The Digression Sessions - Ep. 38 Dan Lisle & Megan Wills!

Episode Date: June 2, 2012

A Career in Grammar Enforcement Hola Digheads! Sorry for the delay! On this week’s show comedian and improviser Dan Lisle returns to the shores of the Dig Sesh and he brought along improviser Megan Wills with him for a nice chat. Mike and Megan will be performing with the rest of Population 6 at the Hudson Guild Theatre at 6 pm June 30, 2012 as a part of the Del Close Marathon! Dan will be performing as a regular The Underground Lounge in NYC. Go check him out if you’re in the NYC area! We also discuss a number of topics for this episode including, but not limited to: Fat Burger, grammar enforcement, raper vs. rapist, video games before you could save your progress, Expert of Nothing, Business Connects, Magnet Improv? How the fuck does that work?, pope selection, Josh’s story about the time he thought he had HIV Cancer Herpes, and much more! AND….it’s official Mike Finazzo’s album “Stupid Genius” is available via Josh’s record label Better Robot Records on iTunes, Amazon, and Spotify!? Only $3.99 on iTunes! (BetterRobotRecords.com) Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should Mike Moran cut his hair?!?! Say it on our forum!! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @JKuderna @MichaelMoran10 @DanLisle @MeganWills

Oh, this is just for you guys. What I want to say. Say it. No, because I have a feeling you hit a button. What? You're not talking into the microphone anyway, so they can't hear you. You come into Josh's house and accuse him. You think I'd record you by nefarious means?

Now say what you were saying about a final solution, I think it was, if you were calling it. Is that the final solution? All right, let's start the show. Can we start the show? Let's start the show. Let's do it. Yeah. That is a hot beat, Josh.

Oh, thanks. That's all I'm doing all day, just beating it. Yeah? A real beatnik over there, you might say. Oh! All right, welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Welcome, everybody. Yeah? A real beatnik over there, you might say. Oh! Oh, yeah! All right, welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Welcome, everybody. I'm one half of your favorite pair of earbuds.

Josh Kudurna. Mike, you always ruin my dramatic pause. Well, Mike, I... What? The Aaron Brockovich of Remington, Moran. Anything else you'd like to call me? No, that's it. Well, I'm the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds. Mike?

You always ruin my dramatic pause. Oh, boy. Go ahead. Moran. Moran. And is there anything else you'd like to add? The solipsist with a slipped disc. I'm pretty sure that's catching on pretty heavily.

Besides people that are named Mike Moran? Is it catching on? Well, I didn't... Let's move on, can we? Okay, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. How are you, Mike?

I am well. I can't complain. Good. Feeling a little fat. PHAT, you look good, dog. Yeah. So do you. You look fat as hell.

Thank you. PHAT. How are you doing, Josh? I'm doing good. Took a little trip to the dog park today. Oh, yeah? And my dog was not getting along with other people's dogs. It was embarrassing.

Really? Yeah. She was just really pissed off. Like, a dog would come up to Sniffer and she'd be like, hey, hey, what are you doing? It's like, oh, we brought the troublemaker. Is your dog at all familiar with the concept of hypocrisy? Because I'll tell you what, every time that I go near that dog, she is on me like a dog on Mike Moran. I know.

She's normally the instigator. It was odd like a dog on Mike Moran. I know. She's normally the instigator. It was odd. The dog on Mike Moran. Another nickname you got. Dog on Mike Moran. I think she's just annoyed. It's really hot. She has a lot of fur. The heat is making me feel a little bit insane. What about you? Yeah. A little

insane in the membrane. Right. I'm alright. We are currently podcasting in an air conditioning free zone. So it feels good. Feels really, really good. Hopefully we can get through this without punching each other. Yep. Or our guests. Right. Let's welcome back to the podcast. Currently he has his eyeball on the microphone. Mr. Dan Lyle. Hi fellas. It's good to be here. here oh my god he's speaking from his eyeball New York has changed you. My name is Solopsist. No it's Solipsist. No it's not Solopsist.

Wow you can't even pronounce it right. First of all that's how it's pronounced it's a way less cool. All right and let's invite our other guests. Welcome to the podcast, that is. Megan Willis. The solopsist of Pop 6. Did you really just get my name wrong? Yes. Megan Wills. Wills.

Megan Wills. This has started off so badly. Megan Wills-y. I'm sorry. Is it Megan Wills? Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't do that on purpose. I'm going to Is it? Is it Megan Wills? Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't do that on purpose. Dan.

I'm going to fire our researcher. Dan hopes Megan Wills. That's how it goes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's how you remember it. I'm sorry, Megan. I wish I got my will.

Will? I wish you got your will. I got my will in my back pocket, just in case. All right. Mike, I owe you an apology. Why? Megan, I owe you an apology apology did you just look up the pronunciation i did and you're telling me you know how to read those those little uh lines and squigglies that that come with the the word pronunciations oh yeah i'm totally a grammar cop certified and everything really wow which is why i thought i was busting

you and i apologize show me some on behalf of the city of Baltimore, I apologize for correcting you when you did not need correcting. If it was solopsist, then nobody would call themselves that. Because that sounds like just a guy who eats too much. People eat at Fatburger. Right, exactly. How can you go to a place called Fatburger? What are your gluten-free options how can you it's you have to feel really good about yourself you don't have diet coke

i can't say fat burger without feeling bad about myself let alone walk into one and be like i'll have the double chubble wobble i imagine that's what they call their burgers. The tub thumper. The chubba womble. Now, that one comes in a rowboat, right? I just get the salads. From Fatburger.

The fat salads. The fat salad. Instead of lettuce, it's beef. Sharks of beef. Has anyone here ever actually been to a Fatburger? No. They don't really exist on the East Coast, do they? Yeah, there's one in Columbia.

Oh, really? Have you been there? I have. What's it like? You got the salad, right? A lot of fat people. No, no. A chicken salad.

There's a lot of places to eat there, so it's kind of mostly empty. Uh-huh. Yeah. to eat there, so it's kind of mostly empty. Columbia's just like lined with quick casual restaurants. I feel like we're entering NPR mode. It's just lined with quick cash restaurants.

Anthony Bourdain went to the Fatburger. The Olive Garden. He's a good guess, isn't he? Yeah, that's not much more. Good guess. Anthony Bourdain in the membrane. What did he do at the Olive Garden? Unlimited breadsticks.

Pasta bowl. He invited his family. They had a great time. Yeah. Well, welcome back to the podcast, Dan. Thanks. Megan, thanks for coming over. Welcome back for the first time.

For the first time. I'll keep coming back. If it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, if we can get your name right, you can come back. That's the deal. No, I guess I'm not coming back. Hey, I don't make the rules, Megan. I don't make the rules. I listened to this podcast, and the last time you weren't on it, I thought to myself, she gonna top that and here you are today boom topping it yeah top in the top power top top in the top

well both you guys are improvisers dan you do the stand-ups the yeah the stand-ups comedies the stand-up and megan is also a podcaster also a podcaster. Also a podcaster. Yeah, podcast the improv-a-tour. Sorry. I didn't mean to completely cut off Dan there. We were doing both the introductions. Yeah. We were doing a little crisscross there. Let's talk about Dan. What's up, Dan?

How's New York treating you? New York is nice. Everybody is so nice. Are you saying that because New York has a gun to your head right now? No, New York doesn't have a gun. New York is great if you don't need to make eye contact with people on a day-to-day basis. You feel like you're part of a community. Oh, my God.

This is perfect for me. It is perfect for you. How are the chiropractors up there? Oh, he's shaking his head no. Not good. Not good. It's like it's chiropractor. What's going on?

I'm pretty sure. Grammar cop. What is it when they have the upside down letters? Show us your badge. With the pronunciations of the words when the letters are upside down. What does that mean? Like the schwa. I guess.

Megan, yeah, why don't you take this one? An upside down E is a schwa. That's all I know. A schwa? It makes a different kind of noise. It's Jewish. It makes a... It's a different kind of noise.

Schwa. The other E. No, but you know when they have the pronunciations of the words and it'll have a letter upside down that's not an E? What does that mean? It just means it's pronounced differently. Does it make like the A sound kind of? It's like the upside down question mark.

It means that when they were putting it onto dictionary.com, they were playing Tetris. Had to make it fit. Had to make it fit. Okay. It just changes, like an accent, changes the sound of the vowel. Vowels are so versatile. I know, they really are.

Sarah Vowel from NPR. Very versatile one. Very versatile. Irreversible. Irreversible. So Dan, are you doing stand-up in New York? I am doing stand-up in New York. How's it going?

It's going painfully. Yeah? Which is pretty good. What are you talking about? You got that gig at The Place. Yeah, I got a gig at The Place. It's kind of a gig at a place. The Place in New York?

It's definitely a place. The Place. The famous place. That a lot of people have gotten. Where the comedian started his? The Place. Oh, you mean New York? Yeah.

Yes, yes. I do stand-up in New York. Yes, you mean New York? Yes. I do stand up in New York. Sometimes I do two minutes. Sometimes I do seven minutes. Is that the standard? Either two or seven? There's nothing in between? It seems to be two or three. Wow. That seems really hard. Luckily,

I have the ability to really endear an audience to me right away. Yeah, I think the crowd, when they heard you say that, they couldn't help but feel endeared toward you. He just comes right out with the rape joke first. Whoa. That's his closer, Megan.

Jesus Christ. Wow. I, no. That's a yes. There's been an incorrect. I do not make a joke about rape. I do say that I think raper would be a scarier word than rapist.

Rapist sounds like something an artist would do, something you're proud of. I'm a rapist. Like when you're done, you should be like, ta-da! Raper, murderer, killer. Rapist! Pianist. Pianist. Flutist.

Cellist. I believe it's floutist. It is floutist. You are correct. Have you ever considered a career in grammar enforcement? I have not, but I'd like to see your newsletter and your pamphlet. I guess I'll have to cancel my other nickname the uh buddhist flutist megan how are you awesome oh are you mad that i pronounced your name wrong no you're awesome oh tell us about your podcast uh right now my podcast is pretty much over, unfortunately.

You hosted it with Keith, your ex-boyfriend. I was thinking about that. Are you looking to restart it? Dan, do not touch the mixing board. Nor the mixing bowl. You can have oatmeal cookies when they're finished. Nor Mr. Mix-O-Plick.

Nor Sir Mix-A-Lot. Do not touch him either. Nor Mix-Master Mike. I'm sorry, but yeah, the podcast, are you going to get it going by yourself? Get another host? Make another podcast? Yeah, the third thing. The third thing. Probably.

A new incarnation. It'll be like Megan and Kelly. Or Megan and Kathy Lee. Live. I could do one with Kathy Carson and Kelly or Megan and Kathy Lee live. I could do one with Kathy Carson. Megan and Kathy. That would be fun. Would it be improv based? It could be.

It could be. I think it would definitely be a lot more out there. Might do some characters and things like that. Yeah, cool. Did you attempt to do any actual improv games on the Improvocator? Improvocator? Megan Willis, answer the question.

How did the Improvers podcast go when you hosted it? Megan Willis, go. Go. Megan Willis, I'm sorry. What you talking about, Megan Willis?is yeah that should be the name of your podcast that's precisely it that's precisely it that's what i've decided to do maybe you'll get adopted by a rich white family who knows that would that's the dream i'm sorry to butt in but right yeah right that's totally the dream oh absolutely that's why i moved to new york

because there's more rich white families who are looking to adopt 40-year-old comedians than in Baltimore. Aren't you 41 now? No. Do you think I just have

a birthday all the time? Damn, Dan, you're getting old quick. I'm 79 years old. Next week, come to my 84th birthday party. That's how I'm going to say when I'm old. I can't wait.

Doing bits about applesauce and losing your teeth and your mind. But mumbling it at the dinner table. Not like 40 minutes later. You know. What's up with applesauce? They got chunky cinnamon. Someone does have a birthday coming up, though. Who?

Me. Oh. Sounds naughty. Birthdays. Yeah, when's your birthday? On Wednesday. Oh, yeah? Oh, nice.

What are you doing for your birthday? I'm probably going to just hang out, do some things. I got improv practice on Wednesday, so. Oh, yeah. Yeah, maybe I'll go and party down since they're like my best buds anyway. Oh, my God. Now that Kathy Carson is our director, it's just sort of. And you'll probably bring your best buds with you.

