The Digression Sessions - Ep. 338 - Paradise Lost?

Episode Date: February 1, 2021

Hola Digheads, on this week's episode, Josh and Umar are back together but podding from a distance via Zoom to talk about the weird burnt page of Paradise Lost left on Josh's porch and Umar got the vaccine and it turned him straight. Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify plz!

record hello hey how are you everybody welcome back to the digression sessions we are here uh yeah just put out an episode last week a little bit late but hey my bad better late than never better late than never i forgot i totally blanked. I was like, because the way we do it is I send Josh my file, and then he layers. It's like we each have a track. Each voice has a track. And so I send him the file. Totally forgot to send it. When you were texting me like, oh, hey, dude, you never sent me the files.

I was like in the middle of grilling and I was like doing a million things at once. I was like, all right, I'll get it to you. And I totally blanked. It is funny because I'm like, look, I'm not going to beg. It was a good pod. But yeah, if we miss one, that's all right. They come and go. So yeah, got that got that up and uh hopefully

everybody enjoyed our hot takes on the uh raid on the capital isn't that funny that's like that's like old news now like talk about something else who cares that the capital was attacked and it was funny because they almost hung mike pence yeah that was nice but it was funny because uh when the capital is being attacked, like coronavirus is going out of control and it was just like not talked about for like the next several days. It was what, like 4,000 a day were dying or something? Yeah, that's insane.

I mean, the fact that we're above 400,000 is nuts, but they have a vaccine or two out now. Hey, I got mine. Umar. I understand. You recently got a vaccine. I got it. Don't get it, everybody.

I don't feel like myself. You feel straight? Got him. I feel... Damn it. No, yeah, it was fine. I got the Pfizer. Dude, I'll say this like

uh my mom is also my mom and dad can get the vaccine yeah and like i got it at the university of maryland downtown dude i uh it's just like with like you know it's in the city it's downtown parking is a nightmare. Finding the right building on any campus is always a nightmare. I was like, how many people are going to fuck this up? Like, there are so many stupid people or so many people who just can't even like drive in the city. You know, like, oh, it's going gonna be bad it's gonna be funny too to complain about a vaccine that was made in about a year for a once in a lifetime event like a global pandemic and it's free and there's

gonna be something it's like well now i gotta pay for fucking parking to get my vaccine against this uh pandemic it's always something oh dude i completely had that thought today i was like driving around i found a parking spot and i was like, yeah, I was like, oh, that was so easy. And then I go to the meter thing and the meter thing, like it's a newer one. And it says you can't park right now. Toe zone. I was like, oh, and then I find another spot. It's two dollars an hour, Josh.

Two dollars an hour. What are you made of money well i mean come on get the fuck out and i was also on the street it was like this is a street cars get broken it's like a cobblestone street i'm like god damn it can't they just fucking vaccinate me while i'm on my couch what the fuck so yeah so like it's just so funny i'm having all these thoughts as i'm going to get this vaccine for free i'm one of the first people ever to get it and i'm just like god damn it these pieces of shit and then yeah i think it's it's something like five percent of the u.s population has been uh vaccinated i'm so pumped uh i got antibodies and now the vaccine i'm superman true true i mean do your worst covet 19 do your worst come on other variants i dare you

oh we got a brazilian variant sounds hot it's probably just covet 19 with a big ass you know and huge fake tits yeah and then you got the british one with fucked up teeth she's probably just coming here to tell us the weather you know i hope so please have you seen the weather women in brazil it's out of control it's just like yeah it's just like they're porn stars and they dress like so scandalous yeah i feel like every other country is like yeah just have a hot chick with big boobs tell us what it's gonna be yeah he's going to be called they're like yeah all right you're amazing we got al roker that's our main news guy yeah we yeah for america or like what if nerds just did it like that topper shut guy brazil probably like they hold uh you know they're like hot um they hold their like hot uh weather

women in such high esteem and they see america she's like oh they're like a blank guy do it like and honestly he's not even that hot what are we doing his ass isn't even that big yeah they were like man i guess i guess america really feels bad about slavery yeah i mean yeah that guy doesn't even have a big ass or boobs what are we doing what are we doing well he did have a big ass at one point then he got his tummy tuck surgery remember that remember he used to be like huge he was huge i think he shit his pants too on air because of that he was like oh this is like a complication or something from like the uh because i think he got the lap band surgery where they literally put what like a

like a rubber band on your stomach so you can't eat as much that's the idea but i think people eat through that thing how crazy is that just that it exists in general or that people you can't stop eating to the point where like you have to get your stomach like made smaller what's crazier is that people eat through it like i snapped yeah that's pretty tight dude that's commitment can you imagine like you feel so full and then it snaps and you're like wait a minute i got some room now yeah yeah man that would be a bummer but dude my eating's been pretty nuts but not like that's what i think i'm like because sometimes i'm like man should i just eat whatever I want? Because it kind of happened.

I'm not gaining weight, but I know that's how it gets you. That's how it gets you. Yeah. I mean, I pretty much eat what I want. I mean, it's just like eating good food typically makes me feel better. But yeah, I'm eating like a shit ton of pasta, but I usually just mix in a bunch of veggies and stuff. Yeah. It's funny because I used to do that thing.

I'm like, well, if I eat something shitty, but if I eat like a vegetable with it. Balance it out. I'm like compromising with my own self. Yeah. What if I put an onion on this Frito? Then that's health health that's health right there baby yeah i try not to eat like uh i try to eat i try to wait as long as possible during the day to eat really like on some like faux intermittent fasting thing yeah i'm just because

like dude i like i'm trying to curb it but like several nights of the week you know i'm just like good times pig and like going yeah ham dude just snacking right it's nuts and so i'm like so that my goal is i'm like all right i'll just starve myself as much as i can sometimes the next day i won't eat until dinner so i feel like i'm balancing it out yeah that's weird yeah i guess yeah man i guess that's intermittent fasting um plus now that i got a taste for beer with these high lives dude also i gotta say after you stop there's something in uh those hard seltzers because after you stop drinking them for a while then you pop one open you're like oh this is all chemicals oh yeah i think you just get used to it so gross

dude i don't think i can drink those anymore yeah i'm like there is something in here they're hiding these are cigarettes oh there's no way these are good for you i mean yeah you are just drinking a can of chemicals but they're like but there's no carbs you're like all right because i just thought they were putting vodka in it but it's not it's like um shit babe what's in those hard seltzers oh she doesn't know her friend told us but another neither of us remember I thought it was like... Malt liquor. It's malt liquor. Yeah. Well, yeah, because the sugar or like the alcohol comes from like the fermentation of sugar, I think, basically, right? Sure.

I have no idea. It's something like that where it's like there's no sugar in it, but it's like basically made from sugar. Yeah, exactly. So technically, it's not like we put sugar in there right karen's gonna be our producer she's looking it up but all right uh can she do the weather or how big is her ass you do the weather babe she's got a pretty sizable ass but the there you go i'm just kidding, babe. I love your boobs.

Wow. Umar, you're quite the romantic. Come on. I'm kidding, baby. I love your tits. Yeah, I love your tits. You know I love your tits. Dude, when I was on the boardwalk at Ocean City one time.

From fermenting all natural cane sugar. Fermenting all natural cane sugar. That's what you were just saying. Yeah. Truly. Those are trulys. Mm-hmm. And what's White Claw?

But that's like the same thing as malt liquor, right? It's going to be like White Claw is going to be like fermented deer. You think Colt 45 is all that? No. I mean, that's why I drink it because Colt 45 is organic. Yes. But yeah, like saying like there's no carbs in this like chemical shit as being like here's a gluten-free cigarette it's like well yeah but you shouldn't focus on that it's just so funny

because like i was just downing that like dude i would drink like eight in a night sometimes i'm like who cares it's just water and then you're like oh yeah like this is what they do every fucking like panera got me dude when panera first came out oh yeah you're like oh there's fucking padding on the seats this place is healthy and then you find out dude i would get those like frontega chicken sandwiches those are a thousand a fucking just from bread uh they give you like a couple of slices of meat and cheese and it's a thousand calories bro yeah well that's the thing they're like fucking insane because dude and i was like oh i'm getting soup and in a bread bowl this is healthy that's what i was gonna say they're like hey dude do you want

soup and then you can eat the container it's in you fat fuck and you're like you know what yes i do and since i'm being healthy i'll take an apple as a side please thank you what the fuck we're like suburban what are suburban parents thinking i mean like all my friends parents we had like we we would do like fundraiser nights at panera but dude people when panera came to my neighborhood, it was like huge. Like huge. Like we would go out there for dinner as a family. And it was so common.

Yeah, and it's just fast food, but you just dress it up differently. And you're like, oh, wow. I know. We are so dumb. We get tricked every time, bro. Old country buffet, come on. No, that's trashy. know yeah exactly that's where we draw the line it's like panera is just fast food too but they're like look at the color it's kind

of orange and like yeah muted color uh but uh people are like that with wegmans people go fucking nuts for wegmans oh don't even get me started yeah i did uh i did a gig with matt bergman last year and it was in pennsylvania and on the way up there there was a wegmans and he's like oh i love wegmans i want to stop here and i was like all right so we stopped but you know they have like they have like the little like restaurants and things in there you know what i'm talking about yeah um there you see this folks folks you see this folks you seen this you heard you see these restaurants that they got in the wegmans over there you're in a grocery store but it's a restaurant you seen this? Folks, you seen this? You heard it? You see these restaurants that they got in the Wegmans over there?

You're in a grocery store, but it's a restaurant. You seen this? What's this about? Why do they call it restaurant-mans? You know what I'm saying? So they... I mean, any restaurant technically is a grocery store. They just don't sell their fruits and vegetables. How come they don't sell their fruits and vegetables, huh?

What are they doing? But this one does. This one does, folks folks anyways that's literally a seinfeld bit in the show and people would be like that would like die like he's good he's yeah people are like ah seinfeld is so good anyway sorry it's fast food but what a grocery store sell food but slow how come they're not called slow food you gotta cook the food it should be um but like there were just so many people there and so many people eating there and they're just like man it's supposed to be healthy i'm like this is

shit pizza this is shit chinese food there is a group of like four older women and they're all like playing cards and like they're all done up and stuff you're like i was like i know this is their saturday night like every saturday like let's get together at the wagmans we'll fucking play i don't know oh yeah or whatever i i know i like whatever we're like city liberal elitist but like it is so tough when you go to the county and you're like fuck people live like this i mean they are animals bro like well i mean there was part of it which is also funny because they should see how we live i have like litter and shit on the side of my house like what is this oh they're like oh you think it's you think eating at a uh I don't know, a chain restaurant is gross?

You have murder in your backyard, asshole. Yeah, you're right. But they're like, oh, interesting. I'm an animal because I went to an establishment that's clean. That's interesting. You went to a place where people working there hate you. They hate serving you. But yeah, exactly.

Like crime everywhere. Yeah, I can literally see dudes like buying drugs probably like once a day once a day and we have a guy like how do you live like that in the county such a vanilla life yeah dude wake up fuck wegmans like okay here we go best grocery stores and uh mine's like basic i think i'll say this like i used to be Trader Joe's boy when I was in college, but now I'm a Trader Joe's man now. Yeah, but now I'll go there every once in a while, but like I got to say man, if you live in it, okay, if you live in the city and you want good meat, I think you have to go to like a Whole Foods. I don't think there's... Or a butcher. I don't think any grocery store in the city has like actual good meat besides Whole Foods. That's the only reason I like going there. Yeah.

I thought Giant had... You go there... I thought Giant... It's... Giant had like decent steaks, I remember, over the summer a couple times. Decent. Yeah. They have like USDA choice and stuff.

Sure. Go to Whole Foods. You'll be a different man. I mean, yeah. Listen, I'm mostly plant-based these days. So, you know, it's fine. Well, because what I want is I want a thick cut steak because they cook better, you know, and Giant just doesn't have it.

Yeah, I don't know. They had some decent ones. We used to get some nice New York strips at Giant. I like that. That's my favorite. Yeah, those are good. But yeah. Oh, sorry.

I thought Karen was talking to you. Hold on, Karen. We're reheating a fabulous dinner I made last night. Hold on. Just keep your eye on it. See if it's hot. Oh, yeah. Put the sweet potatoes in there. Are they hot?

We're just reheating them, babe. Yeah, they might not be good. We might throw them out. Anyway, sorry, guys. It's all right. I made a lamb shank last night and my God, it was I would say it's guys i made a i made a lamb shank last night and my god it was i i would say it's top

three things i've made you're uh you're on your joe rogan shit again you know oh sorry hunting at whole foods oh you don't yeah bro yeah somebody texted me today or like dm me because they saw a picture of my lamb post and they're like oh i feel like people like are weird about admitting that they eat lamb and i was like i've never met because they're like a cute animal so people don't want to eat them and i'm like i've never heard i thought yeah eating lamb was like a very accepted yeah it's not like you're like here's this baby lamb that i've roasted for hours i don't know like what's the difference between that and a cow nothing i grew yeah like i grew up eating lamb goat my mom would make like literally like goat brains bro

they're not bad you know uh we were talking a lot of shit about panera but they're goat brains in a bread bowl pretty good there you go pretty pretty good like, oh, speaking of suburbia, like, and I know, whatever. I'm a douche. Yes, I'm too cool to be in suburbia, everybody. The suburbs suck. There's nothing. No, there are some cool things about that. What are some cool things about the suburbs?

Driveways. That's pretty nice. Driveways. Parking lots. I wouldn't mind having a goddamn driveway a little bit of space um and i could get one true that's true you would have to give up your backyard yeah yeah but you could extend your deck over it you know what i mean that would be interesting i would yeah you know what that's? That would be interesting. You know what? That's the move. Extend your deck over it. Just have a cool-ass deck, dude, and put some raised garden beds on it.

Come on. Pretty interesting. Urban oasis. I like it. And I think the people at Griffiths, the townie bar across the street, they will love it. Dude, I love it. Yeah, I got all these i uh i have like oh man ever since like uh corona i've become a an outdoorsman yeah i know lighting fires all the time you guys gotta come over man we gotta do a fire i would love to yeah

yeah all right let's set one up good yeah I have to get my fire pit back from Paul. Yeah, dude. Do it. Yeah. The best. Listen, I was thinking so quick. I know. I know.

I was thinking about getting the old chimney for the deck, too. Dude, I thought about getting a chimney as well. In addition to my fire pit. We suck. Just for extra. We're like people go to Wegmans or dorks. We're you know i thought about getting a chimney since it's so chilly outside meanwhile yeah and meanwhile everything from my house is from west elm because i'm a piece of shit almost everything fuck you guys my house is cool i defy you to find a cooler house than mine well hey hey listen my house is uh pretty cool

it's cool your house is grand true true i mean now that i got that island oh i wanted to talk about the island is sick the island is killer the fucking uh so i was uh that box that showed up on my porch that was so weird yeah cool story i was gonna i was like i'm not gonna even text him because i want to save it for the podcast this all right so set it up this is so this is a good one this is very are you scared no it um i haven't seen anything since But okay, so Sunday I go to my dad's and we're watching football. And the games are both on like the last game started at like 640. So I don't think I got home until, I don't know, like 1030 or close to 11 or something like that. I also borrowed Paul's Costco card.

So I had to return that. Speaking of constantly... Oh, you returned his stuff and you didn't return yours. Wow, that's interesting. Interesting, isn't it? How long has he had your fire pit? That he graciously let me use his card. Damn, dude.

For a while, but it's fine. Yeah. Listen, he's a busy boy. Busy boy. Having a baby. Anyway, sorry. Yeah. So, yeah. So, I get home and I have shit from Costco in the car.

And then as I'm like parking on the side of the house, like, oh, there's a box on my porch. And I could see the Amazon tape on it. But the box is like kind of open. And I'm like, I don't even remember. Well, first I'm like, oh, fuck. Somebody stole my shit from amazon because then yeah it was also like closer to the steps and normally amazon like puts it closer to the door kind of like behind the chairs that i have out there

and uh then i get closer i'm like oh it's fucking empty somebody took something and then i was like oh well i didn't even order anything from amazon um and i was like oh it's like an old box that i put out in the alley for recycling but it's big and it's empty and i thought it was empty but the only thing inside of it was a burnt page of paradise lost that's crazy what the fuck is this wait didn't someone point out that it's actually like uh like it's not actually the poem it's like someone talking about the poem so i noticed that too so just at the bottom like at the very bottom of the page it has the page number and then it says paradise lost and then that was my first thing is i went to like okay did somebody put this page here specifically like some passage in it or whatever yeah and then i was looking at it and

like reading it and it was like oh this is like an analysis of paradise lost because they're like of course on page and blah blah blah but then from there i'm like well what is this saying like is the analysis somehow about me or whatever but yeah paradise lost is all about uh the devil being the devil being cast out of heaven essentially and like the devil when he was an angel and then so he gets cast out because he's like uh when he was lucifer but he was like i'd rather rule in hell than serve in heaven so that's like one of the big lines from it but i'm like what the fuck is this and then like my mind goes to like horror movies and stuff and i'm like this is so and it was like burned in a way that like looked intentional there's like diagonal like lines in it and stuff yeah um all right do you

think someone's upset that you didn't collapse your box before putting it out for recycling that's quite possible that you made piece of shit here's the thing here's the thing i usually do collapse it and uh maybe i did have it coming maybe i did maybe coming um also you don't suspect anybody i don't know so people are like maybe it's karen you know like that's what i was i was like he broke off an engagement but yes or it could be one of her friends but karen's also not the literary like and i'm not either but i'm saying like karen would karen would be like yeah that bitch don't read she She don't read shit. She's probably hanging out at Wegmans. Damn, that bitch don't read. Yeah, she hanging out at Wegmans in the county.

That's just not her style to be like, yes, let me comb through the books of yore and see if there's a relevant passage about Lucifer that is relatable to Josh in some way. And then I'll burn it. But I'll burn it just a little bit and I'll put it on his porch in an open amazon box like no she's not that's crazy dude she's not the type to do that so but yeah and i was i was actually uh i was on the phone with mary and i was like what the fuck is this and she was like okay do you want to sleep at my apartment tonight and i was like no i think it's okay um i wish i had a ring app or like adt camera um so i saw who it was but yeah i went inside and i was like this is fucking weird though and like um i went out in the alley and i was well, maybe there's a bunch of just like burnt pages of Paradise Lost out there. But then also like that, I would be like, oh, that makes me feel better that maybe like there was like more and somehow this one accidentally got in my box.

But then it's also like, wouldn't it be horrible if there's just a ton of burnt pages of Paradise Lost in the alley? Yeah. pages of paradise lost in the island yeah i also just don't know like if that happened to me there's like no one who i would be like it's got to be this person you know yeah i mean i don't yeah it was very very weird and then um yeah and then i looked out front too to see if there were other pages. There weren't. So, yeah. So, the only thing that I can think of what it would be is that I had the box in the alley. It was super windy last week. Maybe the box like blew down the alley somehow. And then somebody like grabbed it and then put it on my porch because my address is on the box.

And they slipped that paper in there? And that page blew in there from somebody else's garbage. There is a church across the street too, so maybe they were burning this sacrilegious book. I don't know. Damn, dude. Even if they were just returning that box and the person that returned it didn't put that

page in there, it's a real weird move to give somebody an empty Amazon box. Like, why? The whole thing was very weird. Yeah, it's crazy. Well, we'll see if you're live next week for a pod or if you get another package.

Listen, this might be how I end up on Netflix. I thought it was going to be comedy. It might be a documentary about how I got murdered. Yeah. All right. I get it. You guys are like, break down your boxes. Listen.

What did you say, Karen? I normally do. I heard you, babe. He said he normally does. And I'm starting to suspect it was her. Oh, he thinks it might have been you, babe. Yeah, you hear that? You hear that?

She's all like, did he learn his lesson? Does he want to play a game? Did he learn? Does he want to play a game? Yeah, nothing crazy like that has ever happened to me uh i've never had a secret have you ever had a secret admirer yes i've never had that yes what yeah when uh high school what happened what like what do they do oh nothing weird so it actually really worked out in my favor once

where um uh so um i think i was in like 11th or 12th grade and uh this girl was into me and i didn't know it she was in my spanish class and i think the school is doing like a fundraiser where you could buy a rose for somebody for a dollar and um me and this girl we would like joke around but it was like never anything serious and then so the roses would all get like delivered during school hours and so when they were delivering them there was one to this girl from me and then she got me one as well and she was just like oh my god you got me a rose and i was like you bet and i did not do it but somebody did it as like a prank to be like i'm gonna get one for her because i think he likes her or something like that and it actually works out in my favor. She's like, did you get me one? I was like, you bet I did.

There it is. Like somebody like. Hell yeah, dude. Somebody like faked my name on it and stuff. And I was like, cool. Thank you. It was actually an ex-girlfriend did that. That was like, ooh, I'm going to get him on this one. Oh, wow.

What a weird move. And I was like, thank you. That actually works. I, oh, man. So that reminds me of something. Uh, uh, I don't think anyone listens like that would be offended by this, but, uh, so I won't say I won't be specific, but this kid I grew up with, we got together this past weekend to play some disc golf and, uh, he's, uh, and he knows this. He admits it.

He's an alcoholic and he has like issues. Anyway. And you're his secret admirer. Look, man, we got to fill time and we're all just sitting at home. There's no shows. We don't have stories. We don't have like things to talk about. Trump's gone.

Who gives a shit it's over? I mean, not over, but it's like... Hold on. Talk about him or something? Hold on real we gonna talk about him or something hold on real quick to talk about him did you see the trump oh okay trump opened the uh office of the ex-president and like he released a press statement and it has like a presidential seal on it and stuff he's like i will officially be doing business from the office of the ex-president. It's like that's... Is that real?

Yeah. And it's not like a government. Oh my God. And it's not affiliated with the government in any way. There's no office of the ex-president. I love it. Is he in Florida? Is that where he is?

Yeah. He's at his fucking club, Mar-a-Lago or whatever. Wow. That's crazy. Is he going to have to show up for the senate hearings if he's on trial because he's not a president so he can sit trial right uh yeah i don't he wasn't there the last time i don't think he has to be there but that's because the sitting president doesn't oh no they do yeah what are you talking about yeah normally you're sorry normally you're there you're with your witness

defendant he's that well yeah he's a defendant but yeah he could be there but i don't think he has to be there yeah anyway so uh i hang out with my i don't know if this is an interesting story but it's just like i hang out with this dude we grew grew up together. We stopped hanging out after high school. Anyway, he always tries to reconnect. So we were like, Oh yeah, fuck it. I'll play some disc golf with you this weekend. So it's like a bunch of his buddies.

They're all super cool. But we just became completely different people. Oh, since you've known him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Once you get to like high school and then you realize like a lot of your friends are friends because of geography you know you you just like go no it's fine but like not not i want another beer karen can you grab me a beer

uh and not that it's a bad thing but yeah you get to high school and you're like oh well i'm into this and they're not into that you grow apart from people you know no part blah blah blah he became like a jock a bro whatever not that it's and then i was like i shop at hot topic i'm cool you know and uh uh so i was like yeah i was just like this more like trying to be like a punk like fucking weirdo dude and so we were just like way different i was like yeah i was just like this more like trying to be like a punk like fucking weirdo dude and so we were just like way different i was straight edge he was like partying like crazy which i guess now he's an alcoholic uh makes sense but um it's just funny to be like hey

hey babe babe give me another beer anyway this guy he's a fucking mess he loves yeah but seriously babe where's that beer i I mean, come on. It's almost like she doesn't remember that you complimented her tits, you know? I know. These broads. Anyway. I was going to say, their small brains don't have much memory, huh? Ooh.

So we're like, yeah, so we grew apart but then like maybe like four or five years ago he'll like text really randomly about wanting to hang out he wants to get like the group back together and i'm like i don't think the group wants to get back together but he always keeps like mentioning it and you're like oh i guess all right cool I mean, it would be fun, but I don't understand why he's so hard-pressed on it. Some people just are. They just want to recreate the high school days. I don't know. Yeah, and in some ways, when we were hanging out, I'm like, oh, yeah, I remember that person.

That was cool. That was nice. So I guess I get it. Yeah. But then I'm also just like, ah, do I want to like revisit that? Like it's going to bring up all this weird stuff or it's just like I'm so different now. It was just awkward. Yeah.

Unless you were like insanely good, good friends. It's yeah, it's a weird vibe, too weird vibe too to be like yeah let's try to recreate this it's like no no i've moved on and it's good you should move on like if your best days were high school that's a real problem yeah it's insane uh or even like college you know like yes college is cool but it shouldn't be your best days yes your best days can't be the days where you have uh a card that uh your parents put money on for you to get food that can't be your best days yeah you can't be like yeah my parents just loaded up my meal card so if you guys actually want to get extra sodas, we can.

Or who wants sushi? Dude, a buddy. Who wants a cucumber roll? I never lived on campus, but my buddy, he got arrested because he would always sneak into the food hall where it was like, you know, a buffet style. Yeah. And he got caught one time and he got arrested. Isn't that hilarious?

Arrested by like real police i guess they got the real police the police stations on campus yeah right there at the top of the hill but anyway what are we talking about uh oh yeah reliving so we're all like hanging out and uh sorry i'm just thinking i'm like should we storm the uh the uh cafeteria the dining hall should we storm i think we should i think we should storm it yeah exactly and gotta say i would go in the dining hall every now and then i think i had to pay like 10 bucks or something not great dining halls are not good the dining hall at umbc sucked it'd be so funny yeah you could see how they would recycle food like one night they would be like have our peppers and sausage whatever dinner and then the next

night they're like have our mashed potatoes with peppers in it like did you guys just order too many peppers and you're like dude yeah i was thinking about that like uh just think about like how it's just so crazy that like i don't know like 10 years ago you're just like this person who's like fucking eating in dining halls and hanging out in dorm rooms you know it's just yeah and it's like i don't think i could do that again like i think about like adults who go back to college that's insane to me well i don't think they're like they're not living on campus they're not like hey babe could you load up my meal card me and the boys are gonna play xbox once you get to adult life the idea of going to class taking notes doing all that reading studying i that is a lot man see you don't understand it now but i think when i get it if people are retiring they're like i don't know

what am i gonna do with that no i'm saying way way different i totally get that i'm talking about like people who are like 30 and going back to school. Well, yeah. I mean, you got to do it. Even if you're going back for a PhD or a master's or something, I'm just like, fuck. Because I did it. Even my master's program. Dude, I would be on campus from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. It sucked.

I would pack every meal. Like every meal I had to pack it sucked wow i was making five thousand dollars a year i was making five thousand dollars a day and i still packed my meals and that's how i can afford all this west elm furniture yeah it's crazy you're just like fuck i would never and there was like then i barely i felt like grad school like grad school killed me there's a dude in there who's 27 he's an orthodox jewish guy so he got married early he has three children and a wife unreal uh i do yeah i mean with that with like your time i'm like how do you have time to do any of this?

I don't know. I just I just I hate doing homework so much. Same. I just never want to do it. That is the thing where I'm like, I do kind of take that in sometimes. I'll be like eating dinner in my underwear. I'm like, yeah, I did it. I did homework once. Yeah. I don't have to ever do it again and it got me here that is though the one thing about my job though i still feel like i have homework because my job doesn't end um we have like deadlines reports counseling notes yeah so you have like you do shit during like school hours but then yeah like weeks later you have a report

due on yeah sure and then like you know you procrastinate so then you're doing it the night before because you're a fucking idiot so you're still living that college life but i got summers off what are you gonna do true but yeah do you ever feel like that you were gonna be past that you're like now that i have a job i got my masters yeah i'm gonna be ahead of stuff i'm gonna i'm gonna take a saturday get put in a couple hours and get ahead of this thing yeah i remember being like oh dude yeah like oh i i'm a slacker now but when i get a real career like i'm not gonna be a slacker and yeah i'm just a fucking idiot and but dude here's the thing everyone is the i'm one of the better ones about getting stuff in on time, you know, like, because I have anxiety.

They're like, people are so, some people don't do counseling notes. You're supposed to do counseling notes a day. You do them. No one does it. We all do them at like, we all do all of our notes on one day of the month, like the day before they're due. Right, right. But I, this year, year i've been so good about it there's only like two months i fucked up on but i've been i'm caught up right now but anyway most people do them one day the day before they're due yeah i'm i'm there's some motherfuckers who have like four months of notes not written and if your boss caught you i mean like i i like i would cry if i if i got

caught like doing that i was gonna say that's that's the thing that keeps me doing a good job is i don't want to be embarrassed and i don't want to feel like exactly and i don't want to feel like i'm letting other people down either i mean it does feel good to get get shit done but yeah i have such a thing where i'm like no no, no, no, you work hard and you have responsibilities. You have to get those done. People are counting on you. Which is fine. This whole notion that people have to like school,

I think is so dumb. I think it would be nice. But I remember I dated a girl who was so into school. I mean, she used to be a teacher, but also she was just like, I love school. And I would want my kids to love education. I'm like, no, fuck like who gives a shit like yeah they just need to do it and soak it in and use it they don't have to like it it's fine yeah because i didn't ever like it most i don't know anyone that liked

it yeah it's it's a tool i mean... What a nerd thing to say. Ugh. I love learning. Learning is cool, but school sucks. You heard it here first. Hey, dude, that should be a lyric in a pop punk song. Learning is cool, but school sucks. And fuck you for breaking my heart. Yeah. And I learned that you're a bitch.

Yeah. my heart yeah and i learned that you're a bitch oh yeah the uh oh fuck what was i gonna say yeah i um yeah you have to use it like a tool right like you have to be like yes yeah i'm doing this and i'm gonna do it well it doesn't mean i like it but this is gonna open up doors later i was um kind of in that vein i was on some interview panels for work recently. So it's just over the phone. Keep talking. I'm going to get a beer. Okay. So it's just the, it's four people and we're interviewing people over the phone.

And it sucks because you have to just ask them the same questions. We had the same seven questions and we would kind of like rotate who's asking the questions but you couldn't ask any follow-up questions or anything like literally one of the questions was describe your communication skills and then this person on the phone's like i i'm pretty good at email like it's just such a weird question like i'm pretty straightforward and anyway one of the other questions was like why do you want to be an analyst here like why do you want to work for this and like that should never be a question the only reason anybody ever takes a job is because they want money and they want more money than they're making now like i hate that that's a question like but that's the thing dude you got to do that bullshit dance like i hate that that's a question like but that's a thing

dude you got to do that bullshit dance like i did all that you know when i was applying to jobs of course applying to internships was so i had an interview just like that but worse uh dude so you like it was for howard county and like they're howard county so they're all like stuck up their own ass they think they're like oh fucking the howard it's like they're howard county so they're all like stuck up their own ass they think they're like fucking the howard it's like they're one of the richest counties in the world a country um so wait we have howard county and montgomery county as like two super rich counties yeah columbia is like one of the richest cities in america i think no shit i mean yeah people have money in columbia no doubt no doubt i mean. And it still sucks. Rich people have horrible taste.

People live in Colombia. They go eat at Cheesecake Factory. God, they're so dumb, but they make so much money. They got a pretty good Whole Foods out there. Yeah. Rich people have horrible taste, dude. When you go to like a rich person's home, you're like, ugh, it's so gaudy. It's disgusting.

I mean like super rich people. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. it's so gaudy it's disgusting like i mean like super rich people yes like that yeah yeah i was yeah i was talking to mary about that how like aesthetics of rich people now is so much rustic stuff like sliding like barn doors and stuff in the house is that so funny why uh no hgt hgtv like does all that shit that's a big yeah that's absolutely like a Chip and Joanna Gaines. But it's so funny that it's like a barn. Literally, the style of a barn is so expensive to have in your house. You're like, pretty good, huh? But if they met somebody that's a farmer, they'd be like, ew.

Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. Your interview in Howard County. Yeah, so in my grad school program like it's a three-year program the third year's a full-time paid internship but because they're paid and they're paid like decent for like a student you know they're like we're talking like uh like from like 18 to like 25 000 um you have to interview for them and like school psych is like such a small thing that like you're

it's really competitive um yeah so not everyone is guaranteed a paid spot right so there's like what like how many students like 18 15 to 20 or something there's like 13 in our cohort but then there's like four or five other schools sometimes you're competing with other kids in cunt from other states yeah and there's like 10 spots or something ridiculous um yeah like baltimore city takes the most they took four damn wow or maybe like not the most but they pay the most and they took four. A lot of places take two or three or... Yeah, it just depends. But so it's very competitive. Just to get interviews, you're like, oh, thank God I got an interview.

So Howard County, their interview sucks. Like you go, they give you the questions ahead of time. Oh, no. First you go, they give you a writing prompt. So they give you an answer and you have 45 minutes to write an essay on the spot about how you would deal with this issue like real life issue in the school before you get into the interview before the interview then after that they give you a set of 10 questions that they're going to ask in that order in the interview and

you can take notes they then give you like 10 minutes to do that they take that paper away they put then they're like well you'll have it in front of you when you go into the room so then you go into the room you're sitting at the foot of this like half circle boardroom type table you're sitting at the head of it everyone's staring at you they put a clock in front of you hit start then you just have to answer every question wow each person uh reads like so the first person would read question one then i would answer it first person read question two and i like bombed i i wish i had the like if now this person me like was at that table i I'd be like, you know what, guys?

I'm not going to, this isn't going to go well. I don't fit in here. I don't want to work with you guys. You're not going to want to work with me. I'm done. I yield back my time. Thank you. Yeah, man.

There was one question where I was just like, I don't know. I haven't learned it yet. Dude, I, yeah, I had to do a phone interview. And then, yeah, I had to do an in-person interview on the phone interview they asked me something that had no fucking i didn't even know it existed they were like okay so what would you do to make the social security trust fund solvent i was just like i don't know what i don't know what solvent means what are you talking about i was just like i don't know what i don't know what solvent means what are you talking i was just gonna say i have no idea what that means so it basically means like the money that we

pay into social security it's depleting so how would you make it so it doesn't go bankrupt essentially uh but i know the answer now yeah i mean it would take legislation now like i didn't even know what the social security trust fund was so like we all pay money into this thing and then so when you retire you're supposed to get it back sure however it's going down because the baby boomers retired so a bunch of people are taking from it plus there's disability and the biggest thing that i did learn um is that social security taxes um the highest they can go is for people making 108 000 a year so the same person that makes 108 000 a year versus a person that makes like two million dollars a year they put in the same amount into social security that is horrific

so they'd have to change it with legislation so So if they did that, it'd be like, all right, millionaires are now paying X amount. Why is it so hard to change tax law? I think a lot of Trump tax cuts are here to stay or something. Same with Bush. So to get the House and the Senate to agree on that is really hard. Because it's just... Then how do they get passed? Because Trump had the... He had the House and the Senate when they did that.

That was like both Republican controlled. And then there was a blue wave. Yeah, exactly. Two years later. So he got that done in his first two years. But yeah, it's so politicized. It's like, oh, you want to tax these people, these hardworking job creators? Blah, blah blah blah anyway so so yeah it was like a question

like that and i was like i and i was like well what you do is you stay diligent you take a look at the numbers and i guess they just wanted to see like how i'd respond to something i don't know maybe or something but i remember getting in an argument because my grandma she's a really good writer and so she went over my resume and i got an argument with her where i was like she was like you should put that you play guitar in bands on your resume in like the other like interest section and i was like no that's so stupid why would i do that no way no i did it and then on the call that was one of the things they asked about paper moon diner and they asked about the band that i play in and then later when i got hired they're like yeah your resume stuck out

because i was like oh this guy he's into history and he plays guitar that's pretty cool and i'm like what the fuck like i like work so hard no like you play guitar interesting oh and uh so what do you think about the uh the box on my on my porch is that just like a coincidence on top of coincidence or no i think someone put it there uh it could have been like a last minute spur of the moment thing no seems thought out doesn't it the burning the book but the page the page is so weird like why why that page i don't know it makes no sense so it doesn't yeah definitely that's a bummer freaked me out for a second it is funny like for

like an hour i was like what the fuck and then like i googled it a little bit i was like all right i'm gonna go to bed like that was just googled what like paradise lost how many people oh god just like did like a little bit of research like what does this passage mean or well maybe it's just someone who really wants you to read more yeah i so i thought it was so i have like kind of a weirdo neighbor you might remember him when uh yeah when he lived here he uh he always just like walks his dog but he oh the gay guy you know yes uh i didn't want did he move no he's still there so i thought it might be him just because he's like very interested in like people's lives like i'll see him walking his dog and he's like literally looking in people's houses and stuff one time um i had i was in the back where

uh in my backyard and um i was i was selling stuff on craigslist so i was in the back and i was like telling people or selling stuff on the facebook marketplace and i was like getting stuff out of the basement to like bring it out and he was walking down the alley and i thought it was somebody that was like buying something because i was like yeah i'll come out and i'll bring it and i just saw like a shadowy figure um by my fence and i was like uh i was like hey are you looking to uh get this tv stand or whatever it was and he was like oh looks like you're busy and i was like what the but i was trying not to like do that and like literally umar like i could just see his eye just through the fence like he was like that is so crazy he was like pressed up against the fence and he's like yeah i saw you were busy so like what the fuck and i was like yeah you know i'm

just kind of cleaning out the basement and putting the stuff you know selling it on facebook and he's like he's like oh i need to do that my house is just filled to the brim with stuff but you know i always think to myself well what if i need it one day and i'm like oh my god you're a hoarder like that's yeah but then also like he was just still there and i was like well, talk to you later. So... Dude, do you think that guy, like... Oh, go ahead.

Oh, I was just going to say. So I thought it was him that put the box on the porch. No. Because he's always walking around and then maybe saw the box in the alley and then, like, put it on my porch. But I asked him today. I saw him walking his dog. But how would the paper get in there? I don't know umar that's why i was hoping

there are a bunch of burnt pages in the alley that somehow ended up in the box man who knows i don't fucking know it's bizarre though it's very very weird oh that kind of reminds me like uh when karen and i first started dating uh we started dating in the fall so in the winter it snowed that winter and um i guess like somebody kept writing like messages on her car in the snow like you rock karen and like you're cool like and she thought it was me i want to drink your blood karen you're cool yeah and it like and i was like no it's not she's like come on it's you and i'm like no it's not she's like come on it's you and i'm like no and then like she texted some other people and they were like no i promise it's

not me ended up being like her neighbor across the street who's like this like you know fucking like white trash druggy guy he's very nice like he's very nice yeah but it's just so funny because then after that like um he would, Karen would tell me he would say things to her like, oh yeah, I was going to say hi, but I saw you were with that brown guy or something. You know, I used to think. And I can't lie. Yeah.

He's like, I used to think you were nice, but I saw you with that brown guy. Most likely like a Trump. Yeah. Most likely he's a Trump supporter. It's just like, you know, it's just like i was like you know it's just like he's envious of who i get to have sex with it's nice it's a nice feeling yeah absolutely i'm picturing him like on her car like the snow messages though he's like we got to build that wall huh karen okay all right it's like super detailed snowy messages uh yeah how about that muslim band that just got

passed what's i don't love it i mean wait how do you feel about no um yeah but so i saw that guy today and he was walking his dog and i was like all right fuck it i gotta ask him and i was like hey did you put a box on my porch and he's like no he's like boxes gross yeah ew he's gay folks folks folks he's like did i put a cock on your porch what um a cock uh and he was like no i've actually haven't been getting my mail and i'm like this is not what i'm after i want to know who the fuck put the box on here yeah um but it was uh when i was like because we like talked for a second i was like yeah i don't know but yeah it was really weird and he was just like yeah weird stuff does happen around here and i'm like that's awesome what is this yeah so i don't know if we'll ever know i mean i put it out on the

social i put it out on the social medias so maybe people will like try to prank me now but you know dude uh how about uh our boy steve fucking peterson with the knowledge yeah that guy is so well read sometimes when i hang out with him i'm like damn he thinks i'm dumb shut up steve nope steve he's so smart it's crazy yeah absolutely yeah i think his analysis was because he knew what it was he was like this is from uh um an essay like on um paradise lost and i think he was saying it means that I'm a conservative or something. Or somebody thinks. Yeah.

And I didn't even get it. But I was like, yeah, he's just that. I'm too dumb to get his joke. Yeah. That's how I took it. I had people reach out to. They're like, are you worried there's a stalker? I work in stalker prevention.

Are you okay? I was like, yeah, I think I'm all right. Who works in stalker prevention? Comic. In DC. Dana. Dana Flightman. Oh, I don't know her.

You know her. Oh, I mean, I know her. I know her. Yeah, Steve said... Really funny. He said... I'm so good at... I don't know who that is. She's really good at prevention.

So, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. This is from Davidid williams book milton's god leveler leveler god uh which advanced the theory about milton's sympathies with the leveler um i don't know who milton is so milton is the guy that wrote paradise lost uh so so his theory is both oh the levelers they were all about popular sovereignty suffrage equality before the law of religious tolerance and other what is popular sovereignty um i guess like you know what i mean that's what i'm saying like i don't when i read that i was

like i don't know half this shit it's funny my brain's like my god i'm not in school my brain's like let's just focus on the words we do know i was like suffrage suffrage that means to vote well i know what that's a popular is and i know what sovereignty is i don't know what popular sovereignty is listen it's when like sovereignty is popular i mean jesus christ you know damn i'm dumb i am watching lord of the rings right now so i had to text my buddy carol dude i'm gonna post this text thread it's unreal like how much my buddy caroline knows about lord of the rings she's like a nerd like a real nerd some people love so i was like i need your help i'm so confused and guess what i didn't understand lord of the rings at all i only understood the most basic premise

but like all like i didn't understand that sour okay by the way the two main bad guys lord sauron hold on hold on hold on let me finish steve thing. Hold on. Oh, shit. My bad. I forgot. Steve was saying... Okay, so they're all about popular sovereignty, suffrage, equality before law, religious tolerance, and other progressive ideas for the time, which I guess means someone thinks you're conservative. Sad, Kaderna.

So, I don't know. Don't get it. I don't get it either. So, I don't know. We got to invite him to the fire pit. He's a great hang. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that guy is a real mensch, so I don't know. We got to invite him to the fire pit. He's a great hang. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that guy's a real mensch, too, helping us move.

Mensch. Yeah. All right, should we get out of here? Yeah. Well, do you want to finish your Lord of the Rings? No. Who gives a shit? I'm hungry.

We haven't had dinner. Okay. All right. Well, yeah. Thanks, everybody, for listening and follow us on social medias and all that stuff. I'm at Josh Kaderna. Umar is... Umar Khan 821.

Pow, pow, pow. Yeah, send me your files. We'll get this up and we'll talk to you guys later. Don't leave weird stuff on my porch. Thank you. Bye-bye. you