The Digression Sessions - Ep. 243 - 2 Dope Karens!

Episode Date: February 13, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with their girlfriends who both happen to be named Karen! What a country! Happy Valentine's Day, DigHeads. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Hey guys, welcome to the Digression Session. Hey, hey, hey. A very special episode. Very special. In that, um, it's me and Umar. Just me and Umar. And our girlfriend! Uh-ar. And our girlfriends.

Uh-oh. Oh, my God. Special Valentine's Day episode. Wow. Very on brand. Here we have Karen, my girlfriend. Say hi, Karen. Hi.

All right. And Boo is here. And my lovely Karen is here. Say hi, Karen. Hey, there. Hey, there. This might go in the vault. We'll file this one under best of intentions.

This feels so natural. What? Talking into a microphone? Yeah, holding a microphone to my face. Yeah. Well, you're acting like we haven't podcasted. Yeah, you guys have a podcast. We have a podcast.

No, we have podcasted, but after like watching vanderpump rules and feeling very not even vanderpump rules oh yeah so it's a spin-off of vanderpump rules and it was called jackson britney take kentucky so our podcast is called josh and karen take jacks have you ever podcasted, my Karen? No. Is there like a safe word we're supposed to use just in case? Yeah, it's the... No, I'm just kidding. There's a certain word.

Yeah. So, yeah, we figured we were going to podcast yesterday and then Karen and I were at brunch and she was like, well, you should have me and Karen on as well. I was like, oh, for Valentine's Day? And she's like, when is that? I was like, oh, you should have me and Karen on as well. I was like, oh, for Valentine's Day? And she's like, when is that? I was like, oh, that's this week. Are you guys doing anything for Valentine's Day? We are.

We're seeing – I fucked up. Well, I told everyone we're seeing The Princess. I like that Umar asked a question. He's like, what are you guys seeing? Oh, sorry. Isn't that natural? You're not used to that yet? Okay.

That's what this episode is going to be, just you guys shitting on us. I was going toitting on us yeah it's a ball busting episode like sorry no let me let me have you answer first we have no plans what no plan for real uh no wednesday we're not gonna do anything uh karen's gonna go to trivia i have rag time i couldn't get out of that nobody that's gonna be interesting uh yeah i think that'll be fun yeah if there's one couple in the audience i can just make fun of them all the time for coming to a free comedy show. The shittiest Valentine's Day effort ever. Right, exactly. Well, we met on Valentine's Day.

That's true. At a comedy show. That's true, at Autobar. So you could be like, I also am a piece of shit. Which one? Second Saturday Shit Show. Oh, were you headlining? Yeah.

Nice. Well, Melissa invited me, and I was like, can we go anywhere but a comedy show? Was she on the bill? No, she just was like I want to go see this comedy show. And I was like, I truly don't want to. That's pretty much my life right now.

It'll get better. But that's fair. I feel like that's most partners that date a comedian. They're like, alright, I get it. I don't need to go to every show. Yeah, I felt bad for her this last weekend. Well, let's hear about this. This was just Melissa

knew Josh from Big. Yeah, Baltimore Improv Group. Who's Big Dick? I'm just kidding. Word gets around. It's going to be a lot of that this podcast she demanded that I go with her she was nodding she's like yeah we have to drop a sound every time there's an eye roll

like an audible eye roll like even just like hanging out with him you need an audible eye roll no way but so, I met him. Yeah. Well,

we had met before that, actually. But real quick, real quick, we do have plans Friday. We're going to go to Fork and Wrench and it's going to be nice. Your friend works there, right?

Yep. Nice. Yeah, one of our good friends. Yeah. I've heard really good things and they got a new chef from Chicago.

They're about to sell the place, actually, though. Really? Oh, no. Do you want to say that on the podcast? It's out there. It's out.

It's totally out. It's on Facebook. Dang. Oh, okay, okay. So is everything going to be really cheap? I would love that. You're like, all scallops must go. That's what I want.

Get them out of here. That'd be awesome. Yeah. So, yeah, so that's the plan but yeah so the show was on valentine's day yeah yeah yeah i remember because i was doing the i was doing weird vineyard gigs with uh jason weems so i did friday and sunday there yeah and then saturday i headlined that show but yeah you and i had met like weeks before that at beer baron because you were with bucket in dc and i was like oh hi hello and i remember even andrew was like okay i don't want Yeah, you and I had met like weeks before that at Beer Baron because you were with Bucket in D.C.

And I was like, oh, hi, hello. And I remember even Andrew was like, okay, I don't want you two to like hang out too long. And I was like, okay, all right. And then, so then, yeah, I saw you at the Auto Bar show. And then I didn't even remember your name because I was like, oh, I wanted to say hi. But I was like, she's such a babe. She probably doesn't even remember me. And we were both at the bar.

And I was like she's such a babe she probably doesn't even remember me and we were both at the bar and i was like uh jamie that's a common theme in josh and i lives we don't remember people's names definitely not so and she was like it worked no yeah damn damn i remember yeah you just kept looking at me with like a little bit of like i'm into you but also like fuck you and i was like oh all right what's going on here josh also though was oh here it comes here it comes with a girl that night i remember this i was there yeah tattoos yeah big boobs big boobs yeah very big very on brand for me she might be listening she might listen to this podcast actually but anyway but i invited her to the show she seems like a really nice girl she is nice yeah yeah anyway but yeah and then so you guys were going to the crown i remember melissa kept making a big deal

she was like so we're going to the crown and the Crown, they have drink deals at the Crown. So we're going to be at the Crown. She's going to be hurting the Crown. Yeah. It's amazing. You could see anything there. I was like, you are just marketing the Crown more than it's ever been marketed. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, did you just buy stock in the Crown or something?

Are you part owner now? So yeah, after the show, then I knew that you guys were going there. Oh, on your way out, though, she friend requested me immediately on Facebook. I don't even think she was in the little vestibule at the auto bar before you sent that request. I was like, wow. That's how you know. That's how you know.

I should make my intentions known. And you're not going to remember the dude's name in the morning anyway, so you might as well just get it over with that night. Especially this. Kaderna.

Bitch, you remembered my name? I'm just kidding. I did the friend request. We met at a cookout. Isn't that so weird? That's a part of like modern dating. It's like who friend requested who. Yeah.

Just shout immediately. Oh, a hundred percent. Like, yeah. So then we met at this cookout that the whiskey company was throwing. You guys got there late. I made fun of you guys because you were playing. What's that? The sandbag game?

Cornhole. You called us nerds because we were hanging out by the porta pots because that's originally what you thought we were. You didn't know we were playing cornhole. Yeah. From around the corner, I couldn't see. And then I was like, oh, this chick's cute. And I got someone.

Because it was only just two of them throwing them alone back and forth. So we've been making fun of each other from day one. Yeah. And we continue to make fun. But then so we just, I got someone to play with us with them

and then I made sure like I was on Karen's side and we started talking and then I did that creepy thing because I had, all I remember was her first name because you don't meet someone and you're like,

oh, what's your last name also? Because when I go home later and stalk you on the, on the social media. So we're playing cornhole. Your name'saren karen corner i don't want to forget your name and then so i went home and i went on the invite list which is like a thousand some people and i just kept scrolling wow until i found her and i friend requested her and i was and i was like hey you know if you ever want to come to a show i have this show and then like i think we talked a couple times right and then i

every girl that listens to that me too like i got that invite oh that's what me too is about umar invited me too i was invited just kidding you're the first boo talking to boo yeah yeah boo radley uh everybody missed the eye roll and then you and then i think we talked a couple times and then i asked you out and then you had a boyfriend this is fun okay and i was like sorry uh i was you know and then i felt bad i was like oh i shouldn't think like a girl's into me every time they like talk to me and then i apologize she's like it's cool and then we just didn't talk and then you ended up coming to see me feature for greg fitzsimmons unannounced that That's a $25 ticket. Yeah. And I could have got you free tickets.

I got like 30 people on that show for free. Okay, but you're trying to, I think you're making yours like, Jenny wanted to go to see Greg Fitzsimmons. So it wasn't like a, hey, let's go stalk this guy. It wasn't like an Umar. Oh, for real?

It was like, no, I was, I did know he was opening up and she was like. For those at home, Umar is rolling his eyes. I was like, so we can do this tonight. And she's like, okay. And I was like, okay. Okay.

So it was a, it was a two for one. That is so funny. Yeah. These like parallel, like, I don't want to go to that comedy show. Yeah. And then you came to a gin and jokes. I was like, man, this bitch is into me that's like umar's default yeah yeah she's here yeah i mean we're dating we've been dating five months and

then uh and then we hung out right yeah well i don't know if i should and uh yeah that's how the story went yeah no that's how the story went then when you met what a great story yeah just so you know i'm not gonna edit any of this oh yeah yeah and then uh okay and then uh well valentine's day let me ask you because we have a pretty parallel story did did she ask you i remember karen looked at me and she said uh what that boy pussy do and i was like i was like it pops poppy when can i put this in yeah i really wanted to say boy pussy boy pussy boy but it's one of the funniest terms of all time it is really funny boy pussy did nick mullen make that i've heard him say it first or is that another i heard it from uh did you think it's a josh kadona no i heard it from... Did you... It's like it's a Josh Kodana. No. I heard it from Robert Kelly. Oh, I heard Nick Mullen say something about...

Oh, so it doesn't matter. But just like in reference to like... Yeah. All right. A little bit of... Whoa. All right, we're back. Yeah.

A little bit of battery snafu there. Yeah. All right. We were talking boy pussy. Let's get back. Oh, yeah. right we're back yeah a little bit of battery snafu there yeah all right we were talking boy pussy we're talking about oh yeah well this valentine's day uh we are uh i fucked up like well karen karen like uh wanted to go see this movie that's playing at the center and at first i was like i gotta run my set i gotta run my set so i'm gonna be in dc and like

and then i was thinking like my album recording my friends like you're a fucking idiot dudes i was like all right all right and then no it was all i thought of it independently you mean you mean the uber driver yeah the one that was like dude what are you doing bro yeah yeah because the conversation happened in the uber we had this really funny black dude and uh and karen asked me in the uber and i was like nah babe i gotta go do shows in DC. She's like, okay, that's okay. He said it just like that. Nah, babe. Yep.

How did I do? He was like, can I, can I please? Okay, hold on, hold on. Now you do it. I just heard Umar talk right there. That was a perfect impression. I don't know. And then, so she was.

So I do that too. I'm like, hey, babe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone does that. You change your voice when you want something. It's like a child. And then, so Karen goes. That's how I do that too. I'm like, hey babe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone does that. You change your voice when you want something. It's like a child. And then, so Karen goes, yeah, that's fine. And then the Uber driver's, don't fall for it, man.

Oh, wow. Immediately, you're like five stars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what he said too. So I told everyone we're going to go see Princess Diaries. Okay. At the Senator. I'm pretty sure that's like Walt Disney. I'm not, I didn to go see Princess Diaries. Okay. At the Senator. I'm pretty sure that's like Walt Disney.

I didn't even know what it was. But we're seeing Princess Bride. Yeah. Okay. Princess Diaries is like Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway. Oh, yeah. So a bunch of my friends think Karen is really into that movie.

That's what he said. He said she's really into that. And I'm like. Oh, no. They think you're like a Disney person. Like an adult that's like way into Disney. Ugh. Nightmare. Like, hey hey your girlfriend sounds cool dude i'm gonna wear my glass slippers it's gonna be great yeah enjoy that um yeah so i'm excited we're doing fork and wrench i think that'll be nice so this is really good food yeah well you know and you're uh they're gonna be in

business a long time so cute in'm excited. So cute in there. It's a perfect Baltimore institution. Bub, you got to glue that thing right there. Yeah, you too, my Karen. My Karen. It's touched a lot of lips. Yeah, some of the scummiest people in Baltimore. Like Aaron Hinken.

Oh, yeah. Well, actually, that one's a laugh. Speaking of Valentine's Day. Yeah, that's a laugh finder mike that might be his actually yeah there you go he is a handsome man handsome i wonder what jessica and aaron do on they probably don't hang out yeah right maybe that's their gift to each other is like you go do your thing yeah i'm gonna do mine we'll go do our separate podcast we'll get a babysitter we we can each do our respective.

Yeah, away from each other. Like, desirable activities. Yeah, I mean, that's what he said on the podcast though.

That's what they both said. They never see each other and that's why they think it works. Yeah, like, that's the secret. I do think that kind of works too.

Yeah, you need space for sure. Because when I miss you, like, I like you so much. No, it's amazing. Her text game versus in person. Damn when I miss you, I like you so much. No, it's amazing. Her text game versus in person.

She's like, I cannot wait to see you. And then she gets home like, you want to make dinner? And you're like, I'm going to look at Instagram for a while. That's fair. That's fair. Josh sits at home. He works. I work so hard.

So hard. It's frustrating. I found found out frustrating a medical marijuana dispensary and i had to do some research would you find out is it worth it yeah my dad sent it to me not you and i forwarded it yeah yeah he does send some articles though for sure yeah my dad is like very frequently he's very hip hip, too. We have to talk about the attendees to your Oh, your parents are coming. And Ken! And Linda! I told you that!

I told you that on Thursday. Oh, I don't, I'm sorry. I don't think I was listening. I was like so bummed that no one was at this mic. Yeah, you seemed a little distracted. Yeah. It's like, Ken and Linda are coming. You're like, oh, cool. It's like inside. Dude dude that's so cool oh we gotta have good times afterwards fucking bananas though that's so cool where do they live it's in it i got them josh got the extra the secret round of release that your friends got too. Yeah. But yeah, I went to see my mom.

I was like, you know, next whatever weekend is Umar's show. And we're going to be in Canton on Friday for dinner. So we'll like come hang out sometime. And we can hang out before the show. And she was like, well, actually, Lynn and Ken are coming. And we have dinner plans before the show. And she was like, well, actually, Lynn and Ken are coming. And we have dinner plans before the show. And I was like. But maybe we'll meet up later.

My aunt and uncle that, like, didn't come to see any of my fucking figure skating shit throughout my entire life were like, we met Umar and we really loved him. We need to come. Well, Ken is like this crazy hippie dude. Is Ken the one who's related to your family or he married in lynn is my mom's sister okay yeah ken married in they're like the ultimate hippies that just like travel around the world now but like somehow became conservative later in life is ken conservative i think like yeah i think i don't like my show yeah i don't know i told my mom

he will i think they both will i told my mom the wall just makes mexico more attractive i told my mom if you have friends who are conservatives don't tell them like tell them they're gonna get offended i'm it'll be fine i get pretty mean though I don't think that they're gonna be like surprised like yeah holding back much that's true when you met them and they were like yeah amazing yeah we have to come see his comedy show but Ken Ken was like he had the craziest life like he worked in California in the schools before they segregated when they segregated, he moved. So he was working in black schools. And then he moved with his black students to the school that they were now going to after being. Like, that's fucking awesome.

Yeah. Yeah. He just seems like such a sweet guy. Yeah. Very into, like, Eastern philosophies. And he's, like, very, like, zen. He gave you books. The book was titled, because you were talking about Boo. And i think he was having problems one day when they were like over or

something he was like freaking out he's like i have some books for you and the book's called how to talk to your dog i have that do you no but she's into eastern stuff too oh word yeah he's very dope like pakistani you should talk to him. Oh, yeah. It's Asian, right? I thought it would make me more spiritual. Am I the first not white person you dated? No. Oh.

Yeah. That's a bummer. I know. You've never asked each other? The longest. No, he has. He's asked me everything five times. I was going to say, like, you've never... never yeah he has considered that before you know

it's not a question that i'm really concerned oh no ask me again have you dated a non-white person before you're the first one boom first of everything right yeah yeah that's me too yeah crazy anal okay we're back all right we're back guys sorry the batteries just keep dying there's just too much good pod i think the uh yeah unlike the chemistry in these relationships there you go there you go there you go uh so yeah valentine's day you guys doing gifts no wait cupcake yeah i'm getting karen is a cupcake. I don't want it. We had ice cream last night. No, we got drunk last night. No. He did. Why do you always say

we when you do something? You know, it makes me feel less guilty. That's pretty good. Everybody's like, damn, we had diarrhea. I'm like, yo, we called out of work and got in trouble. Our boss is pissed. We bombed last night we had a shitty set uh wait so you got ice cream last night is that what you said

we went uh yeah we got some dude i'm the level of autism uh at the service industry in hamden is unbelievable like people are just so fucking rude. Bartenders, it's like... We went to a place... This is our weekly section of the podcast. Oh, yeah. Josh and I complain a lot about local businesses. Give me some hints.

Apologies. I'll say it. We could have said pizza and narrowed it down to two places. You know, pizza that gets burned consistently. I'm like, damn, Domino's, did you do it? Damn. Yo, I stand by Art House.

That shit is so good. Art House is forever the best. It's delicious. The best pizza. And it's big. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah, that was it.

It's big. What would you compare their big pizza to, Karen? Wait, what? Like what like you know like if you made a metaphor like your pizza big ass big okay anyway she's like the amount of ice cream we ate it was a lot no i met both the owners uh super bowl sunday that's where we went and we dude have you been upstairs yeah it's so nice i you. That's where I want to do the show. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, we have to work that out. But, yeah, we met the owner, too. And she, like, part owns the wine bar, too.

Yes. So I met the other dude. Yeah. And, yeah, so they know who we are. Because I told them. I was like, yeah, my buddy Josh, they're doing a show. He's like, yeah, I heard about that. So that'd be cool.

But we should get them to sponsor this podcast, dude. Because we talk about how great they are all the time. At least this episode, for sure. Yeah. And look, I'm an official Joe Squared employee, but. You shouldn't say that. In Hamden, best pizza. North Avenue, Joe Squared.

All right. Let's cut that part out. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if they'll like that part. Which who? Joe Squared or? Both.

Oh, both. That's true. Yeah. So we went to Paula G's and Sunday, it's all day happy hour. know if they'll like that part which who joe squirt or art oh both that's true uh yeah so we went to apologies and sunday it's all day happy hour and so karen and i were like hey so what's the happy hour and the guy was just like super shitty it's like it's just everything in parentheses and we're just and then we're like through the menu i got a paper cut well she did it yeah just threw the menu at us like it was crazy Like, you can't just tell us. Yeah.

Plus, it's like you're supposed to know. Like, duh. Yeah. Like, I don't know what a parenthesis is for on your fucking menu. And there's four parentheses. So, like, shit isn't on happy hour. Yeah. Right.

And then we went to Dylan's. And that place is dope. Which one is Dylan's? Oyster. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Delicious. And then we ran into a very drunk. Well, not very, but, oh, never mind.

He's a local person. Man, Martin O'Malley? Unbelievable. I know. If you weren't here, you're just like, someone would have lost their job. Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah, so we'll complain about local places and hipsters, too, because we went to go get brunch yesterday and went to uh place uh gee wheezy silver east we'll just say

we went they were busy and we sat down at the bar they have two bartenders they didn't even say hi we were sat there for what like 10 minutes yeah sunday morning suck and i get that they're like super busy and i also get that like they don't care right but just you gotta check in that you don't care just check in and be like i'll with you guys in a sec i made eye contact with the bartender and he was like and just i was like okay yeah so we literally we sat there and then just made a reservation online for a food market hell yeah dude fuck them that's insane well that's what like k, when she went to see me host a big hunt two weekends ago, there's only one bartender for 85 people.

And you were like, dude, she was killing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like they were, she was able to like handle multiple drink orders at one time, like and hit everyone at the bar. And, uh, and we everyone at the bar. And, uh,

and we were just talking about how like that never happens in Baltimore. Yeah. I mean like uptown places. Yes. But like this neighborhood, it's like, can I get your drink? And then they have to go make the drink.

But it used to be like, what, what do you want? What do you want? Um, go down the line. Like, yeah,

yeah. Here it's like, Oh, am I bothering you? I'm sorry. Yeah. I don't know. Right.

Yeah. Like I, I, I, Oh my God, thank you so much. Yeah. That it's like, oh, am I bothering you? I'm sorry. Yeah. I don't know. Right. Yeah. Like I. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. Yeah. That's literally how I have to be. I have to be like guilty about having a drink. Yeah.

And it's like, you know, I'm supposed to tip you, right? Like based on how good you are. And I'm just like, no, I don't care. All right. Yeah. We saw a friend of ours that works there, this guy, David. And we were like, he's like, oh, what are you doing here? Like, we just waited at the bar for 10 minutes and like no one even said hi. So we're going to go to a food market. He's like oh what are you doing here like we just waited

at the bar for 10 minutes and like no one even said hi so we're gonna go to Food Market he's like oh yeah go there it's much better yeah go there

wait the guy who works at Silver East yeah yeah that's so funny yeah so yeah that's our weekly segment where we complain about

alright local businesses and what not but we praise Art House every week so Art house if you're listening yeah uh we would love to get a sponsorship even if they paid us in pizza i'd be fine with that oh my god i'd be probably i'd be like i'll eat my way through way more right

and if they gave us money we would just spend it there anyway so it's a wash we should take these mics down there and do like a ad on the spot or like a people of our our house yeah art house bend that thing like there you go okay a people of art house situation where it's like yes instead of out of the blocks we'll do out of the oven that's perfect yeah or yeah out of the brick oven instead of the blocks uh we can do a live podcast up there too oh i think that would work really well yeah we should do one of gin and jokes too sometime on i would love to like alternate thursdays yeah i'm down jokes but joe squared just yeah yeah let's do it dude okay okay uh so yeah so you got the album recording coming up

yeah man yeah sold out yeah nervous no big deal just my parents yeah your aunt uncle my parents So you got the album recording coming up. Yeah, man. Yeah. Sold out. Yeah. Nervous. No big deal. Just my parents. Yeah. Your aunt and uncle. My aunt and uncle. My parents. Yeah.

Got shirts made. Yeah. They look good. And yeah, I think it'll be good. I think I have enough material to do almost an hour. Nice. That's exciting, man. I made the official list.

I was like, today, and I i was like i'll throw this in and that and i worked on some of the newer stuff or some of the stuff i haven't done in a while and uh yeah i just don't know how to remember it all like i think i might have cue cards and put them on the floor in front of the first row interesting i think that'll mess with the taping i don't know but also what do you mean you just like have a thing with cue cards? People do. I think that you would get like OCD.

Not cue cards, but they have teleprompters. Like people do teleprompters for their specials so they don't forget those jokes. And they fuck shit up all the time with that.

And yeah, bands do it. And then when you tape Conan, you have a teleprompter. Yeah, but. For like five minutes. Yeah,

just so you don't forget, I guess. Yeah, if you're like nervous. start with my name. Yeah, yeah, yeah like five minutes. Yeah, just so you don't forget, I guess. Yeah, if you're like nervous. Start with my name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello. I don't know.

What would you do? Would you do it or would you just try to memorize it and hope you don't forget? I think if you have a set list, you'd probably be fine, right? Where? Like on the stool? Yeah, or on the floor. Yeah. Yeah, like a band.

You'll be able to see it though. Is it going to be... Who cares? Really? Yeah. I mean, do they have monitors up there? Like bands have? No.

They don't, but I can add them. Add them. And then just put it right behind the monitor. Or have like one monitor and just tape it to that. Yeah, you're right. Smart, smart, smart. Or yeah, or put it on the stool. I don't know.

No, the monitor is a good idea. Put just two in the front. Yeah, and you can look down at it. And then just set this. Cool. Boom. This is going to be my Valentine's Day. Put just two in the front. Yeah, and you can look down at it. Cool. Boom. This is going to be my Valentine's Day. Talking about this shit.

I know. I felt so bad. You must be so up in your head, huh? Yeah, I've been having stress dreams about it every night. And this week's going to go by so slow. The Sunday's going to suck. We still have to build the set. It rained all weekend, so the wood's all wet.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you have pallets behind you. You're going to make six wood pallets. And then we're going to stain them. There's going to be cool lights hanging off of them, so it'll look nice, rustic, and bullshit. It'll look like I'm performing in Woodbury Kitchen. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. They don't sponsor this, so we're not going to say anything good or bad. Yeah. Unless they choose to sponsor us. Which would be nice. So please sponsor us but please sponsor yeah obviously that would be amazing their cocktails are so good they're their food too almost too good and their brunch very affordable brunch is very affordable why haven't we brunch there i don't think everybody caught that wait what did you say the listener caught that what did you say karen nothing no i mean it's already on the podcast well Well, too late.

You don't want to say it again? Say it. I didn't. We may or may not have had sex in a Woodbury kitchen bath. Yes. Hell yeah. We have not. But.

Did you guys steal any? No. No. Yeah, the one I used to clean up, I was like, I'm taking that one. Did you hear that girl at the show? She has 60. No. Yeah, the one I used to clean up, I was like, I'm taking that one. Did you hear that girl at the show? She has 60. Yeah, so Umar allegedly takes the towels from the bathroom. I allegedly steal Woodbury hand towels because they're really nice.

And allegedly I might put them in my pants when I'm there. Or if I'm there for the next door for weddings. Did she say she worked there? Her friend used to work there and would steal them all the time allegedly yeah i can't imagine like sending your at a restaurant like sending your like towels out and like paying for like 2500 less or like 250 less than you. Then you're blaming it on the, like the laundry people. And then you're like, they're the ones getting fired.

Yeah. Right. What is the point of this? Why do we still do this? Like, let's just get like some kind of like nice paper towels. And they're like, no,

we're going to come into this. Sometimes that happens. Like I've walked in there like ready to steal allegedly. Yeah. And, uh, they're out of the nice uh hand towels and they have like paper towels i'm like what the fuck is this spike get your shit together complaining

at the host all right i know you don't pay your employees well i mean just kidding i've heard i've he's never been sued and it's never been in the baltimore sun so us. And he pays all his farmers on time. I haven't spoken to any who says he doesn't. Oh my God. I still love Woodbury. I do too. I fucking eat there. I don't give a...

I mean... Dude, you can't... Would have sex in that bathroom again. Would you? Absolutely. Now, which one? So I can avoid that. No, I'm just kidding.

You'll just have to guess. I don't think i've ever been in the bathroom sticker hidden yeah right you've never been to the bathroom at woodbury no i can't remember i can't remember single stall yeah situation which i appreciate i like that oh it was like we were pretty dark have you been to woodbury you've been to woodbury right yeah motherfucker yeah k, get him. Let's go there this weekend for brunch. No.

I mean, no. Valentine's Day. Like Saturday, like maybe Saturday, but obviously not Saturday. Oh, Saturday I have a pastor party thing. I have to go skeet shooting. I didn't tell you this. I'm sorry. Oh.

Dang. That sounds terrible. Ironically, you're shooting skeet somewhere else? Dang. It doesn't matter. You don't need to know what I'm doing everyically, you're shooting skeet somewhere else. Dang. It doesn't matter. You don't need to know what I'm doing every day, you know? I definitely do. She just says that for the next 45 minutes.

All right, let's put our time, everybody. Yeah. I want to know what is the worst thing about you guys. I feel like the worst part about dating a comedian as you go to shows and you hear you know all our jokes all our friends jokes yeah i think it's just being needy and a broken person yeah i would i would agree yeah well like so when we did the um uh the wine i like how the guy answered when you're asking the girl? I think I didn't have to say like some aggressively mean thing

about like needy and like constantly like seeking affirmation from me. Damn. Yeah. That's a running theme. I think that's... I don't experience that.

She's being sarcastic, guys. What about like, oh, go ahead. I was going to say the wine bar show. I came home and I was like, fucking bomb. What a fucking mess that was. It fucking sucked. I fucking hated that. That was terrible.

And I was like, I'm so tired. Yeah, Karen was like in bed asleep and I'm like pacing. I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, that's a terrible setup for a show. You know what? I'm hungry. I want soup. Are you hungry? She's like, I'm going to bed. I was like, I'm walking to. I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, that's a terrible setup for a show. Yeah. You know what? I'm hungry. I want soup. Are you hungry?

She's like, I'm going to bed. I was like, I'm walking to Rite Aid. And then when you text me and you're like, dude, that was so fucking terrible. I was like, right? See? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like he was like, look, Omar said that. Seriously, like I came home.

I never care. Yeah, exactly. Honestly, the person who did the best on that show was the least experienced comic. That chick? Yeah. Yeah. She, for like literally two minutes, she was doing really well. Yeah.

And then everyone. And she probably didn't give a shit that people were talking. I think she was really happy to like. Yeah. Yeah. See, we are fucking pieces of shit. Yeah. We're like, we deserve better.

Yeah. Well, we do. But. Yeah. But, I mean, yeah, the show, show we talked about last week yeah it wasn't geared towards comedy yeah at all i thought and then what do we do after that show i think i just dropped you off home and then you checked in on me the next day you're like are you okay oh oh no i think we went to your house and you paced and yeah it was the same thing yeah oh yeah you had to ask your roommates oh i talked about it

with evan and eric dude literally and they were trying to finish a movie remember that and i kept like he would like he would he paused it when i came in and then i'm like what the fuck dude and i was like yelling and then so then it's and then they they hit play and then i kept talking they hit pause again and that happened for like 25 minutes which is their subtle way of being like uh-huh yeah they're like dude we don't give a shit yeah you had a shitty time at a fucking mixed like event cool yeah and then this show this past weekend uh i fucked up like well i was like i'm not gonna do any shows it's like let's chill but then i got a last minute offer to do this mike quillen second saturday shit show at the auto bar what do you guys meant because somebody backed out and um

and i guess i forgot to tell you or something and then we were just sitting there at the comics table and this really weird dude who i thought was a comic i started talking to him and he's not a comic and he just kept sitting down at our table, dude. He would sit down, talk really awkwardly. Very poor eye contact. I think that's always weird. I think I met him the next day at Rocket. Really?

Because he sat down and I told Melissa. All right. Well, you can tell us right now. What was he wearing? Because I'm sure he wears the same fucking thing. No. Oh, okay. Did he have a goatee?

I don't remember. He was like a... Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, okay, yeah. Definitely not that. Yeah, he was like a... Then I just had another one. And like a jean jacket with like all these bands that I have never heard of.

Yeah, he was like a metalhead. Sure. He was like an autistic metalhead. No, this guy was just like a pretentious... Oh, what did he say? Oh, shit. Ooh. He... Don't do this this he say? Don't do this this week. Please don't do this this week.

He was like, I sat down with Melissa at Rocket. And he was like, hey, I heard your name is Karen. And I heard you were at Autobar last night. What were you there for? The shit show or for the dance party? And I was like, well, actually, I think my old roommate was for the shit show or for, um, the like dance party. And I was like, well, actually like,

I think my old roommate was on the shit show. Yeah. And I wasn't there for that. We like just went and hung out and danced and went to this other show in, on the first floor. And he was like, well, you know,

like all like fucking creepy and weird. And he was like, I haven't been to either of them either, but I know what was going on at them. And I was like, I haven't been to either of them either, but I know what was going on at them. What the fuck? What? I know. Now that you were like, me and my boyfriend were on the thing.

Yeah, but I also was just like, I don't know you, and I don't want to talk to you. Did he know Melissa? No. Ew, how did he know your name? Because he heard me introduce myself to Melissa's friend, Zach, who was there. So he's like listening to your conversation? Because he heard me introduce myself to Mollis' friend, Zach, who was there. So he's like listening to your conversation.

And he was alone? Yeah. I thought this was going to reflect this, Karen. This is a really fun interjection you made. Being a woman sucks, huh? Like, just like, that's never happened to me. Like, no girl's like, so you went to auto bar last night? Yeah, that has never happened to me.

I was like, were you on the show like i was wondering why he is talking was concerned about the show and i was like i wasn't there that but like that's great you guys you know go have fun right and he was like no i'm not but guys are so dumb like he was just like this is my opening he's like i'm in yeah he's like i'll bring up the auto bar and that her name is it's like dude you're just letting people know you were uh eavesdropping like that's not a cool and he wasn't even there so it's not like there's any common ground yeah why would you reference a show that you weren't at like oh my god what was this guy's name let's out him let's meet to this motherfucker let's fucking hash too all right it was fucking uh chris hudson oh man poor chris why'd you say poor chris because he just got out

oh yeah yeah no no i was talking about that just kidding oh wait did no no okay now it's getting weird no it was a joke okay we were talking about that like how like when guys hit on women my uh one of my co-workers she she works like i think winking is weird in a workplace i went today at somebody and i definitely thought of you oh yeah i'm like i'm a creep uh yeah like winking is i think it's weird if you wink at people excessive like all the time yeah i think if you're a woman it might be considered okay but if you're a dude and you wink at women i think it's suggestive and so this girl runs a boy scouts program she's my age with a dude uh who comes in he's older than her and he she tells me like every time they run this group

like he's always winking at her. Ew. And, like, she doesn't know. She's like, do you think he's, like, hitting on me? I was like, a thousand percent. Yeah. Like, that's just him trying to feel it out, I think. Yeah.

That's creepy. Yeah. And then also, like, how guys, like, ask out women. Well, harass, I guess, on the street in baltimore like she was leaving a store and he was like you are beautiful and she was like thank you and then she should have never said that because she he was like oh she's talking to me yeah yeah and then and then so he goes do he said can i have your number so i can take you out and then she responded i have a boyfriend he said so what wow then she said well i live with him and then he said so what and then like

and i was like you just have to say i'm not interested because if you just because guys are so that kind of guy is so dumb where he thinks that's not a no and maybe you're interested but just a little worried of getting caught you're's like the fact that you're talking to me shows that you're into me. Yeah. I think like, well, we were talking about that. Like, how do you deal with that? That's funny.

Like, I don't know how long that section, like, I don't know if she kept on walking and she's like, I have a boyfriend and she's like, keeps on walking. Or did she stop and have to like say these things? Because I think I told you that I just keep walking and I'm like, yeah, I got a boyfriend. And just like, and like like go get out of there but you feel like you do have to respond i don't know i mean you don't have to respond it has to be tough because you don't want to seem like an

asshole i guess yeah because then they're gonna be like fucking bitch and then i'm gonna be like i am a bitch oh god you know so i could have just said no yeah i co-sign out like she is just around the bushes yeah she's dumb too no it. I'm like, she is! Just around the bushes. She's dumb, too. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. She loves Princess Bride, bro. Anne Hathaway's her favorite actress because she doesn't have a soul.

Isn't that what everyone says about Anne Hathaway? She's like soulless or something. Or she's humorless. Remember when her and Franco hosted the worst hosted Oscars ever? That was just atrocious in every element. Like, James Franco shouldn't host a fucking goddamn thing. No. Poor Anne Hathaway. He can, like, sing a song.

Yeah, it's so weird. But, like, beyond that. Yeah, James Franco's like, I'm disinterested. It's just, like, four or five years ago. Yeah, four or five years. Yeah. And then if you also told me it was, like, ten years ago, I'd be like, I'm disinterested. It's just like four or five years ago. Yeah, four or five years. And then if you also told me it was like 10 years ago, I'd be like, that sounds right. Yeah.

I don't know why they did it together. It was so dumb. No, I don't know either. I don't know what Psychopath was like. Let's see if they can do it. Yeah, they seem like fun. It's like actors should definitely get up there and pontificate. Dang, Karen. Dang, Karen.

Dang, Karen. Wow. I guess we're not going to get James Franco on the show anymore. Unbelievable. That's fine. I mean, he's me too, dude. Yeah, he's me too. Oh, yeah.

In a real way. In what? In a real way. But nothing has happened to him. He's still going strong. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess he doesn't really have anything that's... Well, actually, no.

I guess he's like an Aziz-level Me Too. No. Why'd you look at me, Karen? My Karen? No, like speaking of the Oscars, I think actually he got bumped from presenting something. Oh, because of that? Yeah, exactly.

Interesting. No, that was Casey Affleck. I don't know. It's all the same. Who cares? Yeah, it's all white guys. Yeah, exactly. Who cares?

Russell Simmons. Yeah. But nothing happened to him? It makes sense for him, too, because he was telling- He seems like a total piece of shit. He was telling somebody. He was telling a woman, I think. He was like, just let it go.

Don't let it go. I was like, yeah, no wonder you feel that way. Same way that Donald Trump's like, come on, he's denying it. He's denying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guys with charges against him are like, come on. He has two people with charges against, right? They both resigned.

Trump's cabinet. Yeah. Horrendous. Yeah, but like Trump said, they deny it. What do you think Trump's doing for Valentine's Day? Literally, oh my God. He's getting a heart-shaped quarter pounder of cheeseburger. Yeah.

Dude, I would get a double quarter pounder of cheese when I was a kid. Like, that's disgusting. Yeah, I would get double cheeseburgers a lot. Is that with special sauce? That's a Big Mac. Oh. See, I don't know. You didn't get McDonald's?

You didn't grow up on McDonald's? I mean, mean like ish we haven't talked that's a question i've never asked you we haven't talked about this that's right that's right we haven't gotten mcdonald's off is this okay yeah this might be too spicy we did talk about pop tarts literally on saturday it was like josh i need a big mac oh yeah and he was like that's special and that is special sauce. That is special sauce. Okay. But I didn't. It makes a lot of bread, though. You know?

Too much bread to the meat ratio. But now they have junior Big Mac and like a grandma Big Mac or something. Grandma Big Mac? Yeah. They have like different like sizes with different amounts of bread. Why grandma? I don't fucking know. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.

I'm not positive that that's the name, but it's something like that. It's maybe some shit. Chopped mechanical food or something. Easier to swallow. I used to fuck so hard with McDonald's. My mom used to leave McDonald's. We were latchkey kids, and my mom would leave McDonald's for us

before she went to work every day for a solid school year one time. It was amazing. A Big Mac and fries every day after school. That's insane. That's criminal. My parents should go to jail. You shouldn't be allowed to do that. Did I used to eat Taco Bell?

Dude, I would eat like three cans of soda a day. No, did you say grandma? It's just Grand Mac. It's Mac Junior. Josh just Googled it.'s mac jr big mac and grand mac karen got lazy with the reading oh fuck that c dude that's just how she orders it can i get the grandma she's like what a stupid name um uh yeah no i ate a ton of mcdonald's growing up with that dollar menu when i was a teenager yeah that was a new that was huge and then taco bell got that dollar menu oh my god i was crushing those fucking burritos dude how old are you i was like it's like 15 i stopped eating i started

getting skinny around 16 i was like i'm too good for this yeah i haven't had fast food since i was 16 like that kind of fast food really yeah josh like weekly what's your go-to usually taco bell yeah yeah does chipotle count no oh okay because umar says so well because i think chipotle is not processed it's all like they use all natural shit. Yeah. It's better. Yeah. I try. I used to do it a lot going down to DC cause they have that Taco Bell like right on the way. Oh hell yeah.

Yep. But yeah, I would get two seven layer burritos. That's my go to. Damn. Yeah. I like, uh, sometimes in the summer I'll do the, I'm a big, uh, we talked about this last time on the podcast. I'm a big, uh, vanilla cone head at McDonald's.

Hell yeah. Soft serve. Yeah. Last night you just said you didn't like soft serve no bitch yes you did you are such a liar i said i don't like frozen yogurt oh my god i don't fuck with fro-yo dude it tastes like yogurt is this gross i want ice cream i like i like in fact like a pink i've never had it ask like super tart frozen yogurt yeah my favorite shit just like put some fruit in that yeah i mean there's a froyo place in the neighborhood it's not that bad not that bad but i'm saying like yeah well that was what we're talking about yeah oh interesting what i thought i saw a sign that

they have soft serve oh i fuck I fuck hardcore with soft serve. I think they have it. When I go to Ocean City, I got a get a fucking swirl, dude. I got a get. I got a get a swirl, dude. I fuck so. Oh, when that ice cream man comes around in the summer and he has that soft serve. God, I hate to get an ice cream man.

That's such a weird truck, too. Why? It's just so weird. The truck is always around. What are you doing? Why are you speaking? Okay. A truck that serves soft serve

is amazing. Fuck you guys. Yes, but it looks like a truck that was repurposed. It looks like it used to- You can get crack. You can totally get crack. Yeah, the truck looks like

it was repurposed from a hazardous material cleanup truck. I don't give a- Dude, if he's selling drugs and ice cream good for him he found a way out of a bad situation you know like uh he found a way out it sounds like he's still in it i don't know i'm better now exponentially increased his income he's

like yeah yeah perfect combo yeah as like an adult i have chased down that truck it's the best feeling in the world i have never but i hear it every night yeah yeah it'll post up in the intersection here yeah it's just like with the song i hope it comes by my new place i fucking love that guy and then uh he comes to my neighborhood so yeah yeah dude ice cream truck when we were there's nowhere to like really ice cream truck to like post to like around Keswick. I think ice cream trucks are going the way of the dodo now because I remember when I was young, like ice cream trucks would drive around my neighborhood. What's the dodo?

Oh, it's a bird that went extinct. Is it extinct? I only know that it's the dodo from like Instagram. What's that? Yeah. Like Facebook videos about animals that I follow religiously. But sure. I was like, so they're like the cutest.

Yeah. Dodos are extinct. Right. You've heard that. That's the one saying that I know that other people don't know. That's pretty good. Boom. That's pretty good.

That's a good saying. Yeah. Umar and I have this running thing of like, he's not familiar with many sayings. That's because of my parents. No, stop using that shit. Karika's mad at me because I've never heard any like Doris shit. Not just. Or like Phil Collins.

Old classic music. He's like, no, never heard of it. I'm like, Umar, get in here. All right? Yeah. Riders on the storm. We're listening. All right? All right? Yeah. Riders on the storm. We're listening. Get in here.

All right? All right? Grandma Big Macs for everybody. Hey, we're going to listen to the Quran. We're going to get high. We're going to read the Quran while we listen to Riders on the Storm. It's going to be fucked up. Yeah.

Get in here. It's a gateway band, dog. Karen just kept saying that. I have a couple of cocktails. No, I have listened to the... That sounds like a cocktail. I have listened to The Doors. I don't get why they were huge. Also, like...

He also doesn't think that kids in high school now listen to The Doors or Led Zeppelin. That's not what I said. I don't think they do acid now. Oh, I thought you said bands. No, I know they still do that. They definitely. You're such a liar.

I'm not a liar. You fucking just like to put shit in your head that I fucking didn't say. Does anybody want to take me to the princess? I don't even know what I'm going to. The princess bride or diaries? I don't know either, babe. The princess diaries all go. I love

Mia Thermopolis or whatever her name is. Who? That's Anne Hathaway's character's name. So we're seeing Princess Bride. Bride.

Yes. Oh, we started it and then we had too many good times and I passed out. Yeah, speaking of good times, that was one of my favorite soft serve experiences

when we went to McDonald's. Oh my God. We went and saw Brand New and Modest Mouse at Merriweather and I think we wanted to uh soft serve experiences when we went to mcdonald's oh my god we went and saw a brand new and modest mouse at merriweather and i think we wanted to get soft serve after that i know it was no we did sidebar and there's always uh stuff rolling around there yeah so when we left we had a uh whatever and uh yeah good time had some good times but we went to the uh mcdonald's around the corner on Falls Road. And we were just so excited to get them.

And I think the guy could tell that we were having good times. So we just, well, first of all, just two like giggly guys like, we get two soft serve. Until we get to the window and the guy is. Oh, well, we said we're like, and make them good, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I wanted a big one. The guy's presenting them and he goes, I did a good job on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Because I wanted a big one. The guy's presenting them, and he goes,

I did a good job on that. Yeah, no, because he handed us one. It was huge, and you could see, like, our eyes get huge. He's like, I did good on that one. And then we all three of us started cracking up. It was the best. We just love the idea of a guy like, yeah, look at my coat. I hope that guy got a raise, dude.

Shout out to that guy. I'm going to write a Yelp. I've never written a Yelp review. I'm going to write a Yelp review for that man. It would be awesome if that's the only one you ever write to. Yeah, but I don't think kids do acid anymore. I have something we should review. I'm sure they do.

What? Something that just opened. It's a medical dispensary in Hamdenden have you been well yeah i mean it's gonna be a bit of a process to do that yeah i looked into it have you looked into it it's expensive as shit so far as like the fyi you can't you can't even get in there yeah you can't even get in there without a card yeah and to get a card you have to find a doctor we have to register at the state and then get approved for that then Then find a doctor. And your name goes on a list and then you can't own a gun anymore, Karen. You got to get rid of all your guns, dude.

You got to chop Josh's arms off. What's up? Good luck. I kind of feel better about that because I'm like people who want to smoke weed like shouldn't have guns. Well, I don't know about that because i'm like people who want to smoke weed like yeah shouldn't have guns well i don't know about that well i just i would feel better if like generally speaking less fewer people had yeah yeah people that's like yeah me too that's for sure so like guys would you just say me too what did you say yeah i uh i mean if i do or don't want a medical marijuana card yeah i have anxiety issue um yeah just something about being on a list while the federal government is not cool

with marijuana it does not seem good to me right now jeff sessions yeah a racist keyboard elf he's like we's bad we got it yeah so um yeah and i heard the uh people who do have cards and they went in like it's insanely priced because it's the only one yeah yeah so what's the only one it's the first to open in the city i think well there's another one there's two in fells point actually there's one in federal hill too okay maybe that's it sorry the two are in fed hill why do i know this shit well because apparently you don't like having good times but every weekend you end up having some good times that is funny yeah when uh when i'm having good time somebody else is very into it as well i don't know who do you have a stash or yeah always mine um but uh yeah so uh yeah your dad

sent me the article on it or sent you the article and then you sent it to me but so there's an article in the Baltimore Sun about the dispensaries that have opened and so they're asking people in like the neighborhood their thoughts on it and stuff and somebody was like I'm okay with it I just don't want a bunch of fast food restaurants popping up around here. It's like, well, first comes the weed, then the fast food. That's hilarious.

I read this article where a Girl Scout put up shop in front of a dispensary in Colorado and sold 300 boxes of cookies in six hours. Yeah. Like three hours.

Oh, I believe it. She's an entrepreneur. 600 in three hours. Yeah. Hell yeah. She's going to crush. I don't know why Girl Scout cookies,

they should just sell them all the time. Yeah. All the time. You should be able to go up to a Girl Scout and be like, what's up?

I mean, yeah. Do you sell cookies? Bitch, you hold them? Not that I often see Girl Sc on yeah i find out where one lives i just knock on her house and her parents and i'm like hey is michelle home i have money in my hand like what the fuck is going on with them cookies dude girl what's going on let me see that'd be so much no groceries dude the girl scouts would be rich if they just put their shit in the grocery stores thin mints in the fucking freezers oh fucking yeah yeah why don't they i think they

think it's like gonna be less special well and it would take away from the money going directly to them yeah you have to go through distributors yeah yeah damn we thought this out yeah but they're not even making the cookies. Do Girl Scouts actually make the cookies? No, they get the Boy Scouts to do it because it's 2018. Oh, word. It's like, oh man. Well, girls can join Boy Scouts now.

Okay. Gays and girls can join Boy Scouts now. Because for a while, there were no gays. And then they got a lot of backlash and they're like, alright. And then I guess they were like, I guess we can't discriminate against girls either. So it's just

I don't know. Were you in Boy Scouts? Were you guys in Girl Scouts? I was actually very progressive growing up. I was in Day Scouts. Ooh, Day Scouts. Nice. What did they do? He was in Day Scouts. Day. scout day thank you day we didn't have pronouns karen okay i was like what does that stand for no that's a new thing instead of like him or her you say they right no karen's on board karen my karen's not on board i mean just kidding she's

woke yeah we had woke badges it was pretty cool Karen what's your least favorite thing about dating dating Umar period and Umar like you know in terms of the fact

that they think that they have to like come together and talk into microphones all the time I know what she's gonna say this is like uh that but i'll let you answer yeah and i'll be honest oh this is like the newlywed game yeah that's what i'm gonna say um then we're gonna we're gonna wrap up soon too because i think the batteries are gonna die again but like so the question is the least favorite part of yeah the whole like someone who's like she's like what was that

shitty question yeah jesus christ karen what question is gonna end my relationship i'm like wait what am i doing yeah thanks karen no no i want to now i need to know this answer wow no there's nothing can i have a cupcake, I guess, what would you like to change? What would I like to change? I don't, um, no. This isn't, like, even a nice thing. We should have done the newlyweds game on here. We actually should have.

That would have been a fun thing to see. Ooh. I don't know how to play it. You ask her a question, and then you... Ask me what the worst part about dating Karen is. What's the worst part about dating Karen, Josh? Her pussy game too tight. Damn.

It's too tight. Damn. When you and Karen are making whoopie, do you A, like two? Yeah, because we watched a bunch of clips, and they always said whoopie instead of... Is that from like the 70s? Yeah, and what they thought was insane to say on tv back then was is so mild yeah did you see the clip where it's it's uh they asked uh what's the craziest place you've ever had sex i don't think so it's whoopee oh whoopee yes a woman goes the butt yes i love that one she says the butt and

then the guy then he was like the kitchen, he held up his and said the kitchen. But they're both like dying laughing. Oh my God. The butt. That's so good. Umar, what did you think I was going to say? I'm a bad listener. Yeah, that's true.

True, true. Yeah. That's what you always complain about yeah all right what's the worst part karen of dating this guy this guy just guy jish of dating jizz he likes to do bits i've had to say to him like this is not improv damn the bit floor was closed yeah well i think if we were like going to bed or just like waking up that's funny one of my favorite things with karen though was doing like a practice improv where uh so karen was like i think i'm just gonna call out the next day i'm just gonna say i'm sick and you know it's like all right we don't have to call out it was something you're like well i don't

want to call it i have some work to do so maybe i'll just like go in and then say i'm sick i'm like all right we got to plant that seed early if you go in that you're like kind of sick so like when you go in maybe like cough yeah so like let's run the scenario so i'll be your boss good morning karen and she was just like hi and i was like okay let's start again karen does bits though like karen like uh karen she'll even like say like i've been working on this bit i love that and then like what was the last bit you were working on it was the glenmont thing great well it's green mount oh green and you guys pronounce it green mont green mont i say green mont i always heard green month she doesn't know where it is yeah where is it's on the way to the ace hardware see she just naturally said green mount or you said mount it's spelled green and then m-o-u-n-t so it is green mount but yeah baltimore

people say greenmont or black baltimore people it's like houston street with new yorkers it's spelled houston it's like doug doug yeah ell. Doug? Yeah. Ellicott, Ellicott. Ellicott? Who says Ellicott? Everyone from who's, that's how you know who's not from Maryland. They say Ellicott City.

Yeah, that's whack. Yeah. What, what's my worst part of dating Karen? Ooh. I don't, I don't think there's

anything bad. There you go. Well done. Okay, stop saying. Yeah, end of question. Yeah. All right. I already told you.

Pussy game too tight. Damn. Too tight. It's too tight. Okay. Yeah, I think, yeah, there's nothing. I mean, you know, like I said earlier, it's just maybe the Instagram thing. That's all.

Too on your phone. Oh, I'm on my phone a lot too yeah so am i though so yeah then she's like well you just were on yours i'm like but i'm off of it now pay attention to me i lied to karen when we first met yeah she called me out on this like well because i did it a couple times i like i i was i acted like on purpose left my phone at home when went out like when i go out with friends like just like on the avenue maybe you know and i told karen i was like yeah you know i'm just people are too into their phones at least yeah that was like the first time i hung out

i'm like yeah all right this guy okay and then like two weeks later i'm like motherfucker i'm just as bad as you but you're pretty bad i need to see yeah i would that that was like actively something i was trying to do in my life is like not look at my phone you're trying to be that person i'm not that person. I've given up on being that person. I think he also said he didn't eat cheese. What the fuck? No, but when I met you, I was doing my like hardcore sober diet month. I think when we hung out, though, it was after that. All right, Karen. You know what, Karen?

I'm sorry. No, no. That's literally how this podcast should end. Like, you know what, Karen? You have cheat days You know, like weekends are cheat days Dude, I know about these cheat days Yeah, you're there

We got ice cream We got bagels Dude, Towson Hot Bagels I know, you told me You gotta hit that shit up They have a billboard What? We saw it on the

On the corner Up at 28th, I think. Yeah. It's really good because like, you know, another local place, they microwave their eggs. This place, griddle top. That's tight. I'm into that. Yeah.

Yeah. Cool. Plugs? Yeah. Let's see. What do I have? I am a little unprepared. On February 22nd, me and you are on the same show, right?

On Friday? The 23rd. Ooh. Yeah. The 22nd is a Thursday because I have Speechless that night. But you and I are doing a show this Saturday. Oh, yeah. Centurion at Atomic.

Yeah. Before you're taping. So that's what? The 18th? 17th. Oh, boy. All right. Batteries keep dying. taping so that's what the 18 oh boy alright batteries keep dying so the batteries

that died before I just put them in they're full the meters full so whatever yeah plugs if anybody is still listening after all these interruptions here yeah Centurion is on Saturday the 17th at 8 o'clock at Atomic Books here in Hamden

Umar's special is on the 18th. Try to get in if you can, but it's sold out. The 21st I'll be at the DC Draft House for Black Card Revoked. 22nd is Speechless and then 23rd we're doing a benefit at the Draft House.

We're on that show on the 23rd. 24th I'm headlining a gig in Silver Spring at Doc Bob Sode's room. Don't know what the fuck that is. Sounds good. But I get paid, so I'm doing it. Oh, dude, you do at Doc Bob Sode's? Yeah.

Sick. I grew up in Silver Spring, and I've never. Oh, man. I don't know. Maybe that's a guy's name. Sure. And then. I think he's a doctor.

Dr. Boxo. He's my brother. Nice. And then March 1st, I have Jenin Jokes. Drew Michael is headlining. He used to be on SNL Writer. He's been on The Carmichael Show. His feature, Abby Rosen.

Oh, buddy. Well, you know. It's going to be a good one. Great, great, great show. Cool. Yeah, so come to that. Say hi on the internets and all the social medias and stuff. Because I don't know if it's been communicated. good one great great great show cool yeah so come to that say hi on the internets and all the social medias

and stuff because I don't know if it's been communicated we're very needy yeah Karen's you guys got plugs yeah anything I don't have shit

but thank you guys you guys can see them at all our shows just hanging out being angry right right right Karen's gonna be at Fork and Wrench

this Friday mostly none yeah I'll be at the Umar show With my aunt And uncle Are you gonna sit next to them? It might get uncomfortable

It's gonna be packed It's gonna be so fun They made dinner plans without me Damn where are they going? I don't know Who gives a shit? Yeah, dude. If you're not invited, fuck them.

We won't be there. Fuck them. We're going to get fucked. Yeah, get over that. Yeah. Cool. We're going to go get Grandma Max or whatever. All right.

This was fun, guys. Yeah. Cool. Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day. To everybody. Happy V-Day. Two years.

Two years, yeah. Flew by. Good gravy. Good gravy. Five months is a big deal for me. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah