The Digression Sessions - Ep. 349 - Tommy Sinbazo (She Hulk)

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

On this week's episode, Josh and Umar sit down with local comic, podcaster, model, cos player, VR mogul - Tommy Sinbazo! Produced by Paul Hutson.

so on the on the casting house with us yes we have comedian tommy simbaza hi hi it feels so odd because we've been talking already what's up yeah what's up man i like your sunglasses thanks i'm tired i'm keeping them on he's tired yeah he's high as on meth yeah umar it's not a problem. He's a functional meth. It's recreational meth use. It works for him. Just a little bump in the morning. God forbid if Umar hasn't had his morning meth.

Do not talk to him. I have a bug out. I hate meth days. Just scratching your face a ton. Do not talk to him. What if there was a comic called I Hate Rehab? And heroin addicts is the exact opposite. It's like, say everything you need to to me before I shoot up.

Because I'm about to take a long nap. What if you're on a Zoom call and you just tie off your arm? Oh, camera's on. Interesting. And they're like, are you doing heroin? You're like, it's five o'clock somewhere. Remember that guy got caught jerking off on Zoom or something and he worked for CNN. Yeah.

So he got his job back, but then he recently got fired. Did he jerk off? Did he jerk off again? Did he jerk off? Sorry, I'm so used to this. I think he did it like with, I his camera was off but his audio was on so imagine just like because i think they took a break yeah it's just like okay are we going to talk about q4 sales or like by the way when i jerk off i'm so quiet i don't

make any noises when i depends on who's home. It depends on which dog's in the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Pickle, I've trained her since she was a puppy that this is something. Daddy does this. They do say that you've got to raise them young. But Vinny, we inherited Vinny, and I've tried to jerk off on the couch next to Vinny, and Vinny's been like. And I was like, all right. Yeah.

That's rude. That's rude. Cobb doesn't care. Nah, he doesn't know what's happening. He's chill. Yeah, it's. Yeah. That's rude. That's rude. Cobb doesn't care. Nah, he doesn't know what's happening. He's chill. Yeah, it's my dog. He's chill. I assumed.

Yeah. This is my child. This foster kid. He's chill. He's so chill. He's cool. He gets me water. Yeah.

So wait, you're quiet when you're doing it? Like completely silent? Yeah, you're just like, I mean, I'm into it, but I'm not like making noise. I'm not like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one sits in the car. Oh, fuck, yeah. You like that? Treating it like that.

You like that computer screen? Oh, fuck, I'm going to cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to cum. You call your wife, I'm coming. All right, all our female listeners, just stop listening. I think I'm only loud at the end. I don't make any noise.

You just quietly like. Just like a serial killer. I think so. All right. Time to clean that up. Yeah. And I'm finished. I have come.

I am done. Let me close all these windows. Speaking of coming, Tommy, what have you been up to? We're working on our transitions. Do we say you're a local comedian? Yeah, I'm a comic. He's a comic. This is like my third time on the show.

The first time that you get to see me. I'm sorry. Could you just blur me out like I'm Bigfoot? Well, just show your feet, but we'll blur your face. All right. Here's the money makers. Oh, my God. Wow. Did you see that?

Quentin Tarantino said that after watching the She-Hulk series, that he said that he'd be prepared to direct an MCU film. And then under it, it's all these pictures of She-Hulk's feet from the show. Jesus Christ. What is She-Hulk? I don't know anything about it. It looks like a parody thing. It came out, She-Hulk starred in 1983 or something. It honestly also sounds

like a slur. It does, yeah. It's a fucking She-Hulk. It really sounds anti-trans. It does, yeah. I thought when I saw that title, I was like, what the fuck is someone getting a wig?

Have you seen Carl's wife? And Hawk corrects people. It's grown up, Hawk. Are there scenes in the show? Is it a show or a movie? It's a show. Are there scenes where there's a little kid like, is that a lady, Dad?

No, there is one where a little kid goes, I'd smash. No, are you kidding? Yeah, and the last episode, the post-credits scene, she was twerking with Megan Thee Stallion. Yeah. That's tough. What are we teaching?

What do we do? Are we grooming our children? Whatever. This is everything I wanted. Yeah, it works for me I went from 6 to 9 not a full 12 yeah

you didn't jerk off to She-Hulk not yet not yet the day is young but there is there is the call like I'll watch it

and I'll be like Vinny leave the room she's not it's just like the Hulk but she's not green the whole time no she has more

control over her transformation and she's a lawyer and she wants to it sounds it's a comedy it's lady hawk but she's a she's a lawyer as well so she's all business right but she is a lady as well yeah okay all right that's good i like it i like the humor she breaks the fourth wall wait why is she hawk though does she get like she got into a car accident with her cousin, Bruce Banner, and some of his blood got in her, turned her into a Hulk. Sure.

In the comics, it was a mob hit gone wrong, and Bruce Banner had to give her a blood transfusion. Oh. Okay. There's no one else that could give her blood. Zero people, yeah. The only guy that can give her blood is a guy who turns into a Hulk. A giant green man.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Hulk, do the right thing. Damn. Do Hulk get cookie? Jesus. But so I've been keeping busy. I'm building a Mandalorian costume.

You would be. That makes sense. I just, to look cool. You know, for like a comic con So I do a lot of anime and sci-fi conventions To make comedy for those And I'm always I've built armor before

This is not But this isn't even functional armor So I bought a 3D printer Okay that was my next question Is this functional armor What are we doing here But I bought a 3D printer so I could do the helmet. And once I started doing the helmet, I filled in on 98 Rock for two mornings.

And we happened to talk about how I'm building this Mandalorian thing. Happened to talk about it? They brought it up. I wasn't like wearing it. You're like, you know what? I'm fired up for it. All right, Tommy. How about you take off the helmet and tell us about it?

Oh, this? I forget I have it on sometimes. gosh but she she uh they uh she hawk they they there's a group called the mandalorian mercs costume club and it's people that just make mandalorian costumes okay and they go to conventions ball games and everything and they just stand around yeah they're in armor. They stand around looking cool. Kids come up, get pictures taken. And they have certain specifications about how the armor has to be built. So it's like, you have to use this material. Your plates can't be this far apart.

Stuff like that. It's like an HOA, but for dorks to be like, no, no, no. That's not the right mesh. It's a Mando Owner Association, MOA. Of course. But so I was just like, okay, I'm going to build my armor to their specifications, but I'm not joining because I don't want to go to parades and kids hospitals and stuff because I'm a monster. You're like, I'm not a dork. Yeah, I want to just have children's heads on my belt like, oh, I hunt children.

Am I in or no? I'm pro-pedophile. I'm the pro-pedophile Mandalorian. You should sue them for discrimination when they don't let you in. I'm the pedophilorian. You might have heard of me. But they heard me on 98 Rock and then reached out to me and were like, hey, we're having an armor building party on this Sunday coming up. Yeah.

And I was like, where is it? And they gave me the address. I was like, it's 15 minutes from my house. Damn. And I was like, all right, I'll be there. And I went, and there was like 35 people there. And they had a station set up where a woman would take your measurements so that she could start sewing all your costume parts.

They had another guy there that was working on people's templates so you could cut it out of this material. And then they had a shed where people were cutting out and shaping. I remember that, where people were fucking. Yeah. Which was also nice. And there were women there. There were women.

No. Yeah, some Brianna Tarth-looking women. A couple of She-Hawks. Hey, I'm totally into She-Hawks. But yeah, they've been nothing but. And then afterwards, I feel like they are courting me because they've been messaging me like, hey, have you gotten this done and this? And I was like, oh, you're making me feel special.

Wow, that is fascinating. It's just a stand around and look cool club. There's old LARPers, like people that used to do the LARP fighting. Yeah, live action role play. There's that aspect, but there's not the testosterone that comes with it. Gotcha. In the fake sword fighting. Yeah.

In the pillow fighting. There's so much testosterone. There's a lot of testosterone out there. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's all these guys that are good at pillow fighting, and we'll just walk up into your can and go, hey, I'm Baron Von Berenvlies. You guys need to bow to me.

Knight of the third realm. Yeah. And I'll put down my beer, and I'm like, I'm Baron Von Berenvlies. You guys need to bow to me. Knight of the third realm. Yeah, and I'll put down my beer. I'm like, I'm just going to hit. I have hit a guy with a folding chair at one of those things. Oh, that's fun. Because I just got to this week long. They're like, hey, those aren't allowed. I just got to this week long camp or the weekend camp out.

Yeah. And I get there at 10 o'clock at night, Friday night. You have to set your tent up in the dark. I can't even get dressed or anything. So I finally get everything set up. I just sit down at the campfire with my friends and I'm just starting to drink and this guy comes in and he was like hey give me your flag and we're like and I was like dude you can I swear to god you can have it in the morning just yeah right now just you got to get out and he was like no I want your flag now and he had like a fake spear aimed at you no

like he was standing outside like the ring of people but is this allowed this is technically it is allowed we are you're like hey bro um you're like like no i'm yeah i'm not even i'm not even dressed yet like i'm still wearing a t-shirt and shorts but he's like hey you gotta always be he's like hey always gotta be prepared got to give me your shit. Rules are rules. You can steal people's stuff. You can take their flag, and then you get points for their banner and stuff. But so I told him, I tried as much as I could.

I was like, dude, please just get out. Yeah. And he was like, no. And then he started just stabbing people at the fire. With his little foam thing? Yeah, just killing them. And so I. Do people have to be like, all right. Yeah, they're drinking their beer like all right you got me i'm dead i guess i can't

stop you from taking our flag and when he got around to me i stood up folded my folding chair back into like a rod and then hockey checked him nice like into a tree holy shit and he was like and then i was like no and but at that point i was he and i was like get the fuck out of my camp and he was like and like ran ran off and then i got in a bunch of shit for that because like the next day they were like that his country his unit that they were coming over like dude what's this we hear you hit him with a chair i was like he wouldn't get out hey man you really hurt braving claw's feelings dude His name was Hound Hound's pretty He's mad

You need to apologize to Hound And I was like Absolutely not 100% Wow No way Yeah Yeah he sounds like a real asshole

I mean I was the asshole I don't think so But he's like Hey give me your flirts Yeah It wasn't Yeah Ah well

Well listen You have a new group now I do I have a new group of friends That's right I'm just dipping my toe in for now But they are going to suck me in, I know it Oh, they're going to suck you, alright They're going to parade around their chihots

Oh, your arm is so nice I'm like, really? Let me see your microphone I mean, it is nice To make new friends As an adult People, I think I don't know, it is nice to make new friends as an adult. I don't know what it is. I'm like, I got enough friends.

I don't need a new group of friends. I just don't have the time for it. But this is like a hobby thing. Yeah. But when I perform at MAGFest every year. Right. Sure. I don't know what that is.

MAGFest is a music and gaming festival. It's the largest gaming and musical festival on the East Coast. So it's not just for magazines. No. It's at the Gaylord National Harbor. Okay. Yeah. And it's basically three days of just you do mushrooms, you get high, you get drunk,

you go see video game bands. They have a whole thing that's an arcade, a warehouse that's a free play arcade. Brian and I went to – we were there one year just walking around trying to see what we can get into. We saw another group of friends that we know. We're like, hey, where are you guys going? It was like 11 o'clock at night. They're like, oh, we're going up. There's a suite party.

There's a party up in a suite. So we're like, okay. So we go up to this suite, and the guy opens the door and you can already tell it's dark in there and like fog rolls out yeah he's wearing an open he's wearing an open robe and like like cheetah print like banana hammock and he was like oh hey what's going on guys come on in didn't even see you there and we walk in he's touching each of us as we go by i'm like okay he's fucking funny then when we get in there it's just each of us as we go by. I'm like, okay, he's fucking a molly or something. Then when we get in there, it's just musky in there.

Yeah. And there's all these people just in their underwear and stuff. And I was like. Oh, it's an orgy. Yeah. I was like, Brian, this is an orgy. Thousand percent. We're at an orgy, right?

And so Brian and I are just sitting there while people are like. So Brian and I are fucking. Brian, we're going to have to give each other the hand jobs. Just so we blend in. Oh, love a mess. What an orgy. What a great soft talk I have in my head. Do you like Superman? I do as well.

So we're sitting there and then for some reason that year, this whole group of like Baltimore Rock Opera Society people, they got into bay blades like the spinning top battle game bay blades yes i remember that let it rip and they yeah yeah okay and so we're there this thing that's clearly an orgy right and then you hear someone go oh and he slams down a arena a bay blade arena on this table in the middle of this orgy. And they start going, woo, let it rip!

They're doing that and dollars are being thrown like it's some back alley Saigon. And it's totally ruining the orgy vibe. Hey guys, come on. People are like, oh, zipping up and leaving like, oh, Beyblades. Alright. So yeah, we went to

a Beyblade orgy at a MAGFest. Yeah, this is why people need to have kids, I think. But I really feel like any convention is an excuse to fuck. You would think there's other... From video games to... Dude, like the National Association of School Psychologists. Yes.

People go there... I'm not a loser. I don't hang out there. I've only went once. But first of all, it's an insane amount of money to go to these conferences. It's like $500 to $600. Jesus. And then you have to pay for a hotel. You're going to a new city.

So you're getting a hotel, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, there's all these after parties. And everyone's like, dude, the after parties are wild. That's what people go to see a bar. We've all been to a bar they're like it's just it's just so funny like when you're work people like yeah they're just like we drank last night you're like cool man like we got hammered at the hotel bar all my co-workers who are moms like like literally every time they have a drink they have to take a picture of like

their wine glass like mommy's having a drink. It's wine time. I'm so bad. I'm like, you've been doing this for 15 years. Fuck those kids. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? But yeah, no.

So they're like, the after party's a while. Do people have sex? I'm like, cool, man. Yeah. Yeah. That's where Neil deGrasse Tyson got in trouble. Yeah. Did he?

Yeah. Did he get caught in an orgy? You didn't see him in that? He was like, let it rip! Inappropriate touching. I know a girl, he went up to her and she had a tattoo of a constellation. He was like, oh wow, what do you got there?

And he just rubbed his dick across it. This is the Big Dipper. And she's like, don't touch me. And he's like, oh, I just love the stars. It's like, uh-huh. I just love the stars. It's like, uh-huh. I just love the stars. You know what you're doing. Yeah.

I love how people, guys, like, what a weird excuse. Like, oh, no, no, no. I wasn't being creepy by touching you without your permission. No, I'm actually really cool. But I'm just so into the galaxy. Yeah. What if Neil deGrasse Tyson wouldn't come back to my hotel room? I'd put glow-in-the-dark star stickers on the ceiling.

If I turn the lights off, it looks really cool. I also have a couple glow-in-the-dark dinosaurs. If you believe in that. Which I don't. Is he still around, Neil deGrasse Tyson? People like him still? I think so. He's so annoying.

I don't know he's as much in the news anymore. Yeah. I think Bill Nye's having another resurgence. Oh, really? I saw some headline that said in the news anymore. Yeah. I think Bill Nye's having another resurgence. Oh, really? I saw some headline that said, the end is nigh. And I know that he has some show coming out where he's like, the planet's dying. I tried to warn you. The end is nigh.

And we're like, Bill, Bill, Bill. Stop chanting my name. You rock. Making baking soda to volcanoes. The ocean levels are rising. the baking soda is that why bill bill bill uh all right so you're making the suit you made this microphone yeah um you just love making shit though you can't stop making things uh it's a compulsion which is part of my my doctor just way just came out and said that

I was autistic no build up or anything she was just like I made some jokes you weren't even at an appointment she's at the grocery store this is my autistic patient what you made a joke I made a joke because she wanted me to get these

since I don't have a spleen I'm very susceptible to pneumonia, which is why COVID kicked my ass the first time I got pneumonia. Why don't you have a spleen? Did a belly flop off of a jungle gym and landed on a railroad tie when I was 23? Wait. When you were 23? What?

Sorry. I thought it was going to be when I was. You were in a jungle gym and there was a railroad? Okay. So I was at a LARPing practice. Yes. And for people, LARPing is live action role play. That's where people dress up and fake fight. Well, the fighting is real.

I was really beating people. I know. The fighting is real. Yeah. The passion is real. The scar's real, Umar. He doesn't have a spleen, man. Damn, dude.

I'm sorry. No, but it was at a field next to a playground. And afterwards, we were on the playground equipment. And my buddy Jose was running and jumping off the top of this playground equipment, 12 feet down to the ground, landing flat on his feet. And going, fuck, that hurts. And I was like, dude, you're supposed to tuck and roll. So next time he did it, he landed flat on his feet, pause, and then tucked and rolled.

I was like, no, you have to crumple into it and roll. In fluid motion. And he was like, you do it. And I was like, no, I'll hurt myself. Yeah. And he was like, no, you won't. I said, I'll run, put my foot on that bar. That bar's going to spin, and I'm going to fall straight down.

