The Digression Sessions - Ep. 251 - Jessica Murphy Garrett! (@jmoosegarrett)

Episode Date: May 9, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with their comedian buddy Jessica Murphy Garrett!  We talk to Jess about her parents, helping to found Single Carrot Theatre, comedy, and her preference for "wet towels." Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

TAGE NETWORK That's a Gotti. I haven't seen this guy in a minute. It smells great. Yeah, Umar is offering his recent notes on the Bible. Yes, there you go. If you want to check out these notes I took earlier on the good old Bible. Hey, hey, hey, I am sweaty.

Oh, did you shower too? Yeah, but like, you know when you shower and you're like rushing and you're just sweating? Yeah, you're not done. I just never dry. Yeah, I feel disgusting because i was sweating let me tell you you look thank you no you look great thank you jessica murphy garrett joining us on the pod today i don't think i've ever done the pod when you've been you've been a guest before yeah she's on back years ago back in the day with moran yeah long time ago nice jessica yeah and then you i think you moved away in that time right i moved away and you came back just to do this podcast you came back i did yeah

make sure you just glue that thing to your lip right yeah you gotta hold it um i moved to san diego for like seven eight months cool how was it it was i mean it's san diego so it's like no real complaints except that i have some complaints um zero complaints i lived there for six minutes and uh i mean i don't know i hardly ever drive here and i like it that way i like really walk in baltimore yeah that's a rare thing i think yeah it is i mean in terms of but it's so walkable when you're from the west and you move to the east that is yes things are so much closer together here right um and i like free exercise and being outside and so uh and then we should say that jessica is homeless and she enjoys it that way i'm a

i prefer vagrant lady vagrant lady vagrant um but san diego everything is so far apart that like doing you have to drive you have to drive and there were weeks where i spent three hundred dollars a week in gas just trying to do like oh because gas is nuts out there gas is nuts and everything is so far apart and i didn't have the community of knowing what mics I liked. So I had to do them all. And I did not. I thought I had put together a pretty good savings to move out there. And it was like gone.

Jesus. Yeah. I mean, gas just ate it up. So it was either don't do comedy or anything. 300 Week is like a lot of people's rent in Baltimore. I know. For the month. Yeah.

That's nuts. Isn't that crazy? Jesus. So you came back. So I came back. I also didn't. The weather's great. But when you can't mark time anymore.

Because there's no seasonal change. Yeah. That really affected me a lot. Really? Yeah. So you're just like. And you're like Christmas decorations for what? Yeah. yeah oh it's fucking christmas that's why yeah i heard it's a very like broey town it is kind of a broey town i was lucky that i lived a little

bit north of the city in like a very broey still but in a it was a solid beach vibe yeah time right because there's a military base there right military base there few universities so it's a real uh real trifecta of bro-iness coming together perfect storm there military yeah i forgot what comedian was but he said it was his worst place for him the worst place to perform just because he can never connect with anyone who's at the show it's hard yeah somebody's not and they're so far apart that there's so... No, it was a white guy. Like, there's never the same people. It's not like I would go for months

and maybe see... Like comic-wise? Yeah. Maybe see a few of the same people, but not enough to build relationships. Any rapport.

God damn. It was crazy. Gorgeous, though. Gorgeous. The weather, though? The weather, the people, the food. Right.

Burritos. And I'm, you know... Blink-182's hometown anybody anybody anybody yeah the food the food's great right okay so yeah so yeah you were a founding member of the single carrot theater which is a nice staple here in baltimore yeah you also it's weird because i remember when you like came on to the comedy scene i was just like who the fuck is this person also she's really fucking funny and it's like a you're it's like at a point where it's like you're annoyingly funny because i don't really i mean not that you don't work hard but like i don't see you at at mike's and then i'll see you like at a show and you just have a new chunk of like five ten minutes and it's great i'm like what the fuck is going and it's just like oh i should quit yeah i don't do mics that much anymore i you i have i have spells where

i'm like oh i need to go yeah like for a couple weeks you're a writer so that probably you know i'm a writer and i often like i also feel like there are shows where, I don't want to say this because it sounds, I don't want to say it anyway, obviously. But there are shows that have some of the same benefits as Mike's in the sense that if you've done them a bunch of times and you know the room and you know if it's safe to do something new. Right. Yeah. And you know if they're already feeling your brand and your style. Yeah, and you're already comfortable, too.

It's way different going into a room cold like, all right, fuck it, I'm just going to fuck around. There was one time me and you had the headline, that Canton show. Remember the one that Quinlan used to run upstairs? Oh, was that Quinlan or was that... I don't remember that. It was Quinlan. What room was that in Canton?

I don't know. I just remember it was horrible you go upstairs yeah some oyster place and no that was mount vernon that was good yeah no that's some bar in canton yeah i thought that one was with um fuck i'm blanking on his name stefan and uh those other guys was maybe i just remember resort comedy i think i did that one it was awful yeah it's not around canton is just not like canton fells point they're just not a yeah uh we want to go see a show kind of yeah i did i did one there probably at the same place or something very similar is upstairs

upstairs bar they had the tvs on and then the only audience members were people just got done playing kickball so like that's all they want to do is, like, just drink. And, like, you're having to, like, yell to get their attention. They want to flip cups. Yeah. And so do I. Flip the cups. And I think in neighborhoods like Fells and Fed Hill and Canton,

where their bars are full every night. They're crazy on weekends. But they're full all the time. I think comedy comedy and even live music to a certain extent plays so much better in a neighborhood where their weekends are pretty good their weekends are pretty much covered but they need something yep on a sunday or a tuesday or whatever yeah that's all it is just to get people out no one actually gives a shit about comedy no definitely not no they just want to sell beer and that's what they're doing the kickball people yeah yeah i remember that show

because uh one of the comics she uh when she was hosting and realized her parents were sitting in the front there weren't a lot of people that actually paying to yeah paying attention to comedy and uh she was doing bits about like dating and stuff and how like rough men can be when they're having sex and like mimed like how dudes will just like face her parents yeah and i didn't realize it because there's just two old people up front and i was like wow what show did they walk into wait she's talking about herself in front of her parents yes and how they fake she gets face fucked basically like guys like guys are like too aggressive because of porn and then she mimes like the mic like hitting her in the throat

repeatedly and then like yeah that's her parents it's like good christ oh my so when i went up i was like you guys enjoying the show or i'm nervous when i say fuck in front of my parents oh my god it's like what was it like to watch that they're like we're having fun okay okay all right okay oh my god have your parents ever seen you not for years uh when i didn did stand up in college she's like i don't talk to them i've been avoiding them when i was when i did comedy in college they would come a lot um but honestly i think like when i talk about it with my dad he's watching me as a theater actor for so long he's like honestly say whatever you want i the fact that i don't have

to watch you get like beat up and raped it's way better what is worse your daughter getting fake beat up and raped yeah play or her talking about actual getting aggressive blowjobs commit suicide and have an abortion he's also seen me commit suicide and have an abortion. Oh, my God. He's also seen me act. Yeah, so he's like, oh, this is great. This is a step up. I'm so relaxing. Look at it. She's smiling. I like that.

