The Digression Sessions - Ep. 273 - Josh Umar & Alex Braslavsky

Episode Date: December 24, 2018

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with their writer, improviser, and sketch performer and dear dear friend of the pod - Alex Braslavsky! Alex used to do comedy with the boys in Baltimore but headed for the Big Apple a little while ago. Listen to a fun catch up sesh with the boys. And check out the track, Brown Paper Bag, from Josh's band, Tremendous Athlete! Click here! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna and Umar Khan, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Hey man, we're all going bald. I'm taking finish drive, dude. Why don't you pick up the microphone there, buddy? Yeah, let's get into it, you bald bitch. Ladies might listen. I know it's usually guys that listen, but ladies might.

I don't know who listens. It's so rare. One time a guy wrote on my Facebook wall, he's like, Hey, I enjoyed your wedding stories. And I was like, wow. Now he listens. I don't know that guy but that's really nice premiere of mike fanazzo's movie uh a guy introduced himself he's like i'm a big fan of the podcast and i was like oh shit nice that's a nice feeling yeah and then uh and then i said on the podcast i was like i'm blanking on his name and then on the post on facebook he's like that was me oh wow yeah we shouldn't be mad about that oh we shouldn't we should not be mad

people forgetting your name we gotta let that stuff go we gotta oh well yeah i forget we meet so many people i forget everybody's name if somebody forgets my name it's fine oh i never care but people do get mad. I know, but they shouldn't. We know what the move is. You say, instead of nice to meet you, good to see you. That's why I just call her my girlfriend all the time. Whoa.

You forget her name? Yeah, I forget her name. It does seem like an Umar problem, like not remembering people's names. That's my problem? No, Josh has that too. We both have it real bad. But I've gotten into a lot of trouble before.

There was somebody at your show, right, that was like, I've introduced myself to Josh like four times. Yeah, and then somebody at my show said it to me too. She's like, I've introduced myself to you like three times. And you always say, nice to meet you, what's your name? It must be a comic thing because my ex, comedians would like always forget her. I think it must be so hard to be the girlfriend of a comedian.

Yeah. Because you're just kind of at the boyfriend's side while this annoying exchange happens every show. And then you feel weird about jumping in a conversation. Yeah. and then they forget you all the time one time karen uh we were supposed to hang out but then i got booked at big hunt and i was like do you want to come and i was like probably not but if you want to hang out we can hang out and she's done it like once or twice before and like yeah it's always terrible because you know like she's alone you try to mingle it sucks for you because you want to be with the comics but you don't want her to feel left out kind of focused on your shit too

yeah not i don't know anyway so uh and i was like it might be fun it's a festival and like it's gonna be a bunch of people there and she was like yeah no i kind of learned how autistic comics are wow yeah you don't want to play host. You don't want to be somebody's caretaker when you're in your thing. That's your thing, man. Yeah, it's my butthole. I don't know. Let's start over.

He doesn't even know my name. What's your name? Butthole? Marshall Mathers. Hey, listen. No one wants to hear us complain about... Sure they do. What do people want to hear?

I don't know what people want to hear They want to hear an honest, frank conversation It's true We're friends, we've been friends for a long time Let's be frank Ask me anything Alex Broslowski, you're down from New York Down from New York

I came yesterday, got a one-way ticket So I might stay an extended amount of time Or I might leave like tomorrow oh yeah because they think you're a terrorist they're like i don't know this guy might wreck the bus you know like at 9-11 they only bought one-way tickets those fellas is that true yeah i don't know if that's true but now that is i don't know if that's true either yeah but that is what they look at like if you get a one-way ticket it's supposed to look shady oh really yeah like i what they look at. Like, if you get a one-way ticket, it's supposed to look shady. Oh, really?

That's interesting. Like, I've never... But also, I've never booked a one-way ticket ever. I bet, like, going to Israel one way... Well, no, because... No, that's the thing. They, like... My cousin, they give out free one-way tickets

because they want American Jews to move over there. Oh. So my cousin... Boy, now you're stuck, I guess. My cousin did that that's how cheap jews are it's not a bad deal 99 free carry on dude you're gonna you're gonna look back in five years you're gonna listen back in five years and regret saying that five years well because you bought the one-way ticket because you're like depending on how annoying your family

yeah i get i get very irritated with my family. They bring out the worst in me. And so I was like, I don't know when I'm going to go back. So if they bug me, I'm going to leave. But you're staying with your sister. I'm not. I'm staying. I got the house to myself in Reisterstown, Maryland right now.

Wow. My parents are in Cancun. Nice. Spring breaking it up. Your divorced parents took a vacation together. I know. His divorced parents who live together. Your divorced parents took a vacation together. I know. His divorced parents who lived together. Now, let me ask you this.

Did they buy a one-way ticket? Ooh. They might stay in Cancun. That's interesting. Yeah. That would be... What a story that would be if they were like, we're not coming back. And they get married again.

They get married. So, wait. I didn't know this. Your parents are divorced? You didn't know this? No. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Yeah. I'll give you the quick story and then and then they're gonna they're gonna listen to it and then they're gonna be like why did you talk about this they'll listen if you've listened to a past digression sessions that i was on and they like they called out something i said and they were like why are you talking about this and i'm like you shouldn't be listening if you can't handle what i'm saying. Wow. Dang. If you can't. Well, what a line. Well, what? Do you remember what it was? Talking about my dick.

Oh, your uncircumcised dick? Yeah, baby. Yeah, like we made a choice. Well, your mom made a mistake, so what are you going to do? It wasn't a mistake. And there's a lot of people. There's a big movement. There's a lot of people trying to reclaim that chunk of skin. A guy we.

Oh, did we talk about Eric Chocolier or whatever? Probably. So we know a guy who's been stretching out his dick to get the skin back yeah yeah which is but here's the thing you don't get the skin back no you don't get it it's almost as if like if you got really fat and then lost the weight you just have extra skin it looks like that yeah you have disgusting yeah it's like you had a fat dick that lost all the weight. No, no, no. The foreskin itself is not disgusting. I'm talking about the colleague people who have lost a lot of weight that have extra skin.

Disgusting. It's not a pretty sight. Nobody's going to look at that and be like, yeah, that's my alley. In five years, you are going to regret it. You don't think that's anybody's kink? Oh, maybe. All right.

There is a kink for everyone. But I'm just saying there's a reason people get that shit removed. That's Umar's platform. All right. There's a kink for everybody. There really is. There really is. Okay.

So parents, divorce, live together. I didn't know that. Umar, your parents are still together, right? Yeah. All right. I'm just catching up on my friend's parents i didn't know i didn't know are they in love my parents got divorced twice so wow well i mean my so my biological parents and my mom and my stepdad josh yeah how old were you

when your biological parents got divorced oh pretty young josh yeah it makes no sense that you have such a great disposition on life. Would you agree with that? I don't always have a good one. I don't know. You're pretty just adjusting. But for the most part. I do okay.

I mean, I'm nuts for sure. You think so? Yeah. Like about what? Does it show up? Does it show up in your daily life? Not really. Does it show up in your relationships?

I have anxiety and stuff. Yeah, definitely. life um not really i mean i have like i have like anxiety and stuff yeah definitely like i have my own like weird relationship stuff for sure where it's like i don't know sometimes i feel like if like i'll take it too far of being like feeling like disrespected or something or like you ever look in that love language shit oh yeah my love language a lot of is like acts of service and stuff so it'll be like like if karen goes to get it is like acts of service and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it'll be like if Karen goes to get herself a glass of water and I'm like, oh, you didn't think I wanted one? She's like, no. So really, but you're seeing it as like a hate language. You're like, you didn't give me an act of service?

Yeah. You hate me. Give me my act of service. Give me my act of service. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, I'm like, I'm okay. Definitely. From what I came out of, I'm doing well,

but I definitely have some issues. Let's guess Umar's stepping away. I think this is a lot for him. Really? I mean, ironically, he's about to spill the tea. You know what I mean? Let's guess. Don't say it.

Let's guess Umar's love language. All right. So the five that we know of. There's hearing. There's vision. Taste. acts of service gifts uh quality time um physical touch physical touch and i'm missing one um isn't where do you say like verbal words of affirmation words of affirmation yeah uh i like those two sure. Words of affirmation? Yeah, I do too. Well, you should, you beautiful bastard. Umar seems like a quality time guy to me. I need some QT.

I'm thinking words. Definitely. Words of affirmation, Umar? Is that what you need? Oh, I was right. Oh, hell yeah. Well done. I know him better. I know him better but it's weird to me those love language things because like me and kelsey filled it out you know when i was in that

like tumultuous shout out to kelsey shout out to every she is married to the guy who she cheated on me with oh really well yeah they're both right here uh yeah i goo i just googled her one day yeah and i was just like oh my god they're married how crazy is that dang so that's what are you gonna do is that the second x that you've had that's gotten married uh like third wow third wow one got divorced who's that orthodox jewish girl that she got divorced she got divorced and then another girl she got married i don't know why interesting one doesn't get their name mentioned yeah right i should have said kelsey's name but whatever i don't care and uh kelsey is married yeah interesting that's really interesting actually

weird yeah why is it wait hold on why because we're of the age where people are married i know but i hate that like i hate that a lot of people want to just get married because they're supposed to once like maybe they're supposed to once. Maybe they're in love. I don't know. Right. Well, that's what I mean. With three people, it's like, wow, that's awful convenient.

You all, right after me, met the man of your dreams. Well, he's like... What are the fucking odds? He's like Dane Cook in that movie, Good Luck Chuck. Yeah. I was going to say Employee of the Month. Well, that too, because you work hard. You work hard, brother.

You really do. I respect that about you. Acts of service. Yeah, but those love languages are interesting because I would think that everyone's would be quality time. I totally agree. It's weird that any other one, because that's the thing that Matt, to me, obviously, but like, wait.

Good improv exercise there. Oh, were you just no I know I legit have had this thought I thought about that and I was just like why if you're like having these relationship problem like I don't know the whole thing about like life is like you're never on your deathbed and thinking about like all the things you got or all like you know all the accolades you've had but it's just like who the people are in or all like you know all the accolades you've had but it's just like who the people are in your life so we're also spoiled too and that we don't have kids so like the hankins like jess jess and aaron they said they're like the secret to their shit is that they have time away from each other doing the things that they enjoy so when they do come

together they can have that quality time some couples really like being a being a part like they love just being able to just have like their own like tim burton uh i don't know if he's still married to uh what's her name no like they got divorced uh the girl three names oh helena helena bonnie carter she was he had a sweet todd or something yeah like harry potter helena bottom carter he had a separate house for her and the kids and had his own house next door. Yeah. Not a rumor. Fact.

Excuse me. This is not like a gossip column, okay? I remember hearing that. Well, that's why we have you on the show, for that hot New York gossip. And then a lot of married couples have separate bedrooms. Like, that's a very common... My parents still had that.

Well, they're married. While they were married It's murky Because I don't really quite I don't fully understand Their deal What I remember is that we had a very tiny apartment

When we moved to the states Yes I'm an immigrant I'll say it Sorry ICE Try to get me out of here. When Ice is on the podcast next week, they're going to be pissed. Hello, Isis.

They don't like you. So we had a tiny apartment. We were poor. I slept on the couch in the living room. Woof. Yeah. So it was my parents in one bedroom, my sister and my great-grandmother sharing another bedroom,

and then me in the living room on the couch. What is this, like the 1800s in New York? Yeah, man. Did you know that you were poor? I don't know. I guess so. A lot of kids that I work with, I don't know if they realize they're poor. There were clues in elementary school with my friends that I was one of the there were like two kids in the whole class we had to like draw our

backyard and i was like i don't have a backyard so i drew my like deck like like my third floor oh your apartment yeah my part that was in a tiny apartment like i drew the clawfoot tub in our kitchen that i played in i remember in fourth grade i had a friend and i found out she lived in an apartment i was like that's weird yeah yeah i was like i didn't know kids lived in apartments that was my that was my but then in fifth grade my mom hustled real hard made a lot of money bought a house oh and i remember this distinct moment where my sister's like giving me a tour of the house and she's like that's my room that's your room that's mom's room and that's dad's room and i was like oh

well first were you blown away that you get your own room uh that was that was i remember i was probably really pumped about that yeah and maybe that like overshadowed because you're like who gives a shit who gives a shit about this too well i think i just remember thinking like oh when you when you're an adult and you make a lot of money You get your own room Who cares about your partner You get your own space And my mom had like the master suite

Meanwhile you're an adult living in New York Sharing Sharing a loofah with my roommate Do you really Oh god But no good for her for getting the master suite. She's like, I fucking bought this shit. She bought the house, yeah.

Fuck you. Dad got the smallest room. It was her, then my sister, then me, then dad. Yeah, but that kind of makes sense. If you're a mom, the hierarchy, you're going to put your kids before anyone. She put herself first. Well, come on. Kids don't need a master suite

sometimes kids do yeah that's what your mom was saying shots fired a mom you need your own bathroom get out of here yeah um so i just i was just like oh that's that's a normal thing and then like came to realize like oh they're no longer together wow yeah they would fight a lot how long have they not been together before the divorce like what why even get i i believe the divorce happened when we moved here and my dad stayed there and we got like single mother status we got a lot of gifts my mom would make us lie to everybody um yeah she doesn't listen yeah if she does like she has she has to own up to her actions well the last time that i work with do the same thing they'll lie they fucking get like presents for

their kids from different organizations yeah yeah food stamps there's a lot of that dude it's i didn't understand like it all working like in like the city like it almost makes you become a republican you're like what the fuck is going on there is so much waste people just buy cars with their kids disability checks it's nuts yo yeah it's crazy dude yeah people are taking advantage of the system yeah definitely gonna make sure my kid is put in special well i mean i mean umar with your jeans, that's going to happen again. Your jeans are too tight. It's going to fuck your balls up.

Your dick is all fucked up. Dude, it's cooking in there. That's why. I still drink Surge. That's why all these women are marrying other dudes. They're all wearing JNCO jeans. My man. Ooh, Lord.

Lord. Are these all white guys that they're marrying not that it matters yeah i'm just curious yeah these are white women he does cross my mind i'm like oh that is interesting it makes it's and then you see like that fits you know what i mean do you remember this um one time you were like uh kind of seeing a german girl or like there was like flirtation there was interest you remember what you're talking about yeah and i remember saying to you what if she's like never really been around a brown guy before and you didn't really know what i was getting at but i think i was like trying to say like maybe she's never seen a non-white man as a sexual prospect.

But I think that's a very real thing for a lot of people. Sure. Really? Yeah. Yeah. That's it. I'm sorry. They want a little variety.

I'm not even on the radar of a lot of girls just because I'm not white or whatever, but mostly white. But probably the opposite. Yeah. Yeah. But then if they're ready, they're like, ooh, I like this guy. Yeah. This guy drinks tea. Pants are tight.

I think you probably get a lot of points being a white acting brown guy. I think my brother gets way more cool points for being a black acting brown guy. Interesting. That is, I never thought about it. You guys went separate. Wow. I think about brother gets way more cool points for being a black acting brown guy. Interesting. That is... I never thought about it. You guys went separate.

Wow. I think about that a lot. Yeah. All my coworkers... Blink-182 versus, I don't know, being on a black Tumblr. Like, all my coworkers think Raheel is so hot. Raheel literally was on... It was like hot black men...

It was like bearded, hot bearded black men. Wow. A Tumblr page, and he was on there. Oh, man. Wow. A Tumblr page and he was on there. Oh, man. Yeah, but all my coworkers think he's so sexy and cool. And black women, if they find out that you have a thing for black women, they're really into it. And I recently found out that...

So you know how Asian women are the most desired women? Are they? Yeah. Black women are the least desired group of... And Asian men. And Asian women are the least desired. And Asian men. And Asian men are the least desired. Black women and Asian men are the least desired. Yeah.

Interesting. Interesting. And I think they really hate that I have only dated, like, they're always like, nah, he's only into white girls. Right. Like, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah.

It's weird. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, you're allowed to like whoever you like. Yeah. I can't help that I, you know, like're allowed to like whoever yeah i can't help that i you know like older white women yeah you can't help it me and chris allen my buddy chris we were talking about like how we have like a thing for older white chicks and we're just older older

white chicks and i was like god it's nice to hear a black man say that refreshing yeah he's so funny i did uh he's two shows with him at dc improv he killed it was funny though great he was closing out the show and then there are a bunch of people on the show from new york and la and so the comic before him was like hey uh is there anything you want me to plug before i bring you up she's like yeah can you just say a tonight show and joe rogan podcast and i was like you got it oh my god i went over to chris and i was like hey you got it. Oh my God. So I went over to Chris and I was like, hey, Chris, you got any credits? It's a person before he's been on The Tonight Show. He's like, man, no. That's wild.

Now, do you think that, he's like really funny on stage, right? Yeah, yeah. So like, do you think that makes you want to, like, did that make you want to hang out with this guy? Yeah. I guess the question is like, somebody's like stand up-up prowess does

that make you like want to yeah be closer to that person who's not funny and does stand up i can't think of one person i hang out with that's a stand-up that isn't but i think is funny i feel like it is kind of rare though that somebody is super funny on stage and they suck off stage like usually you know what i mean yeah i mean what do you... I don't mean like... I could name, like, several people. Like a good hangout, I mean. Not like they're good people, but like... Oh.

Yeah, maybe. But, like, fun to talk to. That's... Sure. Yeah. I disagree. Really? Yeah.

I think, though, it's the opposite, though. I think it is rare that someone sucks onstage and is a good hang. Oh, yeah, yeah. That is. Because you're just not aware of anything. And, yeah, you're just, just like trying too hard to be cool but uh i don't know how chris and i became friends but because we like we're on a show a couple shows together and we just started like like like uh interacting on facebook and then we like dude we talk to each other every sunday we call each other we talk about

our weekend of shows and stuff really nice yeah every sunday almost like every sunday we call each other yeah did he start that or did you every day yeah who started that did that do you start that or did he i think he called me he's like hey can you talk because he's like usually on the he opens it for mark norman a lot man that's so smart what just like the the like um staying connected and like like the fact that you're both stand-ups and like call each other yeah it's great and we always complain about the same things like oh my god i'm too scared to ask I'm staying connected and like, like the fact that you're both standups and like call each other. Yeah. It's great.

And we always complain about the same things. Like, Oh my God, I'm too scared to ask someone this. And he's like scared. And he's like, Oh, Mark chewed me out this weekend.

Cause I don't, he's like, you've been doing the same jokes for two years. And, and like, uh, and then, you know,

like Mark Norman choose somebody out and like, come on, what are you doing? Come on. What are you doing? Same jokes go off here, but yeah. oh boy no i know actually yeah i do know what you mean like where there are some people that are just psychopaths where they can present as normal people on stage and then off stage there are people who are really good at comedy and you're like you understand like i don't know i i'm, like, hosted that Big Hunt, the festival at Big Hunt,

and I work with people who are, like, on the up and up, and, like, they're, like, they're really good comedians. They're just terrible people, and they have this weird drive. Like, it's almost. You have to have it, though. Weird autism where they're, like, dude, like, this girl was so worried about. She, like, it was... She was complaining about... She was like, I got to check Twitter.

I don't know. These trolls are just coming after me. And I don't know. It's just such a narcissistic thing. And I was like, you can just ignore the comment. She's like, well, what if they go after my family and dox me? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's constantly name dropping and all this and that.

And it's just like, oh, you are not a normal person. Dude, that's interesting. And then when you meet people like Tim Dillon, he's not a normal person. He's very funny and he's going really far. Yeah, it's like you don't have to do the name dropping thing. Like when I worked with Jeremy Piven, Jeremy, but we had such a nice day. Germs. Germ.

Me and Jay. Jay Pivs. Yeah, but I think... Wait, when you worked with him? Oh, it wasn't much. It was just for the joke. There's people like that in the local scene, too. You can see that drive and I think it's necessary. I don't have it and I don't like being around it.

I haven't been around you in the comedy world for years but i wonder if other people see people do that in you yeah both of you guys yeah i think people say the same thing so uh this guy shakes hands with everybody you know what i mean i'm still shaking hands yeah you're good to see you some dude just walked in just shook his hand yeah i've been called uh uh cagey whatever i don't know what that means like isn't cagey you kind of kick stand off yeah but i do that there's people i don't want to talk to sure but that's just like at my job there's people i don't want to talk to just like

when you were at a playground there's kids that you don't like you don't talk to them and you're choosing you're choosing to to like honor that you're choosing to like i i don't want to talk to them i'm i'm gonna you're you're like okay with the social consequence of like being deemed not really i've been like a little more friendly ish or not friendly i feel like i'm friendly but like i don't know now i'm like i force myself into conversations that i don't want to be in why i just don't want people to think i'm an asshole yeah you don't want to be a so i i have the problem of like trying to be a human of being like because you want to be nice but at some point i'm i'm very empathic so if it's i feel like this is like draining me you know like i can't really pursue

it a bunch yeah and then you don't want to be that like fake person you're like oh tell me more yeah and you're like i don't really care but there's not that many people around that i have that with where i'm just like this is gonna be a total bummer well we don't do those shows anymore yeah so i i went to an open mic in baltimore a couple weeks ago and i thought it started at seven but it started actually at nine so i showed up yeah right so it was on a wednesday so i showed up at like 8 40 i was like hopefully i can just kind of like slide on at the end of the show just do five minutes i just wanted to like

work on some new stuff just to say it but i get there and they're like oh no like we're starting in like 20 minutes and like oh and they're like it was mostly comics and maybe like six non-comics and i was like oh i'm gonna go like there's no reason for me to really like hang it like this isn't beneficial to me to do stand up to other comics right six people that aren't really paying attention yeah you're past that point well yeah i mean if i had like if i was really excited about an idea but it was like this is just some like bullshit stuff that i'm just gonna say the words like right it's gonna bomb who cares but uh but yeah so i saw uh chris hudson last night he was at the mic and uh i was talking to this guy travis this photographer

and uh he showed up to the show wind up early and i was like oh yeah i did that a couple weeks ago down the street and then i ended up leaving and uh chris hudson was like yeah i knew uh yeah i knew that but to everybody else it looked like you just kind of peeked your head in and just left and i was like that is what i did i don't care like i don't know i have other shit like it's cold out i want to go home watch final table in bed with my girlfriend just like then you're gonna feel like you go up you feel like shit like yeah killer taught me that like he's like dude sometimes you just gotta know when to not right you just gotta know when to quit and like it's that same energy self-care yeah exactly exactly so it's

like there's a lot of articles on self-care by the way no shade to those people but it's like yeah this isn't worth it to me like right yeah yeah this isn't helping me it's funny too like people have to post their like self-care uh trajectory or progress i I'm like, yeah, I feel like you're not really doing this right. You want likes for yourself. You're commodifying your self-care with likes. It's so stupid. People are so interesting. That's where we're at. By interesting, I mean fake.

Yeah, I feel like yoga and meditation have... I truly believe that that can really help the quality of your life maybe sure and i i really like wish i did that regularly but i also do see people using it and also like like i know this i work with a guy that meditates every day and then i see him when kids we like have a meeting in this in this auditorium space and when kids walk through he'll scream he'll be like ah ah ah turn around sit down and meditate like it's stupid motherfuckers and i'm like uh and then get your

chakras in line you're lucky pal all right All right? He'll reference how. My heart stone is closed. He'll reference how. He's like, I just need to meditate today. And it's like, well, then it's not really working if you're like that. Those people are so lame. Maybe it could be worse, though. But maybe not. Maybe.

Alex, you should be like those people on Instagram. But you don't actually do it. So you're like, hey, guys, maybe do yoga. I mean, I don't do it, but it seems great. I'm so busy. I wish I had time for it. But you guys, if you have time, you should do it. Everybody starts those videos the same.

Does he post about it? He's older. He's not a social media guy, but he will talk about it a lot. I found that when I was doing it, and I stopped because it didn't add anything to my life. Just working out, comedy, hanging out, that shit, I think, helps me more than anything.

It's a form of meditation, too, though. Yeah, I guess, whatever. And that's the thing. Now, mindfulness is this big umbrella, and everyone has to put everything under it because there's a big money-making thing on, you know, people sell like, you like uh you go to these conferences and you learn how to deal with work stress or home stress and you take all these yoga retreats and all these silent retreats and shit like meditation silent retreats so there's a it's a it's a big money making

industry now so they want yeah they they try to inject mindfulness into everything isn't that wild like people pay thousands of dollars just to not talk for two weeks. Oh, dude. It's funny. It's the most privileged bullshit. It's so crazy. Dude, but we have like, and now they always try to get black teens or kids in the city. They're like, I see the videos all the time.

They're like, we introduced yoga and meditation to a school in Baltimore. And they showed all the- And they would not stop making fun of us. Yeah, exactly. We had to. They roasted us. Stop calling me a cracker-ass motherfucker. They looked at our yoga mats and said, what are those?

We were so roasted. We had to make it. And they show all these stats like, oh, like the grades went up, behavior improved. I don't believe any of that because we have that stuff in my school. Dude, they hate it. More fights happen in that meditation yoga room than any other place. The people running the class don't know anything they're doing. They are so mean to the kids.

They'll tell them stuff like, well like well that kid's gonna end up in jail they're that's a bad kid if they don't get their stuff together bad yoga yeah and also he's he's a white guy downward he's like a jewish white guy he grew up like going to super rich schools and uh he like tries to show them all these videos about slavery and the prison school to prison pipeline this is a yoga class i can get and all the teachers like what the fuck is this yeah dude yeah and it's just like but they're gonna publish a study because they're doing a study and they're gonna say that like they improved all this and all that and all this it's fucking crazy yeah and i'm like and that's why we need more funding bringing this

fat ass monk named tree tree doesn't identify as like any gender identifies as a tree and it's just like oh my god what the fuck what is like what are we doing this is crazy town are you saying they're like are they juking the the i don't know what juking like uh juking the stats like yeah i i think it's all bullshit yeah i feel like they because then they want to get money they're not going to get more funding if they're like this you didn't work at all. You don't get grants unless you show. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I don't know. It's like you're not going to solve poverty with meditation, which is so funny. But it's all these people who get into it and they think it's like maybe it helps you, but you are already like an educated person. That's the thing. Therapy really only works with educated people dude the i oh man i don't know if i want to talk shit about my my job but i will no one's uh yeah i mean i just talk shit about a guy who comes to my shows all the time i yeah suck it tree like it's a tree it's a it's an after-school program like wrapped in social group work theory and the way we like discipline kids is like

so bizarre like it like they just like talk to them as if they're like adults they're just like now do you see like why we can't hit each other in the face like and how old are these kids middle school okay so they're like they're like kind of there but also like the population we're working with i think are like behind right uh developmentally and they're more like fourth and fifth grade a lot of them i was gonna say but you're basically still in elementary school you know like if you're a lot of them a lot of them are basic yeah yeah like a lot of them are basically they're like fourth and fifth grade right so like to like talk to them be like okay now are we gonna make better decisions next time right like and they've heard the speech so many times that they just like are

like all right i just gotta get through this and then i'm just gonna hit that guy again yeah yeah well lecturing doesn't work like kids get lecture to all the it never i see it all the time like we'll bring in like community leaders you know it's like almost like it's like a pastor like yelling like kind of like yeah i don't want to impersonate like a black person if your brother can do it you can't do it he does speak that way listen here umar as my little brother you are my little brother on that hill mom and dad need us more than ever before they have diabetes mom wants you to get some chickpeas from the store do you have extra gift wrap christmas is coming up

he would never say that right yeah he guilted we talked about that last time oh yeah we never got into it though but all right just folks listen to the last episode it was a josh newmar solo when the last time you were here remember the swear jar and the oh yeah yeah when was that that was a year ago no it was summer summertime summertime where the living's easy. Wait, how does that song go? Yep, that's it. Summertime and the living's easy. Bradley's on the microphone at Ross MG. All I need is a microphone at Ross MG. It's the only song that I knew like every single word. Wow. That's Sublime.

Jesus. Yeah. Chris Allen actually referenced the Sublime song. We get it. You love Chris Allen. He's the new Alex Bersovsky. I know, right? Jeez, get a podcast with Chris Allen.

Call him every Sunday. He might be called Blackie, but spelled like Packie, Blackie. Oh, that's good. I like that. Ooh. I hope Josh can handle that. Are you planning on moving back to Baltimore?

No, I am not going to move back to Baltimore. I'm not going to complain about that podcast, too. I'm just like, ugh, Blackie's really taking off. I hate Blackie. No, I'm not going to move back to Baltimore. I can't see myself ever moving back. I wish I moved, man. Keep moving forward, man.

I mean, I don't know what forward is. I think it's just like something different. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, every time I come here, it's exciting to see you guys. It's exciting to see a handful of friends. Right. My family's fine.

Yeah. You got a nephew? I got a nephew. It's exciting to see him he sucks at the drums dude yeah he's i know and i was gonna talk to you because you are a pretty good drummer uh i do okay you do okay you're much better than my nephew listen and i was gonna have you try to like really break down what's what he's doing wrong we should because he sucks yeah jesus and i like why are you guys posting that shit online are you you shaming? I'm shaming him.

Hey guys, this is my shitty name. It really is. It's not cute watching kids be bad at instruments. No? No, I'm kidding. It is. Yeah. I get so many responses to those videos.

I can't not post stuff with my nephew. Oh, yeah. Social media gold. Dude, I would hang out with my friend allison's kid oh my god people thought i was like dating uh my co-worker allison and like raising her kid it was so funny well yeah you would post a lot of pictures my other co-workers would be like are you yeah fucking even our boss asked her that are you dating umar and i was an intern well because you guys would be at like dinner and shit. Yeah, that is true.

It's not hard to assume that. Yeah, that's true. But for us, it was just a friendship. Sure. I'm just saying what it looks like. Yeah. Anytime you see guy and gal always hanging out. Are you ready to take care of a kid? No. Okay.

Josh, put that kid back. Do you have a kid you want us to take it yeah yeah i found him i don't know what to do so that's what that box with holes i found a kitten in a wall oh i saw that you keep it no i didn't keep put it back in the wall huh but i it's no but not much better not much better and i'm gonna get a lot of flack for this but it it's too good of a story to pass up. So just to catch people up, for people who have no clue, which is most of your listener base,

in my building in Brooklyn, we have a washer and dryer in the basement and my roommate's doing laundry. He hears like a animal noise. He just hears like a meow, meow, meow. like it's like coming from like within the wall so he like he like comes get he comes to get me yeah and we're like downstairs and we're like what the hell is this yeah why is there like a creature in the walls you didn't assume cat at first i assumed cat at first but then right away i was like maybe raccoon maybe a possum which i've seen making a weird

maybe a rat yeah so i didn't know what it was so it was like all right we got to save this like living creature from the wall so i got a hammer and i was like all right i'm gonna smash this wall and you my roommate i told my roommate you're on door duty. If something comes at us, you close the door. Because I didn't know what the fuck it was. Right. Also, what if you had bashed the kitten in? I thought about that too. You didn't know that it was a kitten?

I did not know it was a kitten. I actually called my friend Patrick, who's amazing with animals and knows a lot of stuff about, like, facts about every animal. And I had, I had him listen to the sound. I like put the phone on speaker and I was like, what is this? And he was like, I think it's a cat.

He like was pretty confident. It was a cat. Patrick. Yeah. Patrick's really good. You're connected to another, like a part is you think like, this is the basement where like the laundry room is.

Yeah. You were doing laundry. Yeah. Wow. How crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so my roommate heard it like for an hour, basically. basement where like the laundry room is yeah you were doing laundry yeah wow how crazy yeah yeah um so my roommate heard it like for an hour basically and then was like all right something's weird here like i gotta do something about this um so i get a hammer i smash smash the wall um and the the the sound is intensified and so what we do is we like but it's like so narrow

you like can't put your hand in there right so what we what we did was like put a phone in recorded it looked at it and saw that it was like a tiny kitten wow yeah i have a video it's like your scope like yeah yeah yeah yeah so i was like how do we get this cat out and i like worried about like yeah just like killing it fucking them up trying to get them out of the hole so it was like we were like crafting a way to like figure out a way like because it would i'd have to like start smashing all the way down and we're like we're like we're like nervously like mapping it out and then the cat the kitten just like popped up wow and uh i mean this is not not good like radio but yeah i posted a video of like the cat just like in the fucking

hole of the wall what a good time to plug your social media yeah at alex broslovsky 420 365 i freaked out my dog. Boo thinks there's a cat. Karen, we have a guest. Kern. Special guest. Kern. Hey, we're just recording a podcast.

Yeah. Very professional podcast. Hi. Hey. Karen just got back from her bar class oh that's where you exercise yes all right right really flexible like a bartending class nah b-a-r-r-e that's it there's so many weird workout classes good for mindfulness which honestly i'm so into now uh her and her friend lauren did a trampoline class the other day.

And they did it at our house here in Baltimore, the place, letter R house. And actually, it was on the second story of that. It's like surrounded by glass. So I could see them from the intersection just like bouncing on trampoline. Like what a weird, like the amount of like workout classes there are now where it's like not just exercise. Everything is so nuanced. You got to have your own trampoline like what weird like the amount of like workout classes there are now where it's like not just exercise but it's like you gotta have it you gotta have your own trampoline yeah and then it's weird to me when i meet people who don't work out i feel like everyone works out right if i barely work if i don't do it but i need to i get really bummed out i should really

quit comedy and just work out a bunch of the best part of being sick is like you don't feel guilty about not work going to the gym. I love when I'm sick. I come home from work, I get home at 3, and I'm just on the couch. You have a nice break from working out. Yeah, I feel great about not working out. Yeah, maybe you get a little sickness.

Get down with it. Get down with it. So the kitten, right? Yeah. So the kitten is in the wall. I find a way to pull it out. What's up? I need to talk. So the kitten, right? Yeah. So the kitten is in the wall. You're working on it. I find a way to like pull it out. What's up?

Oh, it's in the office in my book bag. So I saved this kitten from the wall. Yeah. Felt great. Got a lot of responses on the social media. Everybody's like, oh my God, you saved a kitten. And it's like three weeks old three or four weeks old i'm guessing wow like probably hasn't even been weaned yet like i didn't know

how to feed it how the fuck did it get in there you know question mark i think our guess is that like the floorboard above like was like happened to like be pulled open uh-huh it just tumbled down tumbled down like just or maybe like a mom cat went to like hide to have her kitten somewhere like a stray yeah but how did we how did this one kitten yeah no there's not like a whole litter maybe yeah i don't know so anyway so we keep it overnight and i'm like we gotta get rid of this cat i'm not gonna like take care of like what are you gonna name it wally yeah we called it actually called it wallaby oh okay i like that she was very cute very sweet um and we can i can uh why don't i'll send you a picture for uh for the for this episode yeah

all right it will be me and it'll be like the three of us and then the kid wallaby dude check it out big heads so where is the cat now great question josh thanks so in the morning the plan was yeah oh my god uh do you have to do i've lied to so many people about this oh no we're gonna dig such exclusive first in radio oh wow there you go uh so so. So I'm supposed, like the plan was to take it to an animal hospital in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. I talked to a vet there. She's a friend of a friend. And she was like, yeah, we don't really take strays, but yeah, bring her in and we'll figure it out.

So I take her on the train in my book bag. I put like a blanket in a book bag. Very cute. And the cat's just meowing nonstop on the train. And people are like looking. People are like, what the fuck's going on? And you just hear like, meow, meow, meow, meow, like nonstop. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, this is the longest train ride of my life.

And I get pretty close. It was like a 40's longest train ride of my life um and i get pretty close it's like it was like a 40 minute train ride did you think about leaning into being one of those crazy train people and being like this only take a minute i am homeless i do not do drugs i do have a kid in my bag it needs milk so i get pretty close and then this um i'd say like maybe like 30 something year old black woman comes up to me yeah she seems very very sweet and she's like oh i'm i was wondering what that noise was yeah and she's like talking to me and we're having a conversation and she's like very excited about the fact that i have a kitten in my bag and dude i like explain this she's like

um are you keeping her blah blah and i'm like I tell her like we found her in a wall and and I'm like no I'm gonna take it to the animal hospital and hopefully they'll find a home for it and she just goes do you want me to take it and I was like uh do you want her and she's like hmm

I don't know and she like takes I like give it to her like to like put on her lap she's like falling in love with it and we get to the stop uh-huh like i'm like three minutes three minute walk away from like dropping this cat off and being done with it and and she's just like you know what i'll take her and i'm like you sure and she's like oh my god all right good luck it's fine you know i think so too uh but i think there's a lot of judgment oh josh is shaking his head i think a lot of people are super weird about uh like not having like a vetting process for where

the cat goes because as far as like i don't know this woman i didn't get her name i don't know where she lives sure she could be like a an insane person she could be a really bad pet owner there's a lot of cats but you know also better than like being in a wall and like dying so there you go so it's like an upgrade perspective so i i gave it got home and just put it in a wall we could have saved a fucking cat. Oh, dude. Yeah, we tried. There used to be this cat that would always come to our porch. So Josh started feeding it. So we'd just have a bowl out.

And then it brought a bunch of other cats around. Yeah, yeah. But we named it. And we were like, hey, where's Totoro? Yeah. Totoro. Like John Totoro. Yeah, because of, what was that show?

Night Of. Night Of was out on HBO. And John Totoro, he had a cat, but he was allergic to it. And I'm allergic to cats. And so I was like, well, I don't want to bring this guy inside, so I'll just feed him. But he would be in the window all the time or be in the bushes. Really cute. And we didn't see him for like a week.

Yeah. And then I saw a flattened fur thing in front of the house. And I was like, there he thing in front of the house. It was just flat. It was in the shape of it, but it was just super flat. You know for sure. It was like a paper cutout that someone laid down of a cat and put fur on. It was nuts.

I sent it to Karen. I was like, oh, I found Totoro. She was like, Jesus Christ. Why didn't you warn me? I sent it to my friend Allison, the one with the cane. And she was fucking pissed off. Because I didn't think how sad it is. I think we're just very desensitized people.

We just clearly have seen some shit in our lives. We can handle that stuff. I grew up as a kid going to Rotten.com. Yes. Let's get a high... Dude, yeah. I remember seeing a picture of a dude's head smushed in between the subway platform and the subway car.

He fell in between it and his head was smashed in there. Two things I remember is a video of a morbidly obese woman laying naked on a bed, spreads her legs open, pulls out a bloody tampon and puts it in her mouth. Okay, I saw that same picture, Alex. Alright, that's good. You know what I'm saying?

She celebrated the new house. That's why she needed that master suite. I gotta up my rotten.com videos I need the biggest room Yeah Yeah I think I

For my fat ass My damn butt I don't know what kind of damage I've done to myself Watching the worst possible Oh yeah Content out there Executions

Oh yeah Have you ever seen Faces of Death? Oh yeah Dude That little girl gets hit by a train I've seen so much train shit also do you see the video the guy is killing someone with a hammer oh yeah whatever oh yeah what are what are people gonna think about us who gives a shit but um they're the one that i that i really i

couldn't i couldn't do it i was like it was like bothering me was that there was like this gauntlet that my friend sent me where you just like see how many videos how many levels you can go and it's like level one is like barely anything like it's not it's just like like somebody like poking like their eyeball or something like that and then it keeps going up and up

and you go to like level 30 the person with the hammer yeah they found like this homeless man and they just beat him to death with a hammer Jesus Christ. I did not get all the way. I don't know if I saw the video, but I saw some of the pictures. You listened to the audio book, right?

Yeah. That's how I go to bed at night. That's my ASMR. Audible.com. Yeah. It's a nice soothing podcast. The Faces of Death. Yeah.

Audible.com. NPR's Faces of Death. I'm Terry Gross. Another one I remember is like, oh, this is gross. Let's do that. A fucking like, another fatPR is basically the best. I'm Terry Gross. Another one I remember is like, oh, this is gross. Let's do that. Let's do that. A fucking like another fat woman. That's a good idea.

Who was in a tub and had her legs over her head and was shooting shit out of her face. Into her, out of her ass, into her face. It was, there's a name for that. Was she giving herself colonics? Yeah. No, yeah. I remember it was like a fat Asian woman. Yeah.

That one is probably the most memorable in my mind. That is gnarly. I'll never forget that picture. I remember thinking like, and that's what we would do at sleepovers when I was 11 years old. Yeah. I remember in college. I remember seeing two girls, one cup for the first time.

Yeah. I was so fucking grossed out. Yeah. That was the first viral thing. Yeah. I remember the reactions. It was the first viral thing like yeah i remember like the reactions it was the reactions oh yeah yeah yeah uh like they were famous people i can remember like um mark the roots mars volta oh yeah people would like record like themselves watching dr drew did in uh i don't know they recorded it yeah yeah reaction videos are all the rage i it's a guilty pleasure of mine like people there's a thing i've been watching um i don't know why but black

youtubers do bill burr videos reactions they do they react to everything there's what they've been doing a bunch have been doing bill burr videos and it's like it honestly is crazy because they're making money off of someone else's content yeah yeah because they're getting hundreds of thousands of views yeah but it is entertaining it's so entertaining black people laugh it's great i got into it that's how much i love black people yeah exactly you want to see their joy this girl this girl kind of mocked me for like being into it she was like why are you watching people react stuff and i was like i like thought about it i was like the the reason i like it is because it's like basically like introducing somebody to something i thought the same thing like if i'm like hey

check out this thing i really like umar and josh yeah you guys watch and you get some kind of joy out of it yeah is so amazing there's this one video of a guy, this black guy, listening to Bohemian Rhapsody for the first time. And it's incredible. He's just like, I like that. Oh, the harmonies. And it's so delightful. Like 10 minutes. He's so genuine about it, right?

Yeah. He's like, this is great. The greatest part of my job is showing middle schoolers shit that i like yeah and them being into it they're not always into it right like they watched truman show which i thought would be like really cool and some of them liked it there was this one guy was like man uh deadpool is better truman is a pendejo which is like an amazing thing to say what a great review truman is a pendejo asshole ihole. I think it's like a piece of shit. That's so funny.

Yeah. That movie is... I just watched that movie for the first time recently. Really? Truman Show? Yeah. It was good, but I didn't live up to the hype. You watch it too late in life, I think. Really? Yeah. It's like if I watch Star... I haven't seen Star Wars.

I haven't really either, and I don't think they're good movies. Never seen the original trilogy. I don't think I would enjoy it today. It's stupid. You have to lock it into your kid brain. That's what's so crazy. I don't understand how everyone just doesn't see that you just liked it because you were a kid. That's a nostalgia thing.

It's impossible to separate. Dunst and Checks in was my favorite movie as a kid. Oh, my God. With the orangutan. Great Jason Alexander vehicle. It has a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah. Also, who's reviewing that?

It's for kids. It's about a monkey at a fucking hotel. But still. But some kids' movies like Paddington 2 got like 100% or something like that. Right, right. But I think there's a lot of like payola now with that too of being like – Peyote too. You got to take peyote to watch kids' movies.

Peyote the bear. But no, like paying critics to write like nice shit. Oh, you think so? Yeah, totally. Amazon, like reviewers that happens to, like people can pay to write Amazon reviews. I pay people to say that mindfulness helps inner city teenagers.

I think that helps mindfulness. How long are we at? What are we doing here? Four hours. Oh my god. We still got a few minutes. We're at about 50 minutes. I don't want to talk about me

killing, but I do want to talk about me killing but i do want to talk about uh you bombing uh well i did bomb last night i bombed right before josh you didn't bomb oh it felt like a bomb it was so i found crowd was so i found out if you were not concerned about his feelings at all would you say he bombed uh no okay no like you didn't bomb i mean so the room have you ever seen him bomb? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, we've... Yeah, definitely. We've seen each other. I want to set the baseline.

It's all in the game. Dude, but I hit all the time when I bomb. Yeah, yeah, he does. Like all the time. That's fair. But also, we had that show where we almost got in a fight with that guy. It was my...

Oh, my God. Like, that was at... 13.5. Yeah, the wine bar down the street. Did we tell you about that? No. But it was like a variety show, but it was uh it was like a variety show but it was mostly bands and like micah kids and uh i went in and i think i was like a little

late or something like that and i was gonna grab a beer and i was feeling like a little flustered and then the dude was on stage and he's like all right we're gonna do comedy now so uh josh kaderna and then you were like no no i got like you wanted to go and like bring me up i was like oh cool that's good because there was like no it was just like bands and now comedy and so like you were really nice and brought me up but everybody was packed in there and everybody's talking dude it was nuts it was reminds me of uh leafy green's show i got from years ago remember you got kicked off the stage yeah it's like we're done with you oh you're right oh buddy just to get their attention oh i was was that like seven years ago eight years ago eight years ago yeah

but yeah i was i just didn't want to fight for their attention and uh i think i was like four minutes in and i just quit i looked over you i was like i even said into the mic i was like i don't want to do this i don't have to do this right yeah and you were like i guess not and i was like all right i'm done and then i just got off stage and I was so fucking annoyed. And I was like, dude, I got to get out of here. I'm fucking pissed. And then you texted me. You're like, that fucking sucked.

Oh, dude, I almost fucking. And you were like, I almost got in a fight. Yeah, I almost fought a guy. I was yelling at everyone. I like been, I am trying to calm down, but i've been really going after crowds because i've noticed like people just this like there's been like an uh uptick in audience members like yelling out feeling comfortable calling you like just saying shit to you and it's really bothering me and i don't like it like it happened to me last night i was uh i was wrapping up my set and i was just

setting up a premise i was like um you know like when you get together people play the numbers game like oh how many people have you sex yes some lady just went no one does that like said it like that and i was just like why and then i just i was like why would you what do you why would you say that like you're being rude why yeah why would you say that? You're being rude. Why? Yeah. Why would you say that? And I was just like, and I said to her, I was like, hey, you're here. You said that? Well, there was only like eight people in the room. Why did you say that?

Yeah. I was just like, and then I said, and I was like, you're here to support a comic, right? And she's like, yeah, i'm here to see my boyfriend and i was like so then why are you yelling out if you know that you should shut the fuck up yeah and then i said like would you interrupt a play like would you go to a play and interrupt it and then she went probably and i was like and i was like i gotta give her credit for that i'm consistent she's like i'm a piece of shit all around dude it's just like you wouldn't you just would you're just saying that. Yeah.

And then I just like, I didn't even finish the show. I was just like, you did a bad thing or something. I was like, you were being rude. And anyway, I got to go. And then like, and this, the week before, two weeks before, I was at Big Hunt. Everyone was talking. Like, as soon as I got on stage and I called them out and I tanked my set. And then I've, you know, jokes.

I've yelled at people multiple times. Like like they think it's okay to yell out it's yeah really fucking with me because it's like dude like I just want to tell my jokes I'd love doing this thing and you're doing it for them like I mean really you're doing it for yourself but you're trying to put on a good show but you're you're trying to make them laugh you're trying to make them feel good inside maybe some of my jokes hit her the wrong way i don't right i wasn't doing anything crazy offensive but it's just like what in your head comedians are enemy number one right now and then i went to go see aziz at uh and sorry yeah and sorry and uh what are you sorry oh sorry sorry he is his new hour is not good i'm sorry but his hours before aziz i'm sorry but uh there was a guy in the balcony there was a guy in the balcony who yelled during Aziz, I'm sorry. This isn't working for me. Aziz, why? I'm sorry.

What? What? Why? I'm trying to bring up the house. What? Why? But there's so much of this. And this guy at the Z show is like, dude, people paid.

We paid a lot of money to go to this. Well, we didn't because we got lucky. But people paid like 90. His tickets were going for like $90. Yeah, really nice theater. Dude, the guy who gave us tickets, it was insane. Because Karen and I started doing this thing where we just buy tickets day of. People are desperate.

But this guy, he sold us two tickets. We probably could have got four tickets for $120. Damn. Each ticket was going for $90 online. And we got two for, I don't know. Two for grace. I think our tickets were like we went with two for grace our tickets were like a hundred bucks or something and so the guy is just like

yeah can you just paypal me and karen's like oh i only do venmo he's like oh whatever uh i sent you the tickets just mail me a check mail me a check what do you probably did we did yeah we're good yeah you could have easily been like yeah i don't even have checks i actually i don't know if she did i'm assuming she did she's a good person you gotta check with her and i gotta check check well done anyway there's a guy in the balcony who kept yelling he yelled i'm sorry there are four comics there's a host two openers and aziz yeah he yelled during every single one he was told to stop during every single one and he just did. And it's just like, yeah,

told, told by who? The comics, every comic. And before the show, they said, if you yell out, you will get kicked out.

And I, the staff was like, Aziz, I'm sorry, you can't do that. Yeah. And you saw about putting his hands down women's throats. Um,

but it's just like, why didn't they just kick that guy out like just kick him out right being a bad person i think being but i think bad person that theater isn't used to kicking people out right there's uh there's symphonies and orchestras there like what the fuck is this like they should you're totally right but i but i've have you noticed like have do you have you noticed that improv shows like people just i and i think it's this whole call-out culture like well i don't know yeah whatever this motherfucker that's a i have a right to yell out it's very rare in improv and sketch that i mean sketch actually they're just watching but improv it does happen like in a blue

moon and usually it's like one like comment it. Like if like the improviser is like crafty about like, it's like, hey, your neighbors are talking really loudly. Let's just make sure that we close the window and we never hear

the neighbors again. They sound fucking nuts. Yeah. And then that usually like gives them, but I have heard like drunk audience members like talking during the show.

They're not really like calling out to the improviser very often, but they will talk. They're treating it like tea. That becomes a very delicate thing because as a performer, with sketch and improv, it's a little weird because it's really hard to address without breaking the fourth wall. You break character.

With stand-up, you address it and it's like, dude, you're an adult being a cunt and then if I tell you to stop talking so then it makes the audience weird it's tough to recover from that too because the whole thing about stand-up is like this is my these are my fun observations you're like shut the fuck up and pay attention you don't do it like right but even if you're just like hey man you need to stop talking people are like whoa why are you being so aggressive? And it's just like, and I will, I've had this conversation with myself many a times.

I will tank. I am okay with tanking sets. I want people to know that you cannot talk. And I want, like, I hope that woman felt really bad last night. So does it ever catch you in a way where you can roll with it? Yeah, if you're being nice. But that woman wasn't with it. Yeah. If you're being nice. But that woman wasn't being nice.

Right. But sometimes even if I'm in a good mood and they're being shitty, like, it catches me in a way where I can kind of handle it. Yeah. But most of the time, it is tough, though, because once you're, like, fucking pissed in your mind, it's so hard to have a poker face and be like, okay. You know, like, let's just roll with it. Like, even last night, like, where I got up on stage and this group of people came in late and they're like they're talking across the room so what happened was they're all work friends i know they all worked with gary okay who gives a fuck i know i'm not saying that he's giving the backstory yeah sorry what i'm just saying is that like they all work i doubt they've ever been to a

stand-up show before and they think they're like oh it's just garrett's like thing with his friends you know what i mean like it's it's them being it doesn't really look like a real show it's them being disrespectful for sure but they're treating it like if you're like playing guitar up there like they're just they're like whatever yeah yeah and i there's that yeah like and it is shitty you're right but i'm just saying like i'm not mean right away but last night that chick is just being mean. She was like, you're ruining a joke. Yeah. Also, it'd be like, no, no one does that. It's like, yeah, this is stand up.

Yeah. Also, like, even if they don't, who cares? People have done that. I definitely ask people like, oh, how many people have been? We've done that game. Isn't there a whole. People play that game. Yeah.

Isn't there a whole movie? It's called like, what's your number or something like that? I have no idea. Fuck. Who was that? Yeah. It's some weird rom-com thing. I think she just wanted to antagonize you. Yeah. Yeah.

Because before I did some Me Too jokes. There you go. Right away she decided that you're a scumbag. But they were all in favor of the bitches or cunts, right? There was a time where I was like, do you guys believe all women? Women are always the first people to say no. It's so crazy. And you always open with bitches or cunts, right?

That's a bit you're doing. Yeah. I'm not saying all cunts are bitches, but all bitches. Yeah. I don't know. White bitches be like... It's really frustrating. They're a cat in this wall.

Bob's master sweet. Like Louis C.K. what i mean it's really frustrating they're a cat in this wall like uh sweet like louis ck like he was on stage a couple weeks ago and some woman uh yelled out like show me your dick right and then all these people wrote articles like this woman's a badass she's fucking what like she's like uh she's a hero yeah she's a hero it's like or she's a stupid cunt who didn't like just follow the policy that the comedy seller set. And it's just like, there's a lot of people who want to see him do jokes. If you are not one of those people,

you can leave. And they have a policy that they'll just take care of your whole check if you just get up and leave. And then, so it's like, we don't know that woman's backstory.

Like if she was involved. We don't need to know her backstory. But if there's like maybe some weird sexual harassment thing happened to her or something. Like, I don't know. I'm not saying it's right. But like maybe she didn't just do it just to be like, I'm woke Queen Bey. You know what I mean? I don't know.

I don't understand like why if you're an adult. Like he wasn't charged with anything. Yes, he did bad things but at what point can a guy or anyone a woman like uh you know like there's people who want to see him it's a free country yeah you can be able to do his show and she should leave yeah like just leave if you're at a show and something bothers you just leave leave. That's the adult. Or also, here's the thing. If you're an adult, you can hear things that you don't necessarily agree with, or you can just shut the shit there.

I'm just saying it's different where it's not like I don't agree with his opinions when it's like a weird sexual thing, like misconduct thing. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, not saying what she's doing is right, but I don't know. There's so much of that stuff that goes on. Yeah. So I don't know. Yeah. It's not saying what she did was right, but I don't know. There's so much of that stuff that goes on. Yeah. So I don't know. Yeah.

But it's just crazy that we're rewarding bad adult behavior. And people are going to put it under like, well, there was no justice served and he ruined people's lives. It is a weird thing. Which I don't know if i believe that uh narrative either i the people that worked under him i definitely that's my biggest thing and that he lied about it for so long like if it's no big deal why the fuck did you lie about it forever yeah for sure and then doing it to people that work below you when you're the head writer and be like hey come in here and close the door and i'm gonna is it okay if i jerk off in front of

you it's like yeah you're my boss is this the first time you guys have talked about this on the show no i think we talked about it like rarely when it first happened we never really gotten into it yeah yeah welcome i feel like when it first happened i was like fuck him and then when i talked to people who are close because yeah because this is an interesting thing like Like in the DC scene, someone was called a rapist. Right. That's right. And everyone defended him. Is he gone? He's gone.

And I was just at a show with the women who defended him, and they're trashing Louis. And I'm like, yeah, but I was hanging out with Mark Norman. And then when I was hanging out with Robert Kelly, they know, they're saying, like, this is what happened. And they're like, yeah, well, they're his friends. They would say that. I'm like, okay, but then you're this person's friend. Yeah. So you have his.

How is this any different? You know, like, how do you not see that? Right. Yeah, you can play both sides. It blows my mind. It's just like, you don't see that. Like, they're like, oh, well, Mark Norman, like, and all those guys, they're on their way out. They're dinosaurs and they're Team louis they're probably right but uh it's just it's just

really fascinating it's like this guy got accused of a way worse thing so by a woman in the scene yeah and you're just like well she's a liar so i will say conversely though like lena dunham fuck her oh my god you saw what she did right right? What did she do? So when one of her writers... She made a terrible show. Yeah. It's called Girls. Oh yeah, that Ben's right there. You got to get off the vent.

Yeah, chairs on the vent. But one of her writers was Me Too'd and Lena Dunham came out and was like, I know I said believe all women, but this is the rare case where I happen to know for a fact that she's lying. And then she just came out like... Know for a fact like that a week or two ago she was like i was lying lena

dunham said she was lying wow yeah and where that girl cannot avoid bad press she brought it on her set like i know what the fuck i mean if you're gonna walk like if you're going to walk, like, if you're going to talk the talk of, like, no, you got to believe all women, except my writer for my show. Yeah. Or, like, when it happens to him. But it's like, it's only when it's convenient to support women. And then when it's like, oh, my God, this could fuck up my whole show, my living. Then you're like, oh, boy.

Yeah. Then due process sounds pretty cool. Right. It's really interesting yeah why fucking lie uh lena dunham just seems like an annoying theater kid from umbc you know what i mean like a fucking rich girl who had so much handed to her and doesn't understand yeah like she thinks she's so important all four of those women on that show are uh daughters of wealthy celebrities. Somebody described it as women thinking they hit a triple, but they were born on third base.

I was like, damn, son. Damn, son. Yo, with a metaphor. But I guess that's what the show is. Why don't you call your parents? Mom and dad want to hear from you. Yeah. She should be getting the same level of disdain.

Of disdain. Because that's worse. I don't know what's worse. I don't know if it's worse. I don't know if it's worse. But I mean, she's doing what Louis did of saying, like, they're liars. Yeah. Crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would see. I'm team Louis. Hey, put it out there. I don't know if you have to be on a team. No, you don't. But I'm saying, like, I would go see him. If you want to play baseball, you got to be on a team.

You can't play by yourself. All right. Well, is he going to pick me? I would go see the guy if he tore. What a terrible softball game. Lena Dunham and Louis C.K. Team Louis. Yeah. Celebrity. Celebrity. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis. Team Louis softball game. Lena Dunham and Louis CK team. Louis celebrity. Yuck.

Yeah. Would you watch that, though? Yeah. It's on like Bravo or something. Even Janine. Bravo. Even Janine. Bravo was like, I remember being at a festival with those two women.

They were laughing about it to me. Right. It's really interesting. Yeah. I don't know. But, but you know you could just say that to say because you don't you're around your peers and you don't want to look like the uptight yeah women that's what i mean i think it's this gray area it's super gray yeah and then because he did a bad thing no one's saying he didn't do a bad but that's the so what he did technically isn't illegal. So it's weird to say, when does he get a break from it? Right? Like, he didn't.

It's like, all right, he went to prison for a year. But it's the same thing with Kevin Hart. I was talking to my friend Liz about the Louis thing. She was like, you know, when I read that piece, it kind of showed growth. Because all those stories were like 14 17 years ago and he hadn't done it since and like he did call and apologize to a woman and it was like the wrong person but it showed that he was like coming to terms with what he did and he's growing and changing and he's trying to make a like yeah make up for what he did and the same thing like with

kevin hart losing the oscars for saying fag a lot on twitter yeah that was 11 years ago he hasn't said it yeah and i don't know like the 2010 2011 like that's when all that stuff really started because that's when i started comedy was 2010 and dude you could get away with so much more oh like so much more well not even he hasn't tweeted since then so it shows growth and maturity so i don't understand why it's a big deal it's it's stupid well it's the outrage culture thing yeah but with louis though like why if you are growing why are you denied like i hate that he denied until he didn't have to do like admit it uh i don't know if he would have came out in front of

it years ago it probably would have been better yeah exactly but i think he got put in a bad position because it was a rumor for a long time a long time it just sucks it broke right after weinstein and uh yeah the house of cards guy yeah i mean i think yeah i wonder if his strategy was just like waited out nobody because i that does happen sometimes where like yeah woody woody allen is just like it's just like but but the thing is like he's still producing movie he's like making movies and it's just kind of yeah denying denying denying speaking of uh hecklers you know he plays like clarinet in some jazz band or something like that every sunday he performs at some hotel tickets are

like 80 or 100 so it's like if you want to show up to heckle him you have to pay a lot of money that's great you know so it's like a good want to show up to heckle him, you have to pay a lot of money. That's great. So it's like a good way to keep people from yelling at you. All right, support my GoFundMe. I'm trying to go heckle Woody Allen this Sunday. I bet you would make a lot of money. You would get so much money. Yeah, probably.

You'd be like the next. People would be really excited about that. You would make way more than your goal. You'd be like that. Who is that guy who's going to make like potato casserole? That's right. And you got like 60 grand. Wait, what? Yeah yeah i was like the first like big go fund me this dude's like i'm gonna make a potato casserole fund me it was like 20 bucks he made it went viral and he

got like 10 60 000 something like that that's so cool yeah i bet i bet you if you could work it right i bet you could like a bunch of people being like probably go queen yeah go queen yeah no let's keep going on this hilarious note do we harp more on the me too movement or whatever not me too but look i didn't say a lot yeah so i'm complicit but i also uh yeah i didn't uh voice my opinion in favor of the baddies. The baddies. Yeah, you would see Louie if he came. I would probably go see him, yeah.

I don't think going to see him is like... Well, you're supporting him financially. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, when I did a show with J-Piv, did I mention that, you guys? He got me too. Yeah guys somebody did that me too yeah somebody did message me and we're like hey i don't know if you know but he got me too

all this stuff that i would know yeah oh i want to know and actually they're they're pretty cool they're pretty they're pretty cool because they didn't mention it in the comments because he's like i'm not trying to like start a thing which is like what you're supposed to do that's really cool if you actually have a problem with somebody, tell them directly. Don't be like, FYI, shithead. So it's like, yeah, but he's not getting any of my money. He's not paying me. I'm doing one show.

And it's not like I was like, hey, you're the man. So I don't know. You're in the clear, man. I think so. I don't know. I'm complicit, too. we're all complicit we all do bad things a lady heckled him rod.com right hey don't blame me blame rod.com fuck me up hey i have a weak moral compass blame my mom who made us made me and my sister lie about everything when

we were kids my mom would make us lie too oh yeah every museum every like movie theater where you can get a discount i lie i like i was like 12 years old and saying i was eight years old like right my whole existence my whole like making you wear one of those like propeller hats i'm an eight year old your mom could have just told the person behind the counter oh he it's so funny she made you walk up she i'm she was just like prepping me i mean she up. She was just prepping me. She did it well. She was prepping me in case they ask. They're like, young man, how old are you?

Russian Jews are crazy. I have a Russian Jewish friend. Wow. Speaking in generalities over here. We start with an anti-Semitic remark. And now we end it. I know that sounds terrible. We're full dear friend we're

full star david she's a russian Jew and uh she uh it's weird she just she has empathy but then she'll like uh she's cheated on like every boyfriend wow and cheats constantly and doesn't feel a thing. It's crazy. Do you think she cheats because it's free? No. Cheap. Cheap cheating. Cheap cheating. Cheap cheating.

Cheap cheating. So then she's in love with this one dude, dating another dude, and she wanted me and my friend to feel sorry for her because this dude that like she was in love with but like kind of chose another girl over her like was shitty to her and my friend is like dude we don't feel bad for you like yeah you're cheating on your boyfriend like why are you he was like why would we feel bad for you like you know how like you that guy's treating you right now yeah you're treating your boyfriend that way and he doesn't even know it's just so crazy that she's like oh i never thought about it that way how could you never think about like never a grown woman with a phd what the fuck is going on wait why a doctor why or has a doctor

but i'm saying like pretty intelligent you don't know this okay yeah why why why have you decided that's a russian jew thing yeah it just felt like a very cold jewish russian or russian thing all right and i've probably i've probably given you some of that in our friendship tell me about yeah yeah oh man all the russian jews do this and that all right yeah all right i'm okay with it no blog posts or anything else no outrage here no outrage all right well yeah yeah nothing outrages me let's let's wrap this up great alex i had a i had a goddamn blast with you hey man it was good you're performing i don't think i mean karen are gonna come see you oh sweet uh yeah performing uh listeners if you're if you're in a hot tub time. Is it 9 or 9.30?

9. What's the problem? I have a party to go to after this. Sorry. But it's right around the corner, so we can hit it up after. If you don't come out, no problem. To the people listening at home,

we want you there. Listen, digheads, if you're getting this in time, come see the show. There's no reason to plug Brooklyn stuff. Nope. Nobody's there. There is?

Yeah. We got some people in New York to listen. Okay. Every Wednesday, 7 p.m. in January, come to Magnet Theater. It's 29th and 8th Avenue Magnet Theater. You'll see improv. Do not heckle me. Do not force you to apologize.

Yeah, or like call your grandma and thank her for that sweater. Hey, grandma. I really like... No, I really don't believe plugs work very much. I'm very cynical about plugs.

I know you guys are less cynical. I'm pretty cynical. Josh is the least cynical. I think what just makes you sound cool. It does. Next week, guys, I'm featuring for Greg Fitz'm pretty cynical. Josh is the least cynical. I think what just makes you sound cool. It does. Next week, guys, I'm featuring for Greg Fitzsimmons at Levity Live in upstate New York.

Yeah, I will say on social media, you guys look like you're fucking rock stars. That's what social media is for. People say that to me all the time. They're like, oh my God. They're like, dude, how much money do you make? It looks very impressive but i know but i know i know like it's really not it's not every once in a while there's like a cool gig

and like you open for like a cool person yeah yeah ouch uh umar dropped his phone anyway thanks for having me i hope in six months we do this again yeah it's our way of connecting yeah we'll see if you go back to New York. Yeah, I have a one way ticket. Wow, I think you're going to paradise. I'm not going to stay here.

I can't do it. Don't check. Look, yeah, there's Thursday, the 27th. I will be at the DC draft house for speechless. And then on Friday, the 28th,

I'll be at a place called Flash in DC doing a stand up at a show called stick. Oh, my God, do we have to cut that out? Flash in DC doing stand up at a show called Schtick. Oh my god. Dude, we have to cut that out. It's at the end. If it was in the middle, I would. These guys are speechless after what I said.

Hey, it hasn't been proven. Come on. It's a good button on this episode. Really good button. Post a picture of us, the kitten in the wall, and then him. Also in the wall. We don't know.

We have the DC Improv January 11th. Listeners, check out Ron.com. There's some good shit on there. Call your moms. David Koechner, there you go. And listeners, check out Ron.com. Pow, pow, pow. There's some good shit on there. And call your moms. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Take care.