The Digression Sessions - Ep. 341 - Back to Normal

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

On this week's episode, Josh and Umar are indoors since Josh got his flu shot.

goodness hello welcome back to the digression sessions we took a week off we did i didn't even notice nobody did no our uh uh yeah when people reach out, they're just like, so are you going to post or what's going on? Was our last pod with Tim? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. No. No, we did one after that.

We did one, but we missed a week. Okay. Yeah, we missed one week. What the fuck did we... I don't even remember. I don't even know what I did last week. I don't think I did anything last week. It all just blends together.

I know. That's the point. Even doing podcasts now, everybody's's just like just the same old. Same old. We're bombing Syria again. Thank God. No one cares. Really back to normal.

Yeah. Even Syrians are like, this is nice. Yeah. Bombing Syria. Dr. Seuss got canceled. Not really, though. People made a big deal out of that. Yeah.

Do you think there's people in Syria, though, that are like, the U.S. is bombing us again? This feels good. We're back to normal. Probably, yeah. We're back to normal. You know how, like, if you, when you travel, we live in a city, and you hear all these noises when you're going to sleep, and then when you travel to, like, you're in the middle of, like, nowhere, and then you can't sleep because of

like the deafening silence it creeps you out maybe that's how people in war-torn countries are like yeah so they have like white noise uh bullfrog bombing yeah on the sound machine what is it called your tent uh when you have like a ringing in your ear like oh tinnitus tinnitus yeah and they're just like it's bought like war is probably really good for their tinnitus because you don't have to buy like a machine or an app or something uh-huh uh-huh keep white noise going like i'm saving so much money yeah yeah just the chanting riots and bombs going off screaming yeah help you sleep at night it all blends together um it would be crazy dude because it's like just a helicopter flying over your home which happens here all the time yeah especially hamden

because we have that the police's union headquarters are right down the street from our homes yeah uh and i guess like they were flying a helicopter just to keep like four protesters away from their building oh really yeah i that's the so um that's like over here and it flies low and it just circles like the bottom half of hamden yeah uh and it's pretty fucking annoying and loud yes i couldn't imagine that plus like it's actual war actual devastation yeah yeah well there is actual devastation we live in balt there is actual but i mean like your home's not getting blown up right like i'm saying there's not like rubble and debris yeah i would kind of like for my home to get blown up it'd be nice to you think so a little remodel with insurance get some insurance yeah they're like

oh blown up huh things are back to normal isn't that nice i wonder if oh man there probably isn't even insurance over in that like is there homeowners insurance if like a u.s bomb hits your house they have like a geico or yeah it's just like uh yep blown up by drone yeah we cover that you do have a thousand000 deductible, but we're going to cover the rest. Yeah. Dude, speaking of insurance, I am so fucking annoyed. Just like speaking of stuff that like going from like,

yes, like we're not getting bombed. Everything's fine. And just the little stuff that annoys you. So I refinance my house. Thank you. Thank you. Let me adjust from my point of privilege where I speak from. Well, interest rates are, well, they went up again. They went up again.

It's a bummer. So I got in there. Got in there at a good time. Got a nice 2.75. Right? And then a part of that refinance is you get your escrow back. Now, poor people. Escrow, what that is, is a cool DJ.

No, escrow is money that you put in to pay for your homeowner's insurance and things like that. Taxes. And it's honestly like it sucks because you're just paying it twice. Like you put that money in and then basically the mortgage company is like, well, we'll hold on to that. But you keep paying homeowners insurance. I don't understand escrow. I don't understand the point of it. It's so they're saying like if you don't have the money to pay for it every

month, it's already here. So they're making you pay it. Pay, but it's just your mortgage payment. So, but your mortgage payment includes that. No, I know. But I don't understand why there's a separate account, like why your money gets divided. I guess it's just an easier way for them to do it.

So, like, if you don't pay your mortgage, you're not paying those either. You know what I'm saying? No, I know. Yeah. So, that's why they're like, just in case you don't pay, we're fine. So, that's why you have to pay twice. Just so that lapse, there's something there. That money's already there, so they can issue it if there's taxes and stuff. I still don't really understand why it's that way, but okay. It's so they're that lapse that money's already there so they can issue it if there's

taxes i still don't really understand why it's that way but okay it's so they can fuck you basically it's basically saying like we don't have to we don't want to deal with this at all like the mortgage companies like something comes down where you don't pay at least we can issue this yeah anyway you're supposed to get that money back that was in there. And Wells Fargo is like, yeah, we'll get it to you in 30 days. Well, we're past 30 days. Damn, dude. And I have this fucking thing from the USPS where you get an email saying the mail you're going to get that day. And I've been waiting to see that Wells Fargo letter.

Boy, have I. Damn, dude. And then I saw it. Actually, they sent me one that was like hey we're gonna send you your escrow just send me my fucking check and i'm not dying for the money but it's like where the fuck it so i get the email the saying like hey you're gonna get two pieces of mail one from the mortgage company that bought your shit and then one from wells fargo and the one from wells fargo did not show up and that was on fucking thursday and it's just driving me nuts i just want my fucking money damn dude what are

you gonna do with it i'm gonna blow up a wells for uh nothing i just want to have it i just want it in my account that's all might use it to buy some artwork or a new mirror. Oh, yeah. It's nice. Had to give those away recently. Excuse me? I had to give my mirrors away to somebody. Are you sure you want to?

Yeah, I'm just saying. What mirrors? Two mirrors that I'm pretty sure I bought. But hey, I think I bought them twice and I don't have them. Damn, dude. Your breakup is nuts. What are you talking? I saw what I'm pretty sure I bought, but hey, I think I bought them twice and I don't have them. Damn, dude. Your breakup is nuts. What are you talking? I saw what I'm talking.

I don't give a fuck. DM me. I don't give a fuck. Come at me. What are you talking about? I don't know how I paid somebody money and then they still are like you owe me stuff and you're like, hey, just, you know, go live your life anyway. Oh, man. Like, hey, just, you know, go live your life. Anyway. Anyway. Oh, man.

If you guys knew. It's just so fucking frustrating. So I call Wells Fargo and I'm like, I haven't got the check. I'm like, okay, well, we can cancel it and then we can issue another one and that'll take two weeks. I'm like, why are we pretending the internet doesn't fucking exist? Wire it to me right now even if we didn't have the internet you could do that like what the fuck and they just go well that's not our policy like it sure is easy for you to get my money right right i can pay you online pretty easy that was fine that and now they're like i will send you a check like it's the fucking 40s or something. That's what's really annoying about, well, I guess not just Wells Fargo is a corporation,

but, or is it a corporation? A company. Yeah. But like the government, you know, if they, if you owe them money, it works like a fine tune oiled machine absolutely if you need if they owe you money they're like god damn the hoops you have to jump through to get money from them is ridiculous seriously and then the yeah even taxes is so stupid i know because they know they're like hey we know yeah we're not telling you and you will figure out if you can also like if you get it wrong you're going to jail yeah so crazy

and then also there's like all these like like i don't know i just use turbo who gives a shit anyway i do too what the fuck i didn't done one show i haven't done a show in a long time i don't have any coming up. Somebody goddamn book us for comedy. I'm doing I'm doing my cubes on Thursday. That would be March 11th. Yep. March 11th going to be at my goobies. It's a benefit show for my goobies,

which will be cool. All the money goes to them, which is in person. Yeah, in person show in Timonium, Justin Schlegel rob mayor violet gray um yeah should be a lot of fun that's great um yeah originally was a roast and i was like no thanks i also don't know these people you know roasts are tough because one

you got to know it's here's the thing about a roast. You got to do homework. Yes. We didn't get into comedy to do homework. The two I've done... I think I've done two... Oh, no. I've done three roasts, those time machine roasts that our buddy Benji does. So for people who don't know,

which is probably all of you, a time machine roast, our buddy Benji Himmelfarb... like yeah no i know what a time yeah i hate by the way i'm staring at josh's window i saw a guy running with his dog don't run with your dog i think they hate it some of them love it really listen i'm not i'm not a fast runner and don't run very far and so i used to run with my dog and they loved it. Oh, really? I thought I think dogs aren't meant to run like long distances. Yeah, maybe it wasn't even like two miles, but I would run like a mile.

Okay. I still think that's a lot. She was young, though. She was also like a farm dog. So it's like a herding dog. My dog would never do that. He couldn't keep up either. No, no.

Cobb wouldn't want to do that. Yeah. Anyway, so I did these time machine rows. So everyone picks a historical dead historical person from history. And then you find out like, all right, so this person is going to be Benjamin Franklin. I'm going to be whatever. Why can't I think of old dead people i literally blanked on other any cleopatra blah blah blah so then cleopatra blah blah blah you have to write these jokes and dude it's honestly you feel i felt like i was a student again because you're you're reading that you have to do tons of reading

to get like maybe four jokes yeah you're also like and it has it's super esoteric it's like amelia erhard huh born in idaho more like ida slut yeah and then so sometimes because they've been doing them for a while like all the obvious so also they don't want to repeat people yes all the obvious people are gone like socrates and yeah like uh benjamin franklin and hitler hitler yeah jesus and uh so then people start picking more like esoteric people and uh then not only is it difficult to write a joke but then you also have to write it in a you have to set the context so you're essentially like it's almost like doing book report comedy where you're like matahari is famous for blah blah blah right what a whore right matahari yeah and it's like man this

one it's when it comes together it is very fun yes but it's just a lot of work for five minutes. And then when you bought, I did one where I didn't do too great. You feel, it feels bad. Yeah. It feels really bad. Because literally it shows you didn't do your homework. It shows you didn't do your homework. And also a lot of people who do that show are very good at it.

Yeah. Like this comic Denise Taylor is very good. And Benji is like a killer. Yeah. Benji is really good at writing those. Yeah. Like he's just a good writer. Yes.

And so. Very funny, dude. Yeah. And our buddy Ramin is really good at it. Yeah. And so it's very tough. And they're so good where they like, I write like typical one-liners,

but they write like a whole, like they write like a whole arc where they're hitting every single person in like one. It's almost like they wrote like one act, like a one person, like a monologue. Yeah. Instead of like jokes. Right. and it's just like so good yeah because they tie everything together right fuck i wish my brain worked like that yeah i think yeah if you're already in that zone and like that type of writer it's a lot easier but if you're not like

you said it's homework where you're making the transition yeah into that style um one time i did a roast for oh i was there wind up that was years ago that was bad yeah i don't remember i remember doing well yeah uh i also remember saying things that if it came out today i would lose everything real quick uh speaking of historical figures in that vein, for some reason, we were reading about Edgar Allan Poe last night or something to do with his wife. But did you know he married his- A 14-year-old cousin? His first cousin.

She was 13. Yeah, I knew that. That's insane. Hey, man. Hey, I'm not going gonna judge people with 2021 standards all right right listen we all know we he should have waited till she was 14 yeah you know we know that now yeah but i mean we can't look at it through the lens of the future in the soon ye soon she's gonna be 18 soon 18 yeah so you know what i'm saying but it's just so funny like like cancel like

our football team is named after him he's just like oh shit yeah but dude i think that was very common back then uh i think it was very common to fuck 14 year old yeah which is just wild bananas i mean reading about it too so like her family was poor and he was like look i'll take care of your family and can you imagine like all right you gotta marry your first god damn i know you're 13 but we're poor oh dude half of i would say most a lot of my my dad's family married for his cousin. That's like a common thing in Pakistan. Really? Yeah, my dad's one of the few of his brothers and sisters that didn't marry a cousin.

Damn. You know how lucky I am? You're very lucky. Yeah, man. It's probably why I'm not fucked up. Well, they're fucked up. I mean, you're fine. I'm totally fine.

We're just writing pop punk songs on a Saturday. That's what you do. Yeah. That's what you do. Yeah, we're normal. pop punk songs on a saturday that's what you do yeah that's what you do yeah we're normal you complain about refinancing i'm gonna take a break to eat some vegan chili hell yeah it's gonna be nice um uh but yeah no i was just that just i knew that he married his first cousin but i didn't realize she was fucking 13 i couldn't imagine like going on a date with your cousin you're just like hey our family's very easy huh our families already know each other yeah yeah yeah you're just like 13 huh

what are you what are you doing multiplication tables now god that's got to be it'd be cool for holidays though because it's all the same people everybody knows that you don't have to split homes, right? Definitely not. Definitely not. I mean, you're not even splitting the family. That's true. Yeah. You don't have to change names.

Sometimes you might, depending on. But sure. A lot of times you won't have to change name. Yeah. It's pretty cool. In the Wikipedia, it was like they first met when she was seven. That's crazy. How old was he?

He's like in six years when he married her uh i think it was like a 27 year age different i think he was like almost 40 i think wow do they have kids they didn't have kids right no no no or maybe he was like maybe he was like late 20s still it was a wide gap when i was was in Pakistan, I visited Pakistan for a summer when I was in fourth grade. And I went to a wedding where a 16-year-old had an arranged marriage to

a 32-year-old man. Jesus Christ. Isn't that crazy? First cousins? Actually, I don't know. I'll have to ask my mom. That guy is dead now, but they had like three kids yeah crazy what did he die i don't know like fucking the guilt of fucking a teenager hi yeah i remember being at the wedding and uh my mom told me and i was i thought that was like the

craziest thing yeah by the way this whole fucking evans mom is in my head we talked about it last podcast saying like the like thing and then i was listening to another podcast where they were thing yeah by the way this whole fucking evans mom is in my head we talked about it last podcast saying like the like thing and then i was listening to another podcast where they were complaining about how people say like too much yeah and it's uh man it's just been in my head ever since really hard not to say it's it's it's gonna be weird when we're old old like really old because how are you today what what were you kids up to well i remember my grandson he was like grandpa yes you're like and that so there's two other things that millennials do that annoy older generations like uptick you know what uptick is yes at the end i do that where you go um at the end of your sentence, you go a little higher.

I'm trying to think of like... So we were recording music and... Yeah, we were recording music and I don't know how to play in time. I want to kill myself. Umar is learning tempo. Yeah, I'm learning tempo and... I'll put that song that we just did. I'll put it at the beginning of this podcast.

So the music you just heard as the bumper a few minutes ago is a Umar Khan original. Well, yes. Yeah, we worked on it together. But yeah, you had the bones of it. Right. And like we recorded it. I added some stuff. And it's pretty good for you.

Pretty good for me, dude. Pretty good. And then, oh, oh yeah we'll talk about that and then yeah the other thing is um vocal fry yo i i don't like that yeah it was like oh my god yeah but is that what vocal fry is i think so it's basically it's like having like hungover voice all the time you know yeah it's so i guess it's when people don't put effort into when they speak so they're like they kind of sound like that you're like oh my god and i think the kardashians are kind of the ones who were paris yeah paris hill do have you heard paris hilton now uh she sounds

completely different her face looks different now well yeah. I think she had a lot of work. I watched that Britney documentary after you told me about it. Yeah. And I am a free Britney activist now. Yes. Well, here's the thing. I am... I don't know if... All right.

What happens if Britney Spears does get free? Uh-huh. And then she just like blows all her money uh-huh or something really bad we would feel real shitty i don't think her dad is a good person isn't that her right as an american but then you watch her instagram stories and you're like is this person saying probably not but not that is not her fault but you could also be crazy because of the situation she's in yeah you would have to feel nuts but when you see her speak and her eyes she her eyes are a little wild wild you also don't know what meds she's she's probably drugged up like

i don't think she's allowed to pick that either right i that documentary i did like the part where the woman was like uh i never heard from britney spears dad but when i did talk to him one time he said my daughter she gonna get so famous she gonna buy me a boat that's how much trash you are like your expectations are that low you're like oh i'm gonna get me a boat yeah hey listen boats are expensive boats are yeah dude upkeep just a docket like come on the upkeep on like a boat. Oh my God. On a boat. On a boat. You have a boat. Yeah. I don't know.

Vocal fry never has bothered me. Uptick hasn't bothered me. I do think people who say like a lot, you do notice it and it fucks with you. Yeah. I can't not say it. Even if something is specific, I'm like, hey, do you want like a coke or something or do you want you want to get like a beer or do you want like this thing yeah yeah and they're very hard to break it's very hard but isn't it a filler because you're still gathering your thoughts isn't that what like that that's why you say it at least i think that's why i say for me that's what um is i think saying like i

thought it was non-committal in a way that you're trying not to offend so it can't be a space thing but then when you say stuff do you want like uh this thing do you want like you know so it's a way to like couch it even what i'm saying like that's interesting and that is a very it's a way to like couch it. Even what I'm saying. Like that's interesting. And that is a very it's funny because Americans are always Americans are stereotyped as being very like, oh, yeah. It's not like they are. Americans are stereotyped as being like, oh, as being as being, I guess. I can't speak.

See, because for me, I'm trying to gather my thoughts, but Americans are stereotyped as being very forward or even abrasive in speaking. Loud. Commanding and loud. Yeah. But I think Americans use very passive language so like see yeah even there it's really hard to do that so when americans order food i've noticed this a

lot when you're in line people will say things such as such as can i get a blank blank blank instead of just saying i'll have a cheeseburger with fries and coke i think can i is almost but that's passive that's almost a respect thing no we think it's a respect thing but why is it you're at a place where you're buying things still you got to be nice i don't know it gets to the point i don't think i don't think it's perceived as not nice right i guess you could say i would like or something yeah i would like a fries and coke yeah bitch yeah yeah mrs bitch but can i is in it's why is it offensive or abrasive or whatever to say yeah i'll have a fries and coke i guess yeah i always just want to be deferential in a way not not to like oh my, is it okay if I order?

But yeah, I never want to feel like I'm like, or as if I'm bossing somebody around. That's the funny thing about American stereotypes, because I think most Americans don't want to. It's all the same shit. It's like being polite. And another thing, my cousin, she came here from Singapore, and we were going out to eat, and she was making fun of how me and my brother, she was just saying Americans are so overly polite to wait staff. Oh, it's way different in other countries.

Yeah, I've never really experienced. When I was in Mexico, we were being very nice, but it was hard to pay attention to other people. But I don't know. I don't know how else to be with someone who's bringing me fucking food. It feels weird to not be nice to them. Totally. But I don't think they're working on tips like we do.

I remember my Spanish teacher saying in Spain, basically a waiter comes over your table and they're like like just kind of pointy like tell me what do you want like i'm busy it's not like hey how we doing today guys oh man i hope we're hungry the class who they come over the table is quiet must be good huh you know you know who i like a lot is the guy my friend's dad growing up was this way he always thought wherever we'd go whether we're he's buying something at a store or we're at a restaurant or whatever he for some reason always thought he had like a special connection with the server yeah and he thought like and i and now

like when i was young i was like man yeah this guy's like a smooth talker he's right he's an asshole people like him and then you just realize like oh no everyone hates him he's annoying that's why he's divorced yes like it's also why he doesn't have friends a girlfriend cannot read the fucking room he can't yeah he's annoying exactly he and he will he's relentless like i even remember being like a kid and i this is gonna make him sound like a pedophile but i would be over my friend's home and you know and his dad was always there like it's almost as if he was one of the dudes this is when you went over to the allen's house his name is woody yes woody allen how are you i wouldn't mind a coke

could i have some young pussy uh soon soon ye um jesus uh yeah so we'd be hanging out and i'm like all right i'm gonna go and then his dad and the kid would both like don't go don't go stay stay and i'm like you're a fucking dad why are you weighing in on this this is weird because i think it's because of what you just said to her he's like i'm not hanging out with anybody else yeah hang out and and then yeah so i just remember always going out and he was like see see if you're nice but i'm like bro bread's free here like yeah who gives a fuck this wait waiter waitress doesn't care like she just in fact they hate they probably hate it you can also you can be nice but yeah if you're dominating the time being like well i always love that what's your favorite thing what do you like tell me i know you really like i'm sure people hate that

yeah i don't know what do you expect them to say like uh actually that that is dog shit that tastes terrible they're never gonna say like i don't know if the sea bass is for me yeah and then there's people who i guess i'm kind of like i do like talking to strangers a lot like i think that's the best part of being at a bar yeah as you talk to the people next to you um which which is probably the thing that i miss the most that's why even going out now during covid like sometimes it's just you know because yeah i don't mind that though oh yeah it depends if you get talking to somebody that like dominates your shit and like no no no no beat it beat it yeah that sucks but then it's pretty easy to take care of. You just turn.

Yes, there's nothing. Yes, like more clear than this person doesn't want to talk to you when they're like, okay, you take their drink and turn around. Hopefully they get that. Some people don't. This is a quick tangent, but it's in line with that. But at the St. Paul exit yesterday, there's a light right there and there was a homeless guy.

And I didn't have any change, but I had extra gloves that I found. And I saw I didn't have gloves and I like gave him the gloves. It's like, do you want gloves? And he like gave me like a cut. He kind of had a little bit of a crazy eye, but like gave me a nod. Yes. And so I gave him the gloves and then he just still kind of like stood there and he like he bent over and he just looks at me through the window he's like i'm a fucking failure i was like no you're not

and the light was red so there's nowhere to go and he just kept screaming and i was like no uh you got those gloves god damn that's so funny i was like no was he on drugs i i don't know if it was like a mental illness thing or what yeah yeah hey good for him for being aware it was just failure what do you say you're like yeah i was just like no you're not man that's hilarious you're doing great i'm a failure oh i'm a fucking failure it's like nah yeah she's like well give me my gloves back oh yeah users to use i want winners to have these gloves damn they have the iphone uh finger thing how about this guy though how about the bartender that talks too much to you? That happens. Beat it, nerd.

That's a bummer. No, thank you. Yeah, like I've had that happen where you're kind of a regular at a spot. Yeah. And they just don't say things and you got a fake laugh. I don't mind one round of that yes you know where they're like oh somebody's having fun based on like the cocktail that you get or whatever it is like oh boy who you know somebody's gonna get buzzed or you're like haha okay you know leave it yeah or

whatever it's just like we're this weather you're like i know it's beautiful leave it there you know so there's one bartender where karen and i will will go and she's very nice and she's very chatty, which it's fine. It's whatever. Yeah. But then she'll do that thing where she wants to do shots with you. And it just sucks because we're adults. But you should just be able to say, no, I'm good. But then everyone goes, oh, come on.

And you just feel like you're the bummer of the party. You pussy. Yeah. It was funny because one night we went to the bar. We were hanging out. And this specific person, she had got off her shift. She was working. Or she got off her shift from working.

And we all stayed and hung out at the bar and she fucking got so drunk she fell out of her stool and then her friend had to like drive her home but she's cool she did those shots yeah very cool shots man shots are uh they're tough yeah i i don't know the last post pandem think post-pandemic, I won't be doing... Actually, I've done shots during the pandemic. It was rough. I probably... I mean, I don't think I did shots, but I had way too many gin and tonics. Here's what I've learned. Here's people who do shots.

Really young people or people like Karen's age that were big drinkers in their youth. Yeah. I don't know any people my age that were big drinkers in their youth. Yeah. I don't know any people my age that are really into shots. It is tied to a youth thing. We're like, it's fun. We're doing shots. We're like, no, thanks. I think I did shots just because I thought that's how you drink.

So my order at a bar when I first started drinking was a shot of vodka. 15 shots. A shot of rail vodka and a Miller Lite. Yeah. Oh, vodka and Miller Lite is such a weird combo. I didn't know. I was just like, all right, because I don't want to spend a ton of money,

but I want to buzz. Yes, you also want to get fucked up quick. Yeah, you want to get fucked up quick, and you don't feel full. You don't, you know. So that's what was my thinking but it fucks you up because yeah you get hammered you get hammered so quick but when i go over karen's friend's house um karen's best friend annie her husband always wants to do like whiskey shots

and we do like the pickle pickleback whatever shots yeah and i don't want to be a bummer but i also don't i don't want to do it yeah i'm like i'm cool just sipping a drink he's like i will do shots and i'm like that all right we did two or three shots in one night and for me that's you're wild you're hammered wild yeah um because yeah whiskey's what like 96 proof or something yeah varies yeah still that's crazy crazy uh yeah and that's that's a close cousin of drinking games i remember that as a kid or i'm like how about we all just drink we don't have to be like if you get the quarter in the cup you gotta take a shot yeah like just just drink it's fine That's also another funny part about growing up where when everyone discovers drinking. Yeah.

And then it's like, and then they're like, hey, let's make it a game. I'm like, we just start. It's just like having sex once. And then you're like, I'm bored. Let's do anal. It's just like. Yeah. Like, I guess we should get a sex swing, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. It's like. Yeah. I don't know, man. I've had sex like two times i think i'm ready for three so i mean i'm just kind of over it you know what i mean it's just like why just chill enjoy hang out yes yeah watch a movie drink have some drink but it's like everyone has to involve

like the card games that's what i'm tired yeah table and there's nothing more of a buzzkill than some douche explaining rules to you for how to drink during this game now i'm the president but you're the asshole and i gotta we gotta i remember on new year's eve my friends and i it was just like eight of us and we played kings that card game i don't think i don't even know they they would just tell me like what to do for each card. Yeah. But one of the cards you make up like a rule that everyone has to or that one person has to do until someone fucks up. And then that person has to do it. It was keep your forehead on the table. What?

And I just wanted to say, you know what? I'm going to go home. This blow. This sucks. Yeah. It's like you're in trouble in school or something. I know. It was a table. Aren't we just supposed to be drinking? Yeah. blow this sucks yeah it's like you're on you're in trouble in school or something i know it was on the table like aren't we just supposed to be drinking yeah my friend uh brendan he hated the

taste of alcohol but you know you're smearing off ice uh no he uh vodka though but he would just gulp down like a glass of it and just be like well I'm done like I'm happy yeah yeah yeah I mean it was fine but it was just so funny because it's I think that's why you do shots too is you know that alcohol tastes disgusting you're also not getting a hold of something like

a very sippable whiskey yeah you're getting rail at best whatever like cheap thing you like pop off vodka yeah and so you're like let at best, whatever like cheap thing you like pop off vodka. Yeah. And so you're like, all right, let's just do a shot very quickly because this tastes terrible. I know. I thought that way about beer for the longest time.

Really? I thought beer tasted disgusting. Oh, I've always liked beer. Everybody was drinking like Natty Light and shit like that. Oh, that's gross. I don't even know if I've ever drank Natty Light in my life. I don't think I have either. I moved on and yeah, I. I moved on pretty quick.

Miller High Life was always good. High Life is my go-to. They're always good. I got six in my fridge right now. Love me a damn IPA, though. Oh, I don't like an IPA. They all taste the same. No, you fool.

You don't even understand hops. I was talking about this. I hate... There's so many different hops dude i can't stand two guys i really can't beer guys oh car guys like if you're a car guy and he dude if you if your car if your car yeah or any car really, but specifically your car, if it's your profile picture, the chances that that guy hits his wife is like 100%. And fucking that car. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but car guys, I feel like most of them have loose tempers.

And I'm not talking about like old, I'm talking about like, you know, like the souped up sports car guy. Young dudes. Yeah. Like maybe like a chin strap beard. Very Fred Durst energy. Yeah. Yeah. Fred Durst energy.

Yeah. Any. Also, any car that's murdered out, which just means like everything's black. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, that's not a good sign. That's not a well adjusted individual. Spoilers.

Spoilers. It's like you need a spoiler on your car to drive you gotta wait your house to your job that's 30 minutes away you gotta weigh it down you know what i mean because i mean the engine might break loose that's what a spoiler does i think it weighs it down a little is that what it does oh i thought it made it more aerodynamic that too you gotta well you gotta get to pussy faster. Well, then spoilers, like some people had spoilers. It was an addition you could have. So there would be people with a fucking Toyota Camry with a spoiler on them.

Oh, you saw those all the time. You are like preludes and stuff or whatever. What suburban mom needs a fucking spoiler on her car like just and it's a purely aesthetic cool thing that you're probably paying a couple grand more for she's like oh the lights come on when i break it looks cool very cool yeah uh spoiler alert yeah i can't stand car guys because also i don't give a shit about cars at all and then like to have a conversation like because this is one thing beer guys and car guys do is they want to talk to you about it even though you don't give a shit about it oh yeah it's their world you know what i mean yeah like beer like if you are excited about a

brewery releasing like a beer i think that's lame. Yeah. It's just, like, weird. I was at Nepenthe one day, and there was, like, this group, this table next to us, and just, like, they're like, oh, man, dude, yeah, we got to come back in October. That's when they're releasing their fall line, and it's just like, oh, I was here six months ago, blah, blah. It's just like, God, dude, just fucking drink and have fun. Shut the fuck up. It's also so like it's all pretty close to stuff that's already available to you. You know, it's like the beer is not going to be that much different. You're like, oh, this one's like even with like an IPA, like, okay, this one has like more of a citrusy flavor. This would be cool for the summer, but it's not like, man man if i had a fucking orange in this right now my life would be different they made this one with tricks cereal i was like well i can't taste it at all yeah i

do like that where they're like yeah there's there's skittles in it yeah miss me with that the guy who wants you to take a sip of their drink try this dude you gotta try i'm like yeah i'm good oh come on just try i'm like no yeah i'm fucking good i i do like i like beers but i won't it's not my make or break like yeah it's definitely one so i'm like oh i'd like to try that or try something new but i'm not like man on friday that's when i get my new four pack of tall boys and i try something new you know what i mean hey i mean look i get it everyone's into their thing what stuff i like it like like uh jamie and kelsey came over and they brought over one of unions yeah they're beer people yeah but not to the extent where it's like oh boy like

jamie brought over a new thing that union is doing which by the way i didn't realize the cans were 9.2 percent i was like oh my god i had like two of those or three um but uh but yeah i like that if something's new i'm like oh this is cool like same way like if a restaurant's like our special today is this burger you're like i want to try that you're not like man i gotta come back here in october and get the fucking book you know apparently there's weed beer now of course there's a little bit of uh like five but it's only five milligrams which is like nothing because five grams is decent five milligrams five milligrams that's like that's good like that's like a gummy no i thought our gum gummies that not ours but yeah we don't you can get you can get gummies that are more i thought

it was grams no i think we do grams no no no no dude that's a lot i'll show you this thing i got you that you have no that you have seen i have seen yes these gummies are sour patch gummies and they're little each Each one is 30 grams. No way. Dude, I'm going to take a picture of my friend's gummies. There's no way. The whole bag may contain. No, the whole bag contains like 200-something.

Nah. I'm telling you. Nah, my guy. My buddy bought it off someone at a comedy club you're going to be performing at soon. It must have been expensive because that's a lot. It was 20 bucks what I hear. That's a lot. There's no way.

That's a misprint. I'm pretty sure. I don't know, man. Listen, I got to eat this chili. Can we take a break so I can eat chili? Eat. Yeah, do it, please. Now we're recording.

Fuck! Now we're recording. All right, guys. We took a break. We took a chili break. We're recording. Now we're recording. All right, guys. We took a break. We took a chilly break. We're back. We were talking into microphones that weren't recording. Nope.

And that's what you do. We don't often pause either. So, yeah. That was some juicy talk. We were talking about... We have a buddy who is paid to fuck porn stars. He pays to do it. He pays.

Yeah. Of course. It sounded like you said he's paid to do it oh no he's not a porn star that fucks other porn stars no yeah also porn star that's tough i mean just what a tough life because yeah you when you tour you go to these strip clubs that are gnarly i'm sure and then yeah you're like, I got to make a little money on the side and be a fucking escort, you know? Yeah, I wonder how much the average... I wonder if it's not too far off from what it's like being a comedian, where most 10 comedians make millions of dollars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then most are essentially working class people. Right, right. And then, yeah, I i guess only fans is changing all that shit yeah but even that it's the famous ones like famous porn stars are the ones making the most sure definitely but there are other like i saw a article where um a mom was making 150k a month and then somebody at her kids private school found out yeah and then her kids got kicked out of school which is funny because the dad so apparently like a dad at that school told his wife and then his wife but wouldn't the wife be like well what the fuck are you doing

on only fans yeah how do you know because you can't get access to that shit without being on and paying for OnlyFans. He's like, well, I heard a bill actually. Yeah. It makes me sick. What a piece of shit this guy goes up to. He's like, hey, honey, look. Yeah, so I paid a look at this woman's naked pictures. What a whore.

She sends her kids to our school. What a whore. He absolutely jerked off first, too's like well hold on i'm gonna take care of this is wrong so fucking crazy insane but i guess she can't do anything because it's a private school but oh true true so funny that that part never gets asked like wouldn't you as an interviewer just the first thing you would say yeah so how did you come across it yeah that's good interviewing my thing is dude like why does it bother you how does it affect the kids at all right i don't think it does yeah because also they're not even interacting with stuff. Yeah. Like some of the shit out there too,

because I think we talked about it. The Hulu has a documentary on like only fans, people and stuff. And there was one where a woman, she is like, yeah, like she was talking about like this stuff that she offers. She's like,

and I do the boyfriend or the girlfriend package where for like a week she pretends she's your girlfriend so she'll just online yes so like she'll like text you a more like a video from bed and be like good morning and like all that stuff dude people are who is paying for that there's also that kink where um there i watched uh a vice doc on this there's a kink where guys just like giving their money to women have you heard of that what a kink yeah so this guy like went broke because he gets off on just transferring huge amounts of money is that like some type of domination thing yeah i guess man and this guy like went broke doing it yeah could you imagine just getting like thousands of dollars just to show your oh i don't even think it's like they have to see anything

they just literally find a girl yeah and transfer money to her that's like the humiliation of it and stuff fucking crazy yeah yeah oh yeah so then the girl does like uh yeah like talk down to them and yeah tell them they don't deserve the money yeah yeah exactly yeah dude what they're like you're incredible here's two grand man meanwhile i just want my fucking escrow check i'm like the exact opposite even when i have to venmo karen for something that we're splitting i'm like the exact opposite. Even when I have to Venmo Karen for something that we're splitting, I'm like, man, my dick is so not hard right now. My dick is so small. Yeah. Can you gas me up a little bit, baby?

Yeah. I feel like, thank you so much for the groceries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're welcome. But I'm like, man, I really hate transferring money that's not even mine. Man, we really paid for that BG&E bill, huh, baby? Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I want my fucking check. It's just driving me nuts. Hey, man, you're going to get it. It's so weird to be waiting every day for something. It's funny because before, so we started the podcast with Josh saying how he wants his money. Yes. Then we took a break, and during the break, Josh is just telling me how he steals from giant what i didn't tell you that and you

know why i want my money and you know why i'm stealing from giant because i don't have my money okay i don't have my money i need money and also stealing no way i was saying that if you become a member and then put in your phone number the savings you get it's like you're stealing yeah i get i always want to steal and then i get nervous yeah you got to get that uh you got to get that big dick bro you gotta i guess you you can always just be like, oopsie. You know? Mm-hmm. That's what, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah. You just be like, I don't know. I don't know. I stole all this. Because I do think they have camera, at least like Target, I definitely know. Yeah. Because my mom, I remember when my mom worked at Target, they have a whole security team. Watching everything. Watching all the time.

I think Giant does too. Behind double mirrors, cameras. Sure. Yeah. security team watching everything watching all the time i think giant does too behind double mirrors cameras sure yeah because i told you uh i said on the podcast but it was over the summer where like a drunk kid came up to me like drunk white trash ham tonight oh right yeah and then like this giant dude out of nowhere was like came over was like do you have a gun on you to that guy and he was like yeah what's the problem he's like i just need you to keep it in your waistband and i was like whoa i would leave that's so unsettling whoa it's like hey you can have a gun in giant in baltimore he was drunk too and he was there with his chick and his kid i don't think you're allowed to be inebriated and

carry i think that's against the law since when george washington did it that's my right that's my right did he yeah of course all right yeah he loved it that's what the british were so upset with because he had so many freedoms yeah that's what it was um yeah and then we'll go out on this texas opening up mississippi also opening up or something like a hundred percent pretty good i don't understand why anyone has faith in the texas leadership after the whole snow thing yeah with them their grid yeah not being able to sustain yeah because they refuse to be part of the federal grid yeah they wanted to privatize everything i like that they tried to blame it on green energy they're like here here we go this is green energy it's like well you had to approve it yeah what do you mean well and

afterwards i guess i don't know how energy works but for some people were getting like seventeen thousand dollar bills there was a guy whose power didn't go out and so he got charged that much yeah he got charged like 16 grand is the state gonna say you don't have to pay this yeah i mean yeah i'm flipping out about not getting my 17 can you imagine if you got a bg and e bill for 20 grand and you did nothing different that would be fucking insane great yeah like maybe hire a lawyer if they're like, well, you actually owe it. You know, like if BG&E doesn't work with you, what recourse do you have? Yeah, that sucks. 17K.

Did you see that? Just to heat your home for a month? Yeah. And also, yeah, just normal shit. Yeah. It's not like you were like, I was running a nightclub in my basement. I wonder if Joe Roggan got a crazy because you know that's also another funny thing a lot of comics move had just moved to austin because rogan did and they're gonna make it into a like comedy town which i

think they will yeah and there's already comedy there. But yeah, it could be pretty wild. Just imagine being like an open mic comedian and you have like, even if you have a $2,000 bill, that's a lot of money. Oh, fuck yeah. If I had to pay $2,000 for one month of BGE. Oh, I would be mad. Yeah. I would be mad mad. That would be insane. Listen just i just want my fucking

wells fargo hey man you get it when a couple more steaks yeah he don't eat them up just be patient eat them up wait um yeah man it's uh i just like the text like there's no need obviously it's like this isn't a hot take to be like what are you doing but it's based on what that they're like yeah a hundred percent open i don't know because i was looking at the amount of people vaccinated in their state it's not very it's like the same as here it might be like a little more like percentage wise there is something to say florida has been completely open for a while. But with masks, right?

I don't know. From hearing comics who've been there say people don't really wear masks. So there's a law where you... Yes. So there is a mask law. But once you have to walk into an establishment with a mask and you just take it off is what i'm hearing oh so well like they have to if you're at a comedy club yeah so uh or a bar so this comic was saying i can't remember who it was um because he wears a mask and he i think it was joe list and

he was saying you feel kind of judged for wearing a mask when you're inside yeah he said even the cop outside of the comedy club he was telling people to wear masks and he was like apologizing he said like oh god like he said sorry i know it's dumb i have to do it just put it on you come in then you take it off this is the policy i'm not a pussy they're making me say this thing. But Florida's numbers aren't that much different than California's. And California has probably the most strict shutdowns in the country. So I don't know. Right. Yeah.

I understand opening up and keeping things open. But the no mask thing is wild to me. Wild. I'm vaxxed up, so i don't care what we do now yeah i gotta i gotta get my other shot who wins that happen uh this month nice so yeah which one'd you get pfizer me to pfizer baby i have to get another

one they're like a booster for the variance yeah no um yeah i wouldn't got my haircut and the person was cutting my hair i saw that she got uh she got the shot i think last week yeah i was like congrats on that and she was like yeah there was a link going around i was like i saw that link and i clicked that um yeah we're just talking about it where it's like, yeah, you got to have just people have to be vaccinated. Like regardless of the group, like nobody's going to be upset. Like no healthcare workers going to be like there's a someone else that's vaccinated.

I'm upset with that. You know what I mean? Yeah, like the amount. Yeah, I think it's fine. I think the issue is like old people are having a hard time. Yeah. So my buddy created a computer program where you just type in people's information and it'll automatically sign you up for the next available appointment. Oh, that's a programmer. That's great.

And so he asked me, he's like, do your parents need it? But my parents are good. But I actually just hooked up my coworker, his older relatives. So a couple of them are deaf and stuff. And so they all got they finally got to get appointments because of this program he made good yeah that's awesome it's pretty tight yeah my dad got it which is good i don't even think my grandma has it yet which is wild because she's at in like a retirement home yeah like assisted living thing yeah both my parents have it i gotta say when you get it it's you feel it feels pretty good you're you um yeah you just don't you you know we're still

wearing masks and all that shit but yeah it's nice we're like fuck it we'll go to a bar yeah it it just feels yeah it feels very willy wonka like golden ticket and like holy shit this is very cool i know can people just also stop with the fucking posting of what other people are supposed to be doing? No one. I saw she's very nice. She doesn't listen to this. I don't give a shit. But she is very nice.

But she just posts like, don't go in restaurants. Just do takeout. And I go and then I respond. You know, I'm like, you know what's funny? Restaurant people want you in their restaurant. They don't hate you because you're there. They like that you're there. That's money for them.

And she said, I know. And I named a specific restaurant. I won't say who. And I said, when I'm there, what I hear from them is they like people coming in. They want more people to come in and it really helps them yeah and she said i know they're forced to be in that position but you should just do take out i'm like yeah i'm gonna eat there you know yeah i think you can do it safely oh yeah agreed yeah apparently i don't know some people are saying restaurants are the

number one spreaders and then some people are saying that's not true and I don't know what to believe. I mean, it makes sense that it's a spread. I mean, if you have people like eating and talking in a closed environment, it makes sense that it would spread. The strippers came after the mayor recently. Oh, really? Did you hear that? Are they stripping with a mask on?

So he opened up everything except for strip clubs, you know, or he Brandon it's got because we did a second round of like restaurant shutdowns and then they like really petition and I guess he caved because they, you know, I think they wear masks. They don't do lap dances. Yeah, but it's just funny that I understand they need to work, but who the fuck is going to a strip club during a pandemic? That's a lot different than a restaurant. Yeah, but there's, I mean, well, some of them serve food. Have you ever got the brunch at Larry Flynn's Hustler Club?

Have you? It's incredible. Oh, my God. Hey, it's bottomless. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Like, are they going to have to strip with a mask on though i think so i think the sexiest thing is they pull the mask down because i think i'm trying to do

more outdoor shows as it gets warmer but so far i think the mandates right now all performers still have to wear performers have to wear a mask right now that's the mandate and i'm like gotcha fuck that i'm not doing that yeah i'm not doing a show where comedians have to wear a mask right now that's the mandate and i'm like gotcha fuck that i'm not doing that yeah i'm not doing a show where comedians have to wear a mask yeah it's yeah especially because facial expressions are important yeah with all that shit it's it's funny the thing you get used to though some shows you go and they switch out the mic which i think that should just happen no matter what from now on. Yeah, I love that. I love, yeah, I love the Purell.

I don't even mind wearing a mask in public. Grocery store, like Purell your hands in and out. Like, that's great. The mask bothers me because of glasses. Oh, that sucks. The fog is... That really bothers me. But then the last show I did, we didn't switch the mic, but they put like the mic condom yeah yeah what's the point of this why did they switch it for everybody no then yeah so we're all just using the same one I'm like

why are we yeah that's where rule like I do understand some people's grievances with the rules because so often they just don't make sense so one example is you know um like we okay so we know that surfaces the spread from surfaces is very rare yeah and so when you go to a restaurant people are handling your food when you go to the grocery store people are handling your food so then when schools open they can't have school like a lot of schools like everyone just has to bring their own lunch it just doesn't make sense and then yeah when um so then karen's planning a birthday party for one of her friends and you know they're trying to be very mindful and safe right and they said well how should we do food i'm like you just do it normally yeah just make it buffet we all ladle it into our plates i think that's the safest way to go

yeah and then people are like no i think it needs to be every food item should be like we should do sandwiches and each sandwich is pre like packaged yeah and i was like that sounds so there's it's just so it's pointless yeah i'm like if you're eating produce and meat people are touching all those things yeah and before you pick something up at a grocery store it's touched so many hands so many hands and immigrant ones too gross but so many but that's why i like having the purell at the door like that's great everybody i think they have that hit that before you touch the produce really i don't know if i want this apple what about this apple yeah pure all at the that is uh something that i haven't

like thought but i'm yeah that should be a normal thing i think it should be at any establishment you go into like why not when i used to work in a research lab with where kids would come because we were in a clinic where kids would would what? They would... Excuse me? Yeah. Was this the Woody Allen Laboratory? Yeah, the Woody Allen. What? So we had those PRL things everywhere.

Yeah. So just because they're there, you would hit it all the time. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. If you see it by the door, you're like pow. It's like when you're in a green room, you're just downing waters. Yeah, they're there. They're there. I'm never more hydrated than in a a green room, you're just downing waters. They're there.

I'm never more hydrated than in a fucking green room. Oh, dude. Green room, I'm drinking minimum. Also, everyone fucks up. You put it down. You're like, I'll just grab another one. Was that mine? I don't know. Yeah.

And then I have a hand spray in my car. So if I do give homeless people money, it's just so funny to spray your hand right after. Because you're like hey pandemic that's what i'm doing it for you know what i mean like there's no other time where that would be acceptable where you're like here's a dollar i think cash will be killed give me the spray i think a lot of places will stop doing cash uh i don't know how people get around doing that because i don't think you're allowed oh people are doing it i know but it's very weird like i don't think you're allowed oh people are doing it i know but it's very weird like i don't think you're allowed to deny legal tender really yeah that's

it's very weird like there's some weird rule with that where it's like you have to accept money i gotta say i love not using cash i just started doing the uh i've been doing it for a while now but the apple pay on the phone so good love that dude i got paid cash recently after a show yeah i like it the only time i ever get cash is when i hang out with my dad who also makes fun of me all the time he's like well you don't have cash i'm like i do if i hang out with you yeah we'll get lunch and he's like here's 10 and i just forget about it no one then all of a sudden i have like 50 in my wallet i'm like where the fuck did this come from?

Yeah. So the guy who booked me, he was you. He said, oh, don't leave. I was like, oh, just Venmo me. He's like, oh, no, no, I got cash. I'll break this 20. And I was like, you can Venmo me. He's like, well, I'll just give you this.

I'll give you the cash. Give me that because I wanted to go straight into my bank. Yeah. I'm not going to go to ATM. It's just sits in my wallet. Yeah. That's what I mean. Like, I forget.

I don't mind throwing the fucking ATM. But still, it is very weird to have cash all this shit that he told me too is like you're gonna have to learn how to balance a checkbook you should have cash on hand all this stuff we're like never have to do any of that none of it matters none of it matters all right let's all right let's go out on that nothing matters guys nothing go eat at a restaurant. Nothing even matters. Who cares? Yeah, so I'm doing Magoobies on the 11th. Come out to that. That'll benefit the club. Love that club. Great funny show. Come out to that.

Follow us on social media. None of it matters. Bye-bye. Bye. We'll be right back. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion.

Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. Cynhyrchu'r ffynion. We'll be right back. We'll see you next time.