The Digression Sessions - Ep. 334 - The Vid Podcast

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are back together but podding from a distance via Zoom to discuss Umar catching the VID. Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

we're back and it's a Monday black we're black black now what yeah as as uh as fashion dictates yeah we're with you we're hip um yeah it's a monday and there's a new episode of the podcast we're very consistent with it and i don't think we've missed a monday ever no jesus i didn't get covid and that's not why we didn't do a podcast in two weeks yep yep well you were actually trying to find those missing ballots in pennsylvania uh yeah i went to i went to michigan and uh we were busy i actually got coveted from giuliani i was around him in all the hearings and stuff oh you were yeah you know he got coven right right as okay so he caught it from you. Wow. I caught it from him.

Oh, that's not what I heard on Fox News. It said, young Muslim gives Giuliani COVID. Yeah. Ooh, man. Great. It's been like... Oh, yeah. Dude, it was horrible. It sucked.

Okay, you don't want to ask me about how I've been? We're just going to watch it. How have you been? You had COVID, so it's all about you wow wow you're not alone in the face no it was just yeah i know you listen i know you saw death because you were hanging out with rudy giuliani got him got him political humor no yeah let's uh let's let's get into it umar caught cove i got the vid uh did you did you even try like dude i uh i tried to watch the kevin heart special oh where he's in his house did you try to watch it no i yeah i saw trailer, but it doesn't look good.

It's crazy how unfunny he is. And it's like he's the world's most famous comedian. And he's like the biggest comedian. Hold on. I was like, so how was COVID? You're like Kevin Hart's special stunt. Well, I say that because he talks about getting covid and he's just like yeah i got the vid the vid the vid the and he said it like like that was supposed to be i'm like dude this guy doesn't have someone around him to tell him like bro you suck dick like he used to be

funny he used to be very funny but like he just stopped trying. Like he doesn't workshop material. He just he just it sounds like he writes something down and then that's it. Yeah. So he kind of well from the trailer, it seemed like essentially he had like he was like, I'm going to bring people to my house and try to work on stuff is what it looked like to me. But he's saying like, no, this is a special it's a special he was like i'm not leaving

my house anymore blah blah blah so he did in his house and um yeah real bad but anyway i just thought it was funny he kept saying the vid over and over and i was like damn this guy sucks at comedy what a bummer it is fun well yeah to be that rich too i know you have a notepad and you're like ideas the vid oh opening and closing with that i know and it's just like what do also it's not cool you're calling it the vid it's weird yeah well i think it's yeah everybody's going the other way it's like a lot of people are calling it the rona no no i'm switching it up fam i call it the vid and they're like damn you did it also you know how like comedy specials used to start out with like a really bad like it was either a real bad sketch or for some reason if you're a black comic and i think louis did this it's just

you walking from your green room backstage to the stage and you're just black comic and i think louis did this it's just you walking from your green room backstage to the stage and you're just dapping up everybody yeah and it's almost kind of serious too yes they mixed they also mixed in the thing too where it's like you're narrating over it too where you're like man i never thought the grown-up as a kid inilly, I didn't think I'd be here. But damn, I'm about to do it. How silly. I would feel so silly if you took comedy that seriously. And imagine you're doing a spot at the DC Improv because you do have that walk. You are behind a curtain.

And just before you go up on stage, I would feel so silly just dapping up a bunch of my close-ass friends like, All right, we're going to do it. Here we go. Here we go. Also, because you have to shoot that a few times. Can you take it from the top? Yeah. Can you dap him up again?

Oh, my God. That would be so silly. Especially for comedy. I know. That's what I'm saying. That would be so silly. Especially for comedy. I know, that's what I'm saying. It's not like you're about to go up and deliver a speech to fucking, I don't know. Yeah, exactly. Where something cool is going to happen.

You're like, damn, when I was growing up poor in Philly, I never thought people would want to hear my witty observations yeah so silly because then you're and then you go up on stage you're like hey who's drinking tonight yeah okay who's who's fucking out there damn we did it all right sorry anyway you were saying something oh oh uh i posted a thing on Instagram about my beard, which is really coming along. There you go. Looks pretty good. Thank you. Is that the highest it'll go? Okay.

First of all, it sounded pretty rude. You should have been like, wow, your beard goes up pretty high. That's probably as high as you want it to go. Yeah. I feel like the beard I have i have umar you grew at like 12 oh yeah it was horrible um but so i posted on my story something about it and uh and i think i was like it's luxuriously thick and benji himmelfarb our buddy comedian he responded in quotes he was like luxurious and thick and i was like wow i guess you're benji i guess you're in the camp of calling it patchy and gay and he was like you should call your special patchy and gay and we were just riffing

on i was like that serious monologue in the beginning like damn they said you couldn't have a patchy and gay beard at the same time i'm doing it that'd be funny and then benji said the opening is you walking down a hallway to the stage in slow motion with headshots of other comedians who couldn't grow a beard that's good uh yeah okay so yeah so you caught the vid. I caught the vid. It was... Let me take you back. It was the night before Thanksgiving. I went to walk Cobb.

And not a creature was stirring because they had the vid. Yeah. And Adobe, get out of here. Oh, boy. And so... Yeah. Holy shit. So, yeah.

I'm walking and... Go ahead. sidebar adobe's on one they're like hey by the way stuff's gonna change with your flash player in december like all right i know a flash player was like updating flash play i felt like i had to do it was a nightmare i'm like i want to watch all these cool videos on underground. What was it? It was underground something. Anyway, who cares? It was like an e-bombs world type website. Yeah. I think it was underground.net. Anyway, sorry.

So I'm walking the cob. I'm having like the most innocuous Chris Allen and me. Dude, this is so silly like uh chris asked me his opinion on some dumb comedy thing that like doesn't matter like it's not about it's about a woman she has like two kids and she asked chris she's like hey do you think she doesn't work club she's like two years in she was like i'm gonna quit my job and pursue comedy full time. Oh, no. Yeah.

Now? Yeah. Now? In the middle of a pandemic? After this year, like after, I guess like, yeah. And then also, well, so then Chris is like, dude, I got to tell her not to do that. And I was like, Chris, she's an adult woman. You have no obligation to tell her that. I mean, she's right. Honestly, I should call Child Protective Services and be like, hey, these kids are being raised by a fucking moron.

She is. Child Protective Services shows up. They're like, ma'am, is it true you're thinking about becoming a full time comedian? Ma'am, is it true that you're raising your kids on open mic uh comedy uh are you are you feeding your kids drink yeah that was my next joke yeah yeah so we're gonna take it chris feels so bad he and he and i'm like dude you don't have to tell this chick she's not because she doesn't care what you have to say and then so i mean i called him because we were texting i stopped i didn't want to text but he was on the phone

talking about it with another comic then he put me on a three-way call dude the last time i did three-way calls in middle school trying to see if some chick named sarah liked me with the cordless phone to be like okay are you there i'm gonna i'm gonna hit the button yeah yeah yeah you be quiet awesome okay you be quiet uh now i'm excited for that woman's special she's like damn chris allen told me to quit here i am i know about to rock the mic child protective services took my kids and i'm about to rock the mic yeah um dude there is a woman who has i'll have to send it to you uh it's the worst special on ever recorded she tried to trick you into thinking she recorded in front of like a thousand some people and then it's just and then like when it cuts to the actual footage it's like one camera and there's like four people in the audience.

Oh, no. And then there's laugh tracks. Oh, is this a local person? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's just some random chick Chris found on Amazon. Oh, but I'll tell you after about another local person doing it. Yeah, I heard about that. Yeah.

This person posted like an open mic set. And I think they use... Wait. Crowd noise from like GarageBand where it's like... It sounds like a stadium. I don't know this. Where they're like... Oh, really?

I didn't know that. Who... Oh, tell me after. I don't know who it is. Somebody sent it to Ramin. I mean, I think her name is whatever. You sent, yeah, Ramin sent that to us. I do remember seeing that.

So funny. Anyway, so I'm walking. I'm just having the dumbest conversation in my life. And I'm like, you know, just like, I think I had like a buzz on. And it's the night before Thanksgiving. So I'm off work. And Karen and I, thank God we canceled plans with my family because I was just like, you know what? COVID's out of control.

It's just like because I was at their house the week before and I was like, this isn't good. This feels weird, guys. Like any of me and my brother like rahul's fucking i mean i guess i'm hanging out like we will play music or i'll have people over in my backyard but you and i if we play music we wear masks yeah but i think like ryle's being a little reckless and i was like dude you shouldn't see mom and dad like this is that's great like you should not see them like you're hanging out with people. Like, hanging out. Reckless Raheel over here.

Yeah. So, anyway. So, then I... Oh. So, that morning, Karen woke up and was like, ah, my throat feels funny. And she coughed like twice. And she was like, ah, I'll be fine. And I was like, dude, I don't know.

That dry cough? cough babe that's what she's mad she's hearing that's what happened babe i had to con no babe hold on so hold on real quick you're ruining the podcast i wish i wish could hear me. This is such a 2020 conversation. Babe, babe, you had a dry cough, babe. Babe, I'm not going to do this again. Your cough is dry, babe. Babe, this is what happened. She fucking woke up.

And then I guess like the day before she felt weird. But I was just like, I think we're like, you're being in your head. And then. Hold on. Can we hear hold on go hold on baby hold on tell tell your piece yeah just don't don't dry coughing i woke up um umar came downstairs like i have to go to work i'm like all right i gotta go to work i'm gonna go gotta go to work i walked the dog i cough I coughed once. And I was like, oh, my God. I fucking coughed. What is this? Did I make myself cough?

Like, I feel fine. But my throat's scratchy. I come home. He's awake. And I'm like, Umar, I think I should call out. Like, I just coughed. They told me I need to call out if I had any of these symptoms. And Umar's like, no, you go to work.

That is not what happened. What happened was like, no, Karen was like, I'm fine. I'm going to go to work. And I was like, no, you go to work. That is not what happened. What happened was like, no, Karen was like, I'm fine. I'm going to go to work. And I was like, babe, just call. Just because there was pie at work. That's the only reason I was like, oh, maybe I'll go. It's not that bad. Yeah, her and her friends ordered some expensive pie.

And she was like, and she literally said, she was like, I don't know, but we're going to have pie. And I was like, babe, just call out. It's probably, but in my head, I was like, or I think I might have said it. It's probably nothing, but you don't want to be that person that goes into work sick and then finds out you have it because that would be the worst. Well, Dr. Fauci said go to work if there's pie, though. I'm pretty sure he said that. That's true. He did say if there's pie, go to work.

So Karen's like, okay, you're right. So she calls out and then she had to tell her work and then her work was like well we'll give you a test here so she goes and gets tested and i just think like it's gonna be nothing because we've and she she works at a hospital right yes yeah yeah exactly so she works at a hospital um and so she goes and gets tested. I don't feel anything. I'm like, I think she's in her head. So then I'm walking our dog, and I'm having this three-way conversation, which is just so dumb.

A pointless conversation, yeah. And then I come home, and Karen's on the steps crying, and I completely forgot it. This is how much I didn't think about covid oh go ahead yeah yeah umar's like babe you can get another pie yeah it's all right i know well no not did they not have pie i didn't even think about covid because i did not think she had it i was like oh my god i thought like i thought someone died thought she just, because she was on the phone. And then she's like, I'm positive, which is funny to look back now.

But that, I mean, I get it. It's weird. It's scary. And then I felt fine. But then I had to tell you and our buddy Paul, friend of the pod, because we played music like four days before that. So, yeah, you told me on so that was wednesday i told you yeah as soon as i found out we hung out the friday before but i think karen got it after that gotcha yeah and i i didn't feel anything and then we wore masks the whole time which was good yeah um but you were very you god yes but you were

very funny because you're like ah dude i feel so bad i mean you're very sweet about it too but you're like i i just feel so bad i just wanted to tell you but this sucks it's like telling somebody they might have herpes yeah i know it's horrible and it was the night before thanksgiving so uh yeah i was making food with mary like the night before to like go over to it like a friend's giving thing yeah and you're like hey by the way you might have it i know it was horrible it sucked but i was like i can't not tell we have to tell no i i'm i'm glad that you did yeah imagine that had to be pretty hard and then also too, too, for you, I mean, it sucks for Karen. And then for you, it's like, well, if she has it, I'm going to get it.

Well, that was the thing, too. And Karen's work, because she works at a hospital, they will put you, if you test positive, they'll put you up in a hotel for free. Oh. But, like, what a piece of shit would I be if I just made my girlfriend go stay in a hotel? I just have like a vacation from her. You're like, get all the pie you want in that hotel by yourself. But yeah. And so I didn't feel anything Wednesday and I didn't feel anything Thursday.

But maybe on Thursday, like because I dude, I was downing whiskeys, just having a good old time. I was likeing whiskeys, just having a good old time. I was, like, so fucked up. And then I was, like, I started feeling at, like, midnight, maybe that, like, that itch in your throat that you get right before you get sick. Yeah, a little raspy. Yeah. And then Friday, by the, like, midday Friday, I was, like, oh, shit. Yeah, even if Karen went in a hotel that Wednesday, By the midday Friday, I was like, oh, shit. Yeah.

Even if Karen went in a hotel that Wednesday, if you had symptoms by Friday, you had it. Oh, for sure. I had it. You had it before that. Yeah. You were just like a couple days behind her. Yeah. And it got me.

Dude, because the first, like the Friday, it was like, all right, I got a little cold. Dude, I got fucked. I mean, like it was like, well, Karen recovered pretty quickly, but like, and it wasn't like so bad where like, you know, you're like, I'm going to die. But it's just like having a low grade fever for like five, seven, 10 days, like whatever it was, sucks dick like it see and then like everything it like your whole house feels gross you're like everything in this house is dirty it just sucked and oh right you're like oh yeah you're like i'm living i'm living in a cesspool my germs are everywhere i'm never

gonna get clean yeah oh yeah and then you're dude you wake up you feel oh are like this is my experience like i woke up i felt okay like it for the first two hours of the day and then it just gets worse and worse and your fever catches up to you it it's you don't feel like doing shit you don't want to like cook so we spent like so much money like on like just delivery services it's like oh it sucked it sucked so do and then like i'm the worst i'm so bad at being sick because when i get sick i get sick and i like i just can't handle it and i think i'm gonna like like i just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just think we're going to be sick forever. And like, that's how that felt.

You're just like, oh, this sucks dick. Yeah. Well, I like to be productive too, even if it's not a huge thing, but you're like, I'll clean the house. I'll play music. You can't. I'll work out. And that's, that's what I hate about being sick is that I know you have to do nothing.

And if I do nothing, I feel like an even bigger piece of shit. Well, dude, for me, I would do the dishes and I would have to literally lay down. I would take a shower and I would have to lay down. I would nap because I just got so exhausted. It fucking sucked and that's just all the energy you had for the day yeah exactly and then like i had to so like i didn't want to tell my boss because i was like i'm working from home but like monday i did a little bit of work and then tuesday i woke up and i was like i i could

barely stand up like i like felt so lightheaded. I was like, I'm going to fall over. I can't stand up. This sucks. So I called my boss. And apparently like you like she for some reason, like even if you're working from home, you have to report it to HR. And like they're going to reach out to me. Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. Did somebody from the city hit you up for like contact tracing and stuff like that well so karen so we found out like 6 30 on wednesday night and karen got a call like immediately after her positive result i got a call i got tested friday after christmas uh black friday and i got thanksgiving thanksgiving and then i got my results on monday and they were positive and then yeah the health department didn't call me until this past friday really yeah yeah they uh wrote my name wrong so maybe that had something to do i have no idea but um well karen told them she lives with me but anyway yeah so no one called me until this past friday so i was like yeah i'm good now but it's cool they have it for their records

yeah i guess yeah um but uh oh and wait so I was saying something I can't remember. So you told work. Oh, yeah, I told my boss. And my boss is like this older Jewish lady who's very nice, but a little neurotic. And so I told her, I was like, hey, well, good news. I can do in-person testing now because I'll have the antibodies. And then she's like, well, actually, that's not true because there's a bunch of different strands.

So there's no guarantee you can't get it again. I was like, cool, cool, cool. Thanks. You're a ray of sunshine. Also, yeah, I was clearly joking. Yeah. And then I called her a couple days later. Oh, she called me and we're talking.

And then she's like, I'm so glad you're doing better. And she's like, well, now you got to worry about the long term. You got to make sure if any of the long term stuff kicks in. Because that's the real issue. And I'm just like, all right. I guess I'll think about my heart failing randomly at any time. Right. Yeah.

She's like, I mean, you're fine now, but what if a couple of years down the line, I mean, you just have a brain hemorrhage. We don't know the long-term effects. You're like, thank you. Yes. I will think about that forever. My coworker, I told my coworker I had it,

and she was like, oh, my sister's a marathon runner. She got it months ago, and she can't run anymore. She passes out. She gets so tired. I'm like, Jesus Christ, everybody. Chill the fuck out. Yeah, and her hands are actually where her feet used to be. It's a real bummer. Chill the fuck out. Yeah. Her hands are actually where her feet used to be. Yeah.

It's a real bummer. Yeah. Like, apparently, she was like, the first run she went on, her legs, like, she just, like, her body, like, just quit on her and her legs just gave out. And then she was at the grocery store one time with her son and she got so tired she fainted. Oh, I can't imagine having kids. Like, at least you guys oh my god at least you guys have each have each other too i think going through that alone isolated

would really suck so it's nice to have somebody else share the misery but then to have it and then have a kid you have to take care of because also they're not they're not going to school they're home all day and then you can't send them anywhere yeah dude it's pretty it's pretty crazy to think that like before covid how nonchalant we all were when like people are sick like because karen i even said that the first like two days we were like if if i felt this way like non-covid if i knew i was sick i would go to work because you have to go do and like my boss is someone who makes you feel like shit if you're if you call out yeah yeah there are those people it's like oh wow you stay home huh oh she's that's okay yeah she's never said it to me because she likes me but dude she's legit called people and asked if they were really sick yeah that sucks we're like actually how sick are you yeah

oh go ahead no no go ahead go ahead i used to um when i was doing gin and jokes uh i don't even know if ah fucking hooker we're so deep in when i was doing gin and jokes i would like a lot of times i would get like super drunk you're like and i had sars yeah i spit on people no i would get like fucked up because i drank for free and uh i guess it was like two years ago when i was living with evan and eric on keswick uh i think maybe i called out like three times like that school year and she oh right she was so when i called out the last time i have not called out on a friday since when i called out my boss like immediately sent me an email she's like hey i've noticed a pattern of you taking sick days on fridays is there

something going on at one of your schools that like is making you avoid work on fridays which is her way of just being like hey motherfucker i know i know yeah yeah don't do this again if you're taking off work on a friday or monday Monday consistently, they're like, oh, you're sick again. Interesting. Especially one of the top days to call out on a Monday is the Monday after the Super Bowl. Apparently, there's a huge spike. Can you imagine having to do that?

Just because you know everyone knows. Yeah, and you're like, I have a migraine, actually. Mercury is in retrograde and I don't feel great. That's so funny. Anyway, so yeah. Like, so then she sent me that email and I remember freaking out. Yeah.

Real quick. I was going to say the what you're saying is like the stuff we used to do and be like, it's whatever. Making fun of Asian people for wearing a mask when they were sick. Oh, yeah. We all, like going forward, we should be doing that. Like if you're not feeling great. I think we will.

Yeah, like I also love having Purell at places, like walking into a grocery store. I'm like, hit the Purell on the way out, hit that. I love it. Dude, I i mean think about stuff like bobbing for apples do you ever want to bob for first of all why apples suck anyway i don't want to work that hard to eat a fucking apple but an apple that other people might have put their mouth on this everyone's spit is in that wall like that's insanity it's in a metal like tin yeah thing um

yeah well that's just what people did before cable in the internet they're like do you want to put your head in this bucket full of apples dude i bob for apples a couple times as a kid this sounds like something mega people are upset about they're like i want to bob for apples again right now open it up yeah no dude we used to bob for apples and uh we had this you know heyday at school oh really or like some schools call it field day oh okay i got i thought you were like joking like back in the heyday no no it was it was like the most fun day of the school year or i think it might even be during the summer or spring breaker on the weekend it was called heyday and it was just like it was so fun it was all these

when did you go to school the 1940s i know heyday i know we'd play kick the can in a three-legged race. And the winner got a hot plate. It was so fun. They would have a bounce house. And they would have all these fun games for you to do outside, inside. We had that. It was just like a fair at my school to raise money for the school. But it was super low.

I'm sure if you go to it as an adult you're like oh this is horrible but i loved it i remember i got a goldfish from it one time and because you could win a goldfish at this one game and actually my neighbor this kid's mom she was in charge of like the goldfish game and at the end of the day they had all these goldfish leftovers so she gave me one and uh nice i brought it home and i dumped it i dumped it in like um like a vas vase vas can you say either uh uh people say both but if you say vas you're an asshole yeah i think so i think it's a vase and uh yeah so i dumped in a vase and uh the water was cloudy so my mom thought it was just like bullshit and she dumped it in the kitchen sink and turned on the fucking um disposal whoa oh my god i was i was just about to jokingly say like the fact that they give those goldfish to kids

they're basically saying like who wants to kill this goldfish how about how about you timmy he's like i'll kill it so then i come home and i'm like mom what did you do with the vase with the water and she's like oh i dumped it in the sink and i was like i had a goldfish in there and uh yeah it was bad anyway so uh but dude like oh my god dude that is the worst nightmare for a goldfish i know i mean yeah i was like in fifth i didn't care that much my parents bought me another fish more so i'm just thinking about the goldfish where it's like all right i'm gonna get out of this bag yeah the vase is fine and then it got ground up to death oh my god jesus i know so funny looking back it's so funny um oh and then so another time at heyday, this is like we're too old, but we're like in middle school.

And I think like I can't remember. We were like staying in my neighbor's house who is younger than us. So his mom was watching us. So she brought us and we brought our friend who is like a couple years older than us. So he was like eighth, ninth grade. Anyway, so we're like way too old to be there. It's like a group of six of us, but everyone knows us because we went to school there. And so we like flip.

We just, you know, we're like assholes. So when we all went into the bouncy house, we realized that like by accident, all of us were on one side and almost tipped over. So then we just, we were like dude let's just tip over the bounce so like we tipped over the whole bouncy house and like there was other kids in there like little and like and the guy running was like what the fuck are you guys doing get and like kicked us out of the bouncy house and then we went we the school was open but there were like parts of the school you're not supposed to go in but no one like blocked it off so we're just like go running through the school and we go to the gym and uh the gym's open and this year they weren't using the

gym and so we just the gym office was open so we just go in the office and i didn't do this because i have a guilty conscience but my brother and my buddy my two other friends murdered the janitor well they just started like breaking shit in the office and knocking stuff over and like just really fucking shit up and like oh and we would just get drinks and just threw them all over the office which is like i don't know why boys have to be so destructive like if that is such a in our our gym teacher was so nice he was just like this really nice dude it and i think it really only takes one boy in the group to throw a rock and break something. You're like, I guess we're all breaking stuff now.

That's why, dude, the other day I was in my bathroom, which faces my backyard and alley, and I heard all these kids. I look out the window. There's 10 kids coming down our alley, and they have poles in their hand. They knocked over every trash can in the alley. What the fuck? And I was just like, man, I get it. I fucking get it.

It sucks now that when you own a home and you worry about that shit, but you're like, ah, we all did it. Yeah, you're yelling out to Karen. You're like, it's the kids with the poles again. Yeah. They're knocking over the trash can. I just opened the window. I used to be one of you kids with the poles again. Yeah. Knocking over the trash can. I just opened the window. I used to be one of you.

And look at me. Yeah. I got the vid. Life comes at you fast. It comes at you fast. Anyway, so then we go to Hay Day the next. No, we go to some after school event. And the parents are being really weird like we ran out of the building we're playing outside that was like the coolest part about being a kid

because i remember going to weddings and like or like my parents friends house parties and like all the kids we would just run around and do whatever we wanted like we'd be outside of the school it was night it felt cool and no one cared like our parents like yeah they're just playing well so they wanted you to get out there yeah please burn up that energy yeah anyway so then uh we run outside we try to come back in all the doors are locked and the parent this parent's like well who are you here with and we're like you know us we live in the we're here with his mom she's inside and she's like well you guys you need to be with the parent last year a bunch of kids went into the

gym and caused four thousand dollars worth of damage and we're like oh no shit probably all the money they raised for heyday went to cleaning up the gym office four thousand dollars oh yeah dude and i just remember thinking like oh we suck yeah not great i remember um uh this dude ben that i knew um i was we were friends but we weren't like super tight it was more like friends of friends, acquaintances. Yeah. So I'd see him in the high school and like we'd joke around and stuff. And then one day we went to, I think to his house or really like meeting him or something like that. And he went inside and his car was in the driveway.

So we peed on his car as like a bit. Oh no. We peed on his car as like a bit like ha ha ha we peed on your car and we must have peed we must have peed in like a vent or something like that so we didn't tell him and the mutual friend the mutual friend the mutual friend was driving with him one day and he like he turned on his heater and i'm like oh it smells like piss he's like i know i feel like a squirrel piss in my car and i just couldn't ever tell him oh no you cannot that's because then he would just be like why why yeah exactly like i i don't know i. You're like, I don't know. I know.

I'm an asshole. I don't know. Dude. Oh, shit. What did that remind me of? That reminded me of something. I can't remember. Oh, I don't know why.

Because speaking of like shitty friends that you knew. Yeah. of like like shitty friends that you knew uh yeah my buddy dan my childhood like friend best friend uh when he went to high school he made this other friend this kid named danny dixon and this kid like i just remember like oh like like you're a bad kid like you're bad like he was like bad kids were scary to me i was like i don't want any part of that i did not also made it also made me feel bad emotionally to be like with the bad kids and i was like i don't like doing this oh yeah dude he like he i have to open a jar for karen oh god babe i can't do this hold on hold the mic umar do you want me to edit that out of the podcast no we might have to i can't open it i wish we were i wish we were recording video of that

that's okay it's molasses it's sticky anyway um sure so this is so funny edit that out i opened that jar yeah you could just tell he was a bad kid the way he spoke like he liked to flick you know he gotten he's been in fights his parents don't care that he's we're like in middle school his parents don't care that he smokes or drinks uh i think his parents also like fucked up people this kind of makes sense you know you're a kid so uh yeah i just remember like being like oh this kid sucks he's a bully but he was nice to me and uh i didn't like him i never liked hanging out with him and but uh he came through for me one time. So I used to work at the snack bar at my pool. And I was wearing a Newfound Glory shirt because I was a big Newfound head.

Sure. Oh, by the way, speaking of Newfound Glory, dude, there's this podcast I think you would like. It's called Stand By Your Band with tom takar oh interesting it's you have to defend like a guilty pleasure or something yes and it's so fun i mean they do slipknot blink like all the bands we listened to growing up and i have to listen to the slipknot one so dude the slipknot one is i was dying laughing in bed last night and karen's like what are you listening to it's so bad it's so bad anyway uh i have to hear that yeah you gotta listen to like a bunch of them like it's so funny anyway uh oh and but I learned from that podcast, Scott Staff from Creed.

And, oh, the 311 one's pretty funny, too. Oh, I'm sure. The lead singer from 311 got into a fistfight at a hotel in Baltimore City. Nick Hexum did? Yes, because it was Scott Staff came in drunk drunk the guy from creed and i guess yeah i guess he was like a really bad drunk and uh yeah so i guess maybe there was like some music festival in town and uh so scott stapp comes in drunk and he's just like fucking with everybody and he sees the lead singer with 311 he's at a table having drinks with his wife and he uh

just like starts talking shit and throws a napkin at scott stapp and then one of the other band members comes over and like i guess like they got in an altercation and scott stapp threw a punch but missed and hit nick exum's wife and then yeah And then Nick just laid him out. Which is great. Good for him. He did what he was supposed to. Oh, yeah. You have to do that.

But that happened in Baltimore. I was like, damn, that's so cool. Sounds good. I would pay so much money to see that fucking fight. It sounds like a weird fever dream. I know. Nick Exum punched Scott St stapp in baltimore like what yeah what um oh anyway so oh by the way speaking of shitty music i thought

who cares uh so i uh anyway so this kid danny dixon bad kid oh yeah yeah i hate being around one day i'm wearing a newfound glory shirt i I'm working at the snack bar. This chick who I kind of had a crush on, her and her friend came up, and we were just playfully like – we would have conversations, and they were talking to me. And this chick that I thought was cute made fun of me for liking Newfound Glory. And then I called her a fire crotch because she was a redhead and i was like went low i know i was like okay fire crotch and then uh you're crying and then she was like i'm gonna get my boyfriend to kick your ass and i was like fuck your boyfriend

i remember saying something like that because i was like it's not gonna like this kid goes to a whole different school i'll never see so apparently he was there and uh he was a scary kid he was not a fun kid and he was like i'm gonna kick your ass and i remember being so scared i was like oh fuck i'm gonna get my ass kicked and like when i said fire crotch i meant that as a term of endearment i think it's very cool yeah when i said fuck yourotch, I meant that as a term of endearment. I think it's very cool. When I said fuck your boyfriend, I meant you should fuck him. He's so cool and hot. Yeah, like have sex with him.

He's so cool. Yeah. You have to have sex with him. So then I remember like being scared. They had left before I got off work. I was like, whew. And then I told my buddy Dan, his buddy Danny Dixon was around. I was like, ah, this kid said he's going to kick my ass, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, oh, that's a bummer.

And then me, Dan, and Danny Dixon are all at the pool one day. They show up. And Danny Dixon's like, wait, that kid's fucking with you. And I was like, yeah. He's like, oh, he goes to my school. Dude, he was like, you're not going to touch. And then, dude, he bullied this kid for the rest of the year at school. Wow.

And made him his bit. And the kid never was like, yeah, never did anything. I love that because it's great that he supported you, but it also doesn't teach you a lesson at all. You're like, fuck that. You're like, fuck that fire crotch. Yeah, dude. I watched this kid bully this kid.

It was insane. Like he turned into me, such a bitch. And I was just like, I just remember being like, God heard he got arrested for stealing a cop car while he was drunk. That's tough. Fast forward, I don't know, maybe four years. He's still in prison for child pornography. Well, was it his or was it already in the cop car? I don't know.

Yeah, right? uh but hey he defended me so true true like let's hear that pedophile out i i don't know yeah crazy now looking back maybe he just had a crush on you he's like you are not gonna lay a hand on his beautiful supple head you understand him and his tight ass and you love newfound glory so he's like oh that's cute he's like that's cute i like that i like that that's uh getting caught on the child porn that is tough i know oh the newfound glory episode is great by the way oh and what's it called again stand by your band stand so funny tom takar and the other kids on there are so funny tom takar used to go by like tom brady yeah he had to change his name he has a joke about that he did on conan

okay um no yeah i'll check that out uh well let's finish your covid saga though oh uh i mean that was pretty much it like just waking up then just having a fever all day and you're tired all the time it sucked and you just don't think it'll ever end when did it hit you the no smell no taste thing i didn't i didn't get that i never got that karen got it oh you never got that yeah to me i feel like that would be the worst part like you have no energy like i need to eat something and then you can't taste food because also that's the only pastime you can do like i'll lay around and eat food i know i would how and then karen k Karen's like freaking out because you know there's reports of like it still like for some people it it's it's never went out like they still don't have no they have

no sense of smell or taste and I remember thinking I'm like oh god that would suck dick but then Karen's like Karen asked you do you think it'll come back and in my head I'm like I don't fucking know but you know you have to out loud I'm like yeah it'll be back? And in my head, I'm like, I don't fucking know. But you have to out loud. I'm like, yeah, it'll be no problem. But if it happened to me, I would be losing it. Freaking. Yeah. You also give the response where your voice goes up a couple octaves. You're like, oh, yeah, this is going to be fine.

Oh, my God. That's so funny. Yeah. Karen called me out for that today because, oh, dude, I got a couple of stories. But do you have stuff you were just at the beach how was that oh i was in the ocean city the jewel of the east coast come on and uh yeah so went down there with with the boys with a few friends and we all got tested nothing too crazy happened we went and played mini golf which was fun so fun uh uh outside too norm so we always go in the off season we'll play inside

but it was like inside mini golf well usually it's cold we go in december but but it was like 65 and so we played outside but still with masks on and stuff um and there were people around us not wearing masks like people playing behind us and there's this dude not wearing a mask and we're like you know what you guys can play ahead of us and he's like well i don't want to be that guy but i'm like you are absolutely that guy oh yeah that's so funny no mass he's like you mind if i play through it's like a bro it's mini golf there's a volcano right here who cares yeah there's like dinosaurs and stuff uh no it was good it was actually just like a nice hangout like nothing too eventful we we uh did mushrooms and watched a nicholas cage

movie it was which one uh it's called jujitsu but uh we were we were pronouncing it you yitsu we're like whoa hard j on jew i mean it's hanuk. What are you doing? But you'll be shocked to learn this. Jiu-Jitsu is about an alien that comes to Earth every six years to fight the best Jiu-Jitsu fighter. Jeez. This is going to blow your mind, Umar. The best Jiu-Jitsu fighter in the world is a white American guy named Jake. Okay. This kind of also could be a...

Who's the other, like, the white guy who has a ponytail and he's into karate steven seagal yeah it sounds like a steven seagal movie basically it was basically just predator but with yu yitsu oh my god nicholas cage was the dad of jake so he was training him yeah nick age is crazy because like he'll do like a a coen brothers movie dude we were joking about that and i mean we were just dying laughing the whole time we're like how does it work with nick cage like a script comes in and his agents like we got an offer and he doesn't even explain what it is like yes i'll do it yes yeah i'll do that i don't even need to hear what it's about. Yu-Gi-Oh! Great.

I'm there. But I think he's done way more bad movies than he's done good ones. Oh, especially lately. So, dude, he had like long, long black hair. And of course, and he's like overweight, looks gnarly, but he's doing Yu-Gi-Oh! And I swear to God, Um yeah stunt his stunt double i'm pretty sure was a black guy with dreads i'm almost a hundred percent nick cages so like it'd be on the close-up it's like a fat nick cage like punching and then they zoom out and it's a skinny

black dude doing like a backflip that's so funny it was amazing dude on mushrooms it was a we were dying like amazing uh okay like con air i love con air but i watched it like part of it the other day babe you got a package and uh and it is so bad i mean like but but, like... But it's considered a good movie, I think. The cast is crazy. The cast is nuts. A young Dave Chappelle. Dave Chappelle, Steve Buscemi. I mean, that's crazy.

Yeah, but I think Con Air, Face Off, movies like that, they're so bad, they're good. Yeah. You know? But anyway, so yeah yeah you guys oh yeah so yeah it was just like an ocean city weekend we went to the boardwalk and uh just to walk around just to do it and uh dude the the people down there with no masks is a little why like the stuff that people risk their life for and like this is how you want to get i know dude like like that we there was a santa like a uh bar crawl santa thing and i'm like that's how you want to die

you caught covid doing that so crazy city we went to ocean city in june when like the pandemic was fresh and real bad real bad i mean like yeah that's when people were still scared and people in ocean city were like well we don't give a fuck i was like all right no no yeah i mean most people had masks on but uh but yeah some of the people that didn't i'm like why would you risk it for this thing i know i i stopped at a burger king on the way down to in the drive-thru and then there were people inside the Burger King eating no mask. I'm like, that's what you're risking it for? I know.

It's a Whopper? God, that's so gross. Ugh. Ooh-wee. But yeah, no, it was a good trip, man. It was fun. Nice. It was just like a dude's weekend.

It was nice. Cool. So, oh, a couple things I want to talk about. I did my first, right before I got sick tell i did my first right before i got sick i did my first like zoom comedy show yeah yeah for underground comedy uh where like um which for people who don't know was they did shows at the big hunt and then a bunch of other places but it's like it's like one of the better it was like one of the better like it was like a uh a show that went from being like an open mic night show on a wednesday night in the basement of this bar to like being essentially a comedy club where national

touring headliners would come louis ck dropped in and did a set um people like michael che would have whole weekends there yeah it holds like a hundred hundred hundred people is that what it holds maybe 75 oh maybe 100 if you're standing room yeah if you pack it like all the way to the back bar but yeah it was an amazing little spot great great spot um so i did a show for them and actually it you go into expecting it's gonna suck and um it actually went pretty well like it was super fun um i tried to tell you i think i think they're fun if you have enough people in there i think it's fun i did very well i think i had a really good set uh like i could see the people laughing um this was cool because they turned on the like there was like 50 60 people watching but they let like five people

in the actual screen and they turned their mics on uh-huh and you could hear them laughing and that was cool that like was that made the whole that made a huge difference so the way the dc improv did it because you just did that one too right yeah i was gonna talk about that one too yeah i really like the dc improv one so they did that where they had five people on the screen but you couldn't hear them yeah but the weird thing was dude they had 300 people in there which was nuts um but so the chat in zoom the people watching could do the chat and i didn't realize like what a dangerous game that was like speaking of yu-yitsu but with your mind and emotionally because normally you're like if the crowd's laughing it's going well but if people can type things of like that's funny or blah blah blah oh my god like like if people could just type like no that sucks this is that but like the dc improv one was so fun yeah dude oh go ahead and uh oh

tim miller was watching uh comedian dc was super funny but he like texted me after my zoom set was like that was great and i was like thank you hell yeah it's different than stand-up obviously but it's it's sort of like you're just being the funny person in a meeting you know like yeah so i kind of just approach it like stand-up um i but i'm saying yeah because i think both of our styles are like conversational but it works for that it's kind of like yeah you are yeah yeah yeah you're definitely yeah you're like the funny guy at the party right exactly um but so the disney dc improv one i did it oh it's funny because when i first logged on um whatever your last background is is still the background so my background was underground comedy i'm'm like, oh, let me change that.

That was from the last show. This is like best comedy club in America. Big hunt. So yeah, I was kind of, I was so nervous because one, it's like you, I haven't performed in so long. And then two, it's the DC Improv. So you always kind of want to like

put your best foot forward. It's like the best club around, one of the best in the country so i'm like so nervous uh will savants uh was supposed to be on my show but he ended up bailing anyway so name rings a bell uh he's a new york guy he's at the cellar he's like semi-famous um like actually one of my co-workers was like holy shit you're doing a show with wills events and i was like uh sure yeah but uh so matt bergman's on the show and he was having some like it was funny because before the show he was like having some internet connectivity issues and i was like dude just uh set up a hot spot you'll be good to go and then he even made a joke he's like if my phone if if this cracks, if it craps out during it, I'm blaming you.

Yeah. His whole set went great, except for his last punchline off of his last joke got cut off. Oh, like there's a glitch? Yeah. Dude. Oh, man. Did he come back back on was he able to blame you though no he couldn't even he just it just you see his whole screen disappear because he logged off oh i love bergman man he's such a good dude yeah he did great and uh for people listening at home he has a dry bar comedy special so you can watch that for free yeah he did great matt matt rules the one thing i did learn from matt was like okay you gotta slow

down a little bit like i think he just did the i'm gonna go for joke joke joke joke thing and i was like i'm gonna slow down a little bit because you gotta be yeah you have more conversational yeah and so i was like trying to do not like crowd work but i'm like oh okay i see we have the robinsons here you guys look a little weird and blah blah like there was one couple luckily when i was doing it they were watching it from their bed i was like i don't know what type of sexy situations going on here but i doubt it's covid sick you know so you're like engaging them and like yeah yeah i think all of our stuff is we're doing bits but you're also kind of telling stories and i think that works for zoom comedy a little better oh 100 and so i kind of had some like uh chris allen had did it and he got some uh he found out later that because he did all

crowd work and he found out later that the owner hates that and did not she just wants you to do jokes and yeah i which i get to engage yes you but you have to engage them a little bit yeah so it's weird you're like i'm talking into a laptop it's the you feel so fucking dumb dude like you just feel so dumb doing it so especially pausing for a laugh i know but you got to do it that's the thing it's like that's the part where i meant like when you treat it real like pause wait for the like you gotta just pause because if not like i get you want to be conversational but you also like you are doing a show so you gotta like give a show so um the second person went up and uh i don't care for her she was uh not great uh but people liked her i get it you know you know yeah ethnic ethnic blah blah blah but uh okay easy easy hey i

am too uh but i don't know i just felt like i felt like she phoned it in and I was like, oh, that sucks. But people really liked it. And I was like, all right, these people are very supportive. Right. If they're into that, if I make an attempt, they're going to really like it. Exactly. And there was like 300 plus people watching. The DC Improv.

Yeah, it's nuts. Crazy. It's five bucks and people are like i don't have to leave my house so yeah they can get 300 people to watch some local comics and so but matt bergman great comic but he's like he's like pretty clean uh the second comic she was pretty clean i was like ah fuck because i'm not i'm not i i can but it's been so long and i felt like i feel like over zoom you got to be a little more crazy and i saw that there was a kid watching with his parents and uh i had some like i people had talked to me about doing Zoom shows with DC Improv. So, like, one comic did a show.

And, like, during the set, people in the chat wrote, like, oh, my son's watching. I can't believe the disgusting things. Which is, like, fuck you. Like, you shouldn't have let your kid watch a comedy show. That's their fault. It's totally your fault. But I just don't want to deal with any of that. No, but they also advertise like 18 plus.

Right. It's like you're going to a comedy club just because you're watching it at home. There's no difference there. Exactly. So it was my turn. I was like minimal crowd work. And I gave a warning. I was like, hey, I saw somebody with their kid.

Just FYI, I am not going to be clean. I'm going to be offensive. You're like, here's a fucking warning for you pieces of shit. And I'll be cursing. All the people on my screen, because they change up the people that you can see between every comic. In your quote unquote audience and my like screen uh first of all it was mostly black people and women i was like oh fuck this is uh this could go either way oh there's one lesbian couple uh this chick named ezra and uh i remember when I started, I was like,

hey, my mom's name is Ezra. I'm horny or something like that. And she didn't like it. But the other people thought it was hilarious. Yeah. Wow. A Me Too moment in your set. That's nice.

Yeah. And then, so, dude, like, I do my first joke. It killed, like, you can just see them, and I'm like, joke. It kills. Like you can just see them. And I'm like, I just keep going. And then like I fucking. I can't lie, dude. I fucking like for a Zoom show and the comments were going crazy. I when I finished my set, I got over 30 followers immediately. On Instagram, yeah.

And a bunch of DMs. It was so nice. I was just like, holy shit, that's crazy. Yeah, like as far as exposure goes, that's way better. Yeah. Because people, they see you, they can connect with you more intimately, and they know your name, and they're already on the internet. Like, they'll just look you up right there.

Yeah. Versus like, oh, you were funny at the show, and then there's more comics, and they're already on the internet like they'll just look you up right there yeah versus like oh you were funny at the show and then there's more comics and they're like who is that guy again like you forget about it when you're leaving the club yeah it's the immediate feedback that's what i'm saying it's so cool it's so cool on the side in the chat with like oh my god that's so funny but you're like christ if this went the other way i know like because you can't hear the thoughts of the audience they'll laugh they're like christ if this went the other way i know like because you can't hear the thoughts of the audience they'll laugh they're like oh that was funny or they don't laugh but they don't have like no that's weak that's like all that shit they're like dude yeah man i i felt the same way with my dc improv set where i was like a little nervous about it but it went so well it's like i wish this just was stand-up you don't have to leave your house yeah you don't have to put pants on i was on cloud nine bro it was tight yeah i could like it was

great it like it gave me a second wind because dude this whole week we've literally been going to bed at like 7 or 8 p.m because we were just we've just been so exhausted from having covet right right right right but i went to bed at like 1 a.m that night oh but i gotta tell you some shit afterwards by the way that's because you were so yeah so gassed up i gotta tell you some shit after the pod because i can't we can't say it on uh oh yeah yeah because we're about an hour now so we can uh let's leave it there i hate when shows do that by the way when they're like i'll tell you off air but uh yeah maybe that gets people interested in the show that they think that we live interesting lives all right but true and not that we're just gonna gossip after yeah after

we sign up but uh uh yeah thank you to everybody for listening uh we appreciate it umar i'm glad you're doing better i'm glad karen thank you guys are on the mend. We're mended. I think you didn't mention it, but I think my care package for you. Oh, my God. Dude, check it out. Hold on. I think that saved your life, I'm pretty sure is what you meant to say. Thank you so much.

Oh. Look at this. What are you? Oh, is that the chia pet? Yeah. Hold on. Oh. It's starting to grow oh dude that's amazing isn't it crazy that's the first i've only seen like two other chia pets i have never seen them grow that's awesome yeah i've never had one i love it i had one anyway i had one of homer of

just like homer's head and it was did it work? It kind of did. It was a really funny Chia Pet because the hair was just like because he's bald. So it's just the horseshoe around his head. Yeah. It was like the leaves, but I couldn't get it to go. But yeah, I'm glad you guys are doing better and you made it through and all that stuff. Yeah, man. Well, yeah.

Speaking of Instagram, follow us on there and all that stuff. I'm at Josh Katerna and cool yeah thank you guys for listening we'll talk to you next week

bye bye peace We'll see you next time.