The Digression Sessions - Ep. 35 - Stavros Halkias

Episode Date: May 7, 2012

"I’mma Slap Your Momma in the Left Titty" Hola Digheads! On this week’s show the young whipper snapper, comedian Stavros Halkias, joins Josh and Mike (Finazzo) for an interview in the Dig Sesh HQ.  Comedian Mike Finazzo was nice enough to pinch hit for the injured Mike Moran. Stavros started comedy because he was miserable. He’s been doing stand for a few years. And NOW he’s a little less miserable! We kid! He’s doing quite well for a young comedian on the grind. Stavros recently won the Magooby’s New Talent Contest and is earning his stripes and the respect of other comedians by performing all over the Baltimore and D.C. area several times a week. Stavros also hosts the (seb) Comedy Hour - a monthly comedy show at UMBC. Past Digression Sessions guest - Hampton Yount - will be the headliner at the next show on May 10. There’s a decent amount of “inside baseball talk” about the art of stand up in this ep, but it’s a good one – especially if you’re thinking about getting into stand up. We discuss a number of topics for this episode including, but not limited to: Performing comedy at bar shows, writing jokes, work ethic, the size of Stavros’ penis, teaching America’s youth, Greek translations for tampons, comedic aspirations, dealing w/ the handicapped in underwear, and much more! Oh, and Mike Finazzo’s album is still coming out May 29th via Better Robot Records! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @JKuderna @MichaelMoran10 @ThatMikeFinazzo  

Yeah, there it is. Mmm. I want it turned up just so you can breathe into it. This is heavy breathing with Josh Koderna. Hey, how you guys doing? Alright, let's start the show, huh? Yeah. Yeah!

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. you guys feeling that that's some hi-hat not the low hat that's a hi-hat no everybody leave your clothes on jesus all right let's put the cocaine away let's uh let's do a podcast professionally all right welcome to the digression sessions podcast i'm one half of your favorite pair of earbuds josh kaderna sitting to my right the lovely mike finazzo what's up buddy yeah how you doing i'm i'm doing good i like how we're acting like we didn't talk before no we just yeah it was just no eye contact no talking

what have you been up to today besides what we were talking about on gmail chat every day words with friends every day all day i don't know man yeah you're just a stranger where you've been man i i i know man man. I like to be under the grid. Under the grid? Yeah, under the grid. You dig a hole in it. I'm sorry, do we have a guest? I know, right?

Stavros, what do you do? You just butt in here? Hey, guys. Hey, is it cool if I sit in on this? Or I was just walking by. I just happened to have a microphone plugged into your mixer. I'm sorry. Being off the grid. Go fuck yourself.

No, I'm sorry. And that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Thanks for tuning in. Mike Moran will be back next week. And that's it. No, Mike is working. So Mike Fonazzo is nice enough to fill in again. But it's also serendipitous because you have an album coming out on Better Robot Records.

Yeah, it sounds like you have a nice little monopoly going on. I do, I do. It's great. You sponsor every guest. I do. And yeah, that's why I'm here. It's Mike Fonazzo Month here. It's Mike Fonazzo Month, everybody.

Yeah, May 29th, coming down the homestretch, buddy. That's right. So we're going to do a big show. May 28th. The sidebar will be free. Yes. And we're going to have Chris Rock, Louis C.K. Bill Cosby.

Yep, he'll be there. May have heard of a little fella named Richard Pryor. Uh-huh. His hologram will be there with Tupac. Is it going to be him before? Jesus Christ, Stavros. I thought we had crossed this bridge. Off the grid.

Under the grid. I'm going under the grid. All right. Under the grid. I'm back under the grid. That's the name of the episode. Under the grid. Under the grid.

With Stavros. With Stavros. Yeah, we're excited about the album and the shows uh-huh and uh yeah i do have to mention though one of the reasons mike moran could not record this podcast oh do tell is because he went to see marilyn manson that was last night well you couldn't record it last night no no no because he was at marilyn manson and he had a rough time in the pit last night. No, no, no. Because... He was at Marilyn Manson. And he had a rough time in the pit last night. Yeah.

I assume. I don't know. Well, that's just weird because today you were like, hey, I can't record this because I'm going to see Limp Bizkit. Yeah. But you still did it. I did, man. You're a trooper.

You're like, you know what? Sixth grade Josh has been left in sixth grade. I still do it all for the nookie but i make time for podcasting you know yeah mike can learn a thing he should be an adult for this podcast oh man mike panazzo you're a delight thank you stavros spoiler alert stavros is here stavros is here i'm sorry for the go fuck yourself you know what stavros stavros Gali. So I can talk now? Yeah. Fuck you guys. I'm not saying shit.

Enjoy. Here's what your audience wants. More of you and Mike talking. That's right. There hasn't been enough of that. Well, that's why we invited you here. We want you to watch us. Well, you're out, dickheads.

I'm fucking sitting here silently. This is what happens when Moran's here. I listen to you guys bullshit for five minutes. You gotta have a little friendly banter. So this is like a fraternity. You got hazed by them. And you're taking it out on me. We haven't been paddling your ass this whole time just for fun.

We want you to earn your ass. I thought that was the way in. Just to make you comfortable, that's all. And then, you know, next time when Brian Preston's here, you can beat the shit out of him. Yeah, man. You earned it. You earned it, Stavros. Okay, all right.

I'm back in, you guys. Let's do it. All right, welcome to the podcast, comedian Stavros Halkias. That's right. Yeah. Nailed it. What's up, fella? Not much, guys.

Just fucking in, got here after fucking getting lost in baltimore you live in like a maze you live in the alice yeah like it's a fucking alice in wonderland of neighborhoods with with more neck tattoos more neck tattoos um yeah well you made it and now now you're on the mic so good for you you made it through the paddling i did it uh munsa assaulted you a little bit but i think you're doing okay that's a rite of passage yeah that's that's gonna happen what's going on man thanks for coming by yeah thank you guys uh not much i just got off work oh yeah oh yeah like trying to pretend i was teaching children something while i was actually going over my set list for an open mic I'm doing tonight.

I've heard your set. I did not think of you as a child care professional. It's kind of, they're like, I'm like, okay, so, okay, guys, which, now tell me some proof that his favorite food is pizza. And then it's like, all right, now is fucking, should she blow me in the setup or should she blow me in the punchline? And that's what my days are like. That's what my afternoons are like. I do have to say, before I go back to shitting on you, you are one of my favorite comics.

Thank you. I was actually very delighted when Josh told me we were going to be on the show yeah we're trying to get starburst for a while starburst you have a great uh um stage presence i think thank you very much and the fact that you even talk about you know chicks blowing you in the setups and the punch lines you still have a warm presence on stage like i want to get that guy on the podcast. You know, it's bizarre. What would you hear as blowjob stories? The weirdest thing is, so I started doing comedy because I was just fucking miserable. And I was getting absolutely no pussy.