I will. We should say, yeah, that Mike and Megan are in the group Population 6. Population 6. 6, yep. That's what I said. The first five populations just didn't make the cut. Uh-huh. But you don't have to see the first five populations to understand Population 6.

No. Unlike Leonard Part 6, in which if you didn't see the first five Leonards, you were totally lost. Yeah, yeah. You know, I didn't see the first 12 apollos but i got apollo 13 just fine they made it work no how about this heat huh this isn't that bad what is it like in the 80s no it's in the 90s actually is it really yeah we should go swimming it's in the low 90s yeah the pool's just opened up i'm telling you wow is it gonna be open all week or just on weekends uh i think all week initially cool the uh the pool of druids stays open all summer at least it did last summer

because i think a private donor paid to keep it all right right which is pretty fucking great yeah what else is great is that pop six got accepted into the del close marathon that's right you know yeah for that one thank you you. New York City! It's going to be hot in New York City on June 30th. Oh, that's what it is? Yeah. When do you guys go up? We actually got a 6 o'clock PM on Saturday night.

Wow, that's awesome. I mean, right? Our first time in. That's great. It could have been 3.15 in the morning on Sunday. And a lot of people I know did get that kind of slot. That's great. Because it could have been 3.15 in the morning. And a lot of people I know did get that kind of slot. But it's at the Hudson Guild Theater.

Oh, cool. Cool. How did we land that? In the heart of that. Someone sucked someone's dick. Right. Well, it wasn't me. Don't point at Dan when you say that.

That is very rude. I had nothing to do with the blowing or selecting. I was purposely averting my eyes. So you were the one who was blown yeah oh yeah well that was really good it sounded it sounded just like the real fake thing the digression sessions dancers she's got a deep voice she makes it work for her though. This is Baltimore. What about improv, Dan? My level two class is going to start next week. You taking UCB's classes?

Magnets classes. That's what I think of when I think level two. What about level one? Wait, no, that's not. That's the... Super Mario. That's the song I heard. You mix it, yeah.

I thought it was When You Die. Your Mario mix a lot. Song just reminds me of Wasted Childhood. But it's so happy. Yeah, I know, but I spent way too many hours

in front of that game. Did you beat it? Eventually, yes. Yeah? Yeah., but I spent way too many hours in front of that game. Did you beat it? Eventually, yes. Yeah? Yeah. With the warp levels and whatnot. Wow. Yeah.

What about you? No, I don't think I ever beat it. I beat one and I beat three. And I think I beat Mario World as well. Hmm. I remember almost beating it, but then dying. And this was before you could save your game, you know? Right.

So you did have to dedicate a lot of fucking time. That was the worst. When you dedicated hours upon hours and then you lose and throw a temper tantrum. To start again. Never beat part two, though. What? Never beat part two, though. No?

Nor did I see anyone else beat it. That's because once part three came out, nobody went back to Part 2. Right. Everybody stayed with Part 3 for a long time. Part 3 is rad. You can fly. And then the fourth one is a new console, so people still played Part 3 longer than Part 2.

Freakonomic Nintendo style over here. Breaking it down. You know, Part 2 was actually another game, and they just pasted the Mario characters on. What? Yeah, it was another game that existed in the game, and they just pasted the Mario characters on. What? Yeah, it was another game that existed in another country. So they just rushed it out. Did you know Mario was originally part of Donkey Kong or vice versa? Yeah.

No, yeah, the Mario character originated in Donkey Kong. Yeah, because he would throw the... Right. Yeah. And then they had... No, you played as Mario in Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong was the enemy. He threw the barrels at you.

Yes. That's what it was, yeah. And then there was Mario Brothers. Right. Which was like Mario's version of Donkey Kong was the enemy. He threw the barrels at you. That's what it was. And then there was Mario Brothers, which was like Mario's version of Donkey Kong. I don't know. Mario Brothers was Mario and Luigi as plumbers, and they were being invaded by bugs. Plumber. Plumber is how it's pronounced, actually. I can't let that stand.

