The Digression Sessions - Ep. 332 - Baby Killers

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are back together but podding from a distance on Umar's porch talking the election and balloons for a while. Also We Recorded This Before They Announced Pennsylvania Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

70 70 well in pretty much the rest of the week love it damn take that uh liberals november 70s i feel like it's like this every year, though. I know. I'm always just like, oh, man. I don't know. It's pretty warm in November. It's never like this. I say that every year.

So I'm like, I think it's just warm in November. Well, as soon as October hit, Karen's like, should we take the AC windows? I was like, the AC units out the window? I was like, no. We took them out last weekend. Yeah. Yeah. Still, we had some pretty crazy humid days where you had to turn them on.

Yeah. And yeah, that's pretty much all that's happening in the world. It's just it's a little warmer. Yeah. And that's kind of nice not to worry about. The holidays are coming. COVID's back. COVID's back, baby.

And better than ever. This comes out on Monday. I don't think we'll know who won the election oh we won't still probably we're doing this on a saturday yeah and nothing's changed since wednesday um yeah i was talking to my buddy jason last night he said he saw on the news in like nevada that like the um the ballot counters were just like all right well we're done for the day and they still like i had 125 000 to count i'm like you're done why don't you just fucking like i also don't get like what is up like people have to hand count ballots i think so yeah well because if they're written right dude why isn't everyone just doing electronic i don't know yeah when i went that was an option

it was like you can either fill it out or do the electronic one it was like yeah i'll just do the electronic well it's funny because karen and i we went together on friday morning like early vote yeah and we went to uh the community college down the street i couldn't wait to vote for kanye personally oh i had to get out there i didn't see him on the the you have to write him in of course but but all good things take a little more effort we get there and like it's so like voting um as easy as it is it's like it's still like i just hate like the little annoyances like yeah when you get out of your car like dude three people ran up to us and we're like trying to i was like no i don't want anything and And they're, like, yelling at us. Like, shoot, she's a teacher. She works, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, I don't. Do you think I'm going to change my mind? Right? And then, like, who are these people that want to do that stuff? Like, I can't imagine the person who wants to stand outside of a voting place and hold signs. Imagine believing in a candidate that much. Seriously. I couldn't imagine throwing my support

for someone like that publicly i'm like god bless you but uh yeah there there was only one woman that was doing that when i went um but where i went i think we went to the same place the community college gym or whatever yes yeah so when i did like i pulled in and the people up front were like okay if you're going to vote just go all the way to the back there and i was like all right then there was a parking garage and i was like i'm just gonna go around the parking garage i did the same thing there was like five cars and i heard a guy yell and i was like i might not be able to do this but whatever it's fine um and then i parked and then i was in line and the parking uh security guy came over he's like hey are you driving the black prius and i'm like yes obviously um and uh he's like

he's like you're really you're jamming me up because you're supposed to go in the garage the way you went is in a one way and where you're parked i know it's not marked but all of this is handicapped and i'm like okay so then like he made me turn it like go get back in the car and he was nice about like you could tell he was a little annoyed but it's also like he's like kind of like i know you don't know he's gonna be doing that all he's probably been doing that all week all week and then yeah it's just like constant like cars coming he's like okay you here you and then so then when i went back in the parking garage he's like all right you know and then so then when i went back in the parking garage he's like all right you know what i'm gonna do for you even though you're jamming me up

and you kind of mess me up a little bit i'll let you park right here and then ironically he told me to park in an actual handicap spot he's like you're gonna be in and out right i was like i guess i don't determine how fast i go i think i would just hang i'm gonna grab a coffee and hang yeah see what's up with everybody. So, yeah, I parked there. And then on the way out, he was very nice. I was like, thank you. And he's like, all right, man.

Gave me like a fist bump. And I was like, cool. And then what did he say? He's like, just tell me you're having fun up there. I was like, to who? Who am I telling? Like, hey, that was a good time. So we go.

And then before you walk in, this lady has to give us a spiel. Like, ask us, like, did you have symptoms? Blah, blah you did you have symptoms blah blah oh yeah our woman uh she was saying that and then i was just i couldn't hear a word she was saying yeah and then i just go and then um and then it's so funny because she's like and god bless you all and it's just so it's cute it's nice yeah but it's just funny like at a polling place like yeah that someone would say that but i also work in schools where we have christmas trees sure and they're christmas they're called christmas trees and the pledge of allegiance where it's like you say under god oh yeah and i don't give a shit like oh of course i'm just like if this is what most people here do like yeah our school is like a hot almost

100 people who believe in christianity christianity yeah christianity christianity and uh christianish oh so we go in yeah and uh the lady asked us uh she's like do you want to do paper or electronic yeah and karen's like what are you gonna do i'm like i'm gonna do electronic she's like all right i guess i'll do that yeah and then uh they only have like four electronic booths yep and uh dude we because we went early yeah all old people yeah it was taking so long and i'm just staring at all these empty paper ballot i know and i'm just like can we change our mind and it's just so funny because like we have to stand there for like seven minutes and i was like right this fucking sucks oh and i was just like antsy. I'm like, let's just go change.

Yeah, and some countries, people are like, can we have a newspaper? They're like, no. Yeah, some countries, people are just worried about being killed while they're waiting in line to vote. Just for existing. Yeah, and I'm just like, man, my coffee in my car is getting cold. Oh, babe, my coffee is good. This day is the worst. Yeah. I waited in line for like two and a half hours to vote for Obama in, I think, the second time he ran.

It was like crazy turnout for early voting. Oh, yeah. I think the only time it really took me a while was in the primary, I think, the last time in 2016. Or maybe I early voted 2016 and that took a while um i don't get people who don't early vote yeah like why i saw on facebook everyone's like uh-huh so how long are the line i'm like bitch who cares go get in line also literally yeah you have over a week to do it and they're open all day yeah i know people are election day should still be a holiday i think but 100 um it's crazy it's not yeah it's insane and literally like they'll say stuff like they'll be like well i

don't know if we want everybody to vote like trump actually said if everybody voted we'd never win an election again yeah he's like republicans don't like that yeah they're like whoa oh but speaking of like the god bless thing like the people are working at these polling stations it's so like it's so nice of them to do it but the woman that i had to check in with where you have to like give your name and your address and stuff she had her mask below her nose and oh yes and i'm like god blessed you but could you lift that thing up oh dude we had a woman uh she i guess like her cousin came up and he was sitting behind me and k in the electronic line. And yeah, she just took her mask off, had a full conversation with him.

And she even said, I can't breathe in this mask. I'm like, well, you should not be working here. No, no, no, no. And again, God bless you. You're doing the Lord's work. Really appreciate the effort. Fucking crazy. Yeah, and then it was on the way out.

I don't know if you saw this, too, but there were a bunch of people throwing away Republican ballots. So that was cool. Yeah, I took a couple myself. Yeah, I did too. It was like, it's a nice little like keepsake, you know? You know? So that's nice.

It's fucking crazy. I was listening to This American Life this morning while I was doing laundry. Sounds about right. Yeah, I couldn't sleep, man. Oh oh because we rocked too hard last night too hard last night but also um but the real reason the real i think i've just been like uh checking my phone so much like oh yeah refreshing npr updates new york times and blah blah blah, blah. Yeah. And anyway, I was listening to NPR, and this older black woman was saying how she is one of the ballot counters in Michigan. And she said when they were counting ballots, all these Trump people stormed where they're counting ballots and yelling at people. Yeah. and like yelling at people yeah and even some of the other poll workers who were republicans were

like what party are you and like like harassing people counting back because like you can have people like oversee the counting poll watchers yeah and it's like these are like white people white trump people in a like all black district sure yelling at like poll counters and then she said like people were outside with guns. Like, you know, they shut up with their AKs and all this shit. And people were climbing on windows and banging,

like climbing the wall to like, and it's just like, I mean like, yeah, it's fucking insane. That's fun too, because it's all like, Trump's always saying like Biden is,

uh, all he's doing is just kowtowing or like he's giving in to the antifa liberal mob and it's like you're the one with actual mobs dude i know nobody no biden supporters like climbing the walls like you fucking count them we're all just tweeting like thank you keep counting you know like what what are you talking about did you see the video of the women that were praying outside of one of the polling place or like the voting no like i saw a picture of a man yeah on the ground crying oh i like that yeah but yeah it was um yeah it was like these women with their uh maga hats on

and they're like please lord send your energy into this place to rid it of this evil blah blah blah just let him count the fucking things like what are you afraid of that's crazy yeah there's zero evidence of voter fraud yeah zero stop with god guys it's just can we just all come together and just realize yeah that is not real yeah it's really it's weird. But I think, is it most people just get into it when it's just their last thing? You know what I mean? That's why I feel like you hit rock bottom and you're like, this isn't rock bottom actually because the Lord has me. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing too.

People always say like, God had a plan for me. And I'm like, why does God's plan always involve like heroin? Yeah. You know, sucking dick for drugs. It's quite the plan. plan for me and i'm like why does god's plan always involve like heroin yeah you know sucking dick for drugs it's quite the plan is that a godly plan god's like hear me out okay you are gonna steal all your kids money and shoot it up your arm yeah this is the plan all right listen you're gonna have a train run on you by a gang yeah four times before you accept me into your life and here's the thing you might not hate it you gotta accept this train before you accept me into your life. And here's the thing, you might not hate it. You gotta accept this train

before you accept me, okay? It's like, damn. That's the plan? God's just like, hey man, I'm fucking bored up here. I work in mysterious... I'm the smartest guy ever. Forever. Well, smartest lady. Show some respect. That's true. God is the lady.

Umar, your misogyny is showing. Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry. that's even funnier too it's like god's a woman it's like well she's not doing great either i know yeah um yeah so i don't i don't know man it's it's weird like i'll get updates from like vox and stuff like on my on my phone you know like you get like a washington post update or whatever um and like vox which is very like left-leaning but vox will be like literally the update was like joe biden wins election and i'm like what are you sure and then like i'll look at like washington post and like it's still too close and i'm like what are we doing like some people are like it's done he won and other people

like well i don't know like new york times won't call arizona but fox news will call arizona news associate associated press called it right but i'm saying like new york times i know too close and i'm like what are we i think they wanted they don't want to repeat uh 2000 um did you did you listen to uh the daily yeah podcast about 2000. No, uh, the most recent one, I think it was the one on Friday. Oh yeah. About the lies. Yeah. But I,

what I love the story in there was, um, Trump was having like a viewing party at the white house, like 400 people there, uh, 200. Um, but yeah,

so they're watching the results come in and then they're watching Fox news, obviously. But when Fox news News called Arizona, Jared Kushner literally called Rupert Murdoch. I know. Isn't that the ultimate talk to the manager? It's like, I'm sorry, this is Arizona one. Well, they're all just like ridding themselves of this guy. You know, they're like.

Jesus. Wow. Speaking of complaining to the manager karen came home making a lot of noise damn we're just trying just a couple of straight males trying to podcast can you take that away from him yeah yeah because he was outside i gave cob my dog a bone so he would not whine. Just like God, Umar works in mysterious ways. That's true.

Well, I mean, out here he won't... Because usually he eats his bones and they make this insane mess and it's just all over our goddamn floor. I clean it up. Wow. Just kidding, Karen. Welcome to the domestic dispute portion of the podcast. Karen does not like cleaning.

Well, we got to clean up America. Hey, yeah. Clean up these fucking folks. We're going to do it. Damn, there was something else I wanted to talk about, and I'm totally blanking. Oh, this has nothing to do with elections, but I don't think I talked about this last time, but Ickybin. Oh, here we go. Local complaint session.

Let's come to the Baltimore business corner where we... Trash. It's really our gripe corner. It's our business gripes. Yes, exactly. But this one has a happy ending. Oh, they jerked you off. Yes. You complained so much. Hey, I mean, Yes, exactly. But this one has a happy ending. Oh, they jerked you off. Yes.

You complain so much. Hey, I mean, hey, Korea. Whoa. Is it Korean? I don't know. Iggy Bin is like they make bao buns. Yeah, I don't know. It's funny because they took over a spot that used to be called...

Tiger Style. Tiger Style, which I have riffed a joke on stage like because tiger style is like they dub themselves hip-hop asian food and then you walk in there it's just all white kids yeah making your food and so i had a joke on stage where i was like uh i was like their tagline is like you ever wonder what fast and the furious taste tokyo drift tastes like yes um and i'm just getting news in my ear uh that bao buns are chinese oh okay well i don't know if these guys are well whatever they went to umbc so they must be chinese uh literally those are the rules yeah umbc stands for uh there's so many asian people at umbc they make fun of it they say

it stands for you must be chinese anyway Yeah. Shane Gillis said that. Not us. Yeah. Shane Gillis. So they did this like pop-up thing where they're like, hey, we're making noodles and dumplings, which they don't usually do. Yeah. And Karen's like, I want this.

I'm like, all right. So I ordered it. I got a couple things. Yeah. I got a couple things of noodles and whatever, an order of dumplings. So the menu went live at 4 o'clock. Our order was confirmed at 4.07 or something. Okay.

And so then it said it would take like an hour for order to be ready we're like all right cool so then karen gets there there's like a line of like a hundred people jesus and it's raining and it's cold so karen's just like i don't know i'm just gonna wait my car for a little bit until like it gets closer to our order time and then dude she's so then she gets out of her car. There's still like 50 people there. Damn. And Karen goes inside like, oh, what's your order number?

And she was like this. And they were like, it'll be like 10 more minutes. But like 20 minutes go by, 30 minutes. Now she's been there for over an hour. For some noodles. And then they come out and they tell everyone that they're sold out. Whoa. And then she already paid for it online, right?

Yeah, I paid for it. And we got a confirmation order. Sold out. I think they just, you know, they completely fucked up. Damn. And so the next, and then we were just like, God, this sucks. Because we were so hungry and we were just like waiting. And she was really looking forward to it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because then, yeah, you're frustrated because you're hungry a and then you're disappointed yeah it's very annoying and then uh so the next day i'm like you know what i and this is like we're like this is i think like you get old i remember being young and going to like stores and like yeah parents like when they asked to speak to dude i've seen my mom and my friend's moms like yell whoa and store managers so much like it's crazy and then it's just like to think about like when you get older because when you're young you're like oh she's yelling at an adult yeah

but then you're like oh no that person's like 17 years old yeah yeah they do not give a fuck i've never seen my dad yell but i've seen him be shitty to people. No, not yell, but be shitty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just have an attitude when they're talking. Right, right. And I remember being yelled. I'm like, who gives a shit? Right.

Oh, man. And then you're just so embarrassed. You're like, I'm just going to check out these Kit Kats here. You're like, oh, this is nice. Yeah, and all the star magazine and stuff like that bad boys back huh and now like also as an adult i'm like what could you possibly be upset about that much with like a store employee well listen you've paid for a service yeah um but i guess back then i think returns weren't as easy as they are now. True. I think every store now is like, no questions asked.

I'm going to have to cancel my check and rebalance my checkbook. Yeah. Dude, I used to fucking like, or I'll still do this. I'm like, if I need something like, I don't know, like when I did this roast where I had to dress up as a wrestler, I went and bought a toy belt at Target, and they just return it because they take back everything no questions i've done that with like clothing like it's crazy person return meat to target hey they're like yeah and they're like yeah and it was i think they got like burgers or something they're like well there's a couple

out they're like yeah we didn't want them anymore they're like okay yeah you can return dude it's great like yeah i've done this i do this i used to do this all the time here's a nice hack everybody oh life hack i like these sony headphones they're like the only headphones that stay in my ears when i run but they i use them so much and they're probably cheap they cost like 20 bucks they would break like i would go through the one like every four months yeah buy a new pair put your old pair in the packaging and return it right okay i'm not paying for headphones there you go it's fucking tight that is tight yeah very nice um yeah speaking of

complaints so i hung out with my dad um wednesday or thursday um his stomach has been like really messed up and uh i think i talked about it before where i'm just like because he'll just like eat tons of meat and stuff and like no veg literally say like i don't like vegetables it's like dealing with like a kid and like you just have some broccoli he's like josh i'm never gonna eat broccoli i'm like just eat it's like two seconds of like ew this tastes bad and then it's good for you like it clears you out they call it the broom of the intestines. That's crazy. But, oh, anyway. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.

I was going to say. So we went to Golden West. So he's been coming around. He's been eating salads. And he's eating just little, little portions. You took your dad to Golden West? Yeah. So, well, at the carryout window.

Hold on. Just to like, your dad is so old school. Yes. He doesn't like frou-frou-y stuff. No. He doesn't like new takes on stuff. Yes. He doesn't like frou-frou-y stuff. No. He doesn't like new takes on stuff. No. And he doesn't like overly like...

Artistic. Yeah, artisanal bullshit. Artisanal and then also like, here's my take on the steak and cheese. Yeah. It's like served in a croissant now. And he's like, what? If a burger costs more than like 10 bucks,

he's going to be upset about it. So I was like, I was like, maybe and he's like what burger costs more than like 10 bucks yes he's gonna be upset about it so i was like i was like maybe because he was like we should get like real fun like maybe we should just go to like golden west and they have like a vegan sandwich for you because i'm just like just eat like some vegetables and so i got him like a veggie chicken patty and which he was open to he's like all right i'll try it but i was like i'm gonna get him the barbecue one and then i got the buffalo one for myself and then uh we get back to my house and what do they have in there two buffalo sandwiches and he hates spicy shit and i was like god so he was very nice to eat it but when we were at the window they have all those like donuts and stuff in there he's like oh what are these and i was like oh these those donuts and stuff in there. It's like, ooh, what are these? And I was like, oh, these are donuts.

And they got cakes and shit. And so we got this big ass strawberry cheesecake donut made by Little Fig. Not good. It was really good. And also, the people working the window are like children. They're like a 17-year-old girl. And he's like, oh, let's get the donut. And he gives me a 10 to pay for it and i only give him back like two dollars he's like how much was the donut she's like oh

it's 650 plus tax well blah he's like no fucking donut should be worth like you know what a hundred percent i understand but i'm also like she didn't make it she's not the owner just like chill out yeah those are the things like they don't like you just learn to keep that shit and he's like that's crazy i'm like i know but it's a fucking vegan donut made by some lady with the best product like settle down it is funny to live in a neighborhood where like half the neighborhood is like you know like junkies and tweaking yes and they're just walking past eight dollar donuts eight dollar vegan donuts but yeah i was thinking about getting my dad just that like a vegan chicken sandwich and not telling him.

Did you ever see that Chris Farley sketch where they're like, sir, you don't know this, but we replaced your regular coffee with decaffeinated coffee. Did you ever see that sketch? No. He like flips out. Chris Farley's like, I'll kill you. I'll kill all of you. And I was thinking that's a map. That's like every Chris Farley sketch like, I'll kill you. I'll kill all of you. And I was thinking that's a map. That's like every Chris Farley sketch.

Yeah, exactly. This is where Chris Farley yells and breaks stuff. But it's so good, especially because his face. He's like, uh-huh. Yeah. And just the face. He's like, you did what? Yeah, pretty much you can't take your dad to anything in Hamden

except for like the corner stores. His favorite sandwich in Hamden is the royal farms chicken sandwich yes well that's a good sandwich it is a good sandwich yeah i like the cheese steak at bella roma's not bad yeah he's had that which is decent but no like this is the same guy that called me and was like josh i just had the best fucking pizza i ever had in my life and i'm like oh my god where like i thought he went to like a new spot in his neighborhood yeah he's like little caesar's hot and ready pizza it's the best pizza i've ever had never heard of the chain little caesars no he's had it before but he was just like their new like hot and ready and then like there's no way no fucking way it's so funny that's the best pizza i've ever had in

my life like okay damn but yeah he's doing a little better which is good yeah but uh oh anyway the ikiben yeah oh yeah yeah so then the next day i'm like they refunded us our money like right away we didn't have to ask obviously and yeah that's cool but the next day i was like you know what this is kind of bullshit like yeah you were in line for two hours in the rain and cold like they need to do a little better than refund you because like hey dude time is money you know i'm a republican now yeah time is yeah money and it's you know like hey man we should get a fucking free meal or something because if i and dude if i would have stood in line for two hours i would not say anything but like oh inside the

things that i'm saying in my head yeah yeah but i would just be like that it's not cool like you guys fucked up majorly and so i was like you know what i'm gonna write them an email it's yeah they should also also know like when you're doing that like we have a limited supply and like yeah but everyone makes an honest mistake oh sure sure sure but that's just bad planning i know and i was like thinking about it and i told karen i was like yeah i'm gonna write an email to them and not be like shitty but just be like hey listen like we stood outside i know you refunded us our money but subject line your bad yeah i don't i think like how i feel is justified um i i know corona it's a shitty time but it's like i it's crazy but you guys fucking icky to give up two hours of your night and not

have any like it's weird it's yeah it's uh it's an unsettling i mean i was inside unsettling yeah i think it's crazy that like you stand you you have a confirmation order you gave someone your money yeah and then like i understand it's a mistake but like you got to make it right do you feel like they eeky bent you over and fucked you yes yes and uh but thank god i didn't send the email because they sent me an email saying like we're so sorry i have dumplings on us nice so karen goes picks up dumplings not only they just give us dumplings they gave us our whole order that we had ordered that night for completely free nice so uh worked out shout out shout out to ikiben they make great food and they really do good service i might go get a sandwich today i haven't had anything to learn from this it's like Nice. So, worked out. Shout out to Ike. Shout out to Ike. They make great food. They really do.

Good service. I might go get a sandwich today. I haven't had Ike in a minute. But the thing to learn from this, it's like, I was like, I'm glad I waited to let them make it right before being a bitch and like, oh, excuse me? Yeah. Because that would have been like the ultimate high road, too, if you're like, oh, this is not fair. And actually, I feel unsettled.

Yeah. I would never say I feel unsettled and they're like well i would never say i feel i would just be like ah it's kind of fucked up or something i don't know i don't know how i'm picturing that that email it's like an e and a bunch of h's like yeah i haven't i haven't had anything really shitty since, like, I got pizza from, what the fuck's it called? Bellaroma? No, Bellaroma. I love Bellaroma. Not King's.

Billy's Best? The other hoity-toity one by Charmery. Oh, boy. Why am I blanking? The one where they imported their bricks from Italy? Yes. Yes, I can't remember their name. Yeah, why am I blanking on that too?

But yeah, when I got up to the window, this, and they have no indoor dining, but, and I already ordered my pizza ahead of time and there's a chick working the window and I was like, hi, how are you? And she did this thing where like you'd take your finger and spin it in a circle of like, keep it moving. Let's pick it up. And I'm not like, there's no line. There's no, you don't.

And I'm like, wow. Like, yeah, so I ordered on lunch. She's like, uh-huh. Like, what the fuck? How old is this woman? I don't know. Well, listen. Dude, I would have just asked for a refund.

I eeky bent her over. That's insane. Pauly G's. And I get it. It sucks working right now for you like in the rest in the service industry i said poly jesus woman show some respect polygese yes there you go that's what i said oh okay poly jesus yeah i know that's come on uh this is why i do this is why i like to support local chains see in that's. See, in that moment, it's like you should say something.

I also don't care, though. Right. It's like it's our- Not should, but if you did say something, you're not a- Yes. You're not wrong. Not out of line. But yeah, it's also like I don't care.

And I'm sure she's going to get a comeuppance in some way. It's like if you're rude in that moment, I'm sure you're rude in other ways too like in other facets of your life and you're gonna get some type of talking to like i don't have to be the guy either it's like excuse me in that like whatever i i remember like i don't think i like i've ever really gotten mad because i kind of like i always just get like when people yell at me when i'm at work i just think it's hilarious like i get yelled at all the time yeah my parents i think it's hilarious right it's like you know it's well well i don't want to say that publicly but sure like i remember i would get yelled at a lot like when i was like uh when i worked in retail and i just never cared like i would never argue back with anybody because like to me it's like if you're yelling

at someone who's working at a party city and they're clearly a child yes like i was 15 years old yeah yelling at me because like your balloons again i get hey look they may gave us money they put an order in yeah and fulfill it yeah dude and the i mean the bitch fits people and then like this would happen all the time where like yeah people would order balloons like put in an order for like a hundred balloons yeah and someone would forget like and like we just forget to do it yeah so then they would call like every fucking employee we'd be over there and fulfilling this order in front of them. And to not only blow up balloons, but then tie them and string them and then have to do that in front of an angry customer is so unnerving. I was thinking about that with the people counting the votes, too. It annoyed me when I worked at Paper moon to like make food in front of people

and have them like just watch me make a quesadilla yeah can you imagine somebody with a gun being like count the votes count them right honestly though i'll say this way easier to count ballots and blow up balloons a hundred percent i will fucking we support balloon if you put an ak to my face i will much i would much rather in both scenarios if you had an ak to my face, I would much rather, in both scenarios, if you had an AK in my face, I would much rather be counting votes than blowing up balloons. Blowing up balloons is so much fucking work. I never want to see balloons ever in my life again. The hottest take. Yeah.

Dude, I swear to God, if a ballot worker complained to me, I'd be like, yeah, you want to blow up 150 balloons in 10 minutes? Yeah. Dude, I swear to God, if a ballot worker complained to me, I'd be like, yeah, you're going to blow up 150 balloons in 10 minutes in front of an angry woman? With strings, too? Huh? Yeah. Spider-Man balloons? Oh, and then some of them you got to do the thing with the scissors where you run it through. Oh, yeah, to make it curly. To make it curly.

It's fucking. And it's also like, this is all garbage. This is going to be pollution. Yeah. Also, there's like a helium shortage now. So there's a limit on how many balloons you can have. A helium shortage? Yeah.

I'll be damned. Also, I don't think, if you have balloons now at your wedding, you're trash. Oh, interesting. Balloons are not ever at a wedding. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think of it. But they used to be like, they used to like...

Oh, be on like the tables and stuff? Or like line a thing? Even birthday. No one needs balloons. Balloons stink, dude. Balloons fucking suck. I like a balloon. I don't like balloons.

Oh, yeah, you had balloons in your house the other day. I did, yeah, for a little birthday celebration. But yeah, that's also just blow up by hand. I think balloons are listen i think they're festive i think they're bad i think they're fun i hate balloons i hate um halloween costumes man i uh and also just like like how garbage they are too you know like it's all this bullshit from china you and you're just like you're like i don't know how we've never like remember like for a while like toys from china were like an issue because there was like lead

paint they use like lead paint on them something like that yeah yeah i was like man how like back in the day like how many halloween costume like masks and shit like oh all of it toxic i mean even still like the fucking tupperware and shit like that that we put our food in and water bottles and everything else um that was a fun speaking of china that was a fun thing we were talking about last night of like iphones and stuff it's like how can it be so expensive if slaves are making i know and then you're like yeah it's crazy that like like that i can barely like i don't know what's more sad that slaves are still making stuff or that i can barely afford what slaves make you know what i like like like twelve hundred dollars

my next life i hope i'm a chinese slave yeah i'd be rich i mean it's absurd like it's i'm like who's like we're both i'm so much closer to being that person than a rich person so sad yeah um but yeah that's also too while they're like apple has 750 billion dollars cash on hand it's like yeah because they're making slaves make the product and then people like me and you're like, oh, I'll pay $1,200. I know. Imagine if they made phones here. It would be like five grand. It'd be like you'd have to like fucking get them like a bank loan.

Yeah. Buy a phone. Yeah. But even now, I like doing like the monthly payments and stuff. Do you think people would do that if they had like an ethical option phone? If it was like you knew it was made in america have stuff like that because like really because not only is this like the well it's not technically slave labor but like whatever we call it's like um what do they call sweatshop yeah whatever

that exploit exploitative labor and then the conflict minerals. Yes. Not great. Every piece of electronic. Your laptop, your iPad. Uses minerals that were mined in Africa. Probably people doing it against their will. Yeah, and children probably.

And children, yeah. And governments were overthrown. Sorry, I'm getting up. Companies in Europe. Sorry, I was looking at a funny video on TikTokiktok on my slave labor phone sorry okay so uh you know also like uh i don't know corporations in europe and america will pay militias to overthrow governments in africa so then they can have access to uh these mining places anyway whoa where'd you get your uh talking points over there uh bernie sanders yeah but also like a very famous documentary on

netflix yeah but you watch that uh i don't think so but yeah i've known about that we did that in south america all the time yeah hey any anybody that was like any person that's like, hey, actually, all these corporations in America that are taking all of our natural resources, we should make them fucking pay more for them. We should nationalize. And they're like, interesting. Well, the CIA is on their way. Like, literally, that happened. They're like, actually, we should take, like, Guatemala is like, I think our coffee should be ours. They're like, you know what?

You should shut the fuck up. Yeah, it's crazy. I mean the cia will just go to like other countries and yeah we did it in iran too we did it in a bunch of places they like killed leaders and plane crashes and stuff it's nuts oh of course uh but yeah that's also the thing that like the about trump too where it's like he gets stuff right but not for the right reason you know what i mean where it's just like well we've done bad stuff it's like yeah but also what, but not for the right reason. You know what I mean? Where it's just like, well, we've done bad stuff. It's like, yeah, but also what are you going to do about it? Like nothing. You know what I mean?

Like what's your point? Like he only says that to be like, well, we should leave Russia alone then. It's like. I know. Do you see him comparing himself to Jesus? No. I love that. You didn't hear that?

Oh, dude. So he was like talking to. I love that though. This is like right before the election. He went when he went to Florida. And I was like. Oh, like this was like a week ago. Yeah. Oh, saying.

Yeah. Like last weekend, I think he said he's like, you know, some people say to me. And it's like, first of all, no one's saying you're making this up. Yeah. That's one of my favorite friends. It's like you don't have. That's one of my favorite things. Like, I hope he does that, like with Melania while he's hanging hanging out. Just the two of them in a room.

He's like, listen, a lot of people are saying you're being a bitch right now. It's like, what people? And so he was on stage. A lot of people say to me, you're the most famous person in the world. And he's like, nah, nah, I'm not. And you've got to go YouTube this clip because he sounds deranged. And he's like, no, no, no. And I'm like, you know who the most famous person is?

The big man. Jesus Christ. And then the crowd goes nuts. So he's saying he's the second most famous. Just below. He's right there with Jesus, but not above. I think the Trump campaign released that clip with heroic music in the background, too. Because he's like he's like no no

no you know it is the big man the big man upstairs when i heard the clip with music i thought like people did that to make fun of it yeah like it the music makes it worse yeah god dude well it's so corny and like all those people are so full of shit too like the guy that's been married three times cheated on his wife with a porn star like evangelicals are like yeah he's chosen by god it's not that they're yeah but it's i was thinking about this a lot because like i have this friend who i've known for a long time like we i've known him since i was funny you sound like trump now you're like listen a lot of people and i know this one guy a friend he recently said to me umar you're like jesus yeah like i think i met him when i was in fifth grade or sixth grade and he's a really like it was a really cool kid but he just was never good at school he i think

he i don't even know if he did pass high school if he did he barely passed high school oh he did pass high school but he barely passed like i remember me and him god i hope he doesn't listen to this um yeah fuck it you know what who cares i thought he's probably too dumb to download a fucking podcast me and him uh both went to uh the community college together because when you go to community college you have to take um placement tests so they like you have to test into like english 101 and the math courses and all that stuff so uh by the way your your boy who had a 4.0 in college had to take a remedial math class the hell yeah and now you counsel the youth yeah and then well that's what's so funny too it's like when i took this remedial math class math was i was so bad at math all the time yeah i took this class and it was so easy and it's

like oh i just never tried right like i never read a textbook like dude just if you read a textbook yeah you don't have to go to class i mean i went to every class yeah but i was just like why am i sitting here like i learned all of this last night yeah for stuff like that i liked both where it was like you would i think yeah i mean it sounds stupid but i think the idea of teaching would be like okay here's what you learned last night now we're gonna take it a step further in class kind of thing i yeah i had teachers that were really good with math i did well and then i had i took like pre-calculus in community college. And I was like, man, I'm the fucking man.

I'm doing great. And then I got into calculus with like derivatives. And I was like, I'm withdrawing. Yeah, fuck that. Calculus was nuts. I couldn't imagine. But yeah, I was so bad at math. But like I aces.

Oh, and because I was in the remedial math class. Yeah. Oh, 32. We had. I mean, I felt like I was in high school again. It was the behavior in the class was horrific. Yeah. You would have thought you were in like a special ed or something like that.

Special ed. But you know, there's like trailers they have outside of schools you're in one of those you're in a class for kids who are put there because they're bad yeah bad boys like one girl dude like also we had the coolest professor he was this like half asian dude and i could tell he was a runner because uh he would wear like nice clothes we'd always have running shoes on okay and i was like hey man are you like a runner because i always see and he's like yeah i'm training for a marathon so me and him like this connection where we would always talk about running and stuff yeah and we got to like we would like talk right and i was

like oh this guy's like a really cool dude but he's like to people he's like a dork right you know he's like this like asian dude who's really good at math and like he's so soft-spoken and people just got this bitch in my class i wanted to like get up and punch her in the face because she was just like such a bitch like one time her phone rang and he was like hey turn that off she answered it in his face and was just talking and like making fun of him what the fuck and like wouldn't leave the classroom and i just wanted to be like i wanted to turn around like bitch we were all paying for this like this isn't free yeah and but you know she could kick my ass but so and i was also like a very like pretty like yeah reserved at that time but yeah well also too it's wild because you're

like i'm in it is community college but you're like this is college this is next level you don't expect to see shit like that anyway so but when we i went to go take the placement test test that kid came with me and he like was i mean he struggled so much like and at one point he was like umar what's the answer for this and i leaned over and we got in trouble this lady's like hey no helping each other and i was like okay because i like and i'm like a i was like a goody two shoes but i had like i didn't want to let him down yeah but anyway so now fast forward to now this same guy is like q anon conspiracy he thinks he knows more than everybody you don't say and he and he messaged me and he's like how can you not see that they're stealing? And I was like, Tim, oh, whatever.

I was like, dude, everything you're posting is fake. Yeah. You know, like he's posting about Sharpie Gate and he's posting about like the ballots being burned and like all this shit. And it's like from all these crazy news sites that like just started existing. Yeah. And then I realized I was like was like oh like these people really believe this stuff yeah these people like really think that there is like a threat to this country well also because that's how dumb like they're well in it like dude q anon is the best uh k like they make the best case for a free college yeah totally those people like just

don't know how to like they don't understand like research research fact checking it's crazy yeah where the information is coming from yeah um like i'm like you think just because you clicked made a couple of clicks now you know more than everybody yeah and then also it's like how's this not obvious to you i read two sentences from some bullshit that like where it's like even if you watch an hour and a half youtube video which is what they're doing right right which are all made up stuff anyway um but yeah that's exactly what it is where it's it's uh the old thing of ignorance is bliss like it's easy to be like no the president is a good guy and the president likes me and then also he feeds into

this stuff so at the base of that like the most like base understanding is you're like taught the president cares about america and then trump says all that dumb shit of like we gotta love our military the big man upstairs. And listen, I like America. And these people hate America. And they're like, yeah, they do hate it. And so they just take everything at face value. Which is for someone who, if you're into conspiracy theories and you think like, oh, I'm doing my research, blah, blah, blah.

It's like, if you take something that anybody yeah especially a politician says at face value yeah you're so dumb you're already fit like yes yeah you're not smarter than anyone yes it's crazy yeah and it's also people like that couldn't even tell you how the house and the senate work but i fucking know dude but they understand that there's a deep state conspiracy and this is the way that blah blah works and you're like okay so my friend's dad um i'm friends with him on facebook and uh and his family is very like they're they're trump people but his dad is like yeah just you know he's like smart as hell right he's like and it's just so funny he just is he always he's like just watching him own his relatives oh nice it's

hilarious but like i'll chime in every now and then because yeah the shit they post is like maddening yeah and so um he posted something about like trump being a bitch for like whining about you know the election being stolen and uh his like somebody in his family commented uh it's like well you guys just don't do your research you oh you baby killers don't research that's what she referred to like him and like i guess like liberals like as killers yeah and uh and i was like genuine i was like hey can you show me the data and research that you have and then she would just she wouldn't like and then of course no but seriously like then she's like you look it up also show me the data and research that you have? And then she would just, she wouldn't. And then I come like, no, but seriously. And then she's like, you look it up.

Show me the data and research. Also, real quick, Baby Killers is the kids bop version of the band The Killers. Thank you. Thank you. That's a cover. Yeah, it's like a cover band that kids do. Yeah, Baby Killers. Which is funny because they're Mormon.

Shout out to the Baby Killers. The Killers were put together, right? I don't know. Anyway. I don't know. They're a band where I'm like, they suck. And then every time I hear one of their songs, I'm like, this is catchy as hell. Yeah, they're fine.

I like their first two albums are decent. Their second album I thought was really good. It was just a straight up rock album. Yeah, I love the one that says, smile like you mean it. i like that one a lot yeah yeah that was the first one that's a that's a certified banger but anyway yeah so it's yeah i always love that stuff too where they're like no this is it it's like what are your sources it's like you look it up but i kept asking i was like look seriously i'm genuinely curious like what you're seeing like send me your because you're saying you're doing research and fact-checking.

Send me that stuff. Educate me, baby. She couldn't do it. It was crazy. I'm like, so you're saying we don't... I'm like, bitch, I have a master's degree. I've taken more statistics classes than... Most.

Most people in this country, which I still haven't even taken that many which yeah i love to like my history degree was all based on research you had to look at sources and then you also had to cross reference those sources against each other to see if it's true and then also people because they read a fucking tweet yeah they think that's enough yep oh it kills me baby kills you it's it's like that's why i don't like when like he tried and when he messaged me and he was trying to argue and i was like hey man i'm not gonna argue about this stuff yeah i'm gonna change my mind i'm not gonna change your mind right and he's like well no one's arguing i was like all right argue debate discuss i don't give a shit parse it however you want smarter than me i know i'm smarter than

you like it's not like worth it yeah yeah i mean some of those people are just so far gone like the thing i posted in my stories of that guy with the sleeveless shirt that said beer barbecue and freedom uh that's a real guy it's crazy and he's like the and it's also funny too to be like wait so explain what happened like so there was a press conference. There was a press conference in Nevada, basically. About the polls. About the vote count of kind of saying like, okay, here's where we were. Here's where we're going to be.

This is what we're up against. Yeah. And this like big dude in a sleeveless shirt that says beer, barbecue, and freedom like storms the press conference. And he's like, the biden family is stealing this election the corrupt biden family is stealing this election yeah we want our freedom give us back our freedom it's like and you almost uh i don't feel do you think you know what i bet nancy pelosi paid him to do that i bet it was i'm gonna do you one better i bet it was nancy pelosi in a

fat suit yeah uh it's gonna be she's making a bull rat type movie. She got dressed up as that guy. Yeah. Nancy Pelosi's like, my votes. I would love that, dude. Nancy Pelosi just, oh, man. Yeah, she's like, you got Pelosi. But yeah, so it's just easy to be that guy like it's so much it's path of least

resistance right where you're like no what the president's saying is true and i don't really have to look it up and then you can watch a news network that will spout all the same stuff and then you're like okay that's that's what it is yeah and it's like uh it's just but it's so sad that like this country yeah it's supposed to be like the greatest country yeah or like well that's propaganda it is propaganda the only reason we we're just we have weapons that's it we have might yeah we do you're just like fuck man and we have podcasts most people are so like most people have less than a high school level understanding of how most things work yeah me included i only know a lot about the thing i studied same you know same and even yeah i can tell you how fucking light bulb works or like

how sure i don't even know how fucking like i don't know like how like uh how a tv like how do you get like a picture you know i have no idea how any of that shit works how do you throw a picture in the air explain that like everyone made fun of icp because they didn't know how magnets work like you explain it explain to me how magnets work because i bet you couldn't yeah whoop whoop um yeah there's so much of that stuff too even like basic like carpentry i'm like ah oh dude forget it like what like i'm like they're like all right well if you cut that out of this angle then you gotta cut that at this angle i'm like dude i barely passed geometry yeah joe rogan actually had a good bit about that like kind of talking about that of like

how much technology we have and like how smart everybody is and he's like he's like all right if i just dropped you off in the woods with nothing how long would it take for you to send me a fucking email and you're like forever like we just there's only a small group of people that figured this stuff out and we're like now we use all the stuff but like and that's the sad thing too is that you and i are educated but it's still there's so much knowledge we lack too and then what's below that is the people like uh there's a huge cabal of pedophiles uh tom hanks is a pedophile and uh trump knows it and he's gonna arrest him you know yeah it must be something like where if so in social psychology they uh i remember learning like the educated you are, the more you're

persuaded by emotional arguments based on emotion. Yeah. So that's all this is. It's just people who are uneducated. Yeah. Because it's much more difficult to process actual data and information that challenges objectively yeah where it's like you hear something you're like that feels right yeah and that's what trump trump knows that that's why yeah because what he's saying too is just like hey government let you

down and they're like yeah it did yeah yeah yeah but it's also he's not the guy that's gonna fix it you know like he's saying the right things and he's just he's just a con man. That's all. I know. And that's what con men do. Like, hey, actually, you got screwed over, but you you're good people and you're smart people and I'm going to help you. And they're like, yes. Well, dude, it's funny.

This comic, he he made a post about like he was like he was talking about how the economy is like booming right now under Trump. He's like, so I know who I'm going to vote for. And then three weeks later, he made a GoFundMe to help pay his rent. Oh, my God. And I'm like, how are you? What? I know who I'm voting for. I'm like, do you understand the market booming has no impact on your life zero it's crazy zero that's

uh it and the fact that like trump talks about that all the time too i'm like most of the people supporting you don't have a 401k or any of those stocks yeah to be like yeah like new record for the stock market i'm like okay yeah it's funny because they're like essentially you're you're just happy that rich people are getting richer right and that was his whole thing too he's like i care about you not these east coast elites which he is one like every person who's like oh these fucking blue states blah blah blah and it's like yeah hey every city in a red state or whatever carries that fucking state you know like yeah no one gives a shit yeah about upstate new york right you know what i mean like did you see um and all the money is in cities yeah i'm sure and i guess probably like farming in more rural places might be but uh

speaking of like just like saying whatever you want to that audience so did you see when trump was in georgia uh like a few days before the election he literally told them he didn't want to be there yes it was pencil it was in somewhere in pennsylvania i thought it was if it wasn't for covid i wouldn't be here i thought it was georgia he was like they're like you have to go there he's like there or he's like i shouldn't be here i shouldn't have to come here yeah he's like i'll just give him a phone call oh boy yeah there are reports too that uh the uh the campaign wanted him to go to arizona more but he didn't want to go to the west coast because he wanted to sleep in his own bed yeah but you know what's funny like i will i will say this like the one thing like liberals are gloating

about yeah like ah like the fact that trump's not getting a second term is like it means it's like it's a huge he's a huge failure i'm like well he still was president also he was president he got three supreme court justices yeah which is insane and plus a whole bunch of other like federal judges federal judges that are lifetime appointments uh and but dude this motherfucker was sitting at a dinner where the president, who was Obama, at the time was just shitting on him. Oh, yeah. And then had that job a year later. But, yeah, also it's like Trump was doing tons of bullshit before that racist shit.

Yeah, for sure. So he had it coming. He definitely deserved it. But I'm just saying, I would say Trump is doing better than most people. Yeah, I agree with Tim Dillon, too. He's the most successful con man of all time. Yeah, sure. To become president.

Yeah, because he used to just tweet stuff where he's like, I don't know. Yeah, so he's experiencing his first loss. Yes. Yes, he's been bankrupt, but he's still rich. Who gives a shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the funny thing. People are like, what an idiot.

I'm like, could you become president? Yeah. No. Could you do one term? Could you fake it? Could you fake your way to the highest position in the world? Yes, could you? Yeah.

It's going to be great when he comes back for 2024. Because you can't even pay off your student loans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, still, you could be president. I mean, because, yeah, Donald Trump had like $420 million debt. And he's like, I'm very rich. But, yeah, it's going to be amazing in 2024 when he runs against Kamala Harris.

You think he will? I don't think he will. I think he will. Well, we'll see. He might not want to do it. I think he's going I don't think he will. I think he will. Well, we'll see. He might not want to do it. I think he's going to leave the country. No, I think he's going to go to Florida and have his...

He can get arrested once he's not president. If he goes back to New York, I think. Because that's like the Southern District of New York is going after him, but I don't think federally people are going after him. But maybe.

But I think he's just going to have his own. It's going to be like Trump News Network. Yes. God. And he's going to influence politics for so long. And it's crazy because he's so old and so unhealthy, but he's going to live for fucking ever. I'm surprised he hasn't had like an aneurysm or heart attack. It's insane. Dude, the guy knows how to win

the guy's a winner anyway so what we're what we've been talking about for the past hour is we're uh we gotta take this country back hey um we will we're gonna go uh we're actually on our way to nevada right now with with uh with ak's with we're most we're mostly made up of AKs. Let me say this. I've been trying to sell stuff on Facebook. Oh, I need to do that today. And people do this annoying thing where they message you and they're like, hey, do you still have these? And you're like, yup. And then they don't get back to you.

Cool. Do you still have these chairs? I'm interested in purchasing if you do. And I'm like, hey, I do. nothing yeah i need to i need to do that i have a bunch of shit in the basement that i have to get rid of this is the fourth time this has happened also more people will be like hey let me know when you drop the price and i'm like i'm not planning on it nope yeah just buy my shit please um all right man i think that uh i don't do it let's wrap it up it'll be yeah so this comes out on monday but we recorded it saturday so who the fuck knows what's gonna happen are they still

counting votes this weekend uh yes i think so okay good um this is so funny like i have a show and well i have a show november 12th which I think is in the city, actually. Nice. We were wrong. I think we said Ellicott City last time. Okay. But it is at... God damn it. Where is this fucking show? Diamond Back Beer Company.

Oh, so it's at the actual brewery? Yeah. Okay. I think that's in the actual brewery? Yeah. Okay. I think that's in the city somewhere. Just look that up. It's on... They make good beer. It's on the 14th, and I'm closing it out. So, yeah, come to that.

It's a good lineup. Yeah. Next Saturday? Or this Saturday, rather? Is it this Saturday? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a week from now.

There you go. Cool. Come to that. Yeah, and then i will be featuring at the state theater in havana grace maryland um it is going to be indoors but it's limited uh amount of tickets and everybody's gonna be spaced out and have their masks on and stuff so uh i'm excited for that so yeah state theater havana grace maryland at uh 8 p.m uh 7 p.m doors uh very excited for that i haven't done stand-up in so long i know same but yeah let alone i don't think

i've done like a 20 minute set either 25 but i'm really looking forward to it actually i think it's gonna be very fun yeah i'm i'm uh i'm pumped uh i've been getting jealous because like the dc people man like they're doing shows all the time still outside yeah i know the outside shows are really really fun and so i'm like i gotta get on those definitely we'll do it all right yeah uh yeah thank you uh thanks for everybody listen uh follow us on uh social media and stuff i'm at josh katerna and then umar's uh Umar Khan 821. Yep. So, yeah. Give us a follow, will you? Please.

All right. Goodbye, everybody. We love you. you