The Digression Sessions - Ep. 303 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catching up on some wedding talk and hot gotcha questions! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. What's up? Hey now! Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Back in Umar's house here. Me, Josh Kaderna. There's some stuff in frames. Some stuff on the wall. It's house here. Me, Josh Kaderna. There's some stuff in frames.

Some stuff on the wall. It's coming together. It's coming. We got to put... We need curtains. Yeah. And... We already got the rods, though.

Got rods. There you go. You got some rods. Yeah. It's just we've been lazy. It's just like there's a lot lot like we moved in and we had all this stuff like karen has all this stuff and it was just like yeah literally like three it was three weeks of us moving her stuff slowly damn because she has lived she lived in her last house

for seven years yeah that's a long time that's yeah you just accumulate that's what i was gonna say that is one of the things where you're like oh it's nice to have a house i can spread out a little bit but you fill it up like even if you don't intend to i'm anti-filling up i am too but it just happens where it's like oh a trip to target or like oh we'll get this this seasonal thing or like and you're like god damn damn basement just fills up i hate and then then when you move you're like i should just be a minimalist i fucking hate this dude i am though i'm fucking i don't own shit nice nothing in the i have nothing in storage oh me either what do you mean like like a storage space no i mean like nothing in my in this house is something that i don't use it's like extra

there's nothing just sitting in my basement that I'm like, maybe I'll get to it. Yeah. If you don't use it, just get rid of it. Well, I think so. When Karen moved in, we had like a lot of doubles of kitchen stuff. And then it feels weird. We're like, I don't want to throw it away.

We put ours in the basement. Yeah. I'm saying that's that. But that's how like you start accumulating stuff is what I'm saying. You got me, bro. Yeah. See? Classic gotcha podcast is all right we'll be back uh next week and i'll have on sarah palin and i'll nail her ass to

the wall too bruh sarah palin what what do you think she's doing i she got divorced she did yeah oh no what happened uh she how do you know this when when was this a story uh okay fine fine i was fucking sarah palin jesus okay i get you and now you gotta get me you can't just chill you you're just like doing her doggy looking out the window staring at russia yeah i'm like well she say that well yeah yeah that was her foreign experience like so what is what is your uh international experience he's like i could see russia uh it's not far well she didn't so tina fey said that but yeah she said some shit like that essentially of like we're so close to russia and i would just you know i'd keep an eye on oh yeah uh-huh sure sure yeah i love i just imagine her looking through her like son's

telescope from her son drew he's like mom like, Mom, I'm trying to sleep. What the fuck are you doing? I'm doing my part to take care of America. No, no, Mr. Putin. Mom, I'm... Never mind. You know where I was going. Yeah, he would complain about that.

Ah, Mom. I can't think real well. Come on, Ma. I need my time alone. Give me that telescope. Only like 20 people remember. I don't even know if they know what we're getting at. Trigg, I think was his name.

Why do you know so much about the Palin family? I just remember who has a kid named Trigg. That's so weird. Some guy who really wants to say the n word he's like hey i can call him trig you can't yeah he's my son you can't say that what's up little trig that's trig please yeah he's like can we have cookies for dinner oh he played trick play it okay all right trick shit no i just remember that because it was like you know they're doing like the whole like we're just a folksy regular americans and this is our kids this is trig i'm like that's not a normal name that's when uh like uh uh that's first of

all that's when the daily show is amazing oh yeah yeah but yeah that's when like uh republicans were always talking about the real america yeah like where the fuck are we living like i'm not talking about the the elitists on the coast i always like that's real america i'm like what do you mean the ones with diabetes that shop at walmart yeah and also she lives in alaska like what are you talking about like that's the real mary yep she shoots moose from a helicopter you're like okay yeah i guess that's normal normal stuff yeah i always love that elite talk too they're like yeah these elites are like everybody on tv is making so much money like donald trump's a billionaire from new york he's like i'm so tired of these elites you've been richer you've been a millionaire your entire life what are you talking about oh you know they're not real guys like me

and you amore hey we're real dude sipping hard celtces i can't lie it might be the like best invention in the last 10 years you would take that over the uh ipod or ipod did not iphone came out 2008 motherfucker wow okay you just made the cut yeah just okay would you take the truly over the roomba no all right you're right okay i'm just got me hey you got me hey bro you coming me you're gonna get got all right i'll get you all right i'll fuck you up. Oh, my God. Well, yeah. How you been, dude? Good.

Just chilling. Karen's been out of town. Yeah. I didn't have any... When the cat's away, the mouse will play, huh? We did shows... What did I talk about on here? Who knows?

I don't think... I think we talked about shows, and then, yeah, you went to a wedding. Oh, I did Mark Norman. Yeah. Kidding jokes, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you had your cousin's wedding. Oh, I did Mark Norman, Jen and Jokes, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you had your cousin's wedding. Oh, I didn't talk about the wedding. Yeah. So to recap, my cousin got divorced.

Man, I really hope no one. What a wedding. I think people are going to. We don't have to talk about it. Oh, I'm going to talk about it. It was a good story. Wow. I'll tell you some stuff. She's in her car. damn umar got me yeah damn we got god yeah uh okay so my cousin got divorced from a pakistani semi-arranged marriage after that she

only started dating like white trump dudes uh yeah i guess yeah you're like now i need to find the opposite of that yeah she's like a trump supporter now also how am i sitting i'm just like hey a little weird yeah i'm just up on that my feet are up my legs are up on the couch like i'm like i'm a woman umar looks like uh a hipster mermaid right now yeah that's what he looks like yeah on the rock yeah and uh real quick did you know that uh the the uh mermaids like the whole uh not legend but basically like that mermaids might exist was yeah it was people fucking seals because they're delusional what was like manatees manatees like how fucked up do you have to be to look at a

manatee like god damn because something would happen when you're out at sea for so long like they would get and they would start hallucinating like a manatee oh my goodness all right do you think that's real no that's not a real story no i mean manatees are pretty hot anyway good all manatees matter so why is this guy texting me oh so all right so dating white trump guys yeah so this was the wedding if you remember where i'm not that close with this person but like she called me one day and she was like hey um, Umar, can you spread the word that I don't want anyone wearing Pakistani clothes at this wedding to tell my mom and my aunts? Yeah. I was like, uh. What a great job, by the way.

She's like, hey, can you be the one that has to be shitty to our family? Well, I was like, okay, but this is your wedding gift, you know? Yeah. That's fair. Which is more than fair. So. Yeah. It's a big ask.

It was at a winery in like i don't know it's like an hour and 45 minutes away in virginia yeah so i get there oh by the way i have to wear so she wanted all the dudes to she specified coat or sports coat yeah but sometimes she's like if you wear a white hood that'd be great yeah jeff's family wears all that stuff. You'd fit right in. Yeah. We really love World War II memorabilia. If you got any, flare it up. Yeah, he loves history.

If you could walk, just keep your legs real tight together. Don't bend that knee. And why do they walk? Anyway, so yeah, I had to go buy a sports coat because I don't have a suit. My suit's like old. I don't like it. So dude, I went to H&M. By the way, that's where I bought my like dress pants a while ago.

They're so nice. They're like 30 bucks and they're amazing dress pants. Yeah, they're not bad. They have some pretty good sports. Yeah, I'm sure they'll fall apart soon. Yeah. So I'm looking and I'm looking at h&m i'm like the sports coats are like 80 bucks which is cheap for a sports coat yeah and i was trying them on and then dude i saw one my size on sale

25 nice then i go to the register i'm like pumped he rings it up he's like oh shit it's actually 15 dollars wow let's go for 15 dollars that's a steal yeah i mean it's a little snug but okay i'm not gonna pay like right you're like i want to be a beggar and a chooser that's what i'd like to do yeah i was just like ah fuck it i'll do it and so 15 bucks yeah and uh so that was fun anyway so then I'm at the wedding. And it's just weird because it's at a winery during normal business hours. So you walk into the main hut. It's a bunch of people just hanging out all in their flannel. Doing like wine tastings and shit. In their flannel.

It's like a restaurant bar vibe in the thing we're in. And it's like a nice like 40 degree day so i get there and i'm like uh oh they just told us to wait here until the ceremony starts so we're just in this like restaurant lounge area thing it was really weird there's just people everywhere yeah and we're i'm in a suit i'm in a full suit and everyone else is in flannel and a vest yeah because it's a saturday yeah we're just gonna go sip wine and live our rich virginian life so i thought because it's like getting cold i thought like the wedding would be in this barn thing and uh definitely outside outside it was so weird i was like what it's 40 degrees outside oh shit yeah yeah yeah yeah well um i don't know if i talked about it but

uh the wedding that i went to maybe like a month ago also outside it was a thing too where you're just like i don't know if it's gonna be like half in half out and it was like yeah it was in it was like cold to the point where you weren't like all right i'm freezing but you're like yeah i'm uncomfortable yeah yeah this is not fun. Like literally, I dance to stay warm and I'm like, I don't even dance.

I just need to do this. Wow. It was an interesting wedding to be at because like the dudes from Turnstile were there and then Dan Deacon was there. It's like, yeah, it was cool.

Nice. Yeah, it was interesting. It was, you know, I'm sure it was similar to a winery vibe, you know, I'm sure it had other Baltimore legends. Yeah, yeah yeah there was uh i mean i was there right of course that's what i'm saying that's yeah uh no so yeah so uh but my brother was there that was cool so and then my

cousin another baltimore legend baltimore ledge and um john waters so we all get seated and uh it's just weird because it's like it's just like it's just a weird like we're a weird group it's just all white people and then a bunch of brown people we definitely outnumbered the white people oh nice yeah nice but also they're like we don't really know these people no no one knows one knows anyone. Yeah. So weird. It was just weird. So then we are like, it's, you know, it starts. Yeah. God, I can't remember what song she walked down to, but it was.

Back that ass up. Yeah. Yeah. Or the Toby Keith song. We'll put a boot in your ass. Yeah. About like the Iraq war or whatever. We'll put a boot in your ass yeah about like the iraq war or whatever we'll put a boot in your ass oh yeah oh that's great and uh so then you know that she comes on the aisle uh she has like this dress where her the back is open okay she has a tattoo running

all the way up her back no way i was just like holy shit i did not know like how big like it's pretty big it started from like the middle of her back all up to her neck how wide uh maybe like like like three four inches just going like up her spinal area what is it what it's just like a rose or something okay all right yeah and uh just which it doesn't look bad or anything right like for our family that is so right like that's what i'm saying like she should just get a tattoo it just says like fuck you mom and dad it's like her entire back so so i mean this is a good tattoo but it's just it was just so, I just felt like I was like a fucking like 80 year old Muslim grandma that was like, oh my God. I was like, afterwards I asked my cousins, I was like, that was crazy right there.

Like, I know. It was just so funny. It's very intentional too to have the cut back as well. Oh yeah. You know what you're doing. Like if she knows that dress is going to be a problem, like what everybody else is wearing. Fucking feminist job. Oh, she knows what she was doing to be a problem, like what everybody else is wearing. Fucking feminist job. Oh, she knows what she was doing.

Girl, that was no accident. So, and then, bro, I don't, this happens at, I would say 75% of the weddings I go to, this happens. Yeah. Ceremony starts. Right. No microphones. Ooh. Nobody's mic'd mic they're higher up than us and farther away how many people we talking uh i would say like hondo no it was kind of small

i'd say like 75 80 okay but we could no one heard a thing yeah the woman who did the the what is the person called a proceeding the person who does their oh the officiant officiant yeah the officiator she was pretty like decently loud but you know she was doing like the best anyone could but they were just so far away yeah and like higher than us so uh but when they did their vows and we're talking to dead silence just silent couldn't hear a fucking thing it was so awkward it was so awkward because you all have to pretend like this is great this is so sweet you're like what the fuck's happening yeah and it's just like but it's just funny because the whole time like this moment that we're all supposed to just be like so in the moment yeah and we're all supposed to just be like thinking about like love and life and what does it how beautiful it is beautiful this is

wow look at this like we're all just like this what like you can't hear right like this is talking is this is weird right like do they know that we can't hear them i always think about that with speeches like throughout history like before you had a fucking microphone like like a braveheart situation where he's like we are gonna fucking kick yeah people on their horse people like 50 people by like what does he say yeah can we go home i don't want to do this i don't want to fight that's so funny because like in lord of the rings there's like easy like 200 000 people like let's go and they're riding their horses back and forth like yelling like today yeah we fight for mankind yeah even the dudes that are in the front that are at one end

they're like i keep losing you when you go to the left i can't i mean i'm with it i'm here but i can't you're like i get we're gonna fight yeah oh a hundred percent but am i missing like details are we i don't know but yeah no i always think about that like how did that work yeah so uh ceremony was it was uh it was uncomfortable it was just fine it was beautiful it was a nice quiet peaceful yeah it was just like i guess we're watching a silent play right right just assume what they're saying yeah there is a funny moment that the wedding that i went to um it had uh it was on a farm so there was a moment where it was like you know the music's playing groom comes out and the bride comes out and then they're at the front and there's like a second where everybody like

kind of sat down yeah yeah and then you just heard a chicken just let out like the biggest like it was actually it was great it was like the perfect moment for it it was really funny people laugh yeah oh no it was great be weird if only you just laughed in that moment everyone's like hey we're here to appreciate love asshole yeah okay it's a chicken this is his house too all right but uh yeah so yeah there's a ceremony ceremony ends ceremony ends and usually you would think like they're gonna walk down the aisle you know like like we did it yeah but they didn't they just dispersed and started saying hi to everyone i was like oh this is interesting which whatever

i'm not a traditionalist but yeah i thought that was rude no i'm just kidding uh you're like first the back tattoo yeah this is that what a whore yeah you're like bitch yeah she did what who do you think here girl uh re-brighten truly in your too tight jacket you're like i don't know about this i mean i'm not a traditionalist but wow yeah i'm just sitting here while i'm saying this out loud to myself bitch wow your instagram live yeah and then so yes. So then we go to the cocktail hour. OK.

It's in a barn and buddy it is not heated. It's just straight open barn. Yeah. And that's where we go get drinks and it was

funny because let me ask you this. Was it open bar in the open barn. Mm hmm. Oh yeah. Yeah. But it was just wine and beer, which I shouldn't complain. It's free, but...

Hey, it's quite expensive, these wings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I'm learning. And if that's what you guys decide to do, no biggie. Listen, we're going to have it in the alley behind your house. Yeah. All right? But I just didn't feel like drinking because the day before...

I think it was two days after the World Series maybe. Oh, yeah. And I got hammered down on Wednesday night. So Thursday was... Oh, right, right. Yeah, Thursday was just like, I don't even know why I went to work. Those are the worst days. Yeah.

Where you're like, man, I'm a piece of shit. Yeah. I suck. I mean, I got a lot of work done. It was just... I helped a lot of kids. Yeah, I helped a lot of kids a lot of kids yeah i had a headache the whole time you're like there's this new therapy where we turn all the lights off

and we're very quiet it's a new therapy i swear to god i would go to jail if i did yeah you would yeah that's true that's why i was laughing i was like oh my i couldn't even imagine doing that yeah oh my god how creepy that way lay down we're gonna go to sleep put my head down to turn up the lights like what yeah i would get killed like literally i would get killed murdered yeah oh yeah dude somebody uh yeah not at my school but i heard allegedly at a school oh no and uh uh this asian man who owns a convenience store some kids like were like messing with him or like doing shit yeah so he i guess while dropping off his son or something recognized one of the kids dude he fucking grabbed him by the neck and was holding up against the wall and like don't you ever and this teacher was like sir what the fuck are you can't do that get the fuck off him and then the kids uh parents felt when they found out dude they

were like about to kill this guy yeah they were They were, like, going to kill this dude. And people had to, like, talk them out of it. Yeah. I mean, he attacked a child, right? I know. Not cool. How old was the kid? I think, like, elementary, middle school.

So he, like, picked him up by his throat. Yeah. Holy fuck. Yeah. So was the guy, like, or the kid was maybe, like, stealing from his store or something? Or, like, throwing rocks or shit. I don't know. Holy shit. yeah so where's the guy like or the kid was maybe like stealing from his store or something or like throwing rocks or shit i don't know yeah anyway you know it's just a fun alleged story that's fun that's who knows where it happened who knows yeah this this could be you saw us in a tv show right

yeah this was an episode of the uh boston public do you know that oh yeah that show great show michael rapaport was in it sure. And now he's a great comedian. Yeah. Really good. I actually... Oh, God. I would like to go see him to see what it is. Because Bill Burr...

And this is what happens when you get to that level of success or fame. Yeah. And then, like, there's people in your strategy. You just have to say they're good. Yeah. Or, like, not be disparaging because then you meet them yeah and they trash all these people oh yeah yeah like there's no way in hell that bill burr actually thinks michael rapaport is a funny comedian or yeah or like a

good comedian it's like maybe he can do like a solid 10 minutes but there's no way he should be headlining yeah you know what i mean like it's ridiculous yeah i forget who brought it up uh but it's such a good point that it's like it's so funny to be in an art i mean if you want to call comedy stand-up comedy and art but to be pursuing something seriously that for other people is like a backup plan like everything's gone to shit so i guess i can do stand-up you know what i mean yeah and then it works but everybody else is like god i'm trying so hard to be good at this and they're like i don't know everything else fails let's do this bullshit you're like yeah that's so funny yeah god damn also but it's just like uh that guy maddie

madison that fat chef guy yeah he said something like he really hates chefs who take it way too seriously. And I was like, yeah, I'm with that. I was talking about this with Dan Perlman, actually. Yeah. New York comedian. Yeah. Just a great guy. I love talking.

I don't know. We just really hit it off the first time we met. Nice. just a great guy like i love talk we just like i don't know we just really hit it off the first time we met nice and then he did gin and jokes and we had a nice dinner conversation at uh at the cellar door weird night uh yeah i'll get into that later but uh we were just like like all these like comics like there's a lot of comics like i would say like seinfeld is like one of them where he has such like this like arm chair philosophy almost about comedy like everything well you know it's like it's like it's just man i'm not able to articulate this but it's just like like people will say stuff like you know like you should never blame a crowd if

it's never the crowd's fault it's just like no that's just something that sounds cool but sometimes crowds fucking just blow dick yeah you know yeah i just hate this like grandiose way of thinking like like just to make yourself sound so much cooler right well comics we gotta do this it's it's also just it's so different than when he started we're talking like 30 40 years and he still holds people to the same standard yeah like like he was busting uh uh he was making fun of like comics today he's like what what's up with the jackets why do all comics have to wear jackets it's stupid don't you don't need a jacket on it's just like yeah actually jerry it's cool now like you look silly yeah in a sports coat well my thing is like just do whatever that

person likes like don't yeah if you actually feel comfortable. Right. I was actually talking to Mickey Freeland the other day. Yeah, yeah. And he, I forget what brought it up, but we were talking about like something about like stage presence or something like that. It's like, I just like to wear what I feel comfortable in. Like, cause I think the crowd picks up when you're not comfortable. Yeah. Like if it's, even if it's like, cause's like well i would never wear x on stage like when

i was filming i was wearing a sweater and i was like i rarely wear a sweater and but it wouldn't even be a big deal but i feel like the crowd can tell when you're uncomfortable it's not like they're like look at his sweater yeah it's like a thing in your mind you know so yeah i think that shit's stupid too so you gotta wear a jacket or a suit or and then i i heard on another podcast i actually worked with this comedian that weekend yeah and he did the podcast it was like that venues podcast yeah and uh so i was listening to it and i was like i think he maybe had might have been talking about me and i was just like this motherfucker like so he was like they were talking about like like man a lot of

comics like you know like they're always worried about the crowd like like just like just this weekend like somebody asked like hey man how are the crowd are they good how are they they good what do you mean are they good bro it's like you gotta be good to make them good and it's just like shut the you know what that person meant like stop making it this like fucking mystical bullshit thing it's right dude the thing is it's like most of the time if you get good most of the time your jokes will work and sometimes they just don't work in front of certain people but there's also like nothing to do with sometimes has nothing to do with there's you there's no rhyme or reason yeah well it's also we all pretty much know the comics in the area so it's like if you know that somebody's good or you know their material normally gets a certain reaction if it's not getting it you're like oh

this crowd's a little tight or they don't like this type of exactly yeah it's it's a show-to-show thing it's not just like in general and it's a venue to venue thing oh my god the crowds are overwhelmingly amazing and then some venues it's the opposite well in general. And it's a venue to venue thing. Oh, my God. The crowds are overwhelmingly amazing. And then some venues, it's the opposite. Some venues, it's like lukewarm. You never know. It's random. It's weird.

Well, yeah, you have to grade it on a curve. Like speaking of a barn, I did a show in fucking, was it Gambrills? I forget where it was, but it was off of 97. And it was a show I did with Rob Mayer. And it was in a place that of 97 and it was a show i did with rob mayor and it was in a place that has weddings it was a restaurant and then they had like a fake barn attached to it that they would have like weddings in and the ceiling was like 100 feet like it was so fucking high hold on the dog's trying to use my coat as a bed gob off actually i guess it's kind of okay. No, Cobb, off.

Come here. Cobb, come here. Come on, buddy. I'm sorry. He's like, damn, this North Face is comfy. Yeah, sorry, bro. No, it's my fault for putting it on the floor. so the place is set up not for comedy shows, but for like weddings and parties. Yeah. So all of

the speakers were in the ceiling. Oh, my God. Aiming down. So like people like you really had to go for like the mic was connected to those same speakers. So it'd be like, how are you guys doing? Are you guys doing good? Like if it sounded so fucking weird at a gig like that, you don't want to be like, I fucking murdered up.

You know, like because the venue is so fucked up. Yeah. I ended up having a pretty good set, but it was still not easy. So that's all I'm saying. It's just like it's venue to venue. It's just so fucking annoying. But what the fuck is all that? Oh, I didn't finish my cousin's wife.

So then we're at this cocktail happy hour, cocktail hour. Come here. We're trying to get my dog hour, cocktail hour. Come here. We're trying to get my dog to get on the... All right, just lay down. Omar and I both have peanut butter on our bodies, and we're just trying to get Cobb to be a good boy, a little team player. That's all.

That's all. Oh, yeah. So this cocktail hour, dude, there's... So there's supposed to be a magician at the cocktail hour. What a nightmare. Crazy. Also, I wonder if the magician is just like how we are. Like, God, this gig is going to suck, but whatever.

It pays well. I'm going to say it. He's driving home, texting his buddies. He's like, God, that was terrible. Just bitching like how we bitch. It'd be so funny when they pull a rabbit out of a hat. He's looking for his phone and out of yeah he's like looking for his phone and his keys he's like what a shitty gig so much shit in his hat so my fucking keys

i'm like looking around for the because i thought it was going to be like a show like like this comic's going to be or this uh magician is going to be like there's like a stage and we're all have to like sit down and watch it's gonna be like crazy right but no what it was was just like a a magician who would walk around like hey you want to see your card trick you want to see a coin trick and he was wearing he whenever you picture like a a magician who would do this looks like that he was wearing like a like a suit with like an old shitty like 90s suit with the vest i was gonna say vest was my big thing bow tie yeah i want to say bow tie and he had like a uh like a fedora e type hat on yeah oh boy boy boy it was rough and i remember he was like you want to see a trick i was like no

you know it's it's person to person with magic like we're saying the crowd sometimes you get a bad person like no dude yeah he's talking to other magicians how are these like that one guy's a dick he's in a time yeah yeah exactly i'm like the shitty audience member he's like dude the guy fuck it he's like bro it's my job you don't be a dick awesome yeah like we're like you don't like to laugh just get loose like it's magic you don't enjoy magic you asshole oh you're so uptight it doesn't cost you anything let me fucking show you these rings like come like yeah you're already what else are you gonna do talk to your shitty family there's no way oh it's so funny let me make this card disappear you asshole it was great and then uh so then we sit down yeah oh and it was kind of weird because this is the first event i've ever

been at like that's a family event where there's booze there i'm 31 years old now are you afraid to drink in front of these people i also was the first one to go get a drink i will but we had a group of cousins that do drink but they would not drink in front of our family. Oh, big move of you. And I will say this is also another fuck you to your family that she's like, we're going to have it at a place of booze. Yes. Yeah. Like, yeah, there's.

The tat. It all makes sense. It's fucking crazy, dude. Yeah. It's wild. Were people dressed? Yes. My mom looked pretty good. like but she was like what

like conservative yes for sure gotcha okay but uh so that oh yeah so then uh dinner if there was like a pig roast too they're just like really just being an asshole about stuff yeah just like it's just really going for it so dinner happens and uh you know uh dinner's really good actually and uh good table great we have a great table so then you sounded so trump there good table great table great table everyone here is very good people were jealous of our table ask anybody greatest table really great table uh they say it's a great table so uh um oh also i'm a piece of shit and like it was so karen wasn't there but she was invited god i hope my family does not listen to this we're like a half hour in karen was invited uh and uh we rcp'd blah blah

but then i felt bad karen's like best friend from childhood was turning 40 and celebrating her 40th and karen told them like i can't go because of the wedding and i was like oh dude just i was like dude just bail it's yeah that's sweet of her to offer though that's nice yeah yeah and i was like just bail and she's like well what are you gonna do it's like next week and i was like i'll just tell him like your grandfather's dying or something. So sure. He is dying. And they did go visit him.

But it was dead. I killed him weekends ago. Okay. Okay. Easy, buddy. I thought you're gonna be like in the sense that like we're all dying. You know, he is. No, he is definitely dying and uh yeah okay that's why it was like a half of a lie sure he is dying but there's no like he's gonna die that weekend right and they didn't visit him uh so

just to make that clear in case people are listening, they did not visit. Nope. But good lie on my part. And boy, oh boy, did people keep asking me about Karen's grandfather. Yeah. Did you like forget to? Yeah. I didn't think anyone. Oh, no. Because everyone.

This is what happened. I'm just picturing you with like a mouthful of ham. They're like, how's Karen's grandpa? You're like, what? He's. Oh what he's oh he's dying so very sick yeah very what does he have you're like cancer mercury's in retrograde he's fucked up messing people over his vaginal mesh is all fucked up so i he didn't wash his fruit before eating it so that's probably what it was anyway there's a magician over here no yeah so what what kept happening was like i

was like i remember telling myself like you have to be consistent you can't tell anybody the truth yeah which is a psychopath well if you're gonna lie it's gotta be the same lie go big you got to but uh well you gotta stick to that lie so everyone kept asking where karen is and i had to like a million times oh her grandfather's dying she's visiting what an asshole this guy's lived a whole life and that's what he's reduced to he's your made-up excuse this wedding karen went with it uh no she was like really that's what you're gonna say i'm like yeah it's like i'm like what else are we gonna say you know you have to say something severe yes you can't just be like ah the party you get it yeah yeah uh are you gonna

be like she had to go to work it's like really she oh she we could have yeah no that's not a good enough excuse people would get upset also you've known about it for so long you could take off yeah there's so a death in the family is the only way to get out of a wedding death people are still suspicious they're like okay all right but with work if you're lying you just say you're sick you don't have to jump to my grandmother's no no no you don't i wonder if people have done that oh yeah they've done the sick thing too much like let me say someone's dead also yeah i'm sure it's like okay you're on your third grandma are you yeah what's happening yeah didn't she die last april my family's very progressive very progressive yeah my parents born yeah my grandpa actually identifies as my grandma, and she died.

Yeah, so everyone kept asking. I'm like, oh, blah, blah, blah. And I just felt so bad every fucking time. You're like, ah, you know, he's dying. What are you going to do? By the end, it's just like, ah, what are you going to do? Hey, pass me that cake. He's going to die. Speaking of dying, I'm about to murder this cake yeah let's go okay so dude we eat and then her oh mike situation exactly what you said with the comedy show oh they're way high up in this barn because we're in a winery yeah and it's way high

up so then this asian lady is their wedding planner it's just like an older asian lady who's like a crazy mom okay and so this was a you call her an old asian lady twice you're like she's an old asian lady not like old but like yeah like maybe like 45 50 no like 50 i know but you go she's an old asian lady and like dude she's like an old asian lady right yeah i just try to like it's just like uh but you go, she's an old Asian lady. And like, dude, she's like an old Asian lady, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just try to, like, it's just like, she's fairly attractive. She's like.

Okay, all right. It doesn't matter. Anyway, she's got a set of cans. Not great, but pretty good. She gets on the mic, and no one can hear. And it's like, oh, my. Oh, bro, I forgot to tell you. Okay.

The DJ is a 77-year-old black man. No way. Wearing like a Bernie Max suit with a fucking hat and feather. Really? He had a feather in the hat? I think so. No way. Did your cousin hire him?

Yeah. They just never met him in person i think they just like saw it and we're like what's this guy what's his dj name i have i don't even know i did not get it like if it's just dj big brian or like something so oh man so uh I'm on real good time. Hell yeah. I'm hungry. Focus, focus. Focus. Oh, yeah.

So the DJ that. And then so this lady starts talking in this microphone, and it's like no one can hear. No one can hear a thing. Everyone's trying. It's so bad. Yeah. They kind of figured it out, but it still sounded bad good enough to hear so then this asian lady i've never really seen a wedding planner get on a microphone have you uh i think it does happen i think it can happen sometimes if they're like okay and now we're

gonna be doing the first dance or something like that or true i think they do that or like we're now serving food this lady started doing like crowd work hell yeah look at this bitch look at my man's shirts too tight yeah oh you think you can squeeze in that honey hey don't give him a piece of cake all right okay all right oh it costs 15 h&m owes you 15 dollars we're doing an asian impression by the way don't fire us oh yeah so funny so she's like who's been she does that thing like comics will do sometimes or like all right clap if you've been married 10 years 15 years 25 years like they're like i was like so then they get to like 25 and like what's your secret and there's just my poor aunt and uncle who like english is terrible they're nervous like yeah and just they

both answers just bomb like it was just like like my aunt's answer is just like um just love your husband yeah it's like what's your secret she's like uh social and traditional pressure if i leave i have nothing else i'm not allowed to have any other skills and completely dependent on him i've never had a job yeah and it shows bitch now what about you no she might agree but uh sure it was just so bad it was so bad then the speeches dude i have never seen every speech bomb i mean bomb every single person who got in the microphone and i took videos i mean let me ask you this bomb let me ask you this. Bomb. Let me ask you this. Were they written or were people kind of winging it? So one guy tried to wing it. It was rough.

Never good. Never good. And he's shy, too. Oh, why wouldn't you write something? Okay, so all right. Thanks. I didn't prepare anything. How about let's clap for the bride and groom?

And it was bad. Up, Cobb. Sit up on the chair. You don't know what we're talking about. Come here, Cobb. You got a hearing problem, Cobb. Go ahead, bud. Go.

Come on. Cobb, up here. What don't you like? Momentum in stories? Not a fan of that? Here, I'll do this. I'll throw. God, I wish we had ads what

what are you what are you feeding them there one of those delicious uh how about spot farms organic tender oh delicious and nutritious go to that website slash dig sesh you'll get 10 off so uh oh yeah so best man's like bombing like he has nothing prepared how do you not write anything it was bad it was so bad then uh was he just like meandering yeah yeah it was just like two it was like maybe like a minute and a half he's like all right i'm done so then he gives the best the best man goes up yeah this dude wrote like you could tell he when he was writing it he's like this is gonna fucking murder was he like pausing for applause oh yes it was so but he told some story like he mentioned like how many times this guy he was like uh he was saying how the groom's

like a big fast and the furious fan when he came out and he would soup up his cars and he made a joke about how many cars he's totaled wow you remember when you had that mazda yeah you killed that family oh my god and how like he like he got pulled he told a story like i guess he thought it would make his friends sound badass he was like he got pulled over and he's like giving this cop added i'm like what the fuck is happening right yeah so if any speech involves prior crimes of the groom you're like so then he tried to tell a joke it was like he was like you know like he's not the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back, but he would drive to the store and buy you a shirt for you. And he like and then what even is that?

I don't even know. That's awful. I think it was just how much he likes driving. Oh, OK. Just like, oh, God, you're into fast cars. Cool. Right. And so when he did that joke after the punchline, it was silent.

And you just heard Raheel go. Raheel's laugh. It's because it bombs. He got the bomb laugh. Dead, bro. This Cobb. What the fuck are you doing? Cobb, come here.

He's just all wrapped up in the cords. Is he good? Yeah, he's good. All? Cobb, come here. He's just all wrapped up in the cords. Is he good? Cobb? Yeah, he's good. All right. Jesus, come here. Psycho. Sweet boy.

Come on. Come on, buddy. He's all right. All right. All right. So, God, I really hope my family never listens to this thing. They don't. They won't.

I would say we cut around it, but weddings are going to be the whole episode. I've had some good wedding tales huh yeah uh that girl who is like crazy yeah uh i should turn it to a bit yeah and fainting oh yeah yeah yeah you passed out at your friend's wedding and now this so um so this one other guy like okay in the last speech is um he's been a family friend for a long time he's known hera since they were like school children blah blah and and you're just like oh this dude was like in love with her he was like this nerdy guy and he had written a poem and it was just oh you're in the friend zone so bad you give a speech at her wedding second uh so like he wins you got divorced he might as well like this is it

it's like this is my chance he's looking in the mirror he's like you better write a bomb ass poem your couplets better be fucking fire i am your pentameter better be fucking sick yeah and it was i recorded some of it send it to me i'll put it at the end of the pod okay i was sending all the clips to chris allen like chris is right he's like dude this is so painful oh yeah yeah it had to be crazy he was just like he was like you know he was like he you know he wrote this thinking it was funny and he tried it and it bombed and it's like welcome to our world motherfucker and it's so true because that happens to us right all the time we get to the punch and we wait and it's just

nothing yeah but and this guy can't workshop it it's not like he's like yeah i'm gonna do the wedding circuit you know what i mean i'm dude oh my god and it's like as like someone who has is like a performer or like gets in front of people it is so fascinating yeah to just watch people do like almost everything you can do wrong wrong yeah yeah incredible yeah mike like the their mic technique is garbage people like just they'll hold a microphone in their hand and then just keep their hands like at their waist it's like right what the fuck yeah so when i met her they're like still talking with their hand like that yeah crazy uh one of the weddings that i went to not the most recent one but it was three speeches and the first

was the first was the dad and like genuinely gave like a heart yeah warming speech like literally like made me tear up yeah that happens because he was like genuinely sweet and then the best friend gave one and then the other best friend. And then so it was like two really nice written speeches. And then the third one, the person winged it. And you're like, bro, you're going to wing it after that? Like I thought about the same way of like comics of just being like somebody that's like crushed, crushed. And then somebody goes up like, all right, I'm going to try some new shit.

You're like, no, no. You should have written something. Oh, know what like and that's another thing it's like we know like if you don't like if i was at a show and i didn't feel prepared i'd be like hey let me go like second or first like yeah that's a good thing like they don't know how to stack it like i mean well that one was just it was bomb bomb bomb right that is funny you're like all right well okay if aunt linda's gonna go she's got a lot of energy she really works the room we gotta put aunt linda dude but that's happened so many times it's like dude if you know your one friend is like really funny outgoing and he's gonna knock out of the park yeah make him close

yeah yeah he's a closer don't yeah it's just like's just like I've done one of my friend's wedding from work. I think she, whatever. Like the best man he fucking, I mean, it was thoughtful, funny, touching, like sentimental. It was amazing. I'll also say this, even more props for the same reason because you can't workshop it. Exactly. So it's like, and you're still murdering. Oh, murder. It was great yeah amazing right and uh oh and i found out he had

done stand-up one time and he crushed he won a competition what yeah his first time yeah first time and he'd never and he's never done it again yeah just retire on top crazy anyway so then the uh maid of honor went and like it was fine but she was really nervous yeah it was more like like way kind of more sentimental and like sweet sweet right almost kind of a downer at times right it's like oh this is not good to close on right just tugging at the heartstrings yeah yeah yeah um but oh sorry oh no no go ahead so then that happens so then there's a belly dancer no dude i gotta show you pictures it's like we all go file back out to the um cocktail hour place and they cleared the whole place made it like a big open dance space yeah and so this like asian woman comes out and she's just a belly dancer actually like really

in shape most of the time i feel like belly dancers aren't in shape i'd be like they're okay yeah they're never less they're never like fat this chick was in shape right and just belly dancing like i thought it was funny like and then like so the bride would go dance with her yeah i mean you kind of need a belly a little bit and then they were trying to push other people to and like no they were trying to get a dance floor going and it was not happy like we don't dance you know yeah and it was just uh it was very uncomfortable it Forced fun is never... Exactly. I went to the bathroom and I came back out and the belly dancer

was balancing a sword on her. What? She just has to keep upping the ante. She's on a unicycle with a juggling fire. It was so funny. I ate cake and I left without saying bye to anyone at like 8 o'clock.

The old Irish goodbye. The Pakistani wedding. Second time I heard Irish goodbye today. Yeah? I think I said this today earlier. Gotcha. Yeah. I never heard Irish goodbye before.

Well, yeah. You were workshopping stuff for the pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Angie and Monkey's wedding that I went to, the most recent one. They had a bagpipe player. I don't know if I talked about this on the podcast, but so it's like you. I think we were like just sitting down to dinner and then Angie and monkey were sitting at like the front table or it was all outside under like this big tent, but they had like this middle table and then you start to hear bagpipes and you're like, oh, okay. And there's like a bagpipe player oh yeah i tell you about this yeah you've talked about this on the okay

yeah yeah but that was that was so funny so yeah because the bagpipe player like it was a prank yeah and i was like okay maybe their family likes this or something like that's hilarious what they had done they had got the bagpipe player for their friend's wedding yeah prank and then they got them back and then it just made me think of it because like the guys already paid for it like same way the belly dancer is she's like all right i gotta try to get people to dance so then the people that paid for the bagpipe player he fades out and everybody's like yeah all right and then the people have paid for it like one more song the guy's like okay jeez and he doesn't know it's a prank but he's just like fuck yeah i'm fucking crushing crazy

god that must just feel if i was a bagpipe player i would just be like oh my god oh my god i'm ruining no he loved it oh really you could kind of see it because dude it was like how many people it was like hundreds of people hundreds of people and like we're all like kind of see it because, dude, it was like, how many people? It was like hundreds of people. Hundreds of people. And we're all kind of buzzed, too. And we're like, yeah. And then somebody's like, one more song. He's like, okay.

And it's bagpipes. So it's not like he's like, I got to play something completely different. It all sounds the fucking same. And I'm sure he got paid like 500 bucks. He's like, great. That is pretty tight. This is one of the best days of my life damn dude yeah so yeah bagpipe player fucking crush uh have you talked to that cousin since no no we're not close gotcha like yeah no and did you deliver the message to

everybody just my mom okay i'm sure everybody disseminated or yeah but some people didn't get her mom didn't dressed up in pakistani clothes because her mom is very like traditional religious really yeah her mom's religious interesting yeah fucking crazy dude interesting interesting fucking crazy um let's see i'm drawing a blank on all of my uh shit that i've been up to but it's been uh it's been good what else today oh i wanted to bring up um what you got let's see so do you know the dude craig fisher do you know him yes yeah why do i know him so he comes to a lot of shows he's one of the sweetest guys he came out to uh my album recording oh wow and uh oh yeah he left a really nice message so we were talking about it and uh

he's like hey would you mind could you tell umar like i'm not crazy it was like yeah sure he's like because i i thought he was just posting this thing and i wanted you know i think he's really funny and i never met him he probably thinks i'm nuts but you posted something like you're like hey guys i really need validation and he was like hey you're really great you're a great performer and you're like i know i was just kidding he's like so you can you tell him i'm like not crazy or like oh i didn't think that at all i i didn't think so but i was like also like craig that's i was like craig that makes you sound more crazy he's like tell him i'm not crazy tell him i don't have bones in my basement i'll send him a message that's so funny dude he's a sweetheart man i yeah i didn't even know he's coming out to the show i wonder if he listens

well let's see if you listen to the pod i think he does because i was like dude i'll bring it up on the pod but the last time we recorded i forgot to bring it up that's hilarious yeah he yeah because i can't remember what the stat oh the status is about like people always just always something bad happens to them they always have to go on facebook like yeah i was walking and somebody it's just like oh my god or you know like they'll just post like or it's it's like god having a real rough one can you leave some nice comments yeah it's just like or like even you don't even have to be that overt about it but it's like you know you're just oh you're fishing you're fishing in it and that's what so i made a joke post about like that and but i guess they didn't i didn't do it well enough and people i knew what you were

doing but i think there are enough people that see that shit on a day-to-day basis forget now that there are some people that are following me that aren't like like yeah in my life right so they don't know how i am i guess yeah yeah yeah that's so funny yeah and he was like no he didn't take it as like you were depressed he was like oh i just wanted to let him know like i i like his comedy oh yeah and it made me feel great yeah and it was he was like yeah he's like it felt even weirder too because there was one time when uh you posted something of like does anybody have a dry vac or something like that or a shop vac and he wanted to be like i have one and he's like and he's like but i never

met him so i didn't know if that weird amount i was like no probably not i have taken it probably not speaking of uh i still i borrowed two and they're still in my basement i gotta return them damn yeah i was gonna rent one i was like i think people buy these i think i'm gonna buy one yeah i mean how much is it you buy one for like 80 bucks that's not too bad nah we i had one of one of the houses i lived in because we didn't know the basement flooded and then we didn't find out until after we moved in and the owner was like yeah no i thought i have a shop vac in the basement for that it's like oh cool that's so ridiculous wish i had known that before we signed paperwork yeah that would have been nice man i've been so happy we had really heavy rains no water in my basement that's great pretty tight yeah that's some real shit

tight real shit yeah man my fridge was fucking up oh yeah i'm gonna have to get a new one at some point oh yeah yeah yeah not great i don't like this fridge they went real low budge on the appliances yeah uh mine's too high budge i'm buying a new fridge i'm buying a i need a french door fridge once you get used to that yeah last two places i lived in were that way it's just like bro like there's no way this thing i fucking hate opening a traditional spot we're at in our lives you're like i bought a house and i can never go back to the non-french door fridge are you kidding me i don't have a fucking ice maker in this motherfucker it's

what the fuck i'm twisting ice trays oh yeah putting ice cubes in a little box and now it takes up space in my freezer that does suck i think sucks dick i think for the longest time i didn't have an ice maker and like still to this day my dad thinks that my fridge doesn't make ice like i'll be like hey you want you want like a water coke he's like yeah but i know you don't have any ice i'm like i have an ice maker shut the fuck up okay i have one now all right it's yeah and it works fine great dude it's so funny like uh uh karen's brothers oh that was another i got so many stories like here yeah i love it i'm blanking on all of mine we're uh we're at about an hour we We got like, we're at like 56, 57 minutes. Oh, we would just wrap it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean. Oh, but Karen. So Karen like threw her parents like a 50th anniversary party. Oh, sorry. There's something I want to bring up too. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. It's not that great of a story.

No, I forgot. I forgot to bring this up when we were like talking about the whole special weekend me kevin and paul um when we were driving up to pennsylvania paul was did i talk about this the bluetooth thing i don't know um we're driving up to pennsylvania and uh we're on 83 north and uh paul was like hey if you want to connect to the bluetooth you guys you can and just like put on whatever music yeah and so it's like all right so i went to my bluetooth and then you have to do like the discoverable thing yeah see what's around and and in big like capital letters just said volvo car and there was a white volvo next to us with two old people and i was like oh my god can i connect to their thing and and i was like fuck it i'll try and then i click on it and it's like uh you need a pin

to connect and i was like oh fuck it needs a pin i bet it's one two three four and i put in one two three four and it connected so you played music i immediately put on porn yeah did you see them freak out they didn't so they must not have had the radio on or something but i was and dude they were going so fast. We were going like 85 to try to see their faces. God. But, like, immediately just went to Pornhub. It was like the first title up was, like, Fat Bitch Cream Pie.

And, like, immediately put that on. And it was an older couple, too. And I was like, God, I wanted that to work. Older couple going 85? They were cruising, dude. Fucking cruising. Nothing left to lose. an older couple too and i was like god i wanted that to work older couple going 85 they were cruising dude fucking cruising nothing left to lose but i just wanted to like see their faces of like because the guy was driving his wife was in the like it would just be like i don't know what a fucking car accident oh my god they go flying into the meeting disconnect

paul what do you drive a Ford, right? What's the Ford? That would be so fucking funny. God, I'm like, man, I want to try that more often. Just connect to people's Bluetooth. Oh, yeah. All right. We'll leave it there.

We'll leave it there. Let's go. Let's plug some stuff. Thanksgiving. The Thanksgiving weekend, November 29th and 30th. go let's let's plug some stuff thanksgiving november the thanksgiving weekend november 29th and 30th stav hey now he's gonna be doing shows at joe squared i'm hosting stav of come down stutter freak donnie sing stack coming down oh that's gonna be a fun one it's a fun one yeah i'm gonna be in uh tickets are online yeah check that out i'm gonna be in... Tickets are online. Yeah. Check that out. I'm going to be in Lorton on Friday.

Oh, that's going to be great. Yeah. And who's the... Jenny Zagrino. Yeah. I'm excited. She's funny. Excited for that.

Very cool. I work with her. My first feature weekend at the Draft House. Very nice. I forgot her last name on one of the shows. Oh, no. And it was when they were still doing it long-wise. It was because it was one of the first months.

And there was like eight people still doing it long-wise. It was because it was like one of the first months. Yeah. And there was like eight people at most of these shows. Oh, no. And what did you say her name was? I forgot her last name. I was like, give it up for Jenny. Yeah, that's what you try to always do. Everybody.

She would sit in the crowd and just come in, which is even just more terrible yeah more time but yeah i'm excited for those so that's gonna be in lorton that's gonna be great fredericksburg yeah yeah i did that run last year yeah it's gonna be fun lafayette's on the show so i'm excited excited for that and then uh yeah come out to that and then i got an article in the hard time oh yeah congrats dude that's all that thanks man, man. Yeah. So, yeah, look for that. It's called Lead Singer. Pretty sure a good idea was his idea.

Oh, yeah, dude. So, yeah, you know, if you couldn't yawn, I'm a published author. Show me some respect. Published. Thank you. Thank you. Published writer. So check that out.

Hi, Cobb. Thank you. You get me. All right. Yeah. Thanks, everybody, for listening. We'll try to be a little more prompt on the next episode, and we'll talk to you next time. Find us on the social medias and stuff david kechner take us out

digression sessions comma to an end សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Take care.