The Digression Sessions - Ep. 261 - Josh Umar & Paul

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with each other and their new adult friend, musician, and talented dude, Paul Hutson! for a group hang dig sesh. We also answer some questions we got from the ol Facebook towards the end of the pod. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna and Umar Khan, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. What a band. What a band. Saliva. What a time to be alive. Smasher Pumpkins were in town. Did you see that? Karen and Emily went, actually.

Yeah, so Emily got free tickets to the mayor's office because she works for them. Wow. So they sent out an email. It's like, hey, we have free tickets. Pew's a big Smasher Pumpkins fan. Yeah, Mayor Pew is. She's a mayor.

Yeah, she's a mayor. Yeah, she's like, yeah, the killer in me is the killer in you. And, you know, melancholy in the infinite set. The world is a vampire. Set to drink. It's like I always say, the world is a vampire. Set to drink. It's like I always say.

The world is a vampire. I'm a bullet with butterfly wings. Secret destroyers. Yeah. Dude, have you seen Billy Corgan, what he looks like right now? He looks great. Honestly. He looks like a giant baby.

Yeah. It's so weird because people were posting clips of that concert. Yeah. That look with that music does not fit no he looked cool as shit when he was young yeah but skinny a lot of people do and then they never exercise they don't change how they eat and then they just coast on like well i used to look cool yeah why not exercise i don't know people people don't like it like i was thinking well i guess kurt metzger he looked so silly he had uh like he had

very skinny jeans like skinnier jeans than mine on you know dang that's so his shit was like painted on and yeah seriously and then like such a belly it was such a bad look yeah well wasn't his like belly fucked up didn't you have like a hole in it or something you had to like go to the hospital i don't remember i remember just hearing like a um episode of race wars where he had like like cut himself or something and uh charade was like yeah he comes into the fucking cellar he's shooting blood out of his stomach he's like oh my god it's like yeah so i just finally walked to the hospital so maybe i don't know maybe just like no i think he also just like he doesn't exercise he eats like shit you know right like he was getting like cut himself. No, I think he also just like, he doesn't exercise. He eats like shit, you know? Right.

Like he was getting like five-hour energy drinks every night after the show. It's at 7-Eleven. After the show? He would get like two five-hour energy things and then he would get like... I like he's like, all right, just perform for these people. Now it's time to really bring the energy up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

They might be for the next day or who knows. Yeah, who knows? Yeah. What? So, yeah. Hi, everybody. welcome to the digression sessions podcast we are podcasting from our new adult friend paul hudson's apartment where it is uh slowly falling apart but uh luckily his landlord's taking care of it for sure it seems like a really nice guy his landlord down to earth understanding yeah yeah gets things fixed in time takes responsibility for his actions you know paul's like i gotta grab

the fucking mic and say my fucking piece now which he's welcome to kind of hope he slowly dies i kind of hope he walks in here and we have this all recorded that'd be great i i told him i walked outside and i was like hey we're gonna be recording a podcast up there so and he's like what's a podcast what the fuck are you talking about yeah how old is he i don't know he's like uh he's like a hamden 40 which is like a regular 63 he's like the hand that like probably did a bunch of drugs and shit yeah he's like a blue collar dude. Probably same type of thing we're talking about. Just never took care of himself.

Construction. A lot of bows. And a total dipshit. Yeah. That's just like my girlfriend. She's a physical therapy assistant. And she was telling me like, I mean, she works in Union Memorial, which is like a hospital down the streets that, you you know like a lot of people

who don't have money go to and i mean dude like people like you know like diabetic patients who have to have their legs cut off oh like it can you imagine getting that news yeah like the doctor's like well we're gonna have to cut your foot off but this is a crazy part like there's diabetic patients who will get one foot cut off or leg cut off and they still don't take care of themselves and they have to get the other one cut off so that's what happened this lady she got her second leg cut off and then so my girl karen had to teach her how to like scoot from her bed into a wheelchair you know jesus christ could you imagine like that's your life jesus she's probably old but still like i'm here can you help me scoot to my snacks i need to learn to scoot and like

she'll probably and karen was like she probably won't really like move around much in her house so her family will probably just put a bedpan under her and and he's just like, oh. Yeah, and like bed sores and shit. I'm bummed when I can't find plans on a Friday night. I couldn't imagine. I mean, that's got to be a whole new level of depression where you're like, I lost one foot. Fuck it. I don't care. But you know, that's what's crazy.

People think they'd be depressed for life. This guy, this Harvard professor, did a study on recent paraplegics. You say on like emo-ness yeah it's actually pretty cool people who won the lottery and what he found is no matter what like if you have a up or if you have a down in about like six months your happiness levels goes back to baseline back to what it was before yeah like humans are really resilient and good at like adapting to whatever their circumstances because you have to or you're just gonna be miserable forever i love that like somebody

like your brain is so tricked into being like depressed and it's like we're not gonna let this joy get us down we're gonna get back to baseline well yeah and that's what's crazy. It's like you're a paraplegic. How do you enjoy life the same? Oh, my God. I don't know. I mean, that, like, if it's, like, from an accident or something, then I can see it. Like, that's kind of cool that you can, like, get back. You know what I mean?

No, it's great. It's awesome that people can do that. I can't imagine. Yeah. Jesus. Like, even attempting to, like, do comedy after that. I mean, people do, like, who are attempting to like do comedy after that yeah i mean people do like yeah who are confined to wheelchairs yeah yeah i think about if my dick got fucked up like like if my

dick couldn't work i might kill myself no you wouldn't i think i would i mean really it would i would be really bummed that has happened to people yeah i mean not just like you know everybody's gonna take like spialis or something maybe at some point or something like that but i'm talking like doesn't work at all like yeah or if it just got like mangled or mange right sort of like weird accident kill yourself right i don't think so really yeah really it might be nice you might think about sex a lot less and it might free up your yeah like the brain getting my dick caught in that dishwasher was the best thing that ever happened to me like just like if i had like didn't think about sex like how much like other stuff i think you still would because your

balls still are like producing if we got our balls cut off will we think about sex less probably yeah i mean you'd have less testosterone for sure holy that's like what they used to do to those kids uh what were they called uh they were like opera singer the castrati or whatever i was thinking a game of thrones yeah those game of thrones balls off one of them never seen game of thrones what paul it's paul i know now now are you one of those people that's like has a hard stance like fuck it i'm gonna die never seeing there's like a part of it's like not getting a tattoo yeah like your entire life just you don't have a tattoo none of us don't have a tattoo also i gotta give a shout out to alex broslovsky our friend a friend of the pod and uh listener of the pod he said we missed

an opportunity last week with ben o'brien to us the Three Cis Mafia instead of Three Six Mafia. I feel like we got another Three Cis Mafia going today. He'll be in town for the improv festival. Oh, good. When is that, August? No, it's Monday. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, cool. I went to see improv last night because Karen's taking classes. Damn, you are depressed. You okay? I know. I know. You have one bomb and you're like maybe i'll do improv you bomb fuck i can't cut it in the stand-up world yeah maybe i'll do improv i'm gonna go toss the soundball around no karen's taking classes she's never seen improv before so we went and dude it was her teacher right yeah and once her uh

showcase yeah the 23rd? Yeah, something like that. Because I invited Catherine to come down and do Speechless, and she was like, oh, my 101 class is... I was like, fuck that class. They don't need you. Yes, we went. We saw three troops. It was sold out, standing room only.

Awesome. And dude, it was amazing from start to finish. That's great. Every troop was fucking hilarious. On point. Yeah, it was great. But the crazy part is I didn't recognize almost anyone. I recognized maybe one person from each troop because they're all different now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Gus, the only person I knew was Heather. Wow. And there was only two other people. Catherine, I think, did a show before, so she wasn't there, which was a bummer because that was the whole reason we went was to see her. She yeah um but no they're they're doing well i like what they did with that theater yeah it's cool i didn't see much of the show but i could hear it because they were before the stand-up show artscape and we rolled in and they were crushing um and i saw

terry this guy terry withers that runs the baltimore improv group um he's really cool and uh just talking to him and he's like it's like how's it going he's like you know it's good i don't know i mean it's theater so one day i'm like this is great the next day i'm like we're finished it's over that's gotta be a scary thing yeah because i mean with that such a big theater that you're like you have one good weekend you're like here we go we're trending upwards and then like you have a shitty friday and you're like fuck it board up the doors baltimore's a weird i mean i remember i used to think that like that was like when stav and i did super comedy i mean we'd have like we'd have these months where it's either like packed standing room only and then dude we've we had shows where like five people came jesus and

it's a big venue you know that holds like i think like 70 where like five people came jesus and it's a big venue you know that holds like i think like 70 people and the stage is so high and it's like to perform for five people when it's a monthly show that is funny yeah you're like five or six feet in the air and you're just looking down at these people like hey respect me i'd like honestly just want to be like let's not do it right like but people are like no let's not do it. Right. But people are like, no, let's do it. Let's not do it. Yeah. Those intimate shows are their own set of muscles that are required for that shit.

