The Digression Sessions - Ep. 309 - Josh & Umar!

Episode Date: February 13, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on shows and dry January. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Tage Network. That's a Gotti. Hey now. Hey. I'm casting. I'm, uh, Umar's palatial estate. Hearing. Hamden, Baltimore.

Got some pictures on the wall. The place is still coming together uh dry january over umar it's over we got some whiskeys flowing flowing i had uh my first drink on saturday february 1st how'd it feel um it was great man not gonna lie drinking is fun it's very fun it's like the whole social vibe is amazing. Like when you don't drink. Yeah. It sucks because when you like my.

Big Rave just left it there. Like it sucks. It sucks. No. It really limits what you can do. Our society is built around. It's all adult life is just. Yeah.

Let's get a drink. Let's get a drink. So like Karen and I, if we're bored, we'll be like, let's just go life is just yeah let's get a drink let's get a drink so like karen and i if we're bored we'll be like ah let's just go to clavelle or let's go here and see where the night goes we'll just call up a friends or something yeah and uh and i got this new buddy dan and he's like he's like wait you have a new friend i got a new friend yeah you met him bald guy dan i don't think you introduced him as that but yeah i think you met him at a show uh when you open up for mark at gin and jokes oh yeah yeah he builds home he offered

me his vape that was yes which is actually funny bringing it full circle i was uh not drinking that month oh yeah parche march i was doing parche march and he heard me saying that to maybe it was saying it to you, and he's like, well, you can hit my vape if you want. Yeah. I was like, okay, stranger. But he's like a cool guy where he's like – he's a bachelor, definitely lives like a bachelor lifestyle, lives in Mount Vernon.

He's a regular at like some of the bars down there. So like when we hang out, like it's – he's like one of those guys where it's like you hang out, there's always going to be good times, always. He's buying one of those guys where it's like you hang out. There's always going to be good times. Always. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. He's buying rounds. Always.

Knows the bartenders. Free shots. And you never stay in one location. Got to keep it moving. And it's fun. It's fun to have those nights. He's a man about talent, as they say. Yeah.

So then Saturday, it's... Oh, well, so... But before that, I was saying like how you don't like... Like these last couple weekends, I just felt like they were boring and it was kind of my fault. Because Karen's like, well, what should we do? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what to do. Yeah. It really makes me feel for sober people though.

Like people that have to be sober. I'm like, God, that sucks. Well, some bars in Baltimore started doing feel for sober people, though, like people that have to be sober. I'm like, God, that sucks. Well, some bars in Baltimore started doing bars for sober people. They make cocktails without booze so you can socialize. That's one thing that we are going to do for our wedding. Yeah, that's cool. It's for the reception. So they were saying what they can do because you want to do like your own personal cocktail for everybody.

But they can make it so it's like the mix by itself. then all you need to do is add whiskey or oh yeah so you can have it without the alcohol and it's like oh that's great because yeah it's yeah it almost feels like a disability you're like oh oh sorry we should have had a ramp oh yeah you know like it's like oh Oops, sorry. Yeah. And yeah, so but then Friday, I was still sober, but because it was January 31st and Karen. Yeah, you have that extra day too where you're like. Yeah. And Karen had like a bunch of, Karen had like this work happy hour birthday party to go do. And she's like, do you want to come? It's in Canton.

I was like, no, I'm good. But then she kept sending me, she sent me a text like, people are asking about you. I'm like, babe, do you want to come it's in canton i was like no i'm good but then she kept sending me she sent me a text like people are asking about you i'm like babe do you want me to come she's like i'm just saying i'm like all right i'll come and is she she's buzzed she's like no this is like during the day while she's still at work oh okay okay but you could she wanted me to come so i can't and it was really fun okay so fun and then you know because normally i don't leave like hamden yeah and i'm like i gotta leave hamden more because we went to canton and in my head i'm like ah canton sucks but we went to some really cool bars yeah canton's got some good spots but i was sober we went i

missed the first place they went to they went to some brewery i've never heard of okay mob towners i don't know what it was and then the second place was chaucers have you been there yeah i think so yeah pretty cool place good burger probably i would say great burger you've been to alma cocina no wait maybe i don't know talk about cocktails and and oof yeah pretty good that's like a higher end restaurant right yeah but not too high yeah but yeah a little more. But it's funny because it's in the same shopping center as like an Outback Steakhouse. And it's like, oh, it might be a little rich for my blood.

So I'm not drinking. So I was at home and I left later because I wanted to work out. Sure. Got to get buff. Yeah, dude. For the happy hour. Oh, wait, no. I actually didn't end up.

I had to walk the dog. And so that took up my running time. You could have just left it. You're like, yeah, I actually didn't end up. I had to walk the dog. And so that took up my running time. You could have just left it. You're like, yeah, I got buff. Yeah. So I had some good times. Sure. Too much good times.

Way too much. During your sober time? Because I thought it was. Oh, I had to give up that. I had to. I caved. Okay. So it was a dry January, not a sober January.

Got it. Got it. Got it. Dude, you got it, got it. Dude, you can't. It's unreal to do both. Yeah, to get rid of both at the same time. Yeah, no, it's really hard. What fucked me was the playoff game.

The Ravens, because me and Evan and a bunch of people all went to Frazier's. And I was like, becausean did a part or drive january also yeah and i was like dude are you having good times and he was like bro yes like there's no way you gotta do and i was like all right well if you're gonna do that then i will too and then that one instance just threw me off the yeah i i don't think i could have made it through the month without something like you gotta have some gotta have something some type of indulgence and uh yeah but i only did it like a handful of times but so oh yeah and i so i was like borderline freaking out on the way to canton oh and i was like i gotta i'm gonna take an uber fuck this so i take an uber and i got a fucking chatty kathy uber driver and all i wanted to do was close my eyes and tell

myself everything's gonna be okay like it's fine it's all right but i got this guy who's from uh like egypt or somewhere and i couldn't understand what he was saying so i had to keep going like huh what oh yeah yeah and i don't even know what he was and i tried to like dude i was like bombing i was trying to be funny and i was bombing like because i was like he would say something you got one star review because in my head i'm like freaking out so in my head i'm like be normal just be your funny self yeah and i'm just bought like i remember he was like so uh he was just like uh you i don't know he's like what do you say he's like what do you uh you having a good night you're having you're gonna go have fun or blah blah and something i was like oh yeah man like i'm gonna go i'm going to this bar i didn't

want to go my girlfriend's making go and now i'm super stoned and i'm freaking out and he not said nothing and i'm like oh this guy thinks I'm a psycho. Yeah, he's like, you 100% don't have a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. He's like, oh, me? I'm just going to meet my girlfriend and all of her friends. And I'm pretending to be like the guy who's like, oh, you know women. Oh, geez. Oh, you know what I did?

I probably smoked too much marijuana. I've done it again. Yeah, so I'm like freaking out. And I'm like, fuck fuck dude this and he just keeps talking about like i don't even like just i can't i did i was like in a fog i don't even know but i just remember like oh so we're just talking about the weather and work and i'm like so is this what you do do you have another job he's like so i like it too that you're treating it like it's a set because you're like all right my material's bombing let's go into the crowd where do you work yeah like treating it like

all right crowd works got to save this set now it was bad yeah it's like so do you do you drive often or you're just doing this for a little bit of money yeah and so uh i get there to the bar and it was like, dude, it was 20 people that we were rolling with. Super fun. We went to Chaucer's. Then we went to Lee's. Have you been to Lee's? Lee's is fucking tight. And then we went to another bar and I can't remember what it was called.

But, dude, it was great. And I i was just like nice man this place is awesome like it's it wasn't we weren't by the square so it wasn't crazy yeah the square has a lot of like the not touristy but more like the broey like down the middle kind of like sports bars and stuff like that so it was just super chill i had a coffee at one of the bars and um people saw the bartender bringing a coffee over and all like that so it was just super chill i had a coffee at one of the bars and um people saw the bartender bringing a coffee over and i'll like you know karen so who got a coffee what idiot got a coffee and i'm like me and like oh is there bailey's in and i was like no i'm just i'm sober for one more day nerd yeah friggin nerd. Good, man. Yeah. So you made it. You made it through the month.

I made it. I did the whole month. Do you feel physically better? No, because I kind of get my eating under control. You look worse. I know. I got to get my eating under control. I was talking to Ev about that.

Dude, the pigging out still happened because of the good times. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's rocket fuel behind that. Yeah, I put on my under armor yesterday i looked in the mirror i was like oh my god this is disgusting man this is over armor i'm so fat yeah it was gross there's nothing like under armor to let you know you look like shit oh yeah yeah it's it's really like emphasizing because it can emphasize muscles but it can also be like oh look at these rolls chest is fine just the belly dude i can't i gotta stop eating yeah i gotta just stop eating after like seven o'clock interesting

which is impossible i tried to do nine o'clock and that just doesn't work i'm like nah dude i yeah so then we went out friday we uh i had like five drinks we went to like three different places. And in Fed Hill, super fun. You know, dude, like another place I never go to. Yeah, yeah. So this was Saturday. Saturday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we went to 1157.

Have you been there? Rings a bell. It was great. And then we hopped to some other dive bar. We did some shot of some shit that I've never had. And it tasted horrific. Yeah. It was bad.

Then we went to go see my friend's band play, and they were great. But then we had to leave after, like, three songs because we were all, like, fucked up. Yeah. Sorry. We were doing shots of Sambuca, dude. Yeah. Sorry, dude. Yeah.

I was like, man, so many cool places in this city. Like, I need to go to more places. Yeah. There's so many bars and also and in the age of uber too it's like why not like you don't have to drive i spent 30 on uber that night yeah and that was and then karen had to get us uber home like i got us ubers down there all the bar and i'm just like right i saw a comedian luis j gomez did you see his post today oh yeah about how much money in january alone oh he spent. In January alone. Oh, he spent two grand?

I thought that was for the year he spent two grand. Me too. It was just in January. That's bananas. Holy shit. Yeah. I was like, two grand? If you don't own a car, that's amazing. For the year, I was like, yeah, no car payment. Gas, insurance, monthly repairs, that makes so much sense.

But two grand a month in Ubering. In New York, that's insane. Where they have the two grand a month in ubering in new york that's insane where they have the best public transit making that much money he also goes to equinox too which is like 500 bucks a month or something crazy very interesting but anyway i mean i get it we we do that as well with like restaurants and bars and all that too much i told you yeah my discovery card was like hey man you spent 11 grand at restaurants. I was like, oh, my God. Holy shit. But, yeah, that counts like Starbucks and whatever, like little shit, too.

Crazy. Speaking of good times, though, this just made me think of- Man, speaking of things ending, Kobe's dead. We are not happy about it. No, definitely not. We are not Ari Shafir no no one gets that no uh maybe some people see what happened today to ari something happened today well they uh i think a lot of people like i knew because of people uh but in the comedy community announced his netflix specials canceled really? Because remember my buddy Tim that we met up at Magoobies? Yeah.

He works for breweries and stuff. He just texted me this morning. He's like, dude, I got tickets to see Ari's taping. And I told him, I was like, dude, I heard from an unnamed source that that's canceled. And he's like, well, they haven't said anything. And then three hours later, he sent me a screenshot of the email confirming that it was canceled. Damn. And then everyone was talking about it on Twitter.

But anyway. I mean, to be in your 40s and be like, man, I'm going to post an edgy thing. And like, why? What are you doing? Yeah. And for people who don't know, Ari Shafir is a comedian who, whenever somebody dies, even when one of his friends died, he'll post a joke, like a very mean joke about that person. Basically saying he's glad they're dead.

Yeah, but this time, I think he misread. He normally posts a tweet, too, but this time he did a video. He did a video and a tweet. He deleted the video, then put the tweet up, I think. But then the video was captured by somebody else. And the video is bad. It's really bad. It makes him look scummy.

He legit looks happy. But I think that's the bit. His persona. That's the bit that he's trying to do. And again, he has the right to do that and all that stuff. He does, yeah. Also, Netflix has the right to be like, sorry. Yeah.

We don't want to do that anymore. I feel bad for him. But it's also like, why? you do that i saw he posted it posted a thing and it was like well said and well thought out basically like saying why i did it and that he's sorry but i think he was forced to do it but yeah but also saying like you know people expect me to comment on celebrity deaths i'm like who even if it's true it has to be what like 40 people 100 people yeah because even some of his fans were like dude this is too much i'm not a fan anymore and also do you want a fan it's like how come you haven't made fun of kobe yet like

who cares no you don't want those people to be obviously not it's like children died like come on chris d'alia i thought had probably the best take on it i don't which is so surprising i didn't see what it was i don't ever listen to him but evan told me to listen to him and he was just saying like he was like he was like dude like you're a comedian like don't you want people in seats like why are you even going for that angle well that's what i'm saying too it's such an immature angle as well to be like i'm in this a fucked up thing i said i'm like you're in your 40s well dude when i was a young like younger like when i was younger and just getting into

comedy i do remember rushing to facebook to post a joke about when someone died yeah i remember posting jokes about um uh who's that singer who drowned uh whitney houston oh yeah yeah yeah like i posted a joke i was picturing like swimming i was like but yeah it wasn't like a mean-spirited joke but it was still a joke about someone who died and like every time that i would post because everyone we all did it yeah and now i look back on it i'm like god i wish i'd never it's gross yeah i mean i pitched a joke to hard times about it because they were asking for pitches and i pitch up the asher kobe jokes yeah wow what was yours uh it was the one that everybody did oh the passing one yeah i was like as a guy that spent his whole life trying to avoid passing past and that that's, I mean, I wasn't trying to be like, yeah, I'm glad he's dead.

But, I don't know. I think on one hand, it's like, if you're a comedian, not that it's your job to make fun of people. Yeah. But this does exist in the sense that, like, comedians do make fun of everything yeah it's kind of expected from a comedian i don't under i what i think it's weirder that people aren't more upset about is that the media's reaction like did you know that tmz reported his death before the family heard about it. I believe it. Yeah, before the police even had a chance to inform the family. That's kind of TMZ's rep, though. Like, TMZ broke that story immediately.

Yeah. That's crazy. That's way grosser to me than a joke. Oh, TMZ's disgusting. Like, because you're doing it for your, like, they are profiting off that. Yeah. Right? And they know it.

And they have no shame about it. Ari Shafir isn't profiting off his tweet. Right. I understand, like, you know. Yeah, in a way, yes. You're keeping attention. Well, in a roundabout way. Yeah.

That's way worse yeah no i mean it's weird yeah that like harvey levin gets a pass on that you know like because he's the dude that runs tmz yeah and he's all that gay dude that like is i don't i don't think that matters umar it doesn't matter i just i'm trying to put a face to the evil and it's you know how like a man because tmz has that stupid tv show that's what i'm picturing there's just like a gay guy like hanging over like somebody's cubicle like yeah what happened to kobe i'm picturing like sucking on the straw that dumb cup he has and he's like helicopter huh and it doesn't matter he's gay at all but just that is the exact type of person that would imagine running a company like TMZ.

Like, well, what did you dig up today about somebody's death? It's just like, what the fuck is happening? Did you catch somebody in a vulnerable moment? I really want to hear about it. Yeah, let's talk about it. Let's dish. Let's get camera crews in here and talk about it. Yeah, it's uh yeah pretty yeah when when he passed though i was at my dad's watching uh

watching boxing with my dad it was like he pre-recorded it yeah and he's like you want to watch box it was like yeah sure so we were watching it and then i was on my phone and uh i saw it on world star actually on instagram and i was like holy shit the saying that kobe died he goes no way wait how come it's not on the TV then? It would be everywhere. I'm like, I'm watching the DVR. And he's like, oh. You're just like, okay, boomer.

Yeah, okay, boomer. Okay. Yeah, it felt like it was fake when you first heard it. Well, yeah, helicopter crash. You just didn't see that coming. Because I saw it on Facebook and I was like, I think this is one of those fake things. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, someone, this is before this was even a thing like someone wrote that

mark hoppus died oh yeah like way too like and it looked that yeah so real for the listeners at home umar told me many times that was his 9-11 that was my yeah that was pre-9-11 that yeah that article was written and umar calls 9-11 And then he had to go on like, and this was before social media, I think. And then so he had to like, It might have been like MySpace, maybe.

Yeah, he had to like issue a statement saying like, I'm not dead, I'm at home eating pancakes right now. Like, I remember him saying that. And you were like,

whew. Yeah. And I was just like, why would someone do that? Get the likes, man. And then it happened more and more times,

but then stop and so i thought it was one of those things yeah yeah that's crazy pretty insane do you know that flight he was doing from like calabasas or whatever yeah it's like only there's two hours uh it's a two-hour drive and ricky gervais made fun of celebrities for doing that flight yeah because he was like you guys lecture everyone about um like emissions and global warming global warming but you guys don't want to sit in traffic for two hours so you take flights back and forth and i get it kobe's like a very busy guy and yeah blah blah and uh and not not that he deserves to die or anything but it's just uh okay okay no i'm not no because it's just... Okay. No, I'm not.

No, because it's going to come out. People are going to think I'm like, well, then he deserves it. But it's just like... No, yeah. It's just so the timing of it is crazy. Well, yeah. Well, they were saying too that... I don't know.

It's just weird to hear. It's like, yeah, Kobe loved his kids. So he made it a point that he was going to take helicopters so he could spend more time with his kids. And I'm like, all right, I guess. That's a nice spin from a publicist well it wasn't that nice of a spin yeah um anyway you i think we definitely took a bit oh yeah we definitely digressed uh a bit but yeah no it's a very sad man like and

also too it's like with with ari like, dude, just take a beat. You can't. Well, he posted that tweet before. Because it took, I think, like an hour or two for people to know that kids died in the crash. But you would have to know that other innocent. Well, he's also innocent. But other people died in that crash because you think Kobe's just flying a helicopter. Right, right, right, right.

No, when we were talking about good times, I figured out where I told you, I think I talked about it on the podcast, but allegedly my dad got an edible from a lady at work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was one of those things where it's like yeah i'm just gonna chill out just do a little bit of good times go to bed i think i came home from like doing shows in dc or something like that and i was like still a little bit wired but i want to go to bed yeah i have a little bit of this cookie and just go to bed and it just melted my brain oh my god i woke up and i because i think i talked about on here but just like a quick recap like i woke like i

was starting to have like really weird visions in my dreams and then i woke up and i because i think i talked about on here but just like a quick recap like i woke like i was starting to have like really weird visions in my dreams and then i woke up and i could hear like the internal workings of the fan and then i was like oh i'm like tripping oh yeah and i tried to go to bed and then it was just like wild visual to my eyes closed dude that happened to me before yeah and i was like whole i was like, what is in this cookie? Holy fuck. And I was like, all right, I'm just going to go to the bathroom, chill out, I'm going to go pee, splash a little water on my face, and then I was just gone.

So I told my dad about it. I was like, how much is in this cookie that this woman gave? He's like, it can't be that much. I found out this week, he talked to her, that batch, her friend made it and put 250 milligrams and made cookies god well you that gets divided up into like 30 cookies i don't know how many and also when you're making it home too it's like one cookie could have 30 milligrams one could have seven so i think maybe i just got like a really heavy cookie you can't fuck with the homemade

shit and i just thought it was some little lady at like you know at work that was like oh i make these from time to time everybody everybody does it yeah like i would say most co-workers that i interact with do it yeah like a majority and they have been for years that was the thing too like before it became like oh yeah yeah and now people just leave it out in their like i remember when i was young and my friends would find their dad's stash it would be like hidden like crazy yeah but now people it was like you're finding like heroin too oh 100 yeah my god but now people just like leave it out yeah well we don't have like kids and shit

but yeah yeah yeah yeah it's really crazy it's so weird to think about yeah we had a bong on the coffee table for the longest time yeah it's like but yeah what are you gonna do i don't know what do you what are you gonna do and then like when your parents got i had to like hide it real quick because i forgot like when my parents are coming i was like oh shit so i'm like it's like a sitcom i'm like my it's like a sitcom. I'm like, my mom's like looking at the kitchen. I'm just like scooting it. I put it like in the freezer.

Oh, don't look at the freezer. My friend got busted. Two of my friends got busted when we were in high school. My friend Ryan is like, I think my parents knew I was high last night. I was why he's like i was eating doritos i was like well that's normal like yeah doritos he's like i was eating them off the floor he like dropped him and then he went to pick him up and then he just put him in his mouth and once hilarious one time my friend rudy uh i he might have i don't know if he was boozing.

It might have been that. But the next day his mom was like, oh, that's a pretty funny thing you did. And he was like, what are you talking about? She's like, what you did in the kitchen? He's like, ah, like pretending. He's like, I know, right? Yeah.

She's like, yeah, that's so funny that you put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge. That's funny. He's like, yeah, that was a good bit. He was just fucked up. Like one of these goes in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge that's funny he's like yeah that's a good bit he was just fucked up like one of these goes in the thing the first time i drank i was uh i was 16 but i was like a straight edge kid yeah but all my friends started like drinking and smoking and i was like well i'm not doing that but then i started losing all of my friends like

my core because i grew up we had like this neighborhood we lived in like these cul-de-sacs courts or whatever yeah and it would just be like a group of like six or seven of us we hung out every day every weekend like all the neighbor yeah all the neighborhood kids we were all like it was so crazy we were so lucky we were all like the same age is the day you started boozing the day you thought mark hoppus died you're like yeah i'm dog oh i got a poor one i just have adam song blaring what's my age i never thought shit man um no so i was like 16 all my friends were like drinking and smoking and like and i had got my we all went to different high schools so i had my

own group of friends but they were all straight edge and right but i don't know whatever so i just started i was like fuck it i'll try it yeah and one of the i tried it only at like three times but the first time i was at my buddy ma my friend just in his mom's house his parents are divorced and uh we stole decided to get a dig in it was gonna get it goes on broken all the fun fact about that, years later, me and you were on... I think me and you were on this show, on a show together at Coco Lane. Yeah. And it was that show where stuff would just pop up behind you on a screen. Oh, you had to riff on...

Yeah. And that's where I got my closer from. Oh, really? I riffed the spanking spatula part of my spanking joke there which is a true story like my mom did you save me with a spatula and that's where then i even stretched that joke out into what it is now yeah that show was so fun she was at that show his mom uh-huh super wasted and like she's like i remember when we were younger she was's a hot mom. And yeah, she was so wasted, these tight leopard print pants. And I was just like, whoa, this is weird.

I just was like, oh, you're kind of a broken person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you just realize you're like, not that she's a bad person in a camp, but it's just like, oh, you're like not that she's a bad person and it can't but it's just like oh you're like kind of well like chasing high school yeah yeah because when you're young you're like oh you're cool like yeah party and then it's like at a certain age you kind of have to roll that back a little bit this makes sense but anyway so we're at her house but like real go ahead the shows that i did this weekend for uh leanne morgan oh yeah you should get into that little she's a she's 54 and so her crowd is a little older like

it's a lot of like wine o'clock people and uh a lot of gals and she was very funny backstage she was i was like damn like you sold so many tickets this is crazy like it looks nuts out there because when i got to the club the line was like way into the yeah i saw the picture that's yeah crazy for someone who we have never heard of she's sold she sold out every show uh three of four but she came close so in total she sold 1150 tickets to 1200 tickets that's like louis ck level yeah and it's like you're at mcgoo you should be doing a theater yeah like but she was like she's like i just i hope you have fun a lot of my fans they're like not comedy fans you know like they see me and they come out and i love and bless

their hearts but you're gonna see uh some gray hair and you're gonna see a lot of cheetah print out there cheetah print is definitely uh older lady vibe like yeah uh i had an older lady come to my school the other day to help us with something and she really nice but yeah just like she looks like she's she's about to be a grandmother yeah yeah and she's wearing cheetah print i'm like yeah because cheetah print to me when we were younger i i thought i always thought of it like you're kind of a whore slutty yeah right like remember in that movie road trip there was like a cheetah pant like the kind of there was a movie road trip with tom green where like the guy had to go like steal a videotape he sent his girl a sex or sex tape or something by accident yeah go get it yeah and then that one really skinny guy, DJ. Oh, yes.

He's in like a billion movies. What is his name? He's gay. He just came out as gay. Really? Yeah. Nice. Whatever.

But he hooked up with this fat black chick. You're really obsessed with that. Yeah. He's gay. He hooked up with this fat black chick in that movie, and he stole her underwear, and it was leopard print. Oh, yeah, yeah yeah and i just remember old like a lot of times like thong sticking out their leopard print like in movies and stuff

it meant like you're down for sex yeah like you're definitely down to fuck yeah there is a woman because i i would riff on that on stage i was like man look at all you guys wow leanne told me i'm gonna see a lot of cheetah print out here and they're like one woman just like slammed her leg yeah cheetah print fast cheetos are fast one fast and loose uh one woman just slammed her leg on the stage with like her cheetah print like tight leggings and i was like hey mom get your get your leg off the stage yeah yeah yeah that's great it was a lot of fun but even if you were just like i'm hard that would have killed but you couldn't because i couldn't yeah no because leanne's very clean oh yeah you should get into that but oh real quick so uh we're at my buddy's house i was 16

and we stole two beers from her and uh and a whole bottle of like wine Because she's like a mom who always has wine around. It's wine o'clock somewhere. I think she probably had a couple of glasses of wine every night. Yeah. And I just remember, so his room was in the basement. Oh, and he was so stupid. He was becoming a pothead. And he had Bob Marley posters and those felt posters that

if you put a black light to. Yeah, black light posters. And he thought it was like, I mean, for the time, his room was cool. But when you look back on it, you're like, oh, you're such a hack, dude. Well, it's a hot topic hack. It's like, do you even like Bob Marley, or you just think you should because you're smoking weed now? Yeah, he's like, check out this Jimmy Hendrix glow-in-the-dark poster.

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah and so i so we had to run upstairs to pee and we were running upstairs like constantly oh and the next morning his mom was like whoa you guys were like pissing like racehorses last night uh-huh and i oh no she said that to me while i ran up and i was drunk and i was like uh yeah what are you gonna do and like and i was like i wonder if she knew and just didn't care she must have known probably yeah right yeah well that was the thing too is like as a kid you just think you're like parents don't know about weed it's like they smoke weed all the time and i'm sure you're so obvious about it no but then it's weird because i always thought i always thought that i was just like because my parents they didn't do

any of that stuff. Like, my dad drank. Yeah. I don't know if he's ever smoked weed. He wouldn't tell me. They might not have. I mean, I bet he has, but not on a regular basis. They all did that shit.

Yeah. But then they would all, maybe you have to act surprised. Of course, yeah. But they would all be, like, so shocked. I'm like, what the fuck did you think your kids were doing? Like, if you do it still yeah and they're stealing it from you i have a friend whose dad would always have two gallon size ziploc bags of weed he had had he has like never paid for weed in his like that's

whole same high school and college career he would just steal weed from his dad and he figured out that his dad his dad owned like warehouses and a business and he thinks instead of charging a guy rent he would just give him that much weed all the right gotcha isn't it crazy that you're so deep into weed game that you would forego rent yeah just like hey give me weed give me some ziploc bags yeah it's like 200 bucks a month i don't care you know like whatever give me some yeah crazyoc bags. Yeah. It's like 200 bucks a month. I don't care. You know, like whatever. Give me some. Yeah. Crazy. But back then it was so hard to come by that that was probably a great deal. Of course.

Yeah. And then also if you are stealing it from your parents, it makes it a little tough because you can't be like, hey, you're stealing the thing that you should know about. It's a perfect. I heard somebody talking about this recently. Their friend is in insurance, but they only insure strip clubs. Yeah. talking about this recently their friend is in insurance but they only insure strip clubs yeah they never have to pay out because like nobody is ever like hey i broke my leg at the strip club it's like do you really want to file a claim and have your wife find out like where like i'm sure some of the strippers get hurt but like nobody that's like yeah i got in a fight at

the never mind don't worry about it great dude that's fucking great nobody's gonna file a claim yeah oh and then i was this i i yeah i only drank a handful of times when i was like 16 and i never liked it i just always thought it was stupid i always felt guilty uh-huh one time i was at a party like i'm a bad boy yeah i thought i was like i'm a like i'm a bad son my parents would hate me uh i'm gonna like become a high school dropout that's amazing because if you would tell your dad that he'd be like yes i'm killing it yeah i know you felt so guilty he's like god damn yeah dude that as well as we're crushing it but that stuff is still in my head now like sometimes i'm like what am i doing why am i living with uh a woman i'm not

married you know like you just feel these you feel guilty i'm picturing you telling this stuff to your uber driver he's like all right man yeah the guy that when you're too high you're like you know i mean what am i doing one time i was drunk and i told this uber driver he was like you muslim because he was muslim uh-huh and uh he was just we're talking about like stuff and i was like hey you know like it just looks like in the rear view he's like jihad jihad huh we started i was i can't remember who's i was just saying uh he asked me if i go to the mosque and stuff i was like now i'm an atheist and he's like oh and i was also very clearly drunk so he's judging me and i was like i was like you know your kids do all this stuff oh shit and uh yeah i just i was like i was like dude like if you raise your kids here i was like you gotta

understand and he didn't ask for this advice at all i'm just drunk i'm like bro you gotta understand you raise your kids here you gotta like give them freedom like because you want them to be able to come to you but it just came out like this you know you gotta fuck it man you don't even know yo let your daughter fuck bro yeah no i just kept telling i was like your daughter's gonna lie to you that she's not dating she's gonna change her outfits when she leaves the house right she's gonna drink she's gonna smoke she's gonna have sex before marriage like and it's all okay he's been parked in front of your house for 10 minutes he probably went home and like shipped his daughter back to pakistan i ruined this girl's life yeah she got in trouble she didn't even do anything yeah like what have

you been doing all night she's like homework he homework. He's like, my ass, homework. Yeah. You liar. Yeah. I remember one time me and my friend were, when I was in high school, we were playing Tony Hawk. That's me, the burb. The burbs. Living out in the burbs.

Speaking of living in the burbs, yeah, we were playing like Tony Hawk. Best video game ever. Yeah, we were playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 on the PlayStation 1. And, well, maybe it was Tony Hawk 3 on PS2. Anyway, we had this little one hitter. And then I would just like blow the smoke in my closet. And then I heard my dad come home while we're in the room. And where my room was was at the front of the house.

And it was just above the front door. So whenever the front door closed, like you could really hear it in the room and where my room was was at the front of the house and it was just above the front door so whenever the front door closed like you could really hear it in the yeah so like he parks goes to the door it seems like almost immediately door closes like felt like it rattled the house i was like and then he just heard footsteps go up the stairs and like in like half a second this all happened then a knock on the door me and my buddy are like what the fuck? Oh, shit. Like he knows.

How does he know? He just barked. How the fuck does he know? And so I open the door and he has a big bucket of KFC. God, that's perfect. And I was like, what's up? And he was holding two pieces of chicken too. Like he had the bucket in one arm and then he had the two pieces.

He's like, is this a wing or a drum? What do you think this is? And I was just like, I guess it's a wing. He's like, that drum what do you think this is and i was just like i guess it's a wing he's like that's what i thought and then like went downstairs and it's like oh i thought he brought you chicken well we could have some yeah but still like he just had two pieces of chicken he's like what is this it just looks and like i was like does he know is he fucking with us yeah but it was so great to get out of it too because it was just like isn't that crazy that just... I never did...

Like, I didn't smoke. I still don't. Right. If I did, it might have happened when I was 28. Yeah. I... At work, we have the... And I have a card.

Yeah. At work, we have the shitty drop ceilings. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. So, when I was there last week... Like the square, the rectangle... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That you can So when I was there last week, the square, the rectangle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Push up. Yeah, that you can push up.

So I threw a pencil in it on Thursday. And on Friday, people were like, hey, what's with that pencil? And I was like, listen, I'm upset. You're even asking me. I don't know about that pencil. And if you want to ask me about it again, ask my lawyer because I don't even know.

We have video cameras everywhere in school. So when kids deny stuff we're like oh we'll just check the tapes and they immediately uh yeah they immediately cave and they don't know how much of a bitch it would be to check the tapes yeah or if it even is on the tape yeah exactly we're like you see that and they're like oh and i'm like yeah that's right that's great yeah the tape's like the camera doesn't even go to anything sometimes it's very helpful though because sometimes kids people live in their own realities and you're like see none of that happened like this person just accidentally bumped into you and they're like oh i fucked up oh interesting yeah oh dude yeah so you should have done that to a Hernandez, dude. Oof. That documentary, did you watch it all?

Mm-hmm. I didn't like it because I felt like the conclusions they drew were wrong. About what? Him hiding his homosexuality? No, just like they totally downplayed how shitty of a childhood he had. It was very bad. But they downplayed the effect of it. They kept sounding like, whoa.

It's like, dude, you had this abusive asshole dad. Yeah, who probably had CTE himself. Yeah. But also, they didn't go that much into the CTE brain stuff. They mentioned it. And they kind of just blame CTE for being the reason. Yeah. mentioned it and they kind of just blame cte for being the reason that yeah but trauma and growing up with a dad like that also has profound effects on your brain development and also making you

violent and making you and they didn't really make that link it was kind of just all cte and it felt and and also like propaganda well well i don't know propaganda but but that's also what documentaries do they're like this is the angle we're taking there's but but that's also what documentaries do they're like this is the angle we're taking there's no documentary that's not biased it's you know it's like this is the angle we're taking and the the like repressed homosexuality thing too uh which is which is also funny yeah that's also another we killed a lot of people but it's probably because he's gay yeah kevin spacey's at home watching it see there you go there you go i just raped i didn't kill anybody i'm gay i'm gay what are you gonna do what are you each person aaron hernandez kill

he's like okay i'm gay he gets a flag in football it goes up to the ref refs refs like that was offensive interference he's like come on man i'm gang just picks up the flag our bad our bad man our bad our bad our bad no yeah i mean his brain was fucking swiss cheese when they showed it like his did they show it yeah i miss that then i watched the whole thing in one sitting oh okay then it's in the third episode it's towards the end because they show that doctor uh i think it's in boston i think but this they were saying like this woman basically became the foremost expert on CTE in the NFL.

And she was saying his brain had the most advanced CTE she's ever seen in somebody that's that young. But how many brains have they looked at of athletes? And how many people have CTE that aren't prone to that kind of violence? Sure. And that's what my Karen was saying, too. And I'm like, well, it's not an excuse. But she was basically saying, like, yeah, he murdered people. Like, it doesn't matter if he has CTE.

That couple, like his childhood, the way he was raised, the trauma, all that. Coupled with maybe his head trauma. And I don't think he was that smart either. No, he's a football player some of them are smart you got some football players usually go to harvard oh but they make it to the nfl a ryan fitzpatrick but how many make it to the nfl from harvard didn't you hear me say ryan fitzpatrick's name yeah but i'm saying there's also like some smart people too but of course but right right but also like the dude like they show his frontal lobe and it's just holes.

And that's like where your decision making and your rationality comes from. Frontal lobe. Kids who've been abused and gone through like childhood traumas. Yeah. They also have a smaller frontal lobe. And that's the part where i was like yeah but why are you they downplay and they kept talking about like his father's this great guy they like they talked about how shitty he was but then they kept like kind of immortalizing him throughout

like well well i think what i think what they were trying to do with that is that his mom immediately started hooking up with his so what his cousin and yeah they made her look like a shitty parent she was a shitty parent sure well yeah when she's on the phone with the guy who does that if you also don't have your own shit when she was on but now that she deserves it she goes aaron you should have just given me a million dollars that's all you should have given me a million dollars and he was like fuck you like yeah i mean that is shitty it is shitty right you have your your husband just died who probably was a piece of shit and she was like glad that he's dead right right then you have two boys and regardless what happened they look up to that guy yeah and they're gonna be out of

the house they're gonna be out of the house in like two years all right and then you start fucking all right all right no you're right your niece's boyfriend and then that dude is sleeping in your dad's bed that's wild my favorite part was he shot his friend in the face and the friend's like nah i'm gonna get him back yeah like i'm not gonna go to the police no no i'm gonna put this eye patch on and it's on dude it's straight up on no i i mean the guy was just so dumb too like speaking of video cameras they're like all right here's you at the bridge toll here's you at the shell station here's you buying this gum 100 he rented a car and returned the car with bullet shells like oh man oof wow god wow wow wow you gotta be really stupid yeah i i don't think he was just

that bright to begin with that's all and coupled with all that stuff of just like a perfect storm but yeah his childhood seemed awful horrific i can't imagine too having like these repressed feelings and then your dad being like a fucking hate gay people and he's like yeah yeah me too yeah that's shit yeah yeah that's really bad and you look up to this guy so much he's like your hero yeah and the whole like sports culture thing and all that stuff like damn yeah i also like that he told the patriots he's like hey man can you trade me uh i think i'm gonna die and they're like what if we got you an apartment? That part's crazy. The Patriots are like, here's a real estate agent.

She'll find you an apartment that no one will know about. And it's just like, damn, dude, you don't care about these players at all. Well, they're like, we just paid a lot of money for you. Right. Yeah, they're investments. Yeah. And speaking of ladies, his his lady ride or die pardon the pun oh yeah she hid what did she hide for him the gun yeah and then it's like what are you

throwing away here and she's like i don't remember like that's great that is good for you damn dude oh yeah yeah hold on so getting you in a bunch of shows dude yeah i feel like this is like probably some of the the most you've done in a long in a yeah it was it was a busy stretch it was so fun though i did yeah it was like seven shows in five days or something like that that's a lot so it was yeah one on wednesday one on thursday two friday two saturday one on sunday now i feel like five years ago, that was normal. Yeah, maybe not like the norm, but like would happen more often than it does. And I kind of like it that way of like chilling a little bit and then having a busy stretch.

Yeah. Have a busy stretch, chill. Yeah, Wednesday was D.C. That was fun at the Colony Club. That was pretty good. That's so fun. Yeah, it was low key. It was great.

And you don't need a lot of people up there. He's such he's so chill it's it's yeah such a good dude yeah um get nice cute keep talking um yeah so wednesday was colony club and uh yeah that was good got a little pizza did the show i think was there anything crazy with that show no not really then thursday we did uh matt bergman got booked to do a private show yeah you gotta get into this you got booked i wish i came that yeah you could have fuck yeah i would have just casey almost came with me and i was like oh yeah i should just say you're like my record label rep or something like that yeah management so harbor east in baltimore for people who don't know it's like the hoity-toity part of baltimore it's like where the four seasons is where like they try to be like this is where the rich that's

where like like they're trying to make it like it's a bad comparison because it's nowhere to the extent of georgetown but it's trying to have that feel where like that's where it's supposed to be like the shopping center that's where j crew is and yeah i would say i would say i would say dc where they have like the wharf now with like the anthem and stuff like that they're trying to make it where it's like it's young and hip but it's very condos restaurants yeah juice bars you got gyms and you got like all those kind of like not high end but like the higher end of what stores would be in the malls. South Moon Under. Yeah.

Yeah. Anthropology. J.Crew Anthropology. Some other jean store that only carry women's jeans. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. You know, where me and Umar get our jeans.

That's true. Yeah. We look good. What are you going to do? As Leanne Morgan called him, doesn't he look good in his britches um so yeah so there's a spot uh that is a quote-unquote speakeasy down there it's called the elk room yeah but beyond that is a private club where people can smoke cigars and all this shit dude so matt bergman got booked there and he was like hey my friend did this and it's gonna be a nightmare.

They leave the TVs on, but the money's good. I'll give you a hundred bucks for 20 minutes. And I was like, sure. His friend, a comedian, has done this before. This was like the second or third comedy show that they've done there. And it must have went terribly the first time. And this group still wants to keep doing it. Yeah.

So I found out from a dude there. It was really funny. There was one guy there, actually, thank God, that had seen me before. And he's like, oh, I've seen you in D.C. You were funny, man. I was like, thank you. Woof. Jeez, thank you.

That's a huge. Yeah. But he was with his friend. And so I was asking the dude. I was like, oh, well, thank God you're here, man. Thank you for paying attention. Thank you to your friends. Are you guys members here?'s like he is i'm not

he's like if you mind me asking like how much does it cost to be a member here and he's like first year 2500 bucks after that it's only 2000 a year and i'm like what is it worth it and then i was like so what does that get you does that get you like free booze does that get you free cigar he's like nah nah but you know if you bring chick here, it's a fucking panty dropper, dude. Guaranteed panty dropper. See, I was just going to say, it's people who are losers, and they think it makes them look cool, and it doesn't. He was very nice. But was he like a weirdo?

No, but he was like a Fed Hill guy. Because I was like, well, where do you guys live? He's like, Fed Hill. Fed Hill. We live in Fed Hill. Two grand isn't... It's a lot of money for that but it isn't a crazy amount of money if you make like six figures yeah and but it's but it doesn't really it doesn't get you any so like just access to a room in a bar yeah but the whole thing is that it's supposed to be like whoa isn't this cool because you're like

hey let's go to this bar and like oh i know this bar he's like no no this bar and to because to get into it because it's a part of the elk room essentially so you go into one bar and then there's these old elevator doors and then there's a thumbprint scanner next to it so you scan your thumb and then the doors open and you're like whoa i'm at this private thing but the best part was the most women i know would think that's so lame oh of course i told karen about it she's like oh yeah but the funny thing was the thumbprint scanner wasn't working so people had to be like is a manager around it's not working yeah yeah like that really takes the allure of how cool this speakeasy imagine like being on a date and you're like i don't know babe it must be broken i'll let me dig in there

so and then another thing too it's so fucking expensive in there so cringy dude yeah it was real bad but also like me and matt were talking about it's like and it's a hell gig but it's great because it doesn't matter i don't give a fuck i don't i'm not worried about getting booked here again i don't care about being funny yeah um and like and it's 100 bucks guaranteed plus we got 25 bucks at the bar for us we so like most of the time we're driving an hour plus to gigs like this yeah yeah this is down the street and it's also a gig too where it's like it's a shitty bar but i want to do well and here i was like there's no way I'm going to do well. Like the room is very long. And how many people? I would say there were like 75 to 100.

Oh, my God. Well, maybe less. Your pictures made it seem like no one was there. But they were all in the back because, again, this place is not set up for comedy. So they had like, so it's very long. And one side they had the mic mic set up and then the other side was like the bar and then you could smoke and then in the back they had a wine tasting it's like why would you have it why would you have competing events you know what i mean like they

think that just comedy is like uh maybe not a hundred maybe that's overestimated be an untapped market 60 to 70 people i should go to them and be like give me a night yeah well okay maybe you have to let me do it the way i want to do it buddy they were not trying to pay attention and also i couldn't blame them because i went first and then when i was done how many people were listening to you oh so here's the thing there too uh they they set up the the the mic and the mic just goes right into one speaker it's a tiny ass speaker and i didn't realize it at the time but if you were standing maybe at least 20 to 30 feet away you could not understand what the person was saying into the mic yeah so i was like all right well i can't blame them but i go to

start like matt brings me up he's like, we're doing comedy, blah, blah. And like even did like a five-minute announcement. And it's a cordless mic. I'm starting to get people. I have maybe like 10 to 15 people in front of me like starting to pay attention. Like literally one guy was like, ah, you made eye contact. I need you to pay attention, sir, because if you don't, I will kill myself. I know you already have blood on your hands, but I'm sure you don't want more blood.

You know, like kind of like fucking with them a little bit mike died oh all momentum gone mike dies wireless wireless oh every fucking time i use a wireless but i'm looking at the wireless mic and it has like a little uh digital thing in the in the middle and it says on and shows like the battery power the thing that it's connected to is also wireless so they have like a wireless receiver batteries in each so that thing is dead so they had a shitty speaker yes where you plug into you plug the uh the receiver receiver into the speaker that has a battery yeah your mic has yeah this is insane for a place where people pay so much money, they can't have a PA system. Yeah, yeah.

And also the room is called the lollipop room. It's so lame. Because they had a big thing on the wall that's like a decal that said the lollipop. And I was like, it's good to be here. Actually, where the hell, what is this? Is this called the lollipop? And some guy's like, yeah, it's the lollipop.

I'm like, okay, enjoy. But so Mike dies and I'm like fuck and then of course everybody's like looking at me like uh you turned it on like no dude this is on and then i went to the receiver thing turned it off and turned it back on then it started to work unreal you have to do this i know and then i'm like all right all right it's working here we go and then i look at matt and i'm like and he's like and then i get going i'm like all right it's i but here we go mike dies again in like 15 seconds and i'm like what the fuck and at this point everybody's like all right this is a joke this is yeah like this is not gonna work and in this moment it sucks because

you look like you are the worst comedian in the world and it's and it looks like it's my fault yeah yeah and so i look at matt and i'm like, dude, this counts for my time. I'm doing 20 minutes. I don't care. Like this counts. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, go, go. This happens, Umar, three more times. And again, I don't care.

I'm like, I'm doing 20 minutes. This is great. I don't care. I hope that thing dies 15 more times. Yeah. And then eventually a manager has to come over and he switches out the batteries in the mic and the receiver dies again and then the dude is like oh all right well we'll just get him wireless mic let's get a wireless mic i'm like okay a wire mic i'm sorry a wire mic yeah yeah yeah um and then he brings that over and as he's plugging it in um he's like yeah no we uh we had

some flooding recently at the restaurant and i I think it damaged some of the stuff. I'm like, no, all of this doesn't look water damaged at all. You probably just bought like a $20 piece of shit thing. Yeah, or you just never charged the receiver thing. And then so by the time the mic got plugged in, I had like five minutes left, and I was like, hey, what did you do? And there was one guy that was paying attention the whole time. He has a bakery in Columbia, and he had like an Eastern European accent and he was so nice.

He was great. He was like the one guy. I was like, all right, dude, I'm just going to tell you the bits. He's like, okay, yeah, this is fun. I need to look up what it is because he was so nice. What the fuck is this place called? Yeah. Yeah.

Columbia, Maryland. I was like, are you a member here? He's like, no, my friend brought me. So I'm just having fun. I was like, are you a member here? He's like, no, my friend brought me. So I'm just having fun. I was like, dude, that's great. It's called Roganart. Nice. So visit that, anybody, if you're in the Columbia area.

Jesus Christ. And then so you get, yeah, we had a $25 tab at the bar and they didn't have a menu out of anything. So I was like, let me just get an old fashioned. Yeah. And the guy was like, all right. And then I was done. So I had like, you know, 45 minutes to kill.

And so I was like, can I get another cocktail? I know I had the $25 tab. I don't know how much I have left on it. And he was like, oh, you went over your $25 tab with that cocktail. And I'm like, what? So that old fashioned was 30 bucks. So you had to pay five bucks no no and he was like it's it's okay how good was it not not the best uh old-fashioned i've ever had it was fine

my did you ask him what whiskey he used no i didn't even care and then he was like he was like i can give you a stella for free i was like sure i think he just didn't want to make me another cocktail i don't know my god jesus the one guy i was talking to though he's like dude though bro it's great on fridays and saturdays they fill this place up with food from italian disco and it's free i get hammered and i come in here and i eat but i'm trying to find a room in baltimore where i it's rich people oh yeah and they'll easily pay 20 for a ticket oh this place maybe not because you already pay to be there so everything has to be free for them but the venue would pay you yeah i'm gonna talk to them all right i can ask matt for the contact yeah please because if they let me do a show the way i want that could be a lot of money oh absolutely yeah yeah no i mean even well matt was like yeah we essentially robbed this place i was like yeah

it's great yeah yeah because before i was on stage the money was already out of my venmo i was like great okay dude yeah unreal uh ladarius webb was there former raven wow did you recognize him i did but i didn't want to be racist because he was the only black no there were a few black dudes there uh but he was the only one wearing like a nike sweatshirt and like joggers and i was like god you look familiar i didn't want to be like are you an athlete you know damn dude yeah also you don't want to like in a place like people go to places like that so they're not bothered by like chill out yeah people who are like oh can i get a picture yeah no i didn't want to do that yeah i was gonna do it for my friend blake just to record him and have him be like hey what's up blake because my friend blake loves the rain it's funny because

he saw you bomb no he didn't even pay attention like oh yeah again if you were at the bar how big is the room uh i'm bad with that uh could you set it up to make it a good room no because they're not going to give you the chairs like the room is set up to chill like it's like it's set up like a massive living room with like sections oh fuck that so that was another thing too is that chairs were not facing you so it's like they set it up to have like five or six chairs in a circle a few different times stupid yeah tvs were on there's a pool table a wine tasting unbelievable they think comedy is just music like you like oh just play like your acoustic in the guitar like yeah guitar

in the corner and it won't matter damn dude but it was still it was like 100 bucks and i'm home by like 10 30 not bad at all cool man not bad at all. Cool, man. Not bad at all. Yeah. And then I did the shows with Leanne Morgan. Those were fun. Yeah. You got to explain who she is. She is, she's been a comedian for like 20 years, but she just started blowing up. She did a dry bar comedy special, which is like a Mormon Netflix, essentially.

Yeah. So they take regular movies and they cut out all the like sex scenes and bad words. Do they really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. They do that too.

That's crazy. But yeah, she's a clean comic, so it works perfectly for that. And then she was telling me like she recently just started blowing up and she hired a social media team in October. Damn. And it helped?

Yeah. I mean, she's like, I haven't sold like this ever. And she's like, it's now what? She's an overachiever, dude. Yeah. Big time. Big time. Rocket emoji.

Rocket emoji. Fire emoji. But the thing is, she has the material to back it up because she was like speaking of nate bargazzi earlier i was going to bring it up like nate clearly has a team like he doesn't do his own social media oh so he's too big well it helped get him big too because you have all these clips so these guys are like okay we're going to drop a clip at 9 a.m so it's up for the east coast then we're going to do it so at 9 a.m. So it's up for the East Coast. Then we're going to do it. So this drops for L.A. and blah, blah. God, it's so crazy when you think about what goes into this stuff.

Yeah, because I was telling her and she's like, and I got a team. I was like, it's its own job. She goes, it's its own job. Yeah. And it is. It's not organic like people think it is. No. It's not like you just drop a clip.

Yeah. And people are like, this is great. Yeah. Or you have somebody making a cool flyer for you like specifically for that city and all that stuff because that team they probably also make fake accounts to spread it you know what i mean yeah you need that yeah but and i mean she has control of it too because she posted some of her own stuff that weekend but i'm sure they're like making graphics for and they're subtitling her videos and clipping stuff like that smart but yeah her stuff her dry bar special blew up on facebook and yeah she was

saying like i've never sold like this she's like i'm 54 and like just now getting to her dude yeah she could have did she could have did how many tickets did she sell close to 1200 if not 1200 she could have done a theater yeah she could have done a theater here yeah yeah well that's what she was saying she's like she was so she was just so nice she was like she's like i'm sorry i'm still wearing my orthopedic shoes but they are just working me like dogs she was great that's awesome but she was basically saying she's like busting her ass now and then she can do it in a way where she can like crush in all these markets and then when she comes back she can do a theater because she's like i love it i love doing these shows but i'm 54 i've had three kids i i do two shows a night by the second show i'm like did i say this

and then i'm on to the next town the next weekend and yeah like her schedule i looked at her um her website she's booked through like October. Wow. And that's the crazy part about someone like her who is like clean comedy, probably plays more to conservative crowds. Yeah. Is she probably does well in markets like Timonium, you know, like the flyover states.

Yeah. But I bet she does not do well in the markets where like the cool hip like the new york well she's going to like she's doing portland like she's doing helium and stuff and i feel bad for her home club is austin she said she got started in austin cap city's like her home club yeah that's a good club uh yeah one of the best um but yeah and she has like she had like a serious xM show and all kinds of stuff. It's been in the game for a while. And it's funny, like the stuff she talks about, because it's also the comics we never run

into. Yeah. What is God? What was it? The group she was with? It wasn't like it was like the female blue collar comedy. What was it called? Oh, I never even heard.

Oh, it's called like Southern Fried Chicks or something like that. That's like when I was doing the Southern Fried Chicks. Yeah, and I love it. It's so cool to hear about that. Like, you know, it's like here. Yeah, like black circuits and stuff where it's like, when I was doing the Southern Pride Chick store and I love it. It's so cool to hear about that. Like, you know, it's like hearing about different like black circuits and stuff where it's like,

oh, this should all be the same thing. Well, that's what's crazy. It's like to think that there's like all these people who were in comedy and we've never heard of,

but they're selling thousands of tickets. Yeah. It's crazy. And then people who we admire sell no tickets. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah and people have no idea who they are like like like mark norman has and sam morel and joe list they've been on fallon

conan probably more than most comedians right now yeah and they are not people who if they came to mcgoobies it's not selling well yeah they're definitely not selling out they're not selling out no and on a thursday night like they're probably it's no one's there yeah yeah so and she was just dude she was so nice and i felt for her she's like she's like you guys have been so nice to me sometimes i go to these clubs and i can tell that people are bummed out they have to work with me they're like i'm working with this old lady yeah that's also cool too because at every level you have an insecure you have these insecurities yeah and she's just a mom too like she literally got a standing ovation got off stage and the first thing she did was check her phone to

get an update from her daughter like before the show she was she got a standing oh yeah i've literally never seen a standing oh she got a standing ovation Yeah. I've literally never seen a standing O. She got a standing ovation. And before the show, she was talking about her daughter. She's like, she's dating this guy. He's a baseball player. And he was pitching today. It was his first game. We were starting pitching.

And I texted her like four hours ago. I was like, how'd it go? And she hasn't texted me back. I don't know if it went well. And so as soon as she got off stage she checked her phone and she was like oh he did really well for four innings or something i was like that's so cool like you crushed and that's cool too because like i think like a lot of times we will meet people who were like fans of and they're like they're not bad people i was just saying this to somebody but they're not like the best people, they're not genuine people.

Right. And that she sounds like... They're not people first. Yes. And she sounds like someone who's just like a genuine person. And dude, and then she was like, she really was too. Because the whole weekend she was like, are we doing a meet and greet? Because I would do it.

But you can't do it in Magoobies if you have sold out shows because the way it's set up everybody has to funnel out the same door as they come in so if you have 300 people waiting to meet her it's gonna slow things down like crazy it's a nightmare i've been at those shows where they try to do that it sucks yeah so she's like i do i want to meet people but it would just slow everything down i get it so the end of the second show on saturday the last show i'm in the lobby because i'm waiting for my compliments but people are like filing out and this woman that kind of look like looks like a grandma like gray hair short but she has a thing of flowers in her hand like a really nice bouquet of flowers and it has you know sometimes you can get like a little plastic stick in the flowers plus like a little thing on it to have

like a sign or like a little like emblem she had that with the uh crying laughing emoji in it and she has this beautiful bouquet of flowers and she like grabs my shoulder she goes oh oh is leanne coming out is leanne coming out i have to give these to her can i give these to her and i was like no like explaining what i just kind of said i'm just like i think you know she's gonna get oh, is Leanne coming out? Is Leanne coming out? I have to give these to her. Can I give these to her? And I was like, no. Like explaining what I just kind of said. I'm just like, I think, you know, she's going to get out of here. Plus she did.

It would take forever. She's like, well, I'll just, let me do it. Can I just, it'll be real quick. Can I do it? And I was like, well, I can give them to her. And she's like, no, I have to give them to her. Let me. And I was like, all right.

So I went backstage and Leanne's putting on her orthopedic shoes. And I was like, hey, I explained to her the situation. And situation and like there's this woman she really wants to give you flowers she's like oh i'll go out there but i'd feel bad if it messes things up it's like well let me just like sneak her back real quick is that okay if i just bring her back and then we can get her out like i'll just get her in the green room yeah and she's like yeah that'll work so i bring this woman back gives the flowers. The woman is almost bawling, crying. Damn. She gives her, she goes, I just had to give these to you.

I was so excited to see you mean so much to me. You make me laugh so hard. Holy shit. I had like holding her arm, like holding back tears. And Leanne's like, oh my God, thank you so much. And the woman you could tell like doesn't understand technology, but sees her on Facebook. She's like, I just love your videos on Facebook. And that's why I text you about it all the time, how funny you are.

Like, she must comment on the videos. And she's like, I'm texting Leanne. That's so sweet. It was, man. And Leanne's like, it's wild. People think I'm like a menopausal elvis or something um so then the woman leaves the green room and uh she's like bless her heart that was so nice look these are beautiful but i can't take these on the plane do you want them i was like

sure so i took the flowers home and they're on my care yeah they're on the coffee table right now dude that's so funny i was just gonna say like well two things one it's funny because like her crowd are probably like blue collar middle class but also they've never been to a comedy show before not comedy fans but also there's not a lot of media or entertainment that's geared towards them that's and that's exactly what she was saying right it was like and what's cool is that it's natural to her she's not like yeah she's not faking it i'm not gonna seek out this demo and she was like there's just nobody talking to women that are older than like 50 and not only that but if they are they're from a they're like a amy poehler yeah right amy poehler's 50 but they're like, they appeal to like- More liberal.

Liberal, city. Like hip, hip stuff. Hip. Also, I'm like a hot 40-year-old who is single, and I'm just fucking a bunch of young dudes, probably people I've fucked. But that's the thing. If you go on Netflix, it's all these shows of like cool hip people living in cities yeah liberals and you know there's no shows that are geared towards

yeah conservatives but that's most most of america is like blue collar white people yeah yeah and they're also most entertainment completely ignores that what they care about. Yeah. And I think it's like so that's when when someone like her and they get to meet her like it's probably a huge deal. She was crying. Yeah. This woman is in her 60s. Crazy.

And like being like wow this is incredible. She's like I just had to meet you. I just had to give you these flowers. And like holy shit. Yeah. And Leanne's like this happens a lot because of what you're saying of just like nobody's speaking to them so they see a thing where a woman's like i have vaginal dryness they're like yes and they're being told that like what they think and how they look at the world is wrong right right right and then finally somebody's like oh yeah this is what it's crazy and she's self-deprecating too and she's not like saying she's like take that snowflakes

yeah yeah but i'm sure if you did ask her about politics it would uh it would be uncomfortable she no she was very cool she was so she was talking about her podcast and like um we got the dish on real housewives a little bit which was fun uh oh you should have got her on the pot i was thinking about it but dude like she's uh she would have done it she would have she was so nice but i would have felt bad asking her to do an extra thing just because she was like i'm fried yeah yeah she was really funny she was like i went to that mall today telson i went to that mall it was Towson. I went to that mall. It was overwhelming. It was a lot.

Well, because for her, like, this is a busy probably place. No, she grew up in Austin. She didn't grow up there, but she, like, lived there for a while. That was her club. And then she lives in Knoxville, Tennessee. But she does, like, Zany's in Nashville and stuff. Like, she gets it. Yeah.

And she was talking about, so she has podcast with with her friend who is uh a registered nurse and the whole thing is called sweaty and pissed and it's all about like women of a certain age but then it's sort of like a love lining thing then you have like somebody that actually knows about issues so they have people like right in with like this is happening to me what is it yeah and she was saying she loves her registered nurse because she has something like i forget what is like 4 000 patients and they all like love her and she's talking about like the she's like and i love where she works there's this one gay guy there he's so funny he's probably i love him so much like she was so cool she was just like that's great man dude she was so nice but yeah i got a little bit of a trouble because i had a little bit of a naughty mouth.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to get that. Yeah, I mean, and I don't want to get into it too much. For people who don't know, like Drybar, it's like a Mormon. Drybar is this company that's kind of like, it's like Netflix for Mormons. So they started putting out all these comedy specials of clean comedy so mormons can enjoy comedy and a lot of comics who aren't clean comedians will do a dry bar special because it's the only place that will pay them we know multiple people that have done it they don't pay do you know how much they pay no it's like 1200

damn it's not a lot yeah they get millions of views yeah like rob mara has one coming out mac bergman has one robert mac bent washburn robert so we know like dudes that have done it and uh almost all of those like all those dudes are solid comedians but robert for one of them you can guess i'm just kidding rob mara is not uh he's not a clean comedian by any means rob is not clean at all and i wonder if that would get him in trouble because when people come to see him and he's not clean, that is, they're not going to ever come see him again.

She's also clean in a way that's just natural to her, which I think is great. Right. Same way like Bargatze is clean in a way that you're like, oh shit, he just did 45 minutes and I didn't realize he never comes.

Yeah, like I work with a kid. He featured for Kurt Metzger when I was hosting. And he's the one who I learned about all this stuff from because he has a dry bar special. Oh, is he the dude with the neck tattoo? Like the bunch of tattoos? No, no, no. That guy has a dry bar too. That guy does.

And he's way more, I think he's doing very well. Yeah. Not very well. He's doing well. Comedy well. Shane, I think's his name but no this guy's his name is andrew he's very funny uh-huh um but yeah he's the one he's like yeah they gave me like 1200 bucks i was like that's nothing but it seems like it helped him

a lot because now he's selling out places on his own like smaller places yeah um and uh Yeah. And, but it sucks because he was like, you know, I'm not like someone who would, like, I would, I don't want to work clean, but now I got pigeonholed into it. Right. Because that's what people expect. So, and I think it's even her thing, too, is like she doesn't even, it was funny, too, like saying some stuff backstage, she would like go to cuss, but she would spell it out. Oh, wow. And she also said to when she was when she grew up, you were not allowed to cuss in her house.

Like her parents were like, yeah. So I think it's just like ingrained in her. So then anyway. But anyways, when she goes on the road and these I'm sure with like some of these people, too, if you are if your fan base expects you to be clean, you don't some guy up there it's like yo who's fucking out there what the fuck right and also in comedy everybody has a different definition of what clean is like clean it's just like don't say fuck a lot or don't say fuck at all but you can do this yeah and so yeah so i i wasn't sure what clean was and also i dude these gals loved me but yeah but also you're doing a sold-out show and you you can feel like when you're on stage there are times when you can feel like if i say

this yeah like dude okay like i'll let you finish but like i was on stage for gilbert godfrey and he's not clean you don't have to be clean for him but when you're but it was hosting yeah i was hosting so that show dude i got two applause breaks yeah and um i was i asked for crowd participation and this guy just said this the dumbest answer ever and he was trying to be funny but it wasn't and i had nothing to say and all and i couldn't think of a clever thing so all i said in it because i knew in my head it would kill i just went like oh we got a retard in the audience and it got in a pause break for so anyway so yeah but yeah same thing shows sold out so the first night i am doing that like i would say something and i knew it would be like a little edgy and it's like oh fuck off applause break like what like what you're talking about like oh yeah like they would love that because And I knew it would be a little edgy. And I was like, oh, fuck off. Applause break.

Like what you're talking about. Like, oh, yeah. Like they would love that. Because to them, that's so novel. Yes. And it's also like it's me up there. Just like this little, like a little boy to them. I'm like, hey, fuck off, guys.

Like, oh, you're fun. You know? So, yeah. So just after the first night, it was told to me to make sure to be clean. And I was like, all right, all right. Yeah. You got an email. Yeah.

That said you were talking about. Yeah. I don't want to get into it too much. Oh, sorry. But yeah. My bad. But no, no, it's all good. We're way into the podcast.

But also, I mean, it's totally fair because she asked for somebody to be very clean and stuff. Yeah. But she was also just like very complimentary and cool and nice. It's like I couldn't falter for it at all because it's like she asked for a certain thing and you know, yeah, but that was on me because I was like, oh, maybe I can walk the line a little bit and kind of push it but not go to talk to her about it.

Uh, no, no, I didn't want to because she didn't say anything. So I was like, you know, I'm not gonna yeah. Yeah, it's like I'm don't want to. Because she didn't say anything. So I was like, you know, I'm not going to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like I don't want to make it weird or anything like that. So yeah, no, she was, dude, she was so sweet. And then she goes, at the end of the shows, she goes, do you think it would be all right if me, you, and Garrett, Garrett was host, Garrett Harvest. She's like, do you think it would be all right if we got a picture together?

Oh, nice. And I was like, what am I supposed to, like, Leah, what do you think we're going to be like? No, we don't take pictures with headliners. Yeah,'t take pictures with yeah yeah so she was really sweet about it and she posted pictures with like me and garrett on her instagram and fuck yeah dude there's so many people that followed me on the gram and stuff it was how many followers you get i think over the whole weekend i got like 40 that's great it was insane yeah and then people were messaging the club like who's that josh guy oh fuck yeah dude and literally yeah she had people driving from all over there were two women

they're like hey we met last night we live in new jersey we love the show that's great people from pennsylvania west virginia it was crazy yeah and then so then sunday did a brunch show in dc that was a lot of fun uh shout out to mimos haas. Check that out. It's free if you live in the D.C. area in the Wonderland Ballroom. I think it's the first Sunday of every month. Do you get paid? Did I? I might have just got free booze, but also I didn't care. Huh?

A woman runs show and you don't make money. I don't. Yeah. But they complain so much about it. I don't know if they have specifically. Sure. But also they never promised me money. No. It's also a free show. Oh, free show different. But also, they never promised me money. No, sure.

It's also a free show. Oh, free show different. It's a free show. That's what I'm saying. It's a free show, so go check it out. It was so fun. But when I was on stage, I was like... When I was...

The bourbon. The old suburban bourbon. Put the bourbon in suburban. Yeah. When I was on stage... We'll wrap up soon. Sorry, Karen. When I was on stage, I was like, yeah, I'm from Baltimore. It's good to be In suburban. Yeah. When I was on stage, we'll wrap up soon. Sorry, Karen. When I was on stage, I was like, yeah, I'm from Baltimore.

It's good to be in D.C. And this chick up front, she just goes, she goes, ew, rats. Oh. And I was like, really? That's your qualm with Baltimore? Like, I'm glad that there's no rats in D.C. You could have smashed her because you're like, ew, a and that place would have went no no this is the wonderland ballroom is what i'm saying on sunday still they would have went nuts oh rats rats rats yeah yeah

i didn't even think that i was just like that's so stupid that's why she said it he's the one who did that trump's the one who made everyone think baltimore's a rat infested city no one put no one really said that about baltimore i mean well except for people who live here i was gonna say rat bumper stickers i thought that's maybe what she was talking about i didn't even think about the trump thing but yeah but she didn't look like she just looked like a hipster girl like she had she had a beanie she had a beanie on and she had like a hoodie and she looked just like any other hipster chick and then'm like what trump supporter would be a weird comedy brunch true well i don't know sometimes it happens but

anyway so that girl so yeah i made fun of her went great and the show ends and then they bring her on stage and i'm in the back of the room and i'm like why is she on stage and somebody's like oh they asked since because this was like their valentine's day show since for february yeah and uh they asked like somebody to tell like a memorable relationship story or a hooking up story this chick is wasted on stage and that is a good note to go out on wasted on stage and i'm not really paying attention so it's like i met this guy and he's a bartender it's one of those people who's like you could tell it's like if i ever did stand up i would be so funny and she's like laughing at herself she's like by the way this

happened in arlington that was the scene of the crime and you're like jesus christ and she's like and this guy had like the biggest dick like so big it was like massive how uncomfortable is the room right now well everybody's like kind of like also like the show's over like you saw like almost two hours of comedy this is like the end of snl where like everyone's just waving yeah for some reason some drunk chick is talking about a dick all right yeah and so like that's getting a reaction because it's like you're talking about a massive dick she's like so we hook up and it destroys my pussy and not like destroys it just like not it like i look down and it looks like raw chicken it is she had to go to the emergency room oh i kind of would love for a girl to have to tell me she had to go to the

emergency room because i had sex with her and she had to get her vagina sewed up oh i would love to get that text message but also your penis your penis my bad caused me to have to sew my my vagina up i would love that text i would i would print that text out and frame it and put it on my wall the hospital bill you're like i'll pay that let me frame that but it was just such a weird way to end it's 2 p.m so weird it's like what the fuck and that girl had the nerve to go you rats yes yeah exactly exactly that's why i made it even better it's like i made fun of her and that went great and then she wasted on stage and told everybody she has a mangled pussy. God. I was like, all right, I'm going to drive back to Baltimore now. All right.

That was a digression session. There was. That was a good one. That was good. We did two hours almost. Hour 20. Hour 20. All right.

Oh, we talked. Oh, yeah. A little before. We had some pre-pod talk. We could not let you guys in on. Some hot goss. Some goss. Ryan goss. We talked about Ryan g Gosling for a while.

Uh, my mom wants to know if I can come home for dinner tomorrow. No, I'm in Arlington. Oh, take that as a, so speaking of plugs, guys,

go for it tomorrow night. I'm in Arlington at rag time doing a long set, doing some new, going to do a lot of new, hopefully. Hell yeah. Thursday. I have gin and jokes, uh, at Joe squared. It, I have Gin and Jokes at Joe's Squared.

Isabel Hagen's headlining. She's so funny. She did an opener spot over a year ago, and she stole the show. So now she's headlining. She did Just for Laughs. Nice. She's super funny. And then Friday through Sunday, all weekend, I'm at the dc comedy loft maybe who knows they

just fuck up bookings left and right so if it might be there i might not be there but either way i'm gonna force them to pay me and uh uh i'm also and then if you know people who live in st. Louis I'm going to be there featuring for Mark Norman February 13 to 15 thank God and February 22nd I'll be at Pasitano's in Bethesda 8pm

hosting and Ramin is going to be headlining so come through that is a fun show I'm pumped yeah I will be at the DC Comedy Loft on the 16th, if that still exists as well, featuring. I think that's a Sunday. Come out to that.

And then the 20th through the 22nd, I will be hosting for Steve Byrne at the DC Improv. Very excited for that. That's going to be a hot show. He seems like a fun guy. I think he's a fun guy. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like a fun guy. I think he's a fun guy. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like a good time.

He's also doing a Q&A on his documentary about Stephen. That's bad. The magician? Because there's already one out about him. Have you not seen it? No. He directed it. No, dude.

I'll tell you off the pod. What? Yeah, I'll tell you. What? I'll tell you. This is weird. It's not weird, but he has a documentary that's already out there. And in the documentary, it goes into how this guy has seven other people making a documentary about him, one of which is Steve Byrne.

Weird. So Steve Byrne's a little late to the table. And the documentary is very good on yeah i swear to god i watched the documentary that's on hulu i thought that was his that's not steve burns his that's weird but they mentioned him in it maybe we're talking about a different one we're not i know what you're talking about really yeah weird yeah interesting because i saw that poster at the improv i I was like, oh, that's weird. He's still doing that.

Yeah, he's doing the Q&A on Sunday. Because I don't think anyone's seen his. What? Yeah. This is blowing my mind because I thought they were the same thing. No. I thought that was his. No.

Watch it. Have you watched it? Yeah, I watched it. It's not his. I thought you could hear Steve Byrne asking questions in it. You might have watched it different. There are multiple documentaries about him out there, but the one that most...

Oh, no. I watched it on YouTube then. No. There's a Hulu one that's like the one. Oh. Well, I like... I think he put it out first. I like Steve Byrne's a lot.

Oh, okay. I liked his a lot. That's interesting. Yeah. I watched that one. It's really good. And it goes into that whole thing. All right, we'll just show up on Sunday at the Q&A and be like, how come?

Why'd you do that? I wonder if anyone will come to that. Yeah, they're doing it because I guess it's a Sunday show. Are you hosting it? I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know. We'll see.

Maybe. Give me a little extra chat. All right. All right, everybody. All right, guys. Hey, David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Bye.