to vomit. We're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you guys just have a party bus driver? Yeah, we did. And is he just like like what the fuck did he probably was like this is the lamest but like no one pukes no one you know like there you go that's probably easy night for that guy sure sure yeah it's funny too heather told me when she was leaving because she was waiting in the car for um uh for us to get back there yeah the bus driver was like so do you do a lot of events like can i get your contact info it's like she's not a stripper that's

awesome really funny really really yeah she should be a stripper though she should be a ghost stripper that's like i bet you could probably do events yeah that'd be dope yeah yeah a thousand percent yeah it's also funny too like you can't be a ghost stripper for that long. You know what I mean? You're either a ghost. You take the shit. You take the shit off. You're just a stripper.

That's true. That is true. Let's talk to her about it when we manage her. Sounds like there's money to be made. Listen, we built this website. There's a market for it, obviously. We just sent her to kids' birthday parties. Actually, no.

That's not what you should do. But listen, for the kids right like she's naked underneath the pill like whatever she wore like the bed sheet but for the dads you know when she goes lap dances like holy shit you know what i mean right god well we're moving on all right anyway this is a woke podcast yeah i know i know i know it's great and we respect the sex industry chris do you not respect the sex industry? Dude, I have done sex works. Don't worry.

You have? I'm not saying this publicly. He's married. That's the joke. Just in case. Just in case. There's stuff I've definitely done. Why am I talking about this?

Let's move on. Yeah, this is interesting. Wait. No, you probably don't want to talk about that. mind uh terrible pod by what's your i know i know but there's like everybody at home is like just say it no i can't uh yeah no you can it's not that big of a deal like honestly like i'm starting you know i just started a new job if they would listen to this would be super weird i don't think most anyone i've worked with professionally doesn't know about this close friends do and i've talked to you about it we can talk about it afterwards

but i would prefer not to okay no not about that but there's a story from your childhood i'm trying to think about this childhood and like you're and you ran into the wall oh that's a funny story one time i was okay one time this is this is like that wall turned out to be a glory hole painful things ever um with actually not made painful thing not definitely not emotionally painful um so like one time i was like masturbating downstairs when i was probably like like i guess like i guess like middle school high school probably like late middle school high school and say i love any story that starts with stars masturbate yeah so like you know it's that time when you're a kid or like when you're young and you're like dude i've only got like an hour

of time by myself right because back in the day like not everyone had a laptop and you just had the family computer amen do you remember that like a modem dial up yeah yeah i mean you had to be like it was a race sometimes you'd set it up to download a photo overnight in the early days oh very nice very smart but i mean like you're up against the clock it's almost like an action movie you're just like peeking out the blinds i used to like walk around the house i'm like hello i'm not gonna masturbate if anybody's here so so i'm doing that and um i thought i heard someone's car pull up and i was like shit so i run to the window like pants on my ankles or like maybe

not I can't remember like but I got I managed to get to the window but I ran full blast and my erection hit the wall and I just remember I remember like just jumping up and down like it was dude it was like fucking

a Looney Tunes cartoon like that's just the best Your dick's flat Like a cartoon Oh my god But didn't expect to tell That story today guys So that's great

That's a fun story That was great Was somebody even coming home Or was it just a random car No So you didn't even need to run Yeah And it was like really

That was like the tragedy That was the really Like the horror story Twist ending that you were expecting. It's so funny. It's like, God, I love being a kid, dude. That shit's so great. That shit is so good. I never had something that bad, but.

Oh, yeah. Well, so, you know, for those who don't know, Chris, he does make, writes, directs, produces horror movies. And not just like. I love this transition. Not only does he slam his dick in his wall, which would be enough of a talent. But my man writes, directs, produces. And he scores them. Is he kidding?

Is he not? He's a talented musician. Talented young man. And he's someone playing a bunch of like. So this is crazy. We grew up in the same neighborhood yeah we never hung out but i used to go to like uh local punk shows yeah yeah and his band i would watch his band yeah which band was it uh band from the choice vegans and band from the basement i saw but i saw you guys both multiple times. They had a motherfucker in their band that would cut himself. Oh, my gosh, dude.

And so he would take a guitar string or something and cut him, and he would just be bleeding from his chest and forehead. I bet practicing that guy would suck. Like, all right, let's start the song from the top. He's like, really? I already cut myself three times. But, Josh, the best part is i would see them at like uh a recreation center or the ymca so it's like imagine like high school kill high school kids trying to be guar but playing in the

space where people are coming out like with like you know just got out of the pool or like oh my god yeah people going to play squash yeah stuff. But anyway, so yeah, Chris directs and writes horror movies. And they're not like good or anything. No, no, no. They're not like shady. You can watch them if you hate yourself. They're like very well done, like professional feature length. Like Call Girl Cthulhu is your latest.

Before that, you had WTMD. Or excuse me wnuf halloween yeah and and before that you had uh witch's brew and just fucking amazing if um if anyone's curious if anyone um listening wants to see that stuff uh wnuf halloween special is pretty seasonally appropriate and that's uh streaming on shutter which is uh amc's horror streaming service and that's veege and talk about like the way you kind of like just like before you actually distributed that movie didn't you like yeah put them on yeah i'll go into that yeah so like um wnuf is the whole joke is it's supposed to be like like a news broadcast in 1980s so the first 20 minutes like the local news then a tv reporter is doing a live broadcast in 1980. So the first 20 minutes are like the local news. Then a TV reporter

is doing a live broadcast from a supposedly haunted house and it's all like the special that was live on air. Oh, awesome. And then it's even cooler. So when we released the movie, it was supposed to be like

someone taped it off TV back in 1987. So every five minutes of the movie, there's a two-minute commercial break and we made all these fake commercials.

