The Digression Sessions - Ep. 335 - Happy Hondadays

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are back together but podding from a distance via Zoom to talk holidays and collecting change. Also some mutual funds talk here - sorry we are the worst. Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

all right thank god that works here we go hey oh shit all right it didn't work it said data right error but it's recording oh christ god uh you know umar i know you hate christmas uh as a muslim but you got to ruin our christmas pod too i think it's fine i mean it's recording yeah we'll see all right i don't know what to do. Maybe it'll be a Christmas miracle. Yeah, let's hope. Oh, God. I'm sure it's fine. Yeah, let's hope.

We'll record for an hour, and then you won't have anything at the end of it. All right, I'm going to record this Zoom. Oh. And then maybe we can just use that. Yeah. Yeah. If that is it working, it'll be nice to have a nice video element.

You might have. I don't know if you I might have to do it. Yeah. Do you have enough space? All right. All right. We're here. We're here, baby.

We're queer and we're podcasting and we're saying Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. we still can. Merry Christmas. That's right. Not happy holidays. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, Laura Ingram. That's right.

Before Comrade Biden gets in there, we're saying Merry Christmas. Yeah. And we're gay. Wait, what? Yeah, Donald Trump's like, we're saying we're gay again. Donald Trump's like, we're saying we're gay again, folks. Believe that? We're saying it again.

We're gay. It's great. You know what's funny? Like, Megyn Kelly on Fox News, she, like, left Fox News. I think she left because of, like, the sexual harassment stuff with uh who owns it roger ailes yeah because remember there was like another woman who had been there for years and she filed a sexual harassment suit against uh him and a bunch of other people gretchen carlson yeah so roger ailes roger ailes didn't own it but he ran foxt Murdoch. Or somebody. One of those two dudes. I think it's Ailes, though.

It was Roger Ailes. I watched a whole Showtime miniseries about it, so I'm pretty educated. Oh, there's also a movie about it. Yeah, I missed that one because I saw the Showtime miniseries starring... What the fuck's his name as Roger? He was really good. God damn it. What's his name?

Christian Bale? Australian fella. Nope. Nope. Australian fella punches people. God damn it. What's his name? Australian fella. Nope. Australian fella punches people. Oh, the Wolverine guy? No, no. He was in Gladiator. What's his name? Oh, the guy who like... I know who you're talking about. Russell Crowe.

Russell Crowe. People are screaming right now. I know. Russell Crowe, you fucking gladiator. He's great. I've never finished that movie by the way me either and I'm fine without it yeah it's it's fine anyway anyway so Megan Kelly uh yeah so she left Fox News and people gave her like a morning or daytime talk show on NBC she went she went to NBC and was like I never never said anything horrible. In fact, I'm just a regular mom just like you guys. Yeah.

Here's my daytime talk show. I do think what happened to her was. Now I'm baking. Yeah. She's like, I'm baking bread. I was never racist. I do think what happened to her was kind of shitty. I mean, she is stupid for asking why blackface is wrong.

But I don't know. You can have have a conversation but it's like also i'm gonna i'm gonna cross that off of our uh list of topics today yeah it is wrong absolutely i wasn't gonna ask that also there's like a clip of her from less than a year before she got that show where she looked into the camera children santa claus is white that's a fact yeah she was like she's like and by the way santa is white it's like if you're gonna die on the hill of something racist like a cartoon like something that's made up you know like yeah like santa claus isn't even real you know like what what are we talking about so funny like jesus jesus is one thing you know but it's like we've all like there's most people don't think he was real, you know. But it's like we're all in agreement that Santa's not real.

He's like, by the way, this made up thing is white. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, I mean, I guess, I guess like the first iterations of Santa was a white dude. I mean, that's like people getting upset about comic book characters like Spider-Man is white. It's like, why? It's all made up. Who cares?

Also, like, speaking of Santa Claus, I was listening to NPR and Fauci. Like, it's I just don't understand politicians and people like in okay so fauci and hogan like spoke to kids like during press conferences and was like hey we talked to santa he's he's still gonna come around he's uh he's he's not he is immune to covid he He's still going to wear a mask. His non-human helpers are going to wear a mask. But, and it's just like, what kids are watching a fucking press conference with Larry Hogan and then also another press conference with Fauci? The coolest kids. Kids that aren't getting beat up.

That's for sure. Just like, God damn god damn like it's so stupid drinking like the smallest cup of coffee she's like you know i saw fauci the other day and he said that uh santa is immune you'll find this interesting fellas gather around the playground yeah there's just kids on the playground no you idiot fucking fauci said that santa's immune he said yeah yeah he's still gonna wear a mask i mean i'm on the fence no you idiot fucking fauci said that santa's immune yeah yeah he's still gonna wear a mask i mean i'm on the fence if i'm gonna put out cookies for him because he has to take off his mask to eat the cookies but i don't know i'm gonna put them outside uh yeah it's all

silly i never believed in santa so i mean not not at all. Never. No, because I didn't grow up with it. What? Yeah. I always knew it was people's parents, and I ruined it for my friend in kindergarten. He was pissed. I didn't know it was like something to ruin. I just remember being like, oh, you believe in that? What are you, an idiot?

Yeah. You're the asshole young kid talking to the kid that watched the fauci thing yeah you're smoking like a bubblegum cigarette you're like you believe that shit you fucking pussy hey pussy uh i remember um making cookies for for santa and then waking up and then like the cookies were eaten or like bites were taken out of the cookies and i was like this proves it i know who ate the cookie who ate the cookies also like these days i wonder if like kids are smart enough like if i was a kid i would just set up like uh my laptop or a webcam or something and just have it running

like in a you know yeah yeah you have your gopro on yeah exactly just fucking have it run all night and then you're gonna see see your dumb, fat parents putting presents under the tree. Yeah, that's the best you can hope for. What if they fuck or something? You're like, uh-oh, we got some movement. Oh, no. Oh, my God.

That would be the best. Just like a lonely dad jerking off. You're like, all right, I'm going to rub one out before bed. That would be so... did you did you find santa i wish yeah i wish oh man well like did you growing up like did so you had like you had some presents from your parents right and then presents from santa yeah i think so i think like i think i put it together pretty early on but i think not until i was like maybe like eight or nine or something like that i think my situation was probably similar to to yours in that i was on the receiving end like somebody was like you know it's not real i'm like yeah i know it's not real yeah yeah of course what just trying to hide how hurt you are you're like yeah of course

it is like an insane thing that um like you just discover all these lies santa claus the easter bunny the tooth fairy there's like like other shit. Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus. Well, Chupacabra, if you're a little Mexican kid. Wait, Chupacabra's real. I believe in the goat sucker.

Don't, don't. You're on sacred ground right now. But then it just never makes its way up to God. You're just like, whoa, that one. Everyone's like, well, what? No, you stupid? That one's real. Yeah, obviously. you're just like whoa that one everyone's like well what no you stupid that one's real yeah obviously uh the yeah but then it's also you're kind of training your kids not to trust themselves either right like kids are like are you sure yeah there's santa they're like yep santa

does it he comes down the chimney and goes to a billion eight billion houses dude like what telling your kids sanders you're gaslighting your kids that's what like you're like yeah yeah you're like a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever you're just like no you're the dumb one kids are like oh i think like yeah because also you're figuring out the world and you're like, oh, that's like. You're trying to figure out the world, your own intuition and trusting your instincts and stuff. And you're like, so wait, he comes down the chimney. We don't even have a chimney. Like he works in special ways. All right.

Are you lying to me? Because I trust you. Yeah, it's like some of the first times where you're like using logic and kind of understanding like the limitations of the physical world. You're like, wait, he goes to every home in the world. In one night. In one night. Because we can't go from here to Walmart in less than 40, you know, it takes us 40 minutes. Well, his sleigh is very fast.

It's like, well, what's it run on? Reindeer. And like, they fly? Yes. Now shut up. You idiot. And then you're like, I don't think it's real. Like, it's real.

Trust us. And then like three years later, like, hey, we lied. Yeah. And then it's like, what else did you lie about? It's like a lot of stuff. This isn't your dad like a lot of stuff. This isn't your dad. A lot of stuff. Well, another thing about telling kids about Santa is like, I never understood when kids kids would go to come to school after Christmas

and then, you know, ask me like, Hey, what did you get? And I would just say nothing. And then they're like, Oh,

Santa didn't stop by your house. And I was just like, no, I mean, you know, like, so, and then I was like,

I, and I was, and they were like, Oh, it's probably cause you're a Muslim. And I'm like, well, that's kind of shitty that this dude wouldn't give me presents just because I'm Muslim.

That's fucking crazy. Yeah, Santa's like, Merry Christmas to only the Christian kids. And all lives matter except yours. Yeah, like that is, that's like another thing where i was just like man that's so funny that like oh and santa knows who are christians and who are not yeah and yeah who's naughty as well yeah so naughty by the way a lot of christians in uh there's a lot of christians in like ethiopia and you know other in india are they to Does Santa go there? We got to help them out and get them out of there.

Is that what you're saying? Bring them home. Santa comes to your house like you're the first house after India and everyone's like, why does it smell like curry in the house? He's trying to be polite. Oh, good. A curry cookie. Thank you. Thank you, Christian yeah he's trying to be polite oh good a curry cookie thank you yes oh thank you christian yogurt based desserts who doesn't like to eat yogurt after eating a full meal you call it a

lossy interesting okay he almost lost me i'm kidding kidding. You're Christian. I like it. Yeah, no, I definitely believed it for a bit. And then I remember, like, yeah, I think I was just trying to be cool about it. Like, nah, yeah, I knew. I knew. But then, yeah, they were like, yeah, wait, what? An Easter bunny? Like, I remember my mom talking to, like, a neighbor and being like, all right, you guys got to go to bed. Otherwise, Santa won't come. I'm like, what? That all right, you guys got to go to bed. Otherwise, Santa won't come.

I'm like, what? That's the rule? We got to go? Like, it's so weird that we'll just lie to our kids. Like the tooth fairy is really weird too, right? Like, let's take these bones that fell out of your head, put them under your pillow, and then a stranger in the middle of the night

will take your bones and then give you a little bit of cash. Yeah. And we're like, oh, that makes sense. What's what's the myth why does she take what does she do with the teeth does she do something with them is she like a hot topic kid who like turns them into like a necklace yeah it's like her vietnam how like our guys used to wear like yeah necklace of like ears she just has it with teeth yeah Yeah. She's a sick fuck. Yeah.

She's goth. Yeah. The tooth fairy is definitely like goth. Going to like a Marilyn Manson concert. Just thinking about like reminiscing when he used to be good and not fat. Yeah. Yeah. So wait.

So you never had Christmas though? Because I feel like your parents. No. Not in my house. We never did Christmas tree, but we did... We were very close with our neighbors, two of our neighbors who... That weird old guy, he's like, come celebrate over here. Yeah, well, it was an Indian family.

And then like a normal white family, normal, a Christian, a God-fearing Christian, neutral, milky hotel family. And so we would go to their house, me, the Indian, our family, the Indian family, because their family lived in texas and so we would go we would exchange presents so i did get like one or two presents on christmas from the other families yeah interesting and then christmas dinner gotcha because yeah i feel like you guys like you and raheel definitely got your parents to like bend to American traditions and stuff like that. So yeah, yeah, like,

uh, yeah, like we did, we started doing presents for either the end of Ramadan because, um, usually people like we just like we would get money, which was dope. But yeah,

I think like there was a couple years where me and my brother were just like we want presents and then so we want stuff yeah our whole family i mean god we're such cons because it would just be like you would give money to the kids but then yeah it turned into like even the it turned into like even the adults giving each other presence and it just became this like i actually did a um a uh uh jessica hinkins um she's a local improviser and she has a storytelling series i actually did a story about this about how like nice we used to like you know just not do it and then we just kind of fell into that trap of like

everyone's like mad we're like doing last minute christmas shopping at like the malls and like k-mart and like everyone's and then like even like afterwards my mom's upset like why did they give me a bread maker what do they think i'm just gonna like i'm just supposed to cook for them all the time and like all this shit like oh I belong in the kitchen, bitch. No, thank you. Yeah. And you're just like, and then you get older and you're like, oh, money is better. Oh, my God.

Yeah. But it is funny. Oh, go ahead. They were, like, essentially doing, like, the gift card thing. They're like, here you go, a gift card. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, as you get older, yeah, you're like, please just give me money. That would be great.

Like, I can pay for gas or groceries if I want. And as a kid, you, when you get, I think, like, as a kid, like, because it was hard seeing my friends get, like, PlayStations and, like, all the cool games and bikes. And, like, my friend got, a huge because remember when like boot like boombox stereos or like everyone had them in the room with like speakers like spread out and shit i never did i was i was i dude i absolutely had the stereo system where i was like you can separate the speakers from the main part oh my god so i would see my friends get like all that shit, all this like RC cars and like. Yeah.

But when you just get money and you're a child, you really you kind of just learn like how limited, you know, you're just like, OK, I have a hundred bucks. I can buy one of those things my friends got and then maybe something else shitty. You know, like this won't buy me a PlayStation. This won't buy me like a bunch of video games or like yeah an rc car it'll buy me one game but i can't get the playstation yeah so that was another thing too like were you i never that's a good thing i wish my parents taught me like about saving money i never saved i didn't start saving money until like seven years ago oh really no i always saved no i loved it dude i and i was so dumb like i worked i yeah no i i had a giant sorry go ahead you all right i i forgot to check into our flight for tomorrow.

Nice. Nice. Karen's going to kill me. All right, go ahead. Are you going to Karen's parents? Oh, yeah. We're going to kill them. Oh, hey. Probably.

No, we have antibodies. The ultimate gift. Well, you know, I mean, there's a lot of strains out there, my guy. Yeah. So you might get them that new strain. Anyway, sorry, go ahead. I'm going to check in while you're talking and listening. Oh, perfect.

So I had a giant plastic Coke bottle that was probably like, I don't know, like two and a half feet tall. And I would just put change in there. Like as a kid, anytime like my parents went shopping or whatever, like you get any type of money, I would just put it in there. So I think that kind of showed me how to save money in a weird way of just having a giant Coke bottle full of change that I later took to a coin star. And there was like, I don't know, like $200 in there. It was amazing. Like when I was like 14, I took it there. I was like, fuck yeah. The big one there it was amazing like when i was like 14 i took it there and i was like fuck yeah big one yeah yeah i had the same thing you had that plastic yeah and my all my friends did too i don't know where they came from weird yeah what the fuck um but

yeah so i had that so i would save money in. But then I started working when I was like 12 under the table at Lido's washing dishes. So I would get like 50 bucks a night and just hold on to that. Damn. You know. And yeah, so when I took the, just a little side story, when I took the Coke bottle to the Coin Star, they called the cops on me on Kent Island. Because I did it at the grocery store and uh apparently like somebody had been breaking into houses and one of the things they were stealing was change so like they alerted grocery stores so like if somebody comes in with like hundreds

of dollars of change call the cops and it was just like the cop was like where'd you get all that money i was like my entire life i don't know what do you mean like so you haven't been robbing houses like no who robs houses for change what are you talking about but i guess there's like somebody that was like a drug addict or something breaking into people's houses in kent island yeah i had a i babysat these kids a couple times in roland park uh so their family was like very wealthy i guess and um right their kids had three jars on in their bedroom and every time they got money they would some would go into like a savings jar someone go would go into like a donations jar and then some goes into like spending jar and i was like oh that's really

like an interesting the donation thing is crazy but the other two jars pretty tight yeah like i'm gonna donate that to my savings dude i lived at home and i had a full-time job i didn't save any of that money i could have like you just spent it on what like cds and clothes and shit um no i think i just spent like i think i spent it like just going out and then when i started grad school i just blew through it damn that's crazy yeah no i mean i didn't i didn't have a job for three years as an adult so i kind of had no choice true true true yeah because grad school is your job right because you had to yeah and all that stuff yeah but you don't get you get paid like nothing yeah exactly yeah like are you paid like 19 grand a year or something crazy like that

oh not even like uh really and for a ta paid $5,000 for the whole semester. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I also have to take out loans, which let's hope they get forgiven. Hey, Comrade Biden, listen up. Come on, let's do it. No, I got lucky because, yeah, I had a good job, and then I was saving money, and then I also got lucky that the side of my family is good with money.

Jewish. My uncle's an accountant and he's like, what do you do with your money? And I was like, it's just in my Bank of America. And he's like, that's stupid. Why are you doing that? I don't know what else to do with it. And he was like, all right, we're going to invest you in some mutual funds. And I'm like, thank God he did that. I i gotta hook up with somebody too uh and figure out stuff

like that because i want to start like investing in stocks i just don't know what to do and um i don't know i don't want to just like i don't know i don't want to go into it blind um but then i also don't know if i need to because i have all these other like i have a pension and an ira and at 401k so i don't think i need sure yeah no you don't need extra money yeah why would you want more money that's a good that's a good call i like that you have enough money no no dude i i'm just like yeah oh sorry go ahead oh i was just gonna say i am that piece of shit that every day i'm like how's the s&p 500 doing and like i check on all that stuff and like the nasdaq and stuff like that oh right um yeah it's uh it's it's crazy

like uh how many people don't save money still you know yeah and even naughty i'm not like not even people who uh i guess you would call it low skill you know like jobs where you're like restaurants blah blah blah where you don't need education i'm even like i'm talking about like my co-workers who make 50 60 70 80 90 000 a year are still living paycheck to paycheck. Yep. Fucking. I'm like, what? Even if you have a couple of kids, what the fuck are you doing with your money?

You must just not give a fuck. No. Put it on credit cards, all that but also like you never had they never had anybody around probably that's like here's what you do with it here's how you save you know like i was like i'm saying like i was so lucky to have that i'm just like here do it with this or having a job that has a retirement plan and all that stuff. Yeah. It's insane. My parents are always really bad with money, and they always fought about it. Yeah.

And like, because it's, I think it's like, for them, it's just this thing of like, well, we grew up with like nothing, and now like, they're like, oh, my mom's like credit cards. What is this? Fake money? Free? Yeah. Free money? Yeah. Okay. they're like oh my mom's like credit cards what is this fake money free yeah free money yeah and then uh i think she just like you know that's another thing like i don't know how people like i've talked to people who have like they're like fifteen thousand dollars in credit card debt i'm just like dude that's like 15 interest i? Yeah, and every month it just stacks up like crazy. Oh, God, dude.

I remember when I was in college, I had, I think I had five, I had like $500 on my credit card that I could never, I was making like 75 dollars a week and i could just never pay it off yeah and credit card companies are like good yeah um i didn't get a credit card until like four years ago or something holy shit how did you buy a house uh you know just being the man nice being a white cis male what did you always use a debit yep did you yeah so as soon as oh yeah as soon as like debit debit cards were accepted on the internet to buy stuff like as a credit card i was like yeah so tight so i just i just never got one because because of stories like that where it's like well i just

don't want to go into debt. Why do I have to do that? But then they make you play the game of having to get a credit card and then go into a little bit of debt. Like, how can you do this if you, you know, I can get a credit score without a credit card. I'm like, God damn it. But no, I had a good amount of money saved up. And then I think I had credit because I had my student loan that I was paying off. So that helped. And I think a car loan too it's crazy it's crazy that like i'm just so glad i've like even though i never was good

with like as a kid like saving money i was always good at like never spending what i didn't have so right right like that is like a lesson on its own because i remember talking to a dude and he's just like i can't have credit cards like i just can't do them and i'm like what do you mean he's like i just have no self-control i was like wow that is crazy like that yeah i mean i just don't because it's still money. It's still. Right. But there's the disconnect there where it's like, I just hand you this piece of plastic and you give me all this stuff and like, ah, I don't have to pay for it now. That's a future problem that doesn't involve me right now.

Yeah. But I kind of think if people aren't using credit cards, you're missing out because now with like cards like Chase, dude chase dude i mean i just got oh yeah i just got uh a chase card and i spent like during covid they did this like crazy deal like if you spend four thousand dollars in the first three months oh we got we got the same card that uh chase sapphire preferred yeah which brings us to this week's sponsor, Chase. When did you get it? A few months ago.

Fuck, I should have sent you a referral form. I know, right? Yeah, get those 15,000 points. But dude, I already have like 90,000 points. Yeah, same. In three months. I mean, that's insane that's a round trip ticket to pretty much anywhere you want it's pretty amazing yeah and uh god we're such pieces of shit we're like here's how you save money and this is what you do mutual funds i know what are

we doing people are probably listening to this and they're just like... They're hating it. I know. They're like, we're unemployed. We don't make money. Fuck. We're like, we're going to go on a vacation for free. Yeah, no, that is... My good buddy, Mike, he told me about that card and I was like, all right. But yeah, no, that type of stuff where it's like you are losing out on shit, where if you're going to spend money, you might as well be getting points towards other shit oh yeah um yeah uh yeah man uh so wait so

speaking of trips you're going down to georgia uh going to georgia uh we have uh hopefully the antibodies i i gotta wait i'm uh i just gotta i got tested for the... Dude, I got to say, I've gotten COVID tests one, two, three times so far. And the first time I went to patient first, I got an

antibody test and a COVID test at the same time. Super easy. Then I went to the convention center it was outside even easier then i did it from my car when i actually had it and um so this time i went to the rotunda which is like this shopping center by our home our houses our homes in our neighborhood yes by our by our palatial estates yeah yes and i made an appointment so i get there and it's just the way they did it it's like um i don't know if i had covid i would be like embarrassed or something because you walk in

there's like a folding a folding table that's there and it has like a piece of paper on it with a list of symptoms then the nurse from uh like sitting at the desk like which is pretty far away just yells like look at that paper do you have any symptoms on that paper and i was like uh no and it's all the covet symptoms i'm like no they're like okay get some hand sanitizer to come over then so i'm sitting there filling out my paperwork one of the symptoms says small dick no so you're telling me you don't have a small because you got some real small dick vibes going on sir i bring you and your small dick over here let's swab you and um so then i'm sitting like

by the way i've been to this place i don't know five six times why the fuck do i have to fill out three goddamn sheets of paperwork every every time it's the same fucking thing like your address your allergy like it's like you don't have this on file what the fuck is going on i feel like i'm in a seinfeld episode right now yeah yeah patient first more like patient last this takes so long paperwork urgent care this doesn't feel very urgent what's urgent about anyway what is it what Anyway. What is this? What is this? Paperwork first?

Yeah. Come on. Urgent care. More like take your time care. And then if this was 1994, that would get like an applause break. Yeah. God, his comedy is so bad. Then you'd get a sitcom where you run a patient first and you're like, oh boy.

Yeah. Here we go. Anyway, so I'm filling out paperwork. Then this other lady walks in and they're like trying to social distance it, but the lobby is kind of small. So like now it's so weird.

You don't think about it. I mean, you do think about it before, but like being a doctor's weight office waiting room, it's just all sick people that's wild yeah that's people's arguments for having babies at home too because they're like why don't you do it at a hospital it's like i'm gonna have my kid in a building full of sick and dying people yeah i know i mean i kind of get that i get it but, we've been doing it for so long. It's better. It usually works out.

Have we? That's true. We've been having kids without doctors much longer, Omar. Oh, that's true. In your face. Which doctors? In your face. But so then this lady walks in and they do the same thing.

They're like, whoa, stop. And they were like, do you have any of those symptoms? She was like, yeah, I have most of them. And then I'm like right by her. And I'm like, God damn it. If I didn't already have COVID, I would be freaking out. And then I think if you have symptoms, you're not supposed to stay there. You're supposed to like leave.

Like you're supposed to have like an she didn't make an appointment and then so they're like hey we don't have space for you right now write your name and number down on this and we'll call you and we'll come back when but then she starts giving some like sob story about her husband locking the keys and and we're and i just want to be like lady no one gives a fuck just get the fuck out of this room what are you doing ah damn that's tough i know is tough because yeah i would feel the same way but yeah like you're you want to empathize but it's like you have something that we could all easily get and possibly kill somebody possibly kill somebody in here and then oh go ahead oh man oh i was gonna say i have i

have a shout out to kaiser permanente they've been they've been great dude they have a thing in baltimore county where it's all just drive up i've done it twice you're just in your car you make an appointment they swab you and then two days later they hit you up on the app and just let you know. It's been very nice. And it's free, too, or included with my insurance so far, which has been good. So I got tested. Oh, because this is how it started.

We're going to Georgia. And Karen's not here, so I can speak freely. I don't want to go. I think it's a bad idea. I don't think we should be flying, but I cannot. I don't know. I feel like if I don't go,

it's just like this whole weird, like, why isn't your boyfriend coming? You guys live together. Yeah. I mean, if she's going, you're essentially going you know yeah like even if she yeah if she doesn't give it to them they could give it to her either way like and when she comes back it's basically like you went because it's one of those things where because earlier

in the pandemic karen and i were going to drive down to South Carolina. I remember that. Yeah. And then, yeah, I backed out. I was like, look, I don't want to go. I just don't think we should be because South Carolina was like surging then. And I was like, I just don't think it's a good idea like to be there. And then so I didn't go. Karen got very upset.

I mean, she understood, but she was upset. And I think this would be even worse. And her parents bought us the plane tickets. And then I guess this is the way that i look at it if you don't care that you could possibly get it and die then i guess it's on you but then it's like merry christmas but then it's i killed you it's on the other people like but then you know we're all i think all the people who are flying all the people who are i don't know using like uber and all like you're i guess you're all just kind of saying like hey if we get it we get it uh yeah i i honestly think you can fly like if you wear an n95 mask like i can't hand sanitize why i'd have to shave my beard

and because karen karen works in a hospital and she gets so frustrated with people who she sees wearing n95s out in public and she's like that's it's not how it works you have to get fitted for it and then you have to get tested so like the what they do in the hospital is they wear an n95 mask and then they put this like helmet thing over you and release like a gas not like a gap but like some sort of uh thing like vapor that has a smell and if you can smell it then that's bad or something yeah anyway so well i mean mean, I'm going to double mask. I was going to say, if you were like an N ninety five plus a cloth mask underneath, I'm sure that's still pretty good. I'm going to double mask.

There's no middle seats, blah, blah, blah. I think it'll be fine. It'll be like being in a grocery store. I guess I don't know. Thank you for flying with Delta, the grocery store of the sky don't know um okay thank you for flying with delta the grocery store of the sky yeah thank you um you should get one of those like clear mask things to the uh like shield thing yeah so uh i think i'm gonna borrow one owen has a bunch he bought or just get one from him because he flew and he said it was fine yeah but um yeah so we have the antibodies that have flown uh and so

i reached out to our buddy andres who's a doctor and comedian um and he gave like the most doctor answer i was like hey man if i have antibodies can i not like i'm not worried about getting it i just don't want to spread like i don't want to have it be asymptomatic and spread it is that i was like i heard that if you have antibodies you don't spread it and he said theoretically that's true and i was like what the fuck does theoret he's like you could we just don't know enough but yeah everything we know about viruses probably not but no one really knows yeah and then so i reached out to a pandemic expert uh that i met after a show and we talked and um friended each other on instagram and he said the same thing he was like most likely no you can't

but we just don't know and i was and like, that's just the same reason. There's not enough research. Exactly. He said it's the same reason if you get a vaccine, you're still wearing a mask because we just don't know if asymptomatic transmission is possible. Yeah. And also, there's so many strains of it. The Ravens had an outbreak and in their training in there. Yeah. In their training facility,

there is four different strains of COVID in the training facility. God sucks. But I think from what I read that like a vaccine should work with the other strains and because of the way they developed it, I don't, I don't, I'm not smart enough to really understand. Yeah.

It's, it's like how the, like the flu vaccine works they don't know what the flu is going to be that year but they kind of have like a guess i think so they give it to you and then hopefully it responds yeah anyway so i don't know like it's just gonna be weird we're gonna like fly down yeah get in a car with her we're staying at her parents and uh you know we're doing everything you're not supposed to do. And I'm talking about on a podcast.

And it's funny because you caught it too. Like Karen had it. Oh, man, that's. Yeah. I think, though, that makes us feel better because one, we know we can't get it. Like we most for the it's so rare to get it again. And then two. Yeah. I don't know. No, I looked at it. It's so rare to get it again and then two yeah i don't know no i looked at it's pretty rare to get it again and then um really two uh it i think you are less likely to

pass it on so i do feel better but it's still not a great feeling you don't you know you're yeah but what can you say i mean i don't know i saw my family and they live here so karen's like yeah i want to see my family and i'm like it's different but okay i i think if you just if you get tested like everybody gets tested then it's fine but who's so because that way you yeah you really know but you can't get tested get on a plane and then think you're fine that's true but well yeah i mean but like you're saying if you're double masked up you got a shield and don't they say like play i mean there's this big plane propaganda but don't they say like the air is so filtered in there it's like all it's always recirculated and all that stuff i have no clue

no clue just yeah bring some like hand spray wear your double mask yeah i think i guess i'll be fine i mean but like her parents like don't give a shit they're trump people and uh they don't care yeah that's wild her mom told us her oh god she's gonna kill me but whatever she's not gonna listen we're so deep in her mom told us not to report it to the health department so we don't make the numbers go up. That's the last thing Trump needs. He's trying to turn over this phony election. So crazy.

He doesn't need numbers. Oh, man. Whoa. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Oh, I was just going to say it's such a weird thing. Like, don't tell them i know their daughter had their daughter had it they're like nah it's not real

they're just like they're like because the the longer the numbers are up the more shut down your city's gonna be and it's like yeah good what the fuck i know people are just it's kooky i don't know what to say yeah i don't either that is wild but yeah i mean we all fucking break the rules and we're all like go see people where it's like probably shouldn't but i think as long as everybody is wearing a mask outside then it's fine you know what i mean like when you go into places and then if you see somebody later without a mask and you just know that they're being safe as much as possible yeah yeah with with with her parents it's like who the fuck knows what their bubble looks like and what they're doing yeah exactly and uh that's so that's like another thing like when we come back i'm gonna wait like four days and get another test um yeah

yeah because i think it takes like four four or five days but then before i think because i have antibodies it's um probably unlikely to show up positive is what this kid told me so gotcha i don't know because i don't know they made me feel really stupid at the at urgent care because i was like hey i want the test and i want the antibody test and they're like you can't do why would you do they're like why would you do both and i'm like because i had it and i just want to know if i don't have it anymore like and they're like yeah they're like well that's not how it worked they're like it doesn't they're like they said they're like well how long has it been i was like oh it's been like three weeks like yeah well why would we test you for it if you've had it and i'm like i don't know

you're the fucking medical people they like looked at me and i was they're like and they're like well you can only get one so pick one and i was like what is this a fucking buffet like tell me you're the people you tell me what is the better thing to do uh yeah i guess if you had it then you would have antibodies right yeah so i did the antibody test it was uh i was so pissed i think yeah because i think you're just guaranteed like if you had it then you have antibodies it's not a guarantee it's not like a super guarantee, I think, because that's another thing I looked up. I heard it's not a guarantee. It's weird, though.

It is weird. I know. But then it's like if you have, I think you don't show up positive if you get it again with antibodies, right? God damn it. I wish we had an expert on. I think two yuppie hobbyist comedians are fine. We got all the info.

We know what's going on. No, maybe if I got it, I would just be asymptomatic and not know it. That's the thing. That's why you get a test. Yeah, that's why I think you should have got the regular test but i doubt that you have it again this no no way well actually i don't know that i could have it again but fucking crazy it's good oh man what a world we live in what a world. Yeah. So this is Christmas. I want to say Merry Christmas to everybody. That's when this pod comes out.

I goofed pretty hard this week at work. I needed to send a report to this guy to like verify some information. And he just wasn't logged on like it was for like a week and i wasn't mad or anything but i was just like hey mike just checking up to see if you got this thing or like just following up if you could verify this overtime report or whatever it was and and and he didn't have like an out of office thing and normally people do of like i'm out of office till whenever the happy holidays and so he didn't have one of those so i was like oh maybe he was just like sick for a couple days or he just like took a couple random days off um and then uh and

then i was like all right well i'm gonna cc his team on this next one because he hasn't responded for like a week and uh and so i emailed his teammate. I was like, hey, John. And then I CC'd Mike. And I was like, hey, John, I've been emailing Mike about this. And he hasn't responded all week. I guess he's out for the holidays. Ha ha.

Could you verify this report and get back to me? Then he emails back. He was like, oh, sorry about that. Mike's dad suddenly passed away and he's taking time off and i was like fuck and i like cc'd the guy on there i'm like i guess he's taking time off for the holidays ha ha ha and he's like his dad's dead you dick oh no dude that is a bummer i like but can you verify that report please Because it was supposed to be done last week. Oh, man.

That sucks. Yeah, I wasn't too... I wasn't a huge... How were you supposed to know? Exactly. I know. But still, it was just like, I wish I didn't write that in there. Like, I guess he's taking time off for the holidays.

He's like, i wish i was my dad died right before christmas and you need an overtime report yeah you're texting him like dude what the fuck i mean i slack off sometimes but what the fuck are you doing what are you doing my guy oh dude i i fucked up real bad at work this year uh with something similar so if like students um i'm supposed to reach out like if students have like like experience a death you know in the family or something so i got some information from a school secretary that this girl's brother was like shot and uh killed so i i tried to i try to call the mom uh to like figure out like you know do they want services blah blah blah mom was like hey text me so i text i was like hey this is mr khan i'm a school psychologist because i've never spoken to this mom i'm brand new this school everything's virtual i've never met this person it's my first interaction with this woman and i was like i'm so sorry to hear

about blah blah blah's brother um yeah i'm sorry for your loss i hope she's doing okay and blah blah blah and then the mom just wrote back. It wasn't her brother. It was her uncle and he's still alive. And you're like, well, it's a miracle. Congrats. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I got the wrong information. If she needs to talk, and the mom just never.

I was like, I get it. She thinks I'm an idiot. She's like, first of all, stop snitching. Get out of my business. Oh, I felt so dumb. I mean, that's not your fault. I know. I know.

You had bad intel. I had bad intel. It's like George Bush and WMD. I was going to say the same thing. I was like Donald Rumsfeld up in that bitch. Just pointing. Slam dunk. Just pointing to a picture of a random dead dude.

I'm like, all right, so here's her brother. That's her brother. This guy did it. I'm going to offer services here-ish. Oh, speaking of goofs, Karen and I, huge goof last weekend. You done goofed? It's huge. Oh, yeah and I, huge goof last weekend. You done goofed? It's huge. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did.

So last weekend was my first weekend where I was like, oh, cool. I can do shit. You're back. I'm back. I'm done. I like quarantined. I've been symptom free for like 10, 14 days at that point. So I was like, let's go.

We're going to do stuff. And then, you know. Yeah, I'm going to go outside, have energy. Like, you know, women, they, no, I'm just kidding. But Bill Burr does have that. It's just so funny like when you're a young comic and you hear older comics like talk about women, like all the dumb shit they do and not that or the or the corny stuff it's like how long you've been married oh boy good luck and the

whole crowd's like yeah but bill burr had this joke about how like women just see like an open weekend and they just want to fill it with like dumb shit you don't want to do and for the most part i do want to do all the dumb shit but there are a lot of times i don't want to do uh like shit that karen wants to do on the weekends and so yeah this last weekend karen did one of those things she was like hey let's rent a truck we'll drop off this dresser that we're going to give to one of our friends then we'll go pick up uh some patio furniture from my uh dying grandfather's house because he's not using it anymore and uh he's dying to give it away and he's also physically dying he's he's gonna die and i was like man i don't want to do this but uh you know you got to do it i live i've

been working at home this thing whatever so yeah i uh i rent a u-haul van i pick it up um we get to her grandfather's house he lives like a 25 minute drive from us and yeah um he has like a driveway that goes downhill and it ends at his like backyard and karen's like oh you can just drive into the grass and i'm like uh i don't and in my head because in my head i was like no i don't think so but earlier in the day we got in an argument about like about how like why don't you ever like listen to me or trust me my dislike and i was like all right fuck it but she wants to go in the grass we'll go in the grass and uh and it was also i trust you babe in my mind i was just like why like we're just picking up a table a patio

table and it's not that heavy like we can walk it yeah extra 15 feet like who right it's not like you it's not like you're like okay we have to get this piano right to the door from the truck you know yeah like it's yeah it's not super heavy you can walk it across the yard and that's the thing like i am a lazy person but i guess like i'm not i guess like i'm not lazy i don't know i don't maybe i'm not lazy but i it's listen you work smart not hard there you go but it is funny to see like because i like you know i do all the pretty much all the cleaning and stuff in in our house uh and then sometimes i'll tell karen i'm like karen you gotta fucking do. You know, like I'm not like doing this all the time. Again, standard relationship stuff.

I know. Fellas, you ever notice how you do all the cleaning? People are like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is so funny because that's just the opposite. I remember for years they get like, men are like, we never clean, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, dude, I do a lot of cleaning.

Yeah, there is like a big reversal there where like, yeah, I was like, I do do a lot. Like, I do all the cooking. I do all the cooking. And I do all the cleaning. And I get it. She goes to work. I stay at home. But, you know, even when i was going uh but uh yeah yeah pretty much

every girl i did besides mary mary is so clean it's amazing and and a great cook yeah it's like most a lot of girls are pretty messy you know yeah and uh karen is so messy she leaves shit out everywhere and not to like shit like i mean we are like so happy but these are like the little things that frustrate me like um yeah i put away ever like i don't understand people who come home and just like kick their shoes wherever throw their clothes wherever and like karen will do that shit and it like i'm like karen do you not see that like i never do that and she's like yeah well we're different i'm like i know but it's like disrespectful because we share a space where like i get it if it is yeah it's just funny how flipped it is and she's like yeah

because you're a bitch yeah i know well dude like all right here's an example we we three four weeks ago we fucking i um i hung extra like coat hanging hooks like you know like the two hooks that like um yeah like the octopus arm ones yes like they kind of look like a fish hook so there's like you know so you can hang two whatever we hung extra in our stairway that goes downstairs into the basement because we were hanging eight coats on just one hook behind our door that goes to the basement. It was just ridiculous. And it was her idea. Great idea. Now we can hang a bunch of coats. Great idea, babe.

This bitch comes home, just throws her coat on the couch on the dining room table on the fucking bedroom floor i'm like we hung hooks we measured we i brought out a drill bitch we got a pencil like i mean what are you doing it's it's so good because it's just this is like the role river i'm picturing your def jam and you're like and she's got dishes in the bitch yeah i know i'm like get her i cleaned up all this yeah i'm like you don't put the toilet seat down um yeah my tushy wasn't in the right place god damn yeah so like my squad my squatty potty was in the other room care yeah so like karen in like in that respect she's very lazy um like i'll have like when like sometimes i'm like hey i did all the cooking just fucking clean the kitchen or something you know um yeah or like

if she got done baking she'll be like i clean i'm like babe like you didn't clean there's still flour all over the counter she's like i couldn't see it i'm like yeah like you didn't clean there's still flour all over the counter she's like i couldn't see it i'm like yeah you still wipe if you don't see shit after you god now i'm just this is just turning into but whatever you still do like but when i live with eric yes uh friend of the pod and commit fellow comedian he was the same way he was just like, he would cook. Never clean. I mean, like, never. We would have to ask him. And I'm just like, how does this motherfucker not understand, like, even if it doesn't look dirty, there's shit all over the counter.

There's grease everywhere. Give it a wipe. Give it a wipe. Give a spray. Give it a wipe yeah give it a wipe give a spray give it a wipe my god marina like we can't even eat dinner knowing that there are dishes in the sink you know like it just like stresses us out to be like i can't really enjoy my meal because i know i have to do that and like so like oftentimes like our food will be like close to cold i mean it's warm still

but it's like okay we got to do these pots and stuff so like i'll try to like clean as i'm cooking right because yeah just having a having a sink full of dishes just stresses me say dude i can't go to bed last night i stayed up i do every night i do it i'll fucking yeah everything has to be in its place before i go to bed like agreed uh karen got mad at me because and i get it like i'm a psycho so i'm always like going behind her and fixing shit and she hates that which is annoying but like there's one day where she was already annoyed with me and um yeah she uh because i was like telling her to do stuff and she hates when i'm she's like umar don't give me chores and i'm like well i'm not giving you chores i'm just yeah and then yeah i could see as like a

cyclical like arguments like well i wouldn't give you chores if you already did it so she pushed in um one of the dining chairs but she like pushed it in so like haphazardly like it was all like crooked and so i just went behind her all off yeah the angles off i like it close to the legs and uh so i fixed it dude she i mean she got fucking pissed it was so funny i could not stop laughing but she was like legitimately mad she was like yeah so yeah good oh so uh what oh yeah so like well that's what i that's what i say. Like, she wasn't just mad about that. Like, she was mad about every time before. Yes, exactly.

So, now cut to with the U-Haul. She's like, let's put it in the yard. You're like, all right, babe. Put it in the yard. Yeah, exactly. So, the U-Haul, she's like, yeah, my cousin drove her car. She has a big SUV. And I'm like, yeah, all right, fuck it.

I think it's unnecessary, but what's the worst that could happen? And so we go. We load up the stuff. Karen's like, hey, I'm going to go lock up. I'm like, cool, I'll back out. So I back out. And there's like this, like, it's really a tight space. So I was going to have to like back, like just back out, like back out the whole way until I hit the street.

And so I have to like make like a turn, like a 90 degree turn to get on the back on the driveway, then go all the way up the driveway, which is like on a hill. So I'm backing up and the van, like it won't, it got stuck. So, but then I was like, all right, I'll just move forward. I'll like situate it so I don't go in that space again. But it had just rained maybe like a day before. And this van is like a two-ton van, I'm assuming. Or not two tons, maybe like a ton. It's probably at least a couple.

It's a big boy. Yeah, it's well over a thousand pound thing. I've looked at the U-Haul website. I'm pretty sure there are a million pounds. There are a million pound vans. So I back up again, and now I can't move forward. I can't reverse. And you just hear that, and you're just like, oh, my God, dude.

And the only thing I'm thinking is like, fuck, I didn't get insurance. I'm going to have to buy a fucking U-Haul van. I will kill myself. And it was funny because so then Karen comes out, and I'm like, fuck. I'm doing that thing where it doesn't make the other person feel good at all, where you're just like, what the fuck? We couldn't just stayed on

the fucking driveway and karen's like okay i'm sorry i know i'm sorry and uh yeah so i call i was like i don't know what to do i was like we're not telling you all and so um i called my insurance company i was like hey i don't know if you can help me, but I rented a U-Haul and it stuck. And she's like, I can just put you in touch with somebody and you guys figure it out. I'm like, all right, that's perfect. So then my phone battery is dying. I'm on like 8%.

I got to call this lady. I'm on hold. This lady picks up for a woman who works for a tow truck service is the most chill bitch in the world so she's just like like taking her sweet i'm like hey we need a and she's like she's like oh okay all right um so uh give me a second this computer screen's being real slow i'm like all right all right and then um and then i'm just like uh so then finally she gets a screen i'm like hey we this is what happened we need a tow truck to pull us out and she's like we only take cash and i was like what

she was like we only like you got to pay up, okay, but we don't have cash on us. And she's like, oh, we also take all major credit cards. And I'm like, but I was asking. I was like, we don't have cash. We have cards. And she was like, oh, that's fine. We take Visa, Master, and I was just like, all right, lady, I got the card. Here's the number. So she told us it's so stupid.

It's so frustrating. I'm just watching. I'm like, lady, here's the stupid. It's so stupid. It's so frustrating. I'm just watching my... I'm like, lady, I just... Here's the address. Here's the card. Yeah. Come here. Right.

So on the phone, she tells us it's 75 bucks. I'm like, that's nothing. Yeah. And so the tow truck guy gets there. And it was so weird because he got there and he just like all he did was say hello and immediately got on his phone and was just talking backed his truck up talking on the phone then he comes to us he's like they told you the wrong price and i'm like this guy is fucking us right now and he's like yeah it's not gonna be 75 and we're like okay well whatever and

there he was like it's gonna be like it's gonna be like 200 200 plus dollars and we're like okay we'll do it what the fuck's and it ended up being like 230 damn which sounds about right for a tow because tow truck drivers know you yeah you need They're like, all right, well, don't use this thing. And honestly, I was so nervous because you've seen those videos of people trying to tow something and the line just breaks or something falls. The whole bottom of the car falls out. Yeah. But dude, this guy was a pro because it was also in a weird angle so he backed the tow truck

got that wench thing that like cable yeah hooked it up he had the first he had to first do it in a way where the truck he had to move it 90 degrees so it was straight with the driveway then he had to re-situate all the stuff then he pulled the truck back up onto the um driveway it took like no time i love that it was so simple yeah yeah i saw that i saw that once where uh years ago um uh amanda's car uh my girlfriend at the time her car when we had that like huge snow it was like i don't know like three feet of snow plus when the plows came through it just like yeah it's like six feet on top of a car this tow truck driver just pulled her car out of the spot so rather than having to dig it out and so it was parallel parked on the street and he was able to pull her car out without messing it up at all just at like an angle and

pull it out of the snow yep it was amazing so cool yeah and that's what like i've been in so many situations where my i've been in like uh my cars broke down i have to call triple a i've been on an accident on the side of the highway and like nothing is ever as bad or hard like pretty much like most things like that have been figured out like in my mind for some reason i just see this truck or this van in this grass i'm like we're never getting this out of here you know i don't know why i thought that i was like i'm gonna like i would something's gonna get fucked up i'm gonna have to pay for this it's gonna be thousands of dollars yeah i'm so fucking pissed right now just for some shitty patio furniture just and the best part yeah just catastrophizing the whole thing

like the trucks oh yeah yeah oh dude i was like uh we're fucked yeah um and then the best part was like while we went to go pick up the furniture karen's like i know it's not what we want because it's just like a like an old school like metal you know like those like metal tables where it's like why like has holes because it's like all it's like mesh but like pick mesh yeah yeah yeah um and it's nice it's very clean because it was inside an indoor patio and karen's like i think we could sell this for like two hundred dollars nice and i remember like us having that i was like i don't think you can sell this for two hundred dollars at all but you can try and now it's like if you sell it for $200

we're still out like um cost 50 bucks to rent the u-haul and yeah 230 to so we're still out 80 bucks you're not even breaking even god yeah god we could have just bought really nice patio furniture with the money we spent to go pick up this piece of shit and and had it do we had it delivered two thirty two hundred eighty dollars we could have bought a fucking four piece patio yeah and you're just having a meltdown i never even thought of it like that until now you guys are in a big big fight well if i told karen that she would be so pissed yeah leave that don't mention that yeah hold on to that one uh yeah all right well on on that positive note merry christmas everybody merry christmas everybody uh yeah good luck and if you don't celebrate it just celebrate it celebrate it

please come on guys come on it's fun um yeah, man. Good luck in Georgia. Thanks, bro. That's where you're going, right? Oh, yeah. The Georgia. The devil's going down to Georgia. All right, man. I have an iPad.

Oh, no. I'm done. Sorry. Oh, yeah. No, I was going to say I got an iPad being delivered there. Oh, boy. I tell you. Let's hope it gets there.

I hope it doesn't get stuck in the mud. All right. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy holidays. Oh, yeah. Real quick. I'm doing stand-up on Saturday at the Tally Ho Theater in Virginia.

So, come on out to that. That's for the improv, right? Yes. Yeah. Via the DC Improv at the Tally Ho Theater. I'm excited. It should be fun. Those shows look really...

I heard the shows are really fun. Yeah. It looks good. I've done that theater once in the past with Ramin. It was pretty cool. All right. Well, yeah. Thanks for listening, everybody.

And Merry Christmas. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.