The Digression Sessions - Ep. 287 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on their week - The Avengers, upset Muslim audience members, flat earth, and more! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

TAGE NETWORK That's a goddy. Yeah, we're waiting on Rogan to get here. Rogan, what do you do about the bloat? Yeah, it is tough. I can't eat more, but also I think I have to do less cardio. Karen just texted me, speaking of body talk and getting in shape. Sure, you are so hot and ripped, and I am so gross and sick. It's like, yeah, that's right. That's how I used to be in this country. Why are there crumbs all over this fucking chair?

Gross. All right. Oh, my God. this fucking chair? Gross. All right. Oh, my God. Clean that chair up. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the digression sessions. We're a little late. This will still be out on Monday night, technically.

Busy weekend. Busy, busy weekend. And yeah, I mean, yesterday I didn't do shit. Oh, really? Our schedules just didn't line up. No. Yeah. I had a bunch of shit to do.

I committed to, uh, I committed to the arts in the morning. What'd you do? Well, you know, I support the arts. Yes.

Right. Like, and I, I like to think local. So I went and saw, um, it's a small film. It's called the Avengers.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You gave us some money. I heard they've been struggling. Only a billion dollars. I know. Right. And I was hoping my sixteen dollars would put

them over the edge over a billion. Good. No, it wasn't good for real. I did not enjoy it. Are you being serious? Wow. You're the first person to say that. I loved the one before it. Infinity War was was so sick so sick it was weird i heard people thought that one was kind of lame no that one was like two and a half hours and it flew by like i as soon as it ended i could be like oh i'll watch that again this one so this one is three hours i can't do it how many times do you have to pee i would have to pee literally three times uh i peed once so i saw it with my buddy ryan and he had seen the movie before so he knew and he wanted to see it again he loved it he thought it was great but he knew and i i saw

an article beforehand too that was like these are the moments you can pee at avengers um but yeah man they do a lot of like literally going back in the past i heard that it's a lot of dipping into all their movies because they i think they wanted to make it a standalone because i haven't seen any of the other movies right right like i mean any of the other like side doors and yeah whatever i'll just say some spoiler alerts well well this isn't bit but the the choices that they make with some of these characters like it's super hokey yeah and they're going like i enjoy some of the jokes but they're going for jokes so much dude that's why i felt i watched the first one like and that came out like what like 10 years ago at this point yeah and i thought the

same thing i was like i just feel like i'm watching like a a really bad kids movie and i think it like like uh my book evan my roommate was watching thor ragnarok the other day yeah that's straight up a comedy and that like but it even just looks cheesy like it looks like they're on the set of like uh was it apatow movie the idiot um that sounds like the next judd apatow movie no no it wasn't apatow. It was the Beavis and Butthead guy. Oh, Mike Judge. Oh, Idiocracy. Idiocracy.

It looked like they're on the set of Idiocracy. I was like, man, this shit looks bad. Yeah. I mean, it is just over the top. I will say they're great movie theater movies because it's all that action and stuff. So when you see something like Thor, you have to be on board for just a stupid over the top movie yeah because he in the beginning of the movie he literally looks into the camera too and he's just like i bet you're wondering how i got here it's just so cheesy and you're like well i guess you don't know and they

made him a lot more uh funnier than he used to be yes in the first one he was very serious and in this one they take it way too far where they flash forward five years in the future and he's super depressed and literally fat. Wow. Fat, like looks like the big Lebowski is drunk. He plays Fortnite in the film. That's so funny. That's so dumb. Yeah, they just go too far with it.

Like it won't, that movie will not age well. No. just go too far with it like it won't that movie will not age well no and i i think the first of this sounds so lame because i think i guess this is like the fourth one i think or fifth adventure i don't know but the first one was really good and infinity war was really good and i think civil war oh no that was a captain america was like a spin-off that was a captain america one and that was good but yeah it's just like wow it was really cheesy damn well billion dollars yeah i think it's like the second highest grossing movie next to uh titanic no avatar oh avatar right right which i haven't seen and avatar is a horrible movie dude it's it's it just shows you what good press can do for your movie.

Well, and a gimmick because it was 3D, right? It was like, and it took like 10 years. I think it was like, it took 10 years for them to, from start to finish to make the movie. And it was like, I guess like they were waiting for technology to catch up to their ideas. And then it's like, none of this shit is cool this is all fucking lame well they lost me when i heard i read the plot that we are going to a planet to try to get

a thing that's tough to get on yeah it's like it's tough to get a hold of what do we call it unobtain you it's like you had 10 years and you couldn't come up with a better fucking day right like that's something you leave in the script or you're like let's circle back to that like let's use that as a placeholder and then it just goes through and you're like ah fuck dude speaking of uh bad uh what do you think of i think this season of game of thrones is the worst season it's not great dude i that battle scene was i thought that episode all that whole episode was awful. It was suspenseful, but awful. I think it had really cool moments. Once there was the fire and they were battling,

when people were backlit by the fire and stuff, I thought that looked very cinematic and cool. And then in the beginning, seeing all of the torches go out of the Dothraki in the darkness was really cool. Yeah. So the choices were very weird. What the fuck was the point of them sending out the Dothraki's?

Just to get slaughtered? We're trying to make Winterfell great again. Yeah. People, someone wrote it. Oh, yeah, I think you said that too. Yeah, it was like, they're slaughtering Dothraki, and it's a problem. Well, yeah, they're slaughtering all the ethnic people on the show. Well, they just killed that.

Oh, that's fine. I mean, yeah, let's just get all the ethnic people on the show. Well, they just killed that. Oh. That's fine. I mean, yeah. Let's just get all the spoilers. I'm spoiling Avengers. But we'll just point to the post as a spoiler alert. It's fine. Most people are. Yeah.

And then, like, what the fuck was last night's episode? That didn't need to be an episode. That could have been a half an hour. Yeah. That's my thing, too. It's all so much setup and then you get this no payoff right well i guess you're they're banking on the next two episodes being very good at this point who gives a fuck yeah it also does seem weird to slow it down when

you have six episodes and like uh well it was it's weird that the Night King is gone. Yeah. And he was supposed to be the greatest threat to humanity. Every single season was building up to this dude, right? Karen and I went back and just watched season one, episode one, just to like for shits and giggles to start all over. We watched all of them. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God.

But yeah, the very first scene is the White Walkers. Yep. And they're like, holy fucking shit, this is real. And it's all this buildup. And I thought it was cool that she killed him. And I was only going to forgive him that they killed him sort of so quickly. It was so easy. If the next few episodes were just like, boom, like, here we go.

You know? Yeah. But then it was like, like okay what's our strategy like god damn it let's go but it's just weird that like this is the greatest threat for none of the white walkers fought which was kind of lame and then the night king like barely fought had no fight scenes and then uh i like the dragon thing i thought that was cool the dragon thing looked awesome that was great somebody somebody made a meme where it was like uh danny on top of the dragon like blasting him with fire and said like antibacterial soap and then when it's revealed that he's alive and smirking it's like the 0.01

germs left over from antibacterial soap that's pretty cool yeah but uh yeah and then uh it's just weird like they're never gonna explain how Aria got past hundreds of thousands of soldiers. She just crept past every single general. She's very quick and cool. And it just makes no sense. I'm okay with that, with her like creeping by because she's been working on it. I'm okay with that. Yeah.

That's all right. But it is. Yeah. I feel like this episode was setting stuff up and it just really better pay off that's all yeah i don't think it will yeah and then uh yeah fuck it let's just go full spoilers do it but a dragon getting shot like that was hilarious i'm like bro you can fly go to the back of the boat why are you coming right at them that was so stupid yeah it made no sense like what and then in the first episode too um uh that was so funny how

that dragon just died out of nowhere oh yeah it's done um but in the the very first episode of game of thrones like season one uh king robert is coming to winterfell and they're like holy shit this has to be a big deal he never comes up here it takes months to get here from king's landing yeah and then in this episode like they get fucked up in the boats and then the next day they're at king's landing yeah what how you know what i mean because remember when they're at like the the wall at the end of the episode also why wouldn't they just fucking kill cersei right then you have a dragon yeah that was the other thing they had it just chilling there like have that motherfucker come from the back whatever it can fly there's no strategy yeah it makes yeah i think it's too it's like also where does

she sleep just torch her room you know i have the dragon fly right up to it what yeah like go all the way up yeah there no arrows can get you yeah just ah what are you gonna do yeah i mean it's a it's a fucking medieval show about incest and zombies with dragons you can't pick it apart too much but yeah watching this season feels like like it's like somebody you were friends with in high school or college. That you were like, oh, I love hanging out with this person. And then they move away. And then they come back and you feel like you're just going to have that bond instantly.

But you're still kind of misfiring. That's what this season feels like to me. Because there's so much buildup of this season. And it's just kind of not as good. It just feels like they're rushing everything. And I guess they have to. But damn, damn some of their choice like the first two episodes like the second episode was cool i guess yeah but the first episode was just so fucking boring and uh it was just like what are we watching a fucking soap opera give a shit about any of this yeah

yeah what are you gonna do so it's uh yeah i mean i'm still excited to see the last two episodes i thought it was cool that aria killed him like i don't care i thought it was cool but i don't understand like why her like it just she seemed so disconnected from that whole storyline right but i think um i know there's foreshadowing yeah yeah like i get all the foreshadowing but like it's just a weird thing for yeah whatever somebody told me uh i was complaining about aria killing and me and andrew cook were at big hun complaining about this uh the battle episode and the one headliner comics like oh you guys are upset because a woman killed him and i was like no that's not it but okay yeah no that's not it yeah what else you get into this weekend there uh boy uh this

weekend yeah it was pretty easy man so but yeah so that's why we couldn't hook up yesterday is because i didn't get so they played previews before the movie too i'm like buddy we don't need these so i didn't end up getting out of the movie theater until like, I don't know, 1.30 or somewhere in there. Oh, boy. And then I was hungry. So we were going to lunch and then you had to. Yeah, I had to go.

It's like we were grocery shopping. Karen had improv and I had to go to Frederick. It was a whole thing. You're a modern man, you know. I'm like, hey, man. Your lady's doing improv. You got to get groceries. Got to do a show in Frederick, Maryland. You got to and uh yesterday was uh cinco de mayo so out of respect i went to a new

gentrified taco spot oh how is it it's okay nice that's what i've the word on the street is not a better than pre-hole is not as good as uh clavelle but uh yeah it's like in between there it's not as bad as free oh it's better sorry yeah it's better than free better than free hole is not as good as clavelle yeah no i don't think anything can be good as clavelle yeah i've had so many tacos and it's just like we'll never be and i go to clavelle i was there on saturday i go there every week right never get tired of their food yeah i think it's the one place in baltimore i haven't been going to for years and i've never been tired i've never been like we go there too much yeah yeah no i love mexican food too so yeah it was funny just to end up there on cinco de mayo though yeah and the way it's like done on the inside is supposed to be

like rustic on purpose it's also like a bunch of like well it's also used to be an old like townie bar real townie bar the same kind of people still do some of them still hang out no it's it's people like god they must be so mad about that just go to the bloody bucket yeah yeah that's that was the place where i told the story where that guy came out of the bathroom and punched that one guy that was knocking on the door. Yeah. And there was still Coke on the sink. That's just, I think about stuff like all the time where like people give shit for millennials, like, oh, they're lazy and they all live at home with their parents. It's like, okay, but like living in like this neighborhood, it's like every, there's so many people from your generation that are just standing around all day doing nothing fucking

doing drugs standing in front of royal farms so what the fuck are you guys your generation has pieces of shit too like our people just went to college and now they can't find a job yours did meth and fucked up their life right right i don't like it's such a weird thing like all these oh they just coming in ruin it's just like dude your life has sucked before we got here and it's gonna suck while we here and after we're gone yeah and while we're here too we want tacos yeah so move your shitty bar out of the way and let us get some tacos in peace yeah i mean dimitri's was a shithole like i think i think it got raided too because there was so much drug activity there as well. So it's, yeah.

But no, it was okay. I'm kind of excited to have a place that's closer that has good tacos. Yeah, there's no good tacos in Hamden. No. But we are very close. But Clavel's a whole ordeal. It's a whole thing to get in there. Yeah, you got to fight for seats. When you go in Clavel, it's like whole thing to yeah you gotta you gotta like fight for seats it's like when you

go in clavelle it's like a restaurant that's so crowded they'll never not be a wait unless you get there right when it opens yeah and uh but like karen and i are just such ninjas at this point we will we probably like don't wait for more than like five ten minutes in that to get a bar seat gotcha yeah like as soon as it opens up you got to act oh no like we went there yeah oh yeah as soon as the bar season we went there like eight o'clock this saturday it was fucking nuts and like we just swooped in i mean you're not comfortable right you're just like on a little corner that is how i feel when i'm there it's just like it's always packed like i feel like when i open the door the hostess is just like get fuck you get out of here yeah i'm sorry

yeah but uh yeah man this weekend was uh it was pretty chill so um uh it was our friend lauren's birthday so we had a dinner with her on friday and then saturday we went to parkville and did a tight duck pin bowling oh yeah it was pretty cool i've been to that one. That one's nice. Yeah, it was fun. It feels like you're in the 80s again. Yeah, I mean, Parkville's a fucking shithole. And it's supposed to be like midnight bowling. Yeah. But they just have like a few black lights kind of scattered.

Yeah. But it was a fun hang. I mean... Cosmic bowling. Isn't that what they call it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like the thing to do when you were a preteen it was like oh shit it's dark like damn dude they're playing ja rule real loud it's just crazy um no it was a good deal so you got shoes unlimited bowling and

and the cosmic uh light show for 15 bucks oh all right and then i think pitchers of beer are pretty cheap too bowling is like what I imagine. I think bowling is in the same category as going to see a comedy show. It's just something a group of friends decides to do when they're like, yeah, we go out to eat all the time. We go to this bar. What should we do? And they're like, oh, let's go bowling.

But I feel like groups of friends do the same thing with comedy. Like, yeah, let's see a comedy show. Yeah with that yeah you can't talk so i think that's what friends are like wow what else are we gonna do let's go to that's just like but it's so funny this thing we take so seriously oh yeah it means so much to us and we're like oh my god we get to do a weekend at the improv and then people like to them it's like just another bowling alley yeah and we're just you know we're good at being clowns yeah and then like they well just like when you walk into a bowling alley you like you're like god i can't believe like this guy this guy's like 40 years old he still works here they look at us like man these people are fucking sad well i mean if they were doing the bowling maybe yeah that's true you know what i mean you know we're uh we're decent bowlers yeah that's true there you go we bowl everywhere yeah exactly so uh no that was good parkville uh

almost got into it with a guy not really but like um it's a little trashy yeah so i was looking to park and then like on the side of the street and then all the parking was taken up. So I just pulled into like a bar that was on the corner of the parking lot there. And then it was at an intersection and the road like basically went like veered off and then into the parking lot. And I thought you could just go through the parking lot kind of like cut through to go to the other street. And I was going to pull a Yui. And then when I got to the other side of the intersection, the curb was still regular. I thought it kind of went down,

so I got all the way to the edge, and I was like, oh, shit, I got to back up. And then I was going to back up, and this dude in an Orioles jersey, an old drunk fat guy, he was doing this, looked like he was saying like go in a circle or something like that or like keep going so i put my window down he comes up

he goes what are you doing this isn't a through street what the hell are you doing like yeah i know that's why i'm backing up because this isn't a through street i'm like i know i got it it's all good like also i'm in my prius going like three miles an hour. I'm like, oh, no, that curb's a little high. Now I'll just back up. And I was like, what a fucking asshole. And then we went to a bar across the street before the bowling alley. And then I'm at that bar ordering a drink.

And that fucking guy walks in. And I was like, God damn. Did he say anything to you? Nah. He's probably just drunk. Yeah, I think that's what he was. Dude, Thursday had gin and jokes. guy walks in and i was like god did you see anything new nah he's probably just drunk yeah i think that's what he was yeah dude uh thursday had gin and jokes speaking of drunk guys uh well she doesn't listen to this i don't care uh karen's like friends came yeah so i met this uh and they're like her friend's kind of weird she's nice but she's weird okay i think she knows she's weird

and uh by the way she acted at my show i honestly don't give a fuck if she hears this oh no but uh so then and then they brought a couple that i met at a party and they were very nice and um and to set this like picture like karen's friend's husband is like a very nice guy huge dude yeah very i would say like kind of has that like blue collar dundalk glenn bernie vibe boisterous he wore like cargo he's a huge dude he wore like uh cargo camouflage shorts uh-huh and i think he wore like an oriole shirt okay and dude they were getting fucked up at the bar. And like they were so loud.

And like so loud. But that's where it goes with comedy too. That some people, like they treat it like music almost. Or if it's like when you're at a bar and there's a guy playing acoustic. And he's playing covers. It's like, oh, this is just like the radio. Like I don't have to pay attention. And we had, up until this show, we had two bombs in a row.

And I just wanted this show to go. No, no, no. Not at this show. I'm just saying the two shows prior were not great shows. Yeah. And so the show was sold out. I was pretty pumped. But a lot of people did not show up.

I think it was like first Thursday. It's nice weather out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There is. And so I went up. My set was very mediocre. Yeah. It was like very mediocre yeah it was fine though you know i was doing crowd work bullshit getting them warmed up and then shelly had a great set but they're just keep talking and talking and i'm shushing them and then they're like giving me

shit back they're like shushing me back and i'm like yeah this isn't funny just like stop talking they're like treating you like you're a substitute teacher yeah exactly and then you feel that way and you don't want people to, you know. And then so at one point. Yeah, you do have to get that, like, nerd energy. Like, I'm not kidding around. I'm serious. But then it's, like, Karen's friend.

So I don't know how mean to be. But at one point I told her to shut the fuck up. I don't know where the line is. I don't know. I was like, hey, you stupid cunt. Can you shut up? You know what I mean? Like, they're her friends.

So I didn't go in. It's all good to let you know. Yeah, exactly. Where where the line is. I don't know. I was like, hey, you stupid cunt, can you shut up? You know what I mean? Like, they're her friends. So I didn't go in. It's all good to let you know. Yeah, exactly. Where's the line? So then Mike Kaplan, he's a headliner. He goes up. And no one was, everyone, there was a lot of people standing. But the whole front row, like on the sides and in the front were empty.

Yeah. And so Mike Kaplan was like, come on, come sit. Come sit here. To them? To anyone who was standing. in the front were empty yeah and so mike capitol was like come on come sit come sit here to them to anyone who was standing and guess who sat in the front fucking row cool people the big dude uh care uh karen's uh friend's husband and then his buddy they sat in the front row drunkest people there drunkest people yeah sat in the front fucking row sure and like just you know he tried to like heckle him once and mike kind of shut it down yeah and you know just trying to be like trying to be like the

funny guy like michael asked mike asked him a question he wouldn't answer it he tried to give a funny response and everyone gave like a groan like yeah that is yeah when it's like well what do you do it's like i'll fucking i'll kick ass that's my job yeah and then like as he's wrapping up michael mike oh and then like mike caplan is like an amazing comic and he was doing so well and but he he's so wordy and he's like and he he talked about that he sets it up he's like so you don't you don't know where i'm like yeah like you know like there's uh he's like what did he use as an example of like um when there's like a lot of something there's a difference between like one grain of sand and a bunch of grains and it's called something fuck like a lump or like a surplus of something no like it's like a word for many um lump come on let's say this is

conglomeration uh grouping no uh it's like a lump uh heap a heap of sand heap and he was not gonna get heat but it's like a philosophical conundrum because it's like well when does it become a heap is it like one grain one grain's not a heap is it two is it three is it like five thousand four thousand he's like anyway the point is is this is how my comedy is sometimes you don't know if they're jokes they come at you it's a joke you might not think it's a joke but it's a joke and then like so he sets it up it's like i'm very wordy some things aren't jokes some things are you're not sometimes you won't know what a joke is anyway so he's wrapping up and he's as he's like wrapping up he has this very sometimes you have like a very long-winded setup but it pays off oh yeah he's doing this long-winded setup and there's a little pause before the punchline and one of the drunk ladies in the back you just hear her go oh

and everyone heard it and it was so embarrassing dude like could you imagine you're just doing an hour you did an hour dude that's so comedy and somebody just goes plating oh i wanted to like hit this person yeah just immediately just like shove her yeah the ceiling and she's a fucking doctor this woman yeah good and she is hammered right at this show she was hammered when i met her at the party too so might have a drinking problem oh whatever but uh she's doing all right yeah she's great she's a doctor she's functional yeah sure uh she can have fun on her free time uh and uh and then mike's like i promise i'm wrapping up and then as he's wrapping up did that ruin his punchline yes and then yeah of course god and then he's like okay i promise i'm wrapping up and he's so nice

like mike caplan is a very he's deferential i don't know what that means it's basically like i'll defer to you like he's just like okay that's the vibe of the room he's not like he's like all right he's not like i'm gonna win you over you a bunch of rowdy animals he's like look i'm just here to do my thing and if you're not having fun i'll be over soon and he's just so thoughtful too like right he has a lot of jokes about his girlfriend and he'll like like like well she said this and then like he had like and then he's and then he'll follow up like she didn't actually say that it's just a joke my girlfriend's a nice person she would never say that like just like that it's so funny like my girlfriend's a

nice you know like and like uh so he's just like a thoughtful guy right and um and his comedy is very thoughtful it's awesome it's like those disclaimers at the end of commercials where it's like, this will cure baldness. It will not actually cure baldness. Yeah, yeah. My girlfriend is not actually a bitch. I love her very much. He's wrapping up.

And then the drunk guy, I forgot what he said, but he said he tried to say a punchline. And dude, like four people were like, stop talking. Shut up. Go leave. It was hilarious. And I was like, good. And you could just see his. Oh, is it sinking in?

Yeah. It just his whole part like being got deflated. Right. And I was like, oh, he gets, like, finally, this guy gets it. It took, this guy is like. It takes an entire room of people. This guy is 40-something years old. He has two children.

And he fucking just understood that no one wants to hear him talk. At the end of the show. Yeah. Unreal. Just crazy. Right, right. But, yeah, I i mean that goes to the people with comedy it's just like ah it's whatever who cares yeah like i'm being funny too

yeah and then like karen like karen's friend like at one point during the show try to go stand next to her and karen was like so embarrassed she was like in her head she's like dude get the fuck because everyone you do like i got a tweet about it from some guy. Just like a man. Great show. Except for those four assholes and the loud ass bartender. We had a guest bartender. He was very loud. It was very frustrating.

But it was a great show. Dude, everyone killed. Shelly killed. Yeah. Marianne killed. Brian Parisi. I mean, that guy. It's unreal.

How funny that guy is. Holy shit. What a good writer. And then Mike Kaplan just knocked it out of the park. So it was another great show. Awesome. Yeah. But yeah.

Just like God. They're your girlfriend's friends. Yeah. I saw her because she came to Karen's show. Oh, yeah. She wouldn't even look me in the eye. Really? And she wouldn't apologize.

And I even I wanted to make a joke like, oh, look. I was like, man, wow, you really you kept your mouth shut the whole time. This time it was very. Yeah. You're gonna be like, yeah, when the audience or when when they ask for a suggestion, that's when you pipe up. Yeah. Go for it. But yeah, it was good.

And then Friday I was in D.C. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Featuring for a comic. Joe. Joe L. Johnson.

Uh huh. And she was very nice. It was great great the early show went fine and in the late show i'm featuring i'm doing 25 minutes so i would say like like eight minutes into my snow maybe like 15 minutes into my set uh-huh i just setting up a joke about um how muslims don't drink and i was like oh my parents grew up muslim but yeah i don't believe in that bullshit you know yeah and then i think like i emphasize it a couple more times like it's bullshit whatever you know like who's gonna believe that it's dumb whatever sure it's fine and then uh so i finished a joke and then and i just had another joke kind of about like islam

and like uh you know like kind of the whole premise of the joke is like mus like muslims kind of want like a virgin and uh i'm like fine with not having sex with a well i'll have sex with a virgin but it doesn't have to be a virgin let me just pause right here yeah that's really big of you thank you bro you know you know in like this age where there's like a lot of just kind of toxic masculinity yeah yeah the fact that you said you would you know you know in like this age where there's like a lot of just kind of toxic masculinity yeah the fact that you said you would fuck a virgin yeah it's pretty cool i know i i think i'm pretty open-minded i don't use the term hero lightly yeah but wow thank you you might be in the next event which is like i wonder like dude like if you're a fucking let's say you're a muslim kid in like a pakistan or

whatever yeah and a girl wants us you're like you're so like your hormones are raging sure and and she's like hey but i'm not a you're still gonna have sex with this girl even if she's like i'm not a virgin yeah he's like but i gotta throw acid on her yeah i mean i'm gonna get mine yeah that is so funny that like the big thing waiting for you they're like and it's not just one virgin and it's not just two virgins there's gonna be 72 that's that's like the biggest thing is that you're like well they're pure it's like okay yeah it's so weird that there's such a premium on that i want to know what is behind that like why well i understand like back then about

like the whole disease thing yeah i guess and like today like what who gives a fuck like what is right what is that about like why like some like some uh still like want to see like if there's no blood they're gonna get pretty pissed oh yeah yeah yeah yeah um but yeah i mean it's sort of like your joke too about the bread and yeah well that's a joke i mean it's sort of like your joke too about the bread and yeah well that's a joke i was thinking oh gotcha gotcha gotcha but yeah that's what i'm saying is that like it's uh it is a weird thing it's like nah they're not pure yeah and then it's like us it's like yeah i want you to be bad at sex yeah well yeah so i got some new tags which is killing me because i wish i had it for my special. But I want a bread that knows what it's doing.

I want a bread who's like, ooh, rub me in olive oil. Right, right, right. I don't mind a little butter. Yeah. But yeah. So then after I finished that joke about the Muslims not drinking, these two dudes get up. And it was just kind of awkward time to get up and i for a second was like oh maybe they're going to like the bathroom and then the one dude walked

toward the stage on the stage and across me like right in front of me yeah so the stage the stage is like what like i don't know 10 inches I don't know, 10 inches off the floor. It's like six inches. Six to 10 inches off the floor. So, yeah, so it's not hard to do that. And sometimes people do that just to get around. And maybe he had to do it. I don't know. Well, the other guy didn't.

But it was scary. I was like, what the fuck? And then I was like, I put it together. I was like, oh, these are brown dudes. They're probably offended. And I asked, I was like, are you guys leaving? Because you're offended. And he was just like, I put it together. I was like, oh, these are brown dudes. They're probably offended. And I asked, I was like, are you guys leaving? Because you're offended. And he was just like, yeah.

And I was like, oh. It was like, all right, buy my special on Amazon. And then I trashed them for like two minutes. And the crowd, I got them back. But it was so weird. I felt bad, you know, because they just came to have fun. But that is some real shit. Because, you know, I would be like, came to have fun but that is some real shit because you know i would be like i think christianity's bullshit and then if there was a nice priest

in the crowd it was like that's offensive be like yeah well yeah that's true you have to be like this is how i feel yeah i can see why you would be upset yeah and uh but then the funny part was so like i i was just playfully trashing him, making jokes about it. Hoping they don't blow the place up. There was a guy in the front row where I was kind of just before joking about how he premature ejaculates. And I was like, man, I made fun of this guy's dick game. He's still here and laughing. I mean, he's prematurely laughing, but he's here.

And that got him back and stuff. No holds barred, Umar. Yeah. This guy comes too early fuck everybody dude i'm trying to uh you know i'm bringing the the blue collar back to comedy you really are yeah my fucking middle class pakistani upbringing yeah yeah yeah i can't wait till you go on tour yeah that should be yeah you could be uh what were they yeah the blue collar comedy yeah yeah you could do that the uh what uh what a men wear i was gonna say the burkas of

comedy but um blue burkas of comedy blue burkas of comedy it's women it's broads yeah uh guys it's just it's too long it's it's called like a shawar kameez and you can't say that there you go yeah the shawar kameez you're gonna enjoy the shawar comedies of these guys yeah i i just it was funny because i was talking about it with my buddy chris and and he was like dude don't feel bad that's just them dealing with their own shit but i feel a little bad because you know if you're a religious muslim and you're like believe that this is the word of god and i'm just like man this shit is gay right and it doesn't mean that they're no they're not pussies or anything yeah yeah that's the thing too is that there are people that are uh like karen's mom's like a very devout like religious

yeah but she's has a really cool sense of humor and she's a really good person but yeah i mean if she was in the audience and somebody was just like it's bullshit like i can see her being like this isn't my favorite bit yeah exactly and like you want to leave leave that's fine yeah they did the right thing they didn't stay and disrupt the show yeah it's like but uh you you know it's i kind of wish i was like oh please stay let's just get past it but uh don't come back with vests on yeah well i made all those jokes sure god damn uh speaking of bombing yeah um but you know they're like i think like for them to like i was thinking about like for my parents perspective like it must be hard to enjoy

yourself in a country where so much of adult life is like drinking and and like trying to like meet someone or the opposites you know like and then like they're like let's go to a comedy show that's something we can do you don't have to drink we're just here to get laughs yeah and then i'm just up there i'm like man this fucking bullshit i bet when you went up to they're like finally a cool young yeah they're like oh look at this guy we can relate yeah i don't think so yeah blink 182 pork and white women yeah shaka me's my nuts dog yeah that's yeah that's it's weird because yeah you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings no so maybe i think and i think i'm just gonna change i'm there's no reason for me

to say it's bullshit like yeah i'm gonna say like i grew up muslim i don't believe any of that stuff i exactly exactly you just take the my cap i was just you should just be like my cap like it's bullshit okay it's not really bullshit i mean it's a fine religion no i don't think if i said that that would still piss off religious people yeah but yeah i hear like just call i don't believe in it but if you do i get it and i respect it it's totally fine yeah but uh i was just so comfortable i was like having a good time and i'm like yeah it's bullshit you know we're all gay let's kill each other yeah i mean it's some stuff that we say just offhanded. You're like, oh, yeah, that could really piss some people off.

And so then they went upstairs to complain. This is the part where it makes me not. So, like, they went up and to complain to the person who was running the show. How old were these guys? I would say they're in, like, their mid-20s. Okay. Early 30s, maybe. But they look young.

They look like probably our age. Yeah, like young professional types. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, he wore cargo shorts. I don't know how professional he was. Okay. Well, I was on this guy's side.

Made fun of those. And they're like, so do you let people talk like that? And he's like, well, I mean mean i don't tell people what they can and can't say but he's just speaking from his experience do you let people talk like that yeah they're probably on my dad's side of the bread joke oh sure and uh and then they immediately were like well you wouldn't let him talk about Jewish people that way. And it's just like, oh, okay. Like, I see what's happening here. But and then he was like, well, if a Jewish comic wants to talk about their experience

growing up Jewish and make fun of the culture and religion they came from, I'd be fine with it. But do you want your money back? And they're like, okay. So they left. That's why I trash beautiful, white, cool. Yeah. You know what I mean? I can get away with So they left. That's why I trash beautiful, white, cool. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I can get away with that. Yeah. That's my culture. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. No, it's, yeah. I hate all that stuff where it's very, where it's like you're allowed to trash certain

things, but not other things. You know, like people have that mentality. Yeah. Because before that, I just had a joke about trashing some chick for like saying how the me too movement uh is stopping her from getting laid what they had no problems with that right they're like okay well i like this guy yeah what if they left because of the premature ejaculation thing yeah it's not fucking cool man yeah in fact we're gonna leave the show premature uh and then yeah but then it's so funny because then it's so weird like some things you can get

away with and some things you can't so on last night i featured in frederick for brian parisi yeah and uh it was it was a light crowd it was really shitty weather and um yeah but the audience who were there they were great they were a little bit older and I was kind of nervous, but it was always fun. They were great. Yeah, there's this table of older women and they were having a blast. And then I just I was like, you guys are like so nice. Like, what are you guys celebrating something like? Yeah, being single and then just being stupid.

I was like, oh, nice. I'm going to fuck all of you, all of you. And they were laughing like it was so such a dumb line and they were laughing so hard and then i'm like yeah then we'll fucking facetime your grandkids afterwards and like tell them you know like hey diversity is cool earlier just like you know people just don't respect comedy you're like so i told i fuck them yeah these old bros and they were an artist so into it it was just so funny they were like howling yeah yeah like howling and like i just kept leaning into it and uh and then it's ridiculous yeah someone like oh we're

actually married i was like i don't give a fuck yeah we'll facetime your husbands and tell them and like they're like oh my god he's crazy and uh and then i even said i was like you know that's like the best part about comedy it's like if i just walked into this bar and walked up to your table i was like hey i'm gonna have sex with all you guys tonight you would call the police sure i said it into a microphone in front of everyone and everyone's like oh my god he's so funny you got paid to do it yeah exactly yeah i was like man and then i was like man you know first much should people talk about america a brown guy just told a bunch of older white women he's gonna have sex with them yeah and they're laughing that's democracy progress yeah that is great uh yeah that is one of the fun parts too like the flip side of saying some flippant dumb

shit yeah most of the time it's unifying yeah yeah exactly like when i did that casino in western maryland like i just made fun of them and said how old they were the whole time. Like, because I was talking about pot and I was like, you guys don't really smoke pot, do you? And then they just had no answer. I went to move on and a guy was just like, Tylenol.

I was like, all right, I think you're on more than Tylenol, sir. And then woman yelled something else out and I was like, did you just say suck my balls? She's like, no, I said I have Tylenol. And so we just like riffed on that the rest of the show is like this woman wants to suck all your balls she's like no but yeah again if i had said that to her face without a microphone they'd be like no right no

um but yeah man i didn't do any shows this week hey that's great well we did uh i shot that sketch on friday oh yeah that was good man i saw it was well shot thank you yeah paul uh paul did a really good job but uh yeah it's on my instagram at josh kandurna if you want to check that out all right it was uh yeah it was fun to shoot man i'm gonna try to do some more stuff like that maybe try to do like two sketches a month or something like oh yeah that's a good idea for the gram so content generate some content people love content they do you just got to keep cranking out that content hell yeah you know like like god he's cranking stuff out wow you know what i don't know if it's been good well yeah he started with pangea

broke those things up he's like yeah check out these continents is that what it started with pangy oh yeah pangy was the first yeah and they're like well what else and he's like here's the remix look at this comet broke them up or just maybe the tectonic plates shifting yeah well yeah well yeah then there was yeah there was the meteor and then that basically that got rid of the dinosaurs and now we're some people say they don't know if that's like an actual, that's just like a theory. That like no one, I don't know if there's like proof. Well, it's all bunk anyway because the earth is flat. That's true.

So people need to get on board with that. Yeah. We watched a documentary on Netflix about flat earthers. Oh, I started it. I couldn't. I was like, this is terrible. I loved it. I love that they do this.

They like put up like half of a hitler salute is like they're like yeah they're like bladder thing um but the main guy's name was mark sergeant what did they say what he did for a living no because it's so funny like all these people with his mom who have all these theories and like they know everything and like and same thing with like alt-right people or like white supremacists it's just like you're all done like your life like you work at a 7-eleven like so but you know some shit that no one else can figure out like you work at a 7-eleven you couldn't pass high school barely well the the onion had i think it was the onion had a great article it was like i used to believe experts but then i saw a video of a guy in his truck on yeah

that is another thing like where people just are like now making videos from their cars like driving i've seen some comics doing it more and more they're just like all right we got uh may 4th we got shows coming up it's like yeah dude just do it in your house why do you have to be driving like what is it like oh look guys i grind yeah he's moving dude i can't wait for someone to die doing that that would go viral that would be pretty tight but so i was like yeah well i was watching that i was getting bummed out i'm like how many people actually believe this stuff so then i went and looked at his instagram and he didn't have that many followers i think i think it was like in the thousands not too like six thousand or

something but then i wanted to see the comments for people like that like thank you mark for speaking truth yeah it was just a bunch of people trashing it somebody posted something that was so good they posted um they were like dude just watch the documentary you're in it's on netflix because he's like do the research what is this and it's like in the documentary they do a good job of explaining like point by point why they're wrong jeez just being like look at this shit and they're like no no just watch the movie that you're in they should just take those people out into space and be like look what do you see what is you know what i mean yeah we should spend millions of dollars do they think that's all fake footage like oh yeah yeah oh wow i don't think we have the technology to go in outer space um well that i don't know but yeah

probably or that all the pictures are fake wow they also believe there's a giant this well there's two camps too which is one of the funnier things as well that's already segmented the flower yeah like well a big thing too is they think the mark sergeant the women's movement guys yeah well those broads you know um but yeah they're everybody's kind of like split up and then there's a camp of people that think mark sergeant is uh um like a government mole like he works for the cia oh wow he was put in there to basically give disinformation he's like i've never worked for the government come on dude there's people believe that there's a dome on top of the

flatter some people don't believe there's a dome like who made the dome the illuminati oh what are you stupid well that's what's the funny thing with tom delong from blink 182 when he's like the government once came to approach me because they don't know they don't know how to talk to kids and i can reach kids eric glazer just touched my nipple it's like wait the government he's like yeah and like i can do like multimedia stuff and and help them like share information yeah dude if the government wanted to tell people there's aliens they would just have a press conference like hey we think there are aliens and everyone would believe them and lose their mind also they don't need you to produce a fucking graphic novel also hey bud nobody thinks you related to anything yeah yeah except for maybe related to like old

memes from your songs from like the 2000s because he does like i guess have meetings in the pentagon and stuff but it's like what is he doing what are you doing but like so that's his whole thing it's like that's bullshit too where you can i'm sure the pentagon has a press office for stuff where you can set up a meeting to discuss what happens at the Pentagon. And they'll be like, Social Security has it too. It just makes no sense that if they wanted to leak information, they would just say it. Do you think there's a boardroom of generals that they're like, who is the one person? Who do we get?

Well, here's the thing. Gentlemen, we need to do music. We need to do movies. We need to do graphic knowledge. But is there one person? What did you just say, Johnson just say johnson tom delong there's just a montage of tom delong like like running naked like you know from like and just like being stupid and blink 182 like that's our guy just some general taking all this glass like work does suck it's almost like a bad comedy from the 90s where like the fbi is using a stupid guy you know like they're just

using him like but it's so bad but it's yeah it's just like uh give me the guy from angels and what do you know he wrote he did write a song on their uh on their multi-platinum album called aliens exist so he's our dude right right yeah the same guy that also wrote songs about him. I'm looking at my notes. It says his wiener. And now, fucking a dog? Yeah. Maybe it's an alien dog.

You don't think they would be like, yeah, we need a really high-profile person in movies. George Clooney, no. Tom DeLonge would be good. Yeah, that's just like a level. I mean, I think he's lost his mind. He's probably on drugs. But yeah, probably.

Yeah, probably like some type of like Adderall. Yeah. Kind of like a burst now. Sure. I mean, like the guy. Yes, kids. Well, that's the thing. He has two kids.

Yeah. The flat earther guys. Like what you see in the documentary is that it's really just about them wanting a community of people because they all feel like outside. They're like open mic comics. Pretty yeah they'd have shitty bits they're just like you know the earth doesn't rotate like that's good and then they have like a small group like whoa yeah but yeah and they they interview people that go to this conference of flat earthers and this guy's like oh yeah my family doesn't talk to me anymore i I'm divorced. I had to quit my job.

And you're like, whoa. You're committing that hard to the bit. Yeah. That's insane. So they're interviewing a science writer. And he's like, well, think about it. Yeah. Even if you have that thought in your mind, you're like, maybe this is all bullshit.

Your whole identity now is a flat earther so you're like my friends are flat earthers like yeah everything about my identity is related to this and if that's not true then who am i i think that's the same with comedy you know like all kinds of stuff yeah like it's just like i thought the same thing i was like man if i quit comedy that is like the only thing about me that sets me apart right you know from other people and that's how you identify exactly everyone looks at you and the first thing they think is like comedian you know yeah yeah yeah and then you oh well that's probably they're like he's gay he's fucking annoying should kill

himself yeah those guys from big hunter like i'm gonna kill him but no i yeah i have the same thing too like i took the weekend off from comedy like i did that sketch and did like music and stuff then i'm like oh is that like that's bad because then it's like oh i identify as comedian if i'm not trying all the time and then you're like well what other people and like i doubt they care yeah yeah no no one gives a shit dude but uh yeah but that is yeah once your whole community is flat earthers you're like i'm in on this bit forever i guess that's nuts to me i love that and the the so they show also them doing experiments proving that the earth rotates yeah but they're just like no okay so what they do is so they're saying scientists say that uh the earth rotates like every 24 hours therefore every hour they throw out the degrees like every

hour the earth would rotate 15 degrees if what they say is true so we're gonna buy a gyroscope that detects rotation and we're gonna buy the best gyroscope we can it's twenty thousand dollars they buy a twenty thousand dollar gyroscope they do the experiment what guess what a down payment on the house you have kids this is important people are being lied to so so guess what uh they do the experiment the earth rotated 15 degrees in one hour wow and they're like no you know what happened is that there's probably interference from the sky probably like what so they put it in like anyone in their group be like, and like slowly walk away? So it's funny because it was like building up to the conference

and I think they were supposed to present their findings. So they have like a barbecue group. God, I would love to be that barbecue, just fucking frozen patties. Oh, I'm sure it's great. Their mom yelling about smoke getting in the house yeah it's like who microwave corn dogs who walked through the house with the shoes on yeah so and then so like oh so yeah there's probably interference from the sky uh so we're gonna put

it in a uh in a metal tube so it can't be interfered with guess what one hour 15 degrees wow so now they're like we got to get a metal tube made of bismuth i think the um the is it a mineral or element it's cool but yeah i'm sure it's expensive so like we have to do it in there to make sure there's no yeah it's like each time there's like no this proves the thing they're like no no no it can't be it can't be yeah but that's just most of america right now like yeah it's all confirmation biased you know yes i know for a fact trump colluded nothing will convince me otherwise well i mean there is evidence of that sure yes but

it's not like yeah very hard clear-cut evidence. You just have a feeling this guy did it. There is evidence, though. What's the evidence? I mean, he literally asked them to get Hillary's emails. They had a meeting at Trump Tower. Oh, right. Okay. And Russians did work with WikiLeaks.

It's just there's no smoking gun of Trump saying, let's do this. Sure. There is evidence of this this but it's not proven but it's not like you there's they're looking for like audio or some type of message right putin trump being like yes let's collude together but yes they work together the russians reached out he told people to reach out to the russians but it was never like in to do this we are going to work with them but it's not like uh leading up to the report like i mean the the speculation was yeah insane right but none of

that came fruition because if that's wrong but that's not right though because he has somebody in the department of justice that's the attorney Attorney General, was appointed by Trump. True. And he issued a four-page letter that was fake. So Robert Mueller had to send him a letter. It was like, hey, that's not what I said. But then in a phone conversation, Mueller said that, like, I agree it was accurate.

It was misleading. Well, that's what I mean. So there you go. Still misleading. Yeah. And that's saying there's no obstruction. It's like he did obstruct. Bad example.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you're saying. saying but that's the thing it's like you can't say what i'm saying is like the flat earth stuff there's no evidence of what they're talking about right right right but with this stuff at least there is like no no you can point to certain things that would lead one to believe that i guess so like you can point to things like one way or the other it'll fit your narrative right they're like hey the earth rotated 15 degrees in an hour they're like nah dude yeah that is nuts that's what i mean that's cool i love that yeah let them have it man dude are you watching this season of veep no i haven't watched any of veep oh it's so good yeah uh this is the last season i'm watching brooklyn 99 i'm trying to get caught up on that oh yeah but so this season they have a candidate running that's basically like supposed to be like analogous to Trump.

And it's so funny. There's like the campaign managers like these are all fucking idiots. It's great. Like they just lean into it. Like he's just he's at a campaign rally. And he's like, you know what I heard the other day that math was invented by Muslims. Everybody's likes everybody's like he's like and if i'm president we're getting rid of math and they're like yeah that's so funny dude

tell teachers get their muslim math out of here that's awesome yeah it's yeah but people lean into that shit yeah man yeah because then it's just easy to be like oh i'm not stupid i actually know more than them yeah i're dumb. They don't know the earth is flat. Wow. God. All right. Let's wrap this thing up.

Like I said, check out my Instagram page for that sketch that I did with my buddy Paul Hudson. Let's see. Yeah, it's at Josh Kaderna and then shows. I got a lot of stuff coming up in June. Let's see here. This Friday, I'll be in Bethesda with Matt Bergman at Comedy Zone there, I think is what it is. Yeah, I'll post about that on my Instagram, but that's on the 10th

in Bethesda. My band is playing at Joe Squared in Baltimore. Tremendous but that's on the 10th in bethesda my band is playing at joe squared in baltimore tremendous athletes playing on the 18th at joe squared and then um let's see on the fifth albeit uh dangerously delicious pies in dc doing stand-up tight all right uh my specials on amazon vimeo go watch that. Umar Khan live in Baltimore. Wednesday, I am doing a new show that Dom Rivera is putting on called The Comedy Block. It will be at Exiles on U Street. So whatever that is, I'll be there with super funny dudes. Lafayette, Benji, super funny woman, Natalie McGillgill myself dom and then big hunt i will be doing uh 15 longer

sets uh at the best of dc showcase at 8 and 9 45 at big hunt and uh gin and jokes every first thursday eric de dorian is headlining in june oh i love that. Friend of the pod. Love that. All right. Hell yeah. All right. Thank you to everybody for listening. Follow us on the Gram and Twitter and Facebooks and all that stuff. Thank you for listening.

We'll talk to you next week. Bye-bye. Digression Sessions coming to an end. Thank you.