The Digression Sessions - Ep. 348 - What Is New?

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

On this week's episode, Josh and Umar are back after a little hiatus and pontificating very intelligently about current events. Good to see you again, listener.

so i said britney i'll sell it to you just don't like take it to russia yeah yeah what did she do oh that idiot you know there's a teacher in russia uh what do you mean like an american that's arrested yeah there's like several americans who are arrested for weed in russia right now yeah i people are like can you believe she brought the weed? I'm like, I don't know if she did. I feel like it was just planted on her. Even if she did, it's like, you got to get her out. You can't.

I mean, look, it's stupid, but I don't know. I do like they're going to trade the God of War guy for her, though. Did you hear that? Yes, that part is crazy. Crazy arms dealer? Yeah. There is a movie about him that I think Nick nick cage was in it yeah it was a good movie i've seen it yeah i liked it it was good i'm like man that guy's pretty gnarly i don't know her wnba stats but i don't know if it compares i also well this like the britney grinder story is that you say her last

name grinder i think so yeah is so annoying because it really just highlights how both sides like the extremes of both sides you know like the left is like well she wouldn't be there if she got paid what lebron james did it's like all right her salary is two hundred thousand dollars let's say that's her only money, right? Yeah. You're telling me you can't live comfortably off $200,000? Yeah. And then she has endorsements. $200,000 is also just that is like rarefied air as well, like as far as income goes. Then she has endorsements from like, you know,

I can't remember what the companies are. So that's like extra, essentially passive income. I just love that we haven't podcasted in a year and we open with her like, lock her up. It's her fault. I'm just saying like. Don't you have enough money, Brittany? I'm saying the left is like, she had to go take money from Russians. Oh, yeah.

She didn't. She wanted more money, which we all want more money. We all want more money. And also it's like, ain't nobody force you to play in the WNBA either. Yes. And then the right is annoying because they're like, their stance is like, hey, fuck her. She shouldn't have broke laws in another country.

And it's like, well, you guys are the same side that hate government you hate government control them telling what you what to do you're like you're all about freedom and you're all about vaccine you're all about like resisting now like that's your thing like you're all about resisting and it's like yeah like don't tread on me but also you shouldn't have broke the law yeah same time so like you're willing to let like an american serve 10 years in a foreign prison just because they had a weed pen but other than that republicans aren't like hypocritical or anything no they're like totally cool one yeah yeah the one time yeah uh so are they gonna get her out they put a deal in place but like i don't know if russia is gonna take it yeah yeah i mean such an

insane thing too to be like all right i'll go play basketball in russia crazy i mean insane that is wild um all right hey everybody we're back that's how you know no comedian tours why would you because no comedian is not gonna have weed no not gonna have weed also it's just like the sense of humor over there or like if you say something over the line you're like hey look at this jack off they're like arrest and kill yeah yeah yeah dude i went to atlanta georgia last weekend yeah i wouldn't take weed to georgia i would i wouldn't take it just on a plane in general airport at tsa i'm like no thank you yeah that's great i don't take it just on a plane in general. Dude, airport. At TSA, I'm like, no, thank you. That's crazy.

I don't want it in my car in case I get pulled over for speeding. Bro, I had a sandwich in my suitcase, and TSA pulled it out. I didn't know why they pulled the suitcase, but they're like, this sandwich, what's up with that? I want to be like, just throw it away. Who even cares? I don't even need it. I don't want to go through this and dude i'm not like victim blaming but it's just like it's crazy that people have like either it's like such a lack of like awareness of what the world like yeah putin has bodies you know oh yeah he putin sends

people to other cut he has a literal like assassins yeah and and you're just like i got anxiety though so and they'll understand that was like that was her argument like it helps me calm down i'm like you know what calm me down not being in a russian prison i'm like sneaking weed you know what probably gives you a lot of anxiety sneaking drugs into russia just dogs barking at you in the airport? Oh, no, no. Oh, not on the visual podcast. God damn it. The first video pod. Come on.

God damn it. Oh, fucking Brittany Griner. I know. Where does it end? Oh, God. Yeah. In more relatable news, got the new house, have the pool here. Whoa, hold on.

Sorry. I kept going with the grinder stuff, but I don't know. Oh, this is our first. We're back, baby. We're back, guys. We are back. And not much has changed at all.

This is it. I don't even know if you were married. No, I've been married, shot a second special, toured the country, and you bought a new house, moved out of the city just in time. Moved out of the city,

starting to do a little bit of road stuff. Very excited, very inspired by you. You've been new house, moved out of the city just in time. Moved out of the city, starting to do a little bit of road stuff. Very excited. Very inspired by you. Yeah. Crushing it. So, yeah, it's been very fun. Yeah, it's been great. That first weekend of like going on the road and somebody being like, hey, you want to

come out? I'm like, ooh. Yeah. It was so exciting. It's the best. Oh, but real quick. But yeah, not to flex, but I have a pool now. And, you know, very relatable podcast for everybody.

But the pool needed a lot of work. And the company that did it, the guy that was in charge, he's from Moldova, which isn't Russia, but it is just like... Our buddy Alex, friend of the pods from there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And dude, I felt like such an idiot too. I was like, my friend Alex is from there. And he goes okay that's how you become the dad that like like he's racist like he's just an idiot it's like

do you know alex i've had so many people say that to me when they find out like my last name is con they're like oh do you know an aisha i'm like bro yeah have khan is like the smith of pakistan right right and you're like but yes i do yeah yeah yeah oh but so uh so the the pool it took a bunch of work i mean it needed like they worked on it for like five days in a row like all day every day one day they worked until like 10 p.m jeez and it was dark out and i was just like are you guys good like it's like tan and he's like yeah we're fine we started late because of rain so we needed to make up for time but they finished the pool and uh it like looks great looks amazing and he like came over to like check it out oh yeah and uh i was like thank you so much man hey they said it couldn't be done he

goes who said that i was like no not nobody never mind he was just so confused who said that i was like nobody that's great yeah like to your point of like doing comedy over there oh yeah did your wife really say this kill her it's nuts yeah uh so yeah man things are uh things are great uh you're still in the city carjackings are up in the old neighborhood uh right now we're going through this uh you know just a rough patch of i don't know one to two carjackings a day for the last several weeks in my neighborhood that is insane it's crazy i gotta be honest i think we went a little too hard on defund the police right just uh-huh give them their tanks back i

just want to feel safe in my fucking neighborhood yeah i tell you what you see one tank going down the avenue probably not gonna steal a car oh yeah just ripping up the road when you found out cops had tanks you're like what and now you're like use the tank i know and now we're just like hey you know what if i saw a tank roll up i'd stop committing i bet they're so excited to use the stuff too like riot gear the whole thing the like tactical stuff like yeah yeah let's suit up let's go yeah i remember uh this really funny comedian bobby kelly had a joke about um he's a he's fat yes and he had a joke that he did on fallon about riot cops and like he would hate to be a riot cop because his weight fluctuates so much. He doesn't want to be that one fat cop that is barely fitting into his riot gear.

And then during all the racial upheaval during COVID, there was a picture of that of a fat right cop who barely fit in his gear and i was like damn that is that is yeah where it's like the like strap from the helmets like way out there yeah double chin i think cities in general are just like insane right now like you have the 10 cities and then crime carjackings are up all across the u.s people stealing like catalytic converters and shit. Yeah. Nissan's and Kia's and shit are hot items. Apparently there's a tick tock. We got to get rid of tick tock to tick tock.

I mean, we're going to put some of these clips on tick tock, but we got to get rid of tick tock. It's a Chinese weapon. Yeah. Dude, but we're using it to our advantage. Like and subscribe. Thank you. like and subscribe thank you uh one of the fads on tiktok is they're teaching people that you can start some cars with a usb cable whoa yeah and so now i think some you know it's enterprising youth just having fun uh-huh or uh have i guess caracking people to do this TikTok trend. TikTok challenge, steal your neighbor's car.

Do it, everybody. It's nuts, dude. That's, oh. Woo. I remember like the knockout challenge. I don't know how real that was, but I just love the idea. Oh, it was real. The challenge is just knock a stranger out.

It's crazy. Just like walking down, just knock. It was like old people, too. uh so yeah i did that i did the weekend in oh yeah it was so fun yeah uh so it's technically like 20 minutes outside of pittsburgh it's in homestead uh pennsylvania yeah comedy clubs are almost never in the city it's like mcgoobies here where people are like, what's up, Baltimore? And you're like, all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so it's in a shopping center. It's a Pittsburgh Improv. And it's in one of those shopping centers where they're trying to make it look like a town now, like a neighborhood or whatever. A lot. That's how all the newer clubs are.

Yeah, yeah. It's like an outdoor, indoor mall. Exactly, yeah. It's like the yankee candle store the carhartt store starbucks the peaceburg improv yeah dave and busters yeah um but yeah it was great the weekend was really good uh the um the the host colin he was supposed to feature so he forgot or like he reached out to dusty a while ago it was like hey when you come back can you can i feature and he's like totally and then like booked me and then so there was that thing of

like ah but he was very nice he was actually doing a headlining weekend or headlining show on sunday yeah so he was great dusty was really great um yeah i was a little hung over when i got there the night before uh in nashville we hung out with steve burn uh his wife and her sister and then joe de rosa came to town wow so joe was there and then like i had a couple and so like i was just like fanboying out a little bit i was like hey joe i interviewed you for my podcast in like 2014 he's like that's cool i was like i saved the voicemail you left me and he's like okay guy so i like showed my ass a little bit but i was still just like ah this is great yeah because then i was like and then i'm going to pittsburgh tomorrow and then i was like whoo at the airport the next morning like my god yeah um but we get to the so uh i just happen to be in nashville

uh where dusty was flying out of. So we flew together. And then we got a car from the Pittsburgh airport to the hotel. Oh, nice. Which was great. Yeah. So we're looking for this person in the car service. It's by the Ava stand.

We don't see them. Then we come back in. So it's a different Ava stand. See this woman. And she's like, oh, I'm actually here. And we're like, nope, no problem. And you can tell we're just trying to get to the car and so we get outside and it's raining and it's this woman who's in like it's got to be in like her 50s yeah and dyed black hair and uh and it's raining

and she looks at dusty she goes oh it's raining i didn't i didn't realize it'd be raining. I have to go get the car over there. Can I wear your hat? He's like. Wait, Dusty says? No, the woman says. Oh, the woman. Linda says this to Dusty. Oh, and if people don't know Dusty, that's like his.

Dusty Slay, like of all people to borrow a hat from, he is the hat guy. Yeah. He always has a hat on. Always. Long hair, long straight hair, hat. Yep. Big beard, big glasses. It's just like his look.

Yeah. And always has like an old kind of like white vintage hat for the most part. And it's a Kmart hat, but it's like a vintage Kmart hat. Yes. Like it has the K on it. And she's like, can I wear your hat? He goes, oh, linda i'm so sorry but no good i'm like it's it's it is kind of out of pocket for her to ask for like even if it's

just you and me yeah if you were getting a car service they'd be like can i wear your hat be like what dude sometimes you come across people and you're just like the things strangers will ask other strangers like they think it's like a small favor yes yeah it's like that's bizarre and without like she did say i'm so sorry to ask but it was just like it wasn't just like and how does she take it she was like i completely understand i get it and he's like i'm sorry i just i love this hat it was expensive you know and i don't want to get it wet yeah and she's like absolutely i get it in her head she's just like kate is fucking idiot the kmart but no she took it in stride she just like she was wearing like a little like uh like suit jacket thing she just

put it over her head but the weird thing is like she was parked so far away so we just watched this woman just walking the right like it looked like she quit her job and just took off so yeah it was uh and then we get in the car and she goes oh okay homestead i think i know how to get there i'm like think it's your job dude like didn't plug it into anything i mean we got there but yeah was it an uber no it was a car service dude that's so funny we uh um i was in, well, two things. One, like strangers asking questions. I'll never forget this.

This was like 10, 12 years ago. I was in a Starbucks with some coworkers. Yeah. And like, this is one like these like green matcha things or like new and everyone was getting them. And it was like a frappy matcha drink my co-worker got one we were talking this woman behind us it's complete stranger she's like oh i always wanted to try that that looks good is it good my co-worker's like yeah you should get one blah blah blah so my co-worker gets her drink handed

to her puts the straw in sometimes Sometimes you put a straw in, a little bit seeps out onto the lid. The woman's like, can I just try this? Larry, would you mind if I... Let me just slurp that up. My coworker... This is the difference

between being in your 20s and 30s. Yeah. If somebody asked me that in my 20s, I would be like, ah, okay. And that's exactly... My coworker's like ah okay and that's exactly my co-workers like okay so this woman took her finger across the top of the cup and went oh yeah and i'm just like and then like my friend is also that girl yeah my co-worker a germophobe like i she was

just like she was like this sucks Wow. Did she drink it? I think so. I would have just given it to her. If I'm a germaphobe, I'd be like, hey, that's yours now. Just like you slide your finger across the top of a straight. You do that to your child. Even if you do that to your friend, that would be insane. I wouldn't do that.

Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I'd be like, bro, get the fuck off my. I'd be like, Ross, get your own. Yeah, it's five bucks you idiot give it a shot crazy you're a stranger let me try that go try that oh dude i and yeah if someone's led to me now i'd be like absolutely not but yeah you're putting these awkward situations where you we're so worried about not looking like a bad person. Or like making it weird. Uncomfortable. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. I definitely have that in me that, what's it called? Where you're like codependency a little bit. Where you're like, no, it's okay. Don't worry. Go ahead. It's totally fine. But yeah, at that point, if a stranger is trying to get their finger in your drink,

like, nah, no thank you. Crazy, dude. No thank you. I've had strangers ask to take like sips of my cocktails and stuff and i'm like what no i don't mind doing that with a friend friend friend stranger beat it yeah get out crazy um yeah so i think yeah the rest of the weekend was pretty chill like we just uh like i said we were next to that like shopping center and then uh dusty was like so i want to uh there's a lowes

over there i want to go to the lows and what i what i need to do i'm building a light outside i had a light and now i kind of took it apart and i'm putting it on the ceiling outside on a little porch area so what i need to do is i need to go to the lows for about two three hours and walk around i was like all right let's go but that's the best thing about the road is you do all this stuff yeah that you don't want to do when you're home well he was like yeah i i want to do this but every time i go to lowe's i'm with my wife and my daughter and they're like yeah and then nobody is trying to help you at lowe's either yeah we did walk around for i'd say close to two hours looking for parts and stuff that's great but it is yeah it's awesome that he's at a spot in his career he's like yeah yeah i'll do the shows and stuff but what i really need are

parts for my light at home that's the thing he was most excited about my move on the road uh if i have like i mean you have so much free time yeah but if i have access like i'll do all my like i'll go to like target and buy like toiletries yeah uh i remember one time i bought a jack i needed to buy like a winter coat so i did that right right raincoat because like i hate doing that stuff at home but you're just like you have all this time to kill before the show and you're just like yeah and you're like i haven't masturbated in a while i should probably catch up on that on the road exactly you do that a ton it's crazy it is funny you're like well i mean it's four hours yeah yeah free hotel what am i gonna do did you get a hotel yeah nice it was improvs give hotels it was so

nice yeah i was i i feel like it was like the luckiest i could be with that situation like dusty's so cool yeah the crowds uh so the first night uh it's pittsburgh which hates baltimore which it's also like yeah settle down you know yeah we're basically the it's pittsburgh which hates baltimore which it's also like yeah settle down you know yeah we're basically the same same pittsburgh is beautiful though yeah i mean you probably did you go into the city no we were we were like i said we were like 20 minutes outside of the city and didn't have a car and then it's also so i also worked friday and then saturday we were free and kind of like bopped around a little bit like just in that little shopping center like there's the carhartt store i was like i'll get a t-shirt yeah i did that and then i was like all right that's my big thing for the day yeah yeah yeah

um but yeah the first night uh there was just a guy up front that was hammered like literally cut him off and there's only one show on thursday yeah it's like eight yeah yeah the sun isn't even down he's like they won't serve me no more jesus and so i just riffed on like how our accents sound the same and like it actually went pretty well good so then friday night i was like yeah i'm from baltimore and the first show was sold out and people were like boo and i'm like ah whatever we're basically the same and our accents and like i kind of just like tried to recreate what i did the night before and they were like i was like ah i mean i went up there so confident like i wrote stuff during the day i'm like we're basically the same like you guys are the stealers you don't even make steel we're a port city that nobody wants to go to the port the ravens are named after edgar allen

poe he didn't even live here he just got so drunk he died in the street like we're both trash yeah they're just like at this point you're just you're giving them a history lesson they're like where's the joke yeah i was like we're the same just trying to rip and they're like fuck you oh cool cool cool cool that's awesome so i had to dig out of that and then uh luckily the the next night i was like yeah i drove through baltimore and they're like all right we'll listen yeah i had a similar thing happen i was in atlanta when you were in pittsburgh yeah and it was my second time there it's a punchline is a great club um and uh there was only one of the shows sold out the early saturday show and i was like i was on fire yeah like murdering yeah

i get to this one joke where i make fun of uh women a little just playfully yeah and uh the essentially the joke is like um uh i riff on like how we you know four years ago we were saying like the future is female we went to the women's march and now we're in the future and everything sucks and i give examples and then the punchline is like well if the future is female is that why everything sucks right now right usually does well blah blah blah dude it might be the first time where it was um it wasn't a boo but it was close it was like it was a lot of like oh like the whole crap day and it's weird because like it is uh the club is in a rich part of town so it's a pretty mixed bag of people no one like uh like you're still in atlanta proper but you're

like north i think and you're in the richest part of atlanta and so i don't know it was and then my next joke even after after that is a joke where essentially i just call isis gay but in like it's a play on words yeah and uh man uh rough so you followed it with that yeah i was because i will i was opening for my buddy liz it's just funny it's like all right you didn't like the anti-female stuff isis is gay and they're like well yeah so liz liz mealy who i've opened up for and i've known for a while now uh she was like dude i'm gonna tell you again every time uh just i love your stuff but stop apologizing on stage uh so i just double i was like and then that show i did like i never like i just kept doubling down i caught and it was working working yeah they didn't like i think

they still liked me but just they were like oh these jokes are too much for us exactly it's like they're still having fun but they're like whoa and um yeah so i followed with that and that got like nothing dude and uh i mean i came out of it it was nice but like yeah i was just like ah fuck it and it was it was cool i might post it because i have the clip. But even after, like my next show got an applause break after that. Right. So I was like, oh, okay. But that's just, I don't know. That's just what happens.

That's just how it is sometimes. Yeah. And then so it's also it's nice when you have multiple shows too. Because the next day I was like, I was like, I need to do so much better. And so like the next night was another sold out show went way better. Yeah. And I got off stage and Dusty was like, hot set. And so like the next night was another sold out show went way better. Yeah. Yeah. I got off stage and Dusty was like hot set.

And I was like, yeah. Well, that's the thing about the road is like it really teaches you where you have jokes and where you don't have jokes. Yeah. Because when you're in front of strangers in a different town. Yes. They don't know anything about you or what reference like you have to like. Yeah.

I think that's the biggest thing I see in local scenes is it's too self-referential and people are murdering people are murdering yes and i'm just like this would never work anywhere else right and dusty brought up a good point too he's like yeah the first night that it killed when you riffed on the audience thing he's like but they also that was the middle of your set yeah like they know you like, they know you. They kind of like you already. But I come out of the gate and I'm like, hey, we're not so different. They're like, fuck you. Yeah. We don't know you.

I'm like, right. Yeah. Right. But also, I just hate that whole, like, when you say a thing where people, like, boo it or cheer. It's dumb. Yeah. I also, too, I was like, you know I'm not Lamar Jackson, right?

Like, settle down. I don't play for the Ravens. It's fine. But, yeah, just like, boo. invested yeah you can't let go of yeah like boom boom like all right that's what i was like we're not so different but uh yeah it was it was nice to have like the saturday sets to be like okay cool i'm i'm good yeah and like i dug out of it but it is like the first weekend where it's like i just wanted to be like okay cool i'm i'm good yeah and like i dug out of it but it is like the first weekend where it's like i just wanted to be like home run after home run and then yeah you fuck up a little bit and it was like especially out of the gate but luckily i got it all back yeah so so yeah that was uh that was great it was very fun uh yeah we didn't get to hang out too much after

the shows though because um yeah the first time he came to town we just had cigars in the chili's parking lot yeah in mcgoobies it was great but uh he's like trying to watch his health now so he's like i'm not really doing cigars and stuff so we just like went to bed early and then monday or sunday he flew out at 6 a.m so he left the hotel at like 4 a.m yeah i'm waiting for yeah uh most headliners don't have like like Mark, like I, you know, opening up for Mark Norman is crazy because he's like the only one that I know that hangs out. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. And I'm wondering like when, that's gotta stop. No one can keep it going. We were joking that, yeah, a good night's sleep is like the new drugs. You're like, God damn, I woke up. I felt great. And that's just so funny because like Mark, his whole thing is like you know he's like a big drinker party guy and like he does

drink yeah we do drink but we don't like go out no we get i mean i get hammered i don't think he i don't know if he does but i'm like fucked up yeah and uh but we just do we'll sit in a green room literally until three or four in the morning oh Oh, yeah. Didn't you fall asleep? Yeah, dude. We were in Indianapolis. Yeah. It was the third Friday night show. The shows were so good.

Like, it was like, dude, it was like, like, like happened to you. Like, I came off stage and I was like, dude, they're good. He was like, you're good. You killed. And then he runs on stage. And I was like, yes. Oh, dude. Yeah.

I mean, that's like, that's drugs right there. That compliment, you're like, I am invincible now. Yeah. And then you just, I had this, I posted this joke. I had to go to the doctor's office. I have these like, I had these skin things right here and here. And I was like, Karen was like, what the fuck is that? I was i was like i don't know they just come around every summer and she's on both sides well it used to be just on one side they're gone now and uh she's like go the fucking doctor

i'm like all right and so i went i made an appointment bro getting in with a dermatologist is so diff they are like the celebrities or something of the doctor world i call this one office this woman was like yeah we can get you in february february i'm like there's something on my skin i need you to look at you think you should i just wait and till february she's like let's let let's let it get good and cancerous by february and then we'll get it and uh i called three people that was like the response like september november december i was like so i found a place and i was like okay yeah and then they they said a week and then i get there and it's gone so i explained what was going on he was like ah it just sounds like a heat rash dude so he gave me some like steroid cream. And anyway, while I was there, the intake nurse was, she, I've had so many weird, the first time I went to a dermatologist, dude, I remember the intake nurse was like, hey,

we're training some medical students. And I was there to have something looked at that was on my penis. And she was like, we're training some medical students. Oh, yeah. When you were like, is my dick too big? And they told me that. I remember that. Yeah.

I remember that. Yeah. And she's like, do you mind if they come, you know, just so they can get some experience? Mind if they come? Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. And I was like, I mean, I'll see what I can do. How many students?

Well, she didn't say. She said just some. Uh-huh. We're in a, we're in a, you know, doctor, like, seeing the, what is the room? Observation. Observation room or whatever, like, where they see you. It is obscene. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm with you. It's small. It's half the, it's like maybe quarter size of your living room. Well, this is not the living room. This is sitting room sorry sorry my palatial estate yeah please get it right um dr walks in nine fucking interns walk in nine so the slipknot of interns come in nine yeah a whole wu-tang comes yeah yeah nine my parents are already down and i have that thing over me like oh you know that like thin paper thing they put over you like

at the dentist office and then your dick just goes inside your body you just hear huge not huge i mean well huge teen is you know like just how small it is is gigantic yeah yeah it's it's a huge teen it's gigantically small yeah uh what is that literary term where you use like two opposites to uh to compare uh not a simile produce tiny tim what is tiny you know what i mean uh or like huge producer. Oh, like a jumbo shrimp, you mean, or something? Yeah. What is that? There's an oxymoron. Maybe.

I think that's what it is. Oxymoron. Yeah. We're going for that. It's tough when you can't think of a word. I'm like, is moron in it? Good. So.

Oh, Josh got it. Thank you, Paul. All right. And so, yeah, the doctor looked at he's like you got this from whatever and then he's like all right guys come take a look so then nine doctors just walk up and like do this and look at my penis like okay you know and i'm just like oh tina's it's a night it was a nightmare like it was crazy it was insane so not so and again nothing i was in my early 20s today i would just be like i just want one person in this room to look at my penis

and i want it to be the most qualified my wife yeah i want to be the most qualified like yeah but they need to learn fuck them it's your most qualified yeah i'm like i'm too old to mess around i'll take a picture and text it to them but sure i'm not the shame of yeah oh it was a nightmare already teen is because you're scared as well and then like yeah like what's what what were you afraid of that was on your dick i had like warts or so but it was like something else and And it was just, yeah, it sucked. It was just like such a bummer. Yeah. They're looking at each other like, oh my gosh.

But, oh, so then this time I go to the dermatologist. Oh, right, right. And they just, like, she asked me, she said, how many nights out of the year would you say you have five or more drinks? And I'm like, wow, that is an insane question. Out of the year. Out of the year would you say you have five or more drinks and i'm like wow that is an insane out of the year out of the year if you say like a month a week that's tough ask it a week and then you do the math don't make me sit there and do the math in front of you and be like okay so a couple a week carry christmas there then there's the summer break like so my response started with i was like look i don't

work during summers and i'm around free alcohol a lot because when you're in comedy clubs it's free it's everywhere yeah and it's every yeah it's and uh i i mean i gave a red i said 200 200 drinks which is wait 200 nights yeah which is nowhere near the 200 nights but i was just like i was just like panicking. I was like, I don't want her to think I'm lying. Because you go to that thing where you don't want to come across as like a liar. And she was, I was like. Hey, Omar Kreischer over here, everybody.

I was like, 200? She's like, okay. And now I'm like, I kind of want. That's a thousand drinks. Yeah, I wanted to call her back and be like, I think 50 might have been more realistic. Even that seems like a lie. Yeah, I mean, it does add up. So what would 50 be? So that would be what? and be like i think 50 might have been more realistic even that seems like a lot yeah i mean it does add up so what would 50 be so that would be what five by 50 that'd be like a little

more than twice a month yeah which probably is that you have five or more now five is a lot but dude those tequila sodas go down yeah i tell you i I've been more in a little bit of a lager zone due to producer Paul. He's on that Corona tip. I only drink. Much better. Yeah, dude. I can't wait for breweries to be. They're the new malls.

I think they will be the new. Every town's going to have a brewery that's going to turn into, I don't know, something like an axe don't know, like an axe throwing place. Yeah, an axe throwing place. I like seeing the breweries that get too big, and then another brewery moves into the smaller one. I'm like, this isn't sustainable. Yeah, our town, Baltimore, is a tiny town, and we have like over 20 breweries.

Yeah. It's insane. Yeah, but it's, I tell you, well i mean i don't think there aren't enough vests to fill these breweries everybody you can't walk and it's like every like oh i will say this breweries do bring like a very diverse it yeah it puts like the hipsters and the like bro douchebag people i mean hipsters are douches also but like like yeah i can be hipstery kind of the hippie granola people are also in there under one roof bros to play in a kickball league also grabbing some brews yeah and it's easy to when you're out of town to be

like let's go to the brewery like or if somebody comes in from out of town i mean um did they so uh not a fan we lost power uh for four days at the house um which was like our staycation week too like we moved and did all that stuff yeah i know it's brutal out here it's brutal yeah but a tree fell on a power line and it was just like we were just done for four days so luckily you were out of town so we stayed at your place for a couple days but yeah trying to fill the days we're like all right when does union which is a brewery in baltimore like all right they open at noon i guess we'll be there 1201 because you're just trying to fill the time too and then uh we went there and i was like yeah i've been doing lagers recently and they do these um they do these beers where it's like

test beers for like the month where they're not like ready to put them in production but you can get them if you go to the brewery and then a thing was like called like the ghost lager or whatever right i was like cool i have a couple of those and i'm like what are they like four percent uh went to another brewery a few days later on the same thing of like we got to go somewhere with air conditioning yeah they had that exact there that beer there oh nice and it said 8.4 percent so i was drinking like two of those during the day and i'm like all right let's go get indian food that is it that's like a adult life is so unimaginative you know yeah because it's expensive like i don't work yeah like because i don't work

on this summer you're just like well what do you do all day so you don't spend yes money yeah you're just like uh because your instinct is like oh let's get a drink you know like that's just always your instinct yeah and it's funny that that's what we'll settle for too we're like yeah getting slightly fucked up we should do that that's better than doing nothing it is crazy like i remember uh we were in atlanta and uh i felt bad you know karen was with me her family lives there but like it's just not like the most ideal getaway weekend if yeah it's a comedy weekend so like oh let's go get a drink and uh oh no this was we were in town i did a show and i was like i felt bad for canada i was like let's go get a drink i did a show it sucked or it was fine but um i made like no money i should have asked for way more money and we go get a drink two drinks you

have to sit outside because inside was so crowded and loud and it was like over 30 for two drinks and i'm just like what the fuck that's wild almost this is like a quarter of what i just made this sucks that's insane yeah so you're just like you're like you gotta i gotta chill well yeah yeah when you do that when you do that math too you're like all right so that's half of what i made this weekend on like some like trip to wherever we uh we went to dick's sporting goods and uh two comics from new york were on their way to cleveland and they know dusty um so we all like got lunch we all got lunch at uh this place promanti brothers yeah they're that's what they're known for yeah so this is like their spin-off one it's not the original location but it's just fucking insane it's like the bread is like this fuck like two

inches thick on each side roast beef coleslaw on there french fries all kinds of shit and i was like all right i'm just gonna get pizza and she was like oh i was like can i get a slice of pizza and the lady's like we don't have pizza and i'm like all right like on the weekends and then i ordered another thing she's like we don't have that it's like all right we'll have the fried mac and cheese balls but anyway so we get the it was just like so that was gnarly but it was like it was fine but we all went to we were just walking around and we went to dick's sporting goods and everybody bought shoes and then i was like i'm not gonna buy shoes like two of the comics needed shoes i think dusty got socks but it's like it's just so easy to spend money yeah like

oh there's 90 right there it's like okay cool there's one show gone on like shit that i didn't need exactly so like i'm really trying not to spend money on yeah yeah especially just buying a house i'm like we're good yeah yeah yeah i yeah it sucks except you know important stuff like uh garage doors you know you gotta upgrade you know nice you gotta upgrade uh dude uh we had yeah we had to get a tree removed yeah because it was it was dead so it sucked because uh our friend ari came over and because we were asking her about like stuff to do at the front of the house and her husband dan he is an arborist right or like no but he does work outside yeah he was just like hey that tree's

dead i was like cool the biggest fucking tree right next to the house so called a service and a guy came over and he was just like man this is a big tree we're gonna have to rent a crane come in blah blah and i was like yeah dude i get it like what are you thinking like price wise says like because i'll be honest we just moved in we did not plan for this expense i understand we got to get it removed he's like man i mean just off the top of my head and i'll get back hold on before you say what did you think it would cost i honestly i was like two grand. Yeah. But he was like, I'd have to like get back to the office and crunch the numbers.

And, you know, and I'll get you a better estimate. But off the top of my head, again, thinking we need the crane, couple guys here, probably around $5,000. And I was like, bro, I'm going to be honest. And also, I have no shame at this point being like, is there any wiggle room in that any any price that anybody gives me especially for shit that we get done around the house i'm like is there wiggle room in that people are like yeah yeah like the worst thing i can say is no right i don't care so the guy's like but yeah i'll get back to the office and i'll let you know sends me an email and he's like all right josh see the attached invoice this motherfucker sent over a spreadsheet and it just

said it was like you know their little uh watermark at the top of like their company and all this stuff our address and then the invoice there's just a rectangle where it says tree removal five thousand dollars i'm like what is in the five grand yeah i email him back i was like thanks but like can you give me like a breakdown of that he just basically sends it back where he's like tree removal five grand it was the same thing i was like no thank you and then i called another company and they're like we can do it for three grand i'm like perfect nice and it makes it seem like a deal because of like yeah hey it's not five grand but yeah it was fucking insane damn dude three thousand dollars to get a tree out of your goddamn house but i'll say the very next day is the day we got a crazy windstorm and that's when the tree down the street

fell so it's like if we didn't get that removed i don't know what the fuck happened yeah and then the weird thing is at the base of it there was concrete in the tree so like i don't know how long the tree has been there or if they knew it was dying or somebody quick fix i guess to give it like a spine or something like that but yeah i was just like how's it going out here and the guy's like uh the tree it broke my chainsaw i was like what happened he's like concrete i was like there's concrete in it that's wild that's all this shit like you when you get a home you'll never you don't think of, you know? Yeah. And you're like, like our friend, like they just, before the pod, there was a crazy storm last night and two huge trees fell in their yard.

Yeah. And she made a post online. She's like, seriously, we don't even know who to call to deal with this. And I'm like, I was like, yeah, that's, that sucks. See, guys, look, if you don't own a home, it's a lot more, you know, I get it, you poor piece of shit. But, like, grass is greener. You know what I mean? Especially ours because we have a yard.

But you probably don't. Yeah, you're probably living in, like, a walk-up. You don't have to maintain that yard. But you might have one of those, like, cute balconies that, like, are are just a balcony it's weird that they even exist because you just open your sliding glass door it's just a railing right in front of you and then you're only looking at the other people the other poor people across from you like you don't even have a view but you might get like that like turf stuff yeah yeah yeah practice golf on what are you gonna do we're all going through it is what we're saying so umar in the new special i believe you

say the n word five times yes no uh six times uh yeah yeah so yeah the crazy yeah we have not podcasted in a year which in a year because we i think the first one we the for the last one we did was like right before i was about to have my i had two weddings yes different way yes yes yes and yeah there was a lot of prep for that and then because my one year is next weekend for the pakistani wedding crazy so yeah i think it was like right before then because i think i also had to take down a podcast due to uh i said some things some things about family that had to get cut oh yeah which is very funny a lot of times we've had to delete podcasts is hilarious i tell you what yeah honestly people that quit comedy man the real ripple effect we're like could you delete episode 86 oh i'm trying to get a job we had a woman do our podcast i smoke pot a woman did our

podcast um she was in town to do my show and we just meet her podcast yes you know yes she hit me up like a year ago this is three years after we podcasted and she was like hey i said some things on there that i just don't want people to know about me and i'm like yeah yeah totally no problem get rid of it yeah but man it is yeah and it so stupid. I mean, like, it's just funny. I think like Colin Quinn, older funny comedian says. Yeah, he's the best. The number one thing that gets people in trouble is like the things they say. And then all comedians now do is spend hours and hours just putting things online of them just stuff that we're not thought

through either yeah at least stand up you're like i know what i'm saying it's been rehearsed yeah this stuff like after we're done i'll be like i don't remember but even that like uh i've uh with the encouragement of uh young you know younger comics who are doing really well on uh on social media he was making fun uh we did our buddy star rose is like yeah a celebrity almost at this point yeah and uh i did a bunch of shows i opened for him at the dc improv yeah so about eight shows that's wild i mean yeah he's gonna be a theater act next year i mean shane gillis too our other buddy like seeing shane dylan shane sold out six shows at magubi's like i've never seen two thursdays you know how much money that is oh hell yeah it's insane amounts i know it's

great man i um i had this this tell the people how much money now uh the host this weekend this is this guy zach super cool dude he lives in la right now but he's from atlanta so he was on those gigs yeah uh and we were just talking and he can't remember, but it just came up. We were talking about people like Shane and Norman and Dylan. Those are the people he likes. Something came up. We were talking about money, and I was like, wait, how much do you think those guys make a weekend? He was like, I don't know, like $3,500.

I was like, bro. Wow. Are you out? You think that's what they make? like sold out that's all they make thirty five hundred dollars yeah but that's how funny like capital is like yeah when you're in an income you can't even imagine also because i wouldn't know that unless i was friends with some of those unless somebody told you but also too it's like even him knowing that he's like man i hope one day i'm okay money why like not even like rich but he's just like i hope i can live semi comfortably when

i'm at the top of the top no they're making the they're making like over like the average salary in america is like fifty thousand dollars right they're making over that in a weekend yes that's crazy yeah yeah yeah but uh merch and stuff and when you're doing theaters you're making over that in a weekend yes that's crazy yeah yeah yeah but throw in merch and stuff and when you're doing theaters you're making you could make anywhere from like a hundred thousand to like 250 300 depending on like where you are how many nights you do theaters take a big chunk sure they take like but still yeah yeah it's like yeah that's the trade-off too as you're like that's one night of work yeah and you know versus like having to do three nights yeah five shows four nights six shows whatever anyway

i was opening for stavros and uh our buddy sahib singh who's like huge on tiktok and stuff it was funny because when stavros and i started doing comedy, it was like... So I was hosting. The feature act was Tim Miller, which makes sense. Yeah. Because when we started going to DC, Tim was like... He was like one of the dudes we looked up to. Super funny guy. Super cool.

Still so funny. But also, Tim's also chilled out a little bit too. And he was never a dick, but it was just also like... When you don't know him either, you're like, man, he's the man. Yeah. And even if he was like a dick but it was just also like when you don't know him either you're like man he's the man and like even if he was like what's up you're like but we we also probably did a lot of that in our head yes exactly exactly but i'm saying it's just so nice now to be like friends with him too on that level yeah you know so we're in the green room and sahib you know sahib is like it's just so funny he's like brown guy he's just so gen z it's hilarious he's just so cool he has like a vibe his whole act is i mean he has an amazing act like that's the one cool thing

about sahib is like he's funny online he does like his sketches are unreal funny yeah and his stand-up is super funny yes you know and uh and i think he's number one in the um the car stealing tiktok challenge yeah yeah he's stolen a lot of cars he's great but sahib was saying um he was just making fun of me and timmy he's like you know what's funny it's like you guys make fun of like younger comics because you know it's like oh you guys just post you're not even funny yet you're just posting clips it's like but you guys are like all this material you're like fucking dinosaurs and we you're just holding on to it for what right he's like dude clip up your shit and post it so yeah because i was so like i don't want to do tiktok i don't want i'm tired of posting so i did and it's been going really well yeah it's it's uh yeah the

numbers that you're doing are great it's insane one of my clips have seven million that's so great it's not killer killer yeah it's with uh with tiktok yeah it also doesn't feel real i think it's because i am older too and like so late to tiktok where it does feel just like oh this is a thing like teenage girls do or whatever but it's like there's so many fucking people on tiktok it's unreal yeah take i i just i i don't like it just because like i think like well that's another thing you learn quickly too when you have that many people watching your videos you're like oh well oh if seven million people are seeing something yeah and most of them will not like it and they will let you know.

So also the other way where it's like, this doesn't feel real. Like these people don't feel real. They don't think you're a human being either. They also think that you're not seeing it. You're just content that's like, you're like a TV show. It's like, okay, how do we all feel

about season four of Stranger Things? But it's Umar's clip. Yeah, exactly. And you're like, hey, you get a notification each time they're like fuck this guy and fuck you brenda so and they're you know one minute clips there's no new there's a lot of like context missing yeah like like we were saying earlier in the pot like you gotta like establish who you are but it's you're not doing that also yeah a clip that

you're posting too that's maybe a little more risque is something you're doing later in the set where like the crowd is granting you leeway. Where it's like, oh, we're on your side. We know your perspective. Yeah, it's nuts. You're just like, fuck. But you just can't look at it. But it's so hard to not look. Yeah, dude, yeah. I think the problem for me for TikTok and like young, because it's mostly kids, is like,

I don't even think they know that I'm doing stand up comedy a lot of them. Because like the art, like I'll post a joke about like spanking and I'm against it or whatever. And then all the comments are just people like giving stats on spanking and arguing for it or against it. And I'm like, this is is nuts same thing like with my arranged marriage i have a joke about arranged marriage and uh yeah all these comments about like this actually happened you're a piece of shit i'm like okay first of all i didn't do it

i'm also like you know this isn't at my ted talk yeah i'm just joking because like the joke is my mom was telling me to lie to a muslim girl yeah which she said in jest yes she said it jokingly and then wait a minute and you heightened that for comedic effect yeah and then i don't know i took it to stage uh and you know i uh fucked with the truth a little bit i don't know if people know that people in umar on stage do that you know we're recording this right yeah you don't want people people know that people in umar on stage do that you know we're recording this right yeah you don't want people to know i know no i'm gonna release this fucking clip for all these fucking morons you're fibbing on stage for comedic effect yeah and they're like how could you this actually happens and i'm like i take it up with the culture not me you dumb fuck

i don't know i didn't make up these stupid outdated bullshit that you still follow furthermore i'm fucking around and i'm fucking around and of course my mom would never want me to do that to somebody yes uh i married a white woman because they're better than no i'm talking i'm kidding but now you're making sense paul did we get that yeah all right uh nuts you're just like you got to block all that shit. But like, it's crazy. There's so much out there. Yeah.

Especially to like the way my brain works. It's like positive comment, positive comment, positive. Okay, good, good, good, good. Then you get one negative one. You're like, like the other stuff. It's like, oh, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. This is nice. And then that one, you're like, what the fuck?

Yeah. It's tough. You just, you got to just. It's just a part of it too. you just you gotta just it's just a part of it too and it's also it's like you know that those people are not funny and they're miserable but also like look i also know like i say shitty things yes of course people are going to get upset yeah they're allowed to be upset yeah don't mind it you know the uh the clip that i did of like the the deer sketch in the ring camera on tiktok there are of many

people that were convinced it was a an ad for the nest camera yeah people are yeah and i was like out of their mind but i'm also like nest where you at i'll take some money yeah please i gotta be honest whenever i'm in a big group of people like uh if you're at the airport or like, I don't know, like, you know, whatever, like at a festival or something. Mosque. Yeah. Yeah. Flat earthers get together. You really, I really just have no hope for this country.

Eesh. You know, I gotta be honest. I really think like most, and this is not just this country. It's just groups in general. You look around and you're like, fuck. I'm a bunch of dummies. This is... Yeah.

It? Yeah. This is... Like, people... Dude, I can't even tell you. We went to the aquarium in Atlanta. It's like the world's biggest aquarium. I've never seen so many people have to use like one of those automated wheelchairs.

Oh, from being... I've never seen so many in one place too big yeah and you're just like dang damn dude wow now we should cut that cut this part out i don't want to i don't want this in there time stamp this i bet their their fingers are probably too fat to comment oh god anyway we're just talking about the special god damn it oh yeah yeah yeah what's it called fuck fat people yeah so i got married recorded a special uh it's not out yet but i'm well we can brainstorm but right now it's called who cares i like that i mean because i say it on stage a lot you already did live from baltimore that was the last one yeah so it's just hard to come up with a comedy title that isn't dumb and i think i mean who cares is also a little like that kind of like i'm cool you know yeah yeah but i just don't know what to call

it uh gen z rocks yeah yeah uh but i did the special got married things are happening things are good special special was cool because i was like it was the first time i got to shoot material that is uh you know that i know is road tested right like it has general appeal so i'm super pumped to put it out right uh it is more mean so that's like you know now i'm nervous just seeing like these initial comments on jokes that I thought were so innocuous. And people get so upset. You're just like... And this is conservatives and liberals.

Get upset. It's not just a one-sided thing. You're just like... Umar's a bad boy now. You're like, shit. Just on the way here, I was like, I'm going to cut that one joke that I really didn't want to cut. But I'm like, I can't risk my livelihood over a joke. Smart, yeah.

Maybe two I should cut. Something to hold on to, too, though. It's nice to have the footage, too. And then if things are going well, I'll be like, actually, maybe I'll put this piece out. But I shot it at Magoobies, which is a shout out to Andrew Unger. Magoobies. Sold out show. Opening for my buddy Mark Norman.

Yeah, that was great, dude. I'm so pumped for you. That was such a fun thing, too, because Mary and I buddy norm mark norman yeah that was great dude i'm so pumped for you that was such a fun thing too because uh mary and i came yeah that was cool and like we all got to hang in the green room and it was so nice yeah because everybody was so pumped for you it was fun because like uh it was just like a great comedy weekend thursday we're all like hanging out in the green room blah blah blah friday the first show goes well second no first show was like okay yeah second show was like killer but it wasn't sold out or i think i don't know whatever and then saturday both shows saw and also i you know mark is like on a roll right now he sells

out everywhere he goes yeah dude and so i was like you know what fuck it i'm i don't want to record like an hour i'm a nobody i'll put out like 25 30 minutes no one knows who i am and i think that's like smart yeah uh it just you know catches algorithm probably people are gonna more likely to watch yeah versus seeing an hour like the thing that i'm i'm trying to just get clips out like i just call it getting points on the board yeah you know what i mean like you have it out there it's like nobody's gonna be like well how come it's not 45 it's like it's enough to get points on the board where it's like oh this dude's funny i want to check out his other stuff yeah which is what the special is for and so i was like mark will sell out these shows no problem

and then like i know what mcgoobies feels like when it's sold out. I've been lucky enough to do that a lot, open for people, and it's magic. I will say, I love the DC Improv, and it is an amazing club. Everyone says it's top five, but I really think when Magoobies is sold out, it is the best club around here. Agreed, because it used to be a dinner theater, so it is a theater. So when it's sold out, it's a smaller theater, but it's still, what, 350 people or something like that? Yeah. Like three tiers.

It's amazing. So me and Sahib are talking, and he's like, dude, none of the shows are sold out yet. I'm like, oh, shit. This is like week of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then Norman texted me on Tuesday. He's like, like dude what the fuck is up with timonium is it just like a late ticket buying town or something and i was like

i think so and he's just like dude these sales are rough and i'm like fuck yeah because when mcgooey's isn't full it is tough that is the funny thing it's like but yeah it's like if it's the best it can be wow it's amazing but if it's not woof it's work that's the thing about the improv like even if it's like half full it's magic well it's a low ceiling low ceiling low ceiling people packed in is not it's still fun it's still a good club but it's as from a performer's point of view yeah it's just it's not magic also people will be will be having fun, but they don't know the difference. You know what I mean? Like, they're laughing and stuff, but the ceiling's so high, the energy just kind of dissipates.

Yeah. So, you know, once it's full, though, like, everybody's packed in. All that energy stays kind of kinetic and, you know. So, luckily, the shows did end up something about last minute. And I think he had just done Sch schultz's podcast and he said that probably really helped the number but i just think people in this town just wait yeah uh so thursday friday sure friday shows go well blah blah blah saturday i'm only filming the saturday shows yeah both the saturday shows are sold out uh all my like family like the family that are coming like my cousins my brother his

girlfriend uh karen all of her friends like just people who go to jen and joe like right know me from the show i used to run they all went to that early saturday show and i was like so pumped and i was so but like so whatever like sahib goes up has an okay set i'm like shit and i go up i'm like super nervous i have never been that like i came over the last time i was like some of the words weren't coming out right but also like because the first joke just like didn't hit and i was like oh this is bizarre right and second joke media and it was just like that the whole set like there's never like a big pop or anything also never that moment too you're like all right i got him i tried to do crowd work so i i have like i make i like i just reference like january 6 or something

and then later on in the set like uh trump should be president you know something i think i said something like oh you know like i was like do you guys think the set, like Trump should be president. You know, I think I said something like, oh, you know, like I was like, you guys think the world's like uptight these days, like setting up a joke. And I just one guy was just like, yeah. And I was like, all right, don't want to cause a don't want to make another rally. This guy was at the Capitol that got like a decent lap. But then the guy's like, I'm brown, bro. I'm like, who let a brown guy in here?

Gross. Get out, kick him out. And then like got nothing. And then Timonium nothing yeah and then i went for another i was like timonium you're like time to dip into the racist bag yeah let me yeah i mean this one this is a no fail um yeah then i made it just like another i it got like an okay and then he got upset and just like started like yelling out and i just like steamrolled over and his girlfriend i could see her like dude stop what are you doing then i just then another crowd work

moment just went nowhere and i was like fuck and this was yeah because i was recording this also typically to the saturday early show is usually like the best show no that's gone yeah i feel like there's probably the worst show at this point because all date night now yeah because all the podcasts because now like everyone's coming to like they're the thursday night thursday friday nights because it's all the podcast fans who want to see like the headliner like immediately so i'm like i get off stage i'm like that sucked i'm like having a fucking meltdown dude like a meltdown i'm like and like everyone like you know so he like karen and her friends were like what we thought it was

great yeah and i was like it was just a weird energy my one cousin oh he was in town from california the first time he saw me perform was like when i first started i was like a month in stand-up he saw me perform at a place in a town called golden west and of course i sucked and i ate it and now he see and it was just like it wasn't horrible but it just wasn't great yeah and even he was like yeah just like and even norman had a rough set and it was just like uh and he's like yeah it just felt like the laughs were like fake it felt like people were just trying to laugh when they thought they were supposed to it was bizarre interesting so just like a weird vibe for everybody so weird karen's in the green room like all of her friends are still in the audience she's in the green room

like trying to like him her and sahib and like trying to talk to like dude you'll get it on the next one and i'm just like freaking out yeah it's like you need a drink and i'm like i don't want she's like dude you need a drink yeah i get a drink and then i talked to andrew he's like you need a drink and i'm like i don't want she's like dude you need a drink yeah i get a drink and then i talked to andrew he's like dude just go like do some bullshit jokes you don't care about first and i'm like all right that's a good idea and then i have a second drink there's also a late show you can go a little longer too well and then norman was really nice like yeah we went out to lunch he's like dude do whatever you need to get this. If you need to do 30 minutes, do 30 minutes. It doesn't matter.

Yeah. When I was hanging out before the show, he was so nice. He was like, literally, he goes like, this is about you tonight, which is so cool. Insane. He's so nice. He's so cool. Because he was like, they're like, well, we have sold out show the second show. So they got to turn the audiences around and get everybody out.

And then Norman was like, I'll do five minutes less less yeah and like for him to do that like he's like he loves being on yeah loves doing jokes and like shows how much he likes you that he's like very shave it off my time this is about you yeah so second show so he goes up hot set he sets up the audience really nice and then i go up dude i gotta be honest top five sets of my life fuck yeah we're not gonna even use one fucking thing from the first show that i would say that's almost a perfect set it was incredible insane yeah it was like just the perfect audience every joke hit just murder murder dude i have i'll show you after this. I have this crazy crowd work moment. Where you're like, fuck brown people.

They're like, yes! And then we killed a brown guy on stage. Get him up here. We're lynching him. Yeah. And then my mom came. And then we forced a Muslim chick to marry me. People going nuts.

It was crazy. That first crowd was uptight. It was amazing. I did 30 minutes yes just fucking murder awesome dude it was amazing because sometimes yeah like it really stings to have especially like when you're filming it everything's heightened but usually you just want to kill anyway obviously but yeah you're being filmed you know this is like you're gonna put this out there's people you know in the audience the pressure is there and then just that feeling afterwards of like it was bad like i'm sure everybody was like it was good but to you it's like terrible great to use that inspiration

like to like flip that and be like actually i'm gonna fucking crush this next yeah is awesome and dude and so then my buddy chris la martina filmed it shout out to chris great dude yeah he sent me the um video just to give him like edit notes yeah and i was like oh dude it's cool i was just like can you just turn up like the audience a little bit more though and he was like oh dude i didn't even put the audio clip that's just from the camera i'm like holy shit so it's gonna sound incredible awesome yeah i'm pumped fuck yeah congrats thanks man i love it so pumped fuck yeah so we're gonna call it who cares maybe we'll see okay yeah i mean we'll keep people well yeah we'll keep them posted that's great dude i'm so excited yeah thanks dude fuck yeah i'm excited yeah that was uh the yeah i wanted to, I wanted to be there for the set,

but then Steve Byrne was in town opening for Colin Jost in D.C. He was like, you should come hang out. I'm like, okay. Jost remembered me, too. He goes, we met before, right? Yeah, that's awesome. Oh, please, come on. Nice.

Come on, Colin. Hell yeah, dude. Colin Jost, old pal. Scarlett Johansson.son yeah that's right and then we ended up at some weird restaurant with uh a bunch of like weird virginia millionaires like literally a guy that owns a golf course yeah owns uh a country club that's what it is and like they do not allow women there at the country club. Wow.

Are you allowed to do that still? Yeah. Apparently like because we were trying to figure out who the fuck he is and what his like club is. Yeah. And we found it online. I forget what it's called. It sounds like a racist name too.

It's like Angelwood or something. I forget what it is. But yeah, like they even had a thing where it's like if dignitaries come from another country that come here ambassadors whatever and if they want to play there and they have like women on their security detail they're like they gotta wait outside damn yeah it's crazy that's not that's some like middle eastern shit yeah yeah it's like yeah exactly it's like white guys in middle yeah. Yeah. They are very alike, dude. Yeah. It's hilarious.

They hate each other. And you love oil, too. They both love guns. They both love God. Religion. They both love their country. Women? Keep them out of the country club. Yeah.

They really only want to be around women when they want to fuck and eat. Yeah. Qatar, cut them out of the country club. You know what I mean? They should be friends. They should be. Exactly. It's like Pittsburgh and Baltimore. You know what I mean? you should be friends they should be exactly it's like pittsburgh and baltimore you know what i mean here we are all right uh fuck yeah we're back we are back baby

we're gonna try to make this uh a weekly thing yeah i think we can do that we got uh we got uh we got the full camera set up here we got producer paul on the ones and twos uh there he is there he is oh do you have a mic no mike that's why i do you have a mic we'll get your mic we'll get your mic yeah uh what are we at time wise paul oh yeah i love it let's get let's get in the fucking pool huh uh so yeah follow us uh online i'm at josh kaderna on everything uh instagram twitter tiktok i'm trying to post new clips every monday and uh doing some some sketch stuff and stuff with paul who edits everything he's the man i'm umar khan 821 and i'm not gonna do dates who gives a shit just follow us we post all of our dates come see us live please uh yeah bye bye everybody peace oh i want to we can cut it there but maybe this will be extra content but yeah uh i wanted to

talk about this i just remembered though but mary is getting her oil changed right now and she said she was like this guy that's like supposed to be helping her it's just like he's like oh i don't see what was um what they did for you last time it's not in the system i'm gonna go hunt it down for you i'm gonna sherlock holt she's like okay my guy and then he's like you have really pretty hair he's like she's like all right so she's texting me all this stuff apparently then he goes to her he goes uh he goes uh do you like Panera Bread? Oh, no. Oh, no. She's going to leave me for this guy.

I can't compete with Panera Bread. Imagine hitting on somebody. Talk about the thing with strangers, too. Just being like, so do you like Panera Bread? Yeah, that's amazing, dude. Panera Bread was cool like 25 years ago. When it first came out, where you're like,'re like oh this is healthy It's not McDonald's And then you realize it's exactly like McDonald's

It's all the same shit yeah where it's like soup and a fucking bread bowl Yeah why would Any place where you can eat the bowl After you eat your soup Why would it be healthy The thing that houses the food Yeah just like God American

That's like our parents are like it's so crazy like our parents will tell us like you know like like oh this generation they're stupid they don't have to save money blah blah like you guys were feeding us panera thinking it was healthy you fucking moron happy meals beanie babies you invested in beat you thought beanie babies was your ticket out of your... To be fair, the Beanie Baby for us now is cryptocurrency, though. Yes, I'm not participating. Bitty coin.

Yeah, on my way here, a buddy was like, dude, I just lost half my savings in crypto. I was like, what? Eesh. Eesh. I got me a little crypto, about half a mil, but not much. Yeah, it's not what you're going to do. I'm going to hold on to it. I'm going to hold on to it.

I'm going to hold on to it. We got to get a digression session coin going. My dad, he has back problems and gets kind of stiff. And I'm like, what about stretching? Would you want to stretch in the morning? He goes, Josh, I've never stretched a day in my life. I know. And I'm like, maybe that's why you're back.

Yeah. He's like, maybe that's why you're back. Yeah. He's like, no. That is like toxic masculinity where you're like, you're so manly you won't do something that would help you. Never stretch a day in my life. So funny. Yeah. What do I need to stretch for to get fucked in my age?

Yeah. Like, no. God. All right. We can cut it there bye bye everybody peace