And I was like, I'm not doing it. So I'm up there about to do it. Yeah. And everything in me is screaming don't do this yeah yeah yeah and I just I remember thinking to myself don't think just jump don't think just jump don't think just jump so stupid I ran put my foot on the bar the bar spun and I ended up I fell uh and did a belly flop onto a railroad tie that was holding in the mulch so it hit my rib cage, and my rib cage went

and it ruptured my spleen. My spleen exploded. So I had internal bleeding. They had to take me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for two weeks as they removed my spleen. Two weeks? Oh my God. Were you still in all your life?

There's my scar. Damn, that's a big one, dude. Were you still in your armor life there's my scar damn that's a big one dude were you still like in like your armor like your night no i was if i was i'd have been okay if i was wearing armor i'd have been fine but uh that's the lesson here how bad did that hurt what's when i hit all it did was knock the wind out of me right uh-huh and then i was like they i was laying face down for so long not breathing because the wind got knocked. They were like, oh, my God, I think he's dead. And I turned over and was like.

And then it just felt like a knot. Like it felt like there was a knot. Did your buddy dunk on you, though? He's like, yeah, just talk your role. He felt wrong. He felt bad. Yeah. Guilty for like the longest time because he was the one

that pushed me into doing it i was like no i knew what was gonna happen yeah i did it yeah but uh so funny story about that is um so you guys know that tommy simbazo isn't my real name right you guys know i don't know that okay so there's no such thing as it's sami timbaza yeah it's yes yeah uh it's a riddle if i say it backwards i go back to my dimension uh no but i was born thomas douglas lear jr and lear is the german spelling so there's an h in there uh and people always try to be like oh they want to pronounce that h in my whole life they would fuck up my last name so my um so then when i was 23 i fall lose my spleen couple years later i dated a cuban girl okay used to call me tommy cimbasa which is tommy without spleen in spanish oh so then my first open mic uh they they were like uh now come on stage tommy

so at the second open michael's like, just put down Tommy Cimbozzo. Nice. You're like a black comic. Yeah. I can't say anything about Apple Scrap, Short Bus Shorty. I can't say anything about him because I have a stage name. Yeah. That's so funny.

Dude, speaking of like a jumping story, we talked about it on the last podcast. I was at Mark Norman's bachelor party saw that rented a pool bullet whatever blah blah so we're all pretty drunk it's the last day and uh mark gets up comes on the other side of the railing on the balcony he's gonna jump into this pool yeah first of all is the pool like four feet yes four maybe five then not only that yeah not only that it's it's not big pool yeah then he still has to clear a good bit of concrete so so these idiots i'm like inside while this i come outside i'm like what the fuck are you guys doing and they're all like dude like the photographer's like, yeah, it'll be fine. He's down there for the shot. Just to make sure it's safe, they put cushions from like the chairs on the concrete.

Also, you're on the other side of the railing. So his feet, there's like this much room to place your feet. So he can't even bend over because if he bends over. He climbed over the bed. His butt is touching the railing. So he can't even like push push, jump to propel yourself. So he's up there for like five to ten minutes, and we're all like, I don't know, dude. I don't think you should do it, but if you want to do it, do it.

And it was just like – and I was like, I don't think – I didn't want to say it out loud, but in my head, I was like, dude, don't do – you're going to ruin your career. This is insane yeah yeah um then burt was uh burt and joe de rosa were out like grabbing food or something so burt comes back and he's like and burt's fucked up and even fucked up burt was like what the he's like what do you do he's like dude what are you doing if burt's the voice of reason you're like all right yeah he's like this is not good you're gonna break both your heels you're gonna fuck up your career like yeah you're you're like this is stupid don't do this and yeah he did i was like thank you didn't do it oh you didn't do it you should have did it that'd be great if he would like ladies and gentlemen mark normandy calls out but do you uh you had a great time yeah that it's just like

first of all like who are you doing this for? Yeah. You know? Yeah. Also, it's like a kind of cool picture. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's fine.

You know? It would hurt so bad. Yeah. He would break his fucking legs. If you break your heels, you're fucked for a long time. Yeah. There was a comic who did that. Shane Moss.

Shane Moss. Yeah. Yeah. He used him as he was like, dude, remember Shane Moss? That's who I was just thinking about. He was doing well. He fucking idiot went like, well, he was a comic who did that, Shane Moss. Shane Moss, yeah. Burt used him as he was like, dude, remember Shane Moss? That's who I was just thinking about, yeah. He was doing well, he fucking idiot. Well, he was hiking and I don't think, right? He was hiking or did he jump off something?

Yeah, well, he was hiking, I think in like Arizona and they jumped from rock to rock and it was the same thing where it was two guys and the one guy is like, yeah, you should just jump. He's like, I don't know. And then he jumps and as soon as he hits the ground he breaks both of his heels he goes don't jump i broke both my heels like and then yeah he had to go like move in with his parents and do all this surgery and shit and like yeah that's insane

yeah i was speaking of which have you jumped off i was just about to say i have not jumped off the roof for that reason because i'm like god i, I want to jump off the roof into the pool. You can make it. Your pool is like... I'm looking at it now. I don't think you're a pussy. Your pool is 12 feet deep almost. It's definitely like 8 to 9 feet deep. It's more so getting from the roof

the little sidewalk in between. You could do it. I just think you could just fuck up your roof. Yeah, that's too i don't want to run put my foot in and then it goes through the roof then i tumble you know what i mean yeah that could happen yes yeah because you'd have to get a running start i would i don't feel confident just standing on the edge and be like you know yeah um when i've never jumped off of a thing into water except for a diving board like when even when i see people out like on cliffs i jumped off a cliff i love water except for a diving board. Even when I see people out on cliffs, I jumped off a cliff. I love that shit,

dude. I'll never do that. You can't swim? No, not strong and not jump off a cliff into the ocean. I'll be okay. But I bet if you jumped off the roof in the deep end, you'd be fine. I will never. This is how you learn. I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen. When I was a kid...

Then Burt Kreischer comes in. He's hammered in a golf happen. When I was a kid. Then Burt Kreischer comes in. What are you doing? He's hammered in a golf cart. When I was a kid, I don't know. Maybe I was like five or six. I was at daycare. And we had the monkey bars. And all the cool kids were from the monkey bars. They would jump to like the third or fourth rung.

Yeah. You know? And then I was like. These guys are cool as shit. Yeah. I was like, I want to be cool. I go to do it i just smack my teeth into the first bar so i jump break both my teeth at daycare and then my mom had to pick

me up and she said it was so she's like first of all it's horrendous because you're hurt but she has to drive me to the dentist and so i'm just in the car we're at a stoplight there's blood all over me and i'm like banging on the window in the car next to it's like what the fuck did you do to this kid but yeah i had to get daddy like remove the like pieces i had two fake uh teeth for a long time holy baby teeth though i think so maybe i don't know grew new adult teeth i mean I'm pretty sure these are real, I think. But yeah, it was horrendous. Yeah, I haven't been hurt like that in a long, you know, like taking like a fall. Let's jump off that roof, man.

I mean, how am I doing? That roof, it might be deceptively. Once you're up there, it looks a little different to all seven. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, we could try it. Why don't you build an extension so that you just have to slide off of it yeah i mean maybe for some patreon content yeah i don't know hit that subscribe button you just start inviting local comics to come and just break their heels don't worry we have a digression sessions wheelchair waiting for you yeah damn dude

that's wild that would be fun though uh but wait so we started with the spleen thing and then i think that let me tell you let me tell you this so the other day was friday i was out working on the armor plates of course for the mandalorian armor yes uh my neighbor who i've met a handful of times her name's vanessa she see she goes and takes trash out right and she goes morning goes, Morning, Tim! And in that moment, I was like, I can either correct her now, or she can spend the rest of her life thinking my name is Tim.

And I was like, Morning, Vanessa! Good to see you! So she just thinks I'm Tim. Let her ride. It was too uncomfortable. I'll just be Tim from now on. I've been calling, you know, Elena, the comic in DC, I've been calling her Alana forever. She's never corrected me.

Three weeks ago, I was talking and I was like, yeah, Alana, blah, blah. People were like, dude, her name's Elena. I was like, holy shit. I've been calling and she's never corrected me. I was about to be like, who cares? But then I'm like, if somebody's like, what's up, Josh? I'd be like, well, Josh. I mean, you're not wrong. I was like, if somebody's like, what's up, Josh? I'd be like, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,

you're not wrong. All right. I was like, shit. Yeah. I felt so bad. Yeah, that's the tricky thing about neighbors.

And that's like the, I always say this, like snow days are the days where you all, where you relearn your neighbor's names. Yeah. Cause you're all out there shoveling and you, someone has to be like, I'm sorry.

Yeah. I don't remember you. And then you'd be like, ah, it's okay. I don't remember you. And then you'd be like, it's okay. I don't know yours. The neighbors that live down the hill there, I saw them and I know the dude's name, but I forgot his wife's name. But I was like,

how are you? How you doing? Good to see you. And then he was like, yeah, you guys should come over one night and we'll have drinks or whatever. I was like, alright. So he's like, do you have my number? I was like, no. So I texted him my number. He texted back. He was like, yeah, you guys should come over one night, and we'll have drinks or whatever. He's like, all right. So he's like, do you have my number? He's like, no. So I texted him my number. He texted back.

He was like, name, Josh, because his name's Josh, too. Then he's like, wife, Rachel. Then the names of his three kids. I'm like, this is kind of weird but helpful at the same time. No, that's pro move. Yeah, like the whole information card. Somebody taught me my neighbors. I felt so bad because they moved in

and they learned our names real quick and it was it took me a while and um i was leaving to do a gig one time and i like heard this guy like i was getting dressed from and i heard this guy like just yeah like oh i was masturbating yeah that's how he does it so i look out in in um hey neighbor i'm coming hey omar i'm coming so there's just this heroin addict just going nuts in the middle of the street and it's like and i'm like ah this sucks uh so then i hear it stop and i'm like oh shit he died so now he's just he's laying flat on his back yeah flat on his back in the middle of the street and i'm like wow i can't move my car so i have to call like 911 all the neighbors are out because we're like i have an emergency

i can't move my car. Yeah. Did this guy just die? And then my neighbor who I've talked to multiple times, I just didn't even recognize him. And he was like, does this thing happen a lot in this neighborhood? And I, because I saw him walk, I just thought there were people walking to a restaurant around the corner.

And I was like, do you live here? And he was like, dude, I'm your name we've talked he got like legitimately upset yeah i was like oh shit i'm sorry dude i'm sure like psych he taught you on punked that's a camera that's my dad yeah i was like do you live here he lives right there yeah he he um he was like we've moved around a lot, and we do this thing where whenever we learn a neighbor's name, we immediately text it to each other. So I started doing that, and it works. You're like, oh, Kevin, I'll text Karen, Kevin, and Emily. I remember because when I moved in, this guy, Tim, up the street said he had a bunch of tools.

We're Tim, though. There's two Tims uh but so i remember him as tim the tool man tim the tool man and then there was a guy rob uh that is a an electrician and the reason i remember that it's rob is because one night we were coming to the house uh at nine o'clock at night and the door was cracked open and there was a light on and so i pulled my box cutter and i kicked open the door and come running in and it was apparently the uh the rental or the the realtor had gotten robbed to come and fix my wall okay but i didn't know he was going to be i thought he was robbing my home and so i run in with a box car and he was like

and i was like oh i'm so sorry I'm just fixing your wall so now I remember Rob because he tried to rob me oh yeah stabby Rob buddy so sorry box cutter I'll be like I'll be like robbing my house I'll be at a party and I think my brain just doesn't want to hear people's names because i'll be like hey what's up uh which i'm umar what's your name and then like right when they i'm and i'm like i'm like oh i didn't listen yeah immediately yeah it's like really it like just recycles in and out like yeah it's so bad dude today somebody waved at me i was at a coffee shop and today somebody waved at me. I was at a coffee shop.

And somebody waved at me. And I looked over. And I had no idea who it was. Had my sunglasses on just pretending like I didn't see him. And I just kept – I walked right by him. And then I see her turn to her boyfriend and just go like, okay. I'm just like, fuck you too then. I have no idea.

They're also your neighbor. Yeah. So at that armor-making party that I went to, one of the guys there was like, Tommy. And I'm like, yeah. Can you go away with it? Can you be like, Mandalorian? I'm very good. I'm very good at being like, hey, how's it going?

How you been? What's up? And he was like, it's me, Josh. Or it's me, John. And I'm like, yeah, I know. And he was like, Pat's friend. I'm like, of course I know. Yeah. I'm like, I'm Pat's friend. Pat's me, Josh. Or it's me, John. And I'm like, yeah, I know. And he was like, Pat's friend. I'm like, of course I know. Yeah.

Maybe Pat's friend. Pat's friend, yes. Yeah. And then I got home and he had sent me a friend request. And then I looked to see, I was like, who's Pat? Who's Pat Stewart? It was Pat Coffey. Oh, wow.

From DC. I'm like, how would you just drop Pat Coffey? Somebody you haven't seen in like seven years, too. You're like, what? Yeah, you know Pat. Pat Coffey. Somebody you haven't seen in like seven years, too. You're like, what? Yeah, you know Pat. Pat Coffey. I haven't seen him in a long time. I've been running into him at conventions.

Does he still do comedy? No, he just dresses up and goes to these conventions. He goes in costumes. Nice. He's dressed like Wario. That's pretty good, actually. That's pretty good for him. Comedy is like school because you're like or something like you're

like what's that person up to you know there's all these people who come in and out of your life over the course of comedy class of comedians too like you're all in the same group there's people that just drop off like after six months they just drop out yeah yeah like who's somebody who dropped out that you're like whoa whoa? Tim Heckle. Yeah. Well, didn't he go down to North Carolina? I think he does improv now, though. Yeah, he started improv. Do you know he used to do improv with Dusty Slay?

That's crazy. They were in a troupe together. That's awesome. Isn't that incredible? He used to be, Tim, he used to come over to my house and he was one of my writing partners. Whoa, you like wrote stand-up together? Yeah. Oh, wow.

In the very early days. Oh, nice. And he had just notebooks notebooks he would come over with all these composition notebooks and we're like is this anything is this anything so funny because tim heckle is a very rory scoville-esque where it doesn't even seem like him sitting down and writing a joke makes sense yeah like he just riffs he's all energy riff one of the funniest people i've ever met oh my god easily one of the funniest people i've ever met in my life tim like dude i remember the sidebar open mic that was like our heyday yeah baltimore comedy or at

least like that's like the fondest memories that was like the mic yeah yeah and you know it's funny because it's like there's like you were saying there's different classes so like i remember you know when like our people kind of moved on from sidebar yeah and i was living with a couple comics and they're like dude sidebar is awesome blah blah i'm like shit i gotta go back and i go back i'm like oh this sucks and then but the thing is is when we were doing it it sucked and there's probably older comics who heard us talking about it and we're like dude cyborg mike is like amazing and then they go like oh these guys are losers yeah like it was like this is a circle jerk tim and stav wrestled one night on stage this is amazing no it was tim and um it wasn't it was it was like the other comic who moved to

new york uh tim his also name was also tim right tim unkenholtz tim unkenholtz they wrestled every dude so this was great like dude like so he tim Heckle got so lax about hosting this mic. He would just like someone would get off stage. Typically, a host goes back up on stage, introduces the next comic. Who also says give it up for so-and-so. Yeah. Now we're bringing up. Dude, a comic will get off stage.

Tim from the bar would just be sitting at the bar with a drink like, all right, stop. You're next. Get up there. get up there! And then he would never let this comic, Tim Unkenholtz, he would never let him do a set. Every time Unkenholtz got on stage,

he would wrestle him. That's incredible. Every time. He drove once, there was a mic at the Baltimore Comedy Factory factory back when it was on uh lumbar yeah yeah and above berks yeah yeah and uh it's like a royal farms now i think we went there and alex powers was on stage and i had tim and i drove together to go to the soap mic we go there alex powers on stage she tells some jokes she was like I don't think I think we should just

get rid of pennies I don't like pennies I don't like to and like the crowd was like she was like no it's not what you she was like

I don't like them because they're useless and they're brown and the crowd was like whoa what are we doing no no no I don't like Mexicans

and the crowd was like whoa and Tim was like go start the fucking car go start we gotta get the fuck out of here dude when I was doing Chuckle Storm with Alex which was like we turned into like a live like talk show

at the auto bar we were working out a bit with Alex cause he's not circumcised so we were doing gross hell yeah so we were trying to like riff on coming up with a bit because every month we try to do like new bits and like visual gags and yeah and so we're like oh you're not circumcised we should get into a conversation about it be like well prove it i

don't believe you and then he'll turn around and then instead of whipping out his dick he'll just pull out one of his balls which he did and again the crowd was like and then we brought up tim as the next guest he's like i bet you guys thought that was gonna fucking and just roasted us he was like you really thought bringing out a ball he's like you boys oh my god it was yeah it was amazing that was like the best that was like truly the best like that was so fun yeah we were still like excited i think that's like the funnest part like or the funniest thing is like look comedy is still super fun but there is like the older you get you have a more um you know you just have a more realistic approach to it. More realistic approach. And then it's also, it's like there's other stuff that fulfills you as well.

Yeah. You have like a home, a wife, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But yeah, that was the best because you're like, those are the days you're like, oh, I'm going to be famous. Or like, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, we're doing it. We're doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're doing it. And then you're like. I heard T-Brad said there's an industry scout going to be at high top. Yeah. Dave Schoffer said he might feature me. So we'll see. But that's the one good thing about. I think the local scenes are so much better.

For some reason, I don't know why local comedy was run by these older schlubby white dudes who didn't. They all lied about their credentials. They all lied about how much experience they had doing comedy. And then they would be these gatekeepers. We're like, essentially we're kids. We're in our early 20s

and they're treating us like dog shit. And for some reason we were like, oh my god, yes, I'm sorry. I'll take a three minute set at high tops at 11 p.m on a sunday yeah or like i remember like dave chauffeur uh made a rule that comics aren't allowed to leave the show until it's over and that if we do we have to ask i was like fuck this if you was not to me now this is is how I would respond. I'd be like, for sure, dude. I would do my set and then I would just fucking leave. And if you say something, I'd be like, blow me.

Right. Also, too, you can't leave. You're saying I cannot leave. Yeah, but comedy club, not any of the ones that I work at. It's the same vibe. You just get treated like shit by clubs sometimes. But the exposure. Because there's certain people who they know they have this power over you,

and they'll just talk to you like you're a piece of shit. I remember the only time I ever did Kazi's. Lorraine wasn't there. She wasn't there that weekend. Kazi's is Richmond. Yeah. Yeah, I've never done it. Or Newport News. I thought it was't there. She wasn't there that weekend. Kazi's is Richmond. Yeah. Yeah. I've never done it.

Or Newport News. I thought, yeah. It's out there. Yeah. So they had this woman that was a regular. That's it. She was just a regular. She watched my set, and after each one of my sets, she'd be like, you said pussy five

times. I'm telling Lorraine. And would just go and tell Lorraine. You can't tell her I had a good set. I did great. You have to tell set. Yeah, exactly. Being like he said it five times. Is that the word clean? Lorraine didn't say anything about me having to work clean. This woman just

took it upon herself. This woman just took it upon herself. Can you say pussy five times? Yeah. Paul, did you get that? Okay. Yeah, but that's what i'm saying you still have to do because we're in this like thing where yeah we scare we look we we all want work yes and we're not in a position to like make demands or even ask for respect no because they're like well

fuck this guy and also too there's a million of us that would rap that would do it exactly there's another one that was disposable yes yeah exactly yeah dude it's i remember i was doing a uh i won't say where or who but i was doing a show the the person running the show it's their show it's their venue um i was hosting and i was supposed to do 10 minutes oh this is ramin. This sounds like a Ramin story to me. Classic Ramin. They were like, when do you want the light? I said, give it to me at 8. I get the light. I do two more minutes. I wrap it up.

I get off stage. I just get reamed. He's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm like, what? He's like, dude, you did 15 minutes. I'm like, you gave me the light. He was like, yeah. He's like, I got there. You were already 12 on stage. I was like, well, that's not... He was like, I got busy. He's like i got there you were already 12 on stage i was like well that's not he was like i got busy he's like well yeah you've been doing this long enough you shouldn't

i was like no no you give me the light and then it's like but then here's the thing i can't in i wish i said nothing and i was like i'm sorry dude that's because if you're like fuck you you fucked up you don't get to work you won't work again yeah they'll just be like oh you but you can just be talked to like any way you want or like any way someone wants to talk to you because also there's not an hr either yeah sure it's just like but i'm asking for just like uh uh just some decent like humanity where yeah we're all scared we all want to work this venue and you fucked up and you're taking out on me but also his whole argument is flawed where he's like you should know it's like well why did you ask me when i want the light anyway

yeah there should be no light if that's true exactly i also hate when like when like if you're headlining a show and they're like uh they're giving out time so like all right you do 10 you do 15 josh uh you just do whatever yeah no, yeah. No, give me a fucking time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I will ramble until I get to the... I also want to build a set properly. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Yeah, you just have fun up there. Yeah, or they're like, yeah, you do 20 or whatever.

If you're doing great. If you're feeling it. Just keep going. Yeah, they're like, no, just let me know. Just, that's fine. Give me a light two minutes before I'm supposed to stop

and I'll stop two minutes later. Yeah. Yeah. Even if I, any light I see, if someone lights a candle, I'm off. I'm done. stop and I'll stop two minutes later. Yeah. Even if any light I see, if someone lights a candle, I'm off. I'm done. Last time. I guess we could tell the story,

but we can probably clean it up. Uh-oh. Remember you brought that story when we were all... Paul, mark the time. We were... Me, you... It was me, you, and Tommy hanging out at a bar at Club Charles after one of the shows.

Yeah. And this was years ago. My girlfriend at the time was in India. And there's a lot of like... Sexual assault. Sexual assault that happens in India. First I'm hearing of it, fellas. We were just like riffing.

Worldly? Yeah. And look, this is just a group of friends making jokes to themselves. Yeah, comics do whatever we can to make each other laugh. Yeah. Nothing's out of bounds. There's no PC. We're bad boys.

I think it was like somebody made a joke like, oh, are you going to feel like your girlfriend's ugly if she doesn't get assaulted in India? Someone made that joke. Who said India? Someone made that joke. Who said that? Someone made that very funny joke. Some hilarious person. So, which, you know, it's not like something we would say in front of other people. Into a microphone.

Yeah, just a group of friends hanging out, you know. We're laughing and just a random woman comes by and she's like, what are you guys laughing about? I love to laugh. And we're laughing and oh just a random woman comes by and she's like what are you guys laughing about i love to laugh and we're like ah you don't want a weird psycho thing to say we tried to be like you don't know it's just it's not like uh it's not as like you know it's just dark humor yeah it's like no guys i don't i love jokes so i think like I think Tommy was like, okay. No, it was you. It was you.

Oh, was it me? It was you that were like, okay. So... Yeah, and I was like, I can see you saying it. Be like, all right. We thought it was funny if my girlfriend in India got blank, blank, blank.

And this woman was... She didn't get it. Yeah. Bitch. Apparently her sense of humor... She sounds like a bitch, dude. doesn't have a good sense of humor. Yeah. And boy, oh boy, like.

That's why it's just guys hanging out. You know what I mean? I wonder why these guys are belly laughing. Yeah. At a bar. And then we talked. She was like, oh, well, I have been the victim of sexual. And Umar's like, no, we're not.

Yeah, it's horrible. It's horrible. We're's horrible that's not the point oh I forgot that happened yes that's horrible I think about that once a day I didn't remember that story until

the last show we did together right when you started I was like oh I remember this now. But now, yeah. I've had so many moments like that. I'm going to tell that story at your wake. Yeah, please. If I outlive you.

Yeah. If you outlive me, please come and tell them the hilarious joke. What a psycho thing to do. Would you ever do that? Walk by random people and be like, what are you guys laughing at? No. First of all, why would you invite yourself

into that conversation? Like, what a psycho thing. Way to make it about her. You know what is funny about this story? Guys do always complain. We're like, ugh. Guys have to do all the work in talking to women. And then this is the one time where she's like.

I don't think she was hitting on us. I'm going to get my pussy eaten. What's your boys laughing about? Woo! But is she cool? I'm just was gonna let you eat my pussy this is like the one instance where a woman goes out of her way to start a conversation at a bar with strangers she could have thought one of us were cute and we're like hey you know what's funny this guy's girlfriend getting sexually assaulted and yeah that's why women hate men

that'll teach her girlfriend getting sexually assaulted. And yeah, that's why women hate men. Yeah, fair. And then also, That'll teach her. It is, but it's just like, because that is what a lot of women think, like that is what a lot of women like who probably like say like men are scum. They just think like men hang out at bars

telling jokes like that. But being serious about it though, like 24-7, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't, I'll just put this out. I didn't want her to get sexually assaulted. Paul, cut that part out. I didn't want her

to get sexually assaulted. See a clock moving behind you. That was just like a fun time. I remember that. That feels like forever ago when you were dating that girl. 2011. That was when you and Stav were hosting that show

at Super Comedy. Not Mercury. What theater? Yellow Sun. That was such a fun show. I know. It felt good to hear on Comptown they mentioned how good that show was. I was like, oh, that's nice. It was great. And then being able to go right into Club

Charles right there, it was awesome. Yeah, it was a good time. I remember it was the last time I was on there. Club Charles right there, it was awesome. Yeah, it was good times. Back door, yeah. I remember it was the last time I was on there. I asked the crowd, I was like, give me a topic, and I will freestyle rap about it. And someone in the crowd was like, 9-11. It's 9-11. And I was like, okay.

Do you remember any of the lines? I don't remember any of it. I wish we had that on video. I'm doing Twin Towers and I'm here to sing. I'm about to go down in a big way. It's not... It didn't go over well. Yeah? No.

These people didn't like hip-hop. They were... More of a country audience? If I had done a country song. I riffed... I had like the the the most like innocuous

9-11 joke it's just like a throwaway line at the end of one of my bits I was joking about like having diarrhea on a plane and I say like

yeah no it was a true story but I you know I have all these we know you're gonna blow this up yeah yeah yeah

I'm gonna blah blah blah and then the last line is like 9-11 was a good thing. Because it's me yelling all these things about having to shit. Like, I'm about to explode. I'm going to blow up the bathroom. 9-11 was a good thing. Yeah. That line,

this lady, like, almost started crying. It was insane. She's like, it's not a good thing. It was already, the set was not going well. It was like one of these pussy- rooms in dc and um like time to throw out the 9-11 humor you know these people deserve a 9-11 so this so um there's a woman in the front like this asian woman just i could tell she was like not digging me and um. It was like 20 people in this very tiny... Did you tell her that you were also Asian?

Yes. Well, so something happened. Something happened early on where I made a fat joke. They didn't like it. Okay. Then I did the 9-11 thing. i did this karen uh i did a karen joke okay and because my wife's name is karen and i have referenced like the black people cookout thing the asian chick really hated that yeah and oh earlier the asian chick had like heckled me and i

like was taught i thought she was we were fucking around but she got upset oh okay so then I did the Karen black people thing I see this woman she's on her phone and I was like oh man she hates me she's on her phone and she then the Asian woman goes I'm trying really hard to not to like you and then the woman

was like the woman who got offended at the 9-11 joke was like I am too me too it's a fucking support group now and then I was like what did I say to you and she was like well the 9-11 joke like killed me

well it didn't kill me but it really hurt me and I don't think that's something you should joke about and it's like yo the fact that she's throwing out kill, like a 9-11 joke killed me. It's like you flew a plane into my heart. It killed three other,

3,000 other people. It's like a building's on fire and I can't get to the bottom floor so I have to jump off the building. We're in DC, she's got a family that was at the Pentagon or even she's from New York. I don't know, but even then, it's like, lady, I didn't say like all I said was like it was just a throwaway line. It was a buildup of outrageous things.

It's also not the crux of the bit. You don't open by saying 9-11 is a good thing. Here's five points on that. It's just why it's like, yeah. But, yeah, you're saying things about pooping that could be considered terrorist type threats. And then the third beat you hit them with.

The most ridiculous one. I wonder if you can... Would I get kicked off of a plane? Because it's not illegal. I'm not saying a bomb or anything. I just stood up and was like, 9-11 was a good thing.

Yeah, you're done. And then I see, because there's nothing... You get tasered. Bro, they're duct taping you to the chair. Let's do one of those First Amendment videos. I'm a First Amendment surveyor. Like guys that get pulled over by the cops. They're like, what are you doing, huh? Oh, I don't have to

show you my license. I don't have to do that. Do you have a reasonable articulable suspicion of something I've been doing? No, no. Article J of the Constitution says. But they'll purposely go out like in front of, they'll just start filming in front of a police station.

Yeah. And then the police come out like, what are you doing? You can't film here. Like, actually, which they can, but it's like, why is this crazy?

Yeah. So let's try this out. Let's go onto a plane. Let's all of us. Let's? Let's say. Yeah. You mean as in let us well yeah

buy all right you guys buy the plane ticket yeah we'll be the white guys that are filming it yes buy a plane ticket for you to do that you guys buy the plane ticket now that's patreon you film it okay and then our next episode umar goes to guantanamo and then i'll get up on a plane and right you know right when the southwest people are done doing their cute like dumb shit that everyone when you're on a southwest flight and they like do their like dumb jokes that are like they're murder like just killing i'm like this oh this is like why jeff dunham is the biggest comedian in the world but anyway i get up and i'm just like 9-11 was a good thing that's it nothing illegal i'm not threatening anyone

just saying 9-11 you're just gonna stand up and say 9-11 was a good thing and then sit back down no explanation no and you're doing that right after they make the announcements yeah we're still grounded are you trying to light your shoe on fire i know no okay i gotta say if you were on if the plane's midair i think it's's a bigger deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way bigger. They're kicking you off the plane if you're on the ground. I think they're going to ground the flight if you say that in the air. You think so?

A thousand percent. Yeah. Yeah. Or they'll, yeah, they're going to, then there'll be police. You're going to get a cavity search. Dude, I think by free speech, I think this would go viral. I think that it's the equivalent of a shirt. Oh, it would go viral.

It's the equivalent of yelling fire in a movie theater. I'm not saying I'm doing 9-11. Stand up in a theater. Fires are a good thing. Yeah. Fires are a good thing.

Like what? I mean, look, they heat homes. They provide energy. You're just shouting all that. What do you think? There's anti-fire people in there?

No! I live in a igloo. What the hell? That kills me when you? No! I live in an igloo! What the hell? That kills me when you say that. I live in an igloo. Oh, babe. I'm currently on fire. I just love the idea that the 9-11 deal hurt.

She's like, that's just not something you should joke about. I'm like, what the fuck do you joke about, lady? What do you joke about? You're at a coffee club. How old could you tell how old this woman was? She's probably like 34 or 5. Oh, okay. so she was 10 or 11 during 9-11 right yeah she was 9 or 11 yeah so all it did was she couldn't watch Caillou that day yeah I don't know what Caillou is a little bald kid. A cartoon. Is the cartoon called Caillou?

It's called Caillou. Caillou. We don't need to talk about that. Let me clue you in. Blue's Clues? Yeah. Could you guys pull up some clips of Caillou? Yeah, of course.

I'm Caillou. Everyone hates Caillou, but. I don't know. I don't watch. I know that Bluey's a thing. Me and the kid circles that I run in. I don't have children. I went to a kid circle the other day. It's 30 in the back there's a whole station for juices cupcakes i keep my

pulse on the community dude i learned that you can't even talk about a plane or i mean i'm sorry this is i know this is obvious but one time i was sitting in the middle and i was like talking to the people next we were just having a nice conversation then we were about to land and uh i told them i was like i hate land it like landings i was like i'm not afraid of flying but like landing is the only thing that's like scary to me um and i was like yeah i just pictured the plane like never stopping and we just crash both those people merely stopped talking to me and they didn't look at me because you can't i like i like, when you're in the air, like, whether people want to admit it or not, in the back of everyone's mind is this plane could crash.

It could, yeah. And that's in every, you've had that thought every time you take off. If your brain's a computer. If I'm sitting, like, say this is the order in the plane, right? Yeah. I'm mid-seat. Josh says, I'm just worried about the plane crashing, right? I'm like, me too, buddy. Yeah.'m just worried about the plane crashing I'm like me too buddy

You tell me about the plane crashing And I'm like Can we switch seats It does sound like you're broaching The topic Like if you wanted to get an orgy going Be like so how do we feel about group sex I immediately start with the sky catalog

I just picture it crashing I immediately start with the sky catalog. I just picture it crashing. You know what I mean? Yeah. We were coming back from the Middle East when we did that two-week tour. Humble brag. We saw all the countries that Trump said were shithole countries. Because you did the USO.

Yeah. Nice. Didn't see a single tree the entire time. So we're coming back, and there was this, she must have been a French woman. And I like to watch international films on the thing. Like, I don't want to watch Ghostbusters. I'll watch Bahubali, like a Bollywood movie. There was this comedy called Bruno.

And apparently Bruno is their Pauly Shore in like France. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So like not the Sasha Barrett Cohen Bruno. No, no, no. They're totally different Bruno. Okay. Far less dicks in this movie. And so I was trying, I was like, cause I was handsome woman, I was like Bruno, do you know

Bruno? Bruno. And she was like, Bruno,'s famous in France. Very popular. I was like, do you like Bruno? And she was like, no, I don't like Bruno. I don't like Bruno. So I watched this Bruno.

It's a 13-hour flight. I watched this Bruno movie. And then I look over at her screen. And the guy who plays Bruno is doing a cameo in whatever movie she's watching. And I was like, oh, to adore Bruno. To adore Bruno. I was like, oh, to adore Bruno. To, and she's like, do not adore Bruno. Do not adore Bruno. And I was like, oh, Bruno.

Wait, was this just a random French lady? Just a random woman. But we got champagne and we drank champagne together. She was cool with it. She was cool. But I remember like, oh, you want to fuck Bruno. Oh, Bruno. No, I don't want to suck. I don't suck Bruno want to fuck Bruno. Oh, Bruno. No, I don't want to suck.

I don't suck Bruno. You suck Bruno. This really sounds like a Sacha Baron Cohen movie. Or like what you're doing. You want to suck Bruno. Oh, Bruno. Damn, dude. Talking to people on flights is dicey.

Yeah, because you don't want to be engaged the entire flight. Yes, and that's happened. Dude, I got into it. I don't like leaving that door open. Bro, I got into a full-on debate about Trump. On a flight? On a flight. Here's the thing.

Conservatives are Trump people. I don't give a shit. Like, they want, all they want to do is talk about politics. It's insane. Well, it's like sports to them. They want to talk about their favorite team you know so i'm on uh this is a like i i've had this crazy like day i've been in the airport all day i was going to my friend's bachelor party um in new orleans and uh it's a nighttime it's a it's like a it's a nighttime flight. I think I got to New Orleans like 10 p.m.

So we take off at like 9 p.m. from I don't know what other state. So plane is black. Everyone's sleeping. And then just me and this guy are loudly fucking debating about Trump. Let's go Brandon. Am I right? Yeah. No, this was pre that.

But yeah. And it was just like insane. I'm like, people must just be like, what the fuck? Why? Yeah. And the whole, and I, there was no point to just be like, hey man, I'm going to sleep. Like this sucks. Yeah.

I don't want to be the loud. You're not going to change his mind. He's not going to change yours. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him.

I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him. I'll beat him.

I'll beat him. I'll beat him. There we go. Yeah. You're going to start supporting Trump after this. Yeah. Yeah. You're making some good points. And it was just like, everyone on this plane hates There we go. Yeah. You're going to start supporting Trump after this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a good point. And it was just like everyone on this plane hates us, dude. Yeah. We're the we're your that he was so loud and I'm like trying to be quiet. He's just like, I'm like, fuck, man. Yeah. And that's why you can't. You just can't like do.

We were at the O's game yesterday. Karen was sitting next to like this old lady. Soon as you sit down, the old lady's like, where are you guys from are these your kids she thought we were kids wow or she thought somebody was her kid because like evan was wearing like a bucket hat so he looked you know and uh she's like no just no and then this woman just like would not stop talking to her and and then they got up to go to the bathroom and thank god her husband sat next to karen oh good but it's just like who are these people i hate talking to strangers that i actually do love talking to strangers but yeah you do you leave that door open but yeah i'm just like hey how are you all right no yeah ball game sure but you gotta you know yeah i don't want it out it's

like i'm here with my friends yeah i hate when like if especially if like you're having a conversation with a stranger and then they let loose a little tidbit about them that totally changes. Yes. Right, right. I had a coworker once. It was the first time when I was doing underground utility locating. So they'd pair you up with someone, and they'd send you out. And it was the first time I was walking with this guy named Justin.

Yeah. And on the way back, we were talking about something, and he was like, yeah, I mean, you know, what would he say? He said, yeah, like Jurassic Park, you know, I mean, if you believe in dinosaurs. And I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, if you believe dinosaurs are real. I mean, there's no evidence that says they are. I'm like, this museum's full of evidence.

He's like, nah, they've been put there. Nah, those are fake. Yeah, he's like, let's go find these underground utilities on our beautiful flat earth. My buddy and I had this idea for a sketch where it's like an in-the-closet conservative. I mean, if you're on a college campus and you're that level religious,

you're not really going to make friends. No. You know? Yeah. But it is funny because, like, you know, we, like, Christians will take it too far where they're saying they're being persecuted. Yeah. But, like, you know, we live in a bubble. We're in, like, a liberal city and, like, whatever, like, this East Coast.

Like, I do, like, if I meet someone and then i immediately find out they're religious i'm like yeah we're not gonna be friends yeah you know it's just it's just it's an impasse yeah also like you're not changing their mind the way i am and i'm like they're not gonna like it yeah and i don't like like our buddy alex he just moved to uh a new city uh him and there you know it's hard to make friends as adults so he said there he was playing disc often he ran and um and if you're sometimes if you're alone somebody was like you can join us so he joined these two guys and they're like oh they like hit it off and uh he was like yeah we're gonna do like a game night at my place so alex and alex loves game nights yes and alex a huge game night guy alex shows up yeah yeah alex shows up it's

25 people are there yeesh which like you think game night you're thinking like six seven people maybe eight yep there's 25 people there they're all from the same church oh and finds out like you know they're like very religious church people and they're not pushing it on them yeah yeah but he was just like, once you... Once they find out about a dick... That's so funny because it's like...

Yeah. It's like the monkey paw thing. Like, you're like, oh, I wish to make a friend that likes game night, likes disc golf. They're like, here it is. But they're religious.

You're like, oh, man. Yeah, exactly. That kind of ruins the rest of it. Yeah. And so he was like, yeah, we had dinner with them like just, you know, like a double date.

And he was like, it was the most boring. And now it's funny because now you have to break up with this couple. That's like a tough thing. I guess you just slowly fade it out. Yeah. Or you just think, is it on the table to tell them we're just not that religious and we don't want to be? They don't care. Okay.

They're not pushing it on them. I know. There are some people that are cool about it where they're like, we just don't have to talk about it. It's care. They're not pushing it on them. There are some people that are cool about it where they're like, we just don't have to talk about it. It's fine. You're going to burn in hell. But we can have fun now. I think there are some people that are so religious. We still play Scrabble.

With 25 people. I think there are some people that are so religious where it's just like you grew up it's just they can not bring it up but there's still just this weird like just they're the way they are yeah it's like when they say thank god like they mean it yeah yeah and then you you feel like you're editing yourself yeah can't be yourself you can't be yourself you're being judged uh yeah so i think like you know i don't know where I'm going with this, but religious people suck.

Yeah, religious people. We get it. Yeah. Paul, where are we at time-wise? Thank God. Good note to end on. Praise her. Yeah, I said her.

I had an ex-girlfriend. In high school, this girl, whenever I date a girl, if they went to church on Sunday, I would go to church with them. What? Yeah, just because it would be more time spending time with them they're dressed nice I dated one girl where the church bus would pick us up and she'd wear something that made her tits

look amazing but her breath smelled like fucking egg farts it was so bad so I dated this girl whose dad played electric guitar in the church band okay so he's the coolest guy in church pretty cool yeah uh and they would go in the morning and he's like all right you'd have a youth group and then the mega congregation thing and i would just go to hang out

with her and uh there was a time where we had a pregnancy scare i was 18 right uh condom broke and then she missed her period oh boy and so i was like fuck oh my god so then we go to church in the midst of this pregnancy scare and i swear to god it felt like she had been running her mouth because like the uh like we get to youth group and everyone's giving us the side eye. She's been running her mouth. She's like, this, hey. Keep it quiet about that. You do this to me?

At church. So the youth minister is sitting back from the chair. It's like the Sopranos episode where the uncle, every shit doll he likes eating pussy. Yeah, yeah. So the youth group minister was like hey let's talk about commitment and our own personal responsibilities and i'm like and like people are giving us the side eye then we go to fucking the mega congregation where it's like maybe 500 people

in this fucking thing yeah and the minister's up there we're in the like towards the back and she the minister's like if anyone here needs needs Jesus' touch in their life, come forward now. And she looks at me. And I was like, don't you fuck. You don't need Jesus. Don't you run your mouth. You can't. Let's do it.

I mean, we're going to do that anyway to the baby. You can go touch him if you want. So she gets up and makes her way and starts going up there and like they descend on her like zombies like and then if there's 500 people in there a thousand eyeballs turned and looked at me and i was like oh no i had to get up and go up there and they i had them fucking time be like 100 people touching you, praying like, oh, no, like cat speaking in tongues and shit. Whoa, it was a tongues church?

Yeah. Dang. But it turns out just a latex allergy. God is good. So good thing you went to church, though, huh? Good thing God was like, you know what? The baby's gone. Wait, what do you mean latex allergy?

She had a latex allergy, which made her miss her period. Oh. Because we used a condom. Damn. Got it. And then after that, God said, I didn't have to use a condom anymore. Yeah.

There we go. You speak in tongues? Hey, hey, hey. Am I doing it? This is like Vagina of Christ? Yeah. Cut that. Now she is super hyper religious and she'll post stuff now where she's single and she's like but i need to find a man who also loves christ the way i do

nathan for you or not nathan for you the rehearsal have you watched that oh god have you watched the rehearsal yet i couldn't get into it yeah i just don't like that guy. He's the best. You have to appreciate cringy things. I don't. I also don't like... I think he's taking advantage of the poor and mentally ill people. Well, he's got something. I think the people also are

cognitive, but he's... I think those people are high-functioning all the time. Those people are like... Some of them seem cognitively limited. So it's like, it just feels, I just don't like this. I'm taking advantage. They're just awesome. But the one lady is mega religious.

Yeah, super. She says Google is run by the devil and things like that. Oh, wow. Okay. And she's like, yeah, everybody knows that. She wants to practice having a child yeah so nathan actually builds this house uh for her to live in and then they keep bringing in these child actors to be but the child actor can only work a half day so then they gotta like the kid has to go

into the room and they bring a new one in they swap them out in the middle of the night and then they're progressively aging the child yeah The mirrors in the house have a filter on it so when you look in it, it makes you look like you've aged along with the child. They age the kid every two weeks. They're like, okay, good night, Adam. A six-year-old will walk in and then an eight-year-old walks out.

It's a completely different kid. They're like, hi, Adam. The last step, they had a kid who was a six-year-old kid who didn't have a dad and had to pretend that Nathan was his dad. And this kid got, they fucked that kid up. And he was so attached to him. He was like, you're my dad. Yeah.

Like, hey, can we go see daddy today? And like the mom had to be like. Yeah. It's brutal. Dude, that's got to be. I think some of them are like, that's fake. This is a six-year-old kid. I don't know how this kid could fake it.

There's no way he's faking that. You don't think he faked that? No. This kid actually just, he saw all their kids with a dad he got to play that nathan was his dad like the mom though i'm like don't bring your kid there to do that yeah like she was she knew what the role was you're going to be playing the son of a dad and he doesn't have a dad yeah naturally he's going to get it but then nathan tried doing he was like i try he then start god nathan it's so inception-y where he then uh builds another he builds another set so he could be the mother of that child in the scenarios exact replica of their actual house

yeah and then has a child actor play this other child actor come in so he can give him direction. Like, I want you to feel like I'm your mother and blah, blah, blah. And to try to figure out where he went wrong with this kid. And he was like, I tried it with older children. And he's just reenacting a scene that was wholesome with a six-year-old with a 20-year-old man. And he's like, Daddy, I love you. He has overalls on and a polo shirt.

But then it cuts to him on break and he's smoking a cigarette. The kid that's 20 but looks like he's six. It's definitely something you watch like this the whole time. But yeah, it's more of a comment on like reality TV and then like actors in general and stuff. There definitely is some of that like creepy kind of element that you're talking about. The other thing though, like he gets HBO level, like Game of Thrones episode money to make each episode. That's nuts. And like this one guy wanted to tell his trivia group that he didn't have a master's degree.

I saw that one. Yeah. So he built that fucking bar. And even point out, hey, there's that balloon up in the vent. And then the best part is he moves the bar to like Oregon where they're shooting the next thing. And then he's like to use the bar, I opened it where they're shooting the next thing and then he's like to use the bar

i opened it he made it an actual bar that people could go to but it had to have like an 80 foot entrance or something like that for some like law in oregon so stupid that's hilarious it's incredible the use of money is amazing all right let's wrap this up guys we're gonna wrap this up let's wrap it up uh thanks for coming by. Thanks for having me, Tommy. I got a Hulu special coming out sometime. I'll be at the Carol Arts Center in March. Love it. I have more recent stuff coming up. What about Laugh Finders?

We do Laugh Finder. We record Laugh Finder, which is five comedians and an NPR host. You've both been on it. We just finished season six. Season seven is starting next Monday. So it is kind of like a Dungeons and Dragons-y kind of thing. Yeah, we play the role-playing game Pathfinder. Yes, yeah.

You guys are very sweet, too, because I don't know what I'm doing. They're like, Josh, it's your turn to initiate action. I'm like, what button do I press? Yeah, but you just come on. You make some yuck yucks, and then rip it around. It's a very fun show, yeah. And then we do Laugh Finder game nights on Wednesday nights

where we play Jackbox games with a guest and a live audience, or audience that's watching from home. Nice. Well, it's like 10 people. It's fun, though, yeah. And then the last game we play, we play Quiplash with the audience. And it used to be

if one of the audience members can beat us in Quiplash we'd send them a shirt. A Laugh Finder shirt. But then I was like I'm losing my ass on shirts. Shirts ain't free my guy. So now we don't do that anymore. But then we do it. Send you a $100 windbreaker. We're going to be doing our Halloween

run of the Halloween Murder Mystery in October. We have a new murder mystery. Come check that out. And then comedy. Come to the Renaissance Festival on the 17th. Are you doing stand-up there? No. We're just going to go to the Renaissance Festival for my birthday.

Are you going to do mushrooms? You should definitely come. Renaissance Festival is fun. Yeah. You should come on the 17th. All right. Wait, this month? Yeah, this month.

September. Okay. September 17th. It's a good time, man. Yeah. We all just go and get drunk. We eat turkey legs. Yeah, you watch jousting and stuff.

Yeah. It's fun. Okay. Watch white people doing white people things. Yeah. We saw a woman go down on another woman in front of us at a bar. No. Two big old she-hawks. Excuse me, two

maidens going down on one another? Two large maidens. I got saved. One went the other one's bustle. Like big dress. And then came up and was like... Alright, I'm a little hard. She was under the bustle, huh? Yeah. Under the bustle.

So you see live sex acts. Talk about hustle and bustle. Umar clearly not listening. He's like, oh. Sorry. He's looking at, he's doing what I should have done. I'm trying to do my plugs. Get the plugs. Yeah, hold on.

Real quick. Let me just pull up a calendar. My link tree's not. What the fuck is going on? I'll be at DC Comedy Loft with, do you know that little person, the elderly white little person? Yes. Tawny Lee.

I have a great story about her. So I know we're wrapping up. But Umar, remember when I told you I did Soul Jules and that lady bit it? Yeah. That little person? That's her. Oh. So I'm reaching for her to DC County.

So I did Soul Jules with Steve Byrne. And she did a guest spot because she was headlining the next day. So Soul Jules was like the big like outdoor tent thing in pennsylvania it's on this big wooden stage and she does her set kills but then and they're like and the host goes back up and like all right and now give it up for your feature josh kaderna so they're clapping and as i'm coming out she trips and just hits her fucking head like on the railing and i was like oh no but like i'm already walking out and they're like all right josh so i have to be like like a metal right did you hear

like thick bloom it was a wooden one okay so yeah it was a thunk dude and then i'm just like i mean she's so small probably like and then like it's not like but it hurt her but yeah just having to walk past that and be like, Yeesh. Hey, everybody. How you doing? Sucks to be you, nerd. Yeah.

So I'll be featuring for her at the DC Comedy Loft on the 21st. 24th, I'm doing the Comedy Karaoke Trivia Fun Time Show at R&R. Yes. Have you done that one? No. No. And then 25th, I have an armor party. All right.

An armor party. Then I'll be doing Heckler's Ball. You ever done Yeager's Heckler's Ball? I've heard of it. I want to give it a try. Apparently, they let people heckle you. Not great. Then on October 1st, we'll be at the Abingdon Grill. Then at Brightbox Theater,

October 8th. Let's go. Let's go, Brandon. Then listen to Laugh Finder. Let's go. Let's go, Brandon. Then listen to Laugh Finder. Yeah, let's go to LaughFinderPod.com or follow it on Facebook or Instagram where we live stream our recordings Mondays and Wednesdays. Nice.

You can follow me on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, all that stuff, at Josh Katerna, putting up sketches, making stuff with our buddy, producer Paul there. And I will be in Savannah, Georgia the 8th through the 10th with Steve Byrne at the

venue they have at the Kemper Hotel. Nice. Looking forward to that. Flying home on 9-11. Nice. You hope. 9-21. I'm bringing back Umar and Friends, a new location at Little Havana in Baltimore City. It's great.

Great venue. I think it'll be good. 924, I'm headlining a brewery in Baltimore. It's on my – find it on Instagram. And then, oh, 915, I'm headlining somewhere in Silver Spring, Maryland. So also find that on Instagram. That's shows near you, right? Yeah, yeah.

Something like that. Yeah, that's actually a good room. All right, I'm excited. Awesome. All right, well, thank you guys. Thank you, Producer Paul. Thank you, Tommy. All right, thanks, guys.

All right, we'll talk to you guys later.