Yeah, it was so good. So when we finished the movie, we were like, okay, for distribution strategy, before we even got a distribution deal, we were like, okay, for distribution strategy, before we even got a distribution deal, I made probably like 50, 100 copies of this VHS tape of the show and just wrote on a white spine label, WNF Halloween Special 1987. And then my then-girlfriend, now wife, Melissa, we drove around throwing it out the window,

leaving it at thrift stores, leaving it at horror conventions. Yeah. That's so cool. And we even uploaded it on torrent sites saying that we we like had my aunt you know my godmother mary lou taped this off the tv back in the 80s and like you know like some people so smart i think when you watch the movie early on you're gonna realize it's it's sort of satire but there's like you know we had a um a guy from vice do an article about it that he saw it at this like brooklyn um festival and he was a little drunk so he was like halfway through it he was like is this real or not i can't tell but that's what you want absolutely yeah that's awesome yeah and then oh go ahead i would say

it's really cool it's kind of like the it's more because blair witch tried to do that too of like we just found the tape in the woods but then it's like also but miramax released it or whoever harvey wine but yeah i like the way that you yeah and that's one of the things too it's oh boy um so but that's one of the things too is like you know we always saw these because because and i love blair witch project i think it's actually a really well done movie yeah i remember enjoying it and uh the what's interesting about that in in the wake of blair witch a lot of people were making these movies that like if you buy a movie with the upc, there's no way

this is really found. The believability is lost. So when we started to make WMF Halloween special, it was like, okay, how do we keep the conceit believable? And that's why we released it

on VHS tapes first. But then obviously, everybody was like, you know what? Most people don't have VCRs anymore. Right, right. But it's like a cool kind of natural way

to build buzz, though. Totally. It's at thrift shops and you're just throwing them places. We didn't release it on DVD for three months after the tapes came out. Yeah. And that film got, I think you got, like, didn't you get, like.

New York Times covered it. New York Times. Yeah, but you also got international coverage of that movie. Yeah, but we played a lot of film. I mean, like, the last couple years have been pretty good for the movie stuff. So, WNUF was, New York Times covered it. I was on NPR National for a show called Here and Now on Halloween. Yeah.

That was the Halloween I actually proposed to Melissa. Holy shit. Best Halloween ever. Yeah. That's a story for you. We're out of time. No, I'm just kidding. But I will keep it quick, though.

Like, Melissa and- No, no, no. Tell it, man. No, no, no. Hold on. Oh, go ahead. Well, I thought you were going to say something. We can get that story, but weren't you going to finish?

Oh, I mean, like, just WNUf did really well because it was like this really crazy concept and like i mean the thing that's weird about it is you know i i i'm gonna obviously i'm making a new movie right now i've got another one that's like like like talking to financers right now and it's like um it's weird because i feel like wf is always gonna be that sort of hallmark movie for me yeah because halloween happens every year and people have certain movies that sort of, that appear in their rotation. They watch them every year, especially as horror fans.

And every, every October, people always tell me like, oh, you're on my list of must watch movies this season. Oh, that's awesome. That's fucking awesome.

I mean, it's, we made the movie at this point, was it four years ago? And I still go to screenings every October of that. Whereas the other movies, I don't really go to screenings. That's crazy,

dude. It has a cool kind of like kitsch factor to it totally well and it's relatable because i think everybody growing up had tapes like that you know what i mean or like their grandparents had tapes or they would show you something in the like i remember uh what my grandma recorded like old spider-man episodes for me yeah and it had all the commercials in and stuff and you're like that's what. Pepper looked like in the 80s. You know what I mean? Well, the commercials are, and I think sometimes the commercials

are better than the shows. Right. And then some people, when they watch WNUF, they're like, it's good, but I wish there weren't as much commercials. And I'm like,

well, asshole, like when you watch TV. Yeah, you're missing the point. And I had more fun probably making the, I mean, I like making the movie, but I had more fun probably making the commercials. Yeah, I think I remember I helped,

I mean, none of mine go along, but I helped write some of the commercials yeah yeah yeah and then the way you approached that was I had a ton of b-roll that like was from that era that I could use because of like rights clearances and whatnot and like we sat around we were like all right well we could do a commercial about like you know like a petting zoo we could do a commercial about like a pet store we could commercial about one there's like a local family-owned grocery store just like weird bring your pet like you know like a sci-fi tv show i know when you see the movie um yeah you'll check it out i think the cool thing about you dude is like you do really awesome stuff but you stay local do you know what i mean like well i can't really afford to do anyway dude if you wanted to you could fucking i mean like in the b-side horror movie world you're

like it's weird that you're like uh he's like a fucking celebrity and like i know you're humble and you won't say but you fucking are you know and you could fucking like people that know horror especially oh yeah like dude he sold out the alamo draft house in austin that's sick for his movie premiere for call girl cthulhu like that's nuts that is huge it was no it was uh it's been it's been a good run i that wasn't the premiere that was the uh that was the uh sorry not the premiere but you screened it was screening in austin that's still fucking insane no it's super's super cool. Now I gotta edit. Umar said it, not me. Umar's just the big fuck up today.