No girls wanted to even talk to me. And so my jokes were, like, all about how fucking pathetic I was. And how, like, little, how bad at fucking I am. And now you're drowning in pussy well not yeah now I'm fucking now it's like some I have to reupholster my car I just like it's like I was really miserable so I decided to become a comedian because all those guys are happy but no that's the weird thing and then in that fucking shitty stage in my life I went to like three different shows and like now look these

weren't grade a groupies these these were these were fucking uh southwestern virginia like open mic in a bar groupies but it was fucking weird because i'm telling jokes about how shitty i am at you know being with girls and like that attracted girls and and in this this weird thing where on stage i'm a dickhead yeah and like i'm like trying to be you know kind of like uh a lovable fuck ignorant asshole like that's kind of what i go for and like that draws people in yeah so it's a bizarre thing where i so yeah thank you i i've never you know thank you for the couple on the stage presence but it was always I'm just going to say dickheadish things and it's translated

try to get those girls with daddy issues you can get away with that if you're funny I know plenty of people that are dickheads on stage and off stage they're just like I'm watching leave Mike Moran alone he can't defend himself entourage sucks

but no I mean if you go to the sidebar every other wednesday you're gonna see some bad comedy every once in a while it sneaks in there and they're just like some people like you watch that have like this dickhead persona that's just like after a while or even like uh and i've done this before where it's like a really self-deprecating persona or something to after a while it's just like why am i done this before where it's like a really self-deprecating persona or something. After a while, it's just like, why am I watching this person? But it's like, you know, you can get away with being an asshole because your jokes are funny. Right.

Just like on a more famous level, like Anthony Jeselnik gets away with saying anything because he's hilarious. The worst shit too. And he's also fucked that guy because he is like a beautiful man. No one should be that. That funny and funny in like a dickhead way. Say whatever he wants to say and worse and also be like just a fucking model. Like the cover to his – everyone look at Google Shakespeare and like see the cover and it looks like a fucking guy who's doing – it looks like a cologne ad.

Yeah, because it's just his head. He's just staring at the distance. Well coiffed hair. You know, they actually said the same thing about Mike Finazza, the stupid genius. Coming at you May 29th. Better Robot Records. Trademarked. Look out for that, Dig Heads.

Alright, take us into the break. We're up against a hard break. It's September here at the Deagression Sessions. So how long have you actually been doing comedy? It's weird because I started doing comedy for the first time when I was 19. So that's what? I'm 23 now. Christ.

That was like four years ago. Christ, I was a baby back then. Jesus. No, it's weird to think that that much time's passed because the truth is i did it for about you know five months i'd say where i was you know really dedicated to it then i was in school and i was doing every once in a while right and then i had one summer where i did it for about two months and then i just took uh like two years off and since february i started back up you know back up at it again february of uh 2012 yeah right on so i'm back this is the fucking

the comeback he's back he's back baby because yeah about when i started i was almost like three years ago at this point uh like t brad hudson's one of my good friends and he would always tell me how funny you were yeah i would hear i because i know you like did like his all-star shows and stuff like that and i kind of like heard through the grapevine that you were a really good comic but i didn't see you around for a long time until you know a few months ago right it was this weird thing where so i remember like right as i was leaving was when like you started signing up and we might have been on one or two shows or something but i remember like hearing your name and never meeting you but it's this weird thing where i had gotten like a reputation as a really good unpaid seven minute at a time comic like i had i had i

had like beat the tutorial of comedy like if comedy is a video game i had the high score on the tutorial and then i like and then like i'm coming back and trying to be level one now. For those listening and wanting to get into comedy, that is what bar comedy is like. It's a ton of showcase shows. And it's one of those things like there's no middle. It's like you're either on the ground floor or you're a headliner who also does comedy clubs yeah so yeah it is weird to kind of be in like that uh local indie booking purgatory almost because it's like yeah you are kind of the open micers um are on the same level as people that host comedy clubs or even feature

comedy clubs like they're kind of a no man's land when it comes to booking. Yeah. We just had, speaking of fucking bar comedy. What? Jesus. Yesterday, yeah, today's Wednesday, right? Yeah. So yesterday, Tuesday, I have a friend of mine,

he owns Jimmy's Seafood. It's a Greek place, and Greek people, if they're not carpenters, they're fucking... Wait a minute. You're Greek? Yeah.

Holy shit. Get out of town, right? Wow. Could have swore that was well uh and so could have swore that was a welsh scotch irish um so he wanted to start a comedy room in his bar and i'm like sweet and this guy's got like there's a lot of different rooms that he could use and i'm like this is going to be great he's going to pay like a lot like a pretty good amount of money gives me a budget to book guys so i booked uh sonny fullny Fuller and Tommy Simbazo. And we did like a,

and you know, it was going to be an hour and a half show or something. And I walk in, we walk in there and no one is aware that comedy is going on. All the TVs are on comedy. And the guy, not only that though, but my friend who's like,

yeah, we're going to do this. He's been texting me all day. Nowhere to be found. Doesn't answer his phone. I know his little brother who's like yeah we're gonna do this he's been texting me all day nowhere to be found doesn't answer his phone i know his little brother who's also at the who also manages the little brother the guy's 25 whatever but i know him right and he gives me a mic and is like here you go and there's no light there's no stage the bar is this john it's a bar and the the place is designed to not have like no one is looking at anything ever.

It's designed for you to look up at TVs. There's no common space. So we're literally in the bar, like in between, like where the servers are serving, and just talk. I'm just talking to no one. Like I'm trying, and then Sonny gets on and does like 12 minutes to go great. He bombs it like around minute 15, and he's just like, all right, see you later. I'm trying. And then Sonny gets on and does like 12 minutes to go great. He bombs it like, you know, around minute 15.

And he's just like, all right, see you later. He's supposed to do a half hour. And then Tommy Sambazo, that poor guy. And there's an Orioles game. By the way, there's an Orioles game. And then Tommy Sambazo, just the most valiant effort I've ever seen. And so what Sonny said was he sucked that dick like a champion. And that is certainly what he did. So there's a lot of that.

Yeah, I did a show. There's a local promoter. I won't say his name. Erwin Warren. He doesn't know what a podcast is, so it's okay. He has like all these rooms and some of them are great, and some of them happen. This one's in the middle of nowhere in Southern Maryland. The Dunkirk one?

Yeah. Oh, Christ. My girlfriend's family's from around there. When I saw that, I was like, nope. I was like, who the fuck is going to come see comedy there? Apparently, they never get a crowd there. And the one night I did, there was like 20 people in there, which is packed for that place.

But it was weird because there was like a soda machine that sounded like the loudest catheter I've ever heard. And it was on a loop every five minutes or so. So you'd be in the middle of a punchline and hear... And on top of that, there was one of those televisions that had the horse racing on it. The fake horse racing? Yeah. I never get that.

I don't understand it either. But every 90 seconds... You'd think they'd put it on mute. I like how we can't even compete with a simulated version of a sport that was famous a hundred years ago. It's not even the real sport. They're basically watching a video game that they're not playing. It's like watching someone do rock'em sock'em robots. The thing is, I even understand.

And betting on it. I understand if you go to a bar and a baseball game's on or a football game's on. In a lot of ways, it's like you're saying, comedy's interrupting bar night. So I understand why a sports game happens. But this is like watching the computer play itself on Madden. Leaving the sound on. So the one weird thing that happened is it uh it says on the door 18 and over show i look on the website it's 18 and over show uh as close as you're sitting to me there's a table of four like 15 ish year old looking kids and like dudes at least it was three guys and a girl and a pizza place come on guys and uh i i actually

first two people ate it and i'm doing the most crowd work i've ever done in my life and i'm finally getting to the point where i'm having a really good set sure and i tell a masturbation joke and the 15 year old kid goes oh and it's one of those things like the place, 20 people, capacity is literally 40. Right. Small-ass place. And I start shitting on the 15-year-old kid. What else are you going to do? Yeah.

Because who the fuck is that kid kidding? Ew, masturbation, my girlfriend sitting next to me. I don't do that. No. No. It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. I start shitting on the kid

talking about how his balls haven't dropped yet. And when they do, he'll discover his genitals and masturbate too. And in 30 seconds into this rant, all of a sudden from the back of the room, I hear, Hey, he's 15. Leave him alone. it's my son oh no and i look at the kid and he's like horrified that his dad's right and that that

was the thing it was getting laughs he was laughing at it and it was it was his dad that was drunk and made it weird for everybody and so so I was like, do I shit on him? I had embarrassed the kid further. So what I did was I just started making fun of myself. And I compared it to going to a funeral and farting. And as soon as everyone stares at you and you think it can't get worse, you realize you shit your pants. That's what it was like. And it ended up getting a huge laugh.

And I did like another 30 minutes. That's good, man. Jesus Christ. But yeah, that's what it was like and it ended up getting a huge laugh and i did like another 30 minutes oh that's good man but yeah that's what bar comedy is if you ever want to know it's competing against an oriole game or a simulated horse race it's always a it's always a gamble it's like you you have to make bets and if they succeed you're having you're just doing okay right like you just make it you're betting on like keeping Right. Like, you just make it, you're betting on, like, keeping even, not losing money. Absolutely, yeah. And then if you lose,

it's like, all right, well, I fucking, this is why my parents think I should go to law school. Right. Like, this is, you never,

like, Jim, the nice thing about last night was that I knew that it was going to be an abject failure. So just getting paid, literally, it became,

let's see how quickly we can get off stage for every every comedian that's why tommy is a fucking professional because it's sunny myself i literally went out on some guy so this drunk guy was heckling me and i'm doing some crowd work and he's like do you remember your first blow job and i'm like what he's like do you remember your first blow job and i said uh you know and i give him the mic so he can tell the people because let's see where this goes and he's like and I said you know and I give him the mic so he can tell the people cuz I see where this goes and he's like and I'm like yes and I give him the mic again he's like did it leave a bad taste in your mouth and I'm like and then like people are laughing and the only other

laugh I got was when the guy heckled me the first time and he's old and I'm like sweet looks like the fucking nursing homes are doing really good field trips nowadays like you know this fucking whatever my name cuz he's old that those I'm like, sweet, looks like the fucking nursing homes are doing really good field trips nowadays. Like, you know, it's fucking whatever. Mocking him because he's old. Those were the two laughs I got. But I literally closed on a guy telling a joke about me sucking dick because it was the best energy the crowd had had all the time. So I was like, all right, well, let's bring on Sonny Fuller.

It sure did, sir. Thanks. All right, here we go. Let's keep on Sonny Fuller. It sure did, sir. Thanks. All right. Here we go. Let's keep it going. But yeah, like those kind of shitty situations were kind of made for Tommy, though. Like he's like, I will do whatever I can to break even. He's a trooper.

Yeah. He has a really good energy, too, on stage. He's like very, very. Literally, though, this guy, he's like he would take it to the people. And there's so he's just walking because it's a wireless mic so you can walk around. Right. He's like, he would take it to the people. And there's, so he's just walking, because it's a wireless mic, so you can walk around. And he is walking around, and people are ignoring him, who he is five inches in front of.

It was, like, he's just, he's just like, he's like, and he's like cornered a waitress at one point, and is doing his bit about how his girlfriend powders her pussy. And this girl is just, just like trying to serve drinks. And he's just doing anything he can. He's literally like violating people's personal space to get a reaction. And even that doesn't shake him. So it was just, it was like one of the best things I,

like out of pure entertainment, not comedic entertainment, but train wreck entertainment, Jimmy's Seafood is where it's at. But I talked to the owner and he's like alright well next time he's going to get a stage and he's going to turn off the TVs oh the guy by the way was in an advanced screening of the Avengers I'd see that over

Thomas and Mazzo so his fucking phone was off but yeah so that's right that was my evening but I made some I made money which is not you cannot say that About most nights Speaking of making money Stupid Genius comes out

Oh my goodness Via Better Robot Records Seamless plug Yeah Seamless Seamless plug Well yeah I mean getting paid

For a shitty gig Still has to be nice Oh just getting paid Just to get paid Yeah Like in the And I just did The Magoobies contest

and I won that recently. Nice. The one in April. What is it, like a new talent contest? Yeah, it's a new talent thing. And Mike Stork does a lot of stuff at Magoobies and he was like, hey, go. He's like, I think you'd be good

just MC or stuff like that because that's the stage of my career that I'm at. I want to get at next is the feature, feature at clubs and feature at things and do that for a while while I get enough material to headline. And you know, that's, that's the plan. And I mean, if I'm not doing that in a year and a half, whatever, what's the point of, you know, I just don't want to be an open mic or for the rest of my life.

So I did, I did that. And it was just great to fucking win money. Because the night before, I had driven to D.C. to do an open mic, and everyone's telling me this is the best open mic. It's called Re-Raw. Kurt Shackleford's room. Yeah, Kurt Shackleford's room in Arlington.

And everyone I talked to was like, drive the hour. It's fucking worth it. It's the best open mic in D.C. And I get there and it's fucking game seven of the Caps. And the fucking whatever gives a shit about hockey game. And like there's fucking seven people. And I just eat so much dick.

Like literally that was the worst experience than Jimmy's because at least people are paying attention there like I could have won them over and I do some jokes and they're laughing at the stuff and then I just get you know I do the fucking girlfriend jokes about you know whatever and there's it's mostly women and like they're grossed out by it so then I started then I started doing jokes I know will fail on purpose like out of spite but it wasn't like i didn't make it apparent enough like i want i want to get to the point where i'm bombing where i can turn on the crowd viciously that's my that's how i want to get that's what i want to get to but i didn't make it obvious so that was all and that was so i was it was a negative

25 dollars and gas and parking and what and fucking food the night before and fucking you know seven minutes that felt like eight hours versus Magoobies where I made 75 bucks and it was in a fucking comedy club. I missed, that was probably, I mean, probably one of the biggest rooms I've done and it was a packed house and it was fucking awesome just to feel like, okay, I'm a stand-up.

I'm not just some dickhead who drives to open mics and eats shit one out of every eight times. Well, that's like what like Seton Smith says about comedy. It's like when he gets paid, he's not getting paid

for his 30 minutes on stage or whatever. It's for all the bullshit and driving around to shitty open mics and watching horrible comic after horrible comic. Although I do,

I luckily, like that is a thing I love so much. Like I love seeing shitty comedy, which is like makes me, makes being an open mic-er like palatable somehow. I go through phases. Like there are some people that I love to watch ironically. Yeah, that's exclusively what I'm talking about. But yeah, but after a while, it's just like what you're doing every night of the week. It's just like you hear the same jokes over and over again.

See, I'm going to just say that's even more fascinating to me because it's like I want to see the de-evolution of an artist. You know what I mean? You can see there's one time where this guy's this horrible open mic or x has gotten a laugh at some joke and he's just trying to fucking replicate that moment replicate that hot and yeah and he's fucking doing it 10 times and each time it's worse and it's just fucking it's like art it's fucking beautiful man like just watching him dig that hole yeah because a lot of the times it's like it takes a while to even be aware of you know what what to do on stage and how to yeah

that's the thing is so much of comedy too it's not your jokes it's how you say it how you are on stage like so much of it is audience audience perception you know if they see that you're confident or not not even just confident but you're not scared or nervous they're going to be more perceptive to what you have to say oh absolutely and that's the beautiful thing because like comics who've been doing it for fucking years a lot longer than i have a lot longer than you know we have yeah they don't even completely understand it that's the truth like a lot of guys are just right the best guys are still doing shitty shows you know chris rock will go and just read his notes just to see what's funny right yeah he's not sure you know louis ck that's how he builds an hour those guys still do it so the fact that

they don't get it the fact that the shittiest guy from dundalk whose friends told him he's the funniest mechanic the fact that this guy is trying to do that too it's just fucking it's like trying to watch a six like like a six-year-old take a fucking NBA three-pointer. You know what I mean? They just got the ball over their shoulder and are just heaving it. Sometimes the weight of it is just going to force them down and they're going to hit their head on the floor. And it's going to be the fucking funniest thing you've seen. It's like, why the fuck doesn't this work?

I throw away paper balls all the fucking time in my office. This shit's fucked. Yeah, so I fucking love awful awful and luckily i have friends who love awful open my comedy so i don't like to i it's you know i don't know i'm not sure if i like to go to you know comedy shows alone yet there's a part of it that it's nice to just be in your own head and just sort of go over your material because i'm a joke guy i'm not i don't have the tools of sort of uh improvving it yet and that's something i'm working on but i'm definitely i want to get my timing down and i'm a lot in my head so there's an aspect that i like being alone but i'm also i don't like fucking being lonely like the car rides like dick oh yeah i do like the the come you know the

feeling of having a crew and i have a friend who you know he'll record my sets and you know so I like that feeling of having people like in it with you but right right it's weird because sometimes I want to I want to just kind of focus on my own shit and then but it's schizophrenic like one second I want this thing and once I get the other but yeah luckily for me I have friends who have a stomach for open mic comedy and that cannot be said of a lot of people yeah understandably so i mean objectively it sucks dick you have to have a real serious taste for it yeah no it's like my wife used to come out with me when i first started doing it and then by like you know month two she's like you know what i've heard that guy enough yeah seriously i've heard you enough oh yeah and uh yeah it's time i just stay home and you enjoy your alone practice

that's the weird thing is how people have no idea how much of a repetitive art form stand-up comedy is because and like i even i try and get it like i i've written like you know i'm trying to make up i'm trying to cement what my 15 minutes is going to be and i'm really trying to do that. So I had about 10 minutes that I've been, you know, I've been doing around and you guys have seen it. That's what I've been doing since February. And like right now I'm trying to write new jokes. But the truth is like you need to constantly work on just that 10 minutes because it's a thing that's always eroding.

There's no, if you're not doing it twice a week and you don't have your timing down twice a week and you're not even doing it at different rooms, if you're doing it in the same fucking room, you know, what's the point? So it's a thing that you just have to be constantly. I guess it's kind of like lifting weights. You know, you have just to stay in shape, just to maintain. Right, right. There's a certain level you have to do, let alone, you know, getting bigger.

So it's just a matter of like right now I find myself, I'm going to go to this open mic and I'm probably going to do jokes that I've been doing just because I won that Mugubi show and I won a showcase for the club and I'm doing the open mic at, what's the one in D.C., the Riot? Riot Arts. I finally, I fucking signed up in January and I'm going to do it in June. So I want to show them

That I'm you know I'm a serious comic So it's like I want to have That I want I just have to fucking Polish off this fucking Five minute set

That I'm going to do And have it be perfect And then I can work on You know the next jokes Which is you know Kind of It's kind of frustrating Sometimes

And the only way To do better Is just to do Stand up seven nights a week If you can do it But damn That really is the only way To do it i think that you know for me if i go a few days without doing stand-up it's like foreign to me and i feel like my mechanics are off and it's like i've never done it before and i think it's hard because your style is also like pretty conversational

like your jokes especially it's not like you don't write jokes you do but it's a matter of there is a i i would say that there's a lot of needing to sort of feel out the room and you're actually talking to these people right which is a lot harder the good the thing about jokes and being a joke like a straight joke writer which i mostly am is that it's kind of a crutch on some level because a joke can be really funny on paper. And that's what I want. I want somebody to like, you know, even if I fuck it up, like there's still something funny there because it's, you know, it's just kind of a easier thing. So I can go a little longer, I'd say, but I'm not, that's just me being average and I want to get, you know, I want to get the most out of my material. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I feel like even like traditional joke telling comedians I still feel like and you would know this better than I do if the timing's off or sometimes you know it's like if you're just if that pause is a half second longer this one word in front of this word instead of behind it it's going to fuck your whole joke up so you still need to get those reps in yeah absolutely and that's the thing you can get to a certain like a joke on paper is funny will get you 60 of the way there that's like every time like even if you

kind of fuck it up it's kind of funny that's true with them any premise i think right yeah you're even if you're telling a story it's like if it's funny on paper you're right more than halfway there right right right but i don't know so i'm not i'm just trying to get my other stuff up now right but so when you write is it kind of one-liners like stuff that relates to you or like is like personal stuff or you just kind of think of stuff that you think is funny it's weird like i mean um it's hard for me because it really is kind of an inspiration thing like i don't it's hard for me to manufacture a joke and i really want to do that because my skill is joke writing and eventually I want to write on a show

or something like that. I want to write. I'd love to do that too. I want, and that's kind of like, I want my style to come across as, hey, I can give you five minutes of funny stuff for your monologue, whatever.

And I think that's the same thing Jesselnik said. I listened to a podcast with him where it's like, I tell these jokes because I want people to know that I can write jokes But the hard thing is like It has to come to me at this point Like I'm trying to manufacture it And it's harder and some of the jokes come out that way

But whenever I do that I'll write like a Fucking page and I will Distill it down to What literally like I had a joke That I thought was going to be I told it I had a joke that I thought was going to be. I told it at the sidebar that I thought was going to be like, you know, like a nice minute and a half joke. Right. And it turns out there's only one punch line in it.

You know what I mean? Like when I told it, it's like, all right, well, there's this is funny, but I have to make this a 20 second joke. And it's like that happens to me a lot. Keep refining. I want to get out of it. I want to get out of that habit. Not because, you know, I like being a joke writer and I want to show that I have that skill. But I think eventually I want to, you know, everyone wants to do the longer form stuff and be more personal too.

I mean, the jokes that I tell right now, I could sell them to some fat guy and he could tell them. You know what I mean? Right. Okay, I got you. Some of it is me and some of it is my own personal experience. It's certainly derived from that. But it's not like a deeply personal thing most of the time. I'd say about maybe 30% of it is pretty personal. And the rest of it, it's certainly based on my life, but it's, you know, I have a fucking little dick.

It's like my girl, I'm too fat. In fact, the hard thing is I'm trying to get a little dick. A bigger dick. Yeah. All those sites. Like, I keep clicking every pop-up I get. My pockets are filled with pills. And I still haven't gotten a bigger dick.

Pockets are filled with pills and nothing is happening. But, yeah, so it's like I'm trying to write stuff about, you know, things that actually affect me. And it's fucking hard, man. Like, it's harder I'm trying to write stuff about, you know, things that actually affect me. Yeah. And it's fucking hard, man. Like it's it's harder to get there. And it's like, you know, I can't tell you how many pedophile jokes I have thrown away because it's like I can't keep doing this. This is what it's already 30 percent of my act and it can't be anymore. Let me get a reputation in this town. Right.

Like it's not even that. It's just like at a certain point, like, it doesn't, it's not funny anymore. You know, when it's fucking more than, there's a tipping point at, you know, pedophile jokes. And I would say one probably should be it. Go great for your album, Pedophile Jokes. Right. With Stavros. But, yeah.

Recorded live at Jimmy's Seafood. Recorded live at the Jimmyimmy seafood uh fucking food food locker with a bus boy yeah well i think i think what you're doing i mean it's the same thing with doing stand-up the same philosophy if you just keep doing it you know i mean the more you write the more you're gonna get better and that's the fucking annoying thing about like having to live a life is that i just want to fucking oh the day job it's the day job and it's also you know and i i was like i'm gonna be a fucking free i'm not gonna get a nine to five i'm gonna fucking be a free spirit get some part-time jobs i want to do

and it is a pain in the dick hole because it's like i just i right now now i want a nine to five so that i have something i can ignore and get paid for. Whereas when you're working three part-time jobs, there's things you have to accomplish. And I was freelancing for a while. And it's way more annoying than just having a job that you can do at 60%. Just fucking sleepwalk through. I don't do that in my cubicle. No, sir. Josh's boss, if you're listening.

I don't think they are. But that's the great thing about twitter is if you're at work i mean even if it's dumb jokes i'll try to at least come up with like two or three and some of those i've kind of built premises off of even though they're i mean the most you can do is like two sentences i've had jobs too where it's like that's what keep you sane yeah it's being able to do stuff like that yeah that's your because work is your shawshank right and it's that maryland monroe poster also known as a dick joke on twitter let's keep it you going what's what's

getting uh what's getting raped by the fucking three dudes and threatening to cut their that's this podcast that was the original name of this podcast. Getting raped by three dudes in jail. In a laundry room. It was too long for us. Mike Bramblock said, he's like, there were three guys. Not yet. Come on out, fella. Yeah. Yeah.

So, I mean, it has its benefits working the nine to five because that's what I do. But it does suck because you're like, oh, great. you know because i work nine hour days so i'm like oh if i stay out like going to the open mic just on monday it's like yeah i want to hang out but then when you get home it's like 11 then you gotta get to work but you gotta get over that hump too because i always hear a lot of comedians say they're like you know like so you have to be up in five hours just get five hours of fucking sleep you're like like, yeah, that's true, actually. Yeah, you kind of just have to suck it up. No, and that's the thing.

That's what I've been. I'm on that. So I work at, I have a desk job, which is the sort of nine to five thing, that I work from nine to two. And then from 2.30 to five or six, I'm tutoring. And then I'm doing an open mic. And recently it's been every day I've been doing something. So it's like I'm leaving my house at,

you know, 8.30 and I'm getting back. Last night, you know, the owners are my friends so I also got drunk for no reason. And so I don't get home until like 1 or 2. And it's like fucking, I'm just gonna, and it's not that I care about

phoning it in at work. Clearly I don't. Those kids are getting a sub – the achievement gap is staying real wide. Your kid's future is fucked. No. Luckily I'm just more of a fucking – I've been like, hey, can I not teach them? So I do like a – I'm like a fucking – I give them their snacks and then like I tell them to stop talking about slapping each other's mother's left titties, which was even though you desperately want them to keep going. And that was the I cracked yesterday.

Like when that this kid. How old are these kids? Well, sixth grade and then sixth graders are the awesome ones because they're off. There's such shitty people because they're like at this point where they're awful, just like all human beings are awful. But they're also whiny like fucking little kids are. So it's just like seeing... And some of them are still cute. They still haven't grown.

But they're just talking about fucking each other's mothers. Yesterday, I just cracked for the first time where this kid Tyrell started singing. He has severe ADHD. And I couldn't get him to stop singing like I'm gonna slap your mama left hand and like I've been used I've been able to keep it together when they've called the like kid with glasses a faggot like I've been like nope that's not funny that's not good even though it's like you know it's like funny to see sick like little kids call each other faggots like I'm immature like it's not a good word but man leave the faggot alone little kids call each other faggots like i'm immature like it's not a good word but man leave the faggot alone little kids and like talking about making fun of fat girl like this and she's

really mean she deserves it but like i've been able to keep it together but tyrell singing about slapping his mama's left titty was just like i was like tyrell and i was like you gotta stop that and it was like so uh clear that I had no control over the situation. I work with people with mental disabilities and half the time I can't help but laugh. Appropriately. I had it and I tried to make this into a stand up bit and never worked because I think it was like too real. I had a client. I came over his house to give him medication once and he just came out wearing nothing but tighty whities. And he was like, I feel like a client. I came over his house to give him medication once, and he just came out wearing nothing but tighty-whities.

And he was like, I feel like a jerk. And I'm like, why? He's like, because I masturbated with my father's vibrator. And I was like, now? That just happened? Wait, my father's vibrator? His father's vibrator. He's like, no, it was like 15 years ago.

I'm just thinking about it now. And I like so many questions in my head but like that would make me the pervert if i ask him but like i was still like so like your father's vibrator he was like it was it was a back massager and i used it on my penis who hasn't and i was like right on man so uh so here are your medications so things are going good um but yeah so you know there are times where it's like especially with little kids and you know mentally handicapped um it's not funny but you can't help but laugh man it's i don't know about the little kids it's funny like sure it's like it's like our society failing them and whatnot

and if i think about that i'll get sad but in the moment man is it hilarious oh no i'm gonna be the worst father ever i'm gonna be like go call mommy a cunt and see what happens well that's funny because uh my father then by that definition was the word was the worst father ever like he was and like it's funny because i think i get i am like super what i what i say on stage like when people tell me to clean up my act or something like that it's like i like i can't that's who i am like i this is how i talk if i don't there is a i will say cocksucker or some variation yeah yeah like and it's just and literally what you just said like my dad was is the most vulgar guy and i remember like uh fuck my parents are never gonna listen

to this but like i remember when i was like four or something like i saw like i don't know so like some female product like a tampon or some shit and my and i was like hey dad what's this because you know fucking little kid curious and he's like that's a pussy pad, son. Go tell your mom to put away. Go tell your mom you found her pussy pads. Also, this is in Greek. But it's actually more vulgar if I translate it. Can you translate it, please? I was just like, it's, I mean, it's pussy, you know. I guess pussy rag is closer.

It's a little bit worse than pussy pad closer it's a little bit worse than pussy pad that's a little bit worse pussy pad sounds like a thing you wear if you're gonna be playing sports or go running or something pussy rags a little grosser yeah so but that's that's sort of why i had i had no chance at being like a normal and whenever i'm in a normal setting it's like i just i i choke back like the worst stuff all the time yeah that's the thing about working in an office too is you always want to make off-color jokes and you know somebody's like oh you're funny it's like i'm holding back a lot right now no man i wear stuff i will outlet like i've never stayed long enough to care about because because I also am a job recycler, like, not, or just cycler,

like, I can't, I just get bored at things, and I've alienated bosses, because I'm also who I, like, if I don't care about something, it's so apparent. When I care about something, I will work at it, and I had good grades in school,

and in the classes I liked, and, you know, just overall good grades, because that's what, at the time, I was focusing on it, and stand-up, I care about it, you know, I'm out there all the time, and some of the freelance I liked and, you know, just overall good grades because that's at the time I was focusing on it. And stand-up, I care about it. You know, I'm out there all the time. And some of the freelance stuff I did, I care about it. But, man, the fucking desk jobs and stuff, it's just like I would literally survive

by being just the funny or the entertaining one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, but that also has a one out of five. I've been fired from, likebuster and like and like my boss that uh after it was shut down yeah blockbuster thought i was inefficient like that's it it's like how's fucking netflix you said you won that yeah i still have my blockbuster polo that i pull out every once in a while. And then you founded Netflix. Well, I founded Quickster.

And that worked out. That was my idea. I took all my video rental expertise and applied it towards Quickster. Yeah, I think that efficiency paid off. Okay, let's fuck up something that already works and separate it. Oh, man. We are. The, like, 12 people that were listening, like, two of them are now understanding what we're talking about.

Yeah, this has been a lot of shots. Let's hit pause and get on the Google machine and find out what Clickster is. You guys read the fucking trade, the business. I don't even know what kind of newspaper it would be on, but I don't fucking. Whatever. Fuck. You guys read the Wall Street Times? Right times you guys uh that's another thing i wish i told more substantive things because like i'm like you know i am blowjobs and pedophiles are substance to some people like i fucking know

about things that's the other thing that's like at this stage of my career it's like i just want to be funny and i just want people to laugh at me but yeah at some point i do want it like i'm trying to do stuff about religion you guys saw some of it uh at the an open mic and i did at umbc and i'm trying to you know work on it and i'm trying to do stuff and about politics and just in general i guess not topical political stuff but just like more about how shitty the world is and that kind of thing. But it's hard because it's so much easier to talk about dick jokes. And that'll work at a bar. That'll work at a comedy club. That'll work in a theater if it's funny.

You can fucking get snooty people to laugh at dick jokes if they're funny enough. And so it's just fucking hard for me to wean off the dick. I'm like, I just saw the image I had was like me as a hamster, but instead of a water bottle, there's just a dick that I'm just dribbling off. Stavros, get off the dick. Let's get you some dick methadone, Stavros. Oh, shit. Start writing those religious jokes, Stavros.

I'm working on them tonight, probably. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm going to some open mic in Ellicott City. I've never done it before. Oh, Cocoa Lane? Cocoa Lane. Yeah, yeah. So I'm trying that out.

And then, I don't know. I might do something tomorrow. I have a fucking Google calendar for comedy. I've never had a calendar in my life ever. And I started to keep track of all the places. Because, like, just if you want to do five spots a week, you have to be on top. Like, I'm booking things for June now because you have to do that to make sure to get. Is that what you do?

You do about, what's your average for how many nights you go out a week? The average has been, I guess when I was working out this new 10 minutes, I was doing three spots a week, I'd say. And that was the month of February. But then March, I had a fucking ton of shit to do. And again, that's the thing. Life's been getting in the way for me. So I'm trying to just clear it out and hope tutoring and the after school program ends

in the summer with the kids. So I'm trying to get it. Realistically, I want to do in the summer, i'm only going to be working one part-time job so i want to do five spots a night and i would fucking do seven nights a week if i could um and i wish there was places you could do two two night two rooms a night i would do that too i just i if there was some fucking if there was like a little okay there's a dragon ball z reference what was that and our listeners are back what was that chamber they would go into the high hyperbolic time chamber where it's like they would train and fucking for you know a minute

would be a year or something i fucked girls in high school. What he said. But no, if there was like a fucking room where I could freeze time and do a different night, you know, I could do three shows a night, a different place every night, I would do it. Like, I would love nothing more than to go on tour right now. I would love to just, even if it's just shitty open mics if i can be in a fresh audience twice twice a night holy fuck i would do it in a heartbeat yeah that seems so fun to me too just also just uh like you were saying bringing your friends to shows if you could just tour with a couple people that you really like just get in a van and then fucking well go across the country or whatever

the most annoying thing is we talked about how it's repetitive right like comedy you have to work your set out and that's key but the truth is if you're you know there's fucking tops tops if you get very resourceful there's 10 reliable rooms you could do you know in this area i would say i think that's high ball yeah exactly like super and i'm talking if you're booking your own shows like you know you or i are doing like if you if tops that's what you can do and you have to cycle around them so it's this weird thing where i have to be like i literally like type up all my set lists and i'm like what did i tell this so i don't want to do the same shit over again it's a lot of the same people too i mean a lot of the audience is comedians as well and

they're like oh we fucking heard this already see i use that as uh i do the same rooms over and over again when i'm working out material and i use that as uh i do the same rooms over and over again when i'm working out material and i use that as a motivation not to do the same jokes and write new ones right like i go to red house tavern every week and sidebar every other week and never repeat jokes right um because i feel like if i i want there to be the same people there because that forces me throughout the week to come up with new shit or at least throw new stuff out there no and that's the thing is like i i that's what i'm i'm always like fighting between what should i do because at this point i just want to get to a point where i have

like 15 like dynamite minutes right and we're talking about you know i probably have 25 minutes of like loose stuff that i want to just fucking get like tight and i want to get like i could that i want to be able to kill and i want want to get like I could that I want to be able to kill and I want it to be as audience proof as material can be right but you can't do that you know what I mean so it's this you know it's this weird thing of like uh how many and I'm thinking about I have some couple friends in New York so I'm thinking about like really planning it out where I'll do like a month of every room in Maryland I can do and then I'll go do the same material in different places for a month

and then just have it ready to go and then, you know, cycle it into like doing new material. It's a good way to go about it. I don't know. This is like, it's funny because, you know, this is just us talking about how we want to do comedy. I feel like i should tell jokes and be funny but like i just the problem is i am such a comedy nerd like yeah i literally

could talk i can talk seriously about just my plans about comedy for fucking for hours and that's what i do in my spare time is like i'll listen to a comedy podcast like i when i was getting back into it i would listen to just the records that I loved and a lot of people I wanted to emulate. I was listening to a lot of Jessalyn. I was listening to a lot of fucking Rodney Dangerfield is my favorite. Just to really get into a joke writing kind of mindset.

Yeah, a lot of one-liners. Absolutely. And like Hedberg for some reason, like I love him, but it just doesn't feel like the same thing to me. Like, he's so unique in his perspective,

but I think Jesselnik and Dangerfield, like, right at that Venn diagram is kind of what I'm going for. Like, I'm a fat loser, but I'm also like, a really observant,

mean, you know, dickhead. So it it's like so I guess that's kind of like exactly what I was going for you sound like such a lovable guy when you describe yourself like that I'm glad we introduced you into the podcast like you know what you just seem so warm on stage

just so I'm a Venn diagram of a piece of shit I'm the worst of two really good comics i think i'm the worst parts of uh both of them um but yeah that's what i've been and a lot of my jokes are just like let me see if i can like alienate the audience and win them back in the space of seven seconds like that's what damn you know that's what i'd say three of my jokes that i can really think of that i love telling like i just i'll tell like i have a cancer joke and i have the one about your friend yeah i was thinking about it i love that fucking joke so much you want to tell it uh should i is that yeah hey it's not his podcast

no i mean dance monkey well people that are listening like oh i fucking love that bit like yeah it's good. Moving on. The whole joke, essentially, the joke is how I have a friend who... It's basically like... Cancer is a really shitty thing that happens to people.

But sometimes, shitty things happen to shitty people. And then we have to pretend like they're not shitty. Like just because they're shitty. So I was talking about this guy I know. And, you know, I don't wish him any ill. Like when he had cancer, I really wanted him to beat it.

But like I didn't want him to die. But the thing is like this guy was just such he would brag about literally everything. And so the joke is like I set the audience up with hey do you guys have any people who brag you know any people that brag and so it sets them up where it's like yeah fuck people that brag and I'm trying to

write a joke about how shitty this guy is so that it's even more cemented that this is a bad person you should not root for this person and then it goes into well I have a friend like that but recently he beat cancer and so it's like you know um uh recently he beat cancer so then it's like they put it together there's you know and i have to set that joke up where there's literally probably five different places a laugh could come because it's like it's like trapeze nets i have like five

different punch lines because right off the bat people don't want to hear about if they have a family member who survived cancer they survived cancer no one wants a joke at the expense of any cancer survivor and basically the joke is like no that's bullshit fuck they're still shitty people fuck them sure they survived cancer but can we just say he brags too much so the joke is i fucking i was gonna tell it but i never did the the joke is like because i have from the brags like that but recently he beat cancer and i really wanted him to you know beat it absolutely but um now he'll never shut the fuck up about beating cancer for the rest of his life and and then it's like and i had to couch it in terms

of and the shitty thing is like he's making me hate cancer survivors like that so that's you know crutch number one like even though that is the shitty thing but also fuck that guy well it's good it's good too because then that also makes him a bad guy in another way right exactly so it's like he's making me hate cancer survivors and he'll say things like Oh I beat cancer What I would think was Really isn't what you mean to say You got cancer in America and had health insurance You want to impress me

Get cancer in Ethiopia Beat it on an empty stomach Beat it in a hospital made out of banana peels And then we'll talk So literally right there you saw I paused four times and there's four different spaces that a laugh would come in. And I've had a crowd that laughs at the setup because they've done the math. Well, yeah.

It's a great setup. It'd be like, he's an asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. So they laugh throughout. And then I've had people who like just the banana peels line will get them. And that's my last hope. If everyone's silent and I say the banana peels line because a hospital made out of banana peels just an absurd image so hopefully that so when you're

telling jokes that are that awful which i still like i said i want to be like this mean you know guy who just tells it like it is but even you can tell them the construction of that joke i'm still kind of scared to take that risk because you know at this level you're just trying to be funny you're just trying to get people to, uh, well, it's not how you really feel either. Like,

fuck people with cancer. Am I right? Oh, no, it is. Right. All right. Cause I watched terms of endearment

and I'm like, fuck Debra. Where's will? I don't know. Is that the bitch on will and grace? I don't know. What, uh,

no, it's Debra messing. No, like, either way way fuck them both like i've watched 50 50 and i was rooting for cancer the whole time this is too cute this is too fucking uh too much of an adorable version of beating cancer what was the uh what was the first joke you wrote where you like were proud of it you knew like it was kind of what you were going for with your comedy uh definitely i don't know if you've heard the water bottle joke i do no i'm trying i'm trying to keep it out of uh i'm trying to keep it like i close with it at mcgooby yeah i mean you don't have to tell it right like uh like i'm just trying to keep it out of the rotation because i'm trying to write new material but

i mean i just it was just a joke about how it was the first joke where I was just like oh fucking that is hilarious like I told some other jokes that are okay they're fun they're like they'll get a laugh and again like I said about I'm reaching for the lowest common denominator about you know having a little dick and fucking premature ejaculation. Things that don't even apply to me, but are like, like I said, that's the stock part of my act. It's the best version of kind of hacky material. That's what some of my act is. But making it your own. Exactly.

It's a different take. I still like to do things. A lot of my jokes are metaphors or mixed metaphors. A lot of it is just in the construction of my sentences and a lot of it is in you know uh parallel structure and that kind of thing um so it's the best version of that those kinds of jokes but yeah i wrote a joke that was kind of a mixed metaphor and i was like and i didn't realize it at the time but you know i would tell that and it would kill and and i would just read it and be like and it came through it came through um i had to

rewrite it and rewrite that was one of those instances where it was a page long about how i got no there's this one specific girl literally every part of my act the first part was about this girl in high school you know my first girlfriend in high school who was a fucking bitch right like uh cheated on me i still tell some jokes about that kind of stuff. Second one was about this girl I was in love with in college who was who, you know, but she had a boyfriend and we dated for a little bit. But if I can, I was in, you know, depressed, I was depressed and like fatter than I've ever been after she broke up with him. So I blew it. And then now I have a whole chunk about my current girlfriend because my life is different like i can't i and a lot of the reason i stopped doing stand-up is because i didn't have any artistic drive and i got tired of telling the jokes about you know uh that and so um fuck i don't i'm just fucking just how you got to that joke i guess yeah so yeah how i got to

that joke was uh i would i just ranted about how shitty this girl's boyfriend was i wrote a page about oh fucking sometimes girls you like have bad boyfriends and there's no jokes whatsoever like i had something i'm really sad on the inside yeah it was i tried to write jokes about that and then i got to this thing and then there's this whole intro about burying my penis in a graveyard like this bizarre stuff and none of that was funny and like this water bottle idea was like a throwaway and then it just became like a but if you want to see it how about a plug i'm on a podcast huh whoa may uh may 10th i'm doing the umbc show i host a monthly show oh yeah that's right and hampton yunt yount i don't fucking remember former guests yeah he's been on the show i

listened to that one and the last one you did is you know prepare myself but i i love hampton that guy yeah he's super funny i when i started that like little stretch was like there's a ton of guys that were like on their way out that i caught a glimpse of and hampton was probably my favorite and you mentioned seaton he's one of those guys in dc there's a good generation of comics where it's like seaton hampton uh rory scovall had just left when i started yeah exactly there's those that's exactly i caught the tail end of them and some other guys who there's another crop that are in new york now that i you know they did the first i was on the same open mic system when I started, but they don't fucking remember me.

Yeah. Um, but yeah, so, uh, I'll probably tell it. I think we're taping that one. My friend bus has got it,

got it, got his hands on some HD cameras. Okay. Um, and any, actually any convenience you're listening, my friend buses, I have more plugs.

Fuck it. He's a great videographer and a great, uh, I mean, I know you guys do audio shit, so I don't want to, that's how we describe it. He's a great videographer and a great, I mean I know you guys do audio shit so I don't want to. That's how we describe it. Yeah, we do audio shit. I don't want to fucking step in on your business but

if you're looking for video, I don't know if you do that. Not yet. Okay, well. Maybe we can combine forces. Hey, we'll talk about that afterwards. You know I do but there's plenty of room out there for all of us. Yeah. That's good. On Better Robot Records. there for all of us. Yeah, that's good. On Better Robot Records.

Absolutely. But no, so yeah, he's going to tape it, so I'm probably going to do some of my best stuff there that night. So come on out and see it. I'll actually come check it out. It's right by my house. Sweet. Sweet, dude.

Oh, yeah, so that's May 10th? May 10th. All right, let's get some music for plugs, I think. Say everything you just said, but with a music bed. All right. A pretty, pretty music bed. Now we're talking. So, everybody.

No, you don't have to read it. Thursday. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. Josh, it's already started. Thursday. Hey, go for it. Thursday, May 10th. Oh.

Bring your esophaguses and just shove laughs through them. Shove them. Out of your mouth. Yeah. Because we're going to be telling hilarious jokes. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. There's going to be water bottles that I talked about but never told you what I meant.

Oh, you got to find out. There'll be a joke about cancer that I half told And gave away the punchline to That you'll probably be annoyed to hear Because it's actually funny And more importantly there'll be Hampton Local product now out in LA Out in LA Check out his episode of Digression Sessions

Check it out It's a really awesome episode Thank you sir And just about if anybody wants to find out how to become better at comedy, Hampton was just like do it every day. If you didn't get

enough shop talk on this episode, go to Hampton's episode. So, yeah, Thursday, May 10th, 9 o'clock, UMBC free show. Hell yeah.

Come on out. That show's great, guys. The room is great. Yeah. Fucking people should come out. It's a really good show. I saw you perform at that show with Umar and Jason Weems.

Hilarious. Yeah, it was great. Also a pass. I listened to that one, too, actually. Thank you. Yeah, fuck. I listened to two and a half of your podcast. That makes me want to go back and listen to this podcast when it was good.

All right, I'm going to fuck you, dude. I got really... The dog just ran into the room, and that was really weird because the door was shut, and I was like, how the fuck did Munson just get in here? Just like her little paws twisting that. Anyway. We reference your imaginary girlfriend a lot.

Yeah. Back to the Batman episode. Thanks, Steve. Oh, plugs? Yeah, please. Oh, okay. Butt plugs. Thanks, Steve. Oh, plugs? Yeah, please. Oh, okay. Butt plugs. May 17th.

This is Mike Finazzo, by the way. May 17th. That'll be at Stable. This is for all the people just tuning in. Just fast forward to an hour in. Those of you who just came in to listen to plugs. Have a marker on it when you post it. May 17th,

that'll be at Stables in Westminster, which will be a show. May 19th. What a praise. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba. Plug, plug.

May 19th, that'll be at the Carroll Arts Center in Frederick, Maryland, which will actually be an awesome show. It's in a big theater. Oh, shit.

Theater show. That should be close to selling out, so buy your tickets in advance. G-g-g-g-g. May 27th, we'll be selling the CD for the first time at High Tops Bar & Grill with your headliner. Oh, yeah. I'm getting too old for this shit. It's all good.

Why hasn't that been on the whole time why after every cool thing i've said which was like three couldn't you have just been like it's all good we'll fix it post no no listen let's post everything's okay you want to know why why is that it's all good god that is so good it's all in, you could say... It's all good. Oh, shit. It's all good. Let's fucking lay down some beats.

Oh, shit. We'll get a freestyle battle. Let's kick off a cypher. Nerdy. Yeah. Nerdy white guys. That was almost a second of rapping, Josh. Oh, that's how I get stuck.

Oh, no, you know, I'm just hyping it up. I can't hear my snare, though. I got to turn my snare up. That's probably what's fucking me up. Finish your plugs, Mike. I love Tidal to the metal. Hey, hey, you're not driving the show. I'm just 79.

And we'll fucking sit here. I don't need your permission to do my plug. We'll fucking meander all good. Don't do your, I don't give a fuck. Just like I don't need your permission to do stand-up on May 27th. Whoa! At High Stops Backstage Bar and Grill. We'll be selling the album for the first time.

Fucking right. You could also come to the CD release party on May 28th. It's also my birthday. What did you say? You know what? Fuck that album. You know what? Fuck the guy who recorded it.

Holy shit. Fuck the record label. Look, Mike Moran is not here to defend himself. Jesus Christ, Stavros. We all know he is the brains behind the album. You don't want to listen to me when I talk to you about plugs? What? Fuck it.

I'm saying this on your own airwaves. That album sucks dick. I've heard a relief. Advanced copy. It's awful. Don't buy it. Here's the thing, Stavros. He edits the shit.

God damn it. Also, I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice. You're a real fucking asshole. He's spreading misinformation. I'm not a fucking Canadian. You little dick fucking Canadian asshole. Hey, Ian Brown is not here to defend himself. He doesn't have a little dick.

That's true. Speaking of big black dicks, stupid genius. My album of Big Black Dicks stupid genius my album Big Black Dicks but retitled and re-released as Fuck Stavros

that's what you guys get well Stavros I hope you enjoyed your time on the show it's not all good because you'll never come back it's not all good

everybody don't listen to what the drop says alright well turning your mic off now. Anyway. You just peed homes to him. This is bullshit!

Alright. Can you shoot him? Trank him. Please do. Everybody, get the album. It's coming out end of the month. It's going to be exciting. It'll be on iTunes. And the show

will be free. There's no assholes. Don't backpedal. You piece of shit. Matt Betts didn't do this to us. He's been on television. Fuck you, Snobros. I didn't catch the second half.

I was too busy listening to a good podcast. Alright, I'mros. Diddy, I didn't catch the second half. I was too busy. I was too busy listening to a good podcast. All right, I'm done. Wow, okay. You guys on your own. This is actually, I really enjoy this podcast tonight. He's doing the same thing I did. I was like, fuck you, Stavros.

Then I spent 10 minutes talking about how funny you are. And then you're like, shit, I am an asshole. You guys are great. I like your tie. That's just comics in general like fuck you you're the worst I hate everyone but I haven't

I haven't shit on you all episode and you were the best record producer in the business you were the Rick Rubin of Hamden I appreciate it

that's why I'm growing out this beard I've gone vegan it's going nice I'm working with the Dixie Chicks it's looking nice so far yeah thanks

thanks Stop Bros I appreciate all the compliments the beard's good. This reminds me of the infamous Bud Dwyer episode. Yeah, and it's a good thing it's at the end, too. That's funny because I was planning on killing myself in this episode. I actually have a show to get to, so if you were to kill yourself, wait until after I leave.

No, no, no. Kill yourself on air. I love the Bud Dwyer. Oh, no, still recorded, but I'm not going to be here. Because that is the best video, when the guy tells people to show some decorum. I love the Bud Dwyer. Oh, no, still recorded, but I'm not going to be here. Because that is the best video when the guy tells people to show some decorum. I love that part. There's a guy who's like, show some decorum, everyone. And it's like, how about you fucking told that to Bud Dwyer before he did the most selfish

fucking attention hoggy thing? Keep your composure, man. My favorite is the guy. You could literally see a waterfall of blood and brain just leaking out of the guy's face. And somebody's like, hey, call an ambulance. What the fuck are they going to do? He just shot a gun point blank in his mouth. Hey, guys, come on.

Call 911. All right. Speaking of blowing your brains out, better robot records dot com.com. For all your Josh Gaviria-deeds. Betterrobotrecords.com. I'm sorry, guys. No, it's going great. It's going great. Hey, we're here, guys.

Let's just try to keep going. Longest podcast ever. What do you think? Seven more hours? Can we both call into the shows we're doing tonight just over the phone? Yeah, that would be fun. That would be a lot of fun unfortunately i don't have room on my computer fellas i'm getting a note from the producer

that's time to wrap it up man that guy is such a dick yeah he's the fucking worst josh cadern as a saint thank you mike yeah maryland manson's great i would not blow actually i think mike had it right with going to Virginia and watching Maryland Mets. All right, well. Come on, guys. MattBetz.com. ASTRecords.com. Matt is hilarious.

DougLovesMovies.com. Are we just doing things we like now? Check out the notice. 1057theFan.com. Orange Sherbert's pretty good. Chili Cheese Tater Dbet. It's pretty good. Chili cheese tater tots. It's Sonic. This has been great, guys.

This is actually... Okay, it was a fun show. I feel like... I really did have a good time. We're just going to fucking go up and down the entire time. No, but seriously, you're an asshole. But I had fun. You guys are great.

I have an improv show. That I'd like to block. Oh, goddammit you're an asshole. But I had fun. You guys are great. I have an improv show that I'd like to plug. Oh, goddammit. I'm sorry. You're trying to plug. Oh, man. At least the three of us are going to enjoy this. I forgot Josh was here. I just saw Red.

Oh, boy. We have fun, huh, guys? We have fun. May 12th at The Strand. There's a Baltimore improv show? We have fun. May 12th at The Strand. There's a Baltimore improv show. Everybody come out. May 11th and 12th. My troop will be performing on the 12th.

Please come out. Heather Moyer's funny. Yes. Thanks. Everybody in my troop is funny. I'd be wearing a better robot with this t-shirt. Be called Josh Caderno and the Cadernos. That's the name of my troop.

All right. Let's fucking end this thing. Let's do it. Thank you, guys. Eat your burrito. Enjoy your taco. Stavros, do you want to have it throw out a nerdish thing? What?

Stavros, why did you say entourage talks? Oh, man. Are we doing, like, Mexican foods? Is that what I heard? Chalupas. Just chalupas? Chalupas. Just chalupas. Chalupas.