The Digression Sessions - Ep. 259 - Paul Hutson! (@PaulHutson)

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with their new adult friend, musician, and talented dude, Paul Hutson! Paul is a member of Bond St District and you can check out their album, A Church on Vulcan, here! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna and Umar Khan, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. You're in the right place. Yeah, I just, Karen and I, my girlfriend, we had breakfast. Umar and I both dated Karen, just to make it less confusing for the audience. You don't want to just split the same Karen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has Karen duties this weekend. Nice. Finally, I can have some time to myself, you know?

Do you like meet in a parking lot, like a Target? Yeah, yeah. You don't say anything to each other. Usually at Denny's, yeah. And we don't want to make it weird for her because we want her to be happy and I don't want her to go to therapy later. Yeah, it's not her fault. Right, exactly.

Well, you know, we don't tell her that, but it is. You know what I mean? She can't listen to this, right? No, definitely not. They don't want to. Nah, nah, nah. The best part about being a comic

and dating a woman named Karen is that is the go-to name when you make fun of women it happened last night i did a black show and the black comic was talking about like a group of white girls like come on karen yeah it's so funny yeah it's it's so funny it's great because yeah it's that hard consonant sound up front yeah and like everybody when you say karen you just picture like a 50 year old white woman or just some like really bratty annoying white girl

yeah it's so fun it's with it's happened so many times and she's at the it's the best yeah there's something about the alliteration of it too the come on Karen yeah yeah it's like saying fuck really loud yeah it feels good yeah we introduce our guests no okay

they'll never know. Fuck it. Yeah. I'm Ben O'Brien. It's good to be here. Thank you, Ben. My good buddy, Paul Hudson, on the podcast. Paul Hudson.

What's going on? How are you? Good, good. Yeah, man. Nice to be here in podcast land. Yeah. Welcome. Yeah.

Paul's a new flame of mine. Flame. Yeah. You know, I think things are getting pretty hot and heavy. I would say so. It's weird to make friends in your late 20s, early 30s. Adult friends are weird. Yes.

Because it is like dating where it's like, should we take this? I mean, what are we doing here? Yeah. Because you're like, I mean, we can hang out. Should we hang out more than once, one-on-one in a week? Is that too much? Is it too? Should I text them now?

Maybe we should wait until tomorrow. I don't know. I'll call them. Nah, I can't call them. Also, when you meet people in adulthood, it's very rare that... Remember being a kid, you would just go over someone's house without any plans. There's very rare moments of that now in adulthood where you just go show up to someone's house and just hang out and try to figure out what to do you already have a plan in place and

that's what you do there's no just like a meandering around yeah yeah no it's like we have we have an itinerary yeah as a kid it was like uh we're gonna play video games and drink a lot of soda yeah and then something will happen i would just go to my friend's house we'd be laying on the couch we'd try to think of something to do, you know? And it always ends up being the same thing. Like, I guess we're going to the pool or the mall. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. We were saying yesterday that, like, hanging out now and, like, making plans is, like, a mix of anxiety and fear of missing out. It's like, well, what do you... Do you want to hang out tomorrow? It's like, maybe. I would like to. But I also like being alone and lazy so i don't

know if you pick a good brunch spot i might come that's why that mulaney bit is great about how like canceling plans is like doing crack yeah it's the heroin heroin yeah it's like such a relief it's so great you're like oh my god i don't have to do anything yeah i feel like the most exciting thing as an adult is having somebody text you. Oh, I'm so sorry. I got a canceled day. And you're like, oh, I love you. I love you so much. Never say sorry.

Never. And then you have to text back like, oh, that's too bad. But inside, you're just dancing. Yeah, and in your brain, too, you're just like, yes, I get to be lazy. And you also feel like you were going to do something. It's like you were going to go to the gym. But they're like, the gym's closed. Like, I tried, man. That dude, that happened to me on the 4th of July. I something it's like you were gonna go to the gym but like the gym's closed like i tried that dude that happened to me on the fourth of july i was like i'm gonna go to the gym close i'm gonna go swimming close i was like okay well

i think i can still eat like shit today message received universe i'll go home and masturbate fine Fine. I get it. Well, yeah, man. So, yeah, Paul lives in the neighborhood, which is nice. So, yeah, we have our little, like, lunch dates and stuff. We went and got a burger the other day. Things are, it went to Hamilton Tavern. Got the burger for the first time. Great, right?

Mm-hmm. So, so good. Pretty damn good. What do you do for a living where you guys are just doing lunch dates? So I work for an online education company making videos, which is like the most boring, interesting job ever. It's called Lunch Dates Incorporated, and he films lunch dates educationally. So yeah, basically just making different content for kids' shows. Lately I've been doing a lot of like scoring

which is so crazy i just feel like i'm like in my nickelodeon heyday just like all right what kind of crazy sounds can i make really yeah i did this one uh about a month ago where i straight up came i was like all right we're gonna make like a remix doug theme song yes all like mouth sounds and like though oh my god can that be the lead-in can you send that track sure let's make that the lead-in for this podcast absolutely which is it's gonna be great because people are gonna hear that first yeah and then hear this and then be like what the fuck yeah nice so how so you did all those sounds yourself or you find them no so yeah i did most of them myself and then my buddy who helped me uh like engineer he used to be in this band back in the day called Wakefield, and he helped me doing some of the other melodic parts.

I can't sing for shit. Man, what a bummer that you have to waste talent on these weird videos that no one watches. I know. Is that a bummer to you? So this is how I got around it. We wanted to post about it, but we knew that if we just posted about it, and then people will ask, what's this for? You couldn't tell them what it was. He's like, let's just say it's for Nickelodeon.

Let's just say it's for... I was like, okay, cool. He said Nickelodeon, so I posted Nickelodeon, and then he posted the same exact thing and put Cartoon Network. I was like, we got to get on the same page here. We're going to lie. We have the same lie. Right. Cartoon Network. And so I was like, all right, we got to get on the same page here. We're going to lie. We have the same lie. Yeah.

Right. Right. Yeah. It's like, all right, if we're going to try to get this cachet from children's shows, we got to get on the same page.

That's awesome. And so you're a musician. I am. So I also produced for a Baltimore group called Bond Street District. Yeah, buddy. Yeah. So me and Mr. DDM.

Yeah. And yeah, you guys just had a, so yeah, you were part of a Under Armour thing, right? Yeah. DDM. Yeah. Yeah, you guys just had a... So yeah, you were part of an Under Armour thing, right? Yeah, we did it a couple months ago. But this interview for a new series they have about basketball and the culture around it. And neither of us play basketball. I was going to say, neither of you look like you're B-ballers.

I'm really tall. He is really fat. I don't know. It's not it's not good but um you're quoting from the video now right that's what you say you look right in the camera i'm really tall he's white he's fat and so um yeah no it was a lot of fun it was weird so we did this interview with this guy who's on an hbo show um insecure yeah yep um and i had never seen it so i it's a really good show I hear it's really really great It's great I don't have HBO

And I don't have Comcast So I can't complain To them every three months You got a friend With a password over here See there we go That's the thing Now I know why

We're seeing each other Yeah For my HBO password See that's the real reason For like late friendships In your Or friendships in your Late 20s

Yeah And you're like Yeah so We've been hanging out For a while By the way You have HBO, right? Yeah. I heard Billions is a good show.

Do you have Showtime? I mean, I'm not going to pay for it. But yeah, no, it was funny watching this guy walk in the room and watch Manny immediately try... Oh, sorry. Manny DDM. Yeah. Watching his face light up and watch this guy walk across the

room like he was jesus just like but like it was like jesus that he didn't recognize he's like sitting like i know you and i feel like i should be super excited but i don't know and then the second like it clicked with him he just like grabbed my leg yeah it's like you're like what so what did you guys do for them? Did you make music? Did you get interviewed? No, we just got interviewed about being us in Baltimore. Yeah. For a basketball thing.

Yeah, so they have like three parts to it. It's like basketball, clothes, and style, and then music. So I think it's like some sort of lifestyle. That makes sense. There are genres of music that are associated with certain... Right. I think they're trying to draw parallels in the city. You look at the way they play ball and the way they make music and blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

It also is a very corporate way of coming at a thing. Well, yeah. It's just, oh, there's a through line here. It's like the culture is extra here from the courts to the studio. Because the best part about like how that came together it is probably like a bunch of like white people sitting in a boardroom thinking what can we do that's like that's great i love that well the thing is like i just so i i have to sit in a lot of those meetings now and granted it's for a lot less flashy of a company and not the same type of

thing but it is so insane to see the ideas that people will throw out there and like truly believe in. I can only imagine being in something like that where it's an actual creative outlet where it's just like, alright so here's an idea. We're going to take Pink Bubblegum's shoes and put them on Shaq and have him go through a jello

pool. It's like, okay wait a minute. What the fuck are you talking about? It's so weird how producers can get like for like uh i was listening to norm mcdonald uh tell a story when he went on the view and he hates all the women on the view yeah and uh the producer you know they call you like two weeks in advance they'll try to like work out stuff for you to say on the show and he's like how about this how about we do a gag where your phone goes off in the middle of the interview? And he's like, why would that be funny?

And he's like, I'm not going to do that. And the guy's like, come on, it'll be great, it'll be great. And then, like, so he's like, I'm not going to do that. And then they couldn't think of anything. And when he goes to the show, he's talking to the producer. And the producer's like, hey, let's do this phone gag. And he's like, no, not really. And the producer hands him this phone anyway.

So then he goes out and uh they like bring up some issue like he had a picture of him with george bush and like what's with what's with this you know and he's like i don't think he's a bad guy he's like i mean clinton murdered a person and you everyone likes him and he just did it to piss everyone off and everyone's pissed off they're in a bad mood yeah and then like he's trying to dig himself out and out of nowhere hit a cell phone i think he had been up all night gambling too before he went like i don't think he went to bed god norm rules so hard but yeah but like just people's ideas they're so stupid oh my god and like and they're so convinced that they have the best idea and like you'll try to go and like like all right i'm not gonna do the cell phone thing we can

try to think of something else like okay what if it's a fart machine yeah right yeah same idea even dumber they're like right that isn't good let's stick with the phone and uh yeah we'll go with that it's especially funny listening to comedians tell those stories because it's always somebody trying to tell the comedian how to be funny Yeah, it's just like they know nothing about comedy on your show. Yeah It was for me to do my thing. Yeah, it's dumb Yeah, so Paul is is into comedy as well and had been to sidebar a few times like he went to Went to support his friend and that was the night uh i think you

were there where it was like some like bro was doing stand-up for the first time and his name was soup and like everybody kept calling him soup i don't remember this like what a weird like that was one of your first times going to an open mic show it was really cold so it had to have been last winter it might have even been was Soup. I don't know if you. I heard about. I think you were there. But like. So this kid was going up for the first time.

He had like all his bro friends there. Oh, I think he lost a bet. Was that what it was? Yeah. And it was like a Hopkins student. Maybe. I remember going to a mic at Sidebar. And it was unbelievably packed for no reason on a monday night yeah and

this kid was there who's doing comedy for the first time and i and his friends were like yeah he lost a bet that's why he's doing this uh it might this might have been a different guy because this guy was so excited to be there like it wasn't he did not like he took no encouragement okay it was like so it was his birthday apparently um so like i i walked in i didn't know what to expect from this because i'd never been to this night before and so yeah and i knew it was an open mic so i know it could get crazy so i walk in same thing it's like way more packed than i would expect it to be it's sidebar on a monday night but i noticed that it's kind of like your typical run-of-the-mill like comedian type looking people with maybe their girlfriend

personally convinced to go there with them yes and then just this crowd of like oh you don't belong here like suit tie like you said super bro whatever right and then there's this guy in the middle who's holding court with his whole crew and so each comedian that's on stage this is the worst the first guy that was on stage when i walked in crushed he was so funny and like you could tell like he had his tight five like locked down yeah he was real confident yeah in the silence he was able to like manage the crowd really well so like even though he's at an open mic it's like okay you're just here working out basically um so i had the bar set

real high from the get-go i was like oh, oh, this is going to be a great show. So I see this guy, Soup, and every time the comic would say something and get the crowd going, he was heckling him, basically. I mean, he would just shout out different things. But he seemed so confident in it that I was like, oh, he must be a comic. Really good. Right, and he's just there trying to just keep the funny going. They know each other or something. Right, and the guy was so confident on stage that he wasn't phased by it And he's just like, they're trying to just keep the funny going. They know each other or something.

And the guy was so confident on stage that he wasn't phased by it and didn't feel the need to be like, you know, addressing him or anything. He could just like keep going with his material. Yeah. So anyway, night's going on. Finally, like the MC gets up and he's like, all right, well, this is weird, but I guess our next comic is going to come up now because he claims he brought the most people and they have to leave soon. So here's Soup. And the whole crowd's like, Soup!

Stand-up can be so dumb. He's like, here's Soup. I hope Soup was very nice in how he asked because if somebody came up to me and was like hey I would be like dude go fuck yourself I was like there's people here who have been doing comedy way longer than you and you have no right to go ahead of them yeah it's unreal I couldn't believe I mean I could see on the MC's face he's like all right let's just get this over with like you got two minutes hurry up get the fuck oh, people are way too nice.

There's no way I would let that happen. It gets worse. I'd be like, all your friends can leave. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I didn't want them here anyway. Yeah. And they would have been fine with it. There were still plenty of other comics that were waiting to get up that were hanging out after the sets and just chilling.

It would have been fine. Yeah. Because if they're going to leave anyway, you know what I mean? Right after soup, fuck them. Yeah, and then not only that, all the other comics that were going they're still just talking at the ball yeah yeah they're supporting the action yeah like we're here to keep the scene alive man yeah they can give a fuck yeah yeah damn up on stage and this dude proceeds to just like rant about a bunch of stories for like five you know almost almost 10 minutes it felt like i'm sure it wasn't

but well over five minutes sure he can't string any things together he keeps like telling punch lines and then being like oh wait hold let me back up and then like tries to tell yeah so the thing about trevor and i forgot to mention it okay it was exactly that where it was like okay i can see how like in your group of friends that you're the funny guy. You're like, you should do stand-up. Dude, you should tell that story about the fucking Bud Light on stage. And he's like, I will. You're the fucking man, soup. It didn't help that his crew of people

were just pumping him up and every time he'd tell a punchline, they were going nuts and everyone else was like, ha, ha, ha. And they're all yelling soup, right? Yeah. So he keeps going on and on and on and finally the MC jumps up on stage and just rips the mic out of his hand and he's like oh well am i done he's like yeah i've been flashing the light at you for the past five minutes and he goes oh i thought that meant i had more time

and he's like what is happening to be fair why would anyone know what that means right yeah and he might have just been like super nervous too but so just to let people know uh when you're on stage and uh to let you know when your time is up someone will flash like a light or a cell phone from the back of the room yeah usually it means you have like a minute or two minutes basically you gotta next joke you're done yeah yeah and so he gets off stage finally and you know he's back in doing his thing. So his people finally leave, but he stays and just gets plastered. And he's got the voice of God, I swear to God.

His voice projects more than the PA system inside bar. He could talk over anybody. That's the funniest thing when hecklers come up and people are like, I got the microphone, bitch. What are you going to do? It's like, doesn't matter. This guy's going to out-shout you easily, especially in this tiny little basement. So he's just going on and on

and on. And for some people it worked out because they were able to go back and forth with him and make it funny. But for a lot of people, it just fucked their whole show up. And he literally started getting back up on stage to put his arm around whoever was talking.

We're all in it together. Can you imagine? I would be so fucking mad. I don't think I would handle that well. I wouldn't even do that to you. Nobody. It depends. If I was at Sidebar and you did that,

I wouldn't give a shit. If it's a super loose thing, if you do that at my show, I's a super loose thing like i yeah but i definitely like my show oh fuck no i would be like what are you yeah yeah buddy we gotta talk yeah yeah so yeah so he's like fucking up pretty hardcore yeah and then he finally it's like so my buddy i'm waiting for my buddy the whole night and he literally goes on dead last. The second to last guy is another comic who apparently was kind of a regular and he had just been stewing outside the whole time, just like just ranting and raving.

Couldn't wait to get on stage just to tear this guy apart. So Soup's carrying on. This dude gets on stage. He tells his first like joke or two. Soup says something and this guy, fuck it. Do you know who it was i don't know i don't know what he looked like the black dude no he was i he looked like he might have been hispanic i think or like i don't know i really can't remember this is where it gets tough

with comedy it's like uh he was a little disheveled he had a flannel on yeah i know i know yeah yeah yeah exactly um yeah so he just goes the fuck off on this guy and immediately like he doesn't even try to make it funny he just goes straight mean girls and he was good i've been watching you outside for the past three hours begging every comic here to be your friend and asking what you can do to be cool and blah blah he's like how about you shut the fuck up every fucking comic that person is a god. And that's what happened. Sorry, boo.

Every single person in the place was like, yeah. Did he shut up? Dude, this dude, I've never seen. Yeah. He was like the Jolly Green Giant that just got a pinstripe. Deflated at the bar. Like, head down, just shoulder slumped. And then you feel bad because he's like, ah, he didn't.

His intentions were just like, I want to create a fun atmosphere. Yeah, and he doesn't know what comedy is, but now he's like, I did it once. We're all in it together, right? These are my brothers. He got spanked in front of everyone. I mean, he literally put him over his knee,

pulled his pants down and spanked him in front of the crowd. Oh my God. That's so funny. I got stuck in like a youtube black hole i was watching um on friday me and my roommate my roommate works from home on fridays i don't really work in the summers so we were watching videos i was watching antifa videos of antifa people getting fucked up by proud boys i mean that's really not fair like that it's so funny because yeah i mean the proud boys are like working out and shooting guns and shit they're like people are just like

i get my protein from spinach but you know what like antifa it's so funny because like you know antifa anti-fascist group they're like these like super liberal they're to me they're annoying well-intentioned annoying i'm sure yeah uh it's like any group the fringe ones are gonna be terrible skinny scrawny people so they bring weapons to the fights proud boys don't like don't pepper spray proud boys they'll like like so there's a video of this antifa dude coming at a Proud Boy with a metal rod. Proud Boy ducks it and fucking one punch knocks the dude out. Hits him. The dude is knocked out as he's falling and passed out.

The Proud Boy just pushes him down and grabs the rod. Amazing. God. It was so, I don't know why, but it was satisfying to watch so i guess like the new world star but civil war yeah exactly yeah so i got evan watched like a 10 or 10 minute compilation of videos like this and uh it was great and then but uh there was one video of like this kid i guess he was like talking shit and then like like, it was like a high school class. And then the bully came to him.

He was like, come on, man. I heard you're talking to shit. Do something. And I mean, the bully look, I don't know if he was a bully, but the kid who he was talking shit about looked like a grown man. He looked like a high school student. And to watch his ego deflate and just like look like a bitch in front of all his friends like was amazing it's like that video have you seen that one of the kid that was at the

i don't know what rally but like one of those like proud boy neo-nazi whatever yeah yeah and he's got like all the like logos yeah just on and then like they finally like corner him in like a uber like liberal pool and he just like straight up strips it all off and from have you seen that no this kid he looks like he's probably like 17 or whatever and like people are just like chasing him down with their cell phones just like like not trying to like fight him or anything yeah just like what's up man what's up like and he's like he turns around and looks at him and he just like you can tell that he's cornered and he's like my face is on the internet wearing this stuff i know how this works and he just straight takes everything off in like two seconds he's like yeah no no i mean i'm not really like about that i just like i just

like thought it was kind of funny like i just like kind of trolling i was doing a bit i was actually on my way to get vampire weekend tickets so uh i gotta get out of here guys man it was the most uncomfortable thing it was like the opposite of what you just explained it was the most unsatisfying thing where it's like oh you son of a bitch. I love that you can feel bad for essentially like a racist. You know, you're like, oh, that poor guy. He didn't deserve that. Yeah. We live like just everything's so fucking weird now.

The way people sympathize with certain things. I saw this thing the other day where people were outraged because there were people in this neighborhood who were stomping the memorial of a guy who had died. And the memorial was outside of the house that the guy died in. And they were stomping it because the guy died robbing the house. And he got shot by the lady or something like that that lived there. Is this in Baltimore? No, no, no, no, no. It's like in the UK or something like that. So he. This is in Baltimore? No, no, no, no, no.

This is like in the UK or something like that. So he probably didn't get shot because they don't have guns. Right. But yeah, so this guy ended up dying as a result of him breaking into this person's house. I don't know if he tried to assault them necessarily or what the case was,

but he got pelted with biscuits. Get out of here! And they set this memorial up for him and then we're all pissed off that people were like what are you doing right like yeah it's sad that somebody died like that there's no like yeah anything like that but at the same time are you i can't imagine having somebody break into my house and then like them getting killed in the process and then going outside like poor johnny yeah good but what what are you talking about yeah rob me like yeah i hope if i have like a kid or like a like a friend or anyone that i have like the the rationale like you know what fuck yeah whatever fuck him he deserved to

die like if my friend robbed died robbing a house i'd be like ah that sucks that he did that or that it happened but oh fuck him certainly wouldn't make a memorial yeah yeah it's pretty weird yeah it's so bizarre and what is the memorial just like him like crouching and being sneaky uh it's just between the blinds yeah it's a ski mask uh staple to a tree outside the house yeah or like they do with the bikes. It's like spray-painted white or whatever. It's just a screwdriver and like a... Yeah, yeah. I also have... I know people in Baltimore,

you know, like the Red Emma people who... Oh, they're a fun group, huh? They won't call the cops. They refuse to call the cops ever. That's wild. For any reason. And they will try to handle it themselves oh you are so fucking stupid so i have a friend tell me a story she lives in this apartment where

she hears this like couple fighting all the time could be like domestic violence involved and they're like well i don't know what to do we cut off oh no no i'm just checking the battery they're like i don't know what to do because i don't believe in calling cops because it's a black couple and I don't want to get out of hand. Which is, like, I understand the intention. Sure. But how bad would you feel if something happens to one of those people? Right. Yeah.

And, like, what the fuck are you two white hipsters? What are you going to solve? Like, what are you going to do? Like, you know? Right. Yeah. Like, the only thing you're good at is pickling and making cold brew. You don't have a skill set to deal with this.

Yeah. It's so, it's weird. It's a weird thing. Have you ever called the cops on anybody? Never. Yeah, me either. I almost did years ago when I heard my neighbors in, like, a crazy fight. It was, like, middle of the night.

They had, like, a party during the day or, like, a barbecue. And they'd always been like super nice i think they're in their like mid-30s this couple and then just like at like one in the morning i think it was on a sunday night he was like you fucking bitch just like so loud and i was like jesus christ what the fuck is happening he's like you do that right in front of me like so i don't know what happened at the party. Maybe they're sloppy. And I'm like, Jesus, should I call the cops? And then he's just dressing her down.

And he goes, and you only suck my dick when you want money. That's so funny. I was like, all right, I'm not going to call the cops. I've just never been in a position where I was like, but I would. I would not have. If I thought someone was in danger, you know, and that's like a gray area. That's what I mean. It was weird where I was like, but I would. I would not have. If I thought someone was in danger. Yeah. You know, like, and that's like a gray area.

That's what I mean. It was weird. It's like, should I? But then, like, the fight died down after that. Like, if you heard, like, stuff breaking, you know? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard.

I didn't hear her at all. Like, if she was like, no. I heard when I lived in an apartment in Mount Washington, I was alone. And I heard this couple fighting above me. And she was, like, kicking them out of the apartment and, like, just, you know, like, you don't help out with anything, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, and he's like, you nasty. You tried to put in my ass last night.

It was so funny. And I was like, is this real life? Am I being trolled? Hello, 911? Yeah. Yes, he tried to put in it. He nasty. Get down here please He nasty

Sir sir stay on the line Karen At her apartment In DC Her neighbor was this crazy Woman and I didn't know What the scenario was like I think that she was like maybe the

Side piece of some guy and he like put her up in this apartment because i could always hear her yelling i never hear him and then one day uh karen said another woman like showed up to the apartment it was like this is mine this is mine and like got cut somehow like grabbing like went to grab something and there was like blood in the hall yeah so really crazy and the cops showed up for that one uh so a little while after that i heard the woman yelling and i couldn't really it was like sort of muffled so i did the thing where you put like a glass on the wall and you can like kind of hear through the wall and uh it just like

as soon as i did it i heard her she was like and you almost had me murdered on my birthday and i was like what and then she follows it up with this she goes and you have yet to apologize and i'm like what is happening that's great you have yet to apologize i used to live in fells point right across the street from uh this bar called one eye mike's a couple doors down from this place called the get down that's not there anymore oh yeah i never went there oh yeah you should never have gone oh okay there's no reason it's funny every time i would go by there the only times i would go by and they'd be playing music where i was like oh i could actually like go in there and have a drink and listen to this yeah

dead empty nobody in there really oh my drink and listen to this. People get dead empty. Nobody in there. Really? Oh, my God, yeah. Anytime they had actual good music, completely empty. Whenever they would have some sort of- Like shitty DJ night? Yeah, well, shitty DJ night or their big thing that you would see the most crazy people out of were those underground techno goth rave things where it's the people with the Jenko jeans and people hanging out of it and the like multi-colored dread yeah gas mask for some reason yeah because i'm sure those shows are so far and few in between in a place like baltimore right except for there that yeah

when it happens at one time of the month everyone's gonna be there get your glow sticks we're going yeah it's so funny the fights you would hear out there every once in a while i'll go through my phone and scroll like as far back as i can and there's so many videos that i took outside my window of people just fighting like that's one that's pretty good people watching oh my god i have this one like 10 minute long video of these two bros the best who are just smashed from day drinking. And they're literally, I couldn't,

for 10 minutes, I couldn't tell if they were going to fight or fuck right on the side. Like literally, they're sitting there like head to head, nose to nose, like I'll fuck you up, bro.

Blah, blah, blah. I fucking love you. You know, I do this because I love you, bro. And like, I seriously was just like, man,

like I do kind of want them to start fighting, but also I kind of want them to kiss. I want them to kiss a little bit. Making out while punching each other. I genuinely thought they were going to start wrestling, and then before you know it, are they making out right now? They are making out.

God damn it, Chad. Can you imagine if you approach life, life must be so difficult for people who act that way. Or easy. I fucking love you, you bro it's just like you wake up the next day you do you do any self-reflection no because i if i did that and i woke up the next day like i would be in therapy that afternoon yeah absolutely like what the fuck did that take some self-awareness like i met i met karen and fells point which is like more of like a uh broey kind of like

party ish bar strip a lot yeah a lot of a lot of bars and i met her there because she was with a friend and uh the bar that i went into is blaring acdc which we don't have to hear acdc anymore like we've all heard the songs it's fine and there's just tons of people in there and it's like so loud where you have to like scream into the person's ear it's like so what are we you know i'm just like what why is this fun this is your saturday night like this is like yeah like bud light acdc loud as shit you get fucked up as hell and you're like no i go to work on monday and then i do it again and like dude whatever Like everyone's had like a crazy night, maybe like once in a blue moon. Oh, sure. Even if you're having like if you're getting fucked up to the point where you do awful shit, you're fighting with your significant other.

You're fighting with people around you. Yeah. And that even happens like once a month. That's too much. That's too much. But it does. It does happen. Yeah.

I mean, we all have stories of like black blacking out and doing dumb shit but i'm just so much dumb shit but it's so far in few but i'm saying it's more dark to be cognizant of the facts like hey we're going to the fucking rusty scupper and they're playing ac dc so that's my saturday night i'm like oh hey different different strokes yeah that's what i see when i see people who post on instagram from like the, you guys know the Merritt in Canton, the gym? Yeah. They have that rooftop pool. Yeah. It's like, come work out slash just get wasted and look at people in bikinis.

Yeah. Yeah. Because they have bars up there and like a hot tub. They're like, yeah, come to the gym. You know what's funny? Like yesterday, I wanted, me and my girl wanted to go to a pool and we forgot. We're like, oh, dude, there's public pools. Right.

Yeah. We went to Patterson. $2. Yep. Amazing pool. Not crowded. Swim some laps. Hang out.

It's fucking awesome. Yeah. It's so great. I need to do that. Even the Roosevelt pool here, the public pool, they do a night thing, too, as well. Yeah. You can have night swims. Yeah.

They all do. And we forgot about the Roosevelt pool. Yeah. Because I usually swim at Druid. It's not the most fun to hang out at because the water is gross. And I'm scared to go back because they have to shut down. I swam. The water was really green.

I was like, fuck, I really want to work out. That's how much of body dysmorphia I have. I'm willing to risk getting a disease just so I burn calories. Yeah, you're like, I need to be healthy so I'll do this unhealthy thing. This water gives me diarrhea. If I get diarrhea in the water, no one will know.

I did have diarrhea really badly two weeks ago or three weeks ago. That was a blessing for you though. I posted. I was like, I missed my diarrhea. I lost five pounds. Umar was so excited. He's like, dude, I'm looking good. I've had diarrhea. Yeah, but we went to the pool and it was so great.

And yeah, but then like, I think people like go to these pools and go to stuff just to show people like, look at my life. It's cool. It's really weird. I think it's so crazy how like, even like like so I think it's stupid to like live your life on social Media and I'm like everybody else and have an Instagram and still do the same shit Yeah, I was on a hike yesterday with my dog and like I found myself like Enjoying the hike, but I kept like trying to make the dog stop

Look how cute my dog is. Yeah, I like so fun right now we're just out here doing the damn thing yeah so i've been i've been very and i've been thinking about this like people use social media to if i think you're being dishonest if you are saying like i just want to share what i'm like no you want people to think yeah doing cool stuff which is there's it's fine it's a little gross it's a weird there's something weird about it absolutely the part that like is like then other people watch it and it you get like they've done studies people get jealous you have lower self-esteem because you think you're not as cool you don't look as good well i started uh for like i this was very new like two for the last two weeks i just i told myself i was like the only thing i post now is comedy related so i only post shows that i'm gonna do pictures of

shows uh jokes that's it and like nothing else i think yeah that's my goal and uh well i'm like nanette and i just won't do self-deprecation anymore and me and my girl were trying to go to italy in august and uh and we made a no no social media rule when we're over there that's awesome yeah right on i fully agree with that because i think you gotta post some stuff though i'm not gonna i mean really she can i'm not gonna i think i feel like so uh my girlfriend and i just went to uh tulum uh a couple months ago because yeah we're white in history. Yeah. Tulum rules.

What is Tulum? I don't know. In Mexico. So, Tulum is like the new, like this year I feel like that's like the spot where it's like, oh, go to Tulum. It's so like exotic and special. It's basically two or three hours south of Cancun. Okay.

And it's just kind of like more secluded and like way like yeah we're key it's not like overcrowd with tons of people it's a lot more like natural and right right anyway it's a lot of fun sounds gay and it's beautiful it's really gorgeous guys like oh my god I can't tell you how much time I mean we didn't spend a ton of time but like there was definitely this like weird pressure whenever we see something like that was like oh man this is really beautiful like gotta get a really good picture of this got to yeah and it was it's not like oh i want to take a really it's not for you right it's not for everyone else right i think everyone should question that behavior right right yeah i noticed i was doing it i was

like why why am i trying to impress people fuck them well yeah it's it's uh um it's weird it's like uh like a cyclical thing where you see other people's shit and you're like why i should be doing like it makes you sad but then you post the thing of like i'm doing great it's this very curated thing of like well i'm doing awesome and then the other person's like i'm doing awesome too there's a picture like nobody's posting a picture it's like like, God, I have diarrhea. Yeah, like the way I try to, and I've been doing it, and I learned this from my comedian friend Liz Mealy, is I use social media to trick people into thinking,

to try to trick people into thinking you're killing it harder in the game than you actually are. So then other people look at that and like, I got to book that guy. That's what you want to do right that's how i literally had smart i literally had that idea because i posted a thing i was like here's all my summer dates yeah hoping that it would like be got more dates yeah no and and and it's there's i think you have and it works dude it fucking works yes totally oh my god you have to do that because otherwise people don't know like but there is the it's gross but that is the used like car salesman bit of like being in entertainment like it's just like so do you do shows like yeah i just don't post about like oh okay like that's weird but you have to be like hey i'm good i'm doing it you know so funny like the different ways that

you can do that whether like i can't tell you how many times i've posted pictures like from the crowd and it looks absolutely packed, and it's like, that was the four people that were there. You just put them together in the front, and shot between their heads. Who gives a fuck? Exactly. Some of the stuff I remember posting, there were times where I would see people for the first time in months, and they would come, like, man, you're crushing it.

You're on tour all the time. I'm surprised you're even home. I'm like, I haven't been out of the state in a year. What are you talking about? Yeah, dude, I get the same thing. Oh, man, you're even home. I haven't been out of the state in a year. What are you talking about? Yeah, dude, I get the same thing. Oh, man, you're like a touring comic. I'm like, mm-mm. Yeah, it's like, damn, you're crushing it.

I'm proud of you, man. It's okay. It's so cool to see you following your dreams. I'm depressed a lot. Oh, yeah, most of the time. But celebrities do. That's what celebrities do. They create a persona, and then we get tricked into thinking that's what celebrities do. They create a persona. Yeah.

And then we get tricked into thinking that's what it is. That's the brand, baby. Yeah, the branding. The brand. This is what's weird. People are branding just their life, right? Mm-hmm. It's a weird thing.

Like, okay, now I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I'm doing... But it's like, what's your talent? What are you selling? Just that your life is cool right pretty much that's all lifestyle blogger thing that's oh my god which is just every which is just like a chick who's hot yeah yeah i can't say she likes the attention for just being hot also nobody on youtube is my boy i want to get that yeah every single video it's like what's like, what's up? It's your boy, Damon.

And here's my review of the new, like, I don't care. I don't care. You're not my boy. It's your boy. What's up?

It's so, it's so crazy. Like every time I see a lifestyle blog, there's this, there's this one. I won't say her name because she's not going

to listen to this. It doesn't matter. You're a Baltimore person? Yeah. Be careful. She's our guest next week. You got to tell us when these mics get turned off.

Oh my God. So she, she posted this thing i think she went to tulum or something like that she wanted white people mecca yeah exactly so she goes and she writes this whole blog post when she gets back and she like like documents it on her instagram story and it like starts off it's like one of those like slide to slide at least it could have just like said the whole message in the first one but you like make people click like 13 times like you're getting oh right right right it's make people click like 13 times. Like you're getting,

Oh, right, right, right. It's like, so something on my mind next. And you're like, ah,

fuck, here we go. Yeah. All right. She goes through the whole thing. She's like, so I've been feeling really blue and down with winter and yada, yada,

yada. So I like really invested in some self care and I just released my new blog post About blah blah blah And she basically I know who you're talking about Do you know who I'm talking about? Yes Sure this whole thing And basically was like

If you're sad and depressed during winter Take a vacation to Mexico Wow Hey stop Thanks so much Just have like a couple thousand dollars to spend Yeah like take time off from work And just go on a vacation Just take two weeks and go to tulum yeah fly into cancun rent a car drive down

yeah like what the fuck which you know i will tell you renting a car in mexico was the cheapest thing i've ever done in my entire life i rented a car from enterprise for seven days, eight days, guess how much it was for the entire week? Like 20 bucks. $11.95. Jesus. Go fuck yourself. And this wasn't like falling apart. It was from Enterprise. It was a little Nissan, but it was great because I could run it everywhere.

I mean, there was a Mexican family in the back the whole time. Well, they were actually pushing it. It didn't run. They had a great time. What? Andale. No, Tulum is really cool. Yeah, where it has like, it's a little more like rustic and not as like touristy.

But then you go to a place and you're like, wow, this is great. We're going to get great burrito. And then they have smoothies. And they're like, and the Wi-Fi password is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every place has assay bowls and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So me and my girlfriend, we're trying to go to Italyaly but we're probably gonna i mean we're fucking we're

i'm stupid because i just i wanted to do this alone and i was like what am i doing i'll bring karen and then you're really gonna seize it up gonna go over there and learn how to make pasta i just like i just never been and i have the summers off i feel like i waste them you know well it's only my second one so but still uh but you know uh so i was like all right i'll go to europe and uh but we're gonna probably drop a lot more money because we're doing it so late i was gonna say when are you going this summer yeah holy shit and uh yeah we looked it would be like 800 for the ticket and then uh but what i don't give a shit yeah it's it's worth it it's worth it and i have the money and i'm you know yeah it's kids or anything i would say

like the picture thing i think there's uh i don't think it's a black and white thing to like share the picture. It's not. It's a personal thing. The thing that bothers me and I really, I wanted to do a bit about this. Just people like they would post a picture of like their dinner or their drink or whatever it is. It's like, how's your Saturday night? I think I just won Saturday.

It's like, bitch, you're on the same instagram i am you have not won shut the fuck like there's a way to also like share pictures and be like hey this is cool versus like i'm the fucking man huh yeah it's really it's yeah but yeah so we're we're i want to we want to go to italy i want to do like like a beach there and stuff yeah uh i i i was against renting a car but i was hanging out when i was hanging out with uh mark norman this weekend name drop oh hey is your foot okay yeah big name yeah he um if you're in italy get a car yeah what are you doing um and he rented a car and he said everyone told him not to do it but he he said it was so fun. He was saying driving through Italy is beautiful. It's fun.

You can just... Everyone does it. You're on the wrong side of the road. Yeah, you're on the wrong side. You're speeding, and you're driving on these insane cliffs and shit. And like twisty and shit. And I was like, that sounds amazing. Yeah.

Yeah, I hope we do it. I'm like, yeah, we're trying to buy your tickets this weekend. Nice. Yeah. I didn't even have a passport. I had to apply for a passport. I had to spend for a passport. I had to spend a bunch of money to get it.

How much was that? All together, it was like 220 bucks. Nice. Whatever. It's such a slow process, too, I feel. It might be faster now, but I got one almost 10 years ago, like nine years ago. I don't know, because I booked my tickets to Mexico without thinking about leaving the country. That's right. You need a thing for that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because it made me think with my girlfriend and I where she was like, why don't we just do a bunch of small trips because, you know, she works and she's like, let's go to Canada.

We can go to the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. Montreal's cool. And Montreal and see Chappelle and stuff. Yeah. He's there that weekend. Oh, nice. And I was like, oh, I don't have a passport. She's like, oh, you're in Canada.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, that is pouring don't have a passport. She's like, oh, you're an idiot. Okay, yeah. Ooh, that is pouring. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's definitely nice to have a passport, too, just for those trips where you're just like, well, I could if I want. Yeah, you can escape the country.

I mean, the country's doing great. You're feeling down. You just need to get away for a couple of weeks. The sun hasn't been out for a couple of days, honestly, it's raining really hard right now. I might just go to Mexico right now. I'm nervous now. I know, with our batteries. I got to get a charger.

We're good. We're definitely still recording. So you got any projects coming up, dude? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, so Paul has a... If I could mansplain for you for a second. Yeah, please.

Bond Street has a little bit of like, not, I was going to say frots, but like you guys kind of went through the ringer a little bit of like not uh i was gonna say frots but like you guys kind of went through the ringer a little bit of like and that's why it kind of like compares to comedy too just like art in general like you know with like comedy it's like god in the beginning it's so fun i'm fucking doing it and then you start doing it like oh this is like a job it's not as fun and like so you guys kind of had that where it's like wouldn't it be cool one day to do this and then you get there and you're like, what the fuck?

This is way different than. It was wild. I mean, you know, we, I feel like we started off really fast and like everything. How old were you also? So I was 25, I guess. 24, 25. And he was 29, 30 or something. How old are you now?

So I'm 29 now. Okay, okay. Just turned 29 last week. Nice. Last year being relevant. Hey, man, I'm 31 and I'm fine. I'm cool as hell. You're a dude, so it doesn't matter.

But yeah, so we met each other and everything just happened fast. We met each other and within two just happened fast like we met each other and within two months we had our first ep and music video out it got such a great response like everybody was all about it we're getting write-ups all over the place um i don't know if you've ever heard of uh day trotter yeah so it's like a pretty popular i wouldn't call it a podcast although it is kind of a podcast now right now it's like a podcast but it started off like pre-podcast days yeah kind of like a website where they'd have bands come through their studio and do like live in-house cool and usually kind of like stripped down sometimes too tiny desk or whatever it's like a free tiny desk type stuff yeah the thing is they've

gotten some huge acts to come in a lot of them were like on the up and you know they were like rising you know when they when they came through and then became huge people but like we went in there and like within our first year they reached out to us like hey can you come out to the Midwest and do a session and like we're in the studio there and we're talking to him it's like so you guys do like a lot of Indian stuff do you do any rap and they're like oh yeah we've definitely done some rap I actually just posted a blog about this if you're feeling sad this winter just go out to day trotter and do a session just hop on out there yeah super cool people yeah um what's it called i hope that story gets back to that person i'm kidding i'm kidding she's on her instagram story

so i just heard the digression session yeah um so i was like yeah so you guys do a lot of hip hop and they're like yeah you know sometimes and i was like oh cool who was the the like last hip hop act that you had expecting it hip-hop. And they're like, yeah, you know, sometimes. And I was like, oh, cool. Who was the, like, last hip-hop act that you had? And expecting it to be some random person that I've never heard of that's, you know, local, whatever. And I'm like, I think it was, like, a month ago we had Mobb Deep in. And I was like, what? I don't even listen to hip-hop. I know who that is. Right, right.

I was just like, hold on. Okay. So, but, yes, like, that's just kind of, like, in a nutshell. Like, we ended up doing this, like, little tour. We went south by southwest. And, like, everything just kind of like in a nutshell, like we ended up doing this like little tour. We went south by southwest and like everything just kind of was like clicking really, really fast. Yeah. Like you said, it's like, it's the type of thing where you always dream of like kind

of like hitting it big from like the jump and like hit it big. But just. That's huge though. I mean, on any level, just to be like, wow, we're doing the real shows and like the shows that people have heard of. Yeah. I think though, I get, I think what you're saying is in the beginning like when you you don't realize how uh which those things help a lot and they and they're they're cool and it's a it's a good notch on your belt but you think

in the beginning it's gonna lead to even more stuff where a lot of times it doesn't right and when the when you're in it long enough like you're like like like like i would i used to get i mean it happened to me recently too but now like i used to get really jealous when i saw people like oh man they get to open up like we you know i saw our buddy martin amini got to open up for uh bill maher bill maher and i didn't feel any jealousy nope i was like i don't know if I would do well with that crowd. I'm fine with that. Like, yeah, it's six thousand people or something.

Crazy. Something wild. Yeah. It's thousands of people for sure. Yeah. Like I was just whatever. But if this was like two years ago, I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah.

God damn it. How did he get that? Yeah. You realize, too, that it's like it's not like the opportunities end either it's like yeah now we'll never book umar for anything like and you realize that most of the time it has nothing to do with like your ability it's like you know just who you know and whatever or the last last time the booker saw you was pretty recent so like oh you're fresh like are you a right fit it's a lot of it is like do you fit what this person's looking for

totally totally yeah right yeah so it was it was just crazy you know how quickly things were were popping off and it felt like overnight it went from me just locally going to shows and seeing musicians that i looked up to for a long time that was like damn like i you know really hope that someday like we get to hang out and like maybe make some music it felt like overnight went from me looking up to them to then going to those same places and them coming up to me and be like, hey, I really love the project, man. It's really awesome. You're like, whoa.

Yeah. And then your friends see that. Oh, yeah. Like ball kind of rolling. And then they start talking like, oh, man, you're doing it. You're going places. Yeah. Remember us little people.

Yeah. The thing that really freaked me out was when I started seeing people that I went to high school with that I hadn't talked to since high school posting about my group. Like, my buddy's blah, blah, blah. You're like, we're not friends. I hate you. You're a dick.

When I talk about all those people in high school that got fat now and I make fun of them, that's you. It was so crazy. Like you said, you always hope for that and then when you kind of get there it's like you see behind the curtain you're like yeah this is what it's actually like and like it was fine i mean like i definitely enjoyed everything that we were doing but at the same time you realize like oh it doesn't change right it's always the same what was that moment for you where you're just like oh this isn't what i thought it was i don't know i think i think it was i think it was the feeling of

like after our album release party for a full-length album that was like a huge blowout it was your first debut feature album yeah yeah record label and and like church on vulcan right on vulcan yeah and we uh out now listen yeah on spotify apple music pay for it but uh yeah so we oversold autobar i mean like they literally had to shut the doors on people because we couldn't let anybody else in i mean like it was that's an achievement man that's huge it was really special for me personally because autobar was the first venue i ever played a show like real venue that i played a show when i was like 16 years old yeah and then you also see bands there too like i'm sure even playing when you're 16 you're like wow brand new was on this stage i remember being on the stage just looking at all

the posters along the wall yeah what yeah like seriously having that moment like looking at my feet on the stage like this is where they stood and it's funny too it's like this is such shitty carpet but yeah it's really fucking cool so that moment was like really crazy because like we had the whole crowd in the palm of our hands like like it was a moment of just i'm sure you guys have had it yeah like a packed house and you like and if they come to see you over it was yeah it's like we're not the opening band no it was such a crazy feeling to literally like have the house lights go out and like the pre-music start playing in the crowd like you could feel they're like fuck yeah people are so and then the second like yeah i i have oh my god setup thing that i got custom built for it and i was able to basically sneak up on stage from backstage and

just kind of like rise up from behind it you know what i mean yeah and then but then people just go nuts like and like people like just seeing like the whole crowd like yeah and you guys had like a whole like production too as far as like stage setup there was like lights and dancers and shit theater come and like light the entire bar custom stage built we had yeah I think seven or eight like musical guests that joined us on I mean it was up yeah he he snuck out so I came up on stage and started everything we had projections going across all the walls on like auto bar like all this stuff and like all this weird you know that's awesome dude it was crazy and then he went through the back he snuck out around the back of auto bar came into the crowd comes through the crowd but he has two girls

dressed head to toe and like these like i don't know how to explain it like these like dresses with like these skull like skull face masks that were like shrouded and stuff like that yeah they like processed up and like brought him up to the stage it was crazy it was such a production that's so cool so i mean like everybody's just losing their minds they're like this is so over the top this is interesting like when you're in a crowd that mentality mentality that comes over you like okay like you're at a show and i do this like um like like if like uh like a band at the end of their show uh if they like a bunch of the little paper shits. Oh, like confetti and stuff. Confetti.

For some reason, you're like, yeah! Like a normal life, you're like, who gives a fuck? But for some reason, it's cool. Or like if an explosion goes off, you're like, oh my God! Pyrotechnics.

Yeah, yeah. Wow, we're doing it! Yeah! Best night of our lives! Yeah, it's so stupid! It's crazy, though. It really does. I mean, like, like and i could see it i could see it on people's faces the second the lights are going nuts like yeah people were like whoa yeah it was like i like to this day i still have people come up to me who were like i can't tell you how mad

i am that i was on my family vacation that weekend because i really like i was gonna fly home to see it wow i decided not to and i regret it still and i'm like it's still a local show yeah still yeah it like it really did like set a huge precedence for kind of like who we were as yeah we already had like a really good reputation of being kind of like right you know like it was more he it's really from him it's not me he is like a school of diana ross and by beyonce and all these different he's big people so yeah spectacle he's always into the spectacle being extra going over the top putting on a show which is which crowds respond to it's like you're making an effort like fuck you do that like yeah especially nowadays when you got

to think of every when you put on a show like you have to think of everything you know totally everything and the people who do that it there's you know there's no question as to why they're more successful than other local talent right absolutely the cool thing about that is that i i saw the impact from that and again really of no credit to myself because he was the one who pushed for all the visuals and all the different stuff um but before that show we would go to a lot of local shows at the crown or metro or audible whatever and you would see a lot of people performing in duos or like you know rappers by themselves or singers by themselves and they would just like walk up with their cell phone and like put the cell phone with like an aux cable out of it and like press play yeah like start doing their first

thing and then and like thanks press play and then do their next thing yeah after that show you started seeing people like okay now i'm gonna get like a dedicated dj who's gonna at least do some like intro outro music and like dancers on stage even if it's just like their friends who are gonna like hype them like you just saw people suddenly be like oh okay like i gotta do more than just like yeah up on stage and do my shit yeah i'm gonna shoot confetti out of my cell phone so yeah you have to like i mean like i tell people like i would say 90 of the time you can tell if a show i'll speak for comedy because that's what i know you can tell if a comedy show is good or not by the flyer yeah if a flyer is super shitty just

headshots of like it's gonna be a bad i almost always will be yeah if you see a flyer with clearly somebody's facebook profile picture which is not a headshot you're like ah that's not gonna be a good one huh yeah it's so funny now like you show up to a show and uh like you know you show up to show and it's just like dude if you would have put 10 minutes of effort into rearranging the chairs and stuff you would have had a way better show than right bringing the lights down yeah and bring lights yeah uh have a better pa our buddy ramin uh the show i did last night at a brewery he had to set all of it up he brings his own stage his own backdrop his own lights uh saying bye i was like all right see you guys later i was on my way out he this motherfucker has like a small u-haul trailer of all of his shit and like he takes pride in having a spotlight and he had a ton of extension

cords just in case i don't even know how many local shows i've been on that could have been a good show yes if people would have just put effort into like you know doing all the setup and like where it's like you come in it's like why do you why did you just like at the crowns like why just leave all these tables and chairs out like set up a row of chairs it's so easy it's so it pisses me off and it sets uh like like you guys having like making the effort makes the crowd excited too so if you walk into a venue and it looks nice and there is the row of chair it's like oh this is a legit show versus like shit just like you know hipsters like i don't know just sit like wherever like i do a show at joe squared and it takes us almost an hour to set up the room which is like whatever it's a bummer but you do it and then somebody else i'm not you know i won't say who

but they were doing a show down there and i was like let me go see and uh it was pretty full but they just left everything the way it was so it was all these people scattered and it was a horrible show because the energy is all energy is all off because everyone's displaced it's stupid yeah especially in a venue like that where it's specifically not a comedy club like it almost makes it that much more special when you do put that effort yeah said the crown you make it feel like a comedy right it's like you walk in the crowns like oh this is oh, this is a different thing here. It's a real show. I'm not just going to sit here and listen to dance music

and get drunk. I don't want to change the environment. So now you're just over it. No, I'm kidding. That show definitely was so exciting. I was soup the entire time. This is my new thing. I'm doing comedy. I'm just going to be a professional heckler. I'm going to entire time. This is my new thing. I'm doing comedy.

I'm just going to be a professional heckler. I'm going to follow people around and just be that guy. Yeah. I think that a YouTube channel is going to get a lot of money. What's up? It's your boy, Paul. Yeah, you just heckle like Taylor Swift and shit. Right, right, right. But yeah, man, that show was so fun and special.

And then after that, it was like, I remember talking to people after that show and they were fun and special and then after that it was like i remember talking to people after that show and they were coming up to us like we were celebrities when we were like actually close for like waiting in line to like like their turns i was just talking to a friend of mine he's like dude we waited in line for 20 minutes to come talk to you like super excited and i'm like i used to be in a band with them like right we still hang out just like you said that perception of the show they were like giddy and like the second they get up they're like oh hey what's up i'm like hey what's going on yeah that's right i know you yeah yeah um right but even in that there were people who were coming up and they weren't being shitty at all they were

all yeah it was awesome congratulations so what's next yeah i just spent like five thousand dollars of my own money and like yeah yeah like put this thing on like i've been like on suicide watch for like two months leading up to this because you have you have a full-time job too and then it's yeah that's where it's like okay i'm gonna put all this extra effort in it's gonna be a hell of a show and then like put your heart and soul into it. They're like, dude, that was great. So, when's your next album? Like, what the fuck? Yeah, like, you have no idea how hard it is. That's why I have so much respect for comedians because, like, I know how hard it is to come up with material.

Yeah. And, like, for me, like, I have the crutch of, like, music and all these things and, like, repetition. And, like, I can have verse, chorus verse course verse course and extend things that way where it's like as a comedian like unless you have a very specific like type of comedy like yeah unless you're just gonna be doing callbacks the whole time like it's hard to like sit there and just like tell a joke tell another joke go back to that first joke yeah back to the second yeah that's not gonna work yeah you guys remember when I said wheat bread? Yeah.

That was fun. And then like, you know, once you get to the level of like putting out specials and shit like that, it's like work your ass off for your, you know, half hour, hour, whatever it is. And then it's like, all right, throw it out the window. The first the first album special most comics record. That's a decade of work. That's so true.

Yeah. It's a decade of work. That's why sometimes they're sometimes like the best that that person does right first album it's the first and then that's where i'm at i just recorded and we're gonna really i like we're gonna release it hopefully next month i was gonna reshoot some stuff but i was like fuck it it's taking too long yeah fuck perfection i don't care i'm proud of what i did right uh congrats by the way that's huge yeah thanks and uh i I have that same feeling. People are like, oh, man, what's next?

And I'm just like, I guess sidebar opened my heart. It took me this long to get this shit. I can't imagine that feeling because I know similar with releasing an album, and that's essentially my equivalent. Yeah. Then you get to the point like, well, you put all this work into it, and you're like, who the fuck's going to see it besides people who already seen you right it sucks but you know i think in the in the long run though it's so much cooler to have that out though like it's it's a nice milestone amazing it sounds great

yeah really yeah and you crushed it so it's gonna be fucking great we live in now with all the different media outlets whether it's online or whatever there's so many different ways that you can get your stuff picked up so yeah yeah yeah flicks or hbo or showtime or whoever picks up a special there's still a pretty decent chance that like you might end up on crackle right or something or yeah like yeah i know um there's a comedian in dc this guy robert mack he does a bit on the zoo uh the the zoo in dc and then there's some like i forget what it's called on facebook but you know all those like pages where it's like we heart funny or whatever and they share random videos so he added on there it's like some type of like bar comedy or something like that it has two million views that bit yeah see it's that's the

other thing too that's so crazy i have so many friends of mine who i'll randomly see things that they got picked up on like uprox or something yeah all of a sudden it's like in four days it's like 100 000 views it's like dude yeah and it's fucking weird too like and then that doesn't guarantee anything either it's just like and then it's like i mean it's like oh they're famous now and then two weeks later it's like no just no i got lucky with that one thing right and like a year later they're like tbt i was pretty good on the internet for a little while yeah yeah that's that's the tough thing about the internet is that it is such a good outlet for people who are coming

up and trying to get their shit out there like you said like the instagram like putting your shows out there and right showing people like how to find your stuff and everything right but then it's just like this constant grind of like oh cool like you reach 10 000 followers that's tight when are you gonna reach 100 000 like when are you gonna get that m yeah it's like 10 school i guess you're doing any sponsored content you're making money on it there's always more shit you could fucking be doing like it's like that's the treadmill effect that like yeah me in a way where it was just like dude you're doing the same like one thing that was crazy to me that was kind of funny was so i for all my music stuff i work out of uh ableton it's this software that you know you can perform live with and record into and everything it's a lot of people

use it a lot of electronic musicians use it and so um anyway um it's always a pain in the ass because you have to manage so many stupid things with it it's constantly like crashing if you don't use it right a lot of people will tell you they either love it or absolutely fucking hate it right so um i always had this like excuse of like well i don't really know this program that well and i'm always like fucking up with it and it's always like a pain in the ass you gotta update shit and whatever and so we were going out to la to uh do some recording with some people and at one point um the person we're staying with was like hey let's go hang out with my friend chris uh he does some production for bass nectar yeah and i'm not a big

bass nectar fan but i know who he is and he's an EDM god. Huge EDM musician to hundreds of thousands of people anyway. So I'm like, okay, well, that's pretty cool. It'd be cool to get an insider's perspective on what their sessions are like, whatever. And I get in there and literally a dude's sitting there with his Ableton crash

and he's like, fuck, shit. God damn it. And I was like, oh, again, shit done changed. No. It's really no matter

how much money is involved no matter how famous whatever yeah the same fucking same fucking grind all the same dumb shit yes you're always if you get to a certain level and you think like oh i can breathe no one ever can it's now you have to maintain and what's the next thing and even even maintaining is like a little frowned upon it's like yeah you're not gonna do a little yeah right you're not gonna step up yeah it's like yeah like i almost died getting here they're like i mean i guess i don't know i saw that uh amy schumer has a podcast yeah that's a bad sign for your career yeah name another celebrity that has a

podcast at her level. True. Exclusively on title. No celebrity comic has a podcast. The only thing I think because I think hers is exclusive to Spotify so they might have paid her a large chunk. But her last

two movies were eh. Bad reviews. Hated by the public. I hopeane amount of money. But her last two movies were eh, bad reviews. Yeah. Hated by the public. Yeah. I hope you saved your money. Yeah. Right. Because none of that shit is Garrett.

Because it's so wild. She's got a bad reputation in terms of like she's recently pulled some stunt where a dude was headlining his first ever headlining set at Caroline's, which is a big deal. In New York. In New Yorkork one of the major clubs major club uh she is doing snl that week and normally when a comic does snl they run their monologue uh all the all week at bunch of different venues right uh and when you're famous you show up you can bump whoever the fuck you want but there is a there is a protocol too like

you can let the club know and if and if you're bumping somebody you can like let if you show up to like an open mic or a local showcase who gives a fuck right you know yeah it's uh she shows up during this she shows up to the club the club's like uh well their headliner is already on stage because the headliner is not on stage just throw you on before the headliner. Not a big deal. People are so jazzed. It kind of sucks for the headliner. It does suck. Now you have to follow a celebrity. A super famous person.

Chappelle's cool. He did it in a cool way one time. I worked with a guy from LA, and he was hosting at a club. Manager pulls up. He's like, all right, man, cannot tell anyone this. Chappelle is going to drop in tonight. You have to, when you intro him, he doesn't want you to say his name and he doesn't want to like do a separate set because it was a open mic at a club but the open mic's always like sold out so what chapelle does is like me and you are both gonna

go up we're gonna host together and then in between every comic we're just gonna riff and that way the crowd stays the whole show because they want to see chapelle riffing between every comment yeah that's awesome you don't really ruin the show and the guy said every comic crushed because the crowd was in such a good mood yeah yeah and and dave is selfless too where it's like we're having fun and he knows that he's engaging the crowd but he's not like fucking pedal to the metal like i'm gonna bury you yeah so amy schumer goes to the club and they're like the headliners already on stage and she was like okay well i'm just gonna go and ask the headliner so while the headliner was on stage she said hey it's amy schumer can i do 10 minutes yeah like from the crowd she's like hey brian brian and he's like yeah yeah what and uh and you and you're

it's a tough position because you can't say no uh you can you can but you look your crowd the crowd can be so disappointed crowd be like oh from seeing potentially what they're like a celebrity yeah and then how do you move on from there you're like so anyway um the train's weird right they're like fuck you and so he let her do it and then uh it kind of did uh it was cool he got a lot of publicity out of it a lot of people started listening to his podcast i guess they probably won't stay they just probably want to hear like his thoughts and but then you know he got called a bitch by a bunch of comics. But if anyone called him a bitch, they're stupid. And they've never been in a position.

And they're saying it usually in a ball-busty way. Yeah, exactly. People saying that are the same bro-y dudes who are like, she's not that hot. If that celebrity came up to you right now and said she'd fuck you, you'd be naked before she'd finish saying it. Totally. Or if somebody got beat up or robbed, I'd fuck that guy up.

I'm like, yeah, okay, I'm sure you up or robbed, I'm like, I ought to fuck that guy up. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm sure you would. Yeah. I remember I ran this hypothetical. I was just like, because people do that with guns all the time. I was like, dude, if somebody came into this classroom with a gun, you would not attack

them. And this kid was like, no, I would. I would do something. And I'm like why why would you because if you do nothing there's a chance you might live if you do something most of the time you're gonna die yeah i'll tell you i'll tell you from first firsthand experience oh shit having a gun a loaded gun put to your head you're not doing shit yeah you're doing exactly what that person is saying yeah yeah man how many years of

muay thai you took when somebody puts a loaded gun to your head like you're my like you go into this weird survival just if people are wondering i had a gun put to my head yeah oh my god this year this where were you technically last year was the night and it's a great story but we're all out of time no i'm just kidding all right everybody thanks for having me no yeah this is uh this is insane so yeah you let's end on this one yeah yeah definitely so um yeah i don't know if i have a punch line of any sort for this so we'll see this we don't need a way to end most of this wasn't we weren't funny for the most of yeah i'm just not being very funny so it's good no not you just you know not an hour-long podcast

isn't gonna be killer the whole time i mean it normally is yeah sorry bro jesus christ yeah so i can go to italy on your own time jesus christ jesus christ so i uh i started driving for lyft right around the holidays because i was broke and i was like this would be a quick and easy way to make you know some extra money yeah um well it all started because my job started making me remote so i had all this time all this like yeah free time where i was working from home so i was like i'm gonna double up and start making some money on the clock so i'm out one night and it's the very last ride of the night and i get this guy who gets in my car with his girlfriend and where'd you pick him up from picked him up from mothers in fed hill so

it's like 2 a.m about it's like you know bars are letting out there's tons of people there it's saturday night um i go and i pick this couple up they both look pretty drunk but you know whatever um yeah so it's this white girl and this black guy and usually that wouldn't make any difference but this black guy was exactly like the key and peel bit from the very first episode of key and peel where it's like them talking to like their significant others separately on the phone and they're like hey babe how you doing blah blah blah and they like walk up next to each other on the street and it's like two black guys standing next to each other like yeah so anyway uh yeah so uh anyway what i was about to say what and like

tough about it right when they walk away from each other like hey schnuck them right so like that's how this dude was where like he comes up he's like hey what's up bro how you doing like just super like kind of bro-y whatever so he gets in my car and i'm like taking him out he's going to columbia so it's kind of a far drive and he's like hey man you know you smoke weed and i just kind of was main conversation yeah sure whatever he's like you got any no i don't have any. Yeah, sure, whatever. He's like, you got any? No, I don't have any. Sorry, man.

He's like, all right. He was like, hey, I got to pee so bad. Do you mind if we stop to pee before we get out of the seat? Where is the self-confidence these people have? If I ever got in my lift and I was like, can you make a stop? Dude, if my Uber driver waits a minute, I immediately get it. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

And you have like four minutes. You know what I mean? You have time. You're like, uh-uh. I can't tell you how many babies I've had in the backseat where people are like, I'm going to run in 7-Eleven real quick. Just like hold out here. And I'm like sitting in the car looking back like, all right, it's me and a baby.

God. What do I do right now? Right. Yeah, it's wild, man. I would start my video camera just so they don't say it. I almost did that. We were talking about this. We were talking about this.

And I said I literally wanted to put my front-facing camera you should dude i'm paul here both my hands i'm gonna stand here like this until they come back yeah but then yeah the person gets in like are you fucking recording my baby show him the video both of our safety yeah so uh anyway this dude asked to stop to pee and i usually wouldn't do it but i had to piss so bad myself and i was like in my mind when i was picking them up i was like i'm gonna have to ask this guy if i can stop because i can't if i was driving him somewhere in fed hill sure all the way out to columbia fuck that right so anyway i was like all right that's actually awesome because i gotta stop

too we uh go to the royal farms right across from the horseshoe casino oh bad bad bad well so in my mind i thought that was good because it's right by the highway it's huge it's wide yeah tons of lights i've seen yeah in there at night every yeah well lit right yeah so we pull up we get in uh this dude gets out and his girlfriend's obviously kind of drunk she's just kind of like sitting in the back she's not coming out and we get in and there's a bunch of like you know like tough looking baltimore dude she's kind of like hanging out in the rural farm so i just make my way to the bathroom like whatever fine excuse me fellas right I come out in my ride all of a sudden isn't talking like hey what's up bro blah blah he's like what up killer how y'all feeling blah blah blah hey where's the loud ass who's got the weed blah I got the money who's got the weed I'm trying to get a

single roll up blah blah blah blah and I'm like who is this kid like yeah yeah like also could you not do that yeah so I'm like all right man this is bad news was like i'm gonna go sit in the oh first of all he goes and comes up to me and he's like hey buddy here here and he goes and holds out his hand like he's gonna like punch me in the chest kind of like not like he's gonna hit me but just like holds his fist out kind of to like my chest and i'm like what the fuck are you doing and he like he's like shakes his fist at me like like open your hand and i go and i like put my hand underneath of his and he just drops a bag of weed in my hand in the middle of the store right in front of the security guard I'm like yo what no here take it back like yeah no thanks why are people so stupid holy shit I couldn't believe and this guy thinks

he's probably being so cool oh my god the coolest he goes you gotta roll up I was like fucking no I told you I don't he's like I'll buy a roll up I was like absolutely fucking not what are you I don't I would be like yo i'm canceling your ride you can uh complain i don't work for you that was i wanted to but his girlfriend was still in my car so i'm like i'm like i'm gonna sit in the car you know get the fuck out here soon right so i sit in the car i'm there she's passed out directly behind me in the back seat wow for like 10 12 minutes so i finally i put the car in reverse. I'm like, you need to get your boy now. Like, I'm about to get out of here.

Damn. So she was like, I was like, can you just text him or something like that? She's like, I'll just go get him. So she gets out, goes and gets him. She comes back. Two minutes later, he comes back, and he's getting followed by one of the dudes that was in Royal Farms, like right on his ass. So in my mind, I'm like, yo, don't tell me this guy was like, yo, hop in. We'll go on a blunt ride, blah, blah, blah.

Right. Can you drop my boy off? Wow. So I'm just like, you got to be fucking kidding me. So dude comes in and goes to get in the back passenger seat of my car, my rider, that is. And he opens the door. And I noticed that once he opens the door, he tries to like, my rider tries to close the door really, really fast behind him.

And this dude who's following him grabs the door, puts his hand in, rips the door open, shoves himself inside my car on top of the dude pulls a revolver out of his waistband shoves it in his gut and is like squeezing the trigger he's like yo where's the money he's like grabbing in his pockets and all this stuff girl took two seconds she was like fuck that and she just gets out of the car she takes off running and like dude's like where's your money where's your money and this guy immediately goes from like i'm mr tough guy blah blah blah like please don't hurt me please i don't i don't have any cash so real quick just to pause so the guy like he was in there talking all that shit he brings this on

himself like what's up so he just thought he could steal from drug dealers i don't even think he thought he could steal from them i think he just thought that like yeah being cool well he's acting like he's acting like like i'm the shit i got the money i got the weed and so the guy's like okay i would like to take that front so like how quickly does this happen where it's like like him getting in the car to like pulling the gun out is that like just like like it was so quick that in my mind it like it didn't even feel real i was just kind of like oh this is happening did time slow down like that car accident thing so i did eventually so at first so what he does this guy was doing the most he pulls a gun out and he's like you know rifling through his pockets or whatever the girl runs out

and he's like who the fuck was that who was that and uh the guy was like it's my girlfriend it's my girlfriend he's like i'm gonna kill that bitch if she says anything i'm a killer and he was like you think i'm fucking playing and he goes and opens the chamber of the revolver because in my mind the gun was so big that i'm like that's not a real gun like he's just trying to scare the fuck out of this dude take his money and go wow it's a chamber i'm like no those are real fucking bullets like this is a real gun dude he cocks it yeah in the dude's gut and i mean like when i say he's squeezing the trigger like he like i thought he was gonna shoot him on accident i genuinely thought that like it was just gonna also did you turn around and look at him oh i'm so i

was looking like over my shoulder and as this is all happening like since the girl got out and ran out and like he didn't actually go after or anything in my mind i'm like okay if i can just get like my cell phone off the dashboard and get my wallet out of the center console like i'm just slowly and deliberately taking everything like calmly like i'm collecting motion is like i seriously felt like there was a t-rex in my car like just like just be right right so like i grabbed all this stuff and i have all my stuff and the last thing i thought was okay i I seriously felt like there was a T-Rex in my car. Just be quiet. Right, right. So I grabbed all this stuff, and I have all my stuff. And the last thing I thought was, OK, I want to get out of the car,

but I don't want to leave it with the key in and have this dude just be like, oh, tight, free car, and then just take off in my car. So I went to take the keys out, but I already had the car in reverse from earlier, and it wouldn't let me take it out while it was in drive. In gear, yeah. So I went and I put it in in park and all dude in the back heard was me shift and then he looks up at me and he fucking cocked the gun and put it to my face and i turned around and just held it up against the back of my head buddy don't fucking move he's like don't reverse don't because he's still like hanging halfway out the car so in his mind he's

thinking like i'm about to try to back up and like run him over or something like that he's like don't fucking move and i was like dude i like i was, I just put it in park. It's in park. He's yelling at me. He's pushing the gun into my head. He's like, put it in park. I was like, it's fucking in park. I almost broke my e-brake ripping it up. To show him, like, motherfucker. I was like, it's fucking in park.

Immediately, he goes right back to the dude in back. He's wrestling with him. He's like, how much are you going to give me? He's like, I don't have any cash. He's like, there's an ATM inside. How much are you going to give me? He's like, I'll give you 80 bucks. He's like, fuck him he's like how much you gonna give me he's like i don't have any cash he's like there's an atm inside how much you gonna give me he's like i'll give you 80 bucks he's like fuck that you're gonna empty your account and so finally he just rips the dude out of the car and i took the fuck off do you know what happened so i took off driving through west baltimore like i literally i didn't even care which way i was turning i just like put the like pedal on the floor and was just like swerving through like neighborhood because also driving like you could crash because you're so hyped up i was gonna say

so your adrenaline's flowing in that moment but i bet like on the outside you're calm and then when you're out of there then it's all rushing and you're like shaking probably like what the fuck i couldn't believe like even in the situation i was thinking to myself like i'm incredibly like not scared right now but that's also how it's supposed to work where it's like all right we're here yeah so at first no because I just want to get the fuck out of there I was like because my thing was this guy was so brazen about it and there was other dudes that were hanging out with him there I was like I feel like it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility that they would have other friends that were just kind of like following out around the neighborhood so like

if someone were to get robbed try to run away or do something that like they would have like almost like a net that they'd be like i would i would honestly i don't even know if i would go home i'd be scared right like they're like following me or it took a crazy way to get home i like legit was like going up streets i'd never go up and like i was just like wonky ass way like it took me a while to get home because i was just like, I'm not going directly home right now. Yeah. And even when I went home, I parked like kind of far from my apartment and was like walking through different ways, like constantly looking around, like waiting for like a car that was like following me.

And yeah. What was that walk like where you're like, oh, yeah. Super freaked. Fuck that. You're going to empty your account. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Do you get that money back?

And you can only take out like I think at Bank of America, you only take out like $700. Yeah. Do you get that money back? And you can only take out like, I think at Bank of America, you only take out like $700. Yeah. ATMs will only let you take out like $200. I was going to say it's like two or three. Yeah. Depending on the ATM,

it's usually not too, too much. Yeah. I think probably for that exact reason. Yeah. But they'll make you go to multiple ATMs. Yes. I mean, shit, the guy's got a gun and he's also like,

casinos across the street. You know what I mean? There's a bunch of gas stations. We're going to hit all the ATMs. And that's exactly what I felt like after the fact. I was like, fuck, of course's got a gun. And he's also like, casinos across the street. You know what I mean? There's a bunch of gas stations. We're going to hit all the ATMs. And that's exactly what I felt like after the fact. I was like, fuck, of course that's where somebody would hang out. Someone has a good night, wins a shit ton of money. They're right by the highway.

So they figured people are probably going to win their money, maybe stop to take a piss, grab something to drink. Sounds like the guy was just there to sell drugs, though. Yeah, yeah. To people from the county who were at the casino. Could be. And it could have just been, he's like, I'm just going to stop in here for a second and get a snack.

And then like some guys like, what's up? I got money. He's like, okay, good. My night just got a whole lot better. This was definitely this guy's stomping ground for Al Compton. Gotcha. I get home and so this is the fucked up part. Before I left that night to go drive Lyft, my girlfriend was home.

And so I was like saying goodbye to her or whatever. And like I was going out like starting late so she was like kind of getting ready for bed and I was like yeah I'll be back a little later blah blah and I like I think I said like I love you and like what it was I was like I don't know if I said like bye forever or like this is like the last time like something yeah some type of yeah right i love you forever yeah just a joke yeah like i joke like i'm not gonna make it back and i get back home and i just like sat on the bed and she's like hey what's up you okay and i was like no she's like when she like she could tell like she

like went from being asleep to like sitting up like yeah what's up yeah i just had a loaded gun put to my head she's like what the fuck did you call the No. I don't know if I would. I'd be scared. So I ended up, I had a couple people who were like, you need to call the cops, man. Like, you just need to call the cops. Yeah. Make some sort of report. So I called the cops, and they were over at my house in like 10 minutes.

They took a statement, like, what do you look like? And I was like, it was a revolver. And they said, are you sure it was a revolver? And I was like, yeah, like, it's not really a common gun. Like, people think of them, but it's really not a common street gun i was like i'm yeah like i saw the bullets in the chamber yeah and as i'm making the statement the dude like gets a little thing over his radio he's like what color shirt was he wearing again and it was like it was a brown i don't know whatever and he goes and what kind of gun was it a revolver what color

silver he's like yeah we got him he was loaded. Whoa. He's just in the Royal Farms chilling. That's why you call the cops. Holy shit, man. Wow, what balls. Right. I'm just going to chill. And then what fucked me up was then they were like, okay, so you hop in the car. We're going to take you downtown.

No. And I was like, whoa. And then like, are you willing to testify in open court? And I was like, hold up, hold up. Let's pump the fucking brakes here. Yeah, I did not agree to that no no yeah so i was like do i have to come downtown with you and they're like i mean if you want to make a statement everything yeah i was like they're like we can put you behind something so you can do that i was like all right well like no people watch you go in i

know and then i was like okay but then like not what about like the court like is there a way for me to testify behind like a curtain from a video with the thing? And he's like, no, that's not how the justice system works. The accused have the right to see their accuser. That's how it works. You can't hide your face. You have to sit there and open court. And I understand because that sets a dangerous precedent.

True. Yes, because you could have anybody be like, I was there and needed the crime. Find out next week, guys. This is how you reel them in, baby. So I was just like, well, listen, I don't really feel comfortable testifying. And I was like, is there any point in me? They were basically like, if you're not going to testify, there's no point in you coming downtown.

And I was like, okay, well, here's the deal. If I kind of like step away from this at this point, am I leaving you guys fucked on this case? What happens? Is it just like you have to go downtown? I'm well he didn't say anything so back on the street to go yeah he's like dude he was in a public place with a loaded gun that he didn't have a license for like dude's fucked as it is i was gonna say right i was like okay he's like if anything you're just gonna add like assault uh you know aggravated assault assault with a deadly weapon ball whatever whatever and i was like honestly man like it's not worth it to me to stand in front of his friends

and family and be like yeah that dude add another 10 years fuck that you know and and i felt bad like like i didn't feel bad for him like i'm starting to do the like yeah what's it called like the memorial for the right in my mind where it's like i kind of in a way felt for the guy because it's like it's around christmas i'm sure he's probably hard on it like you know like it's a tough time of year where people are real desperate and this guy was being a total jackass like flaunting that he had all this money so in this guy's mind he probably was like this would be real easy yeah he never had any intention of actually hurting anybody but he could have still like but like you're saying I mean he's already caught for doing something illegal that was the big thing it's like get

this guy off the street whatever it is as long as guy's not going to be back on the street with a gun tomorrow, I'm fine with it, and I don't need to add to this shit. I'm sorry. And they both were looking at me like they were kind of pissed. They weren't pressuring me, but they both were kind of like, all right. It was a little bit like, that's your right, little bitch. Yeah, but it's like, dude. Yeah, people in this town get murdered.

But like Umar is saying, it's not worth you going to open court. And even if nothing does happen, that thought is in the back of your mind all the time. For weeks after that, I was, like, fucked up. Like, I was still looking over my shoulder. You have PTSD, dude. That's what PTSD is. It really was. And, you know, it took me, like, a couple months to actually realize, like, yo, I actually

had, like, some legitimate PTSD from that. Sure. Because it really did, like, like you said, in the moment, said in the moment no problem like yeah sure scary as fuck and everything but like honestly it was more of just like survival instinct yeah your pupils are like this fucking big and you're just like all right i'm very hyper aware is not new york it's not you know not even dc it's so small tiny it's so you you probably will run into people who know him definitely and that's why especially if you go to the that's another thing too it's the courthouse it's not like go to the courthouse on the west it's like the court yeah it's the one courthouse like all right yeah so

let's see who's testifying like testify in open court fuck that oh my god i was yeah not not about to do that so but yeah i spent that whole night i was wide awake i couldn't sleep i was just like sitting there in bed like eyes staring at the ceiling just like replaying it over and over in my head and like fucking back to what brought this whole thing about like the tough guy like yeah come up if they can't if someone put a gun to my head i'd smack that shit take it and shoot him in both like yeah you're not doing any of that i don't like honestly the most trained fighters i guarantee you in that situation but take my fucking wallet it's not worth it if it was hand to hand or maybe a knife yeah maybe i'd

try to kick your ass this dude has to squeeze a millimeter yes and your dome is gone and your your your back is to him so it's not like you can do anything i'm just like let me just turn around a little like the i had the thought like immediately after of like i'm gonna get a gun like not that i've ever been the person to get one or want one protection if i'm gonna be driving like i should have something but the more i thought about i was like the fuck am i gonna do like tom cruise's thing out of my holster and like turn around over the shoulder without shooting this other guy right not missing and hitting a random person hitting yourself or no way you shoot it you fucking go like that dude would have been like the fuck are you doing no chance man so the fact that you even had the balls to move i don't think i

would have moved i don't think i would have grabbed for my wallet my phone i wouldn't have even shifted i would have been like just still i think paralyzed with fear yeah i mean it definitely felt that way but i think because he was so aggressive with the guy in the back and the guy in the back was like groveling so much. It was so much distraction that like tiny little movements really went like unnoticed until he heard the click and was like, whoa, hold on. Yeah. And it sounded like the dude like really just wanted money and didn't want to have to. But yeah, he could have. He could have pistol whipped the shit out of that guy.

He could have done so much more shit. And he literally just like jocked him around and just put this thing in his gut like I'll do it. And that's probably the only reason he has a gun. Send the message. Yeah the intimidation. To protect himself. Totally. Not to like go out and just randomly kill. Right. If he wanted to he could

have done it immediately. If he really wanted to fucking shoot that guy. Yeah. Where we were in the parking lot he could have like hopped in the car popped him grabbed the shit out of his pocket and been in like darkness back in like west baltimore like literally it's so like so bright in that parking lot right so dark as you go into that neighborhood yeah no lights whatsoever yeah i've been gone no problem how cool would have been though like uh he sees you he's like oh shit bond street man. And then that's how the story ends. Pulls a guy out of your car.

He's like, man, that's tight as hell. Now don't fucking move. He's like taking him away. I'm like, get my CD. My mixtape.

Find us on SoundCloud. Dude, but the car being in reverse might have saved your life too. Like, it could have like spooked him if you tried to run or something like that.

Like, who knows? Yeah, it was, it was crazy. I'm just glad that if you tried to run or something like that. Like, who knows? Yeah, it was crazy. I'm just glad that, like, so my car has those, like, backup sensor things and everything. I'm just glad that nobody walked by the back of the car or something because it'll start freaking the fuck out when that happens. Oh, something's close. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeez. Like, something like that happened and just spooked him. Because that was, like, the shit that went through my head. Uh-huh. I was like, oh, it was that close. Like, any little thing, like like that's that tough guy actually like okay what if i turned around no he would have shot me yeah yeah like because or maybe he wouldn't but

is it worth the fucking risk no no when you realize like that moment could have been your absolute best it's just like not not worth it fuck that guy my tough guy attitude, I think, went out the window that night. Sure. I'm just like, if anybody, like if a 13-year-old Hamdenite kid pulled up on me, like, outside of Royal Farms, I'm like, fucking, here you go. Have fun with my, like, $200 bank account. Right. There's no, yeah. Me and my friend were talking about this where, like, we've never been in a fight.

And is it, it is not because we've never been in a fight and is it be it is not because we've never been in a situation that could have escalated into a fight it's just like i think people who fight you want to fight a lot of the time oh yeah there's a lot of times i would say almost most of the time you can avoid a fight yeah there's you can make a conscious choice to escalate or de-escalate or if yeah you move out of the situation yeah yeah but like someone comes at you just like i'm in like what i have no qualms of like being perceived as like a bit like it's like yeah i didn't get in a fight yeah i'm in a i'm an adult yeah you know like it's so crazy yeah like if i fuck something up i'm not gonna be able to go to

work and i'm gonna be fucked up for a while yeah you don't want to deal with like court for i was gonna say yeah that's what i start thinking about because in my mind like not like oh i'm so tough i fucking kill a guy right there is a part of me that's like i am a full-grown man right now and like i know that like i'm not like this huge tough guy but like yeah i't know. Like if I just like lost my shit and like, like you see those videos of like people fucking each other up and they like knock the dude out and then get on top and it'll hit him like five. Oh yeah. It's like,

there's a part of me that's like, I don't ever, I've never wanted to do that to a person, but like what the fuck happens if like you just lose your shit and all of a sudden you just start attacking somebody or that's your ass. Like you're not going to be in court. Or even if you don't intentionally do that, like say it's just like a shoving thing you shove the guy he trips hits his head on a fucking fire hydrant or something yeah like

manslaughter you're that guy's suing you you're paying for his medical bills you're in jail it's just like oh my god it's like that camden yards from a couple years ago remember that with the yankees game there's this thing in camden yards like probably now it's probably like four or five years ago but it was these yankee fans they were out in like kind of like left center field and if you're familiar with camden yards there's kind of like these seats that are like a little bit elevated from like the ground level so basically it's like just high enough that you're above everybody but not high enough that you can't jump up onto the rail and gotcha be on the outside of the Yeah. So essentially these Yankee fans are behind these O's fans. They're talking shit.

Right. And the O's fans go, and this dude jumped up onto the rail to kind of get in his face. And the dude, I don't know if the dude sucker punched him or pushed him, but he hit the dude, and the guy fell back off the rail and straight onto the concrete and cracked his skull on the concrete. Yo. Months. off the rail and straight onto the concrete and cracked his skull on the concrete months and i don't know if the guy died or not but like the two other dudes were like booked in jail yeah had to go through a bunch of shit and like fuck that was just like a couple dudes just be like fuck you fuck you yeah they're both drunk yeah right and i'm sure that dude wasn't like i'm gonna kill this guy right right yeah i was like dude I was like, dude, fuck you, man. And then saw him smack his head.

I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah, this just got real. Now there's a pool of blood. Yeah, the violence at sport events are unreal to me. You can get that mad that you punch someone because they're rooting for a different team. Yeah. Trash talking leads to violence.

Because trash talking can be fun. Yeah. But there's certain people when you go to the games, you're like, oh, that person is an insane person. Don't engage. It's just crazy tribalism, too. It's like, well, fuck you then if you like the San Diego Chargers. Going to big events like baseball games or like Artscape or anything like that, it bums me out because you look around and you're like, oh, yeah, it makes sense that Trump is in office.

Oh, my God. Right? Like, most of America is just awful, like, oh yeah, it makes sense that Trump is in office. Most of America is just awful hillbilly trash. Especially when you go to D.C. It's wild watching the buses of tourists and 12, 13-year-old

kids with Make America Great hats. Their MAGA hats, yeah. Holy fucking shit. You don't even know what that means. Oh dude, we saw... I mean, not either do the other side of that, you know? Sure. Well, they know they didn't like the shot, I guess.

On the plane back from Arizona, we were getting off and we'll wrap up soon. Oh, it's all good. There's a family getting off the plane and this little kid had a t-shirt on. He had to be like 11 12 years old in the back of it i didn't see what the front of it said but the back of it had writing on the back and it said uh it said like hey snowflake this is how life works and then it had like numbers of stuff but it's like number one no participation trophies and like bro your parents buy your clothes and they like buy you food like why is this kid wearing a

hay snowflake t-shirt like you're a child wages from the fucking mine that you work in how are you talking about right right right so yeah family home and probably have like a nice ass moped or something absolutely we're our generation's pussies because we got participation trophies but uh a woman comic makes jokes at an event she got hired to make jokes and you cry like a little bitch yeah fuck yourself yeah exactly yeah you know every well in conclusion everybody's full of shit and we're glad you're alive paul thank you very much yeah man that's fucking yeah man this is i think one of the best ones i think so too yeah we've been on a while yeah any plugs uh no i don't know yeah yeah i have a track that i produced for a really talented artist in

baltimore named elon uh that i've been sitting on for like six seven months sorry elon shout out to you i would like to be putting that out soon with a music video that i've also been dragging my fucking feet on right um so you know keep an eye out for that yeah we're in the next week to like two years or so so just say stay tuned yeah and follow follow paul on all the social medias it's just your name on everything right just paul hudson h-u-t-s-o-n get in your boat what up yeah that cheesy smile hey um just took a selfie if anybody's wondering what just happened like we assume you you dummies um but yeah and check out bond street district uh like like i said uh church on balkan is still out there and uh it's probably at some record stores too here in baltimore right check out sound garden they have it down there yeah and uh yeah all the social

media for bond street districts just all bond's S-T District, not spelled out. B-O-N-D-S-T District. How do I spell that? Fuck yeah. Thanks for being on. Umar, you got anything? Yes. All right.

The 19th through the 21st, I am hosting a McGooey's for Very Funny Kurt Metzger. Oh, yeah. Commercial funny. You know. And then on the 26th, I'm going to be at the Crown doing the five-year Everything Will Be Okay anniversary show. Nice. August.

Oh, my God. We have to start selling tickets. August 2nd, Gin and Jokes. Carmen Lynch, very funny. You've been on all the late-night shows. Yeah, she's really funny. She's headlining. August 3rd, I'm at the DC Loft at Beer baron i'm there with you boom they love us um that's it

nice uh yeah so the 21st i'll be doing stand-up for artscape at a big theater hi um yeah i'll be doing a bunch of other cool stuff we're still taking selfies yeah uh yeah so let's see yeah so artscape that's a big theater at nine o'clock come out to that i'll be trying to see if i can still do that we'll yeah it might be a little tough i shouldn't ask no okay yeah i know um so and then uh 25th i'll be at Maddie's in D.C., closing that out. My band's playing a show in Annapolis on the 27th at Metropolitan, and then on the 3rd at the Comedy Loft at Beer Baron with Umar. And, yeah, that's about it for now.

Cool. So, dude, this was so fun. This was great. I have a new adult friend named Paul Hudson. Nice. Cool. Yeah, that's my big plug. I hope that's the name of this podcast, this episode. I have a new adult friend named Paul.

Oh, that's good. I like it. Adult friend. That is solid. Adult friend finder. Yes. That's what podcasts are these days. Yeah.

That's your sponsor, right? Yeah. That and Fleshlight. Yeah, exactly. MackWeldon.com slash Dick Sesh. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Roshan Sessionsussian sessions comma to an end Thank you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.