The Digression Sessions - Ep. 316 - Quarantine Sessions 5

Episode Date: May 4, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar catch up on more corona times and Umar's "run" in with almost death! Follow the podcast and Josh Kuderna, on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

Welcome back to the Big Set, everybody. Josh DeBerner here. My home, of course, is where I meet the quarantine boys. And over there in his lovely home, it's Umar Khan. What's up? How are you guys? Good. Week seven? Is are you guys? Good. Week seven? Is this week seven? Week six?

Week six? Is it six? Day 48? 49? I did a counseling session. I only have two kids that will do counseling sessions with me. Oh, really? So how do you do those?

You do those over the phone? Zoom? Or not Zoom. We have like a... Like something similar. It's like, yeah. But we have like an approved thing. And it sucks.

Like this kid, he's really funny. He's a sixth grader. And he was like, yeah, it's... And he's like, he's on the spectrum. And he's really into numbers and stuff. And so he's like keeping... He's counting. And so like when we were talking, he's like, yeah he's like i'm doing good i feel yeah but if it was if if it was any other person you'd be

like i'm worried about that person like day 48 hour 5 minute 11 we're doing it yeah and so but it was just funny i was like i was like man it's so weird like i was like i can't believe you're counting every day yeah oh yeah oh yeah and then oh yeah he um yeah he's like doing well it's i think he's because i think he he's kind of a kid who you know because of the social issues around uh being on the spectrum it's like i feel like he kind of gets a break i think school can be like very stressful for him yeah it's probably a lot with all the kids and yeah class and everything but he yeah he's like someone who wants friends but it's hard for him to navigate and so i think like uh he it's he sounds like a comedian. He's a comedian. Yeah, seriously.

Like he's smart, but like in other ways, he's very dumb. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't know how to say the right things to the right time. Yeah. When does his album come out? He sounds awesome. Yeah. Well, it's on pause.

You know, this whole Corona thing. Yeah. But it was funny because we were playing. He usually loves to play Never Have I Ever, but he doesn't know how to play Never Have I Ever. So really what he just likes to do is like, he'll be like, never have I ever ate a booger. And then I have to guess whether he has or not. He's like, I have.

And he's like, no, you do one. It's so funny funny now ask me how many boogers i've eaten these past 48 days yeah so but this time he wanted to end the session with a hypothetical would you rathers and he had some really good ones i shared one on facebook it was would you rather he's really he one was funny because it was like would you rather meet a celebrity or your favorite youtube star and i was like i'm gonna guess you're gonna say youtube star he's like yeah yeah and i was like yeah and i was like aren't they the same thing and i was like you know but what are you gonna do but he asked me he was like would you rather oh and he's i think

he's like one of my only kids who doesn't know i'm a comedian because i know he would look me up immediately oh okay yeah and just go through all your stuff on youtube yeah um so he he said uh yeah your head your head shaped like a box of new ports definitely shaped like that definitely shaped like a box you're like all right that would be so good yeah and so he goes he's like would you rather get famous and die by 18 or live an ordinary life uh it was like yeah and i was like uh well i'm doing the ordinary life right now and i'm way past 18 buddy so so i will kill myself yeah yeah there's no would i i am i just yeah i'm doing it's like will you it's like will i i'm doing it i made my it's like asking a millionaire yo bro would you suck dick for a million dollars well i don't know yeah yeah billionaire i guess

yeah those questions just get like worse and worse as you get older you know like no there's no chance of that it's like could you live your dream and then you're like oh i guess i'm never gonna do that uh yeah i i do love a would you rather but yeah i'm never yeah i'm never that good at them actually most of them like that's pretty clear cut. What do you mean? Pretty clear cut. I can't think of any on my own.

But normally, I'm like, usually when I hear them, I'm like, yeah. It seems pretty obvious there. Well, a lot of times people do not. I hate when people don't want to answer. It's like, well, that's stupid. Why would I? I'm like, it's a would you rather. Yeah.

The people are like, you know what? I don't think I would do either. This is stupid because we would never be fit. And like, yeah, it's called a thought experiment. That's the whole point. That's how philosophers like they use pretty much philosophers use would you rathers to poke holes in people's theory. Because the whole thing with philosophy is when you are

coming at somebody you want to point out the inconsistency in their thinking because that's like the biggest way to uh show someone that they're wrong about something and so you create uh you create a scenario where like well if this was a possibility would you do this or that? You know? So like, uh, like morality, like we all think, Oh, go ahead. Oh,

I was going to say, we all, I was going to say, we saw evidence of that this week with all the protesters where you were like, Hey guys, remember how mad you were about Colin Kaepernick protesting? And now you're protesting. Right.

And they were like, Oh shit. We saw the error of our ways. We all are equal, I guess. Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what happened. Yeah, they're like, you know, I'm going to go put my M16 at home. This is stupid.

Yeah, that's funny. It's also, oh, go ahead. I think we're on a delay, man. I'm good. How's your internet? My internet is connected to my hotspot. So I'm going to change it to my hots My internet is connected to my hotspot. So I'm going to change it to my hotspot so we might freeze for a second.

So let's go and see what happens. And we're not going to cut out any of this. Never. No cuts. No problem. Somebody's Wi-Fi is called the doghouse. Oh, man. My wife's put me in the doghouse. Oh, it worked.

Hey, now. Seamless. Seam seamless seamless we didn't even have to address all i saw today also somebody on facebook posted uh speaking of like dumb stuff like doghouse like uh yeah um it was like a bunch of pictures of someone's man cave and it looked just like a real bar and it's like why would you if you why would you do that to your house yeah it didn't look like a nice bar it didn't look like a cool hip craft cocktail it's like a like a sports bar yeah yeah he's got like the miller light like uh sign or whatever that's bright there's probably some like yeah gross cigarettes in there you know a dartboard like what wife is what our partner is just like yeah no just dump fifty thousand dollars and take up i don't know like a third of our house for just you that's just a supportive woman right there that's all that's true you know she's like hell yeah put up that corona sign also what adult like

how much are you hanging out with your boys that you need to like have this whole separate like if you're a like a responsible adult who's making decent money yeah and raising your children well do you have time to just spend hours and hours in a basement with your friends definitely and you're like you know what we should make this look like uh like a bar you end up after you've gone to five other bars just a real nightmare down here you know so we can hang out with the boys yeah to be fair though like i think the man cave for like like i'm like man maybe i should turn like my basement to like a podcast studio why not yeah see now that's like now that's cool yeah there you go yeah those guys are drinking miller light they're like a podcast

studio yeah women love do women love and hey women can pod yeah thank god thank god i know you were against it for years but me nope i was for it what do you well you know yeah you had you had an evolving opinion on that um are there yeah yeah i remember i said would you rather women podcast or you kill yourself and you didn't even let me finish and you're like i'd be dead i would be dead uh uh matt bergman uh my buddy he has a joke about a would you rather his friend did they were watching uh the Have Eyes 2, I think. Have you seen that? No. It looks bad.

Yeah. So it's like a family that's camping and then these gross kind of like, I guess they're from a nuclear facility or something, but it's like these fucked up looking humans. And then they rape and kill this mother, I think, in front of her family. It's just brutal. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's just brutal oh that's nice yeah it's very nice it's a fun film and uh it's gonna start happening soon but matt's buddy was like god if you had to witness one or the other if you had to do one what would you do would it be rape or murder and he was like god damn that's really jesus those are both awful but i mean murder is

like you're taking somebody's life. But rape's horrible too. But maybe murder because that's a little worse. Maybe I guess I would rape. What about you? And he was like, dude, I wouldn't do either. That's fucked up. Yeah, see, that's what happens where people don't.

But that's the thing. It's like there are definitely some that you don't want on the record. Like I would never answer that right now because there is no good. You can can't just be on the record like yeah well here's why i would murder yeah yeah that's what he was doing here's why it's not as bad as you know you know so yeah yeah man i um dude it's been uh yeah more quarantine talk is that all podcasts are? It's just like, well, I have a good story. Let's go. Let's do it. I believe it was Wednesday.

Wednesday. Wednesday. I went for a run. And I love this story already. Went for a run. You know, I've been pigging out. It's pretty bad. I think I'm up to 166.

I like to be a 155 guy, you know? Uh-huh. Okay. And I just be a 155 guy, you know? Uh-huh. Okay. And I just ate a quesadilla right now, so not helping the cause. Sure. Had wings on Friday, but what are you going to do? We don't even have a scale in our house, I don't think.

Well, I'll tell you. So I went running on Wednesday. Yeah. And Karen and I were going to meet up after she got off work and go to a park for a walk. So I ended the run early. And thank God I did. So I was like, I ended my run. I'm walking home a little bit.

And I just start, like, I feel weird. And I just start itching. And I'm like, that's weird, man. Maybe, like, my allergies are acting up. And then I just start itching like it's uncontrollable. I'm like walking. Your entire body or just your head? Scratching my head, my ass. So then I get home and I'm like, babe, I feel weird.

My whole body breaks out in hives. Like my whole body. Damn. And my face just starts swelling up like crazy dude and you're like oh i shouldn't have had that quesadilla yeah and i'm like what the fuck is going i'm like dude freaking out karen looks like visibly scared and i'm just like oh shit that's always worse when you look at the other person you're like is it bad they're like you're like oh they're making it worse and i'm just like on the carpet i'm like scratching myself and i'm like oh my god what the fuck am i like what's going on like am i alert did something sting me did something happen

yeah karen's like i don't know like you got to get some benadryl do you want me to go get and i was like yeah go yeah so she's like like going to get me benadryl and i'm just like getting worse right and uh and i'm like fuck i don't know what to do like should i call like uh i was gonna do like the the e doctor thing where you like go on like they'll talk to you over an app or something and i was like all right i'll try that and then i just like couldn't concentrate and i was just like freaking out so karen comes back i take a benadryl my face is getting way worse like my mouth like like my like my lips are like getting so big and they feel weird uh-huh but and uh my throat wasn't closing up thank god um yeah because i would say if you were stung by something that would make your throat close up right yeah yeah i don't know

but then i've never had like an allergic reaction well so that's the thing um to interrupt real quick my dad was never allergic to bees and then one day he just was so yeah so yeah i heard that can happen yeah he was mowing the lawn and he got stung or he just felt something like hit his leg and he was like oh maybe it's like i hit a rock or a stick or something and then all of a sudden he was like i had the thought i'm gonna die and he was like whoa so then he ran holy shit ran into the kitchen through the garage and went to dial 9-1-1 he hit nine and one and then his body just like seized up just like like just tensed up and he couldn't even and he fell over and he couldn't even like catch himself and so yeah then he was just in whatever state of shock or whatever it is from bees but

yeah he would like for how long for like an hour and then the phone it was also a landline so it was just like and like off the hook you know what i mean so he's just laying there with that noise shit yeah and it's not like you have any frame of reference before that because you're like oh you know i grew up i've been stung before it was like this and he was like i don't know what the fuck's gonna happen then he said like after a while he could like move his arm and then like get to the bed and eventually he was fine but now he has epi pens and stuff so it's happened to him yeah happened to him twice but yeah it's weird your body can just develop an allergy out of nowhere yeah so uh yeah so karen comes back i take the benadryl and i'm like freaking out so i'm just like i was like i'll call my my buddy andres and uh because he's a doctor he's just surrounded by

corona patients he's like i'm having an emergency yeah so our buddy andres he's a comic and he's also a resident at um in new york city right now so he's really in the ringer yeah definitely and i felt and thank god he wasn't working so i called him i'm like dude now. So he's really in the ringer. Yeah, definitely. And I felt, and thank God he wasn't working. So I called him. I'm like, dude, this is happening. He's like, dude, you have to go to the emergency room right away. And I was like, oh, shit. And I was like, seriously?

He's like, yeah, you don't fuck around with this. He's like, you go. He's like, he was like, he was like, actually. And then he texted me. He's like, dude, don't even hesitate to call an ambulance. And the thing that freaked me out was he because right when karen left like because karen was like i don't think you need to go just take a benadryl see what happens and i was like i was like yeah maybe i do like i don't

want to like you know bother like i don't want to go for no no reason yeah i mean you're just like and this is the thing during this pandemic you're just like fuck i don't know and then you're like i'm putting myself at risk by going. Yeah. So bigger, bigger thing is like not even holding people up. But yeah, you could catch it in there for sure. So I, yeah. So I called him.

He's like, no, dude, you have, this is like, you always go to the emergency room for this. Yeah. And so I was like, all right. And thank God I called him. Cause he was like, he was like, did you take Benadryl? I was like, yeah. And he was like, how much? And I was like, I don't know. He's like, you probably took 25. We need to take another one. And he was like, did you take Benadryl? I was like, yeah. And he was like, how much? And I was like, I don't know.

He's like, you probably took 25. You need to take another one. And I was like, okay, okay. And he's like, hopefully you'll start feeling better by the time you get there. So, yeah. So, what is it? Is it just like hives all over your body? It's hives all over my body and then my face is just swolled up.

It's crazy. Did you take a picture? No. Because I was freaking out. I'm trying to see them dsls yeah so so that's what you tell the doctor you're like i have hives real bad i got a nice pair of dsls going they're like get this man to the emergency room yeah so yeah so like so then we get in the car and i'm like oh shit this sucks yeah and uh um we're driving to the thank god you know we live

like so close to a hospital yeah so i go to union memorial where karen works and uh so like i get there and dude i've it's just great i've never had like an emergency room experience like this it's like no one is in there like there's no one in the waiting room you go in and i go to the woman at the window i'm like uh i don't know what to do and she's like uh well do you need to be seen i was like yeah she's like all right well you gotta fill this out i was like okay and i'm like freaking out i can't really write and i'm just like and then so i write it down and they take me back immediately and uh so it was it was funny because like i uh i i uh i had just finished running so i'm like gross

yeah i hadn't shaved my head in like two or three weeks i looked and my beard was crazy like dude i look like a mess i fucking was looked so gross i smelled awful and i just kept apologizing like the whole time yeah i was like i'm so sorry i smell so bad like dude this is crazy and then also like the nurses who were like doing intake they were kind of cute and i was like also guys i've gained a lot of weight i don't normally look like this like i literally told them i was like i usually weigh like 150 know, these COVID pounds really add up. You're like about to die. You're like, normally I'm very fit.

I swear. Yeah. They were just laughing. Like, oh, no. I've been drinking wine every night. I'm like, I know. I've been just too much drinking. Just picture you with the big lips.

You're like, I'm normally quite attractive. I swear. Yeah. And they were like, you did the right thing of coming in. So that felt great. Yeah. Well, plus, too, I mean, you probably have so much adrenaline going, too. Because you're like, fuck, am I going to die?

What's this scenario? So you're like frantic and feel nuts. Because when they took my heart rate initially, it was very high. Yeah, I'm sure. Because I was like freaking out. And it sucked because my heart rate is like usually very low and so um uh yeah so then i had to like uh they took me back to a room and dude this is a crazy thing about like i don't know if this is what yours are like all the time but the amount of people

that you come into contact it just seems and you think they would be better about it during covid so you have the lady at the window who takes your stuff. Yeah, the first person you check in with. Then I had a nurse who took my vitals. Then I had another nurse asking me questions. Then I had a guy come and walk me back to my room then when i was in my room i talked to uh another nurse who asked me more questions took my vitals again another nurse who gave me medicine another nurse who came and gave me some took my vitals holy shit we're in a we're like in a doctor we're like 25 nurses now i

think that's insane yeah it was like four nurses just in the room two different nurses outside the room and then uh a doctor i was crazy i wonder if that's a divide and conquer kind of thing where it's like okay you have to bounce around a little bit um yeah but that does seem like now it's like oh we're really spreading around the germs huh yeah and so uh i was like damn this is crazy and so i i was there for like maybe like two hours uh-huh um they had to they gave me like steroids just for me to like uh be able to you know get back to normal and make sure everything's okay yeah i was gonna say you looked more ripped today so oh yeah yeah but uh no so they they uh they gave me And it was weird It was so weird

You're sitting in like Oh and also all the other nurses I'm just like Saying the same shit You know I'm like Oh boy They're like so you were running And I was like yeah yeah

I know I'm just trying to lose all this weight guys I'm not normally this fat Yeah Yeah they call it COVID-19 I've gained at least 20 uh and then i'm like yeah i'm like oh i've been shaving my head and the one girl's like oh yeah my boyfriend wanted me to shave his head but i won't let him uh yeah or she's like but i won't do it i'm like oh he can do it himself she's like oh i don't want him to shave his head and i was like well yeah being a

little picky yeah true yeah beggar and chooser yeah karen was like how well, you're being a little picky. Yeah, true. Yeah, beggar and chooser. Yeah, Karen was like, how about we shave your head? I'm like, nah, I've seen that. I've seen that before. It ain't great. It ain't great. But yeah, so I was there for two hours. And the whole time I'm in the emergency room, they have the news on the TV. Yeah.

And it's like NBC World News. And it's just coronavirus the whole time. So it's so weird being in a hospital bed like hooked up to a whatever like on your finger and shit and you have like a mask on i had to wear the gown and you're just like watching uh the news about coronavirus you're like man this is a weird fucking time they're like the worst place to be is a hospital we'll be right back and you're like oh yeah um and so they never found out what it was but uh karen um kind of had an idea so her friend had something similar happen to her uh she her friend like has this thing where after she eats seafood and goes for an exercises it that combination of seafood and exercise

creates like an anaphylactic whatever yeah and and i had just eaten shrimp salad went for a run and i googled it it's like a real thing so i think that's what it was interesting so isn't it crazy activate some type of enzyme or something yeah i guess and then it's like it's scary because it sounds like an old wives tale it's like don't eat shrimp and run you'll die yeah what do you mean yeah it's it's crazy too because like uh i've been on runs i've been on one or two runs since then and uh my body will start itching a little and i can't tell if I'm in my head or if it's like my body's still getting whatever, like, you know, stabilized. Could be both. But, yeah, whenever I have some type of skin thing, like a rash thing or whatever, if I'm thinking about it, it goes way worse.

Yeah, because on the side of the house, for some reason, all the, like, sticker bushes, my arm reacts to that like crazy. So if I go to grab, like, a piece of trash or out of there, my whole arm gets lit up. Yeah, dude, it's crazy. And so they put you on steroids? Yeah. And the way that steroids work, because an allergic reaction is your immune system going crazy. So steroids work by suppressing your immune system. So my immune system isn't great right now.

Yeah. And Karen is on steroids right now. Yeah. And Karen is on steroids right now also because she has some back issue. Uh-huh. And so it's like, yeah, we're both just... Yeah. This is also the time. This is great. You want to lower the immune system a little bit.

Yeah. But it was such a weird experience to go to the ER during all this. Yeah. And I was going to say, do you think it was empty because people are trying to avoid it or you just uh just got lucky with the window that you were there i think i got lucky yeah and follow-up question then most most of these nurses and doctors we see on tv are actors then obviously yes i think it's all fake the hospitals are empty, and I don't understand the big deal.

We gotta open up this country, dude. I think Omar's trying to say where are the bodies? If there's bodies... I didn't see them. Huh? I wanna see the bodies. Show me the bodies. I will say, it was funny,

I felt bad. When I went in there, Karen wasn't allowed to come, obviously. Yeah. So she just dropped me off and had to leave. Yeah. And so I was, like, when they took, because usually, like, you have to wait so long. You have to get seen. Then when you get seen, they put you in the room.

Then you have to wait so long again for a doctor to just to come to you. but this was like boom boom boom it was nuts and it was like the best er experience i've ever had and i've had quite a few yeah and so um i remember i said i was like man this is crazy there's like no one here and like the the nurse was like no there's just we still have a lot of patients there's just no one is in the waiting room so it seems like no there's just we still have a lot of patients there's just no one is in the waiting room so it seems like no one's here yeah i was gonna say they're probably just trying to keep people out of the waiting room too and she she also said that um she's like it's still been pretty busy like we still get a lot of ambulances we'll come here like if people are like shot or whatever so yeah yeah yeah that's the scary thing too yeah if you get fucked up in any other way

like even not related to covid but then it's like well you gotta go to the hospital and that's the scary thing too yeah if you get fucked up in any other way like even not related to covid but then it's like well you gotta go to the hospital and that's where them germs is yeah like it's funny too thinking like being self-conscious about like what these er nurses like dude they see like people coming in there with bullet wounds probably like homeless people like just super gross dirty like oh people would like just everything yeah and you're like normally i'm much more fit they're like okay yeah it's fine yeah yeah yeah the other guy in the other room didn't have a head so it's fine but dude the best is is uh so uh they took my vitals like three times and the last time they took it this nurse she took it and she was she was like

she's like oh your heart rates are really low but that's probably because you're in such good shape and i was like yeah what's up bitch yeah which that's always so nice because me and evan talk because like if you if you work out if you're in shape your heart rate is especially if you're a runner yeah your heart rate is low very low yeah and if and uh and so yeah so i it's uh that they pretty much say that every time they take my heart rate and i'm always i'm just waiting for it i'm like yes yeah i am yeah i am yeah it's like ah man i feel a little tense like from what it's like i just went for a run no let's not even talk about it let's get my temperature and even when she said that i was like yeah i know but still i'm just packing on the pound i just kept mentioning how i've gained comics are the worst because it's

not even just being like because we haven't even done stand-up but it's like oh oh like stand-up is just the uh another symptom of it you know it's not like we did stand up and now we're this way it's like oh we've always just been broken you know we're like yeah here's a compliment you're like i know but i still suck right i gotta work and it's not like this lady gives a fuck at all she doesn't want to be in my room any longer than she has to and i'm talking to her about running and sports and shit yeah in her head she's probably like dude shut the fuck up yeah yeah i don't want to talk to you i was gonna make a pork shoulder this week but i don't know now she's like oh no i did have a quesadilla though like who

fucking cares um i'm on i'm keto so that's crazy man damn yeah it was nuts and uh yeah so that it was uh it was a it was a fun experience the whole time i was like at least i have something to talk about on the pod this week thank god you gotta make some content thank god uh yeah it was nuts it was like uh the thing that really scared me was like i when it was first happening and karen went to the store and i was alone and i'm like i just remember feeling like i was trying to open my mouth and it was hard too because my lips were swelling yeah and i just i remember looking in the mirror i was like fuck my lips are huge and the one thing andres asked me was like, he was like, dude, are your lips swelling up? And I was like, yeah.

He's like, dude, you got to go right now. And I was like, fuck. What does that mean then? What are the lips the indicator of? Because they're worried that then your throat could start closing up. Gotcha. Gotcha. Damn.

Interesting. Yeah. It worked out. Thank God. Seafood and running. Who knew? interesting yeah it worked out thank god seafood and running who knew he said for anyone listening if you do have like an allergic reaction you're supposed to go immediately yeah and you will be seen i think the nurses were like oh we would have taken you back immediately because like we can't let you sit in the waiting room and let your fucking yeah throat close up yeah you're just covered in hives like

i can wait it's all right yeah no no no no have a seat ma'am have a seat i'll stand do you guys have a runner's digest i'll read that i run guys i don't know if you know but i'm a runner that's why i smell right now you've never looked worse in your life you're like i'll read the articles i'm a runner i might learn something for when I run again, which I do often. Oh, here's a post-run snack I can make. Kale chips. Blood is coming out of your eyeballs. It's fine.

Take your time. Yeah. Take your time. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, dude. The news or just having the TVs on at the hospital made me think of when my dad was in the hospital a few weeks ago with his finger when he cut his finger and so they would just thank god he did that a few weeks ago that's what he said too he was like yeah if i did this two weeks later it would be a

it'd be really fucking risky you know because it could be a situation like yours and then also i mean the last time that he went we we were there for like nine hours yeah um he would not have been there that long they would have gotten him in and out yeah so it was like yeah a lot of waiting and all that um but on the news um it was like uh what was it it was uh it was local news so they were like first the blah blah sports blah blah and then it was like and then the chiron said uh child found and and and this woman she uh she took that as a good sign she was like she thought like the kid had been missing and then like found up fine she's oh no she was like oh they found that kid oh good they found a body oh wow yeah god damn oh they found a body yeah it's not good when it's not good when you find a body that's not good yelling at another dog oh

i can't i forgot to talk about this on the pod last week speaking of dogs do it dude so last week uh karen in the morning i come downstairs and uh karen because she has to get up early to go to work and walk the dog yeah she's like wiping up his face he's bleeding i'm like what the fuck happened he's like uh he saw a cat it she was like i didn't know what he was doing he was snooping under a car because he saw a cat and the cat just fucking got him oh really yeah and he was bleeding and damn well i mean he's a fucking pit bull and still like still sucks yeah yeah but then so later dude i gotta say you know we talked about runners on this podcast how they've been getting a lot of shit and honestly i first i thought people were exaggerating and then like because you know i'm

a runner and i try to be like very wait you're, because, you know, I'm a runner. And I try to be, like, very cautious. Wait, you're a runner? You're a runner? Yeah, I'm a runner. Interesting. I'm a runner. I run. I was trying to be very – yo, I'd be caught.

No, I'm a runner. The past half hour we talked about nothing but you going to the hospital from a run. And you're like, you know, because I'm a runner. And it's like, yeah. Yeah, we know. Yeah, so I run. And and it's like, yeah. Yeah. So I run and, uh, I'm pretty fast. And, uh, uh, I, at first I thought people were like exaggerating how shitty runners were being.

And then, uh, there for like the last couple of weeks, like I go, me and Karen have been going on these walks and like, yeah, dude, these runners, they're being, being uh they're not being mindful of people they're like running right by us yeah going into the street and it's like hey motherfucker we have a dog it's three of us and one of you like and it's you gotta move and it's way easier for you to be nimble about it and just like cut out around the car yeah yeah and i was i was talking to my buddy dave today he lives in boston in boston I mean, a lot of major cities have a lot of runners. But Boston, you have the Boston Marathon. So there's like a rich culture of running there.

And they're everywhere, he said. And he's like, yeah, they don't get out of the way. They just run right past you. And we were talking about it. He's like, I kind of get it. Because when you're running, you're kind of in the zone. You're not thinking about stuff like that. I know, but you've got to be.

And I fucked up a couple times, too, when I was running, because I'm on the avenue or something. And there's a car coming in the street, so I can't run in the street. There's two people, so you just have to run in between them but what you don't think is is you can just stop running and let everyone go by and then keep running because but runners don't think that like i gotta maintain my pace if i stop no and it's like and but like but that's what you do you gotta just like and i so i that's what i've been doing now i just stop running nice and i'll just wait for people to get out of the way yeah and you just go running again it sucks because stopping and starting is really tough yeah yeah but it's better than blowing past people yeah or like breathing possibly because i'm not running with a mask on no definitely not

i um yeah i had my mask on for a while the other day because we i went out and got some stuff and i i realized i was like uh had my mouth like open on my mask i was like thank god people can't see me because also i'm a mouth breather too so i have that thing blocking me so i'm just like sucking in air as i go well i thought of a joke like uh i love like a mask is amazing because i can just be the mouth breather i've always been yeah yeah exactly you can't be a mouth like you know you have to kind of try to hide it oh my god yeah no I uh I got called out for being a mouth breather and I didn't even know it that I was one but it was in high school and it was at this kid Jared's house and uh he basically had the entire house to himself like his mom moved out and then he stayed and he was yeah he was like

uh I think a junior in high school so it it's like, Jared has his own house. So everybody was always at Jared's. What's he doing now? Jared's dead. No, I don't know what he's doing. You should find out. Yes. I would love to know what a guy whose mom left him a house in junior year of high school.

Maybe he was a senior. I mean, eventually I think he moved back in with his parents but yeah for a while there was like game on over there and uh damn but yeah so we were in the kitchen one time like a group of people and this chick kara she was like oh there's josh with his mouth open again and i was like what what what what dude something yeah something like that happened to me too this kid j, Jimmy, he was very funny. He was just in front of me in English. And he's like, Umar, every time I turn around, you're just like sitting there with your mouth open.

And I'm like, I don't know, dude. That's just how I am. Yeah, well, my doctor confirmed it. I have a medical condition. So those of you that are making fun of me, I have narrow nasal passages. Not my fault. Not my fault. Not my fault. You know, I'm just I'm just flesh and blood.

I'm not perfect. Yeah, close to it. But I mean, yeah, yeah. Fucking narrow nasal passages. Narrow nasal passages. Narrow nasal. Anyway, so speaking of runners so another annoying thing is yo what the fuck is up with people walking their dogs off leashes like it's so many people really i everywhere i do it at the park but

there's tons of room at the park for that i think if you do it at the park it's not even a covid thing for me it's a safe like like, my dog can kill most dogs. Yeah, no, we try to be pretty mindful of, like, keeping him away, especially from people, too. He probably wouldn't, but he's, like, it sucks, too. Like, Cabo's, like, a very nice dog, but, like, we don't let him off the leash because he's a pit bull and people have, like, weird know, yeah. And that's what we conceived notions about a pit bull. And that's what sucks about dogs too. Is that. So now I know what it's like raising a black,

you know, child in America. Exactly. The way they get judged, you know, always thinking they're violent. Uh huh. Yeah.

Quick to twitch muscles. Right. The stereotypes precede them. Yeah, exactly. They were born with that extra muscle. And yeah, no, you No, you're right. Black kids are like dogs.

So the other day... No, that's not what I'm saying. What? No, that's what... I'm saying the other people, the way they prejudge them. Them. Okay. The dogs?

Okay, well... I don't know what... Wow, them. Interesting. Wow. I was just going to say this pandemic has really brought people together. But yeah, I guess you think black kids are dogs. That's fine. That's fine. No. So this has happened to us a bunch. Cobb does not like big dogs. He's cool with little dogs. He does not like big dogs.

I was walking in the park by myself one time. This lady's like Labradoodle. Labradoodle was like off the leash. Ran up to Cobb and I'm just like, God damn it. And the lady's like,ral doodle labral doodle was like off the leash, ran up the cob. And I'm just like, God damn it. And the lady's like, oh, she's friendly. I'm like, yeah, my dog isn't going to be cool with your fucking dog. And so like Cobb's like barking at this dog. I'm just like, God damn it. Yeah. And it's like, you know, if my dog bites your dog, it's over.

It's it's not like my dog gets a pass. No. bite your dog it's over it's it's not like my dog gets a pass no people can make a deal people could make you know they could say cob is a danger to whatever yeah and without even hearing this scenario too where it's like oh a pit bull bit another dog of course even though he was provoked and yeah no cob's such a sweetie it's so funny to like yeah whip back when we could go over uh each other's houses yeah going to your house and then like seeing Cobb he's like he's like he's just so happy he's just so happy to hang out but then if you play like tug of war with him you're like oh okay you have like monster jaws oh dude like there's power in there his strength is nuts yeah like when I'm walking him and he goes after squirrel and i

don't see it yeah dude he could like knock me over it's insane like he like all the way yeah i got like a like fucking whip last the other day because i was just like oh shit dude rip your fucking arm because i used to think it was fun so i would let him i'd be like let's go let's get him but then i'm like oh i think i'm like training him to be a little aggressive also he's like to cut back on yeah and he's like i will catch it and fuck it up yeah i don't think he could ever catch a squirrel i don't think dogs are as good as cats my dog in that regard yeah i mean they definitely have like my dog uh when i was growing up on ken island we were near seagulls and so the seagulls would like come down and try to like fuck with my dog basically yeah and she could jump pretty high.

And one day she caught one and it was. That's awesome. Yeah. Like ripped it right by the wing. It's like, whoa. Yeah. So, yeah. So then me and Karen, the same day that Cobb got attacked by that cat.

Yeah. We are walking at the dog park and I look look i get it it's a dog park so dogs are gonna be off the leash but my thing is it's like your dog better be a great listener yeah you know like yeah so we're walking cob on the leash there's this little dog and he comes running up to cob and like he's fine with little dogs he likes little dogs and it's just like all right cool whatever like I don't you know I'm not thinking anything and then the owners are start like running after like no and we're like oh no it's cool Cobb's friendly and they're like yeah he's not and then he starts attacking Cobb this little dog is like trying to bite and scratch

Cobb yeah he's like freaking out and then Karen's like getting in the middle of it. Karen's like lifting Cobb up from the leash so only his like back leg and couch is like confused. He's like what the fuck? Yeah what happened? This shitty dog trying to bite him. Yeah. And then so they get the dog but then the dog escapes

the owner and then Karen gets scratched and it's just like they're like oh sorry he just got attacked by a big dog recently so now he doesn't and i'm like well then keep it on a leash you whore what are you doing like you won't believe it this just happened you know it's like yeah um it was just so funny because then he had a couple extra scratches on him damn it's just like damn dude your ego must be hurt right now week for cob yeah tough week for Cobb. Yeah, he's like, what the fuck did I do to these people? I know.

It's crazy. Yeah, no, Boo is, if he's on a leash and sees another dog, he's a nightmare. But if he's off leash and the other dog is off leash, he's pretty good. Nice. Yeah, I think that is what people say. But I don't know, man. I just get nervous because it's like. No, I hear you you but i'm saying like

yeah exactly but i mean if if it's kind of assumed like all right we're just walking we're far enough away like he won't care like if we have him on a leash and he sees a dog like 30 feet away he's like i'll fucking kill you like that little dog you're talking about but if he's off leash he's like oh it's all good it's fine i think yeah on the leash they feel trapped you know yeah or they think they have to protect you i don't know yeah and that little dog probably freaked out too because he saw its owners freaking out and if the owners would have just been cool probably would have been fine but he's like i also i should be freaked out you know yeah i also think like like cob like his social skills are so bad so like uh does boo go crazy for the every time the male comes oh 100 yeah

dude cob goes crazy and then i just realized i'm like oh no cob is like getting excited that he thinks someone's gonna come over oh he wants to pet like he wants to be pet petted yeah and because he'll start whimpering every time the male person leaves boo is the opposite he's like if you come on this porch, I will rip off your balls and feed them to you. I'm 12 pounds. So like in Cobb's brain, he's like, yes, pet me, pet me. But then all someone hears is just a big ass dog barking. And then what they don't hear is him just crying when they when he hears them close the gate.

I could have made a friend. He's like, why? I'm like, come with a different approach, bro. You're coming on too strong. You got to chill. He's like, all right I'm like, come with a different approach, bro. You're coming on too strong. You got to chill. He's like, all right, fine. Yeah. God, I'll work on it.

I'm like, you got to, like, this is your problem, bro. You know, cats and dogs. You know? Not everyone's a dog. You're only thinking like a dog. Right. You got to think like a cat. Uh-huh.

He's just licking. Right. Isn't that the. He's just licking his own dick. He's like, you know. Yeah, I will. I'm going to think on this. I'm going to think on this. I'm going to work on this.

So scratch people in the face. OK. Yeah, I got it. I got it. No, boo, man. You know, when you lived here, you can just be such a fucking nightmare. But I think he just has so much trauma, too, from being homeless for however long it was. So.

So, yeah, it's great. Yeah. Yeah. He can be crazy sweet but yeah him on a leash you're like jesus christ buddy and like he'll bark on a leash he is yeah he's corn dude but uh something gets a part of me that's what boo screams yeah but yeah no like it just yeah he'll see a dog like cob like a pit bull he's like hey fuck off and the dog's like yeah i don't even know you dude i will fucking murder you

i will kill you yeah damn yeah it is funny too like because sometimes like some dogs are like just going crazy and then my dog will just stare at him like yeah what's your problem yeah which hey man you don't know how to which i imagine it's just kind of like uh like every time we walk by like a crazy homeless person who is just like going nuts or yelling at us. We're just like, what's the deal over here? You know, because like even they know like, all right, I'm not going to fuck with this one. Yeah. Hundred percent.

Yeah. There's definitely some people around like that, too. I'm like, all right. No, not going to look at this one. That's fine. I know. That's fine. I mean, I feel like the squeegee kids are out and about still.

That's wild. And I haven't driven in a while, but the one time we went, the couple times we went to like downtown area or like pass through like Harbor East or whatever, I'm like, what the fuck is going? I saw some. Why would anyone roll their window down for you? I saw some squeegee kids. They had masks on, but still, that ain't great.

Yeah, fuck that, dude. That ain dude that ain't also no one has money yeah true true true i um yeah no i've driven a like a few times but no i didn't have any run-ins with the squeegee kids thank god because yeah you don't want to be like no i don't you know i appreciate you but please don't want to be like, no, I don't. You know, I appreciate you, but please don't hurt my car. Thank you. I don't want to give you. Yeah. Like speaking of donation, I had a I had the car because I don't know what's wrong with me. But like speaking of like wanting to appease people like one time, a cop, you know, like cops call you and they're fundraising. Oh, I've never gotten that. Maybe. Maybe I've heard of it, it but no they've never called me oh dude this one time a fucking cop called me i just felt so bad i was like all right yeah send me an envelope i'll put money in it but i was lying that's the best way to get out of something yeah i donated to the bso

once because there was an old guy he's like well are you sure and i was like yeah fuck it i'll give him 50 bucks wow that's nice yeah yeah i've given a little bit to uh to charity uh during this whole thing so i'm a good guy but i gotta i gotta give some more like i've been giving money to uh individual like i give money to the bar like bartenders of places we go i've given money to my barber yeah um and uh and these these aren't donations these are me i want them to know that i'm gonna get favorable treatment when the world goes back to normal absolutely yeah like the dc improv i was like i'm donating 500 and if i don't feature when you come back yeah i want this is this is i need two feature weekends one i need just to break you

know one to break even and then one to make money. Yeah. Any club in like, they're like, do you want to write a note? It's like, hell yeah, I do. I'm middling. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

So yeah, I've given money to bartenders and my barber and we, I mean, we've been shopping like at restaurants and stuff and like Karen's birthday was all from local places. Yeah. So this cop called me the other day yeah sorry and i uh i i picked up i saw a miss i saw like a missed call and usually i don't like uh pick them up but i was like oh maybe it's like someone from work or something like a parent that i called it was a cop and i was like fuck they have a they they think if they can just it's there's like this weird thing where they they trick you they're trying to trick you into giving money and it's just like so the whole call they're like oh hey uh hey mr hey mr khan

like i'm calling with a b blah blah blah and you know in order to like keep serving the community blah blah and i'm like hey man do you guys are you gonna are you asking for money and he's just like well you know in our efforts to help the community and and make sure the police department i was like dude and i was like dude but you're gonna ask me for money right and then he just keeps going and i'm like dude you're gonna ask me for money oh my god yeah yeah i was like well we're gonna send you an envelope and if you can just put and i was like dude i'm broke right now i don't have a job i'm lying and i'm just like i'm broke i don't have a job he's like well you know i mean even what about like could you get 15 and i'm like wow dude i'm broke i'm trying to find money for groceries and rent you know lying dude and uh and this guy he

got annoyed i was gonna say hung up on imagine being the person's like i'm destitute he's like are you though like how destitute do you have 15 dollars why are you calling people right now the police department what the fuck does the police department need to raise money for you're funded by the fucking yeah us is the government yeah what are you doing is it like what do they could they possibly need money for yeah they're like uh we want to get some more like cool guns um yeah yeah uh yeah it's like didn't i already pay you through taxes or no? We're not enough? Not enough? Come on, man. Yeah, no, that's insane.

That's like colleges hitting you up for money. They're like, well, we wanted to let you know. I told my college I would never donate to them ever. Good. Yeah, same. Yeah. Same. It's insane. I was like, I paid for a service.

And then you feel bad because you're just talking down to a student who's doing this for money right right yeah uh that's like i don't know man okay i don't give a fuck either so you're not gonna get money fine they're like so would you say that cal state university helped you because first they ask you all these questions and at the end they they're trying to do it so you they're trying to get you to reflect on your time at college and how it's helped you get to where you are now right right and then i'm just like yeah but bro that whole time i was giving you guys thousands of dollars all right you're acting like you're acting like you're fucking mary poppins you just popped into my home and gave me a career yeah and then you floated away yeah and also it's like yeah I paid you for it it wasn't like I'm I'm tied to you by thousands

of dollars of death you idiots yeah yeah that was in the UMBC diplomas when you graduated there wasn't a diploma in the book it was like how to donate i was like oh my god yeah just walk the stage and they're like time to give back though huh it's like i still owe you 10 grand what are you talking about dude fuck those fuck colleges dude do you don't know college i think is gonna do in-person classes until next year really asking for full tuition whoa dick wow i would dude like protest so hardcore like do not go to if you're and that's what sucks dude imagine being in college right now this is gonna fuck up your whole like whatever trajectory of like your i'm gonna do four years and i'm gonna do that and just like yeah and if you're in art school

quit don't finish art school it's ridiculous yeah you'd need to be a graphic designer or something something something web-based you know yeah like yeah you can't be like, check out this painting I did. Yeah, not a time to study film. Yeah, no. Yeah, there's going to be lots of movies. Every movie is just going to be about people that are 100 yards away from each other constantly. That would be great to write an episode where for some reason they all are... Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah, everybody decided to get a houseboat or something and they're just floating like to write an episode where like for some reason they all like yeah i don't know yeah it's like yeah everybody decided to get a houseboat or something and they're just floating like 10 feet away from each other but dude and and think about like because karen's brothers work uh building like sets for movies and tv shows in georgia oh really atlanta is like the hub of a lot of television filming oh yeah yeah definitely so they're obviously laid off and dude think about though like how many people it takes to make uh like a show so not only like is it the actors you have like the you have all the lighting oh the crew makeup crew makeup catering yeah like all that shit writers

whole thing those people this country does not have enough tests to test those people all the time and they're all working in close proximity yeah you know it's not like when the fuck is filming gonna start again yeah it's gonna be interesting when we run out of content people think like disney's gonna go this is gonna be done like their parks and stuff i mean disney is one of the biggest fucking corporations right like billions and billions of dollars i mean so is boeing they're asking for money that's insane because that's all yeah they're asking for dude all these airlines and then meanwhile delta just laid off a bunch of people yeah or united yeah united yeah i don't

know i just feel like i feel like disney is printing money compared to boeing yeah like very like disney bought um all of star wars like george lucas like they bought all of his stuff for four billion dollars so if you're willing to spend that much imagine you're like this is how much like George Lucas, like they bought all of his stuff for $4 billion. So if you're willing to spend that much, imagine you're like, this is how much we're going to make off of it. Like that's fucking insane. Can you imagine getting a check for $4 billion? Off of like stuff where you're like,

this is the bad guy. He's in all black. And then there's the force, but he's naughty with the force. And this guy's good with the force. Like $4 billion. how do super rich people how many bank accounts you have because you can only insure your money up to like 150 000 or something uh i don't know i'm sure there's other ways to do oh you mean like via via like banks but yeah i'm sure there's stock

and mutual and you know and once once you get that level, and that's where you start buying islands, that type of thing. But yeah, $4 billion. Woo! Damn, dude. Yeah. I mean, yeah, if you're... Yeah.

Like they bought the Simpsons too, or maybe they just own Fox, but yeah. They own pretty much fucking everything. crazy they bought the simpsons too or maybe they just own fox but yeah they own that's not pretty much fucking everything um yeah man oh um speaking of uh i want to bring this up earlier but speaking of like getting too close and germs and all that stuff karen uh we had to return her wedding dresses this week postpone postpone oh yeah um so yeah sent out an email postponing your wedding postponing postpone malone the old wedding because yeah i mean even if we could open up in june it would just feel weird you know like hey 60 000 dead let's party you know like i didn't didn't want

to do that and plus it it does seem too soon i don't think we're going to be allowed to do that anyway. My friend just sent an invitation for October. I was like, bro, that's not going to happen. I know. Well, and then people coming back, people that have stuff scheduled in October can't even really get refunds and stuff right now either. Because what? Well, because companies like I know a couple not a couple of people. They're like, well, who's going to say in the fourth quarter what's going to be happening?

It's too early to tell. And you're like, eh. Goddamn, dude. But yeah, everybody's just trying to survive because, you know, if they're all getting refunds, like all the wedding venues and vendors and stuff. Oh, but so yeah, we returned the dresses. I had to drop them off at FedEx. And that was cool everything was like six feet apart they even had things on the ground it's such a weird thing like we never

thought about with whenever they show like the end of the world in movies like it's like yeah they the part where it's like fedex prints out infographic stickers on the ground it's like please stand here thank you for respecting the six feet you know and like people there's like just everybody just working with masks and stuff so anyway i dropped off the box and then on my way out there was a homeless dude no mask no gloves and he was like hey man i'm not a bad guy i just need i was like sorry bro i don't have anything on me i can't he was like all right well pray for me then i'm like okay like he was like kind of shitty with me but i'm also like all right i get it yeah and then i get in my car and the people that were um behind me in line they're now coming out um it's a guy and a girl and i see the homeless guy asked them for money and then the dude that was in fedex uh he gives the guy, I think gives him like $10,

it looked like. Gives the homeless guy $10, and the homeless dude was like very excited. And he's like, oh man, thank you so much, man. And then like high five this dude. Oh!

Dabbed him up. They both don't have gloves on. Oh my God! The dude who gave him the 10 bucks has a mask on, but no gloves. And then they're like, dap up and get like close. He's like, thank you, man. May God bless you. And I'm like, ah, which is it?

You're spreading germs or do you want God to bless him? Stop. You just poked your head out the window. I'm going to pray for both of you now. Yeah, I have a mask. I'm just covered in Purell. Yeah. God damn.

That's happened to me before where a homeless guy went to shake my hand and i didn't want to but i felt guilted into it i'm like oh this doesn't feel good this is uh but yeah like i don't know what they're gross poor people you know exactly they remind me of dogs which also reminds me of children a A specific type. Wait. Hey, I didn't say it. Oh, man, that's crazy. Yeah, it was gnarly. And it's like the little stuff like that where you're like, that's only going to make it worse. Dude, I don't know, man. Did you see, like, dude, the weather getting nicer?

Mm-hmm. It's just, dude, people can't resist. People cannot. People are going to hang. People are hanging. Yeah. weather getting nicer it's just dude people can't resist people cannot people are gonna hang people are hanging yeah it's like it was really crowded in the parks it was really crowded in dc yeah it was crowded in downtown baltimore you know what i saw which is so funny the fucking blue angels which first of all they're like this is for all our health care workers it's like give them money give them money yeah it's like oh i saw the fly fly this really makes my brutal life way better it's like yeah i saw yeah i saw like adults

yeah getting excited i'm like what the who gives a shit especially like if it's any other time yeah it's also like yeah it's kind of cool but who also who cares but then for it to be like hey we gave you 1200 bucks is that enough for i I don't know, a year? Anyway, here's the fly flies doing loopy maloopies. And you're like, oh, that's $1200. The $1200 is literally just so people wouldn't start like. Rioting, mobbing and rioting and like demanding to like and trying to overthrow the government. Yeah.

And that's all it takes is they probably sat down and there's probably people who are way smarter and they're just like what is the least amount of money that's gonna make these idiots feel like we gave them something but not too much but not too much and where it'll just get them off our back and it's twelve hundred dollars that's why everybody was making fun of andrew yang of like his thousand dollar dividend he's like yeah let's give people a thousand dollars okay what an idiot andrew yang and now he's like yeah it seems to be the plan right like yeah um well dude canada is giving people money until um for like the next year. Jesus. Damn. And they just banned assault weapons because they had a mass shooting. Hmm.

Hmm. Like, and they did it the next day they banned them. Well, you know, it's my God given right to have a gun to prevent the King of England from coming over here and taking over. Hey. All right. What are you going to do? Yeah.

Like, yeah. What is it? We're the worst. I was just reading how why did the protesters bring guns to any issue they're like we want to get haircuts bring our guns like why i know it's so dumb i think they're like well if i if i hey also it's people who respect the military so much and they they've never served in their life and they never would yeah and they're like this is my freedom and it's like dude you're still allowed to do almost

everything you wanted to do yeah yeah so just just do it responsibly maybe oh god and that's like yeah you're you're you have a a fucking you have bullets and guns strapped to you and you're yelling in a police officer's face like yeah and just two years ago you had a blue lives matter flag yeah exactly there's that too and then also it's like colin cap he shouldn't protest fuck you and it's like yeah now you're literally screaming in the face of a cop like yeah so can we turn those blue lives matter flags into like face masks or something right now jesus christ oh that is a cool one we should do that cool that's a yeah we should sell those yeah i had to perform under one of those it fucking yeah

i did i did too yeah the year before you the uh yeah that firehouse yeah it's like what what the fuck is it there's a fucking bunch of dumb i mean some of the audience members is cool but most of them clearly you could just tell her like racist pieces of shit and you're just like oh god why why do we have to fucking share a country with these people yeah they're like this guy sucks yeah which is funny because they look at me and they're like why is this guy here yeah it's like well i make more money than you so it's a good that's a good start that's good comment i pay that's the thing if you're a conservative or whatever and you want to talk to me about how our tax money is spent yeah you have to make more money than me because i'm paying more in taxes than you you stupid fuck

don't fucking tell me about tax money like yeah you make you work a grocery store, which you're a hero right now, but trust me, when this is over, we're going to look at you like the garbage you are. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Karen, I just heard Karen in the other room go, oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, dude. Dude, I'm thinking of a specific person who like,

I'm like, dude dude why are you talking to me this way like yeah smarter than you i make more money than you i probably i help more people than you do like yeah you're not a better citizen of america or the world just shut the fuck up what are what are they saying and go check if there's any fucking celery in stock because i want to make fucking ants on a log guy uh like i mean i like i feel bad because he's like a nice guy but he is like a racist he doesn't think he's racist and uh he'll like post all these incendiary stuff and i do too and yeah i don't i don't comment on any of anyone's stuff but he'll comment on on my stuff and him and Chris went at it real bad one day.

Chris Allen, who's a black guy who served in the military, but like, you know, when the Kavanaugh thing was happening, he's a big football fan. Right. He was,

or not Kavanaugh, Kaepernick. I always confuse them. Yeah. They're very similar. Very similar. Yeah. How come Colin Kaepernick keeps taking a knee on the supreme court

you gotta love it or leave it no so like yeah he'll just like post stuff like uh he was so anti-kaepernick and all that bullshit and and then like anytime like i'll post anything like uh political like you know he'll have something to say and it's just like dude yeah shut the fuck up isn't that the worst when you post some joke and then you get that notification that that shithead has commented you're like i know yeah i know this is gonna be annoying but and then it's just like it's also like dude it's like you're i don't know i don't know i don't know he'll never hear it but it's just like yeah it's like this guy is so fat and like disabled now like i remember when i went back home to vote uh i saw him he had to like he

was one of those people who had to get uh um they had to give him a chair at the booth and it's just like dude if the government is coming for you your your stupid gun isn't going to help you because you can't even walk, bro. That's one of my favorite things, too. It's like, yes, your assault rifle is going to be able to defeat tanks, drones, bombs, tons of ships, jets. He'll share all these memes about, like, Omar, you know, like, Representative Omar being, like,

a crazy, extremist Muslim. He shares all these, like, Omar being like a crazy extremist Muslim. He shares all these like he's I can. He always shares all these posts from Hillary should be in jail. Facebook groups. And it's just like, yeah, God, dude, your life sucks, man. Your life fucking sucks. Yeah. It's sports for them.

That becomes their team. Yeah. That's their team. You know, where it's like, yeah, Trump MAGA. It's like they might as well just be into uh the patriots or cowboys or something and it's also like dude i get it i get i live in a bubble yeah but you are racist and you are stupid like you just have to know that yeah but but that's a part of being stupid yeah exactly and then at some point too you're not gonna win like to bring

it back i'm stupid fucking dude tell me like i don't know i thought i knew how the economy worked right like a little bit like i thought i knew just the most cursory how the fuck is the economy like how is there an upward trend right now when 30 million people aren't working or spending money uh what do you mean stock market yeah well you know sometimes i understand speculation but yeah why are speculations positive um we could be in a depression right now yeah some say we're gonna enter one for sure how does that work um i don't know it's so weird because then it's like it's based on i don't really know but yeah weird because then it's like it's based on i don't really know but yeah it's like it's all fake oh yeah because it's also confidence too

or then like i saw an article yeah that's what the speculation part yeah right because they're like well this will do right right because there are things like called speculative stocks or something or what's that there's like a word for i can't remember but yeah it's crazy yeah well i definitely have my money in it so i know that yeah me too i don't look because oh dude i've been looking i've been because i don't play the stock market i just have a retirement fund yeah i have that and then some uh this isn't very punk rock of me to say but i got i got some mutual funds and hey bro you're part of the system now absolutely no i was like i was like come to your house with a pitchfork yeah well uh you better not oh unless it's like

are you bringing it over for like uh like a charcuterie thing or is that is that a part of like the get together is it a locally sourced pitchfork that we could use um yeah no i was i was working out the other day and then checking the s&p 500 i was like god i'm a real piece of shit real piece of shit yeah i can't uh yeah i just i don't check my stuff because it's like i have 27 years to go i know i'm still curious though i still look at it but it's like our my dad is kind of fucked because he wants to retire next year so like he's fine he still has like the way like a 401k or 457 is broken down is like some of it goes directly into like you know it's just like a bank account essentially and then some

of it's in the market yeah yeah and you leave it in the market when you're retired and hopefully it'll come back right but it's like god dude we don't know dude okay so there's um uh next week some comedy clubs across the country are going to start opening again crazy so yeah texas and then like st louis utah i think utah nashville utah and what like why first of all you're gonna have a comedy club where people are wearing masks i don't know and then well also they have to be eating and shit too and like drinking and so you have to be then six feet apart in every direction that's right so that's how many people are going to be at it what is this gonna be a baltimore open mic like what how many people are gonna be in a comedy club because like mcgooby okay so like mcgooby's is a 300 plus seat 350 seat theater yeah almost or club but it looks like a theater when it's full um let's say they have to social distance

six feet apart right from every person you're fitting like maybe 50 people in there yeah which is great for comedy you always want people dispersed uh yeah very far from each other that really gets the energy going and you want their face covered yeah i want their face covered and i want when they if they clap i want to hear it muffled by gloves that's what i want yeah so it's like who so then think about how much money it costs if you are a 300 seat comedy club just to function yeah then take into account you're paying comics so if you're paying let's say like a low level comic would make like 1500 to two grand for a weekend you're not gonna even pay that person that no no well so yeah we are you gonna are you gonna make the tickets more expensive yeah i think for a

shittier experience yeah it's weird because i think they might do that with like bands and stuff too like if you want to go see them the price the price of a ticket's gonna be like double because you have to the venue has to make make up for it like yeah i don't i don't need to see that i'm good no yeah fuck that i don't want to go to a comedy club i don't want to go to a no one's gonna do i'm not getting on a plane for a year dude yeah i mean until yeah until there's a cure or some type of treatment it's insane to think that we would do anything normal like nuts meeting up you know but then when clubs open up again like dude i think they're gonna ask us to work for free

yeah i'm not but also i'm not the clubs aren't going from zero to a hundred it's gonna be a very slow and then what everybody's using their own microphone, you know? Yeah. What the fuck? I don't know. We're so far away from that, though. So far. But people know. People think it's closer than it is. And, like, dude, you got this comic Tim Dillon, who we've had on the pod.

I think he's, like, very realistic about all this stuff. And he was on this other podcast with this guy, Brendan Schwab. Schwab, yeah. Schwab. Dude, dude you gotta listen to it because i listened i thought they sounded so dumb we uh we i think we talked about a little bit but you know brendan oh we did oh my brendan job just sounds like an idiot he's like yeah it's no big deal we gotta open it up gotta do gotta do clubs it's like also dude i don't even think you're great at stand-up you know like no but so bad but it's probably just a lot of money i'm sure on the table thing is too it's like so like tim was saying on another person's podcast today he was like dude he's like also

after this i don't want to be on the road every week he's like bro like i don't want to get on a plane every thursday and every sunday yeah he's, that's not how I want to live my life anymore after this. Well, yeah. And he was like, also, he was like, comedy clubs are such a dated thing. He's like, dude, he's like, you know what sucks about comedy clubs? Like, I have to go to a club and then I have to sit through a shit. My fans have to sit through a shitty host, a shitty feature. So that's 45 minutes they have to fucking get through before i even

come to stage he's like i'm not doing that anymore and it's just like damn yeah i mean well that's the shitty part about where are those openers guys yeah exactly yeah we're the shitty part and we'll wrap up soon but yeah that's the uh that's the shitty part about comedy before all this stuff like i can't imagine having kids and you're 40 and they're like two or three and they're like where are you going it's like i have to go do crackers in idaho you know like yeah i'll be gone thursday to sunday we know people who are full-time professional comics that know like they're not obviously a name but that's how they make yeah a living yeah i don't think they're gonna do that anymore they're gonna have to get a real job yeah you can't you fucking can't with all that there's no way no way

yeah no way if you damn and then what another thing people don't think about is like they uh the like the the when like you think of like economics like everyone thinks of just like you know like um the direct impact. But then there's all these like indirect chain effects that happen. So like let's say something like when Disney World isn't functioning, that's not impacting just Disney World. It's impacting all the hotels near it, all the bars and restaurants near it, vendors, airports, supply food vendors that supply food it go and then so then you just see this like it just spreads all across the country because you know it's it's just like this big network that just is completely fucked yeah yeah no the ripple effect is insane so i don't know man yeah

i definitely go uh of days where i'm like all right we're gonna make it through like this is tough but then it's like how long can those ripple effects keep going too yeah well we'll see people are saying that the uh like food supply chains are starting to break down yeah because they're all that is when this shit gets real bad yeah but that's yeah everybody that's working at these plants is getting sick yeah because they're fucking idiots i mean not the people who work there but the like how it's designed they're refusing to like make compromises because they want to make the most money they can insane insane crazy well going out on a high note on that one baby yeah well what are you gonna do man it's a weird time it is a weird time no i like this i think this was a good pot i'm also

like kind of annoyed like when i listen to a lot of podcasts and they're like let's not talk it's like guys you cannot not talk this is what everyone's thinking about yeah also what what else is going on nothing literally nothing i guess you could talk about tom brady not being on the patriots anymore but oh who gives a fuck rob Oh, boy, and Rob Gronkowski went there. And, hey, listen, I had a meeting this week that went pretty well. So, you know. Nice. So, yeah, I had to lead a meeting on rent, Umar, for the higher-ups, and they liked it.

And I said, yeah. Damn. Yeah. Dude, renters are very upset right now. Well, they need to get their acts together. Pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you can't pay me money.

You can pay me in other ways. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Sex. I'm sure if something goes wrong with your home, you're not going to have money right now to take care of it because no one has a job. Right.

And no one's going to come over and take care of it. you know own it what are you gonna do what are you gonna do yeah all right our sink was oh sorry oh um oh yeah your sink was leaking our sink was leaking and i fixed it and it's that feeling was it what was the issue uh there was a little um one of the valves was a little loose. And so I just had to move it down. And after I did that, I was like, God damn, what am I, just the best handyman alive? Dude, right? Pretty good. Right?

Yeah. Dude, when I first moved in here, I unclogged my own sink. Like I took it all apart. And then you put it back together and uh i bet you like not even a professional but just like a uh any person who is a little smarter than i am in you know could probably have done it in five minutes it took me 45 sure yeah exactly but still yeah yeah something that we do very stupidly they're like that you could have done that in five minutes you're like but i still did it and then yesterday like karen had to work and i was like i'm bored i have nothing to do and i was like fuck it i'll do stuff around the house so yeah i like unclog the tub nice i cut

the grass i cleaned i shaved my head and i was just like damn dude i'm a fucking yeah i'm just a real fucking homeowner yeah like i get those those dad vibes for sure like i'm gonna be the guy it's like you notice anything wrong with the fridge they're like no and i'm like exactly i'm pretty fucking good i'm like all right then it's also funny because then when like karen comes home like i have to be like so i fixed the tub you can thank me now or later i emptied the dishwasher too. Yeah. You know, I'm doing a pretty good job. Pretty good job.

All right, homie. All right. All right. You want to plug your dates? No. Okay. Okay. Just visit the website.

Yeah. That I'm working on. Oh, nice. No, I'm kidding. I'm not working on a website. Oh, I thought you're making like a comedy. No. Fuck that. That would be a funny time to launch a website for a comedian like hey i got a new website like great cool what's on it your dates like that's a cool investment bro just are you just flaunting

the fact that you have all this money in time yeah exactly um but yeah follow me on instagram uh at josh kaderna i've been some, some sketches, which have been fun. Ooh. Oh yeah. They've been good. I like the, um, Alex Jones one. Oh, thanks man. Yeah.

Where he said he was going to eat his neighbors. Unreal. Did you see that he posted, he read a Nicole Mullen blog on his. He did. When? Oh my God. Oh, hold on. I'll, I'll, when we finish, I'll show you.

All right, cool. Um, so yeah, follow, uh, my God. Hold on. When we finish, I'll show you. All right, cool. So, yeah, follow us on social media. Yeah, hope you guys are well. Make sure you donate to the police. Thank you. Cool. Thank you. Goodbye. We'll see you next time.