The Digression Sessions - Ep. 310 - President's Day

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on shows, cancelled shows, and work place injuries! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh -��@JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

TAGE NETWORK That's a goddy Spiritual guy Um Yeah, spiritual Spiritual Hey everybody, hope you're having a fucking killer president's day third one with mr trump that's right and here's to 300 more with him we keep it going you know

why not yeah what if what if the singularity does happen and he's like sorry i'm a robot i'm never gonna die like the technology just lines up sorry uh but yeah hey everybody what's up hey welcome back to the show uh sitting here at umar's again and uh yeah nice i was gonna say nice little sunday but it's monday it is big sunday vibes on a monday holiday big sunday vibes nice day didn't do much today's been nice nice man i made a little fondue with my girl. Was she off? Yeah, she was off. She gets the federal holidays as well.

Catholic Church respects the federal holidays. They respect the presidential. They respect the office, dude. Ooh. Yeah, and then our buddy Lauren and Paul came over. We made some fucking fondue. Nice. Melted some chocolate as well.

Woo. Dipped some strawberries in there. Did a little meal prepping for the week. Some chicken and veggies and sweet potatoes. Nice. Yeah, dude. Quite the day. Did some laundry. Just really kind of caught up. Hell yeah, dude. Oh shit, I gotta do laundry. I have no clean socks. Buddy,

no clean socks. How many pairs of socks do you have? Like four? Not many. Really? Yeah. Get some more. I recently threw away a buddy i'm playing socks how many pairs of socks do you have like four not many really yeah get some more uh i recently threw away a fuck ton because they had holes in them so i gotta re-up i can dig it yeah yo let me get the re-up on yeah i gotta re-up y'all got any more of them like cotton poly blends let me get some of those uh yeah dude what's been up not much i uh was i was i was uh it's been a weird uh couple of weeks because i had two weekends canceled yeah and uh so that was funny yeah i because i think we even predicted uh one of them being i was like when we were plugging it last

show i was like joking around like if it happens if it happens you never know what this club and boy oh boy I checked the uh calendar well I messaged the booker for the venue and I was like uh uh I said hey man am I still good to go a couple of days went by and he didn't respond and I was like what the fuck man this is annoying and I was like you know what I'm just gonna show up because if I just show up then they're gonna pay me right because I'm like ah you know what? I'm just going to show up because if I just show up, then they're going to pay me. Right? Because they're like, ah, you drove down. We didn't contact you. And then I was like, I don't want to do that, though.

So I don't think it's worth it to drive. Not worth it. So then I got the booker's number and I texted him. Uh-huh. No, I called him and he was like, oh like oh yeah because i checked the calendar before calling him and the shows that i was supposed to be on were no longer on the calendar jamie kennedy still going uh-huh strong sure in life and at the club god imagine what a fucking life and then real quick as an aside do you know that he used to have a like a punk type show yeah x factor whatever uh

i think it was called like x x yeah i used to watch it it was on wb yeah i didn't know anybody that watched it and they're like also just imagine like you get pranked and it's like ah psych i'm not a doctor i'm jamie kennedy and you're like who you're on the oh is it jamie kennedy kennedy experiment yeah yeah yeah and you've been x that's what you've been x yeah like i'm just imagining like a 50 year old person's like you're who now yeah so funny ever seen son of the mask idiot okay well he doesn't do it anymore right no i'm just saying like even when he was doing in the 90s it's not like jamie kennedy was like a household name no no i just it's just so weird it's like you got x i know it's like uh it was

bad do you work with my son i don't know yeah you would like dress up as like like punked was kind of cool because it was fun to see celebrities get pranked yeah especially when they were friends yeah yeah let's fuck with my buddy justin tuba like ashton kutcher was famous yeah so people knew him and it just made it was cool and then yeah this show was like candid camera but i don't know it just yeah it was it was uh i was like 10 years old or 12 years old or something yeah of course yeah but anyway so yeah he anyway so uh i called the manager and he's like oh yeah i was just about to call you and i was like i bet you were sure so he's like halfway to mexico sweating he's like yeah yeah no of course but luckily that weekend i got shows i got booked at big hunt so we did two shows and they were super fun

yeah and i got some good videos out of them nice yeah i was supposed to do uh beer baron as well on sunday I emailed him. I was like, so what's the plan? And just never got back to me. Really? I don't know if it happened or what. What was the show? I don't, I forget. I'd have to look at my notes, but yeah, I was just supposed to feature and I was like, yeah, because it was, he gave it to

me as a makeup for shows that were like quadruple or triple booked. That's hilarious. Cobb, relax. Hi, Karen. Hey, babe. So yeah, I just emailed him. He didn't email me back.

And I was like, all right, well, I'm not going down there. And then this weekend, I was supposed to be in St. Louis. And I think it was like week of. I was going to be there with Mark Normand, who's a very funny guy. And when the week of the show, Chris Allen was like, dude, aren't you doing St. Louis Helium with Mark? And I was like, yeah. And he said, so then he sent me a screenshot of another comedian who is usually he opens for Mark on the road. Yeah.

And it said he was opening for him. And he's like, dude, you got to talk to Mark. And I was like, all right. So I messaged Mark. I was like, hey, man, I'm confirmed to like open for you. But here's I saw this guy's opening for you. And he's like and he wrote shit. This isn't good.

And I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah. And I'm like, I know that he probably just totally forgot because they don't think about this shit no and they he just told this guy he's like yeah yeah you know also that guy wasn't just doing that he was doing like a whole string of stuff string of stuff with mark yeah and uh it was like a week i bought my plane tickets i was confirmed and then so mark was like oh he's like he's like, so, like, did you, like, he was like, well, I guess it comes down to whoever got booked by the club first.

And so I messaged or emailed the manager and he got back to me. He's like, yeah, yeah, you're good to go, blah, blah, blah. So I sent that to Mark and Mark's like, okay, I guess you got it. And then the next day I get a call. And I knew. I was like, this still doesn't feel like I'm going to be in St. Louis. Yeah, it's also mark's bluffing he's like yeah let's just hope you weren't booked first yeah 100 and then he's

like yeah umar is booked he's like ah fuck um so then i think what happened was uh i and i get it it's his regular opener and he told him this it's also weird for that guy to do a bunch of shows, take it off, then do a bunch more. Yeah. It's like, just do a whole run. And so I get a call the next day. I'm at work, and the manager from Helium, he sent me an email. He was like, hey, Umar, when you get a chance, can you give me a call? And I was like, well, I'm not going to be in St. Louis this fucking weekend.

Never a good sign. Yeah. And so I call him back. It's like bad results from the doctor yeah give me a call when he can yeah no news is good news yeah we got your test results back give me a call that was like another thing right I was like I should just go down because they would have to pay me right you would look like such a psycho to fly there no like I like when Chris sent it to me if I just never said anything and then there's two features and I'm booked, I would get paid.

Yeah. I mean, it's an intense move, but yeah. Oh, yeah. It would be a psycho move on my part. It would be great, too, if you showed up in a diaper. You're like, I didn't fly. I drove down here. I didn't take any breaks.

I'm here to do the show. Well, just because I had to eat a $175 plane ticket, which is not a lot, but it's not nothing. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks a lot. And so I'm like, also, I'm looking forward to it. It's super fun to do a feature weekend in a new city. Yeah. I had a place to stay for free. I was just like, oh, this is going to be great.

I'll just treat it like a vacation. We lucked out there, too like not having a hotel or if i had booked a hotel i would have um so yeah i would have fought hard to be down there because i would i asked okay so the manager and i are talking and he's like so he was like look man it's my fault i even showed the like you know our booker who books all the clubs like our uh me and Mark's text messages back from December when I originally booked you. Because he reached out to Mark first before booking me and just saying like, hey, this guy said he's worked with you and he said it's okay for you to open for him. He's like, oh, yeah, Umar's cool. Yeah, let's do it.

Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But then that was months ago. You don't think about that shit. Yeah. But it was weird because we were texting me and mark were testing texting two weeks prior to that and just talking about st louis and and how like how yeah like just what we what he thinks it's gonna be like he's glad to have you there we'll have fun we'll go to diners blah blah blah yeah i was like all right cool this is gonna be

great so anyway so then um they're like we're double booked so here's what we can do we can put you in a smaller room on the side and i was like i don't want to not to be a diva but it just it's like when you know what it's like it's like when you uh try to it's like when you're you want to have sex with your girlfriend and she doesn't. You can tell she's not into it, but we'll do it anyway. To be honest, that's never happened to me. I wish I could relate, but I mean, I can see maybe. This is like me watching a sci-fi movie. If I stretch the limits of my imagination.

Yeah, when a girl is just like, fine, or something. No, I've never had that. Literally, interesting. And you're just like, I don't want to do this now you know yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like yeah you can do the uh uh the room where you need lube do you want to do it in the room where you need lube yeah so yeah or like or just or the girl's like i mean i don't have sex but you can beat off next to me yeah yeah she's like all right well that's a bummer you want to beat off on my tits yeah yeah that's what he yeah umar sorry do you actually just want to jerk off in the other room is that right yeah so he's like yeah you could do two shows in the smaller room we'll feature you in there and that

would be like 200 or what they would try to build a whole weekend for me in the side room as a feature yeah which is just weird and it's a lot of work for them it's very nice it's so nice i mean this guy is being the manager and he feels so bad above and beyond he's being so nice and i was just like look man i don't want to be a diva but i definitely even said like there'll probably only be like 15 or 30 people at each show and i was like yeah that's demoralizing it sounds like a twilight zone episode where like they would make everybody just clap too hard or laugh too hard like wow umar sure was great we love and then another thing you have to think about too is like when you're debuting at a club no one knows who you are you don't want to be in a situation where

things won't go well because they won't have you back and you also don't want to be that guy where they have to like tiptoe around you or like yeah are you having a good time you good you know yeah i don't want to be i don't want to make waves or like have you be concerned about me it would be like finding out like uh like somebody in your class is having a party you don't get invited but the kid's mom feels bad she's like you can come hang out with me in the kitchen 100 yeah we'll make all the food for the party yeah yeah the teacher's like i noticed you didn't get a valentine so will you be my valentine you're like no miss gordon yeah the kid that like a like a teacher dances with because no one wants to dance with yeah oh god i think you're pretty cool umar yeah so i was just like god fuck that i don't want to do that and i and i was super honest i was like look man

uh i'm not a diva but it would just feel awkward being there and then you know like yeah a weekend that i was like and then mark is also it's just weird i think it'd be awkward for mark too yeah yeah it would feel bad yeah you don't want to put anybody out like yeah again the vibe would just be weird yeah fuck that it would be crazy and so very nice of them to offer still though so i said i was like all right well how about i host and you guys pay me the same and they were like well we can't pay you the same he's like let me call back and see what we can do. So they call me back and like, okay, here's what we can do. You can host all the shows. That's like whatever money.

Then you can do the two shows, the feature spot in the side room, and the girl who was originally going to host Mark's shows will host you in the side room. And I was like, well, that sucks for her. She would hate. And then she would hate and then she would hate me and then especially if i fucking then i would feel so much pressure to have to absolutely murder yeah every single set is the set of your life it has to be because this girl is like this

fucking asshole this guy bumped me bumped me from he flew from fucking baltimore and he's a psychology he's not even a fucking full-time comedian. And you still have to do the host stuff too in the other room, which would be fun. It would suck. And you're just like, all right, I flew a lot of hours to be here. We having a good time? All right. Make sure you fill out your comment cards.

Yeah. I don't... And not that like... It's not that I'm above it, but I'm not flying to a city to do comment cards at the end of a show absolutely not or to tell people where the bathroom is yeah or hey the upcoming acts or blah blah blah yeah yeah yeah all right let's start all right hey guys uh keep that popcorn shrimp yeah we like the nachos don't we all right yeah right. All right. Hey, guys. Gilbert Godfrey is going to be here next weekend. Yeah, that would suck. That would suck so much.

I really hate doing that stuff, too, like plugging other acts before you bring up another act. Just like, hey, Chris Hardwick is going to be here in March, but right now. Luckily, I've never had to do that. I'm a goobies before or anything. I'm trying to think of other clubs. I haven't had to do that. DC Improv does it. Oh, they do make to do that. I'm a goobies before or anything. I'm trying to think of other clubs. I haven't had to do that. DC Improv does it. Oh, they do make you do that.

They're like, read like three or four people. I'm like, this is so disrespectful to the headliner. It is. Sure, you're here for this guy, but there's some other cool ones coming. Also, it's funny as a host. And I get why clubs do this, but it is weird as a host at a club where the feature act finishes, and then you're like, are you guys excited? Okay, well, let's kill that momentum.

I'm also excited for the future acts coming to the club. There are comment cards. Fill those out. All right, now let's bring that momentum back that's been fucking deader than my grandmother's pussy. All right, come to the club dead my grandmother's pussy all right come to the club my grandmother's pussy uh yeah and no so you don't want to fly to st louis to do that that's not uh not ideal yeah fucking crazy and then you'd have to hang out in the green room with mark and the other dude yeah that would suck and you would just look like a loser yeah to them like you just be like why are you here dude yeah yeah it's like you don't have to try that hard and also you're like chris was like

dude you gotta he was like man he's like you got such an ego yeah and i was like dude fuck you it's not an ego thing it's just i'm admitting my feelings are hurt and i don't want to be in this awkward situation i don't think i deserve to be a feature i just think that was the deal yeah and this isn't happening yeah i mean you got screwed over a little bit and they were nice to try to accommodate you but also you are realizing too it's like you're gonna screw over that girl who might be excited to be yeah and that's the thing like margaret's like one of those comics everyone wants to open for it Yeah. You know, and he's he I think, you know, usually he'll sell very well in markets. Yeah.

So. Yeah. Yeah. So even if he doesn't, like you're saying, like, I think comics respect him a ton just from how much he writes and everything else. So it's like, yeah, I want to work with that guy. Yeah, for sure. And you'll be like, I'm getting bumped for who?

Who is this guy? Yeah. That would not be cool and she has to introduce you as the feature in the room for like 15 people and you just eat your dick up there yeah hey here's the guy who uh he's the reason i'm getting doing less shows and getting paid less this weekend yeah but fuck me right anyway it's umar khan yeah cool that was yeah that was a bummer yeah i mean it sucks but also the club said they will feature you right yeah they were like we'll give you another weekend

and we told like the main guy whatever jerry or something how cool you were about it so yeah it'll be fine and uh the cool part about missing that weekend was uh kyle canane who's like a i guess like a pretty big comic uh yeah in the comedy world definitely was in town and i've worked with him twice before and so i got to open for him at ram's head yeah speaking of like a very respected comic yeah it blows my mind how big this guy is i mean well he's also been doing it now for a long time. Like so have so many other people. And for him to not have really mainstream success, but to be able to sell out Rams Head Live and 930 Club. Yeah, that's crazy.

And he sold out like another theater like in Philly, like two shows. That's awesome. But yeah, I think his I don't think he's stopped for like 10 years. Like it's special after special record and it's also just like i think like when he in 2010 12 when he was really breaking yeah like people were like really paying attention to i guess like that comedy podcast like all he kind of came out of the i guess like the alt scene or something yeah and death of the party his first album came out on special thing records which i think had like a lot of cachet at that time too yeah and so it did very well yeah it's

a it's a really great debut record too i mean he's so funny he's a great writer then he had a netflix special like a half hour yeah so he's yeah he's definitely he's so fun he is so funny. It's crazy. That was super cool. Rams Head actually holds more people standing than 930 Club, but when they do seated, it's less, which makes no sense.

I get it. Seats take up more space than people just standing there. We did this show seated at 930 Club, and there's 300 people more. Oh, that is weird. Isn't that weird? That is. I guess they have more upstairs.

I don't know. They have more seats upstairs. Yeah. Downstairs is bigger. I think that makes sense. That's what I'm guessing. They didn't want to bring the seats all the way back downstairs because it would just be too weird.

Anyway, so it was like 500 something people. Still sick. Sick. Sick. I mean, so cool huge stage like just super fun uh one time i was there i was uh i got kicked out because i tried to jump on stage so that was fun just like wasn't that at a matt and kim show i got kicked out of matt and kim show jesus christ and uh yeah it was cool i showed up and it's just kind of like doing like i guess when you do these types of venues like they're so professional and they're you know like green room

food free drinks like everyone's just so nice there's like a million people on staff i mean that's what it's just for a comedy show like there was probably like 30 people on staff that night it's crazy well that's because what they're used to for yeah music and stuff where it's just for a comedy show. Like there was probably like 30 people on staff that night. It's crazy. Well, that's because what they're used to for music and stuff where it's like, oh, there's multiple bands. We have to set everything up. But now it's like no drums, no back line, just a microphone and a stool. Well, also just like all the people on the floor who have to show people to their seats

slash, I guess, do security. Yeah. They have multiple bars inside the venue. Each bar has like a couple of bartenders behind security. Yeah. They have multiple bars inside the venue. Each bar has like a couple of bartenders behind it. Yeah. The door people, security people, backstage people, lights, sound. It's crazy. Yeah.

It's insane. It was so fun, dude. Just sitting in like the rafters, like watching the show and like the laughs are so big. Yeah. It was insane. It was so fun. Yeah. It's nights like that where you're like

oh yeah comedy can be so fun yeah and it was for me i think it was for me it was really worth it i kind of am glad i missed the st louis weekend it's so fun to do a show like that yeah where it's just like just like it feels like you know it was almost it's like doing a theater show yeah and you're just like it's you feel so good yeah and my buddy dan came he we hung out yeah so i'm getting him like free drinks he gets backstage and we're just like hanging out having a ball like hell yeah it was great and he uh he actually saw kyle canane the last time kyle canane came to ram's head two years ago i didn't even know when he did rams head and my buddy and dan went to that show because he's like a big comedy fan yeah and uh i saw a bunch of people who like go to gin and jokes they were there nice yeah so that was it was really nice a couple of my co-workers were there like because they're kyle canane fans fucking it and

uh i ran to joe greenway who used to be a comic like yeah and i heard uh somebody yelled my name when i got up on stage and he was like dude i yelled your name out oh yeah it was just it was like so fun it was like yeah it was crazy you just feel like so good after doing a set like that it's also just comedy on the easy level you know yeah like hosting in st louis would be like you could do it but it's also there's some degree of difficulty there. Once you come into a hometown show, too, where you're like, it's fucking packed. It's going to be easy because it's packed,

but also some hometown references and you're comfortable. You know the headliner. And they're all so excited to be there. It's not like, fuck you, make us laugh. It's like, yeah, we're here for this. This is going to be great. It was crazy, dude. Yeah, it was funny and speaking of like comics like not like wanting to uh deal with like openers and stuff like kyle canane was like it was funny because when i saw

that he was coming here like months ago i hit him up i was like hey man if you need an opener like i'll do it for you nice and he was like yeah man i'll keep you in uh i'll keep you in touch or like i'll you know like i have this number saved who's the guy that mark booked there as his feature who does mark have i can't remember it'd be great he's like yeah actually i have ryan uh fucking pants as my but we'll see yeah so then uh yeah so and then like uh i didn't hear anything because why would i he just you know forgot and i just sent him a text i was like hey man i'm gonna roll do the show like can i get some like um uh i was like can i just get like a some a couple of comps and he was like hey do you want to host

and i was like yeah oh i was like fuck yeah dude nice because i knew he had an opener so i was like oh well i guess i'm not opening for him right it might be a two-man show yeah and he was like well and well it was funny because i sent him that text like during the day but then i woke up at like 2 a.m and i checked my phone and i got a text back from him and it was like at 9 30 i guess i fell asleep that early early that night it was like 9 35 do you wanna he was like hey he's like oh shit do you want to mc the show and then you know i'm sleeping so then at 1 a.m he's like all right well you'll definitely be on the list for tickets but if you want to mc and i woke up and i was like fuck and i was like so excited it was 2 30 and i didn't go back to sleep because

i was too excited i was like a little kid i was like oh my god yeah yeah it was so fun like christmas morning like santa's like do you want a bike you're like i want a fucking bike yeah it was great and then uh afterwards like uh this girl this comic corinne fisher was on in mcgoobies doing her own like one night show she has like a podcast that's super famous called guys we fucked so like after the show we all went and hung out like it was just great man that's great dude yeah it was a fun fun fucking night yeah it's just the perfect night of comedy yeah this is cool comedy got me here yeah then long weekend pretty tight yeah my thursday was a little different oh what'd you do oh sorry hold on uh-huh coolest part not the coolest but one of the coolest parts like the check from uh the cal canadian show pretty much paid for the flight there you go so that felt

good the universe provides it does doesn't it thanks universe um yeah no that is uh that's good um yeah my thursday my thursday way different i uh i was making lunch and then i got a call from my dad oh and i missed it and i yeah i missed it and then uh you know how uh uh iphones will transcribe your voicemails so i got a voicemail from my dad and then i was i was like oh let me see what it says before i call him back and uh it was like uh it just said like hey josh this is bill uh matt had an accident with the saw and then it was like line line like the iphone didn't know what it was saying it was like yeah fingers line line call me back and didn't have all the numbers i was like whoa holy fuck like holy did he like lose some fingers and then i listened to the voicemail and it was garbled so it was just like it was like hey josh's bill uh matt's team leader he had an accident with the saw and the fingers into the

hospital i'm like whoa what like again like it was like the worst like parts to get garbled where i'm like where he might have been like he's okay but he cut his fingers like in my mind it's like he lost all of his fingers we're headed to the hospital you know so i call i call my dad back i'm like yo what is going on and uh he says yeah like he caught his fingers on the buzzsaw his left index and left middle he's left-handed too so he was he was dadoing some wood which i don't know what that is but uh he was like feeding it into it it just caught his fingers um he was headed to the hospital didn't know what was going on but i was like okay but they're not like falling off and he's like no okay so i was like all right well that's good

um so i show up to the hospital we end up having to be at the hospital i got there around like three i think 2 30 and we didn't end up leaving until like close to nine maybe later like we were there for so long but i get there and he has his two fingers just wrapped up a ton um and uh so what happened was he cut it at the shop at work the carpenter's shop and then immediately he like knew what was up grabbed a rag like pressed it on his hand lifted his hand above his head and we have a nurse's station at social security so we had to run through like multiple buildings oh escalators and i was like i want to see that security footage so bad of just a man like just bumping

people out of the way with ties and there's like blood everywhere he's like get the fuck oh that sucked is he cool now is he good so so we were there and so that's the thing too like he knew he fucked him up but he didn't know like how bad um oh yeah because you don't even want to look yeah i mean he looked and you just see damage like you see you see i hate that yeah so you you see blood i mean you you feel it too like first so um obviously but then like looking at it you just know that it's fucked up you're not like oh what is that yeah you know what it always takes like a second like it happens and you're like oh shit that sucks this is gonna hurt and then boom yeah because i think your brain immediately is like immediately it's like whoa whoa whoa because so we go back for the x-ray and the x-ray tech matt was asking him like what do you think and he's like well look i can't it's not our job to

diagnose oh yeah they're not allowed to say anything but he did and he was fucking awesome oh really i'm so glad that he did because we were both like matt wasn't like scared but he was just like well what do you you know because he hadn't seen it since his fingers been wrapped yeah so they loosened it a little bit but they don't have to like all the way so you couldn't really see the wound but they x-rayed it so he broke the top two bones of his fingers but the guy was like you're lucky from what i can tell because i see these all the time like it's pretty clean like you broke the bone but like not it's not clean. Like you broke the bone, but like not, it's not like destroyed. Yeah. Like you didn't sever your fingers.

And he was saying he's seen guys come in the same guy come in multiple times, like lose one finger. Then they lose another finger. Like, no, isn't that insane? Dude, that's what sucks about those jobs.

It's like you, cause like, you know, like when you do a job, like I sit and write reports all day, like we make mistakes. There's just a typo in my report. Like if I, if my gaze or attention doses off. Yeah.

You know, but like for that kind of job and, but like the more you do stuff, the more comfortable you get. The less you pay attention. So he's what? 60. He's going to be 65. Like he's done this stuff, I don't know, since his 20s. So you've done this like however many times,

like tens of thousands of times, you know? Yeah. And even at his job, like hundreds of times. And then he's actually, he said he got really lucky because just the amount of the blade that was exposed was like the least amount possible. Oh, shit. So in a table saw, you have the saw,

but you can like raise the table and it was like raised like pretty high so there was only a little bit but yeah and then so that it was just so wild too like i was thinking about like god what you what you get exposed to on a daily basis the x-ray tech so he was telling us of like yeah i've seen fingers severed i've seen guys come in multiple times you know he lost his pinky then he lost this and we're like holy shit and he's like you guys are really lucky and then i hear him he just goes and he's probably not even uh the guy who keeps coming in losing his fingers he's probably not even like uh like a carpenter he just keeps losing bets to the mafia yeah he just yeah he's in like the yakuza and he just keeps fucking up. He's like, oh, man, I'm such a klutz.

Yeah, and then you're like, he just has to have a story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he just like shut it in a door. He's like, oh, I was making metal stuff. But the dude, the tech, yeah, like as soon as we were done, he was like, all right, well, good luck, guys. And then I heard him FaceTiming his son and he's like, so you're doing your homework? Oh, okay.

All right. It's just like you can look at this dude's mangled fingers and be like, yeah, it's fucked up. All right. How are you doing, Brian? Just call your kid. That's nice you told him because I've asked texts so many times. And they're like, well, I can't tell you anything. Well, he said he was like what I'm saying.

The doctor might say something different. But of course, because I't but it was i was so glad that he did yeah because you just want to know in hospitals you sit around and wait forever yeah so that's what we were doing too like at the scene that i was in in the waiting room too i felt like i was in um like an independent movie yeah it's like so we're in this waiting room and we had to be there for a long time the dude next to me um this big dude he's passed out like snoring drooling there's a couple of deaf people to the left in front of me and they're having a good time just going back and forth and laughing then there's an older woman that had been there for like eight hours she started to get her nose started to bleed so she had just like tissue in it and then my dad's there with his fucked up fingers and then there were these two older ladies i don't know what they were there for but that was like the crew in there oh

my god the news was on they just had uh like a local station on and so from like four o'clock to like eight o'clock it's just all news they just like replay it and so they showed a story and i knew it was coming because i had seen a bunch of times it was like a little girl found like dead yeah yeah so when the story came back up it and it's not this woman's fault but like just and you can't hear you just see the tv in the chiron it was like missing seven year old girl found and this woman's gonna oh they found her and then the next next screen goes body found she goes oh it ain't good when they find a body that's awesome body that ain't good it ain't good dude yeah that like thank god for cell phones in

that moment yeah dude i've been in waiting rooms when i was a kid it sucks yeah i mean we were just there forever and we're waiting i was trying to get my dad tylenol and he couldn't get it like the woman that we kept asking she was like i'm working on and like i'm sure she is fucking busy but eventually i just went in the back and i was like i need to get a coffee so i went and got a coffee and then i went to the pharmacy to just buy tylenol but while i was waiting in line there's a dude in front of me at the at the pharmacist and he was getting i don't know what exactly he got but i think it was oxycodone it was what the pharmacist was giving him he's like it's this and then uh uh

here's the narcan i was like narcan like narcan's the shit that brings you back to life after you od on opiates and like heroin all right i didn't know that pharmacists could give you that weird maybe it does something else we don't know maybe but it's funny it's like here's the thing that'll kill you here's the thing that'll save you she was about to have a party dude i know i know yeah and then uh then matt's boss uh this dude bill he was really nice i when i came back out in the waiting room he was there and i was like oh shit it was nice of him to come wow so bill was actually in a safety meeting when matt fucked his finger up that's hilarious so is your dad like back at work what's he doing so that was

thursday and so it's his dominant hand so even then so we get the x-rays and we still had to wait for him to get stitched up and that was like hours later and so that was tense too because when they're taking the gauze off oh that hurts yeah because the it's dried in the wound and all that stuff and also matt still hasn't seen his actual fingers like no one has and so they take it off the pinky and it's just like or not the pinky sorry the uh index finger and it's just kind of like sliced like real bad up the front and he was like do you think that's the worst like the worst of the two and the doctor's like i don't know and then so it's just so weird like the unveiling of the fingers like just waiting to see if my dad's fingers like a fucking filleted hot dog or something

he's gonna keep all his fingers yes and they're gonna work yeah nice and huge yeah the doctor said that was like the cleanest uh cut she's seen of those ever wow for like and i was like that just speaks to what a good carpenter you are what precision huh yeah that's great but yeah no and so he got stitches in his uh that was gnarly too they They had to put a, not Novocaine, but Lidocaine, the stuff that like numbs your wounds up when you get stitches. They had to put a needle in his palm to like numb up his fingers. And then when he got stitches in his index finger, they had to put the needle through his fingernail

to like stitch the finger in the front. And then his middle finger, she goes, goes she goes so they have to push it from the bottom of his finger through his nail how hard do you have to push pretty hard holy fucking yeah yeah yeah my dad's a pretty tough dude and he was like oh like oh yeah it was like watching torture watch that and then she got to the middle finger and was like there's actually so much missing here there's nothing to stitch to like it like took out just like a big chunk of his middle finger so she's like there's nothing to like press together you know and he's like well that's fucked up because my middle finger is more numb than my index finger

but yeah we left and we got popeyes and uh had some good times and watch the outsider what's that i was talking about that yeah it's hbo show it's really good we don't have i gotta get hbo i want to watch that mcdonald's yeah me too i'm letting that stack up yeah i'm gonna let it stack up there's like six episodes oh smart and cancel yeah outsider is good it's a it's a steven it's based on a steven king uh novel but it kind of has like a true detective vibe with all right super natural like a series yeah yeah so i think they're just doing one season but yeah they're like six or seven episodes nice dude yeah was it a young doctor at the er that's isn't that weird now when you if you go to a hospital

the chances are you having like a doctor who you're older than is getting higher now. It's weird. Yeah, Matt was like, she's hot. She was cool. She had a really good sense of humor and she was really nice. Yeah, it's also weird to have a hot nurse too. I remember my dad was like, he had a heart attack and he had to be in the hospital for like a week or something like yeah just like so many hot nurses really oh yeah i'm like damn this is nuts ours was a dude that was like kind of nervous yeah yeah but i mean still hot for sure oh i i

would hate i don't know if i told this story but uh i had to go to a dermatologist to like, I had something on my penis area. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? This was years ago. Uh-huh. What was it? Well, you know, I don't know. It was like something that's gone and does not come back.

Thank God. Interesting. He's talking about pussy, folks. Woo! Has it come back yet yeah and i remember i showed up to the okay so yeah i had this thing i went to one doctor at um a patient first and this guy like didn't even want to look at it really he's like he's like and then he was like all right let's see it open up so i'm standing tells me to open up he's like i don't know four

feet away from me and just gives it a side glance he's like ah it's just ingrown hairs i'm standing tells me to open up he's like i don't know four feet away from me and just gives it a side glance he's like ah it's just ingrown hairs i'm like oh thank god so then but then like four or five days go by and it just doesn't go away doesn't itch or anything doesn't go away though yeah and i'm like uh so i made an appointment with a dermatologist so then i'm like freaking out i just started dating a girl i told her we we had like just had sex it was the second time she's ever had sex with anybody wow and i had to tell her i'm like i think i might have an std so i so yeah i go to the dermatologist and i'm in i go and the receptionist because they all i think for the most part they know why you're there and she's like do i know you from somewhere and i'm like

no i was like i don't think so she's like i know you from somewhere where is it and she's like a hot chick my age i'm like yeah i don't know i was like i don't think we know each other she's like i'm gonna figure it out before you leave i was like please don't look at my file any more than you need to leave me alone she's just like flipping through like where this guy go to high school i think we went to high school together oh okay yeah i knew because that office is right near my high school i thought she's gonna be like i saw you at a show no no i wasn't i think i had like just started doing stand-up i wasn't i was like that would have been worse too she's like because you're not funny yeah horrible

and you got warts or whatever yeah it wasn't warts but yeah it was herpes it's fine everybody has them so then i go into like the doctor's waiting or i go into like the observation room whatever you call it and it's tiny it's like half the size of my living room if not a little smaller and then the the nurse who does like intake she's like okay so the doctor also uh oh no they didn't tell me the doctor came in and was like do you mind if some uh my students come in and it was just like all happening at one time i guess and to observe eight fucking med students walking i'm talking about eight most of them are women incredible and i had to pull my pants down yeah and he's like yep he's like you got that from somebody and uh and then he was like yeah

come take a look and then all of them did the like you know where you like as if you're looking down like uh over a cliff or something yeah that look they're like looking down at me and like so one by one they each walk over to my shriveled ass dick i was gonna say that i was just like should it be that small yeah the smallest dick i've ever had clinically speaking this is a penis yeah and they're all just taking a look at my dick and it's just like yep he's got an std yep that's what it looks like. And I was just like, wow, this is horrific that this is allowed. Yeah, no, that's like an over-the-top sitcom. Yeah, I was just like, all right, now bring in the hot med students.

I was waiting for Jamie Kennedy to come. Bro, you got X. And you got herpes. No, it's not herpes. It's something called molluscum contagiosum. It sounds like a Harry Potter made up thing. It does, yeah. But it's like a harry potter made up thing it does yeah but it's like a thing that usually kids get it like on their arms and legs and shit and once you get

it once you'll never get it again you're immune to it but it's like little warts that go away i had to put some like acid cream on it to like burn them off it would they would like turn these huge scabs that would like bleed and fall off it was and it took seven months to get rid of oh it was gnarly that is gross and that's on your dick yeah well like on like the base on your pubic region it was pretty gnarly yeah it was bad dude what a way to get rid of it they're like it's gonna get worse i only dated that chick for a year so she had to deal with that for a long time most of it yeah damn she's probably like i don't know if i'm gonna have sex anymore she was a champ sure yeah sure yeah big yeah absolutely mvp right yeah it was a

bummer dude uh yeesh um yeah no i i don't think i've had anything like that. I mean, I had the thing where I thought that I had fucking AIDS and herpes when I had shingles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was... That sucks. That was very scary. But yeah, it ended up being fine. Did that make it into your recording story? Yeah, yeah.

It's at the end. They did not give it up as much as they should have at the end, but I'm like, it's all right. Wait, what did you close on? On AIDS, that story yeah yeah it's at the end they did not give it up as much as they should have at the end but i'm like it's all right wait what did you close on on aids that story did you not close on the braces thing uh i do that right before so i do that so that's around like the 40 minute mark somewhere in there and then i do the aids can you swap it yeah i mean it's fine also i think nobody's gonna be watching the full thing anyway yeah it's just nice to have like good we're talking about josh's special yeah yeah which uh which i've been editing uh it's yeah you gotta premiere it dude it's gonna be called have a blessed day and yeah it's gonna premiere at the ellicott city ellicott silly comedy festival on march 28th or 21st i'll

let you know see you sometime yeah oh totally so i mean i'm happy with it but yeah i mean if you have a crowd of 50 plus people it's tough yeah because i watch my mcgoobie sets like speaking of performing in a theater mcgoobie sold out it was just like yeah mcgoobie is 350 people and it's so loud so that's 150 people shy of what ram set holds yeah exactly which when you think about it, is crazy. Mm-hmm. And so many people. And it's just so much easier when there's more people.

So easy. It's so... And it feels great. It feels so good. Damn. Yeah. But no, I'm happy with the special. There's definitely a spot.

And they were so weird on the second night. Anytime I mentioned pot, they got so quiet. Yeah, uh county people are not that into pot like we like especially well like because you're probably near an older conservative area like older crowd and conservative yeah they're not the that into pot like joke around about it which they eventually did and i went out of them just like what is going on with you guys and i wait boy we don't smoke the devil's lettuce up here made fun of them and they were into it but even when i would like riff on them not liking it like i'd come back to it they're like no we really don't yeah like what the hell to them like it's

probably no different than heroin yeah it's bizarre but yeah they can all like drink beer and be wasted and shit i'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they can drink beer and drive home and they're like we don't smoke pot that's illegal because they're so into the law something yeah yeah you know what i mean it's also everybody drinks and drives but nobody does pot yeah it's funny i was having a conversation yesterday with somebody that made a pretty cool observation uh i don't know something came up and we're talking like the county and the city and stuff and uh and he was like dude the county is the new like the city and counties kind of have swapped like their identities because the count the county used to be like this place where it's like people with money i mean it still is a lot. But now it's like people with money and good jobs and blah, blah, blah.

But now the county is a lot of probably more blue collar. There's a lot of heroin. It's a little living with their parents. A little more redneck-y. Redneck-y. And the cities are where people with money are. Good jobs. Good jobs. and the cities are with like where people with money are and they are good jobs good jobs and the people like in the city who are raising families like put so much thought into like

raising a kid and yeah they wait they take their time they have less they make sure like they're they're you know like that their finances are in order yeah they're getting like the education that they it is like a it's funny like i was man, that is a really good observation, like how they have swapped roles. I hope it keeps going too, though. Yeah, we'll see. The one thing that I learned in Nashville was... Because I was like, oh, the city of Nashville is so clean when I was out there.

And our buddy... Because the county and... Our buddies, Mace and Mary, were saying, so there's like Nashville County too, but their tax revenue... Hey, tax back is the same. Well, the revenue is shared. Sorry, that's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we don't have that in Baltimore City. were saying so there's like nashville county too but their tax revenue back is the same well the revenue is shared sorry that's yeah yeah yeah so but that's we don't have that in baltimore city

one of the few places that does that actually which is so insane well it's racism but yeah but the it's so insane that people from the county can come in use all this shit in the city but not pay for it and then be like hey this city sucks it's like well let's give some of those taxes over and we'll clean some shit up and they're like nothing uh-uh yeah no that place sucks i mean i'm gonna go there for ravens games but fuck that place yeah no that's exactly what happened there yeah like yeah it's crazy like uh also it sucks because the city we keep losing our population has been dwindling so you lose tax revenue whereas most cities are thriving and they're growing baltimore is losing population and yeah not only are you losing but the most of the people who live here they take out of the

system versus put into the system right so uh that's why we pay a lot more in tax like if you bought your home in the county oh yeah the same price you'd probably pay a couple hundred less a month my property taxes a year like four grand or somewhere in there yeah i gotta do my math i think it's like 300 some every month yeah i forget yeah i don't know what it is every month but yeah there's just because if i bought the same home size home in the county oh yeah well i don't know county homes are they they are pricier but you would get it would be probably the monthly payment would be the same listen i'm a rich millionaire homeowner in baltimore i don't care go i don't care you know but yeah so yeah that's that's funny that's like

a yeah thing yeah no i i hope that it keeps trending that way too of like investment in the city and all that oh yeah i just want hamden to like fucking be dc dude yeah yeah that's the bit that i'm trying to work on now about like gentrification being and it's kind of good as a homeowner yeah that's that's good because the um i tell the story of when me and Casey got, I don't know if I told her on the podcast, but me and Casey got lunch one day at the Avenue, on the Avenue.

So it's like seating on the sidewalk and like the spot with like all the bars and restaurants and like all the yuppies are having like the fish tacos and stuff. And we just heard this dude walking down the street. And the whole idea of the bit is like, even our like trash are getting better where it's like, you couldn't see the dude but you could hear him and he's like jenny jenny you fucking bitch jenny don't touch my shit you bitch we're all just like oh my god should we get a another mimosa you know and then like the dude walks in between all of us

and he realizes like that it's like an awkward vibe. And he goes, oh, I'm sorry about that. I hear the pesto's amazing here. Jenny, you bitch. Oh, really? That's so funny. That guy is just funny. He's being funny.

That's hilarious. Yeah, and I'm like, thank God. I hear the pesto. He's mocking you. He's like, oh, these guys look like... Yeah, yuppies. Yuppies. I was going to use another word.

Thank God I stopped myself. And they probably eat something that sounds gay like pesto. He's just calling you gay. Well, maybe. Yeah, maybe. But yeah, he had definitely like a serious look of like, oh, I'm sorry about that. But yeah, it could be both.

He could just be like, I don't give a fuck. And I'm also going to burn you as I go. Damn, that's so good. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, I actually had a similar bit where I think I did it like twice. i don't give a fuck and i'm also gonna burn you as i go damn that's so good that's great yeah i yeah i actually had a similar bit where i think i did like twice i was like i don't need to do this but it was something like uh how like yeah now i want gentrification to happen yeah and i was like yeah anytime i see like a like a white baby that looks like me flannel and black glasses i get so

happy i'm like we gotta protect Yeah, he's the chosen one. Yeah, because he's like going to be the one who's going to like, yeah, like, yeah, he's the future of this. Right, right, right, right, right. Like somebody get this kid a cold brew. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, get it to him. He needs a green juice for sure. He's going to build a skate park in 15 years with his parents money.

Yeah, we need to protect him at all costs. Get him some nice denim. 15 years? Yeah. With his parents' money? Yeah. We need to protect him at all costs. Get him some nice denim. Yeah, man. But so, yeah, I was supposed to do a show that Thursday, too, and then it got... Which show? I was doing it with the... I think I sent you the flyer, but it was... Oh, you did not miss much.

Todd Rex. And yeah, I mean, it was 50 bucks for 10 minutes. Oh, that sucks. So that would have been nice. But yeah, I felt bad for my dad just sitting there by himself. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, it was nice of that dude Bill to come out. And yeah, so then the rest of the weekend, just, yeah, Valentine's Day stuff.

Oh, did you do anything? Didn't really do shows. We bopped around on Friday. It was nice. We did. We went, speaking of the avenue we went to the avenue for happy hour and then we went to the bluebird uh pub uh downstairs okay that was nice that was really nice um we got a little bit of a some nice bourbon and they brought out like

water and a tincture yeah like and you can the water. And if you want to change the flavor profile, I'm like, I'm a little drunk. It's fine. But yeah, sometimes the justification is cool. But then sometimes you go to a place like that. Yeah. And you're just like, what the fuck are we doing, dude? What are we doing? Because then we went home and watched Parasite and I postmated McDonald's.

I was like, yeah. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Yeah. went home and watched parasite and i uh postmated mcdonald's i was like yeah oh my god that's hilarious yeah but i that's yeah like i just i'm just like god we really are i karen got me cbd chocolates for valentine's day oh which is very nice and uh i did feel relaxed for like cbd is bullshit it lasts for literally 10 minutes yeah i think it's a big placebo effect too yes karen agrees yes we have some topical stuff that i like but i think there's some other shit in there like it's for like muscle pain and stuff like that i don't know yeah that's yeah yeah the menthol is doing the heavy lifting for sure yeah yeah i don't yeah i mean i'm not that into cbd i just think it's like a funny yeah it's just like a funny thing i just do it socially i'm I thought I was doing the heavy lifting for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I mean, I'm not that into CBD.

I just think it's like a funny. Yeah. It's just like a funny thing. I just do it socially. I'm with you. I do it on the weekends. I'm not into CBD. Karen thinks I like fucking love CBD. You were.

Like last year you thought it was the greatest thing. Oh. Now you're talking about CBD. CBD. I'm just because I'm fucking around because it's all on podcasts and shit. And I had some free samples from Louis J. Gomez. You're like, look, I snorted some cbd so whatever a couple times there's like five shops that you can buy cbd there's a hemp uh yeah dispenser coming in remington yeah hemp is something you smoke and

get high right hemp hemp has no psychoactive ingredient i could have sworn you smoke and you get high no hemp is well that's why if you see stuff where it's like this purse is made out of hemp and you're like whoa it's made out of pot but you can buy it like it's hemp is just the stuff that you can use you can have like hemp paper and all that stuff or whatever hemp t-shirts and shit like an alternative to cotton or uh paper yeah and uh yeah well we we didn't do anything on that we went out to like dinner and shit but we don't you know i was like we're not gonna do anything and then i was like i guess we gotta do something yeah it was nice that like but it was cool that it wasn't like okay we're

gonna go get a fucking 200 meal or whatever it's like that's crazy we did we did happy hour got some drinks and then uh yeah we watchedite, which you and I saw. And I still think it has some not that great movie of the year. I don't know about that. Yeah, it was fine. I don't like the ending. Same thing about Uncut Gems. It was fine.

Yeah. Also, like Uncut Gems, I kind of wanted to walk out of the theater just because... You hate Jews. Well, I'll say Shane Gillis described it the most perfect way. He's like, dude, it is just Jews and blacks yapping. Because they're just talking. And the way the movie is so fast-paced, everyone's talking over each other. I would say for 80% of the movie.

Well, some of the movie well some of the actors in it too were not actors either yeah and it was rough bro and i'm like i'm getting a headache like i i don't know if i yeah yeah it's not an enjoyable movie it's it made me uncomfortable and like tense for most of it yeah and it was fine it wasn't great anytime i also thought about this like i i saw pictures of like a you know i always see pictures of people doing stuff i'm like man why am i not doing that like i don't do fun shit i want to do more fun shit but then you go do that stuff that they're doing and you're like yeah picking apples kind of sucks yeah you know like it's fine but like pictures like i think people i'm like are they having that much? Don't give me that look, Karen.

Are they having fun? Or it's just like, I just feel like so many times people are just doing stuff to take pictures and post it. Oh, that's all apple picking is. Yeah, because we went to go pick pumpkins one time. That too. That shit sucks. I don't like waiting in line. I don't like being on that hayride thing

anymore i don't like having to carry my fucking pumpkin it's fucking cold i don't like apple cider it's just like it's fucking lame dude i hear apple cider donuts are amazing though i yeah they had those we didn't get any i hear they're incredible oh oh and yeah so i was just like yeah i just think yeah i gotta stop um looking at pictures and being like my life sucks yeah that's all instagram is yeah well also their life sucks too and they're like hey can you just take this picture so it looks cool yeah i just want to know i'm like how fun is this uh even like a hike like i love a hike in the woods but like you see other people doing it and you're just like damn they are having a blast and then you go do it you're like it's a little chilly a little overcast yeah it's just like it's muddy

karen what are you looking at sorry karen's putting away uh dishes like she should yeah karen what what's it what's upsetting you right now no say it karen okay karen said uh for those listening home umar is dumb yeah she's called me dumb she doesn't have a microphone but umar is dumb yeah i just think peter muth had a uh like what we're talking about peter muth uh super funny good instagram follow. But you know how he does like songs sometimes, like those one-minute songs? He had a song where it was like dedicated to craft brewers or people that brew their own beer at home. Oh, yeah. And he was just like, hey, people that brew at home, I'll go buy you a six-pack. Where you're like, that's how I feel about that.

Like apple picking, like i can go to the grocery store they have good apples there's so much beer now like i guess if you like like and then you drive an hour to go pick yeah and shit and it's just karen i swear to god if they keep looking at me just don't look over there like doing this shit and uh jeez wow wow umar just walked the room damn umar just walked the audience cops just looking at her like bitch where you going where you going he's like put those dishes away uh i forgot i lost my train of thought no a lot of that stuff like i i don't like that like the yeah the apple picking or whatever i'm like we have apples we don't have to do that that's yeah and then a lot of times and i don't

know if i'm gonna articulate this correctly but a lot of times number six million seems a little high well it's also like how much traveling are you people do i'm like how do people travel this much like how like i'll see people when you so i'm like i feel like they're always in a field in like a very nice vest and like outdoors clothes i'm like how much outdoors i'm like do you have three thousand dollars and out in outdoors clothes by the way you know like crazy probably just like what's the same shit that we talk about where it's there's young people that don't have kids that have money yeah and you can spend that i know some of these people they don't have money oh you know that's the weird part so maybe yeah i guess

you go in debt i don't know you put that shit on the credit card yeah i don't know mom and dad i don't know i just know that when i when we go on that cruise for the honeymoon your boy is going to be taking so many pictures. So many pictures. I'm going to be the guy that's like, the day we get back, I'm going to post a picture that's incredible on the French Riviera and be like, take me back.

Yeah. That's another thing with girls. This is what girls do. Do we have to come back? When they want to just post a picture of them when they look in a bikini, but it's December they're like just thinking of vacation missing vacation it's just a picture of them looking hot as shit in a bikini on a beach yeah so that's like another one trick and then uh like it's tax season now it's like oh why am i doing my taxes i should be in saint martin's picture

of them with their tits like i guess it's related yeah and then uh another these whores will use father's day as an excuse to post pictures of their wedding pictures that's next level yeah like you even see have you seen that no oh dude i'll notice next father's day christ like every chick who is married will just post a picture of of like them like dancing with their father or something it's just like are they whores though i don't know i'm just saying i'm just kidding i'm just fucking around i know but i know you're fucking around but i was just looking for the i don't know oh well they just want to show another picture where they look great gotcha that's what it is it's not about their dad i thought you'd be like these just want an

excuse to show a picture when they're in a dress makeup hair did all that i thought you're saying their point is they don't love their dad there was some other guy these sluts oh you love him but how come you married him you slut yeah and it's just like you know i'm sure there's also some just solo shots of your dad from the wedding where he looks great yeah yeah yeah as a young guy too yeah or yeah a young what about your dad's wedding yeah yeah let's see post a sexy picture of your dad you coward yeah it's you actually love crazy yeah women are out of control out of control on the internet bro these fucking whores though dude yeah yeah these whores posting a picture of their uh their kids being like i love my kid slut yeah a buddy of mine uh just i i won't

name names but he did a show uh recently and afterwards like some comics male and female comics were like oh you're just standing here because you want to get compliments. It's like, well, first of all, duh. It feels great getting compliments. We all do it. Second, all you chicks, comic chicks post pictures of your ass nonstop on Instagram. So who the fuck are you talking to about attention? It's crazy. You know?

At least he's getting compliments for something he worked towards you know yeah you got to work toward that tush though huh yeah some of them i don't think some of them do yeah i think yes i oh dude i did um uh a bar class with karen that pure bar class it was like a couple's night thing that shit is so hard oh yeah chicks work out like they're in the fucking military it's bananas oh yeah yeah where it's like you're wrapping this thing around your legs and then you lay down you put your legs up on the bar and you're doing all this ab shit i'm like this is hard yeah chicks have more ab endurance than men oh yeah and it's a lot of like core stuff yeah stretching and stuff but yeah it was uh it was pretty funny though it's like and then you

get a free beer and pizza like all right all right oh is that what they do after yeah but the class was free for the dudes and so when we were all taking a picture together after i was like we're gonna do this again next year right guys can't wait why was it free for the dudes uh i think it's because they're trying to get us in there to be like you could do it too and then it was like a valentine's day promotion yeah it was fun karen took a pilates class she was like you should do one i was like i'm good yeah i don't know what pilates is i think there's a pilates studio at the rotunda yeah there definitely is yeah i don't i don't know if it's like uh yoga adjacent i know there's a ball because there's there's like a lot of sometimes there's like a bunch of equipment involved. I don't know what I think.

It's just stretching somehow. A lot of women centered. Well, there's also so many women on Instagram that I look at that are just so in shape could kick my ass and do way harder workouts. Yeah, but I think the average woman, a lot of their workout revolves around abs and stretching. Abs and butts. Butts, yes. Abs and butt work. The two things we care about the most. Yep.

Yeah. Those are our alter egos. We're abs and butts in the morning. Speaking of abs and butts in the morning, we're signing off. Oh, wow. We did it. We hit an hour. Woo.

Hit a dang hour. Dude, I'm like ready for bed. Yeah. I mean, it's what? Like Cobb. Look at Cobb. He's passed out. Cobb. Cobb's kind of fat, I'm like ready for bed. Yeah, I mean, it's what? Like Cobb. Look at Cobb. He's passed out. Cobb.

Cobb's kind of fat, I think. Whoa. His ear went right up when you said that. The dog is sleeping on the ground, and then Umar called him fat, and his ear went up to like a 90 degree angle. It was like out of a cartoon. Yeah, it was like whoop. Cobb, you fat.

Let's try this. Cheesecake. His ears go way up all right man well yeah this is a good pod let's let's promo some shit of whatever i got nothing on the books i will be oh that's not true yeah i'm sure you got some stuff i'll be at the the dc improv this week thursday through saturday and i will be with steve burn um hosting those shows

one show on thursday two on friday two on saturday excited for that um and then my band if you're in the annapolis area or the eastern shore area tremendous athlete will be playing at tsunami on monday or sunday march 1st, playing a bunch of new songs. I'm excited for that. So yeah, come out to that. Wait, when is that? March 1st in Annapolis. Wait, did you guys already have your show

at the Metro Gallery? No, that's the 21st. Cool, I'll be there. Nice. We need 30 people to come out to that. So come out. Why? I told the promoter we could.

The guy was like, and also we're the fifth band on the show. It's cool. Tell your friends to come late, dude. Well, we're going to be first. So, I mean, we're the, like there's five bands on the bill. Oh, fifth billing.

Yeah. We play first. Yes. Yeah. What happens if 30 people don't come? They just won't have you back. Well, it's not, so it's not through Metro Gallery. It's through the promoter.

But it's weird because so the people that are headlining are actually friends of mine that I've known since I worked at Lido's as a teenager. Oh, that's cool. And they live in Baltimore now and they have a band. And they're like, yeah, we'd love for your band to play. I was like, cool. And so it's their show. And then the dude that's promoting it was like hey man uh i talked to the guys they want to have you on the show it's just you know i i take my job seriously and

i want the the venue to know i take it seriously so it's we always try to have packed events can you bring 30 people and i was like yeah you bet 30 that's a that's a big number well if you each can bring like seven yeah and i'm thinking the guy might just be like, well, if they each bring like, if they can bring like 15 people total, that'd be great. Also, no one's going to know they're there for you. Yeah, I think. Yeah, exactly. So also, it's like I want a ton of people to come out.

If we have 20 people come out, that'll be nice. How long is your set? I think we're doing probably with five bands, I'd say a half hour at the most. Wow, that's a long set for five bands. I know. So maybe it might be even like 20. But also we're going to make it so it's like there's no tuning in between. If there is, we're just going to rip through because our new songs are so good.

Nice. I like them a lot. So yeah, so we're just going to try to play like maybe seven or eight songs, just like back to back to back and just blow it out. But yeah, so that'll be on the 21st in baltimore come out to that at metro gallery and uh if you're in the annapolis area on march 1st we're playing at tsunami uh on that sunday and i think we're going around 9 30 and it's free so come out to that and uh yeah follow us on social medias uh matt josh gaderno and all that stuff cool and my only fans and uh yeah i'll be at uh pasatano's on the 22nd hosting rameen's headlining i think wendy robileski no pearl

is featuring it doesn't you don't know any of us it doesn't matter but come out and uh nobody gives a shit and uh the 28th and 29th of February, I'm doing some weird ass shows in Ashburn, Virginia at Topgolf. Oh, yeah. Resorts and whatever. That's going to... I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's going to suck. But...

Might be good. Might be good. Might suck. It pays pretty well. We're doing two shows Friday, three shows Saturday, starting at 530. Oof. Well, at least the sun will be down. Yeah.

I think by then. It is going to be rough. Yeesh. And thank God I don't have to close out. I'm first after the host. My ass will be driving home immediately. The Topgolf places, they have... have i don't know what it is really it's like indoor golf i i think so uh on matt and shane's podcast yes matt did it and he said

they have a room dedicated just to comedy so so the okay yeah so the booker who booked me for this uh books a lot of shows in dc and he said and i told him that i was like oh that's funny dude because uh i listened to uh shane gillis's co-host on matt and shane matt he says he's only doing top golf shows from right now on and the booker in dc was like oh that's funny because the owner of helium is the one who was putting these shows together gotcha so that's probably how mac got yeah got it got it interesante muy muy muy interesting all right speaking of narcos season two oh i haven't watched any of that show narcos rules uh oh uh yeah come to chin and jokes every first thursday jason weems is making his return he'll be its third time headlining. It's always fun when he's there.

He will not do two hours this time. I will give him a hard cut off at 45. And yeah, and then Umar Khan 821 on social media. On the social medias. All right, everybody. Thank you for listening. And yeah, we'll talk to you next week. David Koechner, take us out.

Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Bye.