Plumber? One more time, and I'm going to have to pull out the cuffs. Really? Really. I'm sorry. Look, there's no off-duty in right and wrong. Well, I guess we're going to have to flush this podcast down the toilet. I'm a fucking hero, Josh.

Plumber. Plumber, plumber, plumber. This house is made out of plumber. Mahogany plumber. This house is made out of plumber. Mahogany plumber. So the Mario plot, the first Mario Brothers plot was fighting bugs. Yeah, in a sewer.

So it was like Starship Troopers. Exactly. It was based on a conglomeration of Starship Troopers and Alien, actually. Ridley Scott. Get the fuck out of here. Seriously, Ridley Scott got together with Robert Heinlein.

Get the fuck out of here right now. You're the one who said plumber, although it is your house. Yeah. There's that. I will not leave your house. How did I get here? Anyway, I'm sorry. It was an alien mashup with Starship Troopers.

And romancing the stone. Which is why the princess looks like Kathleen Turner in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Except shorter. Did they ever discover who actually did frame Roger Rabbit? They did. Whom? It was this guy Jed who used to deliver milk to their house, but had lost his job because milk now comes in paper cart.

You get it. Who delivers milk, right? Right? The whole industry. I deliver milk. I'm just kidding. I don't really deliver milk. Speaking of complete bullshitting, both Dan and I are going to be on the Expert in Nothing.

Oh, yeah. Nice segue. Are you excited? Yeah. I'm scared. I'm honestly scared. Why? Because of this kind of competition. Yeah, I mean, look at this guy. Who else is on the panel this week? It's a fun show. I don't actually know.

I could probably find out. Josh has been on it before. Thomas Dottstree will be on it. Is he doing the show? I believe I saw his name on it Josh has been on it before. Thomas Dottstree. Is he doing the show? I believe I saw his name on it. He will do really well. I saw a couple other names of people that I would recognize if I went to their Facebook page

and saw what they looked like. I'll look it up now. How does The Expert of Nothing work? It's hosted by John Bennett and Pat Stork. Go ahead, Dan. How does The Expert of Nothing work? It's hosted by John Bennett and Pat Stork, right? Right. Yeah. Go ahead, Dan.

Well, how's it work? Gets up early in the morning. Has some coffee to get it going. See, as I understand it, having only listened to it and not yet participated, it is a contest between eight people. You are allowed to select a topic and then you compare or contrast it with a um another with a topic that they give you yeah and that's a surprise topic you don't know you've been on it yeah so why am i just why am i explaining it having never

been you started it so i was gonna let you roll i read the website expert expertofnothing.com. You're welcome, John Bennett. Hey! No, yeah, it's really fun. So you just make up any, you compare, contrast, find any connection between two random things. Somebody had Mitt Romney in Wonder Woman. I had, what did I have? I had Factory Farming in chess. And, yeah, you just compare the two in any which way and then from there the pat and john decide who moves on to the next round and then if you get

kicked out of the first round you can go up the second round and try to mess people up and ask them questions because that's a part of it too is that the crowd gets to ask questions about what you just ranted about and yeah it's a fun show luckily I know everything do you get to phone a friend at all that I'm not interested then well actually I believe that

both Pat and John are standing to the sides of you so if you feel like you get out of like your comfort zone or whatever you can turn to one of them and they will apparently cover your ass by asking you a leading question or they're like your swimmies when you're trying to learn to swim or the edge of the pool right yeah they're the guys who you look at they're like oh if i don't say anything nothing will be said yeah you're ruining our show i don't think either of them ever pass up a chance to say some

shit yeah and they're they're funny too so it's a good show yeah everybody check it out good luck that's also a podcast too right yeah yeah and it's at the wind-up space it's this sunday this sunday this podcast will have come out past that it'll probably be out on monday so you guys did great megan congratulations on thank you dan i guys did great. Megan, congratulations on winning. Thank you. Dan, I cannot believe you did what you did on stage. It sucked so much. Jesus Christ. Kang the Conqueror, if you were listening, you should really come to my show

last Sunday. Who's Kang the Conqueror? I assume he time travels. Do you need to know who or could you not just infer that he time travels? This is what I'm talking about, guys. Inference. Can we just get with the program a little bit?

What time travel rules does this fellow follow? We're talking Back to the Future rules, Terminator rules, Star Trek rules. O'Doyle rules. Standard tournament rules. Death match rules. O'Doyle rules. Standard tournament rules. Uh-huh. King the Conqueror is some guy from the future who wants to take over the world by taking over the past. And the Avengers fight him off. He also dresses in purple and green, I think. Does the Marvel Universe have a decided upon time travel method?

No. There's a bunch. Okay. Name all of them right now. Starting alphabetically and ending numerically. Audrey. Debra. Two.

Mongrel. Three. Namor. Four. And... Sorry. I thought you were talking about... And Eleven. Are you guys singing kid rock songs? Ball with the ball.

The bang to bang day. Thank God for post-production on that last part. I tell you. I tell you. Saves us every time. We normally record for what? Like four hours at a time? Usually, yeah.

Let's just keep this one going. Let's just sweat and sweat and see where this podcast goes. I think we'll eventually kill each other. With your sweat, like your prehensile sweat? Prehensile? Prehensile. Your sweat will rise up, form into any tool you want, and attack the other. Prehensile post-grattle.

That's the second time prehensile has been mentioned on this podcast. Really? Jim Myers said that elephants have prehensile penises. Oh, right. Oh, that's true. They can pick things up with them. It's like they have five... What are they trying to pick up with their penis?

Pussy! Oh, yeah. Bam. Right? Hey. I'm no National Geographic, but I'd be picking up my prehensile penis. Yeah. Now I know what Babar's wife saw'd be picking up with my penis. Penis. Yeah.

Now I know what Babar's wife saw in him. Because I never understood. When I looked at Babar and his family, I'm like, what does this guy have to offer? She can do so much better. Jesus Christ. So I look at Babar. What does she see in that elephant? Is it the crown?

Yeah, she's got going to be with a Jewish elephant. Dan, you got a regular gig at a club doing stand-up, right? Yeah, tell us about that. Yeah, why didn't you mention that earlier when I asked you about fucking stand-up? Because there's not much to talk about yet. It looks like a lot of people also got the exact same verbiage I got. And what the reality is versus the excitement of being told what was going to happen are slightly different. What's the club?

There's a place called the Underground Lounge in New York City. And it's a rock club that is just now converting over to being mostly comedy. Awesome. And it's a really great room. There's a nice bar right next door. And that's a very small, intimate room. And I like being on top of the audience. Me too. Especially when there're women yeah yeah so uh and they but they've been holding auditions uh and then they held more auditions and i think they held more auditions on top of that

rob in it and it sounds like a lot of people in new york are going to be finding themselves spending a little bit of time at the underground lounge. Well, it's tough in New York. You knew that when you go up there. Yeah, it's just way more people. But, I mean, you're making headway, though. Yeah, yeah. And I'm making acquaintances.

Right. Which is really important. Business connections. Business connections. Connects. Business connections. Did you get a Christian Mingle profile yet? J-Date.

J-Date? Yeah, yeah, the other one. I have a Christian Mingle profile yet J-Date J-Date yeah yeah the other one I have a Christian Mingle profile on J-Date really wow you're a big deal it's the Jews for Jesus

it's how I stand out then you're doing great how does the Jews for Jesus thing work do you still get to be involved in things like J-Date if you're

J for J J for J-Date there's gotta be special groups there's special groups for every weird fetish. Jews for Jesus. Come on. So you're into the Savior?

What do you think about the prophecy being fulfilled? Got a pretty weird kink. Got any Baptist in you? About to go Old Testament in here. That's cool, man. Well, you're doing well. Yeah, yeah. How's Magnet?

Magnet is great. Magnet is an absolutely fantastic theater slash teaching school. And I don't just say that because I give them my money. How does that work? Well. Magnet. Magnet Improv School. How the fuck does that work? Well. Magnets. Magnet improv school. How the fuck does that work?

I'm glad everybody got it when Josh said it. Josh, you are so funnier than Mike. Thank you. I've got to break it down. Anyway, go ahead. Is there ethos different than big as far as improvs? I don't know if it's different having

only taken one class and having never taken a big class. Taught one, never took one. Really? Just auditioned, got in? Yeah, like my 44th audition. It was his second one. He got in on the second time.

