The Digression Sessions - Ep. 321 - Backyard Sessions 3

Episode Date: July 22, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are back together but podding from a distance in Umar's backyard to talk throw up stories and more, but not like much more. Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE The Pod - @DigSeshPod on Twitter The Pod's Facebook page - Dig Sesh on Facebook Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

cop come here hi cop cop no come cop come here all right we are uh we're we're podcasting we're live from the backyard it is me josh kaderna and umar Khan. What's up? And we got Cobb the dog floating around. Ooh, Cobby. We might get poured on. Yeah, it's pretty fucking hot out. We got some cloud cover rolling in, but I think we're going to try to persevere. We are going to make it happen. Yes.

It's so hard doing podcasts. It's like, why? I mean, what have you been up to so much exactly and that's like the thing like i stopped listening to comedy podcasts for the most part because i'm like this is ridiculous at this point yeah i mean nobody's really doing anything no one's doing any goddamn thing so like comedy podcasts all relies on like conversations of like i guess like if there's current event ones but it's been uh listen been boring i tell you we're just setting the bar low that's all because we're about to crush for an hour of that current current events umar was watering plants i watered plants yes end of list But let me tell you. Boy, is that soil

wet. I went for a run. Pretty much, if I go for a run when it's this hot. Yeah. I got up and I like I had to like, you know, I had to walk Cobb because Karen's gone and she's dead and so she

died. Sorry, Cobb almost knocked my beer over. Damn, Cobb. Come on, Cobb. Party foul, bro. uh so she died sorry cob almost knocked my beer over damn cob come on cob party foul bro uh yeah so she went to south carolina oh yeah on a carousel south carolina which i read a fun fact i think cob wants to go inside if you are in a group of 50 people you're a hundred percent you have a hundred percent chance of contracting it oh but i think that's if you're a hundred percent you have a hundred percent chance of contracting it oh but i think that's if you're inside oh yeah yeah yeah um yeah it seems like outside's pretty pretty good not great right um but that's only if people are like wearing masks and really keeping their distance and stuff yeah and they did a mask order where uh you have to wear a mask if you're outside where they are oh good yeah that's all it's still uh i was supposed to go and i was like you know what

do i want to risk getting covid to hang out with four old people in a house yeah one guy who has cancer or yeah where you could like awkwardly have sex in the house too yeah i don't think we would i don't think i could it'd be fucking weird yeah i mean her brothers are there well her one brother went and uh he drove up there so it's like a five hour drive from georgia with her parents and the next day he was like this sucks sucks. I'm going home. And he bought a flight home. Jesus. He's that bad. He's like, yeah, I'm out of here. He's also just not like a, I think he's going through some shit probably because he's not a people person.

Gotcha. Gotcha. Well, I. Yeah, you got fucked up. Where? Oh, right here on my leg. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, yeah, I've been swimming in the river with some rocks.

And, you know, that's just a part of it. Being in the river, being a man. You know, occasionally you just trip on a rock. And it's all good. That's nature, though. Yeah. No, but look at my fucking arm right here. What happened?

Look at this bruise. Did you fall? No, I don't know how I did that. But I was doing some other manly shit. I was shooting some guns. Ooh. Yeah, I do a little skeet shooting on the Eastern Shore. Nice.

Yeah, I'm one of those guys that's like, we got to open the country up. You know what I mean? No masks. Yeah, I don't think so. Well, Trump's a mask guy now, so. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I like that he wore it once. He's like, I've always been a mask guy. Yeah, favorite president.

But yeah, dude, we went to the eastern shore for my buddy ryan's uh birthday and he likes skeet shooting and i was like yeah i'll try that and it is fucking hard and also uh uh spoiler alert 12 gauge shotguns pretty big yeah i have a bruise kind of like right here on my chest where it meets my shoulder too. Like I literally think I'm just, I'm just like, do you have any like big boy guns? I don't need the man one, but like, do they make 12 gauges smaller? Um, but yeah, it was beautiful on the Eastern shore on Saturday. It was so hot.

Um, I've like, I've gone, I've shot guns before, but never a moving target. Yeah. Uh, I was able to hit i think uh two of like 20 so no big deal no big deal but uh yeah it is fucking what i mean the thing is so fucking big yeah and so like you're supposed to just put it on your chest i think like the uh the butt of it but i kind of had it like nestled like in where my shoulder was and like literally the last four uh spots because you work you do like a whole sort of like a course um so like the last four or five of them i was like you know fellas i'm just gonna sit this one out it's so funny

i don't want to just keep doing it and be like just have this massive bruise on my chest and also i'm missing everything yeah that was the same like yeah it's when you're so bad at something you're like i'm just gonna hang yeah i was cool with it i was totally just yeah but it was also like i think if it didn't hurt as bad i'd be like sure right i get that way with bowling i'm like i get bored and i'm so bad at it i'm like i'm just gonna sit here and drink i'll hang out yeah and uh hang out. And when we did the shows at Topgolf, I was so bad at hitting the golf balls. I was just like, yeah, you know what?

They're like, who marked your turn? I'm like, I'm good. I don't care. Yeah. Like, it's free. I'm like, I don't care. It's fine. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it was cool. It was fun to do. And then, of course, people like Ryan's like, yeah, I mean, the first time I went, I only had one thing. I'm like, yeah, of course. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So you guys went to a place. Yes. Did they give you some tips or training? Nope. Honestly, they didn't even look at our licenses. Oh, that's so cool. They might have looked at the one person that paid, but it was pretty much it was like okay do you need shells no all right do you want uh protective uh stuff for your ears like yeah sure and the rest is like all right have fun that's great and then

you're just out there shooting guns there's other people like behind it's like a golf course like you're just like you know we'll play through we'll go after you it's weird because it i mean i'm sure it depends like what part of the country you're in yeah uh like you know but it's okay so like with like getting carded for drinking that like never happens in baltimore it pretty much happens in every bar in dc either you get carded going in from a bouncer or they will card you at the bar bar oh i've been getting carded with my mask on. I'm like, thank you. Really? Where? Wine source, like twice now.

Oh, my God. I have never even seen them do that ever. I know. I'm like, fresh. Thank you very much. I'll be 34. That's so funny. I just want to give a shout out to Neutrogena's moisturizer,

the water-based one. Thank you. Yeah. But then one night, Karen and I, we went to this, not a bar, but it's this little, I don't know, event. And at the event, you just go in these businesses, and a lot of them have free booze. It was right down the street. And so we went to this place. these businesses and they a lot of them have like free booze it was right down the street and uh

so we like we went to this place it was kind of like at the end of the like it was like the night was winding down so we go to this place we get some beers we're just hanging out in this architecture like firm and you can walk around and look at their work yeah and this like girl who was probably like so the beer is free the wine and beer is free you just go and ask them they give you a can and this girl like who's probably like 21 was like uh excuse me um could i actually check your ids this was like five minutes after she gave us the beers and i did notice when she was handing us the beer she kind of had like some hesitation yeah but in the moment you're like what are you hesitating about bald i have a beard yeah uh and karen is 40 years old and you guys just look good right you guys yeah neutrogena as well and uh so i was like oh yeah here you go and then all of us it was a

group of five of us we all pulled out our ids karen's the only one who didn't have her id dude the girl took the beer from her wow so karen was she was like i'm she got so mad she's like umar i'm leaving i was like oh fuck it's not my fault you left your ID at home. But I also get it. I get it. But yeah, but what a crazy woman to obey the rules. But also, so then if that is true, that she's under 21, that makes you guys all super creeps because I'm sure everybody's age is over 30. So it's just like karen looks look karen looks young but she doesn't she doesn't look under 21 she doesn't look under 25

okay she doesn't look yeah she doesn't look a day over 39 not so good days yeah yeah i'd say 39 and a quarter yeah sure insane yeah We're just babysitting this bitch. What's going on? Right, yeah. It's like, oh, come on. We're going to try to get her all drunk. We're over 30 hanging out with a 19-year-old. That is a thing, too, like when you're, well, I never like, did you ever have a fake ID?

No. Yeah. And I guess like you don't need, like, did you ever like go and buy alcohol before you're 21? No, I always had older friends and then i also didn't it sounds weird to say like i didn't drink until later but i was like 17 or 18 yeah well i didn't drink at all but like until like yeah i was out of college but i was i'm thinking i'm like yeah i guess like all like when you go into like a college party and you're all like sophomore freshmen to juniors'm like, where was all this booze coming from?

Seniors, bro. You think so? Some of them are 21? Sure. Or had fakes? Oh, yeah. Or you know that one liquor store that doesn't card and doesn't care. Well, they're also just buying in bulk the worst stuff.

Yeah, Natty Light. Yeah, where it's like, yeah, I bought like 48 Natty Lights. We're good. You know, it's not like, oh, I went here. I got the six pack of this IPA. That's actually pretty good. I got a porter. That's the funniest part.

I got a really good vodka. It's called Pop Off. It's in a plastic bottle. And if we want to get crazy, I also have Burnett's. Dude, I, oh my God. Like, yeah, I remember like being at a party and some girls were drinking like lemon pink lemonade vodka out of like a plastic bottle oh dude i took a swig and it's like this is disgusting i mean they're from like harford county so it makes sense but

one of the first uh work parties actually the only one I ever went to where when I first got my job, the younger people were really nice. And this one chick, she was like, hey, me and my boyfriend have a party. And they lived in Fed Hill. And I didn't really know Baltimore or anything. And I was like, sure, I'll go over there. And I remember they were drinking bubble gum flavored vodka. It was like smearing off with a bubble yum partnership orflavored vodka. It was like Smearanoff with a bubble yum partnership or something like that. And then they were listening to Chingy and stuff.

And I was like, this is nice. This is not my scene. Wild. I remember, yeah, so because I didn't drink in college, I was like a straight edge. Were you like straight edge, straight edge? Or is that just uh leftovers of like your religious no i was an atheist from like the time i was like in

middle school okay and uh yeah i just like listened to like you know like all this dumb music like anti-flag and like were you bummed that your hands your hands are so hairy yeah yeah i incorporated my hair with the x you'd have to shave an x in your head yeah no but yeah i mean i i yeah it came from that whole thing and uh i mean none of my like i found then i found like a group of friends who didn't drink or smoke or anything right uh anyway but because i didn't do any of that in college i skipped all like the drinking shitty stuff yeah because when i started drinking i was like 21 i had a job so i well i guess i still was drinking like light beer but i love light beer now oh i still do yeah especially

on a christmas i don't think i've ever drank a natty Light ever. Oh, I've had a Natty Light or two, but that was like... Also, when I started drinking it, that's what beer was. It was like Bud Light, Natty Light. Yeah, because no one knew about micro... There was no such... I mean, there was, but you didn't really know. I remember my dad tried a Sierra Nevada while I was in high school or maybe like my first year community college and he was like this

is the most disgusting thing he's like that tastes terrible and it was just a pale ale yeah and so like that was like new back then so that's where yeah there would be dudes would be like i can drink fucking 40 bud lights and i don't even get drunk like that sounds gross i know also it tastes disgusting yeah so when i started i just went right to vodka. I was like, I'll just have a little bit of vodka. I would do a shot of vodka. Yeah. And then I would drink a Miller Lite. That was like my go-to.

Like I'm in like a small redneck town or something. Yeah. The vodka's funny. I mean, the Miller Lite's good, but yeah. Give me a shot of bubblegum vodka and a Miller Lite. Yeah. And I remember when you first started drinking like dude i remember the like oh but you know what's hilarious blue moon used to be like the fancy beer yeah remember

that well then you find out that's owned by like cores if you went to like a college party and you saw like a blue moon six pack you knew not to that was like someone's personal yeah yeah yeah be like because you could you know yeah you're like man i bet they bought their own orange for yeah yeah it's got an orange slice in it bro they're fucking they're classy which is funny Yeah, yeah. Be like, because you could, you know. Yeah, and you're like, man, I bet they bought their own orange for it and everything. Yeah, yeah. It's got an orange slice in it, bro. They're fucking, they're classy. Which is funny, because, like, I'm such a snob now. Like, my coworker, who's, like, 37 or something, she was, like, she sent me a picture of, like,

what she was drinking, and she was drinking a Blue Moon. I wanted to be like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, you have two children and you own a home. Yeah. You can make better choices. Yeah. You can buy a six pack of something for the same price and it's fine. And I remember bars used to be shitty and because it's a Belgian beer, but it's owned by Coors, right?

Yes. But it was considered imported and you would have to pay more yeah which is so funny like what imported from Colorado yeah and also like it's so funny too it's like man this is a really good beer it's like oh interesting the more sugar makes it more palatable yeah wow like oh okay that was the first beer I drank legally at a uh at a uh famous dave's barbecue oh hell yeah very much that's where i hung out uh yeah i think i think the first legal drink i got my friend rudy made he was a bartender at a spot on ken island and he's like what do you want and i just ordered the fruitiest thing i could think of i was like an appletini please and so that was yeah

that's another thing like you do i remember when i went to a bar and i was like i don't want to drink beer and all i remember is from movies and tv shows people saying gin and tonics oh yeah so i just like i was like i was like i it was like you know one gin and one tonic please it's like i felt like i was like uh uh a bunch of kids like in a in a in a like a trench in a trench coat stacked up on top of each other pretending to be like wavering from side to side yeah i'm like gin and tonic one alcohols please and i drank those forever because i didn't know what else to do and i just like i was like yeah i'm a gin guy yeah like what kind do you like you're like gin i'm into gin and then like because i didn't want to

drink beer i got in i was just like ah maybe i'll drink wine yeah and i found these uh like little cartons of wine there and they like it's a whole bottle of wine in these cartons that look like milk cartons or the twist top yeah the screw top yeah the little plastic and i would just carry those at parties. I thought it was so cool. So unbranded. So stupid. Yeah, you're knitting.

You're like, where's the pussy at tonight? But imagine, I don't drink wine ever anymore. Yeah, I can't really. It leaves a film in your mouth. It's disgusting. Also, wine, very sneaky, high alcohol content too. Bro, yeah, that's what made me puke the last time I puked. Oh, yeah. Because I finished my night with wine.

It was not great. Bad decision. That is funny. It's like, yeah, we did a bottle of wine. That's like 13%. Yeah. Also, who the fuck is bringing wine to just like a... I mean, I guess we were all like day drinking and then Evan's girlfriend, Helen. Well well yeah she came late and she brought a bottle of wine yeah i'm like i'll take some

i certainly need it wine is like something you have like with dinner and you have like two glasses you don't get fucked up off you're not just like fuck it let's pour wine down a beer bowl yeah no i know it's not on her it's my fault she showed up late you're like what the fuck's your problem she's like i didn't know you i smashed the bottle she's like i didn't know you were fucking wasted oh dude i remember yeah i was like laying down and everyone's just probably like what the fuck's happening i had to i had to lay down and close my eyes the worst feeling moment. The worst feeling. That was one of the, like, speaking of, like, early drinking days where, like, I would, because I would just do vodka, and then I went to my neighbor's house, and we were playing

a drinking game. And I never did it. I just thought drinking games were so stupid. Oh, I always hate drinking games. I'm like, guys, we don't have to get the quarter in the fucking cup or whatever. Just drink. We don't have kings. Like, I fucking hate kings. So I think we were playing we were playing asshole or something like that yeah and it was just like

all right could earn a drink could earn a drink it'd be like vodka shot vodka shot and i got so drunk i was like 18 or 19 but i just remember that old louis ck joke where it was like from like his first half hour i think on comedy on Comedy Central. He sits on me. He's like, you ever get so drunk you have to hold on to the earth to keep from falling off of it? That's how I felt in the grass where the room was spinning, but I was outside. I was like, uh. Yeah. That's so funny, too, because it's also like when you're a kid, there's this weird pressure.

You don't want to let people down. Yeah. We also don't know what like let people down yeah like uh i also don't know what the fuck you're doing like i'll take a shot i'll do a shot well right but like people like hand you a shot and you're like all right fuck it but now like i remember someone tried to hand me a shot and me and cameron were like no and they're like come on we're all in and we're just like no we're good yeah and i'm like i'll sip it but i'm not doing a shot with you guys i might be able to like start with that and then have to level off from there. But yeah, if you're already wasted,

shots, like... No, but it's just... Why? Well, you're just going to ruin your day tomorrow. Yeah, what the fuck? If you are over... What's the age? What age should you stop doing shots?

I was never really a shot guy anyway. But there's been nights. And each night where i've done shots it's never went well yeah i don't know i've been all right with them especially if they're like um easy ones and it has to just be one but like a total pussy one of like a lemon drop for everybody and you're like fine yeah it's just like candy it's funny like i uh one of the like when i first started, we all went out. I think I had graduated, but I was hanging out with people who were still in college.

We went out to Ellicott City. And I had done probably several shots. And I was drinking beer. And I remember thinking like there was like I remember thinking like because it was like a group of who knew that when they had met me, I wasn't drinking. And now I'm drinking. And they're kind of like, oh, Umar's drinking now. Here we go. So I'm trying to be like, fuck you guys.

I can hang. So cut to me. We're in the middle of the bar. And I'm just puking in the middle of everyone. Oh, no. Into a trash can i showed you yeah like into a trap in a in the middle of this whole group of people and then um and then i had to go into the bathroom and i just remember thank god it was a single person bathroom. I was laying down, just holding the toilet and puking. And then someone knocked.

It was like an older lady. And she was like, oh, honey, are you puking? She's like, trying to poop. Oh, my God, come here. It's going to be okay. And then she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek after I got done puking. Just a random older. Oh, my God.

Probably like her 40s like god you must have looked so bad it's like a hurt animal she's like yeah i was probably wearing like a polo like an american eagle polo that has puke on it like those like boot cut jeans with like slip-on shoes that were like a huge thing when i was in college oh yeah yeah yeah oh i probably look like it's such a dork. Yeah. And she's like, oh, poor baby. And then my buddy had to drive my car home or drive me. I couldn't go home because I was living with my parents.

And I was like, dude, I can't go home. Like, I'm fucked up. Yeah. And so Fish was so nice. He drove my car to UMBC. I stayed with the buddy real quick fish is one of the sweetest guys but when you tell that story it just sounds like such a bro thing oh yeah that's true then fish came through and he's the fucking man i love fish dude yeah hell yeah yeah he swam upstream for me he always would yeah he no yeah he So I just remember like I slept in like a dorm room on like a shitty futon.

Yeah. And then this is before Uber or anything. So Fish had parked his car at my parents' house. So he took me to UMBC, then drove my car back to my parents' house. Damn. And then, yeah, like then he uh he stayed there or no he took his car and drove home right so the next day i had to like start calling people like my friends i'm like uh and then like luckily like literally the first person i called he's like oh yeah man

i'm on my way out anyway oh nice but like i just it's just so crazy like thinking of like now living in a world without uber oh yeah it would have sucked like i would have to walk home well how easy you could just get stuck too or if your friends left you there like fuck yeah and then you're like all right we'll get a cab i'll wait an hour and then it'll cost me, I don't know, a hundred bucks to get back to school or wherever. Well, Fish also, when we were at the bar and he was like, oh, this is bad. Like, I'm gonna go ask for like a, like a bag or something from the bar. And so he didn't, cause we didn't know that like, if you tell bartenders you're puking, they're going to kick you out. So he just goes to the bar.

Yeah, they want to keep you around. And he's like, hey, yeah, my friend's like throwing up upstairs. Do you have like a bag or something? Also a wet nap. Yeah. And they're like, what? No, he's got to the bar. Yeah, they want to keep you around. And he's like, hey, yeah, my friend's like throwing up upstairs. Do you have like a bag or something? Also a wet nap. Yeah, and they're like, what? No, he's got to fucking go. And so they started coming upstairs and Fish runs up. He's like, dude, we got to go.

And so we run down the other side of the steps. And they're like, oh, yeah, hang out in our establishment. Yeah, no, just puke wherever you want. Good luck with the bag. If you don't make it in the bag, that's fine. Yeah. Do you guys want any chicken tenders or anything? Yeah. I puked in the middle of uh power plant live before so it's stubbed dude i stubbed my toe and my whole pinky toenail fell off like in one swoop

so i get for wearing flip-flops like a bro oh yeah gross that took months and months to heal yeah yeah dude it's a grown back oh yeah yeah yeah and then i had to go to work the next morning at i had to wake up at 5 30 this is when you were a foot model too yeah this was double yeah it was a bummer yeah no i worked at a gym and uh i told the man this is also when you're like a kid and you're just so scared to call out of work. Yeah. Because you think, that's what's so crazy. It's like the more important your job is, the higher your degree is. It's so chill just to call out of work.

Yeah. I remember Jamel Johnson had a bit that he had about that where he's like, yeah, essentially you're earning that right to do that. Yeah. He's like, yeah, you can't show up to your server job and be like i just kind of need a me day they're like cool you're fired yeah yes dude i remember yeah or like they'll stop scheduling you you know they'll like they'll be like all right take you off the good shifts yeah and it's just like crazy like so i remember like always just being so petrified of like calling in sick coming in late like i just would i'm like fuck it i'm sick i'm going to work yeah and uh i got no uh pinky now because what they would say to you because it's like if you're not like salaried or if you like work in like retail or

server like you have to get someone to cover your shit like i was a lifeguard i remember i had the flu and i had to call someone to cover my shit yeah and then one time i called and i was a lifeguard i remember i had the flu and i had to call someone to cover my shit yeah and then one time i called and i was so sick and i was like my parents like just fucking tell them you're not going and it's their job to find someone right and so i told them and they were like what if you just went in from like 12 to 4 and i fucking did it and just waited for them to send somebody to like you're just just sick as fuck up on the lifeguard chair. Like, all right, I'll get you. I remember, speaking of college days, at UMBC, I think it was the night.

Yeah. Hmm. It was like a Sunday night or something like that where I just got too drunk. Yeah. So college was also just different in the way that there's just alcohol everywhere, like we're saying. I would be around stuff, but then be like, a Sunday night? Be like, I mean, I guess I'm going to go back to my dorm. Because if you lived at home, it was like, well, Sunday, I got to go home to my parents.

And now it's like, no, I just go to my dorm with my weird roommate who doesn't put sheets on his bed, which is fucking weird. And he never did. Wow. That mattress was there since the 70s. Now, was this like a... What was the ethnicity, the race? It was a fella, young fella, young African-American fella. Okay.

So maybe it's a cultural... They hate sheets. Oh, yeah. Well, you know know they got a bad history with sheets yeah it's like i have some white sheets he freaked out and now i'm like okay i get it yeah chris allen from the pot he doesn't even go to sheets the gas station i get it i get it um yeah but so and then i think i had like a monday 8.m. class and it was, it was a European history class and I was so hungover. It was like 8 or 8.15.

Yeah. And the class then happened to be on like what life was like, I think, for the lower class in England. And it was like, they drank beer. They actually drank a lot of beer. Beer, beer, beer. And I was like, uh-huh. And like and like i was like of all things to talk about and i remember having to like get up out of the lecture hall and like you know the thing where it's like in your head where you're like holy shit this is so bad so bad but you just want to be like okay maintain it's all right yeah i'm just

gonna get to the end of the aisle and then we're gonna get to the door but the whole time i'm just like don't puke don't puke you're absolutely gonna puke and then i made it to the bathroom where i could puke but still yeah i just remember like all the things to talk about it's like they love beer there's so much beer yeah it's like the last thing you want to hear about when you're hung over first thing in the morning is god are you a quiet puker uh i don't i think it depends i am like the like who is a quiet puker some people are some people really go for it my buddy zach pukes so hard once a blood vessel in his eye burst something similar happened but i the so when i puke like a couple months ago i lost my voice for like two and a half days like i I puke so, like so loud.

Like Karen was like, Karen started cracking. Yeah, no, like seriously. And like Karen said, like, dude, I just started cracking up because she was like, oh my God, like literally our neighbors are hearing this. Man, if your life was any different, if you were throwing up in that bar at like the Phoenix or wherever it was, instead of that woman, if was just some metal guy he's like oh my do you want to be the singer in our band like he's good yeah i'm always hammered too when i'm performing yeah uh no so yeah i had to go to work to the at the gym after i stubbed my toe and blah blah blah

and i'm oh right my parents yeah i told my man because I couldn't call I was too scared to call out and so it was like too late because I worked a shift where I had to be at the gym at 645 it's a 30 minute drive so like you know I had to wake up early and that's what sucked like I did this for like two or

three years where like every Saturday morning so at Friday night at like 10 o'clock, you're just like, no matter what you're doing, you're just like, fuck, like I gotta be up,

but you're still out. Cause you're young. You're like, I'm in my twenties, but it's just like, yeah, you're like, oh fuck dude,

you got, you're going to be, you have to wake up in seven hours. And then you're like, you gotta wake up in six hours. Like, and you just do that every Friday. Oh,

you do the math. Yeah, you're doing the math. It's worse too, cause you're like, all right, well, if I get home home like if i got home right now i would get five hours and 45 minutes of sleep but you're also not gonna fall asleep right when you get home and all that yeah and so all that shit like would would happen it sucked so i couldn't find anyone to cover my shift because it was way too late like i'm gonna call someone at like 4 30 in the morning yeah and i was so hung over i don't

even know how i drove there yeah i drove there and i just remember telling my manners like hey can i like go home like i and because i never did this i this was like my first time i was like look i never do this like i'm so hung over oh you told. Yeah, because we work at a gym, and we're all young-ish. People party at the gym. Yeah, we party. I don't know. I would have led with, I just don't feel well, my stomach. Also, not to knock jobs right now, because I know everyone's essential or whatever.

There we go. If you say one bad word about the heroes that work at gyms. You're a manager at a gym. It's like, you're not killing it. I'm not killing it. Like, we're fine. You're bad at this. Yeah.

That's where you're like, look, I'm hungover. And not to take anything away from you, but you're kind of fucking up. Yeah. Can you cut me some slack? Yeah. Like, what you're doing right now, like, see, I'm working towards something. You messed that up. I just love that.

Yeah. You're like, so cut me a break. Yeah. Come on. I'm the future of this country. You're done. Yeah. Yeah.

You wasted yours. They're like, man. Don't lord your power over me. Just let me go home. You're very limited power in this circumstance. Yeah. They're like, actually, that's a pretty cool perspective. It's also crazy.

I do suck. yeah and they're like actually that's a pretty cool perspective it's also crazy because like i could have just so easily quit and found another job that you're making eight dollars an hour or whatever the fuck i was making yeah i remember that too because i've only had i've literally had three jobs my entire life whoa yeah so i worked at i worked at Lido's from like 12 or 13 to 17. And then Paper Moon from 18 or 19 to like 23 or 24. And then SSA. Damn. But I remember at Lido's and Paper Moon when people would just call out. Or like people would be like, I remember one dude showed up once once and he was supposed to work the shift didn't show up we had a 6 p.m so my shifts

uh were like the opposite where it would be fridays and saturdays 6 p.m to 4 a.m so i'd always be like okay if i get out of work now then i can probably go to bed but but so it wouldn't be like getting up early and then people would also be like hey we're doing this party on friday or saturday i'm like cool you guys gonna be like, hey, we're doing this party on Friday or Saturday. I'm like, cool. You guys going to be up at 430? They're like, probably not. Like, great.

Damn, that sucks. So, yeah. Because you're like a, that's like when you. Yeah. Yeah. But it was such good money too. Yeah. Oh, especially back then when Paper Moon was like real lit.

Oh, yeah. So it was 24 hours. And then. It goes at 10 now. That's crazy. Yeah. I was there when they switched to like 2 a.m i think but uh um but also everybody pulls tips so it's the first job ever worked as a line cook and my second job but uh working as a line cook where you got tips so you'd walk out of there on a friday or saturday with at least 125 bucks damn uh so yeah so you're getting like 250 for two shifts and then in college that was incredible yeah um but yeah i remember so then we'd have

shifts where it's like okay i'm working six to four and then it would be crazy busy like 2 a.m when the bars let out so sometimes they would have somebody else come in from like 10 to 2 a.m or 10 to 4 or something like that and the dude that was supposed to show up at 10 did not you know it's like fuck and we were so busy and i remember just looking at the clock i'm like all right well at least chad's gonna be here chad's gonna be here and then he doesn't show up and then like an hour later like chad's in the parking lot throwing up and i'm like get we'll get him in here what are we? And then he didn't lose his job. He just showed up hammered?

Well, and not even to work. He was just like, oh, we're popping in for a second. I'm like, you're supposed to be on the line. But yeah, I didn't get fired. And he's still a good dude. I like him a lot. But it is that same thing where it's like, okay, this isn't my forever job. But you don't think that way, and you're nervous.

It's so stupid. But I'm'm like the balls to do that also paper moon the menu there was insane and so i remember looking at the uh because i was also vegetarian at the time so i was like oh so i'll work here i'll be able to get like cheaper food that'll be cool and i'll make money and i remember taking it so seriously looking at the website where it said, like, if you want to apply, you have to do it in person between 6 a.m. and, like, 8 a.m. or something like that. It was, like, a very limited window, like, super early in the morning, and I went in, and I was like,

hi, I'd like to apply for the job. They're like, all right, well, here's this. Fill out the application, and then come back. You have to do a test. You have to figure out the whole menu, and, like, if you don't't pass that test you're not going to get a joke like oh my goodness oh yeah that's so you had so and it would be like okay what okay this is the birdhouse sandwich what are all the ingredients in it and then so you'd have to learn like breakfast lunch dinner

the entire thing damn before you even start how long did you have to memorize it i think like a day or two what something whole menu something like that? I think like a day or two. What? A whole menu? Something like that. Maybe it was a week. Because a diner menu is huge. Yeah, it's a ton of shit. So I was taking it so seriously.

And then I took the test and it went well. And the owner, her name's Un, and she has kind of a gruff voice. She's like, yeah, it was good. It was pretty good. And I was like, oh, well, thank you. And then I was so nervous to have the job. And then like, yeah, it was good. It was pretty good. And I was like, oh, well, thank you. And then like I was so nervous to have the job. And then like because I was also like I'm in Baltimore and these are like cool people, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then come to find out they'll hire anybody. I just remember they're just like, are you addicted to heroin? Can you start today? He's like, yeah, whatever. I'm like, God damn it. And I took it so seriously. Yeah. I mean, I did great at that job, but I just remember it was just so funny because, like, you know, I'm just like, it's a job.

But, you know, it's a line cook job at a 24-hour diner. Yeah. Also, like, the, like, yeah, that's what's so funny. Like, I remember thinking, like, yeah, you got to, like, you got to dress nice. You got to say these things and blah, blah, blah. Yes, sir. And then you look back and you're like, oh, the people who like make these decisions also like aren't,

like they don't, they just want to make sure you're cool and you're not like stupid as fuck. Exactly. Yeah. Like the manager, Jason, he was like, can you flip an omelet? And I was like, yeah. And I showed him, he was like, that really war omelet and i was like yeah and i showed him he was like that really warms my heart you're gonna do great and that's like all he needed you know

like they just want to know that you can do the job and that you're not nuts yeah that's it but you're like oh i have to be really good at this i have to be the best cold side cook ever yeah yeah yeah but they're like you're not drunk you're not actively on heroin you're incredible you're probably the employee of the month. Yeah. I, yeah. So when I was, oh, dude. Yeah.

Anyway, so I'm at the gym. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, hey, can I please go home like early? Like, I cannot, like, I'm really drunk and like, I do not feel drunk or like no hungover. I'm super wasted. Look, there's meth in my pocket. I'm going to be honest. I shot heroin in the parking lot.

And, like, my job, when you look back on it, I'm like, why do you need me? Like, there's always, like, two people at the desk. It's just to make his job easier. That's all. All I do is swipe cards. Yeah. I don't even know why I have a job. That dude didn't want to swipe cards.

My job is to literally say hi to people take their membership card swipe it for them yeah and then hand them a fucking towel sometimes yeah that dude oh full towels that dude just didn't want to do that stuff and so she was like or her we'll see uh and i was like cool. So I'm like maintaining. And I never had a, this was my first hangover, you know? And I, you know, I didn't read, there's no books on what to do. So I remember I. There wasn't the Zach Galifianakis vehicle? Yeah.

You had no idea. I went to like the breakfast spot that was like across the street. And I got like a bacon egg cheese bagel because I was just craving that. And I got a Gatorade. Gatorade was a mistake. So much sugar in Gatorade. It's a mistake. Yeah.

Like because someone told me like, dude, you got to get those electrolytes in you. You know, like some stupid older guy who like thinks he's cool because he knows it's a cure for a hangover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just look back and I'm like, oh, you live with your parents also and you're almost twice my age. almost twice he's like what you gotta do is tell your mom to buy pickles and gatorade bro god the characters who worked at that place my god anyway so my god i'm folding a towel and i'm like oh shit i am gonna fucking puke and there i can't puke in front of the members and so i just run into the back where the laundry machines are bro i just start puking in this trash can that's back there but again i thought you're gonna say you like puked in like a washer dryer that would be hilarious

just spinning around but again i puke so. And so I'm just in the back. Trying to cover it up like you're working out. Like, ah, one. Yeah. I'm just like puking my brains out. Like, just screaming, puking. And like, everyone can hear me. Like, everyone who's at the front desk and who's like coming in, like members, like everyone heard me.

And the manager just comes back. She's like, just go home. And I'm like, I tried to tell you. Right, right. And so I'm driving home. It's a 30-minute drive home. I'm only making like, I don't know if this is worth a 30-minute drive to make $8 an hour. It's like I make 45 bucks a

shift because you work like five hour shifts or something yeah yeah minus god my paychecks would be like nothing sure and uh i had that same feeling like oh shit i'm gonna puke i'm on like 29 yeah and for some reason i never have shit in my car there was a fucking grocery bag in my car and i'm like puking and driving at the same time and i'm just like yeah yeah i was like i'll never drink it again i'm 21 yeah yeah cut to two weeks later you're like hell yeah i'll do shots yeah um also my parents have no reference of like what a hangover is so we they always just think we're sick like we're like you have like a stomach ache yeah like two thanksgivings ago my brother like he went out the night before and he got fucked up and but he was the one who's gonna

make all like the turkey and most of the food yeah do it at my parents house yeah the night before thanksgiving stuff and my mom called me she's like umar right he was really sick and i think he has like the flu or something can you help him and i just remember i just started laughing when i hung up and i was like i told karen i was like oh yeah he's just so hung over a hundred percent yeah yeah he just drank way too much so hung over yeah that's my parents are so worried it's such a shitty feeling to waking up and like i have to cook all that shit like yeah like when i was hung over my parents like make appointment with the doctor i'll take you i'm like i just need to lay down guys and i need you to shut the fuck up oh they're like my poor baby yeah that's literally what it is it's hilarious we need

to get him a bacon egg and cheese yeah quick uh Yeah. Quick. I only threw up driving once, but it wasn't from food. It was from food poisoning. Oh, yeah. That was a gnarly story. That was gross. Weren't you also shitting? Oh, yeah. That's where I sharted for the first time.

Because I think what it was was peanuts from the vending machine at work. Weird. I think that's what it was i'm not positive but that was like the only random thing that i ate that day yeah um yeah so i was yeah i had a at an improv show in dc and i remember like leaving work so i was gonna go straight from work to d to the show and those were the days. Oh,

I tell you. Yeah. Bringing a different change of clothes. What a time. God, I miss it. It was really fun. It was really nice.

Like to earn your lazy to, to be like, I went to work. I went to DC. I did Mike's. I'm gonna come home, eat pizza. Yeah.

But yeah, so I was, I was walking out and it's like, Oh, my stomach feels a little weird but it was just like uh whatever it's just like a little like like you're walking out from work yeah i'm leaving i'm leaving work headed to the parking lot and like my stomach feels a little queasy but i'm like ah maybe i just have to like take a shit later or something um and then i get

to like the outskirts of dc and it's that feeling we're talking about where i'm like oh i'm gonna throw up i'm absolutely gonna throw up and it's that feeling we're talking about where I'm like, Oh, I'm gonna throw up. I'm absolutely going to throw up. And it's like, it's where it takes you through where like, kind of like where silver spring is. I think it's like 16th street where you can take like all the way in and it's all these nice neighborhoods.

And I was like, I need to pull like my brains, like it's coming out. So like I pull over into this nice neighborhood and, um, I'm trying to look for a spot where I can like pull over. But there's a ton of cars. And I had my Tupperware from my lunch that day where I had like spaghetti or something.

So I threw up in that, which is awful, too, because you're smelling like tomato and stuff. So I threw up in that. It was like what we were talking about. I was like, ah. And I just like rolled the window down and tossed like not the whole thing kid riding his bike yeah like into a baby carriage it's getting pushed but yeah i just tossed the throw up and i was like whoa that was weird and i was hoping one of those things like oh i just i don't eat something weird but i got it out of me, whatever. And I was like, all right, I might be okay. And then I got to the venue, and the venue was so weird.

It was just like a bar in Adams Morgan, I think. But it was owned by some Eastern European family or something. And there's like a black box theater in the back, right? Maybe. I don't know. It's a Pete Bergen venue? Yeah. I did a stand-up show for him one time. Maybe. I didn't know. The Pete Bergen venue? Yeah. I did a stand-up show with for him one time.

Maybe. I didn't make it to the back. We were performing up front. Oh, okay. And also, I was so fucked up, too. That sounds like a nightmare. Yeah. And I was like, all right, if I can't find a parking spot, I'm just going to text them

and be like, I don't feel great. There happened to be a spot right in front. Which never happens. And I was like, all right. At Adam's Morgan? Yeah, exactly. At like 8 p.m and i was god or 7 30 or whatever it was and i was like all right the universe fine i'll try it and then i go in and there's like weird eastern europe like flat screen tvs playing like it's like not

even music videos but it's videos of like clubs or something i'm just like right dancing and like this is a lot and i don't feel great i think i even texted pete of like i don't really feel good and he's like oh it's all right you know just do what you got to do i was like yeah i think i'll be okay and then i was like uh where's the bathroom then i went to go to the bathroom the bathroom has no toilet seat on it it's just like it's just the porcelain part of it and it's really gross and i was like had to throw up and my stomach felt really gross so i had to like lean throw up over and i was like guys i just fucking puked in that thing i gotta get out of here they're like please yeah go and uh it was also going to be it was it was supposed to be a mash-up show so it was

stand-up and improv but it was in like this dingy bar. And I was like, I'm not going to fucking make it here. So, yeah, please go. And then I get in my car, and I'm trying to get out of Adams Morgan. And I think I'm going down U Street or something. And people are just partying like crazy. And at this point, I'm puking again. And I'm puking so much that tears are coming out of my eyes. And it's so funny because it's so busy. Are you still puking into that that like tears are coming out of my eyes and it's so funny because it's so busy

are you still puking into that container yeah yeah puking into the spaghetti yeah puking into that there's people in the crowd like people like disclaimer on this episode like do not listen while you're eating oh yeah if you're hung over anything yeah don't listen to this first thing in the morning yeah um and i just remember like people like they're having like they're dressed nice out for like a night on the town but it's like club and stuff and so i'm like cry puking and they're in the crosswalk i'm like you go ahead i don't want to block the box like just like jesus that is a long drive home dude so i finally got to 95 north and i felt and you still have a good 30 minutes but i was like i'm finally like out of like stop and go traffic and this shit like i'm finally on like major highway uh and yeah it's like a half hour but i'm gonna make it and and like i start to

feel better i still feel shitty but i feel like a release in my stomach right and i was like oh man i just have to fart that's gonna help that's gonna make me feel so much and relieve so much pressure go to fart it was not a fart absolutely sharted my pants and like you said another half hour to go and you're just driving and you're like all right i'll just sit in this god damn i remember i got back and i just felt so like i just threw my driving and you're like all right i'll just sit in this god damn i remember i got back and i just felt so like i just threw my pants and my bot like i think i threw my boxers away i was like fuck it i don't even care yeah it was like that thing you're talking about where you like hug the toilet and i was literally shitting and then throwing up at the same time yeah and i was like i was so cold i was shivering. I was shivering. I was like,

I felt like I was like coming down from like, like flu. It was food poisoning. It just went away after that night. It went away. It still kind of lingered

the next day. Same thing happened where I was like, I feel a lot better and I went to fart. I sharted again. I was like, God damn it.

Okay, feel me twice. Yeah, and I was on the couch too and I was like, eesh, gotta get rid of this one. That walk you have to do when you don't want anything to spill yeah where you're like kind of leaning up and you're like oh yeah it was it was pretty gross damn so that's like my word that was one of the worst ones but that wasn't from drinking thank god

but yeah it just felt i was like yeah i made it to 95 i'm free yeah dude you know what's funny like we have all these like stories of stories of, like, drinking, whatever. And, like, our stories are, like, I remember I was hanging out with Karen's friends. And so mild. Like, I mean. Oh, yeah. Her friends, her and her friends were, like. Oh, yeah.

I mean, like, criminals. It's insane. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, criminals. Like, we're so deep in. It doesn't matter. Oh, yeah. I mean, like, criminals. It's insane. Oh, really? Yeah, like, criminals. Like, we're so deep in, it doesn't matter. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, it was funny because, like, we're at our house.

You're like, Carl killed two people. Well, dude, just stuff like, oh, yeah, we drink and drive all the time. Yeah. And they're like, back then, it just wasn't. I mean, I kind of don't know. What are you going to do? But, like, I mean, like, they were just like, it wasn't a thing. Like, you're gonna do uh but like i mean like like they were just like it wasn't a thing like there you didn't really get like he was like yeah i remember okay this

i remember this so vivid well well one because it was like a month ago but you're like i was so just the irony because we had uh you know like it's funny, like, when we were there, like, I just start, like, I can't just have, like, normal conversations, I guess, with people. Yeah, you lead with death. Yeah. So, you know, I'm, like, dark or I'll say, like, whatever. Or I want to have, like, these, like, I want to, like, know, like, the fucked up things, like, people will do or think. Yeah. like the fucked up things like people will do or think yeah we all yeah i don't think we can just sit in like a quote-unquote normal conversation where it's like yeah it's hot it's been hot yeah

like i remember her uh her friend's mom was there and i was just talking to her friend's mom about like uh she was saying how like um she hasn't had like a boyfriend or anything since her husband left. I was like, you haven't fucked anybody? She's like, no, I don't need it. And I was like, what? And then so we got in this whole conversation about sex, and then did she talk to her kids about sex? And then Cameron's friend's like, I'm leaving.

And so she just went to go watch the kids play or something. Yeah, and then I was like, and then I fucked this chick. And then somehow the conversation, because this all happened when the George Floyd thing was pretty hot. And so we started talking about white privilege and systemic racism. And her friend's husband. You know who gets fucked over by the police? Yeah. Her friend's husband, who's a really cool dude dude, is like, does not believe in white privilege.

You know, because he thinks it's something that it's probably, you know, that it's not. Where he's like, well, I didn't grow up with anything and blah, blah, blah. And now he's like a fucking so rich. Right. So anyway, so then Karen's friend and her husband got in like a fucking fight. It was uncomfortable. Not like super uncomfortable. And like, so he's just like, there's no white privilege, blah, blah, blah.

Then cut to like the end of the night. We're all sharing like stories of like all like, like, you know, like the stuff they did when they were young. He's like, oh, yeah. He's like, he's like, yeah, one night, like I was just hammered i was driving home cop pulled me over and uh and he uh yeah he was just like how much did you have to drink and he's like all right man i'll just follow you home and then the cop just followed him home and let him go crazy crazy and there's no white privilege uh my dad told me a story um he definitely believes in white privilege but he told me a story when he was going to college in rhode island at brown yeah um he found out that his dad

had a heart attack i know his dad had a stroke yeah and that's also like back in the day too where it's like we're talking about like the communication thing where you just call you where you could just call and be like i'm not gonna come in or can you do that almost got hit by like a floating fuzzy thing okay in my face it looked like a huge like white i was like oh my god aliens are taking it was just like a floating fuzz um my god but yeah so he got got the call that his dad had a stroke. And I guess I think he got like the message too. And that's the crazy thing too is like you wouldn't get real-time updates. Right.

Like if you were out that night, you just had to find out four hours later that your dad had a stroke. He's like, so as soon as I heard it, I just got in my car and took off back to Baltimore. And he was speeding the whole way. And I think when he was in like Pennsylvania or New Jersey or something like that, he got pulled over and the cop was like, hey, you're doing like fucking 90 or whatever it was. And Matt said that his dad had a stroke and he's just trying to get to the hospital. And the cop said, say no more.

I'll escort you back. So the cop drove ahead of him like super fast. He's like, just follow me. And then when he got to another state line, they had other cops like escort him as well. Holy shit. Isn't that crazy? That's so cool. And if that was like a person of color in the 70s or like, can you imagine like, oh, my dad's sick.

It's like, what did he do? Like, you don't know your dad. Shut up. You're under arrest. Looks like we got cocaine in the car. He's like, you dropped that. He's like, did I? Oh, my God.

But yeah, it's just like a young white dude. He's like, my dad's sick. And he's like, let's go. Yeah, her friend. And then it was funny because her one friend kept saying, yeah, we were bad kids. I'm like, dude, you guys were horrible. You guys were all just. I was like, I mean, I'm thinking all this in my head.

I'm like. Yeah. Think about how many of your friends are dead from drugs, are in jail, like, fucked up people. Yeah. You guys are lucky. Yeah, because, yeah, because if you don't get caught, you're like, well, I didn't do anything bad. Yeah. Yeah.

And so her other friend, like, ah, God, I think Karen's friend sometimes listens. Look, if you're listening, come on, it's all for fun. Also, we all have stories where we don't seem great. Yeah. And her one friend that night also told this story about, like, how I guess they were on like some party bus something happened where uh there was almost a fight between like some guys she was currently seeing her ex-boyfriend i guess like the cops came she started arguing with them and they put her in cuffs and she ran oh no like they like detained her but she started to run and then like

the cops like chased her and when he got to her he just wham just knocked her down jesus put her and she was like fighting them the whole time i was like dude how god how are you not dead oh a person of color would have been shot shot and no one would have cared back then like in the early 90s no one would oh especially because then like in the early 90s no one would especially be like well they were resisting or they ran away and you're like well what are you supposed to do what are you supposed to do chase them yeah so many stories of like oh yeah we got pulled over we were hammered and they let us go yeah like you get it together you crazy kids yeah what the fuck but yeah that if it's young black kids it's like god you make me sick you're all under

arrest like was art like she got pulled over and it was like for speeding or something and the cop was like do you know why i pulled you over and she was like either give me a fucking ticket or let me go i was like could you imagine saying that to a cop i remember that's like female privilege oh that's that's extra yeah yeah i would never think that i remember uh me blake and uh my other friend ryan we got pulled over when we were like 17 going from annapolis to ken island and we were just laughing the whole time like we weren't scared like we thought it was funny like we weren't drunk but it was just like oh this is so like we were like riffing on something else, and it, like, smelled like farts, and we just. Were you laughing in front of the cop?

No, but, like, as we got pulled over. And then, like, when they came to the window, we're like, all right, this, you know, like, they came to, like, both sides, and they were being very stern. What did they pull you over for? I think it was speeding, and they gave him a warning, but, like, it's just such a different experience. Like. Yeah. Again, if we were, like, young black kids, like, that's scary. Like's scary like where are you guys going what are you doing it's awful late to be around it you know right but for us we're like isn't this silly this is novel you know yeah crazy we

weren't even trying to be assholes but you just don't know no yeah because that's only your interact like you're just like well we're not what are we gonna get killed for we're just speeding we're also not doing anything wrong yeah yeah. Yeah. You know, like everybody speeds. It's whatever. Yeah. But yeah, it's the same thing where like the line just get moves of, you know, depending on the person. Because it's like if you're running from the cops.

Yeah. That's insane. That's next level. And you're already drunk. Crazy. Seriously, next level shit. Crazy. Yeah. No, I have nothing like that i've kind of been a dick to a cop getting pulled over but like nothing that aggressive like fuck you i've never been

yeah i've always been too scared i got pulled over um on ken island once i was driving i think i was working at lido's and i think i was going to ryan and jason schwab's house i think um anyway it was like a two-lane road and i'm driving and then there's a person walking in the street and then so the it's two lanes and it's a double yellow line so you're not like allowed to pass right but it's a person walking in the street so i went around them yeah you gotta wait for them and then a cop pulled me over he's like illegal you can't do that i've seen way too many wrecks that that was just uncalled for what you're doing out there is negligent he gave me so many fucking

like it wasn't just like illegal it was like uh endangerment and all that and i was like wait your dad's disappointed yeah and i was like what the the fuck? Yeah, that was what they were saying. Are you serious? Are you serious? You serious, bro? Yeah, are you serious? He's like, no, I've just seen so many. I was like, there was no one coming. What are you talking about?

Damn. It later got thrown out. No big deal. Damn, that's tight. No big deal. Yeah, I defended myself like a young. That reminds me. I got a ticket I got to pay.

Ooh. Parking and no parking. I knew it. And I got cocky. I left it there for two days two days that morning i checked i was like oh thank god no ticket afternoon went to my car fucking ticket oof buddy no once so in front of my house there's a no stopping sign like 12 feet i guess to like the curb and i stopped at my house once for a situation where it was

like i was coming from my dad's and i was to go to a friend's house or something like that. And I was like, oh, I'll just run inside, grab whatever. I think I was like grabbing beers to go somewhere or something like that. Literally like 10 minutes parked in front of my house, just in front of the no stopping sign with my flashers. $75 ticket in 10 minutes. Yeah. You got to watch out.

They're out there. These fuckers. These fuckers. You know, and that's, they talk about white privilege. Hey. I can't go in the house i own and go get my ips oh it cost me money to exist i don't like that damn dude yeah i know and now i gotta wear a mask what the fuck crazy you know what i'm saying you know what i'm saying wrap it up yeah i think we'll wrap it up let's's do it. Yeah. I was just on the Laugh Finder podcast. That was fun.

I think that'll be out next week. Let me see. Doing Speechless this week. So that's going to be via Zoom. So you can tune into that. It's only five bucks. That's on the 24th at 7 p.m. You can get tickets at the DC Draft House website.

We're going to have Brittany Carney, Talib Babb, Stephen Chen, and myself are the contestants, hosted by Tim Miller and Pete Bergen. Should be a fun show. Yeah, follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Josh Kaderna. Cool. Yeah, I'm on Instagram. I'm not doing social media. Yeah, you kind of like tapped out a little bit.

I like that. Yeah, you don't need to do anything for me. It's great. I peep. I'm pe. Yeah, you don't need to do anything for me. It's great. I peep. I'm peeping. You're lurking. But it's been nice to not be in the mix. Oh, yeah.

Quick update for me. I'm back in the house, and it's quite nice. Oh, nice. I'm back, baby. Was there like a... It was pretty good. Pretty. Was there anything you walked into you're like, this should be here?

Yeah. Yeah. For the amount, yes. But not too bad. Not too bad. There's stuff that wasn't there. I was like, yeah, that's fine. There was a wine stain on the table.

Damn. Which table? In the middle room. It's a white tabletop. Oh, okay. A little wine stain there. That was new. Did it come out?

I don't know. You know what might get out? A magic sponge. Yeah, I've heard that baking soda in water is pretty good, too. But yeah, I'm worried about taking off the varnish on top or whatever. That's why I go magic sponge first. I'll give it a shot. Give it a shot.

I appreciate it. But yeah, so I bought a couple new fixtures that i'm excited about i've got some uh new curtains coming in that i'm excited about so you know just trying to make the place my own yeah man good for you the house that i own but oh yeah yesterday i i called you or texted you i was like hey i got a package could you go grab it off my porch you're like it is not here it's like fuck but luckily uh it was there when i got home so i was like thank god so yeah i know that would have been hilarious i'm like damn i got because you're on a corner where it's a lot of activity a lot of traffic real easy to scoop a package off your corner yeah it would be so funny to like dang i got a sick ass sconce

yeah and yeah and like mine's a corner house too but it's like a one-way street there's a gate I got a sick ass sconce. Yeah. Yeah. And like mine's a corner house too, but it's like a one way street. There's a gate. Yeah. A little less foot traffic around here. Yeah.

Yeah. And then you have a, my dog will start barking. Yeah. Once you hit, touch the gate. So yeah, it was, it was still nice of you to,

uh, to go, to go grab that. So yeah, it's absolutely nice. Very nice to be back. And, uh, yeah, the first night I came back, I just did nice. Very nice to be back. And yeah,

the first night I came back, I just did a bit for nobody. I was like, honey, I'm home. I'm getting a shake shack. And I was like, ah,

this is so nice. Damn. So good. So good. Yeah. We'll leave it on that, that positive note there. We'll talk to you guys next week.

David Kackner. Take us out. guys next week David Kackner take us up you you