The Digression Sessions - Ep. 326 - Backyard Sessions 8

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are back together but podding from a distance on Umar's porch to yell at strangers at gain. Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

oh another ambient podcast hey we are we're back on a porch me josh gaderna umar khan over there what's up a little more sober than last week a lot more sober not a hundred percent sober not a hundred not a hundred percent we're 100 proof whiskey. A couple of glasses. We 100% had a dude's hang. I'll tell you that. But we are on Umar's porch this time. Oh, yeah. Umar was just nice enough to grill a bunch of food.

We're hanging with our buddy Owen. Yeah, good times. It is. It is good times. It's a nice day. Labor Day weekend. Hey, here we are. This is why we do it.

Labor Day is for the troops, right? No. Oh, that's Memorial Day. Yeah, I are this is why we do it labor days for the troops right uh no that's a memorial day yeah i think this is for the workers it's for the working are we workers oh yeah working on doing a good pocket working on getting some pussy because like is labor day for specific what's going on is there a chicken in there sorry some guys walking over the cage yeah but it's just a stuffed animal. Oh, wow. There is a stuffed animal in a cage. Another Ambien podcast. We got Cobb out here.

We got Cobb. Hanging. But yeah, Umar made steaks and burgers. Some New York strips. Yeah, very nice. On his new grill. Ooh, come on. The Weber.

Quite the hang. The Weber. We are brought to you by Weber. And Owen made some old fashions brought it over in a mason jar very uh yuppie ish and i think that fits yeah with the theme uh shout out to everybody last week that reached out that is that owns property you guys are the real fans the real doing it up appreciate that pretty tight um my friend bl, he reached out. He's like, I had to rewind it like five times. He's like, there's a part where you go like,

where the people are walking by and Umar's like, he's like, oh, no, it's okay. We're gay. And under my breath, I'm like, okay. All right. Easy. I don't even remember that. It was a good cast, though.

Good. I don't remember. I. It was a good cast, though. Good. I don't remember. I barely. I was pretty drunk. There was a couple of stories that I had from my little getaway that I was like, did I get to those? I think you did. And then I was like, I got to listen to the pod.

And I was like, I'm not going to listen to it. Yeah. Yeah. I never listen. I mean, I even post it. I don't listen to a couple and then i'm just like i don't care no you you were a trooper yeah you uh you came through had the uh jammed i was so drunk while we were jamming a good jam i uh i felt like i was like ah this sucks i'm

so drunk i can't like remember stuff i'm like i'm like i can't hear right i was like pretty fucked up you're pretty good considering oh that's good yeah we'll do it again today all right let's do it i'm down um no it was funny though so your uh your girlfriend was locked out of the house and i think you had oh yeah i think you had your phone on airplane mode or something something was happening i wasn't getting service so we're jamming so we're jamming in the basement after the podcast and uh and karen hits me on instagram like hey uh umar's not home should i be worried i was like oh no we're jamming the basement she's like okay well i'm locked out of the house like i need him to come home it's like oh he's on his way and then i think we proceeded to jam for like another 20 minutes yeah it was uh we got no

fight about that because i tried to lie and i was like i didn't know and she's like i texted johnson like yeah he told me but i thought you had a key his well to be fair when i left rocket i was like hey you don't have a key she's like it'll be fine she She said, I thought she said she did have a key or something happened. Yeah. Anyway, so we're jamming and I'm like, ah, a little bit more, a little bit more. She's just waiting on the porch the whole time. Yeah. So she ended up waiting out here for like a half an hour, which is a long time.

Such a funny thing to do as a boy. Like, you can't really get more stereotypical. Be like, I was just jamming yeah yeah yeah yeah just because i think it was it's like all right well let's wrap up you're like well i do have this riff is this any good yeah i'm like yeah sure right it was a bummer no it was it was fun to play but yeah i texted you after like you good you're like what do you mean i'm like you in trouble you there's no way you can't have yeah it was fine we got over she got over it i felt i apologize yeah i mean it's not like the most like sincere thing or like severe thing but i'm sure

she was not happy but uh yeah funny because i was just like i was trying to be like ah i didn't know but it's like how could you not we're gonna do take a key you're an adult i don't know what the fuck you want me to say hey hey come on come on come on uh but yeah food was good hangs are good hangs good food very nice doing some yuppie stuff i went and got shit to have an island you helped me with that carried it in yeah your boy got put everything on it uh so we stained it so your boy got a butcher block nice little top nice little six foot by three feet and change. Inch and three-fourths thick butcher block on top of a nice little cabinet in the kitchen. Could have a nice little island out there.

And yeah, you helped me move that in. So that was cool. Yeah, just doing more yuppie house house stuff it's very nice very nice good good for you i know i know thank you so you know that's kind of what i've been up to is just house shit just like painting stuff i've been jamming with miles which is good so we're gonna record some stuff so i'm looking forward to that are you gonna do under the tremendous athlete no i think it's gonna be something else we're were trying to come up with names. And there's a lot of metal bands just have one word, you know?

Like down or something like that. And then there's two word bands, like Russian Circles. And I was like, we should be Baltimore Squares. And then I was like, I kind of like Squares, too. Squares is good squares is good squares good because we're both kind of nerds is it taken it might be yeah but i doubt baltimore squares some some on like i bet the squares is taken square some some version of squares could work i think yeah i think that could work so nice so yeah we're writing some stuff gonna record some stuff it's's going to be nice, man. Nice.

But, yeah, I mean, that's pretty much all I've been up to. Yeah, I did a show on Friday. That's right. At a vineyard in Harford County. And Harford County is like 45 minutes outside of Baltimore. And I didn't, like like so i get booked and the guy's like ah it's like i'm supposed to be a it's like he said like not super clean i guess it was dubbed as let me see what the exact wording was so i don't fuck this up but probably like super, super clean.

He said. I. I have an outdoor show at the Harford Vineyard in Forest Hill. Relatively clean like PG-13. So. So you get like one fuck. You get one fuck. Couple shits. Shitsits you can show a nipple maybe once right because titanic was pg-13 was it oh yeah because that was the first time i saw tits in a movie you get a nice kate winslet you get a long scene of her tits

how was that pg-13 because i guess it was art not sex well i mean it's right in the title oh titanic yeah yeah and that was what we all called it titanic sure sure sure sure yeah titanic big old titty she shows her tits a lot kate winslet she's good she's a hottie and i'm saying this as an ally because i support women she has a great set of this great set i saw her in a movie uh about like living in the burbs and she's like cheating on her husband with a guy who's cheating on his wife. Isn't that Leo, too, as well?

No. I don't know who it is, but it's a good movie. Huh. But anyway. Yeah, she's in a bunch of good... She shows her tits in that? Eternal Sunshine. I don't think she shows her boobs in that, but that's good.

Real quick, I watched Charlie Kaufman movie, the new one. Not very good. I think this is the end or something. or not great yeah not great I'm gonna check it out check it out I would tell everybody check it out but not good yeah not good the acting is good it's shot well everything about it is good except you're just like I don't get it I get it but it's awesome I mean I kind of get it but kind of don't it's like when you're just trying like really hard. It's like. Well, that was with Inception.

Like everyone tried to explain it. I'm like, I think you don't know what is happening. Yeah, but I think it's like when you're trying too hard to be interesting and you're like, well, I'm interesting because I'm doing a lot. And it's like, yeah, but it's not making sense. Right. You know? So it's like, yeah, if you could just tell a straightforward story, that'd be cool too.

Yeah. But anyway, so you get booked on the clean show. I get booked maybe like three weeks in advance to do the show. I vaguely remember. So leading up to it, I vaguely remember it's supposed to be a clean show. Clean-ish. Clean-ish. And so you also remember that the last time I did comedy was a month before. So the time it was spaced out, I did comedy once, and then a month later I'm doing it for a second time.

That is the funny thing about doing these outdoor shows is because you're also like, yeah, this is my second live show. But the show before your first show was five months ago. Yes. And then so it's like, i had all this new shit i wrote and i tried i can't remember it right and uh yeah so then i'm driving up there and then i vaguely in my head remember like oh shit we got to be clean and i was like oh it sucks i fucking hate doing clean comedy and But I've also learned Over the years

Like when people say they want clean They don't really mean like squeaky They mean don't talk about politics And don't talk about like fist Fisting a chick or something Well it's also They just want you to be tactful with it Like you don't want to come out and be like

What's up motherfuckers How you stupid Oh look at this bitch Right It's like Which yes exactly you just don't be like overly yeah like in a punch line you'd be like are you fucking kidding me nobody's gonna be like exactly uh i think i did a little bit of both uh so but i'm driving there and harvard county it's like a lot of cunts in the audience and by that i mean wonderful people yeah it's only 45 minutes away but it's like- You're like, a lot of cunts in the audience tonight. And by that, I mean wonderful people. Yeah. It's only 45 minutes away, but it's so rural. I probably pass just a low ball estimate, like 30 Trump signs.

Uh-huh. 400 farms. Before I get to the vineyard in Harvard County. Yeah. Do you think Trump people liked flags before? And then, you know what I mean? Right. There's so many flags.

I know. Were you guys flag people ahead of this? And then you found Trump, and there's so many flags i know were you guys flag people ahead of this and then you found trump there's a flag you're like yeah and it's also like you guys aren't the people who get to tell me to be clean you know like you're not a civil group of people also the grabbing by the pussy guy is your hero and you're like hey watch your mouth exactly so then i'm like also it's like where it's blue collar it's roar like these people they don't want clean comedy that is but yeah like a dude that like just just like he's in like coveralls covered in soot and he's like don't you dare say a cuss word to me yeah and there's like a hundred people there it's an outdoor show it's spread out

yeah so though so like a couple of gin and jokes people came which was nice oh very cool like uh two groups of gin and jokes people came and uh my actually my friend's mom saw that i was doing it so she bought tickets so my friend's mom and her she came and my friend's mom like used to go to gin and jokes oh nice and so they're there i'm hanging out with them they're very nice she's single or what's what's good her uh well she is single divorced and her mom is uh i think she's single too just got her weed card woo and so i won't say their names would you say she's ready to mingle probably i don't know interesting interesting so i'm trying to become a dad yeah please and then uh next week i I'm like, I own property. I'm a stepdad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've leveled up as a yuppie. I'm a stepdad of a 30-year-old. Like, let's play catch. It's like, hey, you have no athletic ability. Yeah, so I'm talking. That's my son. So I'm talking to them.

And I'm just looking at the crowd. And I'm like, these people don't want a clean show. Right. I don't need to be overly offensive. I don't need to be political. But you also don't have to pull show right i can just like i don't need to be overly offensive i don't need to be political but you also don't have to like pull your punches either yeah you can pretty much say almost they don't want you to be like gosh dang it you know like just be you what yeah so then the host goes up and uh uh he has a rough one he is a very rough one but again he's he can't be himself because he's worried like

i get it it's his show it's a sold-out crowd this is like an investment for him because he can do future shows with this yeah vineyard and uh so going up first is always tough and going up first sucks and it's like the first time and they're telling you to be clean yeah and he's like you know he's a newer comic he's probably been doing it for like three years so he has a rough one and then the second comic goes up she does pretty well yeah and uh trending up which yeah and then so we're gay so then i go up and a little bit of payback i start with i was like oh what's up harford county i? I was like, oh, is this a clean? I was told this is a clean comedy show. Do you guys want to do clean comedy?

And people started booing. And I was like, oh, okay. I was like, are there any kids here? I even asked. I was like, are there kids here? And everyone was like, no. And I was like, good fuck your kids. And that got

a huge like yeah and then i was like does anybody identify as a pussy and they're like so as soon as like fuck your kids got a laugh i was like cool and then one lady wrote like oh but my kids are like in the house right over there and she pointed like it's like you know there's like across the acre of lane i'm like oh well fuck your kids i don't care if they hear this yeah that got a laugh and like so then i'm i just do my normal act i just normal act i i do like a me too joke i have an ass eating joke i probably drop a f-bomb here and there like i but actually you know what i eat ass dude my ass eating joke destroy like my me too joke just like yeah doing great uh a couple of my riffs like didn't work but like i'm like making fun of like people in the audience oh i had a great riff which i don't think most people got there was like an older guy

there who was wearing like a button down like shirt that had like uh it was it was kind of like it was like a hot topic slash hawaiian shirt it was like red with palm trees on oh i was gonna say they have like flames on it or something yeah i was like oh sir you look like you should be at like a jimmy buffett concert yeah like he looks like guy fieri yeah yeah like guy fieri jimmy buffett yeah and then so i said uh And he was like yeah And he was playing along And I was like well yeah I'm like the brown Jimmy Buffett I was like welcome to Tiki Masala-ville

Which I thought was a fun riff And like only half the crowd Pretty good I think yeah that's pretty good Only half the crowd got it It's cheesy but I was like Off the top of my head I thought it was pretty good Not bad. Not bad.

But also for me to know who Jimmy Buffett, I don't. Yeah. And a Margaritaville riff. I mean, please. Come on. Come on. So, yeah, I'm killing. I'm like fucking with the crowd.

I'm hitting on this older hot chick. Yeah. How you doing? And she lives in Baltimore, she said. And so, hey, hey. Hey. You okay? Yeah. And we went well and then uh as i'm on stage oh so the the

owner of the vineyard is there and i feel so bad because like he is like i can tell like a really nice guy yeah because like when i parked i parked all the way in the back in a field like because you know how like vineyards go like yeah and he's like oh umar like you're a comic around i was like yeah he's like oh man i got vip parking you for i was like dude i can look i'm not a normal harford county resident i can walk 10 feet like i'm i'm good i didn't bring my mobile scooter yeah like i'm i'm in shape bro i can walk 10 feet to the stage also that's a funny thing for a parking lot is like you want a vip section yeah but I also took the farthest away because I knew I was going to leave right after I performed. So I could go home and hang out with Karen. Also, real quick, it looks like there's some type of outdoor show.

Oh, there is an outdoor party going on. Yeah, interesting. You guys having a party? All right. I'm going to call Hogan. We won't report you. It's okay. We're's okay we're gay we're gay uh so yeah so like i'm on stage the owner uh he's like taking pictures i can i felt bad okay so he's also wearing like a blue like under armor polo and he's wearing uh like red uh shorts like red like um

cargo shorts with white stripes going two white stripes going down the side he intention like he looks like a lifeguard he well but he got dressed and he was like red white and blue nobody's mad at that so then i at one point like i like i'm like oh god they they hate me like um i'm sorry i'm being offensive and i was like oh god the i was like the the guy who i can't i said something about like i was like oh god the guy who's uh for some reason dressed like a lifeguard i don't know why because there's no pool anywhere around and like that can't like because everyone's like yeah why is this guy dressed like a lifeguard i don't know why because there's no pool anywhere around and like that kit like because everyone's like yeah why is this guy dressed like a lifeguard so i'm just like

shitting on the owner yes for no reason who was also very nice to you so nice uh-huh yeah and he's like this is giving us an opportunity to perform and get paid a hundred percent yeah it's like beautiful out and then he's just, that's the funny thing about stand-up. You're like, God, I can't wait to get back to the art form. And you're like, look at this guy. Isn't he a piece of shit? Yeah. But that's what sucks too.

But it's also like I don't want to fail. Yeah. I don't want to fail in a scenario where I know I can do well. Sure. And also, but busting balls is a part of it. Right. But it is just funny. But not him.

He's not a part of it. Totally. But it is just funny. But not him. He's not a part of it. Not him. Totally. And he's like a nice guy, and he just wants, he's running a family business. Well, also, it's like when you're on stage, too, you get like that Terminator eye. Like, you've seen Terminator 2, right? Yeah. Yeah, but when he like sizes up the guy for like getting his like, he's like, okay, this matches this. Okay, I'm going to take his clothes. They would fit.

Like, we have that on stage of just, like, even if it's the nicest person, it's like, he looks like a fucking dork. I have to say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it just equals joke. You know, like, the guy that's like, hey, Omar, do you want a drink or anything?

You're like, doesn't he look stupid, though? And everybody's like, yeah, he does. Well, to be fair, we didn't get free food or drinks. So, I mean, you're a bit weird. I guess you had it coming. I don't know. I feel like if you talk to 90 of the people there dude when i got off stage there was a group of people saying we wanted

encore i was just like oh that's tight i killed i fucking killed sure uh i got uh i got uh literally like right when i got off stage i had like a couple of instagram follower follows that's always nice that was a good feeling that's always nice i think i did well everyone was laughing had a good time i involved the crowd and uh so then just now during our cookout uh a gin and jokes fan who was there uh sent me a dm on instagram and she said said should i reply and tell them to fuck off oh boy and uh apparently they had sent out an email to uh the guests of the comedy show like people that bought tickets yeah yeah and the the email was apologizing so the email said it's been brought to our attention that there was offensive material during friday night's comedy show we would like to sincerely apologize to those who were offended or not very fond of some of the material we were extremely clear in the

planning process that there was to be no cursing bg-13 uh no material involved in politics that's not what clean comedy means and was to be a family-friendly comedy show uh it was advertised as family-friendly never told to me personally to be family-friendly yeah and then it said unfortunately to our dismay some comedians were not able to respect that once Once again, we genuinely apologize. We hope you understand. As always, we thank you for your continued support and hope to see you in the near future. It'd be great if we got more specific. It's been brought to my attention that some people think red shorts aren't cool.

And actually, they are very cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we apologize. And actually, there is a pool about a couple of miles away, and I am the general manager there. And if somebody were to drown, I am trained in CPR. Yeah. And I practice on 16-year-old girls mouth-to-mouth CPR all the time. I mean, because they are young and malleable.

Yeah. But, yeah, so I think that's not all you. A couple of pedophile jokes. I threw in some Epstein material. I love, yeah. You this is killed this is also funny too as it like rolls out you're like i barely said anything you're like i told the owner that his wife yeah and looking back i'm probably that piece of shit comedian i'm like who's like hey they told me i can't be uh you know like i'm like i'm pretending we're like i'm doing that

stick where i'm like is this too edgy because you, you know, like. But also, too, you're like, I mean, I guess if you didn't want the bad boy Baltimore comedy, you shouldn't have booked him. God damn it, I suck. Yeah, I was just like, yeah, I literally, my transition to, I was like, ah, let me lighten the mood, guys. Epstein, huh? And I mean, but that got a huge laugh. So it's just like, what the fuck? Know your audience. Well, like I was telling you in

the back though it's like it only takes who even knows if somebody complained too it could be one it could just be preemptive yeah exactly it could even be like nobody was complaining but like a staff member maybe it was like hey by the way did you hear the joke and it couldn't even be yours like could be people after too where it's like they said this thing about like a pussy you know or whatever yeah but it's happened every time i get told like so i was opening up for this guy ismo he's like a you're he's like a finland comedian yeah and uh very funny i was there's a lot of like word play and like breakdown of like but he's very good yeah and he was uh i was told by the comedy the owner of the club the booker said like hey they want a clean host and so i was like okay

so i did my first show and it was i did it squeaky clean and then he goes up and this guy has a 10 minute bit on the word shit and then he has a 10 minute bit on the word ass yeah buddy when i opened for steve-o he he did he wanted a clean opener. Yeah. And then Steve-O also did a whole story. He's like, okay, so when we did the gumball challenge, we're in a car, we're driving around Europe, and we had a bet to see who could jerk off first in the back of the car. We came everywhere. Same, dude. And then so I talked to the Yzmo guy after the second show, or after the first show, it's one night,

because he did Dirty Material and his feature did, and I'm like or after the first show it's one night because he did dirty material and his feature did and i'm like hey man yeah quick question i was like i was sort of to be squeaky clean but like you guys aren't like do you care he's like oh dude you're great like no you're just do whatever you normally do again it's it's people also just not wanting to have somebody because you can kill the vibe up top if you're like it's like what's up you dumb bitch what he's told me he's like oh dude you're a you're a good comic you're doing great but he's like just i only tell my he's like i guess i gotta tell my management to tell the club something else because when i say clean i just mean like i don't want you to he's like we've literally had hosts going

on stage like you know they're in the midwest or whatever and they're like oh i was fist fucking this or the same thing it's like fucking this girl in the ass and she started bleeding and you're like oh my god like then you go into the crowds like how about you you fuck asses yeah yeah where it's like you yeah you have to be able to use it tactfully. That's all. And I think managers, too, try to just justify their jobs where they're like, oh, I'll take care of it. So they try to overdo it. Right, it's an overcorrection. Exactly. And then so the same thing.

When I opened up for Steve-O, I was told to be squeaky clean. Yeah, I've had that, too. The woman that I opened for, what was her name? Oh, the Asian chick? No. Oh, I mean, that was a different. Oh, the Filipino, whatever? That was Angela Johnson. She went theela johnson she was the southern chick the southern chick like her crowd loved me

because i was also just like the same thing of just like you know doing like jokes and like here and there where like you say like one curse word you're like hey fuck you guys you guys love this they're like oh my, my God. And I had so many women in leopard skin tights being like, you're amazing. Oh, my God. You're engaged. They're touching you. Are you on Facebook? Yeah.

They love it. And then the manager's like, hey, I heard you said shit last night. It's like, yeah. And they fucking ate it up. The comics manager, not the manager of the club. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, but also, she was very cool too and i don't think she cared but again it's management same thing with like the venue to be like holy fuck we can't

yeah that's the whole thing people get removed so like when i was opening up for steve-o like i did my first show clean and that was i mean i went into that story but i ended up only getting able to do five minutes right right oh i'm gonna crush these five and i fucking i mean i murder like murdered murdered murdered yeah and then he brought some guy who went and tried to do stand-up but he's not a comic and just fucking you also know that club too and the baltimore county crowd so then steve-o goes on and he doesn't do stand-up anymore he uh he plays like jackass type videos that he films of himself now like new videos sketch stuff so he tells an anecdote what led to the filming of the sketch yeah and then they play the sketch there's literally a sketch of stevo it closes on

him skydiving naked jerking off and you see him literally you see cum flying out of his dick uh-huh so then i go up to steve-o and his uh manager or whatever whoever that guy and they're very nice but they clearly did not want me on the show the club wanted me on the show they don't want to but goobies does that i get it i understand i had that with ralphie may too so i was like, guys, I was told that I'm supposed to be squeaky. They're like, you're fine, dude. Just do whatever you want. I was like, tight. So the second show, I didn't worry about being clean.

I had an even better set. But then I started learning squeak. Most people, when they say clean, they're only saying that because they're worried that people are going to get upset where it's like most people don't want it like most people like just they can go to a comedy show yeah see normal comic comedy and be fine um and if you're a trump crowd and you get offended i i mean honestly go fuck yourself like i could care less go fudge yourself yeah like i fudge but no have zero respect well it's also uh sensibilities sure but the yeah the thing with headliners is though it's like the same thing if you were on the road like imagine if you're like you go to like wherever

like peoria iowa and you're like i don't fucking care about this comedy scene i don't care who the opener is like just don't fuck it up by the time I get on stage. Right. Which is kind of what they're saying. Like, just be clean. But they're kind of saying, just don't be dumb. I know. I know.

But, dude, you look out into the crowd and you're like, oh, these people say the N-word all the time. They hate gay people. They love anytime Trump shits on, like, minorities. Like, you can go if if i offended you that night good you you deserve it yeah you deserve to get your feelings hurt it's also that might not even be who that is and yeah exactly and i think and that was a cool crowd like personally i like them and that's the cool thing about comedy too is that you can have a crowd like that that may vote for trump but it's also they're just they're cool people they're fine but they're also

i'd rather be that way it's like okay we have some common ground and then they obviously know your perspective is probably a little more like liberal right they still like have fun and they still laugh and exactly so that's that's better than being like fuck you guys you know what i mean like there you reach some commonality and common ground there yeah like my that's the thing like i wasn't being combative yeah a couple of the other comics like oh i'm gonna talk about seeing all these trump signs i was like personally i wouldn't do that these people paid to have fun and that was my whole goal it's like i just want you to have fun yes i think you're having fun if i thought me saying these things you weren't having fun i would i would pivot well it's also doing it long enough to know that i can pivot of course when to pivot

of course of course but it's it's also it's the same thing we're talking about it's it's weird to have a guideline like you can't be like hey be good at comedy right because you can do that too where you can kind of bust balls a little bit where you can make a joke be like well i don't know about this trump audience and they would laugh you know what i mean if you're like i don't know where do you where do you get a nice coffee and a scone around here i don't know you guys wouldn't you know what i mean or something like that where they'd be like haha like you acknowledge it but you don't fucking put them down enough or be like you're stupid people dude that's a big problem with the left too it's like oh i hate that where you're being so mean yes you're you're like being like you're being so

uh uh like snotty condescending condescending to the other side like i i don't know like i think john oliver does that a lot i think it's really hot i think a lot of left oh yeah sorry guys we have to move to the front yard the porch because someone was playing clear waters clear water credence what were they playing credence clear water revival credence clear water revival like just jamming out in the back then some zz top good lord and then some uh blink 182 no uh they transitioned into fallout boy yeah uh i gotta say fallout boy great band my shirt coming off also i didn't know pete went great drummer i didn't yeah i didn't know pete went drummer i didn't yeah i didn't

know pete wentz wrote the uh lyrics for a lot of their stuff i didn't know that either i didn't know that he was actually talented yeah uh the uh the singer for every time i die the guitar player and drummer from fallout boy and then scott ian from anthrax band yeah called the damn things it's it's not good yeah they're talented um but yeah no that's that's my huge thing because yeah like obviously i identify as like a liberal person and that type of thing but it just makes me so mad when people are so shitty from like our side of things to people and it's like cool you know so much and great you have a master's degree what the fuck does it matter if you can't convince somebody or talk to somebody from the other side?

Or live next to someone who disagrees with you. But I'm saying even to communicate to them. That's what I mean. Because if you write them off, you're doing the same thing that you are mad at them about, where it's like, oh, you're just a redneck. You don't accept different points of view. It's like, have you listened to yourself talk?

Yeah, this woman in the Hamden neighborhoods group uh posted uh she's like guys uh there's a lot of trump flags on 34th street and in hamden 34th street uh around christmas time they do miracle on 34th yeah so like a block of the house of a block is like just doused in christmas lights and everything decorations it's a big tourist spot yeah and so real quick one of my favorite 34th street stories was uh so that's right by rocket yeah 34th street like a local bar yeah local bar uh where umar was last week but one year i was outside of rocket i think like waiting to go in i was meeting somebody or like leaving waiting for somebody to come out and the funny thing is yeah it is half a block but like cars will come from forever like families come to drive through and be like let's look at

the lights you can get stuck so my buddy my friend marie lived uh literally two or three blocks up from 34th street yeah and it's uh right off the expert like the express highway like the little 83 that runs through baltimore interstate the interstate and uh so she got off and once you get off there it's like literally a minute drive to her house yeah it took her 40 minutes to get to her i hate that hate that. Yeah. Because that's how backed up traffic was. Right. So I was outside of that, outside of Rocket and it's right where

the corner is to like turn on the 34th Street and there was a minivan and I could see it was packed and they had the windows down and I don't know what preceded this but I just heard

the dad driving. He just goes, I'm trying. So you could probably picture the kids are like, go dad, go, go. How did he not go? It just sums up his whole existence try yeah exactly yeah that's like his mantra that he learned in therapy i'm trying

i'm trying in this moment i'm trying in my life i'm trying in all endeavors i am trying that's all i can ask myself just to try yeah but yeah that said like it's it's so annoying it's like cool well you have this point of view what does it matter if you can't convince somebody or have somebody at least see your side of things yeah dude and that's the thing too it's like these people it doesn't mean they're pieces of shit yeah that's like a thing like when you drive out to like even just driving out to someone like harford county you're like oh i get it like you guys own yeah a fuck ton of land so property means a lot to you because to take care of a plot of land like that's a couple of acres but a lot of

work and you don't want someone to be able to just come and burn it down well well throw shit on it and fuck it up but even beyond that it's like trump knew what he was doing when like he doesn't mean it, but he's like, hey, I like America. And it's easy for people to be like, I like America, too. I like my house. And when you live there, you're so far removed from the problems of like urban life. Yeah. And you're also not interacting with a wide swath of people. And I feel like problems of urban life so often

dominate the political landscape sure the dialogue so you're like these people are talking about something that does not affect me at all like there's no homeless people around me there's no trans people around me there's no yeah there i don't know many like i don't understand so that's what i'm saying it's an exposure problem too yeah so you're you haven't met those people so you you just assume because then also you are watching stuff on the other side that's like those people are bad yeah so you get fed that too but you've never met those people either right and that's the thing like i also it's just funny like i was driving up there and i'm like you know like i oh i bought a house and i'm like i feel oh hey i know the listeners know yes we identify as a yuppie podcast now.

We're a yuppie podcast. But what was just so funny, I even made this, I riffed this joke. I was just like, man, like, I just bought a home in Baltimore and people like clapped and I was like, yeah, like, I felt good. I was like, I'm a, you know, I'm like a property owner. And then I was driving up here and like, oh, I don't own shit. And like, I got a huge laugh. Yeah.

You probably make fun of people in the city it's like what are you doing i do that in dc all the time too where i'm like hey i bought a house in baltimore and it gets like one clap and i'm like you know what fuck you too yeah nobody's impressed they're like cool you own a house in baltimore like can't anybody do that yeah oh this is funny uh speaking of uh my neighbor who's just been running around my neighbor across the street megan she's, she's cool. But apparently, I was hanging out with her one night. We were all having a backyard drink sesh.

And she was like, yeah, I saw you open up for Kyle Kinane at Ram's Head. Nice. And she was like, you pissed me off. And I was like, whoa, what did I say? And I said, she was like, yeah, you said, because I do this thing where i'm like yeah i just bought a home and then people clap and i'm like ah it's not a big deal but i'm in baltimore they're like two dollars and fifty cents right and she said that pissed her off because she's like well i'm trying to buy a home and it's expensive to buy a home of course yeah i'm like i'm it's a fucking she's outside it's a joke i'm yeah and obviously somebody that purchased the house

you're like yes this is the most expensive thing i'll ever do in my life you know yeah it's so funny though like that's the thing that pissed her off because i had me do jokes i'm making fun of identity politics and it's like yeah well you'd be saying that homes are affordable in baltimore yeah she's like yeah honestly like i kind of checked out after that i was gonna say i bet you didn't listen to the other stuff that is so it's like but again that's a thing like the littlest things can offend people yeah and that line did not offend anyone harford county of course yeah no like comedy is also just something different now too where it's like i'm not doing a ted talk i'm not yeah i'm not saying like i believe this this is factual it's like i'm here to fuck around

yeah like obviously i'm here to stretch the truth oh it's like actually no houses aren't cheap but it's like yeah i know what are you talking about i bought what do you think i actually bought a house for two fifths let me say i i know buddy hey renter yeah i know hey uh peasant hey what's up guys we're getting we're doing a podcast we are doing a podcast what do you got to say for yourself what do you want the you're having where are you from we're being ellicott city Ellicott City is not cool. It's so nice you flood it twice. You know what I'm saying? I'm kidding.

Do you still live there? Uh-oh. You're homeless. We're talking to a homeless person. I'm just kind of like going through a breakup. For real? Are you going through a breakup? Wow. This is our first ever interview on the podcast.

First interview. Live interview. Sure. Yeah. All right. Oh, Mechanicsburg. Home of Shane Gillis. Home of Shane Gillis.

You know Shane Gillis? He just got fired off SNL a couple months ago. He's a comedian. He's a good guy. Yeah. What are you guys doing in Baltimore right now? Oh, you got headed to Union. Very nice.

All right, Waverly's right down there. Right around the corner. All right, well, this is the Digression Sessions podcast. Who's this strapping young man? I know. And also, no one can hear you guys, so this is hilarious. This is fine, yeah. So stop saying-

This is really bad podcasting. Yeah, you have to stop saying that stuff about the wall. Are you a model, sir? He looks like a model. We got a bicep model on the podcast. Are you foreign? Oh, okay. No, he's American made.

Are you kidding? Where are you from? Oh, wow. Pennsylvania's showing his chest. He's got no hair. It's insane. Pull your shirt up you have a six-pack a hundred percent no you're not well here's the thing here's the thing he's like no

I don't have a six-pack I have an eight-pack yeah actually he's like honestly it's kind of offensive I have a 12 he looks like he could be like South African like he owns a boat yeah insane he's actually all he's all abs yeah the white button-down shirt's actually all, he's all abs. Yeah. The white button down shirt, the khakis. Yeah. He's like, actually, actually,

I'm trying to look like he doesn't have money, but he does. He's from it. Yeah. I'm just kidding. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell.

Yeah. He actually learned a lot about life through rugby. You know, he has Nike hot tops. He's trying to be relatable to people in Baltimore.imore a hundred percent a hundred percent all right this isn't funny sorry you guys are guys you guys are cool bye bye the podcast is called digression sessions check it out all right have fun you guys all right ambient podcast hopefully that was fun for people hope well hey it's staying in. It is 100% staying in.

How far are we into this? I got one more story. We're about 40 minutes in. How you doing? So, yeah. I think we can put a pin in that of communicating to people where it's like, hey, even if you don't agree, try to talk to that person. Yes. But then also, too, if it is an extreme thing where the person's like, I hate Jews and I hate black no way you're gonna be like so let's let's have a convo can we break people like that are never

yeah that hateful they're like their whole thing is just like look i think trump is says idiotic things and but uh i i want people to be able to protect their property. We should have taken a picture of those people. I know. God damn. Because that one was kind of cute. Yeah. The guy was the hottest one.

The guy was handsome. He was a good looking dude. Handsome devil. We should run over to Waverly. Hey. He absolutely looked like he was from Connecticut. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And also, we would just bomb. So, what are you guys doing? They were recording us. I know. That's what I'm saying. Put it on the gram. Yeah, but people are never that hateful. They just have like one or two things they really care about and they think like Trump is their guy for that.

It's sports for them, but it's also exposure. You're only talking shit about people you've never met. Exactly. But we do the same thing. I was just generalizing them in a whole story like where it's like yeah they're you know they they're they were good people they're fine exactly exactly yeah it's the same thing too where it's like hey the stuff we complain about yeah you too man god we have so many fans showing up okay should we get secure hey it's okay we're good yeah we get uh security i think we have to get my dog copy though um yeah it's the same thing like on our side where it's

like uh i hate people that generalize and stereotype but that said all white people are trash you know you're like okay men white men i love when white chicks are like white men need to do better white men sit down it's like white men created this just so they can impress you and fuck you go fuck yourself like this is for you you're the second beneficiary of this system don't tell white men what they need to do somebody must have done that as a bit but every invention is just a fuck yeah like a kitty hawk they're like what do you call it it's like a plane yeah yeah yeah why do you think the light bulb was invented so you can see pussy oh yeah it's like yeah get out of here yeah speaking of lights i uh here we wow transition

transition award last weekend so when i moved into this house in the front room which we made our dining room not the living room uh hold on one second eat your heart out eat your heart out caitlin jenner eat your corn on the cob on the grill i just want to say eat your heart out caitlin jenner there you go omar wins the transition award oh yeah yeah that was a good transition megan all right uh i just talked about you on the podcast i know you're not but well well hogan thinks you are yeah we texted hogan megan said she's not having a party megan thinks she's megan is what are you having she had like five people just roll up she's not having a party yeah of course okay well look like a party

no it's fine okay it's fine all right go have fun at your party uh so speaking of like light bulbs uh when i moved into the house the front room this is more homeowner talk so homeowners we talked about this a little bit last week by the way oh we did what did i say you said uh jews really fucked up your electricity i mean deborah wiener uh no uh so it also yeah the front room looks very nice here i haven't seen the spot uh we're still doing more to it we gotta get a new rug a couple new chairs always evolving but no yeah you got a fixture and somehow like the light just can't turn off right yeah so yes so last weekend my friend came over uh karen's friend well they're my friends now but karen's

ex-roommates this is weird her ex-roommate but still current friend yeah uh her boyfriend was like hey i can help you hang hang your light fixture i've done it a billion times i was like tight we bought this light fixture from west elm it's whatever so we take down this fan oh no so let me back up when we first moved into this house i had my friend come and look this fan because we couldn't get it to work and he's like i don't know man everything's hooked up right i don't get it i so we took the fan out he took it was hooked to remote control he's like ah i'll just hook it up to your light switch but it still didn't work then a week later the light came on for the fan but we could never turn the light off i I'm not an electrician, but in my professional opinion, I'm going to say ghosts.

Yes. Thank you. What's his name? What's the guy? Casper. Oh, no. Bruce Willis. No, the movie Ghost.

Oh, Patrick Swayze. Patrick Swayze. Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi Goldberg. Did he fuck Whoopi Goldberg? No, he fucked. Oh, who is this? Is it Greyhound?

Yeah, we got a Greyhound in the hood. Hi, handsome. So, yeah, the light stayed on for, I would say, from October of 2019 to last week. Real quick, Demi Moore. Demi Moore was in it. Yes. She was the widow. Anyway, so the light stayed on for months and months. We had this light

fixture. We finally painted everything and did you eat, babe? He was out here for a while. He's been partying. Too much cocaine. And Karen's talking about the dog. He looks hot. Anyway, so the light's been on for months. Our friend comes.

It's an ordeal. It took like four of us to hang this fucking light fixture Yeah we talked about it a little bit last week So we hang it Still can't get the light to turn on and off But the light's on So then I have to call an electrician A couple days later I use Charm City Electrician

Or Charm City Electric Something whatever So I call You know I call the number for this business use charm city electrician or charm city electric something whatever yeah along those lines call you know i call the number for this business i call charm city electric yeah the number on their website the dude just picks up the phone goes hello he goes hello and i'm like uh is this charm city electric he's like yeah and i'm like um uh i need to make an a a weird if you're a business why do you answer the phone that way well also when it's like is this charm city electric you say yes how can i help you yes like what's going on what do you need when i went

to lowe's it seems like at lowe's or home depot your job is just to kind of roam around and avoid people yeah like there were several times where it was like okay i'm getting this the um the fucking butcher block thing that i got was like 150 pounds or something where it's like yeah it's not insanely heavy but i need somebody to help me with it yeah and it's like so can somebody help me get this in my car this woman's like oh no i mean at the front you can ask you know it's like, so can somebody help me get this in my car? This woman's like, ooh, no. I mean, at the front, you can ask. You know, it's like, you should be like, how can I help you do that? You know what I mean? Like, also, you sell massive cabinets and stuff.

We're like, so how do we get this on the car? She's like, you pick it up. I'm like, okay, but I could. But could there be somebody else? Like, I've seen 55 people in one aisle. Exactly. It's crazy. So then aisle exactly it's crazy so then yeah like so then i we really are like the yuppie podcast like here's the thing about

whatever i don't care dude so i call these people and they're like hello and then it's just like uh yeah i need to make it up it's like okay what's wrong and i'm like yeah so i try to explain like yeah we just uh we got a new light fixture in but we can't it's on so i don't think there's anything wrong with the actual like like wire that runs to the fixture fixture because the light's on but it's just it won't turn on and off yeah he's like oh well do you need a new is it on a dimmer i was like yeah he's like do you need a new dimmer and i'm like i don't know man like i don't here's the thing if i that's why i called you yeah if i knew i wouldn't call you i don't did you hit up doug our buddy doug and frederick i want him to make a trip out well he could i'm just saying like if he had any like

thoughts on it that's all so yeah i was just like this he's like well because we don't sell parts if you would have to tell us in advance we could either you buy a dimmer we buy one before we come and i'm like look man i don't know any of this stuff i just know that my light switch doesn't work and so like okay we can come out tomorrow like three or four so then the guy comes and uh i have a mask on and he's like oh do you want me to wear a mask and i'm like uh if you don't mind and he's like oh okay so he puts a mask on and after he puts a mask on he comes inside he's like do you see the new numbers though only 900 people died of actually died of covid the rest were pre-existing they died to something else so you're saying you're telling me 179,100 people just died at one time something else it's like what florida tried to do like

like we have zero cases of pneumonia this month but we have yeah or no we have zero cases of covid but we have 5,000 cases of pneumonia and i was like dude i get what you're saying most people had an underlying condition but they would still be alive if they didn't get covid sure they would just be living with this but also it's like i don't want to pass it on to somebody that has that yeah i would like exactly i would like to not murder people you come into my house during a pandemic it's not crazy for you to wear a fucking mask yeah and to give me shit about it 100 insane yes but i get it whatever you you've been working this whole time you're probably underpaid you're tired and yeah but also it it doesn't hurt to wear the mask it doesn't hurt

just put it on so then like i'm having this so then we're debating covid deaths and i'm just like bro i just want you to fix this fucking light switch yeah and i don't want to i don't want to be a dick i don't want to talk like i don't but then so then i'm like well hey man like yeah like so then we're debating these statistics and i'm like what the fuck i almost literally was gonna be like hey man you gotta leave damn i just didn't want to so you kept going back and forth we had a couple of back and forth and then we both were kind of like yeah i get it i get it sure uh but he ended up being a nice guy but it was just like oh it's just like yeah man this company does not give a shit about customer service yeah which i kind of i mean i kind of

love on i'm also i'm also the guy it's like so punk rock where they're like yeah yourself it's funny because i can go both ways where i'm like, hey, somebody needs to teach these people to be nice. Then also, like, if I ever have to watch a training video, I'm like, this is the lamest shit on earth. Yeah. And so, but hey, he put the mask on and. Dude, I got a pizza. It was nice. I got a pizza at Pauly G's and Pauly G's is not doing indoor.

Right. Service. Right. So the only thing they're doing is just carry out. Yeah. I went to pick up the pizza. This chick, she opens the door. I'm just at the front.

And I'm like, hey, how are you? And she's like, hi. And then she did this thing with her finger where she went in a circle of like. I would have walked away. Where she was like, let's go. Yeah. And I was like, I put it in order for Kaderna. And she's like, all right. And i was like i put it in order for kaderna and she's like all right and i'm like how busy can you be to the point where she's like let's speed this up i'm

like you have well i already paid for the pizza because also you can't call online you can't call and be like hello i'd like to get this order you call it goes to a voice message of like here's how you can order if you want to order through facebook it's this if it's this so then they have chow now which i don't know what the fuck that is and then the order through chow now you have to get a chow now account and all this and then you show up and she's like yeah let's go and i'm like for what what are you doing there's zero customers and also there's no line behind me just and like yeah i hate becoming that guy just like these kids today but i'm like i'm like hey what why are you giving me the like let's speed it up because i wasn't like man some weather today huh you excited for the ravens i was

just like hey how are you she's like yeah let's God damn. I mean, I know she's a hero right now, but I wonder if at Thanksgiving her parents give her that let's speed it up thing in terms of her life. Like, let's get a real job. Hey, what are we doing with that art degree? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we going to speed that up? What's up with that 401k? Does a 401 exist? exactly yeah um it's uh yeah wild very wild i don't think yeah i don't think i've had any other like customer service stuff the one kid

so eventually they did send somebody at lowes to like help me get the shit in the van um because i was with my dad so but he's also like he's gonna be 65 this year and he's like i don't want to lift this thing like yeah but i also don't want to risk it and it was so funny the kid they sent out i think you could tell he was just like very socially awkward and it also took like 50 times of the cashier to be like can we get help at the at the door we need to and so this kid showed up he's like like not making eye contact he's like so you want me you want me to live yeah and i'm like yeah if you could he's like and like damn you end up being very nice oh that's good you tip up no you're not supposed you're not supposed to oh i don't know i

don't know no because i mean that's also part of the job like if you sell stuff that weighs a hundred pounds you don't assume that somebody's just gonna yeah that's true that's true you know i mean i guess i could have tipped them but i don't know that's my first time being at lowe's having to get something like that yeah well that's the thing too it's like i remember growing up and like my mom and my friends moms or dads whatever like they would bitch out people oh i've never done that it's like dude i remember this chick that used to babysit me we got mcdonald's one time and i guess like the lettuce or whatever like the iceberg lettuce was a little off a little wilted and like i guess she kept saying rotten and she got so pissed to the point where she called

mcdonald's and started yelling at like calling me i remember being a seven-year-old child and be like oh this lady's a fucking psycho first of all if you ever call mcdonald's you should i didn't even know you could call mcdonald's to complain because i just thought like we all agreed like we're probably gonna get shit service shit also you should be but it's cheap and they banked on they're like if you call mcdonald's to complain about your garbage yeah you feel embarrassed yeah and shocker no shocker this woman her daughter got pregnant at 14 had another kid at 16 she called mcdonald's ran out of this it's just like oh you guys are like white trash like

who calls mcdonald's and yells at 16 year olds that's crazy about their garbage food yeah they're like bitch do you think we farm this lettuce and we chose to put this lettuce on this burger like it's an assembly line we get paid shit yeah yelling at people who don't give it shows up on a truck yeah it's like let me talk to the 16 year old that filled out this cisco order like what are you talking about excuse me is this gmo lettuce who is this the manager yeah like so yeah and then my like friends moms and my mom like i would just complain all the time to customer service people at like never do that like yeah yeah that's see that's that's my thing too where it's like Israel, like everybody has to serve in the army, I think for two years.

Yeah. I think everybody in America should have to do a service industry job. Oh, yeah. Like at least a year of it. You know, have people like snap at people. Oh, yeah, dude. I used to get yelled at when I worked,

like I just worked at cash register. At Sam Goody. At Sam Goody. And I used to get yelled at. Yeah. And I remember one time this lady yelled at me. And I was like, it was like Christmas time. So the line would be to the back of the store.

And you'd be like, I'm trying. I was on a register where like the check machine didn't work. Also, it's like 2009. So like no one writes checks. Really? Yeah. You're kind of at the end of checks. It's all credit cards.

It's all cards. you're at the tail end of checks that's the last gas my check machine was broken so this woman wanted to write a check and i was like oh i'm sorry ma'am as soon as he frees up with this what was she buying just a bunch of cds and i was like as soon as uh doesn't that sound so old-fashioned it's only 11 years ago she was like i'd like to buy these compact discs with a check, please. And she was like, and so I told her, I was like, oh, my check machine doesn't work. Yeah. I'll take you once he gets rid of these people.

And I'll take the next people in line. And she was just like, this is ridiculous. And I was like, and I remember I got mad. I was like, what do you want? Do you want me to fix it personally? Do you think I know how to fix it? I didn't break it. I don't know how to fix it, lady.

You just got to wait a little bit. Lady. And she was like, where's your manager? She got like 20% off her stuff. But it's just like, dude, go fuck yourself, lady. You're yelling. You're like, this is ridiculous. It's like, yeah, you think we don't know it sucks to have whatever broken,

but this is what it is, bitch. Also, yeah, it's not like i'm not intentionally fixing the check machine yeah well yeah i don't think i've ever yelled or complained yeah oh definitely not even then even like if i get bad service i'm like i'm gonna show them what for and give them 15 yeah i'd go 20 just fuck it like i always do that a day sure sure but even 50 i mean it has to be like it has to be very bad like a dick that's what i'm saying it has to be like very bad to the point where they're just like i don't care you know like okay yeah but i just remember like oh this like yelling at a mcdonald's employee like the lettuce is rotten it's like yeah bitch it's mcdonald's yeah otherwise would it be healthy

also take the lettuce off it doesn't add to the experience and here's the thing my guy iceberg lettuce has zero nutritional value yeah do you need the crunch that bad on that garbage that you're eating too yeah yeah that's just somebody with an out-of-control life trying to have some form of control. Yeah, it's like, you paid $5 for a whole meal. Yeah. What do you think you get? As they're sipping their sugar water, they're like, ew, I was going to eat rotten lettuce? I don't think so.

Can I have another fry? Like, what are you? Who cares? I know. Who absolutely cares? All right, good note to go out on. Good note. Good note. Everybody, go buy some right. Good note to go out on. Good note. Good note.

Everybody, go buy some property, will you? Please. Yeah. Hartford Vineyard, I'm sorry. Hey, it might not have been your fault. I think other people got dirty and political. I think you added to it. Yeah, you were absolutely a part of it.

People made fun of Trump after me, so I'm good. But yeah, thank you to everybody for listening. Tell a friend if you like to talk. Tell a friend. Please. We're here. We're gay. We're here. We're gay. It's okay. We're going to everybody for listening. Tell a friend if you like to talk. Tell a friend. Please. We're here. We're gay. We're here.

We're gay. It's okay. We're going to get in trouble. Yeah. Get some property. Yeah. Hit us up on Instagram. And yeah, it's so fun to hear from people too.

Yeah, please. Let us know what you think. Only positive. Don't go negative. Yeah, don't have to go negative. Don't tell us our lettuce is wilted. All right? Yes.

Just eat the fast food that is this yeah this is a free yes pot this is worse than mcdonald's it's free and we're getting better about getting it out every monday i think too so yes so but yeah that said we do really appreciate everybody that's listening and yeah we'll talk to you guys next week uh all right have a good one you