The Digression Sessions - Ep. 311 - Live From The Quarantine

Episode Date: March 14, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on the Corona and shows and the whatnot. Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

TAGE NETWORK That's a Gotti. The number one manufacturer of IV bags, the factory or wherever it is, was in Puerto Rico. Oh, God. That's when the hurricane went through there like a year and a half ago yeah so they're yeah it's like why would we have that there dude it's nuts oh this is also it's a horrible time because like tonight you know it's like the second it's kind of like the mild super tuesday you know like like this is make or break for bernie tonight okay tuesday they call okay tuesday yeah and t, like this is make or break for Bernie tonight.

Okay Tuesday, they call it. Okay Tuesday, yeah. It's fine Tuesday. Yeah, it's make or break for Bernie, but you know, it should be a good thing because hopefully old people stay home. Well, I tell you, the young people have been staying home too,

and that's Bernie's problem. All the Biden. Hi, I'm Josh Kaderna. I can't take, hey. With a political moment. Politics. I can't take it anymore, dude. Can't take what? Just the like can't take it anymore, dude. I can't.

Can't take what? Just the hot takes. Hot takes. And I made fun of Warren a little bit, and I made fun of her on stage on Thursday. It was just fun, and it was playful. But today I saw my buddy, our buddy, Owen, sent me an article. He article he's like dude look at this these warren staffers it's just it's just like apparently like her the color they used for her campaign is like the same green they used for the statue of liberty okay you know how each color has like a code like cf

oh one that tattooed and they got that tattooed on them. Yeah. And people said it looked like a Holocaust numbering. And so people were mocking the Warren staffers for being anti-Semitic and like disrespecting. And it's just like, do you guys really think when they got that tattoo that that's what they were thinking? Like, oh yeah, let's get tattoos that look like a Holocaust survivorsust survivors tattoo yeah also what are they supposed to do get it it's like a massive chest piece with like an eagle behind it and it's just like they just

wanted these letters because they were part of a movement that they believed in and then owens like oh you're such an edge edge lord that you can't even find humor in this i'm like i'm the same one in this conversation dude also this sounds like a russian bot like trying to get people mad at each other yeah because no one is that mad about it three people on twitter are mad about it and then why are people writing articles about it it's like listen i hope i hope owen's been doing yoga because that's a bit of a stretch yeah it's just great like and i'm just so sick of stuff like that where it's just like guys what do we she's not in the race yeah well now they're like each other she doesn't endorse bernie it's like that's another weird thing too it's like okay if my person dropped out like say i was a

pete budaj guy and he was like biden i wouldn't be like well he says it's biden so it's gotta be biden like yeah some people are like that i think i think you under we underestimate how simple most americans are i mean that's what got that where biden where he is now like he is literally like his brain has been leaking out of his ears for months and then people are like well obama liked him and i like obama for him but i also think you know the russians are coming after biden because i apparently uh there's a video today of him like yelling. Oh, it's some guy like a factory worker in Michigan. I guarantee you that fact.

It was something about how he's like taking guns away. Yeah. I guarantee you he's a plant from conservatives. That would be so funny. It's like, hello. Yes. My name is John from Dearborn, Michigan. And what?

And Biden said that's bullshit or something or something like that it's like yeah it is bullshit and like yeah cool for him for saying that to a douchebag i did have that thought i didn't even read the article from like the same standpoint that you're saying of being exhausted from it i'm like who care like also it would be if warren or uh sanders said that it would be like yas queen it is yeah i know things need to change yeah kamala hair if i love that kamala harris is uh backing biden now because everyone's like yas queen you know it's just like yeah oh she yeah she she's backing an established old white she was semi-racist guy she was always establishment she was a no for sure prosecutor

people were behind her for a while because she was sassy during a debate oh oh yeah that's a loaded word she was a gun but they did the same thing with war and then when warren got warren was like i'm gonna be mean i'm gonna take down bloomberg then everyone's like yeah let's get warren's the fucking chick you know it's just like well so she was sassy and then well i think kamala was so um calculated yeah because there is i forget what she said during one debate where she said something of like i am that girl or was like telling a story about yeah and then her past came out well no like immediately after that on twitter her uh her team or from her Twitter tweeted. It was like, buy I am that girl t-shirts at Kamala Harris.

Yeah, they go in there. We're talking, you know, they have an act just like we have an act. Totally. Yeah, that is funny. A politician is like, meet me in the back. I'll be selling t-shirts after the show. I'll be selling an I am that girl shirt after the show. You guys are a lot of fun.

I have an Instagram. It's at Senator Kamala Harris. Before I wrap up real quick. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. You You guys are a lot of fun. I have an Instagram. It's at Senator Kamala Harris. Hey, before I wrap up real quick. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. You guys have been a lot of fun tonight. How about give it up for your moderators?

They have to treat them like the waitstaff. All right. Yeah. Give it up for your moderators. Yeah. They're doing their thing out there. Man, you guys are a lot more fun than the last debate. Yeah.

No, the early debate, they were lame. They were lame. I lame i love a saturday night late show the chicken fingers yeah exactly exactly so yeah i i it's i mean we haven't seen any results because it is uh not so super tuesday no well also do the like it's just great okay like trump is president the russians... I spit out my drink. I'm like, who is? The Russians and Saudi Arabia are in a fucking... Oil war.

Oil war. Crazy, like, Joe Biden's going to be nominated probably. Yeah. And there's a virus sweeping the nation. No, the world. This is like a doomsday movie, like the start, where they just show clips of politicians saying stupid, idiotic things. You see the news cutting back and forth.

It's in China right now. Oh, it's spreading here, and it's spreading here, and you're just going about your day, and then you're just like, holy shit, we're all going to die. Yeah, that's the two idiots podcasting. man comedy's weird waiting to see a missile in the background land and an explosion happens yeah there's just it turns into an action movie just a dark nuclear sky yeah probably in pennsylvania we gotta get out of here there's a little black girl with him for some reason all right yeah kevin hart and the rock show up yeah oh my god we are in trouble the rock can't stop making like little joke little person jokes at kevin hart's expense yeah yeah we are in big trouble huh oh sorry i didn't mean

you wouldn't know about that you wouldn't know about big trouble would you little hey hey kev Hey, Kev, has the coronavirus gotten down there yet? Man, what the... Come on, Rock. Come on, The Rock. Why are you saying that to me? Yeah, everything you see, it's scary. And then there's the people that are like, it's nothing. It's like, dude, it's definitely something. It is something.

And yeah, I don't know. They canceled South by Southwest, which they should. Which at first I was like, did South by Southwest say something right? Yeah. Yeah. They call Kamala Harris sassy. South by Southwest apologizes for comments about. I know the people of Austin started a petition.

They're like, dude, we don't want people from all around the world. All over the world. Hundreds of thousands of people. Yeah. Port-a-potties and ugh. And then I saw someone make a post like, well, you know, like their local economy took a huge hit. He's like, yeah, that sucks. But also, you don't want...

Dude, if I was in Austin and that happened, I would be so furious. Yeah. I bet everybody that lives there is annoyed by it anyway. Oh, yeah. Well, some people like... Sure. I guess definitely rely on it for their source of income yeah like vendors and all that stuff yeah but yeah no i mean it's that or just absolutely i mean how much money you're gonna make during a lockdown anyway yeah it's like you now have the most corona in the world congrats robert kelly had a funny line he's like is it me or uh or am i is it me or is this is

a or uh asian people just walking around a lot lately jesus jesus but yeah it is true like anybody that coughs a little bit you're like yeah karen's brother with his karen's family was here they flew here and he said he coughed and two people got up and moved away from him on the plane yeah i get it but also if you're on that plane you're done for we're getting on a plane in a couple weeks dude well i mean if you get on a plane that somebody has it oh my god that's why keeping people on the cruise is so stupid like if somebody on the cruise has it you should get everybody off of it like the the one that then do what put them somewhere put them in separate rooms 3 500 people yeah you're we weren't prepared for that you're the government

be like uh days in hotel guess what we're buying this we're taking it over do something find some facility because cruise ship is all recycled air oh god think about being on a cruise you're there with your whole family and you're just stuck stuck two people on the cruise have already filed a lawsuit from the from the boat what are they claiming i mean i i don't know i would be the fish was overcooked no we're having the time of our lives yeah thank god the comedians weren't that good oh dude imagine being a comedian and you get stuck on a cruise you've been bombing the whole time yeah you're yeah oh my god i would be happy if i was bombing on it because you're being paid to be there you're just bombing and the last set like i hope you all get sick yeah i have it i'm gonna

lick everything in here before oh my god that i thought about because we know a couple cruise comedians i was like i wonder like because one you're out of work no one's going on cruises if you go on a cruise right now you're an idiot 100 you deserve to die 100 yeah yeah cruises are crazy too i watched a documentary on cruises yeah, to build a cruise ship is in, I mean, the amount of engineering and science is remarkable. It's massive. Floating cities, they call it. Dude, it's crazy. And floating toilets.

Like, the fact that we can even do it, and let alone that we did it before we even had, like, crazy technology, you know, like the Titanic was built. It's insane. It's crazy. It's crazy. The amount of people that have to come together to make this thing work. They build these two huge, like halves of the ship and then combine them and then weld them together.

Yeah. It's like unfucking real, dude. And then it is filled with the world's dumbest people it's so crazy like people are just like oh a buffet like it's just picturing the architect he's like oh my god i didn't plan for so many scooters they're like those like electric wheelchair things oh dude yeah The world's smartest engineers playing these things. And then it's just filled with like Glenn Burney, Dundalk trash.

That's crazy. That said, going on a cruise for the old honeymoon this summer. Dude, they're saying it's going to take like a year. I know. To wipe out this virus. So we haven't paid for it. And it's all over Europe. We haven't paid for anything yet.

But yeah, we're supposed to go to Italy. Go to Africa. italy france and spain not going to italy yeah well you'll be like you know what babe actually we're going to south africa the only place that isn't really feeling it yeah um yeah i saw a thing where it was uh it was like coronavirus shows up to North Korea and then they just kill the person that has it and they're like, oh, well, I guess it's over. Is North Korea not? They wouldn't even keep statistics. I mean, how would you know? Yeah, they're not reporting to the world,

but that's how ruthless they would be. It's like, oh, you four people have it? You're dead. Like, okay. When's the last time something like this happened? It was like 1917? 1918, I think, into 1919 was the Spanish flu. And I mean, yeah, you know.

Isn't that what Bill Cosby was giving women? That's Spanish fly. Spanish fly. And yep, that's what it was. He's actually a time traveler. He went back and he raped 50 million people. Is he in jail right now? Yeah. Wow. Prison, yeah. a time traveler he went back and he raped 50 million people in jail right now yeah wow prison

yeah now uh the spanish flu so that's what they worry about with this one because the spanish flu had a similar start where it started in like the late uh winter it actually started in america i think on a military base why is it called sp Spanish? The one guy had he had a taco bad taco. I love that like it starts here and we're like, let's blame it on color people. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, some dude named like Ted Smith

got it. It's like it's probably some fucking immigrant. Yeah, but it was dead. But yeah, no. So that's the thing. It starts out really it starts out bad, but it starts out like uh it's it starts out bad but it starts out like kind of in the winterish and then it dies down in the spring in the summer that's why trump's like yeah everybody's saying it's gonna go away in april and it's like no nobody's saying that but it's just there's less flu then but uh the spanish flu similar thing happened where it started

out in the winter went away and then when it came back in the fall, it was way worse because it had mutated and gotten stronger as well. Oh, fuck. Dude, think about getting in pools this summer. Like, I'm not doing that. I don't know. With the chlorine, does that kill germs? I mean, I don't know. Fuck that.

I don't know. Dude, well, here's the thing. I've worked in pools. Yeah. Do you know how many times there was literally zero chlorine in the pool and we just lied? Oh, really? And we were told by the pool company to lie damn yeah well so many times there's not a chlorine in the pool

yeah and i'm not trusting these city pools well that's i mean i don't really go to too many well i do i like taking uh swimming laps i love a pool yeah i mean we're supposed to go to but then it's not it's just like and then carol was like carol was like okay well like if they can't like you can't you shouldn't go to the gym well that's it so yeah my karen today she was like i don't know if i'm gonna go to my my uh bar class and i was like yeah but if you don't go today you shouldn't go for like months months yeah because that's it well my karen does this uh this thing called fabrics. It's like, I don't know, it's like a fabric thing that hangs from the ceiling and you climb up it and do tricks and shit.

Oh, okay. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I was picturing just like a sewing circle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My chick does hot fabric where it gets really warm in the room. And then so a girl in their group posted like, hey, what are you guys doing

to take precautions for the coronavirus and caro was just like yeah it's fat they'll never be clean it just will never be clean like you know there's nothing they can do they're not you can't disinfect fabric and you can't they're not going to wash them every time and multiple people share them multiple times a day yeah i mean there's so much stuff like every doorknob. Anywhere you go. Yeah, the gym is disgusting, dude. Yeah, of course. Phones, phones.

Oh, your phone is the worst. It's one of the... I mean, yeah, everybody's on that thing while they take a shit. You're holding your phone before and after you wipe your ass. You know? Yeah. Cobb's trying to get attention. He's such a bitch.

He's handsome. Now he's walking away because we didn't give him any. Nah, he's handsome. He just had an itchy back. He had an itchy back, Cobb. Mm-mm, Cobb's trying to get attention. He's such a bitch. He's handsome. Now he's walking away because we didn't give him any. No, he's handsome. He just had an itchy back. He had an itchy back, Cobb. Mm-mm, Cobb, get out of here. Oh, come on. All right, all right.

Lay down, Cobb. Listen, he's an immigrant. He doesn't respect dogs. He is, yeah. I'm a white guy. I love a dog. Boy, here he goes. He's been barking at a lot of black teens recently.

Yeah, so is Boo. Oh, yeah. Oh, dude, Boo always barks at black people it's yeah very embarrassing black kids also like uh when they see a pit bull like oh it's a pit it's a pit and they always like get away from it's hilarious yeah there is one little girl that started crying when she saw boo and it's like i mean he is crazy but yeah yeah no some people hate my mom hey it's frightened to death of dog really and cat she had said she had like some dream about a cat i was like but mom you're a fucking adult uh maybe she

grew up being chased by dogs i don't know i don't know maybe she got raped by a dog your lives are so wildly different i know it's crazy i live in a house with a pit bull yeah and a white chick i'm not married i'm drinking whiskey yeah karen's having a that is the nightmare that she had was like this exact moment yeah that's her nightmare that her son is gonna find a white woman and move in with the dog my son's life is ruined i kept seeing was that dog my god my god yeah so yeah man i don't know i think it's uh i think it's only going to get worse. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Why would it get better? Yeah. Well, there's... How do you contain it? So, they're saying don't go into large groups. Keep your... Well, I guess comedy.

Guys, please, still come to comedy shows. Yeah, I did Lorton last Friday, and i was like man you guys really don't give a fuck oh yeah this crowd the showcase yeah how was it it was fun nice it looked fun it was fun man line up um yeah it was it was really fun but i was like yeah you guys don't give a fuck you're like i'm gonna get corona in a prison let's do it let's do it no it was very cool it was andy klein camille uh roberts my doppelganger uh and matt deakins and ramin and he was a sweetheart ramin bought uh sandwiches for everybody oh that's nice it was fun it was like having like a team dad or something oh yeah yeah play soccer he's like all

right okay sandwiches the charcuterie board for us and stuff yeah he's a sweet he's a sweetie it was good man and then saturday i did east in maryland at a place called snifters to the restaurant that looked horrific it was brutal but how long does it take to get there uh i think it took like an hour 20 oh that's not bad no it's like i thought it was like closer to ocean city no no it's, no. It's like 20 to 30 minutes past Kent Island. So not too bad. So yeah, it's like driving to Arlington from here. The average age looked like it was like 60.

A lot of gray hair in there. A lot of gray hair in there. The worst. Well, it can be fun. It can be, but the room just wasn't set up for comedy. So it was a restaurant. So the show ended up being fun, but it was just work uh would you say how much were the tickets thirty dollars folks not even a comedy club charges that much for tickets let me tell you this though sold out really yeah

sold out are you serious yeah they had to turn people away there's probably not much to do in that part of town uh i don't know there was a coals across the street so no big deal oh yeah it was in a shopping center and don't you hate when you pull up in you realize you're about to play in a shopping yeah yeah yeah it's like yeah i could throw a rock and hit an x on yeah target over there uh but the thing about easton is their downtown area is like pretty cool like i've done their avalon theater before the room upstairs where that is yeah and that's cool it's like a nice little room that holds like 60 people and so when i got booked i was like oh maybe it's like a cool like club maybe they have like people play like acoustic guitar they're like no no this is just a restaurant it looked like a sports bar

it kind of had that vibe it might have been one before and then somebody bought it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, the Comic Hang was great. Stefan hosted. He did well and got the room going a little bit. But the room was essentially like cut in half where it's like the... Like, let's just say... It looked like an L. No, it was just straight. It was like cut down the middle.

So let's say it was like a football field. From the 50-yard line on was like seats in the show show and then there was still an empty other side of the field so the sound just goes everywhere and then there were chicks in the back that were drinking they're like we can't hear the comics we can't hear them which is probably true but then that makes them talk uh and then my friend jason and his fiance emily came and then jason's parents live in Graysonville, which is near where I grew up. So they came to the show and they're sitting right up front. And I was like, oh, God. And Emily's like, we got tickets.

I was like, that's so nice of you, but this is going to be a hell gig. She's like, what's a hell gig? I was like, you'll see. And then my friend's sister Jess came, who I knew from when I was like 14 and younger and on. And then my friend Jody from high school came. I think those were the only Democrats in the whole place. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, I kind of went at them about building a wall and stuff.

And they're like kind of like, huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, you want a wall. You just don't need to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, yeah, yeah like no like yeah you want a wall you just don't need to talk about it yeah like yeah you're right you're right but yeah i ended up doing like 45 minutes but i was like i was supposed to do 35 at least fine which isn't too bad but dude uphill battle oh yeah sure and uh and the the women in the back were yelling like it was i forget what it was but i was like going back and forth with them. Got a little bit of a laugh.

And then I checked my phone. I was at 36 minutes. I was like, you guys, in full honesty, I only have to do 35 minutes. And I got paid before the show, so I don't give a fuck what happens now. I will never think of Snifters again. I hate this fucking place. Who runs it? They're like, woo!

Big time in comedy. Oh, okay, okay. Is it their first time doing that venue no so that's the thing i think this is either their second or third time wow it's like yeah the crowd's uptight but it's after the show you have a bunch of people that come up to you like that was great we had such a good time and that's exactly what happened that's what happened people just uh some people enjoy comedy that way and also rooms are that way also they don't know what to expect it's like going to a show and be like, it's a music show.

It's like, oh, I like music, but you don't know what comedy is. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that definitely happens. Wow. There was a dude that was on a date. I was doing marriage material. And I was like, what about you? You guys have been married, right?

Because they wooed. I was like, what's a little bit of advice that you would give? And he's like, don't fucking do it i was like jesus and i was like what's with that accent and easton it's funny because every that's a weird thing about marriage like your dad growing up is always like me and evan my roommate would talk about ex-roommate would talk about this like uh it's just like every time like marriage comes up like everyone's like oh don't do it don't do it like your dad's always like women will ruin your lives you know they're gonna like yeah bankrupt you and they're gonna spend your money and they're whatever blah blah and you're just like and then so you have all these like i don't know notions

yeah and they're in the back of your mind and then you grow up and then your dad's like why aren't you married yet i'm like i don't know because you're fucking miserable dude yeah all you do is complain about you don't seem like you're having a good time yeah my dad told me economics professor said three things in life you got to do to make sure uh your stable stable it's uh never buy a new car uh uh shit oh i would argue against that one never gamble okay and never get married all right well if you're getting a used car never buy a new car yeah you're kind of gambling on a used you are gambling i've never bought a used car oh really i bought in one car my life oh okay yeah i've had two or wait two yeah two used and no three used four i was given

a use but it's not the same yeah yeah yeah but yeah you also spend more money trying to maintain it and shoot i dumped four grand into a car and it died months later right because my dad was like let's not buy a car you don't want to it's like just get through grad school with this car and then once you start making money buy a car yeah and i was living at home and making decent money and i was like yeah fuck it i'll all right let's put four grand and they just uh it was that on a down payment for a new car totally yeah and then you don't have to worry about fixing it or you know yeah when i got a new car my dad was like now i don't have to worry about you driving late at night i'm like that's great yeah exactly um i would never want to take like a shitty ish car to long distance and then like you know yeah and then be worried about yeah

with the marriage thing i was asking on friday night in lorton and they just got really quiet i was like nobody has no nothing to say and then there's just a dude in the dark in the back he goes what do you want us to say man so i just riffed on that i was like yeah it is like being is he being funny he like i would say like 80 was like what can i she's right here so i like riffed on that of being like it's like being in prison and the wardens there i'm like do you like prison he's like yeah i love prison yeah what do you want me to say yeah prison's great it's my favorite that's great uh but yeah man it was uh it was it was a fun show and then yeah it was the thing that stefan was saying afterwards of somebody being of like everybody being like that was great that's

great you're like yeah dude some people are just like that some people don't laugh out loud some people like especially if you're conservative and older, you're like... Totally. You're like, ooh. Yeah. What are you going to do? Yeah, but it was weird having Jason's parents there, who I haven't seen since I was like 18 or 19, right up front.

God, that sucks. And I was like, God, I don't want them to watch me bum. I know. I never want my friend's parents to come, especially if they come unannounced. You're just like, God damn it. No, I kind of knew they were coming but also it's like whatever this gig doesn't matter so it's like fuck it let's have fun yeah i also just you know i kind of got out of uh i don't enjoy i don't really enjoy talking to people that i know before and after shows anymore. I think I love it after, before I don't.

Yeah, I just don't either way anymore. I, because, okay, so I did, I don't know if I talked about, did I talk about the Topgolf weekend? Yeah. What? No. Actually, no, no, no.

I think I talked about Arlington. Yeah, I mean, we haven't potted in a little while. Yeah, we haven't. We're on lockdown. We're coming to you live from quarantine. Well, I'll do the Topg golf weekend uh so i got booked it was it kind of sucked because like i think i talked about last week how i lost two gigs and that was like a thousand dollars between those two gigs that i lost and i was like well that fucking blow it was 10 shows so don't like yeah people like what the

i'm not making five hundred dollars a show but it was 10 shows it was a weekend whatever and uh so then i got hit up to do this top golf show by a guy sean he runs a like the best shows in dc and i was like and it was really good money i was like fuck yeah it was like five shows but it was in loudon county virginia or ashburn i don't know the difference yeah but i was like fuck it i'm doing it pays a lot it's probably something people in loudon and ashburn take seriously. Yeah. I have no idea. I had no idea what Topgolf was.

It's like doing Lancaster, Pennsylvania. You're like, actually, it's Lancaster. It's like, hey, guy, nobody cares. I was at a show there, and I totally was not doing well. And that happened. And I was like, what is it? Lancaster? Lancaster? And everyone groaned. And then I was like, dude is it? Lancaster? Lancaster. And everyone groaned.

And then I was like, dude, no one gives a shit about this shitty city. And that got like a laugh. Yeah. But that night sucked too because I went alone. Yeah. It was one of my first times closing out a show like kind of like out far away from Baltimore. Yeah. And it was like you could tell when you get

there like it was like all the local comics were like i should be close like why is this guy close oh who is this guy yeah i never heard which i get i've i have the same feeling sometimes yeah and uh yeah and then everyone was killing because it's just all their friends it's a really small space and i go up and they're comfy too they're comfy i did very mediocre and then that was like the first time i felt like yeah closing a show you're just like oh it's not that funnel most of the time yeah i was like this is gonna be work but the money was great the hang was good and i yeah you kind of have to mentally choose to be like all right i'm gonna make this fun yeah like if i wasn't getting good

reactions i'd have been like fuck this is gonna be really bad right yeah if as soon as you go on stage and you're you're killing it doesn't matter yeah but uh but oh anyway so top golf i got booked and uh it was like dude it took like two hours to get there and i'd never heard of top golf i have never i knew no idea what it was i only heard it on a man shane podcast national phenomenon yeah apparently they're like sweeping the world dude they're building six in mexico baltimore's getting one downtown next year did you know that they're building a huge all right so top all right well uh they're building a huge entertainment umar's bought stock in top golf he like, let me tell you all about it.

It's the fastest rising. I don't want to say this. It's just not something I see working, and especially in Baltimore. Why? It feels like a mall. Kind of. So Topgolf is like an upscale luxury. Hey, man.

It ain't bottom golf. You know what I'm saying? That's true. It's a luxury driving range. So it's three floors and you can hit off any floor. So you're outside when you're playing golf. You're outside, but it's so cool. You have these leather U-shaped couches and it's like a bowling alley almost where you you and your friends have your own section yeah there's a table they're heated oh there's heat lamps right above

you so you're never cold so you can do it year round right table side service great i mean the food is fucking awesome interesting like the charcuterie board looks like you had a nice restaurant i got barbecue pork sliders i was drinking white claws all weekend it was all free and uh you've never sounded more white you're like we're at top golf bro it's beautiful the charcuterie board yeah so inside it just feels like this very like when like a movie kind of like if you ever watch the movie dodgeball and when like the the cool people like the cool low-key like family-owned gym people go into like the corporate gym go to ben everyone's everything's like all black there's like neon lights people have black polo spiky hair so

they're trying to make it look like a club yeah it's like a club feel yeah there's a big like uh like sports bar type bar where it's like you know around or you can sit around it's just like like like you're in like a big sports bar or something like that yeah i'm like top golf more like power bottom golf yeah yeah so then so we so i walk in i'm like what the fuck is this and then so we walk into a room yeah it's so weird to be like i'm here for comedy yeah i think i had to go to like the help desk and i was like yeah it feels like you're walking in a gym kind of and i still go to the desk and i'm like there's literally this kid he's like he's like a somehow

ethnic i don't know what you know i could be hispanic indian i couldn't put a finger on it you sound so white you're like i go this Topgolf and they have some ethnic working at the door. And it's just like, he's got the spiky hair. He looks like a Disney Channel like star. He's got spiky hair

and like that silver name tag. And I'm like, hey man, I'm here for comedy. He's like, oh, huh? I was just like,

this is bad. He's like, the what now? Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'm here for the comedy show like uh and then they have to go talk to some other person all these people are talking

they had no idea what's going on yeah and i'm like this is gonna suck so much this is gonna be uh i felt i was like oh man this is gonna be like a corporate gig you know and uh so then they're like oh yeah you gotta go there go through those. So I go through the doors and I just walk into a complete empty room. Like an empty room and I'm like, holy shit, is this where we are performing? Yeah.

And luckily it wasn't. Then we met like, dude, it was weird. Like, I didn't know how big of a deal this was. Yeah. So apparently there's a comedy club,

Helium. They've partnered with Topgolf to have comedy clubs inside of top golf and then so they took it so then we met like we were i was shaking so many hands like i'm a general this manager i do promotions ad right i'm in regional sales yeah i'm meeting all these people and like oh i, I do, I work, you know, I'm like corporate for blah, blah, blah. And, oh, shit. I got to take the roast out. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Let's pause it. Yeah, take that roast out. That's code, everybody. Pot roast is out. All right, we're back. Pot roast is... In?

Out. Well, I had to bring it out, take the cover off, put the veggies in so they don't get too soggy. And I'm going to leave it in for another hour, off, put the veggies in so they don't get too soggy. And I'm going to leave it in for another hour, I guess, out of time or 7.20. We're talking. Oh, yeah. So I'm shaking hands. We're at Topgolf.

And I'm just shaking so many people's hands. Spreading the coronavirus. The waiter, waitresses. And I'm like, okay, cool. So then we go back to where the show is. Amazing. Phenomenal. Looks just like a club.

And I'm like, okay, I i can do this i feel at home yeah but we're all very nervous because we have to work clean and we're all doing 25 minutes yeah how clean like pg-13 clean pg-13 maybe maybe a light r oh interesting but we were so i like to do a hard r yeah because this is there like they did the email did say like while you don't have to be squeaky clean it's not a corporate gig but if you are a comedian that can do a corporate style where you're not super dirty yeah those are comedians who are going to probably get booked again in the future but then i saw the so then we're yeah so we're all like hanging out sean comes and we're all talking and then these we meet these other two guys and they're we shake

their hands and they're like uh yeah so what clubs have you guys performed at and like I thought these guys were from Topgolf also yeah and so I'm just like I'm just rattling off like some of the clubs because out of everyone I've had the most club experience yeah I'm like oh I've been to like uh punchline and uh punchline and zanies and you know uh hilarities and they're like oh hilarities is great i was like oh it's so good i was just they flew me out i was eating like 30 dollars i was eating like 30 scallops and blah blah blah because they did they they paid for my travel and stuff it was great but i thought these were top golf people so i was just trying to be like impress them or like just tell them what they want you know like just oh here's a guy who's done clubs right so they can feel

comfortable about the show yeah and then uh and i was like yeah did this club this club blah blah and then uh and then so then the i find out that they're actually the owners of the Helium Comedy Clubs. Right. And they're like, and I was like, oh, shit. Like, they're the owners of all the clubs. You're lucky that you're like, yeah, I've done Helium. It's fine. Yeah.

And it was just like, and then because when I said like, oh, I was eating $30 meals like scallops and salmon, the guy's like, oh, well, we know what this guy's all about. And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. You're just replaying like all the dumb things you say in your head so then we are all even more nervous now because the owners of helium are there heliums are the best some of the best clubs across the country like portland st louis philly like they have buffalo i think yeah they have like amazing comedy clubs and uh so we're so fucking like dom who's the most nervous guy like i mean he is so nervous he can't stop talking about it very funny but yeah as he looks so stoic but then when he talks you're like why are you so nervous like and i and i hate him because i know it's like dude i know you're gonna crush

yeah i know you're gonna crush yeah you will fucking murder yeah just relax but whatever especially because he has so much material about being a suburban virginia dude too like so much relatable shit oh yeah he's a half puerto rican half black guy well i didn't say there's nothing wrong with him i'm saying he's got some strengths against him obviously no he's exactly what the industry wants right now he's like a cool hip black guy tattoos buff like and he has a very interesting point of view very interesting life yeah and dude he's fucking i mean it sucks yeah he's way funnier than me and he's been doing it way less i mean he closed every show oh nice and he murdered i mean he destroyed but yeah he definitely has some anxiety uh issues for sure so yeah so then we're so fucking nervous and i'm just like ah it just sounded like such a douche in front of them. It sucked.

And then so I'm just like in my head, I'm so fucking nervous now because I want to do well. Yeah. Because I think in my head like, oh, they're going to book us. But they don't. They don't. Yeah. That's when you realize like all these things you think that matter. It does not matter.

They don't give a fuck about us. They just want us to not bomb. Yeah. matter they don't give a fuck about us they just want us to not bomb yeah that's that's like uh the owner of coca-cola going down to the coca-cola factory and looking at a couple bottles and being like oh it's like it doesn't matter and it's like those workers thinking like oh maybe they'll pull me up to like a like a higher position it's like no no also you're a dime a dozen they're there because they have a probably i'm gonna, millions of dollars on the line. So they're just asking you. They're just trying to be like, this isn't your first time doing comedy, right?

Yeah. They just want to get to know us, say hi. And then they were like, all right, you know, and let's just feel out the first show. You don't have to be squeaky clean. But, you know, let's see, because they're nervous. Yeah. They don't know what the Topgolf people want. And this is a trial run for top golf

in loudon right and so they're nervous and they have a you know they have a lot i mean they have so much money on the line probably it's insane yeah and comedy clubs i think probably are dying out in a lot of places and this is like a good way to find you know it's a good way to diversify yourself yeah in comedy so and uh so that and then this really made me realize i was like man comedy is just a bunch of idiots running around making other people very rich while being poor because we're performing. And the money that is being made by other people, and they deserve it because they're absorbing all the risk.

Well, yeah. They're also putting a lot into it. They put a lot into it. But it's just so funny, like the profit margin differences. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, that's the thing too with LA comedy versus New York comedy. Like most of the people doing comedy in New York are pretty broke compared to the... Like the biggest names in New York, the money they make, if the biggest names in LA made that money, they would kill themselves. Oh my God, 100%.

If Joe Rogan found out the money he was making was making David Tell money, he'd be like, what the fuck happened? Which David Tell makes like 30 grand a weekend. Right. david tell money he'd be like what the fuck happened which david tell makes like 30 grand a weekend right if even if he knew that he would be like because rogan clears probably 250 grand a weekend oh not more well also with his podcast oh off his podcast he clears over 250 000 yeah yeah so we're talking we're talking like a week we're talking like a hundred million a year probably oh my god how do you make that much anyway so so that's that's all i'm saying so it's just so funny yeah where it's like the disparity just in comedy in general yeah and it's so funny too because you see people getting egos at a local level if you're featuring your working clubs you're getting spots at all the

cool rooms but it's just like yeah you're still fucking we're still nothing well that's that's honestly what's kind of given me a little more peace and made comedy a little more fun is i don't care anymore i don't care yeah so that's why the show is in east and i was like well cool like jason and emily are here gg and joe are here that's great like i'm i'm getting paid beer is free i hanging out. I very rarely get jealous anymore. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, yeah, I'm all for people too. And I'm also like, I'm not putting myself in a position to get what they're getting. Yes. So I'm like, good.

And they deserve it. People who get whatever they're getting, they deserve it because they're working for it and they're sacrificing things that we're not willing to, you know, like we're not willing to give up our careers. No. And yeah, it's like, dude, there's people that are working hard. Like Matt Deakins. So funny.

So good comic. So he he went after me on the show on Friday. And Rami was like, yeah, it's like no shade. I was like, dude, he works harder than me. Yeah. Fucking killed. I was like, he should. Good for you.

Like we all did 20. So it's not like he's closing. But like I was genuinely happy for him. Like, yeah, yeah yeah i'm still doing 20 i had fun i'm getting paid it's all good yeah so so then andrew cook goes up he's hosting he does a great host job like he does some material and it's like the crowd's like half full there's probably like 50 people there yeah and it holds like 90 something yeah and but they're they're good they're but i as soon as i saw everyone walking in it's old

conservative white and i felt at ease i was like this is mcgoobies i can crush at mcgoobies now i can do these rooms i know how to do these rooms. You got to play into, you got to give them what they want, where you hit all the stereotypes, talk about how the world's uptight right now, talk about how, yeah, that's all you have to do. Men and women are different, relationships, yeah. Sex. Yeah.

And avoid politics. And Cook went you know he had to warm them up and it was tough and he did a great job of like crowd work material and it was just really good just breaking the ice yeah he did a phenomenal hosting job and then so i go up after him yeah and uh i was very nervous and then once the first show kid i was oh sorry when cook was on stage he started talking about like shitting and diarrhea and just like and he kept saying fuck a lot but they were loving it yeah i was like oh i'm gonna just do my act because they said feel it out so i said oh fuck it i'm gonna do my act yeah so i go up on stage and i am just fucking dude i'm fucking killing killing i'm riffing some lady who's wearing she's like this older

chick in the front row she's annoying and drunk and she's like wearing leopard print yelling out and i dude i fucking destroyed her yeah and and even before i went up sean he knows how how i can get with crowds he's like how much are you gonna attack them i'm like dude if you don't want me to i won't yeah and uh because he's nervous yeah and but dude i fucking because she interrupted i was like fuck this lady and i was i don't know i just kept because i was like i can't remember what it was but she kept interrupting and i said something so i started doing crowd work with her and i was like oh you're gonna and i was like i just made some joke about like taking her out or something she's like i wouldn't go out with you and i was like oh why not and she was like i only date he's like i'm gonna only date he's like

i only date rich guys and i was like oh you can't be doing too well you you're here seeing me do comedy or something that kind of laugh and then uh and then i was like well how rich are we talking and then i i can't remember what you said i was like and i was like i well, how rich are we talking? And then I can't remember what she said. I was like, I don't know. But she was wearing leopard print or something. So I made some sort of like, I was like, yeah, this lady looks like she tried to get rich off of Avon. That didn't work out. And that, dude, it fucking destroyed.

She does look like that. Oh, my God. I was like, you didn't think I knew about Avon? Yeah, I knew about Avon. And I was just killing, killing. It was so fun. God. I was like, you didn't think I knew about Avon? Yeah, I knew about Avon. And I was just killing, killing. It was so fun. And then I was like, fuck this. And I was just dropping F-bombs. And I did my ass-eating joke.

I asked this newly married couple if they eat ass. And put the microphone to the guy's face. It was just killing, dude. Nice. It was awesome. And I get off stage. And I go over to Cook. And Cook is next to one of the owners. And the owner, right when I get off stage and i go over to cook and cook is next to

one of the owners and the owner right when i get off stage owner turns and looks at me he's like so much for clean huh and me and cook he was like yeah this guy's talking about shitting on escalators and you whatever you did and he was like it was very funny it was very funny but wasn't clean and i was like you guys said i was like shit i guys said, I was like, shit, I'm sorry, man. He's like, you're not, he's like, you're not actually sorry. No, dude, I'm sorry. I was just fucking feeling it out, man. What the fuck? Yeah, I was like, I'm sorry.

I don't even know if I said that. I should have. And me and Cook felt like such pieces of shit, dude. Pieces of poop. Come on. Yeah, pieces of poop. Come on now. Because you're just like, fuck, I fucked up in front of like the best comedy club owners.

And, but we killed. Yeah, I fucked up in front of the best comedy club owners. But we killed. Yeah. We fucked up. Yeah. And then it was just like, oh, dude, it sucked. Because I was on such a high. I guess they want to market it a certain way. Yeah.

And I was like, but dude, everyone's laughing. They're having a good time. And the guy's like, yeah, they're laughing. But then on the comment cards, they're going to complain. And I was like, shit. Yeah. That's the worst feeling but and they are worried about top golf people they actually want us to be able to be

dirty because if they know if they won't let us be dirty it it drastically limits the pool of comics they can pull from to do these shows totally so the fact that we're killing with dirty is good and everyone at top golf dude all the employees when i got off stage dap me up like dude that was great i love the way you destroy that leopard print lady yeah dude the next night when i went to the shows a guy came like i met a new another guy i hadn't met that before and he was like dude are you the are you the leopard print lady guy he's like bro we were talking about that on the third floor yes oh man i heard people were coming up and telling me about it and i was like fuck yeah see that everyone at top golf loved it the guy who was in charge of running events is like we don't want a clean show we love what you did we're all happy oh okay i was

gonna say that we're nervous staff and the general manager different dude the man they were so into it and so hopefully we didn't fuck up anything for anybody because i did feel bad because sean trusted us you know like yeah this is a group of comics that can do clean and do well yeah and and then the helium owners we just told their face we're like yeah well we're clean and then i'm just like you ever eat ass sir yeah and uh sunny fuller impression sir then after that we'm just like, you have read Aster and it's murdering. And – Your Sonny Fuller impression. But then after that, we were just like – Sean was like, I'm not worried. They're business guys.

I think they're very pleased with the way it's going. So he's like, I'm not worried. If Sean's not worried, then I'm like, cool, then I'm not stressing. Yeah, yeah. And then there was a top – a very high up person at Topgolf at the shows. And one of the helium people told me that before the show started, he was like, there's an even bigger guy here. And I was like, fuck, dude, I'm already so nervous. I'm like, who is he?

He's like, don't worry about it. You don't need to be nervous. Don't worry about us. And I was like, well, where the fuck would you say that? So that guy, he loved it too. Oh, good. I think we're fine yeah and then the rest of the shows do we were fucking going nut dude dom there was the late show

saturday such a rowdy such a rowdy audience yeah i just did crowd work for 20 minutes yeah i was i mean i'm murdered cook murder with crowd work i murdered with crowd work and then i left but dom told me i was like hey how'd it go for you and he's like dude i was like i fucking destroyed he's like i called a a group of uh there was like a a lot of young chicks there but they're like young like they're not woke you know they're like country kind of and they're just they just want to get fucked up and party and yeah say n words on buses while they record each other and then lose their lives later but uh he called i guess they were being very chatty and i told him to stop talking and i guess dom he called him like cunts and he was like dude it got an applause break that's insane that's insane because they're

a mcgoobies crap that's what they want yeah they want that shit it was i was like yes that's wild yeah none of us will ever get booked for it. That is funny too. Like, yeah, you guys are great. You guys are great. Yeah, dude, shout out to Topgolf. And honestly, I'm so pumped for it to be here. It sounds lame.

When you go do it. It's fun. And also in the harbor, it's the first one ever they're building where you're going to hit into the water. It's going to be tight. Oh, with like disposable balls or whatever or dissolvable. Yeah. I'm sure it's still terrible for the environment yeah yeah i saw those ones and i'm like whoa you can just do that it's like oh yeah they're biodegradable it's like okay i'm sure it's fine um no man that's exciting that's exciting because it's like

yeah it's also i mean the crowd is uh it's not like the one you brag about you're like yeah these people are they're so cool but it's also like they just want to have fun they were so cool man they're an audience that's not worried about like woke stuff or being like oh i don't want to laugh at that because i don't know what that person's gonna think of me or they're all such nice people they come up to you after the show they thank you for coming to their town which never happens in a city yeah and they are like dude one guy was just so complimentary like he was like oh man we were just roasting these dude like every show we're roasting the crowd because yeah that's what they think comedy is and sometimes it is and it's fun well in an intimate setting

like that you they want to be talked to yeah So when you can incorporate them in the show, they're like, this is great. I kept calling this dude's wife a whore and stuff. And like, dude, he was loving it. She was loving it. This is so insane. It's insane. To talk about comedy. Yeah, we're artists.

I mean, it's all used to put it in context. Yeah, like, Dom called him cunts. They went nuts. This guy's a fucking whore. It was great. It was great. His wife's a stupid whore. Dude, and he was

just like man your act was like he's like you just have it i mean yeah this is like him being like and yeah but like he's like you have it all you have this whole arc he's like man i could just see you being on tv telling these jokes like it's so great i was like oh thanks man yeah i went to see his wife i shook his wife's hand he's like he's like why are you complimenting he just called me a whore like joking yeah i thought she was gonna give me a compliment and then bridget walked over and she's like oh honey you were my favorite i was like god damn it there you go yeah that's right that's fucking bridget bridget had the best set on the first show she fucking killed it was awesome that's great yeah i've had a guy say that before he's like yeah i

can just see a whole tv show with you and i'm like okay yeah well make it happen yeah all right i'm gonna go back to baltimore tonight uh yeah the uh the dc improv shows i did with steve burn um he's a pittsburgh guy so the he's from there yeah Yeah. So he knows a lot of the radio and TV people for the local sports teams. And the Pittsburgh Penguins were in town playing the Capitals. So their radio team was in town. So they came to the Saturday late show. And we got to meet those guys after, which is really funny, too, because you can tell in their voices, like, that was great. was great yeah yeah yeah but the one of the guys is like man just

watching you man that was great i have so much respect for what you guys do well he just goes he's like because you know you you guys every word has to be right and you you can't mess up a word you know we mess up words all the time and people don't notice but you know we were watching you and you just didn't mess anything i was like yeah it was perfect i never that's so nice it was it was still yeah it was really nice that is a cool thing like people are people it's weird because a lot of comics do complain and i'm one of them about how people there are a lot of people who do not respect comedy of course the people who do are just like so complimentary, so nice. And almost make it worth it.

Makes it up for all those other assholes who will give you like the backhanded compliments, you know? Yeah. So, yeah, it's nice. Yeah. I mean, it's a give and take too. I mean, sometimes with crowds, if like you don't give a shit, they're like, well, why should we care?

And it's like, well, fuck you. They're like, no, fuck you. And you're like, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, speaking of like just performing at great spots the dc improv is always amazing dude did we talk about it i don't know if we talked about on the show did i talk about i think you did okay cool yeah but those shows were so good man yeah it was wild wild time good for you bro thanks dog thanks dog wrap it up yeah yeah let's wrap this thing up yeah sorry i didn didn't realize I talked about that last time

I think you did Save it for next week Probably Chris just texted me a screenshot of a comic Who said just lost 15 grand In work when my cruise ship dates were cancelled For April and May Anybody in Rochester area need a ride

DM me I need the money oh my god corona see this is why you don't eat bat soup you know you know oh i gotta show you his other text he just off air oh boy oh boy uh let's see what i got. Oh, my band is playing in Baltimore on the 21st of this month. Please come to Metro Gallery. See Tremendous Athlete. We're playing new songs. On the 25th, I'll be featuring at some spot in Ballston via the improv. And then let's see.

Oh, wait. Is it the night of my premiere? Oh, no. Oh, no. I might have fucked that up. What did you do? Double book on the night of my premiere oh no oh no i might have fucked that up what'd you do double book on the night of your premiere i think i did yeah which show uh at a show via the improv oh boy um dude you gotta take the improv gig yeah i'm gonna show up to my own premiere. What's the gig? It's at a club or like bar that they have in Ballston. I'll do it. Oh, boy. I got to look.

Tell Antoine I'll do it. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Let's see here. Let us see. Oh, yeah. Sorry. And then, yeah, that's it for now.

Oh, yeah. Follow me on the gram and Twitter at Josh Coderna. Gracias. Umar, what do you got to plug? Just what do I got, Josh? I got, well, I'm doing ragtime every second Wednesday in Arlington from now on. So I'll be there tomorrow. On the 12th, I'll be at Big Hunt for their showcases

at 8 o'clock. Nice. And then on the... I think I have other things. I can't remember. On the 22nd, I will be featuring for Mike Racine at the Cellar Door in Frederick. And then April

2nd, I got Gin and Jokes. And then April 3rd, Liz Mealy is headlining at Joe's Squared. And tickets are pretty much almost sold out. So why don't you grab those? Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. Come check us out.

Find us online and all that stuff. And yeah, we'll talk to you soon on lockdown. Enjoy your quarantine, everybody. David Koechner, take us out. Dick Russian Sessions, coming to an end. Thank you. Bye.