The Digression Sessions - Ep. 306 - Josh & Umar 2020

Episode Date: January 6, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catching up on New Years and how horrible fast food can be in 'Merica. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Oh yeah. We're recording baby. Here we go. The Dig Set. Coming at you. Hot. go. The Dig Set. Coming at you.

Hot. 2020. 2020. Coming in hot. It's a new year. It's a new pod. We did it. Yep. That's been the pod.

We did it. 2020. 2020. We're out of here. Good episode. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. How are you, buddy?

Good. How are you? When did you start this pod? 2007. 10. Yeah you, everybody. How are you, buddy? Good. How are you? When did you start this pod? 2007. 10. Yeah. Way back. Wait.

Yeah. It's been a minute. It's probably been a decade. You think so? Yeah. I think you did like either 2011 or 12. For sure, 2011 or 12. Yeah.

I mean, I started it before doing stand-up. Yeah. And I was on your pod, and I think it was around 20. I was dating a girl that I can date back to like 2011, 2012. Hmm. So, yeah, it might be closer to 2012 then. Okay, almost a decade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eight years old.

It's been a fucking while. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, man, you were there before Marin. Oh, here you decade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eight years old. It's been a fucking while. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, man, you were there before Marin. Oh, here you go. 2011. Wow. So close. Yeah.

No, I think he was around before. I remember finding... No, I'm kidding. Yeah. Oh, but it was... I mean, it was close. It was very close. Well, actually, maybe a couple of years.

But I remember finding his podcast just because there weren't that many like i knew adam carolla had a podcast and it was like these are the other four comedy podcasts that exist and it really wasn't that many yeah that was a cool thing about podcasts well for me because like uh i just started doing comedy and then like comedy podcast started being a thing yeah and i think our our buddy Alex told me to check out Mark Maron podcast and the Louis episode specifically. Oh, that's deep into Maron then. Yeah.

I didn't know about Maron early on. Yeah. I listened when it was like he also had a not a co-host, but he would have a guy on that he was like friends with kind of at the end and they would like sort of catch up but they had a weird kindler no i don't he wasn't i mean he might be a comic but he wasn't like a yeah named comic that's interesting and the episodes were about like a half hour and they would do bits sometimes like have people come in and pretend to be characters i can't see marin doing that well at all uh he wasn't bad he was like the straight man so it wasn't too bad and then uh yeah like calling pat and oswald on the phone and shit like that

yeah and you know i think uh both of our podcasts have grown you know uh we're gonna have donald trump on pretty soon yeah we're gonna have the president we should try to get a we should try to get bush on here before he dies yeah but i would like to just talk to him about his paintings only yeah sure i'll talk to whatever he yeah so what did you do before painting yeah president of what like uh before 2001 and three yeah did you launch any wars yeah have you ever read my pet goat you ever read that book that was the book he was reading when he found out about uh 9-11 oh yeah and he just kind of like sat there in front of that class it was like yeah i have to go now michael moore treated him so i thought it was kind of unfair how michael moore

treated him in fair night 9-11 just in that part because they pause it it's like and he thought for 11 seconds sat there do it he's like yeah he's in front of a kindergarten class give him some time to think like what should i do like you know it's just like he can't just be like all right kids the country's on fire i gotta go he's like yeah all right so uh this book is good i hate to break it up but uh they flew planes yeah into the world trade center heard of this you ever hear this flying a plane you heard about this talk about talk about people that love goats these people love uh love hidden buildings love jihad whoa all right that's been a good class and uh but yeah like so he paul michael moore paused on him he's like what do you think he was thinking was he thinking about all the money his family

made off the saudis yeah was he thinking oh shit maybe i should it's just like shit bro well they did they did that in that moment and then there was another moment too it's like and he had a cigar on the white house lawn with so-and-so and what did they talk about yeah was it this it's like you have no idea what they talked about like why would you be like was it other conspiracy theories maybe okay i mean i guess that's journalism am i eating a donut writing this Was it other conspiracy theories? Maybe. Okay. I mean, I guess that's journalism. Am I eating a donut writing this? Sure.

You better believe it. Yeah, no, I would talk to George W. Bush about his paintings. That'd be great. We would get a lot of shit for it. Ellen sat next to him and was like, fucking just people went nuts. They're like, oh, fuck. How could oh how could she's like she's a billionaire she can only hang out with eight people in this world yeah i mean she can also she can do whatever she wants yeah also like it's also she does absolutely not care about you yeah

she's full of shit that's why that's why all of her writers and everybody that works on her show has to sign an nda i heard through a former writer she's not a good person. Of course. Yeah. You don't have people that work for... She's not NASA. It's not the NSA. It's not like... Like I heard she's really not nice. Yeah, of course.

Again, she makes her staff sign NDAs so they cannot talk about her. Don't you think every person does that? I bet you like every TV show does that. No way. You think Jimmy Kimmel's like sign an NDA? They can't know? Yeah, maybe not. I bet you like every TV show does that. No way. You think Jimmy Kimmel's like signing NDA? They can't know? Maybe not.

I think so. Because you don't hear about anything about any show. Sure you do. I mean, I've heard that... What's his face? Anthony Jeselnik talks about like Fallon. And he's like, yeah, he was a nice guy. He likes to drink.

He has fun. Oh, yeah. He really... That was... Yeah. He really outed him. I mean, there's a bunch of YouTube videos of him pretty drunk in bars and stuff. I mean, he seems fun.

He has the whole bar singing, and he's playing piano and stuff. Yeah. Apparently, there's some one tiny bar he likes to go to a lot after his show. But yeah, no. Ellen seems like a monster. Yeah. You have to be to get to be that level i guess but their whole uh i mean yes and no like yeah you got to have that drive but when your

whole brand is like we have fun and we dance and blah blah it's like yeah okay yeah you seem like a bucket of fun a little barrel yeah and i think you when you i mean like i think she kind of tapped into that oprah energy well yeah yeah yeah because like oprah used to have like a really shitty talk show too where like i forgot what documentary i was watching but they were they um it's called oprah my queen it was a guy he was pretending he like was being an actor for like they needed an actor um to go on like oprah's show and he just was gonna he was pretending to be the heel yeah yeah like like they used to do on jerry spring yeah and so oprah has this guy on and and it's just so funny they're cutting um in and out in and out and it was just like just so funny that

like like oprah was just like another trash tv bullshit and i get it you have to do that yeah to like that's also what a shoe in the industry. Well, it was also when she started, like the late 80s. That's what the shows were for a long time. Probably still are, like Jerry Springer and all that stuff. God, I wish I could remember this documentary. It was a guy who was going to be a model, then it didn't work out. And then what did he do now? The Josh Kodernas story.

Yeah. Yeah. He's a podcast. Oh, man. I can't remember't remember fuck anyway yeah it was just like wow even oprah like did and then it's like when you can learn if you can learn to like convince people that you're a good person yeah and not that i don't know oprah but like oh you don't no oh interesting yeah it's weird i always thought you did i've never heard you are you're always like oh my friend oprah i bet you she makes her staff sign ndas probably because you don't hear shit about

backgrounds of her show oh yeah like that's it's just like she's a billionaire these people that's it's what you see happening with comedy right now is like people have to pretend like they're these good moral people and it works you get huge followings people like you more yeah well interesting yeah it's like no you can't just make me laugh. I need to like you as a person. Yeah. What you stand for. You know, it's not just like, oh, that's funny.

It's just like, no, I'm involved in their life and I think that they're good. You know? Yeah. It's real. It is weird. It's so phony. It kills me. Yeah.

It's like, oh, no, I like that. They have a really good immigrant story. It like okay but is it funny you look like you want to say something but you're not going what are you gonna do what are you gonna do but yeah i don't know you're gonna burn bridges oh that's what i was gonna say is uh uh well uh pete davidson supposedly had people sign ndas at a show recently like the whole crowd had to sign dude i get it because stuff of his shows gets leaked but why do a yonder bag an nda you can't talk about i mean maybe this is also like i'm just like a game of telephone i like it i like that you don't get to talk to the press about what someone said what someone did not say yeah i guess i don't

know it's just so weird to me it's like a million dollar nda it's like you're gonna sue me because i talked i said what pete davidson said like i know who cares he's also like a legit he's borderline personality disorder yeah so he's like he's kooky and he's famous real young really young i mean like i think he was still like 19 or 20 oh his dad died in the aforementioned 9-11. Oh, I thought of the documentary. It's called Fat, colon, documentary. And it's a documentary.

Okay. Oprah has had some weight problems over the years, but I don't think they should call it that. That's what it's called. That's not nice. No. So it was this guy, and it's about like it's really – I didn't finish it because I fell asleep, but it's really good. It's about why our diets are the way they are and how it's so arbitrary and it's so driven by economics and not by science. Oh, yeah.

And it's so fucking interesting. Anyway, the guy like was trying to be a model and he said when he went on this Oprah show show yeah he had to pretend to be like this male chauvinist but he wasn't yeah um he just realized how like the media drives every like the media well dude it's insane i was just oh go ahead yeah i was just saying well i mean it's the same with food it's what's available and it's like what is common and that's what happened and like what what can what do we need to subsidize to get rid of it and help farmers and uh yeah yeah it was it's so fucking interesting like you gotta watch it it's crazy i mean like the reason one of the reasons that like um i can't remember what we think it is like one of the like uh like some of like some of our food uh like like why we should eat this

and that is because some lady uh like back in the day like uh was considered to i don't know be like some church spiritual lady and said that like she had some vision from god that we shouldn't be eating this and that's why like we are and it just kept passing down and down sure this like old wives tale and it just fucking just stuck what if god was like yo i'm gonna really lay some shit on you but you gotta sign this nda yeah all right i'm gonna tell you what to eat all right but for you and only you he's like look i've raped a lot of people okay i've been involved in a lot of rapes i've witnessed a lot didn't do anything i did make bill cosby so yeah i am an accessory and every other rapist true and i'm watching everything okay again sign this nda please

but uh yeah it was crazy it was i i had that thought um on the way on the way back from the poconos where where me and my fiance went for new year's eve uh to to join our friends in the poconos but oh wow but when you're yeah i mean any you see it anytime you're driving but if you're driving for like three hours on a highway or through these towns it's just like mcdonald's burger king wendy's mcdonald's burger king wendy's and it's yeah it's weird how prevalent bad food is oh yeah it's oh it's disgusting like if you think about yeah just as a society it's like man wouldn't we shouldn't we just kind of like checker the highway with like a little bit more of like a healthier option but everybody's like that's what's there so i'm gonna

eat it it's cheap yeah like i can't remember why grains were but like i think one of the reason grains were around it's just because it was just like it's like we have so much of it we got to get rid of it or something like that and they're just like yeah fuck it let's just say it's healthy oh right right well that's the thing with the corn too right yeah making high fructose corn syrup is there's just so much of it they're like yeah we got to use it now crazy uh yeah but it's just nuts how like dude like uh there's a show on netflix called like the toys that made us have you seen this uh you seen this you heard about this you've seen this you've seen It's just nuts how like, dude, like there's a show on Netflix called like The Toys That Made Us. Have you seen this?

You seen this? You heard about this? You seen this? You seen this shit? I watched some of it. But yeah, it's like He-Man and shit like that. Like the iconic toy. Like Barbie, right?

Yeah. I watched two of them. I watched the Ninja Turtles one and I watched the Power Rangers one. Oh, there's episodes for each one. Yeah. Oh, okay. episodes for each one yeah okay it's so interesting because the both of these shows someone first had been like the the power rangers was like this kind of show that was in china or japan japan yeah in japan it was kind of like a thing over there somebody saw it and was like you

know what these would be really cool toys so then they were like how do you know we got to make a show yeah to sell these toys right and that's how power rangers happen and they're like all we'll do is take the clips from the japan show and then we'll just film like them not in the costumes in america and splice it together yeah and the whole reason power rangers existed was to sell toys to kids it worked and so power like you know everyone's like advertising doesn't work and it's like dude tv is it an ad in like a show is advertising well that's why isn't that what's insane i think that's why tv was created though right it was like mostly advertising oh yeah but then ninja turtles same thing they had

the idea like this comic book for like it was a comic book first and it was super violent at first and then this guy was like dude we could sell these as toys but we gotta like friendly a kid friendly it up yeah so then they made a whole show around it first like a kid friendly show right just so they could sell toys and they start making the toys first before the show michelangelo originally was like man i love to rape and they're like okay what if we made a pizza let's uh let's go back to the drawing board all right yeah yeah yeah i like committing hate crimes what if he liked pizza instead i don't know that might be a little

better i don't know yeah yeah yeah and so it's just like it's i was just like it blew me away because i had all those toys i had all like power rangers oh yeah turtle toys and i'm like i'll do that capitalism is nuts well also just um tricking the brain too of like all the like they have also like psychologists or people like that also they're like oh this is what works this is what appeals to kids too that's why every like cereal commercial is like bright and fun and it gets attention then it has all the sugar in it too to get them hooked and stuff like that i watched a documentary i watch a lot of documentaries yeah i watched a documentary a while ago on like uh Umar is very educated. I'm educated, guys. On like eating disorders.

And they showed kids commercials from like the 70s and 80s, even early 90s, to like kids commercials that started in like the 2000s. Yeah. And they make the kids like skinnier and sluttier. Like they'll put girls in like more slutty outfits. They only pick like good looking, attractive kids. Oh, yeah. Well, like back in the day, it was just any chubby kid,

just normal clothes, no makeup, no skin. They show girls navel commercials. It's disgusting. Yeah, with tons of makeup. Yeah. Look, we can't have any uggos, all right? We're trying to sell My Little Pony, all right? I was like, oh, my God.

Anyway, I have all these My Little Ponies around, but it has nothing to do with the commercials. Yeah, you are a, what do they call them? Brony. Yeah, you are a brony, but, my God. Anyway, I have all these My Little Ponies around, but it has nothing to do with the commercials. Yeah, you are a, what do they call them? Brony. Yeah, you are a brony, but that's fair. I mean, you put the bro in brony. You're a man about it. Yeah.

Yeah. I wear a cool, I wear a cool tip. But yeah, no, just the amount of bad food that is out there. As I was eating McDonald's, I was like. Dude, I'm, yeah, I'm on a diet now. Or like, I'm doing like a month of. You're doing a dry month? Dry month. Dry January got real, I don't a diet now. I'm doing like a month of... You're doing a dry month? Dry month.

Dry January got real... I don't know. No sugar? Speaking of whoever does like branding or advertising, dry January has really taken off. It's very interesting. But I mean, it makes... I'm surprised it didn't come around long earlier.

Well, people do the sober October thing. Yeah. Why is it October? I think literally because it rhymes. Oh, I think that's it. Yeah. But I guess no shave November. Right.

You could do sober November kind of. Yeah. Sober October rolls. Last year I did a parched March as I called it. Pretty good. You brand that. And of course, I'm a literal millionaire right now. And yeah, Karen was was like you should do a

dry january with me and i was like why she's like to support me because i want to do it why do i have to do it no yeah karen's definitely not she was like i'm gonna drink on the weekend i'm just not drinking during the week yeah i was like i'll reel it i'll reel it in a little bit i gotta reel in the eating the eating is the eating well the good times lead to the eating good times i'm giving up that for a month interesting yeah you're going sober sober i'm trying we'll see okay okay it's the plan dude i've been because i was off the last 12 days all i did yeah was fucking have good times just chill yeah i would eat my fucking ball and we had all this food around because the holidays and karen brought home cheesecake and red velvet cake and i had cake and candy and bullshit yeah

and i would just buy dude on christmas night the charmery which is a local ice cream store was open yeah i was at my parents house oh i think you texted me yeah i i i made it within like five minutes of them closing i bought i was like just get one i'm gonna close this motherfucker damn i got two scoops of ice cream okay ate them both that night you know i tried to do the mover i'm like i'm just gonna eat half of each yeah well i think literally both the last podcast we did you were like i you know what i told myself i'm not gonna eat that much and you're like cut to me and this guy sharing a fucking cake oh yeah and it's so every night that was like the first night of my break literally that was like the first night

yeah every night and then i after the two scoops of ice cream i ate four cookies that night dude i mean and it's just been like that i've been eating cheesecake and red velvet cake i'm just like so last night we did our last like hoorah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. We fucking, yeah. We ate, we got more bread pudding. Hell yeah. That's what it was. Bread pudding. Bread pudding, yeah. At a food market.

Oh, their bread pudding. Their bread pudding is amazing. Really good. Five bucks. Happy hour. Not bad. I really like their blondie too. The blondie.

That's it. Sorry. We got the blondie. That barely baked blondie. Yeah. And is it in kind of like a bowl plate thing? Yeah, it comes with ice cream and uh the marshmallow is like melted yeah they take the little uh flame to the marshmallow oh yeah yeah it's so fucking good they take ellen degenerate to the marshmallow you

know what i mean what are you talking about i don't know don't we call what do you mean the bad person yeah they take the secret bad person wait did we used to call gay people flamers i've never did never iers? I never did. Never did. I never did that. You said we? No. Wow.

This patriarchal white supremacist society. Let's move on. Have you always had that swastika tattoo? Yeah. I didn't know if it was new or not. I don't know. No. Yeah.

Oh, go ahead. I was going to say just to finish the Pete Davidson thing. I saw him when he was doing the tour with John Mulaney. You did? Uh-huh. Where was that? The Meyerhoff. Oh, yeah.

You said Mulaney was amazing. He was very good. Actually, I liked him more the tour before Kid Gorgeous. The one that ended up being the Radio City Music Hall special. Dude, I haven't seen his last two specials. Oh, you got to watch the Radio City. He's so good, man. He's incredible.

He's great. Yeah, I just don't know why I haven't seen him. But he did it. And he also had food poisoning like literally the day before. But anyway, and he did some material from the previous tour which is like totally fine it was a year anyway um but at the end him and pete did a q a that's awesome which but i'm like you are really open because you're at a theater of what like a thousand people or something like that and then literally two nights later i think they did a show in new

jersey and pete davidson walked off stage during the q a because somebody asked him about like ariana grande or something like that like you can't be dating i mean you you can but if you're in front of an art like you just went through this high profile breakup and you're like hey you 1500 people is there anything you want to ask pete davidson did you fuck ariana grande like a douchebag you want to ask Pete Davis? Did you fuck Ariana Grande? What a douchebag you have to be to ask that question. It's just shitty. But I get it. You should expect it.

It is absolutely shitty. But if you're doing an open Q&A. I know. You know most people are dumb. Hey, we're trying to change. This is me. That's literally a person trying to change. He's evolving.

He's evolving. I'm evolving. You literally are witnessing evolution. And that's literally a person trying to change he's evolving he's evolving you literally are witnessing evolution and that's beautiful honestly it's beautiful and uh it's a beautiful thing to watch but uh we're gonna make you sign an nda and just in case somebody asked you didn't see or gonna email out an nda please mail them back a nice pdf we have a po box yeah send out yeah it's uh yeah we can't tell you the address either um but yeah i'm like dude if you're gonna open it up to the audience they're gonna ask something dude yeah i think you don't like q and a's are it's also weird it's like who is the q and a for i think because so they had an opener i forget his name but he was really funny and then i think john is like

working on stuff and his hour wasn't all the way there so then it's like all right now let's fill a little time that's so funny that even us comics like oh the opener is really good what's his name i don't remember i mean also because you know how much that probably happens to us like every time every show we ever do good i don't know his name opener was good he was good well that's why i wish i used the stage name not like for secrecy or anything but just for something that sticks out something not not even sticks out something that's just easy like if i would have been like josh white they'd be like great i'll look you up yeah oh you were good man what's uh what's your instagrams like josh kaderna like i am never gonna remember that yeah but then you'd be like here's my card

do you want my card yeah yeah yeah the card thing is uh i don't know if i'm gonna re-up cards yeah it's like a waste of money right we're talking about when you hand out because like there's all these trends that people do you know and uh like the cards when i first started i remember some people had them but then i remember like yeah hearing comics like especially comics like sarah silverman and all them like the alt who i really like admired at the time like kind of trash people who have cards well and they're saying it's like hacky so then no one did cards for a lot for i would say up until two three years ago yeah is when cards started

becoming a thing again i did i did stickers for a little bit like i used to have digression session stickers and i would just put my handle on the back of it just yeah i remember that there's like a sticker if you want to use that and so it's like a way of getting around a card but i don't know yeah i think cards make sense like now because of like the age of social media that's what you put on yeah yeah like before i wouldn't i didn't have a website and i'm not gonna make a website just to make a car right right you know like and i don't have a website now and yeah it's i don't know some people say i should and but i don't think it matters yeah instagram is enough yeah to get people to notice it makes you look more serious to maybe potential bookers but then it's

also it's like how far are you going with that yeah you know so you get these cards you hand them out but dude there's been weekends i mean like every weekend i hand out cards i would hand out cards and i would get like there'd be most of the time you get almost no followers only one weekend i think i got like dude i got like 30 followers one weekend but it was just because the comic that i was head that was headlining he is hardcore comedy fans so you're really just banking on yeah but it's like that's still great though yeah you know what the cards are only 20 bucks what i'm gonna say i don't think they're that bad i keep forgetting i was

thinking like t-shirts are the yeah for cards yeah cards, yeah. You get like 500 for what? Yeah. 50 bucks or something. Chris Allen makes like four or $500 sometimes a weekend selling shirts. Oh, yeah. He sells them online. Lafayette sold a bunch of shirts too. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm going to make a cool shirt. Well, yeah.

You have to make something that people... That's what sucks. But then even that, they hate. People hate. Like they think it's annoying and hacky and they hate when feature acts sell shirts. Not always. Yeah. Not always.

I remember Mike Fonazzo asking Bobby Slayton. Oh, yeah. Well, you got to tell people what that guy's like. Everybody knows Bobby Slayton. No. Everybody knows the Pitbull of comedy. The Pitbull of comedy. Oh, my God, dude.

He used to be a Vegas act. I mean, he was around in the 80 80s too, but his voice was like, hey, how you doing, Bobby Slayton, by the way. And he was just like a total dickhead that weekend. But I was hosting, Mike Panazzo was featuring, and Bobby was the headliner, of course. And it was the first weekend that Mike had... Oh, no people of color or women?

Well, Mike was in blackface. Oh, okay. He was doing that for a long time and you were uh pretending to be trans well i wasn't pretty well we'll see anyway everybody sign an nda uh yeah it was all straight white men and uh but it was the first weekend that mike had merch to sell and he was really excited about it oh yeah yeah yeah and so uh we're in the green room which is like a tiny green room yes and uh bobby's already being standoffish and kind of a dick and and the feature you're supposed to ask the headline like hey would you mind and some people

are really cool like they'll be like like yeah absolutely sell right next to me or we'll do a two-for-one deal whatever 95 of the time people are cool with it yeah so uh so mike's like um he was like mike had his had his shirts and i don't think bobby saw him but he was like he's like uh hey bobby how did how do you feel about um t-shirts or do you have a do you have a t-shirt for your comedy or something like that like how do you feel about t-shirt he's like i fucking hate comedians with t-shirts he didn't see mike he didn't know that he had him and mike didn't sell him no yeah you can't he's like well all right well it's funny because back that like mike was probably just like i want this guy to like me but now if someone like bob if he didn't give me a hard no i'd be like fuck this guy he's not gonna help me oh he, I'd be like, fuck this guy. He's not going to help me.

He's not. He's fucking on his way out of comedy. Yeah. I'm going to fucking sell these shirts. That's how I think I would be now. Right. Right. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just a dick to him, too, because he eventually was just such an asshole to me. Oh, really? What were you like? Oh, my God. Yeah. He was like notoriously bad. It was the so the first night, I think it was like theiously bad it was the uh um so the first night i think it was like the

first weekends i was hosting and uh i was all excited you know but i was like nervous too i think it might have been my second weekend at the club maybe and uh um i was like i want to like take it seriously and then like i even downloaded bobby slayton cd before the that week before the show just so i'd be like oh i wonder if he's gonna do any material from this or if it's gonna be different you know you're like all hyped on comedy and you're like yeah i want to see like the craft of it and what he's working on so i bought his cd and then thursday he uh is the first night of the show there's 30 people there like and the room holds like three hundred some so it was real bad and uh he came in and i was like oh hey mr slate i'm josh i'm hosting and like as he was like walking past me he never broke

stride he just goes yeah yeah yeah and like waves me off i'm like oh okay yeah and then i was like all right maybe he's in a bad mood like this you know you're on the road this is not ideal there's no one here and then he's like missing the rest of the time so i don't know his credits or anything and uh i ask him like finally like mike's wrapping up and like i was all nervous too as a host i'm like oh i don't know where the headliner is i don't want to bother him he comes out of the bathroom doing that we do you think he was doing Blow? Oh, yeah, because he was in there before every set. And then I go, hey, Mr. Slayton, he just got the light. He's about to get off.

Any credits? Mr. Slayton. I think probably. Or like, hey, Bobby. Yeah, it was definitely like nervous energy of like, yeah, I want this to go well. And I was like, do you have any credits? He's like, yeah, you want my fucking credits? Here you go. yeah it was definitely like nervous energy of like yeah i want this to go well and uh i was like do you have any credits he's like yeah you want my fucking credits here you go uh my merch didn't show up my wife's a cunt robin's dead and i don't give a fuck i'm like oh you want me to say

in that order oh this is a week and robin williams died it was the like week or two after jesus yeah robin's dead my wife's a cunt it's like oh he's like i had to do radio this morning that sucked like okay you just want me to say that in the mic or yeah but then after the show he was in the back bar and i was like hey i was like hey bobby good set and uh it's like really really, really nice to meet you. I got your CD earlier this week. And he goes, what fucking CD? And I was like, I think it's called Born Bobby.

He goes, that's not a CD. That's a DVD. I did that with Showtime. And I was like, I bought the album. So I don't know. He goes,

those motherfuckers, they owe me money. They told me they weren't making a CD and like started just cussing and walking away. I'm like, all right, I'll see you tomorrow.

And like, he doesn't perform anymore. Really? i don't know i mean he was also like in his 60s too like he's older you know like he he was one of those guys it was like hey what the fuck then was like i think he was at like the hooters casino he had a residency there he was like one of those guys were like if he saw like an Asian person in the crowd. Yes. He was just like hardcore to start making. Yeah. I mean, calling people. So he was great.

But I mean, there were parts of the words. Yeah. Shane Gillis is filling those shoes. Yeah. He's the new Pitbull of comedy. But yeah, he was just such an asshole the whole fucking weekend. That sucks. Yeah.

That sucks. There was one time it was I uh i think yeah i was getting i think i had just gotten off stage and then uh i think it was the second show friday i just got off the stage and finazzo was on stage and i was going back in the green room and then bobby was walking out of the green room and yeah it was the second show because he goes he goes how are they and i was like oh they're good man i think they're a little more loose than like, you know, the first crowd. Maybe they're like just getting off work and they're like a little like tensed up. But this crowd, they're really loose.

It's great. He goes, why don't you fucking tell me how comedy works? And I was like, all right, man. Well, what'd you ask, you whore? Also, yeah, exactly. What am I supposed to say? I don't know, Mr. Satan. You tell me.

Why don't you tell me how Cali works? Jesus. And he was just, it was all stuff like that. And his whole act was like, my wife's a cunt. And then, so by Saturday, I was like, man, fuck this guy. And then, so we were sitting in the green room. And it's just like kind of awkward silence. And I think Mike was like, so like, Bobby, what'd you do today?

And he's like, a little bit of this and that emails and i was like do you miss your wife did he laugh no he goes don't get cute yeah fuck those people man oh it was it was oh and he also did this shitty bit to the each time that i brought him up on stage you do the handshake you're like all right give it over bobby slayton and clapping he's coming on stage as the host you shake the headliner's hand you get off stage each time he would shake my hand and then like pull me back to the mic and he's like give it up for this guy i love this guy he's one of my really good friends what's your name again like off mic every time every time and i'm like all right god and then i think on saturday i was like bobby'm going to pretend to forget your name this night.

He's like, don't fucking do that. All right. You've been a barrel of laughs, Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been really fun. Damn. What a bummer. Yeah.

It was a good time. What are you going to do? Look at us now. Look at us now crushing it, huh? Homeowners in Baltimore. There you go. You know? Yeah.

How was your Christmas? Christmas? What? Christmas was fun, man. crushing it huh homeowners in baltimore there you go you know yeah how's your how's your christmas uh christmas was christmas was fun man yeah yeah it was it was fun we went to uh actually karen's uh it's kind of weird because it's like she's a little older but it's karen's cousin like it's her cousin but both of her the cousins kids are going to clemson university oh wow so there's like a 20 year or like maybe 15 uh year gap there yeah um but yeah they're really cool they were they were a lot of fun and uh there was a little bit of drama which was fun oh i love drama yeah and that's it everybody was saying like man we haven't had a drama christmas like ever this is nice uh but it was so like minor drama so you know ken and lynn right yes all right uh also um so lynn lynn and ken are a little older but they're both so so so nice yeah um

and i was i think i was in the kitchen i was like grabbing a beer and i saw lynn who is karen's aunt talking to karen and uh lynn said something like i could see on karen's face she was just like kind of like trying to smile but also like what the fuck so i went over and we were chatting and then like after like that broke up it was like what were you guys talking about like before that she was like lynn was like, what were you guys talking about? Like before that? She was like, Lynn was like, how are you doing, Karen? Because last time I saw you, you were not doing well. What? And she goes, she's like, what do you mean?

I'm all right. She's like, you sure of everything? Because it seems like emotionally, it just seems, you weren't well, right? She's like, what the fuck are you talking? Just like trying to trash somebody, but like trying to be nice. That's like what the fuck are you talking just like trying to trash somebody but like trying to be nice that's amazing old people are great yeah and so uh but so we're all like sitting at the table and uh it was actually pretty fun and then uh um karen's uncle um who is actually the grandpa of the kids that go to Clemson, he gets up and I think he starts bringing some of the dishes into the kitchen.

And then it's like, and it was kind of like we had just gotten done too, but it was like, all right, yeah, take the plates in there, go for it. And then I think Lynn got up to help and Jim, who's like such a sweetheart of a guy, and he goes, well well it took you long enough lynn or something like that like just an innocuous joke the husband uh uh jim is that's her brother oh god that's her so karen's uncle and then karen's so jim and lynn are brother sister yes yeah yeah brother sister so jim said something to lynn of like ah took you long enough or

something like that yeah it's like a very innocuous joke. She goes, I'm working on it, James. And everybody calls him Jim. And she was heated. Damn. He came back with a relax and then she was like, mm-mm. He's like, what's up, her pussy? Yeah.

No. She was just so, yeah, she was heated. And then she's like, Ken, start the car. We're going. Ken was like, can we have dessert? She's like, start the car. Whoa, they left? They left.

Are they not on good terms? Like, before that, were there some drama? But there's got to be something behind that. I know. Well, I mean, they're also... But they're brother and sister. Dude, next year, Karen has got to go to Lynn and be like, Are you okay?

Because last year, you just emotionally... Menopause. Pre-perimenopause. Yeah, you just seemed emotionally fragile. You were a bit of a mess. Yeah. No. Yeah.

And it's also, Ken is such a nice guy. He's like guy he's like oh okay yeah ken's just like this hippie dude long ponytail long hair ponytail yeah he used to teach in inner city before it was segregated i don't think he has a ponytail anymore oh oh sorry but he taught in the he probably did he taught in the he taught in like black schools before they were desegregated. Desegregated, yeah. Then he, when the schools... Desegregated? Yes. Okay, yeah. He taught when the schools were segregated.

And then when they desegregated, he moved to the school with his kids. Yeah. That's insane. He's awesome. For an old... For a white guy to do that back then? Yeah. Holy shit. He's such a sweet... He's such a nice guy. He's just like For an old, for a white guy to do that back then? Yeah. Holy shit.

He's such a sweet, he's such a nice guy. He's just like, oh, look. So cool. And like, there were a couple times too where he's just like, Josh, you're working out, huh? And I'm like, hey, thanks, buddy. Thanks. Nice.

It was funny. We were sitting in like the living room watching TV or something. And it was like four or five of us. And Ken just goes, Josh, last time. Yeah, he did a thing too. He's like, last time I saw you, I think you were too nice. I don't know if that's good for your comedy. And I was like, well, fuck you, Ken.

That was fun. He's cool. But yeah, we were sitting next to each other at the dinner table. And everybody was talking like some religious thing. And Ken leans over. He's like, should I say that i've been reading uh god's not real by richard dawkins i was like no i read that book yeah oh i sure yeah yeah ken's a good good good good egg he's a he's a good egg i like lynn too but i yeah but i mean they've been brother

and sister for like 60 plus years so i don't know what's behind yeah that's so funny but yeah everybody was just like wow some drama there but to. But to put it in the context, though, what made it so funny is, so Jim is the father of Karen's cousin, and then the cousin has kids, so he's a grandpa. Yeah. And so we're sitting in the living room, and they're like 19 or 20, but everybody's like, what happened? One of the kids goes, Lynn yelled at my grandpa.

Lynn yelled at my grandpa. That's so fucking funny. And everybody's like, this is pretty cool. A little drama. Does that, how old is the guy that Lynn yelled at? 60 plus. That's Karen's cousin, right? right uh no uncle uh uncle yeah yeah so karen so yeah karen's mom has a brother and a sister so that's jim and lynn and i don't know

i think jim's the oldest i think and his grandkids are like 1920 yeah that's crazy because i bet you to them that 60 year old guy seems is really old. Yeah. And now to us is not that old. Right, right. That's crazy. Well, that's why it was so funny to me because they go, she yelled at my grandpa. Yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah, shit.

This person's a grandfather. Like watching somebody like your angry aunt yell at your grandpa. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. But yeah, other than that, it was great, man. Good food. 19-year-old, yeah. Good food. There was allegedly a vape around, which was funny. Oh. yeah yeah wow but yeah other than that it was great man good 19 year old yeah good food there

was allegedly a vape around which was funny uh uh yeah it was uh it was fun yeah joe and joan was like you guys were vaping just in the living room i was like yep future is now that's that's what's up yeah karen karen so her cousin's husband he was really funny about it he was like he was like yeah when you guys came over thanksgiving and let me hit the vape and then you guys left and i was in the basement and i was like oh no i don't want to go upstairs everybody's gonna know i can't say anything at dinner else everybody's gonna know i'm high and i'm like wow it just never goes away like oh yeah you're in your 40s you have kids in college and you're like oh man i can't say anything oh he probably doesn't want his kids to know no they were right there they're i mean they're in college

you know yeah that's so funny like when your kids get to that like i remember my friend's parents like once like we got to a certain age like all right here's the real us. We smoke weed. We drink every night and we talk like this. Yeah. It's just so funny. My friend's dad would say the N word like he shouldn't be saying it. Yeah. He would say it like I remember his like what time we were just I think I was like 15. Yeah.

And we're eating dinner and his dad was drunk. I looking back on it now. He's probably also stoned. Oh, wow. And we were having breakfast for dinner and his mom who drunk i looking back on it now he's probably also stoned oh wow and uh we were having breakfast for dinner and his mom who's just like super sweet oh and then also like i remember like we would uh when we found out he smoked pot and like he's like oh yeah like your mom makes me like weed brownies and stuff but she doesn't do drugs she's just like this sweet

homemaker oh that's awesome sure honey i'll figure out how to make you yeah best of both worlds yeah and so she was like hey do you want some more pancakes and he just goes uh n word please he just kept saying and his mom was getting so mad like so mad because it was making it and she's like hen you can't teach these kids that okay it's not funny cut it out i swear to god you gotta cut it out so then uh but to him he's not being racist no no and he grew up in baltimore and he's like no he's not right no racist bone in this guy's body he's like a woke dude and yeah whatever but he's just doing a bit yeah doing a bit and uh and so like it sucks because she has to play the bad cop was the

world sitting at dinner and we're like we're right, all right, calm down, calm down. And, you know, and so, like, and he's like, all right, guys, come on, whatever. And then she said something else. I can't remember. She said something else. And then he just hit her. Like, there was, like, a silent. He punched her?

No. Yeah. And then he just. So, then there's, like like a silence because she was mad and she was yelling at him and then he good timing yeah then he just like like the like we're all quiet we're like oh shit this is getting tense like what's he gonna say and he just drops another n-word please and then we but i mean we all started like she just left she walked to the bedroom we all just started dying laughing wow

later he like comes up like tries to cuddle she's like no yeah yeah you were having fun down there weren't you and it was funny because like they're good like really good parents like he's like super great dude and uh yeah he's like he's just like a dude who's super funny and uh right has a good time and uh but like because he would like you know he would take us to see r-rated movies and like it was great like yeah and uh and and he would always be like guys like you know you can joke around like this here but like in school blah blah blah around girls blah blah blah but uh that's got to a point where like you know we're kids so we're just like this is a cool house we can cuss and like so it got to to a point where they had to sit us down and have a talk like,

guys, you can't talk like this in front of my wife and stuff. Yeah. I was just like, all right, that makes sense. Kind of taking it too far. Yeah, we took it. We abused it way too hardcore. That was always weird going to the one kid's house where you're like, you're smoking cigarettes in your room?

Oh, yeah. Like, wow, there are no rules here. Yeah. And then you look back on like i had a kid i never was friends with him but he was friends with my best friend and he was a real piece of shit like he was like a bully and um yeah like you know he's this kid who just like his parents like didn't care that he smoked weed and right like they were just like just do it in our house they didn't care that they drank just do it in our house. They didn't care that they drank. Just do it in our house. And yeah, that kid's in jail right now for child pornography.

Well, he was just doing it in his house. Was he? That was his defense. I never download a child pornography into like a Panera or nothing. My mom said just fuck kids in my bedroom and it's fine. Where am I supposed to download kiddie porn? Yeah. If not my house.

I thought this was America. Just do it where it's safe, honey. Yeah. Honey. Do it to the kids I babysit. I know they don't have AIDS. Yeah. Okay.

All right. All right. NDA. If you kids are doing child porn, you are not driving tonight, okay? Yeah. Those are the worst parents. Yeah. Yeah.

You're just like, yeah, just do it in our house. It's like what do you what if someone dies what if someone got alcohol poisoning had to be rushed to the hospital and then parents are like what the fuck are you doing not even alcohol poisoning it's like a little tipsy and you slip hit your head on the fucking coffee table or something you know what i mean and then they go and yeah then they have booze in their system or whatever yeah oh what a gamble yeah yeah no i uh yeah it was weird my i had some of that with my mom where it was like yeah eventually became uh oh really like well at the time you're like she's a cool mom yeah and then

you get older you're a kid you get older and you're like woo boy yeah like you're a loser of a person i don't know if i would have smoked weed with my 14 year old son i don't know that would have been my move yeah i knew a lot of kids like like i remember the first time i went over i went to like a bad middle school like it was a ghetto pretty ghetto middle school yeah jim taught there right huh jim taught there right yeah and uh one of my best uh friends was like this white trash kid but in my head i didn't have this concept of like yeah white trash right right right right and it was really just like like his his family was like kind of like like like like old hamden families and south baltimore like fed hill like the way yeah yeah super baltimore yeah super nice people right. Right. But his sister, both his sisters still lived at home.

They both had kids when they were teenagers. A lot of tattoos. My friend started getting tattoos in high school. Anyway, so it was the first time. Because I grew up in a neighborhood where all the families are middle, upper middle class, educated. So there's a lot of rules a lot of structure yeah you were like literally in a cul-de-sac right yeah exactly literally grew up in a cul-de-sac and uh i went over his house and he's like fuck you mom what the fuck is this man fuck that and she's like honey calm down she's like i just thought we should invite umar i don't know yeah get the fuck out yeah so it's just so funny it's just like like it's just completely normal

yeah and now like as someone who works with like youth like from like lower income homes and you know you're just like oh yeah this is just like there's just no rules around cussing it's so funny there's no rule like his parents talk like that in front of us at school because to them it's not like a bad thing yeah and i have to try to teach kids i'm like that's it's considered unprofessional you can't talk like that like it's just i'm picturing you're like you're like sit down dude i gotta talk to you all right dude bro hey listen all right it was funny a kid uh did an impression of me the other day he literally sat down on a chair and put his feet up on another

chair he's like man this how you be all day hey dude hey bro yeah hey yeah yeah i just yeah at my both my offices i just uh but it's like not? If you have to sit and write, just put your feet up. Yeah. I mean, it looks so unprofessional. Sure. But also, it's much more comfortable. So comfortable. Didn't a kid say something about your coffee breath the other day?

Oh, yeah. I was doing... This kid who gets... He's such a sweetheart. I don't need to go into his background, but it's real sad. Like, real sad. And if you knew what he went through, it just makes no sense that this kid is this, like, little sweet boy. He's just, like, a normal...

Like, he just sounds like a normal fourth grader. Yeah. Whereas, like, every other fourth grader is, like, hardened, sounds like an adult. Yeah. And so he just has, like, these anger issues sometimes, and he hates it. So we're just kind of talking about anger and, like, how to deal with it. with it that sucks too because then you get mad that you're mad and like yeah not knowing how to process it yeah and uh and oh and so i work on him with his reading also and so he's like really he loves reading like when he gets because we can track like how well like this time you read

this many words last time you read this many words you're making progress oh that's so cool he loves it and so cool so uh but one time he had like gotten a fight and we were just talking about like how to avoid it how to calm down when you're frustrated and we're doing deep breathing so i breathe i demonstrated and i blew like in his direction he was like oh mr khan your hot coffee breath burned my nose and then so i was like oh man i'm sorry and he was he's a fourth third grader so he's being super genuine yeah he's like can i uh blow my nose before i try and i had coffee breath like i drink coffee all day and sometimes i don't brush my teeth in the morning because i'm running late sure so it might have been probably one of those days right and i had indian food that day what the fuck oh man it was poor kid you're like and then i stopped washing my clothes i don't know what to do yeah my beard was full of jelly yeah

um i'm just wearing a beanie yeah yeah sometimes i forget to take off my beanie because it's just so comfortable like when you're bald you just forget you're just like it's comfortable even if you're not cold yeah you're you're outwardly living as a shaved head man now oh yeah i'm gonna perform shaved head today oh oh yeah yeah gin and jokes is tonight um no jokes yeah i keep uh mostly just gin then tonight gin no jokes jokes yeah um yeah i the couple of times that i've made a mistake shaving my head, I couldn't stop doing that either. Just like touching.

Oh, it feels great. Karen said that to me yesterday. She's like, dude, you've been rubbing and all I do is just rub my head. Yeah. If you don't have your hat on, you're rubbing that melon there. Oh, dude. Like shining up like a bowling ball. Yeah.

I did it for myself the first time. Uh-huh. And yeah, it's nice. You didn't go to the barbershop and get fresh out of the chair? Mm-mm. Really? I get fresh out of the chair? Mm-mm. Really? Just fresh out of my bathroom. Ooh, okay.

So what are you, just a buzzer? Mm-hmm. I put a guard on it and then I put like the smallest one on it because it cost, I thought he would start charging me less. Same. Same. So, and I tipped $10 on a $15 cut or $20 cut. Yeah.

So, it's a good tip. Yeah. And I don't want to pay $60 a month to go, you know, if I go twice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm still going to go once a month. Right. I didn't think about it because most haircuts are like, yeah, every month or two or three.

Well, I was going, yeah, when you're going bald, you have to go more frequently because it looks bad when it grows out. How ironic. Brutal. Certain parts grow out more than because it looks bad when it grows out. How ironic. Certain parts grow out more than other parts. Less hair, more haircuts? Wow. What a country. Yeah.

And so, yeah. So anyway, you got to go more. But you shave your head. And if you're not bicking it, I'm not bicking it yet. You have to go even more. Like my brother used to go. My brother goes once a week, I think. Is he bald bald?

He bicks it. His head's big. My brother goes once a week, I think. Is he bald? He bics it. His head's big. But he goes and gets someone to do it. That looks so scary when you get to the back of your head with the bic. So I don't want to do that yet. And I don't have to do that yet, I think. But yeah, so you have to go more because in a week, this will look bad. Right, right, right.

So you got to shape it up. Yeah, so I was like, fuck it. I'm going to do it myself. But it is a mess. Oh, oh man it's a big mess well in the bathroom oh yeah yeah i've seen your pubes uh remnants not in the bathroom but remember uh one time so umar's room when we used to live together was on the second floor and his window that might have been my body hair yeah well i was saying pubes or whatever it was yeah whatever it was it was still funny but it was like i went out on the deck so his window was right over the deck and then there's a bench below that but it's two stories

so i went to let the dog out and i look over the bench and it's just covered in hair and i was like what the what happened here and i was like i looked up in your windows i was like oh so yeah you must have shaved something open the window just threw it out because you can't throw it down the drain it's real bad for the drone hair is brutal for the drain yeah and i was like i'm gonna put this in the trash can it's like that's weird it'll just fucking it could you know like if like it falls or something it's just weird yeah i'm just like i just yeah i think i took it i took a picture and sent it to you like is this you you're like dude i'm sorry yeah and then after i lived uh on a house where i had a balcony that was the best

oh yeah open it just fucking bring my towel out it just blows all over the neighbor's yard imagine you're walking to work or something and you're just like oh man i'm late oh what is all this just a cloud of it just hits you yeah dude man it's so funny because i was talking about this the other day with somebody like yeah where maybe like 10 15 years ago if a guy like manscaped wore nice shoes clothes always made sure his outfits were like kind of like clean and proper fashionable called a metrosexual yes which is just people calling you gay oh yeah isn't it funny that was a thing like oh you're taking care of yourself as a man yeah oh you're not just wearing a free like i don't know like Mountain Dew t-shirt. I never understood metrosexual. I was like, wait, they're fucking on the train?

I don't understand. Why is it metro? Metropolitan, I guess? Probably metropolitan. Maybe they're just saying, like, you're so clean cut, but they're saying, like, they're calling you gay. That's what it is. Sure, yeah.

Which is so silly. But also, I think, yeah, then that term was around, and, like, even, you know, yeah, your aunt would be like, did you know there are metro yeah actuals out there and fun yeah but i think guys were going like too far with it too of like the eyebrow shaping oh really well i mean what you would see like actually what you would see like on the news or like here's the new trend and you know the guy's like i like to wax my nose or whatever yeah like that's when like argyle sweaters were big oof yeah bad look kanye was

i used to have argyle sweaters i don't think i ever had one oh good for you and argyle socks argyle socks are cool yeah yeah i think argyle really died though for yeah it's not really a thing and it was it was a little punk for a while it was a hot pink billy joe wearing a some argyle oh yeah you know a little rock and roll yeah no uh shane gillis i remember making fun of me when i would see him at mcgoobies he's like yeah you and your friend are dressed nice you guys dress really nice like hey all right so we don't have a sweatshirt and fucking camo pants but that used to be like even if you watch tv back in the day like even the early 2000s like if it's a comedy special or if it's just like a tv show like yeah

guys just dressed bad like everyone we wore ill-fitted clothes because it was gay to wear clothes that fit your body well big clothes were just cool i mean big clothes were cool yeah look at uh i wonder if somebody has like a tumblr of this or an instagram page or something but like if you look at um nba or nfl drafts from like the early mid 90s they are so funny oh yeah it's like these kids that are like 19 they're 6 5 and they weigh like 180 pounds and their suits are made for like shaquille o'neal they're so fucking big i'm so glad big suits aren't in it like literally hanging over the shoe and shit like that like super that's something i never understood were um like how we hated baggy clothes and we associate that with like you know like black

people and dogs and prison and uh but then our suits like our formal attire the shirts are like parachutes you have to tuck it like so much our pants are parachute and then like it took a while like slim fit suits didn't become a thing until like the late like i would say like like i don't know like the two like the early early aughts early aughts. Like maybe even like 2010 around there. Late aughts. Yeah. Even when I was getting my suit for weddings and stuff over the summer, I was like, yeah, I want it to be like a little more form fitting.

It's like, oh, the modern fit. Like, I guess. Yeah. I want a suit that fits me. Well, you went to like an old school. That's an old, like that's where like older men go. Joseph A. Bank. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. it fits me well you went to like an old school that's an old like that's where like older men joseph a bank yeah yeah yeah like um i remember i got i had to get a suit because i didn't own a suit until i was 22 i think yeah and i had to get a suit for phd interviews yeah and uh didn't

work out so the suit didn't help but uh i had to go and i was like looking and i hated all the suits because they all like fit so and I wanted a skinny suit. Yeah. Like really expensive if you go to the night stores like J.Crew and I didn't make money at this time. Right. I wasn't going to drop like $800 on a J.Crew suit. I would do that now.

Dude, my suit now, the one that I is $30 pair of pants and a $16 jacket. Yeah. From H&M. Yeah. And I look fine. I forget how much mine were, but I was like, fuck it. I yeah it's fine i got two of them so i found this one company at macy's and my suit is it's called an extreme fitting extreme they're extreme fitted yeah yeah but if you wear it now it's not that extreme fit it still looks pretty big. It doesn't look that fucking tight.

Right. And they were like, are you sure you want to wear this for an interview? Should we make it a little? I was like, no, I like it. And the people who work there are like, are you sure? I guess kids like it these days. Yeah, yeah. They thought it looked stupid.

That's kind of how mine was. Yeah, I had an old tailor, too. He's like, oh, jeez. OK, all right. We'll make it tighter. Yeah, that's why. Yeah, I'm going to go to like uh what's that place called where you send they'll measure you and they do it custom to your and it's cheap

it's like 200 hustler club hustler larry but anyway there's a place in tyson's corner yeah i'm gonna do it i know you're talking about yeah yeah because i think you can probably do that at any suit store it's basically paid yeah but theirs are like they are like a new hip younger modern got it yeah fuck i think i lost the card that had all my measurements on it oh well whatever um yeah but you had a good new year's oh yeah you did the shows right yeah good new year wait how much time do we have left uh we're at about an hour oh shit well we can say these stories for next time no nobody wants to hear a New Year's Eve story. Oh, that's true.

My New Year's Eve story went crazy. I just did two shows in Lorton, Virginia. Yeah. Which is kind of like nowhere. It feels like the middle of nowhere. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's such a fun venue, though. It's weird because you also, not to toot our own horns or anything, but you have to be a pretty decent comedian to do well.

Even though they're really fun crowds, I think you can't go into that room unless you can learn how to play to that room because it is all old old white people like i did a seven a seven o'clock show on new year's eve yeah dude i counted like four walkers yeah okay yeah when the last time i did it wasn't that old but i will say it's yeah it's like 40 is the average 40 at the first show i would say like 50 well new year's eve i think it's a different animal because especially an early show of like yeah it's we're gonna celebrate and they're like all right i'll be in bed by nine but not only they're like they're yeah even like in an average night when it's not news even runs like an older white crap older working class white class republican yeah 100 trump republic yeah yeah and so like you know

but the first time i ever did the show i was like holy shit i fucking murder so weird uh-huh you have you can't talk about politics so like that is the weird thing unless you're like you can make a little reference to and kind of tip your hat to it a little bit but i think if you're like let's dig in you know like no yeah you can't do trump stuff yeah even what's well all right so before the show the headliner is this woman kat radley who is a writer for the daily show yeah i told her i told her i loved her no big deal she's great yeah oh yeah you told that story on the pod yeah she was like a little worried because she grew up right there. Right. And so her family came to the show and she was like, oh, man, like, how's this going to go?

And me and Tim were like, you know, you're going to be fine. They love jokes. They want jokes. Just they do not want to hear about politics. Like, they don't want your opinion on anything, which is fair. I don't. I think I might run in the same vein, like, unless it funny, it's annoying to be told what's wrong with the world. Yes, agreed.

Yeah. I mean, especially politics stuff, it's so down your throat every moment of the day. And it's done a lot. Yeah. And it's New Year's Eve. It's a celebratory night. So Ramin sent out earlier that day, sent out like you know, Ramin loves an email.

Ramin loves an email, loves a good post, a long lengthy post. So he sent out like a lengthy like, thank you so much for doing this. Just keep in mind like these are the most expensive tickets of the year. The $45 tickets. Isn't that nuts? Like once me and

I found that out at that night because i don't check ticket prices sure and tim found out that night we were like are we 45 dollars worth we're not are we 45 dollar comedians i will say in lorton yes yeah and so both the shows are sold out and that room holds like 125 140 people or something both Both sold out. First show was good. I didn't do that. Like I did fine, not great. I did good. But there were a lot of oohs. Yeah.

And a lot of like I think like oh, and I knew. I even said before the joke and Tim told me he's like, yeah, you can't do that. You can't be like you're going to hate this and then do it because then it gives them room to hate it. Yeah. And so I did my. You're planting that seed for them. I did ass eating eating my ass eating joke which is my new closer but i didn't close with it but it was it it didn't bomb but it didn't

do well yeah and then i like say but eating show some respect yeah and then i uh i went uh kind of i like pushing so i was just like i picked an older lady i like i was like you ever get your ass eating ma'am and uh usually in a normal room it destroys yeah did pretty much got nothing yeah and then so i moved on and then tim was on stage just making fun of me he's like a school counselor eating ass now that is something i just like kept going that i can see him too like leaning on the mic like yeah or lean on the mic stand rather and then uh and then he has a joke where he says the word semen the whole crowd goes like he just said the naughtiest word yeah and then the second show was fire because it was like the normal younger old white people yeah so it was like what it was

what like 9 30 or 9 30 show dude just i mean every like i fucking murdered tim murdered cat like just knocked it out of the park yeah it was like one of the shows were like each it just gets better and better yeah and it was heightening great it was... Keeps heightening. Great. It was awesome. Nice. It was so fun. Yeah. But then the drive home was a bummer because I left at like 1110. Yeah. I was rushing home because I was like, Karen, stay awake. We'll go out.

We'll get a drink or two. And so... Because, you know, it's cool to make good money. It's probably the best paid night of the year for comedians. Yeah. And probably performers in general. Right. Right.

Right. Because no one wants to work. Yeah then you're alone yeah i was in my car it turned midnight when i'm in my car yeah i'm just driving and i'm like this kind of sucks yeah and then to make it worse i get to like 395 which overlooks downtown baltimore around like 12 20 and fireworks are going off like all like 360 almost yeah and it just spells out fuck you omar yeah and it's just like it's just a reminder like everyone's having a good time having fun they're with their friends significant others and i'm like why did i do this they're kissing at midnight i'm never doing and then so karen i meet up at rocket to venus and it was just a shit show

well i gotta say i mean service oh sure but i have to say i mean bonus points for karen be like all right yeah meet me after that's cool she stayed up and like what is a trooper uber there on new year's eve it's not not not cheap not cheap surging i bet she was like at like some rich dude's house in in like canton she was like it's a 750 000 home uh-huh free booze free food that's a good night what the hell yeah that's wild yeah but uh that was my new year's it was good not bad yeah one drink came home good times watch tv passed out nice we just uh yeah we were in the poconos um so that's in Pennsylvania, and that's where fireworks are legal. And so we lit off like some real fireworks.

My buddy Jason, he bought this thing. It's called like America Strong and had like 40 different things in it that shot out. And like the cover of it was like a muscly hand holding an American flag. It was like American Strong. It was like this is going to be great. So yeah, we lit that off like shortly after midnight and played, God, I forget the name of the song, but I think it's in a Space Odyssey. But it was like,

It was like this big epic music we had playing while like fireworks went off. It was so fun. Nice, man. And me and my buddy Scott, we had some kind of runner joke of saying that fireworks make us come. So what made you guys pick there? Well, because they're coming from New York. Oh, it's a good meet. Yeah.

How long does it take to get to the Poconos? Like three hours. That's not bad. Yeah. And then for them, I think it was a little under three hours. Our buddies Noah and Katie, though, they drive from Maine. It took them like seven plus hours oh my god why not just fly i don't know i mean i also i don't know what airport they would get

into they would have to fly into philly and then like drive or something it's worth it though yeah next year all i want to do is hang out with friends yeah it was great it's not fun to be alone because it was cool we got there sunday left wednesday morning so it was like a few days you know go bowling hang out i mean it sucked that it rained but yeah it was it was fun yeah because it's a cool like it's an outdoorsy place right you go hiking and shit yeah i mean we're gonna try i mean that's right yeah um we even tried to go to a place it was an overlooked like overlook the hills and nature no dude it it finally stopped raining and we go to this overlook and i shit you not it's like five feet off the ground it was like what the fuck is this what it's called an overlook and literally you had to look

up like what is this why that's right yeah yeah it was it was a mess but uh but no it was so fun uh me and scott were a little buzzed on Good Times. You fell off the overlook. Yeah. No, but when the fireworks were like, I need y'all to light some fireworks. They make me cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, it was a lot of fun.

Yeah, fireworks. I love fireworks, man. It was really great. Katie, she got this really funny thing. It was like a rooster that had um a balloon so it like looks it's like a paper rooster and then it had a fuse in the front and the fuse goes off in the front and then the air from that fills up a balloon out of the chicken's ass all right it was pretty good i like that pretty good yeah we made some food hung out it was nice man it was pretty nice dude

it's pretty nice but yeah i think unless somebody's like here's hundreds and hundreds of dollars to do a show yeah i think i know my price and uh still got paid very of course of course but the drive everything else you're like yeah if they'll make that then i'm like all right cool yeah but yeah fuck fuck anything else fuck anything else that's a good note to go out on. Happy New Year's, everybody. Let's see. Four more years. Yeah.

Anything to plug here? I don't feel like plugging. I'm tired. All right. Go ahead. Are you doing 50 First Jokes? Yes. All right. When is that?

That's this Wednesday. Oh, shit. I'll be doing a show called Perfect Liars Club. Where's that? It's at the Comedy Loft. All right. So, yeah. I'll be doing a show called Perfect Liars Club. Where's that? It's at the Comedy Loft. So yeah, I'll be doing that on Wednesday. I think that starts at 7.30 on the 8th. And then I'm going to run over to the DC Draft House for the 51st jokes.

I'm going to try to get there at like 9. Yeah. But yeah, that's where comedians tell their first joke of the year. And there's 50 of us. And yeah, it's a lot of fun it's nice um yeah i think that's all i've got going on this someone's gonna make a lot of money off of her first joke yeah that's true we're gonna get paid nothing that is true and then at the end of the month i'll be featuring at mcgoobies uh january 30th and february 1st, I believe. For whom? Some lady. Nice. She's good.

Really good. Nice. I'll be there. I'll be out somewhere. Just follow me. Yeah, throw out your... Umar Khan 821, baby. Pow, pow, pow.

Instagram is pretty much the only thing I do. Yeah. Follow me at Josh Caderno on Instagram. And I'll tweet occasionally. All right. And yeah, we appreciate you guys listening. We'll get you a business card. Don't you worry if you come out to a show.

David Kackner, take us out. Bye-bye. All right. Happy New Year. All right. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. 🎵