That's fun. Did you study theater? Did you go to college? I studied theater at college, yeah. And then you were like, I'm going to start it. How long until it took you to start that theater? She was like, one lucrative career to the next. To the next.

I know. My poor parents. doctor what oh my god and he's like you know that's why you're so smart yeah oh yeah my parents oh i have been tanning oh no you're talking about you know he's 70 and so and black docs his age just are pretty rare i mean oh no doesn't now hey benny carr what's up dude what's up dude but at that at that age like you know there just aren't that many and he's what kind of doctor again kidneys where he's an intern and she was like witch and uh not too many seven year old witch doctors. There really aren't. There should be more. But in Denver, dime a dozen of them. And your mother is white. My mother's

white and dead. Oh man. Oh, I didn't know that. Super white. How dead? Pretty, 10 years? Wow. She's pretty dead. Little bit, little bit. Super white. Her ground up teeth and hair and a little bag in my just those parts okay so ashes sure i don't know if you've ever seen ash even ashes no have you yeah well yeah

there's her mom's oh finally ground yeah you see shit yeah yeah they're like chunkier than that so i think of it as being her teeth okay it. It's her bones, I'm sure. It's the bones that are going to be there. You could make a necklace if you wanted to. You probably. It's more like gravel. Oh. Right. Right.

That's why they tell you, like, don't go, like, in the movies when they, like, open the urn and, yeah. It's related. Yeah. Don't. It's not going to be, like, a beautiful. Spread the ashes. No.

It's going to come right. Hard rocks are going to come right back in your face. Don't do that. Hard bone rocks. I think that's one time where it's just totally okay to lie to your relatives when they're like, spread my ashes behind you. Like, yeah, totally. I'll do that.

And then like, don't do it. Don't. Well, what I did is... I just threatened to haunt them though if they don't... They make these urns out of like paper mache essentially that you can just like float on the ocean. And so you float her off to sea and then i have a little velvet pouch of the leftover like in the milkshake when they give

you a little yeah it's like that and i have that in a velvet pouch and i can take that anywhere so anywhere just a little piece of her yeah anywhere i'm going some anytime i'm going someplace cool like on vacation or whatever i can take her with me and so now she's been to like london and turkey and nice damn yeah and mother's day is coming up too so that'd be a fun picture like you want a bench with the pouch here's a food market with your mom's ashes and she complains about her entree i'm sorry send it back the velvet pouch wants to send it back. The Velvet Pouch wants to send it back. And what did your mother do? She was a teacher. Oh, wow. No wonder you're so cool.

Noble profession. Teacher and doctor. And the fact that your dad must be so. Not only is it hard to be a doctor today, but a black doctor back then to make it through all that. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's hard what do your parents do uh my dad nothing crazy my dad is an auditor for the state of maryland

so he has his mba and then my mom just always worked like retail and odd jobs yeah because she didn't have a she went to college in pakistan but it doesn't translate here so but my dad did his math yeah do you think about those are real are real colleges. We know that. He got his master's degree here when he was brand new to the country. And English, even to this day, I just can't imagine how he wrote papers because I have to write stuff for him and edit stuff for him. Yeah. And there's no in word. He's doing that on a typewriter.

So the typewriter's like, hey, motherfucker, did you mean to say reconcile? Yeah. And my dad has no little red yeah like no networks and he had to figure it out all himself like oh my god i'm such a piece of shit all the time like i know i feel that dude like sometimes i just make up that i have shows because i don't want to see them jesus i'm doing uh fuck you dad in D.C. tonight. It's a really popular show. Super packed. I do.

I feel like my dad's like an amazing person and I often feel like a massive piece of shit. Like this can't be what you wanted. Right. You're like, you know. Does he give you shit for it or is he supportive? No, he's pretty supportive. I mean, he's he you know, he lets me know when he's disappointed and everything. But he's pretty interested in a lot of different things. I think he likes the comedy theater thing because it's so far from what he did that he has a genuine interest.

Whoa, that's nice. It's got to be fun for him either way to see you up there. I think he enjoys it and i think every now and then he'll meet somebody like someone will come a doc will come from hopkins to his hospital or something and they will have heard of single carrot or something and it like yeah his mind is like tight that's cool i mean does your dad kind of know like how much of a staple single care is in baltimore i think he has some idea yeah um and he likes it out here here and his wife joyce really seem to enjoy coming out here and yeah are we cool with her joyce is awesome

okay she's the denveriest thing that is she like super granola hippie super granola nutritionist oh great and a hypnotherapist. Oh, my God. Does she have crystals and stuff? She does have crystals. Absolutely. Absolutely, yeah. What do crystals do?

All her clothes are flowing. What's going on with their chakras? They open? Aligned? How are we doing? They are supremely open. Perfect. She puts flax and everything.

She's amazing. Yeah, crystals are supposed to be something with energy or something. Some people, like one teacher put crystals all around her kids' chairs and stuff. I don't know, to help them pay attention or something. And when she told me that, I was like, yeah, don't tell people that. Especially in Baltimore City. Yeah, like what? My brother's girlfriend wasn't allowed to read Harry Potter because it's witchcraft.

And that's like a very like in religious communities. And Baltimore is a pretty religious town, especially in the black community. It's a pretty religious city, I feel like. God damn. Did you guys grow up religious? No. No, no, no. Well, kind of.

You didn't? No. The only time I went to church is when I stayed at somebody's house on a Saturday night. And then you didn't have to go. Yeah, the next day. I'm in like a Pantera shirt. I'm like, and God is good. My parents tried hardcore.

They're very secular, but every Muslim kid is supposed to read the Quran in Arabic for some stupid reason. Because God is that much of an asshole. That's the real Quran. Yeah. God is that much of an asshole yeah it like god is that much of an asshole where he's like yeah you have to read it in the language it was written because apparently apparently they're the direct words of god the quran yeah yeah for sure makes sense and it was pretty passive-aggressive of allah to be like i wrote it backwards

you gotta flip it the other way fam and flip that shit i'm God yeah and so you have to read it in the language it's written but I can't understand it so I can read it but I can't understand it so I don't understand the point of me reading it right you know it makes no sense I thought I'd be like well you need to double down and really get into it yeah no so

so most kids finish by the time they're like 6, 7 like dude me and my brother like we would go to the mosque are they just finished by the time they're like six seven like dude me and my brother like we would go are they just faking it though they're like oh yeah no you have to read in front of somebody and like this guy called amalvi which is like our priest and they're like oh i think you've talked about this yeah these bearded fucking dudes and uh they're whatever like what the last time i went to the picture them on like cnn you know you get like a chiron it's like your name and what you do it's just like amal the bearded fucking guy that reads you the fucking thing and like uh

i mean you know i was an atheist from a young age but uh so like you'd either go to the mosque we'd go every day after school and like i just hate it i never fit in so we complain we're like fuck this mom we don't want to do it because that's how we talked back then sure yeah you were cool rocking your food so then they uh we stopped for years and then they're like, no, you have to do it because we're going to go to hell if you don't. And I'm like, okay. It's like, Omar, it's kind of, you know,

you're fucking us. Yeah. So then they hired a dude to come to our house to read to us like four days a week. Yeah. And we would like hide from him and stuff because when our parents weren't home, we would just run to our friends' homes

and watch him like knock on our door and drive away. Yeah, I bet they were so embarrassed. Oh, yeah, and because they paid so much money. Sure, yeah. And so how old were you guys at that point? I was like 15 when we finished. Dude, if I did that to like, if I got guitar lessons as a kid

and then it was like watching from the neighbors, we're like, oh, you can't get in. My parents would be pissed. They'd be like, I'm $75. And your parents are like, we are go to hell yeah yeah answer the door we need to get into the kingdom of heaven yeah and then like you know after that i was just like guys i hate this and they're like whatever so okay yeah that's a yeah but don't they kind of turn a blind eye to some stuff that like you just don't talk about it like they about my behaviors oh yeah

i mean well like you know they know that I'm an atheist and I drink in front. I do. The only thing I lie to my parents about is eating pork. Right. Okay. That's what it was. For some reason that like. That's the one.

Good for them, though. They're like, we're going to hold on to something. God damn it. Dude, one time a woman in our family died. She married in. She was a white woman. And so, you know, like we're at our. It's like, Omar, did you hear?

She died eating pork barbecue disgusting she was eating ribs ribs killed her and so I get at you know the family on our side the guy his wife who died we were at his house or they were there and I guess like her family ordered pizza for everyone

they ordered pepperoni and one of my cousins who's also an atheist and kind of distanced himself from the family like he was eating a piece of pepperoni pizza in front of like my whole family and they were so offended to the point where my mom called me and told me she's like please tell me you don't eat pork and i'm like i don't yeah never once i don't have a mouth full of pork yeah i would never eat that delicious stuff no are you crazy not at all i just do other never mind yeah almost slipped no yeah my uh my mom grew up uh she was catholic but that was it was never like forced it was never like you need to go to church on sunday

and then my dad was jewish and then of course became an atheist i feel like as most jewish people do yeah and then so it's pretty much like, oh, you're good. Or you go to birthright and you become an insane person. And Israel can do no wrong. Well, I think some people do birthright, too, just to go and be like, I'm going to have sex. You know what I mean? There's a camp aspect.

Exactly, yeah. So you grew up atheist? No, I would say I grew up pretty agnostic. My parents were both really religious growing up and so they kind of were like we would not do that to our kids my mom stayed irish catholic chicago suburbs the whole nine she actually went to the convent when she was a teenager for like a year or two she was a postulate a nun in training uh-huh and then she met your dad she was like fuck all this god shit yeah this black guy yeah oh my god no she uh her parents kind of made her

do it as a punishment and she drove her dad's car into a ditch and it was a whole thing and they her dad took her to court when she was like 15 or 16. What the fuck? He sued his own daughter? Yeah. And the judge was like, this is not none of my business. Like, what are we all doing here? In the case of fucked up dad versus child, I find this to be terrible. Sir, you're just a bad father. The court finds you to be a dick? Yeah. And so he said, you know, you can go live with your sister in California or you can... It sounds like a bad movie.

Yeah. Her childhood is so... You can either go to jail or go to... I don't know. You know what? Fine. You can spend the rest of your life in the basement or go to a water park. You decide, Missy. know what fine you can spend the rest of your life in the basement or go to a water park you decide missy you can either work for horses in this uh your mom uh distance relative ranch or you can go

to jail which is the actual nickelodeon show oh is that an actual show is that like dude ranch no it was this other show called like oh hey way or something it was like really late on like when nickelodeon we were like probably middle school like a work study thing no it was like really late on like when nickelodeon we were like probably middle school like a work study thing no it was like this punk girl who had like a leather jacket with like gamble and stuff and like you know like that's how you made any kid back in the day look bad you just wore a leather jacket and maybe had like a purple streak in your head yeah your hair had to be fucked up a little bit yeah and you wore, yeah. And you wore black lipstick. And so she got caught gambling and skipping school. And so it was either she goes to Juvie or she goes and lives on her mom's cousin's ranch

and then takes care of a horse. Yeah, and gets to ride horses. Like, that's like... Yeah. What? I would just like... Yeah, just send me to Juvie for two years. Who gives a fuck?

I don't want to go live in Montana with these assholes. That's so terrible. And then there was a movie where a girl, either she goes to jail or has to join some gymnastics team. That was a movie. That sounds okay. Yeah, I feel like that's also, there's another movie with Joaquin Phoenix.

It's like, you can go to jail or you can join the reserves. And he's like, I'll join the reserves. I'm going to go ahead. Anyway, that's your mom's childhood. You become a nun or you go to jail. That's it. And then she didn't, you know, she never got the call from Jesus. Yeah.

So once she turned 17 or 18, she was like, I don't think this is for me. Yeah. Phone ring. She's like, Jesus? He's like, no, this is a black guy. Oh, cool. All right. I like that.

Medical resident in Albuquerque. I't know oh my god gets you going but it should should it really should very impressive oh that's so cool man yeah and how did you make it out to baltimore though from albert wait where'd you grow up so, it's Denver. My parents met in Albuquerque. My dad was, my dad's roommate was my mom's friend from college. Your dad's roommate was your mom's friend from college. So she went out to go visit her college friend. Oh, and they met your dad. And then, you know. Damn, I love that. Hell yeah.

And then they were long distance for a bit. They were long distance. They were both married. Yes. But separated. Oh, okay. Never mind. hell yeah and then they like were long distance for a bit they were long distance they were both married yes it gets oh okay well my dad was separated and my my mom was my mom i guess was not legally married she'd just been living with a guy for however long your mom drove that marriage into a ditch she really did and i think there's a lot of like guilt because of the marriage and also he's paraplegic so he really, not my dad, the man before him. Oh my god. Why wouldn't you cheat on that guy?

He took care of him. Sure. Yeah, he became paraplegic after she drove a car to a day she was a passenger. But the big lore about my mom and Jim is that she came home from one of these Albuquerque excursions and said,

you might have to bleep me. I don't know how this works. No, this is a Christian program. And said, she was getting into bed and Jim said, is that the hair of a nigger on your nightgown? Oh. Wow. And then my mom left. That's the lore.

Woo. And then my parents got married dang so holy shit like it's already super difficult he's like let me just sprinkle some racism in here you know you know what no one feels bad because before i bet our listeners are feeling bad for this paraplegic but he's a racist piece of shit yeah he ruined it he had such a good point of being like you are a cheater right but he really undermined his own point see this is why you got open mics you work it out you got a workshop i love that your dad and your mom got into it so hard that a little bit of his hair was left on her neck he's a shedder oh yeah oh dude me too me too when i get when i get done

having sex with a girl and you just look at her body, you're like, oh. Oh, dang. Too much. Yeah. Shedding all over, huh? I'm a furry boy, you know? It's a bummer. Yeah, especially in the summer.

You're really losing that stuff, huh? Got to go over you with a comb. Shedding your top coat. Yeah, exactly. Get one of those gloves that has a little comb in it. And then so your mom just left that night? I mean, who knows? It probably was a much longer experience. Is that the hair has a little comb in it. And then so your mom just left that night? I mean, who knows? It probably was a much longer experience.

Is that the hair of a... Sure. Yeah. So then they moved to... My dad was doing his residency in Albuquerque, and then he got a job in Denver. Yeah. I heard the lore was she was like, that's the hair of a doctor. And slammed the door.

That's what I heard. An N-word doctor. Which are rare. Yeah. Sorry. I was going to say something even worse. Oh, go ahead. I didn't, though, because that would be...

No, say it. I know, because I can say the N-word. Yeah, I can. The word I was going to say, I cannot say. Why? Because... You're a half-black woman. Yeah.

You can say anything. No, I can't. For those listening at home home she is currently drawing a lot though yeah she's not allowed not allowed oh she's writing something on the board k i can't lawyer i mean lawyer oh my god all right we're getting into it so then they moved to denver and are you an only child yes oh yeah yeah eat her come on um i had my whole life's a stage my my parents took in a lot of my cousins when i was growing up so i often and my dad's been married like 800 times so i've often

had sibling type figures like gotcha right did your parents divorce while they you were a child yes oh and then he went met a bunch of people he did nice good hey good for him a handsome black doctor you know tall real real tall moving around that's great ladies like them tall which is great for me and Umar. We're like 6'9", 6'19". I mean, together, you're at least 6'9". You should see us in a trench coat when we go to rated R movies. Dude, I met one time two years ago. I matched with a lawyer on Tinder who was like 6'3 or something.

Oh, that's tall. She used to play basketball in college. And I was like, nothing about this match will make sense. Like, you make way more money than I do. You're way more successful than I am.

Yeah, on paper, you're already intimidating. And you're way taller than me. And then you're looking up and you're like, do you want to split the check? I'm 63 is really tall. It's tall.

I'm tall enough where I notice when a woman is taller. Yeah, and she's a good looking like white blonde woman. But the thing was, she's a really big comedy fan and she was like uh the first question was like where are their good shows and i was like oh you're using me for oh no you don't actually want to go on a date yeah yeah we didn't we didn't go on a date we never even went on a date no and we run into

each other and we'll talk to each other and it's fine but yeah i mean i don't care now it wouldn't work out you know it would probably bother me the height thing would you date do you date dudes who are because you're tall i'm tall i like as long as we're in general like eye contact level yeah okay i couldn't look up at my girl if i couldn't be like hi yeah i could be like are you hungry i'm hungry and i would say like 5 10 is probably okay okay i consider us to be in the same height range gotcha okay and i mean who knows you know if if the right tiny man yeah but in terms of like people i'm immediately attracted to look at you oh man has that ever been an issue like issue? Like you go on a date.

Have you ever went on a first date and you're like, oh, he's a little too short? No, not to the point where I wouldn't go on another date. Damn, you're a good person. But in your head when you're making a pros cons list, it would make its way onto that list. But it's never been like the thing that weighted it yeah one way ironically that's casting a wide shadow or a long shadow shallow things though that are on the cons list oh that's really i don't even think means it's shallow because like you know like because a lot of women i've talked to a lot of women who say when they roll up on a date and the dude short of them

immediately like fuck this if i was like 5 8 or 5 nine or a kind of tall woman maybe but some of us don't have that oh gotcha gotcha dating in baltimore's your pool of good dudes is so low and then like if i was to be like six one or above please yeah i would not have sex for years i love that your pros and cons this is just out of necessity which you should be yeah that is fucked up that women can do that too like guys are like hey no fatties like that's disgusting how dare you and then they're like anybody above 5'8 can or below 5'8 can fuck off yeah i appreciate that because i'm like okay you're a jerk everybody knows it next yeah it's out there that makes you a jerk no it's to say no fatties oh that yeah that makes you a jerk okay i mean i don't know you said i

have a type my type is this yeah i don't think that's a bad thing no sure sure yeah i don't think so no i'm just saying it goes the other way where like women like you need to respect me i'm your equal but then they're also like i don't want this none of that yeah don't even look at me weird to like have you looked at like women's tinder oh stuff. And I had only done that recently. Like seeing what it's like to be a. How was it? No, I didn't flip it for me. I was just looking at a friend.

Oh, okay. We like switched phones. Oh, yeah. Did you swipe for each other? Yeah, we did. And then the two of you fell in love. Coming this fall. What's funny is that neither of us got many matches at all.

You've got a match. St jessica murphy garrett this fall love lights a match uh wait so what was your takeaway from seeing women's profiles um so they're lame huh no just kidding they are i mean they are but everyone is you know there's a generic set of things that are terrible sure so many yoga photos yeah i feel like that completely defeats the purpose of yoga i mean you can show off that you're fit and cute that's sure but i like yeah it's a very ego-driven thing to do that yeah but that's what it's about you're supposed to be like i'm hot no an adventure i know yeah right what that means what does that mean it's a definitely a white girl saying i will say

that uh my actually my ex-girlfriend who's into yoga she would say that like life's an adventure and i'm like what is that she's like well anything could be an adventure i'm like then nothing yeah but it's just like a lot of women and men they just latch on to sayings that don't mean shit, but they make it sound like you're this enlightened fucking person. And when you're just like, you're just a lost soul. Also, you're trying to be like, I'm not just here to hook up. I want to go on an adventure. We're going to experience something together. Adventure.

Adventure for women is work hard, play hard for dude. That's great. nobody told you to not say that yeah but my new thing my work-life balance is really important so much is the and i'm sure women do it too uh but i with men i just want to like punch their stupid faces is um be taking their all their photos in the driver's seat of the car with their seat belts yes oh interesting women don't do that that much I see it a lot on my instagram like under the chin like yeah so yeah yeah nobody looks good from a down angle it's so weird yeah like nobody is the car thing so they can show off their car or because

I don't know because they're bored or they're bored yeah show off their car? I think it's because, I don't know, because they're bored? They're bored, yeah. Oh, okay. Or something? You shouldn't, I think, a rule of thumb, do not use a selfie for your dating app pictures. It makes you look, it's just never a good look. It makes you look like you're a vain person. Yeah.

And, I don't know, show a picture of you doing cool shit, like where you like to hang out. What you do. Your friends and shit like that. Because, like, I don't know, show a picture of you doing cool shit, like where you like to hang out. What you do. Your friends and shit like that. Because I don't want... But that's stage two, though. Because you're like, look at me. I'm a value. I do cool stuff.

For sure. You're putting your best work either way. Exactly. There's a very good reason that I put a picture of me playing guitar to a preschool class or me on stage in front of like 200 people i remember when you posted that picture i was like wow umar is leaning in here little kids playing guitar like dude i posted ovaries are just melting i put that picture on bumble i literally within an hour got four matches yeah sure it's crazy and i don't know like makes sense with

bumble and we can only reach out to you yeah so it's a better way to date i think so i prefer bumble data shows that when women initiate it's more it lasts longer that makes sense yeah because i've heard that like a lot of strategy for guys is that they'll just match everybody so the thing then they get to choose dude yeah there's uh i would do that on bumble because there's no um yeah which makes sense incentive to swipe left yeah same with uh with tinder tim miller had that joke he's like yeah tinder it's just you know you like swipe right on people and you like and they goes yeah and then you can swipe left i don't know what that does i've never done it so yeah i've seen friends do that too where they're not even like we're having a conversation

they're like looking at me and they're just swiping and um yeah uh if you swipe if you swipe right like a like in a row they'll just like they'll be like all right you're done for 12 hours gotcha so they got yeah wow so if you're a dude with bumble then does your phone just like randomly keep blowing up like every no i barely got matches so i don't know what it's like for dude who actually gets matches but it's like but i mean i've never had matches don't come when you actually sometimes they do it's just already seen it's just like tinder it's just like tinder but the women message yeah they're like hey we like you yeah yeah i wanted to do a bit about this because my friend ryan was like i think like women are just into like

talking about their day and like having somebody to like connect with yeah and dudes are just like so are we gonna go to a bar like i was just fishing because for us like yeah let's hook up and they're like oh my god so yeah let me tell you about today like oh yeah sure, yeah, sure. And it's like, so you won't believe what Cindy said. And then there was traffic. I'm done. I got to go by for them. They're like, yeah, a lot of my friends have gotten on there just after after breakups, just to boost their self-esteem with no intention of going on dates, which is fine.

Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's better to do that than to like go to a bar and actually like engage with somebody and then be like never mind yeah right yeah yeah no yeah you don't want guys being like what the fuck dude in real life yeah oh god what it's just scary enough like yeah i was messaging with some guy i don't know like two years ago and i got on the bus and i like put it away and took out a book and then i got off the bus and the string of messages yo what the fuck happened to you where

and i thought we were and i was like it's been like 20 minutes dude there is such a problem that is i think a lot of people who lack social skills and are kind of they're the ones that really go you know because none of me well i mean not that i know i've talked to women that way online but it is so common it's like every single woman has dealt with it with most of their matches but you're lucky too that it wasn't going really well and you're like you know what yeah let's meet for coffee tomorrow like luckily that happened so you're like oh that guy's fucking crazy i don't have to it's like a two-day pause like fuck you you whore.

Like, before, it's just like, I love you. And then, like, my one friend ended up responding to that. She's like, hey, you know what? Like, my mom died, and I was taking care of stuff. So blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. And she's like, no, dude, go fuck yourself. Yeah, no, no, no.

It's like, whatever, bitch. Fuck you. Fucking mom. Glad you did. So you won't ever meet up with that kind of person, right? No. No, they're still together till this day right yeah you're gonna tell that story at your wedding you still

just text with him you should fuck with him send him a text like well that's like a whole movement now is these dudes that are in cell have you heard of that no i don't know what in cell means in cell it's short it's short for involuntarily celibate yeah invol Yeah. So meaning you just can't get laid. Yes. And so it's these two. Yeah, we've had a word for that. Cool guys, right? Nerd. But yeah, they have like a whole community online, which seems kind of antithetical to the community

because you're like, yeah, I wish we could fuck. Oh, this sucks. You want to hang out and talk about how we don't fuck? Like, shouldn't you want to get out there and try to meet people? Don't hang out with a bunch of people who don't fuck. It's like, you want to be a better comic, hang out and talk about how we don't fuck like shouldn't you want to like get out there and try to meet people don't hang out with a bunch of people who don't fuck that's not it's like yeah be a better comic hang out with better comics don't hang out with comics you suck like you about these groups called sucks yeah it's just these open mic's that get together and talk about how they suck the whole goal is like how they think sex should be distributed in a like a currency

wait they think it should be even like it should be socialist sex oh that's so funny yeah I mean they think that there should be you guys are such capitalists with those sweet pussies of yours Jessica that's what we all class warfare on that

I'm a socialist and you know I go to Red Emma's and all those women keep all their pussies to themselves listen i'm incels you know what i say spread the wealth and spread them legs that is not a real argument is it a real argument yeah it's the um the guy who they like deserve it is what they think right so far what two mass murderers have there was one in canada there's one in canada right identified with this group and now like the heroes yeah which again is so weird it's like you hate being this but yet you celebrate your group it's yeah it's so bizarre yeah god damn it oh man it's so hard

like you want to defend like uh i think it's we kind of went a little overboard with just bashing men. But then maybe you hear this stuff in your life. Maybe not. Maybe not at all. We've gone far enough. Right. Yeah. I just don't understand celebrating it, though.

That is crazy. If we start with a shitty comic analogy, like if somebody's like, yeah, they tried to book me for a weekend, but fuck that, I'm a shitty comic. Or like you bomb a feature set you're like i bombed like that's our boy he bombed you know like work on yourself make your life that's the biggest thing i learned well not but uh on loveline i used to listen do you remember loveline i do remember yeah umar and i are big uh love huge love it changed my life it's why i'm a psychologist and uh um really yeah i don't when i go back and listen it's like obviously i don't agree with a

lot of things they say but it's a very informative show but one thing i remember them talking about is like all these people would call up like either they're broken up with or they're virgins and adam gave the best advice he's like dude there's nothing that you can do with like in terms of your game blah blah it's like you just have to make your like you have to focus on yourself and make your life more attractive to other people and bring people to you yeah and that is i think like that is like pat oswald said that too same thing it's like once you find the thing that you're enjoying people will actually see it on you like oh this guy has a thing yeah this person and then that's attractive no i completely agree I think it sounds cliche, but the most attractive thing in a person, other than being tall, obviously.

Ah, shit. Is seeing someone doing something that they're good at and that they enjoy doing. Yeah. Boom. Yeah. That's a woman saying that, everybody. All right. I'm just kidding.

No, and same for guys. It doesn't matter how good looking you are. If you're just floating through life. Or if you're boring and you don't have hobbies. That's the kind of person you can date for, like, a couple weeks. Yeah, if you want to have sex with them, it's great. And because you want to have sex with them, and you're attracted to, like, this idea of, like,

oh, maybe we can all be so carefree. Maybe we don't have problems. And that's really intoxicating for maybe 10 days have you felt you fell in that trap with like guys who are just like oh dude I'm so laid back every now and then it's like this person has no problems so

maybe if I associate with them I will also have no problems sure I'll glom onto that and that in itself isn't a problem I'm not codependent. No. Oh, yeah. It's just crazy.

You date people and just like, especially the restaurant world. That's where like a lot of degenerates hang out, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, well, there's definitely you can have some predators being like managers and shit like that. No, I just mean in terms of like in living like in insane life where you're just like oh because you're out every yeah but like it's like a thursday like can you come hang out i'm like i cannot it's 11 45 what you're just starting to hang out like yeah we just left the

uh we were just we just finished the bottle at the restaurant now we're gonna go uh go to this bar and i'm like yeah no but that's also like a thing for when you're in your 20s like that doesn't last versus my age well they're not doing great i mean it when you're in your 20s. Like that doesn't last. This person's my age. Well, they're not doing great. I mean, it should only be in your 20s. You know what I mean? Like there's a time and place for that, I think. But yeah, if you're like 35 and you're just like, yeah, you know, the party doesn't get started until like three in the morning.

Oh my God. I try. Single Carrot had a reunion like a year ago and we brought all the like founding members out for a little show and it was so much fun but I thought I was gonna die like drinking every night and just like eating shit food and not sleeping

I was at my desk every day like pounding an ass and then they're like and we're like no we get out of college early night tonight well you know there's only two nights left let's go crazy and i was like that's i mean the amount of time seven or eight years is sure oh my god now yeah now i'm yeah now i'm like all right now i gotta have at least like a one water for every drink that i have gotta really balance it out so yeah because yeah the following

day i'm like jesus christ i'm a fucking idiot i gave up i mean it's been a lot like two two and a half months i just gave it up because i was just tired of like feeling like shit when i wake up yeah it's and so it's great not drinking it's uh it's awesome yeah yeah i've enjoyed like cutting back though it's been nice if you have like two or three beers and you're like all right i never grew up drinking like uh in college or anything. Oh, wow. And the most I drank, honestly, is probably these last three years. Yeah. Probably the most I've partied, went out and drank.

I went to a very party college. Oh, were you a partier? No, not really. But I feel like that was the whole deal. I went to CU Boulder, and it was kind of insane. It was just like a big state school oh right right like is that right by the mountains yeah it's boulder is kind of where the flat ends and the mountains begin it really butts right up against the foothills and yeah it's a beautiful school it's an awesome school yeah i hear boulder is really cool but it's the boulder life is a lot of drinking

sure yeah it's just tough yeah umbc yeah i didn't really drink too much as a teenager like you know definitely had like some nights where it's probably too much but it wasn't like you know those kids you go to school like we got a 30 pack of natty light like oh that's disgusting yeah but then when you get to college it's like oh I'm going way too hard because you didn't know, like, you know, you weren't doing it early on. That's a very normal trajectory. Yeah. Like, what people do after they leave college, like, they really tone down.

Yeah. And this was right when Facebook was coming on for everybody. And it was just the worst time that they're like, let's all take pictures of us fucked up and looking at our worst. Yes. And then, like, people just posting like all like i took 95 pictures so i'm gonna post 95 pictures 95 pictures of you in a shitty basement holding a red cup yeah exactly kids are so dumb there was no editing so they'd be like hey you're like

kids at my school use social media for like in the dumbest like they'll just get caught like dude first of all like every high school kid in like baltimore city for some reason needs to be live all the time so like kids will sit in class facebook live on facing them just them getting lectured at or like with like work in front of them and they're just like i'm like what are you guys doing? What do they capture? They're like, listen to this dumb teacher bitch. Yeah. Like, like, like, like, like. Wow. It's so.

That's crazy. Dude, the phones are out of control. Like, dude, they'll post. Like, one. I found out one of my girls fought because at Madaman Mall. Because everyone posted that shit up on Instagram. And the girl was proud of it. She's like, yeah, kicked her ass. And I was like, now.

Well, yeah, guess what, dude? Now we're in a meeting. There's a police officer here, you idiot. it's crazy man yeah i don't i the romanticizing youth like there's no way i would go back to that i oh yeah in your 30s is amazing getting older is amazing yeah if you have your shit together getting getting older is amazing. It's quite nice. Yeah. I'm just like, you know what? Especially a woman.

You never want to go back to middle school, right? Well, no, but I don't love hearing about my eggs drying up either. All right. Well, I guess. An ideal situation. You shouldn't have looked at our list of topics. Yeah, yeah. Anyway.

Okay. We wanted to round out the show on that, but that's fine. Yeah. So, Jessica, your eggs are good? I've got a few good ones left. You guys want to party? Yeah, dude. Me and my girl are going to go make a blue apron.

Otherwise, I'll take a rain check. Speaking of getting older, I'm yuppie as fuck. I worked from home today, went for a run, and now I'm going to podcast with me and my lady and make a blue apron to take the dog for a walk. Baltimore restaurants are failing. Yeah, I'm the reason. You see for a walk baltimore restaurants are failing yeah yeah i'm the reason you see that i saw that oh my god that i couldn't i i was saving the uh i like to um treat uh any sort of even semi-controversial thing that a comedian posts oh yeah as its own separate facebook and like catch up on it in one

sitting where i can read like 800 comments. I'm a straight asshole on Facebook. So I do like to, somebody said to me recently, like, uh, they're like, dude,

you're such an asshole on Facebook. You're so nice to person. And I'm like, I don't even think, eh, whatever. But no. So this article,

the sun wrote today, uh, which they did no research because three people contacted me and told me like, Oh yeah, that one restaurant in there, they closed because the management was awful. Oh, isn't it just about like mass restaurant? So like a bunch of restaurants that once closed in Baltimore City and they interviewed the restaurants that closed and it got blamed on the crime, lack of parking or expensive parking, which county people do complain about a lot and

um millennials not being cheap and not like going out to eat also what the fuck we're supposed to go out every single night shut the fuck up and now we get millennials for buying not expensive nonsense and not buying maybe i don't want to pay 18 for a waffle you cunts yeah like you know like that's crazy yeah uh but also there's a bunch of restaurants like i point out like clavelle is for county people in a very scary neighborhood yeah it's really parking's not good in remington like there's still crime it's not a super safe like woodberry berries tucked away in this haven of whatever. And the drinks are expensive. Yeah, so like that trifecta is there and they crush it. They love it.

Clavel is packed every night. And it's a diverse ass group of people. Like it's crazy. Like economic and like regional wise. No, it's pretty, yeah. For like a hot new restaurant. Yeah. It is pretty.

So it's like, I don't know. There's just tons of stuff that's doing well though if it's good people are gonna find out about yeah like the corner charcuterie uh you're in the same street with food market assholes what's your excuse yeah what's your excuse yeah like even the five and yeah they closed yeah good and you know why the the owner dick oh really yeah and i heard shows there right yeah one show and i never will work for them ever again that was a fun show oh i was so stressed and then i got blacked out drunk it was one of the one of the only times i've been blacked out i've told i've told on this uh the

story on this podcast before but how i knew that umar was super drunk or the next day because i was like wow he seemed pretty drunk and then you're like yeah dude i blacked out i threw up and i was like oh that makes sense because umar was really weird about performing with uh in short sleeves you'd always have a long sleeve on because he was like well he's just uncomfortable about showing his hair on his arms like he thought people would look at these are trimmed right now and so uh yeah we had to start a half hour late because he had to trim one arm but uh umar was on stage and you had your sleeves rolled up and i was like proud of him i was like damn look at you yeah i was like yeah he's growing

and then and then i told him the next day and he grabbed my arm he's like no i did like i told him he like killed somebody he's like what no i did it what yeah i'm self-conscious about my hair it's all but now you do it you roll up your sleeves now i trim my arms out? What? Yeah, I'm self-conscious about my hair. But now you do it. You roll up your sleeves now. I trim. My arms are trimmed. My whole body's trimmed. Except for my...

I need someone to do my back. I'm going to ask Evan if he wants to trim my back hair. Dang. That's... I trim all my stomach, chest hair. Slippery slope, the pubes over there. Leg hair, whatever. But pubes, gone.

I just go bare with the pubes. What about ass hair? Who's taking care of that? Leave that. Leave that. Got to give the ladies something, I guess. No one's... You think I should go bare with the pubes. What about ass hair? Who's taking care of that? Leave that. Leave that. Got to give the ladies something, I guess. You think I should take care of my ass hair? No.

Well, it depends. It depends. The trend I have found as a sexually semi-active person is to write political messages on your butt and your hair. You're like, free trade now. Yes. political messages on your butt your hair you're like free trade now yes uh i've had multiple men say to me like at least three or four on the first sexual encounter eat my ass first one they ask you to eat their ass hell they tell you i mean i i'm like i'm not doing that sounds like a boyfriend

question yeah oh my god we haven't even had dinner, so. Yeah. Dang. Whoa. And he's like, I know. That's because you're going to eat my ass. Wait, so they're going to be hungry. You're supposed to eat my ass.

At what point is it like you're already hot and heavy? Yeah, I mean. Or you're at dinner and you're like, I want you to eat my ass later. We're definitely in a bedtime situation. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's still. Bernstein Bear books are out.

Harry. No Harry Potter. Harry Potter. It's witchcraft. So I would say if that's your game, then you should because then the person would be more related.

Eating ass made a comeback. It really is. I'm into it. I don't have any problem with it. I just think it's like, that's an easer inner. It's a relationship or you know this person well thing i would have to be like i know that you showered you know what i mean no sometimes you're

just like sure but you're not starting there no no no no yeah but but also it's okay to ask but do you think it's okay on a first date or is that weird i mean i guess it's okay to ask for anything on a first date yeah if you're in? I mean, I guess it's okay to ask for anything on a first date. Yeah, if you're in that situation. If you're in that situation, but I do think... I don't know. I like to like sprinkle it in there. If you want to increase your odds...

So I think I'm going to get the Cobb salad. Do you want to eat my ass? I don't even know. Are we going to... Okay. Did you want a cocktail? Or are we going to eat my ass? Yeah.

No, bro. No? Okay. We'll circle back. We'll circle back. Put it in the parking lot. Put a pit in that. You eat my ass. Anyway, where back put it in the parking lot put a bit in that you eat my ass anyway where'd you go to college i do think eat my ass university you know the more strategic you are in asking about it the more likely you're gonna get it so i don't i guess i don't understand the logic of being like what we're kissing oh definitely eat right right the likelihood i'm gonna do it i okay i have i'll

tell an embarrassing hookup story sure i like it or as umar calls it i don't know stories whatever uh i uh was on a it was a first date and it was interesting because like i met this person at like a show and at first it was just like, Oh, let's just hang out as friends. And then it was just like, Oh yeah. Like what are we? We're being stupid.

So we're like hooking up, it's getting hot and heavy. And we're like, and she's like, we're talking dirty to each other. And, uh, uh,

I'm, you know, she's asking like stuff like that. I want to do, or I like to do. And I said like, Oh, I run. Yeah. I like to listen to podcasts

wait what are we talking about i go to the farmer's market on sunday what do i like uh i like therapy yeah no and uh so you know i was like yeah i want to eat your ass or something like that and she's like whoa and so I was like, yeah, I want to eat your ass or something like that. And she's like, whoa. And it was like a screeching halt. She's like, God, I would hate to be here. She was like, that just seems like, I don't know, like too far for where we are. And I was like, okay, okay. But I don't know.

We were hooking up. It was hot and heavy. I don't know. And so she was just like, oh, man. Yeah, she asked. And then we had sex like a day or two later on the second date. And I was just like, well, what the fuck? Why are you kink shaming me, you know? Yeah, she asked. And then we had sex like a day or two later on the second date. And I was just like, well, what the fuck? Why are you kink shaming me, you know?

Yeah, right. Did you eat that butt? I don't think so. I don't think. I was like, it was just like a thing to say. I didn't know her well, you know. It was just like a hookup. It's a small talk.

Sure. It's a small talk. Yeah. I was trying to do a bit about the coming on the face, like that same thing. It's like, when's the appropriate time like on like a first date if you're just like you seem crazy i don't know but like you can't do it and then if you're in a relationship you're like yeah yeah some anyway do you want a rag are we getting dinner with your parents later says the first time uh but you know you're in that situation sure the man says where do you want me to come that's a good indicator yeah and what do you say usually not only is it a good indicator of

literally where she wants you to come sure but just her general reaction i think is a good yeah gauge yeah absolutely yeah that is a funny tone yeah her vibe what a weird thing to worry about like where do you want it's just like i dude i don't know anywhere where it's not gonna be hard to clean up yeah it is a mess yeah anywhere near me yeah also my advice i'm giving out sex i love this yeah welcome to the sex corner i like when gentleman, these are how low my standards are. I like when a gentleman. I like gentlemen too. I like that term.

It's nice when he offers to help. I like when a gentleman spooches on my boobs. Clean up afterwards, like if it's on your ass or tits or something. Well, but I don't know what y'all have been doing alone, but a dry towel or a dry paper towel not good oh paper paper towel paper towel not good but i always throw a towel dry wet it no girl has ever asked me to do that yeah just because she doesn't ask a dry i don't know on your face like what i've well face on a girl's

face yeah i have it intentionally but yeah honestly anywhere belly chest ass wear dry towel really so have you do your friends agree with this because i i'm with umar i've never i've never i've never had this problem hot water make her a little moist towelette sure i think if you just if you just on the face sure you should be like a stewardess just like also uh would you like the lasagna or the towel like he's some kind of hero i'm like great thank you first of all this is my towel do you say well why don't you say wedded well i do but it's after okay and then okay in the future sometimes women just gotta tell us we're dumb you know like i don't fuck see now i'll offer like you want me to wed there you go there you go see that's why you talk to people who aren't like you

yeah and then the next girl's gonna be like no I don't what yeah just get the fucking towel you fucking freak

you fucking weirdo just get sandpaper out of the side drawer yeah rubs your fucking ugh um oh guys

alright well speaking of come on the face Kanye wow what a crazy guy speaking of having to come on your face

um no let's uh come on my face uh huh cum on your face. No, let's... What is there? Cum on my face. Uh-huh. Kanye. Do we have to wrap? Yeah.

Let's wrap it up. How long did we do? We're at about an hour. Damn. That went by fast. Yeah, cum yay. Fries king. Yeah.

Any more sex tips you want to impart to the people? Because I have a little wholesome story. It's not really wholesome, but I want to go out. It's not sex related. The other thing that I've been thinking about recently sure in terms of period sex uh-huh oh i love it subheading uh love it yeah i'm into it i mean i'm not like because i think a woman is either really it often you're either really horny or really like don't touch me yeah i'd like i'm into that but yeah it's very like you know there's there's not as much gray area when you're on your

period as there is when you're not yeah so i think it's sometimes annoying when you're talking about period sex with a male sex partner and the male sex partner um thinks the only thing keeping him from period sex is that the woman thinks he doesn't want to have it does that make sense yeah you're like i don't want to have sex and he's like but i don't care and i'm like this could not have less yeah okay i got you i got you you can do a little feel or like uh what you know is it ask why are you down yeah i have wet towels on deck what's the problem yeah i love it like i don't hate i don't give a fuck it's just like yeah no i don't i do i don't care but i'm not like period sex is the best no i do but i right yeah i'm trying i feel like a lot of the reaction

is men being like it's okay we can have it because i'm a hero i'm a hero because I'm a hero. Because I'm a hero. I love this wet towel. I don't know. That one might be a niche. I don't know. I feel like that's specific to you. I've always found it really annoying. It's like if I go to a restaurant, like if you go to a nice sushi place

and they give you that moist towelette, I'm like, this is great. But when I show up to Woodbury Kitchen, I'm like, this is dry. The fuck is this? Do you not care about my experience here at all? But if they had both just there, I'd prefer that.

I would. A nice hot, yeah. How creepy would that be? Like, you come on a girl's face, and you're like, hey, let me grab your tongue. You come back, and it's like a steamed, moist towel,

like as if it were a sushi restaurant. I'd be like, dang, this guy means business. Like, dude, this guy is a fucking freak. Like, also, there's miso soup in the kitchen. Yeah. Get on in here. Here's our soup specials. Yeah, all right.

It's an awesome story. Oh, yeah. No, so my uncle's 60th birthday was this weekend. Show him on his face. 60 times and one to grow on. But he's an accountant and he's doing really well so it's like one of those things where it's like what do you get him like he can just buy it himself so um i had the idea just randomly i was like oh i'm gonna get him an abacus because he's an

accountant right and i was like oh then you can get like something like engraved on there like his names and 60 and accountant and i was like oh fuck who can engrave and then i hit up our friend tommy who does like leather work he's like that could take me like a week so then i had the idea to take a um football trophy and then just like knock off the engraving off of there and then stick it on there so i did that i went online got him like a little participation trophy it said like john yeah you know his name 60 accountant And then I just kind of knocked that shit off. And then I ordered it at Abacus on Amazon. And then I just glued it to that.

That's awesome. And then presented it to, like, gave it to him on Saturday. And everybody's like, oh, my God, it's engraved. Look at that. And I'm like, yeah, pretty good, huh? Yeah. I spent a lot on that. Yeah, pretty nice. So it was nice.

It was a good gift. I thought I really liked that I tricked him. Oh, I thought this was a sex-related story. No, I said I want to go out on a wholesome story that's what i said jesus like then he put out his nose yeah then we all fucked uh 60 times yeah oh the thought you know exactly a lot of thought and work yeah it wasn't that bad actually but. It was a good kid. Smart. Ingenuity. Intuitive. Ingenious.

There it is. Words. All right, guys. All three of us are going to be on the time machine roast. Oh, my God. Next week. Oh, yeah. Who are you on the roast?

Mark Twain. Oh. That's what you think about your people. I'm Socrates. I'm doing stand-up to open the show. Is that Miles on a date Oh shit That's so funny He listened to the podcast too

I asked him if he wanted to jam He's like I got a hot date tonight She looked cute I mean she was Shout out to Miles good for you buddy Hopefully you got a hot towel waiting Hopefully you get to use it It's May 10th this thursday

at joe square ten dollars go on facebook look for it's called time machine roast we all dress up eight o'clock as historical figures and make fun of each other yeah um yeah so yeah i'm just doing stand-up to open that up um let me see and then on the 12th i'll be at the autumn bar headlining the second saturday shit show here in Baltimore. It starts at 7. Come out to that. And then I'm going to be at the Avalon with Mike Fonazzo in Easton, Maryland on the 18th.

Oh, I like that show. Oh, it's so fun. It's a bitch to get there, but I like it. Yeah. Well, I'm from Kent Island, so I'm used to all that ish. Yeah, exactly. It's not bad. It's not bad.

Yeah. And then at the end of the month on the 26th to the 27th i'll be featuring for rami and mastafavi at magubi's and uh yeah oh and then the 24th i'll be at dc draft house doing speechless and that'll be a lot of fun so yeah what do you guys got uh i think that's it for me cool channeling hell yeah hell yeah um i'm producing the mother's day show uh at uh creative alliance lots of fun mom comics um with uh your token dad host pierre benet sure i'm not on the show but i have curated it with uh steph joyle and um chris ferreira. We tried to pick some awesome mom copies.

There is free child care. Which is great. Mother's Day at 7. This Sunday. Creative Alliance. Nice. Well, Uma already got a gift.

You get her an abacus that's engraved. I think we're gonna... We always go the day before or after. I think we're going out on Saturday. Yeah. To avoid the crowds, you know? Sure, sure. Absolutely.

All right. Well, Jess, thanks for doing the job. Hell yeah. It was fun. David Koechner? What do you want him to do? Let's take... Take us out, David Koech want him to do take us out

Dick Russian Sessions coming to an end Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah