The Digression Sessions - Ep. 307 - Tim Dillon! (@TimJDillon)

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar get to sit down with the great Tim Dillon! in the green room between shows this past Saturday to talk Timonium, MD, the upcoming election, and America's decline! He's hosts the great podcast, The Tim Dillon Show, makes hilarious sketches, and is an incredible comedian. Check him out! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Oh, this is my buddy Nolan. Hey, dude. The boy, Nolan. We were joking about Nolan's outfit, like he looks like an uber fan of yours. It's like, Tim, I have so many ideas. I'm not even going to do pictures right now because I just hate them.

Oh, you hate it that much? I just hate them. I just didn't like them. Well, welcome to Timonium, Tim. What was the first thing where you're like, oh, this is trouble? It's not trouble. They're not. I don't know who these people are.

When I look at an audience, sometimes I'm I, I don't know who these people are. When I look at an audience, sometimes I'm worried if I don't know who they are. Yeah. I'm like, what, what, what are you? Where do you come from?

Yeah. Why are you dressed like you're dressed? Like what, what are you? And I don't know how to relate to you. I started shitting on Timonium. That did not go well. Really? Yeah.

They were kind of weird about that. I was shitting on the area. They were kind of weird about that, but in a on the area. They were kind of weird about that. But in a fun way, like, hey, I'm shit. This is shit. I'm glad we're here together. Because what people have here, I think, is like, oh, look at this L.A. guy coming in. Because people here.

L.A. guy? Could anyone look like an L.A. guy less than me? He doesn't sound like it either, yeah. Oh, I guess. No, I don't know. Yeah, where do you find the kale around here, Timonium? This place is trash. This is not.

This is a lower level of human being. I mean, this is not. I mean, let's be very honest here. This is not a prime human being. I don't want too prime. I don't want super prime Ivy Leaguers. Yeah, you like Florida. That's your bread and butter.

I want blue collar people that are dark. They're not really dark here. No. They don't get into dark stuff. I like dark. They're not really dark here. They don't get into dark stuff. I like dark. I want blue collar but smart and stuff. They want silly here. They want farts.

Do you poop? Do you go poopy? I go shit. You shit. That's kind of what they want. This guy knows what I'm talking about. He poops. They don't want politics at all. You touch on that a lot, this crowd, they don't want politics at all. And you touch on that a lot, I think. You don't pick a side.

No. You don't pick a side, but they don't want it. Do they not want it? Because I think they think Bush is running. I really do. I really don't think they have. I don't think they have. I've got to be honest with you.

I believe the reading level in that room was third grade. Oh, yeah. Probably a third grade reading level. Yeah. And this, I mean, it's a lovely room, and I love all the people. But, you know, it's also my fault for not being famous enough to bring out all of my fans. Yeah. Did you open with heroin again?

I bet you a lot of their kids are strung out on heroin. I opened with that. That got a laugh. Oh, really? The heroin thing got a laugh. You know what it was, man? It was like, it was just, there were certain moments where I'm also sick and I'm not into it as much.

I'm like, I have a cold. I'm like. Yeah. I just am sick and I feel like shit. I'm just traveling and beating the shit out of myself. And I'm just like, and I've been eating like shit, the crab cakes at Sam's. So I'm just like, I don't want to be doing this. Yeah.

And they are like, they have to really, you got to massage them into like. Yeah. You got to make them into like. Yeah. You got to make that effort. I was doing jokes about the Russians on Facebook and stuff. I just feel like they're not, they don't even know that's a thing. Like, I'm not saying the Russians are on Facebook. What I'm doing is a joke like, hey, all the people seen as Russia, it's my crazy aunt. And I think they're like, what?

I don't even know what you're. I think a lot of people in the audience are your crazy aunt. Like in the, in the bit, you're like, who, who, who is these posts for? Where it's like, Donald Trump's good. It's like, I bet that's a lot of their in the audience are your crazy aunt like in the in the bit you're like who who who is these posts for where it's like donald trump's good it's like i bet that's a lot of their facebook wall it's like yeah i love our president it's like yeah okay uh one time after i finished doing a set here uh somebody came up to me and they said hey man you're pretty funny for a brown guy so like that's the level okay umar i meant it as a compliment you know what i mean all right i was trying to be nice do you understand yeah so that's like the level of like, you know. Yeah, it's a very weird town.

Does somebody need something? Somebody's opening the door. I think we're good. Hey, hey. Hey. Oh, you're fine. You're good. We're just hanging.

You're good. I wonder how many tickets are sold to Mark. If there's not a lot, I'd love to bail. I'd love to just apologize and say, pay me less. Let's not do a show for seven people. You know? With the Ravens. Not a lot. I'd love to bail. I'd love to just apologize. Say pay me less. Let's not do a show for seven people. Wow. With the Ravens. Well, with the Ravens, listen, if we're going to get totally fucked by the game.

Yeah. I mean, and this is all, dude. All people have here is sports. This is hilarious. This is all they have to live for. This is what we were talking about last night when we started comedy. I feel like, let's say, this is just like almost like staring into the the future of like a comedian you know it's just like if you keep doing it it's like man i

would love to do the road and tim's like can we just get the fuck out yeah well i mean i just listen man here's the thing if i was playing a place and that place had a huge fucking event the night i was playing and nobody's gonna come and it's like i totally get it yeah i also like should we do the show for nine people or should we just hey say we've had a lot of fun and we apologize i would say no i mean it really depends on on you know where it's at with the sale but i'm not famous i'm not gonna bring out a crowd yeah right you know the rate i think i think i'm not i don't know who's gonna beat the ravens but you better be fucking really famous yeah absolutely yeah i think you rebrand it and you're like let's just give a local headliner a shot tomorrow huh i'll get out of here that might be the move yeah let's give maddie b matt brown a shot i've probably sold enough tickets where i have to do it but

you think so yeah damn dude i don't know we'll see what going to do? Yeah. So how much have you been touring? Has it been more? I've been out a lot. I've been two to three weekends a month. Is it what you thought it was going to be? The best part about you is when I met you, you gave me – and it was very helpful. Yeah. Because I was like, I want to do comedy, and you're like, you don't want to do comedy.

Right. And I was like, you're like, let's be honest. You're not going to want to do comedy. And I was like, you're like, let's be honest. You're not going to move to New York. And I was like, you're right. Here's your two-year plan. You're going to do the road, book some shows, open mics, go out, fuck a bunch of random people. Then you're going to wake up in a hotel room next to a stranger. And you're going to be like, I'm done.

I remember saying that. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to buy a house. But I didn't quit. But I reframed what comedy is to me. What the goal is. I'm sure you like it better now. Oh, I love it way more.

I love it way more. Yeah. Because it's just like, I'm not going to make this a career. Yeah. Because you meet people who, I mean, like, you know, you hear this. Yeah. Well, I mean, listen, as much as I complain, I also make a really good amount of money. You do make good money. To do anything I want. Yeah. I can do anything I want. Yeah. Well, I mean, listen, as much as I complain, I also make a really good amount of money. You do make good money.

To do anything I want. Yeah. I can do anything I want. Yeah. I don't know many people that luxury. Yeah. Totally. I never have to answer to anyone.

There's no boss. I never have to wake up at a certain time unless I have the thing to do. Right. I can do whatever I want. And creatively, I can do whatever inspires me and I get paid to do it. That's the fucking dream. Yeah. But I'm also honest about like, yeah, there's fucking downsides and there's wear and tear

and everything like that. But I guess from when you started to like where you are now, is it what you thought it was going to be? Like, what did you think it was going to be when you started? I was kind of, I knew what it was. Really? How did you have that in you? Because I was an actor as a kid and I knew what that was.

Yeah. So you toured around as a- Yeah. I toured around as a kid And I knew what that was So you toured around Yeah I toured around as a little kid I was in 6th grade and I was in this Broadway show That went around the country Which show? Annie Get Your Gun It was some fucking western bullshit He could have said anything and you wouldn't know

Oh okay Was it a lot of money? No But see this is what I figured out It's not a lot mean, was it a lot of money? No. No, that's, but see, this is what I figured out. It's not a lot. None of it's a lot of money. There is no money. There's stripper money.

Yeah. There's big money when you're big. Right. But there's not, there is no money until people give a shit. Right. And then also, I realized that like, fuck, oh, I was like, oh, I'll be Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I was like a good looking little kid. Like, I was like a hot little kid when I was like, oh, I'll be Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I was like a good-looking little kid.

Like, I was like a hot little kid. I cannot believe I didn't get fucked. I'm like, these casting directors. What? I got some real cucks as casting directors. You know what I mean? Yeah, does that offend you? You're like, you didn't go after me?

Yeah, so, but the thing is, like. And you tried to get fucked. I was trying to work. You're like, whoops, I dropped my pencil again. Yeah, that tip didn't understand the whole Me Too movie. Like, I thought this was show business. There's still no Me Too for kids. No one cares about kids.

There's Me Too for fat women with blogs. There's no Me Too for kids. Yeah, Tim is a kid. He's like, molest Me Too, please. Yeah, tragically, no one cares about kids. They don't write blogs. They don't write articles in New York Magazine. Ronan Farrow's not interviewing kids.

So the reality is, but I was like, oh shit, the majority of comedy, the majority, not comedy, the majority is not, like Jonathan Taylor Thomas is like, these people perform every night in a different show,

in a beautiful theater, but nobody gives a shit about them. They barely have any money for rent. They twirl all over the place and fucking they're hoping that someday someone will care. And know maybe probably most likely no one ever will and it's just they fucking love it and there's something amazing and beautiful and and fucking real and authentic about doing that yeah you also i i understood what comedy was and i also

was a mortgage guy during the mortgage you did sub did subprime loans. You gave subprime loans to people, right? Absolutely. He had one too, right? Subprime loans were the only loans. Yeah. That's the thing. The only loans were subprime loans. There was no such thing as FHA conventional.

Subprime actually didn't cause a crash either. Subprime loans didn't cause a crash. We just like blaming black people. It actually didn't cause a crash. The majority of defaults were on Alt-A paper loans, meaning people with decent credit who just take out a lot more money than they should have all day long yeah it was actually spec development condos in places like new york florida and vegas oh i did hear that because people were trying to buy them and then turn them around and sell them quickly but we

like to blame poor people yeah that have your complexion for everything so so subprime by the way was maybe five percent of the market was a very small percent of everything. So subprime, by the way, was maybe 5% of the market. It was a very small percent of the market. Is subprime arms? Is that the adjustable rate mortgage? Yeah, well, that was the other thing. They were adjustable rate mortgages, but the subprime meant no income verification, very bad credit.

Subprime actually was a lot more than just that, right? Yeah. It was a lot of products that were created to disguise how much a house costs. Whether it was an adjustable rate that would be a fixed rate for two years, and then you'd pay your mortgage back at a 4% or 3.5%, and then it would adjust to 7%, and your payment would triple. Right. Yeah. A loan like that, so you'd have two years of stability,

and then it would just float with the market. Or whether it was a loan where you would just pay interest, and then when the principal re-amortized, it would fuck you up. It would be so big. Yeah, but I mean everybody was in that game. Like when people say subprime mortgages, they say like I was slinging crack. But the reality was that was what everybody was getting, a loan that was an adjustable rate.

And in your head, you're not like, I'm fucking these people over. No one is. No one is because, number one, I took a loan for myself. Number one, everyone that I worked with had these loans. I was handing out business cards to my family. The president of the United States was going, yeah, 70% of people own their own home. No, it wasn't like a boiler room where you're pumping fake stocks. That's what everyone makes it sound like.

But you know what this is. Everybody's like, oh, but listen, were there instances of predatory lending and shit like that? Yeah, but Americans are greedy pigs

who want money. This is a country of criminals. Some people are good at being criminals. Some people are bad. It is though. I mean, our history is criminal.

Some people are good at being criminals and work on Wall Street. Some people are bad at being criminals and they get a bank to lend them 80 grand and then they go fucking eat it

at fucking Applebee's. Whatever it is apple it's just different levels of credit you these people just wanted the money they knew they couldn't afford it yeah so and by the way good for them like calling them victims can you imagine if you went to another country and said these people are victims and you go what are you a victim of getting a hundred grand i shouldn't have gotten can you imagine like in the historic sense of what a fucking victim is? Yeah, you go to a slave in China. Hey, I'm a victim. Why? We're the same.

We're the same. I got 150 grand. I used to live in a cul-de-sac. I get it. I didn't own for three years. Then they kicked me out. Getting into that dude was big because then I was like, I swam in a pool I didn't own for three years. Then they kicked me out. You know what I mean? Yeah, slaves. But getting into that dude was big because then I was like,

oh, I, whatchamacallit, then I was like, oh, everything's fake. Yeah. So when that unraveled, I realized that a lot of things were fake. And then I was like, once I got into this, I was like, oh, if everything is fake, then this is fake. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right.

Of course you're going to have people that aren't that good or that you don't think are that good or whatever. Of course people are going to get things from. But you kind of realized that with Broadway. Didn't you have like... Because you're like a kid touring with broken adults, right? Yeah, sure. Was there like a moment where you're just really like, all these people are fucked up?

There's a moment, dude. You can walk in Harlem by Baptist Church and hear a girl that sang 10 times better than Beyonce and she's going to be broke for the rest of her life and you realize that shit is fucked. Talent doesn't really mean much. Right yeah and it's a fucking 10 other things that mean more than that yeah right realize that touring around with the show you can realize it just I saw some fucking very talented people I know some very funny people that for whatever

reason just you know it's like you know you just you have a realistic idea of what it was I kind of knew like when I got into it that it would be this amazing thing, but it would be like road clubs. I knew that's where I would be because everyone that I respected did that. Everyone that I liked did that. I knew I wasn't going to be like Harvard Lampoon, writer's room, all that shit. It was like I knew that I was going to be in a circus. So does starting in New York help that too

because you are rubbing elbows with people that are already doing that? So it's like, oh yeah. You've got to be in New York or LA, I think, if you want to have a career. Right, right. Unless you can launch like a massive podcast from another area, which you can.

Yeah. But if you want a career at stand-up or a stand-up adjacent thing or whatever, you've got to be in New York or LA. For the simple fact, you know, there's a lot, there's somebody on Facebook today I saw that was getting angry at comics or something because they they invited him to do a podcast they didn't they didn't treat him well they were late or whatever but it's also like but it was it was in vegas and stuff and you're like well but these are amateurs

and this is how they're going to behave so if you if you can't and you know this person who i like because i had also said to me like oh, what's cool about the scene here is that nobody's like a dick to each other, people are supportive, and nobody's like trying to take work from each other. It's like, yeah, but what comes with that laid back attitude is fucking amateur hour and people that don't really give a shit.

Yeah, not as professional. It's a little place that's a little more cutthroat or whatever. You don't feel as comfortable, and you're on your toes more. Those are where you're going to encounter the people that are going to make a living doing it. Yeah. Right.

Damn. So how long were you doing stand-up? Because you're from Long living doing it yeah right damn so how long were you doing stand-up because you're from long island right yeah so how long are you doing stand-up there before you moved into new york city proper i i was doing it for a few weeks before i drove into new york city did my first open mic and then i stayed in long island for about two years driving in and out of manhattan and then i finally moved to new york city gotcha gotcha so then how quickly were you on the road then not quick i was in new york for about a good five years and i would do road gigs every now and then but i was never so five years is for most people like you moved up yeah like you got your first netflix comedy central in one the same year. Six, seven years. Six, seven years. Yeah.

Today, that's unheard of, right? I don't know. I mean, I don't know. It's pretty quick, but you're where the industry is, too, though. Yeah. So it's like, you know. Yeah, I started at 25, and I worked really, really hard, and I kind of had a sense of humor at that point,

kind of sensibility of what I wanted to say. But I also knew that I had to do well at this because there wasn't really much else to do. At that point, at 25, you're going all in. And if you go all in and you're at that point, when I was 32, I maybe got, or 33, I got the Netflix thing. It was like seven years in, seven, eight years in. That felt to me like I got JFL at six years in,

six and a half years, and I started, things started to move in the right direction. Yeah, yeah. But that's the thing. And I know people that didn't get those things that are still, that are doing better than me. Like, there's all kinds of routes. You don't know what you're going to, where you're going to go.

It's always changing. But eventually something, you have to start, somebody has to start caring eventually. Yeah. That's what it comes down to. Somebody above you has to start caring. Somebody has to start caring. Damn. I was never a regular feature.

I was never on the road a lot. I was kind of planted in New York City. I would do road gigs here and there. I'd work a lot in the tri-state area. I'd take a bus to Boston.

I'd take a bus to D.C. I still don't consider that road. I would go do the big hunt, but I wouldn't say I was on the road like I was on the road. Yeah. To me,

the road is now, to me, more synonymous with a plane. Yeah. I'm getting on a plane. I'm flying to Texas. I'm going to Omaha.

I'm doing a weekend. Holiday Inn. Next to a gun range. You're eating crab cakes with strangers. Yes. Yes. Yeah. With losers at midnight.

Yeah. Right. Tim took us out for crab cakes last night. It was fun. He's a sweetheart. It was great. He's a sweetheart. Yeah.

Yeah. So, Tim, you stayed at our house, what, in 2017? Probably. Probably three years ago. That was great. Yeah. Because Umar had you on his show. That was a fun show.

And then he's like, hey, do you mind if the headliner stays at our house? I'm like, sure. Why not? Yeah. I think you just had bought it. Yeah. Yeah. It was great, though.

And then, yeah, I come home and Tim's on the couch. He's like, great house. Really nice. I was like, I like this guy. We stayed up until 4 a.m. just talking on the couch like we were having a sleepover like we were 12-year-old. That was fun.

That was great. That was so fun. Those are the funnest nights in comedy. Those are the funnest times. Yeah. They're actually much more fun than the Netflix things. Yeah.

It's a different kind of fun. The Netflix is pressure and then release. So that's great, right? You do something big. You do like a Rogan or you do something where you're like, I hope it goes well and then it goes well and then you take a breath and that is right? You do something big. You do like a Rogan, or you do something where you're like, I hope it goes well, and then it goes well,

and then you take a breath, and that is where you get the adrenaline rush and all that stuff, and that's great. Listen, that's great, but the fun, like that's not fun. The fun is the nights like that.

Yeah, the hangs are the best part. Those are the fun. Those are the fun, yeah. When everything else is done, too. It's like the show's over. Let's chill out. Yeah, and there's no stakes to any. You could have bombed it.

It wouldn't have mattered at all. No one would care except I'd be the only person that would care. Yeah, 100%. Even all the people at the show are like, yeah, it's $5. Who gives a fuck? Right. But even then, there are stakes at the show. Yes.

Because for me, there are stakes at the show. When you go back to the house and you hang out, there's no stakes. You've done it. It's worked. It went well. And then you can just move on you can chill yeah yeah no that that was a blast that was that was so cool we had we had a good time no yeah that's why it's been so great to see you like blow up and do really well since then good you know i mean there's there's always there's different degrees of it but i just gotta keep getting good shit out that people like and everything and you know keep uh keep moving in the direction of –

Yeah. I mean, you found your niche, though. You got like – Yeah. You got the Tim Dillon show. Yeah. You used to be way more into conspiracy theories than you are now. Well, what happened is that you get bored with conspiracy theories.

But then Epstein happens, and doesn't that make everything seem possible? I still believe in a lot of crazy shit. If Epstein is true, then almost it makes every other conspiracy. I'm with Umar. The earth is flat. You're right. I agree. Are you going to talk about it every week forever?

No. Can't really do anything. Advertisers love that stuff, right? Here's the thing. They don't mind. They don't care. Was it six minutes? Anyway, bluechew.com. Yeah. yeah advertisers love that stuff right was it anyway blue chew calm promo code Tim yeah you know you get bored yeah I just you hit a wall what are you gonna

talk you gonna talk about that's not my brand like I'm into him but my brand is humor yeah so there's there's yeah i don't and i don't even call it conspiracy theories i call it like fuck i don't believe what you're telling me yeah yeah and that'll always be my brand you know to an extent part of what i do but like i don't want to just talk about conspiracy theories forever yeah god bless the people who do there's more to life dude the same thing with politics it's just more to life i know politics at this point is a sport now there's more to life. Dude, the same thing with politics. It's just more to life. I know. Politics at this point is a sport now. There's more to life.

You're going to talk about Trump and Elizabeth Warren until you're dead. I mean, it's just there's more to life. Yeah, because it also gets you nowhere. You know what I mean? It's not advancing anything. Go join. I respect the hell out of the people who actually get involved. Go get involved.

Yeah. Go get involved. Go jump in head first. If you want to do Flyer, knock on doors.'t care you do it that's great your tweets not doing anything you're building your own personal brand isn't fucking doing anything yeah and uh you know that is what astonishes me about like uh instagram social media like we were talking about earlier like those people who want to teach, they'll use almost as if they're a teacher

and we're their students and they're telling us to be good people. No one responds to that, especially if you're opposed to that view. This is what you should recycle and they'll give you facts and shit. It's like, listen, bitch, I'm still using straws and I'm still just going to throw shit away where it's most convenient for me. That's it.

None of this. All it makes us do is hate you. Yes. All that does. I think it makes the other side dig in because, yeah, nobody with a camo hat is like, damn, man, you are right. I'm out of line, man. Yeah, that's true. This lady with purple hair and the nose piercing, really, wow, she really broke through.

Thank you. You're right. I'm just trash. You can't speak down to people and expect change from that. So no. Wow. We'll see. 2020.

2020. Speak down to me. I think it's going to be fun. I think the only the cool thing, it'll be fun to watch people cry again. People cried. People cried where I was. It'll be fun to watch Trump win and not do anything he said he was going to do. Yeah.

And you'll have an entire generation of people just like, they're going to be, people are like, oh, I shit on the boomers, but it's like the boomers became the boomers because,

you know, this is what happened. They believed in things too and then they got beaten. Because they were hippies, right? It's not like, it's going to get beat.

But also, don't you think, like, it's not like, everyone tries to pigeonhole like a generation, but it's just like, like,

anyone would have done what they did in that situation. Listen, there's 300 plus million people in this country that are incredibly different from each other in every meaningful way. Different abilities, aptitudes, values, sense of morality, right and wrong, religious beliefs, different territories, geography, all that shit. You're not going to get them to all agree on anything ever. You're not like Thomas Sowell said, there's no solutions, there's only trade-offs. I don't know who that is. He's an economist. Whatever good thing you do will just cause unintended consequences. And I'm all for it.

I'm all for Medicare for all. I'm all for it. I'm all for like, Medicare for all. I'm all for it. I think healthcare is a fucking organized crime. But I'm very realistic about the country as a whole and where we are. We're a late stage empire. It's happened to Britain. It happened to France. It happened everywhere. We're extended all over the world.

We've got $20 trillion in debt. We have automation and AI coming. We have a morbidly obese, drugged up population that is not really qualified to do the jobs that are coming in. It's what it is. It is. Yeah, absolutely. It's not going back to what people think it was where it's like 2.5 kids, a picket fence, a dog. Yeah, no way.

No, I mean the future is global megacities, pandemics, climate change, civil unrest, political corruption. You're already starting to see the ruling class lose power. Trump's victory. You're seeing the ruling class. Boris Johnson, all these guys. The ruling class is losing power in these countries and starting to terrify them. Things like the Epstein scandal, all this stuff is evidence of the erosion of the elite. You don't think there's a reset?

You don't think Trump is like a blip in this and there's a reset after it? No, because of technology. Because of the way that we live now. I don't think that there'll be a reset. I think there could be a little detente if you got somebody in there. It's not going to be as crazy as it is every day with somebody like Trump. But Trump is not the the problem he's the result of the problem yes he is a problem

yeah but he is the result of years and years of a of an oligarchy that just looted the country and threw people overboard and lied and cheated and stole and and and and and there was just such anger boiling under the surface that they elected Donald Trump. So when Trump leaves, that anger's got to go somewhere because all those problems aren't fixed. Right, right.

Yeah, and automation's just going to make it worse, too. It's going to be hard. I mean, it's going to be harder. All of these things are harder. I know. And I think the Democrats, suicidally, are running on identity politics, and they're running on, like, all of these things that are are not good I think you do need a border I think it's horrible

if you ignore immigration you allow Donald Trump to demagogue the issue and enact cruel policies that hurt people and families what you need to do is say okay well here's the policy here's the thing that should make sense that we're going to do opposed to that and make people feel comfortable in it and not run on just a platform of like identity politics. It just doesn't work. You have to fucking win. Yeah. And but again, even if they won, I'm very realistic about like this is what it is. You know, I mean, and it's not going to happen tomorrow.

Great Britain still called Great Britain. It takes a long time. They vote on a name change. But it's, you know, the show is over here. I don't know what evidence people need. So you think we're on the last legs of whatever this was? I mean, Donald Trump is the president. One of our major entertainers is the girl

who threatened to fight the audience on Dr. Phil. Do you want to see this country i mean where do we think it goes our biggest problem is morbid people are on scooters they're 600 pounds we have television shows about people that are 600 pounds yeah i mean what is the next phase of it it's a great question i mean what would the next phase of it? It's a great question. I mean, what would the next phase of this country look like? President bad baby, dude. I mean, you know. She's going to make it. I don't know.

I don't know. I have no clue. But it seems like every period of like every now and then there comes to this point where like everyone's like, this is it. This is a crumble. Right. And it just seems like. Well, that's the thing, too. This country has never been so divided.

It's like we did have a civil war. So it been more divided yeah but it is very bad but i think it is going to keep going there's going to be more people like trump people that are smarter too that like work the system a little better under clinton like when you like did you listen to that podcast uh slow burn slow burn on the like yeah felt pretty fucking divided yeah i mean i didn't live it because i was a child i mean you did live it like you couldn't do anything and the the whole all they wanted to do was get him out of office it's the same shit yeah so but the same thing with trump it's the same thing though democrats doing with or the same thing with obama the same thing democrats did yeah just how it always is i think it's just it's uh it's hypercharged too because you have Facebook now and you have, you know what I mean?

So you can stay in your bubble and you can put out fake videos too that are propaganda. And Bush launched two illegal wars. He has more blood on his hands than Trump. Bush is still worse than Trump. Don't tell the Magoobies audience that. Yeah. Don't tell them. But it just seems like-

Our current president did that? Trump just says shitty things. But Bush did way more shitty things. He set up this whole system of like, he's the reason that after 9-11, they passed that legislation so that Trump could do a... He has those war powers. War powers that he wouldn't have had before. But that was all Bush's administration. And Democrats signed it because they were like, we're patriots. Well, listen, no effects made songs about it.

That should have put him in his place. Green Day. Not my president. Just enjoy the end. I mean, you don't have any power. I have no power. That's true. I mean, I don't mind.

I'm not even trying. None of us have any power. I mean, here's the deal. I'm not even trying to make a difference. I mean, do a reality test. I'm not. I'm not. You're making of us have any power. I mean, here's the deal. I'm not even trying to make a difference. I mean, do a reality test. I'm not. I'm not. You're making more of a difference than other people with what you do.

With your job, yeah. Sure, but even that, I feel like you try, but what are the outcomes? I just, listen, I'm just trying to make people laugh. It's fun, whatever. At this point, I think that what are you going to tell people? Nothing. That's what I'm saying. There are no conspiracy theories.

They're all out in the open. That's the only reason I'm not into conspiracy theories. They're mainstream. Yeah. Epstein's the news. Like, it's the news now. It's not a conspiracy theory. Did you just see what happened today with Epstein's stuff?

No. The prison, the footage got accidentally deleted. Yeah. I thought the cameras were down or whatever. No, I'm shocked. No, they were accidentally deleted. No. Isn't it like they just lie to you?

It's also just so blatant. The whole thing is. But most of us are stupid and most of us believe it or don't care. No, no one believes it, but just no one cares. No one cares. Because here's the only reason there's not really riots in the streets is that people want too fat to walk. The economy is good.

A million people in scooters in the streets. The economy is good enough. You can still get a burger for a dollar. I mean, these things are very important when you think about why there's not more people in the streets. I mean, dead serious. You can still get a burger. Somebody can still hand you a burger through a window for a buck. You can still survive.

You should say that at the press conference. You can still have a phone. You can still have the internet. You can still watch people beat the shit out of each other at a Walmart on YouTube. And then eventually the cracks in the foundation will get wider and wider. And then people won't be as easily pacified. And who knows? I mean, who knows what the future is?

But I think there's going to be some real issues. Yeah. Do you think people will take to the streets eventually? I don't know if anyone will take the streets. Here's what I think there's going to be some real issues. Yeah. Do you think people will take to the streets eventually? I don't know if anyone will take to the streets. Here's what I think will happen. I think if things are getting so bad, if you had another 9-11 type event right now, you would not have any solidarity

because nobody would believe it. Yeah. Nobody would believe who did it. False flag. Half the people would be saying it was Trump who did it. Half the people would be saying it's, you know, this election of Trump and this friction that he has with the intelligence community

whatever you want to call it deep state or whatever it is a real thing to the extent that it is real is there's a lot of people that will tell you varying degrees of it however what I will say is it represents a deep fissure in what was a pretty unified

not always but a consistently unified, not always, but a consistently unified national security apparatus where now you have a president who's kind of throwing the FBI and CIA under the bus. That's a big deal. Yeah. I don't think that's ever happened, really. It's really not. Kennedy.

I was going to say JFK. And what happened to him? I wanted to get rid of the CIA. Let me tell you what happened. You don't know what happened to JFK? Well, they killed him. Working at Chili's. Oh, is that why people think they to him? You don't know what happened to JFK? Well, they killed him. Working at Chili's. Is that why people think they killed him?

Well, there's a whole mix of stuff. It's like mafia stuff, Cuba. JFK was planning to... I don't know any of this. He didn't want to go to Vietnam either. His parents are Pakistani. He was planning to kind of get rid of the CIA. There was a quote where he said,

I want to splinter it into a thousand pieces and give all the peacetime intelligence gathering capabilities of the CIA. There was a quote where he said, I want to splinter it into a thousand pieces and give all the peacetime intelligence gathering capabilities to the military. Now, the CIA was not happy with that, especially because the CIA, people don't know what the CIA even is. I know. I was just going to say,

we have multiple, so many intelligence agents. The CIA, essentially, historically, has been the muscle for America's and multinational corporations. So the CIA, what they really do is go into countries and they pave the way for American corporations to go in there and do whatever they want.

If that means arranging elections, backing terrorist groups to overthrow democratically elected people, assassinating them, kidnapping them. The CIA has done and will do. There's a book on this. Confessions of an economic hitman. Have you read that? I've read it.

There's many books on it. It's pretty well established that that's what the CIA does. In addition to other things. But that's what they do. They're here to protect American trade routes and the expansion of the American global business empire. American interests. And that's what they do. And that's what it is. If you leave the country and you talk to people from South America, they'll tell that's what they do and that's what

it is if you leave the country and you talk to people from south america they'll tell you exactly what they think yeah yeah because yeah it's happening guatemala chile it's iran thank god i live here dude yeah god yeah pretty lucky it's fucking tight dude yeah i mean for now homes and yeah having a life my parents could never imagine. It's fucking tight. Yeah. But yeah, that's why no one's rioting. Well, like he's saying, it's still good. It's still easy. It's like, man, they killed Epstein. What's on Netflix?

Yeah, dude. It's still easy. Chicken sandwiches. Let's talk about which is the best fucking chicken sandwich. Yeah, that's the war I'm interested in is the chicken sandwich war. It ends when the American dollar is no longer the reserve currency of the world. You're right. And that's when it starts to end

because that's when our ability to manage our debt will change. That's when our ability to do all these things, to finance wars and all that stuff are going to change. And then I think you'll see a de-escalation of the empire in a serious, noticeable way. Right. And I'm not an economist. I don't know the...

I've talked to people a lot smarter than me that can explain that. Yeah. But that seems to be when things will stop way right i'm not an economist i don't know that i've talked to people a lot smarter than me that can explain that yeah but that seems to be when things will stop the free uh ride or you know sub heavily subsidized ride we've been on will come to an end yeah that is the weird thing too we owe 20 trillion dollars to china china that's but that's the weird thing it's like why doesn't china just say pay us all us all of that back? Well, they need us as an economy with their largest trading partner. Gotcha.

I mean, you know. Yeah. Oh, sorry. We also don't have it, and we have a military. There's never been in his – I don't think there's been an empire with our military might that's been at our stage of decline. I don't know if I want to use the word decline, but our military is so big relative to everybody else that we're in an interest. The only thing that the dollar is kind of backed by is the American military power

and the idea that we will invade you. Right. Because, yeah, don't we have the biggest military budget where it's like the next four biggest countries, their military budgets combined don't even equal ours it's something insane like that yeah and the amount of bases we have and everything else like the the world's like like like less than one percent richest people they have more money than like oh yeah they have it all yeah who knows it's it's the same statistic it's yeah you know

a small like three people have all the money they have all the money right what are you gonna do yeah nothing and then the average income in russia is like 72 dollars like us dollars a year because we were talking about like all these issues with poverty and uh it's like god that would suck but we are so much closer to being that than like being you know rich like considered rich right wealthy well like real well like coke brother yeah fucking money where that was that was fun today to eat italian subs and be like you know here's the problem with poverty right now no one's when's the show start is there a waitress here a waiter all right should we wrap up let's wrap up right no i mean well it's a we could go a few minutes okay it's up to tim i just want to put in some

wings all right put some wings in bro yeah get it you're good uh yeah i think they're okay i think the food here is pretty decent for a comedy club yeah agreed great fish tacos are good so so uh so yeah getting back to like being on the road and stuff do you have do you have a goal is there like i only want to do this amount like of touring like this amount of weekends a month or i mean i just want to get you know i don't think there's a like etched out of my mind goal yeah yeah you gotta keep working get out there yeah you gotta keep working yeah just and just whatever just keep working dude and then you know who knows by the time i'm 40 i'd like to not be you know out there i cannot

be working all the time but who knows yeah it'd be nice to work with nice club owners too not like oh hey andrew hey good hey what's up i have a burger uh medium rare is fine American cheese. Can I get a medium rare cheeseburger for Tim? He would like his best. Pickles. Nice. Wow. Any other special requests? Fries?

Yeah, that's fine. Fries, and that's it. Thank you. If you have tomato, I'll be done. But yeah, there's no, I mean mean who knows what the goal is you know The goal is to just not Not be worked lumped in That's why I love the sketches that you're doing too

Which are great They're a good way to get attention and they're fun to make You just gotta make shit I have a head where I want to just make stuff that's funny So if you can do that You might get people to come and see you And listen to the podcast or whatever Yeah

Where are we at time wise? We are We're only at 37 I mean I don't know I feel like we're losing steam I feel Well yeah it just was so heavy too It is weird to be like

Yeah It's hard to Yeah Pivot from like The world's gonna end The world's ending No one cares about comedy That's the other thing

Yeah If you want anyone to listen to this ever No one cares No No no no True true true true When I like I listen to these podcasts

People interview comedians about comedy Yeah It's like no one Yeah No one cares about comedy Cause that's really only It's so fucked into the ground right it's and it's also so yeah it's only for other comedians comedy is not an impressive thing

to do it's not special it doesn't make you different it's embarrassing yeah you know what i would say that's true that is true it's like you know it's you know it's become an embarrassment to say you do, to be honest. What do you think makes it an embarrassment now? Because so many people do it and so many people suck and the people that write about it suck. Like, I like that it's kind of gone back underground. That's why podcasting is so cool because it's like fucking still cool. But like you see what the comedy they put. You see what Jimmy Fallon, Colbert and all the mainstream people do fucking

garbage dude right nobody wants this shit everybody's like this is garbage it's shoved down your throat it's it sucks it's milk toast yeah it really does seem this is the most mainstream comedies probably especially for the late night stuff like it's too like carpool karaoke and like who is joke about that sometimes where I'm like, I hope that he gets an accident. He has to sing with Miley Cyrus' severed head. It's like, oh my God. But he'll do that here.

They'll be like, I like carpool karaoke. I was just watching it before I came here. I love it. I love it. Yeah, Jimmy Fallon's awful, too, where it's like, me and Tom Cruise are going to play Connect Four.

I'm like, who is watching this? But millions of people, right? It's so weird to me, though. That doesn't appeal to me. People love, like, I don't know. I mean, I don't know. You look at the people

who are moving the most tickets are not the funniest people because no one, people want, people care about people. They don't, they're not like, oh oh this act is great like they're not like yeah you know they don't break down someone's act they're just like kevin hart seems like a cool person amy schumer uh-huh

who just gave her phone number to people on social media so they can call her and talk to her about pregnancy issues yeah well she's you know alumni of towson university that's true you know so yeah it's all good it's yeah it's it's insane um all right yeah well let's just wrap up let's do it we'll do it quickly this was a goal of mine to do thank you my parents were very excited when i told them i was gonna what's this called the digression sessions my parents were very excited when i said i'm gonna do the digression sessions yeah and they were like i were like you fucking do that nice dude do you have any questions for us um i know you've been waiting to do this so have you guys have you guys ever thought of killing yourself no have you guys ever thought of... Killing yourself. No. Have you guys ever thought of like...

I'm trying to think. Would you guys ever get a bunch of local... Because you guys know a bunch of local... Would you ever get a bunch of local comics together and all drink poison? I mean, sure. That would be a fun... And record it? We always talk about...

You guys are like best buddies. You guys really like each other. Yeah, we're good friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you hook up? No, I don't think so. If you were both single, would you hook up with the same girl? Interesting question.

You mean at the same time? Yeah, yeah. Just an interesting question. No way. Medium rare is good. Whatever works. Medium well? Medium rare is good. Whatever works. Medium rare. I just don't want to get sick.

I've never had a threesome. The devil's threesome. I don't think I could do it. I'm too self-conscious. You think the devil's mad about that? He's like, that's not me. Do you know people who've done that? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't think I could do it because I'm just like, oh, my dick's little. Yeah. And then like. Yeah, I'd be worried about the other guy like crushing it too. But if also like, okay, let's say like we're fucking the same girl. Yeah, let's.

Okay. But then like I come immediately. Right. Then what do I do? Do I hang out? I don't know what you do. Yeah. Do I leave?

Do I just go down to the person and eat a sandwich while you are still. Yeah, I think you're on the bench. You grab a Gatorade, you know, and I'll take over for a little bit. I just throw out words of encouragement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stretch it out, try to get loose. That would make me nervous. It's an interesting question.

It is an interesting- Would you do that? No. No? No. Why not? I don't know. Maybe I would.

I don't know. It's a hard thing to know. I think it's very specific to the actual moment that it's proposed. Yeah, what if there's like a... I don't think it's... It's almost a question you can't answer generally. Because it has to be the exact moment. I'll say this.

I would do it with other people, probably not you. A stranger, maybe, right? I wouldn't do it with a stranger. I would just do it with a loose acquaintance. Because i've thought about this before interesting because i've been at a bar before and we're like talking to like the same chick and i'm like i'm like i feel like maybe and i run this near my hand yeah i would do it i would do it because sometimes i'm like i don't know if i could have sex with a chick this hot unless it was this way and really yeah i just know him too well yeah because if i don't lose acquaintance i'm like fuck it he's dead to

me i'll never see him again right if it's weird and i'll just give up that friendship just to do this see yeah and then i'd be like all right well who's actually penetrating first too like that's a little like weird like you're trying to like edge the other guy out speaking of two kids just got caught uh having sex with a girl in my middle school jesus yeah but we can't say where i work but insane in the auditorium just oh at the school in the school yeah right after school that happened at my high school and i was like so what'd you guys do and they're like we just called their parents and then i was like imagine being a seventh grade girl and having to face your parents yeah like what conversely the dudes the dudes are like yo i crushed it that's my boy yeah but what do you say like you i guess like the parents probably you know they don't care at my high school the parents don't care yeah it's

happening because yes they don't care parents don't care, it's happening because they don't care. Parents don't care. Probably. That's what I'm saying. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. At my high school, two of the slower kids got caught having sex. Excuse me? Yeah. What's the term? Intellectually disabled? Okay. Well, that's what we used to call it.

Whatever you want to say. But yeah, they were having sex in the library. library here's the interesting about the word retarded you know how we're not supposed to say the word it's actually the medical where i know oh no no no it's not even that it's that yeah so no so obama i think like in 08 it changed to intellectual disability or like uh i never heard that well so the medical world is different than the school world so we follow legislation by the federal government anyway they change the intellectual disability got it no one knows what it means so you're not allowed to say the word retarded but like so every time i have

to tell people like so you know your student meets the criteria of a student with an intellectual disability they look at me like dumbfounded i'm like we used to call it mental retardation like oh okay so the it just it's so stupid that we do this because it means nothing that word intellectual disability means nothing you still have to use the word yeah it's worse because now you have to now you have to double down you're like what i'm saying is yeah yeah isn't that crazy i was just like damn this bizarre yeah do you get in trouble for saying mentally disabled or like mentally retarded yeah you it's not a good look like mentally down on you but like sometimes in those situations you just have to say it but like if like uh

if i'm just talking and i'm still not and i'm being professional and i say mental mentally retarded it's not good you get corrected it happens all the time gotcha because like the older generation of psychologists they still mentally retarded, it's not good. You get corrected. It happens all the time. Gotcha. Because the older generation of psychologists, they still say retarded. Yeah, good for them. Hey, they're the real people.

Good for them. Still just like an old... I like that. Yeah. They're not letting the fucking... I like it. They're like any other older generation.

Like, what is cis? I'm not saying cis, but there's still psychologists like, look, they're all retarded. Whatever. Yeah. I grew up saying retarded. there's still psychologists. Like, look, they're all retarded. Whatever. Yeah. I grew up saying retarded.

Fuck these retards. Yeah. All right, guys. Thanks for having me on. Yeah. Thanks, Tim. Thank you. Check out the Tim Dillon Show. Tim Dillon Show is great.

Check out the podcast. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Bye. Thanks, guys. You did that much?

I just hate them. I just didn't like them. Well, welcome to Timonium.