The Digression Sessions - Ep. 37 - Bryan Preston!

Episode Date: May 20, 2012

"Why This Typewriter Don’t Do Capital Letters?" Hola Digheads! On this week’s show comedian, writer, educator, Bryan Preston, joins Josh and Mike Moran for a nice interview in the Dig Sesh HQ. Bryan is a very funny man – or at least that’s what they say…And we agree with “they.” Bryan has been doing comedy for a few years in the Baltimore DC Virginia area. But, on this episode we dive deep into Bryan’s history of terrible jobs. From selling mattresses, working at Best Buy, and educating America’s youth – Bryan has hated all of his day jobby jobs. Apparently, the world of mattress sales is exactly like Glengarry Glen Ross. If you flip that mattress, there’s a dirty under belly! Bryan shares some great stories on this one. We also discuss a number of topics for this episode including, but not limited to: Shifty “Shiflock” from the Butterfly Group, Comics Unleashed, 50 Shades of Grey, romance novels in general, breast feeding, hiding your personal life from coworkers, what happens when Mom’s go to your comedy show, terrible college students and the horrible things they say, and much more! AND….it’s official Mike Finazzo’s album “Stupid Genius” is available via Josh’s record label Better Robot Records on iTunes, Amazon, and Spotify!? Only $3.99 on iTunes! (BetterRobotRecords.com) Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should Mike Moran cut his hair?!?! Say it on our forum!! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @JKuderna @MichaelMoran10 @TheSkullBase (Bryan Preston)

Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Welcome everybody. How are you out there in podcast land? Don't be shy. You can tell us. Come on. Be honest. What?

Guys? Are you serious? I would talk to your guidance counselor about that. That's disturbing. You're going to want to get special shampoo for that. Wow. Our guest is doling out the advice already. Yeah, well, who could resist with it?

Wow. Things are getting dark here pretty quick. That ought to be a lot of blood. Yeah. A lot of Mormons, too. Never go to vacation in Cambodia. Right. Josh Kaderna.

That's all the time we have. Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. I'm one half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh Koderna. And I'm the solipsist with a slipped disc, Mike Moran. And our guest today, the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I gave myself a new nickname doesn't mean I'm still... Well, what about the half? You gave up on the half.

You can't just have one half of a pair of earbuds. That'd be an earbud. Yeah. Well, nobody said that I wasn't the other half. Just because I have. You didn't say it. That's the problem. Fine.

Whatever. Look, you can be. No, no. By all means. Just throw around the other half of your. Well, just because you're the solipsist with the lips. Look, I don't care. Josh, I need you to embrace my latest nickname.

All right. That I gave myself and no one cares about. That's the thing is you can never give yourself your own nickname. I know. Mike Moran, the self-proclaimed solipsist with the slip disc. Mike Moran, sexiest man on earth. You know, that's funny. I used to, like, actually say that about myself,

and I thought about that today for, like, the longest time, the first time in forever. Is that because somebody made, like, a fake People magazine cover to tag you on it that said sexiest man alive? I think that's where I got the idea. It was you eating a sandwich. But, no, that didn't actually exist with me in the centerpiece of that. You were on the side.

Mike Moran. Pregnant again? Cool. I'm like, what the hell? I paid $30 for this at King's Dominion and they just had me in this tiny blurb? Dog fighting shocker. Pregnant again? Mike Moran.

Baby bump? Upskirt scandal? Mike Moran plastic surgery debacle. Mike Moran without makeup on. Double exclamation point. I don't think you belong in the Say About the Bell Where Are They Now article. Oh. Well, welcome to the podcast, comedian Brian Preston.

Funny man, Brian Preston. Very funny. Very funny. That's what they say. That's probably the worst response. That's what they tell me. I don't think I'm funny at all. Yeah, it's really. Honestly, sort of like what I look at it like.

It's like, are you familiar with like Baroque music? You know, just that sort of tinny, opulent sound of suffering. You mean rap metal? Yes, actually, that too. Yeah, no, I consider it like that, just with more dick jokes. Rap metal with more dick jokes. Rap metal with more dick jokes. You do look really good with a backwards red hat, though.

I don't know. Hey, no homo, bro. Hey, no, it's cool. Look, less homo. Negative homo. How many star tattoos do you have tattooed on your arm? Well, the first one I got in membranes of Shifty Shiflock from... Is he still alive?

Oh, he's dead, actually. Really? When did he die? Like a couple years ago, junkie. No, no, no. Yes, no. Shifty Shiflock is dead. I think you're getting confused.

Somewhat recently, because he was on Dr. Drew last year. Yeah, and he relapsed to death. Why didn't I hear about this? Because he's Shifty Shiflock from the Butterfly Group. I heard about Mike Starr. I loved his eulogy you gave him. Are you sure about this? I am like 95% sure that Shifty Shiflock is dead.

Shifty Sherlock from the Butterfly Group. If you know his name that well, then perhaps I'll believe you. Yeah, no, it was a very popular song for like two weeks

when I was in college. So yeah, I'm pretty familiar with the musical stylings of Butterfly. I knew Crazy Town before Butterfly because I saw their video

for Toxic on the box. Oh, wow. Yep. They still carry the box on cable providers? You're saying that as though I just said, I just saw the video for Toxic on the box. I mean wow. Do they still carry the box on cable providers? You're saying that as though I just said, I just saw the video for Toxic on the box.

I don't know. This was like the year 2000. That's a rhetorical question. The year 2000. Actually, it's shifty shell shock. Yeah, yeah. Not shift lock. Shift lock is something you go to your auto repair service for

or you could get on a keyboard possibly oh yeah that's what he was influenced by he got a shifty shell shock one day from his mechanic and crazy town was born shifty shell shock is what happens when you're in royal war one and come home damaged yeah got the shifty shell shock son of a bitch has never been the same no that's that's really what they called it at that point. Not shifty, but shell-shocked. Yeah. I've heard shell-shocked before. It didn't originate with the Ninja Turtles.

Okay. It was a little appropriate for the Ninja Turtles to use a term that's used to describe the enemy's veterans. I mean, it's like they only said it when they died. Right. You're psychologically ruined. Grandparent with their kid watching TV one day like, let's get shell shocked. This is what I fought for? Grandpa, you're lame.

Oh, boy. It's like the deer hunter with turtles. I just see somebody playing Russian roulette with turtles. That's what I was picturing. It started spinning the revolver. One of them is a snapping turtle. You don't know which one. Find out tonight at 5.

Well, Brian, thanks again for coming over. Thanks for having me. I saw you the other night at Mike Fonazzo's open mic. You were very funny trying out some new stuff. That's what I like to do. You're working on a novel um you know i well actually you know what now that i think about my fake novel um which is pretty much erotic fiction for middle-aged women that's a good market it really is because honestly i started to write like a bunch of novels that i would

actually like enjoy reading but i can never finish those i don't think other people would pay money for them sure So I'm thinking just writing Spankfic for middle-aged ladies is probably a good investment. Those books don't even have to be good. You mean like romance novels?

Because apparently everyone's feeling like the number one book on Amazon is that 50 Shades of Grey book. I was trying to pre-order Max Payne 3 the other day, and I found that out. And it wasn't like other people that got Max Payne 3 also got 50 Shades of Grey. There's a lot of crossovers. Old ladies,

man. They're fucking brutal online. But yeah, my buddy's wife was reading it, so it was horribly written. So I figured, hey, I could write a terrible book like that. Are we being sarcastic here, or are you really working on this uh no i wrote a bit about it yeah okay i was doing my best so who was that is it byron allen he hosts the show uh comics unleashed uh i think that is byron now it's always like on that one channel yeah i forget yeah yeah it's not just comedy yeah something

weird like g4 wb no not even that like it's g4 exactly um television for gamers yeah really that's actually what it is it's horrible but uh have you guys seen comics unleashed um i have like changed the channel to uh from comedy central then like my remote has stopped working so i've seen like oh god um yeah i've seen the same way just flipping through and then i've seen clips online uh why do i feel like b Preston is just full of excuses today? My remote control stopped working. I was looking for Max Payne 3. I was trying to watch The Twilight Zone, not Twilight.

It's what I do, man. It's how I get out of things. Excuses. Lame, random excuses, but no, I was trying to preorder. See, if I was Byron, I'd be like, Brian, you have a lot of excuses don't you he would just do like these terrible feeds like to try to set people up for bits and it was just so awkward like norm mcdonald had uh had a bit about a uh getting old or something like a whole chunk just about how it sucks getting old and this is his transition to norm he goes so norm i hear you're getting old first of's one of the most awkward things to say.

First of all, it's kind of a cut down. Like, you look old. Tell us about it. But yeah, that would be the show. I hear you're getting old. Did you guys hear about Norm? He's aging. What? So Mike, I hear it is what it is.

And that was just supposed to, you know, launch you into your bit organically. But yeah, so there's 50 Sh 50 shades of gray i don't know much about it shifty shades of 50 shades of shell shock um so wait it's just it is actually erotic fiction um yeah according to my friend's wife it is just like um some light bondage literatica for middle age women has there ever has anyone ever like literati taken the the middle-aged women. Has anyone ever taken the middle-aged lady romance novel genre and done something really good with it? Is there a series of really good romance novels out there?

You know what? I actually used to work at a discount bookstore. I'm glad you're here to answer this question. I can't answer this. I used to work at a discount bookstore. We'd sell a lot of them. And no, the answer is no. All terrible.

I mean, it'll just be like, you know, it's just like kind of overwrought in some cases. And then, you know, it'd be like description of time period or pirate ship, let's say. A lot of them take place on pirate ships. NASCAR? There's like NASCAR romance? Yeah, there's a NASCAR one.

Really? Yeah. You guys are both so sure about that. I think I read about it on Cracked or something like that. Who's got excuses now? No, I was looking for pictures of boobs. That one actually I do have the answer for. It was like Area Comic.

Captain Yount had a bit about it. And he used to do that a fair amount. He actually would bring the book with him. Oh, the NASCAR? Maybe that's where I heard about it. Yeah, that's probably where you heard about it. Because I remember he used to use that as his closer for a while. Okay.

That's very possible. Yeah. it. Because I remember he used to use that as his closer for a while. Okay. Yeah. That's very possible. Yeah. Right. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I thought we were talking about it. Yeah, they're all terrible books.

I got you. I got you. Eroticism. It's all left turns, though. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Does the wheel even turn right?

I guess it would have to to get out of the... It has to. I mean, to get out of crashes, but I don't really think And to get out of the pit. Yes. Is that what they call it? The pit? Mm-hmm.

I don't know what you guys are talking about at all. Well, you just confirmed the pit. Okay. That's all the time we have again, guys. Yeah, right. No, what were you talking about?

NASCAR. Yeah. Oh. You can't turn right. It's all left turns. Exactly. Okay. Got lost there for a second.

I lost on the track, guys. Let's get back on track. I can imagine myself getting lost on a NASCAR track. Got the GPS going. These fellas need to slow down. Does anybody know where the track is? Why are all these people here watching me drive? I don't know why you're an old Jewish guy in that situation.

Yeah, well, you know. That's kind of just what we do, I guess. Yeah, it happens. That doesn't have to be an old Jewish guy. It could be a young guy just with a New York accent who smoked cigarettes. Could be. But it isn't. I knew this guy in Virginia who was from Texas

and had a very strong New York accent. And when I asked him about it, he said, yeah, I don't know where I got it from. Do you think he's just faking it the entire time? I mean, he must have been. Maybe that was the way he hides his anxieties by faking that. Becoming a tough New Yorker guy. Yeah, it worked for my cousin Vinny.

And Joe Pesci and everything. People still think Joe Pesci's cool, I guess. How is your cousin Vinny? He's okay. He's mending nicely. He really dodged a bullet on that court case. Is Joe Pesci not a New Yorker? No, I seriously hope so.

Like, you know me, Joe Pesci from Montana. You know, yeah. Oh, boy. Well, Brian, how long have you been doing the stand-ups? I've been doing the stand-ups, gee whiz. I want to say since like January of 2008, something like that. So yeah, about like four years change. I take some breaks here and there.

I took some breaks for school and what have you. General apathy sometimes, you know. So I just got to take a little time away. That's what you were studying though, general apathy. Actually, you know what? Because I do work in higher education, yes. So it would be just general apathy to student questions. Yeah, actually, that's one of the key things to learn is, like, to just not care about how your students do.

That seems antithetical to most of what I've heard about teaching. You know what, though? It's because it's college, right? You can't coddle them. Oh, you teach college? Yeah. Yeah, he teaches at, uh... Don't say it.

Phoenix University. coddle him oh you teach college yeah yeah he teaches at uh don't say it phoenix university oh no i teach at a local historically uh hbcu historically black college or university uh gotcha yeah i don't like to say their name uh fucking umbc it's like candy man um pretty much yeah no i say like three times uh in a mirror and someone from work finds out about it. They just show up like, hey! Yeah, no. Actually, a guy I work with said he was going to cover the show tonight. I hope he forgets. I do talk about the institution where I work.

Not the most favorable. You don't have to say the name, though, do you? I don't. I don't ever. Could you get in trouble if you did? Probably not. I just don't. It's not to be awkward. It makes sense to just throw that out there in the off chance someone never does hear about it right i mean one of the 36 views on my youtube videos could be from a co-worker

right yeah well the other 35 are you so um you're not supposed to tell people that sorry sorry we'll cut it we'll cut it out we'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. You cut that shit. That comment, a thumbs down. Oh, Brian, I don't want to be a dick, but you really got to get on that microphone. Oh, oh, really? Does that sound louder? Yeah, it does actually sound louder.

I did not know. I did like I can taste it. Yeah, I told you. Yeah. OK. I thought you were like joking about like I thought it was pretty close. But no, like this is. Yeah.

Oh, God. Yeah. This microphone tastes terrible. It tastes like every comedian in Baltimore. about like i thought it was pretty close but no like this is yeah oh god yeah this microphone tastes terrible it tastes like every comedian in baltimore okay that tastes like insert lady's name here no we don't have too many ladies on no there really aren't a few ladies we had uh we had the kathy carsons oh and jen tisdale jen tisdale's we've had uh and they ruined it for the rest of your girlfriends yeah i guess she's never technically been on. Has she sat down with the mic before? Yeah, when Maria Alexander flaked on us.

Oh, right. Women, right? Can't live with them. Period. Am I right, fellas? You are right, actually. I have a joke about... Oh, God. Can't get away with killing the white ones in America. Oh, boy.

Sorry, that took its place. That's an oldie but a goodie. Oh, boy. Can't get away with killing the white ones in America. Oh, boy. Sorry, that took its place. That's an oldie but a goodie. Oh, boy. Yikes. Are those really the only two females we've had on the show? No, we've had Bridget. Yes. I apologize to Bridget.

We've had Bridget on the show. Yeah, but that's about it. I mean, we're looking to have some more ladies on the show, you know. Ladies. Clothing optional. Am I right? No, internet radio. Because we want to, you know. Ladies. Clothing optional. Am I right? No, internet radio.

Because we want to see their breasts. Yeah. Well, who doesn't? It makes us sexually aroused. Yeah. Because it represents reproduction. I still breastfeed. I don't.

You look great on the cover of Time Magazine. I know, right? I still breastfeed. Brian Preston. Yeah, that actually I stole breast free. Brian Preston. Yeah, that actually should be the quote of Forrest. Brian Preston finally comes out. Yeah, that's my secret. I want to stay looking young. I heard Queen Latifah came out recently.

That's true. It's about bloody time. Hasn't everybody already kind of known that, though? Yeah. But so what? It's still a big deal when you come out. Yeah. I mean, it'll still be a big deal when you come out. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it'll still be a big deal when you come out.

Affirming. Well, yeah. Most of the time. I think everybody already knows. Right. That I'm in love with Jesus. That's cool. This guy I work with.

Jesus. Jesus Martinez. Jesus. Yeah, but back to uh um no it's always weird when your work life and your personal life kind of collide yeah is that weirder in the uh the collegiate world of faculty college but like between faculty like um you know honestly we stay in our little like office or the heidi hole area and I just mainly stay in there. Do you work with hidey hole?

I do, actually. She found Jesus. She's reformed some things in her life. And she's doing a lot of good work for the kids. Yeah, ever since tool time ended, she needed to work on her career. God. Thank you. That wasn't bad.

Thank you. Deborah Dunning, I believe her name was. Yeah. Pamela Anderson, too. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, though. And we're all nerds. Yeah. Actually, I believe her name was. Yeah. Pamela Anderson, too. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, though. And we're all nerds.

Yeah. Actually, my parents' name. No, that's not even. Being into home improvement doesn't make you a nerd. That makes you something far, far worse. What? What would you call it? Us.

You know, actually, my parents retroactively named me after zachary ty brian um oh yeah i'm sorry i've been just calling you brian the whole time yeah no retroactively named after zachary they're like you know what we're changing your name it's still gonna be brian but you're named after this kid on home improvement now all right not your grandfather zachary bride tie please go on with uh working with uh other professors and hiding your secret life oh yeah i just don't talk to him that's that's there's like no great secret i just uh we don't talk a lot and then um whenever they bring up comedy like yeah i hate comedy it's the worst boot of that he's wearing a wire yeah pretty much man uh yeah we just don't discuss

it i do not talk about my personal life ever. Never? Never. Like, what did you do this weekend? I was like, you know what? I sat in deep meditation for about two days, and then I came back to work. Okay. I'll be one of your coworkers.

All right. Hey, Brian, what are you doing tonight? I'm sorry. Hey, Zach. Zach Bright's eye. What are you doing tonight? Well, I was going to go home, and then I was going to sleep for 14 hours. Oh.

Yes. Okay. Sounds like you're depressed. Blood condition. What's it called? Fake. Itis. Fakitis?

Fakitis. My brother-in-law's fakitis. There you go. It causes him to stay up for long periods of time. It's reciprocal. All right. Great talk. I stay up for long periods of time. It's reciprocal. All right, great talk. I'll see you at the water cooler. Yeah, exactly.

No, I just, you know, I usually just tell them. But I actually know one. I do say that, like, I go out to bars. I think they just think I'm a drunk and not that I do comedy. Because I'm like, oh, I just went to a bar because most comedy shows I do are at bars. And it's not like I go to the bar to do comedy. I'm just like, oh, I just went to a bar. That's it. They just all think I have a drinking problem.

You think that that's preferable. They're going to sit you down and make you admit that you're a comedian. Brian, we need to talk. Shut the door behind you. Nope, I'm a drunk. I'm a drunk. Terrible.

Crippling alcohol problem. Gotta go. Terrible. Look, I stay up nights about it. No, this suitcase full of milk bones is not for hilarious prop comedy bits. Let me smell your flower. No, I don't want you to. Let me smell your flower.

I drink vodka out of this rubber chicken, you guys. Okay? You sons of bitches. Yeah, no. But, yeah, it just never comes up. Right. Yeah. That is weird. Because at work, I work with some older people.

And I'm releasing Mike Fonazzo's record, so I was selling some Better Robot shirts at work. I was like, hey, I got some shirts if you guys are interested. And I was telling them all about the label and the CD. And an older guy I work with, I think he's in his 60s, he's super nice, but he's like, oh, I'd love to hear it sometime. Is the CD blue?

Yeah, it's pretty blue. Like, I had to be honest with him. He's just like, oh, okay. But he was still really nice, but it is weird. Right, yeah. Because I'm used to, like, hanging out with you type, you guys, you types of fellas where you can just be blue all the time. You can be honest about your home improvements.

Yeah. Watching. Yeah, it happens all the time. Like, what was the first Heidi? Who was that? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm a drunk.

I hang out in bars. Pretty much, dude. Yeah, it's going to be my go-to. I'm a drunk. Yeah. I saw people out there. Usually the questions stop because no one really wants to get any farther into it right there's like yeah i'm a drudgery okay have fun with that but actually speaking to the uh blue thing what's kind of

funny is um my mom has never come to see me perform comedy and i remember this pretty much i think sums it all up is uh one time i put one of the videos on the youtubes and uh unfortunately you can't unfriend your mother on Facebook because that's a dick move. What about Twitter? Can you block on Twitter? I don't think she knows about it. She's in her mid to late 60s. I don't think they know about the Twitters. I regret that one of her friends told her about Facebook. Anyway,

unnecessarily elongated story shorter. Pretty much she clicks on one of the videos and she's like, well Brad, you know, I started watching one of your videos. Then I heard you say the SH word, so I figured you probably didn't want me watching it. I was like, SH word. Yeah, which is funny because she says fuck all the time. Why are you fucking saying the SH word all over the internet? It's like, yeah, you said the SH word.

I thought you'd be talking about touching no-nos with girlies. You know, swimsuit areas. I'm trying to look up people fucking and said I get this crap. Pretty much. I'm doing my internet search to make sure you're not gay and you're saying the SH word

all over the place. Pretty much. Yeah. Mike, your family has seen you perform, right right uh yeah i try to keep my mom away simply because i don't want her to have to sit through the other comedians not because they're bad comedians but just because i think they're too a lot of them are too much for her gets a little vulgar yeah yeah there's that brian preston saying the sh word sh word um jesus christ i mean just some of the things i've heard at open mics i'm like this right exactly you're just saying count

for five minutes exactly jokes right which is why all right i'm working on a new bit brian please don't make fun of me okay all right my mom's my mom's uh forced herself into a few shows, one of which went okay. Wait, forced her way? Well, kind of. I've kind of told her, you know, I don't really feel comfortable with you there. I'm sorry. Like, if I headline something, you can, like, come in a little late. That's all the time I have, guys.

Did you see me, Mom? See the way I said bye to everybody? And one time she came to a show that Tommy headlined. Oh, Tommy Zimbardo. He asked her table if anyone does anal. Charming. Which, you know, I probably should have warned. I'm sure he would have been fine with avoiding that had I said something.

Sure, yeah. So after the show, you're like, see, Mom? You see what you did? You didn't have to be here. That kind of was the effect, unfortunately. She's like, hell yeah, I do. That would have been much worse now that I think about it.

Good point. That's why it was bad. She does the thing where you go, meh. With her hand. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. All right, I don't want to think about that anymore. I think about your mother.

No one, no. I think about your mother, no one, no. No, this is a mom anal free zone, I think. Not this podcast. All right. I did not know this was that kind of podcast. That's almost what we named it. Oh, wow.

We thought MAF would be catchy. Yeah. Welcome to the math. To the math. This is the best podcast around. Oh, dude. Actually, no one do the math. That's a good catchphrase, though.

Do your students say that? Math? Yeah. Actually, my favorite. This is like the worst one I've heard one of them say is the student. And keep in mind, now he is a full-fledged college graduate but he used to come in and he'd be like and i don't do his whole because the problem is like this would be an accurate impression of this guy but like yeah as a black person when i say this out loud it sounds

to me like i'm doing a blackface voice right but right the dude actually he was always just like i need help with my ammopated big shmeography. And I'm just like, uh, you mean you're into bibliography? And he's like, yes, that's what I said. Ammoshinated big neography. I was like, Jesus Christ. But college graduate now, though. Jeez. Thanks to this guy.

We have no standards. Holy shit. I got grad students that can barely read coming in, man. What? And they're grad students? I mean, they graduated from there, and they went to the other grad school there, so yeah. Right. Holy shit.

Yeah, I went to a neighboring community college that I believe a lot of my fellow students graduated into your college from. And yeah, it was pretty amazing. What really got me was the number of kids that disappeared once the FAFSA check showed up. Yeah, that happens all the time. That was alarming. Like half the class would disappear when the check showed up.

Right, right. I remember that. Yeah, you get like, you know, $3,000 or something like that. That's what I would get. We get less usually, you know, PCCC. Yeah, right, right. We talk what I would get. We get less usually at PCCC. Yeah. Right. We talk about that

at conferences. We do. They just disappear after they get their checks. Oh yeah, it happens all the freaking time, yeah.

Right. I mean, you can't really go back on FAFSA after that, can you? Well, I mean, I don't really know. Or Pell Grant, I mean.

Let me think. Pell Grant, God, I'm trying to think. Pell Grant, you don't have to repay because I got one of those. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But you canants, I mean. Let me think. Pell Grants? God, I'm trying to think. Pell Grants you don't have to repay because I got one of those. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But you can't – I mean, that's kind of a one-time deal. Once you kind of walk out on your Pell Grant, you can't really –

Yeah, well, it depends. I mean, if you can apply for other things that you meet the criteria for. Maybe not a Pell Grant, but I'm sure you can also get another type of grant or something. Fill out the FAFSA again. But, yeah. But I will say, overall, I had pretty good experiences at that school. I met a lot of cool people. That's cool.

And, like, most of the teachers, you know, were cool once they saw you. Yeah. I had a good experience. I went to Chesapeake Community College for two years. And it was pretty good. I mean, some of the classes, more of the general class. What do you teach, Brian, if you don't mind saying? I learn the writing center.

I mean, I teach fundamentally English. Right. I mean, I have more so secondary instruction in a lab setting. And then I teach English 101 over the summer. Or I used to teach English 101 over the summer. But now they don't want to pay full-time employees to. Damn. Yeah.

So I'm just going's me hanging out all summer this year right well but i mean like the the more basic classes like english 101 you get the kids where it's like 13th grade basically like they just don't give a shit like no it's it's more so like well i guess in the seventh grade the level we're at we're at like seventh grade seventh grade with ashtrays yeah it actually yes it is like seventh grade with ashtrays man um actually at bc's at b triple c they have to do like their essays for 101 are like 500 words longer than the essays where we are and uh they're only 12 50 at b triple c so you know what i mean like yeah we are the basement man it's like if you

get your college slogan um it should be gosh darn it um it's like welcome to the fall semester we're the basement man yeah no actually we are the worst in america at um oh my god yeah we've like the worst graduation rate in america no way yes number one uh yeah wait kids would say anish miniated big geography? Amipated big geography. There is no... Graduate. That's not the low. No, the low is what happens is I think a lot of those kids that sign up for fast food,

I mean, those are all counted against us. Right. Okay, so everyone that disappears. Yeah, so everyone that disappears or, I don't know, I see a lot of kids that are pregnant, so they got to go do that, and then that takes them out for a while. And they got to come back. You know what I mean? I usually just tell myself that they're just getting fat.

But I know it's not the case. In one concentrated area. I'm like, God, I just hope you're getting fat. It's a baby, though. I hope I have a drinking problem and you're obese. Yeah, I'm just like, I'm a drunk. She's fat. That's pretty much how we do things.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. Damn. babies yeah i'm just like i'm a drunk she's fat that that's pretty much how to do things jesus christ yeah damn so it sounds like your job's kind of depressing uh it's a huge fucking bummer my man damn are there any kids that are like your ray of sunshine there has to be some oh yeah there are actually there are kids that like come in and i'm like i like you student because you do like college level work but like yeah i can't tell them to be like hey you know what you should do get your grades up and then get the fuck out of here i think i want to but like that's like ideally what we're not supposed to do but it would probably be better for some of my students if i was just like you get out of here now you transfer and you transfer right now and you look back and i'll turn you into a pillar of salt oh yeah right except they're all terribly homophobic there um oh that was another that

was like a major thing that i noticed too yeah oh yeah it was you know you think of like a college campus as like a super liberal you know like uh kind of environment i was like shocked by the levels of homophobia there again like most people seem we're cool you know like but whenever there was like a debate about gay marriage or something like that, it always got like to extremes that I just never thought. Like, yeah, I remember this girl like saying how she wishes it was like the old days when they could beat up gay people in the streets and like, and actually there was a really, it was in a class. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. It was insane. Also, probably the biggest experience of, like, racism that's ever been focused on me was there was a – we had a speaker from the last poets that the Seminole 60s beatnik black power group. Okay. He came and did, like, a speech for us, and, like, it was the most, like, racist, homophobic hate speech I've ever heard in my life. It was just insane. He was supposed to be a hippie from the 60s? Yeah, and he's doing characters of gay people. Oh, wow.

Saying how the Book of Revelations predicted gay people coming out of the closet. I was the only white person in the room. Oh wow, and you stay in the room though? Yeah, yeah. Had it been maybe a year. I paid for this and I'm not leaving. No, actually we had to go because of the class and I like chewed the fuck out of the teacher for forcing us to do

that. What'd they say? Well she was very like, you know, I was kind of like it was the first day of class and so I sent her an email and I was like, look, this is not cool, you know. We was kind of like it was the first day of class and so i sent her an email and i was like look this is not cool you know we're gonna go around the room and homophobic speakers will yeah and uh chapter five by wednesday and you know i told her exactly how i felt and i was like very upset and i was like but you know i can understand if this was like a mistake or whatever and she was like very apologetic and very much like you know i we had him here last year and he didn't say anything like that she's

like you're not a fag are you i apologize but it was withdrawals yeah usually we just go over the syllabus right yeah it's like yeah you know you white devils on the 12th like you got your first paper due you honky faggy sons of bitches. Never happened when I was in college. He went on and on about the white man's god complex. We created the gun. The white man? I do actually have to read a lot of papers that are

pretty much like that. It just gets kind of old and they have to embellish the devilry of the white man. I have nothing against the white man because me and my dad get along great. But he is the devil. Really more like a better educated Hank Hill, but yeah. Well, he loves propane, fire, hell.

No, computer science. It's like if Hank Hill had a doctorate in computer science. That's exactly what it sounds like. Yes. Computer and computer accessories. I never would have pictured your dad like that. Yeah. That actually almost sounded exactly like on the phone, though, which is the weirdest part.

Huh. Yeah. Hmm. Anyway. Remember those days of, like, mistaking someone on the phone? Yes. Absolutely. I do.

I do very specifically. What about this one? Can you hang up soon? I'm waiting for a call. Oh, God. Yeah. That was a shot. Oh, God. Yeah. That was a shot to the heart on that one. That and also, it's like, I'm trying to check something on America Online.

All right. I have to check my email on America Online and update my Blink-182 fan page on Angel Fire. I do miss that sound, though. Yeah. That was awesome. You know what I do, though? I was like, at one point, just go get that sound on recording and be That was awesome. You know what I do though is like at one point like just go get that sound

on like recording and be like, all right kids, do I hear this new dubstep I've been listening to? Just play that sound before that. Y'all heard that new Skrillex?

Yeah. I'm surprised it hasn't become like retro chic yet to, you know, like I'm surprised it isn't someone's ringtone or something. Yeah.

I wonder if it, yeah. Someone. I've never heard anybody with it. I think it's time for it. Honestly, you should get it. You should probably lock that down. That's not a bad idea. Yeah. Maybe. I've never heard anybody with it. I think it's time for it. Honestly, you should probably lock that down.

That's not a bad idea. Maybe I will. A lot of cell phones go off in your class? You know, yes. Yeah. To answer that question. What's the wackiest ringtone that you've heard? You know, it's usually like the ones that I always read.

It's just like the overproduced gospel stuff because we we got a lot of non-traditional students and whatnot um and then you just get some like you know just mid-rap lyrics or just like wildly the fucking inappropriate to be going off sure academic as your as your ringtone yeah i mean all calls yeah pretty much it's not like i'm gonna eat that pussy that's my mom yeah sorry what's up mom senator you. What's up, mom? Senator. You know, it's like Jesus Christ. Hey, grandma. Yeah, we're still on for cookies, girl. Real talk. Yeah, but it happens.

Right. It's a part of modern living, I guess. Sure. Have you ever really gotten into it with a student? I remember there being some pretty heated exchanges between teachers and students at my school. You know what? Actually, I do not. Actually, that's not true once I flipped off a student.

Really? But no one else saw me do it. She was just giving me the business or something. I was doing a tutorial in a class. I was like, hey, down here. And I was just like, hey, down here. I just flipped her off. But that was the kind of dynamic that the student i had um which is pretty much like her constantly uh bullying me

just in the classroom but like the thing was like they'll write these narrative essays you know about like you know what happened before they got to college and hers like at one point was like well things are going great in sixth grade then i stabbed somebody then a junior high and then like my junior high school i threw a trash can at a teacher's head so i was like look we're just gonna let this slide we're gonna be cool and actually by keeping it cool you know she apologized for your cuss me that cussed me out over getting a d on a paper you know so we did work things out like adults eventually but um yeah probably that's the word that yeah i flipped off a student once wow it was pretty fun we both thought it was

actually you know we both thought it was pretty funny, you know what? We both thought it was pretty funny. So you guys laugh about it now? We did. We did, actually. I was like, hey, right here. And then we both... She's like, what? I can't believe it. I'm like, yeah, that's right.

I did that shit. I'm on your level now. This is dangerous minds. I'm a human being. Yeah, that's about it, really. Honestly, finding a sense of reward and satisfaction. You're spending most of your... After you finish your novel, you should write a buddy film.

I know, right? With the air buddies. Oh, God. Snow buddies. Flipping the bird. Brian and that girl. Terrifying, terrifying girls, dude. What is the single worst thing

that's happened while you've been teaching? Every day when I get out of bed. Just kidding. Your bedroom is in the class your bed is in the classroom that's what i assumed in kindergarten teachers did yeah no actually that's pretty reasonable it's like what do you think they do in the cloakroom at night also who the fuck wears a cloak 2012 man gee whiz you're the man of the opera that would be pretty bad if your students were actually at that level where they thought that maybe you still sleep in there and they're really freaked out when they see the grocery store look Mr. Preston I know you don't get out much because you live here yeah right it's like obviously

what do you mean you have a family yeah no oh god it's always awkward when they ask you about just random questions actually you know what the worst situation nothing really like that horrific has happened since i've been there i could really like uh chalk up as the worst but something actually fun pretty funny it did happen to me today um and not like when comedians say this happened to me today but like not but four hours ago i was in the lab and a student comes up with a paper

and he's like hey i need some help like turning this um it's like six pages i gotta turn down to this like a three-page procom thing hands me the paper i was like look okay this is my handwriting and this is someone else's name on this paper so here you just you're gonna take this back you never came in here we didn't talk about this and you're gonna go and i thought it was pretty funny because i'm like really broad you know what i mean it's like i don't quite get it okay it's your handwriting oh no no it was like a student handed me the paper early a different student handed me the paper early i marked it up handed it back to this other student like at 10 o'clock this morning and then this different student came in with this other student's paper at like 3 30 and it was like i get some help turning this from like a

six page into a three page i was like i already read this paper that's my handwriting that is insane yeah they handed you a plagiarized paper that i had already marked and didn't even retype it they were just like there's like yeah kids like took this get some help get them like i already helped that student get out of here don't tell me your name because i don't have to drop a dime on you. Just get out. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. He was very polite about leaving. Did he admit or did he just kind of do a, okay. Honestly, he did not care in the least. He was like, okay, thanks, man. I'm out.

I was like, okay, buddy. And that was it. Yeah. Because, like, I don't know. I used to cheat on stuff in school, you know. Sure. It was a much smoother operation. We'll just say that much i mean like you'd make the effort you know make you make changes to something um you think he'd wait to go to another teacher or somebody else in the

writing lab i'm not the only person there right now so it's just me in there and he's probably what the kid said he's like what am i gonna do he's the only fucking guy i was like i gotta give him the same paper you could at least retype it, though. What am I going to do? Pretty much. Part of me was like, you know what? If you want to do this, here's what you do. It was like, I had to take it from this one.

I was like, here's what you do. You read this other student's paper yourself, and then you do it. Get out. Wow. Yeah. Bottom of the barrel, man. Wow. What is the ratio of good experiences in class to bad experiences?

We're going to talk about good to bad. Every year it gets a little worse. When I started out, I was sort of excited about it. We're going to say like 70-30 because I get to leave early on Fridays. That's good. So that's good. Do you have a good time in class, though? You know, I felt like.

Some of the time. Some of the time I do. It's just like this time of year, I'm just usually in a pretty shitty mood. Right. Because I'm like the only person there and they never stop coming. It's like if you talk to me any other week out of the, well, actually any other week or the finals in the fall semester, I'd be in a better mood. Just like this week is literally the worst

week of my year of the two. Why is that? Just because all the tutors are gone. I'm the only person in there, but students still have to hand stuff in for finals, so they never stop coming to me all day. I was there late on Monday. I have to kick them out so I can go

home at five. What's the most ridiculous question a student has ever asked you as far as, like, grammar? Top ten, if you could. Oh, God. I'm trying to think. Just the most ridiculous. God, this is going to take me a second. Oh, no.

Just because I hear a lot of ridiculous things. Oh, actually, you know what? Probably the craziest one I heard was earlier this week I had an older student, and I was working on a paper. And she was like, you know, we all have computers in the labs because it's 2012, right? And she's like, why does typewriter don't do capital letters? She said that? Yes, aloud to another person.

That's probably the most ridiculous question I've ever heard. Jesus Christ. Yeah, you see what I, bottom of the barrel the barrel my man you've fallen through the barrel the barrel has rotted and they've pretty much false bottom barrel yeah no why his name of my bluegrass why do typewriter not right oh why this typewriter not have capital letters yes there's so many things to talk about that sentence so first of all typewriter not have capital letters? Yes. There's so many things on tap about that sentence. So first of all, typewriter. Everybody says computer. It's not like typewriter is common lingo among the masses.

No. Get on the typewriter and update your Facebook. Was this an older student? You know, she wasn't that old. I mean, it's not like she was like Mark Twain or anything. It was like a 50-something-year-old woman. It's not like she was like. Okay, well well that makes a little bit more sense but it actually even makes it kind of dumber yeah yeah absolutely really thought she was on some kind of typewriter you know i don't know

i covered typewriter and white out teacher me do what now it's pretty much like fire bad and i'm like yes fire bad so you're learning you're learning and then she pulled a lever and blew up the entire college yeah right oh man but um yeah that's pretty much uh what i do most of the time but usually it's not bad because like i got tutors in there so i just like uh just screw around all day like i do a lot of writing in there um i hang out i do help students i'd like have to edit campus documents for your faculty and what have you stuff like that yeah but um yeah any other week of the year you talk to me i'm usually in better spirits about it sure do you uh do you do a lot of material about teaching

i do some i do have a couple minutes um and so actually led me to integrate some older bits in you know what i mean because like back when i just had other jobs i mean like i i have an undergraduate degree in creative writing so it's like pretty much i was like working in retail and then nepotism got me this job so like i used to have bits about like you know like a degree in english all i can do is like you know work in retail something something something and then i can use that back oh i teach but you know what i mean sure it's like my old jobs are like working at best buy and selling weed so you know what i mean i think you could marry one of your old jobs with your current job Yeah, no, I don't, no

No, I don't want one of those Best Buy sell typewriters You know what, you probably Why Best Buy no has typewriter Yeah, pretty much, dude, pretty much It'd be like, because it's 2012 Oh, me be coma since 1986 That actually explains a lot, man

The typewriter really did disappear overnight yeah i've never seen a lot of them around as a child yeah it's been shitty to be a typewriter salesman in the 80s yeah right jesus christ yeah i remember i don't know if you did it on stage i think you did but you were telling me about it when some kid asked for a dictionary and it was an unabridged dictionary oh yeah what did he call it oh god he was like i need a unabridged dictionary i was like unabridged i'm like i'm like look we got like the oed we got like the norm i've never heard of like the webster and he's like like oh you mean unabridged dictionary after a it's like oh that is hilarious and depressing all at once take this dictionary and look up

how to pronounce on a bridge yeah Yeah, pretty. Oh, God. Yeah, the pronunciation gets to be pretty crazy after a while. Holy shit. Yeah. You ever think about transferring to another college? I guess it's pretty tough to get into a college these days. I don't know if you guys know this, but we are in a bit of a recession right now. And a lot of us stare.

I know. I'm sorry. I was just eating diamonds. What did you say? Yes. I know. Look, put your monocle back on. But I know it just popped off of your face.

Why are monocles a sign of wealth? There's no monocle is super expensive. I guess. A single glass lens. Mike, I can't think about that. My cummerbund has just come undone. Well, the thing is, you have the monocle, right? Then you just have a poor person tell you what you're supposed to be seeing in your other eye, I think is the way.

Absolutely. Excuse me, poor man. Tell me what is happening over there. On the left side of the room. I can only be bothered with the right side of the street. Who's winning that game of kick the can? A hoop and a stick, but yeah. Which wheel is the big one on this bicycle?

Oh, God. Anyway, I was at the Triangular Weight Store the other day, see, like, a 1920s drum. Anyway, I have actually thought about just trying to, like, go to an institution, you know, like, a different institution locally or just, like, go somewhere that's a better market for comedy. And go teach English there because then I like wouldn't you know i could be making about close the same money i'm making now and you know doing comedy not at bars all the time um sure you know but uh yeah the recession is a real mfr with that so uh i'm just staying you know building the resume yeah you'll get there eventually you're fairly new in the game of you're young yeah i'm younger looking than I am. That's good.

You know how to use a typewriter? I do. You're moving on up. Just like in Resident Evil. You've got Best Buy on your resume? I do, and Mattress Warehouse. Actually, right before I was teaching English, I was selling mattresses. Wouldn't recommend it.

At all, really. It's like the lowest, most wretched form of human existence is selling mattresses. It's your college of sales. Yeah, it's honestly because thing is uh bachelor salesman actually looked down upon more than a car salesman which i did not know because why what does it take to sell them what do i need to do to get you in this this uh sealy post-opedic all right first i'll fix your spine right up i swear yeah no actually you know what it is stuff like those are speed holes well the thing is it's like okay it's like when you sell mattresses, you do the same shady crap. Look, I'll take your old mattress.

You can have this one for $4,000. Trade it in. Yeah. My boss is going to kill me for this. No, we actually, you know, we do do crap like that also because it's a lot of like old men working. I mean, like I used to work with like a lot of like octogenarians and what have you. It was like, you know, you get the mattress name, game, you live in it, you die in it. It's pretty much like both of mattress salesmen.

I'm now picturing the Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross of mattress salesmen. It's kind of like that, except like... Coffee's for clothes is only, Brian. It's like that, except like three-fourths of the people are Jack Lemmon. And then our boss is like... Our boss is an Alec Baldwin type, but really there's a lot more Jack Lemons. Like, the leads are garbage.

The leads are good. Oh God, I'm not getting the reference. You've never seen Glen Ross? We should have a little song for not getting the reference. There it is. You should be able to press a button to indicate that.

All right. What are we talking about? Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. It's a David Mamet movie. Never even heard of it. Al Pacino. Doesn't even sound familiar. It's born of Alec Baldwin.

Did he win an Academy Award for that? For supporting. I mean, he may have for supporting. He was only in the movie for like eight minutes. Yeah. I've never heard of this movie. But it's fucking great. It's in reference and everything.

Like The Simpsons is referenced a bunch of times. Yeah. He's talking about his watch. He's like, you see this watch? It cost me $50,000 or something. When they did it on The Simpsons, he's like, you see this watch? It doesn't tell time properly because there's too many diamonds and it can't tick. Yeah.

So yeah, they referenced it. Actually, the old salesman on The Simpsons, Gil or whatever, he based on the jet he is the jack levin character oh yeah he looks just like no he's actually played for edson he is yeah he's supposed to be jack levin from glengarry glen ross right okay yeah i never thought about that yeah no it's exactly you know but um it's kind of like car salesman except like um when you're selling mattresses to people, half the time you know that you are selling someone ages to a piece of shit. Whenever I put this, the morbidly obese come in and they're like, this mattress will be great. It'll last you 10 years. You're like, that fat fuck is going to destroy this in six months.

And you know that, but you can't tell them that. Yeah, exactly. And so stuff like that. There's a lot of shady stuff going on there's a lot of viciousness between like uh retailers really we have like a book full of like news articles because they just work mattress warehouse their name i can't say we just have like a book at the front of the store about like mattress discounters and like sleep you just have like news articles and like internet reports you had like a notebook and the book like a burn book

they called it that in the front of every store like they have in movies about high school it is exactly like that they're like look alright if you can't close a sale you show them this at the end yes yes wow you're mud slinging yes it's cutthroat dude

mattress sales are cutthroat bro I never would have thought it is cutthroat my man I i'd like i'd like supervisors call me up be like what you didn't sell that guy a 200 futon mattress what is wrong with you you gotta close this preston y'all all right no what you do you tell them there's a color swatch because pretty much what you do actually someone tries to sell you a mattress um they're gonna come up to you they're gonna be like hey do you care about the color of this mattress right that's a lie they're always the same color they're gonna put a piece of fabric on the mattress but well you know what um if you don't care about the color of this mattress right that's a lie they're always the same color they're gonna put a piece of fabric on the mattress but well you know what um if you don't care about the color of the mattress

i'll get to you for 400 less that's the first drop i actually teach you how to buy a mattress real quick um okay so what you want to do go in try out the mattress find a mattress you like right i'm gonna try and uh first thing they're gonna try and do when you bulk up the price i'm gonna try and sell you on a cheaper version of the same mattress then they're gonna ask if you care about the color of the mattress why do they want to sell you a cheaper version? Oh, well, just if you don't, if you bought, if you're not like, all right, they're like, this mattress is $2,000. And you're like, uh, I don't want to pay that.

Instead of them dropping the price on the mattress, they're going to sell you a crappier mattress that feels about the same for full price. So they get a bigger commission. You know what I mean? Because like when they drop the price, it takes a percentage out of their commission on the mattresses they sell. Right. So then what they're going to do is they're asking to ask if you care about the color of the mattress, right?

And that's pretty much so they can drop the price on the mattress. And is it universally no? Is the response by people always no? You're just going to be like, I don't care about the color. It's going to be the color in the store. Who the fuck ever cares? You put sheets on them. All right.

Pretty much long and short of business, right? You can browbeat any mattress salesman down to about half price on any mattress you get just about any day of the year. They're going to try and play it out on you like a game. You'll be like, yeah, look, I want to pay this. I buy it for like half of that, and usually they will just do it. Right. And yeah, that's about it really.

Oh, except on like a Tempur-Pedic that is price controlled like Apple. Ah. Yeah. So there you go. That makes sense. You'll learnic that is price controlled like Apple. Ah. Yeah. So there you go. That makes sense. Yeah, learn something today. I can see that. Wow.

Yeah. Also, people don't care about their kids' beds at all. Because I've been like, you know what? Why don't you just go buy a dog bed at PetSmart? They're like, thank you for that suggestion. And then they'll leave. You smart son of a bitch. Pretty much.

What are you doing working on this mattress? Wow. Waiting out the recession. The dark seedy side of the mattress industry. Oh, yeah. It's horrible, dude. It's horrible. You're like the guy who wrote the Fast Food Nation book.

Yeah. You flip that mattress, what do you find? A dirty underbelly. Oh, and also bed bugs. Is you just going to leave it there? Just bed bugs? Well, no. I mean, what we used to do is be like, look, sleepers are taking

refurbished mattresses. They're full of bed bugs. We would say crap like that all the time, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. No, it's cutthroat, bro. It is cutthroat. Also, if you buy a mattress with a yellow tag, that means someone used to own it and it's refurbished. Ooh. Yeah. Bedding Barn says that they

sell quality mattresses. Pretty much, dude. Pretty much. But how can they when your CEO is spending thousands of dollars on hookers? Yeah. Oh, my God. I thought I was buying a new mattress. It's just a bunch of body parts in a bag. But what kind of store is this Bedding Barn? Oh, and also if they ever tell you that someone ever tells you that the mattresses don't flip anymore so you get more support on the other side, that's a lie.

They just do that to cut costs. Man, we're doing all the secrets here. I wish we had more time, Brian. I know. Hey, so do I. Can you come back and reveal more secrets? You know, that's actually about it about mattresses. They're not that.

I mean, they're like literally 10 minutes worth of interest. They're like 10 minutes of interest, then we're done. That's about it. Urine stains, go. Okay, urine stains. Anything bigger than a quarter is going to void the warranty on your mattress. Blood stains. Same thing.

Any stain bigger than a quarter on a mattress is going to void your warranty. They don't tell you that when you leave with the mattress. What if I have all three and it's the size of a sack of juwia? Blood, urine. What if five nickel-sized stains? No, one quarter. It's one quarter because it's like a biohazard thing. Okay.

Yeah. So you can spread them out. Well, I mean, no one's actually going to add them up. What if I come, put it in a syringe and then just drop it? What if I come, suck it up with a syringe and then polka dot it?

That's a lot of effort. The entire thing. But the culmination of the polka dots is one quarter. That's actually a good question. I defy you to do that. All right. Well, let's end this podcast. We've got a project.

I'll be busy tonight. There you go. Whoever loses the next bet has to sleep on it. Last time was Human Centipede. Yeah. Oh, God. This one has to sleep on it. You know, you've never watched Human Centipede 1, Josh.

I'm getting to it, Michael. Listeners, we got some urging to do. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Spoiler alert. They don't enjoy being a human centipede. Thanks, Brian. Now I don't have to see it.

I'm so glad you came over. I was like, they're really going to love being a centipede. Someone might. The terror. They're not happy about this. No, they really aren't. All right. Well, yeah, we do have to get out of here because you have to get to improv rehearsal.

That's true. All right. And, Brian, you're doing a show at the Red House Tavern. I am. Unfortunately, this will come out after that show. Yeah, no, time travelers, though. Time travelers, right? Yeah, lots of time travelers.

If neutrinos can do it. Yeah. If there's lots of guys in trench coats. And you can make it a Brian Preston show. Indeed. Are we talking about the Subtime Particle or the characters on Ninja Turtles? There's Neutrinos on the Ninja Turtles? Yes, actually they had a flying...

I am shell-shocked by this conversation. It's a callback, bro. Did the toy box just have nothing in it? Like what? They're the size of Subatomic Particles. No, they didn't really address the actual Subtonic Particle thing. They just took the name.

I think it was a bunch of space greasers slash hipsters You know, no, they didn't really address the actual subsonic particle thing. They were just called neutrinos. They just took the name. Yeah, they took the name. I think it was a bunch of space greasers slash hipsters from some alternate dimension. Space greaser hipsters. Yeah, space greaser hipsters. Ruined in this galaxy. With funky colored hair. They were on the cartoon show, though. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Well, yeah. Well, Brian, good luck tonight. Thank you. Break legs. Thanks so much. Thank you for stopping by, Brian.

Come back any time. Come by another time. Oh, dude. Honestly, come back any time Thank you. Break legs. Thanks so much for stopping by, Brian. Come by another time. Oh, dude. Honestly, come back anytime. All right, cool. Let me know when you have a gap in your programming. Okay. All right.

Okay. That was very cordial. Sorry about that. I made it weird, but thank you for having me. Hey, this isn't Pete Holmes' podcast. You don't have to make it weird. Okay. I made it weird because apparently you two don't listen to that podcast.

Another reference over my head. Yeah, no, I think I know what you're talking about. Pete Holm just has a podcast called You Made It Weird. The Porn Star? No. That's John Holm's name. Yes. All right.

As always, let's end it on an awkward note. Thanks for listening, big heads. Yeah, we'll see you next week. We will. Oh, yeah, visit digressionsessions we will oh yeah visit digression sessions.com get your ass over there we've got t-shirts hook up the forum yeah cool do you want a t-shirt uh sure i'll give you one but you have to wear it um that's fine are you gonna wear it uh yeah i'll wear it later the t-shirt i have sweat through the shirt i'm wearing right now so yeah no i don't

want you just to wear a shirt that you're just gonna sweat well i've already swept you through this shirt i need a clean shirt will you wear it tonight on stage yeah sure why not really yeah we would appreciate that yeah all right time travelers tell me if brian wore this shirt brian preston is the nascar of comedy now that's right we've got the prize is sponsored baby all right well uh enjoy your taco everybody thank you brian thank you so much brian Ryan, thanks for having me. it's it's it's it's all good