It was a premiere for Austin. That's true, yeah. Get the fuck out of here, dick. I'm a little tipsy. But I was gonna say, it's been a really cool experience. Honestly, for me, I don't know if I really care about graduating to a different level of film as more as i like just making stuff that people like resonate with yeah joy but i think yeah and also it's kind of cool that like i think like cthulhu like that one was more like uh kind of right down

the middle like horror film and then like i think when you were talking about wnuf when you were doing that film that was sort of like oh we're gonna do this thing as well it was kind of like not really like a passion project

but it was like oh this is more fun a little silly and that's the thing that catches on kind of organically totally well the thing is funny

is that I do believe there is comedy in Call Girl Cthulhu I would say it's a horror comedy but the thing is all your movies I think have comedy but with Call Girl

it was weird it was like a lot of people don't like mixing like hp lovecraft stuff with comedy like oh really carefully yeah like so it's like oh so well because they take it like the lovecraft stuff really seriously which is very odd um keep the lovecraft out of my heart um but yeah so like i don't i don't know it. Keep my mom out of her basement where I live. Put that on a hat for you. I'd pay rent. Hey, come on, man.

Don't talk about John Bennett that way. Jesus Christ. The man is married. Yeah, he is. He just got married. Yeah, and he lives with his mom. No, I'm just kidding. No, he doesn't.

No, he doesn't. I'm totally kidding. It is. You know. No, but I was going to tell the story about Halloween. It's really funny. Yeah, and he lives with his mom. No, I'm just kidding. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. I'm totally kidding. It's a tough economy. It is, you know. No, but I was going to tell the story about Halloween. It's really funny. Yeah, I know. So I met my wife. You're a real jerk.

I met my wife, Melissa. She was the call girl of Cthulhu. So that's how we met. Yeah, she was the lead in your movie. Yeah, I auditioned for it. To be your wife. Well, I forgot about that that yeah yeah it was you and then also nick oldershaw yeah a couple other folks yeah um and it's really funny dude we didn't even we weren't we weren't really sure who we're gonna go with until this is i'm totally going on a different story now yeah we'll come back we had

an interview with this um this intern or he to be our production assistant. So really low on the production totem pole. This guy, Dave Carollo. And we sort of looked at... From the Foo Fighters, yeah. And we looked at Dave and we were like, can you... Jimmy and I sort of looked... Because the character, the lead actor in Call Girl

is this sort of loser virgin character. You know, perfect. No wonder that La Martina was like, dude, you're a shoe-in. You're perfect. Dude, only if you had your braces back then, you would have totally got the part. Damn it. God damn it.

We got them earlier. So this guy, Davis, comes in for a production assistant job for the movie. And Jimmy George, my producer, and I, we looked at each other and were like, hey, can you act? Oh, my God. And he's like, yeah, I guess I could. And he actually knocked it out of the park. And I was like, dude, you're the desperate version we're looking for whoa see i was too cool in the audition yeah you were he was i mean we looked at you and we're like yeah i don't know dude he can probably you

know crush some yeah i did say that when i came in yeah this dude can crush some dick you know i bet that guy can swallow a loaf of fun. Not editing. But yeah, no, Melissa and I, it's really funny. We weren't together when I cast her in the role. And then probably a couple weeks into shooting, we started casually seeing each other. And then we just fell in love with each other. So you met her, you didn't know her prior to her audition? No, and this is actually very odd, believe it or not.

I feel like the scene in Baltimore isimore is like actors and filmmakers all stuff you know you should really know a lot of folks yeah yeah it's so small i had known melissa like i'd seen maybe her photo on facebook i mean that's a cute girl but like i'm you know you know whatever um and um but so like when she auditioned i was i was yeah yeah i was like this is how i'm gonna get her she's like one of those girls you're like she's cute we have mutual we don't remember

she has mutual friend friend requests yeah you know I'm gonna our anniversary is Wednesday I'm totally just gonna tell her I'm just totally gonna tell her

that I made Call Girl just to meet her yeah right she's gonna listen to this podcast just look over me and roll her eyes yeah you'd be perfect

for the role of melissa melissa the movie she should she should be our next guest just like we had jessica and aaron hinken and like yeah that'd be yeah oh my gosh dude that'd be that's yeah that's great that's awesome um but anyway so like you know um so we fell in love pretty pretty quickly i mean i felt really hard for melissa and like one of the things was really interesting we were you know we were talking about halloween she's like oh well you being the horror guy you know what is your halloween like and i So we fell in love pretty quickly. I mean, I felt really hard for Melissa. And one of the things that was really interesting, we were talking about Halloween. She's like, oh, well, you being the horror guy, what is your Halloween like?

And I told her, honestly, dude, Halloween is always the biggest letdown for me because I hype it up. Because I'm like, it's got to be perfect. I got to be something really cool. Because you still have that kid mentality towards Halloween. Oh, dude, without a doubt. And I mean, November 1st is the saddest day of the year.

You know? Aw. It's like, oh, man. It's all over now, right? Thanksgiving, my dick. There's nothing to be thankful for. day of the year you know it's like oh man like it's like all over now right thanksgiving my how sad was the first november of last year for you crazy oh dude um i still felt like i was like there was some sort like someone had to put like acid in my one of my beers yeah i was like there's no way don trump is president yeah and i remember that dude that night was so sad when um the election uh last year is because i was with you oh my god dude and we were all having tiki drinks because tiki tuesday at um

penequil right yeah yeah and we were bombed i think everybody was yeah because we thought we were gonna have a female president yeah dude karen and i had the same thing yeah she was in dc and it's like we'll come up after work we'll go to the bar we'll celebrate the end of the world ha ha ha ha and then we're like oh i yeah i literally uh like i remember i texted my friend i was like dude let's go out for drinks yeah like because it's gonna be so fun we all get to celebrate the first female president together and then you cut to like uh me and chris and all of us it's just me and a bunch of white people uh at pen and quail and we are this is when it's like pretty clear that uh he's gonna win started early it was like 9 30 and we're like oh and it was pretty clear he was gonna win and like

no like the deafening silence in the room and i and i just i was trying to break the tension do you remember this yeah and you said something like what do you guys have to worry about like yeah i was like what do you guys sad about i'm the one who has something to worry i. Yeah, I was like, what are you guys sad about? I'm the one who has something to worry. I'm the one who has the most to lose in the room. And no one thought that was funny except for us. Oh, buddy. I was just injecting insulin in my arm like, accept my health care.

And then also, there's women in the room. I didn't think what I was saying. It was a joke. But dude, that was... Anyway. But anyway, no. So Melissa was like, I told her I was saying. Yeah, it was a joke. But dude, that was... Anyway. But anyway, no. So Melissa was like... I told her it was always a letdown

because Halloween is like... I hype it up so much and it never leaves up my expectations. She's like, well, I'm going to make sure this Halloween is the best Halloween ever. So she made plans. We could start dating

and maybe like officially dating probably like late April around then. So this was October after we started dating. And she April around then and so this was the October of after we started dating and she made plans to go to this thing in Sleepy Hollow

and it was the it's called The Great Jack-O-Lantern Blaze and the town of Sleepy Hollow like where Washington Irving wrote Legend of Sleepy Hollow All smoke pot out of a jack-o-lantern

Blaze that lantern Blaze it And we all ride horses fucked up You just sounded like Miss Cuyo. It's Sleepy Hollow Boy. Jesus Christ. So, but it's the largest display of pumpkins, I believe, in the United States, maybe in

the world, where it's like they all make the crazy carved pumpkins. They make these huge displays of like, you know, like a spider web made of carved pumpkins or like a crazy Chinese dragon made of carved pumpkins. Oh, cool. So, she made plans to take us up there. And then like I was like, all right, cool. That's awesome. And I sort of had this moment.

I was like, you know what? Like, and I said this as part of my battle story. I was like, you know, it's always, I always thought it was sort of bullshit when people say that like, you know, like, you know, you find that person and you'll know that's who you want to spend the rest of your life with. But I really felt that way about Melissa. And I was like, I'm going to propose to her. Yeah. So, cause she had made this really special thing.

And then I was like, yeah, we should do this. So what ended up happening was we drove up to, um, Jersey on the way, like, like pass through Jersey to have lunch with a friend of ours.

And then we listened to my radio on the radio in, cause it was national show. So that was super awesome. Listening to my voice. I'm like the, like the, you know, just hearing my own voice.

Oh, you don't even know. I listen to our podcast every week. It's so gross. You just think, God damn, I'm funny. I'm like, yo, Josh and I knocked this one out the park. I shouldn't have said that. Yeah, I know. He has a running tally.

It's like when prisoners mark all the days they've been in jail. Shit I shouldn't have said. It's all on his dashboard, his car. So we drove up and like went to the Blaze and the funny thing is like, I mean,

I'll truncate this story very quickly. I proposed to her and obviously she said yes and then we had a great time walking around there. And you like carved a ring out of a pumpkin.

Yeah. No, but didn't you hide, I remember this, it's a good story. Go for it. I don't know. The place to tell stories of a pumpkin. No, but didn't you hide... I remember this. It's a good story. Go for it. I don't know. The place to tell stories is a podcast. That's true. First you tell me I should laugh on this comedy podcast. I was like, okay, that's fair. I've been covering

my mouth for half the night. But no, so we go up there and I have the ring, but I'm so fucking terrified because this ring is worth way more than my life and I'm like, all right, so like,

how am I gonna put this? I can't fit this in my pocket. I don't want to just have it in my hoodie. So I brought it in this fucking, my backpack, my messenger bags

were walking through and as Melissa tells the story, she's always like, why is Chris bringing his messenger bag on this thing? I guess like, I guess diabetes stuff.

That is such a good explanation. A 10 gallon bag of insulin or something you know just in case there's a nuclear apocalypse and i need stuff so um so we go on this door and the only thing that's sort of weird was like it's raining and i was like i'm already stressed because oh my god all the jack-o'-lanterns are gonna go out because the rain like fuck like my whole plan's gonna be thwarted and then like there's tons of people and it's slow and i'm like oh my god i'm gonna i'm not gonna be able to do this or not people are talking about space finally like we get a little bit of clearing and then i see this this i'm like okay there's this of people and it's slow and I'm like, oh my god, I'm not going to be able to do this. Or people are going to be out of space. Finally, we get a little bit of a clearing.

And then I see this, I'm like, okay, there's this big spider web shape with these jack-o'-lanterns. All right, now's the time. So early on in our relationship, Melissa and I got, when we were shooting Call of Cthulhu, there were these cute little groundhogs that were roaming around the motel set where we had. And we started joking about it, how cute they were. And then Melissa wrote me this little card of two ground groundhogs kissing and that's where it became our thing so i bought her a little stuffed animal of a groundhog and we would leave each other gifts on the groundhog yeah so that was also my messenger bag so she's looking at the pumpkins

and she's like taking pictures like that and i like get down and i put the groundhog down and i put the the ring down i'm like hey melissa what uh do you see that um do you see like the groundhog she's like oh that's weird somebody lost your groundhog with looks like our groundhog and that sort of clicks in and then she gets then she like looks down there and i get on one knee like classic style and proposed to her and it was really interesting because it's very intimate moment but no one really gave a shit around us like no everyone was miserable because of the rain yeah and it was kind of perfect yeah because of that like yeah and then we ended up like we hung out there for a little bit then we went to a um this is really fucking funny we went to um we went to this like

really shitty karaoke bar um in in like close to our um terrytown and um it was like we walked in and william shatner was like singing like um i don't know. Wait, William Shatner? No, like a character dressed, like someone dressed up as Captain Kirk. I like Chris. He's like, oh, so shitty. I thought somebody was doing one of his songs because he covers songs as well.

Oh, yeah. He does like the Leonard Nimoy thing? Yeah, like Rocketman and stuff. Oh, okay, okay. But no, I should have clarified that. It was like somebody dressed up as William Shatner's Captain Kirk. Yeah. And they were singing like, you know, like, I don't know, like something Man and stuff. Oh, okay, okay. But no, I should have clarified that. It was like somebody dressed up as William Shatner's Captain Kirk. Yeah.

And they were singing like, you know, like, I don't know, like, something like Colleen Sanders, like, love is kind of crazy for a spooky little girl. And then we looked over and there's like, you know, like, there's the Adams family sitting in the corner. And it was just like, it was just like a great captain, just like this weird evening. Gotcha, gotcha. But yeah. Why was he dressed as that?

Oh, Halloween. Okay. I thought it was like a weird karaoke thing that's awesome man yeah it was fun it was a good kickoff

to a wonderful marriage oh very sweet yeah and you guys bought a house we did we bought a house in Hamilton I guess

not this past May but two Mays ago nice man that's great dude we turned our shed into a tiki bar Josh you gotta come over I would like to

oh my god it's so fucking awesome you guys project movies I've never been invited but i've seen pictures oh you've never been invited to a movie night no it's okay all right we'll make sure dude yeah yeah i'll be there sunday well we're gonna see what the christmas card is this year and see who it's addressed to and then i think like josh and josh and i'm josh bought this house and we moved in it was like either the first or second month but it was like december yeah uh yeah last november i bought the house and we moved in like december no november i bought it and then we moved in like maybe like mid-november

and i get a card from chris and melissa and i was only addressed to me i'm like you're already sending it. We're going to make sure to address it to both of you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I won't be living here, though. Oh, yeah, I will. It's possible. It's possible. We've started the countdown clock, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're moving out. Yeah, it's about time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because Karen got a new job, and she's home more often and stuff. So it's like, we got to get our little Umar out of the nest. It's going to break my heart. Plus, I'm going gonna buy a house soon so my house that's exciting yeah i'm

uh yeah it'll be good anyway so i want to yeah this is probably not interesting not interesting hampton remington yeah so the tiki bar idea was it you guys that were it was like a friend of a friend was saying that somebody wanted to buy griffiths the bar across the street and turn into a tiki place brilliant it was john uh john buchel and um lindsey they live up the street they've been like flirting with that idea for a while they would kill it i mean they're super into tiki culture they're probably our window into it honestly did you know how big that tiki culture is with punk rock people it sounds like a joke no like tiki culture with punk like john uh excuse me um yeah no no excuse the who is the lead singer of the dead kennedys oh jello by afro yeah yeah

he's like a huge into tiki culture also right he dj'd with our first night at tiki if we enter this big tiki festival yeah this, your life is so. What the fuck is this? Yeah, tell them about this vacation you took. Okay, so this is dope. What? So, okay, well, the funny part of this, though. No, dude, punk, like, older punk rock people, like, Tiki culture is, like, made by punk rock people. Like, is it ironic?

Well, new, new, new Tiki culture. New Tiki culture, but it's not ironic at all. But, yeah, I mean, this is like some uh what's his name like margaritaville type jimmy buffett it is it's like yeah it's like jimmy outside the scene yeah it's like jimmy buffett for like descendants fans yeah right well because it's a big thing like surf rock and a lot of punk rock comes out of surf i feel like especially stuff like that can like the surf skate community and like in southern california yeah so like or like bands like agent orange and things like that so like um anyway so well i'll start with saying that i was really excited about going to this kiki festival and then literally on the my god man

like the company i left they were they were idiots and or i shouldn't say that they're fine people um but uh but they basically they like they paid us um no like um they basically just like the situation was that um long story short was i checked my email on my day off um and then like my my i just recently had a new supervisor and he was like um he was like hey chris i know you're on vacation but can you call me tomorrow i'm like i can't really talk tomorrow i'm on vacation what's up i'm literally on a layover halfway to San Diego and also they know that you're on vacation uh I don't know if they did or not that tells you some good but you were taking vacation days yeah but they knew you weren't going to be in the they knew I wasn't in

the office they knew on vacation they know where I was it doesn't matter they knew you were taking vacation right like that you had five days or whatever it was or yeah yeah so so I text the one guy and he's like I can't talk now but you could call this one of the owners so i call the owner who was i was very close with and uh he was like yeah i got some bad news man um we're making some big changes we're gonna have to let you go oh and i sort of stopped i'm like dude you know i'm on vacation right i'm literally in an airport like and like you know i walk back to belissa who has like you know margaritas at the airport bar and like we're like we're like you know we definitely uh you know i walk back to belissa who has like you know margaritas at the airport farm and like we're like we're like you know we definitely uh you know i didn't think crying

at an airport was one of those things i'd ever had to do but uh that was fun and and then for the trip it was like all right like i mean i was on still on east coast time so i was waking up at 4 a.m every day first of all usually hung over but like like like like figuring out my resume like sending applying to jobs like on vacation. But it doesn't matter now because I have a job again, but like, Still though. I was gonna say,

like, so let me go to Tiki Oasis because that, whatever, but the first, we get there, we get all dolled up, we go to this Tiki Bar,

it's their kickoff event, and the, Jello Biafra, like, my favorite, like, singer of all time, punk singer at least,

he's DJing the event, and I get to talk to him, and it's like, dude, he's like, I remember sneaking i remember sneaking out like like i told him i was like i remember sneaking out of like my house in high school to see you speak like right before the lead up to the iraq war and he's like oh yeah and he's like i'm not gonna do the voice because i'll just sound like the b-52s guy but like you know it's just really cool talking to him and then like later that week we saw him again we talked to him more the turnout was fred schneider yeah okay sure hey chris come on in uh but um but it was really cool this whole event it's like you know they do things where like they give you

like like they do like i think it's called like the sip and shop or like they all the vendors give you um free drinks as you shop from them for like yeah it's like you know it's like you know hawaiian shirts they're selling or like records or like you know tiki totems or jewelry it's all this cool stuff they have all the band it's just tons of surf exotic and lounge bands and every band is paired with two go-go dancers at all time that's cool and then the craziest thing though was like they do these room parties where they rent out suites move out all the furniture a different tiki bar from around the country will run the bar yeah and they'll have like you know like i'm literally legitimately free drinks and then you just have the tip oh and then and they'll have bands in these rooms so it's like imagine like

it's like a tiki festival probably like about a little bit bigger than this room for the suite but like um it's like uh a band a fucking bar and 50 people so and it's like crazy but it's so much fun and you're just like i mean dude and that's what's crazy i brought up agent orange earlier agent orange played one of the room parties whoa like that's insane that is awesome we had a great time i didn't know they were together still yeah yeah i think they still i don't know i don't know if they're writing new material or not i'm not sure yeah i was just talking about that like uh uh let's do the tiki festival yeah well just like how you know like sell out like remember when you were young this is funny funny. So, like, Chris and I, we became friends, like, four years ago.

And I, like, I was just got through this. I went through a terrible breakup. Chris went through, like, a breakup recently. And so, like, that's how we connected. And then. Broken heart boys. Yeah, broken heart boys. Maybe one half of our broken heart will fill in my whole heart.

And we would just meet up for lunch, like, at our jobs. Just, like, crying to your seat yeah we'd go to common ground but and uh you know because i think like if you meet me you wouldn't know that i listened to like uh like pop punk punk rock and stuff so he gets in my car and the first song that comes on is descendants and he looked at me he's like did you put that on just because i'm in here and i'm like no like i don't fucking know what you listen to yeah and then like no effects came on and and then and then so i think like we both realized that you know we liked a lot of the same bands and so uh yeah that was cool man that was cool i forgot i had a story for that but i don't remember oh sellout culture like it's just funny

like uh well i remember being young and like, oh, that band's a sellout. And that used to be a thing where bands would not sign to major labels because they didn't want to be sellouts. But how many bands do you think are 65? They're like, I really wish I had health care. There must be a lot of older punk bands. You know what? I'm going to put on a sleeveless, leather studded vest one more time.

And play Tiki Fest. I think it's interesting too. I mean, like I'm always fascinated by. Papa Bear needs healthcare. Artists that people know how they really make their living. And it's, it seems really shitty when I ask it,

but like when I know someone who's an artist and I know they're not making a living off being like a comedian or a filmmaker, I'm like, you know, seriously, like how do you pay your bills? And like, sometimes it seems like a rude thing to ask but like dude i work in an agency you know so it's like yeah it's one of those things where it's like these horror movies don't like

they're not they don't pay my mortgage i mean they've done no things for me but it's like it's it's it's cool to like just i mean it's crazy too so many filmmakers i know that i thought were next level than me still have full-time jobs yeah you also have to be smart because maybe you could do it maybe they could do it, but then also you're not set up, like it sounds lame, but to retire or like what you're talking about. Yeah, dude.

You could do that stuff and probably like scrape by and be happy, but then when you're like 45 and you're like, yeah, you could scrape by being like a feature comedian at clubs. Sure, sure. Yeah, you're like maybe like let's year you're making like 40 grand which if you live in baltimore city that's enough to live off of an apartment but you're not saving for a future no yeah you don't have health insurance or like good health you don't have retirement

or anything i'm such a yuppie that way now i'm like well what are they gonna do when they're 50 all the time that's all i think about but people don't realize like you're old most of your life oh yeah you know what i mean like if you like like i will be able to retire at like 57 yeah that's cool that's cool yeah i'll fucking that's like think about that like if i stop working at 57 that you if you don't like the average like age expected like that's another almost 30 years. I think I could retire pretty early too because with the government, I think. It's 30. You just put in 30 years.

Yeah. It might be less. I don't know. But yeah. When did you start the job? Like eight years ago. Dude, that's dope. Yeah.

So you're young as shit. So you can retire early. So 22 years. Yeah. So I'd be 53. 53. Yeah. Think about like.

Think how much stuff you're going to do then. That's awesome. I know. So like. You can start touring hardcore then yeah wow yeah i'm gonna be young people love the peppers yeah but yeah i think like when people and i'd stress that a lot like if you're trying to get into like comedy or anything in show business music or filmmaking like just kill yourself kill yeah kill yourself but right but also if you don't do that set up for the future like i've heard other people say like well i didn't have a backup plan because then like you fall back you fall back on it it's like no dude like i fucking went through grad school i still did comedy yeah you have to hustle but

then there's so many comedians you see like at the open mic level where they're like oh got a four-year degree but i want to do comedy so i'm just gonna work this fucking waiter job and it's like safe for that like sure maybe go for it but the the risk reward like it's high reward possibly but very but i think like me and you i think we have we get more opportunities because we have money yeah and we have like pts like opportunities because we have money and we have like, flexibility, paid days, paid time off.

We can like, when you have a job, that's the running theme through the podcast now, by the way. I don't know if you, I know it is a huge running theme. It's just a new one

on our yuppie trash. Yeah. Oh dude, I think it's great. Is it beer eight dollars? I'll get two. I don't care. Well,

I mean, I was going to say too, it's like, you talk about like, you know, taking off days and do things. It's like,

no, you pay yourself twice, dude. If you're getting paid for an off day and then you going to say, too, you talk about, like, you know, taking off days and new things. It's like, no, you pay yourself twice, dude. If you're getting paid for an off day and then you get to a paid gig, it's like, poor. Dude, when I, yeah, I was featuring a weekend in Cleveland. The whole time I was there,

I was getting paid, like, by my job here. Yeah. Right? Not the whole time. Sorry. Saturday and Sunday. Sorry, the Thursday, Friday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was being paid. Yeah. Like, the whole work week. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm being paid. I took a day off. I'm not missing, like, if I was, like, a waiter and I took a day off to do that, you're not being being paid. Yeah. Like the whole work week. Oh, yeah. Like I'm being paid. I took a day off. I'm not missing.

Like if I was like a waiter and I took a day off to do that, you're not being fucking paid. You're losing $200, $300 a night on a Friday. Yeah. Like it's stupid. I don't know. The flexibility is crazy. But yeah, I mean, I have a friend that's on Epitaph Records and their band does really well. Holy shit.

But yeah, it's kind of, it's like, well, what are you going to do when that's done? And he's like, I don't know, probably just work for my dad. But like he kind of knows that that well what are you going to do when that's done he's like I don't know probably just work for my dad but like he kind of knows that's not something he can do forever

yeah no it's funny too I have friends that are in similar situations where they have jobs that are lenient enough

that let them tour a couple months or they let them tour Europe or something but a lot of those times it's like a very

I mean dude most places won't let you do that no definitely not and then I'm trying to think

too the singer or the bassist for the Lawrence he's a copywriter at someago agency really yeah he's the guy that did the nihilist arby's uh twitter account that's hilarious that's cool that's cool it's also kind of like why not you have the time to like work part-time at least you know what i mean i don't know and i also think there's something like it's really cool when you work with something

that sort of feeds your your not in creativity but sort of like feeds the just the imagination you know there's things that i write in the horror movies that can transcend into the agency stuff or vice versa they're like yeah oh that was kind of a cool campaign i wonder if i put that a horror lens on that could that be turning right now right right right you know and and i feel like you know i think with with what you do yeah interesting you're always having material school's psychology gives you material and also like cubicle life you know you're pursuing comedy it's a very narcissistic thing to have a job where you it's all about someone else is nice it's a good balance yeah you go you worry about your kids and then you come home and just like all right well let's just uh let's inflate my ego a

little bit a little bit yeah yeah but no it gives you time. And then that gives you source material. I'm actually working on a show about working in cubicle life. I'm going to call it The Office. What do you guys think of that? Oh, that's good. Nice. Yeah. And then you'll sell it to the BBC?

No. No? What the fuck are you talking about? Okay. Never mind. I was trying to. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. no oh what are you talking about okay nevermind oh okay okay yeah well and then well just one more thing like the people who do this is probably really boring

for most people well fuck it i don't think so i think uh people don't realize like and i can only speak for comedy but uh like if you look at a lot of comedians right now that are big that quote unquote made it like comedians that we know like aziz or nick kroll or pete holmes or uh fuck whatever like they have they come from wealthy background like nick kroll's dad is literally a multi-millionaire yeah aziz ansari's father is a fucking doctor um pete holmes like the whole time he was doing comedy his he was staying at home doing open mics while his like wife supported him and then his parents would help him out finding like he said this on his podcast so like to have this notion that like oh i don't want a fallback plan yeah but those kids those people while they were kids like our age supplementary they they it's easy to pursue

uh an artistic endeavor knowing that like if you fuck up you're not going to be homeless no totally do you know what i mean like so like people should let go of that whole uh all or nothing all or nothing thing i think it's stupid and yes there's a lot of people who've made it where isn't all another thing because when you actually don't have something to lose, then it's like whatever. But it's still super risky. It's so risky. And the probability of that paying off is insanely small. Oh, yeah.

And I think the deeper you get into the game, I think we all had crazy dreams. And then you move on up and the more success you get and you just you're like oh yeah this is cool and this is fun maybe it gets me some additional income and then you're like but fuck like there the chances of me leaving this day gig uh and like quote unquote making it or becoming famous is so slim it's like non-existent almost yeah yeah and then it's almost dumb to do that you know i'm quitting my job. I'm going to New York where there's already

a fuck ton of comedians trying to do the same thing. Well, and what's even interesting about that too now in every artistic field, it's not even just about saturation at your level. Yeah.

It's the fact that there's so saturation at every level that people that are probably three tiers above you are going down to tier two and tier one. Dude, you're right.

Dude, people that like I fucking watched on comedy central and conan and they fucking they've slept on our couch oh yeah yeah it's great and done my show a basement show in a pizza restaurant not to take anything away from them but yeah you're right but yeah no you like you see it's like especially as you kind of move up like what you were saying you're like oh people that i thought were like here you're like oh i'm kind of at the same level really like dude it's crazy too like when we were like i was like pitching shows to like like amc shutter thing and it's sort of like you know there's folks that they're they're developing that are like i thought

they were way out of like the scope of like being at the same level as me you know yeah you know so yeah you realize too like everybody's pretty close to your orbit like once you get into it like you're like oh like you even if you're doing like doing a show with greg fitzsimmons somewhere like it not you're not at the same level but it's like all these people are close enough yeah they're like one person removed from you yeah totally you're yeah you're on a show with that person yeah it's not that far i mean obviously like he makes a lot of money yes and it's a ton of work and all that stuff but it is like it's not all the realm of possibility but then you get older and realistic and you know yeah that's good stuff but that said you can still make great stuff that's true and that said do you

have any uh what's your next project okay so i got two things that are working on right now so one is in editing it's called what happens next will scare you it's a uh social satire about clickbait culture basically the conceit of the story is that uh all these folks that worked for this like buzzfeed type office or i love that because that's every title it's like a cat got hungry and you won't believe what happens yeah but it's uh basically it's halloween night and they're um writing their like top 10 scariest viral videos list and an early entry into the things they watch is a cursed record that brings back evil spirits so all the monsters from the various viral videos come into the world. Oh.

So that's that. And then this other project I'm working on is a documentary, but I can't really talk about it yet because it's not fully formed. But yeah. Cool, man. Yeah. So that's probably the next two years of my life. Yeah. So.

Always stay busy, man. I'm really impressed. Oh, my God, dude. Because you had a comic book thing, too. Yeah. We put out a comic book. It's called Burial Plots. And I'm trying to think about the best way to show that.

I sell copies myself, but also we're going to set up a digital storefront soon. So I'll let you know when that happens. But yeah. Awesome, man. And then was there a gig happening on the 26th? So Thursday, October 26th, if this is up in time, we're doing a live Halloween radio show on WTMD in Towson. My wife, Melissa, has a horror host character,

Aurora Goriales. Nice. And she hosts a thing called Shocktail Hour, where she hosts horror movies at Golden West every second Tuesday of the month. Yeah, right down the street from here. Exactly. And she's hosting this event.

So bands are doing Halloween-themed covers, so scary, spooky, Halloween novelty songs. We're going to do two live radio plays, one of which that Umar did punch up on was The Legend of the Headless Hipster very nice and the other one is a classic retelling

of the Monkey's Paw and then we're actually ending the whole night with a live seance to contact the spirit of the guy that developed

the Ouija board oh yeah that's this Thursday this Thursday cool I'll be there dude fuck yeah dude hell yeah

well guys thank you so much thank you where can people find you online is there a website just find me on Facebook just like just look up know just look up chris lamartina and then also insta i think it's instagram.com slash uh just chris lamartina there might be a dot in there if you find if you

search wf following special on those you'll you'll find it or can they you can order your shit on like amazon and stuff right yeah you can order um uh wf and call girl or and which is brewing and presents they're all on amazon if you want to me money, you can contact me and see if I have copies. Yeah, contact Chris directly because that way he gets money. Yeah, fuck distributors. Yeah, whatever. That said, if there's a distributor out there that would like to... No.

Umar, you want to plug your stuff? Gin and Jokes, November 2nd. My good buddy and hilarious comedian Liz Mealy is headlining uh i met her when we were opening up for harry kondabolu at creative alliance and we just become friends and she's dope yeah she's so that's november 2nd yeah she's uh yeah she's been on this podcast yeah maybe we should go with her when she's down here we could do that again yeah we talked to surprise surprise i think we talked a lot about her childhood and like mental issues. Hell yeah.

It was a fun one. Yeah, let's see. The 26th, I'll be in D.C. I'll be at the Beer Baron. It's a Halloween theme show. We're all dressing up and doing stand up. Are you doing it as a character? No.

Which, yeah, which kind of makes it, I did it once and I dressed as Beetlejuice, but I just did my material. So it's like kind of weird. Just Beetlejuice talking about black people he works with? Yeah, pretty much. Oh my God. And then, yeah, and then everybody else's costumes are so much more low-key. Like Jamel's was, he was just black Steve Jobs. So it was just him with a turtleneck on. It's like, oh's that's way so i got invited

to a bunch of halloween parties and i hate dressing up so i do need a low-key cast what's like a good low-key costume so karen wants to do uh um she wants to do like a couple's costume where she's gonna dress up like the hamburglar and i'm gonna just have a burger on so that'll be fun like i can stand up with like a big stand up with a big burger. What would be a good costume for Hugh? Hmm. Dude, why don't you go as Umar Koppas?

Oh, that's kind of lame though, right? Umar Koppas. Umark. Umark Koppas. No one would get it. You'd explain it. Those are the best

costumes. Are you a Star Trek fan at all? No. Because you could be the wrath of Umar Koppas? Yeah. That would be good. Yeah, that best costumes. Are you a Star Trek fan at all? Nope. Because you can be the wrath of Umar Khan. Yeah, that would be good. Yeah, that's funny.

Let's see. And then the 28th I'm doing two gigs. I'll be at the Arlington Draft House at 2 p.m. for a show. And then that night I'll be at the Williamsburg Comedy Club in West Virginia at 8 o'clock with Matt Bergman. So that'll be fun.

And my band's playing a show at Metro Gallery on the 11th. Yeah. Oh, I have a... Well, I might not. Never mind. Well, okay. Good save.

Playing it close to the vest there. But yeah, Chris, thanks for stopping by. Yeah, man. It was so fun. Thank you, everybody, for listening. And David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions!, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah