The Digression Sessions - Ep. 252 - Somebody Done Ate Some Food

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with their comedian buddies Eric Glaser and Evan Donohue to talk about food and their bodies...you know..MAN STUFF! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. I got enough. A little peek behind the curtain. I am going to finish these donuts, but you know what? Not the asparagus. Not the Gus. And the heat is back, folks.

Humid. Too hot. And that's why you tune in for these updates. I would like to. 24 hours too late. Well, it's storming right now. It's thunderstorming. Yeah.

I would like to say the. It's pouring pretty good now. Yeah. The official weather of the digression sessions is cool overcast. But Josh, we disagree on weather. Oh, yeah, we do. Yeah. I think-

What do you mean? Well, global warming is a hoax. We all agree. No. Clearly. No. Yeah. When we were living together, I was like, we just had like a stretch of days.

I forget what it was. I don't know. It was like a stretch of days i forget what it was it's like a stretch of like dark yeah it was just like overcast and like 52 degrees and windy and it's like i fucking hate i'm so tired of this weather he's like dude i love it like you love 52 degrees ah the best because you're not sweating you can put a hoodie on and just walk around you're not too cold and loves overcast too we know why that yeah yeah josh is like i wanted to wear my tank top yeah josh one of those people it's like 57 degrees he starts taking your shirt off we were texting back and forth the other day and i was like bro i don't even give a fuck i'm running

with my shirt off i got my ear pods in do you ever run with your shirt off? Oh, my God. No. First of all, I have bad hair, dude. No, I would never do it. Never. I would never do it. What if you had abs? Evan's just trying to figure out how to see you shirtless.

He's like, okay, but if I had a gun to your head, would you? I thought the question was with current body. Hell no. I'm surprised you walked down the stairs without a shirt on. Whoa. Oh, my God. Eric throwing shade! Wow, you're going to be running in the dark with all that shade that Eric's

casted over there. I was surprised you walked down that hairy flabby ass too, dog. I feel like you do that when you're feeling yourself. I was not feeling myself. You were like, I had a nice run. It was so hot, dude. The run was so... And this is why I hate hot weather.

Running in it just fucking... And you can't do it. Your whole day sucks. What? Dude, okay. Especially in the summer. You know, like... Okay.

Because it's like when it's so hot, you take a shower. And immediately when you step aside, you start sweating again. I can't stand it. It is so painful to me. I had that feeling too, but you're going to sweat anyway. Huh? You're going to sweat anyway

if it's hot. Are you a big sweater though? Not really. I mean, I sweat when I run. Yeah, that was a definitely... I don't know what that is. Evan, ask me. Hey, do you sweat?

No, you're not. You don't sweat that bad. Look at this shit. I saw it. This is a new shirt I just put on after being in the house for 25 minutes. Your forehead is bone dry. Because I wipe myself.

I wipe myself. When you eat spicy food does your head yes everyone's my dad profusely dude my bald spot gets nuts when i eat fast or hot really yeah it looks like the top of a volcano a lot of feta anything with a lot of better like salt like a watery yamaka natural sauna or whatever what are are they called? Like hot. It was like if I dumped my hand in this cup of water and like just was like here. It's just right there. Yeah.

Damn. Yeah. So if it all goes, your whole head's just going to sweat. When I shave my head, I'll be a fucking nightmare. I'm not excited about that. Yeah. No, I don't sweat too much. mean if i run i sweat a ton but yeah if i'm just like sitting here no it's not gonna happen you all right buddy

all right welcome to the digression digression sessions podcast everybody we are uh yeah we're a little late on this one but uh we're doing it. We're doing it. Yeah. Umar, do you need to do something? I was going to get my phone. I want to go live for a little bit. What does that mean? Oh, why? I don't know. Why?

It doesn't matter. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right. That was a joke, guys. We have good time. We joke around. Yeah.

Comedy. Can it go too far? Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. We'll start again. Hey, Umar, how you doing, fella? I'm good i i don't want to cut out everything i thought the intro of the bald sweating was good oh yeah no we can put that in there yeah yeah maybe i'll put the whole thing because i hate editing so so yeah all right i don't know i think i'm in trouble well not in trouble but i uh i like trolling the Baltimore Teacher Union Facebook page

with just little minor shit, like the most innocuous jokes. So my office is fucking cold right now. It's so cold. And I don't know if you guys remember, Baltimore City Schools closed earlier this year because we couldn't heat them. So I wrote a post on the teacher union site and I was like, hey all, just wondering, is anyone else's

office, is anyone else's air conditioning so good that the school should close for a little bit until they can heat up? And then I put like a snowman emoji and a snowflake emoji and like those over and over. Jesus Christ.

What? So then like, yeah. Dude, it got a great amount of likes. And then, but then so like some people were like, that's not funny. Some of us don't. It's like you shouldn't brag. I would be so pissed if I was a teacher making $45,000 a year. And I had 30 kids.

Such an innocuous joke. Yeah. Meanwhile, Omar's like, I love love wearing a hoodie it feels so good in here i'm not sweating at all yeah so then like another woman commented yeah seriously like uh i don't know why this is like a like you shouldn't like this isn't a place to make a joke like that so then i commented back i was like you know it's just like i made cold brew and it's such a long and arduous process and i just i couldn't even enjoy it today and she got mad at that and uh i guess she uh stalked me and was like she was like you're a comedian you should not be this is not the place and so i had to delete it because i was like oh i don't want her to find like this yeah yeah yeah that makes sense if you were being a dick like yeah but you know more people liked it than complained about it from what i know right but it's a little joke you know yeah but i'm sure all the other posts are like hey i really desperately need supplies if you have extra pencils yeah there's a school that won't have toilet paper for six weeks apparently

what yeah it's crazy i didn't see that though until today umar posted that in there he's like he's crazy yeah just post like 60 emojis of toilet i just post all the toilet paper that's stocked in our school. Damn. All right. Double layer. All right. So we're in Umar's abode, and we got Evan here. Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey. Eric's here. Hey, what's up, y'all? All right. All right. Hey. Hey. Coming off of a pretty wild weekend for you boys. Yeah.

I had a show at Auto Bar. You guys showed up, which is very nice. And I noticed that Eric was in full dad mode. That was pretty fun. I didn't know what was going on. Greatest outfit of all time. I didn't know what was going on. But yeah, I had khaki shorts, a t-shirt, and then kind of like a flowery.

It was a nice little tropical hawaiian yeah yeah yeah with like a button yeah with a pink like pineapple hat on yeah you look like a full-on like parrot head just like hey man like you're on vacation with your family from like idaho it was a vacation oh we had the it was day. But yeah, I didn't know what was going on because you kept saying stuff that was funny, but not like that funny, but they're also just kind of dad jokes. Like I had my voice memo recorder open

and I was going to close it and you just lean over and you go, did you stop recording? I was like, yeah, yeah, I did. Well, Eric, do you care if we... Oh, no, yeah, I was on Mushroom. I thought we all knew that. What if it was heroin?

He's like, mushrooms. That's what I was like. Yeah. I have a job, guys. Also, good times and drinks. So, like, crazy, dude. And we... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, because we hit up Remington Festival. Yeah. Yeah, the first ever. First. Rem Fest here in Baltimore. Yeah. Dude, it's like where are all these attractive people when festivals aren't happening you know they're

working on their flower crowns and whatnot at home you know you got to prepare a bright side boutique yeah oh shit as as discussed previously on this podcast yeah when evan was here um yeah but then uh yeah so i get here here tonight you guys you were like man we were so bad this weekend or like we ruined our lives we legitimately ate like monsters we ate sure but i thought you like really fucked up you're like we ruined our lives we like hit a person i know yeah we just drove we just drove eric didn't know if the person was real. That was our alibi. Yeah. We ruined any chance of a nice summer body in one night.

I truly believe that. I do truly believe that, too. All right. Let's break it down. All right. So we get to the festival. You guys had beers. Yeah.

I had. Yeah. Me and Evan both had a little duck pen. And I was still holding out. I was like, no boozing. But it was such a perfect day. Me and Evan both had a little duck pen. And I was still holding out. I was like, no boozing. But it was such a perfect day. And immediately, we're all thinking about food.

So they got pulled pork sandwiches. And that was right when I started. Nice summer day for it. I started peaking at that point, though. So I wasn't hungry. Shit. I don't even know what that means. The band just came on. The peak of his trip.

Oh, okay. I was ramping up. the bass was like booming in my chest from the band oh yeah on a beer and i like looked over and i was like hey i know that guy because the guy who's in the it was umar you're like hey yes wait who was it uh the reindeer the the main guy from reindeer is in the lush pockets okay and we've had them on live from the studio plug plug plug yeah but right right so yeah so they were oily oh my god it was disgusting but i feel like i kind of liked it it went well with the coleslaw yeah it was great it was great in this it soaked up in the bread yeah so then we ate that hold on i just still wish i could have seen you like starting to peak eric like in your outfit just like i know that band man dude we were

standing in line just grins all around yeah we were standing in line yeah you were so happy eric turns to me he's like dude i feel it in my chest i love that yeah you're in such a good mood it was incredible uh it was cool oh and then we got free oysters. Oh, well, we went to our house first because we wanted to get mixed drinks. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. So, yeah, me and Evan got mixies at our bar. I was still holding out water at this point.

Uh-huh. And, yeah, at that point, you hadn't drank for how long? Like two months. That's a good run. Yeah. Probably the longest since you've started drinking. But, yeah, fucking celeb umar like every week out fucking so i'll be like oh my god mr khan nice and that was just his mom

and then um yeah we walked past the local oyster yeah and so he's a homeboy nick shout out the local oyster go get your oyster fix to mount vernon marketplace but he's a buddy of mine and and uh i was uh ev Evan looked like he wanted oysters. And I was like, Ev, you want oysters? And Nick's like, I got you. Natural aphrodisiac. Yeah. Dude gave us.

Hey, I'm hanging out with two dudes all day. Let's keep them rolling, buddy. Dude, he gave us 16 oysters. One of them's on shrooms, so I think I got a chance. Yeah, he gave us like 16 or 24 oysters. Wow. Yeah, it was 12. It was 12 oysters.

Oh, it was 12. Yeah. 24. I was going to say. I mean mean you're famous in hamilton but you ate 24 you're not hot girl like right yeah like any oyster i want i go up to him i get yeah so then we got yeah so we got 12 oysters is dope but you only had one so evan i crushed those and they were big dude they were yeah they were delicious oh so good and then uh we got you guys got more drinks yeah got your free beer from union got the hookup yeah i got a what was it a vodka soda no i know the first sip of beer you

had was at the remington fest yeah Yeah. It was one of his beers. The first sip? Why did you take a sip? I just like sipping beers. Because I'm not drinking beer. Okay. If I'm out and someone's drinking beer, I'm like, dude, can I get a sip? And that's it. It's great. I'll sip on my old fashions at Motor House. Yeah.

But that's not drinking. Yeah, you're like micro-dosing. What the fuck? Okay, But that's not drinking. Yeah. You're like microdosing. What the fuck? Okay. So you have been drinking. What the fuck is going on? That's like once maybe a week. Wow.

Yeah. But if you were an AA, it'd be like, you don't get a chip this week, dude. Yeah. I'm doing it for vanity purposes. Right. Right. Okay. I didn't know you've been sneaking sips here and there okay yeah it's fine i'm not claiming that i'm like sober mr yeah so bright yeah i just i thought you hadn't had like a drop of alcohol no come on man let's not minimize it

well put it in perspective and say yeah if you were at the AA meeting, they're like, who hasn't had a drink this week? If you raised your hand, everybody would be like, mm-hmm. Yeah. No. That guy doesn't get a chip. Yeah.

All right. That's fair. All right. One of the funnier parts of the early on. Umar just has a little dropper. He's like, let me just get in there. He's got a little turkey baster. Speak at that.

When we went into our house to get like the mixed drinks and stuff, I was like, Evan, what do you want? I'll go get you a drink. And I go up to the bar and like, it took me like five seconds to remember his order. So I was just like, ah, fuck. Like the guy's like, what do you want? I'm like, ah, oof.

Vodka soda and a gin and tonic. And he's like, all right, man, I got to see your ID. Nice. Nice. vodka soda and a gin and tonic and he's like all right man i gotta see your id like trying to find my wallet like oh my god oh and he's like all right cool that'll be like no if i was on shrooms i would just like rock my world be like oh fuck i gotta get out of here he's literally just be like god you bitch give me give me your id you look young too so i'd be like all right especially like what can i get you and you go get up and your first answer is that's kind of a signal it's like all right something's amiss yeah all right here we go all right game time this is why we practice let's go the id and he's like all right cool that's gonna be like 13 14 dollars i'm like what i can't remember it's like which is it 13 to 14 i've never had a bartender give me a range

and then he comes back with the drinks and he was like i was 15 do you know that i'm tripping you're fucking with me right it was 15 oh my god that's hilarious i can't even figure out a tip right now just give me all your money oh my gosh i had that once when uh my uh i was smoking weed at home was when i was in high school and my dad went out and then uh i think he went to go get like kfc and then he came home and i heard the door shut and it's like oh fuck and then he ran up the stairs it's like oh christ could he like smell it like all the way when he walked in and then he knocks on the door he's like oh fuck and then he opens i open the door and he goes hey he's holding a piece of chicken he's like is this a wing or a thigh what is this and i was like he knows i'm fucked up and i was like i don't looks

like a wing he's like that's what i thought and then walked away it's like what was that why oh my god does he know one of the first times i got like wrecked from weed i thought i i'm pretty sure to this day i ate a kfc bone i truly believe like i was so high it was the taco bell attached to a KFC. Sure. Oh, yeah. And we went nuts. Yeah. I mean, the combination. Absolutely. How old were you?

I was, like, 17. And I just remember being fucking stoned. Like, uncomfortably stoned. But I was like, this food will save my life, I hope. Yeah. And, like, all my cooler friends had girlfriends. They were, like, talking to them. Like, I'm just going to eat this.

I'm going to eat this fucking chicken. And I'm almost positive I positive i ate the bone too because i don't remember anything on the plate that's so funny dude i never got stoned in high school but i did like eating like a maniac and i like you know it's funny most kids like i don't know they have different reasons like they're excited to get their license like the number one reason I was excited to get my license is because then I could just go to fast food all the time. 7-Eleven? Like 64 ounce? Oh, all day. I had a stack that could go up to my ceiling.

Me and my buddy would go every day after. Every day you're drinking 64 ounces of soda? That's just the fucking teat. What? Bro, every day? And apparently this weekend they both fucking ruined their bodies.

Yeah, forever. So wait, no, were you drinking that much soda every day or was it a slurpee? No, it wasn't soda, it was a slurpee. That's even worse. That's so much sugar. Once I got my license, it was like, hallelujah. I'd fucking go to Taco Bell, get Baja Blast, whatever, maybe hit up a Slurpee,

or then Chipotle was getting big. I did that. Godoba, oi. Buddy. And then Chick-fil-A. That was like, we did that. Seriously, it sounds like you're talking about drugs. You're like, so I knew Jimmy had the good stuff.

Bob was just starting to come on. Or just like all the bars when you hit and women you meet. So we're not down here. We ran into Bob. It's like, what? It's like, yeah, you know Chipotle was bringing it. So I got that next. Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. That's horrible. What was your family thinking when they walk in and see that column of cups? Well, my mom would be like, where are you getting this from? But she'd get mostly mad at me. She was like, where are you getting this money? Because this is how I got fat. I would have to eat dinner.

My mom would be like, where are you getting all this food to eat by yourself? You have to eat dinner with us. So I'd sit down and eat, and then I'd go out and go crazy. So I'd double dinner all the time. So bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I was bang, banging way before that became a thing.

You were bang, banging before you were bang, banging. You know what I mean? I was definitely bang, banging because I wasn't bang, banging. I was going to say, that prevents you from bang, banging. I wasn't bang, banging because I was bang, banging. The only way I could bang was to bang, bang.

I ended up 250 pounds in my freshman year of college. Jesus Christ. 50? I've always heard of bang-bang. I ended up 250 pounds in my freshman year of college. Jesus Christ. 50? Yeah, 250. I've always heard of bang-bangs, but I've never heard of that with food at home, too. It's like, let's do a bang-bang at home. It's because I wanted friends so bad. I was willing to do anything.

I'll go out to dinner. What do you mean? I loved being around friends and whatnot. Oh, any invite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was that way. Even to this day, it's hard for me to turn down invite like i you know unless i don't like you but like i mean like if friends are doing something and i'm like tired and but like you know i would just i'm like yeah let's go

because i'm such fomo i guess yeah yeah same thing but evan did you ever do the uh go to a taco bell drive-thru or like what if that was the full question alright now be honest I'm gonna ask you some real shit dude but like get a fucking Burger King burger and then get the

fries at McDonald's and then get the Baja Blast and then like nugs from Wendy's oh yeah I was a bad boy you hit up four different fast food places on one trip then like you did that from wendy's oh yeah i was a bad boy so that was you hit up four different fast food places on one trip i never did that never wow i never even thought to do that that seems like it should be illegal like it's not dude i was i was housing uh double quarter pounders in elementary school like that like i remember and my mom would buy for me all the time and i remember when i was like without like uh at leaving a boy scout

meeting and we're getting food with my friend's parents and like you know they're like like responsible more responsible nutrition wise than my parents like they asked me what i wanted i was like yeah i want a double quarter pounder with cheese. And the mom's like, no, you're getting a regular quarter pounder. The dollar menu was God's plan. Oh, yeah. When that came out, it was like, fucking Christ. Dude, you can get two apple pies for a dollar now. It's unreal.

Yeah. No, the dollar menu kept me alive when I was a teenager. Yeah, and that's the craziest part, dude. Not only is it so much cheaper to eat shit here it tastes so much better like yeah and it's so easy too so then like if you're a poor person like of course you're gonna do that instead of spending like four dollars on broccoli and then come home and prepare that brock yeah exactly it's not like you're not gonna get in the car and just take a bite out like all right yeah that's good yeah you fucking dip it in some ketchup god sitting next to a plate of

uneaten asparagus that he bought i'm gonna eat it but i wanted to start the pot i just finished running and all right because i wrecked it did you go for a run hey guys i ran i was going for seven miles i had to walk a little bit so i was i was annoyed with myself what is your workout reg because you're looking yeah thank you um you know nothing really i just fuck off isn't that the worst if you were like genetics i'm like go fuck yourself a million times i just cut out soda and uh no i um i don't know like are you doing like high intensity crossfit kind of stuff or you just like pecking it, doing some squats, curls? Yeah, I do chest, back, and then I try to do a lot of push-ups,

and then I go running two to three times a week for a half hour to 45 minutes each time. Okay. Do you run as much as he does or no? No, definitely not. In fact, we ran together once, and I was like, this is brutal. And then I was like, dude, it was like we were dating. If you run with a girl, and I was like, this is brutal. And then I was like, dude, like it was like we were dating. Like if you run with a girl and you're like, you go ahead.

It's fine. Did he talk the whole time? We talked a little bit. We talked. Yeah. Why? I fucking hate talking. It felt awkward.

Well, if you tell me you don't want to talk, I'll just put headphones in. Yeah. I think we both had headphones in, but we were still talking. Yeah. No, it was nice for a little bit. Yeah. And then we did that, guys. We were talking about being fat and then working out you know yeah balance yeah no i i eat

like a fucking maniac too so i don't know i'm just i'm lucky that i can work out like pretty much every day so yeah like well dude that's why i'm like so thankful and my metabolism is pretty goddamn good oh damn that's great i i i'm like, oh, god damn, Josh. Awesome. That too. Body's working. Yep. Yeah, I'm just so thankful I was, like, fat when I was young. Because it's, people make too much of positivity.

Like, literally, like, me, like, hating myself, like, is the reason I work out. You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like. Doesn't that fuel everybody? Like, god, I'm such a piece of shit. No, some people, like, like i feel like say they get fueled

by like i don't know like to one i don't i don't know what it is but you mean that girl the bar that's like you just love yourself because you should love yourself yeah yeah i was like no everybody has body dysmorphia admit it i truly believe everyone has body and if you don't you're a douchebag. And the bartender's like, we've been closed for like two hours. You have to get out of here. No one looks in the mirror and is like, fuck yeah, dude. I don't know that person.

Me neither. I have that in glimpses, but then I'm like, all right, keep going. I've never had that. Eric, did you do that? Not like, fuck yeah. I hate my body. Yeah, but you don't work out do you No I don't Damn

What He looks good for not working out Why is that fucked up You don't work out I hate my body But you should Cause you don't work out You do nothing

That's not I meant it as a positive I didn't take it like that Thank you I was trying to say but you look good for not working out like no the mushrooms help me with my self-esteem for sure really oh yeah that's great i feel like every time i have like a i don't do them that often but you just need like a brain reset to be like all right i'm not actually yeah it's all good yeah

yeah it's all fine yeah i'll like look at my body for a while in the mirror and be like, that's okay, I guess. On mushrooms. It looks like skin. Looks like skin. Healthy, I don't know. Damn, nice skin. Look at all that skin.

Yeah. No. Really? I never look in the mirror happy. No. Yeah. I'm like always pinching myself all day. This is like, we're so unhealthy

no yeah not on mushrooms i don't like man i feel like this went from such a brocast just like do you fucking love mcdonald's hey we got range bitches yeah and then everybody's like i don't like what I see in the mirror. Yeah. It's, like, unbelievable to me that, like, I don't know. Like, yeah. You saw that BLT I ate earlier. Yeah. I'm not eating dinner tonight. Yeah.

But it's just, like, crazy to me that, like, no one is happy with the way they look. Mm-hmm. You know? It's nuts. We should get plastic surgery. Yeah, dude. You should. Did you guys get that hair dust yet?

No. Oh. I did get the hair dust. I have not used it at all. Let's get into this. This is like basically you spray paint your head. Right?

You have so much hair, it's hard to even look at you and explain what this is. You're playing with it. You're like, so you sprinkle stuff on it. Tell me all about it. Tell me all about it.

It's a plaza about it. Yeah. So it's hair. It's called like hair fiber. And I think it's, I don't know if it's real hair, but it's hair fibers that you sprinkle like a fucking pepper or a shot shaker on your head. And I've seen videos. I haven't used it yet.

Yeah. We watched like 10 videos of this unbelievable like they're like a full head of hair yeah it looks so good you guys are both just like a little bit of hair do you mind if i masturbate no dude i was gonna masturbate i prefer it yeah go for it you have to have a little bit of hair on your head for it to work because it attaches to the hair but uh what i'm afraid to use it because it's fucking i get so i sweat and it's not waterproof so it like clumps up apparently so i haven't had the right time to yeah i just got to do it for the joke yeah you got to find out what lebron james uses

oh well that's just a thirty thousand dollar hair replacement yeah i don't think so because his shit fades during games really yeah yeah it fades yeah oh yeah i think he has something like that oh my god yeah where he's like filling it in damn yeah you can see that i feel like black men don't usually go that like bald well he's pretty bald yeah the thing about that is going bald too black people look amazing shaved head yeah totally yeah he's even done it he looks pretty good i don't know why he won't do it like the rock i don't know he could have a full head of hair it doesn't matter he's half black i'm justan. They have that kind of.

Yeah. Never mind. If you're not. If you're not. No. To Evan. To Evan. If you're not white.

You're black. Yeah. Yeah. Dumar's black. They got that kind of. I say my black roommate all the time. To get brownie points at my co-workers. Yeah.

But you're talking about Eric, right? He's smoking a blunt. It's like I woke up at 2 o'clock. Shroom Lord, Eric. But yeah, no, that shit's pretty prevalent, though, because I listened to a podcast, and Jimmy Kimmel was talking about it. He uses that shit when he goes out,

like every night on his show, and then all the guests use it, too. Whoa. Yeah, just like regular dudes that aren't even balding. Like, oh, it'd be nice to fill it in a little yeah go for it yeah right i think i might have i might shave this summer yeah i think this is gonna really because i just feel like it's getting there and i don't want to fucking and then keep the beard yeah yeah oh my god you cannot dude like please do mr cleaver just for a joke how long does it take you to grow a beard

the beard this is probably like two months really that's two months this is two months oh my god you're a boy yeah I can't grow a beard no way no

god I'm so nervous what if I have like moles and shit all over my head have you ever shaved your head no dude i look weird i look weird with a shaved head i probably will like ramin looks fine though yeah well i mean yeah he even has that scar on the back of his head yeah never mind he handles that i have a dent in my head. Yeah. Don't worry about that. Yeah. Where? Oh, my. No, I'm just kidding. It's right in the back.

Yeah, yeah. I've always wanted to, like, when I die, I want to donate my body to science. And, like, hopefully, like, people can pour milk and, like, eat a little bit of cereal out of it. What? When I was young, I thought that would be a thing. It's not. Oh, my God. I should have pressed that. Look at a child.

It's like, no, right now, hopefully I die because I could ghost and eat cereal out of my head. Oh, my God. I should have pressed that. Look at a child. No, right now. Hopefully I die, come back as a ghost, and eat cereal out of my head. Oh, my God. We know your daughter wanted cereal, so this young man donated his skull. What the fuck were we talking about before that? Ooh, thunder. Hair. We're talking about hair. Yeah.

And then food. All the things we hate about ourselves. Yeah. We're breaking down your food day. Yeah. Okay. So, recap. Recap. We, breaking down your food day. Recap.

Recap. Oh, I can't talk. Too much asparagus. We're finishing up Remfest and we're like, what should we do? At this point, you guys had at least two, three drinks. Good times. You're on shroom tea, Eric. We had pulled pork sandwich,

12 oysters, and then we go to Clavel local taqueria. That's how you have to say it. They make you say it that way. Oh my god. And I had a very weird interaction with the hostess. You have to explain this Evan. So the hostess walks by and the tables on the new section of Clavel are long. So she crushes her hip. Oh, no, no.

I'm talking about the hostess. Oh, yeah. Sorry. There are a few moments. Wow. And these are all you? Yeah. The one at the table was way worse.

I know. Really? The hostess. Yeah. So at point umar umar's giggly yeah good times he's giggly he's had a couple sips of beer yeah and he's standing right next to the hostess not like in front where you should be if you don't know a person he's standing right yeah you're very familiar if you're like hey just like and like's standing right next to them. Yeah, you're very familiar. If you're like, hey. And he's like, yeah, it's amazing. And he's laughing and making small jokes.

So I'm like, oh, I feel like Umar knows this woman. So at one point, we were like, hey, we need a table for three. And she's like, OK. Umar leans over and looks at the iPad ipad and it was just like he fucking works there yeah like uh three inches away from it i'm honestly i'm not okay i'm not surprised by any of this behavior yes so i was like any of us and then she was like a name and then he was giggling so it was like evan and then she was like and then we just he made one more joke and i thought what she was done it's like no i need your number And then it was like, yeah, I gave up. But it was just, and then I was like, Umar.

And the weirdest part about that story, I'm pretty sure this girl was feeling Umar. Yeah. There you go. I was like, I don't know if he knows him, but whatever he's doing, it's working. Dang. Yeah. It's working like a charm. Yeah, it was great. And then so we go have a couple of, we W.C. Harlan, come back over.

And the tables are really long. So we get seated and the tables are really long. And our waitress walks over and hits the table hard to the point where the whole section turned around and looked at her. And so she's embarrassed and she's making jokes. At this point, we're making jokes back and forth. It's going great. Great. Great. Knocking her out of the party. It is

legitimately... Until. Until, yeah. I go like, oh man. She made a joke about the table. I was like, yeah. I was like, yeah. Oh man. I'm going to hashtag me to those tables for you. She really goes, yeah. And I go, I was like, yeah, oh, man. Like, I'm going to hashtag me to those tables for you. And she really goes, okay.

Buddy. All right. Wow. Wow. I forgot. And that is so funny. Buddy. It's a solid joke.

It was. It was. Oh, I'm such a crush. Oh, yeah. Hashtag me to the table, right? Yeah. I could see how she would be offended, oh for sure in fed hill but in fed hill that would kill oh yeah yep she went from so embarrassed to just like straight fate fuck you she was like oh my god like i never do this yeah it was like so silly entirely that yeah and that. Yeah. And then, yeah, I'm going to hashtag me too. And you just saw her face.

Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Sexual assault. The table. Yep. Now I'm saying the table. No.

Yeah. All right. I'll be back with you. I'll be back with your tacos, you piece of shit. She kind of played ghost on her table a little bit the rest of the day. Oh, really? It was like, fuck those guys. Yeah.

And then we ate. So I got two. We each got two tacos. And then we ate. So I got two. We each got two tacos. And then they got the queso fondido. Queso fondido, which is like melted cheese, chorizo. A whole cast iron pan of melted cheese. And chorizo and chips. And we housed it.

And then. And we got some shrimp ceviche, too. Then we got shrimp ceviche with like a dip. And then with the nachos oh my god it was so good each got two tacos yeah that went out look i want to go on one of these eating excursions with you guys you should i want to yeah yeah and then we came into your show yeah it was nice appreciate that how was that for you it was all right yeah yeah it was fine it was like do you have the you were there from the beginning yeah yeah i

mean it was a good crowd it's just like i felt like towards the end of my set like i was just losing people yeah well there was a fucking loud ass dj downstairs yeah yeah exactly yeah i heard anthony davis was there yes do you remember him and whatnot barely i mean now he's in la i heard he's like killing it now no um i think he's i think he's doing well he's doing fine yeah i like anthony it's funny though when he's he was doing stand-up he's like yeah man i'm in from la and uh it's like i was expected to be like god damn you know it's tough out there all the fuck all the fucking traffic you're trying to go to a pop-up of fucking uh animal uh collective and it's fucking it was yesterday god damn that's la

for you where do you guys get your fucking secondhand clothing yeah he's like this big fat bearded red-faced dude no he that's his whole branding yeah that's he i i he just would not care i love that fella yeah he's so great he's really nice so like uh response fan of the podcast too by the way fan of the podcast fan of the pod no he's he's a good dude and he's he's doing well so yeah he was on the show yeah uh andres's parents were there yeah his mama's cancer he came out with us later oh yeah yeah oh what did you just say his mama's cancer it's a call back to a previous probably not a good idea. Because I told a story about how the girl got offended.

I'm going to tell your cancer. Me too. Cancer's got to be doing it. I know I told a story on the pod where a girl got offended that Andres was doing cancer jokes. Meanwhile, his mom, who has cancer, was in the front row. And laughing at it.

So she was in the front row and had cancer at your show. Yeah. Which is kind of offensive know don't be in front yeah you're killing the vibe with your cancer get out of here killing yourself killing the vibe what are you doing oh my god it was funny though they had somebody there that didn't speak english so she would have to explain the the jokes right in the front row yeah so i was like translating to the circle of the whole show yeah yeah so uh anthony davis had a joke about how he has back tits so like you saw andres's mom like lean

over and having to like i couldn't hear what she was saying but seeing her like talk and then having to mime like back tits to him the guy's like oh yeah she's like this fucking peruvian woman this old nice peruvian woman yeah fuck i was i was doing a bunch of dad jokes at autobar yeah i know you're saying earlier yeah um i was talking to andres for a while and i didn't realize that like his dad was right there too and i just kept putting my phone in and out of his front pocket. See, those are the bits I'm talking about. Those are great bits. Super easy, great bit. What do you say to somebody when they're like,

what are you doing? I don't know. I finally noticed him. I was like, ooh, I should get my phone. Start putting your phone in his pocket. What do you think of that, Andres' dad? You do that to someone you don't know. They just run away.

Your phone's gone. That's so weird. Yeah, I said hi to his parents. It was great, but... Awkward? A little awkward. I don't know, because I'm like, with foreign people,

and my parents are foreign, so I can say this, because I see it happen with my friends all the time. It's really like, communication is difficult sometimes. And so like it like meeting like as soon as you get past like the hey, have you been good? Good. Then it's like the conversation is a struggle.

You know, I just picture Andres's parents as like beautiful young hippies for some reason. Like, yeah, obviously different country. Yeah. Just gorgeous. Yeah. Because he's got a beautiful jawline. Because he's half Peruvian, half Indian. Half Peruvian, half Indian.

Crazy. He looks great. 100% sex. I know he has abs too, that son of a bitch. But he's really skinny. Also, another person that's super jacked. Who? Archie. Archie. Not RJ. Yeah, he's jacked.

Oh, yeah, yeah. This is crazy. Yeah. Probably doing like... I remember Evan going up to Archie on Saturday being like, you work out. You must work out. Yeah, I think I made that joke. I was like, yeah, Evan's like a Jewish aunt that's just like, look at you. What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, I work out every morning. And Evan's like, thank God. If that was natural, I'd kill myself and you. Well, sometimes it can be. Sometimes it can be. Can be what? It's natural. I just want to get more angry, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair. Yeah, did you convince yourself for a while that other people just look that way, just out of the gate, and you're like, well, fuck them. I mean, I don't have to convince myself. That's a real thing yeah yeah i mean that's not it's rare though like not everybody's like toned and like yeah but when you're younger and everybody's like yeah i can fucking eat a thousand fruit roll-ups right and but i'm nothing happens i'm a 40 year old yeah it's a fucking nightmare well i mean it sounds like you're pushing it yeah but yeah i hear you

yeah i gotta stop blaming i i always like i'm always like i blame my mom for always wanting healthy food in the house and then i just was like well then when i had a car i was eating whatever i wanted because you restricted my diet you're using a taquito as a straw into a slurpee our parents should like fucking go to jail for the shit they let us eat like uh like i remember like my parents and my friend's parents would like like hey eat a fruit roll-up it's healthy because it's fruit like there's what the fuck is healthy about a fruit roll-up there's corn it's got fruit in it yeah corn syrup and bullshit sugar yeah yeah they're like because they're like no don't eat rice crispy treats get the fruit roll-ups

yeah it's like a healthier option right all of this is garbage yeah you're a fucking adult why don't you know this or when you went to a friend's house that was healthy it's like can i get a soda like yeah and you're like this is caffeine free yeah why are you drinking yeah what are you doing what's the fucking point of this they're like hey you guys share a can i'm like whoa share a can he's like look i need two for myself yeah whatever he's having you could have told me your family's poor we could have went to my house when it was the mars wearing fubu he's like what the fuck i was i in my fourth grade picture, I have a FUBU baseball jersey, bright yellow.

I rocked FUBU. Really? Big time. Big time. FUBU, Echo. Yes! Nautica, dude. Nautica. Way different realm, brother. Really? What was Echo?

Is that the one with the rhino? I feel like Echo and Nautica are pretty close no no nautica was like yeah okay all right okay what was the other one like south something oh uh pole south pole yeah yeah oh those brands hell yeah dude hell yeah yeah, dude. Let's bring it back. Not for us. Or by us. Not for you. All right. So you leave

Auto Bar. Oh, yeah. Then there's more food to be had. So Andres drives us home because we're all tired and stuff, you know, maybe.

Gosh, we're so sleepy. Giggly and nappy. Yeah, giggly and nappy. And hungry. Omar's like, I've had three thimbles worth of beer. And on the way there, I'm like, gosh, do we get ice cream? And then Evan's like, no, let's go home and have some good times, and then we'll walk and get ice cream.

So then we walked to the Charm Me. It's a very balanced approach, you know? You're going to eat ice cream, work for it. Yeah, yeah, right? I'm so glad we walked. Yeah, I guess. I mean, we burned off a for it. Yeah, yeah, right? I'm so glad we walked. Yeah, I guess. I mean, we burned off a chocolate chip. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, that's just, like, another thing. Like, dude, last summer, like, when I gained a bunch of weight, I was eating charmery, like, twice a week. I would just, like, walk, and I'm like, yeah, I'm an adult. This is so cool. It's just like, what? It's, like, so dumb. Anyway, so I don't know why I said that.

Oh, so the weird part about the charmery. This is very weird. Me and Eric got... Which is an ice cream shop in our neighborhood. It's amazing. Oh, yeah. Me and Eric, both white. I don't know if you knew that by our voices.

What? You're wearing Echo and Fubu as a child, and you're telling me. Both of us ordered mint chocolate chip. I love mint chocolate chip. Yeah. White. White nailed it. Both of us ordered mint chocolate chip. I love mint chocolate chip. White. White nailed it. I don't like mint chocolate chip. Yeah, yeah.

Umar and Andres, both brown, got the Maryland mud. Yeah. And that wasn't even a thing. It just happened. Serendipity. Okay. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Right.

Absolutely. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Right. Absolutely. The Lord works in mysterious ways and yeah. I think he's telling us segregation is good. Yeah. I think what he was telling us was we had to stop at 7-Eleven

on the way home. Yeah. And the Lord said go get a hot dog. God, I would fucking crush ice cream right now. But I won't.

I have dark chocolate. But I won't. Yeah, yeah. You got like a big ass bag of chips. Yeah. yeah so we go to 7-eleven because we want to watch a movie and i'm like hey let's watch the purge i've never seen it i just came to my head has been just talking about the purge he hasn't seen a lot of movies yeah i have not seen movies yeah and i just wanted to see like i wanted to see mischief and people getting murdered. You wanted murder. Dude, mischief? I want to see people get killed.

What are you? Like a middle-aged woman cutting loose? Yeah. Do we have any mischief? I just wanted to see chaos, you know? I just want to see the world burn. Yeah. Anyway, so we're watching Hunger Games.

And it is wild. I ate a whole thing of guac. yeah i'm a pretty bad bitch crushes a family-sized bag of popcorn yeah cheese popcorn a whole thing a big bag of jerky and three mozzarella string cheese earlier it was four sorry yeah and then andres gets a part like a uh like a you know a like school lunch size bag of cheese it's that's it doesn't even finish it yeah it's like i'm done you guys think he had a soda maybe yeah myself feel better oh my god that is a horrible night of eating oh and my favorite part is while we're four hours purge yeah this motherfucker oh me would have a glass of water water and then just like held it in his chest

and then kept passing out and then would drop, like his muscles would let go, and drop the water all over Andres. He did it three times. I was like, put the glass away. And he was like, nah, dude, I'm good, I'm good. Then Umar looks at Andres like,

hey, I'm going to say me too about that water for you. Me too, right? This water got really me too'd. It kind of me too'd you, right? Anyway, let's do a purge tomorrow. I got to go to bed. Yeah, that was a fun night. Pretty good.

So what did you think of the purge? I fell asleep. You didn't rewatch it? No. Honestly, it was not what I thought it was. Not enough mischief, huh? Yeah. Mischief. Whatever word. I wanted to. Not enough mischief, huh? Yeah. Mischief?

Whatever word. I wanted to see just violence. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, what did you think the Purge was going to be? I thought it was just going to be like a whole city. Like from the onset. You saw probably commercials for Purge 2.

Or like Purge 3 where everything's established. Yeah, like I want to see just... Okay. What do you think was better purge one or two i haven't seen him well i'm not kind of not interested i mean yeah i watch nothing evan watches everything i come home yesterday no not like evan dang yeah you're doing stand-up shows i got all the time in the world yeah i come I come up here and say, Evan's watching the new Baywatch with The Rock. Yo.

I wouldn't waste my time like that. It was so bad. The girls. But the women in it, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, marron. Oh, sure.

So fucking good. Yeah, the main chick in it is in the first season of True Detective. And... Alexandra Dario. Yeah, and you get to see her boobies. Yes. I listened to a podcast where they did an interview with Mr. Skins. And they were talking, season true detective and alexander dario yeah and you get to see her boobies yes they i listened

to a podcast where they did a interview with mr skins and they were talking he was talking about mr skin was a website he's like an og website where it was like right right he's like yeah like the like we're back to the bro yeah okay this is where we're cool yeah speaking of looking at bodies you ever look at tits? Yeah, we're pros with insecurity. He said within the last 10 years, that was the most excited he was when he saw her.

I was too. I was like a 28-year-old guy, and I was like, oh, this is going to happen. This is going to happen. And Woody Harrelson, my buddy. Speaking of Woody's. Woo! Speaking of Harry. I of Woody's. Woo. Speaking of Harry. I'm just kidding.

Omar calls his dick. Harry's son. But, you know, Mr. Skin was like the original website of like at 52 minutes and 39 seconds, you can see Cameron Diaz's like boob and whatever movie. And that's what the whole website was. So, yeah. Well, all right. Coming to a screeching halt there. Also, I told you not to eat on the podcast.

What are you doing? What are you doing? We're at 48 minutes. We have another 10 minutes to go. You can hold out. No, I was fucking hungry. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, I could talk about that scene forever if that's what you want

to talk about yeah but no baywatch was i had i turned it off it was it's a terrible movie how was how's hannibal burris in it does he have a funny so that that part was like in the very beginning he was hilarious he didn't do any press for that i don't remember him doing anything he was such a small yeah i was gonna say was he really in it hannibal burris for spider-man he hired someone to do his press forum yeah yeah it's dude it's genius it's on it's on his instagram i think it's on youtube too but he's literally red carpet people with like yeah he put out no it's not the most the most recent spider-man too so it was like really big and he put out an ad on craigslist like hey i need somebody that looks like me an actor to play me tonight oh

my god and straight up it didn't even really look like him it was taller than him didn't sound like him well they don't know who he is so like like an entertainment tonight person like maria menounos isn't gonna be like oh my god it's hannibal so it's like wow this is really exciting right it's like yeah what a great night lots of stuff yeah yeah yeah totally he god, it's Hannibal. So they're just like, wow, this is really exciting, right? It's like, yeah, what a great night. I'm Hannibal Buress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really just amazing to be a part of this. It's incredible.

They're like, well, great. Have a good night. Hannibal's fucking crazy. Doug Stanhope did that for Morning Radio, too. Just sent his opener to pretend to be him. That's fucking awesome. God damn, that's so cool. Dude, Sidebar was rough last night i was gonna

try to get uh i wanted to go but i figured it was shitty weather and there would be a lot of people weather when i was about to go up i was i tried to like tell someone to be like when they call my name just go on stage it was like that bad dude it was really weird like no one i think like a bunch of out of town comics were in or something that's been found out but like it was pretty packed but everyone was just like stone face just like looking at the stage so wait were the out of town comics the only audience members like were there actual no it was just like all comics basically okay gotcha fucking like 20 30 people you know really yeah do they put up 30 comics a night or something. It's crazy. Imagine being number 30.

Dude, imagine not going in the first half. Yeah. Yeah, fuck that. We're getting inside baseball. I think people can get it. That that would suck. It's an open mic. Yeah, you just say it like that and then they get it, you know? It's an open mic.

Hey. Hey, come on on it's a freaking open mic huh so anything else crazy fellas i don't think so yeah it wasn't oh what we did at night yeah it wasn't even like that crazy no it wasn't it was a lot of yeah which i love yeah it was just the guilt you have the next day after you eat like that yeah i thought you guys down ice cream all the time and then you wake up and it's's like god why but in the moment you know you're gonna hate yourself but you just you don't care but so the next day you went you like you were like i'm gonna run oh i fucking ran so so i had mother's day to deal with oh yeah so oh i also didn't eat

that day until 7 30 at night that's just when i got hungry and he kept bragging about it in the group text umar will let you know what's going on yeah i'm back on the horse guys that is one thing i don't miss like just like god i feel so good i'm like okay all right i know i know you feel good but so so mother's day i was like fuck i had to make this really nice charcuterie board and like we kept we ate and we had i had cookies so then my brain was like well i already had a cookie you've gone let me finish let me finish all the bad food i have at my house right to just do you ever do that no no like i'll be like okay let me get away i like this cake i gotta get rid of this fucking these m&ms in here and then i'll feel better

tomorrow i don't know i don't know if i go that, but if I'm in like a bag of munchies, which is like my new shit, it's so good. I love it. It's like Cheetos, Doritos, Sun Chips and pretzels all in one bag. And it's called munchies. Come on. Come on. But yeah.

So if I'm like, you know what? I've already eaten. I'll just keep going to the end of it. If there's like a quarter of the bag. Yeah. I just like. But that doesn't extend into like and now i should eat this actually it does a little bit i've been eating a lot of ramen oh that's why yeah i mean like

that's why like i can't have ice cream around yeah i have no control i will just eat all of it like if i get like uh what is like the briars they come in like half cart half gallon gallon i will eat that in two sittings that's so much ice cream yeah or even like a whole thing of ben and jerry's that's that's not even a question it's very easy to do but yeah holy fuck that's it's over a thousand calories so much fucking fat but i've done it so many i've never had i've never been able to eat ben and jerry's in multiple sittings yeah see i can do that though i cannot obviously yeah yeah we had a crazy weekend where we ate too much so obviously we everyone was like yeah me too i looked at a veggie burger and i hated myself i made eye contact with it was disgusting yeah and then i bragged about being anorexic yeah

uh but 7-eleven has these chip witcheses that are strawberry ice cream with two sugar cookies. God damn. Yeah, it's really good. So, I mean, I love me a regular chipwich, but I love a sugar cookie and strawberry ice cream. Dude. That's so fucking good. I know. It's so good.

Wait, isn't it a packaging? Yeah, yeah. 7-Eleven makes it. So, you got to like wait a little bit because if you go a medium bite. Too cold and too hard. Yep. You find that perfect. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Well, you don't have to bite too hard it just kind of crumbles but it like the ice cream

is still solid oh yes dude you know what i want to do a waffle place opened up on the ave i haven't been there yet dude it's so good it has just it's just like good at what like it was ice cream too or now no this is what i wanted but oh yeah you're talking charmory yeah dude i'm surprised i haven't done a combo get a hot waffle walk that shit over the charmory get a scoop of ice cream in a bowl god damn you know what i would do i would get the ice cream first that way the waffle is still hot boom Boom. Because the waffle's good, but as soon as it loses its heat, not as good. Dude, that'd be a great move on a date. Not a win, because you'd be like,

let's go! It's melting! Come on! Hurry up, bitch! Take the heels off! Do you know what we're doing? Ah, fuck! Hey, this is crazy, but you're feeling it. Ah, it's dripping, you piece of shit. Time this out.

Don't talk to them. Let's go. Oh, that's your mother who gives a fuck. Mother's Day was Sunday. It's over. It's over. No, no, no. I feel like it's still play.

Unless you just had a lot of food and then she was like, okay. I don't know. I guess if you shared that Like one ice cream scoop One waffle No I feel like You use waffle cones Get an actual waffle

So you just get your own It'd be like a Choco Taco Yo shout out to Choco Tacos Yeah Taco Bell They used to have those Not anymore God damn

Fucking God I love fast food living Me too man Me too i've been doing uh taco bell tacos the combo where you get like three tacos yeah and i just take the meat of all three and put it in one it's so tight recently yeah yeah that's a good hack yeah i did because there's not a lot of meat or like veggies in there so you just move all that shit. Yeah, low carb. You can move all that shit to one taco. Dude, I haven't had fast food like that since I was 16. Really?

Yeah, I haven't had McDonald's, Taco Bell, any of that burger, anything. I just swore it off. I haven't had a McDonald's burger in over a decade. Yeah, which is stupid because I'm sure other shit I eat is just as bad. Yeah, but that's the stuff you tell yourself. You're like, you know what? I'm drawing the line. Yeah.

I'm at least trying to eat the egg McM exactly yep yeah i've never had to make griddle really oh i remember thinking they were fucking banging it yeah especially the ones that have it's like two pancakes we can sausage i had the first one every other day also this podcast right now who is this for? This is for nobody. I think people will think it's funny. I hope so, because it's just a diary of what dudes eat.

Dude, it's just like old soaked pancakes as a bun and then like a tiny thin little sausage pancake. I remember being good, though. Sausage and syrup is such a good combo.

That is such a good combo. It is, but now you can do it. You can get the three pancakes combo and it comes with a piece of sausage. Drive your ass to Wendy's. such a good combo. You can get the three pancakes combo. It comes with a piece of sausage. Drive your ass to Wendy's. Sausage tacos. Oh, wait. Use the pancake as a sandwich device.

Then do your own syrup that you can pour on. It doesn't get soaked in syrup. I like that. Breakfast tacos. I like that. Get a hash brown, slice that in half. Dude, I've done this tacos. I like that. Get a hash brown, slice that in half. Oh! Wow. Dude, I've done this before.

Wow, yeah. Dude. Dude. Eric put the mic. Yeah, Eric mic drop right now. Eric put the mic. Look at that hash brown. Dude, put the mic on the table, and that's what's up, motherfucker. Bitch.

Yeah. But, like, I just, like, let's replay earlier. He's like, yeah, I don't like my body. But I like the ideas it makes. You know what I'm saying? Dude, I mean, there is like, I mean, just the few things better than McDonald's hot cakes, fucking sausage and hash brown. That's so good.

It's so. I just, I now go to Towson Hot Bagel, you know? Yeah. I still haven't been there and i love a fucking dude they do uber eats now because is that charles is it good when it's delivered oh yeah i have actually have no idea if it's good okay i was gonna say it doesn't seem like that'll travel well no i feel like i'm fine really an egg sandwich no no you can't wrap a bagel it gets all shitty soggy it does you can You can't do that. Because it can be warm, but it won't be firm. Yeah.

I've traveled with it for 20 minutes, and I've been totally fine. I don't fuck it. I think you got to eat it there. Okay. Okay, player. Okay. I'm not going to lie. I did.

I grubhubbed or ordered up whatever, like 12 bagels one time to my office, and they were the stalest fucking bagels I ever ate. You have to go in there to get shit, I think. All right no listen i want to go there i'm from towson i know these yeah i mean a bagel is just oh my god it's perfect i fucking love a bagel i love egg bagels with just butter on them delicious delicious perfectly toasted that's my go-to breakfast well recently i've been doing oatmeal with some. You have a bagel. Yeah. You did. What's that? What do you mean? You had a bagel for

breakfast every morning. Yeah. That's unreal to me. I'll do a... The amount of carbs that is if I ate that. Are you serious? Yeah. Bagels are terrible for you. Food Lion has great bagels too. Really? Yeah, they're like 60 cents.

Damn. If you get three of them, it's like a dollar. That's hot. An egg bagel? Us in the morning. It's a nightmare. We eat eggs today. I put kimchi on mine.

And I made broccoli. My breakfast was broccoli. What do your farts smell like? Eggs and kimchi? That has to be terrible. Also, I'm taking a fish oil pill and that gut shot stuff. Oh, oh yeah we did a gut shot this morning before work i'm not farting a lot lately really you don't fart that much i fart a ton it doesn't smell that bad though oh mine i mean usually i used to be a burpee boy but i also i think that was stress and like something was

eating i don't know yeah right on. No, my breakfast has been... I do eat bacon every day, which is... Yeah, that's going to stick to you. I'm following the Joe Rogan. Yeah, I'm probably going to switch to turkey. Turkey bacon. I mean, you look lean, though. I feel like the keto...

Yeah, you look good. Yeah, I'm trying to be as keto as possible. Really? Yeah. See, I don't give a shit about that stuff. Yeah, not right. I don't give a shit. I wouldn't either.

I mean, I exercise, too. If I didn't, I would definitely gain more weight. But it wouldn't either. I mean, I exercise too. If I didn't, I would definitely gain more weight. But it wouldn't be. It wouldn't have been terrible. Yeah, so I had broccoli and mushrooms and eggs and bacon. Yeah, me, bagel, green apple, slice that shit up because my teeth are still a little sensitive after the braces. And one piece of veggie sausage.

Coffee. Are you a vegetarian? I used to be. Yeah, you're not anymore. How was that? It was fine. I mean, I was mostly pescatarian. Why?

Because the way... You're so... Why? You're so condescending. Why? Yeah, Evan can't stand that shit. It was the whole factory farming thing. Oh, okay. So you ate fish?

Yeah. Which is still not great. You know, the fish farms? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. For a while, though, I was like no meat, no nothing. The ones that get treated the worst? No, no, no.

The only ones that I ate were the ones that like jumped out of the water and wanted to die. You know what I mean? Like the suicide fish? No, for a while, yeah. I was straight up vegetarian. And then I think it was like four years was it for it was it a girl do you mind me asking no it was it was before that it

was like i tried to do when i was a teenager and then i couldn't buy groceries and my parents were like nah we're not doing that i was like okay yeah i feel like anytime like i'd known someone who's gone vegetarian or anything like that it's either like it's always a girl no yeah i was doing it solo dude and then like a first person who goes vegetarian at first and you're like relatively young like your diet just becomes like chips oh dude i had that too yeah when i was when i lived on ken island at at lido's i remember like yeah timmy he's been vegetarian for a week and he's like yep and then our friend danny goes bullshit you've just been eating cookies yeah yeah that's not vegetarian

dude you're like you've just been eating shit for you no but that if you're not eating meat like you know i mean yeah but it's not like but that's not gonna sustain yeah right you can be a 17 year old eat cookies for a week i think it takes skill to learn i don't know growing up for me like a meal wasn't a meal unless there was meat in it yeah yeah yeah i mean sometimes i still feel that way well i had that shit too i mean i used to have milk with dinner every night oh my god yeah yeah i used to crave milk i remember just like drinking it out of the fucking jug milk literally made me gag really yeah i think i was just about now i think i was even now i think i was addicted to it because of the sugar i didn't realize how much sugar was there.

Sugar. Tons of sugar. Buddy. Buddy. Yeah. It's a lot. Lactose bitch. Damn.

There's a lot of sugar in there. Yeah. It's like it's. Yeah. It's not. That's what makes it palatable. Also, the government could like. For those listening at home, Omar is standing up he has a megaphone

here's what the man wants you to do because uh the milk the cow and whatever industry like approach the big cow big cow industry approach the government and like they they wanted i don't know they wanted the like to i don't know subsidize milk or something. Yeah, yeah. Because they were like, dude, we have all these fucking cows. But most species don't need milk past infancy. That whole you need milk for strong bones is bullshit. Totally. And then it was a whole campaign that they convinced the government to do.

Well, sure. I mean, the food pyramid itself, the basis of it used to be bread and and shit but i think that was poor science whereas this was just more like no that was intentional oh really yeah it was the same thing it was like all these people make all that shit and they're like no no like that's that's that's what it should be because oh my god it's the same thing of like no no no it's milk and bread and cheese all that stuff think about it like the food pyramid didn't need sugar at the top. It could have not been there. Yeah.

But they were still like, don't forget. Yeah. Or they kind of make, holy shit, I can't believe that. I'm thinking about it. Yeah. You guys know this is bad. We don't need to put on a food diagram what not to eat up here. Yeah.

Or they're making it the goal that if you get to the top of the mountain, you get the treat. That's what the food pyramid was. It was to plan out a meal. So you'd get your carb. You'd get a big carb. And then the biggest milk. Meat and then poultry.

Meat, poultry. That's when I learned the word sparingly. Because the top pyramid was sparingly. And like that means not a lot. Damn, I know big word. What's up? I'm going to go 7-Eleven right after this.

My man, I'm trying to eat sparingly. So let me just get a chip, which a hot dog, some popcorn. Oh, my God. It's the best. So it's so good. I feel like you're you're like this do you need if you're watching a show do you need a good meal with it too is that the ultimate for you oh what no okay so or like a show or movie or something like that i try to time it out where i'm like i'm gonna set up the tv it's paused it's immediately ready to play as soon as i sit down

with my hot nailed it yeah like yeah yeah when it. I cook dinner and then put something on. If I have a good meal and nothing to watch, I'm frustrated. Me too, dude. HBO on Sunday, that is a day for me. You watch like seven episodes of Westworld. But I'm saying

I need, when it's usually Game of Thrones, I'm going to get a Ben and Jerry's ice cream and just go to town. Hell yeah. You're like, ooh, Ice King.

Yeah. But Night King, Night King. Night King. I don't know shit about, I love Game of Thrones, but I can't, I never know names,

ever. I listen to two podcasts on it. Umar's watching, he's like, so what do you think the ice cream is going to do this year? Yeah. We have to wait until 20. Can you think the ice cream is going to do this year? Yeah. We have to wait until 2019.

Can you believe the ice cream has a dragon now? We have to wait until 2019 for another Game of Thrones. No. Oh, yeah. 2019. Really? Is it this winter? This is the last one ever, right?

Right. And they filmed a battle scene that took 30 days to make. I love that. That's amazing. Think about that. I'm excited, too. They could have fed a small country with that money. Yeah.

It's fucking amazing. That always got me about Survivor, too. They're like, look at these white people trying to survive on this island. Meanwhile, the people that live there can see them. They're just like, what are you guys doing? It's like games. You just see a guy. We're pretending to be poor.

Yeah. Like, what? Yeah. There's a whole craft service table do you remember the first rich or first survivor with richard he was like the naked guy right no no no not survivor man um i know he's a survivor yeah but he was like gay and then big gay guy i remember him because he was on the mtv movie awards or something yes yeah the one that want to stay in his truck with his mom what the fuck eric's like you know he was living the dream i remember from survivor like someone's grand prize for like one of the challenges was you get to sleep in a car for the night and guess what you get to sleep with the woman you love the most your mom i don't remember that at all. I don't remember that at all.

Anyway, so why did you bring up Richard? Okay. Anyway. I don't know why I really brought it up. It's just because at the end of Survivor, there's a speech, and I forgot the woman. It was Richard and this woman, and she was like, I'd rather live with rats than snakes like you. Yeah, and then someone else said, like, if you were on fire, I wouldn't piss on you

to put it out. Piss on your head. I remember hearing that and then I used it later when I was angry at somebody. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I heard the saying from there. From that survivor. It's weird. I know Greenland, Iceland. Greenland's more icy because of the Mighty Ducks. Those things you remember.

Yeah, but that's part of how you learn exposure and that's you know yeah you don't need books yeah you just you get exposed to tv i heard that saying but not in that show was a val kilmer movie and i was like oh shit that's really deep yeah yeah salt and sea wow yeah but that is great like how will we convince our kids to read books when video games are a fucking thing? You can't compete. You can't.

It's unreal. You can't compete now. Yeah. I know I need to read. I'm dumb as fuck. I never read books. I should. I don't ever read.

I want to be the guy who reads. They even make it easier. Every now and then I will find a book. I might read two books a year. That's horrible. Reading a book would be way... I feel like a year that's horrible like reading a book would be late i feel like it's more than average though probably probably did you guys ever actually read the books in school i tried i did i never did i try i'd get like somehow never i'd get like

but usually like even in elementary yeah the books would be the books would be based on like yeah they'd be based on like papers or essays? Yeah, they'd be based on like Papers or essays or something like that So I'd read enough to know, like to answer that I would usually just ask someone In the class before, like English And be like, what was that book about again? And then just like hear a summary And then just like write that for my paper

What was that? It was about like a baseball catcher That loved rye bread? What was that about? I used to cheat all the time I think we might have did a whole episode on oh yeah yeah yeah i don't know if i told this story in geometry my friend would let me copy off of him but then there's this like uh kid behind us who is a senior but failed geometry ninth grade so he had to pass it in order to graduate uh-huh so at what one day like he sees that my friend's giving me answers so then he leans over and asks him for answers and my friend gave him all the wrong answers yo that's fucked up and he fucking

failed the first test like it was like a 2 out of 22 or something and he literally when we got the papers back uh when we were walking i was like my friend got scared because like this kid was big and scary dude he we were trying to get out as quick as he could and he grabbed him by this shirt and was like hey man if you ever do that again like i will punch you in the face that's fair yeah it's fair uh not really because my friend never agreed to give him answers but you should be you should either say no you shouldn't be like yeah it's 1977 like yeah i don't know that's fucked up that's i don't know kind of funny to me because no that is hilarious yeah it is it is but i understand why it's like yeah i will fuck you up yeah

because he's a guy that's gonna cheat off you you know yeah i cheated so much in spanish class it changed i'm pretty sure my entire life because I had a major of international business and I didn't realize I needed a like minor of Spanish so I cheated so much in high school that I think I had

like the instruction manual or whatever I was just able to cheat so easily and flawlessly in Spanish in high school went to college and I was like

oh fuck the teacher's only speaking in Spanish and this is 101 so then I was like i gotta change my major you were gonna be a spanish i was gonna be an international business i didn't realize they needed fucking 400 level spanish yeah that was my only failed grade in college i failed a class oh my god i got a I got a D, yeah. God, Jesus.

En Español. En Español, yeah. Dude, that's horrible. You stuck it out, too? God, I would have just witcheroo. Well, I didn't know any better. Adios. Fuck it. So what did you do all class?

I was like, oh, my God, oh, my God. Would you go to every class? Ay, Dios mio. My favorite part is I could have just been like, you know what, Ev? If you start studying the book, 101. You hunker down. Yeah. Didn't.

And then 101, I was able to get by. 102, I was like, okay, now they want you to speak in front of the classroom. Yeah. We had to take nine credits or three classes of a foreign language. It sucked. It's like I never use it. Yeah. This is such a waste of time. a wish i knew it though me too language is something you cannot force upon people to learn you know yeah i mean like i've been saying that if you'd like try it at home and like really made

an effort you probably do it but oh i do wish yeah it would be i can't even speak my parents language it's a shame what it just sounds like you don't talk to your parents like they speak like hey they don't talk to them oh my god evan and i were having this conversation on the couch and like we're talking about like death and stuff and uh i've never lost anyone like really close to me but then i looked at evan and i was like i mean my grandmother lived with me for 20 years but you know like yeah like dead eyes yeah yeah speaking of death yeah and like but it's just because like she couldn't speak english i can't speak urdu so we couldn't communicate so it's just like we existed next to each other for 20 years yeah you had a roommate

yeah that but it was like even less than a roommate for each other. Yeah, that's pretty dark. Is it? Yeah, so My grandmother was a pet. I wrote a five minute chunk on that and I performed it a couple times and that was one of the punchlines. It's like when I found out my grandmother, she couldn't speak English, I couldn't

speak English, so we couldn't communicate, so it was kind of like finding out your pet dog died. It's not like that big of a deal. I'm bald in my eyes. Yeah. So my friend, when I was running the joke by him, he's like, you've never had a dog or cat have you? And I was like, no. He's like, dude, that shit's like family when they die.

Oh, my God. So people will not only be like they won't understand the joke, they'll be pissed too. Yeah. I don't think you're a psychopath. Yeah. So I just said I change it to goldfish. Okay. Yeah. That's way better. Yeah. yeah see that's how you write jokes boom yeah we had like conversation with like how the fuck would you explain to somebody to like how this is how you write a joke like i'd have no idea how to do that

oh because you yeah if you because we're talking about jessica murphy how she taught that class yeah in community college yeah and then like i got approached by a venue to maybe do a comedy course or class and you were asking me like yeah i don't know i don't know what i would do i don't think you can teach on how to write a joke you can teach set up punch misdirection you know yeah tag that shit but like, like, if you... There's no formula, right? Or you wouldn't have, like, a Zach Galifianakis or, like, a fucking...

I don't know, like... Who else? Like a Rory. Rory Scoville. Like, these crazy dudes who just... There's not, like... It's so original in their own thing, and they just find a different way to do comedy.

It's, uh... Yeah. It's crazy. I don't know. How much would you yeah it's crazy well i don't know how much would you charge for your class i don't think i think i would just get a lump sum from the venue okay and then it's whatever they want people to charge i mean it's like a dumb thing to do like because i know you lose respect with your peers and then also uh it's like you're just taking advantage of i don't know.

No, no. I don't want to say it. Like a three-hour lecture or something like that. Or it's like a six-hour lecture about it. There's like a lecture series where comics lecture people. But yeah, it's... I don't know. Who gives a fuck, you know? Well, let's talk about what it's like being Umar Khan walking around Remington.

Shut the fuck up. I mean, your ego. That would make me. If I was walking around with a girl that was into me and was like, maybe. And then I walked to Remington and I got as many, oh, my God. Let's fucking eat free oysters. And she's like, oh, my God. Who is this?

You know what I'm saying? That had to make you be a king. You had to feel like a king. I was with you two, though, so it wasn't like that. I mean. And I just could. It was just like a weird feeling because you guys kept going, ooh. Yeah.

All right. What did I miss? We have to wrap up soon, too, by the way. We talked about how to write jokes. Can you teach people how to write jokes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all agree you can teach that up punch. Yeah.

But other than that, yeah. Yeah, misdirection. And then we got into, I don't know. Umar being Remington and famous. Yeah.

Yeah. Umar, man. Believe it. Yeah, it's true. You worked hard and now you're finally here. Oh, yeah. Hey, Umar.

What's up, man? Oh, gosh. When you're getting free oysters, oysters aren't cheap. That's seafood, brother. Yeah. Feels great. Like a free beer. What are you doing right now?

There's nothing I can say to this to not sound like a douchebag. No, I would love for you. Evan sounds like a great manager. He's like, dude, you're crushing it. You're out there. Your name's out there. And I'm like, you know what?

And Evan's like, I deserve 20% 20 of those oysters but we'll get back to that you know i was a part of that transaction i sent that i'll book that as well yeah uh no i feel it's nice but you know what yeah you know what yeah i think you're recognizable too which is good yeah stick out i'm brown yeah it's nice got a beard somebody this uh last weekend got a brown bearded guy who's seen me open up for hari uh fucking got they thought they're like hey are you umar yeah like are you that comedian umar i think that's so fucking guys like yeah you bet yeah absolutely uh hope we got a blow job from that that'd be dope dang Omar, are you just getting blowies? Yeah. I don't know.

I'm just kidding. From opening for Harvey? Yeah. Wow, you're so woke. I would love a blowjob. Wait, what were you saying? Nothing. Oh.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Been one of those Me Too jokes, you know? Oh. Let's not make those. Learn my lesson. All right.

Let's go out on a high note here. All right. Yeah. Follow us on a high note here. All right. Yeah. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook. I don't know. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. We have shows for Sirs, Asian, and Jokes.

Ramin will be there. Oh, nice. Yeah. I'm opening for him at Magoobie's Memorial Day weekend. Yes. Featuring for him. So, yeah. Come out to that.

Pools will be open. So, swim first and come enjoy the show. Just follow me on Instagram, Evan Donahue. Yeah. He's got some good cheese vids. Solid cheese vids. Eric? Live from the studio. Podcast. It's on Laughable. It's on all that shit. Yeah, we're on there. We had a crossover

episode. Yeah, yeah. It's cool. You can look up my name and then you guys will pop up on my podcast. Yeah. It's cool. Nice. Alright, well, David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.