The Digression Sessions - Ep. 294 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: July 31, 2019

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on the week, comedy, and Josh's recent engagement!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Hey now! Hey! Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. We are back. We are here. We are here. We are black.

Me, Josh Kaderna. Umar. My good buddy, Umar Khan. Yep. I've got my dog on my lap. We've got some various forms of coffee. There's a candle lit. Oh, there is?

Oh, I didn't even notice. It's a nice Friday. It's a nice little Friday. Yeah, nice and kind of cool out. Yeah. Yeah, not too bad. I'm going to go for a little jog after this. I think a nice Friday. It's a nice little Friday. Yeah, nice and kind of cool out. Yeah. Not too bad. I'm going to go for a little jog after this. I think I'm going to go for a jog, too.

Wow. Maybe we could go together for like half a minute before you take off. No, I've been going. I went, no one cares, but I went way too fast yesterday, and I had to stop it. We should do that before anything we say on this podcast. Yeah, exactly. No one cares, but I had a pretty good show the other day. Yeah.

Yeah. So I did something pretty cool the other day. Nobody cares. And yeah. You're engaged. Yeah. Nobody cares. I'm engaged.

Wow. Yeah. I'm engaged, man. Wow. It is wild. Walk us through it. So Karen put a gun to my head. Wow.

And she said, you do this. Damn, dude. And I was like, look, please, Karen, no. Yeah. You know wow and she said you do this damn dude and i was like look please karen no yeah you know and she's like i'll bruise you where people can't see it i'm like i know that's what you normally do she was like come here i'm almost done with this cigarette and she put it out on my chest wow she's a smoker that's the craziest part of that whole story the worst part is she's not even a smoker she buys them just to put them out on me damn dude yeah but i love her and uh you know she means well she just shows her love in a different way yeah you know i'm hoping one day the scars actually form a heart that would be that would be nice uh no man i yeah i had the ring and uh where'd you

get the ring uh there was this really good gumball machine in front of giant nice now i got it from uh this company called alexis uh russell yeah and uh yeah getting extra conflict in the diamond was a little expensive but it was worth it you know how does that even i would have no idea like what my girlfriend would want in terms of like a ring i'll be honest uh karen sent me a bunch oh so she would see stuff and be like hey i like this or something like a lot of my couple friends tell me they're like oh yeah dude we talked about like you know you they're like it's not like he just proposed me out of nowhere like we would have conversations about getting married it's like it's like you're starting a business yeah like you have to be like all right so what's your five-year plan yeah but it's just like there are a lot of those people who i think uh you know like the movies

it's just like yeah we're just walking one day and he just got down on his knee it's like we were together for three months and fuck that but uh yeah like my friend's like no like we went out we picked out a ring together and then like just uh maybe like uh several months later he proposed oh okay and i was like that's nice yeah well also i mean a ring is not cheap either so no so it's not like you're gonna be like you like it they're like this sucks yeah and of course with with these rings i'm sure they're not like yeah just bring it in we'll give you your money back right exactly yeah uh but no this one is cool i like i uh i liked it a lot because it's like a conflict-free diamond. You kind of look at it, it looks like a little hazy, which is kind of cool.

And then the gold is recycled gold as well. So it's not all like, you know, it's not like from the blood of some African kid. Yeah. You know. But yeah, it was, yeah, it was very, it was it was exciting so i was gonna do it on her birthday but i did it after the party nice on saturday where i was just like i don't know it's gonna sound cheesy but it was just very cool to like you were over we had all our friends over and we were hanging out for a long time and i was like man this is sweet like i'm enjoying life i love you

and then uh we were watching queer eye and uh we were there was something to do with like kids and then i started crying thinking about our fictional kids and i was like all right fuck it i'm just gonna do it now nice so yeah where were you guys we were in bed watching tv like that's nice did she like yeah not no no idea wow no where was the ring uh just in my nightstand oh is it funny like um hold on one second you like have to walk somewhere and you come back yeah you hear my car start peel out nice uh no yeah no um we spend a lot of time in bed like watching tv and stuff so it's like you know let's keep doing this i enjoy this getting high or allegedly having good having good times laughing at tv and

stuff so it's like let's do it that's great man good for you congrats thank you man it was uh it felt really good it was uh it was something i was very nervous about for a long time because i didn't have the best examples of marriage yeah growing up uh shocking the guy that's like hey i do stand up i have a podcast i play in a band pay attention to me my shirt's off all the time 100 100 yeah well it's also our generation like uh our views on marriage are just so like blasé like for me it's just like right i don't even like i'll do it just because it makes everyone around you happy like your your family and girlfriend. Right. But it's not like I have to be married. No. And we're just in a different time.

Yeah. Like, Karen and I have been living together for like two years. And it's not like the neighborhood's like, they're living in sin. You already own a home. Yeah. And that's another weird thing. Like, when people get married and they have like a registry. Yeah.

You have all this stuff. Yeah. What do you want? What more can you possibly well but now the trend is yeah um donate for our honeymoon which i think is cool yeah i like rather give money for to people to have an experience and like a set of kitchen knives yes yeah that's what i did with uh with our buddies mason mary they're going to tokyo and i was like here here's money to go to tokyo yeah it's it's better than being like got you that rice cooker

enjoy and then like you come over like i don't see that i don't see her here then you open the trash can there it is or like they re-gifted at another that was like a big fit like re-gifting yeah yeah it's uh yeah the whole thing feels very self-indulgent like i do enjoy attention sometimes but not all the time and only in specific ways yeah like uh it just feels weird to be like and then have now a ceremony where it's like everybody has to come to the thing and you gotta dress up and look at us we're gonna have our first dance now pay attention yeah and then also be like now give us money for a thing and we want a gift yeah it's just like so i don't even think we're

gonna do that so i think we what the plan is to do like a very very small ceremony and then rent out like a restaurant or a spot and then just have the reception the whole wedding um business is so different now yeah like my parents like like dude, Pakistani weddings are like 300 people. Yeah. 500 people. Like 300 is small. It's like, dude, like when I go to my cousin's wedding, I'm like, you guys don't even know most of these people.

And it's so expensive. You just want them there because it's like a lavish thing. It must be thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. Tens of thousands probably. Insane. Tens of thousands, probably. Insane. Tens of thousands. Yeah, I think that's a good way to do it. Yeah.

Sitting through weddings fucking sucks. And I just feel weird about it. You're standing there. You're like saying gay shit about each other. Yeah, that is what the officiant says. They're like, do you have gay shit to say? And now would you like to say some gay shit sorry dumb stuff dumb when i said gay i meant stupid yes um yeah so i think if we do it because karen doesn't like that attention either so yeah

and also normal people don't yeah and the weird like rituals. It says two stand-up comedians. Yeah. But it's different. But the old rituals, too, of being like, now the father of the bride and the bride dance together. Oh, my God. It's so dumb. It's so awkward because it's like, what are we doing? It's like, well, now I'm done fucking her. You can fuck her.

It's like, it's the last time i'll ever do anything sexual with my daughter because now this asshole is gonna put his dick in now he's fucking her oh such a weird it's so weird like uh also like vows at weddings are dumb because i don't know like people use the word forever and like this is the most perfect couple yeah it's a wedding everyone used the word forever like the the best man the yeah the maid of honor like the parents the brother uh each other and then they got divorced a month later a month one month wow you know what i'm glad they did because it was a fucking day wedding and a day wedding sucks dick oh sure i went home at 4 30 i was like all right well what do i do now with my day like we're going to fellas to drink and i'm like i'm good gotcha yeah i'm not drinking

on a sunday with you guys it was on a sunday it was memorial day weekend okay all right that's just kind of shitty also like i want to be at a barbecue right or go somewhere for an entire weekend yeah yeah no it was it was uh it was a nice wedding but yeah man i'm up two minds of that because it's sort of like you're knocking out an errand early and you're like, now I can still make dinner. I'm totally kidding. It was a nice wedding. And it probably saved so much money. Sure.

Sure. Yeah. So that's how I'm looking at it too. I'm like, there's no reason to be like, all that money if you're gonna be spending that that's so stupid save that to buy property or something else like you're just gonna burn it all in one day like that's fucking dumb this is so weird like is it baby who are our parents generation are they baby yeah like they like give us so much shit like millennials are like they're they don't do this they're killing all these industries. They're fucking soft.

And it's like, we're trying to save money. We're trying to be nice to each other. We're being smart about it. Yeah. And you guys destroyed the environment. And you guys are like, oh, you guys are like, we're like, hey, maybe don't say faggot anymore. Right. Like, oh, what are you guys, pussies all of a sudden?

Excuse me, snowflake. Yeah. Excuse me. It's like, hey, we're trying to spend money more responsibly. Right. Like, oh, look are you guys, pussies all of a sudden? Excuse me, snowflake? Yeah. Excuse me? It's like, hey, we're trying to spend money more responsibly. Right. Like, oh, look, they're killing industry. Yeah. It's like, hey, you guys caused the housing market crash.

They're like, what, now you don't want a house? Yeah, you guys are the reason the world's going to be done in 30 years. Do you see how hot India is getting? It's pretty sexy. It's reaching 120 degrees. That's not like... Sustainable. Livable for human. And no one has air conditioning unless you're mega rich.

France, they're having a heat wave. No one in France really has air conditioning. Wow. I guess because everything's so old and it hasn't been like... I actually don't know why, but I just know that... Or is that just like a condom that's like, oh, you need air conditioning i don't think i enjoy it hot maybe they just aren't like they don't get like super crazy hot days i don't know but they're going like europe is going through a heat wave right now it

seems like they're just trying to be cool yeah it's like you sure we could do it like i don't need it i enjoy the heat okay all right um yeah so i yeah it's like why not just be smart about it's so stupid like these people are like i want my dream wedding and then like making people to travel for your wedding too and like get the fuck out of here i because then like talk about self-indulgent sasha and andrew but like talk about like hat like they live there though sorry right but having people like when people are like we're all going to jamaica it's like oh so you're planning my vacation for me cool you know so you got to use your vacation time your money every dude hit the bricks yeah how was mason mary's wedding in a good time we didn't treat that as a vacation yeah i had a good

time that i was actually excited to go to though i was excited to go i think it depends like especially if it's like uh it's tough because if it's someone you're not close with right i don't know i had a buddy he had i'm very close with him and i couldn't swing his wedding because i was gonna have to do it alone and i would have spent almost two thousand dollars and yeah for someone who's not making a ton of money that's a brick of cash thousand dollars goes a long that's yeah at that point in my i think i was like living with i was living in keswick and yeah so that's like four months of rent sure it's crazy yeah i'm having that issue right now with my cousin um her wedding is in september and it's in vermont yeah and i was like all right

it's a little far but whatever i'll just like catch a plane there no you either have to fly to boston and then drive two and a half hours or you have to fly to manchester yeah uh new hampshire and then drive an hour and a half so it's like now i gotta fly i gotta rent a car also get a hotel for two nights like we're looking at like a thousand bucks and i'm just like man i love you and wish you well but that's a lot i mean that's just for me yeah and then it's like karen has to do that like dude no way we just spent a thousand each for a wedding next in a couple of weeks we're going four days san francisco and we can only do wedding stuff because every night and then we because karen i'm cool with it because they're really good friends of mine yeah and uh i don't work in

the summer so it's not a big deal for me right right right right karen has to take days off yeah it's everything in san francisco is so fucking expensive really yeah i hear it's a cheap city thousand dollars for the hotel fucking i've never paid that much money that's insane i know it's insane but hey look we can afford it yeah that said i really hope you come to my wedding it's gonna be on the moon nice dude yeah don't be a dick you know like come to the moon okay yeah all right all right do you guys have any ideas no zero ideas like i'm just saying i'm thinking it would be relatively local. And like I said, it would mostly just be the reception part of it, like just a party. Also, it's like everything just moves so quick.

I'm like, all right, just getting engaged was big enough. And they're like, all right, what's next? It's like, I don't know. Let's chill for a while. Did you tell her parents first? Yeah. How'd that go? Did you drive over?

Send them a text? Yeah, I did. No, I sent him a text as a preview. I was driving to a gig and I texted her dad, texted Bob. And me and Bob, we really get along. You've met him. He's a super cool laid back guy. I feel like me and him are like...

Pretty simpatico. Yeah, we're very like dark now yeah certain way yeah i mean he has just a great sense of humor yeah he's just like a realistic guy yeah yeah like mike the i think like the just to sum him up yeah he invited me to easter at his house with all you guys yeah and uh he is a very like uh um he's a great like party organizer yeah whatever so we're all eating and do you remember the question he asked so so this uh i'll do a little bit of preamble to this a little bit of what led to this is so when me and karen first started dating we went over to their house like a few times and i met him a couple times and

we had like joked around i know he had a good sense of humor and then we were going to the creative alliance which is like a small like theater gallery place where it's where umar did his uh special here in baltimore but from karen's so small it's not that small not that small holds hundreds of people yeah uh i mean it's rinky-dink. No. But we walked. We were walking over to it. We were going to a show. And as we're walking, Bob's like, Josh, did you bring any pot?

I was like, excuse me? And we're just kind of meeting. And I was like, no. He's like, come on. We're going to a rock and roll show. You didn't bring any pot? I was like, okay. Also, I love that adults call it rock and roll. That is what they called it in the generation we're going to a rock and roll show

and it was it was funny too because we were going to see two different artists and they both just played like uh guitar by themselves so it wasn't even like rock and roll right right it's like kevin morby playing acoustic guitar just clean guitar too yeah pretty much um so it's like all right yeah i mean if you're serious i'll bring it and uh and then so at easter i brought pot and we're all there and we're getting stoned but even leading up to that which was funny as bob bob goes uh bob goes uh did you bring pot and i was like yeah he's like all right, what about the lighter? I was like, do I have to do fucking everything here? We're in a fucking house, dude.

Yeah, yeah. Why don't you have a lighter? Yeah, I just love that he was miffed. He's like, oh, I guess I'll go get matches. I'm like, all right. But so we're all like, so then we're eating finally. And I don't think I was drinking at this point. Yeah, you were taking a little time.

He was really adamant. He's like, are you sure you don't want to drink? These good drinks you sure you want to drink i'm like i'm good man i'm just trying to lose weight yeah but uh so we sit down he's like so uh uh uh guys who has a list of people they want to kill oh yeah yeah yeah it's fun like he does not care i was like dude honestly i got one yeah let's run through it but Sure. But everyone else was like, what the fuck, dude? I'm like, dude, I'm with this guy. Yeah. Person that egged my car.

Top of my list recently, by the way. Yeah. But yeah. So, yeah, he's very like just a chill guy. He's unique. He's just very him. Like he's opinionated, but fun. And so that was a funny thing, too, is when we were smoking in the kitchen, there's like

sort of like a lull in the conversation. And he looks at he goes i know what you want to do and i was like uh what what and he's like you want to play my guitarist and i was like i do remember we went in the basement just like riffed around it was so cool so anyway yeah so uh we email now and again or he'll email like me karen and then her brother neil that is such a parent thing yeah yeah yeah like he's just reading so he's like oh i gotta fire off this new york times article but uh he had sent me like some articles on amps and it was funny he did the thing where it's like you start a sentence in the subject line and then you finish it in the body so the subject line was like believe me when i tell you dot dot dot and then the body of the email said like dot, dot, dot, that this will change amps forever.

And there was an article about like these really nice amps that are like solid state, but they sound like they're tube amps and stuff. So all that said, I call Bob or I text him like, hey, can I call you? He's like, yeah, sure. So I call him. He's like, what's up? I was like, hey, I wanted to ask you, can what's up and i was like hey i wanted to ask you could i have your i was like i intend to propose to your daughter and i'd like your permission and he goes ah you don't need that yeah he goes ah you don't need that you're

a good guy karen's gonna be thrilled did you get that email on amps like immediately he was just ready to be like a bit yeah that's a great bit like i should do that as a bit i will but yeah yeah immediately he was just like yeah of course all right let's move on yeah let's talk about amps yeah it's so funny because uh you know like i don't like i'm not a traditional guy or anything but if i was i would also yeah do that as well just i every all my friends have done that it's it's like uh what does it hurt exactly it's just courteous yeah exactly it's a it's a like just a nod of the cat it's like it's out of respect and it's not like you it's not like i was like please can i have your permission he's like what are you kidding me of course get out of here and i was like yeah it's great uh so yeah and it's something that

we've all joked about before and stuff and like i've always busted karen's balls about getting married in front of her family and stuff like her mom loves the bit where i the one where i said like karen's like everybody's getting engaged i'm like not everybody karen's mom loves that that's great that's a good joke uh is her brother engaged married no and so that was another funny thing about uh bob is so the we were talking for a little bit and then uh and then he texted me and he is like he's like this is especially great because karen's gonna love beating ne Neil to the altar. Wow. Is he older, younger? Older.

How old? I think he's my age. So I think he's like 32. Got it. I think. You're 32? I'll be 33 this year. Wow.

I'll be 31. See, that's another thing too. I'm like, I'm going to be 33. I got a house. Like, let's do it. Yeah. I talked to Doug Powell about it. He goes, look, man, you got to do something.

He's great, dude. You're right. Did you come to the Andy Haynes show? We hung out before. Nice. to doug powell about it he goes look man you gotta do something it's like yeah great dude you right come to the andy haynes show uh we hung out before nice um yeah me him and andy got a got a drink it was nice uh andy's sober right well don't tell anybody no andy just had water okay andy was funny it's like uh do you mind if i sit at the bar if i just have water to the bartender she's like i guess um so yeah it was uh it was it was very cool like all the outpouring of like support and stuff and it felt very very cool and like personal the first couple days yeah i didn't put it on social media and shit and then monday i put it on social media and it went like fucking crazy yeah people love that shit it was giving me anxiety

a little bit because i was like holy because it was like people reaching out, messages and stuff. And it felt really nice, but I was like, Jesus, this isn't. My phone was going to catch fire. I haven't talked to you in five years. Yeah, yeah. Chris Hudson, what are you doing? What are you doing, Chris? So hold on.

This one person who I've done maybe two shows or two mics with maybe oh yeah show me the part we won't say it but uh no i can say uh well yeah it's just a con i guess i don't say her name don't say her name but she posted uh she posted she said yes to that candy machine ring you must have a huge penis whoa who is that hashtag good job oh christine bane okay that's a funny joke that is funny i thought like uh someone sent you like a sincere message that's funny oh yeah no i mean people definitely did it was really sweet ramin called me uh i missed his call but he left me a voicemail and he's like yeah oh sorry go ahead no you i was good i was like because i was with alex and yeah i was thinking i was like should i call him but i was like i thought you had just done it oh and i was like i don't want to fucking uh you texted though that

was sweet but i was like i don't want to fuck up like their night or whatever no it was it was cool it was weird though being at dinner because we were at dinner yeah with mason mary and i'm just like looking at my phone that i'm also trying to be present with them yeah am i being a dick anyway sorry ramin called oh yeah ramin called the next day and he left a voicemail and he's like um hey man just driving and uh just seeing what you're up to you i know you don't have any big news or anything and like just this meandering kind of voicemail and so i called him back and i was like what's up he's like nothing man just want to call a fellow lone wolf you know we're both just single guys doing our thing and i was like yeah dude that's right so we just riffed around on that i'm like hell yeah we should hang

out later out at the moon do whatever because we're just single guys hell yeah dude and rami is like cool cool let me just log into facebook real quick and i was like oh man be careful on facebook there's a lot of deep fakes there's a lot of stuff that's like you know you can't trust it yeah and he's like yeah right right oh it looks like you posted something oh because i posted that we were at dinner and then the menu was uh in the picture with karen's hand so i was like thinking about getting gelato and a wife yeah and uh romeo's like oh got some gelato last night huh it's like yeah he's like yeah people seem to be into it but looks like you got a little typo here you wrote wife instead of knife what happened so he was very sweet like busting my balls but also like sincere so it was nice imagine like

doing uh or like announcing your engagement did people send out call before phones before even text messaging like probably did you send out cards did you call i'm sure you called like your immediate family man so weird how like different shit is now yeah just like post and it's like done so crazy yeah yeah so yeah people were fucking going nuts and i was like whoa this is i don't know it's like 400 some likes and like i don't how to i don't even know 400 people yeah this is insane but everybody was very sweet about it yeah it was very nice so yeah it felt good man it was like yeah yeah like i was saying it was like something that i uh was very like nervous about but then and i remembered talking to um eric to dory and he's like dude it just feels good like once it's settled yeah that's how i

felt too i was like oh nice that's like because it does feel like okay now we're like we're already a unit or whatever but now it's like oh that done. You don't have to worry about that. Yeah, that's great. Good for you, man. It feels good. So yeah, and then it's also, yeah, some people are like, whoa, it's huge. It's crazy. It's like, not really.

And it shouldn't be. If it was like, holy fuck, you're kind of doing it wrong. I think those are like, yeah, those are dumb people. You should be pretty settled in, right? You shouldn't be like, whoa. Yeah, those are people who like should be pretty settled in right you should be like whoa yeah those are people who like i don't know like think like uh putting a spoiler on the back of their car is a big deal that they have to post on facebook that's how you get engaged to your car yeah you know i put a spoiler on it dog uh but yeah thanks man it's been uh it's been nice i've made boo uh

hopefully he's not gonna be a bastard anymore. He's going to go legitimate. So that'll be nice. But yeah, man, you were in New York. How was New York? It was good. It was great. I made pretty much a last minute decision.

I was like, fuck it. I'm just laying around because I'm off all summer. When you're off, it's so weird because you won't talk to people like in person until maybe like six o'clock yeah in that evening i kind of have that sometimes when i telework if i'm just by myself like yeah it's weird like i'm like oh i gotta get around some people i'm getting a little squirrely yeah so uh i would just like sit around and and with free time you are so unproductive like i'll be on my phone for hours in bed. Yeah.

And I'm like, what am I doing? I just watched. I started following this Instagram account. It's called Kids Getting Hurt. Yeah. I had to unfollow it. And it's just so stupid. But Alex got me into it.

That sounds like a very Alex account. Oh, so Alex. Yeah. But anyway, yeah. So I go to New york i booked i ended up booking three shows but i had to cut my trip short um so i came home on wednesday instead of friday uh saturday so i would i would have a show tonight actually gotcha but uh i had to cut it short and um so i got there monday i booked uh oh dude i drove drove to New York cause I don't like taking a bus or in the

trains like a plane ticket. Yeah. Train is so expensive. Driving to New York is not that bad. Honestly, if you stay in Brooklyn, yeah, parking is free. Um, I've never paid to park in Brooklyn. I drove everywhere in Brooklyn. It wasn't a big deal.

The tolls are a little killer. That tolls are that Verrazano bridge. It's like $14 tolls add up to like $30, uh that verizono bridge tolls are like 14 dollars tolls add up to like 30 dollars uh one way but it's still like a bus ticket can be like and it's just nice to be like i can pull over whenever i want your own car you're not sitting next to like crazy people there's no issues no like fucking like loud music that's not yours yeah baby crying uh so i drove real quick uh just reminds me one time i took a bolt bus into new york just to hang out with my buddy mike and i took it like on like a late friday night or something like that because i had to work or

whatever it was but we ended up getting into new york at like i don't know like close to like 11 and everybody on the bus is just quiet like the lights are off you know it's like yeah and as we're pulling into new york like sort of near um like 42nd street or whatever what's uh fuck why am i blanking on what's what's that called station uh yeah yeah it was like i think theirs is also pen right yeah so yeah that's where we're pulling into and the dude this dude started playing on his headphones but like all the way up that jay-z and rihanna song new york it's like and the guy and the guy's like here we go baby yeah my city and they're like dude shut up god i people. The whole bus has to listen to this guy. New York.

So, yeah, I drive in. I get there, and it's Monday night. Did you guys have a crazy storm? Yeah. Dude. Yeah. So, as, like, right when I get into Alex's apartment. By the way, like whenever like I walk into someone's apartment building.

Yeah. I'm like, especially New York because they're all old. The marble is like so worn. And you know how much marble has to be walked on. Yeah. For it to be that worn. Yeah. And it all smells like shit.

New York stinks. Especially in the summer. New York is... It is... I don't understand why people like it. It is only cool to me because the comedy there is awesome. Everything else about that city to me fucking sucks. Stressful, yeah. It's so stressful.

So I'm walking up. He lives on like the fourth floor there's no elevators i'm like i couldn't imagine moving into this place and it's like elevators it's like those super like you know like go up like maybe like the steps are like five six steps then you guys turn five six steps turn i'm like yeah moving furniture into this i would fucking hire but i know that they didn't hire movers and then like you know you live in this like apartment gets no light yeah it's all like uh alex lives with a another guy who's trying to be a comic um and then some other guy i don't know what he does but they all like their house their apartment looks like a fucking dorm room gotcha and like dorm room furniture yeah it's

like i mean but the kitchen is so tiny yeah like i was like how do you even wash a dish in this thing how do you cook in this kitchen yeah they don't i don't think you i don't think yeah i will say my buddy mike uh he's got a really nice spot really in williamsburg he's right around the corner from the knitting factory too wow it's all like i mean they could make their apartment nice sure but it's just like the lifestyle of new york and like but that's the thing it's like it's so expensive and you're like well this is also temporary i'm not gonna get nice shit like fuck it yeah but then it's like what is your long-term plan i think about that i'm like you're 32 dude yeah and that's the thing like that's why i was

like this is why i'll never make it oh because there's no way in hell i'll ever live like that ever that's literally what i tell people they're like what are you thinking about la or new york it's like i'm way too rich to be poor again i'm too comfortable to you know i'm not like rich but i'm like i'm way too comfortable things are good like yeah i talked to i i was talking to my buddy blake uh about retirement and he's like yeah i'm looking at delaware because they don't fuck you on taxes like they do in maryland it's like oh word i didn't even know that was a thing so i'm 30 years away from retiring and i'm like where am i gonna move where don't they tax social security income

but you'll have enough money that you don't need to. Oh, yeah. But I'm sure when you get older, if you're like, yo, if I can just move, I don't know, like 50 miles and they don't tax me, yeah, I'll do that. Yeah. So I get in his house and he's like, all right, there's no AC in our living room right now. And I'm like, fuck. And it is gross in there. But he hired some guy to put the unit in later that night. Oh, okay.

I was like, thank God. If I had to sleep on this fucking couch without any conditioning, I would be so bummed yeah but uh but it's a free place to stay yeah but it's also so hard to sleep like that i was doing a show in brooklyn that night it's a really good show it's called funny moms yes and it's like a come town show so our friends they have this podcast it's super popular stop nick and adam yeah and um so it's i'm like just hanging out with alex it's real fun and then it's like starts fucking i mean we're in his apartment it is pouring like a monsoon it's like pouring like in like stranger things when it rains it just rain because usually when it pours here it like lasts for 20 minutes yeah dude it was pouring forever

and i had to go to this show alex gets a flash flood warning on his phone and i'm like dude i have to go to this fucking show yeah it's like i can't just yeah i don't want to be late yeah and uh so i was gonna drive there because i was like i looked at how much an Uber would cost. It was like three miles. It would cost $45. Wow. And I was like, all right, well, I'm not going to do that. I guess I'll just drive. And I also didn't want to take the Metro there. Yeah.

Because I was like, fuck it. I brought a car for a reason. Or the train, as they call it. The train. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. And the subway, whatever.

Yeah. So I walk outside. There is three inches of water on the street oh three inches that's a lot there's whether it's water or dick that's a lot that's a lot i'll be honest there's no way around it dude so i'm like all right so i run through it now my shoes are soaked i have a raincoat but i don't have an umbrella my pants just walking because i walk a couple of i'm drenched yeah i am like i am like i jumped in a pool i am like so i'm like wow this is fucking new york in a nutshell like i fuck this town so then i'm like drive and also it's not that warm anymore and i so then uh i go i drive i find parking i go inside

the venue it's freezing and i got there so early i and if i would have waited like 15 more minutes you'd be fine it would have stopped raining and i would have been fucking fine so now you're a fucking ice cube because you're wet and the air conditioning is on. I'm shivering. I'm like shivering. I don't have a hoodie or anything. And it's just so funny. I'm like, oh, look at me. Because like I just imagine like if I was like a young guy, I'm like, I'm here living, chasing my dream.

That happens to me. I'm just like the world is just like fuck. New York is like I think Kumail Nanjiani said he's like New York, like your first year in new york is like every day someone punching you in the face that's what it seems to be like like you need a year to acclimate to learn how to live in new york exactly to be like all right this is my normal everyday setup i now i know what sucks how to avoid it how to make it a little less shitty yeah so then i'm like hanging out in this bar and the come down crowd is a lot of like single white males who borderline incels. They stay on their computers all day. I see them start coming in.

Some really hot girls, though. Nice. Like three or four like insanely hot girls. But of course, they have boyfriends. Well, I have a girlfriend, so it doesn't matter. Sure, of course. They all have boyfriends. Well, I have a girlfriend, so it doesn't matter. Sure, of course. They all have boyfriends. That goes without saying.

But it's just like they're only here because their boyfriends brought them. Yes. They don't know about Comptown Independent. No, they're not like, yeah, I can't wait to see Stav's new bits. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a cool fucking space, dude. Yeah.

You should do it. It's come on everybody or whatever. Yeah. Have you been no oh my god it's fucking awesome i would love to yeah i think i'm gonna try to make it up there in maybe early early monday just hit up uh stuff or adam yeah i'm gonna try to go yeah for like early october maybe and uh so uh and then you can do staff show on on Tuesday. Ooh, I would love to. At the stand. But so, dude, they go up and it's unreal how funny Nick Mullen is. He's so good.

They're just riffing so hardcore. They were doing some joke about the Epstein and stuff. Yeah. And just like uh i don't know like adam brought up michael jackson and he's like yeah some people said he's like you know he doesn't have any like that he's like no private parts he's just uh-huh like he's just smooth down there and then nick out of nowhere he's like yeah some people call him a smooth criminal it was just like the people went nuts yeah i can't do like just but just the riffs that were

going out were just great i was like how does he think of this well he's also i mean with the podcast like constantly riffing and to be doing that now i guess for what yeah two years like he's just it was already so yeah so i'm like so nervous i'm like god this is new york and you shouldn't be it's just a crowd right but you're wet you're uncomfortable you're in a new spot but also it's um just being in new york it like you feel this pressure to kill yes because you i mean like they're my like you know stav's a buddy and like i know nick yeah adam's seen me before but it there's another comic there mike feeney and i've heard of him greg fitzsimmons actually told me about him okay and uh and i was like man

i want to kill like of course well and then like so uh mike goes up first uh-huh and uh he fucking he bombed he saved it his last bit worked but everything else bombed was he working on new shit or seemed like it but i don't know gotcha and um yeah and he would acknowledge anytime he acknowledged he got a laugh that would always get a laugh right right and uh so i'm even more nervous now because like i was like dude i don't think these people want jokes they just want to hear like them riff yeah but by the end i was like all right he's got them they're ready for jokes but two of the other comics bailed they canceled and so then stav's like all right man i gotta go kill time i'm like all right so then he goes and just starts riffing yeah crowd i'm like god damn it they were ready for jokes yeah now stop and stav's killing we're just like

he's like you know he's like what did you do today blah blah blah yeah he's just like making fun of people in the crowd and they like this is all they want they all all they want the crowd is like dick jokes retard jokes pedophile jokes yes and they're podcast fans so they want to be like we're interacting with the guys from the podcast we like like to them they're like celebrities that's what i mean so it's like oh we're interacting and now it's almost like they're like and now we brought in umar to do a presentation and they're like ah fuck that so then stop he brings me up and he's like dude he's like a good friend of mine we used to run a show together in baltimore i'm like i love

that that's my credit like that is the biggest thing i've done in new york is that i used to do a show with stuff you did stuff with with yeah yeah exactly we've had meals together yeah cool so uh but dude i fucking had a hot set nice i mean i i think i knocked it out of the park hell yeah and uh i made i was making fun of their crowd because earlier stop like made fun of this guy. He's like, so what do you do? He's like, nothing. He's like, yeah, I'm just kind of like I'm unemployed. I've been unemployed for like a year and I'm just like going through my savings. And he's like, wow, that's going to end real bad.

Yeah. But he was sitting in the front row and he put his feet up on the stage. Oh, I hate that. But everyone did it. And it seemed like that's the norm. It's just the norm. Okay. There was another guy next to him, like a lit major, like a PhD grad student in English or something.

Uh-huh. And he was doing that too. And I was like, man, well, look at these guys. They're sitting like the confidence of people who make money. And I got killed. And I just kept like making fun. It was great. Well, there you go.

Yeah. I mean, you worked in some, some riffage along with the bits. All the jokes hit um they uh like one thing they got uptight on but then i was like you guys just laughed at fucking pedophilia pedophiles raping retarded children right and then that got like a laugh it was great it was awesome man it was awesome and it helps too that yeah you do know those guys too so it's not like it's completely like me against everybody or those guys too so it's not like it's completely like me against everybody or i have to prove myself to every like there's an element of that

but there's also some comfortability which is nice to have yeah and then uh adam is going through a breakup he is you didn't know that no i kind of assumed but yeah he got engaged too well it's over it's over dang i don't know i don't know what it is you might have cheated or something so yeah he is depressed yeah and um he was he was kind of talking to me about it a little bit before the show and then um you know their fans are crazy yeah and like some of their real hardcore fans like they're sending her death threats and stuff what the fuck and he's like dude she's like a child and she doesn't know to just ignore it so she's like engaging and it's making it worse boy and then so and everyone

everyone figured out they they had broken up because he stopped before he even said anything about it. Because, dude, once you stop following people on social media, people figure that out. So people figured out that not only did he stop following her, Nick and Stav stopped following her too. That's such a weird wrinkle with modern day relationships and shit. And then you're like, all right, right now i gotta go delete old pictures yeah so he goes up on stage and he's like so uh and he you know he's like he's he's almost his uh vibe on stage is almost very woody allen-esque yeah yeah he's like this jewish guy and he's very like nerdy yeah and he's like so i'm going through so he's like so i just uh went through a breakup and the place like goes crazy wow it's we are living in strange times very strange times yeah to be like yeah i got

my heart broken like yeah and but is they're very supportive but you know it's all like with i think it's so funny like some people don't understand it is like oh they're comics but it's like dude you can't send death through like it hurts every like it hurts him it hurts her hurts like her fan it hurts everyone involved like if you really care about this guy yes why would you do this well because you're fucking stupid you shouldn't have to explain like hey a death threat's not the best idea i know here's 10 reasons why a death threat's a bad idea like so uh yeah he he uh he had some pretty good like breakup material it was pretty funny well there you go see at least he's getting material out of it yeah yeah it was good

man he so it was a great show and it was funny because um since both the comics bailed it was just uh nick pieced right after they did the riffing. Oh, really? Yeah. And then I would have loved to see him do a set. Yeah. Man, he was... I think he had to go to the stand.

He was always so funny. I pictured... Like, speaking of Alex, me, him, and this dude, Dan Friedman, used to host Chuckle Storm here in Baltimore. You know, Facebook, you get, like, memories and stuff. There was one where we had Nick Mullen on. And I like oh yeah it's funny to see him it's like baby nick mullen he didn't have a beard right uh no i don't think so i think he had like sideburns right but yeah he just had like a shitty sweatshirt and basketball shorts on but uh that's how he dressed he wore uh like just like a shitty hoodie and like a maroon Adidas. Yeah,

that's great. Whatever. Dude, he's, he's one of the best right now, man. He's unreal. He's always,

he's always been so funny. Like he was a dude where it was like when we were all, I mean, he's always been like, I feel like at another level, but before he like really popped he'd have people like pat and oswald retweeting him and shit you're like oh my god he's a it was funny uh so me and mike finney's a very cool guy very fun i just you know he probably

had an off night yeah i got new stuff yeah but uh so we um we were standing next to each other and we're like dying and like yeah i just, I just turned to Mike Feeney. I was like, God, dude, he's like, he's a fucking savant. And he's like, yeah, dude, it's called autism. Right, right. Exactly. At least he's using his autism for good, you know? So then Tuesday I had another show, but I had to spend like all day pretty much alone

because Alex had to work. Right. So, which in New York is weird weird like i like being in a new city so i went to like a really nice breakfast spot and it was like amazing breakfast uh super overpriced for the portion sure par for course new york baby and then you're like i'll just walk around but new york is unless you're in times square which is gross it's not really a town where you're like i'll just walk around and see what i run into yeah you have to know where to go yeah mike's neighborhood in williamsburg you can kind of do that a little i was in williamsburg and it's like fine but it's

all just like it's a lot of bars and restaurants yeah a lot of like but now it's like so built a lot of like corporate stores and you're like no there's no charm here anymore right i mean i know there is but just in that area in williamsburg where i was it's funny like how many times you've been in to williamsburg like two or three and you're like oh what happened to the job like he used to play like stickball there just like everyone talks up talks it up like oh brooklyn's so cool so yeah blah blah but it's like oh this is just hamden or hamden is a copy of yes exactly yeah everyone looks so ugly everyone is dressed like a piece of shit right i think like brooklyn fashion like is but that is that is the funny thing like they could easily

be a millionaire like look at this trash i'm sure these at i met two really nice guys after the show they're like 21 and they're like oh man you were really funny and like yeah that's what's so another funny thing it's like i had my cards with me to hand out yeah dude i fucking crushed yeah i'm gonna hand out so many cards and they're come town fans they're gonna fight like they see famous people do stand up for eight all the time and they're like yeah we don't give a fuck yeah so no one but those two kids they were really nice so uh they start like you know i gave them cards and uh right and the one kid's like 21 kid just quit uh school college and one kid and he wants to do stand up and i was like oh man i was like you got to go back to school

well and do both yeah dude go back to school yeah do both. Yeah, dude, go back to school. Yeah, but the other kid, he's like, yeah, I'm like trying to learn how to code, but I'm really bad at it. And I'm like, whoa, how do you make money, dude? He's like, oh, my parents are rich. My parents just got divorced and they sold their home and lower east side for their was at three point five million dollars. Holy shit. All right.

Speaking of parents, my dad has called me twice so let's pause and we're back all right the magic of podcast rich parents yeah rich 5 million dollars my dad was calling because he's like how come these phone numbers keep popping up on my screen i think because you got a triple play package from comcast and people are caught like he called twice i thought it was like an emergency i know my mom does that all the time i texted him like I think because you got a triple play package from Comcast and people are called. Like, he called twice. I thought it was like an emergency. I know. My mom does that all the time. I texted him like, hey, I'm podcasting right now.

Can I get back to you? And then he called. So I'm like, oh, shit. Because I talked to him earlier in the day. He said he threw out his back. So I'm like, are you all right? And now he's like, what's with these phone numbers? I'm like, okay.

Yeah, that's what's so shitty. Like, my mom is like insane. And she'll call and call and call. Like, one time I was in a movie and she knew I was in a movie yeah i was like all right i guess like someone's dead so i walked out she's like hey it's your turn to do the trash tonight i was like what the fuck yeah i just ignore her calls if i'm like busy now right but she'll call and call yeah and then like text and then one time i was like hanging out with my buddy and called called called i was like it's just my mom whatever and then get a text like hey your grandma's dead i was like oh well

you know this is your fault she's like also take out the trash yeah jesus uh all right so then tuesday yeah uh yeah i'm walking around i'm like oh man this is like ah whatever so i'm like all right i'll go back to alex's apartment and watch tv but it's just so weird like new york is you feel like you're in this cool ass city yeah and you're like i don't know what to do everything is just like so hard to get to it's so like annoying you know yeah and someone's like i'll just chill in his apartment until the show and then i'm like getting antsy i had his car to his gym and I worked out at his gym. Oh, that's cool.

And that was cool. And then I was like, all right, I got to figure out how to get to Manhattan because my show's at the stand, which is like a new, they just built a new. Oh, yeah. New club. Yeah. And, and also I texted Mark Norman because I saw that he is headlining the comedy seller and I was like, shit, I want to see that.

Yeah. But I hate texting him. I'm very scared. Because I'm sure tons of people are hitting up. Yeah, tons of people bother him. He's like a semi-famous comic. Yeah. Very low-end famous.

But he's been on TV and he's like... As far as comics go, he's at the top. Yes. Poor comics. And the upper echelon yes and you're headlining the comedy seller yeah it's a sold out show yeah so i was gonna buy a ticket and not bother him but the show sold out gotcha and i'm talking to chris he's like dude ask him for a spot i'm like i'm not gonna ask him for a spot he's because he thought it was at the fat black which is and he's like he would totally give you a guess which is like a smaller club but it was at the Fat Black. And he's like, he would totally give you a spot. Which is like a smaller club.

But it's still the Comedy Cellar. Owned by them. But yeah, yeah, yeah. I still wouldn't ask him for a spot. Because even asking for a ticket is like, eh. Oh, yeah. But also like him and Chris are friends' friends. Yes.

And I'm not. Yeah. And so I'm like, I was like, I don't know, man. He's like, dude, just do it. He respects you. He thinks you're funny. And I'm like, I don't know, man. He's like, dude, just do it. He respects you. He thinks you're funny. And I'm like, I don't know, dude. I'm so scared.

I don't want him to think I'm annoying. Or like using him. And I was like, fuck it. I'm going to do it because I want to hang out. That would be an insane hang. Yeah. And so I text him. Then I go to the shower.

And I'm like, oh, God, Jesus. And then I get. It's like you're asking a girl on a date. Oh, gosh. Yeah, I know. Oh, man. I'm like, oh, dude, he hates me. He's like never going to work with me again.

Yeah. And then he's like, hey, what's up, man? And I'll try to. Hey, man. Hey. What's up, man? All right. No, that's Aziz.

Yeah. For some reason, Aziz called me. Hey, man. Hey, man. No, he's like, hey, man. He's like. I just got me tuned. He's like like i'll see what i can do and uh so uh and he's like yeah you should be good i was like sweet and uh so then i was like man this is gonna be great so then i also love eating you know like

really no i just like i watch all these food shows and most of them are take place in new york yeah so much so there's this place it's considered the best burger in new york where jg allen okay and uh it rings a bell the burger show that i watch and you're just like mcdonald's and bone appetit they did a video there where they went to it and they ate every single thing off the menu i'm pretty sure it's pronounced bone ape tit but yeah and uh i went twelve dollar burger just a burger plain not great not great not this but i get it not great it was whatever yeah but it's probably not even better than the uh food market burger was it or is it like on par i've i think the food market burger is better like i'll get to the burgers juicy but it's just ground meat yeah

it's just like i don't fuck it that's whatever all these places they just get known for things they get lazy well so there's hype too there's hype and alton brown said this he was like you know like honestly like the places that are known for these things yeah when they get known for these things like these recipes like they don't evolve they don't keep up with the times and yeah that yeah they'll end up getting lazy coast and it doesn't matter because once you're known for the thing people you don't have regulars you just have tourists so they come once and they'll never come back it doesn't matter yes and i think that's what happened to this place gotcha but uh but it

was still fun hang i went by myself and i sat at the bar and i also felt guilty because i didn't want to drink it was like hey man i'm not drinking i myself, and I sat at the bar. And I also felt guilty because I didn't want to drink. And I was like, hey, man, I'm not drinking. I just really want a burger. And somebody was like, look at this incel, cumtown fan. But he was really cool. And then I was talking to this couple, and it was nice. So then I walk.

You chatting up strangers? I'll be damned. I'll be damned. You're like, so I'm hanging out with them for four hours. Yeah. I got to get them in the comedy cellar. Yeah. And so then uh i'm just

like walk around manhattan way better looking people better dressed like just well yeah it's a difference from between brooklyn is like everyone looks like baltimore just weirdos well it's it's hipsters and then manhattan people with money money yeah successful rich yeah and like just so hot yeah and uh so that was cool i was just like in uh the places right right near the comedy cellar uh-huh so you're just like you see like you're just seeing comics that you know walking around yeah well there's yamanika saunders like you're like oh my god that's uh oh shit i forgot her name but i go off smearing off yakov smearing carrot top oh there's jeff dunham ian fidance Like, oh, my God, that's... Oh, shit, I forgot her name. Yakov Smirnoff. Yakov Smirnoff. Carrot Top.

Jeff Dunham. Ian Fidance. And no one knows who these people are. Yeah. And so I go to the stand with Alex. He meets up with me. And I walk in and Stav is there. Uh-huh.

And Tim Dillon's at his table. Giannis Papa's at his table, who are two, like, awesome comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're just hanging out at this table. it's so cool and intimidating sure and then like stav and alex are catching up and um awesome yeah it was great and then the show the show was hey this was his third show at the stand they it's third sold out show yeah it's like 60 70 people but it wasn't that this show was not that great like stav didn't have a great set i didn't no one had a great set huh it was just like a very like huh

huh huh like i think everyone was into it right it just wasn't great like dude nicky glazer was on the show roy wood jr was on the show he's a killer tim dillon was on the show yeah it was insane yeah insane yeah and i ran into like joe zimmerman was on the show he's dungeon and show yeah yeah tim dylan's dungeon jokes i ran into brian parisi nice oh my god it was like the coolest hang then i'm hanging out with like this uh this comic shane uh he has like neck tattoos all over him he's done a dry bar special i know who you're talking about really nice guy yeah same story he used to be like in a gang right he was like he was like part of this like hardcore music scene

and then wait the guy with neck tattoos yeah the hardcore music are you serious they would just like beat up people at shows yeah people approach them like hey do you want to make money and they're like yeah like well you just rob you're gonna rob people for us who already know it's happening. So, like, what happens, they go in advance into, like, a 7-Eleven. Like, hey, two people are going to come here tonight, and they're going to ask for the money. You give them the money, and then you get a little cut of it. Oh, so you got an inside man. Yeah.

Yeah. And then they would just report. But then the 7-Eleven employee just reports it as a robbery yeah of course they would go around doing this everywhere and i was like dude like how much money yeah did like these gangs make he's like dude like i've been in front of millions of dollars in cash and then like and then it got to a point where like he's like yeah and sometimes we have to fuck people up like i had to like i hacked up a guy with a sword and stuff excuse me yeah like hacked up a guy with a sword crazy i thought you're gonna say i had to like i hacked up a guy with a sword and stuff excuse me yeah like hacked up a guy with a sword crazy i thought you're gonna say like had to like beat a guy up kill but i think he like fucked up a guy with a sword what what is this medieval times dude what are

you talking about it dude like this shit like i mean it's like and he's like then like um a sword and then he was like how does the sword come into play and then so so him and tim dylan you know tim's crazy yeah he's like so if i uh if i got us uh if i got us a studio tomorrow this is fascinating would would you come do my podcast would you talk about this yeah yeah sure i can't talk about a lot of but yeah i can talk about some of it yeah and then so like he's just like tim and janice are just talking to him about and i'm just like you try to chime in but you just realize you're a fucking nobody nobody cares and also if you whiff on that pitch oh that hurts oh and i did i was like oh yeah because it because it's like a double dutch and you're like let me i'll jump in

i can jump in and then if you jump in and you fuck it up they're like who the fuck are you crazy because like they'll you'll say something they just look at you yes and then they go right back to what because it's just like who the fuck are you yeah tim i know but even though it but yeah it's just like unless you're insanely funny just don't talk yes and chris allen told me the same thing he was like yeah dude i was hanging out with sam because sam morel knows him right and sam him sam mark Norman, and a couple other comics were all hanging out at the cellar. Yeah. And they're all like, and he's like, yeah, I would try to get, and Chris is not like

a shy guy. He's a huge personality. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, anytime I would try to talk, like the manager, this girl Liz at the cellar would just look at me like and roll her eyes. And so he's like, so I just stopped talking. And he's like, you just look at your, it's like, you just look at your phone, you her eyes and so he's like so i just stopped talking right and uh he's like you got like you just look at your it's like you just look at your phone you pretend like

you're not and i'm like it just sounds like you're like trying to pick up a girl that's so funny yeah well it's also like oh okay i'm not cool that's all right i'm not cool but it was still it was just so cool to like hang out and be a part of that yeah so the guy was telling me he's like dude we would make like we would like easy money he's like what we would do is like we would start we would just break into cars just like this is when like you know people were like really valued like stereo shit oh yeah just be breaking the cars parking lot just take all that shit if someone was like hey what are you guys doing we would fuck them up rob them get more money and then he's like and then we would just you know because when you're in this world you know people who want that stuff yeah we make thousands of dollars in one day and i was

like wow that guy has some karma coming to him i know and i was like so how'd you get out of it and he's like well like one day we were at some fast food joint and uh we got in some argue altercation yeah with with this group. And my younger brother, me, and we're all doing this. And we're just like, my younger brother is on top of this guy, beating the shit out of him. And his mom is yelling, like, stop. What are you doing? And he's like, oh, God, we're such bad guys.

What about when you hack somebody up with a sword? I'm still hung up on that. I know. Well, hopefully, if he did Tim's pod, we can listen to it. Yeah, Jesus. But he asked me to open for him. Oh, nice. Yeah.

When is he coming? I can't. He's coming to the loft. Oh. I'm going to be at the improv. I was going to say, I was looking at his Instagram the other day, I think, because the loft posted about it. But I saw his dry bar thing, I think, before, and I saw some of it.

And it's so funny. Like, somebody like that like this guy has like face tattoos like his entire neck is all tatted up right and you see somebody like that and now it's just funny with tattoos in this day and age you're like is this guy a pussy or is he like the toughest dude of all time yeah because you can have people like that that are just like oh no i just have a cubicle job and I have tattoos. He looks like a pussy and sounds like a pussy, but if everything he's saying is true, holy shit. Sure, but I'm just saying, like, you can be tatted up

and you're also like, I run a youth group. But he's so nice. Like, dude, like, we were talking before the show and I was like, hey, man, I know you, blah, blah, blah. And so we started talking and I was like, dude, I'm so nervous. Like, I'm a fucking nobody. He's like, yeah, dude, we, he's like, like i am too like in in new york i'm a nobody right everywhere else yeah yeah and he was like yeah and then um so we're just like he's like i'm just here to hang

out and like make friends and network so i can get on shows like he headlines clubs yeah but no one knows who he is in new york he's the micer again he said and um yeah that's how it goes that's another reason i don't want to move it's like you guys start all over yeah i think it'd be a little like you i feel like it'd be a little different but you're right it would suck oh yeah yeah i mean uh yeah so he watched my set and he like took pictures for me we exchanged numbers oh cool yeah it was nice nice man so then i'm running over to the comedy cellar and uh there's like a huge line outside the comedy cellar and i was like oh shit are you guys what's what's this they're like oh this is for standby oh like oh that sucks so i went in front of all them and

i'm like hey uh my name is umar um yeah i should be on the list and they're like yep here you go and then i walk in and the comedy cellar is like the best club anywhere, right? It has so much notoriety because of Louis and everyone. So the best comics are either in New York or LA. And that's the best club in New York. Yeah. So all the best comics work that club. Yeah.

And every show, every night sells out yes and so like this show's sold out yeah i guess like mark you know in new york like uh mark norman like people like do want to go see him yeah and so uh it was just so cool like i walk in and like the steps are kind of like a if you're a comic it's like a famous you know like yeah i was hang all the pictures are there mark sitting on the steps uh his opener who i got brunch with all of us and lara is there so i walk in and mark sees me he's like he's with me and i was like oh my god it felt so cool dude i was like wow that's so cool uh he introduced me to sean patton he's like hey this umar he's a baltimore guy very funny I was like whoa that's crazy it's so funny you're just like a little kid all

the sudden you're like oh geez thanks mister that's like my Disneyland yes you know that's like me meeting Mickey and thinking it's real yeah he didn't mean I'm actually funny but he just feels like he has to say it yeah but like instead of the Mickey ears you get a picture but instead of Mickey ears you have like his weird like

yeah fro hair on or something like hi i'm with them with mark norman so then i'm like just again standing there listening to them talk they're talking about all like the just all the drama that's been happening in the new york scene yeah it's like so cool yeah it's just it's awesome dude it's crazy and uh yeah i yeah it's so funny because everything's the same at every level like any group of comics is going to be talking shit about whatever's happening in the scene or some like asshole comic or something i'm sure that's what it was yeah it's just like their stuff but at a different level uh i got to meet sean patton well he did the podcast i forget what episode it was

but he did the podcast with me and sean joyce his hotel room. Didn't you meet Sean Patton with Nate Bergetzi? Yeah. That's insane. So that's what I was going to say is that Sean Patton was in town because he was shooting his show with Jay Larson that used to be on like, I forget what network. It was like Esquire Network. Yeah. But they would go to like restaurants and bars and cities. I remember that.

I forget what it was called. But then we ended up doing a show at Vendetta, which was really cool. would go to like restaurants and bars and yes i remember that i forget what it was called but um then we ended up doing a show at vendetta which was really cool and then with sean i was like hey would you want to do my podcast while you're in town he's like yeah sure so me and sean uh interviewed him yeah i heard he's a real nice guy so nice and then uh he was doing uh ramin's uh show in the green room at the uh arlington draft house and i was hosting and i was like oh i'll just drive you over there he's like all right would you mind like taking the my buddy nate too i was like uh yeah yeah yeah like i knew he's like yeah nate bargazzi he's a comic i'm like

yeah yeah i know yeah yeah so i ended up taking them to uh to ragtime and i think stav is with me too but um sean and nate are in the back seat like talking about what you have to do to get on fallon they're like oh dude like nate's like yeah i mean fallon's cool and this is at the time when fallon just had his late night show but not the night show and nate's like yeah i mean just submit a tape i mean yeah and they're like the person and you know they're just like talking about like industry shit so it's the same thing of like how do you get booked at the improv or what do you do it's like how do you get on fallon and you know it they're just like talking about like industry shit. So it's the same thing of like, how do you get booked at the improv or what do you do? It's like, how do you get on Fallon?

And, you know, it's the same shit just at a different level. And I'm just like, oh, man, this is so cool. It's crazy. Yeah. So then we're like hanging out after the show in front of the cellar and everyone's coming up to Mark. And it was just really cool. It was like, it's just such an energy. You're like, it's crazy that like you get to be a part of it, a part of it.

And yeah, it was just really nice of him to like yeah uh put me on the list and it's yeah it's somebody somebody you respect is like he's with me he's funny one of the best comics in the country is just like oh he's with me i'm like holy shit that's so cool yeah and that he thinks like well because chris was like dude he wouldn't do any of that stuff if he didn't respect you and i was like all right i guess that's cool of course of course yeah but yeah this is so funny you're like a little kid like no he doesn't like me yeah it's a yeah it's like like a baseball player like giving me a ball or something i'm like oh he doesn't he's like yeah you got a pretty good arm you're like no you have a good arm i don't know yeah it's i mean it's i i think if uh

because it is such a small group when you think about it yes but everybody kind of gets it like if you're a comedian you can recognize like something about that person and the other person beyond like funny you're like oh this guy gets it like i'm sure if you were funny but a fucking weirdo he wouldn't be like yeah let him let him in. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, that's why, like, when I got to hang out with Andy and Doug, it was cool, too. Like, going over, like, old road stories and stuff of them traveling. I would love that. Fuck, I should have come and hung out.

It was fun, man. It was, yeah. Andy is great. You should have him on Gin and Jokes. I would love to. He's so funny. Dude. Where does he live in?

He's in New York. Okay. He's in New York,. I would love to. He's so funny. Dude. Where does he live in? He's in New York. Okay. He's in New York, but he would come down. Dude, he just said like, yeah, I was telling him about your show. I wasn't like,

you could definitely do it, but I was like, you should do Baltimore. He's like, I don't think I've done Baltimore in like seven years. I was like, dude. He's tall, right?

Yeah. Not like freakishly tall, but yeah. Sometimes I worry about the stage. There was like one comic. I was like. Lafayette uh yeah he was he he was really up there yeah i'm like damn dude but yeah yeah i would love to book him dude yeah he was great he has so many good bits he had one where uh uh i can burn it we're at that sort of towards the end of the podcast but he's like talking

about being sober and dating and yeah he's like it's interesting, and it's kind of tough, especially in this day and age. If I meet somebody and she's been drinking, it's a little weird because I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage. Yeah. So if we're making love, what I'll do is I'll just look at her and go, you okay? You all right?

You're okay, right? Yeah, you're okay. Now look in the camera. Tell them? You all right? You're okay, right? Yeah, you're okay. Now, look in the camera. Tell them you're all right. Just like great little like turns. Did he kill? Killed. How was it?

Was it packed? Yeah, it was pretty packed. Yeah. I feel like it's a cool space and it is fun, but the new setup, it makes it a little, it feels so much more spaced out. Yeah, it was a little weird too with the wooden barriers too and stuff, but it was a great time.

Shout out to Ryan Nazer though. That guy fucking hustles, man. So the host canceled that night, so he ended up having to host. He's still seating people. He had a little bit of sweat. He's on the phone. He's like, yep, yep, we're available. I got you down.

And the people came. He's like, oh, hey, how are you guys how you guys doing come on we get a table right here all right we're gonna start showing five minutes how you guys doing ryan is a a super sweet guy he runs a great show and he does it i tell him i'm like dude i don't know how you do a weekly show yeah it's too like crazy like to do a weekly show and other shows consistently yeah and be a father yep it's a lot yeah he hustles so shout out to ryan nazer if you're in the frederick area go to uh cellar door go to cellar door every sunday at seven and uh speaking of plungs let's let's wrap this up um let's see i what am i doing i'm going to

pennsylvania tonight but that, but that will have passed. Let's see. I'm going to be at the Colony Club on the 31st in D.C. I'm going to be headlining that. I'm very excited for that. And I think that's the only thing that I really want to plug right now. So, yeah, on the 31st, come out in D.C. at the Colony Club. I'll be headlining.

All right. August 1st, gin and jokes. August 2nd and 3rd, I'm at the DC Improv in the Lounge. Pow, pow, pow. And then, oh, shit. What are the other shows I'm doing? It doesn't matter. You can just, I'll post about it.

That's it. All right. Hell yeah. And yeah, follow us on the gram. I'm at Josh Katerna. Facebook, all that stuff. Yeah. Say hello and come see us live. And David Koechner, take that stuff. Yeah, say hello and come see us live. And David Koechner, take us out.

Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Take care.