The Digression Sessions - Ep. 237 - Josh & Umar Christmas, Baby!

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are joined by each other on a snow day in Baltimore. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Also, you're ugly. Why are you so ugly? The kids always notice I drink so much coffee. There's one girl, Angel. She's one of the smart ones who will make something of herself. And her name is Angel.

If it was a movie, he'd be like, are we being a little heavy-handed with the name? Should it just be Jessica? Borderlines, precious. And she walked by, she's like, Mr. Kahn, there's too much coffee. That was where he felt like my cup. You're like, damn, Angel, I'm sorry.

I was like, Angel, you're always on my back. I'm sorry I failed you, God, it's too much coffee. That was where he felt like my cup. You're like, damn, Angel, I'm sorry. I was like, Angel, you're always on my back. I'm sorry I failed you, Angel. She's like, you doing enough sets? You ready for your album recording? Come on, Angel, damn. You getting those raps in, Mr. Cobb? Damn. Oh, man.

It's the earliest we've podcasted. Yeah. It's, well, Merry Christmas to everybody. Oh, yes. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. It's going to be a rough one for me, guys. Umar is over it.

Over the hang. Over it. Over Christmas, you know. Uh-huh. It is, yeah, Merry Christmas to everybody. It's a Saturday morning for us when we record this, though, and a dreary Baltimore morning. It's like 65 degrees. Is it?

Yeah, it feels warm as shit. What the fuck? But yeah, it's like gray and rainy. I mean, I like it, but... Yeah, you're emo like that. Yeah, dude. I'm not some AFI. Be like, yeah, cemeteries. Spiders and spooky things. You ever bury a spider at a cemetery?

My girlfriend's a spider. Like Chris LaMartina, and he's a friend of the pod, local horror movie director. I remember when I first started hanging out with him, we would hang out a lot. It was before he was married married and he was dating somebody. And he would fuck corpses all the time. Oh, dude. No, but he would be like. Because he can't consent.

He was like, hey, man, me and some friends are going to go grab a pizza and eat it in the cemetery. What? I was like, I've never heard of it. Why don't you just eat it in the fucking house? Or like a nice park. Just like people are coming to see their deceased loved ones. Yeah, like pizza. just eat it in the fucking house yeah or like a nice park also like what do you think people are coming to see their love like their deceased loved ones yeah like what pizza what are you guys like emo ninja turtles it's like hey man you want to go hang in the cemetery i guess because

yeah it's so funny can you imagine it's like man it's scary how good this pizza is. I love you guys, man. Let's get out of here before it gets dark. Yeah. So, yeah. Merry Christmas to everybody. Hope it was good. Yeah. Yeah. Umar and I hung for a little bit last night.

Then you went to a party. Got a little into it. Too much good times. I came back in like 30 minutes. Yeah. Karen let the dog out this morning. She's like, Umar's passed out on the couch watching TV. And I was like, really?

She's like, I don't know. Maybe he's there all night. I was like, I don't think so. No, I wasn't there all night. Because we made pizza at like 1 a.m. I kept waking up in the middle of the night. My stomach was fucking hurting like hell. Yeah.

And then I just had this headache. And I couldn't get cold. And it was so hot. And I was like, all right, I'll just try to watch TV. TV helps me fall asleep. I'll wake up. I'll move. It's a little cooler downstairs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was there for like three hours. Dang. Dang. Having a rough one. Yeah, I went too hard in the paint Tuesday, which was a dumb move. And I was like, why am I in the middle of the week? I do it every time I feel stupid.

And now I want it to work out. I can't work out he's on his old man swag right now it's like sweatpants thermal shirt big ass socks and he's like hunched over making eggs and it's like what do you do he's like what hurts to stand up you're like making weird noise like speeding up my death process yeah it is uh yeah it's always always feels so dumb it's like why did i what every time i'm like i'm never doing that again but i was drinking trulies and those are like water truly yeah and i had food dude i hate they had like chili i eat cheesecake like how did i get so when i had too much good times though like because i had good times with a cookie yeah the

mix the mix oh we had champagne and then we had truly it's all like yeah yeah it was it was fun a little bit of champagne oh that was a little bit of champagne in the kitchen uh last night and uh discussing transgender issue i'm like not sober some real yuppie shit yeah it's like well here's the thing about terminology yeah well i think you should yeah say these words yeah it was uh yeah overall good times man yeah we're all good good times so uh so yeah it's Christmas, and I'm at my aunt and uncle's today doing a Yankee swap. What's that? Last minute Yankee swap. Like an elephant thing?

Yeah. We all get around and we chop up an elephant. It's like the end of Apocalypse Now. I've only heard of a white elephant. Oh, it's a Yankee. Yeah. Oh, we only have white elephants at our house as well. Okay.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean okay you know what i mean you know what i mean you know what i mean i got you uh it's uh it's a thing where it's like uh so say there's like 10 people you have numbers one through 10 then you pick out a hat like number two gets to go first then they get the first pick of all the okay pick what they want it's revealed. Yep. It's a white elephant. It's a different name, I think. Yeah, I guess, yeah.

White people are reclaiming it. We're Yankees. It's a Yankee swap. It's a Yankee. So what? Yeah, I don't know. But it was like a last minute thing. Like my aunt and uncle the week before, like, oh, by the way, we're doing a Yankee swap. And it's like, come on, man.

Yeah, because they need to buy shit. Yeah. It's like the rules of what what to buy how much money yeah i mean there's a 20 limit which is good but it's also like you know i wasn't prepared for this my my girlfriend did my girlfriend is like uh i went to her work party last week and uh we had to leave because i guess i was like you know sometimes i'm just rude word okay that's not why we left but like i kept like uh i was just talking shit about people and she's like umar they're right there i was like okay okay because like just you know like people come up to me and they're just like this guy mikey's like oh he's like i'm gonna come to your show and i was like and i was like okay cool man and he said i'm gonna your show. And I was like, okay, cool, man. And he's like, I'm going to heckle you. And I was like, okay, then don't come.

He's like, oh, you scared I'm going to upstage you? So then I just got annoyed and I went a little hard. Yeah. And then it was fine. Yeah. It is funny when it's like joking, joking, joking. And then you reach this line where people are like, ugh. I know.

So I kept doing dumb shit like that. karen is like like her work friends are really nice but she's like the weird one right right she's the alternative one yeah she's like eccentric and she was she we woke up one morning and she was like having she's nervous about something with her job and she's like am i and i hate using this word but like do you think they think i'm like hippie gay like hippie dippy and i was like yes i thought you were hippie dippy when i met you oh it's like kind of granola yeah because she's like really into like yoga and like plants and all this shit you know plants are dope though yeah but i and then so for her white elephant she's like yeah i think i'm just gonna go get a like a plant from b willow

she's like i brought a box of my compost like damn girl yeah you hippie she's like i think i'm just gonna bring a plant from b willow i was like okay karen actually my karen uh actually did that she got like two little um not atrium but it's like these little balls with like little like shit in there yeah and so she got well it looked nice and i was like dude i would appreciate this yeah our circle of friends would be like i don't think those people that you work with with and it was i guess it was fine but she had a lot of me and then someone did make fun of it just joking uh right right right like of course someone brought a plant i wonder who did that go to is just like uh everyone else brought like a red wine bottle and she's swimming in hemp oil she's like fuck you yeah what do you make it uh we got a pizza in the oven pizza nine ten o'clock well it's for karen my karen she's a

savage damn it's like i'm gonna eat i'm gonna eat some of that pizza too and have some of uh blue apron for sure i'm gonna go back to bed hell yeah i'm so fucking it is kind of i love i kind of love that feeling though of when um when you're like out of the hangover to the a little better where you feel yeah you don't feel like like oh if i move one inch to the left i going to throw up and shit my pants at the same time. It's a nice excuse to be lazy. Yeah. But that.

Yeah. It's good to be lazy. And then you can also get to that. Like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Like, yeah. You're in like survival mode. You're like, who gives a fuck?

Yeah. Like, I'm going to eat pizza. Blue apron. Walking out of the house. Dress. Dude, dude i look so silly i've never dressed like this you really haven't i never am like in jammies or like i'm kind of enjoying it this is the most unkempt i think i've ever seen yeah i'm so fucked yeah normally it's like not even me hungover but i'm just like waking up at 11 a.m on saturday yeah has like 19 tote bags full of like produce he's like what are you up to he's like well i went for a run uh i did a little charity work

and then i hit the farmer's market now i'm gonna make my own squash fucking soup like oh cool being a hippie dippy guys i no i don't know i'm the weird one too at work it's funny like yeah it's it makes no sense like people are like god umar you such a little hipster and i'm like just because i get it i dress a certain way i get that i think yeah it's the same way that i i think it's just easier for people to be like you just check a few boxes it's like tight jeans hoodie glasses beard coffee boom hipster i'm like well you guys are all jews i gotta go light on that jew humor ever since uh you know that local hotel uh tv broadcast oh my god i forgot about that i think we talked about oh yeah that was bad i know i'm gonna try to reach out to her though i think you gotta let

that sleeping dog no i know just that'd be funny though like hey i'll remember me uh if you don't go through our chat history on facebook and you'll see that i made disparaging comments on my podcast about your people anyway all in good fun anyway um i'm a school psychologist who's trying to do a stand-up album so you know you know, any kind of... If I could promote. Yeah. The first question would be like, so, you think Jewish jokes are funny? I'm just like, well...

I think all jokes are funny. And you can come see them in February. Yeah. All jokes matter, man. Hashtag. How was I supposed to know Wiener was a Jewish name? I didn't know that. All right.

Let's move away from this. Getting too specific now. Not a lot of Wiener broad a Jewish name. I didn't know that. All right, let's move away from this. Getting too specific now. Not a lot of wiener broadcasters out there. I think there are a lot of wiener broadcasters. I mean, we are. I'm a wiener broadcaster. There you go. I'm not a loser.

I'm a wiener. You know what I mean? Oh, the Beck song? No, I was just making a play on winter. Oh. Come on. Keep up, man. Dude. Come on. up man come on started hurting your stomach did i'm gonna hunch over yeah let me get a picture of uh of uh umis for the pot

you look like you're taking a shit i know uh fuck what were we talking about oh you're not well no like being the weird one because i have that at work too where it's like i'd show it like uh on tuesday i was like you know i'm just gonna wear jeans and tuesday is like a core day so everybody cords core in that like um no one can telework on that day so everybody has to come in so we had our office party which i didn't realize so it's like you know what i'm just gonna dress super casual today and then i was like i'm not gonna see anybody because i didn't know we had the party and then hey everybody report i was like god damn it um but people say something no no no it's just like you know it's it's fine like you know um

it's not like i was like wearing like a sleeveless shirt and smoking camels. Yeah, you have a fucking WWE Heartbreak Kid t-shirt. Shout out to Omar. Yeah, exactly. My buddy Omar is hosting a weekend at the Improv with Ron Funges. You see a picture of him on stage, and he has a fucking Shawn Michaels Heartbreak Kid shirt on. Massive flannel.

Crazy hair and beard. He looks like he walked out of a trailer park to do stand-up. And then we were there the next night and he was wearing a different Heartbreak Kid t-shirt. Different wrestling shirt, yeah. And I'm like, are you carving out the weirdest niche in comedy history? Props to you, man.

Yeah, he's the wrestling shirt guy. But yeah, so we went to that thing. And then I ended up having to sit next to my boss, who's really cool. I like her a lot. She has a really good sense of humor. And then somehow, the whole table was just all women. And Lisa, my boss, she was like, just to get the conversation going, she's like, all right, so what are people's Christmas plans? Not like in a corny way. Yeah, yeah, get the conversation going she's like all right so what

are people's like christmas plan not like in a corny way yeah so it's like all right so we're talking about it and like i was like oh for new year's i'll be i'm doing stand-up and bringing my girl with me and we're you know bonbon and she was like where and i was like oh fredericksburg virginia and she was like oh what hotel and i was like oh the marriott she's like is that a cool cow comedy i was like yes yes it is wow that's crazy she knew all that she was like oh she was like with little dick rami master five i said what he's got the tiniest dick in show business big heart though big big heart uh but i was like yeah it's it's uh yeah it's gonna be a lot of fun and she was like oh oh that's great like how long do you normally do? And I was like, about 20, 25 minutes.

And then when I do comedy, it's probably, I don't know, maybe around the same time. So that got a laugh. And she's like, no. So we just kept going back and forth. And then she was like, all right, no need to make it dirty. And then somebody else was saying something. And she was like, wow, you're really giving us the blow by blow and i was like lisa come on you just set me up here so it's cool it's like fun to be because they're like oh it's the comedian and we could like fuck

around it's so inappropriate at my job yeah we sit around the lunch table and this one woman was like they were i talked about this on stage a couple weeks ago, but I eat lunch with a group of black women I work with, and a lot of it's sex talk. And they'll be like, hey, Miss Graves, are you a DW? And they're like, what? And I was like, what's a DW? She's like, mm-hmm, sure am. And I was like, what is a DW? Apparently, DW is dick watcher.

And they just look at everyone's crotch wait they try to guess how big their dick is but wait how does that work it's like uh you just like yeah like you know like we walk around and look at women's bodies i think it's it's like um there's a certain amount of points per dick like weight watchers like there's a point system so if you have a white dick that's less points yeah and then they started talking about people who have big bulges and don't and like i wear like the tightest pants out in the whole school out of every one and i don't have a button i'm just like god damn it they're watching your dick yeah they're like mr khan i don't know okay man you're like a one point dick

i snack on your dick all day i wouldn't gain an ounce yeah i understand yeah it was so inappropriate hilarious w that's awesome though like i don't think uh white chicks would ever do that like i watch dicks like it's so great to just have it all out in the open i had a go worker i work at two schools this girl this human being this fine woman no not like she came to she's her first year she comes to work late sometimes uh-huh and uh you know you shouldn't go to work late but you know what happens i guess i think her for her happens a lot but usually like see um i'm a school psychologist she's a speech pathologist. And usually there's only one of us at a school, but sometimes there's two if the school's really big.

So at her school where there's two, she came in like 15 minutes late one day. And then the other one, this girl's like 27. She wrote an email to her, to the principal, assistant principal, and both of her supervisors down at Central Avenue and CC'd the girl on it and just informing them that she was 15 minutes late to work. Dang. Who the fuck does that? Wow. Who cares?

I don't know. Who cares that much? Dude, it's... You're an adult and you're ratting on people like that? I would fucking kill somebody. That is unbelievably insane. Petty. Super petty.

I can understand. And her reasoning. She's like, I just wanted to come. I just wanted them to hear it from me. They would have never heard it. Also, what? They're going to feel betrayed. They're like, why didn't you come to us first?

It's like, shut the fuck up. They want you to tattle on her. They don't give a fuck. Nothing worse than fucking snitches. Especially at work. It's like shut the fuck up like you they want you to tattle on her they don't give a fuck nothing worse than fucking snitches especially at work it's like come on man yeah like so i got here a few minutes late get the fuck out it's never happened to me thank god yeah yeah well i mean that's because you're so imposing yeah man i'm like i fucking dare you to send that email have you seen my dick is that what imposing means yeah okay well sort of yeah i guess um yeah i never really i i had one chick where it was like yeah we used to have to write in on the time sheet like manually like you have to like write it in pen and one day oh yeah i have to do

that actually yeah i was a little late and uh cindy came over and she was like so i got in at this time and then i noticed you right and it's like hey man fuck off you know like what the fuck like it's not like it was like three hours it's like did you change it no god no fucking cindy dude dude cindy she's uh she's pretty particular, that Cindy. I remember, but when I first started, there was this chick, was it Corinne was her name? Older woman, and her whole job was just like to track people's time, so she would collect all the sheets. And she was like, I remember when I first started, I wrote like the exact time, so it was like 7.32. And she called me, she's like the exact time. So it was like 7.32. And she called me. She's like, can you come down to my cube?

And I was like, okay. Oh, no. So I go over there and she's like, she has like the old lady glasses like just hanging on like the end of her nose. And she's like looking over me. She's like, what is this? And I was like, oh, it's just a time. She's like, if it's not a zero or a five, I don't look at it. So it's like you're either there at 730 or 735.

Like, no. It's like, okay. And then later. And so I was like on her bad side. And I was like, oh, man, I really don't want to piss her off because she's in charge of the time. And then a few weeks later, she's like, come down to my queue. It's like, down with my cue it's like oh my god and then but this time she has like um those like uh those paper like ads that like used to come in

the mail of like coupons and shit like that like sprawled all over the place and she just looks at me she's like should i get an ipad or a tablet we hadn't spoken about it before it's so funny who would know this yeah that young white nerd i got called over the intercom to come to the principal's office i was like fuck it's just never a good feeling and uh so i go to what like little dick umar yeah even when you're an adult you're just like god damn it And so I go to, what? Like little Dick Oumar. Yeah. Even when you're an adult, you're just like, God damn it. All the kids are like, ooh. Yeah.

So I go and the principal's like, I hear you make Starbucks runs. Can you go to Starbucks for me? I'm just like, what? She gave me a $5 bill to get her a fucking, I was like, God damn it. And like, I didn't want to say no. I love that. She's like, where it is, you get coffee. Yeah, because everyone's like, oh, Mr. Kong gets coffee a lot.

Yes. She's like, Angel ratted you out. Angel tells me. Yeah, but that woman retired eventually. Her and I became pretty close, though. It was nice. It was good. She's on her iPad right now now but it's up beat up yeah it was she had like terrible vision so she's like and i was like well i would just go

like go to best buy and just like check them out and she read if she can't read an ipad i think she could but like i looked over at her monitor and it was like super zoomed in like the icons were like one by one just like massive yeah this woman's in control of inputting my time she's like josh worked 22 minutes this two weeks like oh good oh man you uh are you going you're going to your family for christmas this year yeah yeah going to my aunt and uncles and uh uh yeah that's that's the plan we might stop by we're gonna go to karen's on christmas eve and like bake some stuff oh that's nice yeah it'll be fun it'll be cute and then i think uh her mom is angling for us to go to like mass or something maybe on christmas morning sounds fun dude i mean

i guess i'm just kidding it sounds terrible i just catch fire as soon as i walk in yeah wait outside god it's gonna be so christmas mass dude it's gonna be so long because she's catholic right yes oh they do everything i went to a funeral for a co-worker and like i didn't know him that well but like we would talk and he was a good dude and it was a really sad story so i went to his funeral and this shit yeah god i was like it was literally three and a half hours i was like i don't know this motherfucker that well wow three hour funeral come on yeah maybe like an hour like do all this weird shit like uh yeah like eat shit like uh you know they pass out the

wafers but if you're not catholic you i don't know you don't eat it or something it was crazy priest just give you the to support this dude's family and now i'm being discriminated against i mean i showed up here to mourn now i'm eating the body of christ it was so funny it was like people playing guitar i was like you could have cut that one out that one no you got a rock for the dead dude i'll need an acoustic guitar session i'm gonna need you to play uh's My Age Again at my funeral. That's why I was invited. Now, here to rock us, it's Umar Khan.

I remember when I was young, I would have dumb fantasies like, man, if I die, I want Adam's song to be playing at my funeral. You're like, I was 27 years old. But then it means I killed myself. And then if you think about it, like, just like, okay, someone would have to go press play. And then a room full of silent, like, Pakistani people and older, like, friends are just listening to Adam's song quietly. And that's how your mom finds out you spilled the apple juice in the hallway. Yeah, and then someone forgets to turn it off and it quickly goes into the party song

uma i didn't know you spilled the apple juice in the hall why you no tell me my mom called me the other day she was crying she uh she called me twice the night before and i just ignored it because i was hanging out with k and she called me at like 6.40 in the morning yesterday and was like, I didn't sleep all night. I've just been worried about you. And I was like, what the fuck? She's like, why do you say those things?

She's like, I was at the club. Yeah. I was getting bottle service and damn, I was partying. She's like, why do you say those things on Facebook? I was like, what are you talking about? Because I don't even remember saying anything crazy. Usually she gets mad if I say i'm gonna kill myself and she'll

always call me yeah i mean that's a fair yeah i guess for a parent that's fair but she'll fucking uh she called me because i made a 9-11 joke i said something like since it's been 17 or 16 years since 9-11 i started saying the bomb again which is very in that but my mom doesn't know the saying the bomb so she just i don't know what she thinks she just thinks i'm like a crazy person who's just like fuck you united states government she's like you can't tell me what to do umar you can't build bomb in basement yeah and she's like they will get you and i was like mom no they won't she's like please don't say those things i was like mom i'm gonna say whatever i want i already told you i'm gonna say whatever i want i think my mom is the number one person trying to censor me she's just worried about you she's

on the news right now have you seen what my son wrote they've taken my boy it's just all out of context yeah she was praying he was praising 9-11 and he didn't mean to 9-11 is the bomb right right i did want to write after that to say like for example 9-11 is the bomb but i was like that's too much yeah that's too much yeah yeah well i mean if you believe in conspiracy theories that there were bombs in the building i saw today on the news the first thing i saw when i opened the tv they uh the flor Florida man, like a hick. I guess he converted to Islam. Shout out to Florida man. Yeah, shout out to converted Islam Florida man. He was kicked out of the military.

He didn't report his asthma. And then I guess he was fucking wheezing and he couldn't hack it in training. So he was salty about that. So his next logical move, I think this guy just wanted to kill people because he's like, I guess I'm going to have to join ISIS now.

Damn. Got to join ISIS now. Just a redneck like, wow, I guess this is another way for me to kill. Oh, I'm going to serve all right. Yeah. So, yeah. So, like, I guess he was hired by ISIS to, like, he had all these guns and, uh he was gonna drive through some christmas thing and kill people but they got him and but then they're interviewing like all his florida neighbors and

it's just like come on man don't do that just fuck you so sad come on man it also it takes the uh the edge off of it too if he's like, death to America. Yeah. He has an asthma attack during the terrorist attack. And they're like, do we administer CPR on you? He's like, come on, man. Yeah, he just

looked like this super redneck dude who was so funny. Yeah, I love that all the crazy stories always come out of florida always so good you ever see the video that woman that got naked and just like destroyed a mcdonald's yeah oh i feel that was a basalt thing i think so i feel bad for it like because you know i think she was pretty embarrassed but the video is pretty good i don't know if i remember i think i remember hearing about it like uh she just straight up gets naked hops over the counter and everybody's like okay like the employees and she like knocks over like the ice cream machine and shit like there's like a lot of fucking damage god damn there's so many terrible mcdonald videos like

where that one guy just started beating well he just started beating the shit out of this lady with like some rod because she like she got hyped and jumped the counter he was defending himself and it was great is it the other way around i thought the women beat him or maybe they started to like oh because yeah i was in new york he was like don't come back here i will fuck you up and uh and they got i think i remember bill burr uh like he talked about that and someone overlaid bill burr talking about like like oh brutal fucking brutal i mean dude like i have a lot of kids that i work with uh who work in mcdonald's like in west baltimore like they must deal with like horrendous shit all the time yeah yeah like people like not wanting to pay for shit just horrendous attitudes like oh man yeah i think

everybody should work in the service industry for one year i never have i was like i've done retail a bunch yeah maybe retail accounts but it's like but no one's that bad like service i think when it comes to food people are way different yeah it's just they're so shitty like the same way that in like israel you have to serve in the army for two years i think oh yeah you should have to work for like a year like one saturday a fucking week or month or something i think everyone should work shitty like i've been working since i was 13 i remember i made uh $4 an hour when I was 13, which was illegal. They found a loophole in the law, this pool that I work for. They're going over a sheet.

They're just like, okay. It just says, is brown. They're like, yep, there it is. That's the loophole. Documents are all in order here. They're just explaining that to a 13 year old me and he's like okay so i'm like my unibrow is all the way up i'm like what has unibrow yeah i work in the snack bar unibrow over here and i remember it was only five hour shifts and it was so boring it was so boring actually you know what a good name

uh pakistani guy with uh uh or a guy in isis with a unibrow unibomber is pretty good yeah that's pretty good dude it sucks having unibrow sure yeah i don't get it i get like some strays in there like in the middle if i let my shit go whoo it would just be but like a triangle down here oh really it's it's bad i didn't start shaving until i was like 13 look karen rolling in with just a blanket on everybody's having a tough morning i'm fucked up i'm like i used to sit in school all the time i used to sit and take notes like this. Really? Yeah, because I was always sleepy, dude. Yeah, as you say, you have to fall asleep though, right? I know.

One time I remember I got yelled at for sleeping. I was like so embarrassed because I was such a good kid. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, it was my first. I was in community college, but I was a senior in high school. Yeah, yeah. So I did like that parallel enrollment program. Yeah, I did that too.

The psych professor is such a ball buster he was like this very funny uh like big jewish man he was so funny like his classes were the best and uh and i remember he showed a video and i just like i would always run before the class and um and then i was always tired and then so i was just sitting with my chin on the desk during a movie and my eyes closed and he came up behind me whispered he's like if you ever fall asleep in my class again i will kick you out and i just felt so embarrassed i was so scared damn i was like i don't want to get a bad grade damn we had uh there was a dude in 10th grade no sorry it's a good podcast move real quick there's uh karen brought him a gift from work and it's a mason jar with gloves in it and umar just asked if it was cake sometimes

people put cake in jars you ever see that no no i maybe they don't i mean maybe that i mean that actually sounds like a shop that could open up right down the street from us. Yeah, Jar Cakes. Have you fucking got a Jar Cake, dude? It's so good. Just a bunch of... Isn't jar like a military thing? Jarhead? Jarhead.

Yeah, I forget what the jar... A bunch of Jarheads fucking putting cake in... Yeah, it's like how you rehabilitate, like coming back. I used to stuff ammunition now i stuff cakes for america oh wait what you had a college story oh um i was with these fucking jar heads no it was uh it was 10th grade and uh yeah he would like kick the desk of people that would like fall asleep yeah i'm like jesus christ a little intense and you're like these are children oh yeah we had teachers you know we had some fucking like now that i think about it like so many teachers could get fired like a fucking teacher called me stupid in front of the whole class dude she literally went because i was so bad at math like to this day i can't do fractions and like well i, well, I mean, I can because I did.

I had to take remedial math class in college, and I crushed it. And I was like, oh, I just didn't pay attention in high school. You're like, math 032? Yeah. Smashed it. I'm like, oh, 3 plus 3? What's up, bitch? Blah, blah.

Yeah. No, but I had to take, like, pretty much the equivalent to, like, algebra 2 and pre-calculus in college. Yeah. in order to be able to take higher level math classes. And I got 100% in that class. Nice. And I was like, oh, yeah, you never tried. I never read textbooks in high school. I never studied.

Yeah. I didn't do shit in high school. No, I tried. I tried real hard. Really? Well, also, my math teacher is one of my favorite teachers, so that made it more fun. Damn, I fucking cheated my whole way through high school uh yeah i mean that was a part of it too but hey well i mean once i made it to community like community colleges of i did yeah i did

algebra and then pre-calc and i think that's as far as i go yeah i had to take stats everyone has to take stats if you're like a social science oh yeah that was like the best i didn't have to do that just like not math it's like who gives a fuck we're gonna break down statistics on this podcast what stats dude it's just looking at like human behavior uh through numbers but like it's just like really easy calculation so like you know you whenever like anytime you look at a study with like this group improve better into this medicine than this group like right that's all like stat formulas yeah yeah like if you fuck up early it's gonna fuck everything else up like yeah because you're building oh my god that's what i always heard

you're like oh dude my stats final yeah people made such a big deal it was like i think that's the one thing it's just like, you just have to read your... Literally read your textbook. I read every textbook ever. Yeah. I tried it now and algebra was good. We are just pieces of shit. Totally.

Pre-calc was good. It was weird. There's a kid that sat in front of me. One day he just wasn't there. And then the professor, she came up. She's like, some of you may have noticed that Brian's not here. Oh, no. He died in a car accident.

Died in a car accident over the weekend. Okay, let's get started. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to go, just kidding. He dropped out. Oh, my God. are they allowed to do that yeah she loosened her collar she's like he dropped out of this earth high five someone in front row this class minus brian equal us because he's dead you know that

i've never had that happen uh my friends our friends sasha and andrew they have this crazy story they went to school up in uh sasha grew up in portland oregon and uh they went to like uh the school like her brother or sister was a couple years ahead of her and like uh his class or like maybe while he was there, like the graduating seniors, they took a trip up to like this lodge in the mountains. And they had the worst snowstorm out of nowhere. And the whole class got stranded. And like I think literally everyone died except for one or two people. Oh, my God.

How? They just got like stuck? They couldn't get to them they died of hunger and cold whoa wait where were they just in their cars or up in the mountains like really like yeah in a lodge and no one could get to them and they fucking died whoa nuts did they eat each other or try i don't think so i don't know i don't think so i don't know if i would be able to do that i mean once your survival kicks in like like if there's if there's like 13 people and then two of them die man you're gonna try to eat those yeah that's true people fuck that's what uh that um oh that yeah that soccer team

yeah yeah yeah and then it has to suck to like what have you just started digging in on somebody and the rescue crew shows up like you literally take your first bite of human flesh you're like ah no we weren't doing yeah you're just wiping blood off your god and who how would you decide who you eat you know it's just like whoever's dead no but i mean like let's say you're the only one living you get to pick oh yeah i would pick the healthiest person. You think so? I bet the fatty ones taste good. Yeah, but I don't know what they ate.

You know what I mean? Like, it's the difference between eating, like, free-ranged organic meat versus, like, shady, just... But we're also talking texture, too. Somebody that's, like, super fit. It's going to be, like, sinewy and tough. You know? Can you imagine breaking flesh with your mouth?

Ugh. Ugh. That's how I come, dude. That's what I imagine. Just blood all over your sheets. That's how I like it. That's how I like it. Damn, dude.

How are you feeling after two Pedialyte pops? Bad. My stomach hurts. I think I'm just more sick than I am hungover, I guess. Yeah. Because I did feel sick yeah i've been drinking water i'll drink some more when i get up yeah pedialyte pops have been pretty tight yeah it's like you know that was like my go-to thing when i was sick when i was young

ginger ginger ale with pedialyte yeah so yeah it was like drink flat ginger ale yeah also but it's just like ridiculous because yeah because just consuming insane amounts of sugar, which will just make you more tired because your glucose levels spike and you crash. Yeah, and it's not good for your stomach either. Dude, the advice like, God, my parents did something. Well, I had it too where it was like eat saltines and flat ginger ale. It's like, okay, ginger ale just like uh sometimes doesn't have caffeine but mostly mostly sugar like corn syrup and then saltines is just like just useless carbs doesn't have real ginger in it no yeah a thousand percent and these are fucking doctors telling my mom this shit i'm

like yeah let him smoke camels yeah yeah well he like you makes he went to school for so long and this week all right you know just some saltine yeah that is in medical school like as we all know with his tummy ache yeah that's like a question on their final people like oh what are those crackers called maltines no that's not it i dude i think i fucked my body up because like my parents every time like we get a little bit sick they would take us to the doctor and we would get antibiotics and they just they like would used to hand them out like candy yeah and now like they fucking aren't going to be effective in like 20 years because people wouldn't finish them either yeah well dude do you know how many

fucking bottles i've never finished because i didn't know that when i was young i was like oh i'm better yeah even in college yeah remember it being like stress to me. But yeah, there's definitely times when I'm like, no, I'm not taking the final three. I feel fine. Yeah. And then you're like, oh, that's just how the now the germs are like becoming resistant to it because you didn't fucking kill him all the way. I was taking probiotics for a while, but I was like, I don't know, $60 a month for this

bullshit. Oh, my God. It's so well. You were getting them at mom's. They're so expensive. I did a lot of research. Yeah. On them. And because because most of them are garbage like most of them don't do anything right yeah i found i found the one a company that like has like all the legit good stuff and then i asked my doctor friend and she was like i mean it won't hurt you but i don't know if there's enough

research to suggest that it'll help you unless you're taking like a big dose of antibiotics yeah that's the only thing i hear is when you're taking antibiotics just to balance yeah but a lot of like health people like i take a probiotic every day and i was like okay i'll do this and i was like this is too much money i think it's going to be one of those fad things like in 10 years that everybody's gonna be like yeah remember when you're like spending all like i also heard too when you're like you're juicing shit like a lot of the nutrients are they're gone because you break up all the fibers yeah and also did you i forgot what podcast and i told i used to tell my friends i think i would tell rahil this because he was juicing he was getting to juicing or i can't remember who it was but juicing fruits is really bad because

uh you are breaking down all the fibers that the sugars are in yeah so i'm a double mint guy dude huh juicy fruit terrible for you double mint right i don't know i like that yellow oh i used to call it the yellow one when i was young i'm like mom can you give me the yellow gum god my parent just going to the grocery store they would call robo tussin robbie tussin robbie and i literally called it that until i dated this girl when i was like 22 and she's like what the fuck did you call it? I'm like, I don't know. Robbie Tussin sounds like a rapper. Yeah.

Yo, I'm on that Tussin. Robbie Tussin. I'm on that Tuss tip. But what was I talking about? Robo Tussin is Robo Cop's brother who became a doctor. All right. Eat some saltines. Eat some saltines eat some saltines um uh sorry what were you saying oh yeah yeah uh juicing fruits yeah i

forgot what podcast it was probably ours it's very informational educational that's true i think it was rogan and uh yo this comic who was trying to get in shape, because they were like, okay, you need to start eating healthy or you're going to be diabetic. And so he just started juicing. Oh, yeah. And it made it way worse. And he got diabetes from juicing. But he was working out the whole time. That was Dean Del Rey.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And just like, could you fucking imagine, dude? You're working out. Excuse me. You're working out. dean del rey oh okay yeah yeah and just like could you fucking imagine dude you're doing like you're working out excuse me you're working out and you fucking he's just drinking these juices like man i'm being so healthy and you know the doctor like like all right i guess you didn't listen to our advice you have type 2 diabetes yeah i've been working like i've been killing

myself like trying to stay in shape it was a six-pack you realize like how much sugar like is in everything too and then like as a kid it's like have orange juice with your cereal they're like oh my god those huggy hugs like in the barrel yeah my friends and i like four of us would complete a box of those in a night yeah sleepover dude i had a um my our parents literally go to jail for the shit they let us eat my dad had um like a small vending machine thing for a while like business where he bought like i think like i don't know we'll say like 10 little like half like vending machine things and then would like put them in like little shops and then when he stopped doing it we just had him in our crawl

space yeah and i was like i'm gonna take one of these because he had a fridge of them like one for sodas and then one and then like took i took all the stuff out of it so it's just like an empty fridge yeah put that shit in my closet and then like my grandma would buy me literally like a case of like soda oh my grandpa was in the navy so they could shop at the commissary on the naval base nice i remember that she'd buy me a fucking like case of like orange like soda and grape soda and then be like i also got you a five pound bag of hot tamales so i'm just drinking soda water eating hot tamales and like playing video games i'm like does life get better than that like dude like if my metabolism wasn't good i would have been fat as fuck yeah Yeah, you're lucky, dude, because I used to eat like that, and I was fucking fat, dude. It sucked.

I should have been so gross. And Ryan used to eat like that, and he was always skating, that motherfucker. Metabolism, dude. Dude, I know. He's so lucky. Yeah. Dude, that's unbelievable. Yeah.

Well, it's funny when I watch people still eat that way. Like, well, I don't want to out him, but a guest who did our podcast, he came over. He ate two bags of Funyuns and had a big soda from 7-Eleven. Yeah. But I eat like shit like that, too. I don't know. I think you just have to you have to just balance it. Plus, like, yeah, I just feel guilt.

Like, I have like I have like really bad body issues. So, like, dude, I look in the mirror every day and Karen always has to be like, you're not fat. yeah like yeah i just feel guilt like i have like i have like really bad body issues so like dude i look in the mirror every day and karen always has to be like you're not fat stop doing that and i'm like hey this is like a morning ritual all right you dumb bitch if you can't handle me pinching my belly fat and you don't deserve me not pinching it uh it's yeah it's nuts but so like last night i ate that's a very progressive role reversal though good for you all right i like the woman being like you're not fat you're like shut up oh i fucked up the other week dude because she was like i gained weight and i

was like dude you look fine and she was like she's like yeah but i gained weight and i was like and then i didn't know what to say so i was just like okay well you know that's good because like now you know and then she was just like you're not supposed to say that i think i overheard it you're like as long as you gain weight in them titties it's fine yeah i did not say that but there's no good response to that yeah it's uh like you know you want to if like if you think you gain weight and you want to encourage someone to like i know you can't if it's especially as a woman well what you gotta do is you go uh let's get some gym memberships you and uh you know what i mean no no she looks great just lean into it like listen we'll get gym memberships we'll roll your fat ass i'm sure they have an electric scooter We'll dump you off

Well, yo Get you down there, you'll grease up some treadmills We'll grease the doors to fit you through Yeah, grease the doors, grease the treadmills You can slip by the little two arms on the side Alright, you little fatty Huh? Little winker

Oh, man Yeah, but like, she'll be like rubbing my belly And I just don't like it She's like, it's so cute I'm like, no Get out of here don't look at it i'm having a fat day yeah sometimes i do dude i'm jealous of those people that like don't work out but their faces still look skinny like i feel like if i'm like eating pizza and like like if i eat like pizza and have like three beers the night before i'm like i got fat face yeah i feel the way about my belly but also like i get bloated easily it takes i've been

taking gas x which are i gotta look into the long-term use of gas x it's not good probably not good like my man dr drew says there's no free lunch in nature that's true but like you know what the fuck what the fuck think about Think about before anyone gave a shit. Like, president's moms are smoking and drinking whiskey. You know what I mean? They're fine. That's why we got to make America great again. I see where you're going with this.

Yeah, Trump eats burgers all day. It is weird. It's like, God. The burger goes to Japan. How are you not dead? How are you not dead? Also, like, you grew up rich. Why don't you have good taste in food?

Like, motherfucker, you should be eating. God, just like, God, I'd be crushing just really nice restaurants. Literally, they did a side, like, when he went to Japan and he was sitting with the prime minister over there, they're like, when Obama went to visit, like, you have access to the best food. Like, Obama got sushi from that Jiro guy. Oh, my God. Literally, you come over, you can get the best stuff. And then he basically got a recreation of McDonald's.

Yeah. That's when Trump went. Like a really common fast food joint. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to think that Jiro's a little bit racist while he's serving Obama. He's talking shit. I was like, man man black people love zushi jiro dreams of a pure like damn jiro have you seen that documentary it's so good he's like sushi is what i dream of

but you are my nightmare he did like a pop-up thing in new york or something and my friends went to it oh Oh, really? It was like $400. Man. I don't know. I couldn't pull that trigger. Man. Yeah.

Ooh, $400? That's too much. I know. I think my threshold is $200. Yeah. I would do $200 to splurge on the best sushi in the world. Yeah. There's also like that restaurant in Chicago that was featured on Chef's table where they do all the crazy designs top text oh can you see it sorry what'd you say um uh jiro sushi something no there's that really nice restaurant in chicago

oh oh sorry chicago yeah like aletta or something that was featured on chef's table yeah yeah Jiro Sushi something. No, there's that really nice restaurant in Chicago. Oh, sorry. Chicago, yeah. Like Aletta or something that was featured on Chef's Table. Yeah, yeah. Bored a $600 meal. I wish Karen was down here because she would know. I'm blanking on the guys. Yeah, but he's like, you know, he almost died and had throat cancer or whatever.

Tongue. Tongue, yeah. Which is, God, what a tale. Yeah, I mean, yeah yeah to anybody that hasn't watched chef's table like please fucking watch that shit god it's yeah yeah the story god i'm blanking on the guy's name um yeah and karen tells me the name all the time like tongue cancer they told him he couldn't live so yeah yeah it starts out like so chef's table it's like some of these people you feel are so fucking like up their own ass and pretentious

and like this guy. So they're kind of slow rolling and showing some of like the stuff that he does. And literally he serves his food on a aroma pillow where it's like a plastic like pillow case essentially that they like. They fill with like. Aroma. Yeah, exactly. Like basically like a fucking humidifier full of like herbs and stuff that they shoot they fill with like like yeah exactly like basically like a fucking humidifier

full of like herbs and stuff that they shoot in there and then they poke it with like tiny holes and then they put the plate on there so when you press down on the plate a little bit of aroma comes out and it's like because that's why uh uh smell is the uh link to memory so when you think of this you're like oh my god it was so good and you're like you're like what the fuck is your fucking and then uh you find out later that he was he was a chef at a restaurant and then he was working under people and then somebody gave him an opportunity to open his own restaurant and he's all stressed out by it and he had a like a weird like little white thing on his tongue and he thought it was from biting it and then eventually his partner's like what's up with you can i see that and he had like a huge thing on his tongue and he thought it was from biting it and then eventually his partner's like what's up with you can i see that and he had like a huge thing on his tongue

and they're like you have to go to the you need to go to the dentist like right now so he went and they're like no you need to see a specialist he did that and then he's the worst those copays and he's like man i hate that you go to the doctor like uh you really gotta go see a specialist i'm like damn i'm fucked up um but then they then they go okay you have stage four cancer oh my god and he didn't even know and he thought that was good because he thought there were 10 stages yeah so he's like okay that's not bad like no no we're gonna have to cut out your tongue. Most of your jaw. You're like, holy fucking shit. I think I would die. Oh, my fucking God.

Wow. And then you're a chef trying to do that. And then the story gets out in the paper. And then luckily, like University of Chicago is like, hey, we have this radiation treatment you can do. It's experimental. And so he started doing that while he was opening a restaurant. Lost all his taste and then still got a Michelin fucking star. Amazing.

Not being able to taste his own food. And you're like, you know what, dude? You can have all the fucking aroma pillows and do all the pretentious shit. You think there's some salty chefs? They're like, man, he only got that because he almost died. Kind of like that one comic got an HBO special because he almost died. Yeah. Who's still alive.

Who's still alive. And I was talking to a booker of a place he performed recently yeah and uh he was like one he was terrible yeah he said it was the worst comedy show that he's ever been to yeah and two he was like he never talked about it and it was just like weird as shit because like that's you the whole thing everyone knows you for is you almost die the public's frame of reference is that you are the dying comedian yeah so you can't be like man these clowns in congress huh you're like talk about how you're gonna die yeah like tsa is crazy fuck you talk about death chef's table's funny though because like

a lot of the chef's table is like um the people are like, I had the best restaurant in the country and we were getting so much press and everyone loved it. But I just wasn't happy. Yeah. Packed up. I went to a poor country and learned how to cook their food. And I came back and I made a lot more money. I made a lot of money off of their culture and didn't really give them anything back. And I didn't give them shit.

Yeah. And then it shot in slow-mo and cool. It's like, I took what they did, put that shit on smaller plates. I'm fucking a businessman. Motherfucker. Yeah. It's just so funny. I mean, but like, yeah.

I don't think a lot of those people are like that, though. No, obviously. But there is a lot of that where they're like, I just wasn't happy. And they had to travel away and shit. That one guy was dope the uh that new yorker guy that did ramen and then like went to white jew and then went to japan yeah and he was like one of the top ramen people and he's a white jewish man that was so cool yeah and i liked him too i could like he kind of had a little bit of a comic vibe to him where it's like yeah he's a, yeah, he's a ball buster. He's a ball buster, but it's also like confident and also insecure as shit at the same time.

So he's wrapping up. He's like, yeah, I, I went over there. I didn't even know how I'm not a chef. I went to Japan. I loved ramen and I did it and I opened,

I opened the restaurant. I got great reviews. I opened up 20 franchises and it was great so fuck you okay i fucking did it you think all right it's all right fuck you guys everyone's like dude we like it we like it yeah you're fine i don't get how people get so deep and like i've never gotten like you know like i knit or like i like baking but i've never found something where I'm just like, I'm going to make like, God, like you have to fucking devote so much energy into like not being a traditionally trained chef and then to being one of the best fucking ramen person in the world. Crazy. I'm just like barely able to knit scarves.

I'm like, hmm. I can't wait till they have scarf table. Dude. Oh, I do want to start a knitting group. You know, I think it would be fun. All right. Well, I have to poop really bad. I have to lay down.

On that note. I'm going to lay down. Oh, it's a good morning for us. All right, everybody. All right, dudes. Check out all of our social media stuff. Find it. Love it.

We love you. And thanks for listening. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah