The Digression Sessions - Ep. 318 - Quarantine Sessions 7

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar talk to their comedian pal Chris Alan! Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

3, 2, 1, we're hard. Hey, welcome back to the digression session, everybody. We are potting again from our homes. It's me, Josh Koderna, in my office. Umar Khan on his porch, it looks like. I'm in my office. Umar Khan on his porch. I'm on my porch. Wait, did you know there's a difference between porch and stoop? Well, yeah.

Yeah, I literally learned that last week. Stoops are steps. And now let's introduce our guest because he's jumping in already before he's introduced. No big deal. You remember him from last time, everybody. It's Chris Allen. The guy who carried the podcast last time what's up everybody i'm back to my i'm back to my podcast that i don't pay for or host what's up hey care carry the podcast wow all right so reading uh reading from a youtube description is carrying the podcast that's fine that's fine i um well yeah you guys actually i can't do that oh chris we can't hear you buddy yeah there you go sorry there we go off oh shit

i gotta send you a couple screenshots that winston sent me about what i'll i'll let you see them dude it's insane it's about what's going on right now oh okay let's just uh what is going on right now you you have to like just see these this is good you're right don't basically there's this guy he's upset about wearing masks and uh what he's what he's suggesting he'll do if he's told to wear wear a mask is pretty insane is it someone we all know no it's no one we know oh okay yeah no one we know um yeah yeah i i don't understand that people are like my fuck it my freedom i'm not wearing that out of fear it's like well why do you bring a gun to subway yeah it's also like

but it's also like the same people who are like, oh, businesses should be able to do what they want. It's just like, OK, well, if a business wants you to wear a mask, you got to wear a mask. It's a private entity. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's just not being a fucking dickhead. Right. I saw somebody post that whole thing about, you know, what I was just saying.

And then someone said that was a false equivalency how come what was their argument how like they they already make cakes and like they they were talking about how like um uh because someone brought up like um the whole gay cake thing and every and all that kind of stuff and they go well they already make cakes and i guess those type of people think that if the store is going to make you wear a mask, they should supply you a mask. And I'm like, what? If you're required to wear a shirt, I mean, you're required to have money to go to a restaurant. Are they supposed to give you fucking money? Yeah.

It's like, OK, now I got to bring money everywhere. What the fuck? What do you mean? I got to fly all the way to Los Angeles. They should just bring it to me. Yeah. Yeah. Bring me my fucking plane ticket. And then, They should just bring it to me. Yeah. Yeah. Bring me my fucking plane ticket and then, yeah, I'll come out there.

That's insane. Chris, you. Oh, go ahead. No, go ahead. Please. I was going to say, you got in some, a big debate storm on your Facebook page from yesterday. Before we want to get into that, I just uh before we get into that i just want to say chris congratulations on uh on biden reaching out to you guys that was really nice i ain't black

yeah yeah chris is not black according to joe biden wow that's a big scoop on the podcast everybody you know i should introduce you so for chris allen not black for people who don't for people who don't know uh i guess he went on The Breakfast Club with Charlamagne. Or I guess he just talked to Charlamagne, right? Which is The Breakfast Club. Nobody's watching that shit without Charlamagne. That's true. That's true.

100%. I like Charlamagne. I like him, too. I think he's a dick, but I like him. I think he can be a dick, but he's pretty smart. Yeah, so he said to charlamagne like basically what did he say he's like well if you're if you're voting for trump you you ain't black or something because yeah charlamagne was trying to say like well i gotta you know i want to know like more about

what you stand for and he's like well if you're not gonna vote for me you're black you're not black and uh yeah like basically like if you have to even think about the decision between me and Trump, then you ain't. I will say watching the video, I only watched that clip. I do think he was trying to make a joke. Me too. Yeah, but so does the other guy. But people don't let that slide either. That's always fake, though. They always say that the next day.

No, I was kidding when I said take Clorox to coronavirus. No, you weren't. But that's the thing. Like, there are times when Trump is clearly joking. But it's like his jokes are insane, too. Like, calling Rosie O'Donnell a fat pig during a debate. Like, that is insane, right? I mean, it's funny, but it's a horrible place to do it.

Right. Yeah, it's like a comic just doing a very bad bit and it's like women are bitches what you don't like that joke that's a joke it's like yeah i'm doing a bit but the best the best part is too it's like when he said that at the debate it got in a applause break dude that's like comics when you're standing in the back of a room and like you see a comic just do like a hack you know just a hack joke everyone's done and like the audience is going nuts and all the comics in the back are just like oh anyone could do that and it's just like all right we'll do it dude yeah that's where i knew i was like oh this is this is serious. He's going to go pretty far. Um,

but yeah, I heard about the, the Joe Biden thing from my dad. He called me and he was like, see Joe Biden said, uh, if you're voting for Trump, you're not black.

It's like, no, I didn't. And he was like, yeah, he was on some radio show with some guy. Um, he had some made up name,

like, uh, like Prince or something. It's great. Yeah. He had some made up name like Prince or something. Some made up. Some name. It's great. Like Prince. That's how like divided.

The name is silly after a while, man. It's like you're like 40 years old and people got to call you Charlemagne the God. It's like, all right, man. Yeah. Mr. The God. The God. But like, yeah. So, Chris, what was your take? You said that you just have to treat them

both i just same i was just gonna i was just saying it's gonna be funny watching people defend him say this and um they to me it's like they've lost their moral high ground to talk shit about trump supporters supporting anything or defending any off-color or, like, you know, gaffe that he has, you know, doing a live speech or something like that. I'm not going to lie, Chris, that was a very white answer. No, I'm kidding because you're not white. But I think that they have lost the moral high ground in my opinion. You can't.

But you can't. That's the thing. People love talking shit about Trump because that's one of their things. Like, oh, he said this and you make all these excuses for him. He said that, you make excuses. It's like, well, now you're in that same boat. Now you can't say that anymore.

It is... Right. Dude, there's no way Trump would get it. Even if he said it in the same manner, no one would go, you know what? Oh, yeah. He was joking. But isn't that the same thing with comics, right?

Chappelle can get away with saying something because we like him. We trust him. We've seen him deal with sensitive topics before, and we kind of know where he stands. I mean, of course we don't know him. Like we don't know any of these people on stage. You know him as a comic, but on stage, you know him and you, you trust him to joke about sensitive topics. Yeah.

Even though you've never talked, there's like a rapport and an understanding. So do you don't think the same is kind of like with this guy who, yeah, he's had, had some egregious, he's done some egregious things. It seems like over the years he's changing to fit the times. And so like you think like, I'm not saying that you should let it slide. And I'm not saying that you are basing your decision to not vote for him just on this one thing. But you don't think it's something like that can be overlooked and he even apologized the next day and like when has trump ever apologized for anything he's ever said i think i think he apologized the same day didn't

he or when did it happen did it happen yesterday on friday or thursday it happened at thursday night maybe i don't get the days run together apologize i have no idea yeah um i i dude i i totally understand that and then i but i also have people on my facebook page like commenting like um they're going like this is the distraction we know his track record you know even though he said this there's other policies you know that i like that he wants to implement that's the kind of stuff I believe in. And like, that's not a big deal for me. But it's just like, OK, why won't you do why won't you give a Trump supporter the same benefit of the doubt and go?

Because there are people who probably like him and go, you know what? I don't really care for the stuff he says about Mexicans. I'm not about a wall, but I'm for a strong economy and i'm for this and i'm for that it's like why why are people support black people who support biden allowed to compartmentalize statements and other people can't do that i don't think i think it comes down to practicality right so like in a perfect world we would be able to say like okay well like yo i think you you can still vote for the guy and still condemn the things he says every now and yeah why can't the other people do it though i think they can but people i think people don't allow trump supporters to do that yeah i think it's true i think it's the

amount that is different too though like joe biden like the amount of gaffes that he has and questionable things that he said versus what trump has said, like Trump does it every day, you know, like every like of saying, you know, there's good people on both sides when Nazis are involved. You're like, holy fucking shit. You know, I think Joe Biden was it was definitely wrong to say, but I think he was trying to joke about it. And if you're looking at questionable statements that he said there's way less than what trump is smelling little girl's hair and touching p that's fucking weird man who doesn't who doesn't like that oh right you're right that is weird and uh oh yeah i also heard that i also heard that biden uh when he caught his son doing crack he called

him black he was like you're acting like a black guy right now. What are you doing? Well, okay. That brings me to the other point I wanted to make. He didn't say the N-word. And his brain is applesauce. So why don't we bring the bar down, right? Pretty good. Isn't this crazy? Dude, we're talking about the most powerful position on the planet.

Yeah. I'm like, let's bring the bar down. Let's do this. Let's do that. All I'm saying is like i i get it man people aren't perfect but i i'm just saying if we're gonna hold trump to this standard of behavior and we're gonna like you know put all of his statements under a microscope then we have to do the same to joe biden i agree i think i'm i'm with you i'm just joking around it would be so

funny for like his his staff he's like how was that like he ends the interview with charlemagne like you didn't say the n-word you nailed it joe let's go let's go god there so one of my neighbors so i'm sitting outside and uh one of my neighbors was outside and she just walked back in so she's just been hearing this whole conversation it's well only a one-sided yeah just every now and then hearing me say like yeah and then she just heard that stupid heroin joke heroin you're like i get it's not umar it's like yeah umar is just uh bald and bearded and he has a microphone he's like and i get why people vote for just drinking whiskey on my porch podcasting. Just living your life. Dude, yeah, I'm going to power

wash later. I'm pumped. Oh, but I was saying when I moved into my house, this girl across the street we have a mutual friend, so she friended me. And if you friend someone like me without any context to who I am and then you see my posts, you think i'm an insane person like so i just start hiding her sometimes from because then there was a day where i posted something like pretty fucked up i can't remember what it was and then i just i and maybe it was in my head but when i tried it i i was saying hi to her she just kind of seemed like

okay bye and i was just like oh my god she probably thinks I'm like alt-right or something like insane yeah because uh my co-workers uh my one co-worker told me she's like yeah like when we first when I first met you and and then I uh friended you on Facebook like she like was texting other co-workers like is Umar a conservative because I guess like people like because all i do is make fun of liberals or that's what i was doing for a long time like people think i'm like alt-right or something it's hilarious yeah i like that you have to either have one position or the other it's like no i either accept everything about this side or if you don't then you're on the other

my thing is it's like i don't have i might have like two people who are conservative on my facebook feed and so it's like i don't it's not fun to me yeah yeah it's not fun to me to make fun of people if they're not there right it's more fun to make fun of people and try to get them to laugh at stuff that is about them yeah well you're also around more liberal stuff too yeah it's like you're gonna critique what's in your world more yeah and a hundred percent of the time i would almost a hundred percent of the time like i'm making fun of myself like i am that person you know yeah yeah a hundred percent yeah like uh um i saw a spray-painted thing somebody it was like a

development and it said uh it said die yuppie scum yeah i've seen that too yeah yeah and i'm like well uh maybe they should thrive i don't know kind of bring up the uh property someone i wouldn't mind someone posted that uh or someone tagged a uh they made the whole billboard that in hamden and it was like a billboard that was like at, uh, like on street level. So I took a selfie with it a couple of years ago. And you know what though? Fuck those people because, uh,

we're turning this neighborhood around, you know, there's a lot of homes on this block that have never been power washed. I've lived here less than a year. I'm about to power wash my fucking house sidewalk. Come on. They want to power wash you out of their neighborhood. Trust me. They want to white power wash me out of their neighborhood that's what i'm saying

the neighbors can't really hear you it's like we got a white power wash everything you're like pointing like have you guys seen uh chloe kardashian's new face no she has a new face oh hold on oh oh my god, what did she look like before? I don't know what any of them look like. That's a completely different person. She's had about five different faces. Is she the billionaire?

No, that's the youngest one. Because how did she become a billionaire? She's like a model? Makeup. Oh, she had this great patent for air pollution. She's working on global warming science. That's like a model makeup oh she had this great patent for uh air pollution she's working on oh that's so nice that's like chris's bit no it's he'll probably never get to do again yeah elon musk sucks too do you think so yeah he's an idiot he's just like we gotta open up the economy take the red it's like Shut up. He's so smart.

I don't even think he connects with most human beings, man. Is he that smart, though? Why? Why do we think so? I don't know. Building rockets and shit and a Tesla and all that type of stuff. Is he building them or his team? Ooh, got a little Bill Burr bit. I think he's involved.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm sure he is. He's like, make me a car that runs on a battery. I don't think he's that I don't think he's that guy I think he's like I think he's involved man but I could be wrong I don't know but I never I never felt like um but you could be right I don't know much about the guy but I think I think he's more involved hands-on with actually doing stuff um seems like he's just trying to be like ah yeah I yeah, I'm a rebel, smart billionaire guy,

and I named my kid a weird name. Dude, he swung his big dick, and it fucking paid off. Did you see what he told California? He's like, if you don't let me reopen my factory, I'm going to move. And he's like, I'm going to open it, and you can come arrest me if you want. And then California caved, because they have to keep. Oh, really? Yeah, because they want that. move and and he's like you i'm gonna open it and you can come arrest me if you want and then california cave because they have to keep oh yeah because they want that they want yeah they want that rev like to be able to tax his revenue and they want people to be employed at his factory

the same thing happened in uh texas um he opened up a plant down there like right next to i think like a retirement community and they do like rocket tests and all types of shit like at all hours and so like it's completely like destroyed the community as far as being just like a quiet place to live quiet place to die and yeah even if there's like a noise complaint texas is like yeah yeah but you know they bring money so you know like even the cops are like yo you should chill to chill to, like, the people that live there. And see, like, all the people who complain about all these billionaires, especially, like, people on the right,

they claim they hate all these fucking rich people that are influencing. They don't have a problem with Elon Musk, you know, using his billion dollars to muscle up a state to open up their economy. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? They really, both sides talk shit about billionaires. Yeah.

You know, I always ask, but the left is like, how come you always hear about like, guy, oh, take his money.

I never hear anybody talking about trying to take Oprah's money or Ellen's money. Right. Why is it always just fucking male billionaires

that you want to take money from? I like it. That's a feminist stance. Let's take the billionaire lady's money. You should. Fuck it. If you hate billionaires that you want to take money from i like it that's a that's a feminist stance let's take the billionaire ladies you should fuck it if you hate billionaires so much and rich people so much you only talk about fucking and the thing is dude if if what is it probably like 95 of billionaires are like guys what if it was what if it was 95 of women billionaires were women would they still be talking that shit no they would go this there's a reason why uh women are mainly billionaires that's because we're blah blah blah

blah blah you know you know what i'm saying yes dude uh i also hate when like uh when like a billionaire will donate money like when jeff bezos donated a bunch of money for PPE or whatever, and people are like, oh, so that's only like.00. It's like, dude, it's $25 million. How much PPE does that buy? A fuck ton. It's okay. So you get $5 billion, and now what? And the thing is, you give people that type of money,

the thing is, man, so much of that money gets lost in so many hands and people steal shit it's just like yeah i hate that oh you only gave 20 million how much did you give dude i so i broke down like so i like every now and then i'll donate to local bartenders and stuff like venmo them and so uh i'll give like 20 bucks or whatever so i if you do the proportion of your salary mine's like point zero zero something also so it's like yeah i had i had that same thought too where it's like do you want to donate to baltimore city schools it's like sure they can get 50 bucks yeah but that's great that's great i i know i know but it is the same exact thing

just on a different like the same scale from like our salaries to what yeah but that's the thing no one is giving us shit it's like oh like 50 to us sounds like like dude 50 is a lot of money to me yeah i would yeah i would and again i have such a hard time spending 50 you know what i mean send me 5050 right now. I don't know. I mean, if you needed it, I would. I need it. You don't need it right now.

What do you need it for? Yeah. Groceries. I guess. Do you get to shop at a place for military people? See, this is some of her old faces. Oh, wow. She looks so different.

Poor gal. That's Oh, wow. She looks so different. Poor gal. That's sad, dude. I think Kim Kardashian looks awful. Top to bottom. I think she's like... Because didn't she get... Top to huge bottom.

Didn't she get like ass implants? It doesn't look great. Have you really seen pictures of it, man? Not to be an asshole, but it doesn't look good, man. Wait, what?

Oh, her butt. Her butt. It's so gross, gross man it's so gross yeah yeah it's like beach ball yeah and it's like her legs don't match it's i mean i think she looks great but like her butt just look it just it looks so fake man it's uh yeah i i treasure all queens so you know i just that's on you guys god damn do to yourself if you want to get you know work done that's fine but it's just fine But you can't lie to yourself And say that's you

Your kids aren't going to look like that It's crazy We focus so much Where is the fucking Hair Implant They have it It is not great

I want to be able to live it why are we folk have you people will have sex with women no matter what they look like why are we focusing on that hair loss for men let me take because bitches don't be going bald like us that's why if women got bald like you like if that was if if women got like female uh pattern baldness like a guy that shit would be fixed man but you think so yeah oh i don't think yeah they do yeah they do and it's not a sexist thing i just think hair is way more important to women than it is to guys dude i'm fuck that i hate being i am still not used to being bald you look good thanks i mean thank god you can grow a beard i think that balances it out you look dumb bald i agree dude i fucking hate it

like honestly dude you look great man you look fine no yeah but when i see pictures i it doesn't i feel like i'm looking at a like someone who's not me it's weird and like i had all i could i have all these like uh like i get so nervous like dude when i was first shaved my head and i started performing like i was very nervous because i was like i feel like i look uh more mean and i look more like a terrorist which i do i do look more like out of like super You look super brown. Do you have. Yeah. Teeth. I got. I can't lie. You have very menacing teeth. Yeah.

I look more like brown, if that makes sense. And like. Yeah. But your beard is like, well, thank you. Like,

it looks good. It's if it was like a little more frazzled. Right. At the farmer's market. You know, I might. He might switch his purse to the other side. Yeah.

It's a tote bag for the last time it's a tote bag yeah um but yeah yeah so no i thought like you pull it off man you don't have like a lumpy head or anything either yeah i was just nervous i was like man i'm not gonna be able to do my jokes anymore because they're gonna come off they're gonna come off different now that i'm like i don't i look more threatening you know and but it's fine it's all in your head it sucks but uh it's all in your ball it's all in your ball no i know i know it's in my head i know i'm being menaced by a five foot five 122 i'm five nine a hundred i'm one i'm up dude i'm 165 right now It's gross Shut up dude I gotta lose 10 pounds

I don't even have a scale Well I got weighed at the fucking emergency room I told you and I kept telling the doctors Like guys I've gained a little weight I usually weigh 10 pounds less My lips are usually way smaller I promise Oh dude go to the hospital

I'm getting a little weight It's like This bald guy Is really worried about his weight What's like the one thing You guys are like Self conscious about Well Josh

Do you have anything Of course he does Am I too ripped You know what I mean When people are like Oh shit I'm just worried You know what I mean? When people are like, oh shit, what's up? I'm just worried. You delivered that perfectly, too.

Sorry, my buddy rolled through, but I'm podcasting. Yeah, no problem. Jesus, you live the life, dude. You're podcasting on your porch drinking whiskey. I know. You really are. I'm afraid I look so menacing. You're like, how you doing, Jeff?

Good to see you. How are you? Wait, so Chris, what's yours? Why the fuck would I tell y. Like, I'm afraid I look so menacing. You're like, how you doing, Jeff? Good to see you. How are you? So, Chris, what's yours? Why would I fuck with that? Tell you what I'm self-conscious about. Yeah. I'm self-conscious. I mean, I guess I'm just self-conscious in general.

I don't know. I'm very insecure, man. Yeah. I mean, aren't all comedians, you know? Yeah. Even people you would never think, like, you're just like, and then you kind of get to know them more. You're like, oh, my. Why are they worried about that?

Yeah. Yeah, it's like, who cares? Yeah. I remember when I first got my braces, Shane Gillis was like, who cares? I never noticed your teeth. I had, like, just spent $6,000. I'm like, yeah, no big deal. That happened to me when I got my braces in my early 20s.

Like, that was like, that's what I was super self-conscious about before my braces. My teeth were bad. Really, really bad, man. And people used to make fun of me or just make jokes all the time. When I got braces, they go, you got braces? I go, yeah. They go, why? I go, why?

Because my parents have money, you broke bitch. Two days ago, y'all were making fun of my teeth. They go, I mean, they weren't that bad. Yeah. I drove to Air Force so I could get my own braces. My dad wouldn't buy them. Whoa. He's like, if you want them, get them yourself.

That's the whole reason. That's, dude, the reason hundreds of people in the Middle East are dead is because Chris wanted straight teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you leave, you got to leave behind a good looking corpse. It's like the tomb stones we left behind. These, these are all true.

Yeah. This is ISIS. This is a dude. That's a bit. That's a fucking bit. Right. That, that is such a good bit. Is it?

All right. I'll keep it. Um, uh, but I, I do take a, I take a pill to, uh, maintain my, wow. You take Propecia, right? It's the generic Propecia. Right, right. It's finished ride, and it's like $13 for 90 pills. So I'm like, sure, why not?

See, I heard about it, but I got nervous. Too late, buddy. Because, oh, yeah, way too late. I should have started taking it when I was 10. But I like one, I mean, it's a very rare side effect Is your dick will never work again And another is depression And I already have

You know like I already like Kind of have issues With my mood and stuff So I'm like I don't want to fuck with that I do too I took a gamble on it

Yeah And so yeah Man the things The things we value Huh Oh absolutely See that's all we really can't yeah people can't really trash chloe kardashian you know i'm saying no well especially if you're under that microscope like you were like you you joined the military because a few

of your friends were like imagine millions of people being like you're fucking fat and ugly you should be hot like your sister and you're like cut my face up please make it pretty that's very true you know have you ever just gone to like one of these like female celebrities pages and look at the comments oh it's horrible it's insane man it's insane yeah like i mean just what we feel even like performing too and you have one person after the show to be like yeah it was all right or like somebody like tries to like give you shit and you're like i'll kill that person you get thousands of them man people calling you ugly and fat and like uh you know like a man and all this is right they're just it's not cool to do to people man it's really not yeah that's the one thing i don't understand about people it's like

it's like these people are humans right and, like, what do you think they feel? Like, imagine, like, what you feel when you read a negative comment. Like, why would you send something like that? It's insane. But you know what people say? Fuck them with all their money. That's what it is. People, this is jealousy, man.

Fuck them with their money. They put themselves out there. Their money. Yeah. And they're celebrities. They don't care. And Bill burr brought up a great point like because he was like saying i'm tired of all this celebrity bashing because

a lot of celebrities because i'm a celebrity now yeah yeah and i'm a million i'm a millionaire the one difference between like i would say most celebrities and like other rich people is like it's like they kind of you know celebrities most a lot of them came like they put in the work they came from the the bottom and now because they made all these sacrifices they took a chance they chased their dreams they probably lived like shit for a long time now they have a good life so it's like why don't you do the same you know and so it's like have shit yeah a lot of people didn't have shit and now they're famous they're huge and people just shit on them like oh these rich people and it's just like that's why i think like when people gave kanye like i understand kanye says crazy things but you really have to understand like he's a a dude from the hood uh with a mental disorder

so it's like why like you we and mental disorders they you know there's a big stigma in the poor communities about seeking help for mental problems especially the black community so imagine him growing up i mean i don't know his what his life was like but who knows how if he was being treated i assume it was poor but i'm just saying like if you if you if you saw a kid in baltimore city from the hood saying insane shit you would make so many excuses for that kid i'm saying you should give the same to someone like kanye because at the end of the day like he's a dude from the hood who because of his talent has all this money right so what's that's the only difference right is but money we know that money doesn't uh protect you from a mental disorder like that's insane yeah that's crazy just based on how much money you have just it dictates what people can say about

you yeah yeah it's like well they're fine they got a lot of money yes dude same with kevin like same with kevin hart like if you understood how kevin hart grew up you might kind of you know like that guy is so different than probably most of his friends back from where he is. And to dig up tweets from 10 years ago where he said homophobic things, he employs gay people, dude. How many people who are trashing Kevin Hart have given people from the LGBTQ community a career? They just give him a couple of tweets and feel good about it yeah that's the crazy part have you watched his uh that documentary kind of thing that he that he had on netflix no i did i loved it see that's that's why like i think

kevin hart is the way he is now because like when they get into like what his father was like, his dad was this kind of scummy, womanizer type of guy. And that's also in Kevin Hart. That's half of his DNA. His father was a fucking Rambo man. You know? So, I mean, it's in him to be the same way. It's just like... Yeah, and people say shit like people say dumb shit.

Like I saw tweets when when that whole way, what was he going to the Oscars controversy happened where he got. Yeah, he was the tweet. Well, yeah. But if people remember, like he was asked to host the Oscars and then people dug up tweets of his where he made some gay jokes or homophobic jokes. And I saw a lot of tweets like, how hard is it to not be homophobic? It's like, well, really hard if you grew up your whole life being told that this is a bad thing by people that you look up to. You have to unlearn that shit. It's also anachronistic too to move the goalposts in the past yeah like uh we looked at george washington's estate and it

turns out he had slaves uh sorry you're canceled it's like somebody's at his grave do you want to do you want to speak on this mr president and like? And they, like, hold it out to the tombstone. Yeah. Oh, nothing to say, huh? I didn't think so, you gray-haired, wooden-teeth bitch. But, yeah, so that's the thing. It's like, also, when he was tweeting that 10 years ago, he wasn't the only one doing that. Like, things are evolving, too. And look at how many likes it got.

It's just like, dude, when you go back and you watch all those Richard Pryor stuff, you watch Eddie Murphy opening up with all his gay jokes in the beginning, everybody's laughing. All the jokes that people talk about were problematic and shitty and this, that, and the third. You go back and look, it's like, dude, everyone is laughing. Don't act like it was just person. It was a societal thing. Everybody thought it was okay.

You don't even have to go back that far. You can go back to the first Hangover. You can watch Harold and Kumar. Like, those movies could never be made today. Also, so many of just the jokes in popular comedy movies were also just like, okay, but what if we were gay? What if we were confused for being gay? That is funny. A lot of the jokes are

where two guys almost kiss or hold hands or something. Look at fucking Chuck and Larry. That whole movie. I don't know what that is. The one where Adam Sandler and Kevin James

had to get married. Oh, I never saw it. Was it good? It wasn't great. Jessica Biel was the best part of it. She was in a Catwoman outfit. That is the reason why I saw that movie. I was just like, Jessica Biel in a Catwoman costume? I'm going to see that.

So hot. It's weird, man man it's really not fair to look at um a tweet or anything in the past with the lens of today and judge people by it you know i wonder i wonder if that will happen in like the post-covid world you know what do you mean probably because people still need it i don't know i think people will still do it but i don't know how much traction it'll get because it's like okay there's a hundred thousand people that are dead well you know like there's still gonna be people tweeting about like uh this is problematic and it's like hey we got bigger fish to fry i'm starting to see people kind of settle in now because i'm starting to see a few tweets about, like, I guess there's some guy. I can't think of his name, but he's a makeup artist, and he created a line called Cremation.

And, like, people are, like, outraged about that. Oh, really? Yeah. It's called Cremation. Why are they outraged? I didn't even want to read it. It's just that they were just saying, like, the outrage in that community about the name. Probably just how it's disrespectful to people who have been cremated or maybe burn victims or something.

I don't know. Just the name. Damn. That's so stupid. People are bored, man. People are bored. Yeah. Kudos to you for not clicking that because that's the whole idea.

Is it like let's put some stupid shit on it? I'm reading books and i'm getting better at guitar and fucking doing home improvements that's yeah dude i love that show when i was young you know why because you're a fucking young republican that's why yeah yeah yeah you love power tools and power tools do you remember yeah do you remember they had a whole arc of that show get rid of the jews they had a whole arc of that show where his wife cheated on him oh really it was like a it was like a three-part series and it was like super serious yeah no he gave her jill jill jill cheated on him during like yeah the the um

in in that show yeah yeah that was always funny when those shows tried to get serious it's like just you know it's like you know like on it yeah on an all-new home improvement tim puts a super charger in the dishwasher and jill might be. And it was with a black guy. Was it? No. Didn't it? Because recently, remember like a couple years ago in an interview like Tim Allen was

like upset that he's not allowed to say the N word. Oh yeah. Did you guys remember that? And then there was an, I guess he did a movie with like He's trying to put it in the toy story scripts he's like what i think buzz lightyear would say yeah yeah so when he they were on a press junket for uh the latest toy story uh tom hanks and tim allen went out together and like tim allen like barely spoke and it's just because they were asking like some questions about like i don't

know like about like uh something having to do with like black lives matter and stuff like that and like tim allen was just stone face and tom hanks had like a very you know very nice thing to say i was just picturing it now it's like uh mr allen do you think Black Lives Matter? He's like, oh. What is stupid? I don't like that, though. To be honest, dude, talk about the movie, man. Why are you trying to put people on the spot with that shit, man? I agree.

That has nothing to do with the children's movie. I came here to talk about my movie. You want to hear what I got to say about that? It's just like, people say, I got a podcast. I do I do. But here I'm not talking about that here, man. I'm here to say I'm here to get people to see the movie, man. Yeah, I think the best way to answer those questions like is to be like, well, what do you think? Yeah. Who like Bill Burr does it? What do you think? Yeah. Like what do you think? Because it it's like why would you answer a question because the only reason they're asking is so you can say something fucked up so they can

have a headline right that says like oh this person defended this person right and it also makes it seem like they ignored another question yeah what's your favorite part of working with tom hanks and he's like i don't think black lives matter you know it's like you made me answer on this topic and now you're just taking that piece out and making it look like the only thing i said yeah dude i don't uh i've done a couple interviews before for like some local paper stuff and i'm like fuck they kind of took that out of context and there was nothing big it's like i didn't say that you know yeah yeah because because yeah they're trying to put you in a narrative that they already have. This is weird, man.

I don't. You got to be on your toes with that shit, man. You got to be on your toes. You really got to think about what you want to say. Dude, it is funny, too. Like, I've been interviewed by, like, yeah, also, like, a couple small, like, local stuff. And I remember. I was in Baltimore's Baltimore Style magazine.'s baltimore style magazine so no big

deal no big deal i think it's defunct oh yeah you know but when i was i remember like growing up watching like bands i love like in interviews i'm like oh why are they so like awkward and you know like they're just like i was like oh man they're so bad at speaking but when people ask you questions about yourself and then they want you to kind of like give a real answer, it is very uncomfortable. Like I got interviewed for this documentary, um, a couple of years ago. And, uh, and I had like no idea how to answer any question. Like the question, like the worst question is like, is like um what's like where do you get inspiration for your comedy how would like how would you describe your comedy those are the

worst questions ever and why do you and um and why do you think you're a comedian like all those you have no idea how to is you're just like i have an problem. I think I'm better than most people. I didn't get enough attention as a kid. Yeah, I hate myself. I'm broken. My dick is small. There's hair literally on my penis. So I don't know.

Do you have a hairy dick? Oh, yeah. It's so hairy, dude. What do you think? Your dick itself is hairy? Oh, I have hairs. Well, like the bottom. Like the shaft.

Oh, yeah. I got hairs. It goes pretty far up, Josh. All the way up to the head, huh? Not the head, but it gets halfway up. Wow. So you have a bunch of hair on your penis? Yeah.

I was going to say. Wow. Yeah, dude. I'm a hairy man. That's what makes being bald even worse, and thank God no one's outside. But, yeah, that's what sucks. You're just like, I spent. You're not going to work out.

Just shave. You'll lose 10 pounds. Dude, no. I look way better after I shave my, like, because I trim up all my shit. That's what I'm saying. You don't got to lose weight. Just shave, dude. You'll lose 10 pounds.

Oh, dude, it's great. It's great. Well, yeah. I mean, I feel like manscaping has changed your life because you would just wear long sleeve shirts. Oh in the summer all the time we did a i don't know if i told i've probably said it uh on the podcast before but i don't know if chris knows but one time we we did a show in uh in hamden and umar got pretty drunk and not like i mean the show went well and you were fine during the show i blacked out that night yeah okay so yeah were fine during the show. I blacked out that night. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, that's what it was. Yeah.

He blacked out and he went on stage and he would always have a long sleeve shirt on no matter how hot it was, like a flannel, like all the way down to the wrist. Yeah. And at the end of the show, he went up in just a T-shirt was like, thanks so much, everybody, for coming. Blah, blah. And and then the next day he was like he was like man i i was so fucked up last night i threw up and like i think we went to went to a restaurant went to gold yeah he didn't remember doing that you're like shit i don't even remember doing that and i was like man i should have known something was up because you went on stage with

just a t-shirt on he was he grabbed my arm like i told him he murdered somebody he was like i did what he was like could not believe yeah dude i used to be so nervous uh because when i first started working in schools i wasn't trimming my arm hairs dude and even when i do trim my arm hairs dude black kids make fun of me so much for being hairy because they don't damn let me get hairy dude they call me like a monkey a caveman and it's like and like and i can't even hide the fact that it hurts my feelings and when they know they're hurting your don't shave they won't see your fucking face yeah it's so bad comb that beard up like dude yeah like i'll like i remember one time i walked into like a middle school classroom and they're like yo who's this monkey in here right now are you serious yeah

i love us yeah dude yeah and it's like it's it's so funny but it's just like god it hurts my feelings every fucking time and you just like, it sucks. And like, I have no good comeback. I mean, I could. I do have good comeback, but I can't say it because I'll get fired. Oh, monkeys. Chris, hold your mic to your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This doesn't matter. Oh, yeah, it does. I got two. Yes, but the one that's recording. Sorry. Okay. Easy, buddy. Yeah. Anyway, what were you saying? Oh yeah it does I got two Yes but the one that's recording I know Sorry Okay Easy buddy Yeah anyway what were you saying The easiest comeback for any kid

Is just tell them that their breath stinks That's it I don't Yeah That's it But the thing is dude Is like I in a position of

As like a staff member Let alone the psychologist I can't do that, buddy. Hey, John, your breast stinks. Yeah. And my yeah. And my parents are still married. So fuck off.

That would be too far. I mean, they hate each other and they didn't know each other before. They were forced to marry each other, but they're still together because my mom can't financially be independent or save it all for the

end of the year you just keep going for 10 minutes they're like jesus all right i won't say i do a whole one-man show on arranged marriages like hassan minaj yeah the year is 1987 did you get my text yeah let's see oh but well i will say like yeah like so like when i like i wouldn't i remember sitting at the comics table at the big hunt like three or four years ago and naomi caravani was like why don't you just trim your arm hair and to me that was like if i trim my arm hair people will make fun of me more you know like like people like chris and other comics. But then, like, I realized, like, it makes me so much more comfortable on stage, and it's so nice to not have to carry around, like, a hoodie in the summer or a long-sleeved shirt and just to get up on stage.

And honestly, no one really cares, dude. I know no one cares, but the thing, like, I don't. It is a distraction. Dude, like, I've been in coffee shops, like, writing essays when I was in college and, like, grad school. Dude, what did you say? Look at this monkey writing a paper. Yeah, right. While he's using his feet to type.

Wow. Look at, yeah, look at this monkey not using his foot to grab a coffee mug. That's, Is it really? Dude, strangers. Strangers would come up to me and be like, wow, you're so hairy. Strangers. This has happened over 20 times. So I'm so self-conscious about it.

So this is what you're self-conscious about. Hair, yeah, and my weight. Those are the two big ones. Yeah, your weight I've never really noticed. I know, but I hate my stomach. Like right now I'm gross. What the fuck are we doing here? I know, dude.

Hey, no, listen. No, here's the thing. We got a big, you know, the way that the ladies do it, we have to do that with ourselves. That's very true. We're all kings here. We're all kings. I'm not a king, man.

I hate that shit. It's like everybody's a king and queen. It's like, where did that come from? Gotta be some serfs around here. We don't fuck with water. That's why we're not serfs, bro. Kings and queens. That's so good, dude that's why I'm royalty

That's why I'm royalty That's what's up I'll never hang out We swag surf But that's about it Damn What's swag surf? See

Oh Omar Like Josh is swag surfing Right now with his body Damn That's right I'm just cute You swag surfing right now with his body. Damn. That's right. I'm just cute. You swag surfing with the shades, you know, got the beard, whiskey. Hell yeah.

Dude, I will say I remember being like in college or in my 20s, and I would see like older men walking around with like, you know, they wear their like safari shorts or they're like whatever shorts or tennis shoes. And they always have like I would. Oh, they would always have on like like an under armor like polo or like some sort of like workout shirt in the summer. And I thought they looked so lame. I was like, look at these dads and their fucking gross outfits dude like the idea of wearing a cotton shirt and walking around in the summer is so

gross to me now as a 30 some year old like like i have been exclusively wearing like workout t-shirts when i go outside in public in the summer because That's not allowed to wear, dude. Yeah, dude, because it makes a world of difference. And I don't care how silly I look. Karen hates it. Karen hates the way I've been dressing recently because I just wear my jogging pants, like workout pants. Dude, you got to get some skinny joggers, dude. Oh, dude, I got them.

Karen cannot stand them. And they also taper off at the ankle, too. You know how they – yeah. It's called athleisure. Yeah. Dude, get with it. You know the best look, dude, I'm telling you, if you want to look cool, the best look – you know how professional soccer players look when they're

wearing the whole sweatsuit? Yes. Yeah. I like that. They're all trim, and the sweatsuit is fitted. It's like, dude, that's how I like to walk around if I'm not doing comedy. It's like, give me a fitted sweatsuit with a zip-up hoodie, and I'm good, man. I just want to.

All right. I think I'm going to order one from one from nike i want to get the adidas or is that is that is that overplayed like the adidas pants with the the the skinny adidas no it's just yeah it just depends the cut no it's not it's not played out hey listen it's your swag sir you right sure dude it's the best you did like right now it feels i feel so good i'm sweating but you can't tell i'm sweating like because normally if i walk to like the farmer's market in a like a regular t-shirt my whole back is just he about to blow us he saw sweat dude yeah dude yeah i gotta get it out of the way well i mean it doesn't matter because there's so much hair on umar's dick it's a good thing i don't have my braces dude uh well we're like 49 in so no one's from work

is gonna hear this but uh when i was like 16 17 that's when i've got my first girlfriend dude i because back then like remember that like metrosexual was a thing back then remember like when people called guys metrosexuals with with like the first uh wave of uh queer eye for the straight yeah it was like the first wave of like men starting to care about how they dress how they look and being kind of open about like caring about fashion and stuff yeah and it is funny you couldn't just be like oh he's a guy it's like that's a met a metro yeah you know so like like this crazy it's like they had to call it some type of gay yeah right right like it was gay yeah like a woman that likes fashion and wears makeup they're like that's a lady you know one that doesn't also also is a lady it's not so yeah so um yeah like i didn't get on umar's tip oh yeah

minor prescription bro come on yeah mine too oh prescription oh you got the undertaker hat chris this is my wife's hat yeah um but i uh dude i didn't take care of my pubic hair at all. And, dude, my, like, literally, no joke, you couldn't even see my ball sack. It looked like a Chinaman's fucking chin, dude. It was insane. Chinaman? Yeah, it was. Chinaman? Jesus.

Is that wrong? Are we not allowed to say that? That's racist as fuck. Oh, shit. Can we bleep that? Hey, that's not the preferred nomenclature. I don't even know if this is offensive, but they call it the Fu Manchu. You just had the long.

I 100% did not know that was offensive. I'm sorry. I did not know. I am. I didn't know. But, dude, you could not see my balls. I had like four inches of just hair hanging off my balls like yeah my yes dude but didn't you yeah didn't you say when when chicks saw it though you would go me so solid

didn't you say that that's not cool that is not cool i didn't know that's crazy yeah sorry it was a different time it was 2009 yeah dude i feel so i i like i want to call my girlfriend from back in high school and just apologize to her what would you but you weren't self-conscious at all i mean what did she do and real quick umar how would you apologize what would that sound like i would be like hey what's up uh it's your boy no um you would say me so soft Yeah I don't know I would just be like Hey you know Well fuck

But she was also So like I think the only reason She was into me Is cause she was also Really self conscious So she was like Ah this guy's ugly

So he'll never think I'm ugly You call her She's like Hold on a second Yeah She's She's married now

And I think She married like a British guy. And I think they moved to Britain and they both are big horse riders. And I think he owns like horses and all that shit. Jesus Christ. Damn. So she definitely improved her life. She glowed up.

She took a step down. Oh, yeah. Step down. Oh, you know, it's hilarious, too. Like we dated for three and a half years. It was my first girlfriend. And when i first got into comedy uh we were broken up but uh when i got my first show uh where i opened up for like a

famous person i was opening up for kyle dunnigan at the auto bar i just crazy kyle dunnigan there dude i just started my but it was downstairs so this is the main room not what you headlined upstairs like the small shitty room but uh but uh so god is that kyle um dude i so i just graduated from college i started a new job all my co-workers from my new job that we all started together, they all came. So, like, ten people from my new job. I've only been there for two weeks. Right.

They came. My ex-girlfriend messaged me. She's like, hey, would it be okay if I came? I was like, yeah, for sure. To this day, it is the hardest I've ever bombed in my life. And I mean, like, bombed. I was doing rape jokes. i was making fun of kids in wheelchairs like it was horrible like i yeah you're like all right the rape stuff isn't working

i gotta save them with yeah i did bombed so hard and oh i used to like i used to i used to dress like a def jam comic like i i had ple, dress shoes, and a dress shirt on stage. How was that Def Jam? That's not the, yeah. Not Def Jam, but I'll show you a video and maybe you might agree. I don't want to see that bullshit. But dude, I bought- You dressed like a black nerd.

Yeah, you probably had a sweater vest on. Yeah, black nerd is the way. Yes, dude, I have a video of me killing at the Baltimore Comedy Factory. I had a purple Ralph Lauren sweater vest on. Yeah. You were dressed like the black nerd in the urban scene. Yes. Yeah.

Like early Kanye West. Dude. Yes. Preppy. The hardest bomb. I mean, like, zero laughs. Like, all my friends from college, 10 minutes. Oh.

You never got one not one and a parna was next after me oh my god dude i bombed it was unreal i remember and i my current girlfriend was there at the show i got off stage i sat next to her in the audience i put my head on her shoulder and i fell asleep and i called out of work the next day. How did you fall asleep? That's huge. I would have so much anxiety. I think my body was so overwhelmed from the stress.

Yeah, like you're fight or flight and you're like, let's fly. Yeah, and I couldn't even go to work the next day. It was so painful. What if they're like, yeah, and you're like, let's fly. Yeah, and I couldn't even go to work the next day. It was so painful. What if they're like, yeah, no, we get it. That was woof. Yeah, take the day. What if everybody else called out, too, because they were so embarrassed for you? They're like, I can't see this guy.

They couldn't even face me in the eye and lie that I did well. We're just going gonna close down today any feedback at all dude no i mean my buddy uh alex who ran the show he was just like yeah you you bombed and uh yeah dude i was just four months into comedy i didn't know what the fuck i was doing and and i shouldn't have been on that show like i just think you were killing at all or no no no i knew it was going poorly yeah and that's the worst part when you're brand brand new like yeah come on out i'll get tickets yeah you're the cockiest you've ever been i was getting i was doing shots before the show with

my co-workers drinking we went out for sushi like it was horrible, dude. I remember I even said, oh, I'm better when I'm drinking. Like just all the arrogance of a new. We have to get at least a couple of these people on this so we can talk about this. I don't think I talked to literally any of them. Jesus Christ. Had to move on. Dude, it was so bad and i remember thinking like that was like like i was four months in i was just like i think i should not do this ever again

like that sucks yeah it's a horrible feeling especially but the cool part was years later uh last year i got to feature for kyle dunn. And, I mean, not to brag, I fucking murdered, like, every show. And it was cool. I got to tell Kyle that story. And obviously he didn't remember it, but it was just like we both got, like, a nice, like, it was just like a nice kind of full circle. Yeah. Where it's like the same way you just told us, like, way too long. Yeah. No, dude. It was great. It was like, I'm about to go up. yeah where it's like the same way you just told us like way too long yeah no dude that yeah it

was great like i'm about to go up and also not to be a dick there was there was two shows where he couldn't follow me oh my god okay that felt great it felt great it felt great podcast right i don't care comedy's over i don't care for those listening at home you guessed it right you guessed it right he You guessed it right. But he said it. He even said it out of his own mouth. I'm going to tweet him right now. For those listening at home, Umar's glass is empty at this point.

Yeah, he's better when he's drinking. Even on podcasts. I podcast better when I'm drinking. Dude, look. Umar, hold on. I'm poor. Yeah, I got the three cameras i got the one damn oh i got i got i got two i mean i spend my money poorly so don't you know that's funny you can

be rich but spend it poorly um definitely i'm not rich uh well hey oh i got some uh i got some questions i was gonna say umar yeah we got, we got questions here. I'm not going to give the identities of anybody. This person we all know. He just got divorced after being married for a long time. All right, Russ Green. Let's hear it. Not him, but he said,

I need dating advice after being married for a hundred years. What dating advice would you give to a guy who is just... I have zero advice. I got advice. Yeah, go for it. Chris, you don't have anything. I feel like you would have great advice.

It's hard for me to give somebody some... How long have they been married? How old is this person, approximately? 40s. 40s? I think. Hold on. They need to update their wardrobe.

Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. My one advice is when I was single, the thing, like, all my dates, like, I got very few dates from online dating. All my dates came from going to shit. When I was single, whenever I got invited, I went to every, even when I didn't feel like wanting to go out,

I would just be like, fuck it, you know what, I got to go. You hit those mics, huh, baby? Yeah. No, but that's like you're grinding. You just, yeah. Any house party. Yeah. Go to farmer's markets. Go to any.

Go to everything. Just go be out there. Because Umar gets a phone number. He posts about it on Facebook. He's like, great set last night. Just grinding. Hashtag blessed. Got a phone number.

I'll give the Bill Burr advice. Go to the gym. Get in shape. Yes. Go back to the gym. in shape update your work yeah go to go back to the gym get in shape yes that's no that's the best because i remember being a kid listening to loveline and they would the best advice they would give is uh it's you you have to make it's like you by focusing on yourself and doing cool shit you want to make your life attractive to other people. Don't worry about chasing other people.

Just make your life. Just do cool things and take care of yourself. And see, that person already does cool shit. Yes. They already do cool shit. And they're around cool people all the time. And I'm not saying they're out of shape or anything like that, but just go back to the gym, get in shape, update your wardrobe,

and just focus on yourself for a while. And I think if you do that, I think the rest of it will kind of fall into place. Do cool shit with your friends. If it's the opposite, the desperation, the stink

on you is ugh. So you have to you have to bring something to the table and then also not be as concerned with their attention and it'll go back to the gym man yeah shape and uh just eat right yeah and yeah yeah i think the wardrobe is kind of something that's pretty important too you don't have to try to dress like you're 23 but fucking you gotta like i had to yell at some of my friends it's like dude you gotta get rid of those jeans man oh really people give me shit a lot because uh i uh i pretty much have like people say i have like a uniform because i just wear the same kind of like i have the i'll buy the same i have the same shirt in

different colors i wear like i have two pairs of one black jean, one blue jean, and button downs and hoodies. So I don't look different on date. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. But I just like being comfortable. Is a hoodie bad on a date? A first date, is that a bad look?

It depends who you date and where, yeah. Say you went to a cool bar that's known for hot wings or something like that. No, I don't think so. But in Baltimore, it's different. People do not dress up around here. But in D.C., I think people might not like it. Right. Yeah, you're right about that.

You need to wear some clean jeans and a shirt tucked in that's pressed. But you know what's funny? Because a button-down with a zip-up hoodie on top is the new business cash. Yeah, that could look dope. And that's pretty much my day. That's how I dress every day Business cash And if I'm like

If I have to go to an important meeting I just take my hoodie off I wore a do-rag on my first date with my wife No you did not Where was your date? A Mexican restaurant Dude I did the classic shitty guy thing And she paid.

Woo! That's great, dude. You intimidated her. She was like, I'll pay. I was like, all right. I felt terrible. I went on a date with a girl, first date, and I ordered one drink. She ordered a meal and two drinks.

And then when the bill came, she was like, ah, I don't have my wallet on me. And I was like, all right, I'll pay. It's fine. Because I don't believe in paying on first dates. I'm fine with splitting. And I got a second date, and she paid. It was great. Okay, that's cool.

There you go. And it got hooked up. Maybe that's her thing, just to see how you'll react. Yeah. I mean. That woman, Hillary Rod you go. And it got hooked up. Maybe that's her thing just to see how you'll react. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. That woman, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Pretty impressive. She was nice.

But, yeah, it was. I don't think there's anything wrong with the girl. Like, did she offer to pay? I can't remember. Damn. Does she ever give you shit for it now? No. Okay.

All right. Next question is when this is oh shit uh no one is gonna oh well i think he's wrong but he said no one is gonna tell covet jokes after this but what's one you thought of um i think people are definitely gonna tell covet COVID jokes. I think that's going to be the problem. Honestly, man, this person could be right, man. I don't know. You think so? Yeah.

People are going to try. What are you, nuts? No one's going to try one? I think everyone's going to tell COVID jokes. I haven't written a COVID joke, man. I haven't either. I mean, online. Yeah, I have a couple.

I've gained the covet 19 this is like have you not seen that done yeah 19 million times already look covet 19 million times i mean i have like i have like delete that off my timeline i have like a hold on one sec i i don't know you don't think like because here's what i think is going to happen i think i think whoever any host they're gonna be like man covid that was crazy what'd you guys do oh i did this who had it i you know all that kind of stuff yeah and then i bet you like all the comics waiting to go on they're gonna be like oh fuck i guess i can't do my covid stuff. And then they're going to just have to cut it. But you can't go on stage and not mention it.

Yeah, and it'll be like a crowd work thing too. Like, oh, these two, huh? Wow, what was a quarantine like with this couple? Somebody was just social distancing, all that type of shit. I wonder if headliners will ask comics not to like host because that can be a problem with like because dude this is probably like name another shared experience like this where like yeah what are you talking about but there's a lot of 9-11 jokes right and then so yeah but this is even this is way different because this has gone on for so much longer.

I think people are sick of it, man. Like, I don't, I won't, if I address it, I'll go, I'm not fucking talking about it, man. Yeah. It's, it's like Trump jokes too. Like after a while it's like, oh yeah, I don't want to hear about that guy. Like you better have a really good Trump joke. Cause even if you're against him you're like all right i forgot that guy even was a thing and now i have to think about it and yeah it just creates attention

fast because hey when we go right you see and do these showcase shows dude and you go on seven they're all gonna have them yeah dude it's like really it's gonna be six comics all doing covet jokes it's like i don't i'm not i don't want to do them, man. Yeah, that's true. It's just, I don't know. Yeah, I don't. Hey, six feet away. I had an idea of like, because I was thinking about how I hate being bald thing today while I was on a walk. And I was thinking like, if I went out and like, let's say like Gin and J, the next gin and jokes, if that ever happens again.

And I, the first gin and jokes ever back after this, the first thing I do on stage is I just start complaining about how much being bald sucks. I think that would be so funny that I'm complaining about something so trivial after this insane thing just happened. All right. You're right, man. It could also throw people. What. No, I won't be. You're right, man. It could also throw people. What? Oh, I thought the silence. I was like, oh, I guess it's not funny. It's not.

But I did have a. That is weird. Oh, go ahead. That's weird. Yeah, what? It's like you have to address it, man. You do. It has to be addressed.

But I thought the way i would do it if i'm the first comic i'm like oh yeah covid whatever but like guys being bald fucking and then you just go into a bunch of bald jokes yeah and then i go into a bunch of other jokes when i'm insecure about this and that and then i just segue back into my normal act i think you can do it are you ready for some covid jokes huh yeah yeah yeah yeah well i gained the covid 19 but i lost all my hair everybody's in the back like fuck i gotta i gotta drop that bit i had that same bit yeah damn so i know there's gonna be some really good ones out there but i just really haven't seen of course seen any well i have a oh go ahead no my bad i had a joke

i'll give the premise not the joke because i don't know what the joke is yet but uh i'll write it for you i'll tell i i think i told chris this it's like the day after the shutdown was the day the shutdown was announced i went grocery shopping for my parents because they're both diabetic they're older my mom's overweight jesus christ sounds like i'm roasting them but uh yeah look at this they're in an at-risk category so i was like i'll go shopping for you guys and i was like give me a list what do you guys need i'll buy you like uh like you know hopefully like almost a month's worth of groceries and uh and so i was like dad what kind of rice do you want my dad's like it, it's fine. I'm going to go to the Indian store after work.

I was like, Dad, you can't. And I was like, Dad, just tell me the rice you want. And he's like, Umar, you don't know good rice. And it's just like that's so funny to me that, like, my dad went to the Indian just because he needs the perfect rice. It's like, Dad, you grew up in a third-world country. Like, have you forgot like you forgot the sacrifice like you can't just go a month without eating the rice that's like the perfect rice for

you it comes back with like some like some shitty rice it's like you went to the indian store to get this yeah you don't know uncle you don't know good right yeah You don't know Good Rice. It's so funny because I need to post. He sent it to me over text, I think. It's so funny. You don't know Good Rice. That's such a parent thing, too. You don't know.

My dad would do that. You don't know what good meat is. I'll get that myself. You don't know how to pick out good corn. Yeah. All right. Should we wrap up? Oh, let's get. Yeah.

It sounded like a helicopter. I'm guessing a helicopter. Yeah. Ghetto bird. I got to wrap up because I can meet Karen. I have to go walk. Racist. Yeah.

I want to go for a run, too. Are you shirtless or what? Oh, yeah. He does got let's talk about what is that like it's great feels really good and i bring people like damn like uh yeah most of them you know guys oh guys yeah and running it's it's trouble too because there's so much uh seed that they're spilling as i run by you know because they're all so it's slippery that's not good for my knees almost like devil dare it's like just gobs of shit squirting yeah yeah i'm just going right the whole time trying to jump over stuff

yeah it's it's a mess oh uh real quick uh we did trivia last night like a zoom trivia thing and it was adult themed speaking of uh of cum and they're like what's the record for the furthest distance of uh male ejaculate hold on hold on can we guess a jackalette yeah yeah you know what i'm talking about then right ejaculate yeah yeah yeah jb are we good are we guessing in inches or feet? It's up to you It's up to me Yeah, either or I'm going to say three feet

No, no, no, let me go longer I'll say like ten Seventeen feet And the answer was The answer was twenty-five feet Holy shit And now I'm thinking like That guy has like killed people, right?

Like, if you jizz in somebody's mouth that could go 25 feet, they're dead, right? That's going, like, through the back. He's got some great, vast deference, I'll tell you that. Holy shit. Yeah. Woo. How do you get into that? But also, yeah, who's judging it?

Also, like, the guy at Guinness drew the short straw. Like, all right, Brad, you're going to judge the world's biggest boobs. Jeff, you got a two longest cum. Longest cum. Yeah. It's like guys standing out in the field and when it lands, they put a little post up next to it and people clap. Yeah.

How do you get a low 25 feet? God, that's tight. Imagine the guy that shot it 24 feet. He's like, I'm going to get it this year. I'm winning. And then a guy jizzes 25. You know, I always wonder. Do you want it to align?

Yeah. Do you think. Yeah, I have a fan behind you. Do you think women get impressed if your load is bigger? All right, shit. All right, we got to go. I got to walk up to the app with karen i like that you have to wrap up on that one yeah all right that's such a i'm gonna leave

fuck that sit there dude let's do no because we gotta go walk up to she has to we have to go to the store before it closes all right i'll see you in a while we've been all right uh yeah we've been potting for a minute oh chris you have your new youtube show you want to check it out every tuesday on uh youtube it's called he got answers it's a live show it's a ask me anything advice Yeah, we've been potting for a minute. Oh, Chris, you have your new YouTube show. You want to plug that? Yeah, check it out every Tuesday on YouTube. It's called He Got Answers. It's a live show. It's an ask me anything advice show. So please check it out.

You can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at ChrisAllenComedy, A-L-A-N. Thank you guys for having me. We don't want Umar to get in trouble. He's getting cut by his girlfriend, as usual. As usual. All right, yeah, follow me at Josh Caderno on social media. Umar, you're on there as well. Yeah, you'll find me.

It doesn't matter. Umar Khan, 821. There you go. Thank you. All right, guys. Let's get out of here. Bye. Thank you for listening.

Hey, and one more thing. All right. Bye. David Koechner, take us out. Bye-bye. See you guys. We'll see you next time.