The Digression Sessions - Ep. 248 - The Dudes (Josh & Umar!)

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up after a busy two weeks to wonder just what the hell they're doing with their lives. And Umar officiates a wedding! But, he has a bad run in with a "dude." Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Damn, Wolf. It's been two weeks, guys. Hey! Welcome. Welcome. Two weeks later and we're here.

Baby, we are going to struggle to fill an hour. I know. Because somebody did give me feedback they're like maybe don't talk about comedy so much they're like it gets so inside and she was like yeah sometimes i skip past that part because like i can't relate to what you're saying and that is fair but i think for every person that feels that way there's another person that's like into it you know because sometimes you catch people they're like oh i didn't know and that's like i'm into it but i like famous people talking

about comedy i don't think people want to hear like too barely above open mic yeah anyway so so anyway i've been doing a lot of comedy yeah five minutes at the open mic i did yeah i took the week off man i was tired yeah she did a wedding yeah yeah i saw that it was good i saw the picture yeah so whose wedding was it uh my buddies rachel and pete they asked me to officiate their wedding and like uh they told me a long time ago and i waited so long to write yeah i waited pretty much up until the weekend like webster's dictionary defines marriage as no they wanted me to and it sucked because we went to the rehearsal and like everyone's like oh i heard you're a comedian oh they're like so pumped for like and i was like god damn it the pressure i like rewrote it the night before like half of it and it went

it went great it was awesome it was super cool like it was funny thoughtful and uh yeah it was cool got a lot of good feedback but at the wedding i don't know if i should i'll tell this story i don't care it's a good story okay so gotta fill that content i know i don't relationships be damned i know i don't want anyone to uh if they hear this be offended i'm not making fun of this person. Just a good story for a podcaster. Like, now, when I say all queers are retarded, what I mean is, now don't go crazy out of the gate. Stick with me. Look, guys, we're bombing Syria.

There are bigger things to worry about than this person. That's great. I did see people today in the morning saying something like, I thankful that the syria and russia didn't bomb us when we were poisoning poisoning flint's water or it's a little and i was like that's a lot different it's quite the stretch it's a lot different than uh people actively using poison to hurt anyway whatever well chemical weapons and versus like yeah and obama did airstrikes in syria yeah so where were those kind of tweets then they're probably around maybe probably dude do you think he's gonna get impeached uh there's like evidence of him paying off stormy and tapes oh sure sure well that they think there might be tapes because

they think that uh his lawyer tapes have been fucking her no no no no tapes the guy michael cohen like records all his conversations why do famous or why do like politicians it has never led to anything good so i think michael cohen did it so the other way of like recording like somebody else saying some shady shit and being like don't fuck with with me. I have a tape of you. So it's supposed to work both ways. I don't think he's that dumb. He's like, hold on.

Before we start discussing illegal stuff, let me just hit record real quick. So how far deep was your tongue in Stormy Daniel's asshole? I have been watching some of her porn ever since. I wonder if it's helping her sales. I think it is. Well, she like, speaking of getting in the weeds of the industry, but she's like and stuff so it's like yeah they're like touring like strip clubs yeah yeah so it's like yeah come see me in new jersey i'm like oh what a nightmare that must be when i was driving to philly uh i saw a poster for alexis texas who's a porn star i like she's i've never heard of her never really interesting really? Interesting. She has a big butt.

And I only know Stormy Daniels as Stephanie whatever her name is. Yo, I remember reading a story. Some porn star who got out of porn and then became a real estate agent. She got fired because people outed her. Oh, I heard about that. That's so shitty. Yeah. She really got fucked on that one.

Yeah. People, am I right you know i wonder just how many couples like walked into a house and saw their real estate agent the guy's just like yeah he's like tight tight tight tight um yeah the stormy daniels thing is weird because yeah she has like ads on porn sites now like like the sometimes anti-trump ads no no but like before like a video will load it's like a five second thing and it's stormy dan she's like you might have seen me around lately but i'll be blah blah blah like come to my website it's just so weird to be so gross like you might have seen me on 60 minutes talking about how the president fucked me anyway if you want to

watch my porn yeah what a weird timeline like other playmate that said that she also had an affair with him but it doesn't make him what the only thing that's bad is that he used campaign money to silence these women right during the well technically any i'm pretty sure like if you're a candidate anybody you're giving money to it then becomes related to the campaign really so it's like if he wasn't running for president and then gave her money it wouldn't matter so that's the that's the weird thing where everybody's like the stormy daniels thing is a joke however it isn't because now he's breaking federal election laws dude can you imagine textbooks from years from now? Like years from now. So much to break down.

What is he, the 43rd president? 45th? Yeah. Because people call him 45 instead of saying Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The 45. Yeah. That in the textbooks, like if he does get kicked out, impeached and then removed from

office, if it's because of a porn star. Yeah. What the fuck? Like the rest of the world must think we're insane of course i mean they thought we were insane like even just having him in the election as a candidate they're like yeah what are you guys doing and then we're like oh just you wait yeah we're gonna put him in there dog gets so crazy like that could be in a textbook that like oh and our kids are like dad what happened during and just so much is like normalized too

like he's sitting with his war generals and then he's like this is a this is a travesty and you're like oh so much like the fbi raiding his yeah yeah he goes the fbi broke in it's like they had warrants like they could be there but also you're surrounded by war generals you're supposed to be talking about syria and he's like man they really fucked with my lawyer honestly it's so messed up it's not cool dude what the fuck like i'm tired of this shit man they rated one of eight of his homes yeah and you know you're a slime ball too it's like and they rated his hotel room like he has his own hotel room yeah that's not cool his house why aren't you staying at your house yeah well i mean he's trump's fixer it's not like he's a good guy i'm sure nothing good's going on at that hotel god also just like

it's funny how uh like dude will trump like literally will watch fox and friends and then he just will make a tweet out just right off of what was said on TV. Like he's well, he is the demographic for Fox and friends. Yeah. Old racist white guys. And he's like, what? Like a caravan of Mexicans. I didn't follow that story at all.

There was just a big van of Mexicans coming to us. Like why is the president talking about one van? Yeah. He's like, there's a, there's a Toyota Aero star headed for the border. It has eight Mexicans in it. Pedro will not make his soccer game today.

Playoffs be damned. No, it's actually kind of sad because they were refugees, essentially. Those people were escaping violence and all kinds of stuff to seek asylum in Mexico and America. And he's like, they're all evil it's like no these people were the victims of evil like what the fuck it does it just makes no sense i it would be i mean it's literally like a novel right now it's like a fucking spy novel because you have you have uh okay so trump is under investigation allegedly there are sealed indictments for trump i read this off of like some fucking russian website

and then uh uh apparently a russian website that like tom delong uh sure uh visit i was worried about your credibility until you said tom de long yeah oh no this is real uh and then like dude when in the history i mean has a president's lawyer's office ever been raided no that's fucking no crazy and it's and they allegedly have evidence of stormy daniel's payoff oh yeah yeah yeah i mean the documents are definitely there like it's already there's no question she was paid money oh my god i want to see this fucking there's it would be so cool to watch this happen but there's so much stuff going on i mean i was i think about like robert muller and his team like you think like your work

you're just like oh i got this thing and this thing like you're investigating donald trump and his family who literally have decades of shady oh my god you uncover one thing and you're like oh and they're doing this shit and when did they do this and yeah fuck it and then it's over here it's across the whole world like everything must be so shady you're like holy shit i know like just everything that you're uncovering so yeah i mean it's so clear that he's like insanely guilty i mean oh yeah the shady deals he must have done like and everything's just normalized like hey you should release your tax returns he's like no yeah and we're like oh okay yeah every single president has done it except being super rich i

feel like every super rich person is that way. All these people keep fucking money offshore so they don't have to pay taxes. The fact that Apple can just get away. At one point, Apple had more liquid funds than the government. That's insane. And they don't have to pay taxes on it because some fucking croatian bank is managing it for that offered uh tax breaks and stuff yeah they get to bring amazon like basically they're like hey bring an amazon the headquarters here and like every single city that

is trying to lure them in it's like you can not pay taxes if you come here yeah they're all like what we're all like fucking like amazon's like this super hot chick and we're just we'll do okay yeah yeah whatever you want uh do you want to see the bottom of your shoe yeah it's uh it's an insane time really good times really good times good good time yeah and people like still defend them i mean it's insane also Also, watching Fox News and getting your... It's the best. You're the president. You have access to all the information.

Yeah, well, he doesn't read. He doesn't read. Yeah. That's my favorite part. He asks for more pictures and to trick him into reading stuff. They put his name into stuff. They put his name in Barrett because he just looks for his name. So stupid.

He's our president. God. I love it. yeah god it's i love it yeah it's it's a good time yeah we're in good hands really good hands also i like that we bomb syria on a friday night or like every because i remember seeing it i was like yeah this is a bummer but all right i guess i'm gonna go to the club yeah yeah i played a show with my rock and roll band in annapolis maryland yeah it's like the weather is perfect yeah what a nice night yeah the next day uh casey our singer he was like yeah it was such a fun night i didn't even realize we're at war now yeah we uh me and eric glazer roommate uh also on the pod friend of the friend of the Friend of the pod. We tried to go to Emo Night at Auto Bar.

It's packed, right? It was sold out, but they were like, yeah, you can come in. It's $25. We were like, fuck that. To basically just listen to a playlist. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, there were girls there.

Sure. But they were like young. And I was like, dude, we don't want to be here yeah yeah yeah it's not not the best look and you're like i also like fallout boy yeah yeah you guys want to drink can you drink what and i haven't drank in like it's been like a it's been almost two months really yeah it feels good you're gonna keep rolling with it yeah to see how long it goes i mean i'm having good times sure sure but this whole no drinking thing is great yeah i said money oh i'm not tired yeah if you go to bed late you feel fine in the morning yeah you're like oh okay yeah like because yeah if you go out drinking like the next day you're like oh i didn't get

enough sleep it's like yeah so you have a bunch of poison in your blood it does make it weird though uh i'm single now oh i yeah i kind of heard and uh you can't talk to women when you're out and they're drinking it just feels bad yeah well that's good yeah if you were like it's so much easier yeah no we made this joke before and that's when somebody sent me a message on facebook because we were talking about like a dumb bro realizing it's like if you stay sober and everyone is drunk, he's just throwing chicks in his car. Yeah.

He's like Neo in the Matrix. He's like, whoa, I figured it out. Yeah. I cracked the code. Yeah. Jesus Christ. But yeah, I mean, it's called like a social lubricant for a reason because if you're meeting people like oh do you want to get a drink or like you know just make

shit less awkward yeah it's uh i don't know why i think i'm just doing it for vanity purposes losing weight so i mean i don't need to lose weight it's just i feel better i feel like i don't have like a i try to limit limit it to like two or like at least... Yeah, I'm trying to not have it where it's like getting like sloppy because that's never fun. It's not even that. Like even if I drink two beers, I feel so gross. Do you really?

That's like 800 calories, dude. Hmm. I don't know. I just try to balance it out with like running and working out and stuff. Yeah, I mean, I do that too. Then I feel like you waste your workout, you people listening now are like talk about comedy yeah yeah yeah who cares stupid fucks i haven't done any show oh i did judah that was cool yeah yeah yeah so yeah we haven't even like seen each other no like two almost two weeks but you did the improv yeah

yeah yeah and we just like kept bumping the podcast so like dude i'm tired dude i fucking went to bed at 2 a.m on sunday yeah it was horrible and then i didn't like friday wedding shit saturday all day wedding yeah yeah yeah and then sunday i was trying to do work and then i had to set up the room then i had to go pick them up at the airport then like we did two shows back to back and like um then everyone at the late show wanted pictures and we got caught up yeah and you're in a good mood and you're in a good mood i had to drive him back to the hotel room and then come home and sleep it sucked it was i was so tired that week and then i had gin and jokes on thursday so it was just non-stop not sleeping yeah so yeah

when i i was doing the dc improv and it was six shows, so it was Thursday through Sunday. That's a lot. I can't believe they still do a Sunday show. That seems rare. Yeah, and with the headliner, Taylor Tomlinson, she's like... She's great, right? Yeah, she's really good, and she's like 25 years old. Yeah, super, super young.

So you're 31. Sarom, the feature is... he's been doing comedy for 15 years it's wild god it's wild but it's she was so nice and so good and like just so cool it was where did she start uh she's from california so i think she a lot of it matters where you start sure sure but i, you know, think about how many people are like in LA doing shit. But I think she got into Last Comic Standing early. But Burt Kreischer brought her on the road as a feature.

She featured at the Improv in like the fall. And then the Improv, like she crushed it so hard. They're like, you should come back in Headline in like six months. And she did. Oh my God. Two of the shows on saturday were sold out that's like nearly 300 people most of the shows were i mean they were all like if not sold out like really close yeah god that's so cool it was a fun weekend man that's awesome she was so dope it's so good i mean even like the club has just run so well and also it's like in a cool

location where most clubs are just like yeah just an awful fucking just places and like it's in a cool city smart people uh like you know not done like not like good audience members yeah great audience members and the club is just so part like it from the staff level like everybody's so nice and the manager crushes it and uh yeah man it was nice it was like cool to it's always good to be at a club like yeah you know be like hey yeah i'm doing it i'm doing it so yeah yeah it was it was a lot of fun the crowds are pretty good there's only one weird part where um i was like up top i was asking about like if there's any couples in the audience you know because as the host i'm trying to like break the ice yeah how we doing how we feeling blah blah and uh and this woman she goes newlyweds and i was like okay one of you sounds excited so like just you know kind of like make a little joke there.

It's like, so how long have you guys been married? And then she answered again. She was like, six weeks. And I was like, does the guy talk? Just make it a bit. And somebody up front, she goes, why has it got to be a guy? And I was like, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God.

That was just my real reaction. And that got a laugh from the audience. So I was like, thank you. Thank you. It's like, come on. Why has it the audience. So I was like, thank you, thank you. It's like, come on, man. Why has it got to be a guy? Sometimes you have to deal with it. That's the annoying part of DC sometimes. Yeah, and I was like, come on, man.

You know I didn't mean anything by that. A little bummer. I don't think... I was like, because there's no queers allowed here. Oh, yeah, the Judah stuff was cool, cool but when i so that went back to the wedding yeah uh i feel bad telling this story whatever i didn't do anything wrong i just because i know rachel the i don't think she'll care so don't give me homework i don't want to i won't i won't i won't so there was a person at the wedding who was like aggressively hitting on me and like i just got out of a thing i don't want

to hook up with anyone just like which only makes them want to hook up more i just want to hang out have fun so uh we're at the dinner i'm sitting next to this person at the rehearsal dinner the night before we're talking what's flirty it's fun whatever next day at the wedding oh i go to the groom's house early in the morning i'm officiating they told me to be there i don't know why and i just stand around small talk whatever she was there because she's the best man i didn't assume it was a girl i thought it might be a guy i don't know honestly i don't see gender so i don't know so then at the reception um i'm sitting next to this couple that i know we're friends they're great they have kids they're awesome just chilling hanging out and she's like hey i think this person's like i don't know they're like into into you. She was talking about you, but you apparently called her dude earlier in the day.

Yeah. The story tracks. Yeah. This tracks. And so she was like upset because she's like, oh, I guess he's not into me. Yeah.

And it's like, well, I call everyone dude, but also like. Cut to you like looking at your notes for the wedding. You're like, we are gathered here today, dudes.

Yeah. To bring two beautiful dudes together. Yeah. Just crossing shit out. Oh, no. Everyone dude. Like during sex. I'm like'm like dude your pussy feels so good dude bro i'm about to come i'm close i'm close dude dude bro suck my dick after you come you're just like dude yeah dude bro that was some

dope sex yeah that was sick dude i got a jet all right so anyway so then like me and this person we're sitting across from each other she just you know yeah it's interesting because she's like hitting on me the whole time yeah the whole time she is like trying to hit on me and what is she is she like pretty aggressive is she just like yeah it got it got exceedingly aggressive yeah give me give me and the people a couple of these lines she threw out okay yeah Is she like pretty aggressive? Is she just like... Yeah, it got exceedingly aggressive. Yeah, give me and the people a couple of these lines she threw out. Okay. Yeah.

So, well, hold on. So, she's hitting on me. And then while she's hitting on me, sitting next to her across from me is another, is the groom's brother who's very much hitting on her. Like they brought four shots to the table together like he was like we gotta do these we gotta do shot for shot and i'm like and i'm not and she's like giving me shit for not drinking and i'm like yeah i just not in the rehearsal dinner starts like we're gonna have awkward soup for everyone awkward awkward soup yeah i'm not drinking whatever and she kind of like teasing me about it i guess like she thought it would be easier if i'm drunk you know the social lubricant sure and uh nice role reversal

there she's like loosen up i know right i couldn't imagine like if this was a dude in this scenario it would be so bad. Oh, yeah. So then later on, she always keeps grabbing me to dance, which is fine. Whatever. I'll dance. I don't give a shit. I'm fucking on good times. Right.

And she brings up the dude conversation. She's like, yeah, you called me dude earlier. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry if you're offended. I call everyone dude. You get a somber look on your face. You're like, bro. Yeah yeah i want to apologize yeah uh and uh and i said you know i call everyone dude i'm sorry if you're offended she's like oh i wasn't offended it just lets me know my standing and i'm like oh my god what yeah well yeah so she's like he's like not into me because he's calling me dude he

doesn't see me as a sexual option. Yeah. And I get that. Totally get it. Yeah. It's a little aggressive. Sure. Because then, I don't know.

I guess I have to. My friend. And then, so after that, she said, hey, are you going to the after party? And I was like, no, I'm going to go home. I'm like dead. And I had to do those two shows the next night. Yeah. And I was going to be up late.

Yeah. And she was like, oh, well, you'll get lucky if you do. And I was just like, okay. I was like, kind of laughed it off, whatever. And it's like, you know, like if I was in that mood, it would have been a cute line. Yeah. Not a bad line.

It's nice. It's nice. It's very nice. Feather in the cap. I wonder. Yeah. So then I just kind of walk away. I'm letting it go.

Yeah. And I'm just talking to a friend and she comes in between us like ha introduces herself to the friend and then she turns around and like fake introduces herself to me and like blah blah blah and i don't know i think she just wanted attention or something yeah and then she walks away and then then I'm leaving. I say bye to people. I walk outside. She's outside bawling. Oh, no. Yeah, like dry tears in her eyes. I think she's pretty drunk.

I was going to say, this seems like. She seemed drunk. Which also another reason I should not go home with this person. No. Yeah, that's a bit of an unraveling there. Yeah. I'd be really bad if you're like, all right, now let's get out of here. She's like drunk. Fish in a barrel. Makeups everywhere. Yeah. I'd be really bad if you're like, all right, now let's get out of here. She's like drunk.

Fish in a barrel. You have makeups everywhere. Yeah. Looks like I'm going to get lucky, huh? So she starts yelling at me. She's like, I hate you.

You go up to her and like put your hand on her back. You're like, dude, are you okay? That would have been honestly so perfect. Dude.

Dude. Dude, maintain. Bro, you good? Dude, can you keep your alcohol down you're all right dude are you a lightweight bro just checking in what's good you are bro your shit is all fucked up anyway i gotta bounce peace all right so then she's like yelling at me she's like i hate you and you suck and it's like and then to everyone else around it just looks like i'm a piece of shit right because whenever a girl is yelling at a dude the dude fucked up yeah the dude fucked up i did something wrong i i made a move or i did something whatever yes yes i cheated i don't know what right right right fill in the blanks so then there's this couple

like consoling her and i love that you basically went through like a whole relationship you went through a whole relationship and you weren't even interested in yeah yeah she's like okay here we're in the fun flirty phase and you're like nah i'm good she's like yeah and like you know i can see like i i guess i was flirting i don't know but like it doesn't matter right yeah yeah yeah yeah this is a role reversal thing of like what it must be like to be a woman a lot of the time just like a guy trying to fuck you ruined your night you're trying to be nice you don't want to be like dude i'm not fucking you yeah yeah yeah and it's not on i don't owe you anything like yes i will talk to you but if i'm not interested in you like

that's not my problem yeah if you're just like well fuck you then i bought you all those drinks like you didn't have to yeah yeah oh garrett uh local comic has a great joke where uh he's like yeah i'm tired of like buying drinks for girls who have boyfriends like one time he bought he said he bought a drink for this girl and she was like thank you and walked over handed it to her boyfriend her boyfriend held it up to him like thanks bro and drank it that is so funny that's great like and gerd's like like man he'd done this before it's just so funny it's awesome good way to get free drinks so um so she's yelling i'm walking down the steps i'm like my uber's already on its way i'm like hey i'm going i'm sorry yeah and i was like all right dude so oh no i didn't call her i'm sorry i didn't

want to use the person's name but i was like okay bye yeah person's name it was nice meeting you yeah i'm sorry you're upset something like that and then i'm walking down the steps and she's yelling you suck like yelling you suck like as i'm like what the fuck is going on wow it was just so embarrassing and i shouldn't be embarrassed but it just felt like but it sucked because the whole like last two hours of the wedding i'm just like oh what do i do what do i do i don't want to like yeah i should have just been up front from the like that's what my friend she was like dude you yeah, I should have just been up front from the, like, that's what my friend, she was like, dude, you should, if you would have just been up front right away,

you wouldn't have to, but it's hard. It's like, yeah, it's, it's weird. Cause you don't want to come off as like a jerk. Like, you don't like if she's like,

Hey, blah, blah, blah. Like you don't want to be like, if somebody is just being like fun and joking around, if you're like, uh,

let me just nip this in the bud. Right. Yeah. All right. I just got out of a thing. Look, I can tell you want this dick real bad. Exactly.

You can't do that. You just come off so arrogant. So it's like, oh, we're having fun. So she's yelling that, and I'm walking down the steps, and then this couple, this married couple is consoling her, and I had met them the night before at the rehearsal dinner. Yeah. And they're very nice.

She's actually went to high school with Dylan Meyer. Interesting. How crazy is that? Small world. Yeah. So she runs down the steps to me. Oh, boy. And grabs me by the arm.

She's like, Umar, come on. Just go home with her. And I'm just like, what? That is happening. I know, dude. Is she drunk, too? The woman that just came up to you? Probably.

I don't know. We're at a wedding. What a terrible wingman. Yeah. She was like, come on, Umar. Take my wasted friend home. Just go home. Or she was like, just go back to the hotel.

See what happens. And I'm like, nah, man. I'm really tired. She's like, it's just one night. You never know what could happen. This is all so bro-y and weird. And she's going to just go back to her state where she lives. Like if me and you did this, and I was just like, just go home, my friend Umar. It would be so rapey. He's like crying and throwing up. You know, just go back to where her state where she lives like if me and you did this and i was just like just go home it would be so rapey he's like crying and throwing up you know just

go have fun yeah go fuck this drunk girl it's just one night whoa and then she was like and i told her i was like dude i'm like i have a late night tomorrow i just got out of a thing i don't want to hook up with anyone and she's like that's in the past like you don't know we're gonna you never know it's just one night and i was just like i gotta go and uh and it just felt like i'm like i was like wait how am i the shitty one in this situation this is crazy take her home yeah dick she's not gonna remember just fuck her like what she didn't say that but Just have fun. Why not? Oh, my God. And then, like, so while she's doing that, that girl is still, like, yelling.

And her husband is like, Umar, come on, dude. And blah, blah, blah. And then at one point, I guess, like, the girls are like, fuck him. I'm done. And the guy's like, eh, it's over, man. She's not. She's done. And I was like, what do you mean?

She's... I was never... We never started. We never started, dude. Done what? What the fuck? Wow. What a weird day. It's like the officiating went well.

It sucked. It did taint it a little bit. Well, yeah, especially because it's on the way out, too. It's like, ugh. Yeah. The wedding was amazing. It's honestly the best wedding I've been to. Nice.

It wasn't like there's nothing cheesy about it. Yeah. There's nothing like they kind of just did their own thing it was beautiful the food it was the first time i went to a wedding where the food was dope really yeah it was either you could do fried chicken and waffles or steak and eggs it was awesome they had like a fucking charcuterie set up they had a fucking yeah uh a dessert bar because it's like yeah if you're like steak and eggs at a wedding some people be like but it's like who doesn't like steak and eggs it was real good steak and eggs yeah it was awesome yeah i mean why not fucking have food that is people will like they're just

like we have like fettuccine alfredo like he's like a cook and like he's worked in restaurants like for his whole i guess adult life right yeah. Yeah, exactly. So that's awesome. I'm happy for them. It was good. Yeah, me too. They were great, man. Their pics on the Gram, they went to what? Disney World? Yeah.

Or Land, one of them. I don't know. I think Disney World. Which one's in Florida? Disney World. Yeah, there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that's their honeymoon, I guess.

Nice, man. Like small honeymoon. I don't know. Right. Yeah, it was crazy. But what an ending, huh? Goddamn. Yeah. What interesting uh turn there

yeah i guess like people you know they get that i've never i've never felt that way like at a wedding i've never been like oh like yeah maybe i'll get meets somebody you know isn't that what people feel though like supposedly at weddings yeah i think it's just like a kind of cliche right exactly but it's like a movie kind of cliche right yeah i don't know it's like i watched wedding crashers one time yeah exactly it's like this is how it is bro but like what's gonna happen like we have sex yeah i wake up next to a stranger in a hotel room on a sunday like what you know what i mean i don't want to do that i'm yeah almost 30 that's that's what. I don't want... That sounds not fun anymore. Right?

For a listener at home, Umar is shaking his head and making a jerk off motion. He's just trying to be... He's trying to sound cool. I'm trying to sound nice. Yeah. Like a nice guy.

He's trying to sound like a white knight over here. You know? What? He's a white knight. Yeah, man. I've... Yeah.

Didn't really... I don't think i've ever really experienced anything like that where i mean a little bit to where it's like kind of aggressive but it never got like dark where they're like fuck you when you're like yeah i didn't know if i should say something to the bride and groom like look i don't know what she told you this is what yeah so but then my friend i talked to my ari she was like dude that girl's probably insanely embarrassed she's probably drunk yeah and i would just let it go yeah she messaged you or anything like since then sent me a friend request right i really hope she doesn't listen to this pot i don't whatever i'm not saying anything bad no no it's just like what happened

that's what i was gonna say maybe she just messaged you the next day of like hey i'm not saying anything bad. No, no. It's just like what happened. But that's what I was going to say. Maybe she just messaged you the next day. I'm like, hey, sorry. I'm not going to be the one to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I figured if I was her, I'd be like, you know, when you wake up the next morning, you're like, holy shit. Just be like, message me like, hey, sorry about that. I hope we're good.

You know what I mean? You know what it kind of reminded me of? There was one time where me, you were at Rocket. It was on my birthday. And there was this cute chick that I was and like we thought she was flirting with me and then we kept like yeah like you were trying to wingman and i was hitting on her and it was like she was not not into it and like it was fun at first and then she was just like oh god yeah because i think we were we were doing a bit more more than anything and she's like okay i don't know you

guys drunk this is not funny yeah yeah well the icing on the cake was when we passed each other on the street later she covered her face remember that oh yeah not a good one yeah that's what was what that's what money money i can't speak i just had a fucking no that's what it must be like oh you're a woman you get hit on you just wanted to have fun and now or if you're nice back to somebody and then they're like oh all right game on i guess like no i'm just being a human being yeah i remember I was having a really nice conversation with this art therapist. It was me, Mikey Larrick, his girl at the time, or somebody. I don't know if it was Mikey.

Some dude, some comics before a show. And this woman was so gorgeous, so cool, worked with kids, was an art therapist. And we were just having a dope conversation and connection. And I was asking, I was like, you should ask around. I was like, I don't know. We were just having a dope conversation and connection. Yeah. And I was asking, I was like, you should ask around. I was like, I don't know. Right. Because to her, we could just be having a conversation. And then in my head, I'm like, oh, she wants to fuck so bad.

And that's what made me write a bit about it was anytime you're a single dude and a woman gives you attention, oh, this chick wants to fuck. Oh, yeah. And then so everyone's like calling me a calling me a pussy and they're like dude just ask her out so i asked her out she has a boyfriend and i just felt so bad yeah like oh she was totally cool with like she was really nice about it yeah and it was just like it must suck to any time you have an interaction yeah it leads to a dude just wanting to ask you out but yeah it's it's also shows the flip side of how guys

think about girls because if it's like if they're if they are being nice to you or if like a guy is being nice to a girl it's basically being like because we're gonna you know yeah yeah yeah yeah because i mean i would still have that conversation with her sure but like chris rock has that bit where he's like he's like don't trust a. Like anytime he's just trying to get laid. So it's like when he holds the door for he's like, here you go, man. What he's really saying is, yeah, like some dick fights with that with like a girlfriend of mine because she would do stuff like. Yeah. And I'm like, you know, that dude is trying to fuck you.

She's like, oh, that just says more about you. Yeah. Like, are you insane? Yeah. I mean, of course, there's like exceptions to the rule. Like, you know, if they're just having like a nice conversation. I think I was right most of you insane? Yeah, I mean, of course, there's exceptions to the rule. If they're just having a nice conversation. Shocker, though. I think I was right most of the time.

Sure, sure. I was going to say, yeah. No, dude. It's a cliche for a reason. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, at the DC Improv, there's a group of women that were all widowers that came to the show. Oh, my God.

What a fun group they were they were awesome they were so cool and like but like when you're like hey what are you guys what are you guys all about and they're like oh we're just a group of widow women yeah it's like well i hope to kill it tonight yeah they all murder their husbands um but uh yeah after show, we were all like saying hi in the lobby. And they were all so nice. Like, you guys are so funny. You're so awesome. And then we were like posing for a picture.

And this woman was kind of drunk. Did she grab your ass? No, she was in front of me and like lowered herself, I guess, to like get in the picture. And then she turned around. She's like, I guess I should be facing you if I'm going do that or something oh okay all right okay those are always like the she's like like the the like the 40 50 year old women they're the ones who do that like sexually yeah yeah very aggressive like hitting on yeah and i was like dude i was doing uh i chinned in jokes on thursday yeah uh it was a great one of the best ones we've had but in the front row i was just doing crowd work and i pointed this guy

i was like hey man how was your week blah blah you know right i was like how was your week he's like it was bad and i was like oh what happened man like something at work and he's like ah someone in my family died this week and the whole audience was like yeah and there's just nothing you can do to make that better that's funny because i basically had the same thing happen the night before in arlington at ragtime we had a i think at the when the show started there was like maybe 15 16 people and so i'm starting the show doing the same thing of like there's not a lot of people there so you got to talk to the crowd so one table is like it's like so what brings you guys here it's like kind of older like oh we used to come to the show but

we haven't been in a while and i'm like all right well took your sweet ass time thanks for coming you know just like joking around but now that i know what's coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, so they were cool. And then there was a couple in the middle. Oh, okay. I thought they were. So I moved on to the next table. And it was a couple, maybe in like their 40s. And I was like, oh, thank you guys for coming out.

Have you guys been in the show before? They're like, no. I'm like, oh, well, what brings you to the show? And the guy's like, we're actually in town to bury my father in Arlington. Oh, my God. I was like, oh, what brings you to the show? And the guy's like, we're actually in town to bury my father in Arlington. Oh, my God. I was like, ah, shit. And then how did you play that off? I was like, what did I say?

I was like, oh, really stepped in it here. This is not a good sign for the rest of the crowd. So that got a reaction. Then I was like, I'm just going to get worse as it goes around the room. Like, sir, why are you here? And they're like, oh, I have cancer, so I just wanted to have fun i'm like okay and you was that guy laughing yeah and they ended up being the best audience members so then i uh i do that my show not like dude they were great because then i made like a little bit of a pun and i was like all right i gotta stop this i'm kind of digging

a hole here and then i was like oh shit i shouldn't have said digging a hole you know what let's move on like that got a reaction and then uh that's so good when i went to bring up one of the comics is are you guys in a good mood you guys having fun and that couple the woman she was like yeah and they were clapping the rest of the crowd didn't do anything and i was like fuck you arlington like these people are literally here for a funeral and they're having the most fun and you guys are like my yoga cat class is canceled i'm in a bad mood like come the foot so then i got like a yeah that's cool that's cool they were awesome that's great they were like seriously like two of the coolest i couldn't tell the dude in my at my show was uh

having a good time he well that did not look probably worse so when you get buried in arlington so i was talking to andy klein it, because it's a military funeral. To do that, there's like three to five month wait. So like somebody can die and then you don't have the funeral for a long. So I think he's like, they kind of processed it. But he was in the front row. It's just like, yo, say something else.

Just don't. He was honest with you. You asked. I know, but also, the way I did play it off was like, dude, you should have saw the look in that guy's face. Like he was right. He's like, oh, I'm going to fuck your night out, dude.

That's pretty good. Yeah. And then I fucked myself later because I had this joke about this girl that I was counseling and somebody died. And she was like, Mr. Conn, I just feel like God takes all these people from me. What's like the point of living if you just die?-huh and uh what so when i was setting up that joke i was like yeah so when you know you were like hey are you going to emo night on friday yeah

i was like yeah yeah you guys should hang out and then the crowd did not like that it was a dumb move on my part yeah i should have fucking known and were you bringing up another comic when you know i was in the middle that's always the worst when you like riff something oh yeah anyway let's get the energy back up for your next performer yeah there's a couple of hosts that do that every anyway um yeah it was good judah judah did a bunch of crowd work it was so sweet uh the first show the early show um a fucking like high school senior was there with his fucking dad it was so nice what like they just like judah from like yeah rocking stuff and they're just his dad was just i guess it was like hey let's go do this that's awesome yeah yeah it was it was so and he was the whole show was

crowd work and judah was just like talking about what he wants to do and stuff. And just ragging on him. And the kid loved it. Like he thought... To be a part of the show. Yeah. It was so cool. It's so cool to see like young people like that young.

Get into it. Yeah. Because it's so rare. I feel... I think. I don't know. No, I think it's awesome. I don't think I went to shows when I was 18 or 17 with my parents.

No, definitely not a comedy. Like that's a fucking cool dad oh yeah definitely not a comedy show like yeah maybe like a music show even then they're like i'm gonna wait in the car or something you know like i felt bad there's like three women who want who didn't buy tickets ahead of time for the early show and they came in and i know them a little bit and i know that one is very self-conscious about like like talking in public and being like picked on by comedians right but there's only three seats in the front that were empty and they were and i forced them to sit there like when i was on stage and then judah just tore them apart two of them he fucking was pretty he was very um he was pretty like mean he's good at that too like low-key good at it like oh yeah basically just like repeats what people say yeah and like

with like a questioning tone he's like so you want to blah blah blah one guy he was like what's your name and he's like my name is zach and he was like no what's your adult name see that's what i mean he asked he asked them a question it's like it's so funny so loaded and he's like sit up straight he's like you know what just leave you're you're uh bringing the show down it was so funny like you every show he pointed out one person was like you're the weakest audience member of the show amazing and like the crowd was like oh my god yeah his whole like persona on stage is can be pretty brutal i mean super funny but yeah he is a i don't want to waste it but his bit he has this bit about like uh if you're going to see a therapist because you're molested when you're younger don't

accidentally book a physical therapist which is so good jesus however he set it up he did it better right so good i know and yeah he had he it was so fun dude oh nice the second show was way better even though it was like it was weird it looked just as full but there's at least 30 less people at the second show because it was late on a Sunday, right? Yeah, very late. Yeah. It was like 9.30 start. Yeah, I wanted to come through.

It was way too late. Yeah, I was at the improv and then driving back. Yeah. Even that, just because I'd have to leave. I'd have to leave like two hours early and then to beat traffic and all that stuff. Wait, you were at the draft house? No, no, no. The improv.

Oh, improv. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah damn yeah yeah yeah yeah that's crazy i oh i have to start going back to dc man i need to start building new material yeah same i heard tom segura has a new hour almost well yeah it's december that's crazy i believe it but yeah that's also like that's all i do it's his job you know god that's, I wish you could write that fast. Can you imagine? And then Netflix wants it.

Yeah. They want it. Like you know, yeah. Fuck. Like, yeah, no, this is going somewhere. And they're going to pay me. I couldn't imagine writing that quick. And he's crushing it on the road.

I mean, like people want to see you. Fuck. I know. I barely have like seven minutes right now. Yeah. I recorded in, I don't know. I forget February.

It's not that bad, I guess. No, it's not bad. I mean, you know, it's a part of it too. Like I think we all get on hot streaks too.

If you're like, Oh, this shit's really gelling right now. And then we also go through periods of like, everything sucks. I don't have anything. And then like, yeah,

I think I'm in that period where I'm just like, fuck. Yeah. Tim Dillon, like almost convinced me to quit comedy last week dude it was brutal not surprised but he was like we went out to lunch and i don't think he was being mean i think he was just being honest honest like he was like he's like umar let me ask you this he's like he was like because we know where you're not moving to New York. You might say it. I know you're not. You know you're not. And I'm like, yeah, you're right.

And then. Just with his voice. You're not. Yeah, I'm moving. You're not. Yeah. You know, you might say it. Yeah.

But you're not going to. So then, you know, and he is really nice. He was taking me out to lunch. I loved him, man. Yeah, the night that we all hung out here in the living room. So fun. One of the funnest nights. Dude. So here's what ann coulter said when she was drunk yeah yeah this is great oh i gotta i'll tell you some stuff he told me off air i can't tell it on the mics but

uh he was like so we were sitting at lunch and he's like don't tell anybody but i think he's like all right he's like all right maybe you should here let me ask you this question if you answer right then it'll let me know if you should move to New York or not. And I was like, okay. He's like, let's say someone gave you all the like gave you the money, all the money to do what you wanted to do. What would you do? And I was like, I just want to do stand up.

He's like, don't move. He was like, there's no money in stand up. No one gives a shit about stand up. He was like, my agent manager manager i'm not here this weekend because of them like whatever money i'm making like that's not anything to them you know like oh yeah and i'm just like fuck and yeah he's getting like a few thousand bucks yeah then we were driving around you know where the club where he's performing in the burbs of maryland and he's just like god this is just like what did he call it he called it graceless hell oh my god it was and he's right

he's like dude this isn't a this isn't a town this is a rest stop yeah and i was like oh isn't this what the suburbs are he's like no dude suburbs can be nice and i was like oh yeah this is he's like you never he's like you never lived anywhere else i was like no he's like umar all right this is what you got you got move out to like the west coast suburbs move somewhere else like you don't want to be here yeah you got a quick con and he's like this is your two-year plan oh my god he's like you're gonna quit comedy in two years okay when next time i see you i want to see you mayor getting married on a beach with a hot chick not doing comedy someone sends you a message like hey i want to get booked and how great is it gonna be to respond like oh yeah i don't do that show anymore yeah and uh and so um yeah he was making

a lot of sense and it bummed me out i was just like fuck i should quit yeah i mean like he was like dude here's the thing like he was like this is comedy right now like i'm on the road i stay in this hotel like i'm gonna go see baltimore what am i gonna see in baltimore you know it's like i'm from new york city yeah like you're gonna take me somewhere that is cooler than that in baltimore i was like yeah you're right dude baltimore seems so quaint if you ever go to like a real city like when we were in chicago it's like oh like baltimore could fit in just like a tiny little neighborhood of chicago dc yesterday yeah and it's just like oh yeah this is a real city i love baltimore yeah but i had that i had that thought once when i was i was walking to a mic and then i saw a a bus full of people and i was like oh this is like a real

city yeah where there's people everywhere commuting people have jobs they're going to like a cool show or there's like restaurants and all kinds of shit and bars and culture and museums. And Baltimore is great for what it is, but it just can't compete with D.C. No way. It's just not big enough, just not enough happening. We don't know. What is happening is cool. Like there's definitely like great parts of Baltimore and like fun shit to do.

I just think it's funny how people have to pretend like Baltimore is cooler and the best city. Look at this magazine we've never heard of. They said Hamden is one of the coolest neighborhoods. It's like, who gives a fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's, yeah, it's like, I remember seeing a Yahoo article. It was like, Hamden is like a little slice of Brooklyn. Like some writer from the New York Times.

It's like, wow, this is just like Brooklyn. It's like, you know what else is like Brooklyn? Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah yeah they already have brooklyn yeah you know what's also cooler than brooklyn oakland austin right right those cities oakland is amazing yeah i want to i want to go out there the weather's beautiful the people are beautiful yeah but you don't like it like an overcast day like today that's your shit no this is what oakland's like most of the time overcast yeah and it's like cool and oh the best like today i'm gonna go running right now in the rain yeah it's gonna be great yeah i started uh i started running again on uh thursday oh yeah i texted you because we were texting back your shirt was off yeah you're like

look at this shit and i was like bro i'm a white guy jogging with my shirt off i got ear pods and i can't worry about this shit that's funny because just that day someone was some said something about like making fun of people running with their shirts off i think it was pete bergen oh really yeah because he posted something he's like he wrote like not all of you have to run with your shirt off which is a good point but i just commented i was like hey bro don't tread on me bro yeah yeah um wait where were we talking we were talking about oh comedy and all that stuff comedy but so uh oh and he told me to quit so his two-year plan for me was he's like dude like you like it now he's like this is your problem you're half in you're half out like yeah and like we were naming like certain people he's like why do you

even know this person exists umar you shouldn't even know that person's name you know what i mean it's just like a fucking guy who's like a little bit above open mic in new york city still but i would take umbrage with that because like if you had whatever hob like because it's a hobby for us essentially like you and i were more into it than a hobby but if we were into like model planes and there was some guy that was really good at making model planes right like holy shit have you seen jeff yeah so i think his thing is and i think i was bringing it up he was like but he's like dude all that's gonna happen is like you're gonna watch people get famous and you're gonna be resentful yeah maybe like i mean like with the heart of the city thing like you know yeah that shit sucked really it didn't bother me at all really no i think it bothers me it didn't bother me because i was like good for them no i'm happy for the people who got

it but yeah to not be invited feels a little weird but also at the same time weems is he on it yo you know what i mean that's a huge should we be talking about this on mic? Yeah. I would go on record saying that Weem should be doing a part of the city audition. Yeah. But yes, he should definitely be there. And I get it. I get that like, you know, show business, there's no one owes you anything. There's nothing fair about it. But when stuff like that happens, you're just like, fuck, you know, you're just like, what

am I doing for eight years? You don't get recognition in your own fucking small ass town but you do but see that's the same time like you're ignoring other stuff yeah like true you know it's it's the classic like i got to this yeah i want the next thing now because you know if somebody was like well would you rather have like the most popular monthly comedy show in baltimore or would you like to do an audition for something and be like yeah i'd rather have that right you get that show and then you're like all right well what's the next thing right right and then yeah so it's so i'd look at it as like you know oh shit it's really yeah oh oh dang it is raining pretty damn i'm gonna run all right anyway keep going um yeah

so i just think that other stuff's gonna pop up that we don't even know about like heart of the city didn't exist two years ago. There's going to be another form of heart of the city and all kinds of stuff's going to pop up. Yeah. Like, you know, like we get to do like enough cool stuff where. No. And that's totally. Yeah, you're right.

I think it's, you know, it's just like this feeling that obviously you don't want to have, but you have it. And I think if people people a lot of people might not admit it but it's just there like it's you feel like fuck like but then that's the thing everyone feels that they put in the work everyone feels like do respect that they yeah that they are they're they earn something right and that they they're good enough for it. So it's just going to always be that way. Yeah, exactly. So I just look at it as like, I don't know,

there's another thing that's going to pop up. Like Dylan Meyer is doing a show called Up Next or something like that, an audition for Comedy Central. No, I think they're auditioning for a festival. Oh, okay, or whatever it is. But still, it's like, I didn't even know that existed. He got it. That's great. Well-deserved, yeah. Yeah, and that shit's going to happen where it's like i didn't even know that existed he got it that's great well deserved yeah yeah and that shit's gonna happen where it's like a show's gonna pop up or whatever it is or like like you know didn't even know podcasting was gonna exist

so you don't know what the fuck's gonna happen and there's enough good stuff like you have a special coming out you have a great show like yeah you're you're good yeah no i know it's just but uh so his plan for me yeah let's hear you know it's also funny i had a really bad day at work hold on yeah you did well hold on the listener at home must be going nuts because you're like so my two-year plan i'm like yeah but anyway so let's just say that two-year plan is uh listen that's all the time i book a tour like a summer tour like and not like a real just like you hit whatever showcases open mics around the country yeah yeah and tim's like one day you're

gonna you're gonna wake up in a hotel next to some chick you don't know you're gonna be like fuck this life i don't want this you get to be too old for it yeah and that's what he was saying he was like you don't want to be it's not cute you don't want to be hanging out in a bar with 27 year olds when you're like but some people do it and i don't think they're losers or anything i mean it's definitely a choice that's like what doug benson does and he's in his 50s like he's the weed guy you know benson makes a lot of fucking money i'm sure he does but it's like that's a weird existence it is a weird existence dude it's weird yeah so weird and then another thing like tim dillon and i were talking about was like all these woke fucking comics, you know.

It's like you're not actually doing anything good in the world. He's like, he's like Umar. Like he's like all day I spend writing scripts, pitching pilots, trying to get meetings, auditions. Yeah. And then I do three spots a night. Where's your time to be a good person in between? You know what I mean? God, I wish I could have hung out because i was in chicago yeah yeah he was like where am i doing good in between all that and i'm like you're so right but then like all these fucking comics on yeah like i mean

they're gonna go away it's a fucking fad that whole type of comedy is a fad yeah um yeah and oh god just if people no one's gonna get this deep into the podcast i would actually be offended at that yeah i hope so and that's you know it's like but yeah it's reinforced because audiences are like come comics should be saying this and comics are like oh audiences are looking for it right like it's you know and the kind of people who do that end up being like aziz who are fucking phonies yeah exactly yeah exactly so what's the two-year plan so you do your tour book a tour you get sick of comedy you did it you've you can say you did it yeah and you just quit yeah i i think uh i don't know i feel like i kind of if especially

if i stay here like i can easily see us just becoming bigger fish in a tiny pond. Like I'd be cool with that if they're like, you know, I mean, I make consistent money now, so that's cool. Yeah. But I mean,

but I mean being like, being like, Hey, do you want to feature this weekend? Be like, great. And then, so you book that and then the month leading up to it,

you start like hitting mics and shit like that. And I don't know. Cause eventually it does get sad. I think if you're like, I do too. If you're like 36 years old and you're like, oh, can I get on your open mic?

I know. But maybe it's not sad. I don't know if you actually... Well, what would you be doing if you weren't doing that, I guess? I don't know what I'd be doing. Music stuff? Yeah.

But then does that get sad too? Like, my band's playing. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Or is it sad just to go home and watch TV and go to bed? And do nothing, yeah. That sounds sad too. I don't know i don't know or is it sad just to go home and watch tv and go to bed nothing yeah that sounds sad too i don't know yeah i like that shit i don't know yeah i think for me is like what

people expect of you i don't like when people say things to me like like after i shot my recording like yeah and i think people obviously like would never care but when they say things like oh man like you're gonna like yeah you know we're gonna see you blah blah blah and you're like dude no you're not like oh yeah this isn't going anywhere yeah there's no hbo on snl there's no netflix is there's no tv and then like and then it's just and then so that's another thing like tim was saying he was like uh you know i was like you know it'd just be cool to get like it would be he's like umar like all these i have comics say stuff to me like i'm gonna do conan then i'm gonna quit it's like why dude that's worse than not

getting it he's like it's like because then now you're the person you go to thanksgiving like hey you were on conan what are you doing now and you're just like nothing nothing i quit dude i was on a show with a guy who has a comedy center special and a fucking conan spot and is a dog walker in new york city yeah yeah that's that's a crazy life there's no guarantees here no even if you are really good it doesn't mean that the netflix is or they're coming yeah and you might not fit in a demo you're gonna be struggling to sell tickets even though you are super funny but now there's like the young like 20 year old guy that's like good at social media and people know him yeah but you are like 50 years old and you're like a total technician me benji and dylan two other dc comics who will be at uh gin and jokes uh uh may 3rd

yeah yeah yeah and they're bringing their time machine roast oh i'm opening joe squared sweet hell yeah i'm doing i think i'm on it i'm not sure i'm gonna do like 10 minutes to open the doors that's all i'm doing the warm-up act nice yeah man uh and yeah we were just all texting about it like how like it just sucks so much that like i mean they're i think they're cooler with it like dylan's like i'd much rather be doing this than anything else and that is true like i wouldn't have anything else if i wasn't doing this i think it'd be different too if we were things are going well you know like yeah getting booked doing shows don't you feel like you played it too safe i feel like i played it safe i hate it oh really i don't know if i hate it because maybe i would hate life more if i was

gonna say in this stage of my life, but with no job. That's a grass is greener type thing. I think you're right. Yeah. If I'm like, man, I'm working the road. Fuck. How do I get a 401k? Yeah.

Can I do that? That's the thing. You see comics that we've started with and they'll get small spots on TV shows that we watch or that are very popular. Yeah. And you're just like, fuck. It's like, dude, he's not making money. Yeah. Yeah.

And money is not, it doesn't, there's a certain level of money you need to be happy. Sure. Like that's just a statistic. Yeah. Yeah. It's like 70 grand or something like that. No, it's less than that. Is it?

Yeah. I thought it was like 70 grand a year or something. No, it's less than that. Is it? Yeah. I thought it was like 70 grand a year or something. No, I think it... There's no difference in happiness. Maybe it was there's no difference in happiness after that. That's what it was, yeah. So, yeah, there's a certain level where after that there is... Yeah.

Is it called diminishing return? It doesn't matter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, you got it. Yes.

Yeah. And you just think like, I was like, fuck, I stayed in Baltimore. I got a master's degree, which is cool, but maybe I played it too safe. It's just like this dream you have is like, oh, no, this is officially a hobby, and that's sad. Yeah, but there's, again, like, but if it's going well, like if you went and bombed every time you performed, it'd be like, yeah, that's sad. But you don't, like you're doing well. And I don't know, maybe it's going well, like if you went and bombed every time you performed, it'd be like, yeah, that's sad. But you don't. Like you're doing well. And I don't know.

Maybe it's so funny. We started out by saying like, let's not talk about comedy. But this is different. I think we're not talking about, this might be something other people can relate to, I guess. We're not talking about like actually doing shows. Right. The intricacies of being on stage.

Right. Right. But I don't know man i uh two people realizing that they've peaked yep yeah it's all fading but no like shit's good like uh going back to tim when we were all hanging out like he was just like well he's like you don't have to move like you you have a house yeah you have a good job like that's like that's the goal of comedy it's like i want to make enough money to where i'm okay yeah we're already okay yeah that's true like you've kind of already done it but just not on the trajectory that you wanted to do like i wanted to make all

my money from doing my makeup ups you know yeah it was so funny like me benji and dylan at text we were like having the same exact conversation and benji's like yeah he texted cut to us six years from now all performing at uh the underground comedy festival still yeah and like totally i will uh yeah i will because they're good shows they're fun so i don't know i think it's gonna be i think there's a way to do it like like in andy klein who's a little older weems and they crush and it's like weems that's his living yeah it's unbelievable but i mean it's a hustle for ramin it's not and he's i mean he's a fucking he's one of the best i think he's one of the best comics i've ever seen yeah he's so good i mean so i think there's a way to that makes it worse it does it i don't know like fuck that dude is so

good but he never went and tried so also yeah but i think you're looking at it from a comparison standpoint yeah like it sucks that he's not on tv but for him it's like yeah do you know what's funny the same way that me and you are having this conversation is like the same way like school psychologists talk about school psychology really yeah like uh they want the recognition they want the accolades and they they really see yeah i for it it's that's it so it's everything and again that's the thing so their passion like their version of tim who's like i don't know working at like yale or something it's like why do you even know this research intern yeah yeah because that's

your shit everybody has their shit that they're imagine that school's like taking them out to lunch all right this is your two-year plan to get out of school psychology yeah you're gonna put out a book you're gonna tour it you're gonna wake up in a hotel next to some young co-ed you're gonna hate your life yeah yeah i i mean fuck it man i'm i'm pretty content where i am like i think i think maybe it's good and then you know they can always like take a trip to la take a trip to new york yeah you have your comedy well it was we went to chicago i did stand up in chicago it's fun i need it i fucking need it as like a release i think i need it it's really fun i think some like right now i'm just kind of bummed about it all really yeah like i was gonna book a bunch of shows and judo was very willing to help

me book a bunch of shows for spring break i could have done a couple other friend shows yeah that are good yeah and i was just like what's the fucking point dude i'm gonna go there i'm gonna do even if i do well no one gives a fuck everyone else crushes yeah no one gives a fuck yeah and then like i'm gonna be sleeping on someone's couch or floor mattress and i don't want to do that i want to sleep in my own bed take a shower i want to shower in my house i want to drink my own fucking coffee make breakfast yeah i don't want to spend money all day eating out and then being tired there is a depressing part where you open up netflix and it's like the new special from jack dean and you're like who is it some like white guy from england or something you're like i mean what he achieved is great and i'm sure he's awesome but

i don't give a shit and if that's how i feel like imagine how everybody else feels they're just inundated with that stuff where it's like so the fact that netflix has to release 15 minute specials because people don't even want to watch people don't pay attention specials yeah that's literally why they did it they saw the algorithm like netflix can see when people stop paying attention so like hey here's a half hour everybody's like yeah it's gotta it's crazy and then it's gonna get down to like five minutes and stuff comedy central's literally dying they're barely holding on yeah i mean netflix kind of took everything from them so no they very much are like yeah they took dude netflix is taking writers from networks it's sure sure yeah so anyway um you know let's try to

get on netflix yeah um yeah man i don't know i'm i'm kind of out of spot and i guess maybe i'm like just i don't know coming from doing like the dc improv so i'm still like a little high of that i'm like you know it's all good man you get shit here and there but if i was going through a dry spot like you're right man fucking burn it all down yeah i mean i just got booked on some cool shows but i don't have the material that i'm excited for and i don't want to yeah i have to go back and revisit old stuff yeah i'm doing the newer old stuff that I, I mean, I wrote a new 10 minutes essentially in February for the, for the special, which is great.

But now it's just like, what's the point? I can't, I don't want to do it too much. Yeah. It's just a part of it. Yeah. It's a part of it.

So I think we talk about that all the time too. Just like go write more. And that's the thing. What's the note that sucks too, is you're never doing everything you could be doing. Never. Always. There's always something to be doing. You listen to Ralphie May and that's the thing with stand-up that sucks too is you're never doing everything you could be doing never always there's always something to be doing you listen to ralphie may and he's like think about the first time you ever did stand-up you went up on stage with a new five minutes you should be doing that every week yeah i'm like god damn it's kind of true man the year uh i didn't do 50 first jokes this year but the year before that yeah it was great like it

kind of so what you have to do for that show is you perform new material like up to two minutes of new material you can have performed it before but it has to be in the new year so the show is like january like i don't know eighth or whatever but uh so yeah i was like oh shit that show's coming up so like that monday i like worked on a bit didn't go great and then kind of refined it through the week and then by the time it was like thursday the bit was great yeah and i was like oh i should do this all that yeah dude we could be doing it every week every week you could be we could go to dc even in baltimore you could hit two mics a night and work on the same bit and if

you bomb it's like you're kind of supposed to if it's new yeah like and then be and then the work comes in of like refining it so yeah that's where it gets yeah it's fucking stupid dude i'm in that boat right now like where yeah yeah but it's fine it's uh yeah but oh and for people who don't know what heart of the city is it's a comedy central show or kevin hart and for people listening it's not bothering umar it's not no i was gonna say you guys should go to the auditions and it's a cool thing for baltimore oh it's fun bothering Umar. It's not. No, I was going to say you guys should go to the auditions. And it's a cool thing for Baltimore. Oh, it's fucking great. And there's a lot of people, you know, that it's well-deserved.

And they hope that, you know, it brings them some, you know, like attention. Yeah. So go. It's going to be at Motor House. I forgot when, but there's two audition nights or three. Yeah, just Google it. Google it. Heart of the City, Baltimore. A bunch of good people are on yeah so support them yeah man so yeah it's yeah it's weird i've been thinking about that stuff too because i'm like i'm gonna be 32

this year yeah all right i'll see you later i'm gonna go hit an open mic yeah i'm turning 30 in august yeah yeah and it's just like fuck? Well, luckily we look so good. Hell yeah, dude. We're timeless. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Only when people ask how old I am, that's when I get sad. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I feel young. Yeah. But, you know, you're just like, I spent eight years doing comedy and like very heavily doing comedy. And I'm just like, what? Yeah. What have i done if you had no hobbies though like it'd be terrible i don't know what people do when if they don't

have something like music or comedy or art some type of outlet yeah what do you do people chime in send us emails what the fuck do you do what do you boring ass people do no people have their shit man but and again like with it being a hobby like one of the best parts i think of comedy and it's gonna sound like really cheesy it's like the hangs yeah that's the best like meeting people that are super funny and like having a text thread of that type of shit or like i've never had in the back of a room right talking shit and busting balls never had much i'll never have as much fun at a show than it it's like if you're at an open mic yeah or to showcase with a bunch of friends that you like because when you work clubs it can be fun

but a lot of times it just feels like you're at a job you know yeah yeah so with the improv moddy uh litwack had to fill in on saturday as the feature yeah because sarong was double booked so so it's like oh i get to hang out with moddy and then like lafayette uh came through to hang out in the green room did he do his uh uh the like moth situation joke no oh yeah no holy shit dude he did that joke at joe squared oh my god it's so really he was crushing 10 minute bit it's i don't know it's so good it starts he builds and builds and builds and it's fucking amazing body's really good like especially little stuff like his his timing is great and then like look like when he looks at the audience and stuff it's really good man so he starts out by like have you guys heard about the moth situation? And it turns out it's just it's the moth situation.

It's all these moths in his kitchen. And like and then so like he was doing the joke and this girl like four minutes into the joke. The whole time he's on stage is just this one bit. Yeah. And she sits back down in her front in the front row and he just turns her. He's like, have you heard about the moth situation? And the crowd went nuts. It was so funny.

That's so good, man. Yeah, dude. Yeah, his timing. Oh, it's great. So when he starts, he's like, I guess we'll, because he's kind of low energy. Yeah, very low. We'll start with my face, I guess. People say I look Jewish and that's okay.

I have friends that are Jewish. I am Jewish. That's great. People say I look Jewish. It's like, I am Jewish. Great. So good. That's great.

So good, man. All right. Well, this was a good catch-up sesh. How much did we do? Four hours. Damn. For real? How long?

Over an hour. Damn. Yeah, this is good. Hour 10? Yeah. I started out thinking it was going to be rough, but I think it went smooth. Yeah. We real. How long? Over an hour. Damn. Yeah, this is good. Hour 10. I started out thinking I was like it's going to be rough, but I think it went smooth. Yeah, we talked a lot about calm

a lot, but it was I don't think we were talking about like yeah, just now I was going to get into the part that probably is annoying to people so I won't. Okay, but yeah, we got to wrap up anyway. I got to go plugs got to go down to DC to play rock and roll rock and roll.

Oh, that's crazy. Rock and roll. As a 31-year-old man driving to D.C. to play a rock and roll show at 430. Plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs. Let's see here. I know. All right. I got speechless on the 26th in D.C. at the D.C. Draft House in May.

I'll be headlining the second Saturday shit show on May 12th. And then the end of May, what is that, Memorial Day weekend? Is that the first? I always mix up Labor Day and Memorial Day. I think it's Memorial. Memorial's when the pools open. Labor Day's when the pools close. Okay.

So, yeah, Memorial Day weekend, I'll be at mcgoobies and i'll be uh cool who's if i'm featuring for rami and mostafavi hell yeah yeah i'll come watch that shit yeah i want to see if he can like come by one day like come by early and we can like barbecue outside let's do a pod with him oh absolutely absolutely so yeah i'll be featuring cool that's his's his first headlining weekend at a club. What? Yeah, I'm excited for it. I thought he said like the improv, not the whole weekend, though. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So that'll be that. Oh, and I'm going to try to open up for Shane Torres if I can this month. So where? Keep you posted on that. DC Draft House. Nice.

He's not bringing anybody. I have gin and jokes every first thursday hell yeah the second thursday may 10th uh the hot no it's time machine roast it's a dc show where people uh dress up as um people from history and they roast each other you You can have Thomas Edison roasting Nelson Mandela. They don't necessarily have to exist at the same time. So it's kind of fun to have these archetypal characters shitting on each other. Yeah. I don't remember what other shows I'm doing.

I don't remember. I have other stuff. When's the special coming out? I don't know. Okay. I have to wait for Sherwin to edit it. I told him I would like a May release. Nice.

Or no, sorry, early June. Okay. Yeah. He has to send it off to get color corrected. That's exciting. And mastered and mixed. That's exciting. Yeah.

I don't know how I want to do it yet. I think I'm just going to put it on amazon and sell it myself because i think you can do both and amazon you're calling for free and you get paid via views oh excellent excellent yes i know vimeo does some stuff like that too yeah and then there might be also uh there's like some record company judah told me to you check out so we'll see that would be sick like gorilla records or something. Hell yeah. That they've been putting out a bunch of comics, albums.

Yeah. See, that would be fucking great. Yeah. So I'll see if you can help me out. You can also put it out yourself too with the audio and stuff. Yeah. I might do that and just do download codes because no one wants to buy CDs or DVDs. Or you can get it on like Spotify.

I'll tell you. Oh, okay. Cool, cool. That'd be dope. Yeah, man. So yeah. It's's kind of up and down podcast yeah it's good or it's yeah yeah but uh no man you got a bunch of stuff happening so shit's shit's all right yeah you know yeah also i think i want to play a show like a music i think me and miles are gonna oh well let's let's get kevin uh tits band up here let's do uh comedians playing music show like i love that me you because we're gonna do like a gimmick band

we're gonna do like a gimmick yeah surf punk rock but i think me you and kevin should all do stand up yeah and then we'll do an intermission and then the bands will play i'm into it that would be that'd be yeah and then we can make like a benefit show or something too so let's do it completely stroking our egos yeah watch us do comedy watch us play music um yeah we gotta do that and then we also need to book a live live podcast yeah let's do that so maybe we can schedule that around your uh album release so it'll be like a party be like yeah so get people out for that and then maybe do an august or july okay right if the or late june what do you think for your release i think do june june yeah all right tighten up these

songs so i've never played a show i don't know if i can get together we just need to write like five songs you can do it i'll play bass all right cool let's do it yeah yeah yeah let's do it cool all right uh yeah we're gonna talk more logistics off the pot david kechner take us out bye digression sessions coming to an end Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah