The Digression Sessions - Ep. 267 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: September 24, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with each other and complain about stuff and recap their weeks! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna and Umar Khan, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a goddy. The Dig Sesh talking squeegee kids and balls. Yeah, this one gay guy commented on Reddit. Why is it a matter of he's gay? Well, it's part of the story oh he's like i was trying so he uh was blowing the squeegee kit no uh he said he was stopped in i think it was the intersection um like right when you're coming off 83 on president that's where like a lot of them

are and uh his windows are down his partner was in town and he was like showing on baltimore he's excited and uh he kind of he told the kids no it sounds like like the beginning to a bad musical it's like my partner's in town yeah i'm showing him around yeah and and so he told him no and the kid was like pretty he was like oh all right whatever and then he saw that um his hand was on his partner's thigh he's like yo why are you touching his thigh or something like that? And he was like, this is my partner. This is window down?

Yeah. And the kid fucking started. It was like, ew, that's gross. This guy. And called him like a fag and started spraying him. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah, that's dark.

That's nuts. Yeah. And apparently a lot of people get sprayed. Not a lot, but i've seen a lot of comments of people saying they get sprayed yeah i i've never seen anybody gets i've never seen the opposite of of that is uh the the people we were just talking about that like just face forward and like pretend they don't exist or like turn the windshield wipers on i saw a kid take his squeegee thing and just make a heart on her uh side window just like hey chill my kid did that to me and karen

because we were just like no thank you it's really shitty to do that i yeah i thought he was just doing it to this chick to show him like hey i'm not out to get you yeah he did it to us too and i don't know if they think it's funny but i keep going back to like i i really want to interview one of them and just and like like what service are you providing because we all have windshield exactly like it'd be like if they came up to your window it's like hey man i got a little bit of air conditioning yeah it's like yeah it's built in yeah it's just it's so weird it's like what about a quick seat belt yeah it's like going into a coffee shop and selling me coffee. I'm like, bro, I paid $20,000 or upwards of what people, you know,

for this thing that I'm in right now. It would be insane if it wasn't equipped with windshield wiper fluid and windshield wipers. Bringing sand to the beach. Yeah. Hey, man, you want this sand? Because usually in a business, you fill a need there's no need no there's no demand there it's like these kids haven't taken economics one i know

that's why they gotta stay in school i'm gonna put my window down where'd you get your mba dude yeah yeah now if you come to my car and you're like hey i'll run in and like if you're hungry like i'll go run to the corner get you some food come back that'd be dope that you don't want to get out of your car. I would never trust them. No. And you got to wait too long. Yeah.

True, true. Yeah. It is weird because I don't understand how much money they're making. Like I don't feel like the juice is worth the squeeze. Like even if you're there all day, are you making. I don't know. Are you even making 20 bucks? I can't.

I don't think they would do it if not. I talked to a homeless guy. He said he makes. It was in Dc though so it's different he says he makes like uh at least a hundred dollars a day just begging okay yeah that's uh like fox news would do those things yeah we got dressed up as a homeless man right right uh our long leg big fake titted anchor dressed up as a homeless person we went to times square and the money that i made if you add it up yeah i would make 65 000 a year it's like yeah that's what they're all making like yeah what yeah but um and then i i remember listening to like a podcast and they follow two homeless dudes around New York.

And they said, if anyone's holding up a sign that says hungry, need money for food, they're liars. Because if you're a homeless person in New York, you should never be hungry because there's so many opportunities to get free food from shelters and stuff.

Yeah, shelters, soup kitchens. And theoretically theoretically there's dollar pizza but who knows they could be like the top pyramid they could be like the a the a homeless dudes you know like they gotta figure it out yeah yeah like they're in all the hot corners yeah like yeah like they get passed at all the good uh shelters yeah like man i'm in that top tier a cot i got a bed yeah yeah when i'm outside it's like my trash fire never goes out you understand boom but yeah they always act like that's the bit like these homeless people are scamming it's like no there's there's a mental

health issue yeah it's like yeah it's not like these people quit their job and like now i'm gonna be a beggar yeah i'm gonna game the system yeah and it's not like for the most part it's like when i was young i got scared my parents would scare me they're like yeah see if you don't stay in school you'll be homeless and it's like and then you're like oh that's not how it works like they were probably more more than likely born into poverty right death like their family dealt with drug and mental illness issues it's just a mental illness thing i mean not for the most part yeah that's yeah that it's something you can't even if you were to clean that person up give them housing and like here you go go for it they would end up back

on the street because there is something wrong yeah yeah it's just so sad it's like where's like any your family or anyone they were never around you you know? Right. And that, so it's a mental illness and poverty thing. Yeah. In poverty, the care for it, it's just not there. And it could happen too, where you get in some type of terrible accident. You can't go to work. You have a mortgage. You can't pay that.

Yeah. You can't, your legs don't work anymore. Dude, listen to how crazy this is. So me and this woman, we're talking about this at my job. She's a social work intern. And she grew up in the hood. Her mom grew up in the hood. But her mom was the smart one in her family and was like, I got to go to school.

And so her mom makes a fuck ton of money. And so this girl, she tried to drop out of school ended up like an alternative high school but now she's and her mom would just like never let her quit school and now she's in a master's program which is great and so we were talking just we're talking about the mentality of like you know like of people who who grew up in poverty and uh like when baltimore gave like baltimore was settling all these lawsuits or giving away money for the lead poisoning dude people blew that money so fast sure like so fast and she told me this like story like she knew a lot of people that got that money and just blew

it on like cars and shit yeah dude her she told me a story where her aunt won in a lawsuit like 1.5 million dollars and lost it all in a year wow how do you lose 1.5 million in a year like especially if you're not like already like like i get if you make like 20 but if i if you give me 1.5 million it's i wouldn't be set for life or anywhere near but i'd be really i would be comfortable oh yeah you would be fine i would invest the shit out of that money you just put it in a very it's such a white guy thing but if you put it in a very uh conservative mutual fund yeah you are set for life yeah if you kept your job dude you buy it you buy a nice property a modest property. Modest property.

God, but she bought like... That's my favorite yuppie band, by the way. Yeah, modest property. You know, where Modest Mouse gets a little older, a little more conservative. That'd be a great parody. Hi, we're Modest Property. We're not that weird, honestly. We're very normal.

Here's our first song hoa one two three oh man uh and uh yeah so and then she was also saying how like uh she was like well you know you got to give some money back because you got to and i was like why he's like well that's what the bible says and i was like to who well like give it to charity and stuff she's like you i mean you have to and i was like you have to yeah and i was like what if i don't believe in the bible yeah that's kind of cool though i mean no it is cool yeah so her mom i thought she meant like i need to give half a million dollars to the church oh yeah no so her mom her aunt gave a lot of money to charity she bought a bunch of family members cars charity was just her friend

oh boy that's jess caderna everybody for those emails to cadera no i'm kidding uh yeah so she bought like used cars for a bunch of her family members she bought a home but in the hood and and we were and i asked her and i was like look I hope this isn't ignorant, but why when people come across money who grew up in the hood, why don't they just get out? And she's like, yeah, I don't know. I think the same thing. But yeah, there has to be a sense of it's all you know, too. If you're not like, let me just find a real estate broker that I trust. It's just what you grew up in and i don't know it probably

feels weird to go outside of that if you don't yeah if you don't know if you're not exposed yeah well like our buddy stuff like he doesn't trust like stocks and investing and stuff he doesn't know how it works and to be fair i don't either i don't either but i trust it he doesn't he won't do it he's like yeah he's like maybe i'm, but I also just don't want to do it. Yeah. I mean, yeah. When he was on the podcast, we were talking about that. That's why he's like, I got all this money I'm spending on dumb shit.

And I don't know how stocks or mutual funds work. So I'll just buy a house. Yeah. Because I was like, dude, congrats. You bought that. We were talking the other day. And I was like, dude, you bought it. You're kind of living the dream.

You bought a house because of comedy. And he was like, yeah, my financial advisor and like everyone around me told me it was a really dumb move. And I was like, why? He's like, well, they're saying you shouldn't use all your money to buy a house. I was like, oh, okay. But he makes so much money. Yeah, Stavros Halkis of the Come Town podcast, Baltimore boy. And we talk about it all the time on this show, but the Come Town podcast is, they just

say whatever they want. And that's why I was joking with Stav that I was like, it's so insane that you bought a house based off of the podcast. Because if you told somebody the plan, it's like, me and my friends are going to start a podcast where we come this close to saying the N-word every week, and'm gonna buy a house off of it you're like no man there's no fucking way no fucking way that's so funny but that's what happened it's literally like when you're in middle school and you're like bro we're all gonna own like a skate shop like that's what they're doing we're gonna eat pizza every day and they they have like the same conversations as if you're like a 14 year old boy right right and it's hilarious but god but yeah no man i mean uh

to to keep going with the uh the the yuppie thing i got really worried about that too when i bought a house that i was like losing money but my my dad had to be like no no dummy you're not you just moved it you didn't yeah like you think about it like when you make a purchase of like a tv or something right that's losing there goes seven hundred dollars because you know you can sell it but you're not going to get it right you got for it but the house theoretically you should make money on it yeah and it's not like you aren't going to get that money back yeah you know it kind of depends like uh my friend she bought a home and um she's gonna lose money when she sells it it can happen and uh

and i was like god damn i don't know enough yeah about and like her house is in the city it's a nice home i think she bought it for more than it was worth right you know because she bought it like it was just remodeled yeah you have to keep up with it i guess or yeah that's the other shitty thing too it's like oh it's a bad market right now it's like what so in a year my house is worth double yeah just because the i know it's it's nuts and like uh i yeah and i just was like oh my god and she was like you have to have all this like she's like even if I just want to sell my house, that's like 12 grand. But that's all in the closing call or whatever and all that shit. So it's not like she'll feel it, I guess.

Yeah. But God. Anyway, guys. Well, all right. Well, that's the yuppie economics corner. The yuppie minute here on the digression. Hey, we missed a week, but we're back. We did.

We're the inconsistent boys again. No, we're staying inconsistent. And there were mic problems on the uh the digression hey uh we missed a week but we're back we did we're the inconsistent boys again no we're staying inconsistent and uh there were uh mic problems on the last one so oh yeah good boy what a bummer we had a guess on that because we should have really deleted that i know i'm sorry oh i don't give a shit well yeah because we normally don't have four mic cords and then um i saw the levels were a little weird but i thought it was just because of all the splinters but it was just fucked up damn so uh yeah is that this weekend the 72 hour film fest no it's gonna be in october so yeah people can still check it out dude speak this and frederick uh my buddy lives there and i was like hey what are you doing this weekend he's like well i gotta watch the kids because my wife's going.

There's some moms on Facebook that post videos. So they're going to the they sold out the theater there. I'm sorry. What is like two moms who post like funny vlogs on Facebook like mommy vlogs, I guess. And they're like super famous. And they sold out the local theater in Frederick. Like it's a theater. Frederick. Like the theater. It's a big theater.

Yeah. Bill Burr plays there when he comes through, right? I think it's like 800 to 1,000 seats. And what is that show? Theater. And there's going to be like male strippers at the show. His wife and all like the people in her neighborhood, they rented a limo to go to the show. And my friend's just like, I don't know, man.

It's fucking stupid. But I guess I get to have their fun. her neighborhood they rented a limo to go to the show and my friend just like i don't know man it's fucking stupid but i guess i get to have their fun like dude that's where the entertainment industry is yeah super niche and i can't see that lasting but it's really weird i know like but you if those moms like have all their kids set for college and more. Oh, yeah. I mean, go get your money, boo-boo. But, yeah, it's just, wow. Can you believe that?

Like, God! Like, I think that I'm a yuppie, but I'm not like, hey, it's Sharon and Jess, your favorite mommy vloggers. Yeah. Because what's your act? What do you do on stage like how like do they probably have people like a team of people trying to like figure out like all right you can do this you can do that yeah but they show videos i bet there's a q a god stories i would love sketches i would love to make like eighty thousand dollars from doing a q a yeah i mean if it's a theater

show they're making bank that god so i don't know i guess we just gotta knock some chicks out huh yeah but anyway guys i'm making forty dollars i'll be at the overachiever show next week there you go me i'm gonna knock up karen and get this daddy vlog going nice you know what i mean nice be all about me yeah hey you ever shoot goo in a lady it's your boy josh like and subscribe uh yeah so uh wait so you're doing uh overachievers when next thursday the 27th and then uh 28th i'm headlining some brewery in way out in virginia purseville it's past any show that we've done for i mean purcellville purcellville maybe i don't know that might be in maryland pu either way yeah pu is right it stinks

it stinks i texted the guy and i was like hey man is there like a flyer an event page he's like oh another company's doing that let me check and i was like what i was like what kind of answer is that just like like yeah of course i get you're not a graphic designer people hire out people but yeah you should have that by now maybe he's more legit than you think he's like i gotta talk to hr about that they'll reach out to our graphics department i don't know how he heard about me but there you go i don't know if people out in person are gonna enjoy my comedy they're probably just gonna kill you yeah like we'll do a q a yeah yeah as long as you get rich i have to do 45 minutes i'm scared you can do it no i can i have 45 yeah i just feel like 45 that that crowd likes yeah there'll be some uh q a aka crowd work for sure yeah oh my god it's gonna be it's at a brewery

though right yeah well there you go. What does that mean? I mean, like, people are drinking and stuff. Oh, my God. Speaking of breweries. Yes. Did you read that Union post? Yeah. So what is it?

They're basically more yuppie stuff. Union made a post where they banned kids after 6 o'clock in their taproom. Yeah, Union is a brewery here in Baltimore. And, yeah. I mean, yeah, good. Why are you bringing kids here? Yeah. I mean, I don't care.

I just think people's reaction on Facebook was like... It's so funny because all these progressive and liberals are like, oh, the name calling that happens and blah blah and then it's like all these people get on and calling kids like crotch goblins and ankle biters and like good like screw these crotch goblins and ankle biters and it's like really they're ruining your time like that much i think we gotta monitor that person that person's a pedophile i understand yeah these got to get these beautiful ankle butters. They ruin my evening.

They're just tempting me all the time. How can I drink in peace when that's running around? All these nooks and crannies I could take them into. Exactly. Yeah, but it was just so funny because it's like the stakes are so low on everyone's side. Sure. And everyone's like going back and arguing and it's just like what the fuck is going like we're everyone i don't know everyone's just such

a cunt online it's crazy i mean yeah if i was a company i would block all comments right but also yeah i yeah i don't really care either way like if. Like, if that's the hill you're going to die on or whatever for that, to have kids there. Like, if a tattoo shop was like, no kids after 6 p.m., you wouldn't be like, what the fuck? Yeah. What if I want to go in and get some ink done? Like, it's a brewery. Yeah. Like, even if you have kids and you wanted to bring kids, you'd be like, I get it.

Yeah. And I guess, like, some parents are like, well are like well our working parents like we get off at five so like by the time we get there with it's like yeah well why don't you go somewhere else with your kids that they want to also be at yeah and why do you you're going there to booze it up like they're like i guess like they're like it's i guess for them it's no different than like going to a restaurant and maybe you have a drink or two you know i I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, even that still, like sometimes when you see kids at a bar around like eight o'clock, you're like, why are you? Yeah. But it's just like, oh, well. Yeah. No. There's places you can't go. Yeah, exactly. You know, like you can't take boo everywhere, your dog.

I will. I bought a papoose for him. You can't. Yeah. It's just like, but like the way people were so angry at these parents, like this woman wrote probably one of the most awful comments I've ever seen online. And just people just shitting on her. Sure. I mean, I just like, oh, my God.

Sure. And then if I was union, I'd be bummed because I'd be like, because one parent made a good comment. Like, you know what? Fuck this. was union i'd be bummed because i'd be like because i one parent made a good comment like you know what fuck this like if these are the people that go to your establishment then i don't want to fucking go there anymore and i was like that's a fair point and if i was a union i'd be like oh god who are the people that come to us yeah but yeah you open up a big brewery that's like baltimore based and everything people like oh this is fun it's a new collective i want to check it out yeah but people like beer i went there for a yacht the last time i was there there were a lot of kids which it was fine yeah uh but it was a yacht rock festival sure what the fuck

is yacht rock i don't really know i i i know that uh middle-aged white people love it. Yeah. I think it's just like really chill rock, but I couldn't name a Yacht Rock band. So, Hall & Oates is considered Yacht Rock. Got it. Got it. But I couldn't name you. Oh, and then who wrote Africa Toto? Disturbed.

Oh, wow. That's Yacht Rock, too. And I was there, and I never knew that this kind of music even existed okay it just says uh soft rock okay so so was was derived from its association with the popular southern california leisure activity of sailing like yeah so these are the people you're worried about get the fuck out of here yeah and yeah i mean i don't know people leave their kids around like i don't understand that either i would be so scared that someone's gonna like like that like something could happen to my kid yeah and it's just not a

place for them yeah um we went to uh last year we went to an event at union's old spot where they're releasing some new beer and they're having bands play and it's just a warehouse with like a tiny little bar but the rest of it is a functioning warehouse where it's a concrete floor there's metal and kegs everywhere and it was like nine o'clock and there were kids just sitting on the floor while these fucking people and like loafers and khaki shorts were like yeah and it's like why yeah at that point it's just irresponsible that's all it is there's nothing there for kids parents will do it like when i lifeguarded parents would do that they would just come they would drink and they

would let the lifeguards watch their kids it's like we're not babysitters we're just here to make sure no one dies you know like but i would constantly like good enough yeah but i would constantly have i guess that is most of being a parent it's just like making sure people don't die yeah but it was constantly just like me telling kids like not run not fight not eat by the pool not like i don't know like set shit on fire it's just like what no knives yeah especially if you're running and so we had this thing where like if a kid kept breaking rules you would bench them and i'm like yo why the fuck am i putting your fucking kids in time out that's your job as a parent at that point we should just tell the kid and the parent like you gotta go you're just like i'm gonna put the parents on the bench yeah it's

a slow clap yeah yeah yeah but can you imagine like i'm a 15 year old kid yeah that's when i started lifeguarding and i'm telling a kid like hey man you gotta sit on the bench for five minutes yeah and it's weird that they would listen to you i couldn't imagine telling a kid i work with like a baltimore city kid i'm like hey man you gotta say and be like go yo fuck you i saw you sit on the bench i saw kids cussing out these two women. They're probably our age, these girls. Well, I guess we're adults now. Women.

Technically. I was there to swim laps at Druid Hill Park. And kids aren't supposed to... People aren't supposed to be in the lap lanes unless you're swimming laps. But kids, no one there gives a fuck. Sure. And it's annoying, but I don't say anything because I know it's just not worth it. Right.

But this woman stopped, told these kids like hey you know these are just uh for people swimming laps i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't like keep right coming but uh through this lane and he was like man fuck you and and like just went off on this lady and she kind of just went away kept swimming and he's like man i fucking hate white people that's why i should get my sister up here and i was like oh boy wow and i was like i couldn't imagine lifeguarding at this pool i would never tell anyone any what to do ever i'd be so scared you keep it up yeah keep it up keep doing back flips i like the way you're smoking in the pool that's good more vape for everybody i love it good job well you said you saw a kid at uh at your school that told the principal that he was gonna skull fuck his wife no what he says he's gonna skull fuck him or his wife his wife his wife yeah he's better yeah yeah that kid was

that kid was honestly that kid was really cool. Fucking nuts. That's probably the coolest kid ever. Like, I, like, speaking of, like, listening to teenagers, when I was growing up, I would see teenagers coming down the street and be like, oh, man. Oh, yeah. Teenagers, like, and they would be, what, like, six years older? And you're like, oh, man. They're, like, grown-ups. I used to get bullied by, like, teenagers when I was, like, a middle schooler.

It sucked. Yeah. No, I don't think I ever got bullied, but they just a middle schooler. It sucked. Yeah. No, I don't think I ever got bullied, but they just seemed so much older. Yeah. I don't know, more adult. But I would never have the balls to tell a vice principal or principal that I was going to skull fuck his wife. Yeah, dude. I remember there was this one group.

They were like four years older than me. And I just remember every time I was like, like oh it was just like out of a movie i'd be like you'd see them walking up and i'm like here we go and they're like make fun of me for being fat like one kid would always like like wrestle me and push me on the ground and stuff i'm like what and like and that like one of them's dead i'm like good fuck him and he he od'd i too, yeah. One of the kids that keyed my car OD'd. And I'm like, all right. I know, that's how petty I am. I'm like, dude, fuck that kid.

Yeah. And he was always a piece of shit. Like, always. Right. I think he had a shitty home life. Well, yeah, of course. I mean, you realize that. Yeah.

I mean, you know as a psychologist, somebody that's being a bully is not coming from a welcoming, encouraging household. It's just so weird. Like, I would love to talk to those kids now and be like, why'd you do that? Like, it's so... Because when I was your age, I didn't do that shit. So, you can't use your age as an excuse to be a piece of shit. Well, yeah. Again, you just have a shitty home life.

You don't really have a model, older person to be like, hey don't do that who keyed your car why uh it was uh it was in high school and it was this one kid and his older brother uh because i was with uh this girl and he had a crush on her or something like oh my god and uh yeah one day i woke up and uh where we were staying and went went out to the car and i was like what the fuck they like bent my antennas and like keyed it holy shit yeah and then just denied it forever and like what and that i could understand the one kid like him being jealous i mean even doing that it's like so shitty i mean i don't understand doing that but then the older brother be like yeah i'm gonna do it with you it's like i was in

ninth or tenth grade and she's either senior you'd have to be in like 11th you can't drive in ninth or tenth grade right oh yeah yeah so yeah i was in 11th grade yeah so yeah so yeah this kid was dead he had graduated graduate that's like can you imagine you're out of high school and you're pining over a high school girl uh so no the kid uh the younger brother was in my group but getting involved yeah like can you imagine raheel when he's out of out of high school he's like let's fuck their car up like bro i don't have anything to do with this god uh but yeah he later uh did heroin and got in the tub and drowned in the tub all All right, good for him. Yeah. That's like such a cute move.

Like, oh, I'm going to put on a little bubble bath, do some heroin and relax. Oh, man. Chasing the dragon has really worn me out. Yeah. I need a nice little bubble bath. Like, I get getting stoned and taking a bath, but doing heroin and taking a bath. Yeah, but he actually had a history of that. I was actually at a party where he did that once but he was just drinking and in the tub and like somebody was like beating on the

door to wake was he trying to kill himself i don't think so i mean it's a weird way to do so it wasn't a suicide no wow no god could you imagine yeah he yeah he got involved in some other shitty stuff too of like fucking up people's houses and stuff. Yeah, well, we don't need them. Maybe he could have been reformed. Yeah, but no, I really did have that feeling. I was like, man, am I a bad person? Because when I heard, I was like,

that wasn't like, fuck yeah, but it was like, yeah, who gives a fuck him? I don't feel bad at all. What's his brother up to? I have no idea, actually actually i don't even know if her friends on facebook i don't know but i went in a black hole and looking up like all like high school people and i'm like oh my god everyone is so lame occasionally i'll get a friend request and i'm like oh oh yeah i forgot about you there's a dude that i sat next to in all of middle school

uh and i'm blanking on his name because he changed his name but i got a friend request and i was like who is this i don't know the name but the person looked familiar and uh i think his name used to be rob i think but he's gay and i was like good for you so it's like still very eastern shore looking yeah like you know it's like just has a dude next to him it looks like he could be like hunting he's like also this is my partner you know most my high school friends are kind of just like doing the you know they're married they have kids which is cool but it's like it's so fun like in owen college i went through a black hole and i was like i want to see where these kids ended up i think you mean rabbit hole rabbit hole what am i saying black hole black hole rabbit hole yeah

internet black rabbit hole i don't know yeah you're right i don't know why you need to bring race into it i don't either you know uh and uh i just see holes yeah me too i feel them wherever i see a hole i feel it hell yeah um and all these kids who like were way like i thought like they're just gonna be like like just super you know making insane amounts of money doing all this crazy stuff it's like oh you're a bartender oh like you know you just work at like you're a manager at a store it's so weird yeah i'm like oh my god we went to college what happened oh yeah i well yeah it's not easy no it's not get a job i guess not yeah i mean i got lucky i was a fucking history major that's insane yeah whew yeah because when i was in college everybody was like what are you

gonna do you gonna teach yeah what did were you gonna teach no i don't know i was i was trying to get a government job like from the from this yeah but uh but yeah i didn't know i didn't have a path or anything damn like i am that person that i used to think about when i was younger and be like what the fuck because you would always like your friends parents growing up or even your parents you're like did you always want to be a data what do you do data in there like oh no no i was an english major yeah how did you end up there like well i just do and i was like yeah most people stumble into there yeah but when you're like 15 you're like how the fuck did you stumble into being an engineer what do you mean yeah i don't think i knew what an engineer i still am maybe not exactly like i know broadly what engineers do but there i don't think i knew what an engineer i still am maybe not

exactly like i know broadly what engineers do but there's so many kinds i'm just like you make shit you make stuff happen i don't know but yeah but i've become that person because people are like what do you what do you do for your job i'm like well i maintain the rent budget and then i also am uh an analyst for uh payroll like everybody's just like yeah yeah it's over but yeah i am that person they're like well why are you working from home well we can fly yeah yeah evan had like he like like make sure people like he works for a hospital and make sure it's like people's like co-pays are correct and they get paid correctly and all that stuff and i'm like wow that sounds horrible that's not a job you aspire to you just yeah well maybe like in your aspiring in that like it world but you just find something right right exactly dude we watched this youtube

video last night where like uh it's really cool like People, they'll pick five people, and they have other people interview them, and they have to guess what they do, how much money they make. And at the end, they line them all up by their income. Interesting. This woman makes $100,000-some. She works at a salon at the Microsoft offices. Oh.

Isn't that amazing interesting you make a six-figure salary just working at a salon cutting like weird autistic adults heads yeah but if yeah if you're having people speaking of uh data and like people that are doing software and like coders and stuff they're like yeah we expect you to work 15 hours a day but we have all this nice shit that's including go get your haircut for free yeah sure like and you get a hundred grand it's probably one of the i don't know it sounds like one of the easier gigs in a salon because she has to be good though it's probably mostly dudes they probably don't want anything fancy right they all right maybe maybe the women oh but i'm i almost guarantee at microsoft the dude to women

ratio in seattle i don't know there's probably some people true and i wonder if like they also just take outside clients possible damn but i was and then one woman made two hundred thousand dollars life coach what a bullshit thing god it's same like that degree is just like life coaches are just like people who have my degree or like a social work degree and sometimes you don't even need that you don't i bet you can just fake it oh my god there's a comic a local comic who kind of went nuts do you do you know what i'm talking about and now he's a life coat oh i was thinking of a lady no different one oh ramin yeah yeah yeah no indian guy though oh really yeah this indian comic who he was never that funny and um he's not gonna listen to this fuck and uh never that funny he is very smart has a very good degree was on track i think to be like a doctor engineer or something

and just like fuck it i'm doing stand-up quit his job started pursuing stand-up that did not work out for him went to la did not work out for him yeah and like he it never worked out for him here you know so yeah why and so he had i think he had like a mental breakdown or something oh no yeah and he was just weird dude and so i see recently like he's a life coach and i'm like dude you are one of the most awkward people I've ever been around in my life. No one is going to pay you to be their life coach. I've seen a couple, quote unquote, life coaches, and they don't even have their own shit together. Yeah.

So I don't understand. Alex had a life coach, though. Yeah. And he said it worked for him. But it's weird because I don't think you really need to be accredited really like you don't i mean no it probably helps but i think you could fake that shit too yeah like if you were hiring somebody like i went to maryland i have a psychology degree yeah send me your transcript well like i don't even know what a life coach would do for me like

what maybe we should we should get a life coach on here just tear them down yeah um we both end up hiring them yeah yeah i think the life coach is kind of like does stuff for people that they like they just organize your life well yeah they set goals and then things like things that you want to do and they're like okay we're gonna make a plan for you to accomplish this right they hold you accountable yeah like i think like when alex told me like he you know he did have all these goals with improv and even like stand-up and comedy but just like he was just he would have all this anxiety of pursuing them so that kind of maybe it helped like yeah just someone to hold him accountable whereas like i guess like other people you just you know like i like i guess like

we don't actively set maybe we do just like you you know you set, you know, like I guess like we don't actively set. Maybe we do like, you know, you set a goal with your band. You're like, I want to release an EP. You don't think about it really as a goal because it's just something you really want. Right, right. And like with stand up, we do the same. And I guess maybe some people just don't have the ability. Well, yeah.

There's certain things that I want to do that i just like my laziness holds me back you know so yeah i talked to somebody about it um a while ago it was a comic that we know that does it yeah so they're describing they're like okay so what you'll do is you'll set a goal and then you work backwards from there like you break down all the steps you're like okay so what would lead to that thing so how do you accomplish that and then you work backwards from there and then you have your that's so that's what i do with kids in school it's so crazy yeah yeah adults need that shit because like kids with adhd they like um it's pretty much what that what you're talking about it's like it's called like a task analysis so you break down every little step to get to something yeah and uh kids with adhd are really bad at that they'll

miss steps and stuff so you break something down yeah and a lot of times you just write it down and they have it on their desk and stuff so they don't have to remember it and i guess yeah that's interesting but uh but then yeah you do the same thing with your life so it's like a comedian it's like i would like to headline a bar show okay Okay. So how do you get there? Like, yeah. Doing other bark show showcase. You feature a bar. Yeah. You know, working your way up.

So interesting. It's always, I always see those people that are like speaking of like people from high school or just random people you see on Facebook. And this might be a little hack, but it's always the people that don't have their shit together that are posting inspirational quotes. Oh yeah. People that post stuff inspirational quotes. Oh, yeah.

Or the people that post stuff that's like, I make $300 a week and I do it at home. Text me and I'll tell you how you can do it too. It's like, oh, you're just in a pyramid. Yeah, you fall for like. And now you're trying to get other people involved. Then they're like posting. Oh, yeah. Well, anyway, so that one weird comic that he's a life coach now he uh randomly

sent me a Facebook message like maybe like four or five months ago he's like hey Umar book me on book me on a gin and jokes you know I'm good for it and uh I just ignored it I was like this motherfucker I was like you haven't seen up in how many years and I'm just gonna book you on a show and then uh and then the next day he goes never mind and you haven't seen up in how many years? I'm just going to book you on a show. And then the next day he goes, never mind. And you didn't even answer. No. Well, oh, that's a weird burp. No.

Yeah, I ran before. Yeah, but he's like, yeah, message received. I got it. Yeah. Good on him for being like, okay. I know. It was fucking crazy. Oh, man, we did a good show last night.

Yeah, it was fun. It was with the Baltimore Improv Group, and they improvised off of our stand- last night. Yeah, it was fun. It was with the Baltimore Improv Group, and they improvised off of our stand-up sets. Yeah, that was fun. Our stand-up sets. I think it would be fun to do that, like, that should be, like, a more, I guess that show was consistent.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, so when I was doing it with the Baltimore Improv Group, it was just, it was tough to get different improvisers and stuff, but I like having the same group yeah that worked it's way less work it's easy so easy but yeah it's a great show it's easy for improvisers too and the weekend before i was featuring for bobby kelly yeah how was that it was it was really good i i did like okay it was fine yeah um you know it's like one of those weekends

like where you're just like oh boy yeah because you do fine you're not doing great yeah well it's a two-man show because you're hosting too hosting and featuring so you're doing like 20 minute sets up top yep but you're still breaking the ice you're trying to be like hey this is yeah there's a rhythm of things um people loose yeah and uh there was just like a yeah it's just one of those weekends where you're just like, oh, like, I don't, like, God, can I, do I suck? Can I do this? Like, why am I just not crushing?

But I've had weekends where I've crushed. But, you know, it was, a lot of the early shows are sparsely attended. But one show,, but one show. So, one show, there was like a birthday party there, and God, it was a nightmare of a birthday. It was stereotypical. Like, just drunk. Like, it's their birthday. I wouldn't say they're drunk, just loud. It was like they're all wearing hats, like birthday cones.

Okay. And she was only 32, which which i was like pretty young for for a birthday like that also 32 who gives a shit yeah i thought the same thing immediately they're talking they like just they don't i and i was like why are you guys here why like you don't want to fucking right and the one girl like one girl like i uh uh so i like asked them to be like i couldn't i was setting up the first joke these fuckers are talking yeah so i asked them to stop then it gets weird because i look like an asshole and then uh but luckily everyone started hating them because they were a big distraction and then so like one i started a joke and i was like all right guys

this one you got dc you got a little uptight on. So, you know, don't be pussies. And then the one girl's like, you better not say anything racist. And like, God, I fucking lost it on this chick. I was like, I was like, what did I say? Also, that's what you're going to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You just, yeah.

Watch it, mister. So I was like, I was like, fuck like fuck you i was like even if i do you have to sit there and listen you can't say anything damn i was like that's how comedy shows work and then uh and then i was like anyway guys black people are terrible huh right and that got a laugh and then i was like see this black guy he's laughing he's on my side not yours and then that got a laugh and then dude bobby kelly ripped this girl apart the whole show he's like don't give me that face he's like fuck you like and he was like he was like you know like look at this this is his birthday party i was like see here's the thing about being young like

he's like you guys you all hate each other but you don't even know it it's so funny dude and like bobby's been doing comedy for what, like 30 years? 30 years. He's unbelievable. It's crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush. Like no nonsense. So he went to go set up a joke and she would keep giving him these faces like you can't talk about that. So he set up a joke. The setup was being a parent is easy, you know. And she was like, don't give me that look.

He's like, I've never left you hanging. These are just jokes. Let me finish. And it was just like, so funny, dude. Never left you hanging. Yeah.

He's like, I've never left you hanging. I'm telling jokes. Even when you think I'm being serious, I'm not. This is a comedy show. And he's just like, it was,

and the crowd just like, just clap it. Just like this girl's getting her ass handed to her. It was the best. Which is not like, you know, you don't just want a comic that's like, well, fuck you, lady. But if somebody's being a problem. And then when he brought her back, she's like, see, she's laughing. I knew it.

He's like, I like you. I like you. Yeah, yeah. I like you. Yeah, you're all right. Dude, that was great. Like watching someone that good work is unreal. No, yeah.

He's like, he's a master yeah to be in new york and doing comedy that long you're gonna his chops are just i mean he's a fucking samurai and so it made me feel a little better because you get off stage you're like all right i did okay yeah then he gets on stage you're like oh my god i suck right right because you're like oh the crowd wasn't that yeah i don't know and then he gets up there he's like nah and it was nice because sean the booker was there and he's like you know in dc everyone wants sean to like you like you want sean to like you and i was like and i was like i don't know man it was like you know it doesn't sound like it didn't sound like what it sounds he's like yeah he's like but yeah man he's like you went first and

bobby's been doing comedy for 30 years. Like, what do you think? You're going to be the, you're going to be as good as that. Like, you'd be crazy if you think that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, uh, and then another show.

Yeah. His ceiling is just higher than yours. Way. That's, that's all. Dude. Yeah. The show would be, uh, fucked up if you were just as good as Bobby Kelly or better. It'd be bad.

Right. It'd be bad. And then, yeah. And then, you know, people after the shows are really nice. So. Yeah. were just as good as bobby kelly or better it'd be bad right it'd be bad and then yeah and then you know people after the shows are really nice so yeah um the one show oh man i felt so bad for this dude so they sat this guy well they didn't sit on but it's like general admission yeah i will say the draft house for uh i think there's some things need to work out but that is how a club should be no food no fucking tables comfortable ass chairs um that no distractions no check drop yeah it's just yeah you get your booze in the lobby what's better than that you know it's a theater it's a

theater club show it's fucking great um that's why i'll be doing speechless on september 27th with tim miller at the dc draft house 7 p.m and uh and just tim miller and uh um so this guy was up front and like um and i this was the best that i was having i was crushing i was doing fine great it was like. I was crushing. I was doing great. It was like a... I was doing fine. I was doing great. I was doing good.

Let's not say great. I was doing good. I don't want to lie. I like they went from fine, great to good. Yeah, yeah. It was in between. I hear you. It was between fine and great.

You're in the pocket, but it's not murdering. Yeah, you're not murdering. By no means was I murdering. I was doing fine. Consistent. Great, good. And I don't know i don't know it's so funny because me and chris allen like you know when we do like feature weekends or like club weekend they're just like fuck i suck i suck like what am i doing here mark hates me like because he opens up from mark like mark hates me i'm like oh my god bobby kelly hates me yeah but uh, just a side. I mean, that's just the mind of the comic.

Oh, yeah. You have one great set. You're like, man, I'm going to be writing pretty soon, huh? Yeah. Well, Bobby Kelly took me out. Like, we went out for dinner. Yeah. And then I invited Chris.

I was like, and then when Chris and this other comic, Winston, came. Dude, Bobby Kelly paid for all our shit. He was so nice. Yeah, he seems like a sweetheart of a guy. And he likes comics. Yeah. Busting balls left and right he invited me and chris to do his podcast in new york so we'll see if that happens

yeah i'm sure he will but yeah but so side note so like you know bobby's a ball buster like so he asked me we're just talking about like comedy and like the whole louis ck thing because they're friends yeah and he was like he's like man it must be tough like you you work in schools like you must and so i was telling him my story uh-huh and then he uh he just starts going and he's videotaping himself and made that his story so then you just hear me ranting and him snoring and he's like oh man that's the funniest fucking video i've ever made he's just laughing and everyone who came into the green room he's like hey, look at this. Look at this video. And I'm just so embarrassed. And I'm like, God, I hope other people don't recognize my voice.

You know, the couple people, like Stav. Right. I'm sure they did. Oh, my God. I was so embarrassed. Hey, Stav, nobody cares. Yeah. Shut up.

He was like, Jesus, are you going to say something funny? I was like, oh, my God. That's awesome. Anyway, so I'm having a good show. It's fine. It's good. A little better than fine. Not as good as good.

No, it's good. Not as good as great. Anyway, so there's this guy in the front row, and he's fucking me up because he is not laughing. He's sitting arms crossed, just fucking deadpan. Stone-faced. And it's just all insecurity that makes me talk to this guy because I'm like, what the fuck is wrong in my head? It's also our reptilian brains, too, because you look for patterns.

And then the one thing that's the outlier and you focus on it. And it's also another thing too, that you, your lizard brain recognizes that as danger as well. So that's why when everybody's like, I'd be crushing a room of like a hundred people and there's one person and I'm just fixated on them. It's like, cause you're just hardwired that way. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause you know that you're doing well, but like your brain is like, is this person going to kill us? They tried to fuck us up. Exactly. And so,

and if he's right in front of you, it's like, what the fuck? It was only two people that sat, like, it was packed, but only two people

sat in the front row. Well, dude, it was unreal. When I got off stage, 30 motherfuckers walked into the room. I was like,

God, why couldn't you guys be here? Like, the boring guy. 30, like, young,

black, hip people. I was like, you guys are gonna love me. Right, right. God. Oh, man, the boring guy

from Bobby Kelly's stories off stage. Let's get guys are going to love me. Right, right. God. Oh, man. The boring guy from Bobby Kelly's stories offstage. Let's get in there. Oh, anyway. Yeah, right. Woo. Woo. And so I start making fun of him. I'm like, oh, what are you, a serial killer?

Blah, blah, blah. People are into it. And then I'm like, immediately I'm like, oh like oh fuck i felt a little bad yeah because uh he looked like just like a really nice i was like oh he's having a good time this is just his demeanor yeah i think he's maybe like on the spectrum his buddy brought him and you went at him i went at him pretty hard and uh but then he made a comeback uh-huh and so i was making like all these serial killer jokes a comeback yeah and he was like well keep talking you'll find out and uh i guess the crowd didn't like that oh no and they all turned on him

and they're like like the whole crowd audibly goes and then i didn't want to be like bested so i'm like yeah i was like oh you hear that dude they all hate you i was like we're all gonna murder you after this show and that got like a huge laugh and as that was happening his buddies patting him on the back like it's okay man i felt like a douche yeah so in the meanwhile you're like saying stuff in the mic you're like what a fucking loser i'm so sorry yeah so then and then i was like ah it's okay it's my fault it's my fault and i was gonna find him after the show and apologize and just be like dude that was all my ego already killed him yeah i was like i'll buy you a drink whatever i'm don't hate me and uh so then i'm telling sean this story backstage bobby's stage, so we go out to watch him.

Bobby tears this guy apart. Oh, no. I mean, he's just like, why aren't you? He's like, who sat this motherfucker? Who sat this back row face motherfucker in the front? Back row face. And he just came. He's like, you don't laugh at anything it's just like oh and he made fun of him like three times and then like i told bobby

that story i was like yeah i was gonna apologize to a man but you and adam he's like fuck him he's like if you look like that you don't sit in the front you look like that god i'm just like all right yeah jesus christ that poor guy though he's probably like i don't know if i want to go out like i know and every shitty like stereotype stereotype of comedy we reinforced that night yeah and i felt like such because you don't want people to think that like even at gin and jokes everyone and it's my fault like i'm terrible to the front row sure but it's all in good fun we also yeah all of us are but it's it's before i was doing comedy if i was at a comedy show i'm like don't talk to me yeah never i do i would never and now when i'm on stage i'm like come on motherfuckers

i'm looking at you and they're like like there's people like karen like like there's people who will never take a seat at my show like they will only be at the bars because they're like, fuck that. I don't want anyone to talk to me. I get it. Karen is one of the most shy people, my girlfriend. And Sean forced us to sit up front at the Patton Oswalt show at Big Hunt. And she was having a panic attack. I had to buy her.

She's like, Umar, you have to buy me another drink. I was like, all right. She can't even enjoy it she's just freaking yeah and then pat and talked to her and it was it was just hilarious because she was like freezing up and yeah it was hilarious it was great damn yeah um man no i love uh i love that bobby's just like you're like well i don't know there might be something else going he's like well fuck him anyway yeah yeah he is back row face yeah back row face i am stealing the shit out of that so funny that was i i mean i did die and and and everyone was just so into this guy being shit on and that's how that's how you know like everyone's a fucking piece of

shit yeah because like we all think it's hilarious when it's someone else. That's the other lizard brain thing. We're like, it ain't me. I'm going to stay alive. I don't care. That is so fun. I mean, that is one of the funnest parts of stand-up is talking to the crowd. It's the best. When that stuff works out.

I'm in a bad place with it because I'm doing it too much. I need to discipline myself. Yeah, I mean, because it's's a skill but then it's also not a dependable oh yeah ramin ramin went at me hard uh on stage because he had to follow me and i did all i was a pussy because i didn't believe in my new jokes right did all crowd i fucking destroyed sure and he goes up he's like yeah i give um did i tell this i might have told this story i don't know so he goes up on stage and he got up he's like yeah i get um did i tell this i might have told this story i don't know so he goes up on stage and he got recognized so some woman yelled out

one of his jokes oh interesting and he was like oh that's very sweet that's one of my jokes like see you more that you know you could maybe get that one day too if you didn't actually waste your time up here doing crowd work he's like folks you know, we have to tell jokes for a living. And he got up here and just acted like an asshole. Anyway. Yeah, he's like, you'll get there. And then he just crashed. Sure. God damn it.

Of course. Yeah. Of course. He's so good. Yeah. So I got to stop. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely a skill you need and it is so fun, but it can slow your progress down i'm gonna try to do a free uh crowd work slash new material show for like a group of like four or five comics we do like 12 15 minutes and we can do crowd work slash

new shit yeah and i think that'd be fun it's uh yeah i think more clubs are doing that too on off nights yeah the rule is you have to do new material not necessarily for the first time but maybe you've only done it like twice or something like that like you're still open micing it yeah that'd be cool because then the audience knows i don't know it's like a open mic but with longer sets you know yeah open mic showcase yeah yeah yeah exactly but i mean open mic in the sense that it's new material right you don't know how it's going to go. No, man, your room's great. I mean, I had a blast at the open mic last week. Yeah.

It was so fun. That was so fun. Speaking of crowd work, having to riff on Beth's set, that was so fun. That was great. She was really funny, man. She was great. She was killing. And I was like, man, I don't know how I'm going to follow this.

Yeah. Because she said she had sex with somebody that called her a retard well she had sex with him after he called her a retard yeah yeah and then the line where she said she looked like uh steve buscemi oh my god yeah karen my girlfriend sent me a gif of steve buscemi the next day was like i'm still laughing at this yeah uh so i went up and i was like what's up guys uh recently called this chick a retard still smash yeah and then i went up and oh and then because she also said some joke about how everybody she's fucked is now working in a coffee shop a coffee shop in her neighborhood like four or five yeah

same guys and then yeah i put that in there too i was like call her retard still smash you know what next day i got a job at a coffee yeah yeah yeah and then i played off the coffee shop thing that was great that was a cool crowd it's a good uh yeah who's got to capitalize on that it's a good spot going i heard were you there for anna phillips i don't know no i don't know i heard apparently she was roasting me and I wasn't there to see it. I felt bad. Well, bring her back next time. Yeah. Did I talk about North Carolina? No. Maybe a little bit.

I don't know. But just speaking of. I don't even remember our last podcast. Yeah, me either. But who does? Yeah. The crowds were a little older and they're smaller crowds. And just speaking of like weird crowd work interactions,

there's a couple. So I had to do the same thing where I was featuring slash hosting. So I went up and did like 25 to 30. Which is way, for some reason, featuring slash hosting sucks. It's really hard. I think featuring slash hosting is is there is something way harder about it well you're doing two jobs yeah doing it for a long time i mean it's it's still better i think it's you get to stretch out more it's a lot harder to be funny and engaging in 10 minutes like to set the stage and then i mean i don't know you

you can get in there if you have like a couple good ones you're like bang bang all right yeah um but yeah this is in the comfort inn of a hotel in north carolina in north carolina just like like middle america well yeah i mean a lot of people on vacation so the cool part is uh one of the owners of the quote-unquote club he goes up and he does the easy stuff he's like thank you guys for being here oh that's really cool yeah so i don't have to go up there and be like hello so he introduces me but he also goes do we have anybody celebrating anything anybody uh getting married and then the joke anybody celebrating a divorce

like you know so he asked if anybody's celebrating anything uh anniversary and this couple is like we are he's like oh wow how long you guys been married they're married 50 years and their names are paul and paulette nice and uh i got up there and i was just riffing on that i was like 50 years oh my god paul why did you marry this gal and then like she answered like because he loves me i'm like no i don't know and it says like just riffing like oh on my birthday i get to see my testicles she keeps them in a jar and i like to take a look so i was just like yeah and i was like wow 50 years and so you guys are how old and they were in their like late 60s or like early 70s or something like that so they got married when they were like 17 or 18 or jesus right so i was like god damn i was like paul i mean you saw paulette and you're

like well we have the same name it makes sense but why why'd you get married that early and then again the woman answers and she goes because the rabbit died and i was like, what? Does that? How drunk are you? Like, what is that? Like a weird witchcraft thing? What does that mean? And I was like kind of riffing on it back and forth. I was like, did I hear that right? You said the rabbit died? And then like people looked a little weird in the audience.

And like I just kind of riffed on it a little bit and moved on. But then after the show, people were like, oh, good show. And you didn't know what that meant right the rabbit i'm like no i still don't know what the fuck that is they're like oh it was an old pregnancy test like you would use a rabbit and like put your blood in it or something and if the rabbit died you were pregnant oh or something and i'm like what so that's like an old ass saying oh yeah you you don't know saying no i did not know that one no way yeah because it's like the rabbit died that's the way you're like i'm pregnant wow so basically it was she she had like a shotgun yeah so she had a good

sense of humor she's like i don't know he knocked me up but like so they were cool they were a lot of fun nice but yeah i was, what the fuck does that? I hate when that happens. And then you're like, okay, I guess we're moving on. And you're like, here's a joke. And then some people were like, they're like, yeah. I was like, I don't know. Is that like a miscarriage?

I don't know what the hell she's saying. I was like, all right. I'm still, you know. It was still like getting laughs. I was like, I'm worried about you, Paulette. I think you're too drunken. Nice. But yeah, the shows overall, like they were pretty good.

And Matt Bergman's hilarious. He was the guy that was headlining. But yeah, some of the crowds, they were just so old. Like nothing. Old, old, old. Yeah. I'll tell you, I don't know if I told this story on the last podcast and even i did my mic was probably fucked up but just speaking of old people and weird people we went out to get

breakfast at this place called uh the jolly roger which is it looks like an italian restaurant that they retrofitted it yeah like a pirate breakfast spot jesus christ but uh so we go in there there's one tv fox news is on the tv of course and uh it's just kind of like older surly people and the breakfast was really cheap so it was like four bucks but uh it was packed so we had to go sit at the bar and sit next to an older dude, and me and Matt are having our breakfast, and we're talking about Little Caesars or something like that, when they gave away pizza for when UMBC won, because Bud Light is giving away free beer if the Cleveland Browns win.

So we're talking about Little Caesars and whatever, and the guy next to us, he goes, I love Little Caesars pizza. I'm like, all right. You don't have to jump in our verbal double dutch we got guys like let me get in here it's my part is he alone yes oh boy older guy kind of bigger handlebar mustache like i love little caesar's pizza like yeah yeah he probably actually hates it it's just like it's only in well he goes uh he's like yeah i really love uh i don't know for me me, yeah, I love, actually, it's probably my three favorite. I love Domino's, Little Caesars, and eating pussy.

Buddy, what a jump you just took. That's amazing. Domino's, Little Caesars. Eating pussy. And then he just kept going. He's like, yeah, it's about the only thing that stays hard on me anymore is my tongue and i'm like who the fuck are you it's 10 in the morning what do you do he just needed to get that joke out yeah god yeah they don't tell you about when you you know you get older nothing works no more dick doesn't stay

hard i'm like buddy i have not even finished are you working on your five minutes god damn yeah oh yeah so that that was uh one of the highlights of the trip was the locals so dumb yeah and then um there was a guy i guess that is a local he was at the bar drinking already and uh we were talking about how cheap the breakfast is because it was 3.99 yeah and the guy's, it's 99 cents in the off months. It's like, cool. You live here in the off months and your breakfast is $3 cheaper than mine. Jesus Christ. If it was $3.99 every day, I wouldn't give up. Yeah.

You understand? And you still live here. Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up. Here in North Carolina before we got fucked up. Yeah, exactly. So enjoy your breakfast. In and out. Yeah. I got down there. What are we Carolina before we got fucked up. Yeah, exactly. So enjoy your break. In and out.

Enjoy. Yeah. I got down there, you know. What are we at? Should we wrap up? Talk to the locals about eating pussy. And I wrapped that up. And now we'll wrap this up.

Let's do it. Let's see. So, yeah. Say hi on the Facebooks and the Instagrams and Twitter. I'm at Josh Kaderna. The Dig Sesh is also on there. This week, I will be at the Colony Club in D.C. on Tuesday. And then the 27th, like I said, is Speechless.

That's at 7 p.m. at the D.C. Draft House. And I think it's only five bucks. We've got a good lineup. Excited about that. And after that, I'll be doing Ross Benoit's live show and live podcast for Smiley Frown this week. 27th, I'm at Overachiever. Oh, it sold out. Who gives a fuck? There you go.

I think it sold out. Well, if it's not, look it up. DC Comedy Loft. And if it is, come to Speechless. And yeah, go to Speechless. It's right there. 28th, I'm headlining Dragonhans Brewery in Virginia, Percival, or whatever the fuck it's called there um 28th i'm headlining dragonhans brewery in virginia percival or whatever the fuck it's called you know 29th i'm uh at the we've got your back show

at big theater i think i'm just telling like stories and then they're gonna do their sets off of it like stories related to anxiety and depression it's always weird when you get asked to do stuff like that because it's nice but you're like i guess i do come off as like a cunt huh like this is how you see me yeah yeah uh and then october 4th i am doing my show gin and jokes at joe squared lafayette right is headlining we got d lo who i love local baltimore comic funny, will probably riff on my tight pants. Look at how tight his shirt is, too. Ryan Nazer and Pete Bergen. Oh, there you go.

Yeah, and Frankie, maybe Frankie French. I might have overbooked it. October 26th, 27th, I am featuring for Dina Hesham at the DC Comedy Loft. Pow. All right, y'all. Yeah, thank you for listening. And oh, yeah, listen to my band,

Tremendous Athlete. I have never plugged it on this show. You should, yeah. Like a fucking idiot. They're on Spotify everywhere, right? Spotify, iTunes, Google Play, Amazon. Yeah, it's called Sign of the Devil. It's five songs,

and it's pretty good, so listen to it, will you? Rate it. Rate it. Review it. Yeah, rate and review us. If you listen to this rate it rate it review it yeah rate and review us if you listen to this why not five stars leave a review subscribe 400 to 500 of you that are listening and if we could get like half of you to rate and review yeah we'd we'd climb the charts

what does that mean nothing nothing makes us feel better i guess that'd be nice yeah rate and review us and uh subscribe yeah i like that we're like inconsistent with the podcast i know give us five stars but it's free you know like if i got we got paid a lot of money to do this you can bet your ass you consistent yeah and if we go up in the ratings then we'll get uh maybe some ad money and we'll be a little more consistent there you go this is like trump when he was like hey if i get impeached it's on you fuck yeah he's fucking like we're fucking up we're like hey listeners yeah get your shit together there is gonna come a time where we're just gonna have to be like what are we doing i know stop when is

it like it's this gonna be interesting yeah it's probably around the corner i think so yeah yeah everyone's like what are we doing yeah exactly. I mean, it's a good hang. Yeah. I don't mind it. I don't care. It's an excuse to interview people now and again. Yeah. And some people like the show.

Do they? Good. I mean, yeah. Like I said, we average like 400 to 500 listeners per show. Damn, that's nuts. Some more. So, you know. That's a lot.

Yeah. More than I thought we would get. Yeah. It's pretty cool. It's pretty cool that's pretty good yeah all over the country all over the world because you can see the breakdown damn yeah yeah yeah hey print that shit out and maybe we can show a local business into it into it no yeah i think we could get a sugar to do it for sure like uh the sex toy shop yeah we'll talk about that oh

no okay hey i don't think that woman likes me oh she likes me though okay well you can ask we'll talk about that. Oh, no. Okay. I don't think that woman likes me. Oh, she likes me, though. Okay. Well, you can ask. Well, we'll see. Yeah. All right. On that note, David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end.