The Digression Sessions - Ep. 241 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: January 29, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are talking about bad crowd work and braces. It's better than it sounds.  Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, and Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Alright, so let's start the podcast for the third time. Welcome to the Digression Sessions Podcast, everybody. Josh Kodern here, my good buddy and former roommate, Umar Khan. Are we just deleting the stuff we talked about? Maybe we'll put it at the end or something. Oh, I don't give a shit.

I didn't know what we should re-talk about. Yeah, we can re-talk about everything. All right. We recorded a whole hour. No, we recorded like 10 minutes and the fucking batteries died. And I don't know. I mean, the recording's on there. I just don't know where we stopped

and where it began and all that. To be fair, you guys did not miss much. Literally, we spent maybe 10 minutes talking about his Keurig machine and waiting for it to work. Yeah, it was pretty close. It was like nine and change for sure. Yeah.

I looked at it. So yeah, big weekend. Umar moved out. Government shut down. I got my braces off you're pretty much caught there you go uh the show yeah yeah i did on friday yeah i did a uh last minute thing in uh in lorton virginia for ramin at uh at the workhouse art center which used to be the prison um and uh that's a cool crowd man yeah they were really good and uh i've

done it before where it was in like the theater space and uh this time he basically kind of had it at the end of like um a gallery yes like an art gallery yeah and it was just much better because you're close to people the theater setting is like more appropriate maybe for like a play like people are just too far away for you to like feel that connection. But yeah, it was nice. It was cool to see Ramin. And then he did well as always. He's featuring again at the improv this weekend. He's crushing.

Dang. No, he's at the draft house. Oh, yeah. But he's doing it for Jay Moore. Those are going to be packed shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be interesting. I wonder how Jay Moore is.

I'm sure Jay Moore will not steal any of Ramin's jokes. And we'll let him sell merch. But yeah no rami and man i just have so much respect for that guy yeah me too just so cool like him and his uh ex-wife are still really cool like they're both there she was at the show yeah he had all three of his kids there it was uh it was really cute like because he would like go from like hosting checking on the show and then checking on his kids yeah and uh his kids are so funny they're he was like guys you remember mr josh right you know because they're like still like that age you have to be like mr and like i guess that does make sense i'm like 31 but it feels so weird feels weird and then like i'm like and uh they like jokingly got up to like shake hands and be like hello and like they're being

like so it's really funny and it's like hey i'm it's like hey j got up to like shake hands and be like, hello. And like, they're being like, it was really funny. And it was like, Hey, I'm like, Hey Josh, good to see you again. And he goes, my name's lemon.

And the other one was like, my name's party. Yeah. And I was like, now this I like, but now he goes potato. Nice to meet. Oh no,

that's how he's like potato. Nice to meet you. And I was like, okay. It's like lemon. Okay. Nice to meet you. then i i saw ramin later and i was like hey uh because he did a bit about his kids like not listening to him yeah like not behaving and i was like yeah and i you know not to not to i don't know make it worse or piggyback on that but uh your kids were pretty rude earlier they told me that their names were potato and lemon

and they might be i don't know how muslim culture works i don't know the name is he muslim uh no dad uh i i assume oh yeah you're on yeah yeah yeah um but uh he was just dying laughing he's like for some reason they think lemon and potato are like the funniest fucking like they do it all the time i bet you they mean something and like and we don't know like i bet like it's like a thing in schools with kids like they're students so hard to keep up with shit it's nuts yeah yeah uh just a quick tangent it's kind of related to that but of course karen and i are still on that vanderpump rules tip yeah and we're watching a reality yeah reality show it's just some of the worst people on earth but uh these uh the episode this week these uh these

terrible people were out to like go get drinks and hang out and uh they got in like this huge fight and one of the characters is uh this young british guy dj james kennedy and uh he was like you guys don't like my girlfriend and they're like no we like her fun we had all her pasta the other night he's like fuck you and i was like what is he we had all her pasta like at his dj it's like he's freaking out about that and then they like get in a fight and then like they're in the street and she's like she's like and you were yelling about the pasta and he's like it's not about the fucking pasta they're like who are these people that are like that? That show cannot be real. Yeah, but apparently pasta is their code word for cocaine when they're on camera. And I was like, oh.

How'd you learn that? Well, I didn't learn it from listening to a podcast about the show with Karen. I'll tell you that. Karen and I are like the most white yuppie motherfucker. We're just listening to a podcast about a reality show making a blue apron. Like, Oh,

interesting. But it's like, that makes so much more sense. Why a dude would be like, it's not about the fucking pasta. What? That is so dumb. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And so easy to crack too. You're like, Oh, that makes so much sense. Yeah. God damn.

Yeah. So anyway, I think Ramin's kids are talking about cocaine. Clearly. Clearly. Yeah. Potato and lemon is cocaine i put i uh produced a women's march show uh at joe squared on saturday so yeah saturday we moved you out we had some nice bro conversations about the whole aziz that was yeah that was a fun uh i want it because the last year me and you we went to dc we marched and uh i would have liked to do that again i just you know i had to move and it was just funny because it was like me my brother you evan my buddy steve yeah we're all just like i mean how bad was the z's in that story

it wasn't obviously like i didn't read the article. So I don't know. Yeah. Now you fucked up. What I'm just kind of gleaming is like he was just kind of an asshole. Yeah. But again, I didn't read. I don't know. He kept like putting his hand, her hand on his dick after she told him she wanted to slow down. He just seems like stupid and like inexperienced.

It's either it's sexual harassment or aziz is really bad at sex so it's not a good scenario things like he's probably just drunk too and then he was i think he probably was and then the girl like i think he's just like oh this girl like she just wants to hook up yeah like let's just get to it and which is not cool no yeah but there was like a line he used allegedly where um she was like hey maybe on the second date like i don't want to have sex with you tonight or i don't want to like rush too much tonight that was older yeah and then so he poured her a second glass of wine he's like does this count as a second date like that doesn't even make sense nice conception like what is i don't understand the

joke or the like second glass of wine they're on the second one glass of alcohol on the first date like every alcohol glass is yeah it's another date yeah obviously yeah it makes you know aziz is the one comic where like if i don't think his career is over but if it was he's a one comic where people would actually believe it when people like i didn't really think he was that funny anyway. Yeah. That is annoying. Cause it's like Bill Cosby, funny,

funny, like, and, uh, and very influential, very, I mean, they changed the comedy game. Like no one was as famous as Bill Cosby was back then as a comic,

even like, like a few years ago, even before it all came out, Karen and I rewatched, uh Seinfeld documentary, Comedian. And when Bill Cosby comes up, it's like, whoa. Because Chris Rock is talking to Jerry about it. And he's just like, we saw Cosby the other day. And he's just the best of all time.

Oh, yeah. He's a killer. Two hours and 15 minutes of just killer material. Made me want to be a better comedian. Wait, the one in the 90s with Orny Adams? Yeah, yeah, yeah. hours and 15 minutes of just killer material made me want to be a better comedian document the wait the one in the 90s with orny adams yeah yeah yeah like late 90s early 2000s um you're like oh yeah and then i remember that yeah the whole end of it is jerry seinfeld like he goes to open for bill cosby and then he's like he's just he's done so well i mean he's at that next level that's what

i want to do and you're like oh yeah wasn't seinfeld at that next level. That's what I want to do. And you're like, oh, yeah. Wasn't Seinfeld at that level? Because that documentary came out after the show was over. Yeah. So but he kind of like stopped doing stand up like Bill Cosby was doing theaters. It was something like 4000 people, but like two shows a day. Yeah. Something like that. Really?

Like, holy shit. That's crazy. I mean, that's unbelievable. And Bill Cosby goes, this is like the perfect amount of people it's like thousands of people you're like holy shit um yeah he did stand up recently in philly i heard it was great can you imagine being in a club and i mean obviously people still adore him and i've talked to a lot of people that are, you know, they're like, well, these are just allegations. Yeah.

It's just 60 women all have the same. How do you watch a fucking guy who's been accused of raping 50 upwards of 250 women or something? And just like, like, like doing cute observational jokes about like raising kids. So North Korea is at it again what uh yeah i i think the washington post had a um uh article or something but like basically the uh the crux of it was like yeah he's not as funny since that stuff happened it's like yeah yeah oh the post really you know with the with the with the very unique perspectives oh buddy oh my god um yeah so yeah it's it's weird to see but i don't know i feel like is he

i think a i mean like net Netflix didn't pull his stuff. And I think he could easily come back. I don't know. I don't think he can. Like I was saying on Saturday, seriously, if he just comes out, he's like, I'm sorry. No, because then that makes it seem like he's making light of the situation. He built a whole branding of being a nice guy, non-threatening, a feminist. And his behavior is like the antithesis.

Antithesis, yeah. God, I can't speak. Is the exact opposite. Let me use a smaller. Let me use two smaller words instead of one big, nice word. Different than the thing he said at a different time about the other stuff. And he's not like a kind of comic who is controversial or would talk about like he doesn't talk about like personal shit really yeah yeah

like louis i think he will be back in a year probably wow and he will and he probably will he will talk about i think he is so you have to you have to talk about it i mean it's the thing on everybody's mind with all these guys yeah no way did you do you listen to joe list podcast tuesdays with stories no no here and there but yeah they consistently uh well they were saying how they did a whole podcast and talking about how great louis is and how much they love him and how much they brought them both on the road supporting him yeah him. So obviously they have personal stake in the game because Louis gets them paid probably very well. But they're also friends with him, and I think they respect him as a comic.

Well, yeah. I mean, he's like one of the best to ever do it, and he's like, yeah, you're good. Come on the road. Their argument is that it was a long time ago. They think he learned his lesson, and he's punished enough. Here's what I say to that is like, didn't oh there it goes the fucking kid like here's what here's the thing

about sexual harassment my keurig works um he didn't i mean he didn't even really apologize he just said yes he denied it for so long yeah and it was like yeah and he didn't come out uh officially until like new york times like we're gonna run the story he's like oh yeah it's all true but it sucks like it really robbed it robs those women of like their agency like basically their lives to be like no that's not true yeah that's shitty it is it's really no i'm not saying what they said was i don't agree with what they were saying i know but i mean but so what i was saying is that they're like oh that was like a while ago it's like well not really because i mean up until like a week before it he was like no that's not true yeah well anyway so when they told louie like hey we did this podcast and he was like don't put that

out like i just want people to forget about it i just want to move on wow yeah so it sounds like he's probably waiting for a comeback and the comedy seller said he's welcome to perform anytime he wants yeah anytime anytime they said he's family whoa yeah crazy yeah so did you just dump all that coffee hold on josh has been complaining for the last 20 minutes of his caring not working. It finally worked, and he literally just dumped all the coffee in the fucking sink. So what I'm doing is... Guys, I say he's not allowed to perform comedy ever again for just being a privileged piece of shit. Okay, first of all, those are just rumors.

I mean, no one actually saw me pour it out. Hey, I saw it. It's my word against yours. And why are you naked right now well it's my house and that's how i want to be comfortable uh no so i put a reusable cup that i used earlier in there because i didn't know what the fuck was going on i just wanted the water to flow through so that was like a used one from earlier and now i'm just like pouring through these fucking cups let's see what's going on.

I'm so distracted by this fucking cure. It's fucking annoying. Anyway. Yeah. Anyway. Let's go to less important things. Sexual harassment. Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, he'd have to like if he comes out and he's like really honest and like actually apologetic. But I don't know, man. I think he I think he might have to work outside because do you know kathy griffin i listened to an interview with her no one is fucking with her right now because of the trump stuff remember where yeah yeah like held up the head or whatever like posing a picture where she had trump severed head holding it up yeah yeah she's like blackballed from Hollywood. Why? People thought it was disgusting.

And yeah. So now she's. Remember little Baron Trump thought it was real. Oh, no, he didn't. They just made that up, right? Well, I don't know. I mean, if he did, he's a fucking idiot like his dad. I think.

I mean, it is also like kind of rumored that he might be autistic as well. So. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Or as you call him a fucking idiot. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know.

I'm not in the medical profession. She. Yeah. So she, I listened to a, I think it was like a podcast or some interview and she was saying how like she's essentially blackballed from, yeah, like she's not like, like bookers won't fuck with her. Man. So she's doing a lot of stuff in like europe now right she's touring europe and she's gonna shoot a special in europe yeah okay and uh i feel bad for her i think i i kind of don't i don't i don't know like

she just kind of annoys me she's not yeah she's a very annoying person but just like her whole career is like built off of like gossip and dirt. And, you know, you know what? You're right. I mean, I don't know. I'm like a fucking outside observer. I'm just like, she's not. Oh, no.

But like the whole thing, like all of her stand up to me just seem like gossip queen. Fun of celebrity. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. That's why I don't like Chelsea lately or whatever. Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Handler.

Yeah. Like she's just Yeah, that's why I don't like Chelsea Lately or whatever. Chelsea Handler. Oh, Chelsea Handler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, she just shits. She's just mean. Yeah, yeah. Like, she's just, like. It is weird to me. Yeah, like, and people like Wendy Williams. Do you know who that is?

Oh, yeah. People would have these shows that just shit on other people. I'm like, what the fuck do you do? She's a literal crazy person. Yeah. Like, she was shitting on, um. She got, like, uh. She was shitting on, like, she got, like, uh, she was shitting on, like, Michael Jackson

or something. Really? Like, Michael Jackson's daughter, who's, like, 19, like, I guess, like, you know, like, said shit about Wendy Williams on Facebook and just, like, what the fuck is Wendy? Yeah, she's a hero. But Wendy Williams, we can't make fun of, like, trans people, right? They are a hero. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy. Should we start the podcast again? I don't give a fuck. I just don't want to cut that part out. No, don't. I don't give a shit. Okay. Never mind. I'll remind you of shit. Okay. Ah, never mind.

I'll remind you of a joke you made after the podcast. A joke I made? Yeah. Allegedly? Allegedly a joke you made. Allegedly? Well, yeah. So, yeah, we've...

See, people, because you bully comics, we can't even be as funny as we want to be. Yeah, it's your fault. We have to do it in privacy. Well... That's the problem. People still say and think the way they think. They just do it secretly. I mean, that's why Comptown is so big, I think.

Yeah, I think so, too. Because they kind of just tapped into a thing of like, fuck it. I'm just going to say whatever. I don't know. I don't care. And Nick fucking, what commercial is he in? IBM? No, Geico.

That's still. I think he might. Yeah, I think it's a podcast commercial he's a voice yeah so it's an audio commercial and uh where'd you hear it on the pti podcast so i don't know if it's on all espn podcast or if it's also on like the radio i don't know dude he's still probably making a fuck ton of money he cracked me up so much on the latest podcast when they were talking about Monique. Oh, I didn't hear this one yet.

Oh, my God. I'll just tell you just this part. They're like, yeah. Well, just do you want to give the context of this story? Yeah, yeah. So Monique is asking people to boycott Netflix because she thinks she was low-balled. Because they were low-precious from it. Oh.

Yeah, because the offer that they gave her was like for 500 grand for a special did you hear the real story no you refuse to send an audition tape and they would have given her three million dollars so she wanted a deal without them seeing her oh yeah so it's kind of like i mean who gives a shit i'm a fucking open mic comic so like right yeah yeah i mean we can literally say that before anything we say on this podcast yeah you're right so i mean i'm sure people understand that but also and then people are like man she's like she's a fucking she won an oscar you're gonna do her like that and like she won an oscar for comedy who gives a she didn't want an oscar for stand-up it's all supply and demand no one she's not bringing netflix that many much viewers yeah

they don't give a whole different ball game too if it's like hey we will give you three million but like what are you what are you working with yeah exactly so maybe she thought like i don't know i've won an oscar i don't have to send you this i deserve it's like well not really because i mean maybe it's just like the people we hang with but i don't know a lot of people that are like yeah i need a monique special you know i mean like you know she started here yeah yeah yeah yeah my co-workers used to go watch her oh no shit yeah but so anyway so what said stop was like yeah he's like yeah they lowball her for uh 500 grand netflix was gonna pay her by the pound

oh my god everyone listen to Calm Down, please. You're not listening to Calm Down. I don't know what you're doing. Yeah, you need to... It's like, I mean, next to Dig Sesh. The best podcast. The best. They just say whatever they want, and there's no repercussions.

Also funny. Yeah. I think Nick did lose a commercial once because of it, I think, but I'm not sure. Whatever. They're making $25,000 think, but I'm not sure. Whatever. They're making $25,000 a month. That's not even an exaggeration. Yeah. It's up to 25 grand.

Wow. Oh, yeah. It might even be more than that, too, now. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's crazy. That's crazy. Could you imagine, dude?

No. We made 25 grand for this. Yeah. I mean, you have to pay a lot in taxes, I think. Yeah. They do it quarterly, too. Yeah. Because it's a business. Yeah. Yeah but still jesus fucking christ anyway we should get a sponsor

yeah how would we even do that i don't know anyone listening you want to sponsor this i yeah i would love that yeah now we could like start local we could do like a common ground or like or do uh sugar or something like that okay i in i know now that it's like such an industry there's like marketing places like designed just for that so they're like we'll take your podcast and then we'll like talk to all the usual suspects like the uh uh what's the fucking one stamps.com and shit like that but uh yeah i don't know i'm i'm too lazy and uh too disengaged we're recording a podcast on a thursday that should come out on a monday yeah i know it's true and we started three times our battery died i fucked with the carriage for

most of the time um but you know we were we were busy got uh yeah moved you out i went got braces taken off and moving sucked yeah well i mean it was fine this i thought it was pretty good it was easy but uh it was just a stressful like i just don't you know like all you like after you know everyone leaves yeah you walk in your room and there's just boxes and you're just like it's overwhelming yeah yeah like where do you fucking start i wanted to like put all my shit away and get it set up and then yeah i had to run a show that night and i wanted to get a workout in because but you said that's because these broads can't run a show themselves yeah like you know women fucking yeah they need the guiding hand right yeah they need a man to fucking

walk them through everything absolutely and uh so. And so I went to the venue. So I was really tired and I didn't have time to work out. So I like showered super quick and I went to the venue and I had to set up by myself. And set up can take like if you're doing it alone an hour. And the show was billed for eight and the venue fucked up. Oh, no. Dude, there was a surprise birthday party downstairs woof there was a party of seven and then every booth downstairs was occupied and no one had put

orders in yet and it was 650 jesus and i was like i was lose i like i was losing my mind i had no idea man going fucking insane. I almost canceled the show. I was like, I'm not doing this. This is stupid. And I was like, no one's going to come because we didn't set up a ticket page because I was just like, let's do donations. And also, dude, Baltimore is cheap. So many people walked in without giving a single donation.

Dang. But at the same time, they're like, yeah, women's rights. Yeah. Exactly. Fight the power. Resistance. Resistance. giving a single donation dang but at the same time they're like yeah women's rights yeah exactly like that's like resistance you can oh you're you can like buy beer but you can't fucking just donate like five dollars like that's well yeah that's essentials you know yeah i gotta get loose if i'm gonna get woke you know what it was unbelievable to me but uh anyways so yeah and it all worked out fine my girlfriend just like a pastor though with like the collection plate going around like oh yeah and also i will say this uh woke people hipsters uh it wasn't the traditional crowd like they were cool they're really nice but yeah if they're not used to being

at a comedy show you don't know how to act god damn i want to chatty they were super chatty like at one point one naomi like had to like just stop and be and for like it took her like a minute to get them to shut the fuck up god that sucks i hate doing that because then like then they're like all right now you have our attention and then they're fucking cunts about oh right it was also men in the crowd and then uh mostly whenever i say cunt i'm always usually talking about a guy yeah or any other car that's on the road and then one person you know i guess like they were upset that people got upset that there weren't tables and like well how are we gonna eat and it's like uh i mean you know you can sit at the bar or you can like put in your lap but yeah and and so like i

heard people complaining look this is dumb and i was like yeah it keeps you it makes you more attentive to the show yeah and the show's about is about comedy not you eating yeah exactly and you're there to like support like women and you're watching an all-women comedy show right all right and uh i don't have money to donate to the women's march but i do have money for sushi yeah where's my so it's just funny it's just like this show for women and there's just like this one bearded brown dude walking around telling everyone to shush the like shush and like people do not like being shushed no no one likes that but it's also like and i'm like super rude i'm just like like, shh. And I just walk away.

I don't even look at them. I don't give them time to respond. And like, yeah, I don't know. I just, I'm really OCD with the setup of a comedy show. Right. Like I was so pissed. Like people like turn chairs to use them as tables. And I was like, don't do that.

Because what if people want to sit there? Yeah. And there were people in the back row. Everyone sat, you know, people sit in the back back row i was trying to get them to move up the up close no one wanted to move yeah and it was just like fucking annoying but yeah it uh at least at least you don't have to perform though if you had to do all that and host oh they would have hated me like you're on the edge of like having a meltdown oh yeah yeah i was i just got hammered it was great yeah and it turned out

great like the audience by right uh i would say actually by the time like this like after the host got off stage um they were great and they were by the halfway through like the whole room was full awesome so it was really nice yeah yeah yeah just the the stress of putting a fucking show together sucks especially when it's not like your regular venue yeah or a regular crowd and stuff yeah yeah so it's like all right now i gotta set up the chairs set up the lights and people like do you mind if we actually so i'm gonna yeah oh and then so i completely move all the furniture in the room downstairs uh and there is like and we told everyone there's a show starting yeah one one, the party was really nice. They moved upstairs.

They were cool about it. Oh, that's awesome. And so there's these boots. And I move all the boots. Yeah. And this one group of old people, they just literally, the whole room was set up. And I just needed to wait for them so I could move their two boots and complete the setup. Yeah. And these people, I think on purpose, like very passive aggressively took their fucking time.

Like half the room was full and they were still just sitting talking. Wow. Check. They already paid. I was pissed. Dang. That's a new level of petty. Like, no, we're not going to leave.

It's like, are you guys even enjoying it? Just a bunch of old broads, you know, holding up a women's March benefit show. Is this what you guys want? Yeah. Speaking of, I still have that money. I emailed the people and I was like, hey, how do I get this to you? And they're like, oh, we'll get back to you. And it's been since Saturday.

Dang. Oh, you know what? She actually emailed me, said you should buy me a new Keurig. She said that, yeah. Like, because, you know Because you want to get woke? You need caffeine. No, they were really nice. They advertised the show.

That's awesome. Yeah, it was cool, man. I think I want to do more stuff like charity shows. Yeah, that's a good way to... It's also selfishly a good way to feel good too. Because then you're doing a thing that you like as well. And then so it's kind of like putting that towards something good. Yeah. Yeah, like we can put on a good show and then yeah it was nice like people sent me some messages

saying they had a good time someone sent me an email saying they had a good time so that was cool awesome yeah you know good deal and i was like i don't really care what women think but yeah okay like why aren't you emailing me about sandwiches yeah yeah what's going on i was like did you buy a ticket to my album recording on february 18th at the creative alliance theater you know you should march your ass down to motherfucking creative alliance oh man uh yeah what did i i forget what i ended up doing saturday i don't even remember now um uh yeah so yeah i had the show friday uh yeah got the braces off that was fun that was so like my uh my orthodontist is uh pretty aloof oh god and uh so like the time before you go to like your appointment before you get them off you get the impressions to like make your retainers uh-huh um so so we did that

and then like all right next time you get them off and so monday i go in and uh the tech came over and she's like all right so i just want the orthodontist to come over make sure everything looks good like i'm sure she'll say it will but like wait orthodontist is a woman yeah exactly asian woman too oh boy and she does have a thick accent i used to talk about it on stage i think people just didn't believe me just Yeah, they think you're being racist. All right. Yeah, I'm sure she does. Those days are gone.

Yeah, yeah. Like, no, that's literally how she sounds. It does not matter. Anyway, I'm about to do it on the podcast. Go do it. Do it. But so... And she's nice.

We get a look. So she comes over to look and she goes... So first of all, what was really was really funny she goes best we gonna do and i'm like i'm fine because i i feel like i mean other people have been like no they look good like i think they look good but they're not like there's little stuff that i see that i'm like oh that could be but i'm like fuck it like it's been two years and nine months originally supposed to be a year and a half to two years and like they're way better than they were when we started right totally fine like get them off yeah so she says best best we're gonna do and then she goes impression today next time you come in come off like and i go no no no no no

uh we did that last time like they're coming off today yeah she's like okay and then how long did it take? It ended up taking probably about like an hour from when I was in like the chair where they got like the wires off. Seems like it should be so easy to take shit off. So, but these, I didn't realize the ceramic ones were like, they're different when you take them off. The metal ones, you basically just kind of like melt the like adhesive or whatever they use yeah so like they put like using like a light or whatever like kind of melts it and they take it off the ceramic ones they had to take a fucking they had to take pliers and just break them all the way around and then you still have like cement like adhesive on your teeth and she had to take a

drill and like get all that shit off oh my god yeah i hate the dentist i haven't been in like six years oh i went to the dentist today i'm like all about that shit now i'm like yeah get in there clean that shit let's do it yeah but so you'll appreciate this just real quick uh so when i was like no no no no they're coming off and she's like oh okay like walked away the vet tech goes to the other vet tech she goes he said no no no no no i was like yeah so she was asian too jewish lady oh jewish asian jew okay i i don't have any jokes to make about that but no that is like really how she sounds and it sucks so my impressions when they did it um you still have your braces on right yeah and that's how it goes i mean i guess they have a way to like kind of compensate for that yeah but the top one kept breaking when she

took it out she did it twice so essentially they're like putting in like plaster rubber like cement or whatever in your mouth you can't really breathe and she's like trying to yank it out and fucked it up and like buddy she's like yeah so she broke that and she goes well we'll just we can just like glue it and then it'll be fine and so it is fucked up when i put it in like i cannot talk like if i have both of them in there's no way i can talk normal like it is a fucking nightmare but you only need to put them in when you sleep right no she's like you need to wear these like all the time even when like basically only time that you should not be wearing them is when you're eating i'm like that's not gonna fly like i have to get this adjusted watch i'll show you it sounds like

a fucking nightmare so what do you do with like so this is how it sounds it's a fucking nightmare i can't i can't be like hey guys what's going on do you is that something you can get used to i don't i just think that it's fucked up like does it feel bad yeah it doesn't like fit right damn so i need to get that orthodontist you know let's tap into the the the doctor community to get sponsors let's just like push pills and shit i would do it sounds like you just want to be a drug rep i would uh in a heartbeat no we're not like sexy women you have to be like a really good looking excuse me oh are you uh i might present as like a really masculine awesome male and guess

what i identify as that too maybe oh i had a really funny uh never mind that's another joke for off the punk wow a lot of a lot of a lot of too hot for the pod material uh i actually know a guy like speaking of the drug rep thing where um oh yeah did i tell you about this did we talk about on the pod no you got me but i just like that anyway because i know who this is in your life yeah yeah but basically so he's a drug rep where um so now like uh pharmaceutical companies are getting away from uh pain meds that are in pill pills yeah and so they're gonna go with cream because there's less of a stigma to it but it's still the same stuff it's as addicting probably yeah so like he has to like he his job is to basically like get doctors to like start

you know pushing recommending this stuff and then if the doctor does that and the person gets a prescription that doctor gets a kickback i'm like how is that legal that's crazy i thought that was i'm almost positive i thought that was illegal it has to be right but i don't know i don't know exactly yeah so i don't know for a cream yeah found a loophole. Exactly, yeah. So I don't know. For a cream, yeah. Yeah, I have no idea. But isn't that insane? That's great. Dude, like when...

Like you go in for strep throat, he's like, you know what? You need heroin cream. Yeah, like when I went to... The last time I did go to a dentist, I fucked up. I was an idiot and I went out of my network. Ooh. And they fucking told me like, yeah, we accept your insurance. And, you know, I was like an idiot.

I was like 23 years old. Damn. You were just a young, fresh-faced Umar. And so my dad was like, Umar, why is there a dentist bill for like $250? Oh. And I said, they told me they took the insurance. And he said, well, they don't. But when I went, it was In invisalign shit everywhere yep and like

you could tell and like the the dentist he was like the stereotypical like just had like weird rich guy vibes like super white like teeth like uh but super tan yeah like maybe collagen injections sure and he's talking to me and he's like you ever think about braces and i was like because i do have a fucked up bottom row and i said they're not bad yeah i mean they're kind of fucked okay yeah that's yeah yeah yeah yeah i've never i've never been like right and so i look at those. Right. And so I said, yeah, you know, I don't really care how they look. It's fine. Like, I'm fine with the way my face. He's like, but how are you going to get hot babes?

Yeah, yeah. And so he's like, he goes like, well, you know, we're having a night. Invisalign's coming in. We're going to have some free food and drinks here. I think it's a party. Yeah, I know. Like, it's like a social. Yo, listen, listen man we're going

to the club invisalign's coming through we're getting bottle service dog fluoride's gonna be everywhere it'll be fucking wild uh listerine's doing a guest drop-in set it's gonna be tight yo crest might come through fam and he's just like really pushing invisalign on me he's gonna be brochures and i just want to be like now i'd be like dude how much fucking money are you making off this shit like isn't that paying for your is the line paying for your yacht like that's crazy absolutely absolutely because then you can get away with it too because i'm sure even like the nicest pair of teeth you're like you could yeah you know and so could move this just like a fraction of like a millimeter when when he's explaining he's like you know you know your teeth like it might seem okay now but

when you get older it's gonna start moving around and you ever see older people where they'll have like a tooth sticking this way and that way like you know i don't want that to be you and i'm like i'm picturing him like on a mirror like cutting cutting up Coke. He's like, now, listen, man, you're going to want to work on this. He's like, now do some of this and sign this contract for Nevisalign. I said, God damn. I love being a dentist. Yeah. And then you ever put Novocaine in your dick to last longer?

Yeah. And then we were wrapping up. He's like, so you're in school. I was working. I was like, no, but I'm going to go back for grad school. And he's like, so you're in school. I was working and I was like, no, I'm, but I'm going to go back for grad school. And he's like, would you study?

I said, psychology. He said, Oh yeah, I studied psychology. But then, you know, I had a neighbor of mine who,

who, who's kind of like, I don't know, money savvy. And he's like, well, what are you going to do? Like,

how are you going to make money? You can't make money with psychology. So, and that's when I became a dentist. I was like, why are you telling me this? Like, gonna make money you can't make money with psychology so that's when i became a dentist i was like why are you telling me this like you're just in it for the money which is fine but fucking make a fucking illusion that you're here because you give a shit about something nope with helping people nope that's like completely completely bald just like yeah like i'm straight up i'm here to make money yeah actually i grew up with speaking of coke and dentist um one of my friends dated this guy his and his parents they're still married he's a really cool dude uh his parents i guess like had uh they were like fucking filthy rich fucking like just

crazy rich i remember his sister like went to jail i'm not sure exactly what happened but she was driving and um i think like the story that i heard is not realistic but apparently she was driving they they hit like a patch of like road that was under construction so it was gravel okay and i guess she like stopped all of a sudden and her best friend flew out of the windshield like went through the windshield like you must be going like over 100 miles per hour right like that's impossible i know a girl that flew out of her own car twice by the way twice yep wait yep is this some white trash eastern shore shit not quite white trash but just like wouldn't you put a seat belt on after the first one did you go out the windshield or was a car tumbling and she

i think she i think both times she flew out of like it was like a convertible situation what is she doing now laying in the middle of route 8 on stevensville no she's like a mom now so damn man her body's probably fine too like not like good but i mean like she's okay like i have so many ancient pains i think she is yeah dude i uh anyway so i'll finish sorry so then like this i think that girl like was facing like jail time um i'm sure for like reckless driving yeah the parents like a couple a year later um also got in trouble because they were doing like coke and then working on patients so they had a private practice that they did together wow yeah could you imagine like your relationship goals huh like you like i think like what happened was like it was so bad like like the dad like cut himself

while working on somebody but didn't realize it or something crazy at least he cut himself dude i was like when she was getting that shit off of my teeth like first of all like it's a drill yeah like it's like the finest little bit and just the noise that it makes cavities and yeah so i was wearing the glasses and like while she's doing that shit i'm just closing closing my eyes, like trying to like meditate, basically not focus on it. But when I did open my eyes, I saw like a flume of like smoke fly out of my mouth. I was like, that's my teeth. Yeah, they should let you should.

I'm going to ask to bring headphones next time because I can't deal with this. I almost did ask this time, but because I had them and I was like, fuck it. It doesn't even hurt. It's just that sound creeps me out. Yeah. was like let's just get through it like there was only one point where like it actually like hurt you're the tech like oh he said get through it my man when i get through the same chick that was doing that by the way afterward she's like you sound almost identical to my ex-boyfriend like thank god he told me that after because the whole time i just picture just breaking those things she's like uh-huh yeah you're just out with your boys

breaking all that shit but so yeah while my the orthodontist has like the drill like getting off like the cement and shit off my teeth like several times people are coming over there like dr win um so i my patient i'm like do not talk to her like she has like a drill on my teeth like and she's like uh-huh okay yeah i'm like god let her concentrate but i guess i guess for her it's like she she actually the guy before me she was just doing the same thing so it's just like oh it's just like yeah it's another yeah biggie yeah and i didn't realize my retainer was fucked up like she even fixed it a little bit and i was like oh we're good and then she's like all right and like didn't even look at me and for me it's this momentous occasion like we did it they're off and like didn't even like she was looking at

a file she's like okay but are you gonna do a so are you gonna have a new closer now yeah i'll be like hey y'all ever be happy yeah i think you could still do it nah i don't want to do it yeah i mean if if it like comes up naturally or something, like if a crowd member mentioned something about braces or something, but I'm honestly looking forward to writing and doing shit again. It's scary, man. I'm thinking about it now, and I have some irons in the fire. Yeah.

Actually, I really like this new five minutes I'm going to open my special, I don't want to call it special, my recording with, and I'm just like, man special, I don't want to call it a special, like my recording with. And I'm just like, man, should I save that? Because in that way, I have something to build off of. Hey, let me tell you this. Noah, like to the extent that you're doing that, you're fine. Like, you know, it's not like Tom Segura

is like going out on the road, like doing the fight. Like, you know, I don't think you have to worry about that. No, you're right. But I just, in terms, like I don't want to sell something that of jokes i'm doing yeah but i think even if you do there's enough there like and it doesn't mean also that like everybody's gonna buy like if you host a week on the dc improv like you can put those five minutes in your 10 minute set yeah that's true and then be like yeah and then you're like well there's like 40 minutes of other shit i haven't done yeah exactly and it might be different by that time anyway true because you know so yeah i wouldn't get too up in your head about that yeah

but it's scary to think like oh man like how do you go up on stage and not do yeah these fucking jokes i keep thinking about it as like i mean i don't know shit about it but i keep thinking about it as like um in like farming um terms like everybody everybody yeah well just like everybody loves the harvest part where like you can you just like go to the farmer's market like i want this this is great this is great like you're gonna be at the point and i'm there too where it's like you gotta start digging up dirt putting seeds and yeah some shit gross make it fun because like just like last night like i was gonna do a mic and then i just you know i was just like well i don't have anything new and yeah it's not like who get like why do i want to go do shit that i know works right and then so you kind of get lazy

that way and uh and then i think like when you're not trying to write it makes it harder to write because you're not like out there and thinking about joke premises yeah it's like going to the gym and being like yeah run six miles when you haven't run and yeah yeah it's really hard yeah you gotta stretch out and that's kind of the part that i'm looking forward to as well like i feel like because i kind of had that too of like fuck not i gotta start like writing like completely new shit and like because i write really slow as it is yeah like also i'm like also i think like people know that i'm funny i know that i'm funny and it's gonna work out and there's gonna be shitty sets but everybody has shitty sets and then like inevitably something's gonna

come out of it yeah there's certain places i don't mind having shitty sets and then there are certain places where i'm like oh definitely where you're like i know this is an open mic yeah i mean big hunt for sure like i wouldn't go up at big hunt and be like oh man i got nothing yeah because you have so many people who are watching you and then you want to get booked for feature spots well also the crowd is usually hot too and everybody else is killing and so so you know i'm just gonna i'm gonna work on stuff around here and, like, take it slow and then just try to, like, take it down there to D.C. more and, like, shape it up. But even that, I think, is something when Stav, one of the come boys, was in town. We were hanging out and he was like, dude, you know, he and I won't mention names but he was like why are people doing like jokes that they were doing when i left like three years ago yeah open mic like you should this is just a place

for you to get better right right and i was like yeah and then so my goal is is to not you know yeah like rely on yeah sometimes you need a little bit of that stuff yeah you want to like an ego boost and or if you haven't done comedy for in like a week and it yeah and it's kind of not even yeah maybe an ego boost to some extent but you also need to have like the crowd trust you a little bit right so a new premise so yeah yeah dude i got yeah speaking of so i was working on that new five minutes and there is a spot in that five minutes that is uh I think people appreciate it, but it is a hard pill to swallow. It's fucking, it is, it's a very mean five minutes.

If you are a conservative, you will hate it. It's very mean. I make, I'm essentially, I mean, and I'm making fun of fat people. Jeez. But it like contextually, it makes sense and it's been working, but there is one spot where like, whew. And so I was at Big Hunt and I've only done that, that part of the joke like a couple of times because I get scared.

And I was like, fuck it. I'm doing it. Like I did it in, I did, I skipped that part when I was in Frederick. Okay. But like even before I did start the joke i was like oh guys i'm real scared well because i before i started the joke i was like hey i'm from baltimore city you guys ever go there you like it and one guy's like no yeah and i said why not and he's like because they burned their own city why would i want to go and i was like oh dude you are gonna hate like

the next 25 minutes of this. But he actually was awesome. And they stuck through the jokes. They were great. It was fun. Some of those people are cool. He was really cool, dude. You don't need the person in the audience that's like, I agree 100%. This is great.

No. He was, yeah. The same way that I enjoy the comedy, too, of somebody that can have a sense of humor about their shit, too. Like, Nick DiPaolo is obviously a Republican conservative guy. But he has some funny shit funny is funny i love patrice o'neill i don't agree with pretty much anything he uh right about women it's disgusting he's hilarious yeah yeah yeah it's fucking it's just comedy yeah like dude i like some podcasts like when i listen to like the real ass podcast or legion of skanks like god they say horrific

shit absolutely and uh it's funny uh it's horrific yeah i don't agree with it but but you shouldn't agree with everything i mean it makes me laugh i'll enough you agree with me on this that you shouldn't agree with like every like that's just like you don't want to live in a fucking uh like echo of like yes that's good no but that's what comedy is kind of annoying and i you know i'm i have set rules for myself for when i start writing new stuff like no white people jokes no dating jokes uh-huh and uh and that's a rule i set for myself when i started i was like no more sex jokes because it's like all i was doing and it made me a lot better um and uh but uh it was like you know i feel like a lot of things a lot

of times comedy now for people is they just like hearing sentences that they agree with so they're just statements not punch lines and so this girl sent me a joke of this british comic she's like have you ever heard of this guy and i listened and it's just like yeah he's making great political points but no one's laughing everyone's just clapping just like, yeah, he's making great political points, but no one's laughing. Everyone's just clapping and like, yeah. Yeah. There's like a couple articles going around about claptor. What's that? Exactly what you're talking about.

Instead of laughing, they clap and it's called claptor. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah, where it's like your role is to be funny, but you're just like, well, if you're asking me, I think all people are equal. And it's like, yeah. Yeah. Who gives a and it's like yeah you're not wrong but in this context that's kind of not what this is yeah yeah i don't know wow whatever i mean there's people making a lot of

goddamn money doing that shit so yeah absolutely but i i just don't feel like that stuff's gonna stand the test of time either no it's already kind of going i think yeah because it's it's a fad in the sense that even the people that are clapping don't really like that stuff's going to stand the test of time either. No, it's already kind of going. I think. Yeah. Cause it's, it's a fad in the sense that even the people that are clapping don't really care. Like the people you're saying, like that went to that show, they're like, I'll go see a show of women and say,

I went to a show of all women in support of the women's March. Yeah. Did I donate? Don't ask me that. Yeah. But it's like, all right. All right.

Yeah. But they were really cool. But so I was on stage talking about like working out new shit and not being afraid to. I was like, fuck it. I really want this joke to work, this part of the joke, so let me try it. Yeah. And boy, did that part fucking get groans. And I think I'm okay with it getting groans.

Hmm. I think it's okay because then the next punch saves it. Uh-huh. So, but when that happened, there was this guy at the bar who was chatty for the couple comics before me. And I heard him, like, really make a fucking noise. And I called him out. I was like, oh, what's going on? I don't know what I said. I was like, dude, why are you talking?

Like, what's your deal? Like, does, like, comedy. Like, he was groaning the whole time. Whereas the deal? Does comedy... He was groaning the whole time, whereas the crowd was with me. He was groaning the whole time. I was like, do jokes hurt you? And he was like, I don't know. I was laughing before you were on stage. And the crowd was like, oh, like crazy.

Oh, shit. And I was just like, oh, this sucks dick. Did you get out of it? Yeah, he fucked himself up because he kept talking and I just stayed quiet. And then the crowd hated him. That's usually how it works. And I was just like, dude, they were with you and now they hate you. If you give anybody enough rope, they'll eventually hang themselves.

And he felt really bad. After I got off stage, he's like, dude, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I was like, dude dude it's all good there used there was a guy at ragtime that used to do that where uh like a regular yeah a regular in this sort of a regular so these meetup groups you know like these people that like can't find friends normally oh my god what is the deal with that shit, dude? Like, I have never in my life ever thought, like, I should go on the internet. Yeah, I like the idea of, like, doing, like, a sports, even, like, you know, some, like,

like, even, like, a kickball thing. I think, like, that's kind of lame, but more so it's, like, you get together with your friends, you go do a thing together that, in the end, doesn't really matter, and then you go out for drinks after and hang. I guess it's a good thing for people who lack certain social skills exactly or maybe you move to a new city and like you're not really equipped to like put yourself out there a certain way so but it sucks for comedy shows because these people don't really know each other and they're all uncomfortable and they're trying to impress each other not in the sense of like i'm cooler than you but like

i'm not a weirdo so it's like if you're doing material that is a little racy they're like i don't know about that i don't enjoy that because then you don't want to be like whoa jeff was laughing at that able joke a lot you know man so there was this guy that like used to sit up front and like try to chime in like one of those people where you say a punch line and they're like well i also and it's like yeah and so like each time i'd be like shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up nobody wants to get it but always it would always like get a laugh because he'd always say something stupid yeah okay that was really good really good help um and uh one time he came in and he had a neck brace on and i was like oh man but at the same time internally i was like

good so what happened to him was i i asked him he was he was in he was in his car during uh uh during a thunderstorm and uh he was parked under the branch of a tree. No. That tree got shocked. Shocked? Got struck by lightning. Oh, my God. Branch broke off, crushed the roof of his car on top of his head. He had a big scar on the back of his head.

And, like, his neck was all fucked up. Yeah. I really wanted to make the joke of, like, man, even God hates you, huh? Well, did everyone know him in the room and no he's a regular interrupts not everybody because at my show oh that would crush because everyone knows like the characters if you're loud right right right so this guy they're not there every month but occasionally like maybe like every other month and that like sometimes the group kind of changes a little bit and you know but after the show, before that actually, where he was like kind of like interjecting a lot. Like I was even like, you got to shut the fuck up.

Like I'm like, I don't like you. Nobody likes you. Just shut the fuck up. Like me and you can talk. And so I was like making a joke out of it. Like, that's all right. That's all right. Just shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. As soon as somebody else gets up here, you need to shut the fuck up. I don't care what you say to me because, you you know i just want the show to go well for them so he ends up getting drunk and then after the show he's like did i i mean i'm sorry i didn't mean to like you know i thought i was just being funny and i was like dude i know what you're thinking it's all right like you just can't do that he's like it's just you know it's been real hard lately like uh i'm like a bad dad this is like way too far and i'm trying to get out of that also every time you tell him to shut the fuck up probably just hits close to home because i can just picture

his kid like dad shut the fuck up throw the finger back he's like oh i know about that i'm funny yeah i collect rocks yeah so he was he i'd say like early 30s so it's not he was like old but like kind of like just a little bit out of just a little out of touch or he said something like he's like i haven't seen my kid that much or something and i was like that's all right i'm sure you're a good dad he goes oh i'm not a good dad that's funny right yeah oh man i have put my foot in my like in that same room one time i was setting i have a story too yeah another one i got well we can go tit for tat because i got two uh loaded um whoa i was setting up that uh i had to host that show and sometimes it's hard because uh you know that guy ramin we were praising earlier the piece

of shit make no i'm just kidding but if you're hosting you have to set up the room you have to collect money from everybody and the way you collect collect money is they come in the room. Oh, green room. Yeah. Oh, I was talking about ragtime. Oh, ragtime. Okay, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same producer, different room. Yeah, yeah. Used to be at the Arlington Draft House. Yeah. And so I think I was hosting. I'm pretty sure I had to collect money from everyone. Yeah, that's annoying. I was setting up this Tinder joke where I'm like, oh, you're less likely to get matched if you're uh if you're a person of color and then i just hear this like

redneck voice go bullshit and and like threw off my rhythm and i tried to reset restart and the guy yelled bullshit again and i was like all right that's a fucking scary ass like hillbilly white and then just ended up being an older black guy and i was like sir you don't i was like i was like uh are you on the dating site and he's like yeah like that's how i met this woman i was like so you don't have problems on there he's like nope and then i try i should i should have abandoned the joke. Still tried it, dude. I ate my balls. It sucked. And then nothing after that landed.

Nothing. Cause the crowd just hated you. Yeah. They're like, nah. Cause they're also like, why is the dude who collected our money? Like trying to tell jokes. Just get the show started. We want to see real comedians.

Yeah. Yeah. Like you're not actually funny. Like you just set up the room, get to it. Um, so, uh, another ragtime story is uh recently i told you about this but the room uh the trans person you uh made you walked out oh yeah yeah because i said i i think you're a hero i'd like to speak to you more out there um but uh so it's a back room in this restaurant in arlington and uh it's a great fucking room

yeah normally it's just people that are back there just there for the show but they had a table of like 25 people a family of like 25 show up and they're like we need a table and they're like well the only place we can put you for now is is back here so they're supposed to like eat get in get out but then the kitchen got backed up so i show up and the meetup group is there so they're taking up a whole huge side of the room then this family's there and uh i was like god this is a fucking nightmare there's so many people these people don't want to be here for the show like some of them were kids like this woman had a stroller in the corner and i'm like whew this is not good um so luckily they left like right before the show

started because the manager's like yeah we told them comedy show at eight so if you guys could be out by then and they were and i was like great so then i go to start the show it's like what's up guys thank you so much for being here thank you guys for filling in at this table here this is for that family but they left so fuck that family give it up for fuck that family. Give it up for fuck that family. And everybody's like, yeah. And then it turned out there were still some of them there. And they were like older. But I didn't know until the end of the show. But they actually ended up being like the best audience members. Oh, good, good, good.

They took it like they could take it. Yeah, because it wasn't like malicious. I was like, fuck them. But it was just like, yeah, they're out of here. Fuck them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, they ended up being the coolest table. But yeah, so that was like foot in the mouth, but not too bad.

Yeah, I can top that. Oh, I'm sure. At Gin and Jokes. I forgot. I was like setting up. And there's this guy. He's a regular. He might listen to this podcast.

I don't know. He's really nice. And he wants to be a comic. I'm not sure if he's ever done comedy, but he comes to every, almost every show I think he's been at. Really? And he's really nice. Calls out a little bit too much during my opening sets. Yeah.

And, uh, cause it's like, Oh, I want to be a part of it. I'm like, Oh, we know,

I kind of know him, which is whatever. I don't care that much, but sometimes if I really want to work on a joke, I get pissed. Well, yeah. I mean, don't fuck up your timing. timing yeah and so i was setting up a joke something about i don't know and then he

interrupted me yeah and i was like talking about something about the way i look and he entered and he made fun of me and then so i looked at the person i was like oh yeah well dude you who you just speak with your fashion sense you're wearing a fucking handkerchief around your neck like what is this a wild west or some bullshit and i got a little laugh and i made fun of his dumb hat and i got a laugh what if like five minutes later you're like so then i'm talking about his boots and i'm just destroying this guy but uh and so when i made fun of his handkerchief he's like yeah it's to cover up my cancer scars i was like and the crowd and i was like and then i was like uh what did i say i uh oh i can't remember but i made fun of him more in the crowd was like no we're not with you anymore i was like well he's still alive who gives a fuck

i think i have a recording of that actually oh nice yeah maybe we'll put it on the pod yeah maybe no maybe not yelling at people who had formed survived cancer no that's what you're that's what your comedy is that's most of what your hour is going to be um yeah yeah especially like that's the ultimate trump card they're like no no i uh i beat cancer yeah that's not fair for him to yell out one time uh yeah what a jerk years ago when stav was uh stav and i were like out of college fresh out of college stav was headlining a show i was on the show in canton and uh the girl i was dating at the time two of her friends came and our one friend was is like real sensitive and i didn't know this at the time yeah and so stav had this used to do this hilarious joke about how his friend was bragging And our one friend is like real sensitive. And I didn't know this at the time.

And so Stav used to do this hilarious joke about how his friend was bragging about beating cancer. And he's like, I mean, it's not like an accomplishment. Like what you mean to say is that you got cancer in like a first world country. Right. That is a great thing. I remember that. I forgot about that. You didn't really do anything. Yeah. And the joke is like, call me when you like beat cancer and you're in Africa in like a

hut made of plantains or something. Yeah. And it was just really funny and nuanced. And I didn't know the girl at our table just started bawling, crying and just had to leave. Oh, no. And later we found out like someone that was close to her just i guess survived cancer and it's just like yeah well they lived so who gives a fuck what you mean to say is they lived in the first world country

jesus christ that's my new catchphrase so they lived who gives a fuck you're alive all right guys i'll be selling these shirts it's just a guy wearing a handkerchief oh man um all right wrap it up yeah let's wrap it up let's wrap it up there um so i am uh i'm playing with my rock and roll band which thank you for coming to that show that was super fun last th, that was a lot of fun. You should have stayed for this rapper, this dude, Jack Toft. Yeah. Man, was he funny. He was actually like a comic and a rapper, but his songs were just so ridiculous. It was amazing.

Dude, I don't understand how music shows are structured. They're so long, right? It's like four acts that each do 30 minutes. It seems like long, right? It's like four acts that each do 30 minutes. Mm-hmm. Seems like a long time. It's not that bad. Two hours.

Yeah. I mean, plus like set up in between. Luckily, they didn't have too much set up, but... I'm a bad music show audience member. You were good. You were there. I was there.

That's all I needed. I just came to see you guys and I left. Yeah, exactly. No, which I definitely fucking appreciate. Yeah, it yeah it was fun man you guys sound great you were tight thank you thank you yeah so we're playing uh in annapolis at the metropolitan cool when on february 2nd it's like an art show and bands are playing so that's next uh friday next friday yeah i'm excited for that and then uh yeah gearing up to do some more stand-up.

Let's see. On February 9th, I will be at the Beer Baron in D.C. Am I doing that with you? Not that one. The next one I'll say is that one. So February 9th, which I think is a Friday, right? Yeah, it's a Friday. It's almost ladies' night, which I feel privileged to be on that show.

Hell yeah. February 21st, I'll be doing Black Card Denied at the DC Draft House. That was a lot of fun. That was a show where you go up before your set and you have to answer three questions about black culture. Nice. And if you get any wrong, you get time off your set. You get them right, you get get time off your set you get them right you get more time on your set last time i had like it was like the questions were like made for me there was

r kelly a question about future and uh living single living oh living single was amazing that's crazy because i would have bombed the shit out of that dude i was singing the theme song and like there are three women to the side and we were like going back and forth yeah and i was like keep your head up what keep your head up that's right and then it's like these are my homegirls we gotta stick together like glue and they're like it was so fun man it's honestly like one of the funnest sets of all right because like talk about like the crowd believing like oh they're on board they heard those they're like whatever he has to say and then it came to the braces joke and they're like that's awesome and then okay so we're doing a show together friday february 23rd at the beer baron i'll be back a fundraiser for a charter

school yep uh they're not ruining the public education system at all so i'm glad to be on the show as a public school employee. Gotta get that stage time. I got allegiance to nobody but myself. The Kingsman Academy Public Charter School. So yeah, that's what I got going on

in February. Cool. February 2nd, I will be... I think I'm doing a guest spot. Tim Dillon is at the Big Hunt. Oh, awesome. Sean was nice enough. He was offering me a feature spot, but Tim Dillon is bringing his own feature, so

I'm going to do a guest. Is he there on Saturday too? Yeah, I don't know if I get to do it on both nights, but he just, yeah, he was like, do you just want to do a guest spot? And I was like, yeah, totally. Maybe try to do a guest spot on Saturday and we can try to pod with him before or something. Cool, cool. I'll text him.

Okay. But if you can't, we'll figure it out. I'm sure he's going to say no. To doing the podcast? Yeah. Really? He's been a little, it doesn't matter. Really?

Interesting. I'll ask him. This motherfucker sleeps on my couch. know let's do this i'll go down friday for a guest spot uh-huh and uh even if i'm not doing a guest spot on saturday we can just go down and pod with him that'd be fun cool and that way i'm not hitting up on text and like it's right okay like in more personable yeah and then so he'll say yes on friday saturday we'll get the text he's like you know what not feeling it yeah yeah yeah you know what i'll uh coerce him i'll like i'll bring you some crab cakes oh there you go um and yeah so february 2nd um he's like yes bring me a cold crab cake

february 1st uh gin and jokes jason weems is headlining britney carney tj ferguson yeah that is a solid uh allblack lineup during Black History Month that was actually a total accident. I know no one will believe me, but it was a total accident. So that's February 1st. There's only some tickets left. February 2nd is I'll be in Big Hunt guesting. Oh, and this Friday

I am at the DC Improv Lounge. Nice. On this Sunday, what's that? That's the 26th? 27th. Makes sense. Something this Sunday I'm at 13.5 Lounge. There's like a

variety show. That's the 28th.th 28th uh it's comics and then music uh so the show's at six i don't really know what i'm sure it's gonna be a trade because no one is gonna be there for comedy and it's gonna be us just me making fun of people and they're gonna be like what is he doing? And then please buy tickets to my album recording at Creative Alliance on February 18th. Boom, boom, boom. We've sold a bunch of tickets, but I still need to sell a bunch more. And you will, man. And I will.

Yeah. Just want to try to... I think Karen's dad, my Karen... Make that money back. My Karen, her dad sent an email because he's him and... They're members. They're members of the Creative Alliance,

him and his wife, June. And they got an email, like I think about you, of like upcoming events. Sweet. Are they going to come? Yeah. So those are two tickets right there.

Hell yeah. My parents still haven't bought tickets. Well, they actually are going to boycott with me outside. That would be awesome. Yeah. There's actually people... What if I get a bunch they actually are going to boycott with me outside. That would be awesome. There's actually people. What if I get a bunch of fat people together to boycott? Fat conservatives. Yeah. I like that.

Yeah. I think that'd be cool. Yeah. Because we love Donald J. Trump. And you know what the J stands for, Omar? Justice. That's right, pal. Boom. That's right, pal. Cool. Do you have any more plugs? Yeah. I'm going to do Centurion on the 17th. Again, nobody's going to come to anything. come to me too oh awesome yeah right before my album record yeah so that'll be fun so yeah that's at atomic books yep on the 17th here in baltimore and lovely hamden maryland i'm gonna

do i think so the deal with that show is is it's like five comics we each do 20 minutes yeah uh i think i'm gonna do all crowd work i like that yeah i like i don't want to burn i don't want i don't know i feel like if i'm just but i think do whatever you want yeah because i think if you go into it trying to force just crowd work true it might not work yeah yeah for the the yeah i'm kind of excited for that too to just go out and like throw out material that's like i mean there's definitely gonna be nights where i'm like i suck this sucks i hate this like you know but uh but yeah it's it's all fucking a part of it so yeah like i mean there's definitely nights where i'm like i suck this sucks i hate this like you know but uh but yeah it's all fucking a part of it so yeah like i said it's my farming metaphor you gotta put the seeds in the dirt yeah that's farming folks farming yeah and some grow and some

don't and that's okay that's okay some grow some blow watch i'm just gonna have like a meltdown on stage like i'm putting the seeds in i just want to put this have you ever seen someone have a meltdown on stage uh no yes yes yeah i've seen several people uh so i um i know one person like moddy alex oh i i saw that yeah that was funny to me i think he was kidding he was no he was like really pissed. Oh, shit. He was like really pissed. But it was so funny. Yeah, he sat in the corner. Well, he was on stage at Vendetta and these girls were talking. Oh, fuck Vendetta.

I forget what he said. I feel like maybe I'm just making this up, but I feel like he was like calling them like cucumbers. I don't know what it was, but it was like he's one of those guys when he gets mad, like you laugh and then you're like wait are you really he's such a silly human being right like he's just very specific to him he's like kind of looking at the floor and enraged you're like i don't so that but the two that i saw at the dc improv alex star oh yeah and then the guy same show, the guy that was hosting that show was a train wreck.

God, I live for moments. Train wreck. Man, me and Taylor Morrison were like, what is happening? Like literally, he was literally dragged off stage by two people, right? Yes. They cut his mic. They like flashed him. The owner, Allison, went up to the stage with like a blinkingbe light, essentially, to be like, get out of here.

And what was the audience doing? They were just like, what? It was quiet, and then people were talking, and they were just like, what the fuck? Because he came out. First of all, he came out late. He was drunk, right? He was wasted. He came out late?

So there's the announcements over the god mic of like ladies and gentlemen welcome to the dc improv are you ready for a great night open mic we have uh the dmv some of the best comics in the dmv but first your host blah blah and then normally the music's playing and it's like blah blah one mississippi to mississippi hey how you guys doing let's get the show started. It was like, I swear, like 20 to 30 seconds, which is an eternity when you're going to start the show. Jesus, that's an eternity. And he was coming out to Damien Marley's Welcome to Jam Rock. So it's just like blaring the mics up there alone.

He's probably backstage like dancing and shit. Right, right, right. So then he finally comes. That sucks being arrogant. Yeah, he comes out and then he finally that's like being arrogant yeah he comes out and then he goes up to the mic and he just goes how art thou and like that kind of that kind of got a reaction because they're like oh maybe that's this guy's bit yeah but like he was just like going on and on and like not making sense about stuff and uh yeah like he was probably

supposed to do 10 minutes at the most ended uped up doing like 20. They had to cut his mic. Like, yeah, Russ literally had, Russ Green had to go out. Because at first, because I was up after him, the host. And so they're like, Josh, you go out there and then like just grab him. And then like you're going to be the host now. And I was like, that does not look good for like a white guy to be like, okay, let's get the black guy on. Like, no, I'm here to fix everything. You know what's so funny? I'd be like such a bitch i'd be like okay and just do oh i said okay but i was

like it's not gonna look good but i'm gonna do it this is a dc improv he was like can you just blow me real kind of like yeah okay but like can i get more time next time um so luckily russ went out there and like russ had a great set and brought me up and of course i came out and i was like hey how are thou i did that crush that's awesome and i felt bad but like you had to say something uh yeah i think if you ruin a show uh anyone is allowed to say whatever they want about you yeah yeah and i didn't i didn't and he also that guy worked there too he was like a waiter he's's a server. Server waiter. That's hilarious. Yeah. I want, I like watching.

I mean, it's, you know, it's not nice of me, but. I mean, just because it's so rare. And to be at the DC Improv, one of the best clubs in the country. Anytime you talk to like a touring comic, they name it as one of the best. Yeah. Cool. So just like. All right.

Speaking of train wrecks, this podcast, we made it. Yeah. Boom speaking of train wrecks this podcast, we made it. Boom. All right, dude. Yeah, we did it. So yeah, let's get another one out on Monday this time. Maybe we can do it

with Tim DeLong. Oh, I like that. I like that a lot. Yeah. All right, everybody. Yeah. Have a good one. Thanks for listening.

Sorry it was late. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions coming to an end Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah