The Digression Sessions - Ep. 239 - Josh & Umar

Episode Date: January 9, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are talking rock n roll, cafeteria foods, and the weather. No one has the guts to discuss the freezing cold weather, except the dig sesh! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Big Sash back, January 8th. Sipping coffee at the table with Omar Khan. We are consistent, sort of. No, we're pretty consistent. There's 24 hours in a Monday. No, we're pretty consistent. Yeah? There's 24 hours in a Monday.

That's true. I don't say, hey, 6 a.m. every Monday. You gonna get this out tonight? Yeah, bitch. It's Monday, ain't it? And I'm consistent as hell. I am the opposite of Umar's bowels. Yeah, we got it.

Consistent. Got a nice little outline written out of what we're gonna talk about. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Now, my brother, I think, wants to start a podcast, and he texted me. He's to talk about. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Now, my brother, I think, wants to start a podcast, and he texted me. He's like, hey. Oh, I know. I'm looking at the outline.

He said, okay, let's talk about Raheel's comments. He texted. He said, hey, how do you guys structure your podcast? And I thought he meant what equipment you want. He's like, no, I mean, do you guys make an outline to where you can talk about? How do you do transitions? And I was like, no, I mean, like, do you guys make an outline to where you can talk about? Do you do, like, how do you do transitions? And I was like, no, dude, we just talk. I think it's pretty evident.

Yeah, I don't think anyone listening. Someone recently at Jen and Jokes did tell me that, yeah, they're like, you know, I'm always surprised when people, like, listen at all. And, like, people tell me they listen. We averaged,aged like 400 episodes. Holy shit. Yeah. That's fucking dope. Yeah. And so the guy was like, yeah, man, I've been listening to your podcast.

You guys are pretty funny. And he's like, sometimes you guys just go off on weird tangents. Like one time we were talking about the price of food at restaurants. And I don't even remember that conversation. And I was like, God damn, why do people listen to this bullshit? Anyway, thanks for listening. Yeah welcome back to this week's bullshit with josh and umar yeah i mean that's pretty much what it is and there is a nice section of uh podcast i think that's even a genre just dudes talking yeah i think so yeah you. I mean, now and again we'll make a poignant remark, I'm sure. Maybe.

I hope not. I mean, just by the law of averages, the odds, we'll probably say something poignant. I think so. I'm feeling good, though. I just got my first cup of coffee of the day. Oh, this is like 3.50 p.m. Yeah, so this is like a nice little, this is like crack cocaine for me. Nice.

I assume. I don't know. I've never, well, I did do crack this morning. I just didn't have my coffee. And I usually do both. Yeah, you're allowed to do crack before a blood test, but you just can't eat or drink coffee. As long as you tell them beforehand. Yeah.

Like, hey, there's some crack. I'm like, I know. I did a couple of bums before I came. Speaking of crack, we got out three hours early today. Yeah, you did. For a lot of rain. Oh, my God. It's not even raining outside.

Oh, no. I hope it rains later tonight. So tomorrow we have a two-hour delay. But it would have just been crazy because we had a week off. Then we come back on a Tuesday. Yeah. Then we only went to school for two days had two days off because baltimore city schools like most of them didn't have heat heat

yeah uh both of mine did so it was gravy for me yeah but like yeah some kids were going to school and like in winter coats just like you could see your breath in the classroom it was fucking crazy that's insane but yeah so a lot of kids go to school and they're like kind of depending on the meals though right like to get fed at school so that's why they're like we know it's cold as shit but we don't want something to go hungry well so like on friday they announced schools were closed but like my middle my elementary middle school we stayed open just so kids if they wanted to come and get breakfast get food and breakfast and lunch wow and then some local like like uh like corner stop corner shops and diners around West Baltimore, they gave free lunches

to kids that day who were off on Friday. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Because also some people, when Baltimore closes schools for weather, they're like, oh, there's no snow on the ground. But also, take into account that most kids walk to school. There's no public transport. I was going to say, you don't take into account that kids walk. Most kids walk to school.

There's no public transport. I was going to say, I don't think a lot of people know that. And I didn't know that until the uprising or whatever. But I never put it together. I'm like, oh, yeah, I never see school buses around. There's no school buses because it would be too hard in the city because middle and high school are like choice. So based on your grades, if you want, you can go to a good school. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

So the route would be ridiculous. If you're going to schools outside of your neighborhood, it's just too much. Right, right, right. So we had a three-hour dismissal today. And I was so happy because it was one of those days. I woke up. I had to be at work at 7.30 a.m. You should just say allegedly.

Yeah, allegedly. I woke up at 7 30 a.m you should just say allegedly yeah allegedly i woke up at 7 20 and i was just like well i guess i'm not showering or brushing my teeth today but i keep a toothbrush in my backpack because i'm usually running late to work nice so i keep a toothbrush floss in my backpack that's smart and it's funny when my co-worker's like why do you brush your teeth at work i just lie and i'm like oh i always brush my teeth after I drink coffee. Yeah. Which you actually should do. You should,

but I only brush my teeth if I didn't get a chance to brush them at home. Yeah. Like, why are you combing your hair now? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm just very into myself. Oh my God.

So I didn't make coffee because last night I had a show and I just got home late and I was like, fuck this. Usually I make everything the night before and I was just like sitting at my cubicle

and I was so tired. I was like, man, please let us get out early today because i cannot fucking go a day without drinking coffee yeah and we did and it was like the fucking best i think like dude like staff are way more happy absolutely yeah absolutely because the kids are like yay but they're like no this is my life i hate this yeah and i'm like yeah yeah like they get to go home in school but like i still get i get to go home and still get paid yeah oh the fucking best yeah so i uh i had to get um i had a physical today uh so i'm doing that thing i every year i get a physical and also it was like zero dollar

copay for me to do that for some reason got a flu shot which is good most people don't get physicals yeah i don't i don't like oh fuck it i should do that but yeah it's more so like for the blood work than anything and and it was a nice pick me up too because she's like uh she's like okay you're about uh 160 and so with the body mass index that's this which is fine but of course it doesn't take into account muscles and i can see you have those dr weinstein mayor please please please she goes she goes you could even maybe bulk up to a 175 it's like girl i'd have to eat a lot more like those fucking strong men that we yeah but anyway yeah so i had that my appointment wasn't till 130 and then so you're not supposed

to eat or drink anything for like 12 hours beforehand so i was just been like thinking about food all fucking day there's no way i could i mean that was that's that's too hard i don't understand yeah i don't understand how people like fast like muslim people that do that like because they're going to like work and like dealing with stuff on a day-to-day basis just waiting for the sun to go down like i would be such a fucking ad i'd be so irritable it was funny because when rama because ramadan goes with the lunar calendar or something so it like it goes it like goes back two weeks every year so when i was young it would fall around christmas time uh-huh and i never really fasted i think i fasted like a total of like four days in my whole life but i went you

you were the fattest kid ever fast. Yeah. That was a fat little boy. Man, he fast. I need to get him on Slim Fast. Muslim Fast. What's up, guys? That's why 400 people listen to this podcast every week. Nice volleys like that.

Riff guns. Hot. Smoking. Back and forth. So I went to where I grew up. It was a pretty big Muslim population. And the kids would fast during lunch. They would go to the library or something so they didn't have to watch.

And they're like, Uma, are you coming? I was like, no, bitch. I'm going to go get this fucking taco. It's Taco Box Tuesday. What the fuck? Yeah. I never. I'm going to get my chicken tenders, dude. Yeah.

But, like, God god they would fast every the whole 30 days wow it was unbelievable like like alahe does it too is she fast yeah is she muslim uh i think so no well she's iranian a lot of iranians are muslim but you can also be christian i don't know i don't think she's i don't think she's christian but i definitely know that she fasts or she was. For Ramadan or just? No, yeah, for religious. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's probably, her family's probably Muslim. Yeah. So. A lot of local comic, Washington Post writer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, go ahead, sorry.

No, you go ahead. No, no, no, go ahead. Hold on, I have it in the outline. It says you go ahead. Oh, okay. No, no, seriously, go. You're like, I have nothing. Go.

Because mine would just be a super tangent oh that was oh i was just saying like yeah she has like a real job where she's going to the washington post and has to be like yeah her head on a swivel all day that's crazy me i worked from home and i was like i'm so sleepy i can't wait to get sushi i want my sushi but yeah i can't imagine focusing like that every day no dude, dude. Especially with like no fucking energy. But you don't have the power of Allah behind you, you know? I wish I did. You're an infidel.

You think so? Mm-hmm. I think you are. So what do I got to do to celebrate Ramada in, you said it was? I can get Allah on my side. I used to always think, I'm like, I always used to think like I used to, yeah, the Ramada. I was like, that always just made me think of Ramadan every time we drove by. I was like, that's cool.

That's good. That's for us. That's for us. That's us. That's us. Pound my heart. Made me think of the cafeteria, like school lunches. I never had a problem with school lunch.

I was a big, big fan. Big fan. Oh, I grew up eating school lunches. I mean, it's gross. I would never eat that shit shit now i don't know taco tuesday was pretty hot though that was great i made a phenomenal i did i did taco salad that was oh yeah same like you put the chips on the bottom uh-huh meat on top lettuce all that shit and then i'd break it up oh and they put that fucking cheese on there salsa oh my god that, my God. That was, I lived for that shit. Stromboli, they had that occasionally. That was dope.

And that came with a side of pineapples on a little Dixie cup. Yeah. I would take that pineapple juice and just pour a little bit on top of that strombol. Because you know what I am? Class. Josh, I was like. You understand? There's a woman on the Food Network, Sandra Lee, where it's called Semi Homemade,

where she'll take like stuff like from the grocery store, like rotisserie chicken and kind of do it up. I imagine you having that with school lunch. You're like, okay, so what do you want to do? It's me in a Slipknot t-shirt and spiked hair. I'm like, hi, good afternoon. I'm Josh Kater. You're like, you see this rectangle pizza.

I just cut it up in uh in like four pieces now you got a cheese stick there it is there it is and you're like putting you're taking the pineapple from the cup and putting it on the pizza zap in the microwave now you got pineapple pizza what's up there it is there it is versatile now oh there's an immigrant lady working the register and she doesn't know how much chicken tender should be yeah get double pay for one that's what i did all the time she was like that's a lot and i was like no it's okay dollar 10 and i was like yeah oh man you guys got to like pick out your lunch buffet style no so there were three so there were three sections like one was a constant like there

was one that was like like tuna sandwiches like sort of like dead like turkey and ham and then there's like pizza and burgers and then another one would be different so that's where you could have the stromboli or taco or whatever so dude it's so gross like the school lunch like one time sometimes like if my kids are like like they're too like mad or fucked up or in like a crisis and they can't go to lunch i'll just go to the cafeteria and pick up lunch because you're too stressed you're like you know what i need a chicken tender yeah no well i'll go and i'm like hey fruitopia can i just pick up a lunch for a student yeah and uh they'll just like put this shit on the plate i'm just like god man so it's all just like sugary shit it's uh it's just gross it's all like all the lunch comes

in cardboard boxes sure it's all pre-fro you know it's frozen food you just like heat up and uh and you just look at it like i got a hot dog for uh my this girl and they're like yeah grab a fruit and a milk and that completes a lunch and it's just like this gross looking hot dog it's all like there's like like little like i don't know it's like discolored and shit and i was like hey do you guys have ketchup and they don't have ketchup oh mr fancy pants yeah i don't know if every school is like this but i guess our school doesn't have ketchup because there's too much sugar in it so people like think milk is so healthy there's a lot of sugar in milk yeah also you shouldn't be drinking milk

no no human no animal species besides humans drinks milk past infancy that's why like like lactose intolerance that's why see i know what you're gonna say but you're wrong that's why we're at the top of the food chain these dummies don't know to be sucking on titties in their old age you know what i mean you know what i'm saying but yeah it's just school lunches are disc but man i used to fucking love that spicy chicken patty god i would fuck up a spicy chicken patty yeah we had a good we had a good chicken patty sandwich and then when i went uh vegetarian and i got the morning farm chicken patty i was like this literally tastes exactly like that one so it's like oh school must be using like a bunch of soy shit you know yeah oh for sure oh man also like our pizza

so weird that like you have pizza with no crust on it like we had that shitty rectangle did you have that rectangle pizza no we had to slice it wasn't good but yeah i mean it was like it was like cardboard crust essentially i remember there was like some fancy high school called Spalding or some bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard of that. And they had, I heard like Domino's was their pizza. And I was just like, man, that is so fucking cool. And it's funny how you judge.

And that was when Domino's sucked. Yeah, I mean, it's still not great either by the way it's just cheap but it's like uh yeah how you judge a school it's like dude we have fruitopia i hear they have coke machines like wow what a great school dude i remember being so pumped to go to middle school because my brother is a year ahead of me and he came and i remember like the first day he came back from sixth grade uh he was like, dude, they got Snapple machines in the cafeteria. I was like, motherfucker. And I had a Snapple.

I've got to wait a year for this shit? Do you see how gross that is? I had a Snapple every day when I was in middle school. A lot of sugar. That's so much sugar. Yeah. I drank a ton of soda, though, outside of school. Dude, I would drink like three cans of soda a day.

So gross. And I was eating hot tamales too oh yeah my mom used to make me those little like pizza like i don't know what they were called like they would like little pizza pouches oh okay not like a bagel bite no i forgot they were like mini i don't know if you know but when pizza when pizza's on a bagel you can eat pizza anytime i've heard that jingle doesn't make sense. Because it's pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, and pizza at suppertime. Evening and suppertime are the same time.

No. I mean, supper is like an earlier thing. Listen, don't question their genius. I'm just saying, we got to get the jingle guy on the podcast. So you want him to be like breakfast, lunch, and dinner, pizza. But I guess it just didn't make flow that way. I had an idea to do a sketch for that where it would be um like because you know like you can have pizza bagel anytime but it'd be like be like with like disasters though like so like and because in the commercial like it shows people

it's just like somebody's like what are you and then they chose him with a pizza bear like oh okay you cracked the code i wouldn't do one with the challenger spaceship when it blows up cut to the control room and it's a guy like an analyst for nasa and he's just eating pizza on a bed they're like oh or like a funeral they're holding the casket and then it just falls and one guy's just eating a pizza bagel or be like 9-11 like someone who's in tower two like behind them you see the plane flying to tower one and they're just munching on a bagel the whole time oh man i'm supposed to go to eat this anytime or like also like that the space shuttle exploding like the astronauts since like flying like flying in space yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah on their way up when it starts to say malfunction like oh maybe i should have waited

for pizza yeah man um should have a good week week? Yeah, it was a good week. Pretty low key for me. I'm trying to remember. I had band practice. Well, just look at the outline. Yeah, yeah. Look at the fucking outline. No, I think it was a pretty good week.

I'm trying to remember. I don't even fucking know what I did. Oh, I went to the... I'm doing my whole beginning of the year doing all my doctor shit. So I went to the optometrist. I went to get my physical today, get my blood checked out. Braces come off the 22nd. Congratulations.

And I get my teeth cleaned on the 25th. So this is just a whole new... Going to get a haircut on the 26th. It's just starting this year off right. You schedule your haircuts? Yeah. Oh, because you drive. Yeah. So I'm going to go hang out with my friend in Annapolis that Friday. 26 it's it's just you know start this year off right your haircuts yeah dry yeah so i'm gonna go hang out with my friend uh in annapolis that friday and then you know you're like the only

dude in baltimore i know that doesn't go to bank barbers maybe i will eventually i just got some long hair yeah and she i mean the time that i went there too she just fucked me up like it was yeah they're not used to cutting like your yeah well you were like you got bitch hair and i was like yeah yeah i need to be taken care of exactly yeah do they charge you the same amount yeah yeah your hair's not that long it's not that long and also it's like she should know what to do it's not like it's a completely different animal and when it's just humans communicating she's like do you want it here like at my eyebrows like yeah just bring my hair like up to there and then she cut it like above my eyebrow that's a bad look like way up there and it was just like the same length all the way around it's like oh you fucking crushed me yeah but i really showed

her what's up when i tipped her 20 damn yeah i mean i took them a lot i took them 10 bucks every time because what's the haircut 17 17 that's a big tip yeah i feel like i just feel weird i always get up in my head because like i used to tip five and then like sometimes they'll give you like you know they'll give you back change and they give you two fives and i'm like am i supposed to give them both of these i think they're giving you the option which is nice it is nice but then i like now i know some of them personally and they they come to my shows, and I'm just like, fuck. You know, that's why you got to...

That's still a pretty cheap haircut. You got to have a dual relation. You can't have dual relationships. Like in school psychology, they teach you that. Like you're not supposed to hang out with your teachers at your school because how can you be a good consultant if you're also friends? You got to be subjective. So now, you know, it's like I don't want to be friends with my hair cutters because it's it's influencing when i tip great

like instead of passing them like money it's just a flyer for your show and you're like hey man i'll see you at the show i'm not giving you money because i can't have a dual relationship but you should come support me my buddy uh sean sometimes he cuts my hair and uh he works there and it's so funny one time i went in i don't know if i talked about this but one time i went in there and his eyes were so fucking red and he like right before he cut my hair he put eye drops in his eyes i was like ah maybe he's never mind uh having good times having good times he has good times a lot that's his, and I don't give a shit. Sure.

I'm sure people can cut hair and be on good times. It's 2018. Why not? 2018. So then he's cutting my hair, and he's like, oh, man, I just got LASIK eye surgery. No. They told me to take a week off, but I can't afford to do that. I was like, what the fuck?

He's like, oh, man, yesterday I came in. I shouldn't have shouldn't have i could not concentrate i was like what are you doing cutting my hair you look over he's cutting somebody else's hair he's like oh shit you're not umar yeah he still killed it he did a good job but like it was just such a funny like i guess you wouldn't say that to like a regular cut like a normal like someone he didn't know but yeah somebody would still be thinking but you can see his eyes are like fucked up. They're just so red. It's just like, what are you doing? Like what other job could like, oh my God.

No. I mean, wow. I'm surprised that he pulled it off. Like that's crazy. Yeah. He looked like he was struggling though. Yeah. Oh man.

Yeah. Joe Flacco was just in there recently really which one uh down the street down the street oh that's awesome i wonder i mean that's what that's what miles said do people hate him now i don't think they hate him i don't think they love him as much as they did i don't think they hate him yeah i was when i was opening up for this like i'm sure when he went in there they're still like holy shit shit, it's you. Oh, yeah. He's a fucking celebrity.

Yeah. But I don't know. On my news feed, I guess everyone's like, okay, we got to fire everyone and start from scratch. Yeah. Those are the same people, too, though, that if they win, they're like, that's what I'm talking about, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Flock, what's up? Like, yeah. Did you hear that the president or the owner he sent out that letter yeah blaming low turnout uh on the knee on the protest it's like maybe also you guys suck dick right now yeah the whole thing was really dumb uh it's pretty great though because their president's name is dick cass but it just sounds like dick ass dick ass which is pretty good that is good but yeah so he blamed it on um low attendance blame the low attendance on kneeling and the ravens only kneeled once and that was in england so it's not

like they even did it at home and yeah the games are super expensive and they're fucking like and they're not doing well yeah no they lost i mean they're not even the playoffs they lost at home to the bangles oh and the playoffs are excuse me and football in general just has a decline in viewership um yeah it's still really good no it's still really good but they saw a decline yeah yeah yeah because i mean it was crazy the last like four or five years but even still like the nfl numbers now like the nba would kill to have those numbers yeah yeah basically but sure but yeah so it's kind of like when trump does that thing he's like declining blah blah because it's like it was

already doing that but it's also like you were you could you can't sustain that yeah like it's just unsustainable like look i come to terms i can't tell a lot of jokes every month so the last two months we didn't sell out but we did good it does suck that some of the comedians have been kneeling during their set yeah i know right it's fucked up because i do do the national anthem before every show yeah well before every comedian oh yeah yeah that happened to me i think i talked about it when i did that show in towson that girl saying that um it was at bread and circus it was just a train wreck of a show man yeah it's supposed to start at 10 didn't start to like 11 something and then i'm like hammered because we're just hanging out the bar yeah it

started like 11 30 and the guy that's supposed to host did not host he was just like uh now the national anthem and then some girl like belts out the national anthem and there's like 25 people people stand up i don't do it we were just at the bar, and I was like, what is happening? I would leave. I swear to God, I would fucking leave. And then she gets done. And I mean, it was like belting it out. Yeah.

She's just like, Ella Ra. She's like, Ella Ra. And you're like, oh, my God. And then she gets done, and then he's like, and now Josh Kudron. And I'm like, she brought you up? No, no. He came back up, and he just goes like, and now Josh Kudron. And I'm like, she brought you up? No, no. He came back up and he just goes like, and now Josh Kudrona. And I'm like, what the fuck?

I bet you all those 20 people who were there were there to see her do the national anthem. They weren't even there to see comedy. No, no. And I was just riffing on what a mess it was. And then somebody was like, just do jokes. And I was like, oh, you just shut up. God damn. Yeah, it was a mess.

That is terrible. And then, yeah, these girls there girls there i was like we have any couples in the house i was just trying to do crowd work and these like younger girls are like we are weird i was like no i mean like real couples not like couples like you know like fake lesbians that are like are the boys watching and she was like fuck you did i get a laugh yeah yeah but it was yeah there was a lot of that when i was young i remember when i was in uh middle elementary school middle school all these you're sipping a snapple just like dang like all these girls said they were bi yeah guys got it got them attention yeah and it makes them like different and stand out like yeah then they were like all like the goth like well yeah whatever goth was at that time

right goth is such a commitment like oh yeah like what you got to do in the morning oh my god i have yeah i have a lot of like friends like who have like a very specific look yeah it just seems like it sucks where you i don't know it looks like you have you put at least an hour and a half into getting ready to go eat brunch yeah you can't have a casual like you know what i'm just gonna run to the coffee shop real quick it's like well i gotta get out the eyeliner yeah i'm sure i'm pale enough yeah and then like how you must put makeup from your forehead to your neck because you look white yeah you gotta do your hands too probably oh you know god i remember watch it like when because like goth became a big thing in the 90s and i remember watching ricky lake and they had goth kids on to explain like i was thinking of her

and jenny jones today because everybody's like oprah's gonna run for president oh yeah let's get jenny jones on there oh yeah because i just remember she was like after school she would have uh the shows that were like clearly just to get dudes to watch oh yeah but i was like i don't know what 10 11 12 something it was like today on the show we're discussing an important topic affecting society when are breast implants too big and i was like yeah let's get into this all those there were so there's ricky lake jenny jones maury jerry springer jerry springer uh with the black guy uh there's like a bald black guy had a show i forgot like steve harvey yeah no i can't remember montel williams yes yeah he's from baltimore yeah oh really yeah montel williams like all those shows that when we were younger on tv like i they were literally just like hey let's make fun of mentally unstable

people and poor people yeah and that was it that was just like the only reason you watch and then it was all scripted too well really scripted so they would do a thing like uh jimmy um davies from jimmy's chicken shack was on an episode like T-Brad was on an episode of Jerry Springer. Oh, I know Springer was all fake. Yeah, but I think a lot of those, whether it was the drama, it's like, we're looking for, if you happen to be this person,

yes, I am a father who's having sex with his stepdaughter. You know what I mean? Yeah, what a Shonger T-Brad. Yeah. JK, JK, JK, JK, JK. I don't give a fuck.K. J.K. J.K. J.K. J.K. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. But Ricky Lake, what were you saying? Well, that's all. She had, like, goth kids on. And, like, I remember the questions from the audiences. Like, they were like, like, I legit remember one person going, like, are you gay? So what's happening here? Yeah yeah they just thought it was kids

who were gay yeah and there's like oh this is what happened you just don't have any frame of reference you're like there's a lot of makeup y'all gay is that yeah and and it was like this kid who like i would love to find this kid now and he's probably just working a fucking corporate job in a cubicle and he's like super straight laced he was like wearing all leather he had like a choker on he like white face paint like nose ring oh my god it was like he's just like a nice kid and everyone was just like making fun of him yeah being super shitty yeah yeah well you know uh that's that's his fault for being different yeah um yeah i i did a little bit of that like i i would just like spike my hair up and like dye it and stuff but like definitely had the thing in the morning like oh i gotta make sure it's like spiked up i had a

studded belt oh i had like uh i would wear like we were pretty bad at all dude huge chain wallet yeah i had that um in fifth grade the principal came to my class and was like, can I talk to you for a second? Really? And pulled me out of class and said that I couldn't wear my chain wallet to school. Damn. Yeah. That's crazy.

In fifth grade, yeah. But she couched it in. She was like, I don't mind it. I just worry about your safety because it's fine. But what if somebody comes up and grabs it like I think she just didn't like it. Yeah. She's just affiliated with like gang and violence. Or just like it looks trashy.

I don't need a fifth grader wearing a fucking chain wallet in my school. You know? Yeah, it does look. I guess it looks bad, but I don't know. Like whatever. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she just didn't want a bunch of kids.

I think all my friends in high school, we all have like chain wallets and. Yeah. And like. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she just didn't want a bunch of kids. I think all my friends in high school, we all have like chain wallets and yeah. And like, yeah. Yeah. And then it was the thing to have like a big one, like a big, Oh, I had a dog.

I had like a legit pit bull dog chain and huge Dickie shorts. Sure. Sure. And, uh, uh, skate shoes. I didn't do the sock pull up thing.

Remember like, cause like blink and all those like pop punk bands would pull. Yeah the straight really high up i didn't do that i thought that was dumb i was like that's a one dumb yeah y'all look stupid as hell yeah and i wore like slipknot shirts and i had so many slipknot shirts oh really yeah i was i wish mine like got fucked up because i wore it so much really yeah i don't know what happened to mine i either like gave them away like goodwill or something i have no idea where they're but no i had a fucking ton um i would probably see them if they came around i would love to actually they would they're at royal farms but they were touring with like corn and then they had like they were they had like two other openers like a hundred

thirty dollar ticket but also it's like i don't want to sit through all that i don't i mean i would go see slipknot but i mean like if if they're headlining you're sitting through at least an hour and a half to two hours of like bad music plus setup and all that yeah and you don't want to pay all that money for no god i if i so i mean if i saw slipknot now i would have to sit in the seats i would not fucking mosh yeah because i did that i mean i did mosh it wasn in the mosh pit for AFI recently. Not to brag. Not to brag. And it was super fun.

But like, dude, it was crazy. It was like kids were going nuts. Like throwing punches and shit? Yeah. This girl was just like straight up punching my back. And I turned around. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? She's like, oh, if you can't take it, won't you go in the stands?

And I was like, or just don't punch me. Yeah. It's like pushing and jumping around and all that stuff is fine. But it's like you're literally just punching me. It's not like you look wildly. It's like this band's not that hardcore. They're singing about like, I don't know, like falling stars, you idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Literally, that's like one of his lines. She's like punching him. She's like, I fucking love constellations. God damn. Orion's belt, motherfucker. I'm going to choke you with Orion's belt. Big dipper, little dipper, all that shit. Or she's getting specific with you.

She's like, man, fucking gin and jokes. You're like, hey, can you start? She's like, hey, bro, it's just a show. It's not about you, all right? It's just i'm in the this this is the pit this is what that is now i've been in a i've been in a show like that i think in a long time besides uh every time i die when i saw them like oh that was at a soundstage yeah i was very much content to like as soon as they started i was like i'll scoot to the side

and you kids can go nuts. What was your first concert? My first, I... Like big band, not like local show. Oh, well, so Jimmy's Chicken Shack was my first. I was in fifth grade. I had a chain wallet. I was very cool. But I saw Jimmy's Chicken Shack at Record and Tape Traders in Rockville. Wow.

And it was when Pushing the Salmonella envelope was coming out and they were on rocket records which was like elton john's record which is like a subsidiary of def jam i think or island def jam but anyway but it was really cool so they had like a stage in the back and then everybody just like lined the aisles essentially so they didn't they didn't move like the racks of cds like everybody was just there and so that good it was fucking great i mean yeah it was really cool wow yeah weird yeah weird setup wow that was your first show because it was like a record release show so the album was coming out so it's like we're gonna play then we're gonna have cds out front do the whole meet and greet and i just yeah my cousin sophie took me and i was like i guess what are you in fifth grade like 12 yeah 10 12 something yeah so

i was like oh this is so cool that's awesome and my hair like parted in the middle and stuff and yeah it was yeah it was awesome so that's probably like the first like show where like full volume like i mean it wasn't like a big that like 9 30 club or something but yeah that was that was it damn my first show was uh hf festival it was a maybe that's mine too then it was 2000 i think it was the first year they did the like multiple day and i just went the first day and like green day was the secret band oh my god it was good charlotte was there newfound glory was there uh oh you know it was really big american hi-fi was really big at the time and then song flavor of the week i saw them they were i remember liking them a lot i never bought their album

or anything but i thought they were they put on a good show i thought they had that swing swing song that's uh all american rejects yeah uh they had some okay songs i never got into them yeah they were kind of weird they were kind of whack they were whack yeah, yeah. I went to that one. I think that was my third HF Festival. But HF Festival was crazy. I had never been before to a show, and I remember my friend's dad, he was this really, I think we talked about on the last podcast, the guy who collects rocks, just a really chill dude. Sure.

He's the one who took us, and he was just like. You're watching the bands. He's like, you know what else rocks? Actual rock. Yeah. And so he, my parents just let me go because, you know, they've never been to a concert. And they don't understand like how massive it is. They don't get how massive it is, how many drugs are being used.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like openly people just getting high all over the place. Yeah, so my friend's dad, Mr. Chip, he's a really cool guy. And he was like, you know, he felt like he had an obligation to tell my parents what was up. So before he went, the couple days before, he's like, all right, I just want to let you know, I've been to these several times. He had an older sister who was really into music.

And so I go, and he's like, a lot of drinking. I am a geologist, so obviously I am very cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am very cool. Yeah, yeah. I will find the best crack rocks. No, so he told my parents, like, look, there's a lot of drug use, a lot of drinking, a lot of girls taking their shirts. I don't know if he said that part, but I do remember because that was a huge thing in like the late 90s early 2000s girls just flashing at concerts and bands oh not even then request it oh yeah but if you did that now oh my god you're done done but i mean that's that's not even then like i feel like that's like the 60s

like woodstock all that stuff like if a girl was on somebody's shoulders like oh yeah and then people would do like the move yeah so i just remember sitting in the stands with his dad like we would go off on our own and then come back we had like a designated area in the seats at rfk stadium and we'd just be looking at the jumbotrons and it's just girls like flashing their tits like literally like every minute and they would put it on the camera. And I just remember his dad turning to us like, don't let your mother's. No, I let you watch this. Also, yeah, it's like, all right, let's walk away. But when you can't see the jumbotron.

Like, damn, dude. And then you think about it like those girls are probably like 16, 17. Most of them were probably in high school. you're just like oh yeah like barely 18 like yeah yeah definitely anywhere from like 16 to 21 for sure yeah oh my god it's so gross yeah we went i think that was probably mine too was uh i think i went in 90 wouldn't be 97 maybe it was 99 because what was the two-year one was that year 2000 that was 2000 so i think the first time so i think i think i went in 98 it's my first one then and that was at rfk stadium and then i might have told this story before but um newfound glory um they were walking by us like in the uh like where like the concessions are and stuff

like where you can walk around that like but no one knew who they were in 98 right yeah they were walking by everybody i didn't even see him and then ryan schwab threw a lemon at uh what's the guy steve is that his name the drummer no the guitar player chad chad yeah no the other one the one that got kicked out it might have been ste Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. It might be the name. Yeah, so Ryan threw a lemon, but not so much as to like fuck with him, but to like get their attention. And so he throws a lemon and hits him in the leg. And then there's like a group of us walking.

And I think Rudy's probably the tallest one. And he had like big blonde dreads at the time. And so that's the first person he sees because for the lemons like coming from like this group. And Rudy didn't know what happened. He't even know that ryan threw it and he just like comes over to rudy and he just goes you throw a fucking lemon at me man and rudy's like no what the fuck because he's like probably kind of drunk too and then he's like oh you're from newfound glory and that's like yeah so it was like him i think it was him and the bass player and then the other guitar player like the three of them were just walking around yeah and uh they were like that's so weird somebody

threw a lemon i don't know but we ended up talking to him it was so fucking crazy and then ryan's like oh yeah i threw it at him 98 i think they had just released their first i don't know if it was 98 it might have been 99 or 2000 because one year i uh maybe it was 99. 2000, they opened up the festival. They were the first band. So the year before, they played the side stage. They were on main stage 2000. It was that year. Damn, that's crazy.

Yeah, they had their self-titled out. That's so weird. I remember thinking if you like on the main stage like you're so rich and famous yeah like oh no they were probably broke as shit and they made no money yeah but it's funny to see like the bands that were like big at the time like i remember like like who bestang they're like yeah what's up it's like and then they had bands like cold play play and i remember her with the lineup it went coldplay then seven dust and chris martin from coldplay was so self-conscious about like being in a rock show i think so i mean because

i mean i think their first album had some good songs and like i think they could pull it off live but like pretty much at the end of every song he would just go all right though uh we have two more and then seven dust plays okay yeah and like we And like, we're going to get out of the way soon. You know, I do remember like people saying like cold plays for pussies. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know that joke and knocked up where like, you know, I know you're getting our 40 year virgin.

Like, you know, I do your game. Yeah. The cold play. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then like that became like. Yeah.

I mean, the first song yellow is very. Yeah. Who got the star? You know. Oh, wait, that's an AFI song. Yeah, I went to those pretty early on. And then the two-day one was a lot of fun because Ryan and Jason's dad got us a hotel room. So, like, four or five of us could stay the night.

And then we went the next day to the festival. And I was like, this is the life right here. I know. We went to a hotel with all our buddies. And we got a bunch of pizza and farted and joked all night. And then the next day, we're going back to the festival. That's so cool. I remember when getting pizza was such a big deal.

Yeah. And now you're just like, you get pizza now, you're just like, because you didn't feel like cooking. And I'll say, it's pretty good. But down the street, they have a wood-burning brick oven. Yeah. Yeah. I fuck hardcore with that art house down the street. Art house is...

Shout out to art house in Hamden. Art house is very good. A little expense, but pretty good. Yeah, but I like it better than the other place. You know, Pauly G's. Oh. You know that other place, Pauly G's. I hear what you're trying to say. Domino's? Yeah. I mean, I gotly G's. Oh. You know that other place, Pauly G's.

I hear what you're trying to say. Domino's? I mean, I got Domino's yesterday. I don't care. I'm trash. I don't give a fuck. I almost ate Domino's because it's across the street from the draft house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't have any food.

And they have no food. Yeah, so yeah, you had shows this weekend, right? Yeah, I did eight shows that's a lot they're all really fun a lot of shows man ramin and i did ragtime and uh which is like ramin's he's a friend of ours on a podcast very funny yeah uh he runs a weekly show uh in arlington it's just a show where people can work out material. So usually, like, if me and Josh will host it every other week, and if I do it, I usually, like, do a longer feature set. And so this week he thought no one would show up.

He's like, ah, me and you, we'll just do it. We'll fuck around. No one's going to be there. And it was fucking packed. And so we get there, and he was like, dude, I didn't think people would be here. And I was like, it was fine. We'll fuck around.

It was super fun. It was so nice. And then you guys got on stage together? We didn't get people would be here and i was like it was fine we'll fuck around it was super fun yeah yeah you said you like oh nice and then you guys got on stage together we didn't get on stage together but before the show we were talking about our relationships and shit and uh off mic off mic before the show while we're just eating and having a drink and he was like man we should just do that we should just make this the show yeah and then like we were like no because there wasn't two mics and it wouldn't be that great, you know. Yeah. But then when I was on stage, we just started like the crowd was really fun and into it.

Yeah. And so like I was just talking to them about like my relationships and dating and asking them questions. And like the audience was very divided. And then like Ramin was kind of narrating or like not narrating. Monitoring. No. What's that word? It's moderating. Like being a moderator.

I wanted to say modulate. It seems like, Ramin from the back of the room, it seems like the guys and girls are kind of divided on that answer. You want to elaborate, sir? And it was like really fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was such a good show. Because, yeah, the room's small enough to where if

somebody's just yelling in the back yeah so we each did like 30 minutes there was one girl uh in there like this super like cute 22 year old she was on bumble and ramin was asking her it's like hey what's the deal like do you ever get matched with someone on bumble because you swipe right so you like them and then they message you and you just never message back and i think at one point i mean and it came off really well like but uh you know might have called her a cunt you did no ramin wow that's all the time we have umar called a woman and uh but it worked like he you have to been there yeah yeah and uh and then after the show they were really nice and thankful and yeah it's like well you're a fucking yeah yeah yeah it was ball ball busting and i was like fake hitting on her

and she came up and we just kept calling like picking on her the whole show there's like the theme running theme kelly shout out to kelly yeah it's always nice to have one of those in the audience as a runner you can always come back to fucking hot 22 year old chick sure and uh she came up after the show she's like oh man i'm gonna tell this guy i'm hooking up with that uh the runner you can always come back to fucking hot 22 year old chick sure and uh she came out after the show she's like oh man i'm gonna tell this guy i'm hooking up with that uh you guys like uh uh gave me shout out during the show and i was like okay like first of all you don't need our help to get laid second of all like this guy like maybe she's trying to lock him down in a relationship oh i was gonna say you're already hooking up. Like, what's the...

And I was like, yeah, we're two unknown comics. One's bald, one's balding. It's not going to fucking do you a... Doing a free bar show. Yeah, it's not like Chris Rock fucking gave you a shout out and said you were cute, you know? Yeah, she's like... She shows him a picture of me on Facebook like,

this guy said I was hot. He immediately dumps her. It's like these two guys, Umar and Ramin, are in ISIS and they think I'm hot, okay? It's like, all right, yeah, cool. Yeah, again, it's just like you're a hot young chick. Yeah, you're a celebrity. I went to a free bar show and they thought I was attractive. It's just like you're a hot, like, young chick. Yeah, you're a celebrity. Yeah. You're a fucking.

I went to a free bar show and they thought I was attractive. It's unbelievable. You're a fucking. Every time you probably post a picture on Instagram, you immediately get like 300 likes. Oh, dude. Just being a girl must fucking suck. I mean, it's cool in that way where it's like if it's working for you. But like, think about like everything like i heard recently about um like a friend of a friend was telling me a story about this girl that was

like going through a bunch of shit like her i think her parents were sick she was just having like relationship troubles and then she gets pulled over and gets a dui um and then the the officer that gave her the ticket got her number somehow and texted her and said like hey do you want to get breakfast what the fuck yeah like that did you report him i don't know i don't know but because it was like a friend of a friend was telling me about it so i'm like that is so shitty like god like not only did he like give you the dui which is not saying like that he shouldn't he shouldn't have, but it's like. A real weird way to try to get laid.

Like, hey, you know how I fucked up your life? Yeah, it'd be different. I mean, it's still fucked up. Like, it's still crossing a boundary to reach out. Like, even if he's like, I'm going to let you off, but you got to get Brett. But, like, shit like that doesn't happen to you and I. No way. No.

Oh, my God. Like, stuff like that wouldn't even enter my mind. But what a mindfuck that is. Your life's falling apart, and then all of a sudden, even this guy's like, so do you want to fuck me? Jesus Christ. Dude, the comic I opened up for this weekend, she's a Sarah Tiana. Like, super funny, dude.

Yeah, yeah. Those look like good shows, too. She was really fun. Yeah. Almost every show was sold out. That's sick. And she's super funny like so nice backstage was like just incredibly she even like brought snacks from whole foods the second night

oh that's awesome yeah and um uh but she has a you fuck her no you know it's funny my dad uh we we got breakfast uh on sunday for my parents my dad's birthday and their anniversary and my dad's like so uh do you have a new girlfriend i was like what it's like yeah mom said that you posted a picture with a uh and then so my and i was like no i have the same girlfriend yeah and then my my mom showed me i was like oh you're talking about this picture and my mom's like yeah she's like oh yeah i was like she like she looks nice. I thought she was your new girlfriend. I was like, no. I was like, also, she's 41. My mom's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But Sarah was telling me she has like a stalker. And he like has traveled across states to come to shows. Well, even speaking of girlfriends, your Karen had that note on her car. Remember? That you were telling me about? In the snow that somebody... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I don't care. I'm like, eh, whatever. I don't think she'll care. But last time I said that, I got dumped. Oh. All right. Your Karen. We'll just call it your Karen.

No, no, Karen. Yeah, my girlfriend. Someone wrote when it was snowing. I guess she got mad. It was funny. So the next day, she's like, oh, did you write on my car? And I was like, no, what the fuck are you talking about? She's like, someone wrote a note in the snow on my car that said,

Miss Karen is awesome sauce. Yeah. And I was like, no, that wasn't me. She's like, oh, i thought it was you because you know you guys like got in like a fight or something we didn't even get in a fight like i didn't even know she was mad at me i just one time it was friday and i had a show in dc i was like hey when i get back do you want to there's a thing at uh the less good pizza place paulie and i was like there's a thing i was like you want to come she's like no and i thought she was

just being tired or whatever i forgot she had to work the next day uh-huh and she had like told me and i'm a bad listener and uh and that you know so it was like no asshole i told you not even like a fight but it's just like yeah she's just like yeah she said something like umar i have to like i don't you don't remember i told you i have to work and i was like oh no i totally forgot yeah and then i guess she was like upset with me and i thought i guess i was supposed to know and i didn't right and so the next day she was like yeah i thought you knew like i was kind of like upset with for you for not remembering and so and and so i thought you were nice and you wrote a note and i was like nope no and then she made a status hey, who wrote that note on my car? And much to my dismay, it wasn't Umar.

And like, tag me in it. And eventually she found out it was her creepy neighbor. That's so weird. See, like, if that happened to us and we had like a female neighbor that like did that, I'd be like, oh, that's funny. Yeah, that's sweet. Anyway, let's go get brought, like, you know, I wouldn't even think about it. Like, wouldn't even matter.

Yeah. yeah it's sweet anyway let's go get brought like you know i wouldn't even think about it like wouldn't even matter yeah and then uh yeah just it's a week i guess like he was like he's being nice but it's still weird it's just like an extra thing you have to worry about like yeah as a chick you're like ah gross yeah yeah it is weird yeah i've never been hit on that way in like an uncomfortable way i'm trying to think has anyone been i mean like women that i work with like older black women will like say really yeah but like off the cut like all like but i don't think they would like follow up if you were like yeah not at all i in high school it was a buddy's uh sister was driving me to like go hang out with everybody and uh was like making older sister yeah nice and uh well but i just wasn't into it and she was like yeah so like i've been making

out a lot or something like that was like saying stuff and i was like in that like area of like and i was like oh good well i hope we get there soon she's like well i mean i could pull over now and i was like no i'm good it's just so awkward how old are you uh maybe like 16 or maybe somewhere in there maybe like 15 because i was yeah i was just like someone offered you a piece of pizza yeah i'm kind of full yeah i don't know i mean i appreciate it but yeah so it's like but and then i didn't even think twice about it like i wasn't like oh are they like trying to like i don't know i just feel like women have like a whole other layer of shit to always worry about oh yeah like um uh a comic that we know was living had a had a stalker in their neighborhood

was like putting notes on her car we know yeah like putting notes on her car. That we know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Putting notes on her car of like her name and like notes to her and asked me to give her a ride home one day like from an open mic because she's like,

yeah, there's like a stalker in the neighborhood and I was like, oh, whoa, that's crazy. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I'll give you a ride. Yeah. And then we're in the car and then I'm like,

man, so that's really creepy. That sucks. And like we're just kind of talking about it and there's kind of a lull in the conversation and then she goes uh yeah and the other day he stabbed somebody you should have led with that what you don't have a stalker you have a stabber like oh my god fuck yeah no i've never yeah i'm trying to think the first it's just we're too good looking so we're not approachable i think that's the problem yeah that's true i've said this many times we're too beautiful for this world that's true i do feel like it definitely hurts me with bookings like i think a woman said that one time who was that a woman comic said

legit said you're too attractive no not to me i think that was her reason for not getting booked oh is that funny yeah yeah i have that problem all the time yeah eliza schellinger probably her she got she's getting sued schlesinger i could never i would i if i had to host for her every it would be a panic attack every yeah there's i'll never say that lame right like i can't say ian is it how do you say it you say it say nope oh hold on and sallyers and ian sallyers nailed it got it for real yeah okay what did i just say like you say like salinger like he's fucking jd salinger oh i hate the something when uh before i knew benji like before i really mean uh benji like himmel farb hung out dc you know like uh

i never like i remember i would i've had hosted a couple times on shows he was on and i just never said his last name really yeah i was too scared to try it yeah that's always funny as a host where you try to like minimize it yeah what did he do for you because i don't he didn't know you that well at this point you give her josh yeah yeah yeah that's i mean that's the move where it's like you emphasize the part you know and then trail off exactly right but you're still loud so i messed that up with uh shelly that's the most reason when i did shelly kim uh funny dc comedian but her name on facebook is shelly kimbo slice and so i was bringing her up and i was like it's not kimbo is it really but i'm having this as i'm like all right come to the stage in my mind i'm like oh fuck i know like sucks And then so I was like, come to the stage, Shelly Kim.

They're like, Kim. Man, have you ever, when you were hosting at a club, have you ever just forgot the last name? No, I've like,

I did that. The only thing, I get the name, the credits I mess up. Yeah. Because some people are really, people, some people are specific about it. They're like, it's been on Letterman, it's been on this, and then also has a special

coming out in July called, I don't know, Farts Are The Best. I don't like that shit, dude. I had to do a podcast, a TV show, and a special. And then it looks shitty if you have a piece of paper, because then it's like, you don't really know this comic. You don't really care this you don't really care yeah but i i asked him i was like dude i'm not gonna lie like i need to read this and he was like yeah that's cool that's cool yeah yeah i actually didn't end up reading it because i just rehearsed it so much i think it's a two-way street if you're asking somebody to say a lot of stuff like you kind of have to expect that they're like sometimes

people ask you to say stuff and you're just like do they care about that yeah yeah i had somebody um that was featuring for ralphie may rest in power um i was like any credits and she was like yeah just say a finalist in montreal and i was like they don't know they like montreal just for laughs doesn't mean anything to these people yeah I don't like getting credits for myself because, I mean, I get it when you're, I think when you're a club and you're an opener, just say like college. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just say clubs and college. If you're the host, you don't need anything.

Yeah. Just say like house favorite. If you're the draft house, you're like host slash featuring. Yeah. That's what they asked me. And I was like, you don't need to say anything. Just say I'm from. Yeah.

We should say the podcast more often. I say that sometimes depending on the show yeah you know yeah and so i just said don't say anything and then she was like really and then the headliner also sarah was like you know maybe something like and i was just because i guess you want to give this like facade and i was like uh i guess you so i told them well and then sarah was like maybe like i don't know like one of dc's favorites or something and i was like sure and then i was like yeah just say like improv and benson ball or something but it's weird to shout out other clubs when you're at a different club though oh i didn't even think about yeah they did it every show yeah well

because they probably didn't know what they were doing. But yeah, I never do that. Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have done that. If you're at the draft house, you're like, a regular at the Better Club down the street. Yeah, yeah. That was so funny when Ramin and I, because I got the gig before I went up on stage. Uh-huh. At ragtime, I got the text. And so Ramin plugged his show. And then I plugged my show.

And then when Ramin took me down. Oh, no, no. I didn't plug it yet. But Ramin was like, Uma, where else are you going to be? And I was like, oh, dude, I'm going to be featuring at the Draft House. He's like, okay, well, you can come see me at the Better Club that weekend. That's awesome. He's like, maybe you'll get there one day, Uma. Yeah, good luck.

It was so funny. Good luck. Yeah. It was. And then the first show I... It's just so... Like the hosting. There's so much to remember.

Yeah. You have to be funny. Yes. You got to be in the moment. But then you also have that stuff logged in your head of like, also coming up at the club in March. We have blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

There were two times I feel like I fucked up this weekend with that. And I felt like... At least it was just you and a headliner. Yeah. Because then you have to remember the feature shit and the headliners and the clubs plugs. That's the worst. I first...

Oh, man. Oh, okay. Then I fucked up three times. Oh, yeah. So the first... Who am I counting? Available for all bookings. Hey, guys, please.

I mean, I crushed every show, but... Yeah, of course. The crowds are so hot, dude. But so the first show i i just like it was just something i just like didn't even think of like i guess like the the cord got tangled so then when she tried to get out she's like oh no umar man you like she you know she kind of just like busting my balls yeah like i had to untangle it yeah she had to untangle it and then i was just standing in the in the back watching her set.

And it was, I guess, near the end. And she thought I was waiting for her to come down. She's like, Umar, I don't know where the light is. No one told me anything. So then into the microphone during the show. And you're not timing her either. And I'm not timing her. I'm just waiting.

I'm just watching the show. Right. And so then I was like, oh, fuck. And I'm not timing her. I'm just waiting. I'm just watching the show. Right. And so then I was like, oh, fuck. And I didn't know what to do. So I just walked out and I was like, yeah, how much time does she have? Did you light her yet? And she's like, no, she'll get the light in five minutes. And then I felt like an asshole.

Well, yeah, it's not your fault. But yeah, you always have that too where it's like the headliner sees you and they're like, what the fuck are you doing here? Yeah. I'm just watching. I think from now on, I'll just stand on the side or some bullshit but yeah it's awkward because if you want to go get a drink or something you have to walk at the dc draft house through the club through the whole club yeah yeah yeah there's no like private way to get through there and then i was supposed to plug the second show

after the late show third show after the late show which is like a local showcase yeah and you know we had like a sold out crowd and i totally forgot to plug the late show because the deal was like hey if you stay it's free it's free yeah meanwhile you're just like what a great show but guys i'm a great i'm a great opener so please yeah uh if you're listening yeah it just sucks to have all that stuff too and then like i, I remember at the improv, they're like, okay, before you bring the headliner up,

um, we have these people coming. And I had to say three different people that were coming up, like three different headliners. Yeah. It was too much. And, uh,

um, I think it was three or like, I, either way, it's like still you're plugging other people. And I think it was John Heffron that he was, he was the headliner. And he's like,

uh, do you have to plug other headliners before me like because they told me to do that but it is weird like think about like if you're the feature and it's like come to the stage is uh before i bring this feature up just know we have three other features coming they're also really good now give it up for this guy yeah no that's weird it can just be kind of weird with that did you stop doing it the rest of the weekend yeah i think i just did it like before the feature and i i don't think the club cared either but it's like more so it's like if you just get it out you're like this person from last has a headliner ever told you to like

have they ever give you unsolicited advice about your material yeah um uh what's his nuts old uh ralphie may no no he was always cool uh the the old school dude yeah bobby slade bobby pitbull pitbull because i did a bit about um shantae a co-worker of mine when i spoke to her mom and her mom thought i was black and uh of course that's the whole bit is that like the spin there right and then he goes uh you should uh you should say that she's white and i was like why yeah i was like a black woman thinking you're a black guy is funny yeah but a white woman thinking that i'm like why yeah and i was like okay and we had already been like having weird conversations already i was like okay yeah i'll think about it oh yeah okay this weekend uh right before the last show

uh uh the sarah was like um she was really nice about it but i guess it had been i felt like it had been bothering her the whole weekend and uh so my closer the i do a joke about spanking and i pull the audience like who's for who's against it and i asked the audience someone who is against it tell me why and she was like why do you do that i think that makes people feel bad and you shouldn't do that and i was like well and and she was like because you know i don't think people think about why they hit kids and then you're making them realize that they don't actually know why they do it. Right. And so then they just feel bad. Right. And maybe you should put it back on you.

And I was just because... That is a good point because you could say, like, I used to think that too. Yeah. Or whatever. Or just like, look, I mean, I was it and look at me. I'm not fucked up. I just go up on stage every night to get strangers attention or something yeah but to me the whole point of the joke is to show that it's like stupid and most people do it

without thinking right but i think i think she is kind of right that uh yeah and you give enough examples to like and you already make fun of the people when they applaud you're like right like yeah it's always more and she did say that she was like it's always yeah those are funny the enthusiasm is funny and then you do the college girl. Like, there's enough examples. Yeah. So I think I will take that. I mean, I took it out the second show and it was fine.

But I personally, I get that if a headliner doesn't want that to happen, I would totally do it. I would say if you're closing out a show, you could do it. Yeah. Because it's more so like, I think she she's like you got to set the table for me too yeah so then and that is my closer so then she has to come up on stage and all these people are like are we bad people right right right so they're just like oh man that kind of sucks and they're up in their head and she's like trying to you know yeah and so yeah i felt so and then but then you know like when someone talks it's almost like a boss kind of reprimanding you, like at your job when you just feel shitty for the rest of

the week or the, you know, whatever. And I just felt so bad. I was just like, fuck. Like, cause then I'm just imagining her waiting to come up on stage and the whole time, like at each time she's like, what the fuck is he doing? You know what I mean? But I did really, I did well. So I don't know. But I think it's more so like the crowd doesn't even know, like what she's like what the fuck is he doing you know what i mean but i did really i did well so i don't know but i think it's more so like the crowd doesn't even know like what she's talking

yeah it just sucks too because it's it's somebody like the crowd doesn't know what's happening like they're not like and now i feel alienated like yeah but she's as a comedian you're hyper aware of the vibe and what what the crowd is feeling and then how her set's going to go and trying to ride your wave. But my thing is more people always clap for it. So you're in the majority. So I wouldn't think that people would feel bad. Same way where it's like people at a Trump rally, like, great.

And then if you single somebody out on Facebook and be like, hey, you're a fucking idiot. They're not like, well, I felt like I was a part of the thing. True. And yeah, and there are like enough examples already and it uh to your point of like feeling bad because it's also it's like it's not even like your boss but it's sort of somebody you look up to as well yeah because you're like i want to do what you're doing yeah yeah and you want that person to be like i have potential right i do yeah exactly exactly i did good, right, Ma?

I mean, Sarah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love me, right? Please have me back. Yeah, exactly. And so. Do you want to spank me? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it was good. It was good advice and something to note. Like, yeah, like if you're opening up a show, maybe don't do that. And also for her, it's just that's her job. Like, yeah, we think about her like, I got a weekend it's like yo this is my life you know yeah she was really nice and even before like she was like hey i want to run some bits by you is that cool is that annoying it was like no that's super like she was like and i think like you you know i feel like you know you would help me like expand these things and what she did too it's something that

makes you better in the long run it sucks in the moment like yeah but it's worse for you right comedically to for her to like fist bump you and be like nailed it 100 each time i'm not and she didn't do it in a shitty way it's just no whenever that happens you're just like oh because you want to nail it but it is that type of constructive criticism that's gonna make you it's cool like it's cool that she didn't because i've had headliners uh like like you know trash me on stage for a couple like mess mishaps and that feels so bad because the crowd's like yeah we saw it too and you're like oh yeah and you're just like fuck i don't know where that yeah sean um brought me aside when i when i was doing the showcases he's like he's yeah, you did well, but I think you're just tagging it too much.

And I was like, oh, which is kind of a good problem to have where it's like you have too much that you're killing your own momentum. And I was like, you know what it is? I'm used to doing those bits in a feature set or a longer thing, but then once you start doing a five-minute set, it's like, do your two tags

and move on. You don't need three or four. and it does suck to be like oh i could have gone better but it is nice to hear that shit so yeah next time you know same stuff with like listening to your set when you had like a rough one or something you're like or like a mediocre one even yeah i think mediocre is kind of worse you're like yeah it's oh buddy, buddy. Ooh, buddy. Man, I haven't listened back to a set in a long time. I record them, though. I do record them. Sometimes when I really bum, I'm like, delete. I'm like, I know I'll learn a lot from this, but whoo.

You know what I learned right now is I deleted that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need to read... You know people who tape themselves having sex? yeah yeah yeah i don't like i don't need to read like if you know you know like you're like people who tape themselves having sex so like if you like if there's one like you know like you set up the camera you're fucking and you come like way too early like you're not gonna watch that shit who does that what psychopath does that uh i heard a story uh before i worked at the school like it's like filming your sets, like during stand-up.

You're like, what was I doing with the cord? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did I touch it with my foot? What am I doing? You're like, what was the pillow set up like? Let's get some low ceilings, dim the lights. I guess this kid like stole his dad's phone, brought it to school. There's a bunch of videos of his dad having sex with a bunch of women on it.

And I guess the kid found them. They're looking at him. school there's a bunch of videos of his dad having sex with a bunch of women on it and i you know i guess the kid found them they're looking at him watch the dad's like here's my phone don't take it yeah yeah don't show it to people the teacher saw it and then like reported the social worker and like uh so she had to make a cps call and like that is she said what is the cps child protective services and like she said like they were both just dying the whole... Because you have to ask questions like, what is it? Are there sounds? Like, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Wow. And they're both just dying laughing. And then you have to call the dad and then tell... And he was like pissed. Wow. Yeah. He was like, I can do whatever I want. This is my phone.

This is my... It is true. Yeah. But you can't expose... If your kid gets exposed to it, it's called, I can do whatever I want. This is my phone. This is my, like, you know, it's like. It is true. Yeah, but you can't expose you. If your kid gets exposed to it, it's called, you know, that's not good. Dang, even if they take your phone? Wow. Yeah. So did he get in trouble?

I'm sure like they had to like follow up with him like every for like a couple months and it was fine. Yeah, that is funny though. But how embarrassing because this kid still goes to school. It's just like every time like a teacher sees you, he's like, oh, I've funny, though. But how embarrassing, because this kid still goes to school. It's just like every time a teacher sees you, he's like, ooh, I've seen your dick. I mean, it could be worse. He's out there crushing the game, apparently. Yeah, he is crushing it.

I hope these women know about it, though. I hope he's not just like... Probably. I hope so. I'm not going to comment on that. I have no idea. I feel like it would be... That is the only creepy part. I hope they know I'm not going to comment on that. I have no idea. I feel like it would be. That is the only creepy part.

I hope they know that that's happening. It's just like, hold on, give me one second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boop, boop. All right. Yeah. I think I've told this on the podcast before, maybe not in a while, but when I worked at Paper Moon, the general manager, Jason,

I worked with him a lot. And I was working the morning shift. So we'd get there. We'd open up at like 7 a.m. So I'd have to get there on the weekends. I'd get there like maybe if I switched up, get there like Sunday at like 6 a.m. to open up. And it's kind of like three or four people. It's like me, a server, and a manager just for a few hours.

So it's like this bare bones crew. everybody's pretty tight and like joking around and then so people that would come in at like 7 a.m we're kind of like the regulars so you got to know them and it's an open restaurant so everybody can see and talk to each other customers and all that stuff and um this one young couple would come in like i think like every sunday just about and jason was close with them so he'd go out and talk to him and they had a kid and uh jason had two kids i think he had one on the way and uh and he's like oh your daughter's getting so big blah blah and they're like oh yeah how's your how's your son and uh he pulls out his phone and he's like he's like oh yeah he's doing pretty good he's doing and he's like sliding the the pictures over and then it's a dick pic and slides it over

and he was so embarrassed and he was just like like just turned red and of course they're laughing they're not like because it's a younger they're not like my word but they're just like holy shit jesus god and like he just went back and like tried to hide and like wash dishes all day and um and he's like what the fuck and he's like well he's like his wife was out of town for like a week and he's like i don't even do that shit but we were like texting each other pictures i forgot it was there that's whatever that's cool as shit if like couples do that yeah but i was just fucking with him like because he he was showing pictures of his kid so that he gets his dick so we're all just like jason why does your kid have that purple head like what's your kid has a weird vein yo your kids are ripped all those all those veins popping out damn dude

man he looks good yeah that's so funny yeah that would be oh my god that would be so embarrassing yeah he was uh pretty embarrassed so uh yeah no I haven't gotten caught in a situation like that. I put a piece of tape over my keyboard or my laptop camera. So, I was like, I doubt work is watching me. But, I mean, if they are, they'd probably fire me by now. I've seen this guy play guitar in his underwear enough. I put it over there. I was like, I don't need all that.

But, like, people get serious about that shit like what if like uh you go to watch a porn site and they hack into your phone they record and like yeah whatever i mean just like yeah like dude everyone knows what you're doing on the internet now there's like comcast can pull up like a fucking like when i was living with three roommates in this house uh my one roommate g he was in charge of comcast and he was like hey man uh this is gonna be awkward but you've been downloading porn and i was like no he's like dude you can tell me like it's fine yeah and i was like dude i promise you yeah he's like you so you didn't download um ass fuckers the porn parody uh for game of thrones called winter is coming c-u-m-m-i-n-g and i was like no but we had a

female roommate at the time like who was really in a game of thrones and we found out it was her but comcast she you know she used uh like it's uh comcast like she used a uh what's that called um vpn no like bit torrents oh yeah yeah and so that's how they found so she got caught yeah and com like i guess those for some reason this porn company really doesn't want people downloading this porn illegally and they sent us a warning letter saying like we'll get fined like 250 like that whatever that fbi warning comes up yeah then he had to talk to her and be like hey emmy so you can't download those porns anymore and she was so and oh she had downloaded all six of them

well she's a fan she's a complete which at that point like i understand watching one ironically but you watched six ironically the only the only credit that i can give her probably is that maybe it was like a bundle a bundle yeah it was like you just like you know like you get a whole discography it's like just let me get one through six once i discovered bit torrents i was just oh my god dude fuck i uh i got in trouble with uh with a buddy because it was when i think there's some power outages so we didn't have power and uh where i was living and then went to a buddy's house and i brought my laptop there it's like right when i got into game of thrones and i was like i need these bit torrents and so like i went there and just brought my laptop there and use their internet and downloaded like a bunch of bit torrents and they got a letter that's awesome

and my buddy was like we have somebody in our house is downloading fucking game of thrones illegally and i was like oh what episode then it was the ones that i got and i was like what a dickhead whoever's doing that. Dude, my friend in College Park, we should probably wrap up, right? Yeah. My friend in College Park,

he got caught downloading BitTorrents. Yeah. So the IT department came, took his laptop, and erased the whole thing. What the fuck? Yeah. They're allowed to do that because he did it on their...

Really? Yeah. Because if you do it on their network, they're the ones who get in trouble. So then they have to show the companies, I guess, that they're not letting it. Right. They're not standing. Right, right. Holy shit.

That sucks. Imagine, you're like, can I back up my papers? I would, dude, I would fucking... Because that's all your music and everything, too. Oh, yeah. It was all gone. Woo. Yeah.

That's fucking crazy.esus christ that's real yeah i was late on that do people still use bit torrents i think so yeah for like movies and stuff for sure it's like uh what was that one pirate bay yeah that's the one i use that one that shit's gone those guys went to jail there's a bunch you can literally just google like you know if you wanted to google like uh like star wars yeah like damn yeah all that shit's out there that's dope but what people use now is that you pay for a vpn yeah it's like the black internet or the uh dark no no so like i have to pee so bad okay i'll come right back oh yeah yeah yeah sorry i'm like oh vpns vp uh peeing um yeah it's just uh it's like basically it just changes your

internet ip address yeah well it keeps changing it right uh yeah i guess i guess it can yeah yeah exactly so either way so it's not linked to like your comcast or whatever off of the dark web and he paid for it with Bitcoin. Yeah. So there's like a Bitcoin ATM or something. Isn't that like, what am I thinking of? I don't think there's an ATM. There's some sort of like weird currency, and there's an ATM for it, like an online currency.

I'm pretty sure it was Bitcoin. It ate like a physical. At Hopkins, there's like a, what? I feel like this is a thing. Because I'm thinking it's coming out of your account a la like a Venmo or PayPal. It's like linked to your... Bitcoin ATM. So how did he pay for it on the dark web with an ATM?

I don't understand. He went and like got cash and then bought something on the internet? So you like get cash, you put... Yeah, so I think these are real like Bitcoin atms yeah right but how did he do it on so you go in the dark i don't know like you i have no idea how it works this doesn't make sense to go it'd be like getting cash to buy something on amazon you know what i mean i don't know i don't know how like bitcoins but that that's what he used to buy the yeah but he bought like chocolate and shit he bought like a chocolate bar was like 20 bucks uh and uh um and you already have the

dark web i was like man life is so great it's weird yeah that is so crazy yeah i still don't really understand how all of it works i'd be too scared of getting caught to do that shit oh bitcoin or just buying weed off the internet oh yeah yeah it's like also yeah like i feel like it's so readily out there it's like why am i risking it to do it online and yeah exactly you're putting a paper trail behind yeah yeah yeah exactly so i don't know but yeah i've mike uh messes with bitcoin pretty hard and then scott's scott's getting into it. Mike Normile. Oh, wow.

And Scott Macklin, the nerd, is getting into it. And I'm like, I just kind of don't. Like, Mike sent me, like, a how-to thing, basically, of, like, how to do it. If I'm that dumb where I'm, like, Googling, like, how to Bitcoin, like, the sites that it's taking me to. But I think if I did a little research. But it's a very risky investment right there's no backing like there's nothing like to but there's also nothing backing our money either like our money is not based on anything well i meant uh excuse me there's no like um insurance like there's no like yeah protection same way if you invest in the stock market basically it's sort of like you

have to look at bitcoin it's like sort of like a stock yeah in a way where it's like just because you put in let's say you put in a thousand dollars to apple doesn't mean it's guaranteed to go up no i'm not no i know what you mean i'm saying like security security wise it's not regulated it's kind of just like this like like yeah that's that scares me too where it's, okay, I put in $100 worth and now it's $1,000. I want my $1,000. They're just like, nah. Yeah, can they do that? They can just do that probably.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess it depends on the websites you go to. Who would you sue? Right. But Mike is really on top of that. I call Mike the consumer reports because he's the guy that like researches all everything. Like every movie makes anything you buy.

He's like, this is actually the best of the best of this yeah yeah so i just asked mike i'm like is this good he's like that's good so much work i did so much research for uh to buy an immersion blender so i can make soup because i like making soup and i was like man i could probably just bought any fucking immersion blender yeah Yeah. But, um, yeah. So, but I guess it is true though. I mean, if you get something decent,

like the, uh, coffee bean, the grinder that I have, Mike's like, I mean, it's okay. Like he gets like the nice one and I'm like,

I don't know. I don't notice the difference of the way like my beans are grinded. That's such a our generation thing. Yeah. Where like you have to have the best of the best where like people used to just go out to eat and they didn't care yeah what they're where the eggs came from or like how shit was you know the reviews it's like bacon is bacon yeah those are eggs and that's it coffee's coffee coffee's coffee now we want like you know everything's craft

everything is like uh this coffee is from fucking Ethiopia. Hyper-specific shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's very, like, yeah, like, niche or something. Like, yeah, where it's just so weird. Now that's why we're paying, like, like some places charge like $355

for just a regular fucking cup of coffee yeah fucking insane yeah and weird stuff too like uh we shouldn't get into this too much because we do it already where we complain about like like this place is a little too hipster yeah yeah yeah like artifact coffee and like uh can i get uh just a small coffee in the medium cup like oh we don't have medium cups i'm like why yeah like they only sell a small coffee i'm medium cup. They're like, oh, we don't have medium cups. I'm like, why? Yeah. Like, they only sell a small coffee. I'm like, why? Why? Well, they do, like, yeah, places do, like, a 12-ounce and a 16-ounce.

Yeah. Or, like, it's, yeah, it's dumb. I don't know. Oh, God, we're such pieces of shit. I don't give a fuck. You know what I am? I'm a venti piece of shit. Yeah.

All right, well, let's. We're, like, when. Oh, go ahead. I was going to say say let's wrap it up oh yeah you know i'm good we can wrap it up i got nothing to say let's do plugs no i'm looking at the outline umar you got one more thing to say it says break for p talk about vpns shit on coffee some guy named koozer koozer just like to post you know shout out to the koo the koo's dude uh let's just do plugs i don't have much to say. Yeah, this Thursday I'm doing Speechless at the DC Draft House.

We have Jason Nunez on there. We have Frankie French and my friend Greg Tindall, who's an improviser. Dylan Meyer and I, Dylan's hosting. I'm also on it. And that's an improvised PowerPoint presentation show where we have a PowerPoint up and yeah we have to explain it like we fucking made it

and yeah it's a lot of fun so that's this Thursday 8 o'clock at the DC Draft House come out to that and that's it

yeah then it got to Tremendous Athlete is doing a show on the 18th with nice it's the 18th yeah

sweet yeah that's Thursday yeah so that's at theth yeah sweet yeah that's uh thursday yeah so that's at the crown and i think that's at eight o'clock too and that's in support of uh height keach his uh record label uh cold rhymes and uh so it's kind of like their showcase show so we're on that which is a lot of fun and uh yeah that's about it for right now besides like open mics and stuff here and there. And yeah. So what do you got? I got January 11th.

I don't know if anyone can come to that, but I'm doing, I guess, like an apartment show at McHenry Row because I'm crushing it. January 13th, two shows at the DC Improv Lounge, 7 p.m. and 9.30 maybe. That's the Kumite. Kumite. Kumite. So come and I need support because it's like two people. It's like a comedy battle kind of. Yeah, it's a competition.

And there's a lot of crushers on that show. So probably not going to make it out of the second round. Yeah. Maybe not even to the second round. Let me not even get cocky. January 28th, I'm doing a variety show. It's free at 13.5 in Hamden at 6 p.m. In 28th, I'm doing a variety show. It's free at 13.5 in Hamden at 6pm.

So I'm just going to try out some new material. So who knows how that's going to go. January 30th. Yeah. Oh, January 26th, I'll be hosting at the Lounge at the DC Improv. Awesome. January the

third Wednesday, I'm doing January 17th. I will be on Ramin's show at the DC Draft House. It's called Couples. Oh, awesome. Yeah, I want to do that. We like interview couples talking about their relationships. Ramin's going to talk to me about my current

relationship. Yeah, it's fun. It's like it's kind of like the old school kind of talk show. Yeah, not like talk show, but like talk show but like daytime right we're talking about like ricky lake yeah and uh yeah and then please buy tickets to my album recording at creative alliance february 18th it's a sunday but not a work night for most people uh because president's day is off on monday hell yeah so lots of shows it's in uh celebration of trump so we all get the day off and oh i forgot this thursday yeah if you're in baltimore uh i'm hosting a free open mic comedy night at joe squared in the basement where i do gin and jokes so come watch the local comics

try out new shit cheap drinks and hang out yeah yeah get into it so yeah i would uh yeah i want to do the next one i would do this one but I have a speech. I'll try to come through after. It will probably be over. Yeah, I think so. I'll try to see what time we get done. But yeah, man. All right. Well, thank you to everybody for listening.

And yeah, find us on the internets and all that stuff. We love you. Thanks for listening. And David Koechner, take us out. Digression Sessions, come coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah