The Digression Sessions - Ep. 301 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar fight through recorder problems to talk relentless ADT salesman, Philly, and some other stuff! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

TAGE NETWORK That's a Gotti We're talking for what? Almost Half an hour Half an hour at least And yeah, Shit got fucked up The God damn it

The table bumped the charger I did everything right We're ready Are we clear? We're clear We are clear How close is the table to it? I'd say you got about

Half an inch or an Umar's dick And I think we're okay I think we're okay Alright I don't even remember what you were in philly you're seeing a show yeah i was in philly seeing a show saw cat and pat they were funny i was vindicated that pat sounds like a gay guy karen said no he doesn't we get to the show he does a bit making fun of how he sounds like a gay guy and he definitely does but the bit was very

very well just the story was funny. It was just him being like, this is how I sound. I was on the Comedy Central Instagram account. And since I'm a psycho, I looked at all the comments for like about my set. And they were all just like, fucking gay guy is not funny. Gay people suck. Fucking gay guy sucks. And then somebody was like, hey, stop it.

Gay people are funny. Just because this gay guy is not funny doesn't mean stop it gay people are funny just because this gay guy's not funny doesn't mean that all gay people that's awesome that's a great bit yeah it was good yeah and then uh yeah cats uh her song's really good the piano player crushes holy shit uh but yeah philly was cool man we we stayed in fishtown and great place and yeah it's weird it's like if like annapolis and williamsburg had a baby because like the streets are so tiny like people just park on the fucking curb and shit they do that in some places yeah it was uh it was weird it was like industrial wasteland shitty house incredible apartment building like super modern yeah it was very uh uh up and coming as

they say i think it's a right i think the real estate there is through the roof has to be because there's a ton it's so weird though it's like wasteland wasteland beautiful building going up and there's and if you can tell it's all led by big developers because even though like they go for that industrial look it's like very nice. It's very nice. Yeah. Yeah, Philly's a cool town, man. It was funny, though. Where we stayed, there was construction across the street, which was not advertised in the Airbnb.

Do you have a little comment? Nah, I should have, though. Nah, you can't. Yeah, I'm like, I'm not that petty. But it was annoying. It was like, well, there's construction, but surely they won't do it at 730 in the morning on Sunday. Yeah, they will. And yeah, they did.

On a Sunday? 730 in the morning. Does no one respect God anymore? Exactly. Yeah. Go to church. Dude, how about this? Speaking of like comments and stuff.

Break it down. I felt like Jay Leno for a second. You seen this? You heard about this? You seen this? This comment. How you doing, folks? I like when he would hold up newspaper clippings with funny things.

It's so weird to think about now that that was on. It's just weird that that was a late night segment. And not only was it just a segment, it would crush. I loved it of course yeah i loved i fucking love when you would hold up like a a newspaper clipping with just a typo yeah it's like uh folks is supposed to say lost cat says lost crap look at folks can you get it and then you'd have like the card and like what's this what's a black guy's drug the oh the guitar player yeah oh fuck like god you like, did you lose any crap lately?

Yeah. How about this? Is this Kevin? Kevin Eubanks. Yeah. Kevin, was this your ad? Is this your ad? Everybody's like,

you go, Jay! Okay, and then he always is like, and he always pretends like they're dumb. Yeah. Where, you know, where he just thinks like, oh, this one. He'll look at it,

he's like, so he'll shake his head like this, and he just throws on that little wood slab. Yeah, here we go, folks. Every time. Here we go, folks. Every time. Here we go. Gets me. Here we go.

Jaywalking where you just realize how stupid Americans are. Like don't have them. That is like just taking advantage of just dumb tourists. I know. He's like, who's the president? Oh, that's pretty good. Look at the camera. I was like, dude, but they would ask questions like people couldn't name who the vice president

was. I'm like, dude, but they would ask questions like, people couldn't name who the vice president was? I'm like, God damn. They couldn't name, like Tony Blair was the prime minister at the time. They couldn't name that. Like Tony Bennett? I was a 15, 16-year-old high school student. I knew all that stuff, which is insane. Yeah.

Well, then there's the similar thing. Are you smarter than a fifth grader? I'm like man i do not remember a lot of that that is different because you're learning like these facts that you don't that don't ever serve you so you don't retain right and types of math and stuff like oh bro quadratic form of b i know the b is squared but also it's like what are these like they get these questions from like a fifth grader school for geniuses yeah exactly like i remember i was like yo ken island was not on this level also fifth grade why did they pick jeff foxworthy to host that show he

does not scream intellects to me well he's a millionaire okay oh there you go and uh you might be a redneck so there take that okay he had that bit did you do you have a bit like that well well he's a genius all right yeah yeah so there i think jeff foxworth is actually kind of funny no he is funny but yeah but it's just like uh and whatever it's just maybe it's like i guess because it's like you might be a redneck and it's like you might be stupid i I don't know what the connection is. Yeah, it really just looked like people who would shop at Walmart. Yeah.

Like got thrown on stage. Like they walked into a Walmart and straight onto a stage. Yeah. They're like, what? Do you think that, because you know how like Ellen got in trouble for hanging out with George Bush? Yeah, which I thought was lame. Could we see Jeff Foxworthy hang out with Michelle Obama or something? I think I could.

Just chopping it up? Yeah. What if he got in trouble? Like, you don't fucking hang out with her? Ellen got in a lot of trouble. Yeah, I think she handled it well. Yeah, I didn't see what she said. But I'm like, yeah, of course.

They're millionaire people. Like, I don't know. And that's what people don't get. It's like, bro, she's in a different world. Like, it's like a lot of like you know like super rich people like those they have they have to say certain things to maintain popularity yeah but in the end of the day it's like she's a super rich person yeah who's like she got invited into the skybox of the owner of the dallas cowboys who's a billionaire oil man yeah like that's already

that's a circle she's running yes yeah so like yeah it's not surprising she probably got invited too because of i didn't see what she said but i'm sure it's like jerry jones's associates wife is like i love ellen can she come yeah and then then they get the number of Ellen or their contact. Why would you accept that invite if you're not... Isn't it weird to... I think it is a little weird. It's weird. Unless she was a Cowboys fan or something,

or the team they were playing or something. Because she had to fly to Dallas just to see one game. Yeah, that is fucked up that she would have to take a private plane to... Yeah. She took a private jet. Yeah. Well, well that's one thing about celebrities like i remember like leonardo caprio like did some press conference about like how we need to save the environment but it's like yeah you flew on your private jet you live in a

fucking mansion yeah your carbon footprint is uh umar he drives a prius so i think that's what it was i think he was trying to sell priuses yeah and it works just like but you know like is it true in the green new deal there's something about like way less flying there's so much stuff in the green new deal green new deal like what i've seen so far is essentially it's like when you write like just everything like you're like okay this term paper needs to be 25 pages like you got it that was just like and then you need this and then you get no more cows and then also so i don't know i don't know what's in it but i'm sure there's something like that yeah but it is that is like the convenience comes at a high cost yeah and just to be able to like fly wherever you want whenever you want yeah that can't be good

it's so much fuel also they just dump fuel sometimes dude and then also like cruises just dump like shit into the waters all the time oh yeah and they're so just gnarly yeah well oh Charlie. Yeah. Well, oh, so I read an article today. Oh, hey. No, no, no. I read a title. Yeah. I was like, I'm not clicking this. I saw a tweet about an article. This is what I do.

I'll see like a controversial. I think this is what literally 80% of the population does. I very rarely read. If it's an editorial, I don't read it. Yeah. I don't care about people's opinions. Yeah. Like, I'll read, like, the main headline article.

Like, I'll read those. Yeah. And, but I'm not going to read, like, so this was an article. It was a post article and it said, do you tip even when you have received bad service? Here's why you should still tip 20%. 20%, yeah. No matter what. I saw that floating around, yeah.

Yeah, which I do agree with. Yeah. So then I'll always just read the first couple of comments. I'm like, let me find the smartest comment. That would be my opinion. But no, I was like yeah but or we should just pressure food places to just pay people a living wage yeah i think it should be both i think you should still tip and they should be making more than two dollars and 35 cents an hour or whatever the fuck it is they make a living like a living

wage what do you mean? Like servers? Yeah. Not always. No, I'm saying they should. Oh, I agree. I'm saying, but yeah, I'm saying you should do that too and then be able to tip if you want as well. What's the argument against it? It's just like they just work such few hours.

The argument against it is that like owners are like, well, I can't run my business like that if I have to pay everybody a living wage. That's the argument. Really? Yeah. Well, how do other businesses pay people living wages uh or like minimum wage because they like mcdonald's that's a big thing too is that they want people to make like 14 an hour and they're like oh it's like well that's gonna we're gonna lose three percent of our profits a year or they they try to turn it so they don't seem so selfish so like well now we're gonna have to charge more for stuff and it's like no you won't you're making millions and billions of dollars but a local restaurant will possibly yeah yeah so yeah no like food market they would probably charge more yeah i mean it's expensive but also really expensive yeah but also you might not have

to like when i worked at paper, we made $7 an hour. Oh, but you weren't a server, right? No, but we all got paid the same because we all pulled tips. So servers and cooks got tips. So you could leave with like $125 in cash. Oh, wow. In addition to your seven. Right.

Which like wasn't much at all. But a lot of servers make less than that like i think the minimum i remember being like two dollars and change so you would get a paycheck for zero dollars yeah like taxes and stuff but the people against it someone made a real good point for the argument that like for well tipping always 20 it's, well, you go to your job and some days you're off, but you still make the same paycheck. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, yeah, dude. I mean, come on. Yeah, you're like, you read that at work. Yeah, exactly. I'm like reading this at my job. You're right. And I'm like, no one who earns a salary can argue that. You're like rolling up a blunt.

You're like, that's true yeah damn he got me there he got me good yeah listen to blakewood 82 you right you right so yeah i was like man no one can argue with that that's what i think about too i'm just like yeah even if something also like what do they have to fucking do for you to get 20 it's like i don't know it should have been a lot more it's like even if the service is just good or the person is just nice they don't have to knock your socks off yeah to get 20 like give 20 and if you can't do that i think people just get so crazy and impatient around food like it is a bummer to maybe wait or something but like people feel entitled think about how much you fuck up food when you make it sure it's gonna happen or also

think about how much you fuck up at your job yes never a hundred percent or how much you like sometimes you have like you're in a bad mood you have a fucked up interaction with somebody yeah and and you feel bad about it right you know yeah it's it's uh it's really weird i mean sometimes people are fucking rude and we complain a lot about yeah bad service i still always tip 20 well that's why i want to have a program where everybody has to work for at least a year yeah in the service industry like you know how israel it's like you got to be in the military. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In America, if you had to work in the service industry. It would be like the worst. I'd be like, bro, you got to work at fucking Golden West. No.

You got to work at IHOP every Sunday across the church. Woo, busy, busy. IHOP is busy. I was just at an IHOP this morning. IHOP is crazy. It's always busy. Nuts. We went today on a Monday.

It was still fucking nuts. It's expensive as shit, dude. No way. Our meal was 20 bucks. Bro, I got. I guess if you go fancy. busy no we went today on a monday it was still fucking expensive as shit no way we spent our meal was 20 bucks bro i got oh i guess if you go fancy we didn't i didn't go fancy but i saw some of the prices i'm like who the fuck is paying this at iops oh dude so i got i got two pancakes uh four sausage four bacon two eggs hash browns and that was 9 $9.50. Oh, my God. So they're doing like an Addams Family thing, too, like promotion or whatever. And Wednesday is one of the Addams Family, so it was like Wednesday's pancakes.

And it was a pancake with like a little bit of like, I don't know. It was like sort of like a syrupy thing and then a giant purple thing in the middle. It looked like purple whipped cream. Oh, Halloween. Yeah. But it's also for the Addams Family. Like, I don't know, like black. I don't know.

Whatever. Yeah. But it's Halloween. Excuse me? You know. Sorry. The African-American Addams Family. Yeah.

They love Addams Family. Yeah. Anyway. But, you know, this, it was not whipped cream. It was icing. Oh. Like cake icing on a pancake. Disgusting. I was like, oh, my God. But, it was not whipped cream. It was icing. Oh. Like cake icing on a pancake. Disgusting.

I was like, oh my God. But that does sound, I mean. It was pretty good. Pancakes are cake. Yeah. And I was like, no, it works. It's just a lot of fucking icing. So yeah, it's got a little.

But yeah, it was $9. And with the coffee, I love that they put the thing on the table so you can just refill it as you want. Yeah. The coffee pot. Fuck. What were we talking about? oh yeah tipping but yeah dude 20 because i think most people don't understand they think the same way where they're like just food like who gives a shit like let's go it's like no they need money you know like it's it's a lot of work like people that snap at people or like rude to servers server a hundred works four thousand

percent harder than i work at my job oh definitely you know yeah on your feet all day and then dealing with people and then having to be nice like oh yes yeah just some more creamer sorry about that i was at a bar uh honestly i should go to this bar more 29 street tavern is amazing oh yeah i want to I want to go there. Oh, you've never been? It's just a regular bar. I went back in the day when it was something else. I was scared to go when it was that.

That was fun. That was very townie. Yeah, I don't like townie, but I don't feel comfortable. It was nice townie people. We played darts in there. It was fun. It was really fun. Yeah, so they still have darts there, but you have to play a specific specific time because

they're it's it's very like sit down yeah small they have a long bar and then sit down but it's just it's not pretentious at all it's just a fucking bar yeah bartender there i don't can't remember her name but she's friends with karen so she's always really nice so something come in nice and she was just saying she's like god man because she's been a bartender like she's a career bartender gotcha and she was telling me dude she was like yeah when i um she uh she bought a home up in hamilton like like she's like a three bedroom something blah blah blah you know you pay fucking nothing for yeah probably like 50 grand but she was like she was telling me when she's like yeah when, when I was younger, I was putting away $10,000 a summer

when I would go bartending. So that's another thing is that you can... So you're walking out with cash, but there's some type of safe harbor number that you say where it's enough where you don't alert the IRS and the IRS doesn't ask questions. So you can make... Let's say you walk out you walk out with 125, you say you made 20. Yeah.

And that's enough over the year where it's like, oh, you made this amount, that's fine. But if you lie and be like, I made zero dollars, the IRS is like, oh, word? So that's another thing is you're not really paying anything in taxes on cash. Yeah. Which is nice. That's nice. Yeah. So she was like, yeah, I was putting away i would work uh the outer banks in the summers and i would i would make wow no doubt she was like

i would put i was able to put 10 grand away every summer damn or make 10 grand but still yeah that's nuts from from like huge uh for like two months work or two and a half months work yeah like in a bartending cash right cash beach town yeah that's sick yeah and uh yeah and then so she was like so she bought the home and but anyway she was like yeah i've been doing this forever and she was uh so somebody ordered a burger and she's like god dude if the if the next time someone asked asks me what they can get on your burger, it's like, look where you are. It's just a fucking normal. It's just like lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, onions. It's like, that's it.

Right, right. All right. You're like, do you have avo? Yeah. Do you have an aioli? Yeah. It's like, you mean mayo? We have mayo.

Yeah. We have that. We went to a really cool this place called fet sow or fetty sow in philly it was a barbecue spot it was so good man we got brisket we got ribs we got big big beans mac and cheese and this broccoli thing damn dude it was awesome so we were sitting at the bar like speak of just like shitty people that bartenders have to deal with. We're sitting at the bar and there's plenty of room. So it's like we have enough elbow room and like it's a big open spot with tables.

Then there's a bar. We just sat at the bar because it was closer and we want to like take up a whole table. And then like this group comes in and they just saddle up like right next to me, like three chicks right around me. And they're doing the thing where we're like elbow to elbow at the bar. I'm yo you don't have to do this there's like tons of room here so they're like squeezing in and they're talking really loudly like yeah i was talking to brie and i was like brie you gotta get a job i'm like what is that it went from being like wow this is a really cool like kind of romance not like like over the top romantic but it was like yeah me and karen are out it's fun it's like a nice philly thing these girls like holy shit have you talked to brie and then

this dude that they were with he was like a total bro like stereotypical bro and the bartender had a shirt on that had tony soprano on it the guy's like bro i love that fucking shirt i love sopranos yes dude that's the number one That's my number one What's your number one show And he's like Yeah I would say that He's like number one For me

Sopranos Number two Wire You ever seen Wire And the guy's like Nah And he's like Bro it's fucking great

Tony Soprano Is a fucking legend And I'm like What is going on I love that the guy Has really good taste in TV Yeah Which is so

Yeah people who do that Are so weird yeah he's like donnie sabrano is a fucking legend dude that reminds me like like chill did you move you didn't move well we didn't have anywhere to go we were like it would be it would be awkward if we were like all right because we had a huge tray of food and our drinks and all that shit yeah we're almost done i was like yo let's just ride it out that would be the uh equivalent like uh moving is like it would just be like like a symbolic rolling your eyes in their face yeah exactly oh exactly it would be a fuck you for sure for sure i mean they're just trying to have fun well i think they

were just drunk too and just unaware but i just love the guy be like tony soprano's a fucking legend it's like he's not real i was looking at like people think he's a like i mean he's like a shit he's one of the worst people it's weird it might be one of the first first shows where the the protagonist was like an evil dude anti-hero yeah yeah they he might have started that that was that's the thing too with like the joker it's like so we're glorifying a bad guy it's like that's what a lot of tv is like mad men he's a shit everybody's a shit man he's just a sexist guy who cheats on his wife all the time yeah and like breaking bad shitty guy yeah like all there's so many shows that we watch where it's a bad guy.

You're not just like, wait a minute, but no. Friends. Yeah. No, but me, I'm like, yo, the Joker's a fucking legend. Yeah, bro. You like the Joker? That's who I want to be, a guy who ends up alone. That movie inspired me to end up alone.

That movie inspired me to get a mental illness and end up alone. It inspired me to be fucking poor and nuts. I saw The Joker. I got depressed because there's no mental illness in my family. I was like, bro, I want to be mentally ill. I'm going to give that all up just so I can emulate this movie. Is that what people think? It's really bad.

My friend sent me a thing where somebody posted speaking of an article where they they posted uh the article was like the joker was at the top of my list of movies to not see this year great but when i was offered the chance to review it i said yes and have i seen the movie no it's like why are you writing about it but it's also like you can't go into it with that you're gonna hate it yeah exactly sorry hold on umbc is calling no it's care no that'd be great actually hold on let me pause it forgot i forgot to get some almond milk that's current to stop and get some some vanilla no sugar almond milk what are we talking about? Joker.

Joker. Oh, I don't know why this reminded me of that, but something you said earlier reminded me. So I had an ADT guy come to my house today to give me an estimate. Oh, nice. Well, it's so weird. They called me to see if I wanted their services, i get like there's like a database of like people who buy homes yeah yeah and i was like yeah fucking come out they're like yeah it's a free

estimate we're just gonna wait until you start getting life insurance stuff yeah i know i love that i'm like they're like well who's gonna pay off the house if you're dead i'm like i don't know i'm dead yeah i don't care like really i don't know if they can hold anyone else accountable i it would probably go to your parents honestly i don't think so they didn't write they're not anything on my loan i have no idea i don't know how that shit works with like next to kin i mean it would go to your wife if you were married i think but wouldn't she be on have to be wouldn't she have to be on the house? You would think, but I'm sure there's some type of law.

That's so fucked up. Somebody's going to pay for it. But I'm like, I don't care. That's so fucked up. I don't care. Anyway, sorry. So ADT. Yeah, he came to my house and...

Oh, talk about like the guy saw Tony Soprano on his shirt. Yeah. So I'm just wearing like a gingham button down because I just got off work. Yeah. Okay. So this is ADT. It's, I know you have ADT.

Yeah. I'm going to bad mouth it a little bit. Okay. Well, there goes our sponsor. God damn it. So they called me and they were like, well, you know uh we got a promotion running out uh zero out of your pocket for any of the equipment we'll install for free and then you just paid 36 bucks a month i was like that sounds okay that's not bad not bad and it was like and most of it will give you

this like form you show it to your homeowner's insurance and they usually give you a discount right and i was like all right cool whatever i was like like yeah it's just an estimate they'll come out and if you don't want to do it get your hundred bucks back and i was like i don't want to give you a credit card number and they're like well you know it's just this is what we do blah blah blah and i was like i love that too like that's our policy yeah okay and i was like yeah i'm still not gonna give you my credit card number like well this is like a one-time deal. Oh, it wasn't the credit card number first. It was, I said, yeah, I'll call you back.

And he's like, well, here's the thing. If you call us back, I don't know why I sound like a Jewish person now. You tell me, Omar. You tell me. Oh, they make deals. Wow. Geez. Here's the deal.

I would love to, Boobie. I would love would love to but if you hang out it's out of my hands boobie i don't know what to do if you don't want to be protected that's your fault i mean that's okay that's all right good luck sorry deborah wiener um that should be our new sign off yeah we should get her to do one first sorry deborah wiener so yeah he's like well if you uh yeah the thing is i don't know if you call back we can't offer this deal again and i was like i'm fine with that because they want my business there's of course they're just saying it's a tactic i would say it's also gross that they're doing that yes it's so funny but people fall for it all the time but yeah that's like offensive to be like all right i mean but

you know we can and we're not gonna it's like well then i don't i didn't have it anyway you called me so then he was like all right um okay let me see what i can do for you and i was like all right so then some other guy gets on the phone he's like hey uh i'm a super like blah blah blah and he has like real country thick accent like or like that country but like you know like glenn like just just southern trashy like hey how you doing man listen oh where you living i was like baltimore's like oh yeah we do a lot out there we do a lot now listen i was in shul i'm i'm a rabbi i'll be honest with you and let me tell you something man when i was on the ranch praying to Yahweh.

Listen, I believe in God. Absolutely. But you need a little protection. You know what I'm saying? Oi, Bobby. He was like, so, Umar, let me ask you. He was like, oh, I can't do it. He was like, let me ask you a question.

Now, if I'm outside your house with a baseball bat, how many windows do you have that I can get through? And I'm like, I don't know, dude. I have a lot. Because I do. I have so many windows. So do you. Like, we have any windows. Be funny to fuckers. Be like, I have 95 windows.

All right, I'll walk up to one of your 95 windows. And I asked Moses to park them for me. You know what I'm saying, Moses? Moses had a bat. He could have parted the Red Sea that way. Let's say I had a dreidel with a bunch of numbers on it, and I numbered your windows, and I spun that dreidel. All right, now let's say I circumcised your door.

I cut a chunk off of your door, and I spun that dreidel. All right, now let's say I circumcise your door. I cut a chunk off of your door, and I get into the house. You know, you say rab-bye-bye to all your belongings. Rab-goodbye. I'm just trying to think of geo-stereotypes. Good luck. There aren't any. And I'm like, yeah, whatever. So he's like, like all right here's what

i can do i can uh you know i can do more stuff that the last guy you're talking to can't so i'm gonna throw extra thousand dollars on that equipment thing i hate that too and right when you do that then you know this is all bullshit well you know it's bullshit from the beginning but that just because that's also a part of it it's like okay now we send it up the line yes and we know that's a part of it too it's like buying a car sitting next to him yeah exactly and it's also like buying a car it's like i could talk to my manager the manager's like yeah fucking yeah of course yeah yeah so i was like all right so i gave my credit card and then i was sitting at work today. And I was staying after because I missed Friday. I called out.

Yeah. And then Thursday, I had to go to a crisis. So I wasn't at my normal school. And which off the mic, I got a story for you. No, I think I might have told you that story. Maybe. I don't know. You really don't tell me the stories of your...

You're right. I never talk about my work you know yeah i don't use names so we don't really gonna do uh yeah so i don't recall learning a personal fact about any of the so i'm sitting at my job and uh i'm typing away and i get this call it's an 800 number and usually I ignore it. But for some reason I just picked it up and it was like, Mr. Khan. I was like, yeah. Yeah. Like he was like, hey, so this ADT, there's a technician at your house, but no one's answering. I'm like, oh shit, dude, I'll be there in like 10 minutes.

Oh, wow. And, uh, but they told me they'd be there between three and six and they would, they never called me. Oh, okay. So I, uh, I, I took my time. I like wrapped up this report and and i was like i went there nowhere to be found call the people oh and he was just like i was apologizing he's like oh it's oh it's totally cool it's cool and like yeah it's just like man these people want my business so

bad hold on one second yeah all right so adt so he and then i was like man these people want my business so bad yeah he's like no wait, no, wait, I'll wait. No, no, no, it's cool, it's cool. Actually, I was going to trim your hedges if you want. Yeah. While I wait, I'm not doing nothing. Yeah. Maybe I'll find a nice lady for you to marry.

I don't know. I got a lot of time, Boobie. I could, I don't know. Oh, man. Got all those jokes out. No, I'm not cutting. No, man. Got all those jokes out. No, I'm not cutting. No, I'm kidding. This is like the best part of the pod.

Why is that? We always go there. So then the guy comes. He's really nice. But the first thing he says is so just like, I bet you they tell people to like, when you go in, slide with a comment or just about how nice how nice the house is no we're trying to make a connection so i'm just wearing a button down gingham shirt and the guy's like he's like oh man i got that same shirt nice shirt he's like same shirt same

skin color he was like a black guy i was like what oh wow weird is i bet you got a dick on you, dude. Oh, damn. Wow. That's a little circumcised. It's like, I love those jeans, but how do you fit that jackhammer in there? So immediately he starts talking like he's about to install a system. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. And I was like, dude, I was told that this is just an estimate. He's like, oh, well, yeah, but like, you know, we'll talk. And he's like oh well yeah but like you know we'll talk and uh

he's like well i'm ready to do it if you're ready you know that type of thing and he's like you know but like uh like uh but like you know i'll give you an estimate and i'm i'm ready to install and go and i was like all right man but and you i just felt his energy and i told him i was like i'm 100 sure yeah i'm not doing it today damn and his face his face changed. And he was just like, okay. But he still tried real hard to sell. So then he's like, you know what? That shirt sucks. All right.

And you know these people, they're not specialists. Like, this guy just fucking got hired. They gave him, like, two classes. He probably shadowed somebody. And I'm not saying that's bad. I'm not saying that's bad. I'm just saying it's like, he's not. I just, I'm not saying that's bad. I'm not saying that's bad. I'm just saying it's like he's not – I just – I'm not convinced. I'm a fucking school psychologist.

I'm not a bright person either, you know. I just have children's lives in my hand. So we're going around, and he's like – and then so then we get to the part where he's like, all right, so I'm going to show you how the system works. And I'm like, you don't need to do that. He's like, I'll just show you. So then he pulls out like a thing that would hang on your wall.

And he's like, all right, so you would press this, this. You get this key fob. You get that. You get this app. Yeah. The app is cool. I will say that. And I was like, look, man, I don't want to.

Look, I'm not going to do it. And he's like, what? And I was like, but then I was asking him questions, you know, because I was like, so what about this? What about that? And then so he's like, all right, so what do you think? And I'm like, no, I need to talk to my girlfriend first. Yeah. And he's like, oh, let's just call her now.

And I'm like. He's like, I have her tied up in the truck. I have her for ransom. If you ever want to see her again, let me put this fucking thing in your house. Yeah, he was like, let me just call her now. And I'm like, no, I'm good. And he was like, why don't you want to call her? I was like, this is something we should talk about first.

This is weird. Yeah, and I was like, I don't want to put her in that position. He's like, what, do you think this is like a, it's like, what, you think it's just three questions? The amount of pressure is insane. I will say, so the whole reason I got adt is because the house that i was in previously already had a system in it so i called adt to be like well what would it take to just reactivate it and they're like oh it's a very small fee so i was like okay great so same thing

i had a guy come out because they're like well we'd have to update your keypad thing or something like that yeah and i remember the guy i'd be like all right well i'll think about it and he's like i mean i wouldn't in this neighborhood i tell you same thing of like yeah we're here a lot and you know all right good luck and it's like bro don't do that that's gross and then i was like look and so he was like you can't use this and then uh and then i was like but i was like look man i wanted an estimate i'm gonna talk to my insurance company if they take off 30 bucks, then this is a no-brainer because I'm not... Then it's no money out of my pocket. It's negligible, yeah.

It's not even this manager. It's still manageable. No, no, no. Negligible, I'm saying. Oh, yes. Yeah. And so... And he just keeps going.

Then he calls his supervisor because it's really... Apparently, it just came off as it's really bad if you go to a home and don't make a deal and so he's like hey man i just want to let you know it's not happening and then he's like the supervisor and he's like well that's what i told him too and he's like he's like he was like can you get your girl on the phone i was like no man and then uh this is insane and he's like and he's like yeah yeah he's got like yeah like he's got he's got like 1400 worth of equipment we can put in it's all free and it's like man he's not going for it and he's like and and then he's like yeah yeah and then you look over and he's talking into a

banana he's like all right yeah he could die okay i don't give a fuck yeah and. And now this is funny to me. Yeah. Because it's like. This is so over the top. It's so over the top. Right. This guy needs to make a sale. Yeah. And his supervisor wants him to make a sale.

He's pissed, it sounds like. Yeah. And he's like, well, does he know this? And then they try to throw in more. And I'm like, I'm good. I'll be honest. I will rob the house next to you if you want. I'll take their stuff.

And I'm like, no. And he's like, what? And they keep going. And then finally, he hangs up with his supervisor. Then he just starts writing stuff down. He's like, look, do you know? Because then they gave me two different numbers. Because he was like, so this would be like $50 a month.

And I'm like, oh, I was told $36 on the phone. Yeah. He's like, well, with the app, it's $50. And I was like, oh, I don't want that app. That's also a classic move, too. Yeah. And he's like,'s like oh okay and then he thought like the 50 skates like you know this is 36 it doesn't have to be 50 i'm like yeah dude i'm not dumb i understand everything i got i get that it's 36 a month yeah he's like writing stuff down and um and i was like look if i want it yeah i'll call you guys i'll call you back in a sec he's like well this deal might not last

right on the phone with the supervisor he's like well the supervisor's like does he know that he might not this deal might not last if he walks away right now yeah and he and and he was like yeah he said he's cool he said he's willing to risk it that's why i was like i'm completely fine with it dude and then try that again he's like you know this like and i was like yeah dude look i know you probably make commission i can tell because you're pushing hard. You're hungry as fuck. I was like, just write your number down. Yeah.

I'll request you if I decide to go through it. He's like, well, they won't have. Oh, no. He said, I was like, dude, I'll just request you next time if I go through with it. He's like, well, they're not going to have me back out because they're going to be like, well, you didn't get the deal in the first time. So why are you going to do it the second time? This is so gross.

And I was like, I will request you i will write your number name and number down yeah i'll be like i want this guy to come like he's acting like it's certain death he's like i'll be dead they're gonna kill me all right so then he tried to call someone else and he's like so do you want your account non-active or cancel non-active means they still have my hundred dollar deposit cancel means they know but i told him i was like make it non-active means they still have my hundred dollar deposit cancel means they know but i told him i was like make it non-active because i will call my insurance but i'll but then i'm gonna cancel it because uh i was talking to evan he's like dude you have a pit bull in your house if someone comes in your house that's a huge deterrent huge yeah um and he was like just put some things

on your window that it beeps when people like hit them or try to open them from the outside um what we had at our old house they're not connected to anything and he's like and just get a fucking camera and you're fine yeah and he was like start integrating technology into your home because make it a smart home slowly and i was like yeah and that's what i told the guy too i was like look man i'm gonna shop around there's other ways to protect your home well there's yeah there's so many like ring is a thing and then there's another thing too that's like on all the podcasts too that seems pretty cheap yeah the reason so yeah so with adt so then when i moved here though they're like i called them to let them know i was moving and they're like oh okay well do you want to move stuff it's like well i don't know how much is there like oh you accrued all these

points there's like 80 t points and so it was free to install everything so it's like yeah i'll keep it rolling i think it's always free to install i think they lie oh i'm sure they i'm sure they do like so they were like so then the guy told me he's like if i leave this deal might not when you call back it's always gonna there's always gonna be some type and i almost said i was like bro look how hard you're pushing yeah i know this money will be here yeah you know what i feel is always going to be there i will say i like it's like if i look at a girl like if i leave now i'm never she's she knows i'm coming back you know what

i'm gonna call my roommate evan yeah no i tried to hook up no she says she doesn't want to hook up i know all right i guess I'm coming home alone. I like that you actually pulled out your phone. Does she not? Yeah, I commit to the bit. But I do like it. I like having the peace of mind of being able to check that shit, especially having, I don't know, TVs, musical equipment.

It's like, I don't mind paying for a little peace of mind. It's nice. And then he kept saying he saw a teenager, teenager a couple teenagers walk around and he was like oh it's kids around here i was like oh yeah there's a high school like a half a block up the street you don't kids these high school yeah he's like i saw a playground on the corner that's a nightmare i was like dude it's completely fine yeah but that was just like the it was like, dude, it's completely fine. Yeah. But that was just like the, it was like, man, this is so funny. That's the most aggressive hard sell I've ever heard. Like hard sell.

Yeah. And I was like, I'm not budging. I was like, bro, there's nothing you can say right now. And I told him that. Yeah. And then I started getting mad and I started cussing. I was like, dude, I don't give a fuck. Yeah.

I literally, I said, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. I don't care. I was like, look, I have homeowner's insurance, right? Yeah. And I was like, it covers everything. I i paid a little extra so it covers everything yeah and he was like wow but then something still happens i'm like who gives a fuck i get it back yeah this is me just throwing more money out a month that like i may never see a return on right right right

right yeah no i hear you i hear you i yeah i, yeah, it's like I like it just for having that peace of mind. But maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Because it's not too bad, but I do. It's not. Look into other things. Because you do have homeowner's insurance. What are the chances you're going to have a break in twice?

You know what I mean? Yeah. And like you live on a busy street, so. Right, right. True, true. But yeah, there is some undesirables that oh same i mean there's drug you lived on that block there's a lot of drug activity on your block now too oh are you kidding yeah all the time all the time all right i gotta get out of here all right guys

so yeah the uh our sponsor is adt i don't want to say that if you go to adt.com slash umar yeah get a one-time discount make Make sure you type slash Umar. All right, everybody. Yeah. Sorry the podcast is a little short this week. We'll try to get another one out soon. It might not be. We don't know yet.

Yeah. We might not. It might be just fine. Fuck what I said. I'm a fucking idiot, dude. I bought ADT. Who knows? Yeah.

Follow us on social media. We'll post about shows and all that stuff. Cool. And we love you guys. Thank you, Debra Wiener. Or no, we're sorry Debra Wiener. Sorry Debra Wiener and David Koechner. Take us out. Digression Sessions!

Coming to an end. Thank you.