The Digression Sessions - Ep. 236 - Josh & Umar Again

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are joined by each other on a snow day in Baltimore. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. That's sad women should be, huh? Do you want to start the podcast? Yeah, let's do it. Let's make that the opening. Well, the boys are back. The pop boys, baby.

Hell yeah, dude. We are inconsistent Well, the boys are back. The pop boys, baby. Hell yeah, dude. We are inconsistent. The inconsistent boys are back. Consistently inconsistent. Hell yeah, dude. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? We're back, baby.

Yeah, it's snowing. Uh-huh, yeah. I got to work early. Yeah, so yeah, I'm going to put this out on Monday, like all eps come out on Mondays. Hell yeah, dude. So happy Monday. We're recording on a Friday. Don't know who got accused of what uh

sexual misconduct over the weekend or what trump has done yeah no i'm sure nothing good travis smiley oh yeah he's done he's a pbs uh anchor well you heard what he did right no what'd he do he's changed his name to travis frowney no he's uh he's uh i didn't read aboutowney. No, he's... I didn't read about it. He's defending himself. Oh, is he? Yeah.

Well, what happened? I don't know. Just apparently that he was having sex with his subordinates and... Hell yeah. And like saying like, you know, if you don't do that, kind of like threatening them with ending their jobs if they don't fuck him. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So what did he do wrong? Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know. Yeah. It's fucking... It's man i don't know yeah it's fucking it's so insane and also it's it's uh you shouldn't be that shocked like i've been saying it's insane like how pervasive it is but like basically dudes that have power in any situation are going to try

to wield it to get laid yeah yeah i guess so i mean, but also I think it's a type of person. Yes, that like, you know, like I'm not shocked that like people who make a whole career out of like being on TV and being in the spotlight are people who, you know, they're like, I would say they're largely narcissists and they kind of feel entitled to whatever yeah and you're making millions of dollars yeah like matt laura is making like 30 million dollars or something over 20 million a year could you imagine like i would thought about that i was like what is this mother's paycheck like motherfuckers paycheck like you know what's his mom getting out of that i was trying to follow that like but here's how much is his mom yeah how's his mom getting out of that? I was trying to follow that. But how much is his mom?

Yeah, how's his mom doing? Matt Lauer, you take care of your mom. No, I was thinking about that. Because, you know, it doesn't even matter. Matt Lauer is never like, ooh, I really need this paycheck to come in. He doesn't have to say that for the next 40 years. Ever. Ever, actually.

No, his kids don't have to. I would say I would work one year and quit. Yeah. $23 million a year. Where does that even come from? Hush money. A lot of hush money. Yeah, it's such a pointless show, too.

It's just like, we really need him for our morning bullshit extravaganza he's the anchor of that yeah yeah you deserve watches that shit isn't it every it's is it saturday more it's like every weekday every weekday show yeah yeah god i think i don't know i remember adam carolla had a funny joke about like daytime like tv he's like he was like i mean you really have to like wonder what your viewership is yeah it's just people who are grown adults who don't have jobs mostly yeah and then like some kids that stay home sick yeah maybe i remember being a kid and staying home sick and i was like this is boring as fuck yeah i always think about the women that are in the audience too

like like a megan kelly show or like that, where they're just like, yeah, I want to be in the audience for Megyn Kelly. I know. Well, think about this. They're people, because they tape, I think Megyn Kelly tapes in New York. Uh-huh. So, and like a lot of the daytime shows. So, they're people who are on vacation, largely.

Yeah. Imagine using your vacation time to be like, I want to sit through an episode taping of Megyn Kelly. Yeah, or like you get there. When you could try Letterman or something cooler. Right, or Colbert now. Colbert, yeah. It would be funny if they're like,

we're doing the morning show, and then I'm going to Letterman at night. What? Yeah. And then they realize they all tape at the same time. Yeah, yeah. what yeah uh and then they realize they all tape at the same time yeah yeah uh the um uh just like going to new york and then you get the hotel and your vacation time and then it's like yeah so i guess we're gonna get up at 5 a.m try to get in the window and hold up our sign in the freezing fucking oh yeah like in times square like well not even times square but like the morning show

they do it where they have a glass like a glass wall and like people like hang out outside of the building they're not even like watching the show they just know the cameras on the other side so they like this christ hold up a sign that says like minnesota loves i don't know good morning america or whatever just so some fucking guy can turn around like hey yeah yeah exactly who's that dude's that dude, the former fat guy? Jared? Jared. Subway Jared. Subway Jared.

He does the news now. Uh-huh. That's great. Did you hear... He's like, this just in, little boys, amazing. Tom Segura used to... Did you listen to him on Pete Holmes? Yeah.

Yeah. Where he talked about how he filmed all these commercials playing jared's brother yeah that's amazing that'd be so cool if those came out but that ah it's so weird like hanging out with a guy like that and then learning he's this crazy pedophile yeah i'm sure it happened uh soon enough not the pedophile part but mar's like i'm a pedophile yeah what people we work with are probably gonna start falling uh into the pedophile camp no just like the sexual misconduct yeah well if you keep like peeling this onion too it has to be like mario batali went down like the restaurant industry oh that guy yeah yeah yeah which totally makes sense because he's like i'm eccentric and like when you read all the

stories you're like oh it's exactly what were his i didn't read his basically uh he would uh just drink with these people and then be like grope like keep the like booze flowing and then you know moving for the kill and yeah just imagine like this fat balding but still has a ponytail i know the worst crock wearing motherfuckers like i'm eccentric it's fun yeah it's the worst yeah god damn yeah it's fucking i'm sure that happens a lot in restaurants but even on like a low like like much lower scale it's just some guy's the fucking manager yeah of like a denny's and he's like you want the weekend shift yeah just like some like really young like high school chick work yeah or even just getting creepy of like

touching them and shit like yeah yeah exactly it's good to be a dude being a chick is so oh the worst just a constant barrage oh just yeah Like, Chris Rock has that bit. He's like, also, no guy's ever nice to a woman. He's just like, yeah, it's like, oh, this guy held the door. But basically, he's like, would you like some dick? Yeah. Would you like some dick? I used to have a bit about when I was in a coffee shop. I used to go to this coffee shop, and this girl, like, would give me, like, free pastries every now and then.

And every time time i was like damn this bitch is trying to fuck dude yeah she's got a bad yeah but it's just like they're going stale and she needs to get rid of them yeah and they she doesn't she's a good person so she doesn't want to throw them out yeah she's like rather than throw them away i'll just give them to this guy and i'm like oh my god yeah and you're just like man what are my parents gonna think of this girl yeah i know how's she gonna act i'm like trying to imagine her future together while i'm Yeah, and you're just like, man, what are my parents going to think of this girl? Yeah, I know. How's she going to act at Thanksgiving? I'm trying to imagine our future together while I'm imagining fucking the shit out of her. Telling the pastry story at your wedding.

Yeah. Poor gal. Man, she's got it bad. Got it real bad. Anyway, I'm moving in with her soon, so we're fucking. We're fucking. We're getting engaged. Man, so yeah, buddy, what's been going on with you i don't nothing

i don't have anything going on i don't know i was thinking about that before recording i was like do i have anything new in my life well let's wrap up the pot yeah i don't know do you not really just kind of basic stuff i'm uh i'm just a basic dude. The pod boys are back just to talk about being yuppies. Yeah. I got my blue apron box I got to add to that. I mean, I'm doing that album recording. I guess that's cool. Yeah.

I mean, I guess. Yeah, you know, whatever. February 18th at Creative Alliance. What? It'd be really nice for people to show up because it's a big venue. Yeah. I actually had a nightmare about it last night i've been thinking about it every non-stop damn because i want it to go really well yeah and it's

like two months away it's two months away i've sold a decent amount of tickets yeah which i the fact that you've sold any tickets beyond like just your parents yeah in december for a show in february that's a good sign so it comfortably holds like 200 people and then you could fit like 230 my goal is 200 that'd be sick that would be sick i think i can do it uh yeah so just getting ready for that and preparing and stressing yeah don't stress too much yeah you know yeah we did that mic the other night we're uh trying to warm over some of the old stuff. And you're like, I'm not connected to this at all.

Yeah, that material was like two and a half years old. Yeah. Maybe three. No, some of that shit was like I was dating Marlena. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. It was like in 2011, dude.

I was doing stand-up for like a year or two. Whoa, 2011? Really? God damn. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's too old to be too old that's too old i'm not gonna revisit it yeah and you're just not connected to it no i thought it'd be cool to like

do my like i'm not gonna do a full hour but like 30 to 45 minutes and then go on after that and just because we're gonna be recording just to see and see if like i want to put like like just a b-sides kind of like you know like after the yeah and that stuff that you can put out too as like uh yeah trailers and shit like yeah like little promo stuff little like clips that it's like if this is online i'm not gonna be doing this material again anyway so yeah yeah you can just burn that yeah i don't know but that's another scary thing. It's like, oh. We're doing some of those jokes for like... I mean, my set that I've been doing for a while, I've been doing for like at least three years.

I'm just so tired. I'm doing it. I'm so bored every time I go on stage. Every single time. Not every time. That said, come out to my album recording. Yeah, I know. That's a great way to sell it.

Talk about selling it. I think that's what made me do it i was just like i'm not having fun anymore dude yeah like yeah that's what i'm kind of looking forward to too of having like because i'm getting my braces off in january of kind of like starting over a little bit where it is weird where yeah it's like you feel it's it's a weird thing to be like oh this material like this 20 to 30 minutes or however you're parsing it out for like the given set like oh it's cool to know that it works but then it's also frustrating to be like well i need to fucking do some other shit yeah it becomes a crutch like i had every intention

i have a new like six seven minutes that i did at jinn and jokes and i really liked a lot of it and i was like all right i really going to hammer this out because it'll tack on. I have pretty much like three major themes that I'm working with in my set. And it was just like an audience that I was just like, fuck. It's pretty much me just making fun of like fat county people, the joke. Sure. So it's very woke.

Yeah. I do. There is a part of the joke where i say like i like it's i like that joke because it punches up and down at the same time because i'm making fun of like fat racist people but you know i am body shaming people at the same time but i looked in the audience i was like this is not nope the audience so then i just did my fucking you know old shit normal shit worked and i did great yeah but i was just like it was so boring yeah well yeah i mean it's smart to like if those people are in the audience you're

like what piece is this shit huh yeah and they're like yeah good yeah this guy is really connecting with us i know i did and that's like the thing like when i did like uh you know when you do like more rooms outside of like the city, you just and then you realize like, oh, man, a lot of these jokes like do not hit with general America. And so like I think now when I start writing, I'm going to try to be really mindful and not like sell out, but write jokes that like kind of pressure myself, push myself to write jokes outside of like. People that are like you.

Yeah. Like the bubble. Yeah, exactly. Of like liberal fucking city life. Yeah, exactly. It's like, yeah, it could be like, yeah, we all go to the same coffee shops. We know we have the same references. Yeah, exactly.

But then you go, you know, you go do a fucking like club in the middle of nowhere and people are like what the fuck is charcuterie dude like what are you talking about what's gentrification like problems that like people don't like what is that is that some type of cute shark what did you make a trader joe's reference when i was in uh cleveland i even asked the the the one of like the um wait staff and like oh yeah no dude we totally have that shit here and i guess they do but it's like farther out from where we were and and everyone's like no we don't go i even asked it's like do you guys go there and they're like no fuck you yeah okay all right yeah it's funny how people still, like, even my friends, like, oh, you trap a Cheater Joe's.

You're fancy. I'm like, no, you idiot. It's the cheapest grocery store. It's super cheap. Yeah. You should be going there. Really cheap flowers, too. Oh, hell yeah.

Loving them flowers. Karen and I got a nice-ass cinnamon broom. Let me tell you. It smells great. It looks like a broom. It's festive as fuck. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah.

I think it's just also there's nothing wrong with having that stuff where it is like your little like city bubble like material and we're just at knowing like when to use it and you know it's nice to it's nice to have material regardless of being like okay when i'm here i can do this shit i know this will work i know this will work here but not being like hey guys what's the deal or like yeah compromising and you know yeah i don't yeah i mean i mean whatever i've sold my soul a couple times really to do comedy well it doesn't matter well you know you just like you grew up muslim so you're going to hell anyway it doesn't matter sell that soul yeah i read um i read well i read Well, I read an article today about a certain famous brown comedian.

Eddie Murphy? No. I mean, I don't know why I'm talking like this. It doesn't matter. Hasan Minhaj. And it was like an article about how Hasan took the hard road. And I was like, what the fuck hard road did he take? And it was just like, because he's talking about things i guess

that aren't like he's not like women be shopping or doing like general i i don't know i feel like what he's doing is very much like the like accepted in mainstream and very much what the industry is looking for yeah which i'm not knocking it's fucking it's good i appreciate what he's doing oh yeah yeah but it's yeah i don't think he's like bearing his soul in an uncomfortable way or like taking on like taboo subjects it's like he's just kind of sharing his personal experience yeah and also like that's what people want yeah yeah not knocking it but it's not like man there's nothing warrior up there yeah exactly yeah there's nothing like he's sacrificing to make those jokes didorian started with him uh out in la oh yeah he was like yeah yeah and he's like yeah we we

would do mics and stuff and he always said he was like such a nice guy like always he's like but he was he's like he would be so hard on himself uh hasan would and eric was like dude you're literally like you're like six foot a million you're beautiful you're you're gonna be fine oh my god he's like you're a gorgeous man that's funny you said that because like when we were uh when i did uh when i opened up for him like one uh easily the nicest dude yeah yeah i've opened up for like came in like let us hang out in the green room he's like eat whatever you want you can you're just like dude what do you want to do and i was thinking i'll do like seven minutes he's like you can do like 15 i don't give a shit and i'm like yeah okay yeah and then uh and then like and then i got on stage like dude

you crush and i guess like he wasn't thinking I was going to be funny. Yeah. He probably thought you'd do okay. He didn't think you were going to bomb. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he didn't have to let me do his fucking show. No one opens for him usually.

Right, right. And then so I have a lot of jokes about dating and I brought a friend with me. Yeah. And a lot of jokes about being single and just whatever and so he uh i see him after the show and he's like hey man he's like is that your girlfriend is she cool with those jokes i was like oh no i was just a friend and then i saw him later and he was like cool give her my number yeah and that was like uh year, 2016, December. And then I saw him this past summer.

And he was working out new shit. But you could tell he was nervous. He was like, yeah, man, I'm just trying to work out some new shit. So, you know, if it doesn't go well, don't judge me too harshly. Did he say that to you? Yeah. Because he's like really hard on himself. I was like, dude, you're Hasan Minhaj.

There's like 500 people here to see you like yeah what the fuck and also i think yeah right also like he but that is kind of cool being like oh it's because it is really what the comics think yeah like i think if you are actually self-critical and uh kind of have an objective view of yourself like he could go out there and probably crush doing the same old material or doing yeah hack stuff but he's like oh an actual comedian knows what i'm doing yeah it's kind of cool yeah and he also knows like i think that must be a hard part like because the most famous comics aren't or they're not the funniest ones so i wonder if people have like a complex you know like like

like you know there are comics who, like, you know, there are comics who are very well known and sell out arenas, but like they couldn't like stand next to like David Tell or like, you know what I mean? Like. Yeah. But I think. In a neutral setting. I think that Kevin Hart, before everything went down, I think a Louis could, I think

a Chris Rock could, you know what I mean? What do you mean? Like hang with a David Tell, like the bigger echelon. They can, but there's comics who are near that level. Right. That just like,

I'm not saying they're not talented and obviously they work really hard and they are talented or they wouldn't be known, but like. For the listener at home, Umar wrote down women. Yeah.

No, I mean, but yeah, like, I don't know. There's certain comics that like, who sell arenas, but I just don't think like they can stand next to us. Like other less known comics, like even like Tim Dillon or even fucking like Jason Weems or Ramin. Dude, those fucking dudes. Yeah, beasts. Fucking destroy. dude those fucking dudes yeah beast fucking destroy i have never seen them in a room like like a packed kind of showcase setup where they just don't absolutely steal the show totally totally yeah and uh yeah i think those are the type of guys too where it's like when they're

featuring for people the headliner has to work harder for sure yeah yeah oh yeah i wonder if like weems ever has to like play it down a little bit told me um finesse mitchell um i think it was when he was on the podcast that uh when he was featuring for net for finesse mitchell he uh finesse asked him not to like do crowd work or maybe yeah he still did it yeah because that's a lot of weems and stuff is fucking around and going in the audience that's like definitely his like charm you know but when we did uh bobby kelly's podcast i mean he told weems that like you know that's cool you can do that but you're fucking yourself every time you do that yes and no because like yeah there's a rory that's doing well and he does a lot of that so you know it's uh it and i think what bob what Bobby's saying is more of like an old school thing

where it's like, yeah, you can do, you can improvise, but what are you going to do? Improvise five minutes on Letterman? And now it's like the goal is not really to get on Letterman or do a late night spot. It's just get your own fans. Right, right, right. So it's more so people can find you in so many different avenues. And I think people actually appreciate longer stuff too so it's like yeah if you put out a 20 minute clip and most of it's doing like improv and it's on youtube that could still blow up yeah and i thought about like that's i think

what made what made me record an album was i opened up for that guy taylor williamson and uh and he was like dude you need to just put you've been doing comedy long enough where you should put an album out. Yeah. Release it independently. You'll make like, even if no one listens to it. It's out there. It's out there. You'll sell.

You might like, even if you sell like two or three CDs, that's an extra 30 bucks in your pocket. Yeah. And it's cool to have. It's a nice time capsule too. For me, that's what it's mostly about. For me. For me. I just want a time. I just want like an artifact of like uh because

you know you know when like i stopped doing stand-up in like two years i fucking quit right because i'm just like well this is dumb for me to be out right when i'm like in my i don't know it's gonna be funny too when you're like it'll be nice you know my kids can see it and then oh and then like cuts of years later they're like what's this like put that down yeah that's nothing and they're just or like i'm that dad who's like trying to show i remember i had this friend's dad my friend john growing up like his dad was i think he was he's a really cool dude but he was super checked out like him and his uh wife i guess just like didn't like each other sure they never did shit together yeah he would always just come home and just like sit around and uh but he was really nice and he had this like insane rock collection he would go dude he would go like every weekend out and just like go hiking alone

and look dig up rocks and like umar check out this geo pretty cool huh but But like, yeah, his dad had this crazy layout. So you're telling me a guy that collected rocks wasn't fucking all the time? Yeah. What? Oh, my God. And I remember like me and my friends like thought it was really cool and we would like when he would talk to us about it. Yeah. But Josh would be like, oh, or John would be like, oh, dad, you're're so gay no one wants to hear about your rocks he's like hey quit quoting your mother yeah

but i was like i think that's what it's gonna be like when we try to show our kids oh yeah yeah hey look we used to do stand-ups like dad you're so gay you're not funny i'm like fuck you you're a hologram anyway we're like and we're gonna like fucking lame dads because we're going to be funny. And we also have no... Yeah, I mostly make lame dad jokes all the time anyway. Yeah, same. But also we have no grasp on what technology is going to be at the time. Like grandparents now are dealing with kids being

like i'm on snapchat you're like what like yeah exactly computers used to take up an entire room and now it's like here and they're like projecting shit somebody on reddit posted a picture that their grandmother so he emailed his grandparents the picture of like him of their son with them and so they just print out the whole email and frame it so you could see at the bottom i saw that like set from my iphone yeah pretty cute that's really cute yeah i like that um one it's still pretty good one one grandmother yeah it is snowing hard shit as shit. Maybe we will get more than an inch. For the listener at home, we're really painting a picture. Theater of the mind, guys.

It's snowing a lot in Baltimore. Yeah, dude. No, that's, yeah. Number one podcasting. Talk about stuff you can't see. Number one. Number one rule. Number one, baby.

Number one podcast, guys. Rate us. Five stars. Also, Umar and I are super ripped right now. Boom. We're both sitting on piles of cocaine. Hell yeah. Beanbag chairs? Nah, I got a cocaine chair, dog.

That'd be dope. I've never done coke. Oh, me either. I just sit on it. That's how cool I am. That's the baller thing. Yeah, no, but so he told me to record an album, put it out. Yeah, it makes me want to

do it because i'm like i think everybody should if you've been doing something a while it's nice to be like this is the and well so i felt like i still feel silly doing it i mean i know like i don't know whatever but he was like dude i felt the same way about having like a business card he used to have a card and people ask him for it he would hand it out yeah i think we talked about this do we talk about on the podcast no no gives a fuck that's what your business card says like do you have a card you're like i sure do who gives a fuck yeah no but i had a nightmare that like I think like only like 40 people showed up. And I was just like, you know, it was. Yeah. That stuff's kind of cool, too, though.

Like, I mean, that being said, like, that's not going to happen. Like a bunch of you. You've already sold a bunch of tickets like two months in advance. And the power of this podcast is obviously going to bring people out. Like, talk about it snowing. But like Joe DeRosa put out an album. And it's a double album where he recorded in Atlanta. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I think he recorded like most of the weekend. Probably like Friday and Saturday shows. And then blended it together. But it was the weekend of like college football playoffs or something like that and the games were in atlanta so one show was just completely dead and it just had like 13 people that were like wasted because he didn't like make it a thing he just went to a club yeah and was just recording that weekend and then gonna make it i think it probably said like because he told the audience that he was recording an album so i think they didn't have like a did he have a huge fan base at this point i mean not

huge but pretty big it's just it was his third album uh which is actually one of my favorites that has the kfc bit on it yeah so it was around like that time when he was touring but yeah if you listen to the second album it's kind of cool to hear and maybe it's just because we do comedy but like him being like jesus fucking you guys are fucking awful and like telling the crap and like people are drunk and heckling and he's like can i get a shot can i get like two shots i do remember that yeah uh so he let he put out the first album which is actually good and then like so you already know all the jokes and stuff but it's kind of cool to hear like a comic being like god damn this fucking sucks yeah things that probably shouldn't say out loud

into a microphone you know what i mean like uh that's another thing like i so i've been listening to like i've been trying to like go back listen to some podcast about like people talking about like you know like just like recording and doing uh-huh like their specials or uh watching specials and tom segura on pete holmes said like one of the biggest like lessons he's learned and like i guess like advice he would give is not to tell the audience that they're not good yeah which um yeah which i was actually thinking about when we did our gig at the improv at the dc improv because uh yeah a bunch of people after the show came up and we're like you're great you're great yeah where it's like they're having fun and they're smiling and then so if you if you're like man but they're not like giving you like the belly laughs

you're like you guys fucking suck some crowds just won't give it up like that yeah it doesn't mean that they're not enjoying it but it's kind of weird like the show started at seven on a friday people were like just settling in i think yeah but that host bot dude you can't really judge your you know yeah oh yeah yeah so but it'd be weird like because they're still like this is fine i mean it's not like i was destroying but it's just like you know just because they weren't like dying i can't be like all right you guys need to like get fucking loot you know yeah exactly yeah so yeah but you know like he was saying so if you end your set and they're like all right this has been uh shitty uh bye yeah we're like if you're just like you guys were okay or weird yeah yeah yeah there's

been times where i've done that a big hunt too where it's just that crowd can just be uptight and it doesn't mean that they're not enjoying it yeah it's just like oh okay well that was weird and then afterwards people are like oh it's great yeah they come up to you oh okay well that was weird and then afterwards people like oh it's great yeah they come up to you you're like that was really good i don't know why you and yeah i'm a cunt i don't know it's fucking stupid uh it's like after i get done fucking my girl i'm like hey sorry you were you were you were okay you've been oh you're all right oh god someone's gonna send us a message on facebook hey you guys should have talked like that that's how we had the podcast you've been all right you've been all right it's fine it's

whatever people listening you've been okay yeah um speaking of uh shitty p but before we move on that album is it's gonna go fine it's gonna go go great. Yeah. It's going to go great. It's going to be huge. It's going to be huge. Donald Trump's going to be there, dude. Yeah. He's going to open. Oh, dude, for sure. No, I need women openers.

So I'm going to get his daughter. You need some ladies? Yeah. Oh, which one? Tiffany? Get Tiffany, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah, she's an unsung hero.

Really? Well, yeah. I mean, everybody's talking Ivanka yeah and uh junior and then eric and then there's tiffany who like uh i think it was joe mandy i think pointed out he's like shout out to tiffany for just being like basic like her instagram is literally like pictures of like sushi and stuff yeah and she's just like donald trump like never talks about her yeah that's so fucked up oh god that guy's such a piece of shit yeah um i was thinking the other day like since he tweets so early in the morning it's

kind of like he's america's boss that we don't like uh-huh and he gets to work before you and you just know when you get to work you're gonna have shitty emails yeah what's this motherfucker doing this time like every morning literally every morning he tweets some like dumb shit i think he does dude he's smart he does that shit on purpose i don't think he's smart i just think he seeks attention that's all it is yeah i think he knows how to seek attention i remember like when i was like there's no way this guy is fucking winning this was really early on yeah but my supervisor that i was working with at the time he noticed that like donald trump's on the news every day yeah like he got interviewed every day and he was like not even keeps happening not even interviewed he would just say ridiculous shit and mention it and he gets free press and yeah so and then these

people are seeing donald trump every day on the news and they're seeing him say things that they agree with right and but also before that he was already on tv so like exactly and he already was known to people not as like a politician right people watched him on the apprentice like he's a businessman i like that look at him why do people he just fired meatloaf He knows what he's doing. Hey, we need a guy in the office who can make those tough decisions, who can fucking know when to hire or fire washed-up celebrities. It's like, oh, man, he just told MC Hammer he makes a terrible po-boy. He's fired.

Hey, I heard Donald Trump just promoted Vanilla Ice. Oh, good. Well, I remember when the election was happening, I was at a grocery store headed to my dad's house. It was a grocery store by his house. And it was a predominantly black grocery store. And there was a guy in line, white guy. I think he was drunk.

He was buying a ton of people. So you were at Whole Foods? We were at a Tr fat joe's and uh it was just so awkward because uh because same thing like trump was on the cover of like magazines and stuff so when you're checking out it's all right there and the guy's like trump trump he's gonna he's gonna change his country meanwhile it's like i'm the only other white guy. And I just want to be like, bro, nobody here is for what you're saying. But he's just such an idiot. He's a businessman.

He's going to bring every agency in. He's going to bring each one of them, go over their budget line by line. And if it's not right, he's going to cut them. First of all, he doesn't know how to run a business. He's been uh bankrupt four times yeah and then also literally that's not how it works like no agency comes in to meet with the president they're like here's our budget like budgets are fucking massive and the guy's in it and so it's just he tricked dummies being like yeah like fake it till you make it of being like

i'm smart i'm a businessman it's like dude what the fuck do you know about running a business you're bagging my groceries right now now well this this guy was just that he was just in line he like he was just he was buying like he was just buying pedialyte which was weird and you're trying to get him like dude shut the fuck yeah we're just in line and like yeah the cashier is african when people in line are African-American. And it's just like, dude. You really skipped over finishing the word African-American. Which, you know, hey. These guys are African-American. I don't even know this.

Yeah, but, like, why do people think, like, because that a lot in the, not even this election, but the previous two. Yeah. We're like, well, this person's a business person. Yeah. It's like, why do you, like business people fucking suck, would suck dick at running a country. Also, government isn't business. No.

Government isn't a for-profit industry. Because you have to worry about people's rights and people don't give a shit about rights and business. They just want to make money. That's why all your dumb jobs go overseas, you fucking idiots. No, that's because immigrants take them. Yeah. Also, I like how I'm speaking.

Like, there's actual Dig Sesh listeners who are in calls right now listening. Like, what the fuck did he say? They spit out their kale juice. What? I'm sorry? That's like a dumb thing i see on facebook a lot like hey to anyone yeah who thinks it's okay to shout at women it's like motherfucking none of those people on your news feed yep you just want other people like oh yes oh oh yes it's for the likes like like like like like like it's the most disgusting post. Yeah. And people like that. If they actually wanted to have those debates, they would do that, but not on Facebook.

If you think it's okay to grab my ass while I'm standing in the grocery, Ryan. Yeah. It's like nobody in your news feed did that to you. Why are you posting that? It's that same guy from the grocery store. He's like, that's a business. That's my business. I'm a businessman. I'm that business if you don't let me grab your ass i'm gonna cut your butt show me dude i i thought about deleting facebook recently i think i might yeah do it

let's take a break yeah you have to delete it i mean you can delete the app and like not fuck with it for a week yeah i was it's so weird though when people do that and then post about it oh yep they're like hey i just need to like get back to me for a while so peace social media it's like okay and then you log back in a week later and you're like oh what did i miss did i get likes on my post oh yeah look how people congratulating me for trying to prove my life on social media about how i'm not gonna do social media and then like on instagram there's this like trend of like do you know is this trend of people like really take like dressing up going out in the woods and doing uh photo shoots uh yeah i yeah i feel like that's a fall thing for

like chicks and stuff yeah it's just crazy like do you take a whole crew because they're really nicely like they're like they have makeup on multiple like uh angles and shots and outfits it's like did you go in did you hire a whole team to take pictures of you and then like from like a really nice camera and then you just get it emailed to you and you like it's so weird i just woke up like this it's nice to get back to nature and they put dumb quotes. I saw one girl post. She probably listens. Oh, whatever. She posted.

You're talking about your girlfriend? Yeah. I saw this one bitch. Yo, this dumb bitch. No, this girl posted a selfie of her. And she was very done up. And it was a very like stage like almost photo shoot selfie and she's like wish me luck on my final finals today guys it's just like

just put up a nice picture of yourself and like just you don't need a caption yeah you're gonna get a hundred some likes easy easy yeah that was that is always fun where like they're uh like chicks are like dressed up and like like showing cleavage and stuff and then they're like just made breakfast and like their bagel is like in the corner and you're like is that what this picture is about here's one girl i follow uh yeah she like literally like all of her pictures she is like very big breasts takes like just only selfies and she'll like yeah and it'll be like what a nice day. And you can barely see anything in the picture except for her and her tits. I'm going to need this handle just to see what you're talking about.

I'm trying to visualize. And normally you paint a really good picture. When you said it was snowing earlier, I saw it. But this, I'm going to need to see. Let me get that handle. Everyone's trying to brand themselves. But people who don't really, I don't know. They branding their their life i don't i don't know yeah well yeah like you know you just see people doing that like so we're watching um super trashy television

right now we're watching uh vanderpump rules what's that uh is uh it's a reality show about uh a bar and restaurant in uh west hollywood and like just everybody's a piece of shit like just all of them so it's like that thing of like the it's just weird like the generations of like social media and being like yeah i gotta get this tattoo i'm this bro i looked at yeah it's like do a certain thing and like you're like oh wow that's it's all about like presenting yourself as like one thing and like they're all just like yeah pieces of shit yeah i said me and karen are tearing through episodes hey dude it's like it's just so trash it's fun to make fun of too but it's also it's just it's so like you just turn your mind off but it is funny that we'll be watching that and then

i'll come downstairs and you guys are watching the wire but it is funny that we'll be watching that and then i'll come downstairs and you guys are watching the wire and i'm like yeah we're watching the same type of level all just tv and entertainment yeah you know like i don't delineate i mean a little bit i'll like yeah but if somebody let's just put it this way if somebody said my favorite show is the wire and then somebody said my favorite show is vander pump rule yeah yeah yeah i've never yeah well it's my first time doing the wire i've never seen it yeah you're on season two right we finished it we watched four episodes last night dang i mean yeah we're tearing through vander so we uh we're gonna be on we're gonna start three tonight i know three's a good one what's three about three uh so let me see the endings of the seasons dude are so like

uh annoying because there's no real justice that's served but you're like well that's life that's life yeah yeah that's where yeah that's why i kind of like those ending like people get pissed off at like no country for old men yeah like yeah it's yeah, nothing just ends with a nice, neat bow. Yeah. Caught him. Yeah, like, they do this, like, year-plus investigation. It's just fucking, oh, nothing. It leads to nothing. It just falls apart, yeah. So I think three, they kind of get back to, like. Barksdale.

Yeah, but then, like, rival gangs and stuff. And then season four is the schools. And then season five is. It's the last one, right? Yeah, and that's is the schools and then season five is the last one right yeah and that's more the media and journalism but it's really cool how each season represents like a different segment of baltimore and then how they all like filter right season four is brutal with uh with the kids man so it's like you get introduced to these characters and then you kind of see how they become there will become like the other characters on the show it's like oh this little kid he's going the path of this guy

and then it kind of just shows you how it's like yeah cyclical and yeah and i like season two people were like season two was they're like really good yeah when i started watching people like just stick it out season two you got to get through it. Do you know when Karen, my Karen. Plus, you get to see Ziggy's big old dick, dude. I don't think that's his real dick. No, it's real. I was like, if that's that kid's dick, I will fucking. Massive.

Just so big. I remember thinking that, but I didn't want to say it because Karen was right. I was like, damn. Zaddy thick. That shit was flaccid too yeah he's thick yeah dude did he chop up what's he doing yeah that was that was a good dick um you rewind it i missed some dialogue what did he say he was a good character because he, like, literally my blood pressure would increase when he was on TV. Like, I fucking, I wanted to see him. You're talking about your dick got engorged. Yeah, yeah.

My dick. Blood would rush to my dick. My dick would just rush to my dick. Blood would rush to my dick. My dick would rush. Dick rush. Yeah, but what the fuck is it again? I don't remember what I was going to say.

Season two. Two. uh yeah but um what the fuck is again i don't remember what i was gonna say something to to oh well karen said it's like you know it's probably because like it's a lot more about white people and so people like would expect something like the wire would be more about drugs and even though it was about drugs but it was just more of like from like the perspective of white baltimore and that might be annoying to some people right right like kind of like the dundalky yeah but it was like really fast it was just more of like from like the perspective of white baltimore and that might be annoying to some people right right like kind of like the dundalky yeah but it was like really fast it was and it was also like another picture of baltimore where like you had like these booming industries where like these low skill i don't know it's like a shitty way but that's what how they say it but like like you know people that working at docks and things yeah people who work in docks they

could make a fucking living you could buy a home and send your kids to school and like improve your life improve the lives of your children do a job like that but then because of just the the the the shift in industries yeah and manufacturing in this country where you know those jobs became dead ends for people and or they just weren't like paying as much and they weren't as prevalent and there weren't there wasn't as much work and then like all where just slip in anti-immigration like plus he's got these taking everybody's job sickens are coming in oh by the way uh everyone should listen to the the newest this american life it's about that it's really unbelievable the podcast it was so so well done yeah really it was it was so good yeah about this town where listen i don't like you promoting other podcasts unless you're trash we're gonna fuck up we're

gonna fuck you up ira glass just you're on our territory ira glass hole hey what's up take that buddy uh anyway yeah and then like how like you know the places where they used to have jobs are being turned into like high-rise condos and all that stuff and the resentment that that community has towards like the people like us yeah yeah yeah i mean i feel it even with like the the bar right across the street where it's like the uh oh yeah it's like a old school like townie bar yeah and yeah like when the when we were doing the deck when the wood got dropped off like a woman came outside of the bar and i was picking up all the wood and she was just staring at me yeah i was like how are you she's like i'm good

all right like i'm not like kicking you out or anything so it must be a heart like it's a weird thing you live in this you've lived in this neighborhood and your family. And then I think like, you know, like crack and like heroin, like devastated a lot of their family systems. And then like this neighborhood that no one gave a fuck about, like is barely livable for them now. Right, right. Because like people like drive up rent prices. Yeah, but it's, yeah it's it's weird because it's like yeah with this neighborhood like i don't feel like it is as like clear-cut gentrification i mean i guess that is what's happening with like restaurants and stuff

but like not really like forcing anybody out of their home you know but that's not how it ever happens right like sometimes sometimes developers sit on huge lands and apartment complexes and schools and they'll shut down schools and shit yeah because they bought the land they're like you got to get the fuck yeah that happened in dc like dc's gentrification was very like quick and like but this is more gradual yeah but like you're seeing it like totally like like the high rises those fucking townhomes that were built over there yeah they look like weird they're gross yeah suburban gross yeah like it looked like somebody just took like any just basic suburban yeah like row home and just put it right there like those row homes that people build. There's this trend in the mid-2000s where people started building row homes right across malls.

Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what those look like. Yeah, it looks like it's like we're pretending to be a community or something. I remember at Columbia Mall, it's like a bougie fucking county. pretending to be a community or something i remember like because at columbia mall like it's like that like a bougie fucking county uh i remember when they built those real homes i was like in high school i was like dude that'd be so cool to live right across the mall just walk over who knows is right there dude you get one of those deep dishes take it home i mean you're kind of

making a lot of sense and then but it was funny because uh i got to go in one of those deep dishes take it home i mean you're kind of making a lot of sense and then but it was funny because uh i got to go in one of those homes because my friend's dad who just got divorced but oh yeah those are the homes for people sad divorced dad he's like me and my geodes are gonna split a piece of pie i call pizza pie i'm fun but we kind of live in that where it's like oh we're close to the avenue with all the shops and the bars. Oh, yeah. I mean, look, I know. There's no difference between us and the county. It's not...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I'm a yuppie piece of shit. I'm going to make a Red Baron pizza and watch Vanderpump Rules and be like, ooh, Jax is cheating on who? Yeah. I'm going to start season three of The Wire with a glass of wine. Hell, yeah.

I'm going to start knitting... Do you know glass of wine Hell yeah I'm gonna start knitting Do you know they're doing Another women's march this year? No No So I'm gonna start knitting I got a request To make a pussy hat

Hey now So I'm gonna make a pussy hat For a buddy You're just gonna put Your face on it Got him Got him Are they doing it again

In January? Like same No I feel like I would have heard about it already. I think it was February, March, right? No, because it was the day after the inauguration. And so the inauguration was January 20th. Yeah, I don't know.

My buddy hit me up and said that there's rumblings of another one. Rumblings. But I don't think I'm going to go to... I think Baltimore is going to have... But this year, dude, it's going to be huge. Wait, what do you... If they do it in D.C. again, you mean? Yeah, because not only is Trump still in office,

but then all of the hashtag Me Too and all the sexual misconduct coming out, I think people feel super empowered. Yeah, well, D.C. was bananas last year. Dude. So many fucking people. It was really fun. Yeah, it was really cool to see just

so many like it sounds really dumb to be like just you know like positive people but it was like cool to see like that many people turn up and yeah bitches giving me uh granola bars for free it was dope i just remember just yelling i'm like i'm hungry who's got snacks and like literally a woman's like i have some granola bars do you want some and i was like yes umar's like, I have some granola bars. Do you want some? And I was like, yes. Umar's like, I'd rather eat something else. Pussy. A lot of puss around. We didn't even move. It was so many people.

Like we couldn't. We moved barely. Karen and I walked for a bit. And I was just like, wow, this is, it was cool. It was cool to see like that many people, especially given the inauguration the day before was so like poorly attended. Oh yeah. And then of course I had that thought. I was like,

dude, if something happens right now, we're, we're going to die. Yelling that out. Yeah. Two, four,

six, eight. Give me some fucking granola. Bitch. Yeah, man. Uh, no,

yeah, I'm, I'm looking forward to, uh, yeah, it's just been like a lazy lazy ass week it's been fucking yeah and then next week christmas will be here soon enough after next week and uh i'm off all week oh yeah yeah yeah because you're on that school sketch yeah dude it's very

nice very nice i think i just took the day off after thanksgiving i think so it was uh karen and i already did our christmas presents we kept it low-key hell yeah what'd you get she got me uh the iphone splitter for to charge and use your uh yeah that's a good investment i have one yeah which is uh it's so like oh i gotta get the iphone oh it's shittier because i can't play no dude but their whole goal is to get those fucking bluetooth earpod things yeah my bro likes them i can't get that they look so dumb i can't do they look like it's just an earbud without a cord i would lose them you know yeah well that and i just i just it looks too weird to me like without a string hanging off of yeah yeah yeah i don't know why their goal is to

do that because then you have to get like you have to charge those you have to charge those it's fucking stupid it's like yeah it's all to sell more shit that's all yeah so it's like oh yeah you got to buy the new thing and then also the old thing doesn't work with the new thing so you got to get this thing did you see that uh oh wait did i hear bill burt talk what was that a real thing where people put chips in their hands like piloting this program where you have like a chip in your hand you can pay with shit with it do you remember i don't know uh i don't know but i'm i think that's probably gonna happen i'm sure there's gonna be some type of integration that's crazy like i bet they're gonna have like contacts where you can like see shit you know i mean that was the whole idea of like google glasses google glasses never

worked right like they got they worked it just people look fucking stupid no i mean they never took off everyone was just like who the fuck is gonna wear this right yeah just dummies had it also there's a lot of like security because you could just be in a locker room and start recording shit yeah you know yeah locker room and then even on a lesser uh degree just if you're in like a coffee shop and somebody's just staring at you recording yeah the fuck damn dude yeah it's crazy you're just watching porn no one knows like oh no no i wasn't recording you but you must because you just the guy like hey could you not stare you just see the mirror version of a porn in a guy's glasses.

No, no, no. I'm watching porn. Yeah. Come on, dude. I'm not creepy. I'm not a creep. Look at you. Just watching porn in public.

Narcissist. How dare you? I caught a guy watching porn at my gym when I worked at a gym. He used to come and just look at porn on the computer. Because we had like a, for some reason, this fucking gym, he had like a media corner yeah pretty much we had a area like a comfort computers that are yeah they could use and this guy he was so creepy like he i mean obviously something was wrong with right mentally yeah um and he would come in this motherfucker would not work out he was coming

get his i mean whatever he's paying for the membership so he gets his coffee he fucking sits in the sauna yeah and then he would always go on the computer and like it'd just be really creepy and i was like i was like i walked by i was like yo this motherfucker is looking at porn dang so i waited for him to get off the computer and i searched the history and like yeah it's just like all this porn but i also found his e-harmony site oh and i went through his preferences and he literally in the comments or somewhere i remember he said no blacks white only are you sure they didn't type that in the porn search so i changed all his settings to like hispanic that's fun and asian and then i just started like messaging other chicks it was great

oh that's awesome yeah did you ever see like nah because like i wouldn't know you know like yeah it'd be fun to log back in he's not gonna be not going to be like, who the fuck? It's like, you know, he's not going to call someone out for that. Yeah. It makes me think of our friend, Alai. When she, I think because she was doing a site like that. I don't know if it was eHarm,

but like one of those sites where you, and then you have to fill out like a questionnaire. So you get matched up with people. One of the questions that she got asked was, did you think Adnan did it? Oh my God. What a a weird parameter that's a weird dude that's another funny uh that's so funny when i was actually opening up for hassan minaj the one of his like that chick uh lawyer what was her name like their friend do you remember oh on the podcast yeah chaudry or

something whatever her name was she was at the early show and she released a book right oh is she the one that did like a podcast as well undisclosed yeah yeah yeah and so uh i was just i don't know how it came up and i was just just like, yo, that dude fucking did it, man. But Hasan is really on the side of he's innocent. He was a Muslim who was portrayed as this because of who he is. And I was just like, uh-oh. And then I referenced Serial in my joke. Yeah.

And actually, it got an applause break, so that was cool. That's good. But I think I did offend a lot of people i think i offended a lot of people i think for a pc audience like don't joke oh not even pc but like muslim right like straight up a lot of women were wearing hijabs or head scarves a lot of them were like my parents age and religious like dude backstage was weird like i just had to leave after this show really because it was just like hanging out with my fucking religious family like all these like really like you're like aunts and uncles are there so i didn't know but like huston minaj used uh my first cousin used to be married to his first cousin really yeah so when i was on so but her and her husband are going through a divorce and like a huge custody battle

and they haven't spoken in a while and so a couple days later she's like why didn't you tell me you opened up for Hasan Minhaj I was like how the fuck did you know she's like because I got like 50 text messages the night you were on stage and one of that from like my uh in-laws families and one of them was my in-law and we haven't talked in so long weird they were like i think we're watching your cousin right now weird crazy it's like a weird like muscle like who's on first it's just like uh we're watching your cousin like i thought you're saying hassan no it's my cousin hassan's your cousin hassan cousin what that's hilarious yeah and uh so there's like all these like older pakistani or not in or whatever muslim people backstage and i was just like because hassan is very clean and thoughtful right stage and i was just like you know i'll be fucking white chicks

yeah and i just talked all my sexual escapades and fucking cussed a lot and yeah so i felt uncomfortable being i just felt like because no one said shit to me i am excited for the young dudes they were like oh you were great but no older person was like oh you were really funny i am excited for after your album taking uh album taping for you to take that on ice for your sexual ice capades. Thank you. More sexual ice capades. On ice. What's charcuterie? You're just standing. Break out into song.

Yeah. Change your name. Triple Axel. That, real quick, that Undisclosed podcast was actually pretty interesting. Yeah? There was a, well, there was only like...

I listened to a few apps, but there's one app where they get the full audio of them interviewing Jay. And so... Because basically, Jay is their whole case. So, he's like, we did this. And then we went to blah, blah. So, on the tape... Because they would play it on serial, but just in sections. So they play like a longer uncut part and you can hear...

The cops coaching him, right? You hear a tapping on the table. So he's like, so we went to... And then you hear a tap. He's like, and then you hear him go, oh, right. We went to... And then he says the place. And so basically like they have audio,

but visually it's like, like, you went here, you went here, you went here. And you can even, like, he even goes like, oh, okay. Dude, that's, like, such a weird thing that I realized from The Wire is, like, people, like, when, like, the guy, he, like, just wants to get the body count off of them like so just like and no one's really like he's not really actually interested in solving the murder no just to make it look like they solve the murder yeah because like when you think about it like when you make something like that's just like that dude's job yeah like you like for him that's like

having to fill out like a fucking excel spreadsheet. It's just logistics. Yeah. And it's like you get numb to the fact that like these are people's family members that are dead. Because it's like my job turns that way for a lot of people where they're just like, oh, I don't want to test this kid. Well, yeah. Like you are like test this kid. Or you're finding out like life altering information for a family. But for you, it's like you're just one of like seven people i'm talking to that day well that was funny because a mom i wasn't at this meeting thank god his mom was like yelling at our team and like saying like you don't

care about my kid you don't know him like you don't even know isn't like anything about him and it's just kind of like you're right right right right at the same time like we don't need to know all that about him to make the decision of for him what we're trying to make but i get where you're coming you also have to empathize like for her she's just being like like yeah like you're changing my world right now oh for sure yeah uh yeah and then like but i see it all the time where like you know where like people are just like oh let's just not test and like and then so um and then you're like oh this kid's in the sixth grade and he's reading at a second grade reading level and it's just because somebody was

just like didn't you know it was just like ah this is more work wow you know like jesus so then yeah that's sad yeah it was sad well on that note yeah yeah that's why like dude i'm like testing like like you're supposed to test kids every three years uh if they already have an iep just to make sure to see what their what is iep oh sorry uh you told me before individualized individualized education. So that is your plan of how to deliver special ed services. Which makes sense. As you get older, you got to amend that and make sure it's working or whatever. Make sure it's working. See if there's growth.

See if you need to adjust the goals and services. Yeah. So then the rule of thumb is you're supposed to be tested once in elementary school middle school high school you know i'll get kids like who are in eighth grade and haven't been tested since like first grade then i'm like you know like and you i can say no and other people can say no but then you're just like well what like what the fuck is my job if i say no so now i'm like testing like a fuck ton of kids yeah because just because the can like keeps getting kicked down the road exactly and then and i feel like watching the wire and like and like i can see like why cops yeah i'm not justifying it i'm just saying it becomes like just a fucking they want to go home

that's just life too that's why like these things never get solved because it's so massive and it's been going on for so fucking long and then it just kind of reinforces itself yeah like it's just like i think like in our head like we think of cops like they'll do whatever they can to solve a murder and then you get older and like a little more experience and just like oh yeah they don't give a fuck they probably stumbled most of them probably stumbled into a job sure like most people do stumble into careers yeah and yeah that goes for law enforcement too yeah exactly yeah i mean think about like there's even school psychologists like a lot of times like most people have never heard of school psychology until like they were applying for it for grad school yeah yeah and same way with cops too you're like man how could this you're supposed to serve

and protect it's like dude i went to school with dummies that like, I wouldn't trust, like, I wouldn't copy their like paper. Yeah. You know, I wouldn't even be like, hey, what'd you get for number three? But now they're supposed to be like saving lives. Like those are cops. Like, no way. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's another thing too. Like when you are, like when you're younger and you see adults, you're like, oh, this person is this because they wanted to be that. Yeah, that's my dog. And when I was going to college, everybody was like, it doesn't matter. I mean, I do this.

I didn't think I was going to do that. And then I ended up being one of those people that works for the, I was a history major that's a budget analyst. Well, I remember I was in college. When I was in college, all I wanted to do was be a clinical psychologist and do research, work at a university. And I was on track to do that. And then everyone I talked to about how they do what they do, and they're like, well, I wanted to do this. And then I got this internship. And I just kind of stayed yeah or like it's just like a series of random events where like they

were on a path yeah and they like something got them off it's just like no one was ever just like i'm gonna study no one was like a young kid like i'm gonna study this at this place it's just yeah yeah it's like i did i wasn't like i'm gonna do history because that's gonna get me a job at the government yeah like i didn't it was just like oh i'm going to do history because that's going to get me a job at the government. Yeah. Like, I didn't. It was just like, oh, I'm interested in this and we'll see. I think kids have to start thinking that way, though. Oh, absolutely.

Like, you can't. I don't know. Yeah. You can't go to college and just fucking. Yeah. Well, I think we were right at the time where, like. It didn't have to be highly specialized. It helped, but it didn't have to.

Yeah. I got lucky too with i mean now like where the government's at too like i got lucky that yeah that obama was president and i was literally part of a program that's not a program anymore it's oh really it's the federal career intern program yeah my brother did that that's how he got his job yeah so yeah i guess we started probably around the same time then did you ever take a semester off school no my brother took a semester i was cool i was already work full time i was already graduated oh so he took a semester off school they said if you work for us full time for one semester we'll pay for everything and they paid for all of the rest of his school no shit so my dad paid for the first

two years and then the second two wow covered books and everything dang is that insane yeah that's fucking awesome yeah i well i guess i didn't know about that part of it probably because i was gonna be graduating so yeah um but it's such a sweet yeah it was so cool like so it was so fun so they're like you come in at uh gs7 so the that's the government pay grade. So there's one to 15, GS1 to 15. And then there's steps in between. So they're like, okay, so it's a two-year program. You're going to come in at a GS7. And then you will be a GS12.

And then at the end of those two years, you apply to become a GS13. And hopefully that works out. But you're going to move up. You're going to go from a 7, a 9, to an 11, to a 12. And by the time you're 12, you're going to be making, I think it was like 72 grand at the time or something. Being a college kid. And like, well, I just graduated,

and then I was a line cook at a diner. And so it took everything for me to be like, yeah, that's all right. But in my mind, I'm like, holy fuck. 72. Great. Are you fucking going to buy a BMW? There's like just burning your lighting cigars at 20.

Yeah, I'm sitting in my cocaine chair. Just grab it. That'll do that. That's okay. That's hilarious. That's okay. But yeah, i was like god damn so yeah so i mean i got in like right at the perfect time because it was also the i

graduated also when the economy was like yeah 2008 yeah 2008 is the worst yeah yeah i don't know i i feel like if you're smart and you go to i i know this is gonna sound shitty yeah i'm losing my voice but i think if you have a four it's like your body trying to save you from saying something and you go to... I know this is going to sound shitty and I'm losing my voice, but I think if you have a four-year... It's like your body trying to save you from saying something. Yeah, seriously. Your brain's like,

shut it down, shut it down. I don't have much sympathy for people who have four-year degrees and don't have decent paying jobs. That's tough though. I hear what you're saying like in a general sense but if you look at somebody that was like like like an english degree yeah you chose an english i know

but it's also very limited choose at 18 i get that yeah unless you like want to be a teacher or something like i don't know it's tough that's where i lucked out of like the history major thing of yeah there yeah i mean mine is yeah pretty limited yeah well i i just feel like because if you're smart and you have a four-year degree like government jobs a lot of them they don't care what your degree's in right but yeah so but also now the government isn't hiring as much so you have a republican congress and president that are trying to limit um the amount of employees and stuff like that so like literally we've been on a hiring freeze for a while we got there was some where we could bring some people in but it was very

specialized stuff it wasn't just like general so yeah so yeah it's uh it's it's tough that's where you have to kind of you have to know what you're doing with that degree like you can get your english degree and you're like that's because i'm gonna be a teacher i'm gonna teach you know what i mean yeah so it can't just be like i have my degree and now i'll fucking figure it out no i work with girls uh brag well just because like when you work with kids you pretty all your co-workers are girls but doesn't i work with people who went to college and we i work with non-male yeah you work with people you know who works with people i worked with uh there's a robot he's like yeah i work with um uh we all when we graduated like you know when you have a psych

degree that's also just like a history degree right there's not general you have to go to grad school to make money yeah so but in between you can take jobs and like build your cv and so we're all making the same amount of money which is like after taxes we're making like 22 000 a year jesus but like i left school with no debt and these like my co-workers yeah they have like six figure in debt like you don't need six figures because you don't need to go to a fucking private school and like that's the person i just i understand you made the decision when you're 18 yeah but like god you don't have six figures you don't have to fucking do that that's bananas private colleges are such a racket like oh yeah like people like well i like i learn better and smaller it's like motherfucker if you cannot if you made it to college you can

do just fine in a bigger setting yeah not and also not every single class is a seminar class and also not every fucking thing in your stupid college career has to be perfect like you can sit in a class dude i sat in classes where yeah like if you're smart people professors will know you yeah i'll say yeah there's uh yeah you can navigate stuff of being like oh i need to talk to this professor sometime you're having a hard time whatever i remember one time i just went to my professor's office and we were gonna have an exam and i was like it was like uh the day before and i was just like i uh i'm not ready to take the exam was he cool or she she yeah She, yeah. She's like, she like kind of made a face

and I was like, all right, I'll give you a couple days. Were you a good student? Yeah. And I remember telling my friend Ryan at the time, I was like, yeah, I don't have to take it. I was like, why? I was like, I just asked her not to. And he was like, what?

Our friend Alex Broslowski, who's in big Baltimore, was in big now. Yeah, Magnet. Doing bullshit in New York. Yeah, with Magnet Theater. Yeah. And he's so smart. He's probably one of the smartest people that I know. But he, like, school is not for him.

He's, like, super lazy. Right. but he like school is not for he's like super lazy right and i this motherfucker dude we met in a class at ccbc at community college yeah it was so weird how it worked out because we sat next to each other and we were like i would say easily like it was just so weird like our whole row was like the smart row it was like a discussion based class and everyone else would just say like the dumbest and it just happened to be that you guys all sat there yeah it was like the smart row it was like a discussion based class and everyone else would just say like the dumbest and it just happened to be that you guys all sat there yeah it was so weird like and like alex would come to class late all the time yeah i remember one time alex wore a baseball hat to class and the professor he's like this old school dude he's really creepy and weird like i

remember he made us read these articles that he wrote but they never got published but he just made them look like articles and they're all about like foot fetishes and like why like why why is foot why it why are foot fetishes so stigmatized like if it makes sense you put your feet together it makes a perfect what to stick a penis to it literally he said that the article said that i swear to god and we had a discussion about this god so he's trying to present his stuff in a general sense and he's like here's the next article i'd like to discuss it's called uh why won't diane fuck me so so like like one class like there's like certain rules like if your professor is late if they're a master's level professor you wait 15 minutes if they're phd you wait 30 right right right i think he had a and then If they're a master's level professor, you wait 15 minutes. If they're PhD, you wait 30.

Right, right, right. I think he had a PhD. And then if they're not there, you're out of there. You get to go. So it was like 35 minutes. Class starts leaving. And he shows up. And we kind of round up some of the other students, some students who stayed.

And then so the next week, Alex comes into class. He has a hat on. And the professor's like, sir, would you mind taking your hat off? And Alex is like, why? Because there is no code. Right. And the teacher's just old school. Yeah.

And Alex is just. It's more like a social code. Yeah. And still to the, like, I still don't think I'd have the balls to talk to a professor this way. Alex was just like, he was like, well, you know, it's not. It's like, you know, just show some respect. And he was like, Alex is like, well, I know, it's not. It's like, you know, just show some respect. And he was like, Alex is like, well, I mean, you showed up super late last week and I was,

I waited for you. I was here. And I was just like, God damn. And the professor was like, whatever. He came over and dapped him up. Yeah. He's like, word. But then our only assignments, they were all tests, but they're all just essay essays two were in class two were take home alex didn't do the two take home tests that's bananas when grades came

up he was gonna fail he went to the professor he's like hey man i'll take my hat off dog can't yeah take my hat off to your great professor no he was just like hey man can i like uh can you let me do this and like dude let him make up he only made up one of them and he still got a c in the class that's amazing amazing i'm not surprised either that alex did that and then another class over at umbc we transferred together alex fucking alex um woke up one day uh and it was like and he woke up and he was like fuck I've totally forgot I have a final today and he missed the final but he was lucky it was snowing that day oh wow so he emailed the professor and you're really painting a picture

of the day by the way yeah I know he was just like hey I'm really sorry like uh you know like it's just snowing I would like it was I wasn't able to get to class I'm. I can picture it. He was just like, hey, I'm really sorry. It's just snowing. I wasn't able to get to class. I'm sorry I missed the final. Can I make it up? And she was like, yeah, our final was last week. Amazing. A week.

A week. Holy shit. And then there's another story where. It was last week. That's so cool. He felt so dumb. I would too. You're trying to lie. Dude, yeah.

My stomach would just drop out. I'd be like, what? Yeah. And then another class, he just didn't, again, do any of the papers. And he tried to ask the professor if he could make them up. And the professor was like, no. So he failed the class. i could imagine like you're paying so much money yeah and just not put any goddamn effort into god amazing oh so good yeah i was the opposite dude like college like i was especially umbc because i transfer there too it was just so much like i

was pretty much all about like where'd you go for transfer from uh chesapeake community college not to brag but everyone should go to community college yeah it saved me so much money making it free now yeah oh in maryland i thought it was just a city maybe the city you're right yeah uh but yeah maryland probably is coming but uh yeah which is great and also, when I transferred, my GPA started over. Yeah. Also, it's easier to, well, it doesn't really matter because it does start over, but it's easier to get good grades at community college.

And then you can get scholarships when you transfer. Yeah. So my dad paid less. My dad paid for college. Nice. He paid, I think he paid like $700 per semester for UMBC. Wow. That's insane. Yeah. So my dad helped me out with the i think he paid like 700 per semester for umbc wow that's that's tight yeah so my dad helped me out with the i got a loan and then he helped me out with the first semester and then he was like i can't do this and i was like all right fam so i got i got

loans that paid for it which was nice yeah but my loans weren't shit so i i got out i got out of taking a final really yeah i was a senior and uh i just me and this professor like we would hang out not hang out but like we would talk a lot yeah and he knew that like i was a good student yeah and uh i emailed him yeah people know you're not a shithead just beyond professors like they'll give you the benefit oh yeah dude like uh he i i heard a rumor this girl was like yeah if you're a graduating senior yeah and you have all a's on everything else like you don't have to take finals which was i i remember that though like so well some professors would do yes so that's probably

what happened then she's like oh it's all of them it wasn't a policy right so i emailed him and i'm like hey dude i heard blah blah blah and he's like he's like i haven't heard this rule but if you come to my office and convince me maybe i'll let you skip it so i go to his office and i'm like he's like okay let's hear it hey and we're back we're back i don't know when uh the batteries died there it's a very professional operation wait but you put the same batteries back in yeah i. I'm a history major. Okay. I didn't claim to be smart.

All right, all right. Let's wrap it up. No, there's different batteries in there. Oh, you switched them. Yes. Where did you have extra batteries? Right there. You moved them.

You put them on the magazine. I don't remember. I'm dumb. Speaking of, I got some cookies. Oh, when we were watching Idiocracy the other day, when he was like, Justin Long's the doctor. He's like, so your shit's all fucked up and you talk like a fag. Plus, I think you're retarded.

Hey, but don't worry. My sister's retarded. Best written lines in cinema. And she's a pilot. Yeah. He's just smoking a cigarette. Your shit's all fucked up. You talk like a fag and plus you think you're retarded.

But don't worry. My sister's retarded. She's a pilot. That is my favorite. God, that should be on a t-shirt. The whole movie's so good. Yeah. Terry Crews is so good.

When he sees him, he's like, you're the smartest man in the world. I thought your head be bigger. That was a really good movie. Goddamn. All right. Let's wrap it up because we've been going a while anyway. Let's see. I'm doing a show New Year's Eve in Fredericksburg, Virginia.

Brian Parisi. Yeah. Really funny. Yeah. Featuring for him. Excited about that. Eddie Morrison hosting. And yeah, it's going to be a nice little night with the lady.

You get a hotel room. It's going to go down there. So I don't know if we have people in the Fredericksburg, Virginia area, but go to coolcowcomedy.com for details. Cute. Yeah. Find us on Facebook and Twitter and all that stuff. And we're not taking a social media break.

Yeah. But come find us, guys, because if we do take a break, it would be nice to come back and be like, God, we're so appreciative. Namaste. I can't think of anything I'm doing. But yeah. Just follow me. First Thursday of every month, Jen and Jokes.

First Thursday, Jen and Jokes come out. And then if you could start buying tickets, February 18th at the Creative Alliance. Yeah. You can go to the website, creativealliance.org or com. I don't know. Buy tickets for mebruary 18th at the creative alliance yeah you can go to the website creative lines.org or com i don't know uh buy tickets for me february 18th and that's uh uh if you're off the next day because it's president's day let's party all right bye everybody digression sessions coming to an end Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah