The Digression Sessions - Ep. 292 - Josh & Umar

Episode Date: July 8, 2019

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar have themselves a little one on one after some more vacay time. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a cutty. Friday off. Let's probably take Monday off. That's the best of like having a job where you can just be like i'm gonna come in late today yeah like it doesn't matter yeah i mean you have to pick your spots if you're busy or something you know people can abuse it if you're doing shift like work you you know like when i

worked in retail i couldn't just be like you know what ah yeah yeah i'm coming a little late today i know i'm supposed to come in at four but i I'm going to bump it to like 4.42. Yeah. Somewhere in there. I don't know. The worst, I used to have this happen to me all the time where I remember one time me and my high school girlfriend had this whole day planned out. We were going to go like, I don't know, like to like a farm and pick apples and shit.

And so we're just chilling. What were you, 95 in high school? Yeah. Well, me and the lady, we got to crochet, go get a couple apples. You date for like two years in high school. You're like an old couple. Yeah, yeah. Got to go get a chicken parm at the local diner.

Yeah, we'll have sex on my futon when my grandma's in my living room or in the basement. That's what's up. Totally normal. Sure, sure. No door to the basement. You just rely on her old legs to make noise so you can hear her come downstairs perfect and you're like i won't tell allah if you don't yeah and uh but this would happen to me so many times where i'm just like chilling and then i get a call from my manager they're

like dude where are you and i'm like what and i was like i'm off today like no you're supposed to be here 30 minutes ago i was like god and damn it and that panic sets oh yeah and then you have to like oh you feel like such an asshole oh yeah and then you have to like oh you feel like such an asshole oh yeah because there's only two people working at a time too at least it's sam goody though and it's not like it's not like a crazy busy like no working in a kitchen is the worst because stuff will just stack up oh you're like leaning on that person be like oh at least somebody's gonna be here at four o'clock whoa no they're not here this sucks so you might stay late can you stock you're like god damn uh which looking back on it like there have been so many times where i should

just be like no i'm good and just leave yeah i don't know and it shouldn't count against you you get in a group mentality though yes you know yeah you don't want to be a dick to someone else exactly exactly especially because you're like you know're going to see them again. It's like, I don't want to ruin that vibe for the rest of the time. Speaking of the rest of the time, welcome to the podcast, everybody. The Digression Sessions, back after a little hiatus. A week, a week and a half. Somewhere in there, yeah. I think we're almost at like two weeks, I don't know. I haven't showered in like two days.

Really? Yeah. Summer vacay, Umar, over there. I know, right? Come here, come here, buddy. Wearing Tony Hawk shorts. Whoa. I bought when I was in high school.

Damn, you are on summer vibes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Tony Hawk pro skater vibes. Yeah, I'm like, let me put on my Hawk pants I bought at Kohl's. Sick, dude. That was sick as fuck. Yeah.

Yeah. I got this starter t-shirt on Instagram for like... Instagram on Amazon. Instagram. I bought it on t-shirt on Instagram for like... Instagram on Amazon. Instagram. I bought it on Instagram, dog. On Amazon for like five bucks. Nice. I was like, I'll take it.

So yeah. Hi, everybody. We were actually on actual vacation. Yeah. So that's why I wasn't lining up. We're rich jet setters. There you go. You know what I mean?

What are you going to do? Hey. I was in Nashville for our friend's wedding and we turned into a little vacay which was very fun yeah how long are you there a week uh yeah we were there friday to thursday cool so it was very nice bounced around to some airbnbs uh the last airbnb we stayed at was a pool house that's connected to a pool it was very sick yeah it's very nice and uh you get to do the thing where you're like well i mean we don't have anything to do at 1 p.m should we go to the bar yeah like yeah sure and then you see people actually leading their lives doing the same thing there is a guy once that was like

yeah i just want to grab a couple a couple of cores light before i got on the train so i'm here for work and like oh okay all right a couple silver bullets before you head out okay nuts but yeah overall the trip was really good man cool how's the wedding mason mary sorry i'm like jesus emphysema god um wedding was good uh yeah it was a lot of fun it was uh it was raining like all day and then so they moved it inside and uh then so the wedding was supposed to be at 5 30 so like four o'clock they're like all right let's just move it inside and then from 4 15 on it was beautiful outside but it was still really nice inside like it was uh that sucks yeah i don't think i would plan an outdoor wedding just it just is so dicey yeah yeah so yeah when we got there on friday there

was a tornado warning like as soon as we landed yeah so it was uh yeah the south is nuts dude yeah the weather was so many tornadoes this year already uh so many huge thunderstorms like my flight got delayed going to mexico because of storms our flight got delayed my flight a couple weeks ago a couple weeks before that got delayed going to new orleans because like there's tornadoes everywhere jesus fucking is nuts just a tornado of racism uh, did you bring any Chipotle on a plane? No, but let me think. We had a couple of plane.

Dude, I don't... So we went to Mexico City and then from Mexico City, we stayed there which is unreal. Mexico City, Roma and Condesa, we stayed there, are like they're cooler, hipper. Are those towns you mean?

Yeah, they're like towns in Mexico. Cooler, hipper than Brooklyn. Like, unreal the amount of cool, hip restaurants. I hear the music scene down there is really good, too. Like, Mexico City. Not necessarily our cup of tea, but like clubby EDM stuff. I don't know. I didn't see. I don't think where I was I saw any clubby edm stuff i don't know i didn't see i

don't think where i was i saw any of that maybe i don't know but i don't pay attention to that no me either but i just heard that the mexico city is like one of the capitals of that it makes sense i think like they are like uh they're late they start everything late all right and like we were like going to bed by the time everyone was like revving up to like oh i thought you meant they get to translate so it's like hey have you heard of techno kind of because it's like it's just so crazy like hipster hipsterdom culture has hit roma and condesa like it's not like the dude the cocktail bar scene the foodie scene like there's so many coffee shop and i mean like i'm not they're everywhere everywhere everywhere it's not like brooklyn where like you it's what i thought brooklyn would be but like brooklyn's still

pretty spread out um and there's like you know pockets but this is just like every block there's like a really cool restaurant they all have that like new agey wood mixed with, I don't know. The Edison bulbs. Edison bulbs. Yeah. A lot of places have like this mixed outdoor, indoor environment. When they do like a... Like trees through the middle of the restaurant. Right.

When they do a Stranger Things version of like a time period show of this time, that's all it'll be, is be like reclaimed wood with ass and bulbs oh yeah a couple snake plants and other succulents oh yeah yeah and like bar all the bartenders were wearing like you know like the plaid or like denim looking button-down shirts with like a a leather um apron yeah we went to uh we went to husk in nashville which is supposed to be this like amazing restaurant the uh god i'm blanking on his name uh he had a chef's table episode ah fuck he was like a southern cooking guy sean brock i think that's the name um was we went to his restaurant and it was just like woodberry yeah here in baltimore like the nice one of the

nicer restaurants it's very nice but it's also like industrial modern inside where they're like it's you know the reclaim wood exposed beams and all that stuff but then all the server staff wear like stress denim jeans with the flannel and that's what everybody looked like at husk too so it's like the national kind of like we're cool but we're also like a little bit refined yeah it's like the national kind of like, we're cool, but we're also like a little bit refined as well. Yeah, it's like the chimney sweep look. Yeah, I would say like maybe like chimney sweep that came into money recently maybe. Oh, yeah.

Because chimney sweep is like almost homeless. Well, we're trying to dress like that dress is influenced, I think, by like the blue collar factory worker. Yeah. Raw denim, thick plaid. That's what denim was made for yeah is to work in factories and we're all like yeah i'm gonna use these like yeah blog at a coffee shop like think about like a factory worker he's like do you got any skinny jeans though where's where's the tapered fit dog come on yeah i need those low waist i want to look cool when

i'm in the coal mines i remember remember painter's pants were a thing. They had a little thing so you could put a hammer. I had that. Yeah, yeah. And your paintbrush. I would wear a hammer because I was cool. You know, I kept that thing on me. Yeah, Mexico City was cool.

And then everything is so cheap. I mean, beer, like if you want to just drink beer, it's like shitty beer, like a Corona or a Tecate's like 30, 40 pesos, which is like less than two bucks. Yeah. It's insane. I mean, even the food there is so good and so cheap. Yeah, it was cool. Then we went to like a surf town on the southwest coast called Puerto Escondido, and we had to take a small plane.

Dude, I do not fuck with small planes. Oh, why? Because you can feel like everything. You feel everything. They turn. Like the turns are are sharp so it looks like you're nose diving dude i was like i was freaking out you're doing barrel rolls yeah happens like completely normal yeah this is just standard fare oh man it's scary it was fucking and i've never been on a plane where you walk to the plane yeah i've done that. It's pretty cool. Where they have the steps go up to the plane. Yeah, it was.

And that land in the first guy's landing was so bad. Like it was rough. Like we did the bounce. And I was like, oh, my God. Bounced off of the tarmac. Yeah, we landed, bounced, then went back on. I was like, is that normal? But the other guy's landing was so smooth. I was like, okay. Yeah, he fucked up. Yeah, he landed, bounced, then went back on. I was like, is that normal? But the other guy who was landing was so smooth.

I was like, okay. Yeah, he fucked up. Yeah, he fucked up. He was like an open mic pilot maybe. It was. But it was cool. We did a surf lesson. Surfing is nuts.

It's like. Yeah. It's so hard. You have to remember like a million things at one time. Just getting up is really hard, right? Yeah. Well, Karen got up. She was surfing for like 10 seconds at one time just getting up is really hard yeah well karen got up she was surfing for like 10 seconds at a time it was crazy dang 10 seconds is a really long time

it was yeah she was going nuts and uh i could barely i got up for like two maybe that might like the three the most yeah it's like you're on your feet and then you're off yeah yeah yeah and the guy who did it this guy carlos he was so funny he was like umar he's like he's like he we would be waiting and he's like umar he's like he's like look at this wave and i'm like he's like and then he's like but it's not for you i just want you to look at it damn dog yeah i'm blowing my mind over here i just want you to look at it this one's not for you it's not all the time i just want you to know the it. This one's not for you. He would do that all the time. I just want you to know the potential. Yeah, and then he would like shit on you. He's like, what are you doing? And then he's like, it's you doing great.

It's your first time. I'm like, which one is it, Carlos? Yeah, he's trying to give you a little tough love. Yeah, I got seasick from surfing. It would suck. Surfing? Yeah, because the water is so choppy and you're just waiting. A lot of it's waiting because you have to you there's like a

line you wait for your turn between this and your love of blink 182 i think you're the whitest guy ever yeah it's like i went surfing and got seasick he said it's a thing yeah i do i guess because you're like constantly rocking constantly moving and just kind of rocking back on a fucking board you're just constantly it's like you're on a boat, a small boat. I get seasick easily. And it was rough. I wanted to quit so bad, but I didn't want to look like a bitch because Karen's killing it. All right.

And I'm like, God damn it. You're throwing up on your board. I almost threw up, dude. Yeah. And... Umar, this throw up's not for you. He could see that I was like real fucked up. He's like, all right, this is your last one. And then him and Karen were out there for like 10 more minutes and i just

laid down on the beach and you don't have your glasses on right or no do you wear contacts when you do no no no i i don't so that kind of adds to it too if you can't really see oh maybe i didn't think about that but it's still not enjoyable like i hate not having my glasses or contacts in yeah swimming or something oh but can you open your eyes uh no i mean but i don't really need to though what do you mean like underwater like if you're at the pool you can't open your eyes i'm fine with that though yeah yeah i know it's down there you know i'm not whatever i like opening my eyes if i'm in a pool really yeah but under uh the ocean you can't no that's what i'm saying plus in that mexican

water oh dude you kidding me yeah it was nuts it was cool and like every beach they do uh they have like restaurants at the beach yeah and uh it's beautiful down there it's cool it's really nice and they just like bring you beer and food it's so late back we um when we were in cancun last summer um uh the resort we were staying it was like not really a resort but it was like a hotel with with the like connected restaurant then you do activities you could rent like a jet ski and stuff and when we were going to get jet skis the guy was like you guys have a couple tequilas like what he's like yeah go grab a couple tequilas and come back like he was like openly just like yeah before you get the jet ski it's great and so i'd never ridden a jet ski before and the guy was

showing me like you know how it works just the basic stuff there he was like pointed to like the gas he's like okay this makes it go this is the break there was a warning light that was blinking he's like okay this makes it go that's the break ignore that and uh i was like what the fuck all right so the whole time i was riding that thing was just blinking and i was like yeah so funny that's fine it was a blast though yeah we oh man oh we uh karen got sick we were in the er last night i think she got i don't know we ate the same stuff in the er yeah but she was having real got... I don't know. We ate the same stuff. In the ER. Yeah, but she was having real bad cramps. We got back and it was getting real bad.

Then she started having chills and shit. Jesus. And I was like, we did eat at this one very questionable place. So I really wanted ceviche when we got to the beach. Risky. And we had ceviche on the beach and it was like trash, and it was kind of expensive for Mexico. Ceviche is risque. So then I found this one ceviche place.

It only had like seven reviews, but they were all five stars. So we walked to it, and it's just this lady's backyard. Mud. Like a mud backyard. There's cats and cat shit everywhere. Sure. That's what you want near your food. Yeah.

Especially raw food. Yeah. And we still ate there, and it was the best ceviche we had all the trip, except for the fine dining place. And then we went back the next day. We ate barbecue, because they were having a barbecue party. So we had barbecue. Uh-huh.

And then Karen ordered this taco. Oh, my God. It was one of the best tacos we ate in the whole trip. It was just fried jalapeno with shrimp and oaxacan cheese inside which is the same cheese they use at clavelle that's where they get it from yeah it was great it was awesome but the whole time it just flies everywhere you can smell cat shit and i'm just like should we be eating here but that was fun damn but i'm cool yeah going like back to back oh yeah i mean like looking back on it was so dumb but yeah it

was good yeah i mean as long as it was good yeah way worse if it was bad and you also got that would suck nashville had some pretty dope food uh we went to one barbecue spot that was like packed we went on a monday afternoon yeah and it was just packed the brisket was so good um what place uh it was called edley's it was in like the 12 south neighborhood or whatever and then uh the best food that we got was right in our neighborhood it was called lachlan table and yes someone told me about that we didn't go though wow it was seriously right down the street from where we were staying so it just felt like it was like yeah like a part of the because it's like house house house restaurant right and it was so fucking good i got a steak it was on top of green beans with like some type of nut thing on top of it with

like a little bit of like buttery pesto east oh my god it was so good and then i wanted coffee after we ate and he's like well we don have coffee, but we have like this coffee cocktail thing, which I'm not normally like a fan of. But he's like, it's sort of like a creamy coffee-ish like liqueur. And then instead of ice cubes, they use iced coffee. So it's just like cubes of coffee. And as that melted in there, I was like, God. Some places do that here.

It's great. I was doing it at home for a little bit. I was going to say, I did it for a while. And did it for a while this is so not worth yeah i mean if you're making your cold brew you know yeah i mean i made cold brew but no i'm saying but having cold brew and then taking it to go rather than putting like regular ice cubes in it so it stays cold but yeah that was fucking great uh edley's was really good um we went to that acme warehouse which is on broadway and that was pretty good what's that uh they have like uh they have really good chicken there but it's essentially on that music row that fucking nightmare oh broadway yeah yeah oh god um fuck

did you guys go out there uh no we walked up and down it like in the day or night in the day i heard it's nuts at night like every night it's teeming with people yeah it has like kind of a bourbon street yeah kind of bourbon street uh yeah yeah yeah it's just annoying like yeah touristy stuff and it sucks that there's bands in every fucking window as you're walking by like the drummer is like practically on the sidewalk that's nashville's thing i know but as you're walking it's just like it all sounds the same but i didn't know in nashville like uh restaurants and bars license um the names of country people so it was weird seeing stuff it was like jason aldean sushi house you're like what the fuck and like this guy licensed kid rocks name to name his place

it's like kid rocks fuck you fast or whatever that is so weird yeah um it's did you see a lot of bachelor at parties uh i saw a few doing that stupid thing where you fucking ride on the top of the bus no not on the top of the bus they're on not on the top of the bus. They're on like a big cart, essentially. That's a bar, but you pedal as well. Oh, yeah, yeah. Where you like drink and pedal. So lame. I'm like, why would you want to do that?

I don't know, dude. I don't understand the mentality of planning. And this is how you know like managers better at having fun. Because like we were talking about this, like what goes into like a bachelorette party where it's like all right we're gonna for some reason a comedy show is on the table you're like okay we like to have fun comedy's fun comedy show yeah but you don't know anyone on the bill yeah and then it's like okay let's uh let's let's just get a bunch of penis themed stuff and put it

all over us and go out on sure yeah other weird thing uh-huh and then it's like you got to do all these uh uh um like like uh some like bachelorette parties they'll do like scavenger hunts and shit it's just like dude just go drink have some fun exactly don't ruin other people's nights also you don't need to have all these group activity things and it's a lot yeah and a lot of it's such attention seeking like the penis things attention seeking like yeah riding a fuck like what we saw a ton of in new in uh in uh no in nashville nashville is uh these party buses where girls it's just a group of girls drinking and dancing on top of a bus as they get driven from place to place but it was just so sad because it's like six of you guys it doesn't look yeah it just looks like yeah like an empty but

it's just really weird yeah at the same time just like dudes are so simple too because the guys because it would always be one guy driving the thing and then there's another bartender and they're like blaring this loud annoying like pop music shit and you could tell the dude's like yeah i'm probably gonna fuck like five of these chicks like you get to like just this like yeah no it's a party it's a vibe you know like because a dude will take that joke to me i'm like that is hell they're all like wasted like yeah that would suck but they're like yeah look at me i'm hanging out with eight chicks so we had a bachelorette party on our when we went when we were in puerto rico and uh we took like a a boat out to snorkel and all that shit we had a bachelorette and dude the captain like fucking he he was like eating it up he hated no he hated oh really he's like i can tell this is gonna be a

long day he said into the microphone um but yeah uh speaking of like dudes that are just like yeah it was a uh when when we were at that place acne um i went up to the bar and there's a the bartender had like a backwards hat long hair and i And I was like, Hey man, how you doing? I'd like to get, uh, I'm gonna get the, the lo-fi, uh, on drafts. We're gonna get two salads and then the, uh, popcorn chicken. He's like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Cause he's my D like kind of like real, like dismissive. And I was like, yeah, sure. All right. I mean, I'm a very, uh, young, handsome looking man. I get carded all the time. I was carded twice when i tried to see super bad but uh super bad yeah when it was in theaters i was i was like i had to be like i don't know 22 23 i don't know whatever came out no maybe yeah yeah that sounds right i was

above 18 yes for sure and the person taking my ticket carded me and then the person that rips tickets also carded so fun and they're person that rips tickets also carded me. That's so funny. And they're not even allowed to do that. It's just like, what? This isn't your jurisdiction. They're just like, come on, man. Let me see.

I've never got caught sneaking into a movie, I think. I mean, I paid for the ticket. It was just like, are you sure you're old enough to see a rated R film? But yeah, so I get carded all the time. And I was like, whatever. Well, that's a note uh i think we forget that a lot of the country car baltimore doesn't card i i get carded you get carded in baltimore oh i never all the time where do you get carded in baltimore pretty

much everywhere for the most part oh i remember the last time i was carded in this town i mean if it's like if it's a bartender that i know that it's not gonna happen but or like the corner liquor store here the guy's cool like people that i see often but yeah if i go somewhere like uh-huh yeah so i'm normally like whatever like they always card in like dc but that's just because they're so strict about it and most places have bouncers yeah um so the dude was just like yeah so i showed it to him and he doesn't say anything and like comes back and then i'm like all right so then we're sitting at the bar and there's a bunch of chicks off to the side and of course he's very friendly to them he's like oh where are you guys

from oh wisconsin interesting yeah no yeah my wife's from wisconsin i remember uh i met her when i was uh touring out there i'm like oh yeah what'd you do he's like ah who's the uh original guitar player for paramore and i'm like oh do you think he actually was do you look it up i mean it's possible but also it's like yeah can i get more fries like i just love that too where he's like you know like you could see that type of guy it's like i'll fucking run this bar yeah and it's like oh cool that's cool like you don't have to be a fucking dick about it like you know yeah like the thing we talk about all the time with entertainment and stuff where it's like you're up here and then that doesn't last for very long like he had to be like 22 he's like i'm glad i didn't go to fucking college like i'm in a band it's gonna last

forever wait he's 22 now no i'm saying when he started yeah now he's like they're back together what happened i don't know what asked him i don't know i don't know damn but yeah i just love that shit it's like wow you got an attitude with me i know dude he was in paramore yeah that was the original i'm like oh that's tight that's tight can we get another round please thank you oh man i don't think i had any cool stories from mexico but uh we had a man oh oh so where did you guys stay like airbnbs yeah we did all airbnbs all on the top floor we had to walk up so many steps but it was cool it was great i mean it's a way to do it's like 40 50 bucks a night in each place yeah nice um yeah i mean it was it was it was chill there's like nothing bad happened nothing i don't know no

like cool stories yeah perfect yeah when we went to mexico so we stayed at a hotel that was also a timeshare because we got it from karen's parents yeah which is very nice i mean we still had to pay a little bit but um actually no maybe just pay for flight i don't know it's fucking rad but yeah they had food uh they're like full restaurant you could have access to and all that stuff and i don't know if i told her on the on the podcast but um there is a guy there oh i think you did about like the getting guys stuff yeah the night manager guy yeah yeah el capitan yeah that's cool yeah he was so cool but yeah he hooked us up with everything at first though it was like a little sketchy where he's like i can get you guys whatever you want you know yeah i'm like nah dude

we're okay because it's like all those cliches of i was just like no yeah come on i'll help you and then torce like you're so nice yeah just come over here i won't rob you you know yeah but he ended up being so fucking cool at first though he totally misread us we're like so what are like the cool spots around here that like locals go to or like a market or something like that because we want to go get some food like some really good local food and he's like oh there's a bunch of stuff. People love going down the street. There's Senior Frogs, Hard Rock. We're like, nah, dude. No, thank you.

Dude, that's the same thing in Mexico. Like, for some reason, pasta out there is, like, a big thing. And so, like, when we first get to places, everyone's like, oh, yeah, you can get spaghetti down here. We're like three different people. So that's to us. But then one of the nicest restaurants in Roma is an Italian place. I can see that. It's a little more exotic, I guess guess if you're just used to like corn tortilla and i don't give a shit about italian food i love pasta yeah i don't weigh into it caro for pasta it's okay i

just never eat pasta i'm like whoa this is great really i am it all kind of tastes the same to me but uh uh shit what well sauce helps make it for sure yeah but it was cool but dude we ate so many fucking tacos yeah we went on a taco bike tour uh-huh it was great it ended up usually they're like huge groups of like 20 some people but it was just me and karen and the tour guide oh that's nice i thought was great we started at uh we did five places it was like a nine mile bike ride but it did not feel like it. And yeah, he just, this guy, this dude who grew up, he's this gay dude who grew up in Texas.

And then he just like at 15, he's like, fuck this. I'm going to go live in Mexico City with my dad. He's just a cool dude. He just took us around. And the first place we started at was called Puyol or something. It was featured on Chef's Table man it was unreal yeah and it was it was like a completely different type it was in some leaf it was just avocado and some weird sauce uh-huh it was insane how good this place was and uh yeah it was cool and then by the end it was cool because like finally we like kind of opened up

with the guy and uh k Karen went to the bathroom. And he was just shitting. I was like, so who are the worst people to take around? Because our tour guide, our gator tour guide from New Orleans said that Midwest people are the worst. Why? They don't talk. They don't tip. And they're very uptight.

They don't joke around. They don't have fun. I figured the Midwesterners would be very yeah that's what i thought too very like nice and welcoming yeah he was shitting on midwest people from the get-go it was weird so then but uh this guy he was like ah asian people are the like the least favorite and he was like they're very nice but like they're just so uh they don't show any emotion yeah so you don't know if they're enjoying the food you don't know if they're having fun the deferential yeah so he said yeah there's one group of asians and only the girl could speak english but she was with her parents and he just kept he was like so do you

like it blah blah it's like does your dad like it and she asked her dad and he was just like yeah yeah yeah because i guess yeah they just don't want to be rude yeah like one way or the other so then karen came back from the bathroom and he's just going it's like yeah and you know they do this and blah blah blah and i'm like he's talking about jews yeah yeah like he thought that was hilarious and karen's like oh my god is this okay and then like we just opened up and it's just so cool like this gay dude who grew up in texas in like a small fucking hick town he's just like man the world is he was like world is too uptight and then he's like a huge comedy fan so then we started comedy it was awesome nice and then i'm

sure karen's like great yeah she's like oh this is a fun yeah so then the rest of the let's talk about this again we had two more stops in the whole time he's just telling me all these comedy specials i'm like you should check out this guy check out that guy and like yeah it was awesome and then we all got drunk together oh good great perfect so fun yeah that's great yeah but it's just anywhere you go in the world or like i just feel like so many times you meet people and everyone's like yeah dude like the people are crazy right now it's just like why is it still happening then like most people you talk to are sane people yeah well Well, it's just you see the people that lean one way are like super fervent about a thing are going to speak up the most. So therefore they take it, you know, like, oh, it's going crazy on Twitter.

And you're like, okay, 12,000 people are tweeting about it. And that's trending. And you're like, that's such a small group of people. Like rarely do I ever post anything one way or the other, you know what I mean? Like, cause you're not really accomplishing anything. Um,

but yeah, it's just most people. And then, so they see that and they think it's popular and then you're like, Oh no, I have to fall in line with this thing. Yeah. You know where it's like,

no, no, no, no, they are wrong or whatever, which way it is. And it's like, this is not even,

it's barely even a thing. Yeah. It was great. So I'm just making like gay jokes the whole rest of the trip and he's he loves he like he's like gay jokes are my favorite i'm like this fucking wow yeah it was great dude it was awesome yeah he's just like crying keep it going i hope he loves it karen i hope you tip me well all right i am a fucking gay bitch that's good that's really good yeah um yeah man we uh yeah nashville was uh was a lot of fun uh zany's was sick zany's what a club right wow was it packed yeah yeah i did a did a brunch show um 2 p.m and then speaking of like uh was dusty slay on your show uh i don't

think so you would know if he was he's like he has a lot of heat on him right he's done like fallon and stuff he was on it when i did it he's very nice long hair trucker hat no no dude with long hair all the comics were really funny really Nice. There was only one person that didn't do well. There was a lot of bombs when I did that. No. She didn't do well and she was kind of shitty to me in the green room. Who was it? Good. I forget her name.

I can't wait to find out. But, yeah, so I come in the green room and yeah, you've been in there. It's insane. It's the best green room you could have it's yeah first of all you go in there's two fridges one with the stocks with like beer and good beer good like local craft beer yeah the yazoo beer which is a big fan of there's also a tap in there oh wow i didn't see that but yeah then it's like a fridge with like water and

red bull and then they have water it's great yeah they have like gum out for people yeah they have like water it's great yeah they have like gum out for people yeah they have fucking tylenol advil they have literally anything you could think of because karen wasn't feeling well i remember and she's like do you have and i was like oh i think there's some advil in the so i just went and stole advil for her there you go for the rest of the trip it was great yeah yeah um it's weird how you come on stage too it's right there i don't like it like you open a door and the stage is right there but then you have that tv in there too yeah that is the stage so it's like it's like oh i'm performing for these people but i'm also performing for the comics in there too uh but no so i go in there and uh um donnie got me booked on it with uh this comedian

laura she was one of of the co-hosts. And she was like, hey, nice to meet you. She was very welcoming and friendly and everybody was. And then there's the couch. It's like a three-seater couch. And I saw there was a book bag to the left, like the left arm of the couch. But then there was like multiple open seats around it. So I figured I was like, I don't know if the person was sitting here or if it was like the chair that's kind of across,

if that's their thing. So I sit down, there's an open seat to the right of me, open seat to the left. And I sit down for like half a second. I'm like, Hey, how you guys doing Josh?

And a girl comes in kind of like all T looking comic glasses, like big, crazy curly hair. And she's like, um, I was sitting there and I was like, alt-y looking comic, glasses, like, big, crazy curly hair. And she's like, I was sitting there. And I was like, okay, sure. Sorry about that. And it's like, dude, I didn't see you sitting there. There's multiple open seats next to me.

And also, you don't need that. But it was like a very, I don't know, the vibe was just like, excuse me, white man, like, hey. Was she white? Yeah. But it was like, I don't know. It was i was like okay i'll just scoot over and she bombed and i was like good i would have said that to her after like good fucking you're a bad person and you're bad at comedy well it's uh yeah but i think it's the thing that we were talking about where she thinks like you have to fall in line with that stuff. It's cool to be like, no.

That one email our producer friend sent us. Oh, right, right, right. Fucking insane. I'm a vet comic four years. Go fuck yourself. Dude, there's people in this town who have been doing comedy for 10 years and they suck dick. They don't deserve to be booked just because they've been hanging out. No one just gets to do stuff because they've been hanging out for a long time.

Because they've been doing it a long time. Yeah. And yeah. Think of comedy as a woman. Yeah. You don't get to fuck a woman just because you've been around her for a long time. That is, yeah. So comics can have incel thinking.

Yeah. You know, they're like, I drove you to work every day this week. You're supposed to blow me, goddamn. You know, they're just like, I've been doing comedy for five years. I should headline. Yeah. I'm a headliner. Like, have you ever done it?

No. Yeah. Do you have the time? No. Yeah. But yeah, everybody else was really cool. And then I was looking to get a pot down there. One of the co-hosts of the show, his name is Brad Sativa.

And I was like, I bet you know where to get some pot. And he did. Nice. I was too. Karen didn't want me. Karen gets weird when i do that if i well i don't do that but if i did do that yeah no that's all a legend a legend yeah no it's a great yeah when i did everyone bombed before me then dusty went up he did fine then i went up i did okay but it was a pretty empty room because they just had their festival. Actually, the manager of the club saw me.

She's like, oh, you did great. I was like, all right, cool. Then you ask for a spot and you don't ever get a response. But yeah, you know how it goes. Yeah. No, everybody was really good. Was the balcony filled up? I think so.

Wow. And the crowd was very diverse. Nice. It was great. It was a perfect mix it was funny i was like um yeah no i felt pretty good about my set and then like hanging out in the in the green room was so fun like speaking of like everybody's kind of just the same like i love like it seemed like they have a really good scene in the way they were like riffing around with stuff and uh this dude's name is uh chad and he's from chattanooga and

we were all kind of riffing on like he's the uh the chattanooga train or something like that and like riffing on it and then when he went on stage he leaned into that he's like i'm gonna bring you up like that like the chattanooga train or whatever and he's like all right so he brought him up and he just kept doing he's like now when i say chew y'all say chew chew it was great it's fun dude yeah it was cool to see like a good scene and like super funny there it's a it's a good see i think it's pretty new and they're coming up but yeah they're good i met this guy chance out there he's super funny was he on the show yeah i think so chance willie yeah yeah yeah i like him he was a cool kid. He's very young. He has a joke about how he fucked his art teacher. I was like, God.

God, man. You fucking would, dude. Maybe it was him, man. Yes, he was the one that did the Chattanooga thing. It was Chattanooga Chance. Oh, yeah. Chance is cool. I like him a lot.

Yeah. He was very funny. He's been doing comedy for like two years. He was killing harder than I was. I was like, fuck. Oh, he was great. I was like, God damn. great he was just god damn but he is at hometown people are there you forget like yeah i forget that like the south like

they're the south but they're polite and it makes so much sense that um uh uh uh fuck what's that comic's name from nashville oh um clean guy nate bargazzi it makes so much sense nate's from national in the way he does comedy because he's very polite right clean and wholesome and then like i'm up there and i'm just like trying to do the same vibe if i do comedy here and they're like what do you do right i did okay but i never like crushed crushed you know uh it was tough but yeah it was fun yeah i mean it's it's weird to be in a, like, first of all, a club you've never been to. Then you're around a bunch of comics you don't know.

Yeah. Yeah, the whole thing's like, a little on edge. But yeah, you can tell, I mean, they're all comfortable. It's like their DC improv, you know, where it's like they're used to doing it a lot. Before I left for Mexico,

I was featuring for Mark Norman. And it was, dude, it was sick it was in dc yeah every show was sold out pretty much if not the draft house five seats left yeah yeah and the first show which sucks always seven o'clock friday the worst show the best like dude i fucking went up and it was just like they they're ready. Killing. And then Mark goes up, he kills even harder. I mean, like he goes up and like in the first like sentence, it just erupts.

And I'm like, damn, it's going to be an awesome weekend. That's great. And then the next show, Oh buddy, it was tough. Late show Friday.

Late show Friday was hard. It was probably the worst show of the week. That's always suck. And it was not suck, but they're always work because people are tired. It was so the worst show of the week. Those always suck. And it was... I mean, not suck, but they're always work because people are tired. It was so weird because it was mostly his fans. Mm-hmm. But I could never get like a rolling laugh.

It was like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Right. And then I looked at the time and I was like, oh, my God. I have like... Ha, ha. Yeah. That's how they laugh. Usually where I would be closing, i still had like seven or five minutes

i was like holy shit i have to throw another joke right picked an old joke pick the wrong joke oh whoo buddy it fucking bombed and then i closed strong and i was like god this sucks mark's gonna think i suck sean's in the back he's gonna think oh yeah and uh but then Mark had a rough set too so he came off and he was like good yeah because he was like they were tough right I was like yes thank you like a dick like I mean I didn't notice but if you say so I mean I guess I but then weirdly the late show Friday was like the best feedback we got like i got so many followers so many people coming after the show saying hi to us and i think they were just his fans and he even said that he was like yeah if it's a i've noticed a trend like if a lot of tuesday stories tuesdays with stories

fans come they don't really laugh they're not laughers but they're enjoying themselves gotcha so but i get it because they're hardcore comedy fans yeah so they watch comedy like we do we're like oh that's good yeah and they don't like any of like the hack trick stuff they're just very inside they're more like we like you as the person yeah so they were i got like so many followers so many dms from this weekend it was really nice yeah awesome man uh yeah it was fun and the sat the Saturday early show. Yeah. Another hard one. And he had a rough time.

Usually that's the best show of the weekend. And thank God. And it sucked, too, because Karen saw all the bad shows. But whatever. She's seen me do comedy. I was going to say, you mean every show you do, Omar? All right. That's all the time we have.

My Airbnb hosts came to the late show which is nice and they're this older black couple like dude they're so rich they work in banking they live in this like multi-million dollar house and they came and uh um and you stayed what in like their basement or something yeah i stayed in their basement and uh well it was funny because as soon as we got to the airbnb you know karen i had some sex sure lucky it was uh pretty loud and then you we realized you can hear everything every like it's paper thin ceiling if you're like that's what they yeah that's what they wanted they yeah they want me to come on their bnb we want some secs in here yeah from strangers but then it was just like oh we felt so awkward and we ran in and then i ran into them

like later that day and i was like hey and then our kids there i was like oh my god you have kids they heard us have sex but they weren't their kids they were just the neighbor's kids thank god thank god yeah but again i mean you know you're renting out to strangers to yeah exactly they know what's up yeah and yeah And yeah, they were very nice. But it was funny because after the show, they were talking to me and they were talking about me working in Baltimore and all that stuff. And like, yeah, we're thinking about buying property in Baltimore. Where should we buy?

I was like, you can buy anything you want. Oh, yeah. You can buy anything you want. Truly. I want to buy Griffiths across the street. Yeah. And then it was funny because I was talking and I'm like, I'm so hyped because the late show was great. We both fucking destroyed the late show.

Even like Sean told Chris Allen I crushed. I was like, oh, that feels good. There you go. Yeah. And then the woman's like, yeah, I don't really like. She was trying to retell some story and it involved cussing. She's like,'t really like cussing so much i'm like i wish you would have told me that like what the fuck lady this conversation i'm just like a whore bitch fuck like you were saying that but i was just saying i was saying the f word a lot oh and they're like these very older

educated people right but they were really nice it was cool it was just nice it was cool it was a great it was the best comedy weekend i've ever had because every night we're going out we're hanging and i've never opened up for someone where there's like um i mean like like not like super i'm talking about like at a club like super famous people it's different yeah and they're not gonna hang out with you no no and their fans yeah they they're nice but it's like it's a different thing uh-huh where it's like there's never been such a buzz at a club me opening for like while i was opening gotcha gotcha clearly a lot of these people are his fans people are excited they're ready to want to see this show yeah it's not just like we happen

to be here by accident which uh ironically the crowd that was most like that was the best thing yeah but uh but opening up for mark like he's like this cool like up-and-coming comic so like so many younger comics want to hang out with him gotcha so they're like you know it's so like i'm getting all these dms like dude i'm gonna be there we're gonna hang out i'm like all right and uh so we go out afterwards and all these comics come with us that kind of sucks it yeah it sucks uh so most are cool i feel bad for him that's what i'm saying because when uh when you had him on gin and jokes you're like do you want to say hi he's in the back i'm like i'm guessing he's in the back because he wants

but you're it's different because you're on the show but i also didn't want to be like hey man like right and he hates that right exactly so you i didn't even say anything to him until he got off stage i was like hey man nice to meet you great set and he was like comedy yeah he's also weird like i but i get it because you got to keep your distance from people if you don't know them. And he's really good. Even my buddy, my buddy drove from Baltimore alone. That's how big of a fan of Mark he is.

And he saw one of the worst shows. But he still thought it was amazing. Oh, yeah, it wasn't. No, no, no. He was etching in jokes and he came to DC because he's just a huge fan of Mark. Yeah. And so I brought him in the green room and I felt bad because Mark had just left to get

food and he comes back and Mark did the same thing to him. He's like, comedy. All right. Yeah. And but it was whatever. And yeah. But so we're going out and all these people are following. Well, that's what I'm saying.

Like, even if you're in like the best of mood, like you can't give that much energy to people. Otherwise, you're like, it's an opening. I got to get in there. Yeah. So all these people are following us. This one kid, he's real nice, but he just started doing comedy. I think he's like 22 years old. And we're trying to figure out like where we can get

food where it's not too crazy like a diner and we're you know it's that thing when you're with friends it takes like 45 minutes to pick a place right right there's so much like google i did pizza yesterday so we ended up we're like fuck it we'll just go to big hunt we'll eat next door and then we'll all go do sets at big hunt so um this one guy jason I think he's the new comic. Uh-huh. He was like, well, my car's right here. And I looked at him. I was like, damn, it's like a 0.7 mile walk to your car.

And I was like, where did you park? He's like, in a garage. I was like, dude, you idiot. And I'm kind of drunk. Wow. Me and Mark had started drinking at the club. And I'm like, dude, you parked in a garage? What are you doing?

There's so much free parking here. Oh, buddy. And then so we get to the garage. Yeah. And I'm like, in my drunk case, I'm like, I think we're almost at Big Hunt. So there's a bunch of Ethiopian garage people. They're going. I think that's racist, but okay.

You know what I'm going to do. We're surrounded by garage people. And garbage. Whoa. And so they're surrounded by garage people. And garbage. Whoa. And so they're getting in his car. And I look on the map. We're a three-minute walk from where we need to be, which is in like downtown D.C., right off DuPont. I'm like, dude, just leave your car here.

It's going to fucking suck for you to find parking again. And so I. Now, what time does that garage close? It's all night. Okay. Okay okay but it's a 25 flat fee okay they're going to get his car and i run to the guys i'm like and i'm like oh you're all drunk and i'm all drunk i'm like guys this kid he's young he's dumb he's never been to dc before he doesn't know what he's doing can you just leave his car here blah blah blah and i didn't really remember it being that bad until the next day mark's like dude you were

drunk he's like you were pretty drunk last night like you're yelling at that one kid you're like this kid's stupid he's never been yeah jesus christ right when that conversation is happening he's like can i put my car back and they're like well where is it and the guy just pulled up with his car uh-huh and they were like did you just pulled up with his car. And they were like, did you pay already? And he's like, yeah. And they were like, well, you have to pay again if you want to park it again. I was like, come on. Because they went and grabbed it.

He just gave you $25. Just let him fucking. I should be like, dude, we'll give you an extra five bucks. Can you just. Right. You know. Right, right, right. But luckily we found parking.

But I don't remember being. I hope he didn't take it that bad. Well, I mean, yeah yeah you call him an idiot and him yeah twice i'm sure he loved it so i'm sure he had a great time so when we go eat and we're uh we're all you know it's just a fun comic hang we're all just like making fun of like this special that special this person sucks this person sucks this person's great uh-huh cool burr stories i'll tell you after the podcast um and uh and then the next day mark told me like yeah that one comic he drove me home and like at the end of the night he just like unloaded on me

he's like hey man like what do i gotta do like i'm blah blah blah and then i was like well what did you tell him he's like i just told him the same thing i'll tell everyone he's like he's not gonna make it he told him that no no he just told him like dude there's no advice you just have to do it do it yeah but then mark's like yeah i just don't think he has it in him i hope he doesn't listen to this that would crush it we're far in yeah that's true um well yeah i mean even on because i'm just thinking on like a local level like there's people that can latch on that are not as good or new at comedy, but also they don't understand the boundary thing.

So they'll be like, hey man, how do you do this? Or when they see you. So I can't imagine on a national level, every city you go to where it's like, oh, woe is me. Everybody wants to hang out and talk to me. But it would drain me

because I would be earnestly talking to them and then everybody would want to do that yeah it sucks you just and everybody's like how can you help me and it's like i don't even fucking know like i can't help my best friends like i yeah to that to that extent you know yeah i yeah it's it looks not fun at all we so it's because he can't even help himself like he's struggling right to get uh anything like he had to record an album by himself a guy that jerry seinfeld just said yeah on tv new york that he's the next up mark is the next up and coming comic is not couldn't get another couldn't get another comedy central hour couldn't get another Comedy Central hour, couldn't get Netflix, so he had to record an album.

But now he has another plan where he's going to shoot a special himself. Sell it. Try to sell it to Comedy Central for very cheap so they can throw up on their online stuff. Yeah. He's like, look, just let me record a 30-minute hour or whatever. Yeah. I'll pay for everything.

Pay for it. You guys just put it up just so we can get views. But people know who is weird. Like I was at brunch. We went to brunch, all of us. And I got there first. So I'm just like hanging out. I ended up talking to this couple.

Yeah. And then Mark and Chris and all of them come in. And the one guy I was talking to was like, is that Mark Norman? I was like, yeah. I was like, are you eating with us? He's like, no, I'm just a fan of his. I've seen his YouTube.

I saw a YouTube clip and I've just been obsessed. Nice. I was like, wow, how crazy is that? I was like, are you going to the show tonight? He's like, no, I didn't know he was in town. I was like, god damn it. I had no idea. This is why it doesn't work.

Right. Because people care. But there's something you need something else to make people care that much more where they buy follow you and buy a ticket you gotta have a tv show or something that's really it's really like tv or movies i mean that's why people that didn't do stand-up but were on tv and movies can do stand-ups like i know that guy from the thing yeah aziz amy schumer all those types um so i was gonna say so when so when I did a show in Pennsylvania last month, there were so many comics on the show.

And there was one kid, I had met him before, but he was really funny. So it's like those types of situations where it's like you barely know somebody, but they're just like, here's everything, you know? Yeah. Younger kid, I think he's maybe like his early 20s. barely know somebody yeah they're just like here's everything you know yeah um younger kid i think he's maybe like his early 20s and uh he had some really good joke like really like kind of kind of dark but like funny um god what was uh he he had to close on like he had like a minute what was his dick joke his dick joke was something like uh my dick is uh it's a lot like

sports but more so in the people that are on the bench they always just kind of watch the game but never play the game or like something like that basically it was like a jerk off thing saying like i don't actually play the sport you know but i watch a lot of game film kind of thing so like saying watches porn which is like oh that's pretty funny you know and uh i'm not doing it justice but it like had some stuff in there but before that he did a joke about uh he's like yeah when i was in uh high school they started a facebook group uh that was like we hate john or whatever and that was his name he's like yeah and they started a face group facebook group making fun of me and saying they hate me but jokes on them uh they couldn't hate me as much as i hate myself and everybody was just

like jesus yeah wow it's like yeah and then so like that kind of that kind of bombs but then he did that that dick joke at the end there and uh went fine but then as he was getting off stage he mimed putting a gun into his mouth and like going like that and i was like wow wow wow my god so i go in and uh so the show is outside on like a patio thing and then the bar was like right at the door like where you go in and out and so he was at the bar and i was like hey man like you're all right you know like hey like pretty good set you just gotta you know like you okay and he's like no i don't know that joke normally does well and then like come to find out like it does well like open mics so if like you see if other comics are like fucked up and they're like

that's great dude i can't i yeah i don't know what i can't do like certain open mics anymore i like or types of shows like i would did sidebar the monday before i uh the mark shows just to like get revved up yeah and uh just fucking bummed with tried and true new jokes that have been crushing like i mean i had just come off the night before in frederick and i like i crushed i mean i crushed crushed and uh and thank god one of the comics were in the crowd yeah that were in the crowd were also at sidebar i was like oh thank god you know i don't suck and but he gave me such an inflated intro i guess based on that yeah and i just fucking bombed uh well half my set I crushed because I was just making fun of Maria Sanchez before me.

Yeah. Just riffing on her. And then I bombed. And then I did this show a couple of nights ago. It was a house party show. And Valance goes up. He does well. This other chick goes up.

I don't think she is funny or had any good jokes. But you can tell she's new. And she has something. But it's just a lot of like, want to suck valence's dick and people are like oh my god like that's my material and she just kept talking about like how much she likes sucking dick and eating pussy but just no jokes and she's right so well i'm like all right there's a hot crowd but then there's something in my head where i was like, I'm probably going to bomb. And boy, I didn't bomb bomb, but it just wasn't fun. A little rough. It was just like, they don't want jokes.

It's an uphill battle. I don't know what to do. I'm tired. The show didn't start until 1130. Yeah. And I was like, what is going on? Yeah, I just think it's such a different, I don't know. Like I think like at these open mics and these types of shows,

like, I don't know if people want jokes as much as they just want you to be a little crazy. And yeah, well, it's, well, at the open mic,

you're expecting like joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. So then if somebody is like, man, what the fuck,

you know, like kind of mess with the form, it's a little fun, but also it's usually the same comics. Yeah these open mics so then you have a feel for that person and so they can maybe get by on personality rather than jokes yeah and then it's kind of not cool to try also if the joke is like very right there's there's a formula it's like doing magic for magicians yeah i get how you did the trick yeah i was like what am i and then i was like god all these people because i already know a lot of them talk shit and they're like oh umar's not even funny why does he get work

i love that god go fuck yourself i'm fucking funny yeah you know that you're good though it's uh yeah i mean that shit's gonna happen all the time it's then i heard like maria destroyed and then ivan destroyed i laughed i was like i'm going to happen all the time. But then I heard like Maria destroyed and then Ivan destroyed. I laughed. I was like, I'm going to bed. Sometimes you're just off, man. Yeah, it was a week of me not doing stand-up. I was fucking up setups.

Well, so this kid, so the kid that I was talking about, so it just like got worse because then he got just like kind of drunk. While you're talking to him post- post i think he'd given like a little buzz before the show and then like after his set he was like super bummed bueno and uh we're just sitting there like hey yeah man you should like not pretend to put a gun in your mouth when you get off stage you know that kind of makes people feel weird and uh he's like yeah yeah and like some time passes and i'm talking to other comics we're kind of at the corner of the bar so there's like three or four of us and then all of a sudden there's like the smallest lull in the conversation he's not really involved just kind of like off to the side and he's just

like i think i'm gonna get fired tomorrow what does he do what does he do he's a salesman oh and he sells like i forget what it is but it's it's something something in like it's either has to do with like kitchens or bathrooms like some type of like remodeling thing for houses and he's like yeah my boss said that i should um practice my presentations on my friends just to like go through it once in a while and practice and now he's like you now that you've done it you should actually try to sell it to him and i don't want to do that and i think they're gonna fire me and i'm like yeesh well all right uh i'm sure there's so much more to that i mean maybe and maybe there's not it could just be like still sucks yeah yeah i mean i can see it where if it's some boss it's like yeah i mean you've

already done it just sell it to your friends and honestly if he was smart he would open up his set with i'm probably gonna get fired tomorrow my boss like i do this blah blah and then go into the sales pitch that would be great that would be great and then go into the sales pitch. That would be great. That would be great. And then be like, so who wants to not get me fired? I'm not kidding. Yeah. That would kill. There were tons of people there. Yeah, exactly.

A little punch in there. No, that's great. But yeah, I think he had some other issues going on too. Yeah. Because one of the comics told me that. And I don't know if this is true. I don't know if this is true. I love this but he

said that i hope no comics we've been on shows with list because i trashed that one kid yeah we're this kid we're deep i'm not trying i mean it's just so insane it's just what and i don't know if it's true and he's he's a real sweetheart how old was this guy has to be early 20s like like 22 not the end of the world exactly yeah but and i thought actually what he was upset about like oh he has a heart he doesn't want to like like play his friends like that or use people it's like that makes sense but apparently his parents when they were educating him uh they were talking about the birds and the bees oh no you oh. They showed him a videotape of them having sex. His parents are like, this is what sex is.

Oh, my God. And no wonder. Are we still recording? No wonder. No, we're recording. This kid's so fucked up. God. And I don't know if that's true.

Not only did you see that, but you're being raised by people who think that's okay. Yes. So it's really insane. So I'm like, man, yeah, I had that thought too. I'm like, yeah, maybe just therapy instead of open mics. I don't know. God, that'd be cool if they did that with like every lesson. This is stealing.

Yeah. This is murder. And this is a video of his dad murdering somebody. Get on in here. Come on. Just some hobo. He's like, I'd like to leave now um so yeah i'm just saying like from that level like i can't imagine with mark norman he has to be like

a magnet for those people they're like can you help me can you yeah so actually i talked to chance about this in nashville uh because chance i think is like a fan of mark and it came up and i heard on mark's podcast when he was in nashville he started was doing open mics and some kid on the mic when he found out mark was there like he and he was bombing he's a really weird kid and the kid was just like yeah at the end of his set he's like i'm gonna fucking murder mark and then mark's like whoa is this guy kidding and he was just really weird and like and people have to explain to that kid, dude, that's not cool. You don't know him. You can't joke like that.

I'd be like, Mark, he does that every show. It's actually weird that you're here. I don't know. That's his normal closer. Oh, yeah, that guy. That guy's a fucking weird dude. Yeah. But yeah, you just meet crazy people.

Oh, yeah. And comedy attracts fucking nuts people. Well, even Mark's fans would send me weird shit. Like this one gay guy started following me which that's not weird that he's gay but and he deleted his text he sent me messages and i was an idiot and i responded and uh yeah i get some of those sometimes it's funny as a dude i mean it happens rarely but you just get a glimpse into what women must get oh but sometimes when gay guys just just like, nice.

Or like, oh, next time, don't wear a shirt. Well, people want to hang out with you after the show. So I got a lot of like, hey, come do, we're going to be here. Where are you guys going? I'm like, we're not fucking telling you where we're going. But this guy invited us to hang out, and he's some gay guy. And he's like, yeah, we're going to be here. Drink some of me.

And I just sent him like a note. I was like, hey, man, I lied. I was like, we're tired. We all went to our hotels. Yeah. And then he's like, well, you know, like if you want a good story, speaking of comedy, I got to tell you about this story about the time me and my husband had a three-way with a taxi driver. And then I like totally ignore that and like a week later he sent me like another message he said uh he said um he he was like oh sorry about that man i got a little too crazy last weekend like anyway um like how did like how do you uh what's a good process for writing comedy material oh my god dude i don't fuck and then he deleted all his messages oh weird yeah

i think he's like a cuckoo guy. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, if you would have went to that, the guy the whole time be like, so like, how do you get into it? What opened my eyes? I got some crazy stories. I got, it was nice because a bunch of people had seen me open up for other people like

Bobby Kelly and Joe Liss and Hasan Minhaj and they were at the show. Like one couple saw me open up for Hasan and then Joe. Dang. And so before the show, I was walking to the bathroom before the early Friday show and they're like Umar and I'm like I was like oh because you know we suck at I was like oh god these are people I probably hung out with and I can't remember yeah but then I found out it was them but so like it was so nice getting those messages and like one kid sent me a message he's like i think i made fun of him for like coming too quickly and um and he was like oh i saw you open up for joe list and i watch your comedy special and he asked me for advice and he was really nice and genuine so i was just like i gave him a real

response right but uh that guy you know the other guy i'm like what the fuck just to say that like no that guy's not being a unappreciative or a dick, but that's just a weird dude that I don't need to have in my life. There's a lot of crazy there. Yeah. And it's like, is he actually going to do stand-up? No. No.

He's just like a weird dude who wants to talk to someone who is friends with somebody he likes. He wants to treat it like therapy. Yeah. Without actually going. Yeah. It's like, God. What the fuck a taxi driver?

I don't know. Yeah. Also, a taxi okay yeah who does that uber come on now dude uber's in mexico so cheap yeah oh my god hour and a half uber ride 22 holy shit that's insane yeah we took uber rides to the the those pyramids not the aztec ones they look like it uh 20 it was like an hour and a half with like traffic on the way back it was like over two hours this poor guy only made 22 dollars oh man yeah i mean you tip them the most you can because it's nothing for us yeah you say that don't you you're

like you're below me this is nothing one guy he could couldn't speak english and he just kept going uh five stars but i was like yeah we'll give you five stars yeah i just kept saying i was like yeah we'll give you five stars yeah it's like please don't kill me yeah i need five stars well it gets scary because uh there's i thought more people would speak english than they do and they don't or at least we didn't encounter the yeah especially if you're driving uber like it was mostly non it's. It's really hard. When we were in Cuba, it was like that. Cuba, because there's even less tourism there.

And less access of stuff coming in. They probably block the internet and stuff. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't as readily available as I thought it was going to be. I mean, we kind of knew we were going to be offline there. But I think they had a lot of Canadian tourists because you would see a lot of those. Oh, weird. What are those bikes?

Fuck. They're like the, they're like little cabs, essentially, where it's like a guy on a bike and then it's like a little like bench seat behind it. I forget what the, like pedicabs, is that what it's called? But you would see those who would have, like, a Canadian flag on it. So it's just like, hey, tourists, we got this. But, yeah, we went to the Tropicana, and that was, like, a drive.

And we had to, like, explain to our cab driver, who didn't really speak any English, like, come back. You know, like, you have to pick us up again. And so, luckily, he figured it out. But it's very hard. And I always fuck with scott about this but like we were trying to go to is it walt whitman who is the author that lived down there not women uh fuck what is this hemingway i think hemingway live in cuba yeah yeah we go we

went to his house and toured it he had a like there's a sign where it's like the main house the the pool house cockfighting ring Like that was just like a normal thing. You're just like this fat white American. Let's go watch some cockfighting on my land. Cockfighting is huge in Puerto Rico. That's their national sport. That's insane. Yeah.

Uh, but Scott, when we were trying to get a taxi cab, he was speaking in English, but with like Hispanic accent, he's like, we want to go. I did that.

I did the thing where I slow everything down. Dude, so many. I took Spanish 1 and Spanish 2 in high school, and then I had to take three classes of Spanish in college. Didn't remember shit. Really? Like I could barely. Dude, so many times Karen and I both on numerous occasions were like. Miyamo, Chipotle.

Yeah, yeah. So many times we were like, no habla ingles. I mean, and then they would laugh at us. We're like, ah, estupido. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was tough. But it's not too bad because spanish they have very similar words and everyone it's so weird how like people can just

pick up what you're trying to say like one time we had to get this taxi driver to take us to the bank oh because when we landed in puerto escondido there's no uber there and we're like oh my god what are we gonna do but the taxis is such a small town they're the taxis are so abundant and uh so cheap like 50 pesos yeah which is like two dollars yeah or 250 and uh yeah but we're we wanted to go to the bank and then from the bank we want to go somewhere else and we're trying to communicate like uh we can you stay here and then and then he totally just got it and yeah it was just like all right well yeah you you learn to speak tourist essentially you're like all right if they're pointing here and then do another thing they want to go to another spot yeah one taxi driver drove

us to like one of the the nicest restaurant in that town um it's so it was so good dude we five drinks two appetizers three entrees with tip it was 116 dollars and it was like some of the best food i've ever eaten in my life right and uh but we saw the guy drops us off and uh and he was like uh bon appetit yeah it was cool dude i mean like mexico's so nice everyone is so friendly uh yeah it was a cool town yeah i love mexico when we were there yeah i thought everybody was so cool i'd like to go back yeah well i mean we're gonna build that wall so i'm glad you got it in i know we're never gonna go again never gonna go again yeah uh july 4th was good we had uh the tanks that was fun in dc did you see that yeah hell yeah dude go off king i didn't watch it did you watch it no i didn't watch it we did uh

we went um we went to uh our friend john's uh parents house where they have an above ground pool that was pretty nice with some county shit yeah it was out in the county it was very nice i remember my friend in middle school when now that I look back on it, he was my best friend in middle school, but when I look back, his family is complete white trash. Super nice people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was the first kid I ever met where he could cuss in front of his mom and at his mom.

And he'd be like, fuck you. You stupid. And he'd just be like, God, what the fuck? And it's just like, I mean, later on, I think this guy had like pill addictions and stuff. Really? Wow. He might have like a monster energy tattoo. I don't know.

But they had like a above ground pool. And I was like, and like he always had whatever he wanted. So I thought he was rich. Let's just say 100% he has a monster energy tattoo. Yes. Yeah. 100%. And I just thought, I was like i was like oh man his family's like

rich and it's like oh no they just yeah spent money their money on dumb shit all the time but they had an above ground pool and i was like man this is the light theirs was nice and it was cool because there was uh the water that like kind of filtered in and out and then the hose was up against the wall so it made like just a nice like circular kind of wave pool kind of naturally nice so you just float on your little donut floaty float around have a beer it's like this is america oh above ground pool good time beer i've have a new love for shitty lager beers oh modelo dude modelo and corona i think i'm just gonna be buying those a modelo in a like a in a frosty bottle is nice so you rip off that gold little label oh yeah yeah it's got that like fat bottom

yeah yeah dude it's so much better you don't feel gross yeah it's like drinking water yeah you're just downing these things they're so cheap and uh yeah like craft beer it's like it's like 800 calories per beer yeah and and you can you drink two you feel disgusting you drink three you're like an animal yeah karen karen had one of my ipas on july 4 she's like i don't know how you drink it i'm like i know it's a little hobby she's like no it just feels so heavy like i don't feel it i'm not an ipa fan i will drink it but it's not like I know it's a little hoppy. She's like, no, it just feels so heavy. I'm like, ah, I don't feel it. I'm not an IPA fan. I will drink it, but it's not like... But then it's like all that's available.

Fuck with session IPAs. They're less alcohol, not as filling. It's nice. I just don't drink beer anymore, really. But we drank beer because the one time we were in... It's everywhere. And it's so cheap. They didn't have good drink.

Just like if you were getting like... They didn't they didn't have like like they didn't even have soda well they had soda water we didn't know how to so you don't have good drinks yeah okay well we just wanted vodka sodas yeah but they don't call it soda water they call it mineral water we didn't know that and so he thought we meant coke and we're like no no vodka coke so gross so we're like fuck it let's just get beer yeah which is cheap it was great yeah no i i loved how cheap it was down there it was like modelo great yeah very nice very nice um so now i'm trying to think is there anything else uh uh july 4th uh then we ended up going to our friends lauren and john to their house and then uh where do they live they live out in the county in um god what part it's like sort of like you're kind of headed towards towson cockiesville i forget but it's very nice it's spread out and they live like basically in a

cabin kind of in the woods um which is really nice and then katie and andrew came over and we ended up playing charades it was such like a adult thing oh yeah it's like an episode out of uh like a netflix show yeah yeah but it was great we grill uh john grilled burgers we made this corn salad thing just like hung out had a couple beers and played charades probably for like an hour or more fireworks uh no we later went to uh canton it was a hell of a day it was a strong day we went to canton to karen's parents house and we were on the rooftop deck and we could see fireworks from everywhere there's like that new what's the the thing that kevin plank sandlot no new community it's like harbor point or something like that i don't know anyway but yeah you could see a show over there you could see downtown and then i think there was one like

kind of in the hamden-ish area but there was a dude in the alley wearing an american flag like button-up shirt it's like a big flag with like an eagle on it on his shirt big fat bald guy he put on a show just in the alley he was fucking great it was so cool except there were these lame ass fucking white people like a couple houses down they're complaining they're on their deck and it was like it looked like the dude and then his dad and they walk over like hey just so you know you're upsetting Hey, man, this is what it is. Yeah. It's like going up to Santa.

Fuck your kids. Tell them to go inside. It's like going up to Santa on Christmas and being like, hey, you're upsetting my kids. I thought you were like, hey, you're upsetting the Jews. The Jews. Okay? It's rude, bro. No, but yeah, that's what I'm saying.

It's like this is what july 4th is oh yeah fuck those people do any people who complain about firework i don't know it's annoying like i saw some of my uh and it wasn't a crazy time it was nine o'clock yeah and you're like dude this is prime time this is when you do it i think my new tradition sandlot for fireworks we went to the sandlot yeah it was a ten dollar cover which whatever kind of yeah but yeah you're surrounded by fireworks there's fireworks on three sides of you that's so that's we could see all three and it's amazing you're right there they're right there well one's right two are right there and then one's like i think in like uh straight across like in brooklyn you

can see those that's like where the new thing is that's like where kevin plank's like the under armor and sagamore and all that because it was right next to silo point that big building to the right yeah and have you been to his restaurant out there i haven't been to the restaurant good i got to do a tour of the uh distillery oh yeah we went to go do that then we ended up just going to the restaurant yeah no i want to i want to go there um but yeah it was a lot of fun the dude the dude must have spent like two grand on fireworks like he was just going and then so he kind of had to like move out of the alley into the street which was fun so we could still see that and then it was funny to see like groups of like drunk people they would just like stop and watch it like yeah dude yeah it was

great fourth of july is great yeah i don't like i don't give it you know i'm not like patriotic at all but yeah fireworks are awesome yeah and it's more so about the hang you're like just an excuse to like take it oh we were just sitting on the sand drinking beer and it was a last minute decision we were wrapping up dinner at the food market and uh I was like, dude, let's go see fireworks. And our buddies were down there. So we just took an Uber down. Yeah. For some reason, Uber was so cheap.

It was $10 to get there, $8 to get home. Maybe there were a lot out there. Maybe, yeah. And it was great. Fucking A, man. Yeah. Look at us. Look at us.

Are we done? Ending on a positive American note. Yeah, we're an hour 15 in. We done. Oh, we done. We done. So we got some shows coming up. Oh, we do.

We're going to be in Ellicott City together on the... 17th, right? I think 18th. 17th is another gig. And it's at the what? Siriana Cafe in Ellicott City, Main Street. 8 p.m., baby. Be there.

I can't believe I remember that. Hey, now. It's me and you co-headlining. Yeah. Rose is hosting. And then, oh, shit. Who's the other girl on this? She's so funny.

Yeah. I can't remember, but she's great. It'll be a good one. So come out to that. On the 21st, I will be at the Cellar Door in Frederick, the aforementioned Cellar Door. 26th, I'll be at some winery in Carlisle, PA. I'll post about that.

And then on the 31st, I'm going to headline the Colony Club in D.C. Oh, that's fun. I've done that. It's small, but it's fun. Hopefully it's fun. No, I did it's small but it's fun yeah i did hopefully it's fun no i did it i did it once and i had a good time yeah no it's like holds maybe what like 25 people the most maybe but they're really good so dude when i did it there was like not that many people there but a couple came to see me oh no way friends saw me open for hustling like there's this pakistani

guy you gotta see him oh my god my God. I think I disappointed them. It's so funny to go from a, like, a club show or, like, a theater to that. Oh, yeah. All right. I, this Friday, the 12th, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, for some reason, there's a Sunday show.

I don't know why. It's probably not gonna sell. But I'm opening up for my buddy taylor williamson um he was on uh america's got talent so we're gonna be at the dc comedy loft in the big room uh two shows on the friday and saturday one show on sunday pow pow pow uh oh my god i start to start writing jokes uh on the 17th i am doing the time machine roast at the dc improv get it uh it's gonna be a nightmare for me but yeah it's a great show i'm surprised you're doing it again honestly i tried to say no i was like benji i don't think i'm good at this show and benji's like dude i think you're good and i was like all right fuck it's 75 dollars right uh so i'm gonna start writing jokes today

uh on the 18th me and you are co-headlining, and then a couple other shows I forgot about in July, whatever. And August 1st, Shane Gillis is headlining. Oh, I love it. Gin and Jokes. I love it. Got to get some people of color to balance out Shane Gillis. Shane's so fucking funny.

He's so funny. I hope my crowd likes him. I think they will i think so because he can go at him a little bit yeah yeah he's he's i love shane he's been one of my favorites for a while yeah i have another show saying camera whatever who cares oh yeah i forgot to plug uh speechless that's gonna be the 25th 7 p.m at the deucey draft house and that's that monthly show that i do that's a improvised PowerPoint show. It's a lot of fun.

Did you sign up for Artscape? No. I fucked up because you always remind me. I know. I forgot all about it. I'm so pissed. It's an easy $100. Easy. Yeah, you got to spend $25 to apply or like $20 to apply and then you get on. Last year I didn't even apply. There was some glitch. They thought I

applied and I got it. That's the one I hosted, right? No, you, you get on. Last year, I didn't even apply. There was some glitch. They thought I applied, and I got it. So last... Because that's the one I hosted, right? No. It was last year or the year before. You hosted two years ago. Right. Yeah. I got on that one, too.

Wait. Yeah. What was last year? No. We didn't do it. I didn't do it last year. You did. I forgot.

I had to cancel last year because I was hosting for Kurt Metzger. Oh, right, right, right, right, right. I mean, it was fun hosting, but i it was right easy money yeah no the thing happened once where they basically just ran back all the people that got it the year before and so that's when i was hosting i kept getting a lot of messages of like dude i live in new york now like i didn't even apply for this but when you did it the last time it was in the big theater the way big set up yeah so do they let lot, a lot of people in or was it just bleachers? Oh no, it was packed.

It was like the whole thing. It was bleachers in the back and then like seats everywhere. Damn. It was so many people. Ah, it's such a fun show. It's so easy to kill. Oh yeah. Just 10 minutes in and out.

It was, uh, yeah, I, yeah, I saw people posting about it and i was like oh yeah yeah me too and i was like oof all right well thank you everybody for listening sorry we were uh tardy boys but uh yeah i'm actually gonna be out of town this weekend too oh where are you going uh i'm going to north carolina to visit my cousin cool and uh she's outside of Asheville. So I'm excited to see that place. That should be fun. Yeah. Follow me on the gram and Twitter and all that stuff at Josh Kaderna. Umar, you want to plug your...

Umar Khan, 821 on the gram. Get it, girl. All right. David Koechner, take us out. Digression Sessions, coming to an end Thank you. Bye.