The Digression Sessions - Ep. 250 - Balto Boys!

Episode Date: April 30, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with their comedian buddy Andres Mallipudi.  This is another group hang pod and we ask Andres about becoming a doctor and growing up in Alaska. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. This is a podcast. Welcome. This is how you do it, everybody. This is how you podcast. Josh Koderna here. My good friend Umar Khan. We're in his palatial estate.

His roommate, Eric Glazer, is cooking bacon. He has a pink hat on. And we got somebody else at the table. Yeah. Hello. That's right. That's the voice of Elijah. Elijah. Yeah, we leave an open chair for him all the time, as we do in the Jewish faith. And he finally showed up.

What's up, Elijah? It's great to be here. It feels very Jewish in here, I guess. Whoa, hey, you would know better than us. I don't know. You can say that, Elijah. And for those listening, like the religion, it is Elijah Wood, actually. You leave the chair open for Elijah Wood. I was thinking Elijah Cummings, the former senator, or current former. Oh, you guys were both thinking you'd high road me on that one? That's fine.

That's fine. That's fine. No, he's still in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. He's in the house, dog. He's in the house. But no, Andres, so you came by because you wanted to see how we podcast.

Yes, I do. And I was like, fuck it. Just get him on the podcast. He's in the mix. Surprise podcast. He's a local bad boy comedian. Bad boy. You're about to start your medical residency at...

Let's keep institution names out of it. In New York City. In New York City. There you go. Yeah. You're about to start with ISIS. He's like, we don't need institutional names. All right?

All right? We don't have to name the institution. Just glue it to the bottom of your... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's another thing. There you go. So, yeah, you... You got to tell your guests that.

Good tutorial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just glue it right there. That's what Joe Mattarese says. And it works for us, too. All right, so starting a medical residency. Yeah, emergency medicine in New York. What does emergency medicine mean?

I mean, anytime you go to the emergency department, you see an emergency medicine doctor. So they just kind of rule that way. I think 50% of medical visits go through the ED. If you want to get into the hospital, you pretty much have to go through the emergency department. Is it ED now and not ER anymore? It's kind of weird that everybody has to have erectile dysfunction

just to get in there. That's fucked up. Yeah, that is weird. I think that's why people say, like they go long form and say emergency departments because of ED, because of erectile dysfunction.

Yeah, bad connotation there. Yeah. Dang. Nice, man. So you're going to be a doctor, huh? Yeah. Damn. Four more years?

Four more years. And then is there any specializing or are you good to go? Yeah, they have a couple, but I don't know if I'm going to do those right off the bat at least. Damn. I think you go into like critical care medicine, which sounds, I don a couple, but I don't know if I'm going to do those right off the bat at least. Damn. You can go into critical care medicine, which sounds...

I don't know. I'd rather just hang out in the ED. Yeah. And you do a joke on stage where you ask people how much debt they have because you think you always have more than them. I'm always disappointed when people who go to school for clinical psychology, like several people have said they have almost $ psychology, like several people have said they have almost $400,000 a day.

Dude, I almost, so I wanted to be a clinical psychologist. I wanted to go to a PhD program and I applied and interviewed, didn't get in and thank God, it's the worst PhD you can get and you're in school for so long and there are no jobs

and you get into so much debt. It's unreal. They call it a pretty hard doctor it's actually harder to get into the medical school a clinical psych program because it's so because everyone majors in psychology because it's just like a fallback major for people like i don't know what i want to do yeah it's pretty wide open it's why it's easy yeah it's like a it's a 30 credit uh degree and it's not hard yeah it's kind of why i was a history major yeah i took a few history classes like this is interesting and then i have enough

that i can probably get a degree soon so i'll just do that yeah that's the psychology departments are always the biggest departments on on every campus so how do they because it's like a clinic it's kind of a clinical degree but it's also like you have to pay a crazy amount of money for it. I don't understand how they're expecting people to pay off their debt. Some people are dumb and they'll do like a...

He asked you a question. Yeah. No, there's a difference. You can go to a PhD or a PsyD, and PsyDs are expensive and there's no help for PsyDs. A PhD, if you're smart, you will get paid to do it. Damn. That makes more sense. PsyD even sounds like PsyDs are expensive, and there's no help for PsyDs. A PhD, if you're smart, you will get paid to do it.

Damn. That makes more sense. PsyD even sounds like side chick. Yeah. You don't want to focus on the real thing. You get like a side chick degree. Hey, girl, I got a nice PsyD over here for you. Oh, shit.

Don't tell my PhD I'm going to my PsyD. Damn. Yeah, so a lot of them, it's like through like, I don't know, sometimes like private colleges and stuff. And PsyD is more clinical, andd is clinical and research okay yeah i feel like for research you should get money like there's more money you do grants and stuff yeah i do but like fucking all the grant like i mean a lot like when i worked at kennedy krieger we got our grants to nih and like right after i left around like 2013 dude they lost a

fuck ton of grant money because there's a government's fucking bro yeah there's no money well yeah and trump wanted to slash like the cdc's budget which also gives out grants and stuff probably nih as well so you know yeah this is what your podcast normally is right it's talking about academia yeah it's very very highbrow we are getting deep into academia yeah speaking of getting deep in stuff pussy oh right guys who's fucked i went to the farmer's market this morning and speaking of pussy hey speaking of uh yeah and um the week before i ran into this this couple and they're like uh they're like oh oh, you're a comedian. My buddy, Ari, who works at a stand, was like, hey, you should come to his show.

And I don't know. Somehow a podcast came up, and she's like, yeah, he has a podcast. You should listen to it. And the girl listened to it. And you could just tell she didn't like it. You could just tell. She's like, yeah, I listened to it. And I was like, okay, cool.

And then, like, and I can't remember. Another satisfied customer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, you should start and another satisfied yeah yeah and i was like yeah you should start with like the jessica hinken episode it's a good one you know it's not all dudes talking she's like yeah maybe i'll do that because you know like after i listened me and my brother were like yeah it's just dudes and i was like well what the fuck do you want like i mean yeah that pretty much is our podcast yeah i don't know i mean almost every podcast it really is but yeah i mean been doing this one for a long time and i wish that we came up with a hook to it because that's pretty much where it went like in the beginning podcasts were all like hey let's just record

ourselves bullshitting we can still make a hook you know we can still format it more you think so yeah i think so we should probably do like true crime you think yeah i don't know do you think there's a market for a true crime oh i don't i don't know i don't i you know maybe did you guys read about like how they caught the golden state killer no oh yeah that happened i don't even know who that is uh uh yeah so i wasn't too familiar with it either until pat noswalt brought it up that his wife was writing that book and uh yeah that pretty much helped catch him yeah yeah and what the so there's a big controversy now because they used a genealogy site where people would go it's like 23 and me oh and so it was one based in florida that wasn't one of the big ones uh-huh and so they just ran the no i'm good uh who might just

ask me if i want a coffee and i see you're gonna be a good podcast i'm glad you addressed that i didn't want to be like so they were in florida no i am good and uh they were um like listeners like what i don't fucking robot you have coffee i have coffee yeah i'm not a i'm not a caffeine in my hometown you're not a caffeine person so i went to brigham young university which is a did i ask you where you went this is how you need to learn to be a podcaster stay on topic florida let's go no i'm just kidding you went to learn to be a podcaster. Stay on topic. Florida. Let's go. No, I'm just kidding. You went to a Mormon university. I went to a Mormon school. We can talk about that later.

Yeah, I'm interested in that. True crime stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just got in the habit of not drinking coffee or caffeine. Interesting. I feel like you must have some really late nights, too, like doing residency. So I've been saving it for residency. Really?

Yeah. Like you're going to start dipping into caffeine, you think? Yeah, so I'm like caffeine naive now. So I did a show in D.C. on Thursday. I had to wake up early for class on Monday. really yeah like you're gonna start dipping into caffeine yeah so i'm like caffeine naive now like i uh so i did a show in dc on thursday and to wake up early for class on monday and so i only got a couple hours of sleep jesus firing on all cylinders gotta drink like a full couple damn it's like that andre's just doing blow and yeah gotta stay up gotta stay up anyway oh you got a bullet in your head? That sucks, dude.

Kicks open the door. I'm on all cylinders. He's like lining. Let's fix your ED. What are we doing? Anyway, the killer. Yeah, yeah. So the DNA.

They just submitted the DNA from the crime scene as a person. Like, hey, let's see if this hits any matches. That pretty smart i mean super smart but that's uh unethical yeah is it unethical it's not illegal and it's a this ethical gray zone right now but basically like if they tried to do that through the proper system in california to like scan for that they'd have to have probably like a warrant or like approved by a judge or something. Like there's definitely yeah, they definitely sidestepped a lot of red tape probably. Because they essentially just obtained DNA evidence from 100,000 people who

had no idea they were going to be searched against a possible killer. So then this killer just went to the site and wanted to like, where am I from? It was one of his relatives. So they tracked down one of his relatives because he has a very specific genetic. Because they had a hunch it was this dude. No, they just ran it against a database.

And they said he's probably from California in this region. So we're going to try to see if he's related to somebody. And they just were able to find out from there. So then they found the relative and then like. And it was a cop, right? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus, dude. Yeah.

And apparently he was. I think he was charged. I don't know if he was charged but basically there were i think rape charges brought up against him or something like that or like well apparently a ton now yeah there's a bunch but i mean at the time and like hundreds of people he raped well yeah so this is like every famous comedian pulling their genetic information off of his website. Like, oh, no. The killer is Louis C.K.? But no, he was a cop, and they're like, there's charges against you. He's like, well, you know what? I quit.

And they're like, all right, good enough. Get out of here. And didn't really look into it. Oh, my God. Yeah. He got fired from his job for shoplifting. I read up about it. Oh, god. He got fired from his job for shoplifting. I read up about it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was shoplifting some super

creepy shit too. It was like, it was dog repellent and like gloves. You know, just normal shit. You guys ever shoplift? I've never shoplifted. I've never shoplifted. I was such a pussy growing up. I allegedly

have from Target. Oh, yeah. You fucking allegedly. You put that shit underneath the car? Let me tell you. They put that there so you take stuff. I'm going to try this move. Well, be careful now.

I've allegedly shoplifted from mom's organic market. It was an accident. I was like, I'm not going back in. Fuck it. Well, it happened organically. Yeah. Thank you. Boom. Hey, we're back um but no target i noticed they put mirrors um in the uh not the aisle but at the register so like where where the register is to the right of it on the ground is a mirror i think so that the person working there can see the mirror and then

see the bottom of your cart but if no one says anything so i've worked in retail you can't accuse someone of shoplifting in the store you have to follow them outside right so i don't think they would be like hey you're shoplifting i think they'd be like oh did you want to put the dog food oh yeah oh my god oh shit jesus everybody's voice goes really high oh yeah oh geez it's all that deer park water oh my god i didn't even put that there it's just stuffed with tons of shit. And you have like one item in your actual car. You have like a full mattress under there. It's like, oh, my God.

I just have like coffee filters in my car. Oh, one pack of gum, please. Thank you. No, I've always been scared. I remember when I was young, dude. Remember starter baseball fitted hats were huge. Starter jackets. Is starter going to come back next?

Was it starter fitted hats or it was just fitted hats, right? Who did the fitted hats? I think starter hats. It was starter. I remember starter jackets for sure. Do they have those in Alaska where you grew up, Andres? Yeah, there was a Lids. Lids.

Oh, Lids. So this kid, this white trash kid in our neighborhood, like, everyone hated this kid. He was just like this, like, the definition of like, you can't say that word anymore. I really want to know the word you were going to use. The W word. The W word, yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

Like, you know, Limp Bizkit fans. Oh, cool people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He was so into Limp Bizkit and, like, Kid Rock and stuff, and he just, he was. Oh, yeah. He was so into Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock and stuff. And he was such a white trash dude. Oh. You got the word now? Yep.

I got it. Oh, I got it. And looking back on it, his family was garbage. And his dad beat the shit out of him. I can't keep trying to make it sound better and soften the blow. Anyway, his family was garbage. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, now I just have sympathy for you. Like, this kid sucked. That's what I'm saying. Like, we used to always just, like, you know what I mean? Oh, okay. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, like, looking back on it, you're like, ah, that's, like, you know, he just had no fucking guidance and shit. And so he would steal these hats from Sports Authority all the time. And he would sell it to us or like way cheap and uh and they like made him cool like and we because like people were like you know it made us talk to him because we wanted because these hats were like i don't know like 30 or something sure yeah and when you're in middle school you're like 30 yeah and he would dude he would go all the time and steal these hats and finally he got caught and uh you know they fucking charged the

shit out of him i'm picturing him with like 20 hats on he's like what i walked in here with these these are all mine yeah yeah and then his younger brother uh and one of my brother's former best friends when we were not much in elementary school they did this i think they're in like fifth grade they broke into this girl's house they They stole her dad's like guns, pissed on her bed, and like ripped up all of her like beanie babies. Yeah. I'm sorry. Are these like demons?

It's like one of the neighbors called the cops. They covered her walls in blood. Yeah. And they just trashed the house. And like they got- They crucified her cat. Yeah. That's like a bit.

They got caught. But like they heard the cops so they went like hid under the deck and the cops found them whoa yeah and then one of the dudes involved in this he got this girl that i grew up with who was younger than me he got her pregnant and then just ran away to florida of course and you know what unreal that person that person later gave their dna and that's how they caught him. She was probably like 17 when he got her pregnant, 18. She was 16. How about when they broke into the house?

Oh, it was like elementary school, dude. What? Yeah. That's pretty dark for elementary school. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Bad. I always sidestepped any time my friend got into legal trouble.

Yeah, me too. I was such a pussy, yeah. Oh, I totally was. Well, they would spray an aerosolized thing inside of a traffic cone and just create this massive flamethrower. Whoa. Yeah, we do that shit all the time. There was a burn ban in Anchorage because it was a super dry summer.

Somebody called the cops. And they got a free tour of the fire department afterwards because it was 11-year-old kids just being kids. Wow. I missed out on that one. That's pretty cool. That's pretty nice that's pretty like nice like local law enforcement yeah we hear they'd be like hey let's give you a tour of a jail

that you're gonna stay this is how much of a pussy i am we you know fireworks are illegal here yeah i think i was like middle definitely like maybe middle school like uh and we were lighting off fireworks like we had a ton and we were just lighting them off and we let this one we were lighting off fireworks. We had a ton. And we were just lighting them off. And we lit this one. We were lighting off fire. Like real ones? Well, sort of. Yeah. We were lighting off firecrackers in this tunnel because we wanted that echo.

Yeah. And then we went and my brother had this big block. And that was like real shit. And we didn't know what it was going to. And then we lit it. We didn't even stay to watch it. We all ran. We were like, oh, my God.

What is happening? like so then we run oh you'll got a bomb we run back into the tunnel and we're like fuck fuck fuck like yeah and then we like peek outside there are cop cars there are like eight cop cars circling all like the neighborhoods we're like fuck fuck what do we do so we're like all right let's just act casual you can't be like a group of like eight kids walking out of the woods yeah casually casual so like no we were um blowing each other he's like all right so we were so we like walked out we're just like in the back of this like cul-de-sac yeah uh cop pulls up and walks over to us and he's like, hey. And I just start immediately crying.

That works really well. Dude, I mean, like, I could not. And I was like, I don't want to go to jail. And I, like, and, like, no one else. It was, like, eight of us. I'm, like, 13 years old, I think. That's so funny. I couldn't stop crying.

You're like, the starter hat was stolen. Oh, God, I'm going to go to jail. I know the kid who broke into someone's house. They peed on her bed. I stayed up past my bedtime last night. I swear I'm a good person, though. I looked at Sable's boobs in Playboy. I paused the tape of WrestleMania just to look at her nipple.

Do you remember that? That like strip tee. What was it? It was a strip tee match. Yeah. Or was it? It was something. But then at Monday Night Raw.

It was a bathing suit competition. That's what it was. And then she took her boobs. She had the hands. She had the hands on her boobs. But then also you look back on it. She does not look good. Back then you like super

fake boobs super fake who is the woman she was against stratus no no no it was a african-american lady oh i forgot her name but she like snuck her nipple out like actual nipple really it was nice during a wwf event yeah

it was raw no no this was a pay-per-view they also did on raw i don't did she do the hands on raw too okay well maybe the nipple then for the god who's the other nipple was pay-per-view but i just remember my friend his parents paid for every pay-per-view and he taped it and i was like hey let me borrow that tape and i just kept that tape yeah uh Yeah. Oh, so I couldn't stop crying. And it was so embarrassing because I just hated... I was a really good kid.

I hated just disappointing people. I didn't want anybody to be mad at me. Yeah, I'm still that way. I want to be a good boy. Yeah. And so the cop, because I cried, he's like, all right, look, I'm going to let you guys off. But you guys know you shouldn't be doing this.

You're lucky you hit this little bitch. Save you all. Yeah, I know, right? And I'm sure my friends behind my back made fun of me all the time. No one ever said anything to me about it, ever. Because then it's like, well, he did help us out. Yeah, that's true. And God, I was so...

Just thinking about it now, it's just like, ugh, so embarrassing. I love you still. Dude, and actually, I remember i like we were by like a transformer like a big like the green ones i remember i took my glasses off put it on it and i like got on one knee i was just bald because i couldn't like stand up that's such a like kind of 90s thing too just like sitting on a transformer yeah like a kid like we oh dude it was so bad i was such a i did something similar to that i mean

much more low-key but it was in middle school and they did this thing when we had homeroom so you'd have to be in like whatever in the beginning of the morning from like 8 to 8 15 and then they did a rule where you had to have a book for homeroom like something you were reading and then for those 15 minutes you're supposed to read if you didn't have a book you got like some type of whatever and uh i was like oh fuck i don't have a book and this kid alex didn't have a book so we went down to the library and we were trying to actually like get a book from the library the proper way but there are a bunch of kids down there and then we were going to be late and i was like fuck it let's just grab books and go and so we grabbed we grabbed two

books and this woman that works there she she pats me on the shoulder, and she's like, hey. And I go, I didn't mean to take it. I was going to, but we're running out of time, and I wasn't going to take the book. She was like, no, I was just going to say, hey, we have some new books over here. She didn't even think we were stealing, and I just gave it up immediately and had to get detention for it. That's so stupid.

Immediately. It was like, yeah. Because I just saw an adult that was like's so stupid. Immediately it was like, yeah. Because I just saw an adult that was like, excuse me. And I was like, oh, I didn't mean to. You weren't aware of your privilege yet. Exactly. Just embrace it. I know.

And I think that's why she was most mad. She's like, you're squandering your gift. You know what I mean? My friend, he got out of, I think, so what was happening is we would take golf balls from the golf course that I get hit over the fence. We would just go to a is we would take golf balls from the golf course. They're like hitting over the fence. You would just go to a field and like hit golf balls.

But behind the fence was people's houses. Sure. Eventually we got good enough that they started hitting people's windows and breaking their windows. Damn. I left that group like I couldn't make it to our golf sessions anymore for whatever reason. Our golf sessions. Like they're like your 40-year-old golf buddies. Guys, I'm not going to be able to make it to the session where we knock golf balls into somebody's kitchen.

I mean, there was a strict dress code. Sure. Yeah. So my friend – Like it was a country club. Yeah. This guy doesn't have JNCOs on. Get him out of here. He was like the strongest kid.

I don't know if he has a friend who was just abnormally strong for like an 11-year-old. Oh, is that a friend? No. So he would just, he got, he could drive like 250 yards. Damn. Busted out this woman's window. The whole family comes out and starts chasing them down the road. And they just threw everything into the back of the Jeep.

Holy shit. But they didn't close it correctly. So as they're driving down this hill, all these like golf clubs and balls are coming out so all this evidence is literally trailing them around behind yeah and they just corner them a note flies out the window that says like i hit a golf ball into so-and-so address dude i love that was like the best part about being a kid is just like doing dumb like i want to go play ding dong ditch as an adult yeah i did that a lot that was fantastic that was so fun we used to record us playing ding dong pitch it was so fun yeah just to like have like people like you get pulled over umar's like give him the tape yeah let him see what i did dude we used to throw snow we used

to wait at stop signs and throw snowballs at cars like that was so fun one guy got out of his car yeah so fucking scary yeah then you just take off running take off running yeah we did all kinds of dumb shit just like it's like like the little rascals like exactly like so there's the spot in annapolis where they give you complimentary pickle slices on the table so we just took a bunch afterwards and then we got up on top of buildings at downtown annapolis and we just fling pickles and we can't even see what the pickles hit, but we're just like... Yeah, yeah.

Dude, we tried to go to... But I do love the idea of somebody, like, standing in the harbor in Annapolis, and a pickle, like, hits you, and you're like, what the fuck? We tried to buy, like... We used to go to the PetSmart in the mall, and we tried to buy those beta fighting fish.

And the woman wouldn't sell us two because she's like I know what you guys are going to do and we're like no it's for a class project and she's like yeah I'm not an idiot and so we had to go on two separate days bought these fighting fish and they didn't even fucking fight they just stood on the opposite side of the tank the whole fucking time

I mean it's in the name beta come on like no you start the fight no I don't want to start the fight No you start it No I won't start the fight No Yeah I was at the library With my dad

I was like nine or something And all of a sudden This huge spit glob Just falls on our window And my dad gets out of the car And I can't hear it Because I'm inside But I just hear him

Like mouth like Stupid motherfucker And it's like this Eleven year old kid Sure He's like standing on the On like the awning And he gets in like Just gets in trouble With his parents And that was the end of it But it's like this 11 year old kid he's like sure on the on like the audience and uh he

gets in like just gets him in trouble with his parents and that was the end of it but it was like right on the first time i saw my dad cuss and it was really yeah when you were how old i think i was like nine yeah my parents seldom cuss hmm interesting i don't remember how old i was but i feel like it was probably yeah but like when you're pervasive spit on somebody's car and not even think about it for a second sure yeah well yeah that's why the kids like kids are mildly terrifying in that way because they don't know the repercussions of stuff so yeah like speaking of target like there's been times where i'm like man these 12 year olds are gonna murder me yeah just because they don't know they're like i don't fight this fucking guy yeah they're and like they

don't think about the future consequences yeah they don't have a future to lose a lot of kids in this city right yeah one time i was leaving target i'm gonna tell the story in the podcast not for a while but yeah i was leaving and this kid was on a mountain bike and uh he's like hey man give me a give me a 50 cents i'll help you with your bags and i was like i'm good and they go hey man give me a dollar and i'll help you with your bags and i was like i'm good and they go hey man give me a dollar and i'll help you with your bags and like first of all i said no to 50 you're a terrible businessman yeah on the wrong direction i was like no i'm good and then i got to my car and then he rode his bike around the other side and he goes well fuck you then bitch ass

did you hear what i was like whoa that's awesome a bitch yeah uh did you uh you know like uh he might have said the n word after it but and uh they have the the window washer kids the window washer kids yeah um did you hear about that what happened that lady she uh i guess she like so let's say i don't know if it happens in all cities it might just be a baltimore thing i don't know baltimore at like stoplights uh it's not even just kids but recently i've noticed it's a lot more kids and adults like people just come and they're like hey let me wash your window they steal a wiper thing from gas stations oh really yeah that's what those are from oh a lot yeah that's interesting the window wipers by squeegees

though too you can but it's easier to walk to a gas station than just walk right they definitely take those yeah so they uh some like it's it's interesting like i feel like they've gotten away from just now like a lot of times it would just come up start washing your window without asking you in hopes that you would tip them and i would just be like sorry dude i don't know i'm not giving you shit for that fuck that yeah if i don't ask for it i don't know i don't feel bad at all it's also like yo you should be in school like you know what i mean so um you're i don't know and uh so a lot of times like and sometimes like i've been rolling down my window i'm like hey guys i don't have any cash sorry or i i just give them the universal like just kind of like wave my hand yeah yeah and they're actually you usually they're cool like they'll like we'll dap it up and they'll be like all right yeah it's all good man next time and i'm like no

no thank you but so uh i guess this one woman and i didn't just my co-worker told me the story this woman rolled down her window or her windows like and she like had her wallet or something and i guess she was like i don't know if there's an altercation or she was gonna give them money and the dude just snatched her purse and started running she got out of her car to chase him then they stole her car it's so fucked up and it's so funny just like that it's so good. It's so fucked up, but it's so funny. Just like that. It's like a moo. I was going to say.

It's like a doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. It's like a doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even just somebody that's like, God, I'm having the worst day. Yeah. And then they steal your car. Come on, man. Dude, if that happened, I would first of all never get out.

Like, why would you fucking cheat? No. What is the best case scenario? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the best case scenario? Well, yeah, even like that's what I know what is the best case scenario yeah yeah what's the best case scenario yeah even like that's what i was saying with the thing at target the kids like if he tries to fight me it's like you get beat up by a 12 year old or you beat up a 12 year old yeah if you catch or his friends will also they will all fuck you up totally yeah yeah yeah god they would fuck you up oh yeah god me are you kidding i would not yeah like um last yeah like last night uh

you know we went out to a diner after mcgoobies yeah yeah you got you got to host the mark norman show yeah it was great and we said the diner dude it's 2 a.m six of us which diner by the way towson diner really nice diner yeah it was nice and oh yeah that's where we went with tim dylan is that kind of off of the circle a little bit yes yeah on york road york road anyway so we just get there and uh we're sitting and we're like we're loud chris allen you know he's fucking like and i'm really loud and i don't know when i'm loud and they're like because they told me a couple times like dude you're yelling right now i'm like oh i'm so sorry and so chris i'm sorry chris allen like faked a pratt you know he did a pratt fall like

he was laughing you know like when black guys laugh you know like it dude dark mark did it at sidebar on monday do you remember that andres dark mark was laughing so hard he got on all fours at one point and sidebar is disgusting yeah it is it's yeah i mean yeah there's an open mic joke was great sure he was praying to mecca because he was slapping it with both hands at the is disgusting. Yeah, it is. There's an open mic there. The joke was great. It almost looked like he was praying to Mecca because he was slapping it with both hands at the same time. Who was on stage when that happened?

Was it that Bryson guy when he said the green... Some woman was talking about how gangsters all wear long white t-shirts and Bryson was like, no, that doesn't happen in a... Oh, it was you. You were on stage when he got on this film. What did you say? A good ass joke. It was just making fun

of Ian Sawyers. Oh, yeah. You were going hard into Ian. That was fun. Oh, yeah. So I guess the way Ian dresses is the same way as quote unquote thugs dress now. Is that what you're saying? No. That was another thing. I just said that Ian looked, because he was doing a bunch of not like woke material, but it was racist material yeah yeah and i was like i feel like he has to do

that because he looks like an old-timey plantation owner yeah dude it was it dude it crushed it was unbelievable yeah because now i'm just picturing him with like the big straw hat and then you come doing the accent it's like what were you were you doing? You're like, oh. Yeah, I was just like, oh, well, who do we have here? My, my, my. It was so funny. Oh, dear. And Mark was on the floor.

It was so good, dude. That's like the best part of it. Because that moment will never happen again. Yeah. That's like the open mics. I'm so glad I started going back again. Yeah. I didn't get there.

Those moments are like, God, that's what makes comedy fun. I wanted to do something about him looking like the Kentucky, like Colonel Sanders. If I just handed him my glasses, I think that would have been. Yeah. And then just did a Saw theme thing. Like, oh, well, your key to your freedom is at the bottom of this chicken tender.

The twist is the chicken tenders are made out of your mother's thigh roll. Oh, their thighs, all right. Thigh roll. And it was great. It crushed. It was a mostly black crowd. Dude, it was awesome. It was so fun yeah it was like it wasn't even that packed but like

yeah we're fucking there were a couple really strong laughers and that makes all the difference it really does yeah if you have one or two people that are like carrying the torch for everybody else it's very nice and ian went up first and he did really well so that like set the tone oh ian crushing nice yeah everyone was crushing yeah it was fun night hell yeah bryce i'll do one i wanted to get this out because it's so funny to me like uh this guy bryson young he's new but he's pretty good and uh some uh other black comic uh woman i have never seen before she was funny she was uh talking about like uh i don't know like gangsters like wearing long white tees right and because another comic had that or something like that yeah and

bryson's like what are you talking about like gangsters dress like green day now they do so funny yeah because it's so true but yeah like a tight pan but the shirt and like band t-shirt yeah h&m sells like slayer t-shirts because they're like, this is cool. What the fuck? I love that Green Day is the reference to it. It's so kind of outdated now. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh shit, I forgot to buy my tickets. They're legit in their 40s.

Hey, they still sell out arenas. I'm sure they do. Youngest inductees in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Way to focus on young there They're young Most of them have their original hips We're going to be there soon

I'll be dead before then Andrew grew up in Alaska Speaking of living You used to live in Alaska You were born there? I was born in Fairfax, Virginia Fairfax, Virginia. Fairfax, Virginia, Alaska?

Or that's the full name of the town? And I moved to Alaska when I was three. Damn. And when did you leave Alaska? For college. So you went from Alaska to Baltimore City? I went from Alaska to Provo, Utah. Oh, right, right.

Damn. Yeah, so that was the BYU thing. Yeah. So why Alaska? So my dad got a job for a company called Raytheon. They do missile defense. Yeah, so that was the BYU thing. Yeah. So why Alaska? So my dad got a job for a company called Raytheon. They do missile defense stuff. Yeah, yeah. And aviation stuff, too. They do a ton of shit.

They're all over Virginia. So were you like the rich kid in Alaska? No. I mean, he made good, decent money. Well, Andrea's like, yeah, we had the biggest igloo. Yeah. We had a huge, huge igloo, dude. We had the dopest polar bear, you know?

Right on the school and that shit. Yeah, dog. Tinted. I don't know. You should have seen all the huskies on my toboggan, fam. All my huskies. Wearing diamonds, dude. I don't even know what a toboggan is.

A toboggan? Toboggan? You know the thing where it's like mush? You know, where it's like that? Oh, shit. It's a dog sled Tabada is A toboggan? A toboggan? The thing where it's like mush You know where it's like that Oh shit It's a dog sled Is that a toboggan? A toboggan I feel like is more like

A sled With runners on it Right Oh wow I just like the word toboggan Did the Iditarod go through Alaska? Yeah I know So it's based in Alaska

That's a huge thing right? Yeah and I didn't know this until I moved down here That PETA is against dog sledding Oh yeah 100% Sure Because it's like slave labor to them yeah but those dogs love running oh really love it yeah uh anyway that's kind of besides the point but no it's so they have a ceremonial start sounds like somebody likes to run dog yeah oh and also you did a great plantation owner impression

them dogs love to fight no they love being out there. Somebody needs to bring up my skin color. Oh, Andres is whiter than white. Is the whitest man in America. No, he's a brown dude. Yeah, so I can say all these things, of course. It's going to be great when someone sends us a message. No, he can't.

Do you get messages like that? I wish. I have gotten a couple. Yeah, just a couple. But I think there are fans for a certain comedian I've opened up for. Okay. Yeah. Fair enough.

Yeah. I mean, maybe from friends. Probably like, hey, that was a little much. One time it was a woman who, you know what? It doesn't matter. Never mind. Let's go. Also, I don't even see gender.

So you should apologize for that. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I just fuck. A certain Celestia. Yeah. I just fuck. Here's the thing. I don't see gender. I just you should apologize for that. Yeah, I don't know. I just fuck. A certain Celestia. Yeah, I just fuck. Here's the thing.

I don't see gender. I just fuck. Yeah, I just fuck, dude. If you're trying to fuck me, I'll fuck you. I don't give a fuck. Okay, okay. I'll find a hole. Now, Andres, you grew up in-

Anyway, Andres, please tell us about the Iditarod. Speaking of finding a hole, how did you find your way to Baltimore? Wait, do you guys know about the idea of how it got started? Yeah, I read a book on it in elementary school, and it was really cool, but I don't know how it got started. And explain the idea, Rod, because all our fucking dumb... Genderless fans. Genderless fucking...

Yeah. Look, I love them. I don't see gender, but I do know they're fucking dumb. They're dumb, dude. We got the dumbest podcast listeners in the game. And, you you know that's okay that's okay we make a podcast for dumb people yeah by dumb by dumb people so i did a rod right uh so there's two big dog mushing races there's the yukon quest and there's

the i did a rod and i did rods like 1200 miles so initially, it was a diphtheria outbreak in Nome, Alaska. What's diphtheria? It doesn't exist anymore thanks to vaccines. Shout out to vaccines real quick. My favorite rapper. So the Tdap vaccine. Hey, my autistic son does not want to shout out to vaccines, Andre. So take that back, all right?

No, I will not uh yeah so he so there was they just did a relay of dog mushers to get this diphtheria like vaccine and treatment up to gnome from wow the nearest spot was and that's how balto got famous shout out to balto uh oh yeah balto he was the lead dog for the one that brought the diphtheria i remember that up to gnomeome. Yeah. What year was this? And then Balto moved to the East Coast and helped settle the very city we live in, Balto Moor. So that's the full story right there. Bringing it back. Bringing it back.

Yeah, that was great, dude. Bringing it back, you know? Woo! I would love, like, if PETA existed around those days. Just like, we really need to get this vaccine up there. Let's get the dogs. And like, honestly, that's offensive. Yeah.

We got to find a better way. Oh, Paul Revere. Get off that fucking horse. He's working a little too hard. You walk and tell everyone about the British. Was the Iditarod a big deal in like Maryland as well? What? Following the Iditarod?

Because we would have. I learned about it in elementary school. Yeah, because they would assign us a dog musher to follow and then however many miles they ran that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, in fourth grade. Damn.

And so we would read this number of pages that they had run that day. Whoa. So you were like trying to find like a bad one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'd drop out and like scratch that way through and you wouldn't have to finish Grapes of Wrath or whatever.

Damn, that's cool. Finish Grapes of Wrath. Yeah, but it's just insane. 1,200 miles is so long. Yeah, and they don't sleep for eight days. You have to pack all your food and shit. It's crazy. All the supplies, your tent.

You're sleeping outside on the snow? It sounds horrible. In order to train for it it you have to live that lifestyle and own a kennel with like hundreds of dogs out in the bush and then you can't really have any other job and it doesn't pay at all damn because that's like okay but surely there have to be downsides to the idea to ride too so like growing up in alaska do you like was it like did you feel when you came to college like you're like shit i missed out on a lot of stuff like cultural stuff uh no just because he said they had a lids oh that's true diamond center mall that was their cultural center they

brought a zoomies in uh damn middle school okay local snow and skate shop out of business cool very cool very cool um and there's a walmart so we were doing pretty good i mean so you think you to put the local snow and skate shop out of business. Cool. Very cool. Very cool. And there's a Walmart, so we were doing pretty good. So you think you kind of had all the same access to the culture that we had here? Yeah, there's a performing arts center. They have the Anchorage Symphony Orchestra. Anchorage itself is like 300,000 people. That's tiny.

Yeah, it's not very big, but there's a lot of money there. So big acts were through Alaska on their way to Asia. Yeah, it's not very big, but there's a lot of money there. So Big Axe will go through Alaska on their way to Asia. Oh, really? Oh, right, because you go that way. Interesting. Yeah. Do they have a comedy club there? They might now.

They do not have a comedy club. Todd Berry filmed part of his crowd work tour special up at Chilkoot Charlie's, which is also just where they do the open mic. Have you been there? Oh, gotcha. Oh, nice. Nice. Yeah, I guess when comedians go up there there they do maybe a college or something yeah they do uh uaa is university

of alaska anchorage and they also do bear's tooth joe rogan went to bear's tooth with ari shafir what's bear's tooth it's just like a theater pub oh right on right on fuck okay so alaska to utah yeah why why a mormon school yeah so it's super cheap gotcha so god damn you are brown yeah yeah well i looked at my bank account and i was like oh i we have not been saving for college like we should have been and so this is maybe what you like so you put you like i like that you're looking at your family's bank statement and you pull your like dad mom come yeah are you talking about your bank statement or their? Let me bring up the best part about Alaska. So all residents of Alaska get a check from the state every year for oil revenue.

What? Yeah, so there's a $42 billion pot of money that the state sits on that's all from tax revenue. Why? Well, it's basically the oil companies's like hey we're gonna destroy your state uh but we can pay you right how much do you get a month um the biggest it's just once a year in october oh the biggest check i got was thanks to sarah palin a shout out to sarah palin uh 3200 uh freshman year of college usually it's more like 800800 to $1,200. God damn. That's pretty nice. You just blew it all on snacks. There's always just permanent fund dividend sales at the used auto shop.

Right. So that was where my college savings was from, was all from the permanent fund. Wow, that's fucking dope. Yeah. So if you plan it right, you can have like $18,000. That's so cool. Still that smart, yeah. Because I would be like, oh, I'm going to get new guitar yeah oh it's smart to save it or invest it so then you went

to utah yeah brigham young brigham young university utah mormon college tuition there is four thousand a semester if you're not mormon and then two grand if you are mormon and then i was able to get some money so it was like down to mormon tuition for me really and cost of living there is nothing it's literally it's 300 bucks a month like everything included jesus christ they have the best cafeteria of all time this is your parents are immigrants yeah this is a son of an immigrant parent like dude that's what it is like that i have no sympathy for people who went to college and are in debt and don't have jobs like you are a fucking idiot because you're and it's like it's a little bit your parents fault and your fault too because like

my dad like dude he would be like you're not majoring in this you're not majoring in that that's bullshit i mean he was mad that i picked psychology right it was like you're gonna go to umbc it's a school that's six minute drive away from our house yeah and it's a good school it's a good school it's like why would you and he's like you you can go to college park but you're gonna pay for it yeah yeah yeah i always kind of fantasize like i'm gonna go to school like california and they're like oh that shit's like 40 grand a year or something like that's ridiculous i mean if and like because like our parents don't give a shit about the college experience yeah like this is where you find like yourself but it's also you're going to college to get a job that's why it's like two two years of community college get that out of the way it's cheap then two more years at uh yeah universidad that's like that's

immigrant thinking or just practical thinking like you know because you did the same yeah yeah i mean it was kind of it was also it was practical but it's also i had to you know because at some point they were broke because they're like we'll help baby we're not gonna pay for everything so even my dad my first semester of umbc helped out and then he was like i'm not gonna do that anymore yeah that's fair but i got like grants and stuff same care of it yeah but yeah with med school like my parents like if we could pay for your med school tuition We absolutely would Right We can't at all

Yeah Same with college Yeah so when I graduated Just with my bachelors I think it was like 12 grand No it was 9 grand That's not bad

That's how much it was Oh it's great Yeah and then over 10 years With interest It's like gonna be 13 grand Which is fine Yeah Mine's 45

Grad school Yeah but you went to grad school so yes 140 and so with interest it'll be like 200 000 there you go well i i also bought a house so i owe hundreds of thousands of dollars well technically wells fargo owns the house but you know it's nice of them to let me stay there yeah that's so so and did you like it your college experience oh i hated it oh really is it a dry yeah county too or whatever even like that big of a drinker like i don't really do that many drinks but like the people there all wanted me to be mormon so bad it's really hard when everyone's like hey we're gonna pretend to be your friend so

we can try to convert you whoa damn so that was kind of a bummer did you fuck any mormon chicks no did you try uh not really because it was like, because, you know, Brandon Davies, do you remember that basketball player? No. He got his girlfriend pregnant and got, he was like the star on the basketball team, and they benched him for the season. BYU? Yeah.

Wow. So they're very strict about their rules. And there's like, none of the women were down for that. They're like, why would we want to ruin our chastity for you? You are obviously not worth it. Right, right. So I was like, I'm not even going to try. You're like, I don't know.

Maybe we could do it. And then maybe you can convert me. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. There's a lot of, they say, flirt to convert. Flirt to convert. I love that.

Yeah. Right on. God damn. Okay, so when did you know you wanted to go to med school? Was that always the plan? Yeah, I saw. God damn. Okay, so when did you know you wanted to go to med school? Is that always the plan? Yeah, I actually saw, I went to my parents' house yesterday, and there was a bunch of things that I had done in elementary school, and one of them was when I grow up, I'm going to be-

Is this you playing Operation for 24 hours? Yeah, I drew a picture of me with a stethoscope and a white coat, and I was like six. Oh, dang. But then I wrote, I want to be a doctor so I can make a lot of money. i was like six oh dang but then i wrote like i want to be a doctor so i can make a lot of money i was like oh it's bad motivation what if you're a dumb kid and you're like astronaut i want to be like what the fuck that's clearly a doctor andres what are you talking about uh but yeah i mean i think uh a lot of people like get into it and you didn't

get into it to be poor so it's like yeah, yeah, you want to make some money, right? Yeah. Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Everybody else. I mean, doing it for the money is not worth it because you can make hopefully the same amount of money doing business. And tons.

Equally as miserable if you don't actually want to do it. Right. And it's tons and tons of education, too. So much. God damn. Karen worked with a girl that had a degree already and had a job and then she quit that job and then went back to school to start med school when she was like in her late 20s and it's like i know that you're like into maybe like gray's anatomy or stuff but you're in some

real shit and then like dropped out a semester or two later because yeah you're like okay you gotta go back to school for like seven years at least right like what the fuck are you doing so by the time you get done you're in your mid-30s and you're way way way in debt dude i went to grad school with the guy he started grad school at age 38 it's a three-year program and uh he couldn't hack it and so he had to take i mean he is like you know he has like mental uh uh like he is just like he's really severely depressed he has like sleep apnea issues and like he didn't know all of the sleep apnea stuff until in like well into grad school so he had to take like a year off redo some courses took another year off so he should be in his like because i'm in my second

year of work he should be in a second year of work he was just finishing up his internship not even done school and uh so you have to create this big portfolio to graduate and it's a lot i mean it's a fucking lot of work he never turned it in and never told the professors, apparently. What the fuck? And he just dropped out. Good God. Dude, he's so much dead probably from. And nothing to show for it. It sucks. Woo.

Yeah. I mean, it's fucking. Yeah. It's great. But to me, like, having, like, it's so funny to me because, like, I know, like, I'm a negative person. But I think it's also, I get really annoyed when annoyed when people like are overly positive or celebrate like just things that are just so like to me like having a master's degree like is not a big deal right like it's not a big deal and uh i think it whatever it means to that person yeah i see on

facebook all the time like i'm a master's like who gives a fuck who? You're still making like 45 grand a year. Like, it's so stupid. Got a degree and who gives a fuck? I'm like, that's so annoying. I don't know why, but it bothers me so much. But like, I see that I want, oh. Well, at least they worked for it. Yeah, so did I. Who gives a, you know what I mean?

I think it's whatever level you get to you're still like uh whatever like even me i'm about to graduate from med school and i'm like yeah whatever yeah dang so yeah so what happens when you graduate uh i start residency which and that what does that entail uh that's four years of working as a doctor but you don't expect anything out of you your first year other than like learning how the system works and trying to get back up to a regular baseline. And then hopefully by the end of it, well, definitely by the end of it, you can be your full autonomous physician.

Right. Does that scare you? Oh, it's terrifying. Well, I've seen scrubs, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be pretty analogous to that. You're going to have your Turk. You're going to have a couple doctors. One's going to be a little rude to you,

but he's going to be your mentor. Yep, and you're going to have trouble getting an IV in, and then you're gonna have a couple doctors one's gonna be a little rude to you but he's gonna be your mentor yeah and you're gonna have trouble getting an iv in and then you're gonna get over it's gonna be a lot of gay jokes a lot dude so many gay jokes on that show they had a bromance yeah yeah yeah i was accepted back then you know yeah they were friends in real life and oh really yeah and uh i heard zach braff on a podcast talking about when he was on the show Punk'd. Oh, I heard on Dax Shepard's podcast because he used to be on it. Anyway, when they Punk'd Zach Braff, the dude Turk, I'm blanking on his name, the actor. The black guy, yeah. Yeah, he was in on it.

And so it took place at like outside of a convenience store. So they went in the convenience store and they had a bunch of cameras in there. And Zach Braff's like, I should have known something was up because he was like, when they went in, there was like a couple like Playboys or something on the magazine rack. And Zach Braff was like, whoa, look at this. And the dude was like, man, you know I don't look at that. And he was just like, he was like, what are you talking about? Like, because he knew there were cameras and his wife's watching.

And then like they were going to... Oh, it was a liquor store. Yeah. So then it's like, all right. And then one dude, he was like, man, I don't know. I think we should get some Cristal. And he's like, you don't drink Cristal. He wasn't looking white.

He's like, so I should have known. He just wanted to seem rich and cool. Yeah, we should get some Cristal. He's like, so I should have known something was amiss. He's like rich and cool like yeah yeah so i should have known something was a mess he's like dude you go to jamba jiu yeah i just love the idea dude it's your life is interesting andres because you lived in alaska uh uh you and then mormon town and then baltimore city it's like everything feels like like a culture shock like every move you've made yeah how was it when you first came to Baltimore? Were you like, what the fuck? Were your whole family just like, ugh?

Yeah, my mom was very scared. So she gets some of her treatments there, so she comes to Baltimore really regularly. And so she was scared for my life. Really? That's hilarious. I mean, she grew up pretty wealthy in Peru in a really nice neighborhood. So she's just not... Yeah, so she has some old-timey views, let's say.

And so for her, she was terrified about me living in the city. For me, the biggest culture shock was not having trees around and just being surrounded by cement and asphalt. Really? Because you know it's a concrete jungle. Baltimore is a city, though, where it's way easier to come across great like when you're in new york dude it's gonna be hard to come by transition city for me to yeah yeah it is baltimore buildings are low enough where you can still see the water sometimes i live across from a park yeah and

you can drive like 10 minutes and then be away from buildings and all that stuff where it's just a neighborhood but for my girlfriend she wasn't used to this kind of crime and so there's one time we were biking back from school and there's a group of like 11 year old kids they're all downloading mp3s illegally she's like what is this we crossed the street and she's like yeah these are a bunch of little kids like of course they're gonna be nice to me and she tries to bike past them and they just grab her front tire. What are we going to do to her? And then they're just like, let her go. But every time somebody's tried to carjack her or steal her stuff,

it's always been like an 11 to 13-year-old. Yeah, that's what it is. They let her go. Dude, she's so lucky. She's so lucky, yeah. What did she do? She was just like, excuse me, and then they just let her go. Excuse me, sir, you seem to have your hand on my tire

Oh my god You're impeding my progress on my bicycle Fuck, I wouldn't know That's scary There was one time she was biking to my house I don't know if you guys like to prank your girlfriends the way I do Sure But I just like to, when she comes in the house

I jump out from behind the door and say boo Very hilarious bit She has to try it in the house, I jump out from behind the door and say boo. Very hilarious bit. You should try it. She's like, I'll fucking kill you. Gotcha. You're going to get stabbed by her one day. So I had recently changed her brake pads, and this has served a double benefit because I could hear when she was coming home. And I replaced them with silverware.

So I hear her braking from like half a block away, and then i hear like banging on the door and she's like help and so i open the door and these two kids are like grabbing her bike and trying to steal her backpack and we live in like a nice neighborhood but it was still like a nine and eleven year old boy just trying to so what'd you do um it just them seeing another person scared them off and oh my god but she's had a couple of those where it's like all right fuck what neighborhood do you guys have to stop biking at night. Well, this was at like three o'clock

in the afternoon. Holy shit. Dude, what neighborhood? It's right across from Patterson Park. So like Upper Fells, Butchers Hill. Gotcha.

I would have picked those kids up, threw them in the house and called the cops. No, I'm just kidding. That would be the worst thing you could do. You two sit here. Yeah,

it's like, all right, then I get arrested for kidnapping. I keep forgetting that I'm not fast anymore because I cannot outrun a 13-year-old boy. There's no way. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, I chase 13-year-old boys, too. What are we talking about? I don't know. What? Damn. Fuck. Oh, yeah, so when you said your mom has treatments because your mom has cancer.

One of my favorite stories about that involves you is that andre's well your your comedy has evolved because now you just like it's not one-liners anymore like you're just talking on stage and it's great dude you got i mean you were always funny to me but you're like way funnier now thank you yeah you're always funny but i think you kind of would like kind of separate the audience a little bit like if they weren't on board because some of the stuff was like pretty dark one-liners umbc show that we did together wait what happened yeah andre's like would like when i first met him he was this dude who just told like really uh like offensive one-liners

see i never thought they were offensive oh my are you insane i was very oblivious to it yeah that's hilarious also because you're like the nicest guy yeah yeah the umbc show was like three people in the audience um and there were these like uh two uh young black teenagers in the back and the first joke i did was about dating only white women which is uh false and but i thought it was funny and And after the first joke, they just go, nope. To me, I was like, this is perfect. This is very funny. There were no laughs for the rest of the set, and it was fine for me.

And I get off stage, and Josh is trying to be nice. He's like, no, dude, you're funny, man. Don't worry about it. Yeah, but in that environment, when there's three people in their crowd and they're like shitty college kids like yeah you just gotta be like ah fuck this but like my style of comedy didn't work for like every single room so i was like i need to have jokes that actually work wherever i guess the job of media and make people laugh regardless of

the situation so i was like i need to change comics who fight against that are fucking stupid as shit too they They're like, no, I'm gonna do me and it's like, okay, dude, you gotta make money.

And you're trying to couch it too and being like, it's like, I wanna be true to me. It's like, why don't you just be funny? Nobody's asking you to go up there with a t-shirt cannon

and be like, what's up crowd? You're not changing the world, you idiot. Yeah. A comedian that can kill in any room is gonna be better than a comedian that only kills in any room is going to be better than a comedian that only kills in some rooms yep there you go i felt really bad does that show still exist because

i remember i kept founding the promoter i don't know i mean the show oh yeah to get that like 50 bucks it takes for fucking ever to get there yeah they uh yeah that we i did a show and evan my current roommate he uh pulled his pants down and he had boxer briefs on and there's a 17-year-old in the audience. It's all kids, like UMBC, the student event board. They're fucking like 19, 18, whatever. And they're yelling. This girl's yelling at Evan. And I just remember being like, look i know like to you this is

a big deal but this doesn't matter right like your job isn't a real job i'm sure she took that well yeah yeah and she was like god you have to apologize and i was like dude i get it a little bit but like it's just like he's wearing shorts like you know and like that 17 year old didn't even care you're the one who cares but yeah it's like he's basically wearing a bathing suit yeah so i think that might have been a precipitating factor for that show to not exist anymore i feel better thank god for evan don you he lives here right yeah he's he's in uh espana uh yeah barcelona yeah yeah but so we were doing me and josh produced some shows uh at this irish bar that you did yep and uh and you know most of the people there for the show but there's a group of women

who are at the table and you know they're like woke women and like they were just like talking through the whole fucking show and like whatever like i get it they didn't know a show was happening they want to hang out and socialize or maybe they did know a show was happening but they're stupid and don't i don't know people do that all the time they come to shows and they talk and i'm like stop shut the fuck up just go home or something anyway so you were doing your joke you're doing a joke about your mom having cancer and i guess they thought they didn't know that and your mom's in the front row laughing at it while having cancer like her cancer ridden body she's enjoying her joke at her expense keep describing it yeah it was like chemo flowing through her veins but somehow she laughed and these bitches yeah so i guess like the girl, like she just started booing you.

See, and I don't remember hearing that, but I never remember you were like very upset about it. Oh. I don't think, yeah. I don't think it was like boo, but it was just like boo. No, it was loud. Was it? It was loud. Damn.

Yeah. And then I was frustrated because I kept shushing them also. And I got a fucking Facebook message from one of the girls. Like, yeah, like, you know, they're like, oh, you'd make a good librarian. I was like, what the fuck, dude? Like, it's just like, oh, yeah. So then my knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System has nothing to do with this. Yeah.

She started booing you. And and I was like, I was like, stop. And then she goes, no, it's not right. What are you saying? And I was like, shut. And I just remember going like, shut the fuck up. And like, I was like, stop. And then she goes, no, it's not right what he's saying. And I was like, shut. And I just remember going like, shut the fuck up. And like, I was very. Damn, I don't remember that.

I remember them being a problem, but I don't remember like. Yeah, I remember being very aggressive. I literally said, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I remember you were pissed. You know, like. She said something to you like, my friend's mom has cancer. No, her mom just had cancer and like was recovering. And I didn't know at the time that your mom had cancer,

so I couldn't even throw that in your face. That would have been nice, though, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, bitch, his mom, who has cancer right now, is in the front row. You're like, stand up. Show everybody. Show them your cancer.

Show it to them. So what's funny about that show is one person had a very negative reaction to those jokes, and then this drunk girl came up to me afterwards and had a horrible life experience where her dad died while she was in like another hospital so she couldn't be there for it she was like holy shit i'm so happy that you're talking about these things wow it's important to make jokes about it and then she looks at my mom and goes does it feel real and we're like what oh my god i love like people cannot just give a compliment without being weird. Yeah.

Just end it. Yeah. My mom just smiled and was like, I need to get this lady out of my face. Goodbye. Yeah. So then me and this girl are talking outside because I was like, guys, you need to leave. Just go. Yeah.

And so they're standing outside. And I apologize. I shouldn't talk to people that way and and i was just like trying to explain i was like you know like you got to just understand like he's just trying to be funny he's like making a joke and like his intention and then she like cut me off she's like i don't give a fuck about intention it's all about impact and i was like all right we have nothing well yeah she just wants to be outraged those people are the worst too that are like i'm on behalf of like yeah you know so uh she inspired a joke recent like that i recorded for my album because uh my buddy was taking some like my buddy was taking a class like an african-american some

like african-american like workshop class and um like not with college or just like i don't know what it is something like like yeah you know you live in baltimore and there's like a group that like helps like they want to improve race relations or whatever yeah so she's in the class put on a workshop and like she's you know she's a white woman and in the class one time she said like god i wish i wasn't white so like i could know like that you know like so i could relate to the struggle of black people or something and i was like yo you're a crazy person, right? Like your opinion about anything shouldn't matter. It's like such a gross.

That is an offensive ass thing to say. It is. Yeah. Because you're seeing them as other as well. Or like you can't look at someone's situation and empathize. So you're a psychopath. You're a sociopath because you are normal. A fucking like that's what you teach kids like put yourself in their shoes you can't do that you dumb fuck like well i don't know exactly yeah no shit you don't know exactly

what it's like yeah but you should have been like oh that situation sucks and it's just like also you just want like a pat on the back and you want to look like a cool white person you're a fucking those people are phonies they're like no i just want to look like a cool person yeah i'm not a white person yeah i don't know like it all anyway i gotta get my tote bag and get out of here yeah yeah yeah and then like dude you look at this person's instagram like it's just all white people yeah do the whitest shit ever it's just like and also that's fine and that's fine yeah do that shit oh yeah i yeah i don't like the idea that you're supposed to self-loathe yeah you know like oh god i'm terrible because i was born like yeah also the best part is do like you want to like defend like you know

you like you stick up for these groups and defend like you want to defend poor black people and it's like yeah they would hate hanging out with you you're a bummer dude yeah because they because the way like like i remember like uh after i felt taped my album i was chilling my co-workers really nice black women that i work with they came and uh it was white people like i was hanging out with but i was chilling with these folks that is not true that is how i always talk so me and my homies are chilling my yo girls i said yas queen let's chill and so i was hanging out with them and i just and i remember i was up in my head because i referred to there's a couple times where i referred to women as bitches in my recording i was like and i was like i was like yeah bitch or something you know just joking and i was like, fuck, I wish I didn't say that.

Well, it's also like a false competence thing, like joking around. Right. And then so my coworker's like, why? It was funny. And I was like, yeah, but people, you know, they get mad when it gets disrespectful to women. And then my coworker's like, yeah, dude, only white people care about that. Yeah. They respect authenticity.

So wherever you're coming from, it doesn't matter. Like, as long as you're true to yourself yeah if you have somebody it's like oh i just hate me it's like why get out of here i just want like these white people like in baltimore city who like who like you know they talk like like i want them to like talk like this bullshit academia language to the people i work with and then just be like dude go fuck yourself you're. You're not fun to be around. Yeah, it's very impractical what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck those people.

Anyway, long story short, fuck those people. And if you are those people... Anyway, Andre's mom, how is she doing? Is she okay? Don't go to comedy shows. How is your mom? She's all right. Yeah?

I think she's been living with it for so long that she's like, oh, this is just a huge burden. It's like a part of just like a huge burden part of her life now yeah it's like every it's not even like every two weeks which is like when the chemo is dosed it's like all these other appointments of checking levels and doing all these things blood tests and all that stuff it's interesting that everyone's like so focused on outcome and survivability and how long you can live with it about the quality of life of like yeah this is just during it what you have all the time and like right steroids change your mood and like the chemo is not nice to your body yeah like you're

constantly just feel fucked up one way or the other yeah i'm gonna be a doctor and i say things like chemo is not nice to your body that's how i describe it it's like i want to break this down to you it ain't fun okay what you're about to go through all right you understand um yeah my mom had breast cancer and had to go through that so it's uh yeah it's uh yeah it's a tough thing to go through but it's like you know yeah i think if she was in the audience and i was making jokes like you're well within your right that it just really sucks i don't have to be like no that's a bad like no no that's my experience i can talk about that yeah yeah that's that's oof wild man damn what are we at what are we winding down all right we're in about stage four of this podcast uh yeah um so andres tell us about

the podcast you want to do yeah so i just want to interview comedians about the medical problems like at this point in my medical and comedy career the pretty much the only things i know how to do are talk to people and yeah good history so yeah uh as time progresses i'll turn into a real doctor which will be fun but for now i'm just gonna hang out with some buddies and talk about yeah you're gonna be a hot commodity because i think comedians always feel they're fucked up with something and then if you have a funny doctor that you can see people are are going to love that. That'd be awesome. I'm also going to start a medical Spanish podcast with my mom.

Really? She was a medical and legal interpreter for a while. You speak Spanish? I do. God damn! No, en espanol. Oh, Dios mio. I was looking through a middle school yearbook from uh uh yeah I was from like eighth grade

and this guy wrote the most racist but hilarious thing uh let me pull it up really quick just says make America great again it's pretty much along those lines right right I was very proud of uh remembering that kid because he's now like he's six seven like 250 and like this badass like oil field worker but we got into a fight uh at my house when he ate the last cookie and it was uh even match and you're how old uh we were both uh 12 damn and he ate the last cookie huh last cookie what type of cookie we talking here this is just a regular run-of-the-mill chocolate chip cookie damn you went to war over that i like that but this is the best part so we fight uh in the kitchen into the living room in the hallway down the stairs

and then out the door this is like a looney tunes fight where they just see like an arm and a foot and like a big cloud of smoke yeah and no one was taking it seriously because it was just like not even a fight it was like wrestling essentially just. Just like, fuck you, no fuck you, man. And then he gets outside, he's super pissed, and he's riding his bike in circles in front of my house. Jesus. And he sees a flower pot behind the mailbox, and he just goes and rips out all the flowers and bikes away.

This is the mark of Dustin. The mark of Dustin. I like that he doesn't even kick it. He's like, I'm going to rip all these up. So he wrote, how's it going, Mexico, Mexican taco burrito i'll kill you for a peso arriba i'm gonna go to taco bell the drive-thru and say that can i help you how's it go all the spelling errors like well actually yeah uh going why'd you let him sign it uh no it was funny. He wasn't trying to be racist. Yeah, he spelled G-O-E-N.

He spelled A-R-E-E-B-A. God, dude. Peso was P-A-S-O. He basically spelled it Reba McIntyre, but with an A in front of it. Yeah, if you're going to shit on someone, you have to be grammatically correct. Because people will just fucking tear you apart. You look so stupid but i saw that taco burrito mexico mexican like he's you can tell he didn't want to scratch it out yeah he's like no i meant that i meant that mexico mexico what grade was that that was eighth

grade that's fucking funny for an eighth grade yeah to call you mexico mexican aruba that's hilarious god i that's the best part about middle school that humor uh is the best that's essentially what like come town and leave the skanks and real ass you're getting back to being just a dummy yeah it's so fucking that's what we were doing and last night and when we got called trash at this diner yeah yeah which you know they're not wrong but you know you know uh i think they the way they went about it was wrong oh yeah i mean i don't know the full story but i mean like keep it down like if somebody be like hey your podcast is uh dumb and be like yeah yeah so finish that story i don't think you ever yeah no i mean you didn't see it so you didn't say you got

into it but you said you went out to a diner last night with the headliner mark norman and a bunch of other comics andy klein ch Allen, and two of his buddies. And it was 2 a.m., dude. And we're loud, whatever. We're having fun. And then Chris fell on the ground laughing. And I kept trying to start this story. And Chris kept saying, oh, this is boring.

And he turned around and looked at these women. He's like, man, he's telling a boring-ass story right they hated it sure they thought it was but it was just so innocuous and then like these these guys kept staring at us and i and um and i and i get it so i made a inside joke where it was an anti-homophobic joke but if you just heard it out of context it seemed very like we got homophobes yeah because uh jesus shit just drop the recorder but i think we're still we're still rolling yeah so andres that's how you podcast anyway knock the thing on the ground i just made a call back to that joke because i was giving chris shit and uh and that you know they might have heard it and then uh

someone might have made an n-word joke i know it might have just been a little too loud. And so I totally get the way we came across. Yeah. And so at one point, one of the guys, like this two tables moved because of us. Sure. And then these one guy's like, I don't blame you, man.

They're trash. And he said it loud so we could hear it. And they kept going back and forth, like Chris and Mark and everyone. Dang. And I was just like, guys, just let it go squash it like like whatever yeah and uh and chris was dude chris had to like get up and walk away and like it ruined the whole night but and then so you know and i think well these two dudes were gay yeah and so uh but then uh I won't say who said all these things, but like somebody at the table was like, oh man, we just got yelled at by two dope queens.

Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah. It was a bummer because if they would just been like, hey guys, you're being loud. Keep it down. You know? Yeah.

It's been like fine. I can see them being annoyed. Like if you're not in on the joke and you're like all right you guys can you yeah and and it's also it's two in the morning at a diner but it's also two in the morning at a diner like what do you expect yeah we're just having fun yeah these are the type of people that are out at two in the morning getting fucking eggs yeah andy brought up a good point like he probably said it looks like the white guy is like or the black guy guys performing for all his white friends you know and we were just like all right i mean like you know even if they did think that's racist too like you don't know the dynamics it's like obviously he's trying to impress them yeah and

one of the tables that moved was like young kids it was so weird yeah just weird it's that college thing again though of like this is offensive yeah and yeah and then so i mean they went back and forth and then like this uh this group of like strippers i think they were strippers but they were dressed and they had like this the kid looked like a 12 year old asian boy with them it was so weird and they were being so loud and then chris just kept like oh, I can't enjoy these pancakes. They're so loud. Just to piss off the dudes. Yeah, it sounds like you would not let it go. Oh, Chris texted me this morning.

He was like, yo, I'm still mad. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And Mark wouldn't let it go. Mark kept arguing with them. And I was just like, it's going to go nowhere. Yeah. You know, like, just fuck. It was a damper on the night. Right. Yeah. Overall good night, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just like going to go nowhere. Yeah. You know, like, just fuck. And it was a damper on the night. Right.

Yeah. Overall good night, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just like, we got called trash. Yeah. Like, and I was like, you don't know us, dude. Like, we're like good people. Yeah.

It's like, yeah, don't act like you're fucking better than me. It's a diner. You're at a diner 2 a.m. And you're in a suit. On a Friday night. Yeah. How great is your life, dog? You know what I mean?

That this is where you are right now? Yeah. Isn't that great? Go eat somewhere else. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, go. It's just like... And then the guy tried to make a threat too, which is hilarious because there's six of

us. And he was like, I advise you to let it go because you don't want to keep going. He's like, because I... And then I thought he was going to say, I'll kick your ass. He's like, because I will make a phone call and have you guys out of here and mark's like good do it like we're not doing anything we're gonna leave anyway yeah i thought i did such like a young rich thing too just like because i know a lawyer you're gonna be in trouble okay yeah they weren't young and oh and uh you know it was two black dudes and uh yeah it sucked

it was it was a bummer because like i i genuinely felt bad that if we said something that they heard it was out of context that they were offended yeah that's not you know what we want to do right but it's just like god just there's a different way to just like you don't have to call us trash you know yeah you should have just said that we're uh we're chilling next to you guys excuse me me and my homies are chilling yeah okay all right uh all right uh andres you know your podcast is gonna be called uh it's just gonna be called past medical history oh okay okay okay all right you don't want to be the funny doctor or Patch Adams or something like that. Yeah, I'll try to. I'll run some more by.

Yeah, Patch Adams. I feel like you can't use that. Snatch Adams. And you are an OBGYN that uses humor. That would be great. Snatch Adams. I'm sure it's been done. Oh, my God.

Has it, though? If it's not. If it hasn. I'm sure it's been done. Oh, my God. Has it, though? If it's not. If it hasn't, let's make that web series. You guys should go to med school and go through a four-year-old's land residency. That would be amazing. I have to go to school for so long. I'm in debt.

I'm like, this is all for a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Playing the long game on this one. Cool. Omar, do you have any questions for him? Medical questions? I do have a lot of ailments. Really?

Yes, a lot. I have GI issues. Is it okay to take gas sacs four times a day? What do they say on the bottle? I don't know. I think you can say, but I don't know. I've been taking it for a while now. That's that doctor shit where it's just like...

I've been taking Miralax. A doctor friend did tell me that you can take it like three times a day and nothing will happen. Yeah. And it's fine, completely fine. Yeah. Yeah, because I have pooping problems. I get constipated a lot.

I'm always bloated and backed up. It sucks. And it's been going on for years. I went to a GI. They checked me out. And they're like, you don't have like anything. It's just you have IBS with constipation. That's the worst combination of them.

Yeah, I know. And then I think it's just from stress and anxiety, though. And that's what the doctor, he was saying it's a somatoform disorder. It's even worse. I would stress out even more. It's like, so I'm creating this? Yeah, yeah. And then I just have aches and pains all the time because I'm running.

I'm just from injuries but yeah like the gi i just don't know how to and i feel like my stomach would look better too you know but i'm always fucking bloated like i always feel backed up like i always feel backed up isn't your your diet's gotten a lot better right my diet's always been like good pretty solid yeah yeah so i don't think it's that because I've cut out carbs and sugar. I pretty much just eat vegetables and meat. Yeah, and my dick's too big. So we both, I don't know. Is there something I can do about that or should I do something about that? Did you guys see the first penis and scrotum transplant?

Yes, at Hopkins. The first full penile transplant. Yeah. I hope it was like a black dick on a white dude Yeah I bet the white dude does too Yeah Alright yeah So yeah good luck with the podcast man

We would love to be a proper guest Yeah I would love that shit Alright nevermind Yeah I'm good We'll go into more In depth but yeah let's do some plugs For shows and what not Yeah, I'm good. I mean, well, I don't know. We'll go into more in-depth. But yeah, let's do some plugs for shows and whatnot. Andres, you got any shows you want to plug?

The second Saturday shit show coming up. On the 12th? Oh, yeah, I'm headlining that one. Oh, awesome. Yeah. Hell yeah, that's going to be a good one. Yeah. Yeah, so that is on the 12th, and that, what, starts at 7, I think? Yeah, at the Auto Bar here in Baltimore.

Let's see. And then Thursday before that, we're doing the Time Machine roast again, or plugging that again. The 10th, yeah. The 10th of May. Umar is going to be on that, so that's the roast where people are characters from throughout history. They roast each other, and who are you again, Umar?

Socrates. It's Umar? Socrates It's gonna be Socrates Oh shit, I have to write jokes for that Dishing out those sick burns And I'll be doing 10 minutes up top To open up the shoe Get them loose I'll be at the Avalon Theater

With Mike Fonazo On the 18th in Easton, Maryland And shout out to Mike Fonazo He made another movie called Bored in the USA With our buddy Chris Milner who was deported from the country

and Kelly Lloyd who's in the Baltimore Improv Group and that is going to be showing at the Senator Theater on June 7th. So get tickets for that.

It's at the Senator Theater. I think if you look up BoredintheUSA.com or BoredintheUSA.com movie, check that shit out. All right. Tuesday. Tuesday.

Tuesday. I feel like I'm doing a lot of shows this week. Okay. Tomorrow I will be at DC Draft House for Black Card Revoked. It's a brunch show. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, because this isn't going to come out till Monday. Oh, fuck. Well, who gives a fuck then about that?

Okay. Tuesday I am doing for the DC Improv their Kumite show at the DuPont Underground. Yep. Wednesday, I am doing

Overachievers at the Draft House DC. Great show. I think it might be sold out already. Thursday is Gin and Jokes. My show,

Joe Squared. It's going to be great. Friday, I am doing a feature spot at... Sorry, I farted. Did one of you fart? Yeah, I didared. It's going to be great. Friday, I am doing a feature spot at... Sorry, I farted. Did one of you fart? Yeah, I did fart. I did a...

I'm doing a... It smells like pure sulfur. Yeah. It's terrible. Yeah, I got GI issues. Yeah, get this guy one. And then Friday, I'm doing a feature set at Town Tavern in DC. Hell yeah.

Busy, busy week. Busy boy. It's going to suck. Yeah. I have so much work to do for my job and i'm driving to dc driving to dc one two three days next week dang dang making money dude so yeah hell yeah uh but yeah find us online uh on the social medias uh at josh caderno on twitter and instagram we have a facebook page for the dig Slash. Also on Twitter at Dig Slash Pod.

Say hi on the Facebook page. We like that. And David Koechner, take us out. Dig Russian Sessions! Coming to an end. Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah