The Digression Sessions - Ep. 235 - Josh & Umar Solo

Episode Date: November 30, 2017

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are joined by each other in the warm embrace of the podcast. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. We had Louie. We were in talks to do the Degression Sessions movie with the Weinstein Company, which was bad. Yeah. And then Kevin Spacey was going to be one of the... He was going to play your father. He was, actually, which was weird. Yeah. And then we're like, all right, let's scrap those.

Right. Then we got Al Franken. Yeah, who actually was going to play your dad, which is going to be a weird turn. And then that fell through, and it's like, well, we got to do something about this. We got to legislate against this. Let's go support a good candidate in Alabama, Roy Moore. I know.

He was going to be a guest. And then we were like... And he still is. Roy? Hey, we are giving him our... What is that called? Bid? Yep, we're giving him our bid.

No, what is that called? You support... We're throwing our support. The Degressant Sessions, we are supporting Roy Moore. Oh, totally. I mean, you can pedophile this one under support. And then we were like, okay, let's just get a squeaky

clean guy. We thought Charlie Rose would have been a great journalistic integrity. Great guy. And we still do. And he's here in his robe. What's up, Charlie? Great, you know, journalistic integrity. Great guy. And we still do. Yeah. And he's here in his robe. What's up, Charlie?

Sun's out, dicks out, right? Charles? Charles? Yeah. So it's just a bad run of bookings for us, mostly. I know. Yeah. So we're like this liberal media.

I know. They're ruining the podcast. And then people are like, well, have you tried getting a woman on the pod? And we're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no no no no we stopped after we stopped laughing for about 10 minutes straight oh you're you serious i'm still laughing are you serious yeah we thought about lena dunham but and never never god yeah what a run of people i know it's just like a game of like who's losing their job next. Yeah. So combined with all the sexual harassment, accused guests, plus the holidays, it's been tough.

It's been just tough. Yeah, dude. It's really weird. What? All the people going down? Yeah. I guess like everyone's talked about it enough. I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. like everyone's talked about it enough i don't know yeah yeah i mean it's it's just it uh makes sense that uh everybody like i'm sure this of course this stuff hasn't gone on for so long that it's finally that people are coming out they're like oh yeah also this guy's a piece of shit also this guy this guy this guy so it is uh but like the head of like one of the like head editors of npr oh really yeah yeah? Yeah. He lost his job. Good. I mean, yeah, they all should.

Oh, yeah. I mean, good. Yeah, no, I don't feel bad for anybody. I heard, I was listening to another podcast today, and they were talking about seeing Louis' movie, Daddy, I Love You. This guy, Patrick Walsh. He got to see it? Yeah.

So a buddy of his, i think he got like an advanced screener before everything went down so they had a they had a like a viewing party and everybody watched it and they're like oh my god he said that his joke was uh he was like yeah if uh if there was anything if this was actually going to trial they should just name this movie exhibit a i know that's Apparently, it's really bad. Like, there's a bunch of parts where females are telling a male character and sometimes specifically Louis. They're like, it's okay. All guys are perverts.

Guys are perverts, you know? Really? Yeah, yeah. And there's, like, scenes where, like, this young girl is sitting on his lap and stuff and, like. On Louis' lap? Yeah. Well, the whole thing

is i thought it was about his daughter it is yeah so the girl that's playing his daughter is like sitting on his lap but still it's still like a 17 year old sitting on like a grown man's lap yeah yeah yeah and like calls him daddy obviously and then uh there is um like a bunch of time like he plays like this like genius writer so everybody's like you're so great you're amazing you know so it's just all this stuff is just like in hindsight you're like whoa i kind of wish that times article dropped a week after that movie released just so we could see it yeah right well i don't even know if we would have still been able to see it because i think it was still like a new york oh you're right you didn't have a distributor yeah exactly i think

that was the plan was to premiere it and then do that. Yeah, they got like an advanced screener like Jesus Christ. I was working with a headliner. Well, no one gives a shit. I was working with a headliner. Oh, I agree. No one cares. I feel a little bad.

I was telling this guy like I got lunch with him and we, you know, everyone's, no one cannot not talk about. Yeah, specifically comedy, too. Yeah. Real quick, my coworker, Lauren, who's like this older lady who's a little out of touch, but not, I don't know, nice, but, you know, a little goofy. And she came over to my cube. We weren't even talking about it. It wasn't talking about the morning before or anything she just came over and she's like if you don't want to talk about what's going on and you know you don't have to and it's like did you have did you know what you was talking i just

assumed because it was the next day after the louis though it's okay we don't have she's like so you know yeah it's like yeah i i know i went to work and all my coworkers were like, who's Louis? No one at my job knows who Louis C.K. is. Right, right, right. It's so funny. Is he some like new comic? Yeah. They know Bruce Bruce, though.

We were talking about Bruce Bruce and Earthquake today. Earthquake, I was going to say, yeah. Lavelle Crawford, we talked about. Oh, I had a semi... You worked with him? Well, I had a semi. You worked with him? Well, I did a show in D.C. and then we were at the bar afterwards and I thought it was Lavelle Crawford at the bar.

Oh, my God. And just for those who don't know, Lavelle Crawford is a huge black guy. Yeah. Like morbidly obese. And so is this guy. This guy, I'd say he's like 125, 6'2". Oh my God, that's bad.

So I was like, I gotta ask. And I wasn't even like drunk. It wasn't even like bad. I was like, I don't know if it's him. But I was trying to look on his Twitter to see if he was in town. And I was like, I'm sorry, are you Lvelle cry goes nah man but he was like everybody always says i look like some fat black celebrity though oh my but he was cool yeah and i was like no dude he's a comedian and i do comedy so i was just curious he's like oh so like i talked to him for a while

so he wasn't offended and lavelle has a very cone-shaped head. This guy did, too. What? I'm telling you. He was, yeah. Damn. And obviously, he's heard it before. He's like, they always say I look like some fat black celebrity. That's funny.

Yeah. Not my finest moment, but I had to ask. For what? You were saying something? Oh, no, no, no. You were saying that, fuck, the headliner you were working with oh yeah he we got lunch and he um and he was just saying how um i don't know i feel two ways about it like i feel like he did make people's lives miserable and some people lost

i think some people quit show business i think i think in the article they said like louis like after like louis said that to that woman on set that she like just kind of i can't imagine being so wronged by somebody and then seeing that person go on to success and be hailed as like a literal like he was beyond comedian status oh yeah yeah yeah he was like considered like a genius yeah yeah and then also to be regarded as like uh maybe not woke but somebody that's like you know he was doing the right side he was doing bits about how men are the number one um enemy of women or stuff like that like constantly you know yeah and then he wrote that show about how like being a fat woman you know being dating that And then he wrote that show about how like being a fat woman, you know, being dating as a fat woman.

That episode of Louis. That went viral. Yeah. Yeah. And like literally people on the news, like the news networks were talking about it. They interviewed that woman. Yeah. So can you imagine like being basically like.

And no fat girl came out saying that he beat off in front of them. So. Which is not woke. Not woke. Louis discriminates who he harasses sexually. Which honestly is fucked up. And we're here to say it. We don't care who we offend.

Yeah, yeah. In the Louis camp. But yeah, I can't imagine it just being like, that guy fucking wronged me so hard. And everybody's like, wow, he's so, what a genius, huh? Yeah. I mean, it happens. I guess it happens all, I mean, all i mean obviously oh yeah all the time like just heinous sure uh so yeah so what did this guy say oh he was just saying how like louis is he's like not only like is that not surprising

but he's just not like a nice person like he's like rude as shit he's like he has a really bad reputation of just being like smug and um yeah but then the other side of that coin is like when you're that famous like i think you have to put up walls but people who work with him have said that like he just you can tell he like knows he's the shit. Right. And he cares himself that way. And he's always been that way. And also, it's gotta be kind of hard not to. Not to be that, yeah. I mean, Christ, like, you went from, like, broke, you were divorced, you were nothing,

and now you're a fucking millionaire because of shit that you wrote and produced yourself. Like, yeah, it'd be really hard not to trip on your ego on that one. But not making any excuses for the shit that he did with women of course but like yeah when uh when he did big hunt in dc and he came downstairs and was like hey and he just gave me a look of like hello like kind of like fuck off sort of yeah but also like headliner said too he was like if if he doesn't know you he will not talk to but i think i get it i think i get that part that's fine i mean who cares like that's like the least yeah anything like he didn't want to give me specifics though but he was

just like trust me he's not like people like he i guess he knows people who he's worked with and stuff right yeah i have heard that he is standoffish like burt kreischer told a story where i think two of them were doing a show and they were in a van together and so like burt was trying to like make conversation and he was like oh yeah there's uh oh this other comedian you would like them and he was like why would i like them he's like well just because i assume he's like i don't like that or like just kind of like not giving him anything but it's like that's who cares i don't like if the guy's an asshole that's true yeah being an asshole is fine right um but yeah obviously and the other stuff i think he was just

trying to say like he is somebody who probably was very aware what he was doing and just didn't care oh yes like almost sociopathic yeah yeah yeah i was gonna say that's that seems in line with it especially when you look at the movie that came out too where they're just like whoa this is so over the top of like yeah of like he wrote himself as this character he wrote that this girl's gonna sit on his lap he wrote that like women are gonna be like men love her or women love perverts and blah blah we we accept it it's part of life i wonder if he freaked out when his movie was set to release like it was done it was probably edited and everything oh sure the

weinstein thing dropped and he's like oh boy you know i bet he didn't even think like i bet he was probably like nah you know what i mean like if you get to that point where you yeah like the week before he was denying rumors and so that's true that's crazy i think when your ego gets that big and that you are that far gone and plus he was doing it for decades almost yeah you know 2002 was when those the hotel thing happened right right right but then doing shit on the crisp rock show and like lord knows like what the fuck was happening like before that with women that may not have even been in comedy or like did you see what sarah soberman's sister silverman sister tweeted no oh uh she said so they had dated uh laura yeah she's a writer yeah and so she tweeted out that like louis and her went on this cross-country road trip

they had broken up but they still decided to go on the trip they're sharing hotel rooms and he told her like look i'm gonna masturbate every morning and like you can wait outside the door if you want but it's gonna happen every morning and like you can wait outside the door if you want but it's gonna happen every morning and like every morning he would beat off and sometimes she would go stand outside the door and sometimes she would just sit and read a book in the corner and she did say like i'm not a victim and he did tell me and warn me whatever but just like you know yeah he has these compulsions and then i was listening to a podcast and another comic and not when any of the girls who came forward oh no a waitress told him that like this was a long time ago a waitress like before louie

was louie when he was just a club comic yeah like he did it to her i was gonna say what like can you imagine just working at a club too and then like you don't want to be the person that like complains about the headliner you know and then you don't want to be that person at work that's like, God damn, who knows how many people he's done it to. Hey, Kearney. Not enough. You're tied. Yeah.

Oh, can I do this after the podcast? Oh, okay. Well, how was your Thanksgiving? Terrible. I had to spend spent with my girlfriend the whole time i was trying to do a podcast at thanksgiving and she's like can you tie this tie this um no dude it was uh it was a lot of fun went to uh went to karen's parents house in canton nice and uh yeah they made a turkey and ham some type of like crazy potato medley having the second meat is great because i fucking yeah i am not a turkey fan i don't mind turkey it's okay and i only eat it like once a week yeah once a year but like i don't know

appear like it's dry i'm like just put gravy on it yeah that's true i fuck with that cranberry uh we i went to my parents house and i made i spent like all day making pies and uh and fucking nobody ate them really like i ate a piece uh karen and i like well she like ate some of mine my brother ate some umar is dating a karen too oh yeah yeah yeah and then nobody um ate my pie after that but karen made she made a fucking pumpkin cheesecake which is fucking dope yeah gone the whole thing gone everyone ate every last bit people took that shit home damn she made cookies there's this little girl uh at my bar i was called this little girl a bitch she was like oh, pumpkin pie is my favorite. I was like, well, I made some homemade pumpkin pie.

And this girl goes upstairs, goes back with seven cookies on her plate. No pie. Damn. Eats all the cookies, gives one to Ry. Damn. So where are these pies at? I just left them because I didn't want to eat them. I was going to say, I did not see them in the fridge.

No, no, no, no. Yeah, it was a bummer. It was a lot of work. Man. left them because i didn't want to eat them yeah say i did not see them in the fridge no no no yeah it was a bummer a lot of work man so uh you brought your girl at thanksgiving and she just upstaged you i know what and then i was also like high as shit i ate a pot cookie and like oh yeah you text me it was like only her second time meeting my family i'm just stoned out of my mind and she's like i hate you're an idiot yeah so she's like oh okay i'll just fend for myself i started falling asleep she's like umar you cannot fall asleep while i'm here i was like with your entire family yeah i was like let's go home yeah you're right let's get out of here

you should like wake up and hang out i felt like an asshole my uh my brother was there really early helping them with dinner and uh well not like an asshole but he was uh i called and my mom was like oh rio's been here and he's really sick but he's still cooking and i was like what what's wrong with him and she's like oh he has like a headache and he's puked a couple times i was like oh he's sick yeah but my parents don't know the concept of hungover so they thought he was sick they've never drank? No. Man. I think my dad has, but I probably haven't.

I bet your dad has, for sure. My dad definitely, because I used to see him drink with his friends. Right. But I don't think he's ever been hungover. Hmm. Yeah. Not even heard of it ever? Because my dad even was like, I don't know.

I think my dad knew I was high, though, because he called me the next day. And my parents, well, I think they know now because Dylan Meyer told them. Oh, really? Oh, at your show? Yeah, my parents were at his show and Dylan was like, we like weed. And I just go, woo! And I was the only one. He was like, oh, that was Umar.

And my parents in the audience, he's like, your son smokes weed. Yeah, your son smokes pot. And he just cheered for pot. And so I guess they know. They're like, what? Yeah. What? But the next day I was at the gym and my dad called me.

He's like, hey, are you okay? And I'm like, Umar, are you smoking spliff? These are things I need to know. And I was like, yeah, why? He's like, I'm just asking. He's you're you don't feel you feel good i was like yeah dad and then and then not feeling low and then he i was like yeah and i was like i'm at the gym right now i feel good he's like okay good and he just hung up because he kept we he kept looking at me what if he was high too he's like so he's trying to see if i'm cool what's up you holding there i don't think my dad's

ever smoked yeah my mom definitely had a lot of pie left over if we got high i bet we could finish that you know uh yeah uh yeah our uh our dinner was uh yeah it was a lot of fun so it was it was pretty low-key me karen her parents her brother and then her aunt and her uncle uh you met uh ken and yes he's so cool ken was awesome dude also he threw out a nice compliment about my arms which was nice ken was like hey you've been working out that's like oh lord yeah yes i have ken is great what did he say to us at one time he said a lot lot of stuff. He had a lot of gems at Easter. He said something about peeing on shoes. Do you remember that? No, but he asked that.

Oh. Yeah, he did. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's great. Yeah. He said something about women to us. Were you there for that?

Yeah. Yeah. We were walking down the steps. He's like this bearded, like, hippie dude. He's so cool. He's 74 years old, too. He used to teach in like city school somewhere anything in dc and then he like when schools desegregated he moved with his black students

to like the white school yeah like such a cool dude yeah but we were talking about something about dating or women about young women or something like that and he said like uh i bet something if you ask a woman if like after you turn 30 ask a woman uh if you've heard them and i bet they all say yes or something crazy like that yeah yeah yeah yeah like what and it was kind of a non sequitur oh no we weren't even talking we were just yeah we were walking down the steps and you just turn around and said i mean we were all high but yeah yeah yeah no that was towards like the end of the night too and you're like what and then he had something in his pocket what did he pull out of his pocket do you remember

oh a human head yeah uh did he have a knife or something no something really stupid i just remember he had a few gems like he wasn't talking that much but when he did swish every time yeah was it like the same uh kind of well yeah there were less people so we were all just kind of like chatting throughout um the the one the the ca capper was when Karen's aunt ended up on the floor. What? She was just like, she claimed to be like. Ken's wife? Yeah.

She claimed to be just like stretching her back out and then she just ended up on the floor. Was she drunk? I, we, we didn't know what, cause everybody, it was pretty low key. Uh, of course, Karen's dad, uh, had a, had a whole like regimented thing. I was going to ask. I was eating and he's like, do not focus on the food.

We're doing a wine tasting. So finish your wine and then we can all have the next wine. Like, the emphasis isn't on food at Thanksgiving. Next round. Let's go. Did he have like a set of questions?

No, just everybody was like, oh, I like this one. I like this. I'm just unsophisticated. I'm like, tastes like wine.

This is red wine. Yeah, I don't unsophisticated. I'm like, tastes like wine. This is red wine. Yeah, I don't know shit about wine. But yeah, it was a lot of fun. Food was good. Wine was good. Pretty low key. Cool. Yeah, it was nice.

Boo was okay. He was pretty good. I stepped in his shit today. Damn. He bit Karen the other day. My Karen. Yeah, well, Karen was, she was way out of line trying to leave the house. Just leaving the house, yeah.

Yeah, I meant to tell her something like, hey, what's your problem? Damn. But no, I took a shower today, and then getting out of the shower, wasn't in the bathroom, was in the hallway, and I just planted right in this pile of shit in the hallway. God, I used to step in dog shit all the time. In your bare foot? No, not at home. Woo! Don't you remember playing as a kid outside?

This was before people picked up their dog shit because now people think it's a very... I never saw people with doggy bags in my neighborhood when I was young. There's more emphasis on that. Yeah. Yeah, that's the respectable move.

Damn. Yeah. Right out of a shower, too. But, yeah, which is, I was kind of glad it was just my barefoot and not my shoes, because that would have been worse to get out. But, yeah, I was like, man, I'm on a roll, went for a run, worked out, shaved, now I'm all clean, and then boom, right in there. Speaking of stepping

in shit i was in uh philly this past weekend just stepping in shit stepping in dog shit no i uh i was hosting at the punch line which is a cool fucking club they've only been around for a year but it's like part of a live nation gotcha gotcha and then so they have clubs like behind it yeah yeah like san francisco and phoenix and sacramento and shit yeah when i did um what's the other room there the um philly helium helium yeah when i did helium thank you karen um damn when i did helium it was lightly attended because kevin hart was filming a movie there and he was at the punchline all week yes so that's interesting i was gonna bring that up so kevin hart is like one of the biggest comedians in the country and he's from philly and uh so he sold out you know every show obviously because

it only holds it probably holds like 300 people yeah and uh the club lost money that weekend why because like when you get a comic who's that big they get a hundred percent of the door and then they try to make their money off drinks right and uh i guess people just didn't drink damn yeah also when there's that many people it must be fucking tough to get to the bar and shit like that too and yeah but like but if there's a two but yeah aren't there waiters how like there has to be something wrong with your business model i don't know if i should be saying this into the microphone just say allegedly allegedly i love working there though and i really want to work san francisco punchline so it was super fun it's a shame a shame that they lost money yeah that's crazy though

yeah well it depends how much did he just get the door yeah it's pretty common like whenever someone i don't understand how you lose money how do you lose money if there's like because you're paying because they probably had extra staff on deck to pay the people to run the venue you know what i mean? Right. Extra. Yeah, but it's like. Because you're hoping that people drink. And I guess if people don't drink that much, you're not making money.

Don't most restaurants make money off mostly booze? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like way more marked up than food. Right, right, right. Restaurants, I think, actually lose money not on food, but on dessert. So that's why I heard they don't care as much if you eat dessert or not um i read i don't know i read one fucking article about that it's just not like the same market yeah yeah yeah exactly um yeah desserts

i don't really know i'm trying to think i mean i only i worked at alito's and then my dad's restaurant so that's my that's my knowledge. I'm like, how much was the brownie lava cake? But I think Lido's is different because did you guys serve booze? Eventually, yeah. Yeah, but it was like rare. But I think pizza is like something that's marked up. Like you're paying $15 for like dough and tomato sauce and cheese.

And it's delicious. It is. Which brings us to our new sponsor booze pizza is probably way marked up but then if you go to like a nice place and you're getting you know like really nice cuts of fish and meat yeah yeah yeah yeah but i'm just trying to think like how the fuck do you i know what also oh well i'll say that one off mic. Ooh, gossip. Gossip. Yeah, but I was opening up for the... I guess he was a runner-up on America's Got Talent. Oh, my God.

Every fucking time I was ringing up on stage, I was like, don't say American Idol. Don't say American Idol. And I almost said it one time. Really? It's like the weirdest intro, and I had to do it every... That's all he wanted was just say I'm the runner-up. I was like, his name is he has

seen on um america's got talent or oh yeah so you think runner-up doesn't have a good connotation if you're not there to see him i don't think so gotcha well does he do material about it uh maybe he wants it to be framed in a way like i was runner up which you know i think he mentions it briefly but uh because he's a runner-up yeah he's got talent uh it was 13 plus audience oh no also what if that's in the contract with america's got talent they're like you could win a million dollars but if you're in second place anytime you perform you have to mention that you came in second place they pay him whatever yeah uh he to mention that you came in second place. They pay him, whatever. Yeah.

So there's kids. The late shows never had any kids. But the first show, Friday, oh, my God, dude. It was like fucking so many families. There was like a 12-year-old in the audience. To be a grown man entertaining 12-year-olds. So the club, when I got the email from the booker she said 13 plus um so she was like i think she said something along the lines like you know you can cuss but just be wise about it

so i'm thinking like in pg-13 movies you can say like shit and maybe one fuck me i wouldn't even yeah fuck i think like shit and ass and stuff and in my first joke I say both those words you ever shit in an ass you ever shit out an ass you ever shit in an asshole and then you're like fuck anyway your next comedian is the runner up

but then I saw some of the kids I was like and their parents and they just look like their t-shirt just says shit ass. Yeah. But they're just. Giant letters. Like middle America, really sweet, like, you know.

In Philly though? What do you mean? They just look that way? Yeah, they look that way. I think some of them, like somebody came like two hours to see him. Wow. It was like, and I was like, dude, I can't, I don't want to cuss at all. I don't want to be, because I want to come back to the club because it was like and i was like dude i can't i don't want to cuss at all i don't want to

be right i want to come back to the club because it's a job and you don't want anybody to complain well when i got there the the manager super cool dude what's up shaquille and uh o'neal no his name but his name was shaquille someone said uh someone was like yeah his name's shack and uh but i was too scared to call him shack all weekend because we because I don't know if we were that cool. And I was just like, so I kept saying Shaquille. But I wanted to be like, can I call you Shaq? Shaq? I'm Shaq.

Everybody calls him Shaq. Yeah. But he was like, look. He's like, it's Dr. Shaquille. So he said, look, you know, this is a 13 plus show. So you got to keep it clean. And I was like, do you think I can cuss a little bit? And he was like, I don't know.

And I was like, can I mention sex? He was like, I wouldn't. And I was like, there goes my act. Yeah, there goes my act. So it is so weird having to work clean. And I thought I was originally, I thought I was supposed to be featuring, but I found out I'm hosting. And was like usually i'd be upset but i was like thank god yeah because doing 20 minutes oh my god i'd be so pissed i mean maybe you can eventually but i

it's tough to not be in your head because you're constantly in my head the whole time but yeah so then for an extended amount of time you're like god i can't get a rhythm because you don't want to slip up and then also your natural rhythms are to throw in some some naughty words here and there yeah and like and my go-to sometimes like if i think a crowd there's certain jokes where i know a crowd will go up tight and i'm just like fuck you philly and it gets a big pop right and i was just like and that's uh that's almost like a reflex for me now which i'm trying to get rid of yeah and uh i was just like man i really if that happens i would be so bad man fuck you 13 year old and then dude you're just it's just we are on stage right and you know you talk to people and it's just like it's nothing to you you fucking

you don't think about what you're like it's just like there's i'm gonna call it out i'm not being mean yeah and i started doing a 13 year old and and then like as soon i was like in my head i'm like what are you doing dude he's 13 like yeah like this is the worst age to put someone on the spot and i'm just pointing out how like yeah you're 13 and you're like one of the few kids in the audience i'm like and i was just like what do you do what and i didn't know how to get out of it because it never got laughs that crowd work because i just didn't know i was just like i wanted to build towards like so you're jerking off what's going on i was just like fuck it's just like yeah and then the whole audience is tense because they're like oh my god what's this 13 year old because you're you're walking a tight wire just like all right now i'm gonna engage a child and they're like oh i don't know

i should i felt like i had to i'm fucking idiot and it was one of the first things i did too because i just want to acknowledge that there's kids in the audience and yeah you know like we're gonna like keep it a little it's always it is always weird too like i've done a few of those uh so far shows and then like other apartment shows whenever there's a kid in the audience it's always weird for people even if like the mom or dad is like no no it's they're okay they're okay it's like yeah they're okay like we all i know that you're a cool dad or whatever but the whole audience if i cuss they're gonna be looking at your kid and it puts them on it and then they're just instead of like laughing at you they're gonna be like oh my god and they're gonna yeah exactly yeah they're not in the moment either because

they're like oh how is that kid reacting i mean but the cool like for uh taylor williamson the guy and like yeah his credit like i mean he fucking he destroyed every show uh-huh um he did pretty like he did really well even when, like, his fans weren't there. His fans, like, typically weren't at the late shows. Right, right, right. And, but if you think about, like, okay, so, like, you have a kid who's a fan, right? Yeah. And they want to go to your show, but now they can't come alone.

So, someone else has to. So, it's an automatic built-in ticket sale like extra tickets so like he said a lot of times whole families will just come even if one kid wants to see them because they kind of have to they have to all right we're all going for for that for him that's a cool model i guess because you're you know you're making extra money if it works for you great but that would be hell for yeah and he's very aware he's like look i know i'm considered like not a cool comic blah blah blah blah but i think it's like one of those things where like yeah he had a lot of success off this show and yeah he's like

you know what's cooler than that money yeah like over 20 million people watch that shit and i think um it'd be different if he was like Joe Mattarese was on that show. I don't think Joe Mattarese was ever going to be. When? A few years ago. He actually got screwed over, he says, by that show. On purpose. They pick and choose who they want to excel.

Right. Well, he said they edited it to make him look bad. They said his first set was great. And they brought his kid out. And they're like, oh, my god like he brought him on stage and then after that they made it seem like his second set wasn't as good but it was fine yeah and he you know he said it was really good but you just edit it so in a way it's like you just cut to an audience member with like a puzzled look but it could be from like an hour before his set votes do the viewers vote or do the judges i honestly don't know because i don't

know either i think it's just the judges but i don't i don't know because i know they have like howie mandel and they have i think the judges pick who advances and then people vote yeah so either way but he said he kind of got screwed over but say he went like joe madaris is like a seller guy he's like a new york guy yeah lang there's no way that he's gonna be entertaining 13 year olds but taylor i think he was already that comedian before yeah in a way yeah he's very innocuous yeah not to say that he did like kids humor but i think he was already in that lane you know so it'd be different if all of a sudden joe mattery's is like you know what's crazy about middle school yeah you know well but then so

then the first show taylor so then the feature act like he goes up he walks off stage and he was like man i don't even know how to feel about that because it's tough it's uh he had to like the whole time i was only on stage for 20 10 minutes he's on there 20 and you are in your head and 20 is a short feature set too that is short yeah yeah because uh but you're ahead in my head you're you're ahead always always when you're especially when you're like you have to actively think about being clean it's real tough like there's some jokes that like don't even really work hard when i'm like being clean it's like god damn it but then it's a cool thing to know about your jokes yeah but it's also i think just a lot of stand-up is just being comfortable like exactly and so if you are even

if the joke's not you know say it's a six out of ten yeah still like you're comfortable and you're doing it so you can sell it but on this one if you're like and then i said fudge you know yeah so like i have you know you have natural transition so i started transitioning to this joke about hooking up and i realized i can't do that and so i was like so i stopped and i was like and i had just finished doing a whole chunk of my job and i'm like yeah it's a cool job you know someone's got to do it oh my god oh my god in my head i was like you suck man the world's crazy huh you know what else is crazy damn it was so bad stuff's crazy yeah and then i was like uh i'm dating yeah that's literally what happened speaking of somebody's gotta do it i'm dating yeah i'm dating i that's literally what happened speaking of somebody's got to do it i'm dating i'm dating i gotta do it oh my god it was so painful yeah but it was cool they were like

they were nice and uh yeah and i are the parents fans too of taylor i couldn't tell i think some were i think mostly it was like the kids who were fans and then. Yeah. And they just have to tag along. And, but the first night, so I bring up Taylor. Yeah. He goes up within 10 minutes. This motherfucker is dropping F-bombs.

Yeah. Left and right. Nice. And then he was just like, oh yeah. When I tell, like, he was like, I hate this. It happens every time. Like when I tell clubs, I would prefer clean openers. He's like, i just want you to do your act but don't be like he doesn't like comedy and this was even before yeah he doesn't like some like his openers to be up there and be like

so i was finger fucking this chick nobody does and we've talked we've talked about this before where you will meet a headliner or you'll hear from the club like you have to be clean but yeah they just they just don't want a nightmare of a person going up there be like man cunts are wild yeah you're like oh yeah so then like the other shows i pretty much just got to do my act and it was fine right right just yeah still kind of pg and i finessed it a little bit like no f-bombs well even when you're hosting yeah it just it's uncomfortable like Yeah, you don't want to be the first guy out there and like, all right, who likes pussy? But some people do that shit because they're stupid.

And then you're like, man, somebody's got to do it, huh? Yeah. Somebody's got to do that puss. But, yeah, it was cool. He was fun. It's funny because he's offended people, but he makes the most innocuous jokes. But, like, I forgot what he said he told me

he was at a he's like he does he would do these shows for america's got talent like a variety and it would be like right you know thousands of people yeah like in theaters and uh he'll do and he even said like i know it's hacky but he's doing crowd work and he was he talks about being jewish and he's like hey where my jew where are the jews and like people in the back. And he's like, hey, where are the Jews? And people in the back clap. And he's like, oh, the cheap seats, huh? And a fucking, oh, they started screaming at him at the meet and greet like these old Jews. And then another time, he has some joke about Japanese people. I can't remember what it is.

Japanese Jews. He's like, oh, the cheap, efficiently made seats, huh? But some dude threw a drink at him at a meet and greet and just walked out. Whoa. Well, no, that's probably because most of those people aren't comedy fans, really. No, and he knows that.

They're like, we saw you on the TV. Yeah, and that's such a hard audience as an opener to perform. Because, yeah, they don't give a shit about comedy. They might not even audience as an opener to like because yeah like they don't like they don't give a shit about comedy they might not even know that an opener is supposed to be there no probably not yeah yeah but it's but that's the way comedy is going like uh even taylor's talking about that like a lot of clubs are giving weekends to youtube stars yeah because they can sell out like crazy they perform for 20 minutes and then the rest of the hour is like a meet and greet on stage or in the lobby see but then that seems antithetical to the

whole like we make money on drinks because then if you have a bunch of 13 to 17 year olds showing up who's yeah they're not famous like kevin hart is famous like kevin hart is someone who's like well i'm just gonna do the door but yeah they probably do a split they do a guarantee or a split yeah like yeah so but that's like god that is such a bummer yeah knowing that that's like the shift like yeah that's happening who knows if that's gonna last though too yeah i mean those youtube stars can't do it and also but i don't think that's like i don't know if they're getting whole weekends i don't think it's like just like days yeah because i don't think it's taking away from anybody because if you get those youtube people like i've heard that they'll have them on like a friday at five and then you have and then your

regular show your regular headliner start at 7 30 because then all those kids are young too so it's like fuck it we'll get them in at five or six we'll start 7 38 whatever yeah oh could you imagine whenever i ask the kids i work with i'm like what you want what do you want to do they always say that they're like i want to be a youtube star and uh there's one kid he's so funny like i'm not so like he's not in my case so but he just comes and says hi to me yeah every morning and he wants to be a YouTube star. I'm like, so, like, he was like, all you got to do is get one video, go viral. You're a millionaire. No. And I was like, no, dude, it doesn't.

But you can explain to kids. But one time I was like, so, like, what about you would stand out, dude? Like, what about you is different than everyone? Like, what's your first video going to be? I was like, I'm going to go to Mondamiami mall i'm gonna go shopping it's just like you're gonna make a video of you shopping you're 12 see but that is the thing it's like 12 year old ghost in the mall like have you seen this yeah it's crazy yeah i don't know just crazy yeah well like uh that dude michael johnson he had a video go viral where it was just him uh with this uh improviser aaron he's younger dude

and it just said like dad gets mad when dropping me off and so it was like a sketch that they did but people thought it was real and like it had like something like nine million views and all kinds of shit god um and he's a millionaire no he didn't make any money oh really yeah i don't think so because like it gets shared on other sites you can't really monetize. Yeah. I mean, you have to be really smart to make money off that shit. Yeah. Like, really smart.

And you probably have parents. If kids actually are making money, it's because they have show business parents who know how to get them agents and who know how to get them sponsored. Because you can't. I don't know how. Yeah. Kids aren't brokering deals with fucking advertisers yeah well i think that youtube cuts it i don't i have no idea i just sound like the oldest man like i think that youtube talks to these kids uh but yeah i think they like i don't know they like realize you're getting a bunch of so the

advertisers go to youtube first they don't go to the kids so it's like youtube's like we'll cut you in on what they're giving us okay uh but yeah the uh with michael's video they did a follow-up video and like they just really leaned into it of being like actors so like michael's wearing a scarf and a hat he's like the character dad was always an odd one to me and like so they're talking about like being actors and workshopping yeah so it's funny to see other people go back to the first video and like people like oh my god this is so crazy then somebody commented like this is bullshit i saw a whole nother video about how it's all lie they were both sketches like nobody said yeah that's so funny but they pass them off as like uh yeah yeah yeah this actually happened yeah yeah yeah yeah so though a lot of those exist out there like there's this video of two

brothers who fight yeah and i don't know if the first video was so funny because it seemed like it could be real these two brothers fight yeah and he just goes in the room and he's like freaking out and just throwing shit and there's a remote on the bed and for some reason he just keeps jamming it up his ass like over his clothes see that's the content so funny and then the videos got crazier and crazier where he's like taking a sledgehammer to a car and people are leaving it i'm like there's no way yeah yeah this shit is real but they were getting like 12 like millions of the 12 year 12-year-old at your school, he's like, me?

I'm gonna put a hairbrush up my ass. Take it to the next level. But still, for a 12-year-old to be like, dude, you know what would be really funny?

If you fucking just started jamming this in your butt. And it is, and it makes adults laugh. And so, that's the end of the show this week. I want to promote,

I'm gonna be a punchline with the kid that showed the remote up his ass. He's headlining all weekend. Hell yeah. But yeah, we do have to roll actually. Yeah, yeah. Dope.

Yeah. So this will be a quick one this week. But yeah, we'll do a little extendo again. And again, we're going to try to book somebody that hasn't been accused of sexual assault. Yeah. But yeah. So let's just promote. So yeah, I guess you have gin and jokes next thursday

jokes on the 7th dc improv me and you yeah on the 8th yeah both are gonna be at the lounge of the dc improv in the 9th i'm oh somewhere in bethesda for for a kurt show yeah nice what are you doing i forgot okay all right it's at a passatano it's a good gig cool dope he was asking me about you and i was like don't book him so obviously he didn't listen but uh yeah he's like i don't know about these these baltimore guys i don't know i'm like dude just book umar does yeah just book him that's all right i i love kurt he's a weirdo but uh all right um yeah so yeah we'll get to we'll get some more shit up. And yeah. Thank you to everybody for listening.

And David Keckner, take us out. Digression Sessions. Coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah