The Digression Sessions - Ep. 339 - Tim Miller!

Episode Date: February 18, 2021

On this week's episode, Josh and Umar talk to comedian Tim Miller for a simulcast on his podcast, Read the Room. Tim is a staple of the DC comedy scene. He talks to Josh & Umar his live crowd work show at The DC Improv also titled "Read the Room," as well his story from joining the Army, to becoming a White House documentarian for Presidents Clinton, Bush, and Obama. Josh - @JoshKuderna on Twitter and @JoshKuderna on Instagram Watch Umar's special - HERE Thanks for listening, all! Do the pod a favor and rate and review the pod on Apple Podcasts, Google Play Music, Laughable, Stitcher, & Spotify.

all right all right it's i think i think we're in there it's uh it's the digression sessions and then it's uh a read the room right tim it is of which you were part of uh last night actually yes yeah i yeah we did the uh did the zoom uh crowd work show which was fun uh i got i got an asshole that was trying to be funny and that was that was great yeah what you want with crowd work dude that's the the literal worst yeah it's like what's the weirdest thing you've did at work or the weirdest thing you've done like since working from home and then this guy yeah okay that would have been good yeah he was kind of like that oh really so the guy guy came on and of course you have to volunteer to want to be on there, right? Yeah. So he comes on, and he's at, like, a weird angle, too. He's just like this, like, on his couch.

And I was like, so what's the weirdest thing you've done, Dan? And he was like, well, hold on. I just want to say I thought that last person was going to say he came on her face. I was like, okay, good. The way he tied that together to create the come in the face joke, like it was a little bit like I think he just came in to say that. That's literally all he thought was, oh, I got this joke.

Let me come in and say that. And then I think he went on to ask him. You made $300,000 for it. Yeah, yeah. He goes viral. Yeah. Yeah, we booked him for next week actually so we're very fortunate to have him god what a smart move for that streaker yeah oh oh yeah yeah wait a minute

what are you talking about uh so there was a streaker during the super bowl and took a bit of a bit of a leap there but yeah i got wait what we were talking about that guy being like yeah he jumped in and said this you're like that streaker made a lot of money huh oh i'm sorry because all right never mind i wait did he if you guys don't know the story then that line doesn't make sense uh yeah what happened okay so there was a streaker during the Super Bowl, and he got arrested, blah, blah, blah. But he made like $370,000 because he placed a – what's those kind of bets called? Prop bet. He placed a prop bet at a bar, and he put 50 grand into it saying there would be a streaker.

And so he was like,'m just gonna streak so his buddy his buddy and him both his buddy went first to create a diversion and then he went so then like he's just gonna pay his buddy off the buddy made three hundred thousand dollars so i was saying this guy in the zoom like i he plays a prop bet it's like someone's gonna say come on your face during this comedy show yeah because that's how stupid's like someone's going to say, come on your face during this comedy show. Yeah. Because that's how stupid of a sentence that is to say. As an audience member. What was worse, too, is the whole prompt was like,

what's something weird you've done while working at home? And I asked him, and he was like, I don't know. I'm not prepared. I was like, why are you on the screen? I thought it was funny. Because he came in when you were telling your story about getting dressed at work and somebody catching you and he came in like oh that's happened to me too and i was like i didn't want to make it a racial thing but i was like

white people just love being naked in their office like why is there so many so many white dudes coming in because he came in that's when he came in right after that right and then he mentioned the i think it was so there was a baby at the show somebody was there they had their kid and the husband said something about um my wife lets me do something and then the guy and that's how he made the correlation between whatever the thing was and come on her face like that's a funny way to say coming in your wife's face and it and then after that he didn't leave he He stayed there. I know. Everybody else got like four people to interact with. Then I had a family that had a baby.

And then this come on the face guy. And I'm like, help me out here. And that guy, yeah. And that guy and the woman was like, here's our son, Juniper. He wants to sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. And you're just like, and speaking of come. Yeah, wow. Here's cum.

You used to be cum, huh? Child, right? That was, those, these virtual shows have been tough with that. Just trying to keep everything moving. Your format is real tough for virtual. Yeah. I mean. It's a tough for virtual. Yeah. I mean. It's tough.

So, Josh, I don't know if you noticed this, but maybe I was looking at the numbers because it's kind of not my. Your show. Well, my show, yeah. So we had 190 at the show. And I kept looking at the numbers and they were slowly going down and i was like oh shit i gotta do something or yeah i don't i i think chris said we sold 190 but when the show started i looked it was at 156 yeah it wasn't yeah but i was like are people just buying tickets and then not showing up like I didn't understand that. They paid us like it was $1.90, though.

I think it's also $5. So they're like, yeah, we'll watch a movie instead or whatever they were doing. Or maybe they forgot or something. That's something that I learned with running a show and tickets. That just happened at Gin and jokes a lot like we would sell out in two days and um like 20 people would not show up and there was this pattern of where if we started selling like the earlier the show sold out the less people show up so it's like so so um and then my buddy who he like his whole thing is like he runs a venue and he's like yeah man it's like your ticket is not a commitment to people it's five

bucks you buy it you're like people like who go to your show they just want to do cool things so like in the moment they're like yeah this is fun but then if something better comes along they're like fuck it i'll just you know it's five bucks who gives a shit especially if it's like a month out they're like yeah whatever so i'll do it if a show like sold out like the night before the show then we would be fine and then we started posting tickets later but then you just get it's like this nerve-wracking thing the later you post tickets or yeah or is that enough time to get it out there but who cares do you think i mean i i think people may have just forgotten probably if that's the the metric that you were going off of i mean yeah that you

know that could that's also true but five bucks people are like here's the thing. It's a Thursday night at nine o'clock. Yeah. I remember when Josh's band, they were playing a show at a local venue. It's literally in the same neighborhood where my venue is. And it was like, you know, it's like a Wednesday night and they didn't go on until like nine. And Karen and I were on the couch. It was 830. and she was like, hey, we got to go to that show.

We should start getting ready. And I'm like, I am so comfortable right now, and it's 8.30 on a Wednesday. I can't. The people who come to comedy shows during the week, like, God bless them. Especially in the winter. In the winter when you're at home,

you're like, once those sweatpants are on, it's tough to get them off. A dangerous neighborhood where like, where the guys were performing and where my venue is, it's like safe-ish. But it's a neighborhood where if you know it, you're uncomfortable walking to your car at night. I'm always uncomfortable in that neighborhood walking to my car. Every time I make it to my car, I'm like, thank God. And then

there's somebody in your car. And that person's like, thank God. You made it. Now I can kill you. Now I can kill and rob you. I'm glad I went out and rob you. Yeah. I'm glad I went out this Wednesday night. You know, I wasn't going to murder tonight, and I decided to go out.

Thank God. Oh, dude. Thank God. God bless you for making it to your car. God bless you. Dude. Oh, man. Speaking of murder in this town, Baltimore. Wait, we have murders here?

Oh, yeah. Since when? Oh, yeah. You know, I don't know. The here? Oh, yeah. Since when? Oh, yeah. You know, I don't know. The Wire. Oh, yeah. But every time I follow Larry Hogan, I started following him during the pandemic for updates, the governor. And every time he posts something about crime in Baltimore or a shooting that happened,

this past month two mta bus drivers were murdered you know like one was driving a disability bus like an adult disability bus and just got murdered fucking insane by who somebody on the bus they don't know they haven't been caught jesus anytime you hear you hear about somebody that's virtuous being killed or something happening to them, you go, there's no hope for me, dog. Because I'm a piece of shit. All I do is leech off of everybody. I mean, I don't do anything particularly good for other people.

Right. There's no hope for me. Yeah. I had that thought recently because i just filed my taxes and that's a part of turbo tax they're like what charity did you do i'm like come on what are we doing yeah i'm pretty sure i gave 25 dollars to some legal fund over the summer do i get it yeah and then also i'm like shit i need to donate more and get a tax break you know yeah i just dropped off i just dropped off 12 boxes of like shoes and clothes like that's always been my thing to to give all of my old clothes back that's trust me that's not it's really my justification for shopping more. But I remember when I would do this.

I've always done this. Since I started making a good amount of money or whatever, I would always just have extra clothes. And then I started donating, and I would always wait for that little, do you want a receipt? I was like, yeah, I'll wait for my receipt. I'll wait. Yeah, I'll wait for my receipt. I'll wait. Yeah, I'll take that yellow piece of paper, please.

And then you file it, and then they go, you need to donate 3,000 cargo shorts to get any money back. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. That's so funny, dude. Also, because you know every time you ask for a receipt in their head, they're like, this motherfucker. No one wants to write those receipts no like yeah good luck with your ten dollar tax break that's fun good for you i remember i worked at a snack bar and it was like a at a like a you know like a local pool and uh i was made this woman like the most expensive thing at that snack bar was probably like four

bucks i had a woman ask me for a receipt and i was like ma'am like i i like i don't know how how would i even like do you want me to write it on a piece of paper like yeah this is an insane thing and it like became this thing where she talked to a manager, and then we're like, you know what? Just have this stuff for free. It's just not worth anyone's time. Jesus. If you're that concerned about it, I mean, that's insane. What was she trying to do with it? Is she a swimmer?

Is it a write-off for her to be there? Yeah, maybe she was some crazy lady who was like, hey, I'm babysitting right now. I'll count this as a write-off. I don't know. I'm going gonna itemize these airheads actually so oh but speaking of the murder thing so yeah every time larry hogan posts about murder there's all these people who are like fucking like trump supporting white people who live in the counties around baltimore like oh this is why we never go to baltimore it's so dangerous blah blah blah and it's just like yeah i live in a neighborhood like we literally have literally have two vegan bakeries in our neighborhood i mean like it's great like it's just like you're this scared of life of like living

i'm with umar the actual thing we need to watch out for meat is murder i agree that is real that's the real thing that we should but yeah also like that's stopping them it's like yeah i would go see the ravens play but did you hear they killed that bus driver yeah yeah it's just like you're so dumb you have like it's just like this town like yes it's it's like sounds scary but it's it's so crazy to be that scared like i just couldn't imagine like like like thinking that if you set foot in this town the likelihood of you being murdered is like 90 percent well i mean like god damn why are people so dumb that's a big swing though from the the danger that they feel you know the whatever crime black people whatever and then vegan restaurants they're

i mean the people that are afraid of the black people they're not going to vegan restaurants. I mean, the people that are afraid of the black people, they're not going to vegan restaurants. No, I know. But what I'm saying is it's like they. It's a lose-lose for them, you know. I would love a plant-based egg sandwich, but God damn it, there's so much crime. The murder. I mean. The murder.

But if I could get a plant-based cupcake. Oh, Lord. We got to make this country great again. I'm as frothy as a soy latte. Yeah, exactly. Right. I get what you're saying. Like, you're outlining the safety or whatever, or the gentrification that's happened.

But the people that are trying to go... If you said they're scared of murder and there's a rib shack right up the street, then maybe, but... Dude, there's a barbecue... It does kind of play. There's a barbecue and whiskey bar right around the corner from my house.

I eat there. It's an awesome spot but it's like but that's what i'm saying it's like these people like just most of this stuff happens in concentrated areas it stays within a community uh and so like so like if you take if you factor in those things the likelihood of you being like uh murdered it goes down yeah we still have like violent crime or like you know like muggings but it's like i don't know it's not happening at a rate where like uh vice would come here and do a documentary on it like uh actually i think they have but i think i think they're probably like a hair like a heroin one

yeah umar we were in it don't you remember yeah actually there actually there was i I think they have, but I think, I think they're probably like a hair, like a heroin one. Yeah. Umar, we were in it. Don't you remember? Yeah. Actually there, actually there was, I can't remember what it was, but there was a documentary on Baltimore recently.

Um, and, uh, and I'm like, God, if I didn't live here, I would think Baltimore, like all of Baltimore city is just like hell on earth.

Cause the stuff they showed, like,'s just like it's it was wild. And I'm like, dude, this is like three, four minutes away from where we live. Yeah. You got a reputation, man. But it's not like it's just like anything else. else like this is so funny that uh a town like baltimore which i've been to just to perform and right but i only went to the inner harbor right that the comedy club was there when i would go up there uh uh it's it's when what's it called is power line in the inner harbor to power power plan power plan i'm sorry uh that's in the Inner Harbor too? Power Plant. Power Plant. Power Plant. I'm sorry.

Yeah. That's in the Inner Harbor. The Comedy Factory. Yeah. I went to the Comedy Factory when it was above that restaurant on Light Street. Yeah. Berks. Yeah.

Okay. Berks. Right. Right. So one time though, I went and somebody asked for a ride from that show to, I think, the train station, right? Penn Station, yeah. Yeah, I gave him a ride and I was lost immediately after that. And I said, oh, this is the scary part.

Okay. Yeah, whoops. This is the part. And this is before i had watched the wire so i didn't know the yeah the crazy you know i was just starting in comedy i think i was like this is when you you know when you're four or five years in and you're trying to get every audience you can yeah but that's what i was like so both were really isn't, it's just like any other city. Truly.

Exactly. If the reputation, see people, a lot of people don't reach for more information. They just go, is it dangerous? Or whatever information that's right in front of them, that's what they take. Yeah. Yeah. Plus, it's easier too front of them, that's what they take. Yeah. Yeah. Plus, it's easier, too, when there already is that narrative. Of course.

Like those people that are tweeting, they're just like, see, there you go. It's all murder all the time. I've seen the show. I've already seen the show. I don't have to do any other research. That is tough for the city because we have two shows. The first one was called Homicide.

Oh, that was Baltimore too? Yeah, so David Simon, the creator of The Wire. Yeah, his first show was Homicide, Life on the Streets in Baltimore. That guy hates Baltimore, man. That's tough. We're known for two shows, both about murder. One literally titled Murder, basically. Yeah.

The nomenclature for murder yes exactly it is funny because you know i because like to me i'm like well what city doesn't have this issue right like you i can't think of one like like one city that doesn't have like this is where like all the yuppies hang out and then there's this part we're trying to get rid of slowly you know like without people noticing the gentrifying part yeah exactly but so but so like a great example like when i was uh my girlfriend's parents uh retired in uh georgia like 45 minutes outside of Atlanta. So we went for Christmas because we're stupid. We don't care about COVID.

Or at least her. I do. Well, you also had it, right? Didn't you have it? Well, we had had it already. So yeah, you had the antibodies. Well, we booked the trip before. And so the first time Karen and I were supposed to travel during the pandemic, I was very worried.

But then we all agreed we would, Karen's family, and we would drive to a place in South Carolina. And this was before. No, South Carolina, like a beach down there. No, I was just, I just knew, I think there's a, well, a friend of mine, not to cut you off, but there's a friend of mine. No, you're fine. She will go, I guess there's an island in South Carolina that's kind of close to Georgia. I was just being. Oh, I have no idea.

But this was before Corona had hit the south like at this point it was just like new york seattle or washington blah blah blah and then it took it took a little bit for it to hit and then it hit real hard and south carolina was like the worst state for a while yeah i got nervous and i was like i karen like we shouldn't go and she's like we're just we're gonna drive and i'm like we should not go and then she we i was like okay we can go but i or like i'll go only if like everyone who's there agrees that we're not gonna go eat out we're not gonna go like you know on the boardwalk and stuff and then we made an agreement to do that and at the last minute it changed of course i was like i'm not

going yeah and um karen was like upset but she understood but she was upset and then she ended up flying down there which like at that point flying was so scary because like no one really knew if it was that safe so then when it came to christmas here's why karen got me she was like you've been doing indoor you did a weekend of indoor shows i did the mark norman show oh yeah she got oh yeah she got me and she was like you shared a joint with somebody oh me and a couple other comics shared a joint uh how does she know was she there oh shoot joint uh what's a not that kind of joint but you know you shared you shared in joy we shared inside you were you shared joy joy i worked for school that's what it was and uh

and so she so she got me dude because if because she would be like you you can't possibly she was like a moral high ground here you shared a heroin needle with mark norman you smoked with chris allen thing like yeah exactly that's the thing like you Dude, we're in... So I'm in a hotel room with Chris, and then Chris has a buddy because he can't ever travel without a 20-year-old white kid with him. Questionable. Typical Air Force guy. Yeah. Typical. You can't do shit by yourself.

Mark Norman comes in, and now four people. Mark Norman, who's been traveling across the country. He doesn't give a shit about anything. We're all just sharing a hotel room. We're sharing a green room. We're sharing food. It's crazy. And she got me, so we had to go.

But anyway, we were there. Was she there? How did she know? Or she saw pictures? I told her. am i gonna do like not telling oh my god okay all right yeah dude i would each night i came home at 5 30 in the morning oh like she knew i was hanging yeah but that doesn't mean you you got it you can't give them specifics i mean that's a, that's a tough lie, though.

It's like we hung out in an outdoor ventilated space until four in the morning. You don't have to lie. During the rain. Yeah, you don't have to lie. You just don't give specifics because I know she asked. She's a woman. She's a woman in her you know they're manipulative so

you gotta know what's coming up cause if you know what's coming up then you know what they're gonna be trying to angle for but even I like Tim's approach cause she's gonna be like what'd you do and be like we hung out what's for dinner can we move on why are we still talking about this?

We just hung out. You know, I don't know. Like, you always keep it vague. What did I do last night until five in the morning? God, I wish I knew. Should we get brunch? What's the move? What are we doing?

And so, yeah, so I had to go. There was no way to not. But also, to be fair fair she's so right like if i can do indoor comedy shows then i can fly yeah i flew recently to nashville it wasn't bad just yeah it's not safe but i mean yeah neither is going to the grocery store no technically you know so yeah but also is it the air like refiltered or whatever recirculated in the plane and all that dude i don't care it was yeah it it yeah that's what i hear is that it's like recirculated but it is funny on the plane is like they're like okay if there's three seats it's just

two people you have the one in the middle try to space it out as much as possible but then they're like here would you like a water bottle and some goldfish and then people are taking their masks down i know fish i'm like you're risking death for goldfish my god you're also you're 45 years old what are you doing yeah this is uh we talked about this before but i'll be whatever but so we're in atlanta and uh karen's family are conservative Trump supporters. Oh, really? And we've brought up the fact about like I've told the story like and even yesterday, Karen was like, listen, you like you got to stop like yelling at my mom. Why do you yell at her mother because her i can only take so much it i let so much go

and she will and we talked about this a couple podcasts ago but she will say things and it's just like all right i gotta like set you set you straight. And it never works. Never going to happen. Never. Never going to. What does she say? Is it just like. Oh, like stuff like, oh, well, your dad came here to be more free, right?

And I'm like, no, he was free. And he came here for money. To be more free? Yeah. Because in her head, she. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. They're under that myth that America's the freest country ever.

Yeah. Always. It's like, what are you talking about? Yeah. And then she'll... The first time I ever met her, she'll be like... She referred to the kids that I work as as like... Underprivileged?

No. Oh, shit. Whoa, really? underprivileged uh no oh shit whoa really oh no Karen's not here no because Karen would get so mad dude I'm so stupid okay yeah because it's worse Umar are you not saying anything

because we're filling in the blank of what she said and it's the worst thing you're like and she said i don't know if i could say we're like oh my god she called him what she called him what she like yo boys yo boys yo boys yeah why does karen get mad at that no i get mad at that oh of course you know i mean like why does she are you you don't want to get mad that i'm talking about it okay and then umar is like you show them respect they are yo men all right you put some respect on that but anyway so then like you know we get arguments and blah

blah blah so then uh man this story does not matter anymore we're so far removed from what i was gonna say about county people no No, I mean, kind of. We're talking about southern people, I guess. Same thing of like there's a narrative. Like same thing, like the narrative is like every immigrant comes here because their country is horrible and then we're the best. Like that's what she's doing. Right. Like the stereotypes.

I mean, for sure that is a lot of it. But then it's not like it's just like there's just people you know want to make money like my parents came here for money of course yeah money that's why comics are moving to austin for like it's they're saving money aka joe rogan yeah oh a lot of them are yeah it's funny because i'm seeing like uhit like open mic comedians Moving to Austin And it's like what do you think's gonna happen So But the same way that

People move to LA People move to LA being like it's gonna happen It's the same thought process It's just a different city I mean Nick Mullen did when he was When he started I was surprised by that He moved right he may have been

four years in before he moved to to austin and i was and we would talk because i'm from there and he would be like uh he was he was just doing local shows and he was blowing up he moved yeah he got jfl for be from austin he got jfl he was he because he won funniest person at all funniest comic in austin i think which yeah is it's a good move because yeah you're the funniest guy in a smaller city you know what i mean you're gonna get more shine than if you move to a new york trying to compete that way and i think that was the at the time austin was becoming like the anti-la anti-new york and um he moved down with this guy named norm wilkerson and norm was at the time i think he was in his 40s right 40s maybe 50s or close to it wait nick was living with him i don't think he was living with

him i just i feel like nick moved down there because of norm i think he looked he looked up to norm when he first started because norm was kind of like him um this was like the wise acres wise acres area i don't know if you guys heard of that comedy yeah yeah um but we were all like that's when dc comedy was all disjointed and everybody was you had the baltimore side you had the the virginia side and you had the dc side so wise acres was the spot in virginia and when that fell apart then everybody then the virginia people said um so i have a open mic in woodbridge that you can go to and then everybody started going to britney's for a little while and that was that was a travesty but because you know woodbridge is a uh what's the word uh it's like timonium like Timonium. That kind of audience.

I've heard that Woodbridge to Virginia is Dundalk to Maryland is what I hear basically. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of that crowd. Yeah, that vibe. There you go. It's a vibe.

It's a vibe. It's an industrial. It's a vibe. It's an industrial. It's a hardworking. I would always use my military background as a, hey, I'm one of you. I'm not going to judge you, you know, Texas and then you were in the military. Because we've known each other for a long time, but I didn't really know your story of how you started and how you ended up in D.C. Oh, okay. So I got into the Army in 96, and then I came to the D.C. area in 2000.

How old were you? Oh, when I joined, I was 18, straight out of high school. Where in Texas did you grow up up i grew up in waco god literally yeah go ahead my dad so my dad would do this he had a job i didn't know what the name was at the time but i think right now it's called arbitrage he would buy like car parts and then sell them for profit right so he would just do that all over texas he was always in dallas houston uh uh every now and then he would leave texas like wichita falls places like that so after high school i didn't want to go to college because I didn't want to do more school.

So he took me with him to Houston. And then he was like, okay, you're going back home because I'm not used to having just my son with me you know so after a week i went back home to the house that i grew up in which my mom had i think my mom my sister and i we moved out of the house when i was in uh what's 15 10th grade 10th grade yeah so two years I'm living with my mom and my sister going out of my mind. And my dad, of course, is traveling all around. I would see him here and there. So I wanted to go and live with my dad.

And then he sends me back to the old house. So I'm there in that house for like a month or whatever. And I'm eating pizza every day. I'm like, so my dad goes, maybe you should join the army. Just like that. And I was like, maybe I should. I got nothing else. I'm eating too much pizza.

I'm 18. I got to get away from this pizza. I got to avoid the noid. Yeah. And then I would, away from this pizza. I gotta avoid the Noid. Yeah. And then I would... Everybody else had kids. I mean, this is small town. 18 had kids?

At like 18, 20? No, no, no, no. There was a girl in my... When I was... She was 12, she had a kid. So 18, like... 18 was like, oh, you don't have any kids? You're gay. Like, that was like, oh, you don't have any kids? You're gay.

Like, that was the, no kids. And no kids, you are gay, right? So I was like, well, there's got to be. It was weird thinking this way, but I was like, this can't be it. Like, I've seen bigger shit, right? Of course, I'm i'm watching like rap videos every day and i'm like yeah there's the world is much bigger than this shit here so i just took the asvab i got a decent score and then i left um like in that i left in november

actually so yeah and you're like guess yeah you thought i was gay i'm in the army i've been oh yeah so in your face so but after like four years um i did my training was like two i was a photographer so um how'd you get into that and like you were a photographer for the army so it was so fucking everything about everything about me joining the army and what i did was so like matter of fact it was like um my dad said maybe you should join the army i joined the army um i go to the to take the test or i go to like pick my job or whatever. I go through all this training. It's a longer story. But I go to this place.

It's called MEPS. It's where they in-process you, and then they send you out, right? Every state has one. And mine was in San Antonio. So I'm at the MEPS station, and they're like, so what do you want to do? You qualify for, and she starts reading off things. And she's like, you could be a medical assistant. And I was like, every woman in my family is a nurse.

So I'm like, I've heard how terrible that shit is. So I don't want to do that. You double down. You're like, are you calling me fucking gay? Because I'm not. What the hell? A nurse? Yeah.

So I'm like, I don't want to do anything in medical and she says where's this other job i think it's combat documentation and i'm like what's that she said i think it's a photographer and i'm like that one like so i joined it's the longest uh training so you do basic training and then whatever your job is, you do the training for that right after basic. It's called AIT. The longest AIT.

Between that and being a linguist, it's probably, those are the top two. It's like nine months. So I'm in the army two years and I haven't even gone to like permanent party which is i guess it is a lot easier to kill people than to take good pictures yeah i mean because we learned photo and

video so i think infantry is like infantry is like uh infantry is of course is like being a real soldier that's like a month and a half or something yeah you don't need like it yeah shoot the gun shoot it that way let's go okay shoot it in that direction that guy thank you yeah i mean i'm sure there's a lot more to it like the uh you could tell the infantry guys though we all got like a smart book when you go to basic training you have to learn all of these basic skills those infantry guys they the drill sergeants stayed on. Who my 11 Bravo's at? Where are they at?

They would raise their hand and they'd go, you come with me. And then they would make them study that smart book because they had to know all of that shit. Yeah, because they're going to be out there. Yeah. They didn't even leave. After basic, you leave and go to wherever your AIT is going to be. They didn't even leave like uh after basic you leave and go to wherever your ait is gonna be they didn't even leave the infantry people we're like on a bus to go to the airport to fly away they're like waving at us with the drill sergeants like i'll be here for

another month and a half all right uh so i went to florida pensacola, Florida, for my school. We're sending you to the war zone of Florida to take pictures. It's horrific. We're sending you to the war zone of joint duty. You have to learn photography with Navy, Air Force, and Marines. But yeah, after that, I went to North carolina and then from north carolina i got uh this call to they wanted photographers at the white house so that's how i ended up in dc so tight so yeah you were there when bush was there right bush uh junior i was there

when clinton was there that's when i started working there. His second term? His second term, yeah. God. I mean, literally the last three months. That's when all this stuff was happening, right? No, no, no. That's when all this stuff was over. So he was done. So the people in my shop, it's called White House TV. Yeah.

You know how the press follows the president around? Yeah. And they record everything he does, and then they put it on their news network? White House TV follows him around with the press and basically we're documenting him. So everything we shoot or everything I shot then went to the National Archives in D.C. Oh, cool. Wow. And then whenever they leave, it goes to their library wherever it is. So Clinton's is Arkansas.

Bush's, of course, is in Texas. And Obama's is Chicago. So you're just at the White House. Like you're nine to five. It's just video recording the president yeah i got hot hot footage of bill clinton in a cheeseburger really good stuff today why do they want that it what's the point of it because they need they want a personal record of because if the press just has all of it they have to, the press is, they're companies. So the government can't say, hey, let's get that footage of the president.

They have to go to that company and go, can you sell us the footage? And the companies charge, of course, $10,000 for whatever amount or more. So they said, well, we'll just have military people. We're already paying them. Let's just have them follow the president around. I mean, who else would they feel,

the president feel safe around besides military people? The whole shop is military and we go everywhere. Depending on the president. With Clinton, we did every event. So a cheeseburger shot happens. Like, Clinton, we recorded everything that dude did, man. And when Bush got in office, go ahead. I was going to say, did you see him eat babies?

What satanic rituals did you get on film? You know, if he ate babies, he ate them quick. Because, I mean, we would have like a list of events. And we would go, okay, you cover this one. You cover this one. You cover. We had to shoot all of that shit, right? Yeah, every single day. Every single day. you cover this one you cover this one you cover we had to shoot all of that shit right and then

every single day every single day and this is when okay so so do you like him at these events like when you're shooting no so it's just but we're we're just off to the side we don't engage with the president we don't we're just there to document and you know we've gone to – with Clinton, we shot everything. And, you know, this is getting out of office, Clinton. This is second term. He's campaigning for Al Gore when I get there. So travel – like we're traveling every week. I think one weekend we did five states.

Damn. We went – you go in the morning. You get air force one you fly you got on air force one that's what i was yeah that's how we yeah that's how we travel yeah yeah because yeah because because that's how he's traveling right so you're documenting that how dope is that is air force one like crazy it's like um well air force one is kind of weird so it's um most of it is very nerve-wracking like a young kid who might be gay from waco texas you know and you're around might be gay you're around i'm trying to make a i'm trying to lighten this up uh yeah you're around all of these diplomats and you're around all of these diplomats,

and you're around all of these high-profile people, and they got movies on there that are in the movie theater. They're on the plane. You can watch that. Wow. If I had a weekend where I didn't have a trip, my friends would be like, yo, we supposed to see this movie. I'm like, I already saw it.

It's not that good, dog. Yeah, it's not great. I saw it on Air Force One in a recliner. I saw it in the sky, dog. Literally, yeah, every seat is a first class seat. And we sat with, there's different compartments of the plane. We sat in the compartment with Secret Service unless they kicked us out

and we would have to sit in the back of the plane with the press. They kept the press in the back of the plane just because, you know. But, yeah, Clinton was – he was a funny guy and he was getting ready to leave, man. So everything was just – everything was late. He's just like, I'm out of here, so it's whatever. Everything was late. Everything was – he's supposed to be here at noon. He'd get there at like 4.

And we just have to wait. We have these trip books. Unless we were going overseas or something like that. I think I did one overseas trip with him. And then maybe it was with Bush. Maybe it was with Bush. We went to Vietnam. Maybe it was with Bush.

I can't remember right now. But I still have a lot of the old books. I still have a lot of the old books. I still have a lot of the old like trip placards or whatever. But because we had to go as you have to play the card that you wherever you are. So we had these little trip pins that we were, quote unquote, White House staff. But if there's a different kind of event, the credentials that we need might have to say White House press. So we'd ask like the press people, hey, can we get one of your press badges so we can get into? Yeah.

I mean, we work with the press, but when it came down to it, we shot a lot more of like the secret stuff, a lot of the stuff that they couldn't get into. Yeah, so if he's having a meeting on the plane with some dignitary or diplomat, you guys are shooting that probably. Yeah, we'd have to ask. That all changed. We knew we had to do it with Clinton. When Bush got in office, we had to ask. They were very like, what are you doing in here? It was a big, big change.

And my buddy still works there. And he talked about when Obama got in office. I left when Obama got in office, right? Because the workload from Clinton to Bush, it was like five-fold. So when Bush got in office, everybody was chill. And the big thing for me and President Bush was he would go to Texas. When he went to Texas, I went home. Because Crawford is 20 minutes from Waco.

Oh, that's cool. So I went home so much with him. Everybody was talking about how much he went home. I was like, I fucking love this shit, right? Right. Because everybody on the news is like, how much brush can he clear on his property? And you're like, let him clear all the fucking brush. Shut up.

And it's an easy, it was easy trips, man. He would go and he would go home and he went home so much. My mom pulled me aside and said, you, you really don't. It's OK. You really don't work at the White House, do you? Oh, no. She was like, do you? Oh, no. She's like, do you need money?

Are you okay? Right. My sister, you know, everybody in my age, everybody that she saw was either working at Walmart or there's nobody, like, doing too much. Or they have four or five kids or whatever. And she saw me coming home every other weekend and was like, Tim, you don't have to lie. Like, it's okay. You're sleeping in your car. Are you sleeping?

Yeah, yeah. Could you like have your mom just like, do you want to meet the president? No. No, okay. We couldn't initiate conversation. We couldn't talk to him. No, no. We couldn't initiate conversation. We couldn't talk to him. No, no.

That doesn't help your story. She's like, well, fine. I want to meet him. You're like, you can't. Yeah. My girlfriend goes to a different school. Get a picture. I can't.

I can't. That's so funny. But Obama got in office. Let me see. Bush was in office, office and it was light so it was cool obama got an office man and he hit the ground running like we really everybody needed to be on camera and we needed to like support everybody valerie jared um michelle obama i do a joke about it but she's but she was the best one. Really? She was the best one.

Oh, yeah. Like very cool? Like nice to you guys? Cool. Everything was lighthearted with her. I feel like Obama was very – he was the president. He was tight. Yeah. right yeah you can't be lax when you know you're probably the one of the the most uh threatened

presidents the first black president too so right yeah he's side side-eyed everybody um probably not on purpose just you know yeah but i mean just comes with the territory yeah um but i left a year a year into him which people like like dog you it's the first black president i'm like i want to yeah i want to have i had the same thought i'm like what the fuck i want to have yeah i want to have a weekend off man and when i left you're like he was working me like a slave him and his whole team i can't i can't do shit yeah i prefer george bush over him dog i i shudder to say that but fucking true yeah you're like man mitt romney would have been tight he would have been come on my friend okay so my friend has been there the whole time so he was there all the way through obama's eight years and he worked he's he was there doing trumps i was gonna say like

when you see you that's like the shit that you could have seen i mean talk about eating cheeseburgers. Jesus Christ. I mean, we would talk for an hour. We would talk for an hour almost every day. Biden got in office. I haven't talked to him since January 20th. They've been running. Those events that you see.

They get to choose what they want and don't want. What do you mean? Like, schedule-wise? Like, hey, I don't want any of this film. They can just say that. Because that's why your work is so light. Like, I'm trying to understand. So, Trump didn't have, like, events, right?

He didn't have events. He didn't have. Yeah. He didn't have. It was different than Bush, of course. I mean, but yeah, Trump just didn't do anything at the White House. And we would set up... So my job changed. So after I got out of the Army, they hired me as a contractor. So I stayed at the White House, and I would set up events. That's where my buddy works.

So you're setting up events. If the president doesn't do anything, then you're not doing shit, right? They also cover the press lobby. If there's no press briefing. They didn't do that shit for like the last year essentially yeah i mean they just got whatever they could get out of they eventually just got out of it yeah i remember seeing trump's schedule because it's public every day like what the president's schedule is yeah towards the end like especially after the election like they didn't even fake it

of like listing like 115, a meeting with blah, blah. It was empty. And it just said, it said the president will take many meetings and make many important calls. It's just insane, man. It was, it was insane. So, um, yeah, just to remember, and, but Bush just, he just pared us down so when uh when we had like this gigantic camera you've seen them like the big tv cameras we go into an event we had an audio guy with a boom pole or whatever and then and then bush was like do we need do we need two of you do we need two people here holy shit uh wow let's get out loud well no i mean i'm just you know um yeah they just said we don't we don't need two let's just one person yeah and then yeah

can we can we get rid of it can we get rid of the gigantic camera and then we had to buy like smaller like uh video cameras or whatever not Not camcorders, but close. Right. Like really close. Yeah. Bush is like, are iPhones a thing yet? Can we shoot this on a fucking iPhone or something? Yeah.

Something about these cameras I don't like. Yeah. So yeah, they pared us down a lot. Right. Less events, less weight on our shoulders and everything so so it had to be insane with 9-11 right i mean that's like so i was i was in florida with the president on 9-11 september 11th were you so were you in were you in the classroom when he found out so the trip was it was a two-day trip the trip was a two-day trip, right?

It was a two-day trip. Okay. It was kind of a weird thing. So September 10th, we were in another. The president would do this thing where he's on the campaign trail for someone local. He would go to one city, and then he would go, like, you spend the night there, and then you wake up the next morning, you go to another city, right? So the 10th, actually, we flew out that night. So we went on the 10th to a school in florida and then um

they said this is kind of a light trip we i don't know how we overheard that we were on what's called the the the the trip breaks down like there's a crew that goes out before the president to like the to shoot the the main shot and then there's a there's another crew that rides with him on air force one right so it's called the press plane and of course the air force one plane or team or whatever so on that trip i was on the press plane. Me and my buddy, we flew out early. We set up our camera and everything. He arrived. We did the shoot. He leaves.

Somebody – we overhear. Air Force One is kind of light. So we say, maybe we can hop on Air Force One to get to our other city early. Just as a – we sat with our team. They let us do it. So we sat with our team. They let us do it. So we sat with our team. It's so weird. Four of us were on Air Force One together.

It's probably the only time that's ever happened, like, that our team was able to do that. Next day, September 11th. Yeah, because you have two crews. Two crews each, right. Yeah, right. Yeah, and we said, because what happens is with the press plane, you have to wait with the press because after an event, they have to file. They have to send out their information to their people.

They don't hold that stuff. They don't wait on it. They go, the president just now did a thing. So we said, we don't want to wait here with them and then go later tonight. Let's just go now on Air Force One. They let us do it. So we hop on Air Force One. We took like a picture and everything.

We get there early. We're staying at a resort in Sarasota, Florida. Wow. It's red tide. And so it smells horrible. Red tide is like when the fish die or whatever. It's red tide, and so it smells horrible. Red tide is like when the fish die or whatever. Oh. It's awful.

Like the water's literally red with blood. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It's awful. So we're there. That's definitely, it's not an omen or anything. That's fine. Yeah.

Yeah, normal. We're there, and we spend the night at this resort. There's like brie cheese when we walk in. And then next morning we get up, we go to that school. And of course the plan is we go and set up for the big event that's going to be on TV. And of course, the president's doing September. No, September. Yeah, that's the big event. The plane's hitting the No, okay. No, September. September, yeah, that's a big event.

We find out. The plane's hitting the towers. Yeah, yeah. Big event. Literally, like, the president's walking around the school, and then you kind of hear, like, whispers of, some plane hit some building. And it builds, and it builds. A Cessna hit the, and it's like telephone. I mean, every rumor was just worse

and worse. Every time you heard something new, it was worse and worse. A airliner just hit the World Trade Center. Another airline plane just hit the other one. A plane crashed in Pennsylvania. There's a plane headed for the Pentagon right now. Also, there was a plane headed for the White House. Yes. Yeah. They had to evacuate our building. So while we're out there hearing all of this shit, back in D.C., they're evacuated. Like, they leave the building um the white house complex

has the white house in it and it also has this building called the eeob that's where we worked at the time they moved our location to a different place after not after september 11th but when obama got in office but um when i was there that's where we worked inside that complex right so we we find out what's going on the president andy card comes in tells him and he looks weird with the kids or whatever and then um they leave they go to alabama or something i think and then he does like uh they're flying around they have to figure some stuff out meanwhile we're back in florida and they say all right everybody, everybody, we're going to pack up. We're going to get back to D.C.

We try to leave, but we, I don't know if you remember that day, no flights could go anywhere that day. Oh, they grounded everything. They grounded everything. Yeah, yeah. So we try to go to the airport, of course. Of course, we're just a regular airplane,

so they say no. So we're stuck in Sarasota, Florida at a resort. Red tide. Red tide. We stayed there for three days. Damn. And then we finally, somebody got some buses somehow. And then they said, we're just going to drive back up to D.C.

And we watched bootleg Swordfish. Remember Swordfish? Yes. Do I remember it? You get to see Halle Berry's boobs. You get to see Halle Berry's tetas. Yeah. Yeah. and uh yeah it was a we drove you know i don't it was 3 p.m 3 or 4 p.m uh friday evening so you

know it was packed like traffic everywhere we drive we drive right by the pentagon we see that big ass hole right on the side of it and uh yeah what a weird like yeah surreal bus ride because you're going through a lot of america like that's a long ass bus ride yeah yeah damn so that's where i was that's crazy that's crazy that you were there essentially like i mean when he found out wow right in the next room. Damn. Goddamn. That is insane. And then growing up in Waco then, were you around when they had the whole David Koresh compound thing and all that stuff? You know what's funny? I was.

It sounds like fake news, but yeah, I was. I was in the ninth grade. How far away were you from it? So Waco is the city, supposedly, in that part of Texas. And then Mount Carmel is basically on the outside of Waco. Waco just happens to be the closest city. Gotcha. Right. So if Waco is, let's say, Lorton, Mount Carmel is, I'm sorry, if Waco is D.C., Mount Carmel is, I mean, I want to say, like, the, what's it called? The Marine Corps Memorial in Virginia. uh uh the the what's it called the marine corps memorial in virginia i'm trying to think of the

relationship in maryland if so if baltimore is waco then mount carmel would be timonium or yeah okay or maybe maybe like a little more but yeah it's like yeah like 45 minutes out or whatever yes that's exactly where it is it's 45 minutes out so it's in between it's like 45 minutes out or whatever. Yes, that's exactly where it is. It's 45 minutes out. So it's in between two cities, and they said, Waco, that's the one. We'll make it the bigger one. We'll make it the, yeah, bigger buy. It also sounds like a candy place. If Mount Caramel was attacked, there's candy in the streets um so did you guys know about them

though like the uh branch davidians or whatever they were like was that talked about in waco or was it just we didn't know we didn't know that they were there we just knew because it was on a sunday that's the only thing we knew the next day, I just remember the next day, my teacher being very emotional because there were kids in there and you see the ATF agent go up to the window and then he gets

shot and he falls backwards or whatever and we go, why is everybody going so crazy about this? We're in ninth grade. What do we care? What is this? I mean, I was in tenth grade what do we what do we care what is this yeah i mean i was in 10th grade when 9-11 happened and i remember at lunch they're like we're dismissing everybody early and we were like whoa yeah same i was so pumped i was like damn i get to go home this is awesome we didn't understand there yeah the same thing was like a plane hit the building

and something this is also a funny thing like because, cause on nine 11, yeah, I was in eighth grade and I was in this, uh, this class called, uh, yeah, that's so funny. You were like with the president and I was in eighth grade in tech class. Yeah. I was in 10th grade chemistry. I'm like, who cares? Are we going home? What's going on?

Well, so weird to hear other people's, like where you were at that moment. Yeah. So that point when I was in my tech ed class, only one plane had hit the building. And this guy, Mr. Williams, was like, he was our teacher. And he was like, hey, there's a plane hit a building in New York City. It's a huge tragedy, blah we're like it was just like an he said it was an accident yeah yes he said a pilot accidentally flew into a building well that's what you that's just kind of what you have to assume because you have no frame

of reference you're not like yeah they fly planes into buildings it was like oh my god what happened you know this is like you know before smartphones social media blah blah blah so like yeah yeah as from that class ending and i walked to my next period uh my teacher has the news on and a second plane had hit the building oh yeah she was like we're not gonna work we're just watching tv and uh i think like so then this is the hilarious part of this story well not like just thinking about it now as like a 32 year old man like it's already a it's 9 11 it's already a laugh riot so they declared that all schools are closing three hours early um wow which kind of looking back on it kind of like overkill but i guess i get it um so but there's a law that you have to if you're in school you have to feed all the kids yes so that's why we that's why we found out at lunch cafeteria

it's just like the country's under attack and someone's worried about getting sued. Yeah. That's so funny to me. We got to get these kids fucking shitty food in them before they get sent home. Yeah. Word about their health. Yeah. There had to be kids, though.

They're like, if I don't get my fucking snack this is gonna be the worst day of my life i'm getting that orange fucking creamsicle i don't care what's happening send me to so fucking it was and then what ended up happening was like it was just complete chaos in our school because they're just sending everyone to the cafeteria then like parents all came to the school because they're freaked out too they're like yeah and they're just sending everyone to that cafeteria then like parents all came to the school because they're freaked out too they're like yeah and they're just wanting but then like there's like this whole process of having to sign kids out and my mom wanted to bring me and all my neighbors home because you know we're all like like the fan and they wouldn't let her and she's like all right

fuck it and uh yeah yeah yeah and then i just remember going over my friend's house and we all just were hanging out and like watching. It was crazy. Playing video games. Yeah. How long were you guys out of school after like? No, we went back the next day. Yeah.

Okay. Went back the next day. Okay. I remember teachers were crying and all kinds of stuff. Yeah, it was. Oh, wow. Dude, and you know what's so funny uh that night we're watching the news and it came out that day that osama bin laden

and taliban taliban were part of it yeah and uh when they flashed out on the news my friend's dad um look he's like hey you guys better be careful like to me and my brother he's like because people are gonna like be idiots the next day i go to school literally the next day yeah i mean i think i mean he was like i think like being funny doing because i went to like a 99 black school so it wasn't like oh you know so it was just like this funny kid like but he was like i didn't know him and he was kind of a bully and he was like an eighth grader when i was like a six no i was an eighth grader so we're both eighth graders but he was just like way bigger than me he's like he like like he's like comes over to me he's like right i'm just walking up to school the next day and

he's um like he's like oh you fit are you osama bin laden your uncle you family with him he just like pulled me by the collar like joking around i'm just like uh no it's just it was how he was like and he kept he's like are you a terrorist and i was just like no but that's like literally the only racism i've ever experienced because of 9-11 like that's why i just never believe brown comics when they say they're no i'm just kidding i'm kidding no i i i believe them because i've done so i i believe i've done so much racism yeah so i i was on the other i'm on the other end of it yeah i lived it but i also live in a very liberal part of the of the country so that's you know yeah yeah yeah yeah but it's

just so funny it's the only racism i experienced from 9-11 it was from like a 13 year old black kid yeah yeah we're pretty racist though i mean oh every but every group is yeah yeah every group is yes listen to black people talk about asians Like, we're not nice, you know. Dude, my dad mocks how Asian people talk. And I'm like, Dad, you talk funny. I'm like, Dad, you're the whole character based on The Simpsons on how you talk, motherfucker. That is incredible. My grandfather was, I mean, he was in the army or whatever, but he, something about Asians, man.

He just didn't, where's she from? Any girl that he saw that I was talking, where's she from? Where you from, girl? Oh my God. She's from Killeen, Papa. She's from like a nearby... She's from Temple. Relax. Temple, China?

Yeah. The Temple? Yeah. What you mean? Right. Well, dude, even it came out how racist immigrants are in the 2020 election when people were like, wait, this many Hispanics voted for trump and more black people voted for trump this time and hispanic people a big reason they voted for trump or like a lot of

people uh were saying is um they didn't like how the democrats uh looped them in as people of color because they associate that with black people and they don't want to be associated with black people. Yeah. Isn't that hilarious? Yeah. If you don't want to be a part of that group, man, they try to make sure.

And they capitalize on it. Republicans capitalize on the, you're better than, you're way better than them. Yeah. And then Democrats are dumb, too, because they're like, oh, we're sorry, Hispanic people. I mean, we'll call you Latinx people. And they're like, we don't like that either. What are you talking about? I mean, why are you being so, because it just looks disingenuous.

It looks fake i'll do anything for you i'll do anything to yeah nobody wants that either just you know be racist and you know we it is it's funny they're like at least we know what trump is he's consistent like he's he's a piece of shit but we know it yeah yeah there's a there's a piece of shit, but we know it. Yeah. Yeah. There's a bit of, at least I know where he stands. I know that, not Democrats individually, but as a group, I know they're racist too. It's not overt, but it's harder to find why they're racist and that's unsettling you know right i've you feel the racism but you go it's not yeah with them i know like with the with the i know they're racist. There's, you know, all lives matter and all that. Okay, I get that, right?

Yeah. That's racist, easy. You guys, you're trying some shit, but I don't know what it is, and I don't like that. Yeah, it is, yeah. Like, the liberals aren't going to have, like, an NPR tote bag that also has a Confederate flag on it. No. To let you know where they stand. Yeah, I don't know what it is it's um

i think what it okay like i think for the most part people genuinely want to be good people i think most people generally genuinely want to be good people and democrats like i just think a lot of them don't know that what they do and what they say can come off that way yeah yeah you know like i think it's misguided or like maybe like I remember I'll say this. I don't think I don't know if this woman is a Democrat or Republican, but, you know, she works in Baltimore City public schools and, you know, she works in rough neighborhoods or schools. Like so she's not like I do not believe she's racist. Right. But I think she would say things and do things that she would say things like, because we worked in a very impoverished area, like probably one of the worst neighborhoods in Baltimore. And she would say things like, oh, I don't understand why these parents have like all these cell phones if they can't even like provide for their kids and i'm like well

it's just a part of society like do you want them to be like that disconnected from society you know like it's like a a play like i don't know it's it's a weird thing to say it's it comes off a certain way it just comes off as it just comes off as unaware yeah yes maybe depending on the cell phone maybe like if they have smartphones maybe the latest like the latest iphone they all do maybe not the ip iPhone 12. Maybe a flip phone. Maybe a Sprint. Maybe a Razr. A lot of them have the most up-to-date or, if not, very recent iPhone. Okay, well, I kind of see her point. Really?

Latest iPhone, latest iPhone. Yeah. How much is the latest? That's $1,200, $1,300, right? I know. It's crazy because I was looking at a guitar the other day, and I'm like, oh, this is $1,000. That's crazy. And then I'm like, but I'm looking at it on a $1,300 phone. On your phone.

Yeah. But my phone doesn't leave my side for like five years, you know. And I can use it better than I can play guitar. Then it falls apart. is i just think i i i understand like i understand like but it's just like a weird it just feels weird there's a weird energy to like it makes you that upset that's what you have to say something to somebody about it. And to me. That's the feeling that we get when we're around. Yeah.

I used to do a joke about it. Racism is a feeling. It's like when women talk about creepy. Yes. And you ask them, like, that guy's's creepy what's creepy about him i don't know it's he i just feel creepy then racism i yeah i can feel racism like i can yeah i'm like yeah what's the so you're you're feeling is valid i'm for her. I mean, it's like, why angry? Like, why upset about a thing?

Why not just inquiry? Like, inquire. And then there's also a certain type of person that wants to be like, and look, I'm dumb and I'm not professional. I was an intern at this time. I was a full-time paid intern like that's part of the uh program to be a school psychologist so i was working under another school psychologist and um so i would uh in meetings that you know i'm just like shooting the shit with the teachers and i became friends with one of the teachers she like

comes to my shows to this day and she's like just super cool her and her husband are super cool and uh i don't i don't remember something happened like something came up with like talking about like and i was like oh i don't want to say her name i'm like hey blah blah how old are you and she's like i don't want to say and i'm like how old are you i was like why? Like, we all just set our ages. Like, all of us at the table set our age. Right. You know? And then she, I get it. Like, I did fuck up.

Like, that's me being an idiot because I'm at work. And she said later, she's like, you know, like, I'm in a position, like, I'm kind of considered a consultant because i like i my job is to help teachers you know like learn new ways to like blah blah blah and so it's i don't want them to know that i'm younger than them because that could make me seem like less competent and i think it was really rude of you that's a good point it is but then no the teachers don't like her because she's so uptight hilarious the teachers told me that she would send me screenshots of them shit talking her that's oh as i'm an intern the teacher it's just like dude no one gives a shit about you this is what people need to realize like we don't most people don't

care about your age or like whatever they just want you to be cool you know just be cool that being cool i mean that'll get you if you cause trouble at work that'll get you so fucking far just being easy to be around yeah is there yeah i think you're gonna hire somebody too that's like semi-qualified and cool versus somebody that's like uber qualified and an asshole and like well yeah weird yeah and you're like i don't want to spend eight hours a day 40 hours a week for the rest of my life with this person. Like, yeah, they're very smart, but they're a fucking weirdo. You know, like if you're cool, they're like, ah, we can educate. They can learn.

They can get trained. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I learned that after I got my, I had my clearance after I got out of the army. I was, I was a little scared. And man, they were like, it took me a couple years to figure to figure it out but i was like um you know i would just go to job interviews like hey what's going i would just hang out and they were like we'd like to offer you this position for yeah i was like yeah oh i have to be cool that's it i mean yeah they can teach you

yeah you're gonna have to learn on the job anyway also that's right stand up that's light i think yeah stand up taught me that that's life too like stand up you have to be cool but not too cool you also have to like give a shit but not give too much of a shit otherwise the audience is like this guy wants it too bad yeah yeah like or if you don't care they're like why should i care if he doesn't care but if you walk that line where you're like where you're cool they're like yeah this guy would stand up it's the same as real life uh like headliners they would rather have someone who's super cool and not as funny versus someone who's super funny but not cool yeah annoying right because for headliners they just want someone who's super funny but not cool. Yeah.

And annoying, right? Because for headliners, they just want someone who's fun to hang out with. Because it's a job. That's the job, too. They don't really care how you do. They want a cool coworker. Because also the headliner is like, I'm going to do fine. I don't care about what you do. Yeah, they don't want someone to bomb.

But it doesn't matter if they kill or not. Yeah. You don't want someone to bomb, but it doesn't matter if they kill or not. Yeah. You don't have to destroy as a – you know how hard it is to destroy as an MC? I mean – Yeah. Or even feature. Or even feature. I mean, feature spot, you're supposed to kind of level it out.

No, for sure. But what I'm saying is the feature spot is definitely easier, the easiest. But they don't really give a shit if you kill. If you're cool. Just do fine. Just do well. Yes, don't fuck it up, essentially. Don't fuck up the show.

Don't fuck it up. Don't be getting people so upset that they want to leave. Don't walk. You shouldn't be getting people, like, so upset that, like, they want to leave. Don't walk. You shouldn't be walking people. No. You shouldn't take pride in walking people. Yeah. You shouldn't be combative.

You know, just up the middle. Be cool. Yeah. You know, fit the crowd. And that's life. Exactly. Yeah. Listen, I think that's a good note to go out on, I think.

Yeah. Don't fuck it up, okay? Don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up, okay? Don't fuck it up. Don't fuck it up. Tim, you want to plug your show and your pod? Even though we're technically on yours as well? Well, I mean, you can listen to this on the digression sessions or digression sessions. Or my podcast called Read the room on pod bean check

me out on uh instagram the tim d miller yes nice hell yeah very funny comic guys follow him thank you great pod yeah uh yeah you were on the show last night that was absolutely man first started coming to dc you were like one of the guys who i was like scared to talk to and there's no reason for it i was gonna say tim was intimidating uh uh to to me as well because i did that first run no i mean no it's just not through and you were one you know you're one of the dudes in this you're one of the dudes yeah but i mean am i i always want to know karen just got home and she's probably just like god these You're one of the dudes in the scene. You're one of the dudes, yeah. But I mean, am I... I always want to know. Karen just got home and she's probably just like,

God, these guys are so gay. You're one of the dudes. I'm so nervous. I was like, you're cool. You probably don't think I'm cool. That's what it is. Was I mean at any point or was I... No, never.

But you are very opinionated. People tell me... That's what it is. Was I mean at any point? No. Never. No. I just don't remember. People tell me that, and I'm like, I haven't. First, I don't think I've done anything in comedy, really. I feel like I'm. Yeah. I've just been doing comedy in D.C. for so long. People go, Tim Miller.

But you do it well. You do it well. Well, thank you it well thank you but yes it's just i haven't quit i don't think i'm yeah i just haven't stopped it's yeah if you if you hang around long enough you're one of the guys like you are you are like a dc elder statesman but i think yeah when i started like i first started getting stuff, Ramin had me do a run of shows with Ben Kronberg. Remember that weekend? And you were featuring for him. Oh, yeah.

And I was emceeing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just so nervous because I was like, I want to do well. Same thing we're talking about. Like as a host, you're like, I've got a crush. And everybody else is like, just don't forget people's names when you bring them up. Get our names right. Say our name last.

That's really it oh yeah i mean and i remember those weekends man that was a fun run that was so fun that was cool it was such an interesting like the the crowds too i think we did lorton but rockville and maybe like one other one but it was cool you know i'm so stupid i was just like what happened to those shows i'm like oh yeah covet but yeah because we did you know we did arlington too right yeah yeah i think i think that's what it was yeah man yes we did the green room that might have been the first one yeah i think yeah like thursday through and it was so cool but yeah i was like you were never a dick but it was just like man tim's so funny and so cool. Yeah. That was pretty much it.

I bet he hates me. He's so cool. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. But it's just like it's just such a weird comedy. the sense that like um uh like you're always never sure of like your standing or like who

actually respects you every you know everyone's so like fragile and that's just because there's so much shit talking and it's such a like it's not competitive but it is competitive it's strangely you know what it is? It's the, you ever do like a secret race with somebody? Like they don't know it, but if you win in your head, you're like, I fucking beat him.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Of course. It's kind of competitive in that way where they come and ask. I noticed it when I got, I think when I first started working at the improv. I mean, 14 years ago. When you first start emceeing at the improv,

I mean, back then it was, like everything else, it was bigger back then, people would kinda go like, oh, you emceed this weekend? You emceed this weekend? You MC'd this weekend? Like other comics or whatever, like after. When I saw them later that, like after my weekend there, they'd be like, so how'd you do? Like that kind of thing.

And I'm like, oh, you're doing okay. Yeah. No, I did fine. I did good. Like, how many laughs did you get? Like how many? And it's like, how many laughs did you get? Like, how many? And it's like, oh, wow. This is deep for you.

What were your jokes per minute, though? You had the weekend, but did you get laughs every 30 seconds? Yeah. We're all such pieces of shit where we will try to play off how compliments don't affect us. But when someone comes up to you after a show and they say you were the funniest, that's what you want. Yeah. That's what I want to hear from. The only reason I will go out and talk to people after shows is because that's what I want to hear, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. If you need to. I hate people who don't admit it. I hate it. Here's the flip of that is if you don't do that well and you kind of know it you don't want to go out there i'm in the green exactly find me in the green room but if i do well it's wow how did i accidentally end up by the door everybody is

walking out of exactly what am i doing here what the wow oh you you saw me up on stage oh yes oh thank you so much honestly thank you i was in pennsylvania the other day for a show it was supposed to snow when i was leaving it just started snowing in baltimore so i knew my drive home was i was like you know what i'm just gonna get up get off stage and drive to my car i fucking did so well i was like you know what i'm hanging out for the whole show yeah i'm gonna hang for a minute but yeah if it didn't go i got snow to get home there's a so to bring it back to that uh that like secret competition or whatever with comics yeah and this is when i knew it was really deep i don't know if you guys remember comedian uh jerry seinfeld yes yeah i just rewatched it like three weeks ago okay there's a moment in that movie when he's talking about coming back to uh ray romano

ray romano looks at him and goes and it's and's so funny, they kept the camera on him after he asked this. He goes, so how much material is going to be new? And they kept the camera on him, and he kind of goes like, like smiling. He does a smile like, are you doing all new, or it gonna be like there's gotta be some old stuff in there like right that's when i knew when i saw that i was like this shit never it never dies never ends never goes away and they're both multi-millionaires but they're fucking billionaire-ish like and they have yeah and they have the competition of just like, so you're just writing new material? So it's all new?

All new. Okay. You've been doing this one thing for 20 years, and you wrote all new material in three months? I don't believe it. And Ray Romano, he's also asking that to make himself feel better. Of course. Because he's not writing, so he's like asking that to make himself feel better. Of course. Because he's not writing, so he's like, you're not writing, right?

So I'm still good. Okay, cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Never goes away, man. Damn. Yep, comedy's a hellscape.

Now that's a good note to go out on. Let's do it. It's never enough. It's a title. That's the title of this. i want to say one last thing i will say this like i was just listening to a lot of comedians during covid like we'll say things like um and let me preface this by i sort of get it and i think it's bad that they feel this way that they're like they're like god we're comedians we, we like fall apart if we can't go up on stage and blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like, you know what? You're not a fully evolved person if that's true. And like, God damn, go live your life. Like, I hope that's one thing, like a lot of like local and like comics just take away. Like you're allowed to take like you don't have to do this like once you get into a certain place dude go live your life don't just make this like your only fucking thing you gotta have hobbies relationships outside of comedy and family go experience other shit like you can't just hang out in basement bars

yeah with other with other weirdos yeah dark rooms yeah essentially hanging out with the same people that have the same mental illness you do and you're like we're all fine yeah exactly yeah we're all like god damn dude yeah step out of your world absolutely all right let's go out on that all right yeah let's get it's it's it's never enough uh tim thanks for doing the show man thank you we could have gone on for a while we got an hour and a half here maybe we'll cut the first like 30. i just felt like it was such insider talk that like if you started from like tim talking about like him up and stuff, that might be more interesting. I think it'll be fine.

I was going to put the whole thing up. Put the whole thing up. I like it all. I like it all. And also, Umar, you're asking me to edit, and I'm not going to. I'll be honest with you. If you guys, I mean, let me know. I mean, are we closed here?

Are you still? Yeah. Okay I mean, let me know. I mean, are we closed here? Are you still? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We're done. Yeah, thanks for listening, everybody. Peace. Yeah.

Peace. you