The Digression Sessions - Ep. 262 - FIXED AUDIO - Josh & Stav! (@StavvyBaby)

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

Not sure why the audio was only 13 mins long the first time, but it should be fixed now! Sorry! Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, while Umar is on vacay, Josh sits down for a one on one with the plus sized model himself, Stavros Halkias! Stav is a cohost of the Cum Town podcast, and a touring stand up comedian. See him on tour and listen to his pod!  Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna and Umar Khan, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

TAGE NETWORK That's a Gotti Come Sessions baby Hell yes Broadcasting live from Stavros Halkias' The fuck castle I was gonna say Depression Pit South. But yeah, same dip.

Nah, dude. Don't let the people know. It's lavish in here. Look at my chandeliers. Don't you like the many chandeliers that I have? I was going to say it might be a bit much, but it works to have like five. We're just in the entryway, too. I haven't even seen the rest of the house.

This is the foyer. No broke motherfuckers allowed in the rest of the house. This is the foyer. You don't get to... No broke motherfuckers allowed in the rest of the house. This is an entryway. Post a sign. Some people have no soliciting. No broke motherfuckers. Past this point, you must be this rich to come into the living room. Yeah, you have to fucking make it rain before you come in.

But it's... Yeah, so you bought this house, man. Yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. This is the largest investment i've ever made in my life it's scary right it is well so so i walk in stop just on the couch while i knock on the door and you're like come in that's right i'm not getting up shirtless on the couch well yeah you're injured you got uh i'm still nursing my left foot yeah you got a you got an injury and come in there's a big couch you're

spread out and uh 70 inch tv on the floor that's right brother the first two purchases because so we had um i had a come town live show sunday we're recording this on thursday and i'm have a show in baltimore and uh this saturday so i had like a weird like middle. I had a weird like time traveling with my foot. Yeah. It's kind of hard. So. Yeah. I just said, fuck it.

I have a home now. Let me just set up shop. And my brothers didn't have shit. And I was like, we're buying a cow. I sent my brothers immediately to Value City Furniture because we buy local. Sure. You know what I mean? Well, you got to think globally.

Exactly. But you act locally. You know, we support, dude. I spent so much so much of my life in Value city i'm loyal you know what i mean so much of those fucking so much i would never i would have never been in polos sure i would have never ralph loren would have never graced no way these chest these chest fucking these pecs yeah you know my young pecs stretched out by those pecs that was the look by the way i don't know but polo you wanted to be in a polo yeah you wanted a polo i also got a lot of like knockoff jerseys from value city like kids i remember in elementary school would have like the bulls jersey

and i was like i have kind of like a red just say chicago no just said 23 on it oh really or you'd always get the person after they were traded. Yes. You know what I mean? Like Value City. The old shit. I had a Roberto Alomar from Value City after he left town. Nice.

You know what I mean? Nice. You're like, well, I mean, he was great here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's classic. Yeah, totally. But really when you're- My parents had no fucking clue.

Sure. So they just saw Orioles. You're like, Stavro, look what I saw Orioles And that was your dad speaking Yeah that was my father Although I did also get a BJ Serhoff For some reason he was my favorite Oriole No reason why I didn't make it out to the Comptown Live

I listened to it though You had a BJ Serhoff pull I love BJ dude He's my guy I, yeah, you had a BJ Serhoff pull. I love BJ, dude. He's my guy. Deep cut. I don't know why I loved BJ Serhoff. What position did he play?

He was like a utility man, bro. Okay. You know, he was grinding it out. Yeah, yeah. He was never a home run hitter. Or maybe I have that wrong. Maybe he was like a fucking... I literally don't even remember. He was the man, though.

But I remember being like, you know what, BJ, that's my guy. You couldn't be... I didn't want to be a Cal guy. remember being like you know what bj that's my guy you couldn't be i didn't want to be a cow guy everyone's a cow guy what was there was another who was brady anderson maybe yes that guy that was also too that was too in vogue yeah he was the cool one he was cool yeah like he looked cool i think he had a leather jacket yeah home runs and by cool he just looked gay like that's what was cool at that time for some reason yeah he was just like he had that one photo shoot do you remember where he was just like i think he had he had he came out with the with the um blonde tips oh shit he frosted those really so might actually be gay possibly there's a lot of that going or is that just a thing like

as we age or like as time goes on like what was a cool guy it's like oh that was just gay like burt reynolds like prime that's a great point you know like in everything metal i mean this has been talked about a lot but judas priest that's just all gay like like super gay shit like literally fetish like fuck pigs bondage right leather that's true burturt Reynolds, that's gay. Yeah, like he was the man. And you're like, wow, look at him. Yeah, that's true.

Big mustache. That's going to happen now. Rappers are all dressing in like capris again and like wearing like so much jewelry. It's really weird how like punk kind of filtered in. It's like the coolest rappers, not even punk, are like emo as shit. Well, yeah, there's definitely a generation of even punk are like emo as shit well yeah there's a definitely a generation of rappers that are like hot top dressed like like hot girls used to dress from hot topic yeah a chief among them is uh lil uzi vert who's the king of that shit and he rocks it

by the way he really does i don't know if you've seen so he's so good on the internet he just like every video he just poses like a hot girl does and i respect that so much yeah like post i think uh his profile pictures like uh like a japanimation type thing he loves he loves hayley williams from paramore huge hayley fan maryland uh maryland manson yeah it's really weird there's a lot of there's a lot of rappers who do the corny shit. It's almost like an affront to white culture. It'd be like if rock stars started getting into fucking... Who are those fucking losers that did the first rap?

It was like, a hip. What the fuck is that shit? The fucking losers. You know what I mean? Sugar Hill Gang. It'd be like it'd be like if dave grohl was like i'm really into sugar hill gang right you know what i mean like a bucket yeah or like i guess yeah yeah yeah because it's like like i remember when danny brown was really into like slipknot yeah he was like that yeah he was that's like super weirdo yeah yeah yeah

and it's like slipknot sucks dick whoa whoa okay let's reel it in we're having a lot of fun here stop but let's reel it in sorry dude i forgot still a fan i'm still a fan saw them twice at 9 30 no big deal how what ages uh how old were you 29 no i was i was uh it was ninth grade and 10th so like 14 and 15 hell yeah and i probably looked like little uzi vert looks now like i had dyed red hair like tight shirt chain i love the big pants and i was like this is that rules oh dude you were a big pants kid totally but not again knockoff shit like i would have killed for jinkos i remember i had a pair of jinkoss that fit like normal? And I was like, this is fucking lame. Yeah. It's like they need to be big as shit.

Your mom just got you pants. Yeah, just regular pants. Well, you dumb bitch. These need to be baggy as fuck. She's like, you want me to get beat up. Yeah. Do you hate me? What the fuck did I do to you?

There was. All my friends are dead. Yeah. Those were good. A sneaky side effect of those big pants okay uh hiding shit exactly yeah you could just i remember i had a bunch of weed on me at one point in high school and um uh and i was um what's a bunch it was like i don't know uh like a um two ounces okay yeah you know especially in high school it's like yeah like it's crazy how like not a big deal weed is now at all like at all like even if you had like a

little bit in your pocket and you're at home it's like how was your day it's like good yeah like they have no idea yeah yeah you were so scared yeah yeah um and i just didn't, I just remember I needed someone to transport it. And just some fucking, some fucking like dorky ass, just like kid who would like, you know, I would go in on a lot of weed with my friends. It wasn't, I wasn't a drug dealer so much as it was, I was running a drug co-op. I'd like to look at it that way. Very progressive. And I just needed him to be like a mule, basically. And I was also using my mother's Weight Watchers scale at the time.

I love that. Like, yo, let me get two points a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My man. Come through with them points. Sticks and stems are unlimited. You know? It's like it's the zone.

They changed the rules, dude. Eat all the stems. That's right. Yeah. You can eat as much vaped weed as you want. Dude, Keef go nuts. as you want dude keef go nuts zero point keef go nuts yeah absolutely um but yeah he transported in his big ass pockets and i was ever like oh there's some there's some function there he's picturing you like a little

mob boss yeah i'm gonna get you to jenko jeans you're gonna move my weight watches i take care of you huh all right um but yeah dude so yeah so you're back in the uh the old neighborhood that's right dude greek town yeah it's like people dream of moving their family out the hood i just moved my family to a different part of the hood down the street yeah literally it's a block away from where i grew up but yeah it's uh you know pop in check on my mom's yeah you got our dishwasher too right i like that so you're taking care of the fam that's right it's it's so weird the trajectory of things like you have a podcast called come town that's right where you guys say the worst things hilarious yeah and you had no like intentions of it blowing up or catching on or

thought that it would because i still think we're all coming this close to saying the n word every week and people are like i'll pay five dollars for that yeah yeah yeah and you guys are raking in the dough and it's so great like you bought a house off of that i know it's crazy it's fucking great it makes no sense no i'll write it out baby yeah i love it too yeah because like yeah you'll have episodes where you're just like doing a crossword yep it's fucking great yep it would be it's it's gonna be nice when people stop listening and we're all free of this prison you really feel like it is uh come towns of prison? It's weird, man. I mean, I don't, you know, obviously not.

It's like I get to be rich and do almost no work. You're laying shirtless in a home you bought. You're like, this prison. And more than anything, I get to fucking, like, get to do stand-up on the road and shit, which rocks. Yeah, I've seen that. I mean, the fact that you can like post like i'll be in seattle and it's like the show's in seattle sold out yeah that was crazy i had no idea um that's fucking great but uh yeah dude it rules it's uh it's it's like what is the alternative i would have a job yeah like the fuck right yeah you podcast, what, like two times a week? Uh-huh.

You're getting ad money on the regular podcast, and the Patreon is 40 grand a month? It's something crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's so insane. I make, like, we make, especially Nick, because he makes more money than us. It's like, that guy's rich as hell. I mean, I'm rich.

For Greektown, I'm basically, we have an armed guard stationed outside. Oh, I saw that. Because I'm the richest man in Greektown. Oh, dude, it's a beautiful turret out there. It's really nice. We have the gun turret. Really nice. Full of hero meat.

All those old ladies you thought were just walking by? Yeah. Undercovers, dude. Really? Yep. Damn, that is impressive, dude. Those are your many men. Your many, many men.

Yeah. Many, many, your many men. Dude, no, it's, yeah, you know, it's the old neighborhood. You got Monument Brewing down there. That's right. The Axe Place. Did you see that shit? I did.

It's weird. It's really weird. I do think Greektown is going to fucking, I actually am a believer in my home neighborhood. I think it's going to do well, mostly because of how racist people are and because no one wants, like, this neighborhood sucks dick and it's like the houses are little and shit. Yeah. And there's so many beautiful neighborhoods in Baltimore that are just the houses are like mansions. You go by Druid Hill Park and shit, but the problem is black people live there.

And so people that fucking only know Baltimore is like Fed Hill and Canton and shit like that, they're never going to move there. Yeah. Even though it's beautiful. I'm picturing you as a real estate agent. You're like, it's a lovely three bedroom, two bath. There are black people. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Full disclosure. I don't want you to get in there and think that there's not black people. There are black. We're working on it though. I talked to the seller. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're really trying to move as many old black people that have clung on to this neighborhood, despite the government's every attempt to get them out. We're going to finish them off. Don't worry. And if they love it, just imagine what you'll think. Again, let's take a look. So that's my real estate take. Because of gentrification happens so much quicker in white, poor white neighborhoods.

That's Hamden. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Hamden is the perfect example. I bought a house in Hamden. Yep. So I mean, homeowner to homeowner. That's right.

We get it. But no, it is. But let me be clear. I'm not racist because I grew up here. Yes. So it's by my mom. Yeah. I would, you know, but you if anyone else, the other people that will make this a good investment, they're the racist ones.

Sure. And I'm hoping they're not listening to this. Or actually, you know what? They don't care. Yeah. It's either white flight or cultural appropriation. You're either gentrifying or you're fleeing. That's right.

Luckily, I was born here and I get a pass. Yeah. That's how I feel about Astoria, too. Grandfathered in. Because I live in, because like comedians basically,, everyone talks about how bad gentrification is. But, like, all the comedians that move to the cheapest parts, they hunt deals that, like, would be so much better for a family in Bushwick. Right. Like, to, like, live in an affordable apartment.

It's like, oh, no, you're doing it so that you can slowly fail at comedy for eight years. Right. So you can, like like walk dogs and shit and spend two grand a month on rent exactly you're moving you're forcing some like afro latino family to move even deeper into brooklyn further away from hey bros these dogs aren't gonna walk themselves exactly yeah yeah so i but again i moved into queens astoria i displaced other greek people that's that's's the Greek town of... So I guess in a weird way, I'm advocating for sticking to where you grew up and to the races you grew up.

Yeah. And if you're going to fuck over a race, make it your own. Make it your own. Make it your own. I mean, you're interchangeable. Exactly. Exactly. You know?

No, I... Yeah, I have the house in Hamden. And it's really funny because it is just like grizzled white trash pretty much where their stoop was built around them. They were there before their stoop was, and they're like, all right, we'll just put it in the sted. Okay, all right, poor male. That's how they zoned out Hamden. They were like everybody that's in a fugue state off of just... Either on meth. Smoking parliaments.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last two meals you've had are parliaments. Yeah. Some type of Royal Farms is in you for sure. Oh, yeah. The deep cuts.

Those are the people that really know the Royal Farms menu. It's like anyone gets fried chicken from Royal Farms. These motherfuckers are getting the Italian

cold cut from Royal Farms. For breakfast. For are getting the Italian cold cut from Royal Farms. For breakfast. For breakfast. Which, by the way, hand up, I have done before. Sure. That used to be one of my moves. You're a man of the people. Because I had gotten so into Royal Farms.

Ro-fo, baby. Ro-fo, yeah. There was a part of my life, the deep, like, when I was working as a, I worked in a law office. I was a fucking – what the fuck is that? Paralegal for a while. And I had to work like a full-time job and I had to like leave my house at 6, work until 5. Sometimes I'd drive home and like just eat at my – I lived with my parents.

I would just shovel food and then like go to fucking D.C. So there was like a point in my life where I was so busy that it's like I did a lot of gas station meals. Right. It's like you're on the road or you drive to DC every night. Especially if you're from Baltimore to DC. It's a lot of like Taco Bell, whatever you can get. Totally. And there was a Royal Farms when I really was feeling like time to treat myself.

Not to like, you know, anyone can have regular fast food, but when it's really time to have a home cooked meal of fried chicken, Western fries. Home cooked. home-cooked meal of fried chicken, western fries. Home-cooked. I would also throw in, when I really wanted to treat myself, a small, I think it was eight inches at the time, whatever the smallest full sub I could get was a small Italian cold cut on the side.

When sandwiches start to become your side dish, you're looking at a real nutritional issue. And that's the treat. yeah i really want to take care of myself yeah and daddy earned it and i would just feel horrific sure and then but you know but while you're eating it you're like this is great yeah i'm living it up yeah um yeah so hamden is uh yeah there was actually just a string of, like, somebody went on a spree, basically, on Saturday from, like, 2 a.m. to, like, 7 p.m.

Just dudes just walking around with a gun and, like, holding people up on the street. That long? You said 2 a.m. to 7 p.m.? Yeah. Wow. Like, on Saturday, they did, like, it was, like, nine just basically walking around at gunpoint robbing people. In Hamden. In Hamden.

And no one, like, called the, like, what happened? They did. So, I think they kept, like, Hamden. And no one called the... They did. So I think they kept getting away. And then I think Sunday they got them. I don't know. But it just shows you how... Respect to the BPD. Yeah, because they don't really come to Hamden that often.

And they're like, ah, let them do their meth. They're fine. Right, right, right. And yeah, it just shows you how vulnerable it is. Like, oh, we're in the city, but it's okay. And then dudes show up with guns, and they're there's like give me all your shit and you're like an enterprising criminal it's crazy to me that it took this long for them to start it's not that

far away dude i was like a terrified white yuppie i'm like they cracked the code we're done for um yeah people are saying like oh i don't know it seemed like what the vibe i'm getting from far away and i don't know if this is just like three people that i are like panicking but it's like that shit's getting wild in baltimore like people get robbed more and shit and like yeah i don't i don't know like packs of roving teenagers are fucking people up i was worried about that last word after roving worried cue that mel word after Roving. Worried. Cue that Mel Gibson clip.

He's breathing all hard. I love it in that tape too when she says something and he's like on a tirade and then like she kind of speaks over him and he's like, what? He just couldn't hear. What? Yeah, no. So it's been, been yeah hamden's been pretty good but it's definitely been like even before all that like you just don't be dumb in a city of like go to the atm at night how dare you like yeah you need cash bitch sorry yeah no yeah i had a friend that was doing that and uh he went outside of frazier's which is like very

like local like kind of townie pub and went to the atm across the street and a dude was like hey uh don't do that like i'm not gonna do it but people will fuck you up you know and he's like oh yeah you're right yeah yeah how dare i try and get access to my money after hours don't do that get out of here like you were describing bal describing Baltimore like it's the fucking Old West. It's like after sundown. You know what I mean? It's like. Yeah, get in the house.

The bandits will get you. Exactly. Stay in the saloon or don't leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, dude, I'm definitely like a gentrifying force there. Good for you. Hey, think about Greektown, man. I know. You know what I'm man i know i mean it's really weird

but it's like it's right off the highway yeah just shoot in and out you know what i'm saying it's pretty nice we got some nice restaurants and whatnot hamden is nice i do fuck with hamden but it is fun so yeah there is like the grizzled kind of white trash so there's a bar right across the street from me which uh is like a very townie bar like nice opens at 10 a.m there's a bar right across the street from me, which is like a very townie bar. Nice. Opens at 10 a.m. There's dudes outside at like 945. Let's go.

That's right. Open it up on a Tuesday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll cash unemployment checks directly here. You can trade unemployment checks for Natty Bo Tall Boys right here. And Utz Barbecue Chips, baby. Yeah. But I extended the deck that I have on my house.

And they dropped all the wood off on the side of the house because they couldn't get in the alley. So I had to go pick it all up and bring it around back. And a woman that was. Pinched a couple two by fours off you? Yeah. Yeah. Let me wet my feet on that. Yeah, this is good wood.

Yeah. You can't leave this shit out you don't need all that you don't need all that they've been pretty nice but uh a bartender she comes out and she's smoking a cigarette and just like older woman might be 50 might be 70 you know that kind of like no no the age range is 30 to 70 like you don't straight up yeah it's like they have the short haircut yeah yeah once you start with the fucking the pixie that just becomes like the fucking relief picture haircut totally that's and they've had the mask on and their hair is like yeah bent back but uh so she's like looking at me like grab all this wood and i was like hey how you? And she just takes a drag off a cigarette. She goes, I'm fine. And I was like, okay.

And that was it. I was like, ah. She was totally looking at me like, fuck you, you young piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You own a home. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. You're doing construction to your home.

Yeah, exactly. You have more. You already own a home. You're making more home for you to own. Yeah, and we can all see you. Right, right, right. We see you doing it. Right, right, right. We see you doing it. Right, right, right.

But most of them are pretty nice, man. I was doing some yard work on the side of the house and more yuppie shit, of course. Of course, yeah. Just doing some yard work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got on a jog and I was like, I'm already sweaty. Making a gravel path. Yeah, exactly.

To your fire pit. To have a fire pit. Of course. I love it. Yeah. Fucking rules. Dude, I'm have a fire pit. Of course. I love it. Fucking rules. Dude, I'm such a yuppie. It's crazy.

I'm like, it's nice though, man. Dude, I was going to go to Comptown. I bought a ticket and everything. And then me and my girl made dinner, had sex, and watched Handmaid's Tale. And I was like, this is a perfect night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, fuck Comptown. That is a perfect night. You have dinner.

You fuck your girlfriend. And then you're like, you watch the show. Because if you keep fucking mouthing off, this is what your fucking future is. Conversely, though. Tell your girls. Yeah. Spread the word. Conversely, though, trying to make a move while the show's on, almost impossible.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just raped that pregnant chick. Yeah, yeah. You gotta fuck before. Well, I guess we should. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, before. Well, I guess we should. Yeah. You know, what do you think?

No? All right. Just going to bed. But I was trimming some shit on the side of the house. And this dude comes over, ponytail, beer gut, smoking a cigarette. He goes, man, that looks like a seven o'clock job not a three o'clock job and i was like all right i was like yeah man like i you know i got the day off i went for a run and i was already i was like fuck it i'll just do it he's saying i hear you

ashes into his belly button saving that for later uh it just goes into your body your body can just use it for nutrients i recycle man yeah dummies ash on the ground yeah you understand uh but he was uh throws his can into a creek it goes directly into the chesapeake bay that's why they let you know goes in the bay that's the one you throw it into so yeah he's like i'm going down to shore later and he just puts a cooler full of beers like i don't feel like carrying these all the way in my car you know what i'm gonna catch up to those later and if i don't find them you know it's like let them go you know if you really love it i'll come back to you all right i gotta go do math bye okay see you bye but uh i was like and so he was just kind of standing there.

Nice, dude. And I was like, yeah, my girl's always like, you know, somebody has to cut this. And he's like, tell me about it, man. Who's that somebody going to be? Going to be you, man. I was like, right? So he's like, me being like a yuppie with my ear pods in. I was like, women, right?

He's like, hell yeah, man. The one thing that will forever bond all men is a hatred hatred of women it's a fundamental hatred of the opposite sex drag he's like handmaid's tale is pretty good huh yeah nice blueprint you know i'm talking about not bad not bad but uh dude yeah it's been great it's so funny to own a home in baltimore the people i was competing with um to get my house for people in dc because they see they see the houses up here and like a house that would be like 250 grand 300 grand it's like 800 grand in dc you know so like fuck it i'll make the commute of course so i was trying to do bits about it like yeah i just bought a house and

anytime i just bought a house in baltimore and dc crowds are like so like can anybody do that yeah don't they give them out for free yeah exactly if you eat enough crab cakes don't you get a house isn't that how it works yeah if somebody catches you looking at a vacant they're like ah you own it that's yours they're like ah now ah fuck you owe back taxes ah all right fine but dude yeah i imagine coming back from new york like to baltimore it must seem like so quaint or you're just like look at this little town yeah dude and just to even have stairs is create your own stairs it's like that's been annoying for me because i got the fucking i got my fucking foot all fucked up yeah whenever i have to take a fat deuce sure you know uhuce, I'm hobbling over the stairs.

How close are you to getting a bedpan? Like a nice jewel-encrusted bedpan. Now, Josh, let me say this. Is there or has there been a bottle pissed into during this visit into Baltimore? Really? I can't say. But the odds are pretty good.

Allegedly. If you were to bet money, I would suggest over-under bottles piston. If the over-under is.5, take the over. Oh, buddy, sure. If it was three, I'm going with the over. Absolutely. No shade there. No shade.

I get it. I get it, man. Thank you so much. Yeah, what's up with your foot? You got a sports injury. I did, shade. I get it. I get it, man. Thank you so much. Yeah, what's up with your foot? What are you... So you got a sports injury. I did, yeah. Of course.

I was injured at the first annual Skank Fest Podcasters Basketball Tournament. Sure. I ruptured... Just a bunch of out-of-shape comedians. It sucked, man. Let's do a challenge. A physical challenge. Yeah, and Nick and Adam didn't even fucking show up.

It was such an error. And it's completely fucked my life up. This has been one of the worst months of my life. Because I've just been like, because you can't just do shit. Your foot is just fucked up. You can't leave your home. And it's a soft tissue injury. So it's like, if you re-injure it, you could start the whole shit all over again.

Jesus. Luckily, for the most part part i'm out of the woods it seems like yeah um but yeah i just fucking ripped a tendon in the bottom of my foot oh sucks so yeah there's no like can you wear a cast for that or a walking boot that helps a lot yeah but so now it's gotten to the point where i can i can walk around a little bit right um so like i'm going to charlottesville tomorrow i have a gig and um i uh that's the follow-up rally right yes yes yeah yeah just checking in just tying up loose end week later yeah you know yeah rally yeah yeah um and so you know it's my first solo excursion

um i've always but i think i'm ready for it like you know what it's my first solo excursion. I've always, but I think I'm ready for it. Like, you know. What do you mean? Like traveling by yourself? Like just traveling by myself. It's like three hours away from here. You're going to drive? I'm going to drive.

Yeah. Which foot is it? It's my left foot. So I can drive. I drove down here from New York. Right. Just to kind of, you know, do a little trial round. Sure.

Sure. But yeah, it's fucks dick though it's gonna take me probably it's been four four and a half weeks already damn actually now it's been five it's gonna be five weeks tomorrow and it's probably gonna take another four until i'm like really back to normal no shit like a nine week injury yeah sucked thank god i didn't have to like i had to cancel some things but i remember looking at my calendar in aug and being like, damn, I'm a fucking idiot. I didn't book anything, like anything major. I had to cancel spots in the city and shit.

But thank God I didn't because it's like I had to just be in my house. And that sucks dick. And it's like you think you're going to do. You're like, you know what? I can fucking read. I did do my website. I did a couple little things. Right, right.

But like you're like, I'm going to write every fucking day. I have time. I haven't read in so long. I'm going to read. I didn't do shit. I'm going to sleep. Yeah, I didn't do. I did absolutely nothing.

I wanted to fast forward every day. The only way, it's like when you're in your house all day, there's no difference between night and day. No. And the depression sets in pretty quick. Incredibly quick. When you're wishing for sleep in the morning, you're like, I would love to go back to bed. Dog, if I could have fast forwarded. I mean, now I feel like I'm at the point where I would have fast forwarded too because it's like I have these, you know, the live show is a lot of fun.

And I have these gigs coming up that I really want to do. But, like, if you could have taken me from the fucking Friday of Skankfest to Sunday. And it's just like, I have no memory of it. That part of my life is gone. You would have missed anything. I would have traded it quick. You have no idea how quickly I would have traded it. Because you were kind of on, like, a house arrest, basically.

It sucked, dude. But, like, it's also a really good one too where you're taking mushrooms i mean i was fucked up but still it it sucks just being limited yeah and like knowing it like any like i remember uh even just like having braces and shit i was like fucking sucks can't fucking eat yeah i'm not as good at it like i, I can't follow my passion, though. Right, right, right. You know? Can't eat ass.

Can't eat pussy. And I did. I didn't tell my orthodontist. Right, right. Like, no candy apples. No eating ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No popcorn.

Yeah. I put all three in an ass. Is this clit skin stuck under the top of your fucking braces here, Josh? No. No? No. It's a candy apple. He's frantically picking it out.

I have to go. It's it out. I have to go. It's bubble gum. I have to go. Yeah. Have you been eating ass, Joshua? You can be honest. Okay. Corrode.

It corrodes the aluminum. Let me show you the teeth of somebody with braces. I was eating ass the whole time. You know, they try to like scare you and shit. Yeah, man. That's and it sucks because it's not a bone like like you're saying it's a very like cast and fucking heels like yeah it's and it's like oh man i literally just luckily sunday was the first day where i could even put a little pressure on it so but it's been

like i said four it took four weeks to get to that point do you have one of those little scooter things that people have i was using a i was using a rolly chair in my home. Is that a wheelchair? No, no, no. A nice little rolly chair. Like an office chair. Yeah, my roommate's office chair turned in. I basically used it as my left foot.

And you're living with Ryan Shutt, right? I live with Ryan Shutt. I live with a couple other guys, too. It's a big apartment. But my childhood friend, Eldest, I've commandeered his rolling chair. And that thing has seen some horrors. I was going to say, I would let you keep it after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, ah, that's yours, buddy. Yeah, but fuck Eldest. He can suck my dick. Yeah. How long have you known him? Literally in preschool we met. Jesus. Yeah. So what does he do in new york he were just like hey move with me he's like all right no no he moved for me you know when it's

like if you're just a pudgy asshole with a beard brooklyn moving to brooklyn is like your eat pray love you know what i mean it's like that's your mecca exactly it really is that's where you get the most but that's he's a he's a tall bearded chubby guy it's like in brooklyn if you listen if you're listening to this and you're a fucking loser in your hometown with a beard and shit like that and you hang out at the alternative fucking you know rate you know whatever bookstore or whatever yeah yeah the local uh coffee spot yeah move to brooklyn you will get so much undeserved pussy straight up yeah yeah i'm just picturing like some schlubby guys like you know what i am gonna move yeah i'm gonna do it and you know

when it really helps and even if you don't get that much pussy in brooklyn when you come back yeah if you just have that fucking bed stye address the the low the local hoes will be flocking to those nuts yeah because that's a funny thing, too, about moving to L.A. or moving to New York. Anybody can do that shit. And then when you come back, they're like, yeah, I mean, I'm in New York now. And they're like, wow.

And you could be a dog walker that's scraping by. You do have the worst life. Everyone has a horrible life. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like, wow, New York, I're really going for it i remember that shit i remember when i i feel so stupid now about how much i used to think that was cool because i did everyone does i can't help it because there are cool cities but it's like yeah no they're fucking losers that pay more rent than you yeah you also

realize like oh like even like the comedy scene like you assume that every comedian in new york is like the shit and they're like oh that every comedian in New York is like the shit. And they're like, oh, they're seen just like everywhere else. No, New York, everything in New York is like this where it's like it has the best of everything. Right. It's like the absolute best. The top, whatever you want, music, arts, food. But then it also has so much of the worst of all of it.

Yeah. It's like how pizza is where it's like you get new york it's like there's like five places that it's like such good pizza right and then a lot of just mediocre shit and then so much garbage yeah there's also the dollar slice on the corner exactly most of the comedy is dollar slice comedy you know what i mean like that's how it is yeah dollar slice comedy is a good name for a comedy show um but yeah like uh realizing basically it's like oh this is no different it's just bigger i mean it's gonna be harder but it's like the same scene harder and bigger much like my penis compared to yours josh right well yeah you didn't let me finish that's

what i was gonna get at yeah old big dick stavros over here which is weird that you are podcasting naked fully nude but i mean i don't know sign of dominance yeah you've made it because here's the thing physically right now you could take me because of my foot but i want you to know yeah i have a i'm fully wrecked i've been fully wrecked this whole podcast it's been incredible i will stay fully yeah you've been moving stuff with it that's right the microphones i've wrapped my cable around it it's like a snake. It just keeps getting bigger. It's going to wrap around me like a boa. It's testing you right now. It's sizing you up.

It's not suffocating me, but every time I inhale, it gets a little tighter. I would get it off now while you still can. Sure. I'm enjoying it. I'm in Greektown. I don't want to be rude rude I don't know if this is What you people do

This is how you people It is part of our culture Swallowing Small yuppies hole With our cocks No But I was gonna finish The basement

I was gonna put exposed brick In my living room There's still brick to expose And you better believe I tried to do that. I cut into that wall. And I was like, ah, it's a little fucked up behind there. I got a couple drops. I mean, I want to take care of this.

I got drop settings downstairs I want to get rid of. Right, right, right. I got shit like that, baby. Yeah. Dude, it's. Homeowner to homeowner. Dude, I can't. There's projects in here, partner.

Real estate taxes? Come on. Forget about it, huh? I'm thinking about adding another bath. Because there's no bathroom on the second floor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, wherever your water pipes are, that would be the easiest spot. Nice.

Thanks. See, this is good stuff, man. I mean, and I'm really just quoting my dad, basically. I don't know anything. He's like a real man. Right. Currently is building a kit car lamborghini respect and like basically built the deck by himself it was like me umar and like a couple friends of course

and like literally like umar is like we're out of uh we're out of nails and then uh and then my dad's like we never had nails we're like what but there? But there was... He's like, guys, those are screws. And we're like, oh. Just basic shit. Yeah. So that's my dad. And then me, I'm like, I have feelings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm an artist.

For sure. So I'm so lucky to have him around for house shit and stuff. Tell him to come through here, dude. Yeah, he would clean up. Fucking hell. Put you... Make you a little stand for that TV over there. That's right.

We could use it. Yeah. So you were saying, too, that you did more research on the TV than you did the house. Yeah, like, I just, like, you know, I just fucking, I'm so stupid that it's like, so, like, we made a little money on

it's like, I wanted to invest. I knew if I just had money, I was gonna just waste it. Well, yeah. And so I was like, let me fucking... That's a part of in the beginning so you're like i am gonna get a playstation 4 or i am gonna get like all the food don't get me wrong yes i am still gonna continue to do all of that and i will not be responsible with my money sure and this house is in real jeopardy however anything i have as a

podcast this house is in real jeopardy however right, I also was just like, I'm so dumb that I just don't understand stocks. I just don't. I don't trust it in a real villager way. I really don't trust rich people telling me what to do with my money. I'm too stupid for that. And it's like, oh, so I'm just going to give some financial advisor all the money I have. He gets a cut of it. And it's like, here you go, some guy i don't fucking know and there's my life savings well also too

like say you'd uh invest a thousand if you have a manager like that they're like okay well off the top that's gonna be 850 now right and you're like what well at least i found a good guy who like he's worked with comedians and it's like this guy's basically betting he takes on a bunch of comics and he's basically playing the odds that three of these guys would become rich as fuck, and I'll make a ton of money off them. Right. So he wasn't even willing to work with me, but even that, I was like, give him all my money, or just buy a house that I see, I can look at with my dumb brain.

Yes. I know it exists. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck a stock is. Nope. And also, I just don't trust this shit's going gonna fucking do well like what if there's a crash well i mean if it depends if we're in a bullish or bear right i don't know what that means yeah you know what i mean yeah so it's like that norm mcdonald bit he's like he's like uh like the nasdaq's down he's like uh i hate when the

nasdaq is down exactly i have no fucking clue what the fuck that means i don't know what that affects yeah did that mean someone just sold less toilets like what what does that even mean yeah no you do know you're a natural the toilets are plummeting dude the toilet bubble so i was just like fuck it i'm just gonna and so i was like and and we were i was looking for a house in g Greektown. My little brothers live here. Yeah. No, I think that's so cool.

Yeah. It's like a family thing, too. For sure. To be like, I have a podcast called Come Town, and I bought a house for my family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking great. But yeah, it was basically like once I found a house, it was like my little brother's got a dog. We wanted like a little outdoor space.

We wanted this. And we're going to turn that. My brother's a trainer, personal trainer. Nicoico strength if you motherfuckers want to get ripped see your brother is a personal trainer yeah yeah wow hilarious right yeah uh he's more he i mean he's a coach like he works for a private facility works with athletes he works with he'll personal train too but yeah um so he's gonna turn the basement into into a real deal gym. Nice. So we wanted an unfinished basement, which actually is cheap. So we found a house that was basically what we wanted.

And I knew a guy who was a real estate agent that I trusted. And I was like, just tell me what to do. I don't want to know what it is. And I really legitimately trust this guy. And he's like, excuse my erection. I'm just very excited to take advantage of you. Literally has dollar sign eyes. So it's like, I mean, as far as I really know,

he could technically own the house. I don't really know what's going on. Well, that's a funny thing, too. You buy a house, like, congratulations. Like, no, no, no, Wells Fargo owns a house. You know, like, I don't. I have $200,000 of debt. Right, I have debt. But so once we found it, I was like, yeah, I'll just...

Every email I got, I would do, but I wouldn't really read. I would sign everything. It's a lot of fucking documents. Like taxes and all that shit. I'm not trying to learn all that shit, Joshy, baby. Now, when it comes to a fucking TV that I watch every day, and the image quality is big. Oh, buddy, yeah.

What, I'm not gonna go into these forums? I'm not gonna fucking check out multiple review sites? Yeah, you think I'm not going to CNET and see what's going on? Wirecutter? Hello? Buddy, yeah. Hello? You're looking at that shit. You're like, alright, yeah. Vizio, good.

Not amazing, pretty dang good. But also like, I couldn't go smaller than 70, dude. You couldn't? And this is the, this is, this is like, couldn't go smaller than 70 dude you couldn't and uh this is the this is this is like uh i found this motherfucker on sale you know what i mean like i'm really excited looks great it's beautiful looks great and honestly the picture's good and the sound quality is better than i thought i thought we're gonna have to get like a little whole sound system going yeah which we will eventually but honestly maybe not even a whole sound system i just need one of those bars true you know i'm thinking about getting one of those two bar might do the damn trick brother i'm gonna

get a vizio bar dude you know what i'm gonna do some research on the best bars you know what hit me up let me know let me know what's up yeah isn't that great you could still be like once you have some disposable income you can be a piece of shit but also a yuppie at the same time like you're like i am gonna get the eight dollar beer and I am going to get a fucking sound bar. You know what I mean? Well, that's the best part of my life, is whenever I want something, I just get it. I don't think about it.

I just get it. That's going to be an issue, but I don't give a fuck. It's a very freeing feeling. Me and Umar have talked about it ad nauseum on this. Basically freeing feeling like i yeah me and umar have talked about it like ad nauseum on this just basically the podcast now it's just me and umar talking about being yuppies and then complaining about service at local places like we're just real pieces but yeah like podcast is terrible now um but uh yeah like being able to go to the grocery store and just be like okay i don't care

like whatever it is you're like that's great but then every once in a while like something will just stick yeah i'm like i am not paying 7.99 for that is true one episode of fucking this is i did this literally yesterday yeah where it's like i really wanted to watch. Me and my brothers got stoned as shit. And we wanted to watch the Ric Flair documentary. I had already seen it. Okay. It's great. I haven't seen it. 30 for 30.

It's so good. Yeah. And the single episode cost like $6.99. And the whole season was like $30. And I was like, I mean. The smarter deal. I'm not paying $6.99 for one episode so i'm like i'm gonna get them i'm gonna show them yeah i'm buying the whole fucking season yeah you know

i did that shit too like honestly though i looked at the season 4 30 30 a lot of good stuff i don't i mean even a quote-unquote bad 30 for 30 isn't bad not they're all interesting not bad at all yeah i mean it's and it's some shit you never thought you would care about. You're like, do you know what Jack Nicklaus did in 1995? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's shit that you wouldn't care about. But if it's done dramatically, you're like, great. I'm all in.

This is great. The Bill Belichick, Bill Parcells one autoplayed after it. Ooh. And I'd seen that one, too. Strong, though. I sat in. Sure. I sat in.

Sure. I let Bill Belichick tuck me into sleep. I mean, you spent that 30 dollars i slept in i slept i slept in the warm embrace i imagined sleeping inside of bill parcells fupa oh you know what i mean getting tucked into those folds did you oh okay yeah i was picturing uh who's the other guy is it belichick belichick he's got the cut off sleeves on the sweatshirt yes yes but parcells that's the tuna they call him the big tuna the cutoff sleeves on the sweatshirt. Yes, yes. But Parcells, that's the tuna. They call him the tuna. The big tuna.

The tuna. Who, by the way, apparently, I don't remember what this was on. Is a Comptown fan. Yeah, he loves Comptown. An 80-year-old football guy who looks like a fucking melting fucking potato. By the way, very small penis. Yeah? Yeah.

The tuna? The tuna's got, they used to call him clit dick in the giants locker room because why he would walk around with his dick out and it was little as fuck when he was coaching i guess when he was coaching he would hit the sauna or some shit respect to a man who doesn't care he's got a little ass dick which by the way i am approaching i mean i think i'm i think a lot of people Would see me as there Sure Because of how openly I will talk about My little penis

Yeah But I'm still I still think there's some Acceptance work to be done I think so You know There's still some stigma Unfortunately

Yeah yeah yeah And I'm on the forefront of that People aren't as progressive As we would like Absolutely Especially with little dicks Body positivity is the final Little penis

Sure Is the final frontier Of body positivity. And are you going to take that on Instagram? I think, yeah. I'm going to start doing shadows of my cock. Because you still can't show cock on Instagram. Shadows of my cock.

But I'll do shadows of my little ass dick. I mean, to be fair, I've put it out there for people. It's probably, yeah. It's pretty inferred. You can trace it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a couple Speedo pics when I was in Greece. Sure.

When I was living life lavishly. Uh-huh. You can see the outline of my hog. Okay. Yeah. There's actually, I think, and I don't want to, maybe I shouldn't talk about this. Also, I like that it's still a hog, even though it's a little ass dick. Oh, it's a little oinker. It's not a piglet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See my hog. No, dude, it's a little hog. There's hogs of all sizes. Sure. You know? Sorry, I sounded very rude. Spirit, yeah, yeah. See my hog? No, dude, it's a little hog. There's hogs of all sizes. Sure. Sorry, I sounded very rude. Spirit, exactly, man. Check your privilege.

Check your big, big privilege. Yeah, regular. Yeah, probably. I mean, I wouldn't say it's big. I don't know. I mean, you know. Maybe upper echelon of regular, maybe? No, I mean, I'm decent, but I wouldn't say big.

Okay, okay. Well, respect, whatever it is. Yeah, exactly. You're free to say however big your dick is. I think it's pretty average, I would assume. Congrats. I've never heard anybody complain. Nobody's ever been like,

wow. Or ouch. Yeah, yeah, no ouches. I've gotten no ouches other than them hitting their head on the headboard or something like that. That's the only ouch I've ever gotten in my room. Right. There's never been, yeah, there's never been like, ah.

I've never gotten that. Easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Too much. You're like, ah, sorry, baby. Yeah, never too much. I have gotten. Watch your hog.

One time I got probably the worst thing I've ever heard. Well, there was one girl who pretended my dick was big, and that was just. That's worse. I couldn't stand that. That's worse. Because it was patronizing. Sure. And it was like, I know pretended my dick was big, and that was just... That's worse. I couldn't stand that. That's worse. Because it was patronizing. Sure. And it was like, I know what my dick is like.

Also, don't lie to me. 100%. On a more low key, like, you're hurting my feelings. You're hurting my feelings. You're breaking the trust. Breaking the trust. That we have after two Tinder dates. In this very intimate moment.

Yes, yes. You're breaking my trust now in the lowest I've ever felt in my life. Yeah. That was the worst, too. I bought you mozzarella sticks, and this is what you're going to do to me? Yeah. We went halfsies on apps at the Astoria Pub. And you do this to me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me? Unbelievable. I watched Limp Sync Battle with you. I watched two episodes of Limp Sync Battle. I laughed at Nick Cannon for you. Yeah, yeah. I pretended the show doesn't suck dick and make me feel horrible.

That was honestly one of the worst nights of my life. Lip sync battle. I just moved to New York. Going through a breakup the whole night. I just matched with this woman I'm not even attracted to. I just wanted to talk to a woman. Yeah. And I'm just like, I don't know, man.

It sucked. I was faking it being a good date because I wanted it to be a good date. We just wanted a connection. I couldn't even stay hard. I wasn't into it at all. It was brutal. She would suck me off and then I'd be like, okay, all right, I can do this. Then we'd start fucking and I'd be like, I don't want to do this.

It was a brutal evening. She's like, I'm sorry, what'd you say? Then she fake gagged. I'm like, that's never going to be an issue. Unless you have the world's shallowest throat. Now, do you think it might have been a smell thing? No, I was freshly. I thought about that.

Yeah, something under my nuts. There was a fan coming between my nuts and just wafting something to her. But no, no, I was freshly show showered uh-huh clean so it's like oh jesus clean that would be a good way to take it though it's like bitches yeah i'm gonna start putting little blue cheese crumbles under my foreskin just a little bit not too much you don't want them to think it's blue cheese like jesus christ smells kind of like blue cheese we're like jesus christ smells kind of like blue cheese what the fuck um but uh yeah i uh going back to just like being a dummy like when buying a house well the other day so you know those little ads on youtube like before you go to watch a video it's like you have to watch like a little yeah of course there's one of a guy at his desk just like an older guy in like an

ill-fitting suit and he's like uh health and wellness is very important you know like more today now than ever and i want to show you the secrets of it for instance people think that tomatoes are good and they're not and i'll show you why and i was just like damn like you're hooked 85 of me knows he's full of shit but 15 is like you know what's up with tomatoes like i'm a fucking motherfucker yeah and it's just some asshole that paid for ad space on youtube it's like buy my book and i'm like man did you watch the ad i watch more than i should like the skip ad button was there for a while and i didn't press it and then eventually it's like all right this is fucking bullshit but

there is a piece of me like the next day i was making a blue apron because again very yuppie piece of shit yeah you've gone full you've gone i'm all the way yeah yeah and uh and it had tomatoes and i was like i don't know if i'm gonna eat these yeah that that weirdo on youtube yeah babe i care about you too much to buy you pizza yeah exactly yeah i'll still eat pizza yeah come on what am i gonna do not eat so you kicked umar out of here. You evicted Umar recently. Yeah, I was his landlord. Nice. So that was like a running joke, like doing his room.

He's like, all right, give it up for my roommate, Josh. I'm like, whoa, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Landlord. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trash is on Thursday, bro.

Get on it. Yeah. You just start slowly remodeling his room. You just start moving in. Yeah, just measuring. Yeah,eling his room you just start moving in yeah just measuring yeah yeah start moving in a bench press turn into a gym yeah hanging up curtains that just have dicks all over them i think they look nice but you're like catholic symbols all around the room um stuff yeah yeah india number one Fuck Pakistan. Big foam number one finger. Where did you even get that?

Oh, I got it made. Yeah. Cost me $400. It's worth it. Worth it. But no, so he started dating a Karen. Oh. And then, yeah, you know, it just got weird.

Two Karens getting dicked down under the same roof. Yeah. You can't have that. How did you know the name of our pilot? That's so crazy. It's going to be on CBS this fall fall this fall two carrots one roof getting mediocre penis one a little darker than the other and a little smaller probably the same size probably i'm gonna say umar is a hair under your dick i would say umar feels like he's got a little dick to me. I bet we probably have a similar dick.

We're like similar build. I think his is just a little less long and a little skinnier. That would be my guess. It's funny that you say the hair thing, too. He's probably got a lot of hair down there for sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Very, very.

A lot of thick brush to get through. Yeah, exactly. Before you're rewarded with that little tootsie pop. Yeah. Taking a machete through it like you're in the jungle. But, no, I mean, yeah yeah it was no bad blood or anything it was just and then so my karen moved in and then she got a job in baltimore so it was just like a lot of overlapping like the shit in the morning where you like go to shower and then you hear the shower start and you're like ah yeah yeah but he was cool with it too he's like dude anytime, dude, anytime. I know. Tell me to get the fuck out.

I wonder what his life's up to. Let's call Umar. He's in Puerto Rico right now. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I wanted to have him on this one, but. Fucking bitch. Fuck Umar. Yeah.

I mean, that said. Fuck Umar. And fuck you, too, for going to New Jersey. I was going to try to get both you guys to do that gig. Oh, I know. I really want to do that with you. Yeah, we planned like an annual trip to New Jersey. And everybody's like, why?

What the fuck? But my buddy grew up in Rumson, New Jersey, which speaking of like white neighborhoods, is some like creme de la creme white people for sure. Like massive houses, cupcake shops that are really nice and shit. They're just gentrifying just out of boredom. It's already nice and it's just like

white people just making it. Yeah, it's like the upper echelon. You and I are trash up there for sure. Oh, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love going to those neighborhoods because I'm like, you know what I mean?

It's like, yeah, there is, I just love feeling like the trash that I am. You know what I mean? And being cool with it. I love not being in that world. Like, I love that I didn't grow up in that world. Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah.

It seems nice but horrible at the same time. So my buddy,'s uh whose house we go to i think i don't think he is uh his family was not like rich per se but they're like in that yeah community so i think by the way no no no i think i think it was uh like the people that are rich would think that they're trash you know okay interesting um the black sheep of that neighborhood. Yes. Very white people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, it's like right outside of Red Bank, and it's like a really nice part of New Jersey. Is it like by the beach or anything? Yeah, yeah. It's by the beach, so that's why we go.

I was going to say. Yeah, we don't go just to hang out in a neighborhood. For a second, I thought you were just like going to some fucking cul-de-sac in Jersey. Yeah, just like a very,. Every house looks the same. Like, no, it's a lot of fun. We get racer scooters and just scoot around. No, yeah, it's right by the beach,

so we do that and then like grill and take mushrooms and shit. It's a good time. Yeah, dude, it's a good time. But yeah, like Bruce Springsteen's house is around there and shit. We took rocks out of his driveway once.

Hell yeah. It was fun. Got the boss's rocks. Yeah, just picture him looking at it. Boss rocks. He's like, kids are taking my damn rocks again. Gotta go was fun. Got the boss's rocks. I just picture him looking at it. Boss rocks. He's like, kids are taking my damn rocks again.

Gotta go on tour. Get more money for rocks. Yeah. I don't even know why I brought that up. Oh yeah, because that's why I can't do that gig.

So are you doing it solo? Yeah, I'll probably just go down solo. Nice. I mean, I'm having other people, Chris Allen,

who is, I guess, does he live in Charlottesville? I don't know. I know he's in Virginia, but yeah, yeah. And then, Sir Rome Russell's funny as shit. Oh dude, sarom's so funny so good he's fucking hilarious

dude yeah um yeah man so this has been uh this has been fucking great i've been uh it's been awesome to see you guys like blow up and shit like yeah it's cool i mean like my friend mike he listens to uh the pipe cast with you and adam wow i don't even listen to that shit. I don't care. I can't believe anyone listens to that. But I love it. I just like talking basketball. But I love... I want to get a sports job somewhere, dude. I worked on a sports show at MSG

and it was so much fun. Oh, right, right. That was Sam Morrell. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, just a way to fucking talk sports with the boys. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Say who fucks the best. Sure.

I mean, that's what it's about. Yeah, of course. You're like, is LeBron better than Michael Jordan? Yeah. Does he fuck better, though? That's what's really important. I just somehow, my stomach tried to call 911. And I don't know how. i had to stop the emergency call

and like my phone was rumbling and i was like what the fuck is going on that's not the weirdest metaphor you're still yeah i did eat a piece of pizza that was out overnight maybe it's doing maybe it's it just lurches forward me like your belly button becomes an outie just for a second it's like just just touch it yeah we need this good christ but dude yeah it's been uh it's been great to see you guys like fucking blow up it's been yeah man and just for like the weirdest thing i mean it's a fucking hilarious podcast and and then like converted into like doing stand up and shit. Like being like, hey, I'll be in Seattle. Yeah, that's the crazy thing is like that's what I care about.

Like it's so funny because like none of us, I mean, the podcast is fun, but it's like. Yeah. Just a dumb thing we do. Wasn't the goal to be podcasters. Yeah. But, you know, it's fun. It's a good show. And yeah, it's fucking great.

I just it's so weird, though, because it's like I remember I would listen to, like, what's his face? Like, Donnell Rawlings, right? Yeah, who is so funny. He's really funny. But I remember listening to Marc Maron. I think when I was working before my paralegal days, I had a lot of shitty jobs while doing stand-up. I remember listening to him on Marc Maron and being like, y'all you know he's like listen i know you guys liked ashy larry but like if you like that you're gonna love my stand-up and i remember being like shut up ashy larry

i'm like i'm sure you're a good stand-up but it's like you were a part of like chapelle shows like whatever and it's like i know i just i'm cognizant of that of being like yeah dude my stand-up's better but it's like i do think my stand-up's better so and it should be yeah yeah yeah like if the stuff that you were working at for years isn't as good as like you riffing right with your buddies like with no plans right right right that's bad but it is funny because a lot of people just like podcasts more than stand-up like that's a wild thing to me that's crazy because i love stand-up but it's funny because a lot of people just like podcasts more than stand-up like that's a wild thing to me that's crazy me because i love stand-up but it's like yeah most people don't give

a fuck about stand-up but yeah like yeah if you like had something like on the internet it was like hey watch this here they'd be like all right i'll check it out yeah but if the podcast misses a day they're like what the fuck right right where is that shit right right yeah because it's something people just do on their own time, too. Yeah. And, like, look forward to that shit. And, yeah, man. Fuck, I forget what I was going to say now.

But, no, it's fucking great that it's, like, killing. Yeah, yeah. We'll take it. Got the house. Yep. What was your experience getting a home inspection and all that shit? Like, that shit that you have. Were you here for that?

Like I said, I was not here for anything. I showed up when the fucking, I just signed something. I mean, my brothers were here and shit. Gotcha. But like I was like, if you guys like it, you're going to live in it most of the time. I'm going to come down like once every couple months maybe. Right. You know what I mean?

Like this isn't really my house. Right, right. I'm the slum lord here yeah um so yeah like i said i just trusted my agent a lot right like i put too much trust in him dude i had to he's a good dude shout out jason filipo if you guys are looking to buy a home in baltimore hell yeah jason here's your plug baby there it is i'll shout i'll shout out christopher graham he was mine he was dope i had to fire my first one whoa never fired anybody in my life feel good though felt weird yeah it was just like i was asking her to change something

in the contract because it made it seem like she was gonna get more money than like i don't know it was there's something in the contract that just was worded weird it's like can you take this out she's like well i think it's pretty standard and it's like yeah but take this out? She's like, well, I think it's pretty standard. And I was like, yeah, but take it out. And she's like, look, I need you to trust me. And I was like, well, I don't. I don't know who you are. And this is going to be the biggest purchase of my life. And we went and saw a house one night.

And Umar came with me. And I would ask a question. And then she would answer it but be looking at umar that's all well that's a weird bout of like reverse racism but this was after we had like our like that was over the phone of like i don't trust you like you know and so later that night we went and looked at a house and then uh she left and umar and i were standing on the sidewalk and i was like that was weird right he's dude, that was so fucking weird. And I was like, do I have to fire her?

I think you did. Yeah. It was such a weird position. Shout out Chris. Yeah. Coming in. Christopher Graham, dude. He was fucking great.

So he helped my buddy get a house. And then I was like, hey, how was that guy? He was like, he was fine. He was great, actually. I was like, okay, how was that guy? He was like, he was fine. He was great, actually. I was like, okay, that works for me. It is funny, dude, because it's like you're basically, it's like when the stakes are so high, it's like, which is a house, it's like you really just want something, you just want someone you can trust, whatever.

But it's like most people are just like bad at their jobs. Right. Most people just average to good. And it's like, it's just like scary to think like this is just some guy's job totally does this every day but this is like the biggest thing i'll buy in my life yeah and it's like to him it's like i kind of fucked i remember that contract i fucked that yeah and bad day and also you're just at three o'clock on their schedule of other shit like okay i'm gonna look at houses with this piece of shit and then at five i gotta go look at houses with this other piece of shit right hopefully one of them buys it yeah yeah yeah but he was cool he was super down to earth that like

came to comedy shows afterwards and shit like that hook up for like a couple months yeah i mean but you know and before he traded in boy pussy for a down payment he is a gay man but uh and uh but the thing was i was smart about it i didn't give him that boy pussy until after we closed that's right you know because if i give it to him before, where's the incentive? That's right. You know what I mean? You're right. You're right.

So it's like, hey, you can close two deals, buddy. He's the first ever real estate agent to out of pocket pay some of your closing costs. He has no... He's just like, I'll pay for those. Yeah. He closes, I open. You know what I'm saying? You gape.

We have a gaping house today. These houses aren't just open, baby. They're gaped. We got a goatee house on the corner. You're going to love it. You're going to fucking love it, dude. All right, man. Well, shit, it's been an hour.

Yeah, what do you want to plug? Stafi Baby on Twitter, Stafi Baby 2 on Instagram. 2, yeah, because's been an hour. Yeah. What do you want to plug? Stavi Baby on Twitter. Stavi Baby 2 on Instagram. 2, yeah, because you got the boot. I got the boot. I was too erotic the first go around. Sure. And then I have a website now that actually looks good.

Stavi.biz. I like the.biz. Yes. It's strong. I felt right. It is good. S-T-A-V-V-Y.biz for all my ticket. I'm touring all over the fucking place so please

come see me it's fucking sick man yeah man dude you guys are going to australia right australia in october yeah yeah that is insane it's gonna be awesome so like all the way across the world people are into cross the pond baby well yeah right across that i think it's a different pond you're just in england what. What's up, Australia? Whatever. Yeah, no, that is wild, though. Yeah. Give a shit. Fucking A.

I'm looking forward to it. Fucking A, man. Thanks, man. Dude, thanks for doing the podcast. Of course. Oh, I do have to reference it. So I have another podcast called The Baltimore Voice. Okay.

With that guy, Mike, and my buddy, Scott. And we literally just do the Baltimore Voice accent. Hell yeah. And it's so fun. It's been pretty good. Sometimes our characters, our characters go a little too far. But dude, it's so fun. But we have this running thing

on Comptown. We'll like riff about something on Baltimore voice and then you guys will do it. Like it's not and it's not like it's like a Well, we we listen every episode yeah i was gonna say yeah so scott was like dude do they like listen to the podcast like not a fucking chance not a fucking chance not a chance no there's no way all hacks yeah it's like all just like super like asinine dumb humor it's like yeah the fact that we're kind of hovering around

the same shit right it's a parallel dumb thinking of course yeah but of course you meant it in jess but then so on the latest podcast when you're doing literally the baltimore accent for most of it it's like scott you're gonna hate this yeah yeah that was a lot of fun i love that character too man um i fucking i came up with a couple of those live ones and i'm like i'm just gonna do a one-man show as this guy that's yeah yeah i've been doing a bit it only really works up here but i've been doing uh like the baltimore accent like i love it so much but most people don't know about it and i think if somebody was gonna get famous with it it would have happened by now right right right right, right. But they're not going to be famous for the right reasons.

Right, right, right. Like, you might see, like, a viral video of a guy like, that's not my fucking method. I ain't even fucking taught you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, we're never going to see him do a TED Talk. Right, right, right. So I just do him, like, doing a TED Talk.

He's like, all right, my name's Jeff. I'll do it. I don't know if that breaks the rules, but fuck it. Here we go. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so the first rule of scientific method is to protect this house yes i said science i'm not gay you're fucking shut up you're fucking gay yeah yeah that

doesn't go against my time so like i've been doing that bit yeah yeah and it's just such a fun accent to do because you can just say the worst shit like god some of the worst people of all time speak that way and that's what's the beauty of it. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Absolutely. Got some neighbors like that. Oh, yeah. You cut down your branches.

When I drive in the alley, they scrape my car. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. All right. Setting you up for a nice lawsuit down the line. Yeah.

FY. Yeah. I don't trust anyone that speaks that way. Except I do, unfortunately. I love and hate them. Yes. I can't. Yeah that speaks that way. Except I do, unfortunately. I love and hate them. Yes. I can't, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's two sides to that coin, I think so. But there's a lot of grifters that speak that way. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, but that's the thing. Like, anybody with that accent, you don't assume they're intelligent. No.

Ever. No, no, no. They're like, well, I don't know. I guess the theory of relativity does hold some weight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Al, I guess the theory of relativity does hold some weight. Albron's thought kind of a hat. Yeah, it's like people talk about that with a southern accent, and it's unfair to say that about people from the south. It's like, yeah, there's obviously very smart people.

Having said that, there is not a single smart person that speaks with a Baltimore accent. That is never going to happen. I know. That will never exist. Exactly. Yeah, we're not going to see that person. You lose it instantly.

You're ashamed. It's verbal filth that you scrub from your vocal cords if you go to college. Yeah, like, I went down to the ocean. I went down to the ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in Ocean City on business. He burns himself. He's like, oh, and then the guy fucking slaps him, his trainer.

Yeah. He's cutting the O, the Orioles O into him. Stupid, stupid. All right, buddy. This was fun. Thanks, bud. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions,! Coming to an end! Thank you. Oh yeah, oh yeah