The Digression Sessions - Ep. 300 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: October 10, 2019

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on the week, comedy, and the Yokerrrrr. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Oh, there it is. Uh-oh. Pause button. All those riffs. Oh, no! Did we lose everything?

Should we just pretend like we started over? Yeah, let's pretend right now. Hey, everybody! We are actually starting over. Sorry, no, I pressed pause when I went to go grab that electric razor for you. Oh, and we never got it. We never paused out of it. Oh, man, what a bummer!

We're back, everybody. We're back, baby. The Dig Sesh here, me, Josh Katerna. Hey, I'm the one who shaved, huh? Whoa! No one gets that now. No one gets that riff that riffs for nobody that was the original name of the podcast these riffs are for no yeah uh yeah so umar was supposed to have his uh walkthrough of his house everybody got resched the hgtv episode continues yeah so i'm pumped but we were just discussing so you were saying like

but wait so you were saying the final walkthrough is supposed to happen this week and then you settle on close on thursday yeah so but you were saying you don't know what good knots are what what has to be knotted in your house i meant like i don't know like there's just like these repairs that we we put an extensive list of repairs. I know, but you said nots. You're like, look, if I don't see that oven in nots, we are not. Oh, I stopped my sentence at the word N-O-T, not K-N-O-T. Oh, okay.

All right. And I meant, I don't know what's not fucked up sometimes. There's some things you just don't, if you're not a contractor, I don't fucking know shit. I don't know what's up to code but i mean as long as it kind of passes the eye test at least exactly so that's what we're going for so yeah it's exciting man good pretty much yeah yeah assumes your mind this house buying thing oh really the biggest purchase yeah and all you do is you look at furniture most of it you can't afford you're like god damn it oh yeah yeah it's uh you, too, that you're getting what you pay for.

You're like, yeah, I could get this couch for this or whatever. Or you order something on Amazon, it shows up. You're like, oh, that's why it's $60. Well, dude, also remember when you thought Ikea was super nice? I never thought it was nice, but I was like, wow, this is pretty good for what it is. And then I didn't realize you couldn't move it. Yeah. I went to IQ the first time I was in high school.

Like with a girlfriend, because like 500 Days of Summer had come out. Sure. I never saw it. It's not great. Yeah, I figured. Zoe, what's her nuts? She bothers me. So overrated.

Bothers me. Someone had a good joke about her. It's like the media is so funny because there's all these people who get in trouble it's like well if you're having a gay character why don't you just hire a gay actor if you have a trans character why not hair hire a trans character but they never hire actual ugly girls when they want them to be ugly like so like on her show they're show, the joke was, you just put glasses on a super, like a fucking 10.

You put glasses on a 10, and we're supposed to think she's like dorky and kind of ugly. I think that was the whole thing. It's like, nobody will fuck me. I'm just so quirky. It's like, you could be doing what, like you could be crocheting, and a guy would be like, I fuck you.

Yeah, exactly. You could continue crocheting and watch My Little Pony. I wouldn't care. Glasses have never held back. They're like're like oh your eyes are shitty gross also just like oh okay that's what that's the top of your nose huh and in like the 2000s to sell the idea that wearing glasses is gross is that's just such a like a 70s trope right well i mean there was always the trope too of like the nerd girl and all of a sudden she always has her hair in a ponytail yeah and then she takes it down and takes her glasses like whoa

wait a minute jessica's fucking hot it's like okay you couldn't couldn't tell dude i i used to watch i used to watch my shaving i'm shaving i used to nobody i used to riffs for nobody. Bro, back in the day, I was... I have razors. Can you cough? Dude, these razors, man, they hit your throat a lot. Yeah, you need to get like the Mach 5 or something maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm over the razor pens for my personal... Interesting. The media really got to me. Oh, see, I think that's bullshit though i think what happened with the the uh razors not vapes that were killing everybody yeah i think that was just like cheap stuff that they were buying you're right it was street level and there was like some like vitamin e and if you inhale it it's really a coach your lung yeah i'm like i'm thinking like people have been vaping for fucking years now. And then all of a sudden, 16 people died.

Like, it would have happened a lot earlier. Also, how funny is it, dude, that, like, it's like, yeah, why would that not be bad for you? Somebody posted on Instagram. Why would sucking a robot not be bad? Yeah, like, you ever see a fog machine? What if that just went in your body? You know, like, the technology can't be that great for you. I mean, yeah.

What if I sucked on a tailpipe of a car? Do you think that would have averse effects? Yeah. Why do kids think like... It's like you're literally blowing out smoke for 45 seconds at a time. You don't think your body is absorbing any of that? Oh, just massive chunky vapes, too. Did you think it was all just water particles?

Sure, yeah. That's how it works. Is that water vapor? I guess that's where it comes from. I think that's, yeah, it's supposed to vaporize it, but I'm sure whatever's in there that makes it look that fucking thick, like a fog machine, can't be great for you. I had a thought for a bit where it's like uh it's funny though like vapes have killed thousands of people and like not even that thousands i think it hit that that

oh sorry not killed but thousands gotten that lung disease oh okay i saw yeah killed like eight yeah i was gonna say vapes have killed like eight people some of them are kids yeah and uh we ban them so quick. We banned the flavored vapes. Well, somebody posted something that they're like, man, wait until they find out what actual cigarettes do. Yeah. Way, way, way more damage. That's like proven.

They're like, ah, what are you going to do? But it's just funny. Like, they're like, oh, my God, eight kids have died. We cannot. Trump. Trump is talking about vapes. It's just like. Yeah.

But it's funny because it's like something that kills kids that have that kills themselves is a bad no-no, but totally cool with not banning something that kills other people. Listen, our forefathers didn't put vapes in the Constitution. That was... Yeah. It's like, yeah, you want the King of England coming over here and taking your vape away? So the bit was, to me like i don't think we should ban vapes because to me like think about like any vape vapor you know like and especially like a kid

who vapes i'm thinking about oh you mean a person that vapes i thought you had the word vapor i'm like i know so many types of vapors give me a second give me a second to really think on this i know you know what that might have i think I've tried out this joke once. That might trip people up. Well, yeah. I've never heard of somebody that... Person. I should say person who vapes.

Yeah. Somebody that vapes. Yeah. Think of anyone you know that vapes. Think about vapers. It's like, okay. Guys, they blow your mind. You can walk through them.

Sometimes you can't even see them. Remember those machines? If you have trouble breathing they would blow vape into the you remember that what are those called anyway i don't know what you're talking about no like a vapor and a school shooter i think are the same person uh-huh so that's a bit and then like uh we should like target ads to high school vapors and they get free vapes like you know to whoever fits a profile of a school shooter yeah we like you know like hey do you still think eminem is the greatest rapper

alive right right right right yeah it's like are you fucking twisted bro it's like yeah do you ever wonder why they can say the n-word but you can't do you end your sentences with whoop whoop it's like yeah yes i do anime body pillow that you fuck and think it's totally normal but don't know why people can't accept that do you know yeah hey do you have frosted tips yeah yeah hey did your dad walk out in your mom your mom who stayed there and did her best to raise you but you hate her and all women they're like uh-huh yeah yeah two free um or yeah you could have a vapes for uh guns because they're trying to do the whole buyback thing oh yeah you know you get a uh chunky vape instead of uh that

uh what do they have ar 15 ar 15s yeah what would would be like hey what does the ar stand for josh uh is that what they always say to people? I would say, hey, you can't spell vapor without AR. Let's... Isn't it ER? I don't know. I think it's ER. Well, like the word vapor, as in like a gas, is OR. That's true.

Pretty sure. Pretty sure. But hey, you know... That's where people go after they get shot. All right. Vapors to vapors, huh? Ooh. Huh? Come on, man. That's why you go after they get shot. All right. Vapors to vapors. Huh? Huh? Come on, Pitt.

That's why you tune in for these edgy bits. Yeah. Let me tell you. It's a good thing the pause button is impressed now. We're rolling, baby. Woo! I would leave. I swear to God, I would not have the energy.

If we were not recording all of this. Oh, sure. And I like forced a bit into conversation i would kill myself uh uh speaking of uh killing yourself like like you're a vapor uh i went saw something pretty twisted yesterday um i saw the joker oh dude i almost went where'd you go center bistro uh no went to uh. Ooh. See, I think you made a mistake. Did you hear about the Army, like, putting out warnings? Hey, bro.

When's the last time I gave a fuck about a warning, bro? I'm not gonna lie. Here's the deal, bro. The Army puts out warnings about me. They're like, hey, this pretty twisted dude is gonna see Joker. Look out. Well, like, because they, like, I guess, like like the military warned people of like possible incel violence yeah yeah and so um i was like i'm only wait the military where's the military

google is it's a thing i even heard it i heard it on nbr like don't you need some type of mandate to have the military go into a public space like you can't just you know what i mean like that's like martial law type shit yeah i don't know how they got i don't know why the military is getting intel like that and fbi is it's weird it's a weird yeah or like local law enforcement yeah i don't know yeah so they sent out a warning and then um i was like man i'm only seeing this in a black movie theater uh-huh you know uh-huh and i told chris that and he was like he's like yeah you're not gonna have any shooter wait what did he say oh man he made a great joke it was like uh it's like you're gonna trade shooters for talkers that's what he said yeah we got an active talker uh we're surrounded

by active talkers chris is black everybody can you send in more military it's full of active instead of active shooters we got active talkers everywhere talk yeah you can't say you can't you can't say talker with a hearty are sorry i know you're in a crisis you cannot say you're all right i think it's pretty okay i think it's pretty good dude uh speaking there was there was a talker uh joker not at the Joker. Which is also, that's a good movie too, The Talker. Somebody that just goes crazy and gets up talking in theater. We went and saw Hustlers, the great film for women empowerment. I've heard of it.

It's got Jennifer Lopez in it. She plays bad. She plays a stripper. Her scene uh quite good not all the way oh but like close it's it's pretty close a lot of butt she's uh hot hot she's looking really good but that always uh annoys me too when they're like jennifer lopez is 50 years old and looks incredible it's like yeah and she's a millionaire and all she has to focus on is her looks right and is paying people to perfect that and has

access to all the best of anyway uh person in front of me um a talker and uh they were like looking at their phone too and of course i'm not like crazy invested in hustlers but i'm still it's still very annoying yeah you paid it was pretty good you know who's in it big Big Jay. He's the first voice you hear. He's the DJ. Oh, wow. No, not the narrator. That would be a huge role. No, he's not the narrator. I don't know.

No, he's the... You know, Big Jay is on a podcast called Legion of Skanks. Yeah, and he was a strip club DJ in real life too, I think. Yes, something like that that which totally fits he looks like a vapor he does look like a vapor um but yeah so the uh so this woman is on her phone like texting and then in the movie right in front of me oh movie has started i don't mind during like pre during previews it's a little annoying it's kind of like let's wrap it up but uh during the movie is actively texting yeah Yeah. Then she checks,

you know, in your settings where you can go to your apps and you can set up like, Ooh, do you want notifications from this app? She was doing that from every app, just like going in there and like fucking around in the settings. I'm like, what are you doing?

What are you doing? And then was on the phone. She was with her boyfriend. And then she was on the phone, like talking during the movie and i was like wow that is impressive she just did not give a fuck at all and then i saw her asians are out of control dude yeah those asian talkers and she she was wearing she was wearing i swear to god i it was incredible. This woman did not give a fuck.

She's wearing basketball shorts like down to her knee, no shirt, a sports bra, and like a big ass open hoodie. That's what she wore to the theater too. That's tight. Yeah, it was, woo. Wow. That is so funny. Yeah, I was just like, that is an insane outfit to go to the movie theater. It's like gut hanging out. This is sports funny, dude. Yeah, I was just like, that is an insane outfit to go to the movie theater. It's like gut hanging out.

This is sports bra and basketball shorts. And then you're just making phone calls. Oh, my God. And you can't say anything. Yeah. Because the person who is doing all that in a movie theater, they have zero problem hitting a stranger in public her out if i had not seen her outfit like maybe i would have said something but then seeing her outfit i'm like she truly doesn't give a fuck that's hilarious it's an insane outfit like karen just to wear that to be like i'm gonna run

to 7-eleven real quick i'd be like damn that is uh hey my body positivity she was at seeing a female empowered movie she should be able to yeah it's very however she wants and it is the funny thing about the empowerment thing because the movies like these strippers are like well what if we drug these wall street guys they get so fucked up we'll just run their credit card up all the way and then we'll take the money and it's like yeah women go to jail at the end for not that long some of them do is this based on a true story wow oh yeah and then nikki minaj said she did that yeah she's in it she's in it for a little bit yeah that's cool yeah but it is somebody we know just does asian voices who shane oh and then somebody yeah can uh admit to

drugging and stealing from people and it's like oh you still have a career yeah and they're like you go girl and that's kind of what the movie i'm like if these were guys they'd be real pieces of shit to everybody yeah if they're like hey we just drug women but they were like asshole women so who cares yeah that's a weird thing oh dude so i'm you know i'm getting ready to move uh-huh and uh wait no really you haven't mentioned it what are you gonna apartment you downsizing or well you're gonna write you get annoyed when people call uh row homes apartments not even close bro they're like people walk in all the time and they're like

they don't think they don't know they're being insulting but even though i guess living in apartments not insulting sorry to all apartment listeners yeah sorry you pieces of shit yeah i mean can you guys afford a podcast i don't even know get a mortgage uh no dude so going dead yeah people always walk in like man this is a nice apartment i'm like do you not see multiple floors and fuck you do there's rooms and shit i mean apartments have rooms but it's like yeah it's just saying all the stuff apartments have i got a fridge like where did you grow up you've never seen row homes ever it's a house you live in baltimore city you're calling shit apartments yeah it's like yeah do you think it's we're a city of apartments some people probably but also

it's like uh yeah no this is my apartment it's three floors and i'm the only one that lives in it this is my apartment building it extends all the way down to the block um oh yeah but joker joker was good oh right enjoyed it very very dark joaquin phoenix is really good and uh yeah it's it's like uh it actually has more of like a left-leaning kind of message to it yeah that's what everyone said yeah um i mean it definitely is like fucked up but do you think it went a little long yeah i think in the middle it kind of dragged a little. Like eventually you were like, no, we get it. Like he's really going nuts here.

Would you say it's entertaining the whole way? Yes. Yeah, I would say I got like probably I guess like maybe like somewhere in the second act. So basically they're setting up who this guy is, what his life is, and then he starts to go crazy. And then third act, like, kind of embraces who he is. And then second act, it was, like, after a while, it's, like, we got it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it wasn't bad. That's what I've heard. I wasn't, like, bored. I was just, like, maybe it's, like, an extra ten minutes, you know? Oh, okay. Yeah, I want to see it. But the payoff and everything else was really weird. I mean, it's really fucked up.

They don't hold back at some parts. And Joaquin Phoenix is so fucking good in it. Yeah, that's what I heard. Do you think there's an Oscar nod coming his way? I don't know. I don't know. Because then it all feels so based on what's going on in the zeitgeist. You know what I mean?

I feel like the Oscars kind of plays to that because they had the whole Oscars so white thing. Then the next year they're trying to compensate. And then maybe it's like, well, this movie is very violent. We didn't like it. They're like, well, yeah, we can't reward that. It's about an angry white guy.

That was why people have an issue with this. People didn't want this movie to be made or released. It's like, who are you now that you're going after movies? Yeah. Also, fucked up shit happens in the world and people make fucked up movies. or released people it's like who are you now that you're going after movies yeah also like fucked up shit happens in the world and people make fucked up movies why is that weird yeah and also yeah there's been fucked up movies for forever and i feel like it could go the other way too it's like well how come you can't show a guy a person of color doing good in a movie why do they have to go crazy and kill people like You know what I mean? It would be never satisfied.

Like when Amy Schumer had her movie. They're like, yeah, oh, yeah, she's fat and ugly. There's people that are fatter and uglier than her. You're like, all right. Amy Schumer is kind of fat and not super attractive. Come on, guys. I mean, she's not ugly. Come on, guys. But no, I mean, I don't care.

Who is that woman who's like, Amy, I should have played that role. I am fucking gross. What if people in Hollywood were like, you know, like with like trans actors, they'll name, they'll list off trans actors. What if another like hotter female actress was just like, okay, well, my friend Linda could have did this role. Okay. Or my friend Jessica. And it's just like they're like what the fuck or yeah if you're just basically saying somebody's

ugly yeah you're like Stephanie could do it look at her she's trash like ugly fat women that I know I'm looking at like 10 right now yeah Jenny raise your hand Jenny put your greasy hand in the yeah but yeah I mean I think all that shit's way overblown

it was really good yeah yeah and it also you don't watch that and you're like this guy gets it you're like he he is going to see a therapist and getting his meds from the city then they stop the program and he's already nuts and then just fully goes nuts and you're like well yeah some type of social health care exactly yeah i don't walk away from that being like, he's pretty cool, that Joker. Yeah, white guys. We have it so hard. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like more so he just has mental illness. Yeah. People are just pushing a narrative. It's like, because it's the same thing with the Chappelle special. Like, I went on Rotten Tomatoes. 90% viewers, and it was like 67% critics. For Chappelle? For Joker. Chappelle's more work. It was was a bigger gap i think it evened out oh really yeah i think it started literally at like zero and 99 percent

like disparity between critics and great unreal but it's like i feel like they all have this pressure to feel like they have to i don't know make everything political and identity everything yeah everything an issue and everything's an issue so now you know they're like well this movie um supports incel violence and all like in uh like like kind of like the narrative that like white men see but also they were posting that too without even seeing the movie because it's not even that's the crazy it's not it's not even that like it's not even based around him being like god i wish i could get pussy like it's more so just him going nuts and then it gets folded into kind of rich versus poor a little bit yeah if anything it's more about that which is like a lot of like the shit that you you know, you guys are like, yeah, there's a lot of disparity here.

We should fix that. Yeah. So, yeah, it's what bothers me. Like, you can say whatever you want, but if you haven't seen it and you're like, well, here's the problem with it. It's like, all right, dude. All right, man. Damn.

All right, man. But yeah, no, it was nice. Got brunch and then got brunch at Clavel, which you can appreciate. Love a nice Clavel. Did Clavel and then went right to joker it was very nice very nice uh got a got a breakfast quesadilla and i just ate that bitch like it was a taco i know that's what you're supposed to do right i don't know i never use a knife and fork with a quesadilla gotcha well i mean pick your upper typically it comes chopped

up a little bit like into sections sometimes no not a clavelle not a clavelle but i'm saying quesadillas in general oh yes you know yeah there's like taco bell quesadillas dude nah i mean oh and yeah restaurants yeah it's crazy how different quesadilla is from like a real place and then to like champ sports yeah bar and grill but dude i fucking that used to be my go-to menu item in high school yeah i mean it's a fucking quesadilla guac on the side if it doesn't come oh yeah so good yeah eclevel yeah i am spoiled too with like the american version of stuff i'm like does that come with salsa and sour cream they're like i don't even think we have sour cream here and i'm like ah co-co-co yeah that's

cool that's cool that's cool man yeah i was just seeing these lame-os that i'm with one yeah that's so funny i remember i asked for ketchup at um parts and labor people fucking like people they're like you they hate on ketchup and i'm like bro fuck you and like the guy tried to talk me out of it and i was like no bro give me ketchup for your what from a burger oh yeah it's like well it's you know it's our burger comes in and it's like there was some shit on it i was like yeah i ate i took a bite i want ketchup dude just like yeah i don't think the ketchup is gonna make it worse i was gonna say i get uh push back with steak and ketchup i understand that and listen i do fucking scrambled eggs and ketchup eggs and ketchup is good a lot of people hate on that. It is just tomato and sugar, but it's tight.

I get it with no sugar added. I'll tell you that. Do you get that ketchup? Yeah. It's pretty good. I'm going to buy ketchup at Mom's. Organic Market, bro. I'm going to buy organic ketchup. You can do that at Giant, too. Giant's got all that Heinz shit. But that's where I get

the no sugar. It's not like, wow. It's not noticeable. It's not like the difference between peanut butter and or you know peanut butter and ketchup yeah i do eggs and peanut butter you know what people frown on it and fuck them i'm an incel like i grew up my friend grew up her whole life uh her parents are like crazy hippie dippy vegetarian so yeah and they also ate everything like organic raw so she only had like real peanut butter without anything added just ground up peanuts where you have to mix the oil good christ and so she told me like the first like when the first time she remember eating peanut butter at

her friend's house like yeah she thought it was like candy like dessert right now if you go back and eat peanut i don't eat normal like the peanut butter we grew up eating oh yeah yeah shitty whatever you gotta mix it when you go back it's so it's not it's like it is like you're eating like it's just sugar well that's insane yeah that's i mean that's like a lot of uh breakfast foods that are sold to you too oh yeah like like when you realize it's sugar like it's like is in every cereal that's the main point of me like holy shit or you look at yogurt yeah orange juice remember that in the commercials they're like a part of this balanced breakfast i was like dude do you know how much fucking sun kissed i drank growing up oh forget it it's so bad for you it's like dude i i uh i had i think we talked about this on the podcast but i had a

mini fridge in my room that i would keep stocked with all types of soda yeah and my grandma would buy me five pound bags of hot tamales which is just pure sugar as well with a little bit of cinnamon in like a little like bullet shape i'm eating those pounding fucking black cherry soda and playing video games it's incredible i didn't get diabetes or something or like gain a ton oh my god that's a sugar on sugar and then you go to bed and you're like well i guess i could wake up and probably eat some like i don't know sugar smacks or something or lucky charms yeah i'm so glad i didn't grow up with like crazy parents like about food my parents were the exact they didn't give a i could i'm like yeah if there was like a cheesecake trainer uh we could eat as much as we wanted.

No permission. Drink as many Cokes as we want. My mom drew the line at Cookie Crisp. She's like, those are just cookies. You can't have that for breakfast. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, but they're not even. They're just grains that they make to look like cookies.

But with chocolate and shit in it. I get it. But it still was like, yeah, you can have Lucky Charms. I was like, what? I can't live like this. But it's all that's a funny part yeah yeah yeah yeah but uh but basically uh how like you didn't have uh any restraints yeah but like like evan my roommate who you know we did a podcast he hit his underwear yeah under his bed that but also his mom was also crazy like hippie dippy healthy lady and so and she was a stay-at-home

mom so he could never get a break from her and so he uh he would he told me dude he's so stupid we were watching the great british baking show last week which by the way kind of digging that it's week by week oh man it kind of upsets me i i enjoy it i definitely look forward to it but as soon as an episode ends i'm used to being like all right let's go because there's the next one not gonna lie i do not like staying out late and it's so nice just being out on a friday night knowing you're gonna be not gonna lie bro it's 905 and i'm like i gotta wrap it up. But do you know what I mean?

Like Friday night you want to chill. You don't want to go out, but you want to chill. But the worst part about ending an evening, like a good evening out, is trying to figure out what you're going to watch at night. And sometimes you'll take like 45 minutes. But with the Great British Baking Show, every Friday, boom. You know it's there. Don't have to. We just go straight to it. I agree. But it would be nice if you're like, let's there don't have to we just go straight to it i agree but it would

be nice if you're like let's do this for two to three hours you know as soon as it ends i i know but that's where you get gluttonous you gotta you get greedy yeah i know that's what i'm saying but i've been exposed to the other side now yeah come on come on come on but uh i was talking about something food evan oh so you guys are watching and it was this episode where they're making... Cakes. Where you whip eggs and sugar together. Oh, meringue. Meringue.

Yeah. So at one point, his mom would be out of the house because she had a part-time job when he was in high school or something. And he's god finally i can masturbate so he had a he knew when his mom would come home so he would have like an hour and a half or two hours and he was like dude do you know how many times i came home and i would make a meringue from scratch and just whiff it down and then clean all the pots and pans and dishes before my mom got home. A meringue? What a weird thing to make. And I was like, yeah, why? And he was like, because I never had any snacks around the house,

but my mom always had baking stuff, so all you need for that is eggs and confectioner's sugar. God damn. Yeah, and it's like that's what you turn your kids into. Right. And it's even fucking worse than that, dude. Yeah. Oh, go ahead.

Well, I was just going to say it's like they're in prison and they have to evolve you're like fuck it i'll just i'm gonna work with what i have i'm gonna make wine in the toilet i don't care but like i would love they got like a nanny cam you know they put those cameras in like bears or whatever it's like and she's like oh i wonder what he's doing while i go it's just him baking with like an apron on oh my son no he's making it so funny he just makes meringue eats it all which is probably so bad for you oh it's not great well i ate a whole i ate half a bag of granola uh on sunday night that's so much granola that's not that bad i mean it's a good amount of it's a lot of sugar but yeah one night yeah yeah yeah look at you you're like i'm bad

but uh i just i made eye contact with a little bit of gelato. I fucking had ice cream. It's okay. Buddy, you balance it out. Yeah, I ran six miles on Saturday morning. Uh-huh. Just to get to a donut, you piece of shit. Umar runs like, instead of a carrot on a stick, he's got a fucking eclair on there.

Yeah. Wait, what was I talking about? Evan. Oh, so Evan does that. on a stick he's got a fucking eclair yeah wait what was i talking about uh oh so it's so funny you say prison evan used to hide wonder bread marshmallow fluff and peanut butter under his bed and make these sandwiches all the couple loose cigarettes he's like god damn it's tough in here yeah like he's just sneaking moonshine. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God.

So he's just making his own little sweet treats when he can. Yeah. I did that when I was a baby. My mom said that I would hide food in my car seat. That's hilarious. She looked back and I was eating fries. She was like, where the fuck did he get fries? That's so tight.

And I think I hid food under my bed too, I think. But it was more so just like I just wanted close. That's the worst part about being a kid, not being able to get food when you wanted it oh yeah or needing them be like can you fucking yeah um the uh the but yeah so that's the thing is that you're if you raise your kid like that they're just gonna be starved for it you know like i had friends like that where it was like they only had caffeine free pepsi yeah and so as soon as we're out of the house, they're like, yeah, give me the fucking caffeine. And you want it more so than you would if it was just you around it all the time. Yeah, it drives you crazy.

Yeah. And then I think most people, well, I guess actually no, they don't. It's just most people. I was going to say most people when they grow up, they probably like learn to balance it out. But like most people just eat like shit. Yeah. Yeah. balance it out but like yeah people just eat like shit so yeah yeah um speaking of like you're

waiting for your parents to leave when you're younger and stuff um on friday i was with paul and uh we're at the moose house and we're playing music and uh there are a few other guys there ryan the owner and i'm blanking on the other owner's name but we were sitting around and we were talking about like, like, uh, like the internet back in the day. And I'm going to be like, I need to use the family computer and don't come in.

Or, you know, that like, Oh yeah. Or like getting in trouble for that type of stuff. Or like, I think somebody left something in the printer. Like they try to print.

Dude. Also printing out porn is so funny. I know. But so, uh, God, I'm blanking on his name, but other dude that's the owner he was like this is worse he's like my situation was like i like we were all around when the internet like first

became a thing yeah before that it was it was satellite like trying to get like the satellite channels and he's like my family had one of those like big ass satellites like early ones where you had to put it in your backyard like in the ground and it was like five feet wide. And so when you change the channel, the thing would move. But there, when they tried to watch the porn channel though, it would like,

they would know from like the way that it would move or something like that. That's great. Because it would go like so far to the right or something like i was internet work like that we know so not the internet so the satellite satellite tv satellite tv yeah yeah so like you know where it's bad it's like oh i want to watch the playboy channel or spice channel like i'm just picturing his dad pulling out of a driveway and then just looking in the rear view and you just immediately see the satellite. Just do like a hard 180. Damn, dude.

I had some. Yeah, some. Maybe that's why I like I'm so like like a fidget or not fidget, but like nervous. You're porn addiction. You know what I did? Dude, I had almost most of my m bait sessions growing up m bait okay all right no no you're right this is a christian show yeah christian dude sure most of my when you were tempted when you were tempted by the devil what am i uh matt m bait session most of them

growing up or me looking over my shoulder and And so many times, like my dad would come downstairs or somebody, you know, so you're like so worried because you have that family computer. It's in the den or whatever, your basement. It was a nightmare. You're looking over your shoulder all the time. I remember, yeah, my mom came into the office once and I pretended to be coughing so hard I needed to stand up. And it's like, oh, like she's like what are you like oh man i'm just really so but so bad but yeah also i mean i i was uh using like catalogs and stuff like uh like a clothing thing like a fashion thing would show up i remember looking

through one and being able to see a nipple through a sheer dress and i'm like whoa this is incredible yeah and now it's funny where you're just like like looking at porn like next page next page yeah it's all meme the other day it's like how indecisive am i and it was oh yeah the porn hub and it just said like page 400 that's so funny it's so crazy like next next're at that level. Next, next, next. Yeah, but that's a weird thing I think about now with kids because every kid has to go, dude, kids get phones at my schools when they're in fourth grade. Yeah, and you have access to anything. So you have access to everything.

But the technology, there must be an app design where you can know immediately when your kid is going on certain websites yeah so i think ramin has that on his kids phones it's something where basically like you can see everything that they're typing or something like that or some type some something where you can monitor like what they're using well at my schools uh like if the if a kid like uh google searches or like anything like the word suicide or rape or anything like murder like um they're like hey man you're pretty cool they'll get an alert at like north avenue or like the main hub of city schools like in the it department and they know uh which kid it was because each

kid has to use a unique id to log in damn so then they give us a paper so like last week we gotta pay the girl like looked up terms like suicide blah blah blah yeah five ways to die and uh um so then we have to go talk to her and it was i don't know she said it was like some video game related thing yeah but i don't know if i should be talking about this but you know she's fine in theory this happened in theory allegedly but i was like yeah there must be an app for kids whenever they search a word their parents get an alert sure must exist and so that must but i guess kids always find a way around shit yeah definitely or some type of app that like blocks it or something like that god could you imagine you're just like a kid but if i was a parent i would put that i would buy

my kids phones i would at i would do it myself at the apple store get them to download that or i would just put all that shit on my phone yeah and then i would repackage the phone like it's brand new brand new give it to my kids and i wouldn't ever let them know yeah yeah you never even if they're like why is my dad so fucking lame you're like hey what are you kids googling over there you guys nothing no you think okay but that would be so funny because like you never tell your kid and i think this like like like every time you see that your kid is like and if it's especially like at night and he's in his room and he's like looking at porn like you don't address it but you always just like hey uh what were we talking about yesterday you don't do that every single time give your kid a complex yeah yeah totally then they have a fetish

he's like oh fuck i'm about to finish ask me how my day was ask me what we were talking about the other day um yeah i i wonder if kids fuck with each other though like if they just if they're sitting next to each other and then you can just type some shit in oh you were googling yeah probably um my friend my friend rudy did that at uh at our library in uh in high school it had um at our library it had the little things you have at like target or whatever so you're stealing the little like uh what do you call this not turn style yeah yeah so it had that for books the things that no one pays attention to yeah yeah it's just like me i don't yeah and they're always like everyone just waves get the fuck out of the store you're stealing go you were so close yeah yeah but then it's funny because then like like when you are actually trying to

steal yeah uh you're i guess that's their thinking right it's like if we're actually gonna try to steal you'll never do the oh is it me that's what you gotta do maybe that you act accordingly you gotta act yeah if you conversely i used to do uh i used to do the opposite i remember just being a shithead kid when i was a teenager at best buy i i would always like just take my stuff and then put it like this and then just run out the door just because i always had the security there because you had the receipt yeah yeah it was already paid for just like oh fuck uh but rudy took him he would take a book the book was called coping with incest and he would put it in people's book bags when they didn't know it so they would go they would go to leave the library to be like bam bam but like hey hold

on they're like no i didn't take they're like okay well yeah maybe it's a accident can we just take a look in your book bag then you find the book coping with incest and they're like no i didn't take like it's okay oh my god you did this at college no high school oh my god your high school had censors that's crazy yeah yeah coping with incest because it's perfect because you just deny it as much as you want they're just like okay did your library have that book i don't know how rudy found it but he did he did probably like some weird self-help section i don't know hey man it it, but he did. He did. Probably in like some weird self-help section. I don't know.

Hey, man, it's the Eastern Shore. Stuff happens, you know? It's a great place. You know what I mean? Stuff happens. Yeah, dude, I went to a wedding on Saturday. Where did you go? You flew, right?

No, yeah, we flew to Rising Sun, Maryland. It was a 15-minute flight. Who got married? Our buddies angie and matt i was pretty big wedding a lot of people outside yeah risky it was a it was too cold it was cold it wasn't like you're like freezing but you're like i'm uncomfortable oh yeah and then trying to drink beer oh i was definitely i was definitely drinking beer and then once the band started the band was really good they were uh so angie and matt are both in bands and then matt's i think the cover band matt plays guitar in his band with the uh with the wedding band but they're an actual like epitaph band but they learn oh shit they learn 23 covers just for the wedding and they were awesome

it was so it was so fun but yeah as soon as that started i was like dude i'm not they better get have gotten paid a fuck ton 23 songs i think they had fun i think they're fun though like earth wind and fire and like stuff like that i mean now you just know it and you can throw it in your set yeah yeah exactly like a punk way yeah doing like prince and shit they even played the friends theme song wow that's cool it's like goofy stuff like that uh yeah band is risky move at a wedding yeah but i think uh i think since they're all friends and stuff and then angie got up at one point sang a song and then matt played drums it was really cool but it was just it was just so cold that i was like i'm not even much of a dancer but i was like i need to get out there just to fucking warm up yeah that sucks well it sounds like you had fun

it was a good time umar was a good time i told it told uh karen's parents about it like i was a wedding i was like it's a little cold and bob was like oh we were out last night we were up on the deck we weren't that cold and then joan goes well we had jackets he's like yeah and we had a fire going like what the hell yeah not exactly the same yeah but you know oh i should read this uh god i think i posted on my instagram but uh karen's dad bob sent us an email yeah and uh i said he sent it to me karen uh karen's brother neil his girlfriend emma and joan his wife and the email just said like the subject line was like i'm so sad like oh no like what happened and it just said um he's like i've never felt this devastated in my life i just there's a loss i haven't felt this i've felt not as bad when people in my life have died you're like what is happening what

his favorite dj quit he's like if it like totally sincere he's like i feel so lost without talia dj yeah dj to what uh music like some i think some channel on like serious or something like that but it was so funny oh like a host yeah like a literal dj wow yeah it is like yeah i don't know she quit but she left us with one more playlist and i just feel so hard bro do you think he know like he's trolling you guys no he i think he was deadly serious i mean he's not like so depressed i can't go on but i think he was genuinely bummed wow that's crazy he loves music man wow yeah that's so interesting that he thought felt the need to have to put that in an email an early one too because that sounds like something like an email like i would send my co-workers but i'm just fucking around i think there's i would say maybe like 15 to 20

fucking around but i think you know bob he loves music i think he's genuinely bummed out that's his favorite but i just love the idea because that would be so funny if he's just doing that to fuck with you guys or he just thinks it's funny to send it i think i think it's mostly him being bummed but he knows yeah yeah he's not like you know help me i'm so depressed i can't go on but he is like wow like him putting the line i felt less when people died it's so fucking funny i felt less when people have died holy shit i know right yeah i don't feel much when unless someone immediate to me dies it takes a lot for me to feel something oh yeah definitely definitely no but even people in like my peripheral life uh-huh if they die i'm still like oh that's a bummer but all right let's go through it i feel like i have to fake really fake it what if rahil dies

i'd be very bummed tears so i just he got back on instagram my brother yeah weird fellow gets it back on like one day he just was like i'm gonna work out gets pretty buff yeah i saw him at the gym at work he's looking pretty good he's pretty good and then um uh he bought a house just out of nowhere i didn't even know he was looking and i went to call him about ask him uh some questions because he's like smart with money and uh i was like would you do this that blah blah blah and he's like oh like the house i just i'm about to close on next week i'm like what the fuck i was like you're buying a house i was like he was like yeah i'm closing like next week i was like that's such a weird thing not to confide in your brother yeah well i guess we're not that

close right or yeah i don't know or it looks at it weird i mean i think he's definitely supportive of you he goes to like every gin and jokes right like uh no there's no bad blood i guess we're just not like super homies yeah but it's still like weird that's a mega thing that's like one of the biggest things you'll do in your life but you would think you'd mention it not just like you know if you're just like i don't know so do you think like the ravens are gonna be good and i'm like well i don't know i went to a game last week or you know like wouldn't you have mentioned that yeah true bro uh yeah it's just a thing to be like oh yeah i'm buying a house i'm gonna close next week like yeah so then he got back on Instagram yesterday.

And I peeped in his stories today. This motherfucker is skateboarding again. Does a kickflip, lands it. Really? Yeah. Damn. Crazy. You're more jealous of that than the house, I think.

I think so. Yeah. I mean, his house is pretty sweet. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure. Yeah. But two of his buddies moved in, too. So very interesting

move never has he had roommates 33 buys 32 buys a house has roommates but i guess that's fine he's like what else am i gonna do with this big ass house well also yeah once you get a mortgage you're like hey do you guys want to help i think he wants to like aggressively pay off his mortgage so he's probably gonna pay the full mortgage and take rent from them damn yeah woof damn that's good yeah smart very smart yeah i got an email so it was like josh congratulations on this milestone you have paid five percent of your mortgage and i'm like here we go it's so funny like uh i called my lender and i was like hey man why don't we just do a conventional like i have enough money to do a conventional. What's going on? So we talked about it and he's like,

well, the rate's not as good. And he was like, so it kind of evens out. I was like, yeah, but my mortgage insurance... Anyway, it's just so funny because that shit when you add it up... Everybody listening to the podcast is like, God damn it! I forgot why this came up.

Saving money. Raheel, good raheel good mortgage yeah who cares but oh paying off a mortgage yeah the rate okay but uh raheel like yeah i was just like damn this guy i didn't know he was skateboarding again yeah he's a a mystery this he is yeah yeah i'll uh i'll see him around the social security sometimes we'll chat a little bit yeah we'll chat now and again but not much growing up he would be like uh like i didn't know he wrote poetry and he won some poetry competition that his teacher uh submitted his poem in maybe he's just so his poem got published in something damn and then like he would be like and he didn't even submit it his teacher yeah his teacher's like this Wow. Yeah. Maybe he's just a very private person. I think he's like emotional but doesn't share it.

Like he's an emotional or like he's like a... Sensitive guy. Sensitive guy. Yeah. There you go. But you can be cool and be sensitive. No, yeah, for sure. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm just saying. Listen, some of my best friends are sensitive. Hey, well, come on. It's okay i got a lot of sensitive friends i should be playing sensitive guys on tv yeah more sensitive than me for sure yeah for sure but yeah the wedding was really cool nice um yeah it was uh it was it was very fun there was a bagpipe player there. Yeah. And everybody was just like, what the fuck? Were they invited to play bagpipes?

I mean, yeah. So we're all sitting there and I think we're... Always someone wears a kilt to a wedding. Yeah. Yeah. There's always that one asshole that has to be like, I'm Irish. Yeah. I'm like hella Irish.

But he's like, I'm the Notre Dame guy. Yeah, no, but we didn't know. I mean, because we were all sitting down and like waiting for dinner. Yeah. So this dude comes around playing bagpipes and like around the tent. There's like hundreds of people. And everybody's like, whoa. And you're like a little buzz.

You're like, sure, this is great, whatever. And then somebody's like, one more song. And he's like, whoa. And you're like a little buzz. You're like, sure, this is great, whatever. And then somebody's like, one more song. And he's like, okay. And then he starts. And it's, you know, bagpipe music. It all just sounds the same. So it's like he plays a thing, stops. Like, play another song.

And it just plays the same thing again. But for like a long time. But it turns out, so Angie and Matt had done this to their friends at their wedding. Yeah. So they hired a bagpipe player to like prank them at their wedding. And then the people were there. And so they were just pranking them back. So they paid for that guy to be there.

And then when he stopped, they were the ones who were like, one more song. And he's like, okay. So like they paid for him. And it was a while. It was like minutes. I bet the wedding planner is going insane. No, it was a while like it was like what no fuck so everybody's wedding planner is going insane no there it was very low key was that like a friend's farm so i mean everybody was just laughing angie was dying laughing so i remember uh my friend's wedding i officiated yeah when you officiate you're supposed to sign stuff at the end and then you have to take it to

the courthouse and uh i remember the wedding planner came and found me and uh let's say it's been a long night for uh officiant umar khan old umis was uh i was uh i was really uh uh uh feeling the spirit feeling the spirit sure yeah whiskey and uh so i remember she like was having me sign stuff And she's like, okay, so you got to take this courthouse. And you go to the second floor. And she just looked at me. She's like, I'm going to hold on. Yeah, you know what?

I'm going to do it. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. Okay, so you want me to throw this away at the courthouse? Yeah. Okay, yeah, I'll throw it away. Yeah, it was so funny.

She's like, you know what? You can just pick them up from Peter tomorrow. I was like, all right. I'll just email them that makes sense and then they forgot they had them and they're like hey did you ever take that shit and i was like dude and i don't even remember like what we who took what what was supposed to happen so yeah like they're like him in because it's like a time sensitive thing right something and they're like yeah you gotta take that stuff there and i was like i don't have it i don't know who has it like she said she gave it to you and i was like i don't have shit dude yeah i was like panicking i was like shit did they give it to me and i forgot yeah that would be horrible oh buddy

yeah that's a rough next day uh at the wedding there was some kid that was like a neighbor since it was like a friend of a friend it was just like somebody's farm yeah we were playing um uh cornhole and it was like this kid was like seven or eight maybe like came over it was one of those kids it was just once attention and he was like hit me hit me with the beanbag it's like nah dude you're being real weird you got to get out of here so my buddy john was like okay and so like we were like trying and he kept like moving and then i wasn't even really trying to hit him he was just standing in front of the board so i had to like throw it over rising sun maryland on like a farm and then uh i threw and then like we were kind of like ignoring the kid even though he's right there so then i go to throw mine and then the kid was looking at mine

and then john timed it perfectly and just tag this kid right in the nuts it was so great it's like i knocked him down it's 10 points right like no did he go down yo he went down was he crying no no he didn't go as funny yeah oh yeah no he was like literally he was like you're scared throw it happy like i don't know who you are how old i like eight nine two young ten i don't it was it are. How old? I'm like eight, nine. Too young. Ten. I don't know. It was weird. It was very weird. Very weird. But no, the wedding was very low key.

So I don't even know if there was like... So they had a friend of theirs be the officiant, but I don't know if there was like paperwork that was handed off. Man, I wonder how bummed like priests and pastors are because they're like losing so much officiant. Right. And they're like, I'm trying to look cool in front of these altar boys you know what i mean yeah yeah now it's like i'm not yeah i'm not in demand do you

think that they're like drinking the blood of christ they're like man i was the man back in the day you don't even know dude how many weddings i did all right yeah take your pants off will you don't tell anybody about this i used to be the man back in the day. Yeah. I feel like I never go to a wedding with an actual pastor. And if I do see an actual pastor, I'm like, ugh, gross. Yeah. Here we go. This is going to be boring. But, oh, this reminds me.

So somebody in my peripheral life died, but it was... You felt nothing. Well, I don't want to put this on the record. I think some of Karen's friends listen to this. Ironically, if they're listening now, I would just die. Yeah, super sweet guy. His name is Jack. Great dude.

So he lived in Fells. He died, I think, at age 49 or 50. He walked into work, had a heart attack, died on the spot. Damn. Damn. Crazy. Young dude. I don't think he was like unhealthy or out of shape. Maybe.

I think he was distanced from his family. So who knows? Like he might, you know. But 49, 50, that's young. My dad had a heart attack at work, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, my dad's had a heart attack at work you know yeah yeah and uh yeah my dad's had a had a couple

but apparently this guy is like so well known in like the fells just baltimore in general yeah so they had a memorial service for him uh at creative alliance yeah pat no like it was standing room only yeah and they had this that cool. That's like the ultimate... So cool. I remember hearing a song back in the day. It was a rap song. And they were like, my funeral is going to be packed. And I'm like, damn, what a cool brag.

Yeah. And they're... Yeah. So, free drinks. Oh. It was tight. Oh, everyone gets... Yo, the funeral was lit.

Bro, guess who catered it? Who? Dave Pasquale. Damn. When I tell you I ate and I shaved right before I went because I knew what I was in for. Well, you had to look good. I had to look good. It's a serious event.

So I got my shave on. Well, you get one free drink, but we got extras because Karen's friends planned it. So I'm sipping. Bro, free drink ticket gets me. That's also a weird flex at the funeral. You're like, hey, no, I get a little extra short rib. I am a friend. Oh, you guys are VIP, okay?

Oh, dude. Back of the line. Oh, look at these. They don't got a fast pass. Get back there. They're just eating muscles. Yeah. Take their passes. Oh oh i got another story

one time i did eat muscles at a few uh at a really i'll tell you that uh that one i'm a even bigger piece of shit so sure okay so uh yeah so we're at creative lines and like dude there's so many people there you're supposed to wear a name tag. You put your name and how you know him, and I'm like, I don't want to just say through Karen. Yeah. Karen was like, just write Fell's Point. So all these cool, just like some of the smartest, coolest people in Baltimore, like near Karen.

Karen's like 40s, 50s, whatever. Yeah, old people. Yeah, old people. I'm kidding. And she doesn't listen. Well, she doesn't know how to download a podcast she's too one time i asked her if one of her friends did listen because i remember she said she did yeah and i was like and she was like why i was like i just would maybe tell certain stories differently and she's like umar am i gonna start listening to your fucking podcast

no no no yeah well i mean if she wants to listen, maybe her grandkids could help her try to tell. But okay. So we're at the funeral. Go ahead. The memorial service. So everyone's walking in with drinks. We do like a toast. Hold on real quick.

I just want to say Karen, my Karen one time. She was like, when I was in North Carolina, she was like, I miss you so much. I'm listening to your podcast. I'm like, damn, baby. Wow. Damn. Wow. I'm so sorry that happened. I feel so like damn baby wow wow i'm so sad sorry that i feel so bad baby you know so bad the blues must have hit her real hard yeah exactly she's like i gotta

listen to this shit that's funny uh that should be like a quote that we put on like stickers um yeah so we all get drinks dude so my drink ticket i'm thinking like oh whatever if i get like a shitty beer or whatever. Yeah. Dude, one of the bartenders working there, I think she was like a local Highland Town person. So she's like a... Just like, you know, like white trash Baltimore old school people. Okay, okay, okay.

And she was pregnant. And she was like, what do you want? And I'm like, whiskey. She's like, what kind? I was like, bullet. And she was like, I was going to say that's my favorite and just pour me a huge thing of bullet. Nice. It was amazing.

So I had two of those. And you would think the memorial service would be so sad. Yeah. But all his friends are so creative, so cool. And this guy was just such a fun loving guy. Yeah. That like it was like, dude, it was like being at a comedy show. That's perfect it was hilarious it was like dude it was like being at a comedy show that's perfect and then it was like so everybody telling funny stories funny story

was so good one lady right even started real heavy but it was just the way she did it it was so good she got laughs and i was like oh she's like a professor or something like she's like a writer right because it was it was genuine but sweet but not like too and but what she did was just so powerful like she took this insane journey it was crazy yeah uh i know the uh there's two pastors who spoke they were so funny and uh yeah and it just made me think i was like man How like. So everyone told the story of like this guy. So his best friend went up first and he was like, we were living in like Maine and me and him were roommates for a while. And like, you know, we just ended up getting real like we just became brothers. And then I met a girl and I was getting married.

I was moving to Baltimore and I was like, hey, Jack, do you want to move to Baltimore? And on a whim, he's like, sure, fuck it. And never left. And I met all these cool people in Baltimore. Like, like people like everyone stories like he would just show up like he was just like so he was like really involved in a church community. And like so like and he would be a member of like seven different churches. He just loved helping people and people like like he was like, yeah, he was the first one to be at the hospital when my mom died he was the first one to get the hospital when i

got diagnosed with breast cancer and i was like and like he was just a goofy person like they showed pictures of all these crazy halloween costumes and stuff he would have like yeah he was just a silly cool oh like nice guy and i was like wow this guy is this guy lived right because the fact that all these people showed up at just your memorial service and that like it's not like they were just it was they're sad but they were just so happy to know somebody who was this amazing also it's like we're here to celebrate him yeah because like it's so rare that someone is this amazing yeah so it was just like it was nuts i was like fuck i gotta like change i almost bailed on my girlfriend

to do that she planned almost a year ahead of time but that's because they needed an extra person at the soup kitchen yeah just to do 15 minutes at a brewery show i was like it's a hundred dollars karen they were one person short at the soup kitchen oh sorry yes you had to get down there i had to get to the brewery at the soup kitchen and tell jokes yeah uh this ipa is not gonna craft itself yeah i'm a man of the people yeah why are you looking so pale all right yeah heffa weisen umar is uh he's a india pale ale yes that's a good one got him got him uh ipa yeah so that was that funeral and then like i went home karen went out and her their friends they just went out and kept drinking afterwards crazy cool night because they all worked at a

restaurant together and that's how they met him so they all went to that restaurant and fells afterwards oh that's cool so cool yeah it's really nice to see something like that like i remember at uh dylan's funeral everybody was telling stories it was really funny yeah you know it was like heavy but at the same time it was like yeah let's celebrate it let's not make it this bummer thing yeah i was like man i i don't even want to know what it's gonna be like when i die you know yeah no i mean that's really great to to like die and then everybody's like all right let's have a party but like in the best way of like celebrate not versus like fuck yeah he's dead i heard of this american life episode or or maybe a reply all which is an amazing podcast but it was

like this uh this kid who fell in a coma for so long that people were acting as if he died. So they would go to his Facebook wall and just write what he meant to them and all this stuff. And then when he got out of it, he got to go through thousands of messages from people over his life that he had met. Damn, do you think we should fake a you think we should probably fake a sick and i was just like so like and i was like i can't be the only one who's kind of jealous of this kid that's what i'm saying we gotta we gotta fake a sickness yeah because we were vaping and podcasting and it made this deadly like man that kid that is that's something special oh yeah i mean and that you have that too it's not just like an instagram post somebody took the time to write like a heartfelt email yeah dude being

of the memorial service really fuck with me because i was just like what am i doing like what am i like i just feel like like stand up like when you pursue it and so and you do it so much it makes it makes you weird it well you have to be self-centered yeah like you're really you're only thinking about like how a situation is going to benefit you in a way or how exactly you're always doing for a bit or like okay i'm here at this thing i'll do that too or that's why yeah i was like i'll go see hustlers whatever i like seeing a movie then i was like maybe i'll get a bit out of it like that's such a weird way to like take in life yeah because you're not in the moment.

Because you're always like, okay, what's the angle on this thing? And I'm always looking for stuff. And Karen has called me out a bunch. She's like, you know, when you're with my friends, you barely make eye contact. And you... Good on her for calling you out, though. Yeah. She's like, hey, what the fuck?

You're always just staying around the room. And you're like, people will say something. You're just like, yeah, huh, huh. And then you're like people will say something you're just like yeah and then you just like and i'm like i i don't know what's going on i'm not doing it yeah but i'm always just like in my head i'm thinking i mean she is right that it's like if you made an effort to be present you could do it yeah and i'm not totally blaming stand-up obviously like i'm insane and adhd well yeah i mean it's it's a mix of things it's not like it's like just because i do open mics but your brain does get geared that way you do yeah like every little thing and then friends get mad at you because they'll they'll like you're like yeah you talking

about something talk about something that they we talk about or like maybe it was them and you know might be a little sensitive yeah and that's happened to me like i've you know sure saying shit on this podcast and then you're like what the fuck am i and i went to that guy's thing i was like man that guy is like whatever he did he just seemed so happy so content and i think um it's got kind of something i've been thinking about too is that you it gets twisted of what you're aiming for yeah i think that we're aiming for attention and recognition and approval in a kind of like weird way that got like perverted along the way because you're like hey i do this thing they're like yeah it was a good guy but like this guy is not looking for attention he's like no i just do these things i like helping out the church i like

helping these people and what he got out of it was probably so much fulfillment and we're looking for fulfillment in a weird way of just like huh yeah and it's like well what was their great deed it's like they drove to the arlington draft house through traffic on a friday you know yeah but sometimes i think because i know those kind of people who a lot of times you think it's people who are doing that that are like because there's something about them that's like there's got to be a hole in them right well may maybe but even if it does that's how crazy self-centered i am no one could possibly want to do that my god are you kidding the first at the

hospital i doubt it what yo why because he wanted to instagram about dude i went and did not even shows just two mics when my dad was getting a stint put in his heart yeah and i even i what you know i told my mom like my mom's like what are you doing times like i'm gonna go do these shows and she's and i was like do you want me to be there i'll be there and yeah no it's fine but my brother and i just felt like such a piece of shit. Yeah. For not being there.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, you got to make time for that stuff. Yeah. But I don't know. Maybe that was your weird way of coping with the situation. Probably. I hate that kind of shit. Yeah. So it sounds like you're like, I got to do something else.

Yeah. Yeah. But no, I think even if it's like, say, even if it comes from him being like, it feels good, like selfishly, but it's the result of it is still the same. You're still doing that work. Yeah. You know? Yeah, it's a weird thing.

So I did on Friday, I opened those shows for the Daily Show writers. Oh, yeah. You said they were good? Yeah, they were good. Who are their comedians? It was Cat Radley, Matt Coff, David Angelo and joseph opio those four dudes that are and cat obviously uh who's a writer for the show but the matt has been there for i think he said seven years i think is what he said that's gonna be a tough or maybe it's five

years he's like basically i got hired when john had two years left and then trevor came in wow so he got to like be there with john and trevor cool but uh well i mean yeah but it's the same thing we talk about it's like you know you try to get to that thing of just like yeah holy shit like being a daily show writer is like huge it's like way up there on the mountain of like showbiz and comedy and like real feet to get there and then they're also it's the same shit where they're just like dude i'm fucking exhausted or like you know i hate comedy you know and they weren't like bitter but it's like it just becomes a job too yep it's a job and then i'm sure it's hard where you're like well i put my

whole life into this thing and like what if it's all like kind of self-centered and you know but uh yeah it's it's it's standup's a weird endeavor, for sure. I think anything where you're pursuing any artistic endeavors, it's a similar person. Musicians, actors, artists, they're all cut from the same-ish cloth. There's probably looking for that attention a little bit group yeah that you can pick out that are like shitty qualities but yeah for the most part under that general bell it's like yeah you're living a life

that is all you're thinking about all the time is like how can i get my name out there how can i get more followers yeah i make more money off merch or whatever very shandling uh documentary there's a part of it where it's him on the larry sanders show in between takes and he's like ah jesus and when does it end i'm gonna be a comic what the fuck does that mean means if i don't think a stupid shit it's like if i don't think a stupid shit to fucking say i don't have any self-value or whatever and you're like god it's like 10 seconds and he just wraps up what it means to be a comic and said like holy shit i know it's crazy yeah because yeah it's weird it's like yeah i don't know if i don't come up with more like jokes that make fun of people like what am i even worth yeah but then it gets even uh like it's been more difficult because i have all these jokes that like i really like

i've never liked some of these jokes before like i feel like i'm getting way better at comedy awesome i think like just doing it for nine years you like yeah i do this level of comfort on stage yeah that i haven't had before but yeah it's just like what i'm doing is so hit or miss it's so annoying it's like fuck it's like like uh um which means like i gotta change something and i just don't know what's going on i'm like these jokes i love these jokes right i love these jokes right they're funny and i just don't understand like the reaction it's like sometimes it's like you know like you'll kill and then but like sometimes it's so inconsistent and it's just like oh that's another part about comedy you're just like oh yeah god you're just like killing yourself like constantly searching for

yourself yeah even one early show you love yourself late show you hate yourself it's insane it's the same thing yeah yeah yeah just just a different crowd and they're like no no but yeah and then it comes down to like delivery and all kinds of shit too so many different things but yeah and also i mean it is hard work and it is nice when it goes well to have that hard work pays off like have that pay off you know yeah there's something definitely satisfying about that but yeah i was listening to Sam Murill on Bert's podcast. And he said, what did he say? He was like, yeah, I haven't been writing much.

I've just been like happy. And he's like, I hate it. I was like, dude, that's exactly how I feel. Yeah, same. Like there was a night this past weekend. The last two weekends has happened. I really wanted to go see. I wanted to go watch like these comics

at mcgoobies mike vecchione was there this past weekend he's great he's so good he's so good and then really nice guy too uh the weekend before tony woods was there yeah and i would i've never seen tony woods do a headlining set in the club me either and i really well not at a club but yeah yeah and i really wanted to see it yeah so then like you know saturday you're just chilling you're having fun you're like fuck am i gonna leave to go watch a comedian like by myself yeah and then so then i just i was like nah fucking yeah i'm having fun with and then this saturday i like i listen to all these like all i'm like but even though i'm not doing as much comedy as i'm still listening to comedy podcasts and i listened to this one with this comic i work with recently at hunt uh-huh just talk about like you know

how you gotta keep working working working and like if a crowd's bad like like there's no such thing as a bad crowd like you have to bring that energy and i'm like fuck all right i gotta go do shows i gotta immerse myself in comedy yeah so i'm like fuck it i'm seeing vicky on tonight late show no matter what and then karen and i go to see her friend's band play uh-huh and uh at uh holy for holies they had a pinball tournament dude so all downstairs it's 10 bucks all you can play for free pinball fun and then upstairs in that room where we did comedy years ago, lined each side with pinball machines because they had a tournament. And those were all free. And they had bands up there. Awesome.

And so it was just so fun. That's killer. I love pinball. 1030 came around. Or 940, 930 came around. And you're like, we gots to get to going. And I was like, all right, I got to go. And I'm like, ah, fuck it.

No, I'm not. I'm having so much fun. Why am I going to stop this? I think that shit's more important. Yeah, same. I think you're right and then karen sent me a text afterwards she's like hey it was thanks for hanging out it was cool you came to see that band and like yeah thanks for like paying attention to my friends experiences are more important and i think i think you were just at a different level too where it would be cool if you had nothing else going on like we're fortunate that we can do that yeah you know but true to go out of your way to be like man i'm having the best time but i gotta go

to this thing by myself yeah then i went home and ate some fucking granola dude it was tight that's what's up yeah that's what's up fuck i was gonna say something about that i forget yeah uh mike mike becky on though super super nice guy. Oh, I was going to say, but I was on like the vein of it, like still being like a lot of fun. Cause same thing when you have like a good show, you're like, yes,

this is fucking great. That's how it was on Friday. Everybody was like cool hanging out. The dude, David Angelo and I talked a little bit. He was like a little bit of like standoff, not standoff, but like just a little bit of a dick.

You know, it's like very opinionated. He's like the food here is trash. Like, yeah, but it's free. I'm still going to get it. Also, you're on the road, bro. What do you expect? This isn't New York City. This isn't, you know.

Yeah. Well, it's funny. You're at a movie theater doing comedy. Well, yeah. He was like, he's like for like what D.Cc is like the food just sucks in dc and like well you're in arlington yeah dc definitely has michelin rated star places but again yeah you're in a movie theater the place has popcorn you say that to him i was like well it's arlington he's like yeah but still okay what what what do you mean yeah but still yeah it's not dc yeah it's a

fucking yeah that's it it's yeah again it wasn't even yeah but still dc and arlington are soco so different well he was he was like he was also saying uh oh whatever it was like he had a weird thing about how he doesn't like postmates because i was like well what are you using postmates because he ordered food from somewhere else to be delivered there which i'm like that's kind of a next level move like just take the burger or whatever you know yeah uh he ended up getting a salad from california pizza kitchen i'm like motherfucker like that's where we draw on the line on what he's like this place sucks i would love to get a salad from california pizza oh my god dude i remember i went to california pizza kitchen uh i thought it was really cool but then one day i was

there and uh i ordered some pizza like some barbecue pizza yeah and i saw this woman grab a barbie like just a a store-bought barbecue sauce uh-huh bottle and just squeeze it i was like what you don't make your own with them no way fuck it man of course because i was dumb i was young i thought it was like a fancy place i was like yeah i'm gonna go on a date here yeah would you like to go to cpk uh that's california pizza yeah uh but yeah we like he was uh he's like where are you from and i was saying baltimore and uh he's like i fucking loved cal ripken as a kid and i was like oh yeah the iron man he's like yeah i've just really loved it was like yeah dude he was the iron man he's like why oh yeah, the Iron Man. He's like, yeah, I've just really loved it. I was like, yeah, dude, he was the Iron Man. He's like, why do you keep saying he wasn't the Iron Man? He was the Iron Horse.

And I'm like, no, he wasn't. He wasn't the Iron Horse. Who said this? The same dude, David Angelo. He's like, his name was Iron Horse. I'm like, no, dude, look that shit up. And he looked it up. He's like, all right, no.

It was somebody else. Like Mickey Mantle was the Iron Horse. I'm like, I would have remembered. I remember seeing so many sure yeah there's cal ripken the iron horse i had a cal ripken iron man shirt everyone did yeah it said iron man everywhere he's like i'm pretty sure it was the iron horse and then and then uh weirdly enough the next day we were driving to the wedding and we passed a spot called the iron horse and i was like what the fuck damn so weird so funny uh but fuck

i was gonna say so oh yeah i'll just go out on uh yeah my last story um yeah i'm gonna end on this uh i i got the gig um the one of the comics on the show cat radley she texted me and i was like hey i got your name and like would you want to host these shows because they come through and so you just oh yeah yeah and and i was like yeah sure and so we had been texting a little bit like here and there um and what's her name cat cat with a k cat radley very funny very funny i think she has an album on itunes um but uh i was so on friday like right when i got to the gig, I went to text Karen.

I was like, Hey, love you. Hope you had a good class. She was taking a bar class and there was no response. And like a few minutes went by and I was like, Oh, that's weird.

Maybe she's still like in the class. And then I went to the bathroom to go pee and I was checking my phone and I went to text Karen and her name wasn't at the top. And I was like, what the fuck? I just the top and i was like what the fuck i just texted and i was like oh i texted cat and she responded she's like wow i haven't known you that long i really appreciate it thank you it's a little much another like texting the person on the show that's so uncomfortable i was like hey i love you that guy didn't say anything grosser than that oh yeah yeah exactly

hey sorry uh sorry it wasn't good but we'll do it again tomorrow i promise i would like it would be so funny if like my karen is having like a work-related text exchange with somebody because sometimes she'll just randomly send me the text like she's like i'm fat could you imagine like you're doing a professional thing and you're just like yeah 10 minutes later like i'm fat and then because not like he would just be confused and then you have to explain that you meant to send that to your boyfriend yeah still makes you sound crazy right like i'm farting a lot like i'm sorry yeah she's like i'm gas yeah boy am i yeah carol do that too you like you have to jump off the bridge keep farting i'd be like ah what are you gonna do we all fart you know god i would love

for that to happen what are you gonna what are you gonna do yeah it's like no sorry i meant to text my boyfriend it's not even like sexy it's just like god damn i have diarrhea like wait why all right let's go out on let's go out on the on the high diarrhea note uh let's see here what is uh dates uh i will be at the dc improv on the 17th in the lounge for Tim Miller's show. It's like a crowd work show. Nice. So I'm looking forward to that. It should be fun. Then the 24th is Speechless at the DC Draft House at 7 p.m. And what else?

I'll be at the Church of Satire on November 1st and November 2nd. Going to try to record those shows. Should be a lot of fun. Nice. Oh, and my band's playing october 23rd uh at uh joe squared we'll see here in baltimore yeah we'll see we'll see it's on the books for now might be our last show check it out um all right my dates uh october 16th i will not be doing a brewery show. Did that ever follow?

Nah, it didn't hit me. You white guy. That's the problem. Sorry, man. I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was born white. And then I had a show October 19th that you gave me.

I don't know what happened with that. So Josh, do they listen to this? No. I do remember plugging it last week and maybe the way i plugged it i was like ah it's some show whatever oh i don't know i mean if they listen to it then they should know anyway i was gonna host some improv shows like a hundred bucks yeah and which is cool that's great money great money whatever it's like an hour and a half of your life yeah and uh so josh was offered the show

he and they're very funny improvisers too he passed it off to me i was like wow thanks for giving me a hundred bucks yeah no problem then uh i was like yeah i'm down and then randomly i just get an email like hey umar like we realize like this is probably not an important show to you it's just another gig oh no like and we really are we're gonna go in a different direction with this and it's like okay oh no and then i thought i was like they must have looked up some of my clips and been like this guy is i don't think they listen to the podcast yeah but they probably were just like we don't want this kind of jokes at this event weird maybe i can't think or maybe they just really are worried about attendance and

they know that i'm not gonna promote it hmm yeah like i don't know get people and i'm not gonna get people i'm not gonna i don't know what that show is yeah it's suck i mean i'm sure i'm sure it's gonna be good yeah i mean they're all really good improvisers but anyway and then i got a show offered to me for 100 bucks that i couldn't do yeah hey yeah it was nice it was they weren't looking for a white guy we're not they're like i can't oh my hey yeah it was nice it was they weren't looking for a white guy we're not they're like i can't oh my god more discriminated this is why i'm gonna become the joker yeah it was so funny because right after i bailed i was like yeah i can get you a killer dude and uh he's like yeah nice he's like also would you happen to know any funny girls in the area

like oh any women of color because i had already told you i would have not told you yeah yeah yeah yeah i felt bad he responded shit no it's all good but anyway so october 23rd i'm back at brouhaha just doing a spot i was like if i'm not getting paid then yeah doing 30 minutes after eight comics uh uh the 24th i'm opening for gilbert godfrey at magoobs yeah 25th 26 i'm opening for steve-o at magoobs steve-o sweetheart sweet yeah bummed you're not gonna be able to come to uh to my birthday i know my birthday but i i knew it yeah i was on the book i will uh text you after maybe if you're still out yeah we'll november 6th i'm at uh martin amini's overachievers at the improv with chris allen and mark norman dude wow show that's gonna be awesome so pumped

that's gonna be really good so pumped martin norman and a dj on stage wow yeah i'm very curious to see what that goes like yeah Yeah. I think it'll go well. We'll see. Let me ask you this. Do you think the DC improv can be a black room? Yes. I think so too. Yeah.

That dude, David Angelo, is like, I want to do a black room in DC. And I was like, I don't know if I know any black clubs, but I was like, DC improv. He's like, that is so white. I was like, how does Earthquake sell is so white i was like how does earthquake sell out nine shows in three days how does uh who else is d-ray davis yeah miss pat sells out nine shows bruce bruce sells out and it's not just like selling out not like nine is not normal to do like three shows on a sunday three on a saturday three on a friday is fucking crazy you say that to him yeah what did he say he's like i don't know i was like dude it's a hundred percent god you suck i liked him it was

one of those people where it's like you're like man you're kind of an asshole but you're all right you're all right yeah so that show dude i'm so pumped that's gonna be tight that's gonna be very that's interesting i gotta kill on that show. Yeah, you will. I mean, what are you doing? 10 minutes? Yeah. Yeah, at least like five of that will be fine. We'll see. I'm struggling. I don't even know.

I'm like, sometimes I want to get rid of these jokes that I've been doing for a couple years now. Yeah. Or, yeah, maybe two. No, one. I think I wrote them right before my special, but I'm like, I want to get rid of these for good. Yeah. And I have the time, but the jokes, they're just so inconsistent. So we'll see.

Yeah. I mean, you'll be good. I'm sure you're going to obsessively do spots. Plus, you have these club things. Yeah. That's like, that'll be good. True. And then November 7th, Jinn and Jokes.

All right. Hey now. All right. Thank you guys for listening. And yeah, find us on social media and all that shit, at Josh Kuderna and on the other stuff. And I think Umar's stuff is at Kevin Hart for real. So check it out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Take care.