The Digression Sessions - Ep. 293 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on the week, comedy, and Josh's cancelled flight. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. That's what Evan does. Hey everybody. Welcome back to Hot Coffee Talk. Actually it's Hot Cold cold brew talk there you go uh uh this this animal over here umar saying that uh you make a cold brew at home but you're making concentrates when you drink it it's supposed to be half water half the uh so when you pour it

out you pour a cup of water and then pour that into water uh no i'll start with the coffee like say if i had um i don't know a mug or whatever it is i would put the concentrate in first so that way i know how much is in there and then i would probably do maybe not half but maybe like i don't know two thirds to one third two thirds coffee straight coffee dude it tastes so good it's it's yeah because it's a concentrate and i drink so much i drink like i wonder how much more caffeine that i drink like 30 ounces a day damn that's probably a lot of caffeine yeah dude yeah i don't feel bad though yeah it's bad for me uh i don't know i mean it's uh it's it's probably worse to have like a Red Bull or something.

I drink a lot of water, too. There you go. You got to balance it out. Yeah, I had myself a cold brew yesterday around like 7. Bad move. That shit kept me up till like 3 a.m. Wow. Because it didn't really hit me until like 11.

I was like, damn, I'm getting my second wind. Yeah, coffee doesn't affect me that way. Like I drank coffee at midnight last night or like 11 30 because i needed to drive home it's almost dc and i went to bed well i mean i stayed up but i didn't have a problem sleeping it's almost like you uh have so much caffeine in your system that it doesn't really do anything yeah i don't think it does i don't think it fucking does but uh yeah like it's so funny like how bad some people's cold brew is like uh coffee shops it's the easiest thing to do yeah my cold brew i will put up against any coffee shop oh yeah what a shop i'll put up my

coffee shops i paid like five dollars for cold brew and i'm like mine is way better maybe because i'm drinking it straight man but my coffee tastes so good dude should we open up a shop dude i'm fucking i'm gonna open up a stand cold brew bros yeah cold brew bros yeah because uh it would be funny because if you're just selling like pure caffeine essentially you're all jacked up yeah like fuck other coffee places where's the? I'll fight everybody right now. Yeah. And you won't have to talk to some awkward person behind the counter to get my cold brew, you know?

Just a normal personality. It won't take 15 minutes to get a coffee. What do you want? You won't have to hear about the intersectionality of Game of Thrones and sexism. Yeah. One time I went to a local coffee shop. Dragon representation isism. Yeah. One time I went to a local coffee shop. Dragon representation is wrong. Yeah, I was at a local coffee shop on the Ave.

And I don't know how, like, I guess they were talking about it. So I chimed in. I thought they were fans of Game of Thrones. And I was like, oh, yeah, I just started watching it. It's great. They're like, actually, we stopped because they didn't like... It's like, we just think it's unnecessary. They just treat women in that show badly.

I'm like, yeah, it's a made up... Yeah. It's a made up... You're not watching a documentary, you idiot. No, yeah. And they're not saying this is how it should be. Yeah, this is bad. Like Sansa getting raped is bad.

Yeah, that's the idea. That's why she got rescued. It's not like when they were writing and they were like, ooh, this is good. Yeah. This is going to be great for women. Oh my God. Yeah, that drove me nuts got rescued it's not like when they were writing and they're like oh this is good yeah this is gonna be great for women oh my yeah that drove me nuts too it's just like also a guy got his dick chopped off so yeah tons of guys got his head cut off sure so many yeah i mean so many people are killed in that show but that's what drove me nuts too it's like we need to talk about the representation of powerful women in game of thrones i'm like you mean the show about zombies with dragons like let's chill the fuck out yeah people are so weird like uh oh man what happened recently oh i just lost god my fucking isn't that caffeine brain

the worst feeling it's not good because your brain it's like i have it too you know we're having a conversation you're like oh that reminds me of this thing i can't wait to bring that up and then it's like just gone like nowhere in my yeah in your brain you're like it has to be in there how is it gone there you go remind me of me and evan evan uh so you know how like the women shout out to the women's world cup team shout out to yeah i mean they lost to boys no i i think they there's no way you can be adults and play kids and let them lose right you would never do yeah also it was it was a nothing thing it was like let's let these kids have fun yeah yeah i look yeah they're like

oh high school boys beat them like if they were actually playing they would exactly there's no way these girl women were like yeah so for trying their hardest against a 15-year-old boys team. Under 15. Yeah. For those that don't know, it was like... Was it somewhere in Texas? It was Texas. Yeah.

The Women's World Cup team did a scrimmage against a middle school... I guess high school? Yeah. High school team of boys playing soccer, and they won five to two. Yeah. And so all these people are pointing like oh you want to pay the women high schoolers can beat that it's like oh they couldn't it wasn't like a sanctioned match and they all like took tons of pictures together i'm sure they're just

having fun fucking around but uh well we're so my buddy evan him and his friend who's a woman they constantly like argue about like uh she thinks the only reason women are not as strong as men not as athletic as men let me stop you right there god hates them yes right yeah or else he would give him normal size brains she thinks uh that it's because of socialization so she evan, well, what about like bone density and muscle mass and all that? And she's like, no, it's all social. Like if you, if women were raised like boys in this country or world, then they would be. But then Evan's like, well, how did it get this? And then she's like, it's just men keeping women down.

I'm like, well, if you guys are just as strong as us. Yeah. Like it had to originate. I'm not saying it's a good thing, just as strong as us. Yeah. It had to originate. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it had to originate somewhere, right? I think, yeah. Men are stronger. So they're like hunters. And then, God, this just makes you sound like such a men's right activist.

Yeah. But we were trying to figure this out. Almost very alt-right. How did it become that men are like the... it has to be because they're stronger like that is why they're the dominant. Sure. Gender. And I'm sure there were or whatever sex dominant. But yeah.

Well, also what you're saying, too, is like if they can put on all the muscle mass and everything else, like go do it then. Yeah. So that was another thing it's just like well then if if you're aware of this then you can just go do it if there were tons of women that were like able to throw a fastball or hit a home run yeah like like a dude in the major leagues to be like all right we need to maybe talk about this there's hundreds of thousands of women that are hitting home runs and also nobody's stopping anybody like yeah well some people might right but i understand the socialization thing but it's like if if a chick was working out at a gym nobody'd be like

hey cut it out you know what i mean like yeah she's like can you spot me nobody'd be like you get out of here yeah like you're in the South or something with like Jim Crow era stuff. Like you're not welcome around here. That's not happening. Yeah, I watched only the last game of the World Cup, and I had no idea it was the last game. Oh, yeah. Because even the announcers, they weren't like really hyping it up. It just seemed like another game in the tournament.

And because it was an 11 o'clock game during the day and there was three other games happening that day yeah you're just like oh i guess this is just one of the it was also happening in europe too so that's why it started earlier it was early it was daytime right well it could be evening yeah because it was uh because it was in france so what is what? A three hour difference? Something like that? Three and a half hours? I don't know. So yeah, it probably started around like four. Yeah.

But like, so I'm just watching it. And it was a pretty boring game overall. Yeah. Soccer? Yeah. Sometimes it's fun. Yeah. I'll only watch the World Cup.

Like everybody. Same here. Yeah, of course uh but i didn't start watching until the second half when i started watching they had already played a full half and it was zero zero yeah we watched the whole thing yeah no i started the second half and then uh yeah it was pretty good from what from where we picked up it was like right where the uh penalty kick happened pretty much yeah but uh megan rapinoe megan rap yeah that was crazy hey don't don't you burp during her name that's disrespectful you would not do

that to a male soccer player i mean you don't know yeah oh i do know you're supposed to be in north carolina what happened yeah you're like hey man man, don't call me up. Dude, I got fucked over. I was going to Asheville to hang out with my fam. And I took a Lyft. I was all packed up and everything. Took a Lyft to BWI. Nice 30 bucks there. Get to the airport.

A little hungry. Got some time on my hands i got a i almost got mcdonald's and i was like no yeah something not not as terrible so i got a i got a tuna sandwich on rye all right with a little bit of lettuce and uh some uh pickles and tomatoes how much is a tuna sandwich in an airport 12 oh my god well i got a water, too. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so I think it was like 10 plus 2 for a water. And I was like, damn, I don't have enough time to eat this. I'm going to have to eat it on the plane. And I was kind of excited to talk about it on the podcast,

be like, yo, you ate Chipotle? I ate a tuna melt on a packed plate. But, yeah, we're supposed to board at 759. And at 758, everybody lines up. And then the people at the gate, they just go, oh, it's canceled. And like, holy shit. Why? So it had been raining all day, but it stopped raining when I got to the airport.

Oh, it was real bad. Yeah. So I don't know if it was lightning or whatever, but it really sucked, too, because then you could start to see the sunset. Like the sun was peeking out over the clouds and there was no rain. And they're like, ah, it's canceled. It's like, what? Did you get your money back? Yeah.

So the thing I got my money back, but you could exchange it for a flight like for no fee, which is nice. But given my schedule, I'm like like i don't know when i can fly back and i was just going for vacation but other people were fucking pissed oh yeah dude you're going back home well yeah this guy was like this is the only weekend i can see my family and the people are like sir we didn't call you know like what they can do is pay for him to go on another airline uh they weren't offering that. Really? No.

I think there's a... I mean, maybe if they went to the other, like, the desk, like, up front in the airport. But, yeah, people were pissed. So, in that airline, it was Allegiant. And they only fly out of BWI on Thursday and Sunday. So, like, the flight's canceled. It's the last flight of the evening. But you can fly out on sunday it's like that doesn't work for anybody it's just like so if you fly out on sunday it's like yo i gotta

work on monday dude imagine that being your job to tell people i felt for them man oh my god and because there was this one woman speaking of like shitty customer service she was so shitty she uh she was doing the thing where like you pretend like you're being nice yeah she's like okay well if the flight's canceled what am i supposed to do and like sort of like pretend smiling oh to the people yeah yeah yeah yeah it's not cool and they're like oh you can fly out on sunday she's like, but if it's on Sunday and it was a flight that already existed, isn't it already all booked? Yeah. That's a funny thing. Like, I remember working retail and people would yell at me like I have any sort of decision making in anything.

Yeah. That's what they're like, man, we didn't make the decision. And also the guy goes, well, not necessarily. The flight's not necessarily sold out. She's like, but if there's already people on it and like pretending to smile it's like shut up i used to work at circuit city in like the uh the main department which is like the cds like the dvds gaming systems phones yeah and this is when like people would still buy buy like wireless headset phones for their house remember like oh yeah wireless but then like so you could buy these like crazy ones they're all like yeah like wireless headset phones for their house. Remember like home phones and wireless?

So you could buy these like crazy ones. They're all like connect to each other and blah, blah, blah. And they're like getting fancy. And we were supposed to read up about this stuff. And I just never did because I'm 16. I'm getting paid $8 an hour, which back then is insane. Oh, yeah. It's nothing.

Plus it's like I'm'm gonna do homework for my job nah yeah fuck that like i don't even do homework for school at that point i don't do do homework and uh people would ask me all the time like so uh what's the difference between these phones and it's like that louis episode i would literally hold up both the boxes and just straight read i'm like okay well this one has this. Yeah, yeah. And then one time- This one has four hours of battery life. This has six.

And one time a guy was like, why are you just reading? Because I'm not a, you think I'm a phone expert? Dude, look at me. I have hair to my shoulders. I'm wearing a studded belt from Hot Topic. I don't know anything about anything.

Also, think about it from the opposite perspective. Say that guy bought it and you were like pretending to know all about it yeah it comes out he's like honey well the child said that this one was better yeah it's like yo you're an adult you do the reason ever imagine asking a 16 year old at a store about his opinion on how you an adult should spend your money yeah well the child said that this one goes a little better i look so stupid i used to wear like dicky pants yeah like baggy dicky pants i'm sure he was like excuse me you're like huh i wore yeah i was wearing like i had a chain wallet yeah i had a A studded, literally a studded belt and super long hair.

And I wore like a Blink-182, like not, it didn't say Blink-182 on the shoot, but it was like their company shoes. Can I say something? Yeah. This screams tech expert to me. Yeah, seriously. And they're like, yeah, let me consult with this guy first. So what would you say is better about this wireless phone?

Huh? This one is white. My dad will still do that. Like, we'll go to places. We'll be at, like, Target. And he just, like, wants, like, he just wants people's, like, recommendations on, like, one product versus. I was like, nobody here gives a shit dad yeah nobody cares nobody knows anything they just want a job as a kid yeah and in this day and age too you can

just hop on the internet and look that shit up yeah like you should know what you're getting before you get in the store i know yeah i will do that with food though like like a yuppie idiot like at a restaurant like okay so uh like to the server like okay you've had is the bird so i'm thinking about the burger or the ahi tuna which one do you like and they're just like and they're just like i don't know like do you think i've eaten the whole menu but they have to lie and like the ahi tuna is so good i'm like oh let's go with that last time we were we were just at like a restaurant in col in the suburbs, and my dad asked the people where they got their fish and how. And I'm like, Dad, this guy literally woke up at 3 p.m. today

to get to work at 4. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't give a shit. Yeah, and also it showed up on a truck frozen from wherever the fuck. Yeah. It's not going to be great oh man that is so funny looking back on like on all the stuff people like my brother used to work he also worked at circuit city he worked in the car department do you remember when people would like god thank

god for technology systems in their car people like dude no one does it anymore that was the biggest thing of getting a system yeah like the cd things and then do you remember the ones they would like flip turn oh yeah you hide them because it was like a big thing people would steal them yeah yeah well that was like in mcgruber when he takes a cd uh everywhere he presses it yes and somebody's like you can leave that he's like nice try i remember like my one buddy like his cd changer thing was so big it had to be in his trunk so he would have 60s like yeah bro i got six cds in there i can change between i'm like what the fuck i was like you caught what are you doing dude yeah but you're 17 but that's like the height of luxury though it's like yeah i could listen to six different cds oh my god but yeah

getting a system was a huge thing it's like only two grand. I got an amp in the trunk. And everything would just vibrate. Yeah. The bass would be too much for like a 92 Toyota Corolla. Yeah. I think Fast and the Furious really also skyrocketed that whole trend. That culture, for sure. Oh, for sure.

Dude, I remember leaving Fast and the Furious and being like pumped. I had like little, I i'm like yeah dude we gotta fuck it and i couldn't even drive at this point yeah be like when i do i'm gonna street race there's gonna be hot chicks everywhere i'm gonna hang out with tyreece uh uh but yes uh just my airport journey speaking of delicious food so yeah i got the tuna sandwich my shit was canceled so i just sat there and ate it and then got another lift so you spent 60 yeah yeah like i posted on face like some weirdo rich guy i'm like take me to the airport that's where the best tuna is like so i got i got in the lift to leave and the guy was like how was your flight i was like doesn't exist like it didn't happen

fucking sucked man i spent 60 to go get a 12 sandwich that was like fine yeah it's also funny when you're in an airport like karen when we were coming back from mexico yeah like i was we're like hungry and we wanted food but then you sit down and you're like all right let's see what our options are oh you can get a burger for 23 yeah and it's just basic and then it's just like everyone it's like all right we're in prison what else are we gonna do and you just order it yeah and then karen ordered a. She ordered a vodka soda, just a Tito's and soda. Yeah. It was $15.

And it's not good either, I'm sure. I ordered a Corona, $7. Not terrible. That's like ballpark, but it's a Corona. I like that you still got a Corona. Like you're that guy, you're like, in Mexico, I had plenty of Coronas. Más Coronas, por favor. I'm all about light lagers now, dude.

Light lagers. But so I got a Corona and you could, for an extra $5, add a shot of any drink you wanted. So I got a $5 Jackie D, Jack Daniels. Getting a little airport buzz. And it was a fucking just a pour, dude. It wasn't a shot. It was like a drink.

Yeah, like a glass. Yeah, so that was pretty tight. The airport buzz is nice because it's, especially when you're going somewhere, because you show up to the airport, you're like, I'm in no man's land. Like, what am I going to do? Study something?

I guess I should get drunk. Yeah, and then i bought us drinks on the plane when we were coming home i was like fuck it we're already buzzed let's fucking keep this train going who cares yeah it's nice it's uh it's a fun feeling absolutely um but the thing is is you got to sneak the booze on the plane karen does it those little bottles yeah those will go through security. Uh-huh. Especially if they're cool.

Uh-huh. Because one time Karen, she was like, hey, I have these. And he's like, nah, it's all right. Yeah. I mean, if it's under four. I don't know. Yeah. You can bring alcohol if it's sealed, I think.

Interesting. And then. You look like a real alcoholic if you're trying to really defend that. Oh, yeah. They're like, we got to toss. Like, are you kidding me? Oh, yeah. You're going to throw away my tiny fireball the fuck government overreach yeah i it's uh yeah but

drinking i don't know getting drunk on a plane oh that's too much it's i'm talking the buzz the buzz is the buzz where you're like ah yeah vacation mode you know because you're at the airport and you're like well i guess i have to right i, right? I mean, what else am I going to do? Yeah. It is weird, though, when you're in the airport at like 8 in the morning and people are drinking margarita. Yeah. No, that's weird for sure.

For sure. I'm like, yo, what the fuck is your life? Yeah. Yeah. I think when we flew out to Mexico, maybe we got to the airport at like 11. I'm like, ah, close enough. I'll take a beer. It's fine.

Yeah. Whatever. But 8's a little it's a little early it is a little early dude people line up at some of these bars in the morning oh dude griffiths across the street is uh it's like a local townie bar when i work from home um i'll work in the kitchen and at like i think they open at 10 a.m every day at like 9 45 people are outside smoking like let's get it going let's go god yeah i uh i was coming home yesterday or two days ago i was like why does it smell like cigarettes by the door dudes from griffiths since it's so hot out they don't want

to smoke in the sun they'll just sit in their cars with the door open and smoke cigarettes wait because it's so hot like they don't want to sit like in the sun in the sun so they'll go in their cars to get a little bit of shade and just smoke in there like ah you guys are so gross oh man so gross but uh yeah i can't believe people still smoke cigarettes hey well they're addicted bro i know but just our age people oh because we grew up everyone scared the shit out of me i took a puff of a cigarette when i was in fourth grade my friend's older brother he was like four years older than us oh so he's cool three years older than us he he like would buy cigarettes and like smoke every once in a while yeah it was like a thing when we were young that smoking was cool smoking yeah it's always been cool yeah but i mean like like people like you're like you gotta try it i just remember people saying that like dude you

gotta try i'm in fourth grade i had a friend who would like smoking cigarettes in fourth grade damn he would have cigarette i mean he and his brother got arrested and now he's on the run in Florida, but a healthy family. That makes sense. He also became like a white power kid too, like in eighth grade,

but for some reason he was friends with me and then once I found out, like because he was like, he was reading Mein Kampf and stuff in eighth grade. Just smoking a cigarette,

just reading, like legs crossed. Uh-huh name is blaine blaine oh okay he moved from california i remember and i was like damn blaine from california smokes cigarettes it's so cool he's so cool i mean that's really all it is with cigarettes you're like man that person doesn't care about their life that's so cool yeah i don't even know what's cool it's just because it's bad exactly it's so funny how that does work with kids like yeah oh this is naughty exactly yeah it's like whoa no so i i had friends growing up um you know like you go to stay at their house and their parents smoke yeah like my mom she would smoke virginia slims you ever see those no they're ridiculous

oh like the thin long they're like thin and long so she would smoke those um but never like in the house oh yeah but you go to a friend's you go to a friend's house where they're both just ripping butts like in the house and then you come home and your shit all smells like cigarettes like i never liked it i never like growing up like because most of the families, it's just you don't know things, like, archetypes of, like, oh, this is a white trash family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like, this is a family. This is a family. And you think, like, all adults are smart and they have their shit together.

Every single adult has their shit together and is smart. Yeah. And so I remember this girl. She was very cute and, like, was developed way too early. Jessica moved into our neighborhood. Perfect. And she's so hot. And her mom was very nice.

She was a cool mom. Stepdad. He seemed decent. I just remember one time, so we'd go over there. We played video games. It was just a neighborhood of us. And we all thought she was hot, so're all like trying to hit on her and stuff yeah and her mom every day is smoking inside the house every day has a drink i've never seen

this lady without a drink in her hand and a cigarette in her hand and their house just smells like shit and then like uh looking back on i'm like oh that was like the first time i met a white trash yeah family 100 and she was always so scared of her daughter getting pregnant because she Looking back on, I'm like, oh, that was like the first time I met a white trash family. 100%. And she was always so scared of her daughter getting pregnant because she got pregnant when she was 16. And guess what happened to Jessica? She became president. Yes.

No, she got fucking got knocked up at 16. Really? Yeah. Wow. Isn't it crazy? Just like things repeat. They're just like. well yeah you can either just have that example and be like oh this is what i don't want to do or you're just like yeah it's normal like my mom smokes and drinks she got pregnant 16 i'm just gonna do the same

thing yeah that's just it's normalized so weird they're my fucking my lift driver to uh to the airport for my wonderful tuna sandwich he was uh from the virgin islands and he was just talking like the whole time and i didn't really mind because i was like whatever i'm going on vacation but we're talking about he was saying that like uh in the virgin islands like kids can go buy alcohol like there's no age limit he's like so yeah my dad he would just tell me he'd be like yo go go to the store and go get me a beer and they'd sell it to him like nine years old you know and so i'd be like give me a beer and i want a cookie as well and they give it to me it's just like it just he was talking about how like his cousins and stuff like are younger and

none of them like drink or whatever i'm like oh that's really good and like it was like oh this dude's like pretty cool like has a good like perspective on things and we get to the airport and his phone rings he's like oh that's my boy i gotta call him back he's been going through it man he just went to he just went to court and he's like looking at me through the rear view he's like he went to court and he's smart he argued with the judge he submitted a paper he doesn't have to pay child support no more child support is not mandatory yo let's ask for getting out of the car what it's like good talking to child support it's not mandatory yo it's like okay what but i wanted to be like shouldn't he pay his child okay all right cool all right so he just gets to not pay for his kid no and somehow that's a victory he's like it's not mandatory like okay yeah it is funny sometimes like and typically happens we're hanging

out with black people just like cultural differences where they'll say something and you know they think it's cool but you're like normal and you're like yeah so like there's been so many times i'm just hanging out and uh yeah with like a group of black comics and like uh went to they're always like oh man like i don't know they're talking about like side pieces like cheating and stuff and they're like hey man everyone's gotta cheat everyone's gotta get a side piece and then they dat they go to dap you and you're like well i'm not gonna be like i i think that's wrong fellas i'm just like all right fuck it yeah what are you gonna do yeah you gotta get a side bitch yeah come on it's just like all right yeah yeah speaking of uh uh black people

how are the shows going with the very no aren't you with uh some like very white white dude oh dude i wanted to kill myself last night i had too much coffee well now you're you're at the dc comedy loft yes oh real quick uh by the oh go ahead i was just to say like double bummer uh ramin is recording his album this weekend and he was like hey man i would love to have you on some of the shows like you and i've been doing it together a lot like or like we started i don't know what did he say he was just like oh i feel like you've been on this journey with me for a while and i would love to have you on the shows and i was like oh i would love to do it i'm really happy for you but i'm gonna be on vacation and now vacation's canceled and i don't get to do any show. So I was like, God damn it. That sucks. Yeah. That sucks.

Yeah. Man. Yeah. But yeah, I'm at the DC Comedy Loft. I open up for this guy, Taylor Williamson. And this is just show business in a nutshell, dude. I open up for him at that show business. The Punchline in Philly.

It was an amazing club. And he. So we kind of hit it off. We went out to lunch. We hung out. Yeah. And it was an amazing club. And he, so we kind of hit it off. We went out to lunch. We hung out. Yeah. And he thought I was funny. And he was like the reason I recorded an album because he was like gave me a good pep talk and a reason to do it.

That's awesome. And so when he, he was trying to come, he wanted to perform in D.C. at the Draft House. Mm-hmm. So I gave him the contact to the Draft House. Mm-hmm. Then I got hit up by people at the comedy loft which is not the draft house yes and it's at it's uh at uh it's a comedy show that happens in a bar in a hotel it's fine yeah and um so i'm like all right that's weird so then we go i'm i go to the show yesterday hour and 45 minutes to get there

and uh that friday traffic it was a it was a bummer so then i get there and uh james the manager's like oh it's gonna be uh it's gonna be a like like crowds and i was like yeah it's it's july and it's america his biggest credit is america's got talent i didn't yeah expect but very nice guy yeah yeah uh so then he gets there the headliner taylor and he thinks he was supposed to be he's like what is going on like they didn't have a hotel for him so he paid for his own hotel i think he got the money back but it's just like a weird way to start your night yeah he sends me a text he's like i already hate this i want to go and he's just like so um are you guys in the main room or downstairs we're in the main room wow yeah uh it holds 200 yeah first show is 50 people sure it was fine i was doing great off the bat

crowd work was killing yeah last couple jokes 50s enough to make it yeah fun got nothing right and i was like oh that sucks yeah and uh then so and i'm hosting which sucks because you're not making as much oh yeah so you're just doing they already had a feature book just doing the 10 minutes up top. Yeah. Which sometimes I'm thankful for. Yeah. Because the second show, dude, I... Dude, it was like all old white people. They're all America's Got Talent fans.

Some people drove three and a half hours to see this guy. Get the fuck out of here. That's crazy. He's not happy to be there. Because he's like... He was like, God... Because he just... I was like, have you been getting work?'s like some like a little like we just did some reunion tour with america's got

talent some anniversary thing and that kind of helped and and he's like but god dude i gotta like i just want to be able to like never ever have to say america's got talent ever again that's your big credit though i know and um and i think i kept making him feel shitty about himself because he's like so dude like big names he's like do names come here i'm like wow yeah he's like dude what about and i'm like yeah yeah you're good and i kept like uh making jokes and slapping him on the leg and he's like what are you doing don't do that what why are you doing i don't like this hitting okay yeah you're you're you're a cold brew bro yeah and so uh so he's miserable i'm miserable uh the feature is a guy from baltimore he has cerebral palsy

he's an older guy his name is michael something he's very nice oh um he's friends with christopher titus yeah yeah he actually works at social security. Uh, fuck. What is his name? I thought he does ADA stuff. Uh, probably for social security. Okay. Yeah.

No, I literally see him like wheeling around on his cart. Oh, wow. He's been on like Howard Stern and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he's been doing it for like 25 years.

He was doing well. Uh, he was very nice. Um, but like, and I could tell he wanted to talk and i was just in such a bad mood dude the second show i bombed it was like a bomb bomb why i don't know they just didn't like me like every joke that is tried and true just i mean my closer literally this is how i closed the show, the second show. I was like, I did my Newport's joke, and I was like, and fuck, I don't even remember the punchline right now,

but it's like, and he just walked away, and he was like, and he just walked away, and then he walked away. Silence. And then you go, all right. And I was like, well, that was my last joke, and then I see this girl in the front row. She's just like, oh, God. And then I was like, all right.

Are you guys ready for your next guy? It's just so funny to have to go from the most deflated you will ever feel in your life. To being like, woo. I'm like, all right. Let's keep this fun train going all right guys let's keep that energy rolling here we go it just wasn't my crowd and yeah uh not to shit on the feature uh he did this he was smart he the second show he did all crowd work he's like yeah this audience yeah but the he was killing with some hack shit dude like. Sure. This is one of his jokes. Yeah. It was, how do you make a night?

By the way, you should never start out a joke on stage with a street joke. And so he goes, how do you make a 90-year-old woman yell fuck? You make another 90-year-old woman yell bingo. And buddy, this joke. Killed? Murdered. Murdered. yelled bingo and buddy this joke killed murdered murdered i mean like howling laugh like howling like and i was just like all right i should kill myself wow i was so mad backstage i texted that joke to i would say like six different people uh-huh i was like i just bombed and this joke is killing damn i'm gonna write that down yeah let me use that one he's very nice but then yeah no yeah he's a

sweetheart it's just like one of those nights where you're just like what like i was texting chris i was like dude i think i have to take a break after this like this fucking sucks uh-huh like i have to do three more i have to do a sunday show dude oh there's a sunday i just want to be like can we cancel can we just fucking i wonder if that one will be well attended it's not and they're gonna move it i was like can we move all these shows downstairs this room holds 200 people yeah and if the room downstairs holds like 50 to 60 so if you're pulling that like rather have a full room then tonight they say there's gonna be like like 100-ish people at the first show. That's pretty good.

Not bad. But yeah, no, it's frustrating. And to all the Baltimore comics, you're like, hey, that sounds like a lot of people. Sorry, you guys do shitty shows. Hey. But yeah, so I'm texting Chris. I'm like, dude, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm just not in it. I think I'm texting Chris. I'm like, dude, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm just not in it.

I think I need to quit. I just recorded Ross's podcast, and I was like, this is it for me. Just meaning I'm not moving and blah, blah, blah. Well, it's kind of, yeah, like you and I talked last week where it's just like, what are we doing? Yeah. You know, where, I don't know. Yeah, so the icing on the cake was like, I think the staff hated me or something. i don't know yeah so the kick that like the icing on the cake was like

i think the staff hated me or something i don't know because i didn't i bought i i hate the food there so i went to tiki taco and i brought tiki taco back and eda ate it and i was like i'm not getting a free meal fuck you i don't give a shit so i was eating and then then the sound guy was very nice. This guy, Terrell. Yeah, I like him a lot. He's so nice. And so he's like, yeah, man, they're uptight tonight. He's like, yeah. He's like, I think people just like, because I got a special needs cousin, so I get it.

People are just uptight. I was like, yeah, I didn't make any jokes about special needs people. What the fuck are you talking about? No, don't you have that joke where you're like, special needs people are faggots? Oh, yeah, yeah. You say that on top. Hey, how you guys doing? Special needs people. I forgot. How you talking about? No, don't you have that joke where you're like, special needs people are faggots? Oh, yeah, yeah. You say that on top. Hey, how you guys doing? Special needs people.

I forgot. How you guys doing? But so I like did not want to talk to him. The feature could tell I was in a bad mood. He's like, hey, man, I'll just close the show for you if you want to go home. And I was like, no, dude, it's fine. Yeah. I was like, just.

Yeah. And then so he's trying to talk to me. He's like, hey, do you ever go on 98 Rock? And I'm like, no. He's like, yeah, you should do that i'm like oh should i should i go on something that no one listens to and then i'm like oh i can't wait till i'm the old guy and i'm like you should start a podcast right no one does podcasts anymore old man no i just saw my future yeah but i will say 98 rock does have an audience it's it's different. It's not like the same people as you and I. 98 Rock is like a rock station here in Baltimore,

but it's very like, all right, we got a power block, Metallica, and Alice in Chains coming up. But I filled in for some of the murder mystery shows that Rob Mare does. Oh, they sell out. And with Justin Schlegel, who's the morning uh dj there and uh i went in the back bar of mcgoobies where the show was these people like oh i'm so excited because it was like in between shows like oh it's gonna be so good it's got rob mayor he's on the show and justin's

so funny and like it was just like townie people that were so excited for the show that's awesome because they're i think they're i, they're not our people at all. Like there's no crossover there, but there are like people in their forties are just like, Oh, fucking love 98 rocks so much. You know? Yeah. So when I walked out, I was leaving in Terrell. He was very nice.

And he was like, he's like, I have that one joke where I, the Newport joke where a kid tells me my head is shaped like a box in Newport. Yeah. And he's like, he's like, I have that one joke where I, the Newport joke where a kid tells me my head is shaped like a box in Newport. Yeah. And he's like, he's like, you know what that kid's saying? He's saying you got a box head. You got a box shape head. And I was like, yeah, man, I know that's what he's saying. That's literally the joke.

The joke. Yeah. I was just like, what am I surrounded by? Anyway, I got to take a break. Yeah. He's like, hey, man, you should be funnier man i know like it just is so funny to go from feeling like having i had a a weekend and week of pretty good show oh from the mark norman stuff yeah and you're just like well you suck at comedy now

and well yeah i don't it's just it's different crowds different expectations don't, it's just, it's different crowds, different expectations. And, you know, it's people that are going to see Mark Norman. It's like going to see music. You're like, oh, I'm going to see this band. And this band that I like is probably going to have bands opening that I like too. Yeah. Versus people that just go out and they're like, I like music. It's like there's a lot of different types of music. Same with comedy, you know.

So that's why they're like, oh, types of music same with comedy you know so that's why they're like oh comedy is funny and then you're like doing actual bits and they're like i don't like this and then michael's like how do you make a 90 year old say fuck they're like now that's yeah dude he was i mean and uh he fucking killed that show i bombed on i was like this is a living hell yeah he's yeah i like that dude a lot yeah he's very nice christopher titus has a um they did a movie yeah yeah um yeah there was like a bunch of like sort of like handicapped cops or something like that i don't remember but uh no he tells a great story of like they were all out to eat at a diner after a show is like chris titus mike and somebody else and um yeah he has cp so he's like he sounds a little like yeah like he's

slow but he's not like his mind is sharp but his body is messed up so the server came over and heard him talking and then just treated him like he was retarded because he was like oh are you okay are you hungry too he's like so he just like leaned into it was making me he's like i am okay that's awesome um yeah man but yeah with comedy it's yeah it's fucking it's it's frustrating and it's also what do you expect like we're not in the biggest market like dc is fucking great we're fortunate enough to be able to fuck around in baltimore yeah and like you know go to a new york or wherever but like there's no industry here no you know and it's yeah so we can like hope to feature for people or maybe like be taken out on the road but even then it's like then what yeah exactly it's uh

that's what that's kind of what i'm dealing with now it's just like then what yeah like on wednesday i was gonna karen texted me she's like hey they're playing uh princess bride on the pier at fells and i was like oh i'm doing two open mics in dc tonight yeah and she's like oh okay and then i'm like what the fuck like and i can't i was like yeah i'll cancel i canceled the mics and i went and it was so fun yeah it was great summertime like yeah why the fuck not it's like i should just yeah i'm gonna buy a house quit comedy have a family yeah it does seem more appealing i gotta say oh dude i was talking to our buddy alex and we were talking about all this like you know chasing your dreams and stuff yeah but also i'm like is it my i don't know i don't think i wanted that

like no i enjoy being uh creative and around other creative people and stuff like that like i really do enjoy it but i'm not like i'm gonna risk it all like to me it just seems crazy the answer is if we wanted it that bad we'd be in new york yeah we're not we're not in new york we're not in la we're not willing yeah like there are certain some of our friends who are willing to live these shit lives yeah hopefully it'll happen yeah and so that's the answer like we don't want it like we don't want yeah it's already been answered because people say you know like it's with anything like with uh uh like like with me with like guitar if i wanted it that bad i'd be way better at it yeah you know but i just put my effort into like comedy and right and not that so

yeah and to say like with comedy like for a while we wanted to do it really badly and that's why we got to where we are yeah and then we're over it i think yeah i'm kind of getting there i think me too it's hashtag me too what if we post like i'm quitting comedy hashtag me too but yeah i think in november i'm just gonna record stuff just to have it yeah i feel like if i am gonna slow down which i don't know you should do it at a cooler place you think so yeah yeah you should man i'm down do it record it see what it's like but i know you should do it at a cooler place you think so yeah yeah you should man i'm down do it record it see what it's like but i think you should do it and yeah do video yeah everything's about video these days that is true yeah there's no reason to do audio yeah you have

friends who can do video yeah uh yeah i was gonna ask paul if he wanted to come up because we get a hotel room like included with it but also It's not that far of a drive. But yeah, I mean, the club's not like huge. But I also had that too. I was like, at least if you get enough people in there. I don't know. It's gonna be tough. You want your people there.

I know. But also it's like my people have heard a lot of this material too. So that that feels weird. Like Ramin's dealing with that this weekend where it's like, I want people to out to shows but then it's like i hope it's not people that have been coming to shows he's like you've heard all this stuff before you know yeah i mean that was the same thing with my taping i think i got lucky because most of the gin and jokes fans um don't see me do come right when you host you're doing like a lot of like crowd they don't think i'm a real comedian right right um but yeah you that's why like i like it's uh it is weird like but because when you're doing joe like because you know you're putting on a facade so it's weird

to be like like i have a girlfriend currently but then i have i acting on stage like i'm single yes and uh it's weird or doing jokes about your girlfriend but it's a girlfriend from yeah i did that too but i know my girlfriend and her friends are in the audience it's like this week so i couldn't like look out there you know it's a weird thing but it was fine yeah but uh i don't know it doesn't matter but i i think like if you're doing it just yeah just do it like uh you could even do it at joe squared you could do it like a gin and jokes you know do a long set that would be interesting all right yeah let's do it yeah maybe in the fall yeah make it look we uh maybe figure out a way to make it look a little cooler like if you want to get

like a setup i don't know i mean i kind of like the way it looks down there you maybe just yeah maybe just put something behind i mean i'm fine with what it is yeah it's it's also it's not like yeah i don't know i gotta talk to hbo and see what they want right background but i think we could do it yeah yeah i mean you don't really need like two cameras really yeah and then maybe i could record my new stuff. That'd be cool. And then we can quit. Yeah. That would be funny to bill it as that. Like the final. The farewell.

The farewell quote unquote tour. Yeah. The farewell tour. And like we should get a poster. It's just one date on it. Exactly. Yeah. That'd be cool.

Yeah. But the poster has a ton of room at the bottom for other dates that aren't there. One last time. The boys ride again. Yeah, I think I'll always do it. I think I'm just going to scale back a little bit. Or maybe, I don't know. It's just a weird time to feel inspired by it.

Because playing music and other stuff, I feel pretty... Yeah, I guess I got to find something else. Or I don't know. Or maybe... I was talking to Chris. He's like, dude, you got to just,

I was like, keep writing it for what? Yeah. Yeah. Where? I don't know. Yeah. And maybe that'll make it better to,

to take the pressure off of it. Cause you can just be like, Oh, I'm doing this for me. You know, like it's not like, Oh, I got to keep going.

Got to keep going. It's hard though. Like once you step out of it, it's, I think one of the biggest reasons I struggled last night is because I haven't done comedy consistently for two weeks. Right. And then you're opening. I'm going to grab a coffee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got to look at Helms to buy. Okay. All right. Once you get out of it, it's so hard to get back in. So it's tough to do it. I don't know. I'm sure people will throw shows at you, but... Yeah.

I mean, it takes reps, but I think if you had ideas that you were excited about, or you had a show, and then it's like, okay, well, in the two to three weeks leading up to the show, I'll hit the mics kind of hard. Yeah. I feel like it's probably analogous to somebody that's like, oh, I used to play this sport. I'm not doing it professionally, but I still got the chops.

If I go for a run, hit the gym, the batting cages, I can play a game. Yeah. Oh, boy. It is. See, but we're in a good spot though because it is it is nice to be like i don't know about comedy i'm gonna go look at homes to purchase yeah exactly like i was saying we were i was talking about my our buddy alex and you know he moved to new york and that's fine he moved to new york to do improv and sketch yeah i just never he was like i never gave it my all and whatever and uh i don't know like because a buddy of ours joe

welke did you see that post no no he made some long posts recently comedy for 11 years and he posted something about how he's frustrated. I feel like he posted that same thing. He does it every once in a while, but this was real long. He was like, I've been doing comedy for 11 years, and I see people who are way worse than me doing better. And it's like, all righty. It's like, oh, geez. Yeah.

And he's like, people like I do well every show. If you book me, I show up. I do my job, and I get to see people who've been doing it for way less than me go on the road with open up for famous comics excel in this business and it's just like yeah yeah it's this is what it is it's like quit i don't know quit idk yeah uh but and the interesting thing is that we know a lot of people like that, but we also know people on the flip side. Like Stav is crushing it.

He's using the Come Town podcast as a thing to skyrocket his stand-up. He tours all over the country. Stav's in a position where he can say on the podcast, like, oh, I'm going to come out to L.A. for one show to fuck around. And it'll sell out. Like that's huge. That's crazy. But yeah, I mean, he put in the work for sure.

But then it's that thing where like hard work meets opportunity. And Bobby Kelly was like, well, let's go on the road. And he was ready to do it, you know. And then that set him up to be like, all right, now I need to move to New York, which is great because he already knew people up there it was like kind of set up and i think he struggled even for a little bit like oh yeah for first two years he was and that's and that was somebody that was like already plugged in yeah national headliners still struggling and then got lucky with the podcast and the podcast is hilarious but i mean it's so it can be done but there's no real roadmap that is like, if you do this, you're guaranteed to do that. But it's like, if you did something for 11 years and you lived in New York and LA, it's like, dude.

And you have no money saved up. Just, yeah. I don't know. At some point, do you get scared for your life? What do you mean? Like your future? What am I going to do? Right.

Yeah. What am I going weird because for a career also yeah but then it's like what do i identify as also yeah i think for me that's the biggest thing it's like everyone knows me as a comedian yeah and you don't want to do the thing where you run into somebody that you haven't seen in a while they're like oh my god you're still doing shows you're like yeah now what while and they're like, oh my God, you still doing shows? You're like, ah, now what happened? You're like, well, I don't know. You're like, I'm going to have kids. They're like, ah, let me know when you do a show. All right, let's wrap up.

Let's wrap up this very positive convo here. Yeah, follow us on the social medias because that'll help. People are like, why do you want to come see them do shows anymore? Yeah, I know. They're like, hey, yeah, I don't know. We might quit. Anyway, I got these upcoming shows and I'm going to put half of my energy into.

No, but there are those nights where you truly do love it too. And those are the nights where you're like, yeah, I'm going to keep going. No, like the Mark Norman weekend, I was on like i was on like cloud nine yeah and i was like i'm gonna do this forever yeah and last night but it is a fucking slap in the butt uh that said you can see us this thursday together in ellicott city at the what is it syria cafe syriana cafe syriana city co- Cafe. Co-headlining. Co-headlining. My friend Ryan Cornwell, he's like, where's the show? And I sent him a poster.

He's like, what did he say? He's like, my God, three women and a brown fella on a show? I don't think so. Is he coming? No, he can't. He thought it was on a Friday. I was like, you think I'm a Friday comedian? No way.

Monday through Thursday, bro. There you go. So, yeah, we got that on the 18th. Then on the 21st, I'll be at the Cellar Door in Frederick featuring for Mr. Andy Haynes. Cool. Great comic. Yeah. And on the 26th, I'll be at Carlisisle pa for a winery gig i'll post it about

that on my gram or my facebook or twitter and come out to that and then on the 31st i'm headlining the colony club in washington dc steel adrian rodney uh 17th i am at the dc improv doing the time machine roast and uh oh. You're writing for that? I'm trying. It's not good. Who are you? I just can't write roast jokes for historical people. I don't know why you asked me to do it.

Who are you? Ronald Reagan. Oh, okay. Yeah. I've gotten a good chunk for one person. Yeah. I don't know, man. So I'm working on Genghis Khan jokes, and I just don't know man so i'm working on gangas con jokes and i don't i just don't know

how to do this are you trying to do it from the perspective of ronald reagan yeah like him like trashing gangas con is like an immigrant or something like that yeah yeah it's like this republican right yeah i kind of did that for the matata Hari girl. Okay. Anyway, so come out. They were really selling these shows. No, but everyone else is super great. I don't know why I got asked to do this show again. It's the third time, and each time I've been very mediocre. You're going to break the chain on this.

You're going to break the wheel. So 17th, 18th, me and you. 19th, I'm back in D.C. I don't know what it is, but'll post it on instagram yeah uh and i think that's it nice all right august 1st shane gillis is doing gin and jokes oh i'll be there for that nice i love uh i love the that bowl yeah we got a pod with him oh most definitely all right everybody thank you for listening and we'll talk to you guys soon. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Take care.