Yeah. Well, don't worry. I bombed to a room full of people at the Crown on Thursday. Yeah. Let's get into this. It was a bummer. I went in nervous. It was my first.

It wasn't a bomb bomb, by the way. Yes. I was going to say, I doubt that it was like crickets the whole time like i bombed it was just uh i didn't get momentum going mark uh did well before me britney did well before me and i think i know what happened is like you know it's a very young artsy crowd and i went up and i just made a joke because chris hudson hosted i was like man this show started out being like the whitest show in america with chris and then it became the blackest show dark mark he's like i went to prison and then like now we're slowly bringing it down because britney's like uh i'm a black person with a fine arts degree and then and now me and then like people just didn't like that if you just acknowledge race at all they're like yeah so but my buddy jay who's a black dude was in the front and he has like a killer laugh he

was laughing and i pointed out like oh the black dude's laughing right they got even more weird like we told you to stop pointing it out yeah and then i got mad uh and uh oh so then i went into my first joke and i saw it bombing like i fucking the this one huge table like you see like a giant tsunami wave coming i was setting it up and i was like oh my god no one's listening to me as i was setting it up buddy that is the worst feeling because then you have to keep going you have to like and the setup's the worst part and you're not paying attention now so then i see this middle table there's like eight people they're all doing shots while i'm setting up this joke and i was like holy shit no one's listening and everyone's all the way to the back of the bar no one's sitting up front so it's like the from the middle of the room to the back of the bar

that where where everyone is and there's probably like 30 people there, 40, I don't know. And so I do my punchline. It bombs. And I was like, all right, that sucks. And all my confidence was gone. Yeah. And out of the gate. The anger came.

And there was this woman in the front row or girl. I'll call her girl. She was like 21, whatever. Let's say broad. Yeah, broad. There's this dingy broad. I interacted with her before I went on stage because I was by the bathrooms. I was walking to the bathroom.

She was going in the men's room because the woman's bathroom was taken. And her friend's like, yeah, just use the men's. It's kind of gross. And the girl's like, yeah, it doesn't surprise me. Men are trash. I think she was saying it jokingly, but also kind of. Also, women are disgusting in the bathroom. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. doesn't surprise me men are trash i think she was saying it jokingly but okay kind of also women are disgusting in the bathroom yeah for sure yeah uh also like you can't just wait a

little bit to use the women's bathroom you piece of shit like this i can't i i'm on her side i use the women's bathroom all the time all the time who cares all the time don't complain right i got you but uh like i don't walk in there i'm like oh yeah uh but so and i just joked around i was like sorry i know we suck and she laughed and whatever and then i brought that up on stage and i and i made some joke that i was like you know like you're you're uh same men are trash but you're you know you're using the men's bathroom with a crown so how different are we and i got like a little laugh but she didn't like it really that doesn't even make sense and it probably doesn't whatever fuck her and then every time i would set up a joke and then i just kind of was making fun of

the crown and them and then i was like all right i guess i'll do some jokes with no confidence dude and it was a bomb and then i recognized and then once i talked about the bomb that got a lot and it was just like and every time i was setting up a joke i could hear her go uh no that's not true when i was setting up my tinder joke i say like so frustrated i read a study that said people of color are less likely to get matched on the dating site which is true right but she's an asian woman chick broad they're the most sought after. So I guess like, you know, she's like, that's not true.

She's like, I'm fine. You know, what the fuck do you want? Like, uh, what do you want? Like,

do you want me to like cite my source right now? Like, but I just ignored it because there was no winning, but that's so annoying to be on stage and to have somebody like in your ear. It's like, uh, I know, I know,

dude, it was driving me nuts. It was so, i was so mad like the level of rage inside me but i was trying to maintain i was like don't talk to her because you will lose this crowd and then uh i did some some jokes where i make fun of like conservatives and like fat conservatives and they didn't like those jokes and i got mad i was like oh i can't even make fun of racist people now oh sorry crown didn't know that you guys protected racist trump supporters they didn't like that and i was just but then my friend jay thought it was hilarious yeah and i was

like the black dude's laughing he grew up in the hood and then made him even more that asian girl puts a maga hat on yeah who are you yeah it was bad dude it was just it wasn't a bomb it just wasn't it was okay yeah which is yeah even like a mediocre set is almost worse yeah and in a room full of comics who i know talk shit about me all the time yeah it's just like oh yeah it's not that you wanted to spike the football and be like i fucking rocked it but it's like you don't want to do like poorly you know it's like i want to do well yeah everyone's like oh you're like oh he's not that good i don't know why this is why fuck him yeah this is like he has too big of a head for how not funny he is and i don't get why he gets stuff he only gets it because he has connections i think

he hates asian women i even said that like i like though i think the biggest laugh i got on stage i was like uh i said i was like oh god people going to be talking a lot of shit about this bomb. And I was like, this lady is going to be blogging about it. That kind of laugh. Jeez. And yeah, it was a bummer. Damn, man. Oh, I cannot stop thinking about it.

Yes. Yeah. You texted me that night about it. And I just I felt for you, man. But yeah, like I was telling you, you are you're a and i just i felt for you man but yeah like i was telling you you are you're a fucking good comedian you know you are and sometimes that shit just happens you just can't get a rhythm with a crowd oh my because i know that feeling too like you're speeding up a little bit and that's kind of fucking up your shit because you're trying to correct it but even just trying to correct it fucks you up yeah because they sense it yes like

oh and you're using like brain power that should be like okay i should be in the moment i should be doing this but really like i gotta get them back i gotta get them back yeah exactly you out of it and then the whole time i'm thinking like literally i'm thinking like fuck these people are watching me bomb probably talking shit on me and uh and like that's going on in my head and i think at one point oh at one point i literally said like god God damn it, this sucks. I'm like, and I'm scared of you guys. You know, like I said that because, you know, it's just like a very judgy crowd.

Of the audience. And I, you know, I lost that muscle, I think, to perform to that kind of crowd. I haven't done that in a long time. Right. But. Like very sensitive. Do you think deep down you don't even like those crowds? No.

And I think that was a problem i was clearly judging them yeah they sensed it right so yeah it's kind of like if you go up there with like a fuck you they're like well fuck you yeah and i think i was mostly mad at myself for not going in it with just a better attitude but it was kind of hard because there's shit was in my ear yeah totally and um if you kind of have to be in that mindset like if you're having a good day or you just feel like fuck it whatever sometimes you can handle those crowds but if you go into it with that initial anxiety and then it starts to come true that it like sucks you're like god but then like abby rosenquist from new york like just the fact

that like because i was right before her so for i felt bad i even apologized to her i was like sorry abby yeah this is a bummer i can't believe i'm actually bombing yeah and uh it just like it's embarrassing mostly it's just like an ego you know it hurts oh there's no there's no way to fix it until you have another good set exactly dude here's the worst part the way i ended my set like so i i have like uh some shirts that i try to sell from as merch oh no you did you try to sell shirts dude well i brought a shirt on stage put on the stool and as i was eating stage like you know what guys was gonna try to sell some shirts but nope not anymore and i just walked off stage with my shirt yeah not because i should have tried that would have been hilarious yeah just a frustrated

you in the back just like ten dollars yeah god 20 but you know sure sure oh that was fuck i haven't had a rough set like that in a long time or like you know whatever if you bomb at a mic but bombing at a show but the mediocre thing yeah that stings more i think because you're like i was so close to being good and you never just want to be like i was okay yeah and it's like am i good you know what i mean like just a like a total bomb you can be like all right that was horrible but i can learn from that but it's not you don't have like the blue balls of the mediocre set of like it was close a couple times i know dude it was oh god it was a bummer how do you not take that like i feel like i take that so personally yeah yeah you do they're literally hating you right like there's a room full of people who hate you yeah they don't like and the dude that the girl that fucking

girl's fucking face i wish i could have taken a picture of it we're very like just smug yes smug like and enjoying me bombing and uh horrible yeah so she only hated you because you brought up the bathroom thing doesn't even sound like you were like busting her chops or anything i think she just thought i was being racist or insensitive with like calling chris super white and dark black yeah making fun of him going to prison but i don't think she like we're all friends that's how me and mark like me i was busting mark's ball before he went up on stage because he was where he's a big black guy he was wearing um i was like mark everything you're wearing is just like a billboard for things you're not into like he was wearing uh a ramones t-shirt i was like you don't like the ramones he was wearing uh army uh shorts i was like you fucking never fought in a war

and he was wearing an orioles hat and i was like you probably hate baseball he's like i do but i look dope yeah and i was like i hope i'm after you because i want to just trash you but britney was out and i couldn't you know but do you remember what mark was wearing yeah hey do you guys remember that guy you like better than me do you like that guy who's you who you think has a better perspective on life than me because he's a black guy who went to prison and now i'm making fun of him for that yeah it was not fun by the way came to find out call back to the soup story dark mark was the mc of that show yeah it was 150 positive that makes sense yeah totally makes sense and uh i'm proud of mark for doing

that not surprised but that's fucking great well after he got after that second the last guy absolutely demolished him dark mark got up and like tried to be like it's okay buddy gave him a little pep talk like just keep on keeping on it's all right and our next comic okay we're almost out of here did Did we podcast last weekend after Artscape? No, before. Before. We podcasted with Ben. Yeah, we podcasted on Tuesday.

Literally like five days ago. I don't remember. Goddamn, what have you been up to? Same old shit. Did Artscape. That was a lot of fun. Same thing about comedy. So so yeah you're gonna feel better as soon as you have a better set like it that's just the way it goes with like art and

performing and shit like it's so funny where you can be like have like a killer set like god damn i really got this stand-up thing figured out man this feels good i know what i'm doing yeah and then you have a bad set after that you question everything question all your choices you're like i suck i've always sucked yeah and now how did i even get this far right right do these these jokes like are they even do like just jokes that kit like got no and they're like woke yeah jokes i guess and they're like it's just like and then that's when you realize it's like because i know these jokes are like it's just like and then that's when you realize it's like because i know these jokes are good you guys fucking hate me right that's what's up yeah and it is on you too because you probably probably like are off off in the delivery too yeah oh yeah yeah

like a big hunt my tampon joke when i did it there for a paid show got zero on the punch like zero when was this when me when you and i did it and i was like i know that's a good joke it kills everywhere but like i've just felt off and i guess they could feel it they didn't want to give it up and i was like okay and i know i said i was like wow that's never gotten nothing before but okay wow and i got like a little chuckle and i could like recover from that but But sometimes that fucking shit happens. Yeah. Well, I fucked up my Tinder joke bad because as I was setting up, like I said, I heard that girl and the first punch on, I fucked it up.

And it's like a three part joke. And I was like, fuck it. I'm not even finishing it. They're going to hate it. Yeah. And oh, boy, did it suck. God. Terrible feeling.

It is a horrible feeling. I haven't felt that way in a long time like where the whole next day you wake up you just start running it back in your head we also have that shitty energy where your adrenaline's still flowing after the set so you're up but you're depressed so you can't sleep and your mind's still running through that shit and i had to stay the whole night because i drove Abby. She was staying at my place. But she was really cool. She handed me her vape pen like right after I got off stage.

And I was like, oh, thank God. You're the best. And you podcasted with her, right? Yeah, last week. So cool. So we'll probably release that on August 6th.

Nice. Because I'm going to be out of town. Oh shit, where are you going? Mexico. Oh. Nice. Because I'm going to be out of town. Oh, shit. Where are you going? Mexico. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. So excited.

Don't worry. I'm going to gram all about it. We're doing a show the night before, right? The 3rd, yeah. We'll be at the Comedy Loft. Yeah. Or whatever it is. It's like downstairs.

Downstairs at Beer Baron. At Beer Baron, yeah. And then I'm doing... I forgot about the Dan St. Germain... I always call him Dane. Dan St. Germain show. Dan. him Dan. Dan St. Germain. Dan. So, guys, go to the Auto Bar.

Well, no. Come to Gin and Jokes. Come to that. Come to Gin and Jokes. So, is that this Thursday, August 2nd, right? Thursday, Gin and Jokes. Carmen Lynch. Yeah.

Friday, me and you at the Beer Baron in D.C. And then Saturday, I'm at Auto Bar upstairs. I don't know how that's going to go. That's a strong run, though. Yeah. Money. It's a good run. i'm gonna get money yeah but i mean as far as stand-up goes too by like saturday thursday saturday yeah i'm gonna hit up dc this week hopefully i won't bomb yeah you won't no i'm telling you as soon as you have like that first like good five minutes like i'm back baby yeah

i know comedy yeah i got a couple new jokes i'm excited about so we'll see how they go yeah yeah i had the that same shit of just like the comedy gods humbling you like i did one of john yeager's rooms on wednesday yeah and we sent me a picture yeah we've just had we've just had monsoon weather here in maryland like dc area and so driving down it's just torrential downpour like literally like radio off most of the time type of rain where you're like god damn it and i was driving through uh what is it rock creek park or whatever and i could see the river next to my car and it's just like full like gushing down and like i'm gonna float away my prius like this is so stupid that's it rained so much that night like because me and karen went to dinner with my parents in the county

and we were dry it was horrific so yeah it was awful and like i was literally just doing like instagram stories of just like i'm gonna fucking die because i'm an idiot yeah i have a hole in my soul and that whole way down you're just like why am i doing this this isn't worth it like this is such a waste of time yeah yeah so i i have to park far away it's still pouring i forgot to bring an umbrella and then i'm like what am i gonna do just walk in the rain like i went straight from work so i had my gym clothes and then i was walking and i was like fuck it i'm just gonna call a lift and i called a lift from my parking spot to the venue and i was just and the guy sucked like i found like a little like vestibule uh of like an apartment building that i was waiting in and then he parked

like a block away and i'm like what are you doing and then i get in the car and he's like are you good today it's like man yes yeah fine just take me to the fucking so then i get in the car and he's like are you good today it's like man yes yeah fine just take me to the fucking so then i get to the venue and there are literally eight people in the audience like and i think three of those were comics dude so it might have been like 10 and like three of them were comics and uh like god the fuck all of this this sucks but it's like i'm getting my 60 and a free beer and then yeah yeah and then uh a comic was leaving he's like sorry man i gotta go i can't watch your set i was like dude i don't even want to watch my set i get it get out of here yeah and so john yeager god love him but he's just he's a guy uh he just does so much time in between comics paul like normally

if a show like you can comment on something. Like if something like unique happens in the room during a comic set, maybe you bring it up. You're like, oh, you really liked that one, didn't you, Mr. Pants or whatever. You know, like fuck around with that guy. You're like, all right, now your next comic. You really just want to keep the energy flowing. John literally did try to do crowd work with the guy exiting the room.

He's like walking by. He's like, sir, where are you from? And I the guy exiting the room he's like walking by he's like where sir where you from and i'm like john he's gone let's go let's go and he started a bit in between comics he goes uh because there was a couple from australia there who ended up being fucking awesome i was so glad they were there um because i was just able to like springboard everything off of them it's just basically like how did you end up here what are you doing like why is this like the worst vacation of your life uh but john was like oh uh he asked me he's like oh you're from australia i just i just found out some stuff about my family's australia i mean i probably won't get into it now but so what happened was and then he does like a five minute thing and

i lean over to somebody it's like didn't he just say i'm not gonna get into this and the person goes do you know john that's brutal yeah so by the time i got up there i was in total fuck it mode but it was that like good fuck it mode like luckily the people that were there were cool it's i'm surprised people stayed me too i mean god bless them man i sent you a picture and then our friend eddie morrison he headlined that room the week before so i sent him a picture i was like hey how did it look last week was it this lit and he's like god damn and so i sent him a picture he's like there's a big exit sign he's like it's almost like the

exit sign is taunting you they're like telling you like get out yeah i'm still like the one i'm waiting for that gin and jokes where there's like 15 people there it's gotta happen you've been crushing it though i mean it's it's smart to have a monthly show because it leaves them wanting more yeah so oh my god it would just i would just be so embarrassed like like as as a producer, I mean, I get embarrassed when my show doesn't sell out and people are driving from New York. Right. But, you know. Still, if you're coming from New York, they're happy that there's more than,

like, 20 people in the audience. Oh, my God. If there's 30 people there, they're like, this is the best show in the world. Yeah. And speaking of, we got luck. So, Comedy Gods, small crowd, the first on Wednesday. Thursday, we do Speechless speechless and it's sold out we got in the washington post express and it was so fucking tight and when that show sells out it's

great yeah that room sells out yeah yeah yeah because it was so yeah and i didn't really have too much to do ahmed was hosting i went up and did like a three slide presentation that was fine but then lafayette crushed uh frankie crushed everybody was really good and the crowd had such a good like comedy iq it was awesome so we have a big wheel this is the where we do like the improvised powerpoints or whatever so you spin a wheel and that's the type of presentation you give it'll be like ted talk app launch whatever so uh ahmed we have to shoot the shit like in between getting the wheel up just for logistics with the powerpoint presentation to like get it to come up on the projector so we're just like hey

what does something make you nervous or what are you excited to blah blah i really were just killing time and uh and i was like yeah i don't know i mean it looks good and then i was like obviously pandering i was like i just want to do whatever the audience wants to do anything they want to talk about and a guy in the front he's like mark zuckerberg and i was like sir it just want to do whatever the audience wants to do, anything they want to talk about. And a guy in the front, he's like, Mark Zuckerberg. And I was like, sir, it has to be on the wheel. Okay, settle down. So then I spin it and it lands on public apology. And Ahmed's like, okay, what do you want to see Josh give a public apology for?

And that guy goes, Mark Zuckerberg. It was nuts. It was so cool. And so it was stuff like that all night. Lafayette comes up and Ahmed's like what what do you want to like what uh what do you want to talk about it he's like i'll talk about anything communism i know about communism and so like he he's like i guess just i don't want to do a ted talk i don't know what those are wheel lands on ted talk and then they're like what do you want to see him do

a ted talk on a whole place communism that's awesome so he didn't know what a ted talk was or communist he talks about street fighter for most of it he's like zangief like it was so funny um god damn that's awesome and then uh sarah roach went up and uh you have we have a slide for every performer so it has their face and their name when they're coming up and ahmed forgot to adjust last month's presentation so it was sarah's picture but then it said max wolfson and then her wheel landed on uh eulogy and he's like all right who do you want to see uh sarah give a eulogy on they're all like max wolfson it was so cool i don't even know who that fucking guy is yeah he's a comic in dc but so they don't know who he is

either but they just thought it was so funny that's a picture of this smiling girl that says max whoops that's awesome yeah the crowd was cool man god damn yeah so we yeah we got lucky with that one man so it was cool then the band played on friday it was good yeah it was good i heard that was a good show dude it was so fun yeah it was uh we have a bunch of shit like a bunch of songs that require like capos and shit and that really slows the set down so it's like let's just do all the songs that don't have capos first then we'll get to that and like before the show casey was like kind of giving me shit he's like so with like tuning like you don't have to do it like you know it's rock and roll man just turn up your distortion doesn't have to be perfect i'm like i know that's why i set the set list he's

like he's like i know i mean like you're sensitive so what i'm saying i'm like i'm like motherfucker i already told so oh it sounds like you're being a little sensitive fuck you so it's funny during the uh during our set once like me and case like casey said something about the weather and then i started like joking and i didn't have a microphone and uh he's like geez josh i think uh you don't you, yeah, I know you got the whole comedy thing, but if you could let me, and I go, dude, it's okay. It's just you take forever to tune. And I was like, pow. That felt great.

That was fun. Nice, man. It was fun. But yeah, no, it was all like just busting balls. It wasn't like actually mad or anything. But yeah, the fucking show was great, man. It was awesome. It was a good time.

I hung out during the day with Paul and Miles. What did you guys get into? You guys jamming? Yeah. A little music. Paul, this talented fuck, he's playing drums and keyboard at the same time. I saw that. That looked cool, man.

Just trying to keep up. Yeah, dude. It was fun. He's bad. I used to... There was a band that I was in right out of high school. It was like an after band from our full band that shortened to three people. And I became the drummer slash synth player slash bass player.

This wonky, patting your head and rubbing your tummy. Right, right, right, right. That shit's hard, man. God, music. I've been taking lessons, and I finally thought I got to a place where I'm like... Didn't your guitar player ghost you? No. Or your guitar teacher?

Okay. Yeah, we met up last week. Just like, God damn. A guitar teacher ghost you? Yeah, right? It's like, God, how bad is Umar at music and comedy? No, I was like... Because I took taking lessons.

I just, you know, I don't know shit about music. And I want to, like, get to a place where I can just, like, play with people. Right. And I finally thought I was, like, decent at, like, you know i don't know shit about music and uh i want to like get to a place where i can just like play with people right and i finally thought i was like decent at like you know getting like i know four four now like the time signature and uh and like like a decent job of uh keeping the tempo you know but uh and then i went over miles' place to throw some riffs down. And, buddy, I am definitely improved, but still fuck up timing. It is awful. I don't think I have the brain to do music. I think you do.

It's just you started out playing by yourself a lot. Yeah, until we lived together a year ago, two years ago. Yeah, literally like two the entire time you've been playing guitar you've been playing in a vacuum yeah and i had no idea what a time signature was yeah we went to jam and uh it's this really cool riff and like i would start to play it and be like what the fuck where where am i yeah and i was like what what time signature is that and he's like huh yeah it's like it's three o'clock yeah like i don't know yeah i have so much that's why like when people like uh talk shit about any bands now like it's just like dude you have no idea what goes into making a song yeah like even if we and to play it well live yeah it's hard. I like punk, pop, punk. And the biggest thing people shit on that music, it's simple.

It's like, oh, just play three chords. It's like, I know. But even if, let's say, a verse or a chorus is three chords, you still have to figure out a melody. To make a song sound cool with three chords. If your song's on the radio and people know about like that's a huge fucking thing yeah i mean to just record to a metronome and play a song perfectly is really fucking unreal like the fact that like people

because like i'll get like one part of a song that i write down and then i'm like god damn that was tough and like to be able to do that all night is unreal to me yeah and like to be able to sync with other musicians i just don't get it yeah pop punk can be like super uh corny too like it's just as far as like the vocals and lyrics go but the drummer is always killer because you're playing so fast all the fucking time and even if it's yeah and even it's the most like pussy songs you know most pussy songs, that drummer is crushing back there. I think even bands that are respected, what is not a whiny kind of pussy?

Saliva, I think. Have you heard the song Click Click Boom? I don't know. My girlfriend, we were listening to Wilco, and I was like, how is this not pussy music like how is this not pussy music at all or like that one fucking uh uh the guy who sings about jesus christ or whatever uh oh my god the pope the pope yeah yeah he's like what a pussy that guy is right oh what is that band they're super like i love jesus and it's just like this acoustic guitar at first like jesus christ or something what the fuck you're talking about father john misty no milk hotel neutral milk

hotel like how is that not whiny it's just like but it's just that's what you like and that's it's like this is music for people in college so it it's cool. It's just like, who gives a fuck? It's still songs about girls, but they're metaphors or not as obvious as like... And you're still whining. You're totally whining. I don't get it. I just, I don't understand. But, you know, I get it.

Like, there is some like adolescent teenage angst in punk music. Like, bad shitty punk. Like, I mean, whatever. It's like... Speaking of, yeah, Benji and it's like speaking of yeah benji and joel were in annapolis on uh on saturday did you see them no i don't know why i got excited yeah casey it's so funny yeah casey came up he's like just reconnect with benji and joel out there and like okay cool he knows them yeah well because they're from that area wow yeah yeah like jimmy jimmy is on their first record really he sings on uh little things

no motivation yeah there's a nice chorus yeah there's a nice like uh like a chanty chorus yeah yeah yeah yeah but yeah they're from that area but yeah i used to love good charlotte and now i listen to it and it is embarrassing that i used to love them so much did you like them yeah oh absolutely i think just if you grew up in maryland and liked any sort of like pop punk or punk or anything like yeah just kind of fell into it and then when they started blowing up it was just like yeah they're from maryland waldorf is worldwide dude i think they were like the first band that i knew that blew up from you know what i mean like i can't think of another band that i like i knew a little bit before they blew up blew up jimmy's chicken shack was mine

yeah yeah i feel like before that like it was all like dc stuff like fugazi and something that was like before like before we were fucking right my brother was super into my brother's way older than me so he was like way into them so from an early age i remember like knowing them but also since they were so much older i was like yeah but they're like old guys yeah they were probably like 35 at the time right yeah they're basically dead dude right i was just thinking about like all those bands because fugazi like never wanted to charge more than like seven dollars for a show or be in like a magazine that sells beer yeah cigarettes like them and minor threat and like minor threat was dc base too and it's all

ian mckay right oh yeah and so he started the whole straight edge movement came out of minor threat and the whole like selling i you know i think the whole sellout thing was always in the punk ethos but like god how much are those guys regretting that shit right now i don't know man i think if you get a they have to be doing well because he has the record label too, right? Like, doesn't he own Discord? Discord, yeah. I don't know how much they do anymore on it. Right, yeah.

Like, that's the thing. Like, you know, like, that documentary that I'm going to be in, these people, mostly they follow a band, but then they break out and they'll follow, like, me for, like, a couple minutes or whatever

and another artist in New York. And what's the whole thing it's like it's called lifers so it's about people who like have like an artistic pursuit but still have a day gig gotcha which is funny because like everyone else has really cool day jobs where like one person makes drums one person like you know works in like these weird odd jobs and i'm like they were like oh you're the only one who has a real job he's like my job i make spotify playlists for astronauts yeah oh cool psychologist i have a good living and so really me doing comedy isn't like yeah i'm not living or dying by any right it's a great outlet for me i love it yeah really i probably look i was like wow i have the lamest story so i think for me they're to play up the whole immigrant parent thing.

Gotcha. And I'm sure they definitely asked. They did ask the person for like a non-white comic. And this person, L.A. Brandy Pazzi, was like, hey, I know this guy in Baltimore named Umar. So it's all stupid, guys. Go ahead. I was going to say, my group, Bond Street District, was in a documentary from this.

I think it was two kids from the UK that came over, and they wanted to do this thing called Road to Roots. They wanted to go through roots music in America and all this stuff. So they're traveling all over, interviewing all these people, and they come over, and they interview us. And we're thinking it's a pretty low budget, nothing huge, whatever. And they release the trailer like a year and a half later, and it's showing all these different things.

It looks pretty good, and they're showing their different interviewees who are nobody you would really recognize. And then all of a sudden, it's Jimmy Buffett, and then it cuts to us. And it was like, oh my God. It's the most random thing in the world. From Margaritaville to Baltimore.

That's so weird. Jesus. Did it come out? I think so, but I don't think, you know, I don't get picked up or anything like that. Gotcha. But, yeah, I still haven't seen it. Yeah, that's what sucks, man. Like, movie shit and, like, it's so nuts.

Like, people make these amazing films and then you have to go through this whole process of people buying it. And it's just, like people make these amazing films then you have to go through this whole process of people buying it and it's just like jesus years of your life yeah it's unreal and so expensive like my buddy dropped good money on a movie that he made and uh nothing happened yeah i don't think it's looking good for him i feel really bad for him he said it was a pretty pretty dark uh year after because like it got rejected from the maryland film festival so like stand up and that's your hometown stand up set bombing yeah movie bombing because then there's nothing you can do it's not like in the middle of you'd be like i know this movie sucks we're gonna reshoot some stuff real quick yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna edit this the thing is it's like it's a good movie it looks beautiful but you know it's just probably

not what people are looking for it's very artsy it's very um it's a very like smart movie yeah and like the diet like dude some of the words those characters like i don't even know what the fuck they were talking about and you're like holy shit like it's like a very it's a dialogue heavy movie and if you know you need a fucking thesaurus sometimes and uh yeah so it's a bummer like that shit like you put so much work into these fucking things and right they have nothing to you know yeah they're like in five or ten years all of a sudden like some random celebrity is gonna like find it you know yeah like tweet about it or whatever yeah then yeah all the books like that people have written that like just no one has read god how much effort you put in that shit you're like like my buddy fish our buddy

fish wrote a book yeah and uh screenplays too yeah so he self-published it and uh so much work to only have your friend like i mean that's what's gonna happen with my comedy special but like uh so much work for just like your friend but something could happen with i think there still is something to say it's like a personal accomplishment be like at least i did it you know is the all in all like compared to any other thing is like the least it's a lot of work but the yes the least investment almost you're just investing time it's a lot of time anything yeah like money i guess as far as labor maybe labor but yeah but as far as like gas money and your time and shit yeah oh my

god i couldn't imagine writing a fucking book and then people are like no i'm good yeah like just the attention span the shit that we do watch though like the fact that instagram stories are so big it's so weird to me dude i hate it like if i i will just sit there and kill 20 minutes like if i if i was like easy if i was like hey would you like to read my book or watch 15 seconds of me making eggs you'd be like oh book but in reality it's like oh shit josh is making eggs that's cool oh shit oh this person's at the beach and like and then a half hour goes by and you're just watching bullshit dude it drives me nuts like i'm trying to get to a point where i don't check it it's really fucking hard i'm so bad at like yeah dude and like even like sometimes like i'm like all right you know what i to go read a book. I need to like leave my cell phone at home because if I don't.

Oh, I'm addicted. Every two seconds, you're just fucking looking at your stupid fucking phone. See, people are texting you. And if I read, I'll also like, I'll go like two or three pages. And I'll be like, I don't even remember a fucking word I just read. But I am reading it, but I'm not taking it in. Because then I am thinking, I'm like, oh shit, was my phone buzzing or whatever yeah dude we saw eighth grade yesterday my phone was buzzing the whole time and it was like i'm loving this movie but i really want to check yeah

i want to check my notice i want to see my notifications it does is like it infiltrates your fucking mind it does and that's all because it's little like endorphin pellets it's like a like a mouse and like you know going for it's like a little like feeding tube like oh yeah i have anxiety yeah like something it's always something bad so someone's texting me they're mad at me they hate me or like it's my like when i check my email i'm always nervous because i think i'm always getting an email from my boss that's like i did something wrong every fucking time so when i get like a text i just want to know immediately that everything's okay i can't wait to just text you randomly and be like hey everything's okay like i hate when people

like like uh like my brother was like hey man we should talk and i was like about what did i do are you dying and i was like about what he's like no let's do it in person i was like what the fuck do you need money yeah i'm in? Raheel, are you breaking up with me? Yeah, what the fuck? Be honest with me right now. Are you going to shave your beard? Are you going to shave that? No, and I was like, is this about mom and dad?

He's like, yeah, but let's talk in person, dude. And I was like, oh my god. So now I've been freaking out about that for the last week. We were supposed to meet up a couple days ago. We never did. Yeah. And now it's just like, we had dinner, and I mentioned it again. He was like, no, we'll talk in person. I'm like, for about what, dude? ago we never did yeah and now it's just like we had dinner and i mentioned it again he's like

no we'll talk in person i'm like for about what dude i think he just wants to talk about like me like hanging out with our parents more yeah i don't i think it's hard for you though dude yeah who sees their parents like uh twice a month i see my dad pretty a lot but i feel like my thing's unique yeah because he he works where i work and then also like he's alone too and so it's not like and he's not he's not like a bar guy either so it's not like well then i go down to the watering hole and jeff is there and i hang out with him like he's just like i work on my car and then i'm inside i make steaks and i'm like all right you need like you need some human content some human content yeah buddies yeah exactly like i gotta check in see what's going on the whole bar thing is injured since i've been drinking less and i kind of like picked it up a little

bit more like i drank a couple drinks last night and then night before but only two yeah trying to limit myself but uh nice cut if when you cut out alcohol from your life as an adult like it's really hard to find things to do yes it's so it's and then you're like this is sad that we need this this much to social you need something like even with your brother it could be like let's grab a drink and then we'll talk let's grab let's uh talk over drinks right because talking over dinner is a little different yeah you could do coffee but yeah it is it's a little little weirder to be like hey do you want to just like sit it's like no yeah yeah yeah we can't like it's like we want to go for a walk what are we gay it's just like

what are we fucking uh he's like well that's actually i wanted to walk with you i'm gay yeah so and that it's so funny like to try to find things to do on the weekends when that don't involve drinking like like with like my girlfriend yeah it's kind of hard well yeah where's what so what ends up happening is like she drinks and i just don't yeah and i just eat or something right but yeah then it gets tough to like our our friend mace is sober and i feel for him and like we're we're usually pretty good around him like we're not like sloppy but yeah you know people that are drinking you're not i'm sure eventually like this is just annoying so annoying because we've

all done the thing too we're like you have to work late or you can't make it to a party and you get there like three hours late and everybody's just like fucked up and you're like there's no way i'm gonna get on your level at like ever you know yeah exactly yeah like take like 10 shots or i don't even want to be on your level i tell you yeah exactly exactly yeah like uh i mean it's like when you do shows and people are fucking drunk you're just like oh god damn it like yeah and not only would i never want to hang out with you but now i have to fucking perform for you right that. That's a bummer. Dude. Oh my God. A guy at Magoobies got, I was doing Magoobies last week. Yeah.

I was drinking a drunk. This motherfucker. It was the late show on Saturday. So it's like the last show, 20 people in the audience. And a theater that fits like 300. 300. And also this ceiling is what?

100 feet? Huge. It's massive. Unreal. How big are Magoobies? Yeah. It used to be a dinner theater so it's like real big i've been there but maybe they do they wall off yes a second okay so they

have like smaller more like yeah yeah shows okay so yeah they'll put up like partitions so you can't see the rest of it but the ceiling is still so high see now that makes so much more and it's really hard to keep the energy flowing like just because there's just like a small group of people in front of you but like the ceiling is that high like the laughs are like yeah the energy just like dissipates so it's like it's a whole different vibe doing crowd work i was like fuck this no jokes are gonna work it was fine it was going fine then i call i pick on this one guy dude i feel so bad i feel i feel like i'm responsible a little bit for maybe domestic violence and a couple breaking oh no so good set man yeah good set dude so i was just

fucking with the crowd and everyone was into it and we were all we were all having fun with each other i was fucking with this lady from new york and i was like you know what i'm gonna talk to every single one of you and we're gonna get to know each other because it's a small crowd you want everyone to feel unified yep it's going great then i call this one kid i did you know and i was because we're talking about relationships or i was something like i was like oh yeah you're with her i was like how long you guys been together he's like less than a year i was like oh you guys could totally still break up right and like that got like a laugh but he didn't like it and oh he like he was just trying to be funny back oh and he was like he's like i bet you don't have a girlfriend and everyone's like oh

sorry is this guy seven years old yeah and he's just like he's like you're the one who is stupid yeah so he's wearing like a neon under armoror polo. And he was clearly hammered. His girl looked pretty good, like maintaining. Sober. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so he kept interrupting me, like really bad. And to the point. And then I was like, no, you know what, guys?

It's my fault. Because I talked to him. Yeah. And they thought that I was shitting on him by saying that. That was probably my biggest laugh during my whole set. But you were just being honest. You're like, it's learned behavior. Yeah, yeah. I was like, on him by saying that. That was probably my biggest laugh during my whole set. But you were just being honest. You're like, it's learned behavior. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, guys, it's my fault. I was the one who talked to him as if like, just kind of like, oh, he's a crazy person. Yeah, I created this. And people thought that was. And then I felt even worse. And he's like, no, man, I'm sorry. And then he started apologizing. He's like, I was just trying to, you know, be funny.

And I'm like, dude, it's all good. I fucked up. I started talking to you. It's fine. You're good. So then I guess, so I get off stage. The second comic, the feature acts on stage. And I guess he like yelled fuck you to him or something.

Oh, no. He was being funny. Like not the audience member yelled it to the comic. Yeah. But he was like, this is what we're doing we're like messing with each other yeah and then i didn't hear that though someone told me that later so i'm in the bathroom i walk in the bathroom he's peeing and i'm like fuck perfect and the toilet was broken i love that like dudes in a year like you're good man they're like

actively peeing so i'm peeing next up dude i have my phone out whatever i'm just trying to like look distracted so he doesn't talk to me he starts talking he's like hey and he's so drunk like he's so drunk we're like you know like people get drunk they sound like they talk like they're deaf yeah that's how drunk he was and i was like holy shit dude and i was like i thought he was like gonna be angry or something but he was like i'm so so dude I feel so bad. I was just trying to be funny, man. But I know clearly I'm not funny. I'm like, nah, dude, it's all good. And I was just trying to do whatever to appease him.

I'm like, dude, you're fine. It was my fault. And the whole time, my dick is in my hand. He's done peeing, and he's just staring at me. Worst. And I'm like, dude, seriously. It's a tiny bathroom, too. Yeah, tiny.

And I'm like, dude, tiny dick, too. tiny and i'm like dude tiny dick too also i'm like dude so that's fine yeah that's fine it's fine okay play your room uh karen said it works okay and uh yeah uh and he's i'm like profusely like trying to i'm like dude it's fine it was my thought you're great you didn't do anything wrong you stopped talking once i told you he's like all right but still man and i'm like okay we dude. Seriously. So then I'm peeing. He comes up from behind me and hugs me. No. He's hugging me.

I love that. And he's swaying. He's like, no. What a move. What a move. And I was just like, holy shit. Like, I didn't know what to do. And I was like, he's like, hey, you can say this on stage.

I'm like, I got to move. Oh, I will. Oh, my God. I totally forgot about this story that is incredible unreal you can talk about this yeah you could tell him i got too close to you while you're peeing and it's like i was like yeah man cool okay so then uh like what does he do when he gets back to the table he's like hey, hey, I saw the comedian in the bathroom. I hugged him from behind while he's peeing. We're all good. Yeah.

I took care of it. Okay. So then I'm watching Kurt, the headliner. Yeah. And Kurt starts talking to this guy. And Kurt didn't know anything because no one, you know, no comics watch the show before they go on before they go yeah they might like see glimpses here and there but they're not watching entire sets exactly yeah and so i'll break off like just to show like how much people don't watch the shows like one of the nights there was all these old people and they were wearing glow sticks

around their necks oh jesus and i made fun of them you know i made the easy rave joke people were liking it. Yeah. You guys coming from Burning Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a hot crowd. Literally anything you say, they'll laugh. And so I'm just like playfully trashing this table.

Right. And they want, you know, they were into it. Because I was being nice. And I said, and I was like, seriously, why do you guys have those? They're like, we're just a big group. I'm like, oh, my God. I was like, how fucking seriously, why do you guys have those? They're like, we're just a big group. I'm like, oh my God. I was like, how fucking nuts are these old people that like they need to like. Anyway, so then people like were into that.

And then so Kirk gets on stage. So people don't get lost. Yeah, that's what she's. I think she's trying to be fun. Okay. Okay. I was like, yeah. Anyway.

Yeah. Kirk goes on stage. He's like, wait, why are you guys wearing glow sticks? He's like, what kind of old person? What old people rave did you guys come from gets a laugh and then at one point because the people who were wearing them were super old yeah i mean like old where like they didn't even understand what was happening around them yes and kurt was like is that are they is that to mark the dead people at your table oh my god did i get a reaction huge laugh okay good but dude

good the night before he was fucking with an older couple who hated him yeah friend of andrew friends of andrew's parents this table also friend of andrew's andrew celebrating so andrew the owner of mcgoobies the owner of the club. They were celebrating someone's birthday. And I guess Andrew was like, hey, come on. You have free tickets. Come by my club. Free tickets. Free show.

So he was 0 for 2. Dang. Anyway, so Kurt's on stage. He starts talking to this guy in the polo. Yeah. And the guy's just like being very drunk. And just like, you know, like when you you talk to someone you just want like a one or two word this guy's talking for paragraphs and the audience are like over this guy yeah yeah

literally it's like just answer the question and move the fuck on at one point dude this guy gets up yeah walks to the side of the stage where the steps on walks on stage. Like, I'm sorry, man. Dude, come on. Give me a hug, bro. Jesus. On stage. Jesus. And then, like, so, like, the hostess and people rush over to get him off stage. And, like, Kurt didn't want to touch him. So he just held the microphone, stand up.

He's like, dude, get away from me. Get away from me. Yeah. And he's like, you're good, buddy. No, no, don't touch me. And Kurt's probably thinking, like, is there security here? here what the fuck exactly and and so he got kicked out and then the the hostess she was yeah that's that's a wrap you gotta go the whole time he was just yelling fuck you to her like fuck you blah blah blah apparently they each had four shots of patrone

and they were probably he was just screaming at his girlfriend in front of the club and they were probably wasted before they came in yeah yeah so i think i broke a couple up that night well it's like you guys probably gonna break up and then boom yeah i feel bad so wait i feel like i started it all by acknowledging him so wait the four patron shot that's the same guy yeah oh my god apparently they each did four shots of patron oh and that guy got on stage or somebody else did oh the same guy yeah oh my god apparently they each did four shots of patrone oh and that guy got on stage or somebody else did oh the same people oh my god so you had nothing to do with that that at that point right yeah if you're going through a potential maybe breakup and you're like you know what we should do tonight comedy go to a comedy show and get wasted yeah

you're breaking up yeah it was like almost ready to call the cops and yeah but they left and but also like god i hope they ubered home or something they were she seemed fine but then because i was like oh he was just a fucked up on the and then they're the waitress for their tables like dude they each had four shots of patrone i was like oh and also who's balling out that hard at magubi yeah four shot minimum bro yeah like what are you doing like i like every i don't think i've ever had a club weekend where something fucking insane doesn't happen yeah i mean people i've had good weekends i think but like yeah like there's always a crazy somebody that gets too drunk people like just don't there are people who like just

should like like we should have been able to mark them you know how like like scientists mark like whales we tag them you see that tag you're not allowed in anything for the next six months yeah like a comedy club tag people just don't know how to act in public yeah there's uh there's a meetup group that comes to a show i do in arlington at this place called ragtime this like back. And sometimes they can be fun. Sometimes they can be a nightmare because they're a group. So it's like 20 people and it's a meetup group of like single people over a certain age. They don't want to laugh at like the fucked up stuff because they're like trying to maybe impress or whatever.

Or maybe they're trying to show off. There's a guy that sits up front and like he would do the heckle where like you say a bit and then they try to like add to it yeah and and so you're just like hey man don't fucking do that like yeah like i literally i was like i didn't care because i was hosting but i was trying to do the thing to prevent him from doing it for other comics and i'm just like just kind of destroying this guy and just like keep going with it and it's like you should say something funny well i mean you haven't yet you never will because you're not funny so you should shut the fuck you know just like keep going with it. And it's like, you should say something funny. Well, I mean, you haven't yet and you never will because you're not funny. So you should shut the fuck up. You know, just like going at him

and he's like, and then after the show, he came up to me and he's drunk and he's like, hey man, it's just, I'm sorry. I was just trying to have fun

and I didn't want to like ruin the show, you know, and he's having a tough time. Like I'm not seeing my daughter and I'm like, this is way too much info. And I'm like trying is this is way not what i signed up for way too much info and i'm like trying to like leave now it's like and also dude like you're fucking up in every facet of life yes yes and then you gotta change something and then i go uh i go like i'm trying

to salvage it i try to salvage it and he just goes uh he's like he's he's like yeah just you know i'm not seeing my daughter and you know it's just it's been really hard i'm like, I'm not seeing my daughter. It's been really hard. I'm like, well, I'm sure you're a good dad, man. He goes, here's the thing. I'm not. And I was like, okay. I'm giving you an opportunity. You're also not a good audience member.

At least you know. But he came back to a show a few weeks later, a month or two, or whatever it was. He was sitting in the same spot. With his daughter. That was going to be a happy ending no well kind that he had a neck brace on and uh and i was like oh shit what happened like i thought like somebody beat him up he was in his car and he was on a date and he was parked under a tree that tree got hit with lightning branch fell on the car and i was like yo even god hates you that's the kind of reality i want to watch yeah chick in the car i think so but he was the only

one that got hurt good of course yeah what's your name this guy god his life yeah must be tough yeah yeah so i didn't make fun of him that night also he was much more humble but uh you imagine like someone just like hey man i'm sorry i was being a dick i'm just not seeing my daughter it's like well yeah i'm having a rut because he was drunk so it's like all coming like same thing like and he was alone well he was with the meetup group so i think he was like you know i'm gonna blow up some steam i'm gonna be funny at the comedy show and then just gets wasted and it's like the guy in the bathroom is like hey man you know like it's all like you know they're drunk enough where they're like i just want to connect

yeah i would love to like i should have got that guy's number it'd be so fun you should have asked for it while he was behind yeah it would be so fun to like bring him on our podcast and just like interview him no no it seems like a nightmare that kid's brain he's got to be equally as wasted because yeah yeah like and we have to do it from a bathroom probably has a great job he probably makes he looks like he made a lot of money okay but like how do you make it that far in life and act that way it's a lot of people do man like just makes no sense yeah well if you don't have like a hobby or anything like you know you just go out and you just get wasted on the weekends and like

i mean i don't know her she seemed like just very sweet quiet like she was embarrassed like the whole time she's trying to get him to stop talking and like shushing him so uncomfortable and then other audience members were super upset yeah with such a point where they asked to see andrew and with such a small crowd too it's really annoying it's like like in a way it was like so nice he was like man that guy was so disrespectful to those comics we were trying to enjoy this show it's like it wasn't that bad but like yeah right and then another like at the show at the crown show where i bombed um dude i'll say this if you're at like if you're an audience member and another audience member

is ruining the show for you say something yeah the performer on stage will almost always love it because the guy even came to him he's like hey man you were like you were great like people were laughing around us and and like honestly man like i heard that chick up front she wouldn't shut shut up the whole show and i almost was gonna say something but i didn't want to make it worse for you i was like oh dude please next time say something because that would have gotten the crowd on my side and would have made you feel better too like i'm not against everybody here just like yeah i just didn't want it to be weird and which i get like you're making yourself so vulnerable as an audience member totally yeah if you're a dude

yelling at a woman oh yeah pipe down yeah but he was like yeah we couldn't like she kept like ever she was just talking over you and just being rude and i was like damn yeah i'm glad someone else heard and acknowledged it yeah and it shows that you were in a shitty situation wasn't just like that guy a fucking shirt he would have bought it just because he felt so bad you know umar was really on your side on that story so this is this gross capitalist like god damn i had him on the hook for a sale Just because he felt so bad. You know, Umar is really on your side on that story. This is this gross capitalist. Like, God damn, I had him on the hook for a sale. It's not like you need that 20 bucks.

No, no, no. I'm totally fucking kidding. Yeah. That would be a fun joke to add. But it is nice. You know, you make a little couple of dunk-ins. I'm sure. Yeah, sure. I mean, brunch ain't going to pay for itself.

That's true. You know what I'm saying? Right. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. And it's a restaurant week. Should we wrap it up yeah we're at about uh about an hour good stories in there yeah paul thank you for videoing yeah how was it sitting on your floor that's falling apart yep yep uh everything else falling apart too got pieces and parts is this thing also fell apart

how cool would be if your roof collapsed during this taping pretty pretty not cool because i still live here but i mean well, just to have that evidence. That would be cool. Yeah, if the camera was facing it, that's important. That's good content. I also wish that I recorded my landlord screaming in my face in the house.

Yeah, I was going to text you like, yo, you good? Because you're out there first. Talk about that while I pee. Yeah, then we'll wrap it up. I kept thinking to myself, I've got to be up there filming this right now. No't hear it at all so yeah we're recording from paul's apartment and uh with all this rain like you're right by your skylight is fucking caving in yeah

yeah it's like this your ceiling is bowing it's pretty it's pretty visible yeah it's no good and our uh slum lord of a lamb lord is uh trying to sit here and tell me that you can't replace these kind of roofs. You can only patch them. Mm-hmm. So we'll see. I'm sure a roofer would say that, too. Totally. He's like, what can I do?

Right. What am I supposed to do here? It's this kind of roof. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like a city roof. You can't replace those. Yeah.

Dude, that sucks, man. Oh, yeah. We can't replace those. Yeah. Dude, that sucks, man. Oh, yeah. We never did fucking questions. Let's see here. And then we'll wrap up. Yeah, we asked people on the book to ask us some questions. We're going to do a Q&A. Right, right.

You know, and then we thought, you know, we were like, you know, we're just going to do a one-on-one and we'll open it up. But listen, we've been talking for like over a fucking hour here. Just so everybody knows, Umar literally just turned into Tom Hanks from A League of Their Own and pissed for about five straight minutes. Yeah, he did. That was that was impressive. That was every pee for me. That's crazy. Yeah, it's I pee so much and I pee a lot and I'm not bragging.

It's kind of like it's kind of a nightmare. I pee so much. See, I thought that you're going to say you don't pee very often. I drink a lot and uh i'm not bragging it it's kind of a like it's kind of a nightmare i pee so much see i thought that you're gonna say you don't pee very often i drink a lot of water i was gonna say that's what it is so yeah let's get a microphone in the bathroom let's get a video camera in there too just you know for content there's already a video you should go through these questions because i feel like we could make uh uh like a video just out of a q a that'd be fun yeah all right let's do it all right right. So, or any of these. Yeah, we put it out on the book.

Friend us. I guess we should have put it on the Dig Sesh page, but we didn't do that, but it's fine. That's all right. We'll do it in the future. I knew the questions were going to mostly just be our friends. I knew you were going to be wet joke questions. Yeah.

All right, are we ready? Yeah. While I was waiting for Paul. And I will not stop the audio. Don't. No edits. Dig Sesh Q&A. So, this is basically, this is like the audio. Don't. No edits. Deeks says Q&A. So this is basically, this is like overtime anyway.

We did a whole episode, so this is the extra shit. Nice. Cool. So let's start with a softball question. Do you guys like softball? Yeah. Ask Mr. Softball. Who's playing, you know? Are you going to call me back?

That Under Armour guy in the bathroom all right this is for my girlfriend did i see a pic of you guys docking on the interwebs uh i just taught her what the term docking i'm gonna i'm gonna say no she didn't see it on the internet we have it framed in my house and yours nice best local comedians in the dV. Yeah, we talk about Ramin all the time. Jason Weems. Jason Weems. Lafayette Wright. Lafayette's a killer, man.

He's so good. He's so good, dude. Yeah, I mean, I guess Paris is gone, but she's going to be on that show with us on the third, actually. Yeah, Paris. In D.C. I would say Dominic Rivera is fucking dope. He's crushing it.

He's bringing his... Mati Litwack is a killer. Benji's a killer. Yeah. There's so many. Yeah. many yeah i mean yeah the whole like dc scene is really strong baltimore a dude that i really like and i think is so funny is scott cease i've only i've only seen him once that was at your open mic but i've only heard great things about that dude i feel like he's like he reminds me of john mulaney he his delivery is great his

joke writing is so good quite the compliment he's got tags i mean obviously he's not like but like that yeah he has the look the cadence that vibe the vibe yeah oh shit he's barely been doing it and he's like his joke writing to me is so far ahead of where like a lot of people are at his level right or the amount of time he's been doing standout yeah it's like fuck like and i told him i was like dude move to new york now like if you really care about comedy just go just go like because i fucked up you know like a lot of people fuck up just by staying here and i think you should just move because you're funny and uh yeah see it yeah and people say too it's like well you don't want people to to see you i think if you're that young you have so much time to grow and you're

already around that scene so if you're in la or new york already and you're doing that shit and you're only getting better like something's gonna happen yeah so and then uh yeah of course dark mark jess murphy garrett yeah um dark mark's so good he's he's so uh like like like in the moment on stage yeah unreal yeah it's so there's no difference between him on and off stage yeah at all a great dude yeah all right next question is from paul is you gay john shelley you answer that first well i mean paul you should know by now yeah come on i mean look i told you when we were making out i was like this is cool because i'm not gay yeah two straight dudes yeah while i was just there watching and jacking off i was like yeah we were all yeah we're all practicing for when we do it with girls yeah what are we gonna get good at

it what are we gonna be inexperienced when we make out with chicks not me not me i thought i was like i gotta practice with my bros like i don't think was. I was like really late when I had my first kiss. I was 15. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Dude, I was Frenching at like 12, dude. Do you remember that? Like, people used to say like, dude, have you French kissed yet?

Have you Frenched? And it was so. And then when we did it, it was so awkward. It was just like. I don't even know. You're just like, our tongues have to touch. Yeah. And it's just like, you're like, am I doing it right?

And I remember I got feedback from a girl. She just made out with me just so I could say I kissed somebody, which is sad. She yelped you. Yeah. Three out of five stars. And apparently my mouth was too open, which I, what the fuck am I supposed to know? Yeah. You just know that your mouth should be open and there should be tongues.

Yeah. Yeah. You're just like, dude, um, uh, we saw, uh, eighth grade yesterday, the Bo Burnham movie. Yeah. It's great. Oh, it looks so good. But there's a scene where she has a crush on, on a kid and she's like trying to flirt and she's like super awkward and like trying to get his attention.

And, uh, he's just like, do you get blowjobs? And I like, she's like terrified and then like goes to walk away. And she's like, uh, the answer to your question is yes. And I'm very good at it. And like walks away.

And she's like, of course, like hadn't even like kissed a boy yet. Right. And like, like, God, I forgot about this.

Like, what have you done? Like what base have you been to? And shit like that. Yeah. I remember kissing a girl like in the woods and there was like some like remember what you would like just get together to go to the mall and like a parent would drive like a van full of middle schoolers like stuff like that it was like oh my god josh and britney just kissed it is like shut up and that's what it was. It would always be like, okay, me and my dude friends would roll up in a van, and we'd all meet up a big group of girls at the mall.

And I just remember we'd say hi, and then we just didn't hang out. Yeah. And we'd walk by each other and giggle. And it's all building up, too. It's like, we're going to see the girls. Yeah. And I remember we each had a crush on some of the girls, but no girl had a crush on me.

Some of the girls had crushes on my friends, but I was this fat Pakistani boy with awkward facial hair. And God, it was so sad looking back on it. God damn it. You're parting your bowl cut. You're like, I'm going to crush tonight in the mirror. I put on my best Dickies and Blink-182 shirt that day to go to the mall. You know, stuff chicks like. Yeah, chicks love.

You know what? You're in middle school. No, not even. even in middle school like it was lame yeah yeah you know all these like i think you know me and like i think that's what me and like a lot of like uh the lgbtq community have in common like we really you know i was out about my blink fandom for a long time and i got a lot of shit for it and uh it gets better it gets better guys god you should you should do a testimonial you have like a sideways cap and like a famous stars straps thing like hi i'm umar and i'm here to say it gets better where you've been yeah what's my age again don't worry about it yeah yeah all right uh all right uh let's get through some questions oh this runs from this one's like insulting to you, Josh. Okay, good. Do you guys have the same?

He's like from Umar. Do you have the same curl routine? Your pipes look identical. Josh has way bigger arms than I do. No. But in that picture, they do look the same. Yeah, yours are looking good in that pic. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think we have similar. I don't know. I just do curls in the gym. I blast what I call my glamour muscles. You know what I mean? No, I do curls. I do pushups.

And again, I guess this is being filmed and I want to address a rumor that's going around. Oh, how much do you bench? Oh, I guess you've heard the rumor. Um, 225. Wow. Jeez. Word travels fast. Yeah. I'm Josh Kaderna and I benched 225 for two reps in a row i had a

spot not even maxed out not even maxed and you know and i had a spotter he didn't touch the bar oh my god i guess i feel better just getting that off my chest and addressing the rumors has anyone at the gym ever asked you some guy who had four plates on each side. Four? Asked me to spot for him, and I was like, dude, I can't. I would be like, let me ask you a question. Do you want to die? I mean, he was maxing out. But also, this is when I went to a gym where it was just nothing. Four on each side?

So that's 180 on each side. It was like something crazy. That's 400 pounds. Maybe not 445, but it was like something that's that's 400 pounds all right maybe not 445 but it was a lot like this if you would have seen this guy dude it was unreal how big he is yeah and he definitely was roiding sure uh and he uh and i was like dude why are you asking i'm literally the smallest dude in the gym he's like well you were the only free one and i was like all right what you trying to say bitch you were the only one not doing anything you're posting on facebook come on man i'm in the middle of some shit uh let's do

let's do a couple more then we can save some questions yeah yeah all right uh oh i thought this was a good question what is your one dream you want to happen in stand-up anthony davis uh let's see i i don't know i don't have one i you know what i'd really like i would love for somebody to be like i want you to feature for me on the road like i would love to do a stretch of shows like that and then a more realistic one i would love to like get in a van with you and maybe like two other people yeah and go from like dc to baltimore to new york and then like come back down and do like an extended weekend or like long week of shit god isn't it unreal like four years ago we would have

been saying like conan yeah uh maybe a comedy central half hour right yeah i don't i think like a dream like yeah i definitely want to do the road yeah as a feature like i got to do it once it was awesome it was like yeah one of the best weekends of like literally one of the best weekends of my life it was such a fucking thrill to be able to do like a 25 30 minutes set every night at a like one of the most respected clubs town you've never been to the headliner brought you there headliner requested me they paid for me to be there and um every night like i met cool ass people like so the first night these two girls i was just gonna walk back uh and catch an uber on the corner and they're like hey come drink with

us we're gonna buy you drinks i was like okay why wouldn't i i'm having the best weekend of my life in their head they like oh my god you must be like on like literally they're like you must be on your way i'm like i'm not like yeah you are yeah so they think they're like drinking with someone who's gonna be famous right which is gross but felt great sure and then uh the next night like uh i met this girl we she took me all over we went to art museum together we ate like uh dinner yeah drinks and uh so fun yeah and um this dude i met on the plane on the way over he came out to a show with his wife he took me around town with his family he used to work in this old-timey market that's like their lexington market uh-huh and he showed me everything he started an ice cream stand there bought me food fuck yeah and

then uh my airbnb people were cool they invited me out and uh it was like the best dude yeah so fucking fun yeah i would like to do that for like a run yeah and then after six months you get used to it yeah and i'm sure like everyone who does do the road like oh you sound like such a newbie yeah yeah yeah because you're excited about it i'm sure eventually you're not like going out and shit yeah i think that'd be a dream if someone wanted to take me on the road for like a month yeah and then even from there like to do a run i think with friends yeah here's a question that uh literally got me and karen in a fight last night that we are not gonna answer oh good from okan at joe square thanks okan uh you are both in a devil

threesome let's end it here well i have to go i have to get my dad's in like 10 minutes so let's do this horrible question who is the girl no celebrities or fictional characters so we have to pick a girl we know in baltimore that we would both fuck at the same time hmm uh okay this is gonna be controversial but i'm gonna say the uts girl that's a fictional one no not to me i see the way she looks at me i think you're uh i think you're not following the rules yeah i'm not gonna follow yeah but no no karen was like karen was like why would you even read that to me i was like i thought she no because i she saw how excited i got when i saw it yeah i was like karen listen to this question and she was like umar why the fuck is that funny and i was like right uh yeah it's not yeah would you like to play that game with me i was like yeah i wouldn't give a shit and uh and i was like yeah let's say you and jenny

her roommate are like let's say you guys are having it and she's like umar clearly you've never been in a threesome i'm like whoa whoa whoa she was like it's way different when two chicks are in a threesome and it's a dude because we're going to be like fucking, like we're going to be doing shit to each other. You and Josh aren't going to be doing shit to each other. No. And I was like, yeah, I guess that's fair. She was like, so that's even awkward for me and Jenny to try to even answer. Yeah.

It's not the same. Yeah. The whole thing is awkward. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's why he was just being a dick. Yeah, of course. But what a great question. Sure.

Really good. I love that yeah i i wouldn't uh i wouldn't want to do a devil's threesome anyway yeah i don't think there's a chick hot enough where i'm like all right i'll see my friend's dick for that yeah no yeah no thanks uh our buddy mikey larick had a joke about that oh really it was like he's like yeah my friend's uh like thinking about doing a threesome one of the uh ones with two guys and he's like just like even if it goes well he's like i don't think you guys are both gonna finish at the same time like what if he's blocking you in the driveway logistics are weird oh cool speaking of mike gularik yeah posted a picture of him on the beach

yeah rip is fucking ripped. Ripped zaddy. I might meet him later, actually. See Glassjaw. Nice. Down here. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. We'll save some questions for next time, too. Maybe we'll make a post like that every week. Oh, I like that. I like that. Let's see. Oh, Bob Rose has one. Let's see.

Are questions still being accepted? Josh, if the magical opportunity was presented would you have sex with umar to his quote-unquote completion five times in one day in order to prevent 9-11 now follow-up question for from john bennett umar same question but it's six times to prevent 9-11 yeah i feel like our country i feel like 9-11 brought our country together. Here come the excuses. Yeah, I don't think I want to stop that kind of... I'm just picturing you at a press conference, like a weird black mirror thing. You're like, I know a lot of people do, but just in the long run, the healing that came from it.

Guys, everywhere you look in history where there's tragedy there is people coming together right yeah and the only people that aren't coming together are me and you yeah all right let's end on that one uh paul thank you so much for uh letting us do it at your apartment and filming it and uh we'll just call you a producer now hey yeah i like that producer credit producer paul cool crushing over there let's plug some shit so yeah the uh august 3rd i think that's the only one that i'm gonna really promote i think as i pull up my shit cool uh so august 2nd gin and jokes at joe's square yeah third me and josh are both at the dc Loft, which is Beer Baron. Yep. It's a dope show run by Dom Rivera. Super cool dude.

Yep. August 4th, I will be featuring opening of one of those things that don't matter for Dan St. Germain. He's really funny. He's been on the Conans, the Fallon, I think. The Conans? He's become an old man all of a sudden. Yeah, he's been on the Conans. He's been on the Tonight Shows um he's a funny dude man so come watch that show he's a big beard but you know buy

your tickets to jen and jokes first carmen lynch headlines big beard big laughs let's see so i will be yeah august third thing and then on the 11th i'm doing black car Declined again. Great show. And where is that? It might be at the loft, right? No, it's somewhere else. But I will update you on that when it happens. It's like somewhere in D.C. or something. Let's see. And I cannot find it.

But yeah. All right. Yeah. And then we're doing Speechless on the fourth Thursday of every month. So come out to that at the D.C. Draft House. Follow me on the Instagrams and the Twitters and all that shit. It's just at Josh Koderna. The podcast is on Facebook. Say hi over there

and on Twitter. Paul, anything you want to plug? No. Alrighty. Alright. He's looking for an apartment in everyone. Yeah.

Let me state your place. Alright. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Roush and Sessions coming to an end. out. We'll be right back. Thank you.