The Digression Sessions - Ep. 347 - College Quidditch Team

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

On this week's episode, Josh and Umar are catching up on shows and whatnot. Sorry the ep gets cut short. The file got corrupted. I blame ANTIFA. Check out the new EP "Water Signs" from Josh's band Tremendous Athlete!

Hey everybody guys. Hey, welcome back to the aggression. So how many weeks did we take off? You know, something like that, but you know, we've been busy boys. We have been. Yeah, you've been out on the road a little bit did oh yeah road shows road shows spots yeah i was uh i was supposed to do a dc uh a show a backyard show with pete bergen and uh got rained out which was a bummer on friday so ramin hit me up he was like hey can you do lorton as like a host like i think it was thursday hit me up and he was like could you host on friday i know it's not a lot of money you would just like really help me out and i was like i can't i'm supposed to do this show on friday uh pete bergen show and he's like all right fine fuck you you know like it was rami in fashion i was like ah sorry then the friday show ends up getting canceled gets moved to saturday i couldn't do saturday and then pete bergen got rami into headline instead and he was like ah you didn't do my show and i took yours and i was like

damn it damn it uh but yeah man uh i know you've been on the road road a bit a little bit of road action yeah how was that so you did virginia beach virginia beach but hold on before virginia beach oh man i got like three good show stories i love it i love it speaking of ramin ramin was featured so a couple of weeks ago karen went out of town for a week yeah and uh i'm not like one of those guys like yes my lady's gone i'm gonna man cave it up when the cat away, the mouse will jerk off in the living room. By the way, the idea of a man cave is so insane to me that you would turn your whole basement into a shitty bar. Oh, yeah. You know, like get that neon Coors Light sign.

Yeah. Yeah. Like a barstool sports flag. Saturday is it for the boys? Yeah. Like I remember my friend's's dad he redid his basement and then uh he was like hey guys check this out and he got like one of those neon cores light signs i was like bro what the fuck is this pretty cool great like i just don't understand

like you redid a whole like he read a unfinished basement did it all by himself, and then turned it into a shitty Irish bar. Love it. Love it. I'm just picturing him going to get a loan from the bank. They're like, so what are the plans for the basement? He's like, listen, I'm going to put in, I'll put up some drywall and this and that,

but what I'm really looking forward to is that neon Coors Light sign. And they're like, how much money do you want? Please, here. Take it. Do it. Send us pictures. This is going gonna pay for itself yeah invite us over for uh for some hangs some darts maybe in the basement with the boys it's just crazy like and then i don't know like it's also like how much do you hate your wife and family that you can't just watch tv in like a normal family living room yeah yeah but they're like oh she doesn't let me have the recliner and then i know yeah like man cave like also dude by the way like like lazy boys are

comfortable but god damn do they look so bad yeah true true i love the you posted a while ago of like if it wasn't trashy i'd have cup holders on my couch oh yeah i think about that all the time when laying on the couch and you have to like reach over to get your fucking drink and stuff. But I'm like, yeah, my dad was like, I was telling him about it. He was like, well, we could put in like an arm, like an adjustable arm right here on the wall. I'm like, no, dude.

He's like, why? It'd be great. I'm like, I know. But yeah, visually, that's pretty. Yeah. There's so many like same thing with like, like I would wear cargo pants. Yeah. If they were just like you can hold shit.

It's nice. It's like having a purse on your knees. Yeah. You got your keys, your phone. I would still wear those pants where they cut, like, you can unzip them into shorts. I always thought those looked stupid. At first, when I first heard about it, I was like, what a genius move. I know.

The things you give up to look cool. To get buzzed. I would have transition lenses. Dude, there would be so many things. Transition lenses. Transition pants. There you go. Transition genitalia.

Transition into some buzzed. Oh, no. I can't tell. I can't tell this. Yeah,'s a i can't tell this yeah anyway yeah you are working for the caitlin jenner campaign but yes please we'll talk about it later she's really running right oh yeah oh man if she wins that would be fucking amazing there's no way it's it's insane isn't crazy like what is wrong with california where a lot every time there's a uh a governor race it's just like brings out yeah porn stars washed up celebrity arnold schwarzenegger who won like twice who won and apparently wasn't terrible yeah he was like a republican he's like climate change is

real yeah all right he was like a just a sensible guy, it seemed like. Yeah. And then. Who cheated on his wife quite a bit. Oh, sure. Sure, sure, sure. But then you see the maid who's not hot at all. Listen, maybe they were in love. He just wants strange at that point. Maybe they were in love.

I think also that guy was probably fucking so much for decades. Decades. He's like, I'll take whatever. I don't care. Yeah, but you were dating. I know. But I i know i'm sure like you know every it doesn't matter how hot you are everything gets boring whatever yeah yeah and then yeah also what was he like in his 50s at that time too yeah yeah just had a connection i think

yeah they're in love you know they had a kid yeah yeah uh anyway so hit the road hit well hold on so karen's out of town. She was gone for a week. So I'm just like, not one of those dudes who's like, yes. I'm just like, fuck. I'm so bored. There's nothing to do. So I was just like, every night I was setting up shit to do.

Yeah. And our buddy Ramin was featuring for Sam Morrell, who I've never seen live. Yeah. And I think he's a great guy. I think he's like you know one of the best joke writers truly is like him and norman just crank him out yeah i would put morel a little ahead of norman in terms of just just uh turning over material yeah yeah just i mean but that's what everyone you're like he's a psycho when it comes to comedy yes all he does yep is right jokes all

he does when he like he's just always like asking people like is this like what do you think about this what do you think about that blah blah blah which is like even for a guy like norman who's insane about comedy yeah it's too much for him yeah jesus yeah if norman's like you gotta chill like norman's doing like seven sets a night like got a scooter so he could get to spots quicker and he's like this guy has a problem. Yeah, that's so true. So I go there at the draft house in Arlington. So I drive

an hour and a half on a show. I'm not even doing on a Wednesday night just because I'm like I don't want to be at home. I'll tell you what the fiance is away time to party pouring rain. Oh, hell yeah. I'm like, I don't want to be at home alone. I'll tell you what, the fiance is away. Time to party. Pouring rain. Oh, hell yeah.

Just fucking, I mean like, like, like, like hailing pouring rain. And you're just like, dudes rock the whole time. Like that rain where it's just like, are people throwing buckets of water at my car? What the fuck is happening? The type of rain where you have to turn the radio down. Yeah, yeah. I really got to focus here. Why is it? It does, I guess, maybe you need more attention.

Anyway. Yeah. So I go, first show, not great. The audience was so bad for the first show. Yeah. But then I see Ramin brings me in the green room and Sam's selling merch. It starts raining again. I mean, like, fucking hell is just pouring down on the earth.

Like a monsoon. Sam comes in. He's holding a laptop because I saw him going out with the laptop to do the meet and greet. And I was like, that's wild. Maybe he uses it to sell merch or people sign up on his email. Yeah. So he's like a huge Knicks fan. Yeah.

Knicks are in the playoffs for the first time in like ever right i at least two decades i think yeah i don't watch basketball at all but so he's watching the game while he's doing his meet and greet that's so funny so fun i mean he's like a little spectrumy that's that's obsession yeah yeah so then he comes in the green room and uh and i know he's like i from like talking to people i know he's curmudgeon-y yeah and i was like hey man sorry he's okay like i don't like i and he was like oh dude you're fine so we're yeah he's watching the game and then he does that thing where he you know kind of assumes that we all like sports so then i'm just pretending to give a shit

yeah and he is such an insane sports fan. You know people when they're watching a game and they're yelling and balling. He's that times a million. And to the point where it's not fun, it's scary. You got to make that fucking pass. His whole mood just fluctuates depending on how the game's going. He's punching the wall, literally. So you're hanging out with an angry stepdad.

Yes. Pretty much, yeah. And then it's pouring. Yeah. As they're seating the second show, power goes out twice. Lights come back on. Does the laptop die?

The laptop's okay? The laptop's fine. It's on whatever. Thank God. Otherwise the laptop's okay the laptop's fine it's on uh you know whatever thank god otherwise he's gonna hit your mom it did die because like when the internet went out but then we put up a hot spot whatever so you're like don't hit me or my mom i know dude it was crazy so then he's like he was pumped when the power went out he's like oh sweet let's cancel the show i can finish the game so then thank god and i'm just like god damn this is i've never met a guy and i was gonna leave because but i didn't want to drive home in this insane storm so i was like fuck it i'll stay for some of the second show yeah so then sam's like wait you do a guest spot he's like're going to delay the show by 15 minutes.

Ramin, you go up. Umar, you do 10. And then I'll go up. And then as the show gets closer, he's like, fuck it. Umar, you got to do 15, maybe 20. We'll see. I'll tell them when to light you. I love it that he's like, he doesn't even know your comedy.

He's like, listen, you're going to film a special. You're going to do 45 minutes. Yeah. Whatever it takes. Yeah. I'm watching this game. So he's like, Umar, you do 15 to 20. Ramin, you do 15.

We're delaying the show. Yeah. I'm going to finish this goddamn game. And he's like, also, man, these people are going to get a rough show if these Knicks lose. If they lose. Yeah. And I was like, man, I hope these Knicks fucking win, dude. Yeah.

Because the second somebody would like, not even heckle, but they'd be like, yeah, we'd be like, what the fuck did you say? Fucking crazy. So Ramin goes out. Ramin's on stage. Great crowd because he's like killing it. He sold. Dude, he did 11 sold out shows that week. That's Wednesday to Saturday.

He did shows. So what are we talking?. That's Wednesday to Saturday. He did shows. So what are we talking? So is that day to Saturday? Yeah. So what is that? Like three on Saturday, three on Friday. Yeah. And then two on.

So we're every other night. Wow. Wow. That's crazy. Crazy. Good for him. Crazy. Yeah. Is that because they're not at capacity's crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Good for him. Crazy. Yeah.

Is that because they're not at capacity yet? Yeah. Okay. But they increased capacity while he was there. But it's still not 100. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It was probably once they were at 175. Nice. And then it holds what? Like 300? I have no idea. Something like that. 250. But still, I mean, it's a good amount of people.

Yeah. And so he's... So Ramin goes up second show and he's murdering and i then in my head i'm like fuck it's gonna suck to follow him because ramin's a headliner he's a killer and he kills and um did he go up when the power was out no no no okay uh so he's murdering and now i'm in my head i'm like god damn it because i want to impress sam even though i know he's not really going to care at all.

But he knows that I work with Norman and blah, blah, blah. So he trusts that I'll be fine. I think that's why he gave me a guest spot. Yeah. And then so during Ramin's set, he had to tell these two women in the front row twice to stop. And he was very nice about it. And he was like, about it and he was

like hey please stop talking like hey guys yeah like let's reel it in we're having a show yeah twice then i'm on stage the i'm the whole time i'm on stage dude and it's going really well yeah but the whole time i'm on stage i can hear their conversation yeah front row two chicks, drunk as fuck, just yapping. I got the light. I got the light. So I didn't want them to interrupt Sam. Right. So I was just like, hey.

So I stopped. And looking back on it, I completely fucked up. I felt so bad. I sent the manager, Pete, an apology. And I sent Sam an apology, but he didn't give a shit. Yeah. Well, yeah, because the Knicks won.

The Knicks won, and they... Okay, so what happened was they're talking. Yeah. So before I was doing my last two jokes, I was like, hey, guys, remember that other bald brown man? You guys were doing that thing he told you to stop doing. Yeah.

And I just paused. I should have just went straight back into my jokes but i paused give her give them a second to give them a second to feel it yep to know that like you're ruining the show yeah uh mistake and so she was just like okay okay gets up and walks starts leaving should have went back to my jokes i fucked up again and i was like all right well she's doing the right thing guys give it up for her because it was just so uncomfortable yeah the room was like is she leaving what the fuck's going on because the energy just goes all the way down i didn't want people to hate her and i was like okay cool she knows she can't handle this so i'm like so everyone's clapping for her and as she's leaving she says slama lake and i was like oh that's racist that

got like that got like people are like what the fuck is happening yeah like now this is a whole other thing then she heard me say it's racist now she's in the middle of the aisle because it's like a movie theater set up yeah she's in the middle of the aisle yelling something like how is that racist i'm just saying blah blah blah and she's a black chick i think she's like a Caribbean or something just so i don't want people in their head to think it's like i was gonna say it's not like a middle-aged white lady yeah it's a it was a black and a white woman got she's some like she's a black chick now she's like yelling and then also i should have let it go i should ignored it because pete was the manager was talking to her trying to corral her out of there.

Yeah. You just, you're just probably like, yeah, I throw out a pretty mean line. I said, I was like, ah,

go get hit by a bus. And audience was like, Ooh, but I don't. And, and I, and then I go, fuck you guys.

She's ruining a show for you. Do not feel bad for her. Yeah. And she should get hit by a bus. Yeah. And I just think because she's so drunk and I'm just like stumble out. You're kind of basically saying get the fuck out. Yeah.

Get out of here. But again, lesson learned. Just when the staff is there, just let them handle it. Just talk to the crowd. Make them feel okay. Right. Also, if someone's leaving... Let them go.

Let them go. Don't throw a jab. But it is... It's just so tough. Because you want to... From my perspective, you don't want the audience to think someone else is in control or whatever. But yeah, I should have let it go. Well, also, yeah.

You want to say, I still got the vibe. Give it for her we're all having fun still she's getting out of here is what you're trying to do to be like okay you don't also don't want to wait for her to like exit the theater take forever so by the way like something i should have been off stage i don't know like two minutes after i started talking to her yeah because this is take this is from her getting up to now yelling that's like another two minutes right so then um i see that ramin is so now like pete's talk and then like the audience is yelling shit at her someone yelled out tase me bro uh that was like a meme or something and so then i see uh ramin that's filming ramin was filming just my set from backstage just already

that's nice and then uh i'm like oh i'm glad you're filming this ramin that gets like a huge laugh that breaks the tension applause breaks that's good because people are like all right yeah the vibe is weird but he knows it fuck it whatever i throw out a couple i'm like i'm gonna put this on you this is gonna be the most watched youtube video i've ever put out that gets a laugh and i'm like i'm not even the star of it that got a huge laugh then her friend when i said that her like her white friend who was sitting there she was like that's because you ain't shit you ain't shit and then gets up oh boy that's the name of your special right yeah you ain't shit you ain't shit and and then she gets up and starts walking down the aisle

holding her middle finger in the air as she's walking yeah and i'm i just start laughing i'm like what is happening that is pretty amazing and then and then i'm like ramin what do i do i tell a joke ramin comes out on stage we he like turns around with the camera now we're like doing a selfie video with the audience and it's cool like it's a fun moment. Now we're like doing a selfie video with the audience. And it's cool. Like it's a fun moment. Yeah. Yeah. Sam's like, what the fuck? Because like, oh, is he paying attention now?

Yeah. Because now what's going on? Why am I not on stage? Because now we're four minutes into this ordeal. Yeah. I should have been off stage. I do. I was on stage for almost 30 minutes.

Yeah. Because of all this bullshit. That's insane. Plus 25 minutes. Yeah. Plus the show starting late. Ramin doing his time. Yeah. On what should just be a two-man show. Right.

So Ramin was doing 20. Now I was supposed to do 15. I probably ended up doing 25. So after the show, Pete... Yeah. Hold on. I'll fast forward a little bit. After the show, Pete's like, dude, you were on stage for like 30, 25 minutes.

I was like, there's no way, dude, because you lit me. He's like, oh, sorry. I lit you way late. He's like, dude, you were on stage for like 30, 25 minutes. I was like, there's no way, dude, because you lit me. He's like, oh, sorry, I lit you way late. He's like, I got distracted. I was like, well, that's on you. Yeah, that's your fault. That's on you. So now go back. Ramin's like, all right, tell what?

And I was like, all right, I'm going to tell one more joke. We're going to get the fuck out of here. Applause break. Right after that, both the chicks come back into the room. We're four and a half minutes into this. And just start yelling chicks come back into the room. We're four and a half minutes into this. And just start yelling from the back of the room. And the crowd turns around like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, they hate that.

Get out of here. Yeah. It was insane. Dude. But my last joke murdered. Nice. And I got the fuck off stage. What did you do?

My ass dog, ass eating joke. Nice. And then, man man it was but hey look they weren't there to bother sam sam crush and then like afterwards like everyone was super cool about it yeah here's the best part after they did get hit by a bus after the show we're doing the meet and greet yeah and uh this the white chick comes back she's like crying and she's like okay she's being so nice now because now she needs something from us and she was like um and maybe i'm a mean person in this part of the story again but i did not feel bad for her

at all well she also said you ain't shit gave you the finger true that's true yeah so but i get it she was sticking up for her friend sure but uh and so she's like crying and she's like god can i borrow a phone charger blah blah blah and ramin like didn't at first recognize who it was but he still was being you know ramin's like a sweetheart yeah um and he was like yeah yeah well we'll see and i was like dude she's the chick sweetheart. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, we'll see. And I was like, dude, she's the chick who got kicked out. And I was like, Pete, she came back. What's she asking for?

A phone charger. Her phone died. I think she was trying to get home or something. Got it. Got it. She was crying over there. Crying, too. And had no mask.

And so I was like, oh, Pete, I think this is... And Pete's like, you got to go. And Ramin's like, yeah, but what if she can't get... I was like, fuck her Pete, I think this is and Pete's like, you got to go. And our means like, yeah, but what if she can't get? I was like, fuck her, dude. She's an adult. She made a horrible decision and she has to live with it. Yeah. Now she's got to figure out how to get home.

Like we should not reward bad behavior. Crazy. Just fuck her. She can get home. Who gives a fuck? I don't care. She's also drunk, too. So yeah, fuck her. She should be driving. Who gives a fuck? I don't care. She's also drunk, too. Yeah, fuck her.

So it's like she shouldn't be driving. But yeah, I don't know. I think she needed an Uber. Okay, okay. But again, hey, you fucked up. You got kicked out of a place. You were being terrible. They also sell chargers at 7-Eleven and stuff now, too.

There you go. Go to the Walgreens. Go get one. Yeah. But terrible. That's it. What an exit to be like, you you ain't shit and be like hey do you have a phone charger you remember me yeah i'm just kidding you actually are shit do you have oh so bad dude and uh and then i was like fuck sam's gonna like think i

i'm a hack i suck at comedy blah. And then so I apologized to him back. He was like, oh, dude, I'm not mad at all. I don't give a shit. But then afterwards, so I watched the video, and the Draft House won't let me release the video. And honestly, it makes me look bad. Yeah. But it's not terrible.

It is uncomfortable. Brown guy destroys brown lady. So I watched the video, and I was like i was like oh man i could have handled that way better so then i sent like sam an email but he didn't give a shit and then i sent also he's like bro i sold out 11 shows yeah yeah yeah and i sold sent pete an email nice of you to reach out though like i think the the gesture goes a long way it's like bro you thought your night you thought that was bad the next night like another drunk chick just like fucking heckled sam the whole show so i don't know like i think he might have posted video of that too i think really i saw well i saw him like dealing with some lady yeah at that show okay yeah like that weekend yeah so

it might be like uh i think what it is because the dc improv when they reopened and i did the weekend they said they've been having a lot of issues they're like people just like don't they don't remember how to act they don't know how to act yeah and also there's a part of them too that they just are excited as well because like sometimes heckling is doesn't come from a negative place it just is like yeah i'm a part of it i'm having fun it's like that's what happened the next. It's just like, yeah, I'm a part of it. I'm having fun. That's what happened the next night, apparently. And she was like, oh, I'm not supposed to do that.

And everyone was like, no. Stupid. What are you talking about? Have you never seen comedy or a performance ever? But here's the problem. Yeah. Is Sam will post videos all the time. Dealing with it. Dealing dealing with it so i think some

people see that and they think like oh yeah i'll help him out and yes now he's gonna get another more content i've had that before like yeah i really helped you out i'm like not really no i mean i don't mind dealing with yeah like yeah i had a at the periodic table i had a table of uh like older women that you could tell i was like here's our night to party yeah and they like were chirping about stuff but it was fine i was like listen here stepmoms and it was like messing with them and stuff but they also like lied about stuff they yelled out she's like i'm a realtor i'm like cool what's the most expensive house you ever sold she's like seven million or something and i was like what and then so after the show she's like

i i made that up that's not true i'm like why are you yelling fake shit out and why are you yelling at a job that most people don't respect i didn't want to say that because i had already like fucked with them enough yeah and they were kind of funny too where i was like oh we got a table of karens or something like that right and the woman's like what's a karen i was like a racist woman and one chick at the table she's like i hate racists okay she came back like i lied about that i am racist yeah i am a racist woman and one chick at the table she's like i hate racist okay she came like i lied about that i am racist yeah i am a racist i i don't hate it i like it a lot i support it uh yeah that dude that was a great show ramin and i did that yeah yeah this past week that dude yeah it's very very fun very hot show yeah yeah but that's uh yeah man at least it's kind of cool that you have

footage of it because it is like a like a sports game or something like that where you're like all right let's go over the game tape yeah you know like here's where you missed your man you're like here when you said that she should get hit by a bus yeah yeah yeah i did have one great line which i might put out and block everyone like who i don't want to see like the lady was walking out and i said uh oh it was right after when i was about to wrap up and they came back into the showroom to yell yeah then i said something like you guys ever get the feeling the wrong people died of covid and that got like a huge laugh yeah that's great yeah you sent me the video it was great i think you handled it really well,

but it's also, it's just in that moment too. You want them to get the fuck out of there. You want them to get out and you want to feel like in control. You don't want to be on stage and look like you're scared. You don't want to look like

someone got the better of you. Yeah. And then you don't want to be too mean trying to get it back. Yeah. And I think the first line, way too mean. Right.

And then also, yeah, whatever. But it wasn't that bad. Right. And then also, yeah, whatever. But it wasn't that bad. Yeah, it wasn't that bad. Yeah, it's fucking around. But then, speaking of Virginia Beach, so I go, first thing I get in the green room, Mark's like, oh, I heard about the whole, Sam told me about the whole thing. I was like, fuck.

And he's like, oh, he wasn't mad, and I talked you up. Oh, that's cool. But you never know what he, you know, he could be, he's a lot. Sure, sure, sure. Be like, look, he sucks, but he's fine yeah yeah he's like yeah yeah it's that is so funny that's the comic brain too where like comedians like yeah i said good things like no way yeah yeah and i was like dude he told he's like yeah he was like oh he's not mad and sam was even like ah he was like overreacting he didn't need to like apologize or anything yeah but uh he was like yeah i heard about that whole ordeal and i was like oh that sucks it's also something for sam too where

it's like for you that's like a blip like if something happened to you at work right you know what i mean like that's just his job and he's like yeah here's like an interesting thing that happened but it's true not a make or break thing i i don't think he was no no about you a lot i just didn't want him to think like i'm problematic or anything you know or like that's how i do shows you're like yeah yeah but fuck everyone real tony hinge clip over here but so yeah but virginia beach was great i had to my aunt uncle live there and i'm hosting so when you're you don't make i mean like 250 you know and it's what like a five hour drive yeah so to get there because i left during the i left like um during the weekday i left it yeah i was like it took five hours because it started pouring sure and um but yeah the drive sucked but

i got there i have to stay with my aunt uncle which they're very nice, but it just always is tough because as soon as I get there, they're talking to me like we're eating and we're talking about – they're like, oh, yeah, I love watching Fluffy. Gabriel Iglesias. Yeah, Gabriel Iglesias is like this fat Hispanic. I think he's a clean comedy. I think he's pretty clean. A lot of his stuff is like –

I like food. So hack. Yeah. he's a clean comedy. I think he's pretty clean. A lot of his stuff is like food. So hack. Yeah, it's just horrible. It's like a fat Dane cook almost, but like a Hispanic Dane cook. Yeah. And I'm just like, oh God. You know, also like I invited them to like, yeah, you guys can come to a show and they're like

no, we're good. But for the best good on them. Yeah. And but yeah, every show is good. That club is amazing. Good on them. Yeah. But yeah, every show was good. That club is amazing. Just so fun. Nothing crazy really happened. It was just like a great weekend.

Great hangs. Yeah, just solid shows. Yeah, solid shows. Super fun. It was really fun. That's great, man. I love that. Yeah.

I did the Stoop storytelling oh yeah that was really cool like i love these outdoor shows so this one was in the back like there's like a field slash like small like little park with like trails and stuff in mount washington here in baltimore uh in the back and it was like this big field i think there there was like 150 people there. $20 tickets. Huh? Yeah.

$20 tickets, 150 people. How much money did you make? In gift cards. Okay. I made, I think I made like close to $100 in gift cards or something. So they gave gift cards to like Roots Grocery Store, which has some good stuff. Yeah. $40 to mend to get some acupuncture. Okay. Because I'm so stressed has some good stuff. Yeah. Forty dollars to mend to get some acupuncture.

Okay. I'm so stressed about not getting paid. Yeah. It was like right down the street. No, I get it. I get it. So I got to

I got to see some people haven't seen a while. I hadn't seen Jess Hankin, who's one of the people that runs the show. So it's cool to hang out with her. I brought Mary

and so that was fun to see a good show. And then Thomas Dottstree is back in Baltimore from the Baltimore Improv Group. Remember him, Thomas? Black guy? Oh, very funny. Very funny. So he's now the head of the Baltimore Improv Group,

which is great. Oh, they brought in a black guy to replace the supposedly racist white guy yep yep and thomas just is one of the like he's very fun improvisers smart dude so he was in the navy he retired it's so funny to be like retire from working on a nuclear submarine and be like and now i'm gonna get back to the make-em-ups the little yes hands but uh no it was it was really cool to see him. So he told a story. There was a guy on the show that was telling a story as well. He, older dude, he's like in his 70s.

And he was talking about having to like pare down his story. So the whole story or the whole like the whole theme, yeah, was supposed to be reemergence. And so it's like you're reemerging from COVID and blah blah blah and then you got the tie-in with the the cicadas and all that um got a nice tote bag too with cicadas all right uh cool cool uh so i can put all my bucks i can put all my not money in it there you go we should clip this and put this out at jazz yeah i had a good time it was uh oh but older dude and he was like yeah i mean my story think about it as i'm 75 years old my story begins when i was nine so it's tough to pare that down to seven minutes and i'm like all right yeah but he owns

the only jazz club in bal. Harbor East. Harbor East. I heard it's not doing great. He was like, we managed to stay open during COVID. And I was like, hey, good for you. So it was funny that he was like a Fred Armisen character. Yeah. Because he just kept naming musicians that I had no idea. He's like, well, yeah, we got Dizzy Tablesaw coming in on Friday.

That's sold out. We also got Carlos Rutabaga. And he's, wow, he's like well yeah we got a we got dizzy table saw coming in on friday that's sold out we also got carlos rutabaga and he's wow he's incredible and you're like carlos i wonder why you're not doing well oh he said they're sold out okay anyways uh it was and then i was like oh i've met this dude before because i did stand up at that place once and so we were talking about comedy and he's like yeah i had a i when i was in san francisco that's where i had my original jazz club and i knew that because um i got to i did that show or did his venue once when uh they're trying to do comedy but it wasn't promoted at. It was like literally they had a jazz show. And then afterwards, like there were no flyers. They were like jazz duo, then comedy.

Like the jazz duo ended and then people went to get up from their tables. And like, oh, actually, I had to tell the manager to be like, can you go up there and say there's going to be comedy? Because he was like, when they're done, you guys just go up there and do your thing. It's like, no, no, no. You got gotta like set the table here it's a fucking jazz club too also i can't think of a environment following jazz might be one of like the worst genres of music to follow for a comedy show and i think it was like a tuesday or wednesday and it was like just very chill there may be like 15 people jazz like just very chill. There were maybe like 15 people there. Jazz is like very chill, very like...

I feel like the people who go see jazz are probably not the best comedy audiences, especially if they don't know comedy is going to happen. Yeah. It ended up being fine. It was just a lot of crowd work. There was like a family that was on vacation, so I talked to them.

There was somebody by themselves that they make meat or something. And I think the one kid like loves medieval culture. And I was like, you two should fuck. I don't know. Like joking around. But anyway,

so the guy was just so funny that the, they're like, yeah, we wanted to at the show. The manager was like, yeah. So the owner, blah,

blah. He used to have a spot in San Francisco. They actually called the keystone in the 70s and there's so much jazz and art and comedy happening that you know he would have comedians come in and had people like robin williams in there all the time so that's what he's trying to do here i'm like yeah that's gonna go great here in baltimore sure the next robin williams like i'm just up there just like hey yeah yeah like what the fuck is this so i don't know if they've done comedy again but uh it was funny running into that guy um

and then yeah told my story it was uh like i talked about um like just my my covet experience and then my dad getting sick and talking about that and nearly cried on stage as you get like an applause i did they're like you fucking pussy yeah yeah there were a lot of a lot of older white uh people that had had tote bags already a very public uh radio yeah npr very yes big npr crowd but that's also like the vibe of the show authenticity yeah storytelling is a very um yeah i yeah like kind of like older you know like very like educated white people yes yeah yeah yeah there were there were a little bit of a mix but not not too much but. But it was just really cool because as I was going up, the sun was going down. Yeah.

It was cool to tell the story. And then, of course, I peppered in jokes and stuff like that. I'm like, I'm not going to do a fully serious thing. It's so easy to kill in those environments, too. You add a couple little jokes to break the tension a little bit. Yeah, it was great. I had a fucking blast. It was so fun.

That's great. But then it is weird, is weird too to be like was that all right because it's not like laughs the entire time but no laughs and you don't get the rehearse so you don't have it you know crying too and then being like was that all right mary was like it was great yeah yeah yeah did you film it yeah oh that's great yeah yeah so i i got it and then uh yeah it's out as a podcast now cool i think you can get it on their website but yeah it was great man it was like a beautiful little baltimore day yeah cool loved it and then other than that i haven't had too much i did periodic table that was fun supposed to do the dc show that got canceled um so yeah yeah it's funny because like uh i've done those storytelling shows

and every time like and jess is very nice yeah making any what i'm not but it's just so fun because like so they asked me to do that show also and i couldn't do it and yeah because uh why couldn't i do it oh because i was supposed to be out of town that weekend or no i was supposed to like do something but then i got booked in virginia so it wouldn't work that anyway right but yeah jess hit me up and she's like yeah like this is the theme and maybe i thought you could talk about like being an immigrant and having parents you can't relate to and your anxiety and like but it's always funny because you're like okay well i'm definitely diversity on this show that's one two and then it's always like like npr people love hearing non-white people talk about their non-white experience in america the tough immigrant tale yeah yeah it's just like like oh yeah but like

growing up i never thought of my i'm like i'm a fucking fucking brown dude in a white world. And I'm so embarrassed that my parents and their food smells weird. And everyone's so different. And you're just like, I don't know. I just grew up. I was like, yeah, I just want to get laid. That's most of my thought process. Young Omar was like, I got to get a FUBU t-shirt.

Yep. Yeah. And that's going to get me laid. Yeah. I think a lot of that shit like when you're older and people then you know when like hassan minaj like i don't know if he was growing up the whole time like just thinking about yeah you know like man my immigrant experience but you know when you look back on your life you can reflect and put this like

narration on it well yeah and you kind of like oh this is you can reflect and put this narration on it. Yeah. And you kind of like, oh, this is... You get a little space from it and be like, well, it was different. Yeah. But I think you're growing up and you're just... Everyone's figuring out life. So I just feel very uncomfortable being that person saying like, yeah, blah blah blah like it was tough and i'm like

i had a great childhood i didn't really think about being brown much ever at all and when you look back on it sure maybe there's some things that are weird and yeah that were uncomfortable it's also like everybody's shit is weird everyone's shit is weird in perspective like nobody feels like they fit in either you know like it's very rare that somebody's like i was the fucking man the whole time and it was great yeah well those people are like alcoholics you know those people like peaked and they're like in high school yeah i had one of those friends and i'm just like goddamn buddy you gotta oh yeah we quit drinking and grow the fuck up ish yeah ish but yeah it was uh it was uh yeah it was interesting like uh i hearing people's stories which was cool like hearing thomas talk about like being on a fucking nuclear sub and

that's oh wow and uh the person after me though like i nearly cried like i'm like because yeah i was scared that my dad was gonna die and he thought he was gonna die too and all this stuff and then she's like the next story is like we lost our dog yeah all right and then she was crying she ended up finding her dog it was a very sweet story but yeah it was oh i thought the dog passed away no no no like like it went like sorry like took off and like was was lost not as in like that past that's another thing too like with these storytelling shows is you know some stories are very heavy and um so and also like some story some stories are just so unique such a crazy experience and then you have someone who's like well i was at the grocery store and you're just like because i went the last story stoop storytelling i went to do this guy was one of the lost boys of sudan jesus bro this guy fuck it and now he's like a professor a phd he's super like his story he's just a 13 year old child running through the woods

for months yeah another country while being chased by soldiers you're just like he's like when i first heard the word genocide i was seven and then the next person's like work has been interesting lately yeah yeah i'm like the pam at my job and it's just like they put this guy in the middle i'm like that's the closer closer motherfucker he's a closer what are you doing who's gonna fuck some dumb bitch who lives in Hamden is going to follow this dude? Yeah. Are you out of your fucking mind? No, that's the closer.

God damn. If you survived genocide and you're on a storyteller show, congrats. You're the headliner. God. It was unreal. And then it's funny, too, to be like, great story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of my family's dead, too, to be like, great story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Most of my family's dead are like, what a story. So funny. I was like, what the fuck? And then he was like, okay, now. I mean, at least I think they took an intermission after him. Yeah. But goddamn, I was like, this is nuts. There was a woman that was a doctor.

She's a pediatrician. So she told a story about what it was like to be a doctor during covid um she was funny though because um after the show like we were all kind of talking and uh for those who don't know i think everybody pretty much knows but my dad had to have a big part of his colon removed and like we thought it was going to be cancer turns out it wasn't thank god he's doing better now but so i was going through like that whole story and um part of it i was saying like was like but now all my dad talks about his poops he like talks about it the way people talked about bread at the beginning of uh quarantine of like making bread where he's just like yeah i don't know if i'm happy with this one i did something this morning yeah a little wet wetter than i would like and so i was like talking about that and then uh after the show she's like great story and you know it really is like being a doctor it really

so much of health really does come down to are you pooping she's like how are your boobs she's like it's funny it was it was like this like 40 year old woman she's like if you're having good poops you're probably pretty healthy yeah that's like so funny it's true uh oh man that yeah that's funny because like karen talks about her like so like always like ah it was loose or this i'm like jesus christ like today she almost shit her pants it was hilarious we were like that must have been good coffee yeah at a certain point she thought she was gonna have to shit in our alley it was crazy like she had to shit so bad like uh and i smacked i didn't know like i don't know how dire the situation was so we're walking cob we've walked to get bagels uh-huh

and so we it was like you know it's probably a good like 30 45 minute walk where'd you go uh we were gonna go to this new coffee shop but karen was like super hot we fucking partied last night we had a great time nice uh just like those nights we're like we're out drinking we hit up multiple spots yep run into friends like haphazardly we're like let's just get drinks and we ended up getting like drink you know we yeah dude i as yeah i love that shit like having an open day too we did a little bit like day drinking yesterday which was nice we don't be like wasted oh yeah same i had like we went to that new wine place or not that new but it's like over in the union collective yeah and then cool then max is opening a cocktail room yeah spirits company and so we hit that up and did that and then like walked around a little bit went back to Mary's and Nolan lives like right down the street and he was on his stoop yeah they're having stoop beers yeah and so we were he was like you guys want to hang out so we like had a couple beer or like had a beer we had to roll because uh we were tired but it was it was i love that shit where you can like

bounce around and like yeah that's why i like city living i'm like yeah this is tight yes but uh oh yeah so anyways yeah woke up hungover got some bagels at rolling park bagels best bagel in town let's go yeah and oh a hundred percent so we're walking down the street and she's like fuck i gotta shit this is bad and i'm like all right let's go we'll hurry up and we got cob and cob like just slows you down like he'll turn 20 minute walk into 40 minutes because he wants to smell and stop blah blah but i'm just like right him we're going yeah i didn't know how bad it was and i like at one point like i smacked her on the ass just to be funny and it like dude she fucking hit me for real it was so funny like punched you not punch me but she was just like don't what are you and i was

like oh my god i didn't know i'm sorry she's like sorry i'm just like not trying to shit my pants if i god can you imagine if you smacked her ass and she just immediately shit herself? I know. If I saw that, I think I would piss myself laughing. Yeah. It's like, oh, my God. Because I think she was like tight. And then when you do that, you like, yeah, fucks up your muscle. It's also just like a shock to the system. Yeah.

Like she's like, yeah, I was not braced for that. Yeah. So she like, oh, man, it was brutal. Smacked her ass. So aren't you shit of pants? And then she was like, man, I couldn smacked her ass so hard she shit her pants and then she was like man i couldn't god could you imagine if you just pull your pants down to shit in an alley no yeah no no i was like at that point you just got to shit your pants because you don't want your neighbors but then it runs on your legs and it runs out of shoes have you

shit your pants uh it's been a long time yeah i was a child oh all right i don't know if that counts uh yeah like as an adult no no okay i've only i've only done it one well technically twice but it was from the same food poisoning yeah i sharted and then i've done that okay yeah i haven't like unloaded actually i kind of it was funny it was like it was when i was going through my breakup with amanda so like i uh I've told the story a bunch. So I'll just be quick with it. Like I but it's been a long time. Okay, you can do it.

All right. So I was doing a show in DC and I was going straight from work to do the show. So that would be like my normal thing is I'd work to like 6 p.m. Bring a change of clothes, go to DC, do the show like usually because you have an eight o'clock show up there around like 7 p.m. Bring a change of clothes, go to D.C., do the show. Like usually, because you have an 8 o'clock show, get there around like 7.30, whatever. And as I'm driving down,

like my stomach starts to feel a little weird. But I was just like, ah, like same thing. Like maybe I just have to shit, whatever it is, or just like some indigestion.

And it has me go through 16th Street, like the back way, kind of like through Silver Spring, the back way into D.C. A lot of lights. A lot of lights, a lot of nice neighborhoods. And then I brought my lunch that day. So I had like a Tupperware that I had pasta in. And as I'm at the lights and all this stuff, and it's so weird, like your brain, when you have to like shit or throw up, like, cause you're doing that dance with yourself, kind of bargaining of like, nah, it's going to pass.

I might just have to burp. And then it's like, you're going to fucking vomit right now. Yeah. So I just grabbed the Tupperware while I'm like driving, I think, and just vomit into the Tupperware, but it still smells like spaghetti. And that's gross. Like the Tupperware smells like, and I'm vomiting in this thing. And I'm like, it's like an ugly vomit where like my eyes are like tearing too.

And like my stomach's really tight. And I'm like, Jesus Christ. And then I was like, yeah. Then, you know, like kind of after you throw up. Yeah, you feel way better. You feel a little better. I'm like, maybe I just ate something weird and had to get it out of me. And now I'm good.

So I just pull off into like this rich neighborhood neighborhood toss out the vomit in my tupperware like in the street head back on my way uh which must have been a very funny visual yeah i saw that uh so and then i'm feeling a little better and then it's it's starting to get like worse again i was like yeah damn it and the show i was doing is on U Street in D.C., which is like busy, busy and like primetime, like a piece of clubs and bars. And yeah, go for it. I here. I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you.

And he's back. Umar just vomited out of his dick. Yeah. So then yeah, the shows on you street at this bar and it's always crazy packed and I was like, dude, I do not feel good. It's like I was like if there if there isn't parking directly in front of this fucking bar, I'm out of here. Oh, wow.

And so that was like the bargain I made with myself of just like if there's not a spot i'm just gonna text and be like i don't feel well if i would have puked i would have just turned around i was already in dc and i was like starting to feel a little better and then like as you get closer and then like i don't know i didn't want to feel like a dick and bail on the show and of course nobody would have fucking cared yeah uh but i'm like all, if there's not a spot, I'm out of here. There's magically just a spot on U Street right in front of this place. Insane. God damn.

Which would never happen. Never happened. So I park and I go in and I think Pete Bergen, like I told him, I was like, dude, I don't feel good. I like threw up on the way down here. And it's like some weird bar that's like run by russians or something like that and then like on the tv screens it's like this weird russian like dance music and stuff and the whole vibe is a little weird they have like three liter soda bottles from like food line or something out and like all of it's just kind of feeling gross and he was like hey man just

like yeah it's like take a second and uh because i think it was like you know some ginger ale and i was like why the fuck do they have this and uh it's so weird to have at a bar anyway uh i was like i don't know maybe i just need to go to the bathroom and i'm like bathroom back this way and then i go no toilet seat on this fucking toilet and i'm like i can't shit here i can't throw this is and i was like guys i got a bail and they're like yeah please go and so i i pull out and now it's like i don't know around like eight and so there's just tons of people everywhere and i have to like stop at all these stop signs and then i get sick again and i'm Oh, this time in like my lunch bag and I'm just vomiting and people see it too. And I'm like, like again, like tearing up like they think you're like drunk and yeah,

I don't want to block the box. You go ahead. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And then like I finally like just get out of DC and because I'm so tired of like the lights stopping here, this thing, this thing like I just want to get on fucking 95 and go back to baltimore um and i think i had never had food poisoning like this before either so i didn't know how long it was gonna last i thought i was like all right i puked a couple times fuck it i'm gonna be all right yeah finally get on 95 and then like i felt a little pressure in my stomach and i was like oh maybe i just have to fart like i'd feel so much better go to fart never sharted before just shart and i'm 45 minutes away from baltimore so i have to just

sit in my shit and then yeah came back and like it felt like what i imagine detoxing from heroin it's like so i was like so fucking cold and then i was shitting and vomiting at the same time and Amanda and I were going through a breakup and like it was that thing where it's like you're broken up you're still living with each other and uh she came home super late and I was like it's whatever I'm like dying and the next morning um I was starting to feel better like I slept it off my stomach still felt like a little queasy when I was on the couch and she came down. It's like,

are you feeling better? It's like, yeah, I think so. And I went to fart and like just water came out of my ass on the couch. And so we're also talking about like divvying stuff up and I'm like, well, I'll keep the couch.

Cause I just ruined it. Oh my fucking God. That's insane. It was so weird. It's so weird to not be able to trust your butthole because you're like, it just feels like a fart. And they're like, nah. And it was like this weird, like green liquid. It was insane.

God. It was insane. That's insane. Yeah. So, yeah. Never. I've never been like, I've never felt like I had to like shit outside or anything. Yeah. That'd be a nightmare. The wiping scenario would really get me crazy. I had to shit outside or anything. To me, that would be a nightmare.

The wiping scenario would really get me. Crazy. I would not like that. Not like that one bit. Damn, dude. But she made it to the house, Karen. She didn't shit. She made it to the house, didn't shit, and dude, she fucking stunk it up.

It was insane. She's going to hate. Well, she doesn't listen. She'll never know. Yeah, she'll never hear this. She'll never hear this. It's insane. She's going to hate. Well, she doesn't listen. She'll never know. Yeah, she'll never hear this. She'll never hear this. It's fine. It's fine.

Yeah. What are we good? We're about 51, which is fine. I mean, can we fill 10 minutes? I think we can fill 10 minutes. Do I have anything else? I don't know if I have anything else. Oh, I do.

Shit. I totally have another good show story. Hold on real quick. I do want to say before we, another good show story. So hold on real quick. I do want to say before we, this will tease it. My band Tremendous Athlete put out a new EP called Water Signs and it's available everywhere. Yeah, check it out. So go check that out. And I think I'll, yeah, very heavy.

Some rhythmic stuff in there. But yeah, check that out and i think i'll uh yeah very heavy so some rhythmic stuff in there um but uh yeah check that out and i think i'm gonna make that the intro music too for this episode which song what the i'll probably do american life i think that'll be the best little intro there uh but yeah please check that out ira glass um okay so i did a show i got got this New York comic who I met through Norman. This guy, Ian Laura, very funny. Um, he was doing a show in Glen Burnie, Maryland. Everybody. That's where all the good shows are.

He hit me up and he's like, is this near your house? I was like, yeah, it's like 20 minutes away. He's like, you want to feature? I was like, he's like, I don't know how much it pays. It's probably going to be a shit show, but fuck it. And I was like, yeah, let's do it. So I look up the place. I've never, he's like, I don't know how much it pays. It's probably going to be a shit show, but fuck it. And I was like, yeah, let's do it. So I look up the place. I've never, he's like, you've ever heard of this place?

Never heard of it. Is it a venue? Like, what is it? It's called the Grand Ballroom. I look it up. It's an event space. Like, they do weddings there. Sometimes they make it like a lounge, you know, and have like people come drink, hang out.

Right, right, out yeah you can do like some birthday party it's a black space it's black owned and i looked at it and i looked at and then i comedy's still very segregated this is so yeah i got a little nervous i saw the black show posters way different they're one of a kind one of a kind they any they always look like an event like it's like a huge they like picture like a poster you'd see for like a new year's eve yeah or like a rave yes something like that and then it's always the names are always wild too or it's like flex the comedian yeah like who are these people so the oh this is also funny so the one of the uh the person who booked it she asked me for a headshot

and i was like i don't have headshots since i've been bald yeah and i was like i can give you an old one or you can have like really nice you know like like live live like professionally done live yeah photos yeah so uh like the other two people have like really like whatever they have like nice headshots and then it's just me holding a microphone and it was a it was a photo that was taken while i did this outdoor show, Soul Joels, 20 degree weather. So I'm wearing a hoodie and a winter coat in the shot. Perfect for a

summertime show. And then the microphone's covering up half my face. Right. Anyway, so then, but the show, like the poster looks crazy colors. The host, I've never heard of him. I looked him up. He's probably never going to to either horrible hack just terrible host no jokes but fucking like in his videos like he's murdering with like crowd work and also you know it's a black show so like he's gonna connect with that

audience way more than i am and i'm like this guy's gonna fucking bury me right and so i was like fuck so uh i remember i texted ian i was like dude that show poster scares me he's like me too bro he's like but i said it was gonna be a shit show i was like i know yeah yeah yeah so i show up and uh it's glenn bernie is like so weird it's uh you know it's just like this dying suburb and there are really nice parts i guess or like it's in anarondo county but there are like i guess nicer parts of anarondo county but bernie is like a truck stop yeah it's trash yeah it doesn't doesn't have a great reputation um if you meet anybody from glenn bernie take a take a step back so i go the show is like it's mean, honestly, the setup wasn't terrible.

It just wasn't my, you know. Yeah. It just looked very flashy, formal, like almost like at a wedding reception setup. Yeah. But they'd set up the stage in the middle, had tables all around. So, hey, you can't ask for more. Right. Then I'm talking to the host and he's like very nice

but he's just saying wild shit that i just know are lies yeah he's like yeah man every time dl hugley comes through you know i'm always with them um uh he told me in the headliner he was like yeah man i met this guy for summer he just got money he likes to throw around and i did a show down in flor, 20 minutes, five grand. He paid me $5 million. He was like, yeah, and I was opening it up for, man, I can't even remember, some huge comic that long. No, there's no way you made five grand doing 20 minutes.

Yeah, yeah. And so then he goes up stage. I swear to God, I'm Elon Musk's favorite comic. He has me down all the time. He goes on stage, no jokes, just free association, just bombing, bombing. You would get some laughs every now and then, but just the second show, dude, he goes up. Oh, you did two? We did two shows. We did a 7.30 and a 10.30, bro.

Oh, and by the way, so after the show, the host brings up like they just start playing music because there's always a DJ at black shows. He brings up mute. He does. They put on music and he just has audience members come up and dance on stage and the DJ with that DJ Hughley. Thank you. Thank you.

That probably got that was probably the most fun. The audience had when people were dancing because one white when the white chick got up on stage they went in crazy yeah here we go anyway so like the first show was okay there's probably like 80 people there yeah and uh pretty good it was still tough because they're all talking so much and then they're laughing in pockets. And I'm doing 25 minutes. Yeah. And I'm just like... And dude, it was so crazy because the way I do comedy is probably not what they want. And they just thought I was like... A lot of my jokes were too mean.

Even ones that weren't. But the jokes that normally won't do as well in a mainstream room... Yeah. Killed. They wanted corny, easy jokes. Yeah, like down the middle, obvious. Yes. Men and women are different.

Yeah. But it was tough because I felt like I wasn't getting much response. It's also really high ceiling. So I kind of got to break this habit. But I kept doing that thing of like I was attacking them too much. It worked a couple of times. But I think I did because I got on stage and the headliner was like, dude, you were doing great. He's like, they liked you.

He's like, but you were like yelling at them too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like. It's something you can do a couple of times. When you do it after a while, it's like, you were like yelling at them too much yeah yeah yeah and i was like something you can do a couple times when you do it after a while it's like all right all right well like i'm in a black i'm doing a black show and i did my spanking joke just to fill time because i was like all right this you know this is something yeah that maybe they'll like yeah but it's like um the whole joke is like i'm anti spanking kids oh they're so pro um traditionally black people are pro spanking kids so i do the thing where i pull the audience

like three people clap for against spanking yeah the whole audience went crazy when i said for spanking and then so then you know i asked them why like because they gotta get their ass beat and i'm like okay but like isn't there a better way to do it? And then I go into the joke. They're like, I'm going to beat your ass. I go into the joke while I'm anti-spanking. And I just hear this lady go like, well, you know, my son turned out fine. I'm like, okay, I'm not judging anyone.

I literally said, I'm just telling jokes, lady. I'm not judging. And she's like, I don't care. I was like, well, clearly you do. And I said that. I was like, clearly you do because you said something. And that was very uncomfortable. And then I told another joke.

And they got a little uptight. I was like, guys, you guys just were cheering about, gleefully cheering about beating the shit out of your kids. Like, you're not good people. And I got a big laugh. But, like, it was just rough. But, like, it was one of those things where, like, afterwards everyone's like, you guys are so funny, blah,

blah, blah. Yeah. Taking pictures. We got follows. Nice. And then the second show, 12 people in a room that could probably hold 350. Sure. The host was on stage for 20 minutes, just sitting on the stool, talking, doing no jokes.

Just no jokes. It was really setting the show up nice too because like he had never heard of bumble so this couple he's like where'd you guys meet and they're like bumble he's like what the fuck he's like he's like you've heard it like he's just like like a b like a bumble b he literally said he literally like i heard about bumble b wait so y'all got hooked up through a b and the headliner's like this motherfucker's never heard of bumble i know and then he asked this lady what she did she says she's an au pair and he had no idea what that was either i'm just like what the fuck am i doing with my life a pair shaped like an o dude and i just went up i took

a fucking l i mean just for 20 minutes and i did that thing where i was like because i was really because i do have to break that habit. So I was really just, I sat in it. And I was just like, I told my jokes to near silence for 25 minutes. And well, like sometimes like I would just hear like this one lady in the front. Like, you know, I don't know. Like, I guess I was being too mean or whatever. Like, I don't know. I don I guess I was being too mean or whatever. Like, I don't know.

I don't think my act is that mean. I think I definitely have some mean-spirited jokes. But overall, like, I make fun of myself and my relationship. And I talk about working with the kids that I work with. And it's not, like, crazy mean. I have a couple of jokes. But, like, I guess a lot of my jokes are very like man i don't even know but i think i think you have some throwaway lines at the end as like

tag sometimes we're like well fuck that guy you know like stuff like that that i think people can be like whoa um and yeah it's not over you're like you know who i fucking hate yeah yeah and so uh i would just kept hearing this people go like after every joke on this like no laughs just that and it's the judgment i told my story about doing the black room like and that that did pretty well yeah like what that audience was and also being like hey this i've done this before yeah but what like fuck it like i never i just sat in it. But what? Like, fuck it. I never... I just sat in it. And I was like, this sucks. Fuck it.

I put a timer on my phone. Yeah. And I was like, I'm going to do exactly 25 minutes and get the fuck off this stage. Yeah. And so then... And also, by the time you got on stage, it was what? It was like 11 something. Yeah.

And so then I get off stage and the headliner's like, hey, man, how was... He's like, well, did you like him? And I was like, honestly, bro, I fucking hated it. And he was like, God damn it. Because he knew. He's like what did you like him and i was like honestly bro i fucking hated it and he was like god damn it because he knew he's like if you bomb i'm gonna bomb because like we're very like he just stands there and tells jokes also you know also just the energy in the room is yeah there's what would you say like 12 people literally 12 people yeah in a room that holds 300 like that's that's an uphill battle with any audience like so um the host is like doing time in between so the headlight because i was gonna stay because i didn't want to be rude yeah and he was

like you're getting out of here i was like if you don't care he's like i don't give a shit i was like peace i didn't say bye to anyone i just got the fuck out of there yeah and then i hit up the headliner when i got home i was like how'd it go for you? He was like, dude, not my best. He was like, I got two laughs off crowd work, and the rest was silence. He did 45 minutes. Imagine having to sit in that. Yeah, and that's... Because I've had that too, where people are just like,

and you're like, ugh. And that's what... Yeah, man. And he told me, he was like, yeah. He was like, I didn't even say bye to the host. The host was like... He was like, dude, the host is probably on stage for 10 minutes. He was like, I got off stage and I got the fuck out of there too.

Jesus. Because the host went back up, you know, just doing more crowd work and the dancing stuff. Yeah. And like, no disrespect to him. If you hear... Like, I would feel bad if he heard this, but like... Yeah. He didn't do jokes.

He didn't do his job. He didn't even take anyone's credits. He didn't even ask us our last names. He would just bring us up to our first names. Give it up for Uma. That's not how you host a show. I think it's kind of like as per someone who does host is good at it and worked really hard to like yeah yeah fuck like

it's insane it's like so crazy when you do a show and you're just like dude you yeah like you're ruining this show yeah you're kind of set up to fail yeah yeah that sucks crazy but uh god damn it was a tough night yeah i thought you just had the one show i'm like two shows that is but that's what's so tough about cop like yeah the craziest thing about comedy is like dude like and i've been very spoiled this last year of like just getting to do killer shows killer comics mostly clubs yeah and like even that show wednesday we did in that bar periodic table like dude me and ramin i fucking leveled that room i mean yeah like i murdered murdered that room yeah and and so did ramin and and then you do that and then i was just in virginia beach with one of

the hottest comics fucking also every show we everyone killed like everyone sold out shows sold out there to see this guy yeah and then you do fucking this and you're like oh maybe i'm not that good but that's also just what comedy is that's the wild thing about is you can do you can do the sold out club show and be like oh this is it i'm killing like this is what comedy is and it's funny because you know those shitty shows and it puts it in perspective be like yeah i did the shitty ones but there's also this and then you do the shitty one you're like maybe it's only this maybe it's mostly this yeah and that's another thing too with like being a headlight oh man i'll tell this story on the next podcast but yeah yeah i think like that's another thing with like comedy it's like if you don't you can get funny to a point

where you can do those kind of rooms yeah but it's like is that how you want to live your life i don't know it's a terrible way to live it's also a different set of of muscles too where it's like if you want to be in shape to do that sport sure but like yeah you can be the the king of shit mountain but is that how you want to make your living i don't think so especially as you get older like jesus and that's another thing too like you learn to the more you do comedy and especially it depends like who you're working with yeah you know like and not to brag but like that first show if i wanted to yeah i could have murdered that show with not jokes but just fucking with the crowd and being insane and stupid. Yeah.

But then you're, one, you're not helping yourself. You're not building an act. You're not doing your jokes. And then two, like, people won't want to work with you. Like, that guy would. That wouldn't help the headline. The whole reason he brought me is because he has, he's like, dude, I do shows like this all the time.

And, like, when they told me, like, I could bring someone, I was like, oh, I'll just book Umar because he does jokes. Yeah jokes yeah and he's like i just don't want to have two hacks in front of me who aren't doing jokes yeah and then that's always it is yeah this is like inside baseball-y stuff but yeah if you have a host doing a lot of crowd work now the crowd is kind of trained on that and then also there's not a lot of meat left on the bone for for the headliner where it's like everybody's been talked to already there's already like there's nothing to discover anymore which makes it which is the fun part of it but like and yeah there's another part of me too where it's like i just remember being like because like the headliner was saying like eat like you know like he like i flip my set blah

blah blah which is cool and that's cool that you have that skill but i'm kind of like dude i just know this set is good yeah like it's good and i'm like i don't want to change it i don't want to change it i like these jokes i think they're really good or not really good i think some are but it all it all works it all works together some need more work still yeah but i'm just like and i get that's part of comedy but like god dude i don't know it's fucking just tough to like have to like do that thing where you're like because you have to do it so much coming up yeah you're like learning how to do comedy but yeah yeah man i don't know if i want to do rooms like where you where you're you have to like all right let me figure out what i gotta do blah, blah, blah, blah. It's cool.

It is a part of it. But when it's like an audience that's it's that bad in my mind, I'm like, dude, fuck this. Yeah, sucks. Well, and then part of it, too, is the energy you put out there. So like and then that is depressing when you're like, I hate you guys. And they don't even know if they're cognizant of it. But it's like something's weird here. It's tough to be like, hey, I'm excited to be here.

And you're like, I have even got up here and I hate you already. Yeah. But the cool part is it's like also the first show was a lot of older people. And it was like a pretty educated. Yeah. They were like an educated crowd. Yeah. Yeah.

They're like, why the fuck is this guy talking about like this and that? But then, you know, some of the silly ass-eating joke kills, whatever. But yeah, after the show, all the young people were just like, dude, it was so funny. Oh, it's great. So that's cool. Yeah. But yeah, it's just the work aspect of it where it's not ideal. And you're like, all right, I'm going to have to fucking work here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all that to say, thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you, guys. I know I have to fucking work here yeah yeah um yeah all that to say uh thanks for listening everybody i gotta go i know i have to pee really bad life tomorrow collides with time Light through space follows parallel lines The darkness brings to light An evil that's inside A part of you and me Infected with disease

The court may stop the plea But tonight I need to be The vision in the sky And the full economy Through the lines of the needle The future is going to lie And I take that in space travel Now I can lie I'm coming in mine And I take it in It's true I'm coming in mine