She's his second one. I've been trying since the 1970s. He got it on the second time. You were seventh? She's the second. I say fifth. Tomato, tomato. Hey, you know, sometimes you have to kidnap somebody's cousin in order to get what you want. I know. I also never. I got the co-host chair on this.

Philip Coderna is still in my closet. He's doing well, though. He's fine. He's got a Skype camera in there. I check in now and closet. He's doing well, though. He's got a Skype camera in there. I check in now and again. He's got his own podcast. He's doing better than ours. I also never took a big class.

Really? I was an actor for 20 years instead. You're an actor? How many times did you audition? The first time I got in. Oh, shit. How do you like that, Dan dan how does that make your ego feel yeah i'm not really i'm not good at competition so yay for everyone uh in all fairness i'm not

good at competition i i did get in uh with the conservatory which was their sort of teaching program at the time so they were gonna teach me how to do it before they put me in. Right. That's how I learned to have a Dougie. I was in a conservatory for Dougie. Did you have to think about selling for Dougie? I did. Was it like the Magdalene Laundries in Ireland? Yes. And?

You know that obscure reference everybody knows? You know that old fairy tale from the... They send you there when you've been accused of being an actress to preserve your sanctity. I thought they gave you a big letter, a big A, in the old times when you were an actress. How long have you been in Big, Megan? I'll have my five-year anniversary on October. Getting that five-year chip. It's 10th, I think.

Nice. Nice. Nice. That's cool. We should celebrate. Have you been in Pop 6 the entire time? Well, yeah, other than the conservatory, which was, you know, came to be Pop 6 later on. Ah.

So they let us all in because we had fortunately gotten a group mind together and we're good enough. Right. So. Awesome. Sorry, Dan keeps touching the mixing board for some reason. It's dusty. I'd fortunately gotten a group mind together and we're good enough. Right. Austin? Sorry, Dan keeps touching the mixing board for some reason. It's dusty. I should tell you to touch it. Don't blame it on Dusty.

That was you, Dan. My OCD is not allowing this to stand. Your OCT? Yeah, my OCD, my occupational contrary dusting. Occupational testimonies. We did get an email today saying that we were going to find out whether or not we're in Baltimore Improv Festival yet. Because all of us, all of our troops get to be in there. But yeah, we do.

Why would Population 6 not be allowed to be in the festival? I'm just saying like all the emails are going out. Pretty big fuck you. They put a sheet up outside the theater, and everybody looks and sees if their troop is on it. Damn! Puff of black smoke billows from the synagogue. What?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Different color smoke for different color troops. You just watch it for days. Emails because I was the one that put in Doom Hilda, which is the troupe that I was directing. Right, right. I put them in, so I'm going to hear if they get in or not. But apparently there were like 85 people, you know,

trying to get into 18 spots or something like that. Yeah, there were a lot of troops. Bridget was telling me that a lot of people auditioned, or I mean sent an audition people really like the Baltimore Improv Festival I've heard from a lot of fun from teams and troops all over that it's a really well done festival and they have a lot of fun here yeah yeah it's good good times so I think that's gonna be in August like 15th this year somewhere yeah it's like 16 through the 19 yeah. Yeah. Cool beans.

Absolutely. Just going back a little bit, are people still crowding around to see the different colored smokes for the Pope? I remember when the last Pope was selected, it was a huge thing on all the news networks. They were just monitoring. And the dumb thing is, They just do it digitally now?

It still billows smoke. I think it's either the vice versa, the inverse of this, but it billows gray smoke. And then when it goes black, they've selected a pope. So it's just billowing all day. They're just watching the smoke. Oh, it's black.

They selected one. Or it goes black to gray. Can't they just do a computer screen with smoke on it? I mean, that's what they used to do back in the olden days. When they first selected the pope. Before they invented the chimney. Yes. Check the iPods.

If the rabbit died, then we would have a new Pope. No, if the Pope sees its own shadow. He's the Pope? Yes. Holy shit, I'm the Pope. It means that we're going to have six more decades of covering up sex scandals. The Pope actually, when elected Pope, he is sent into the wilderness pretty much solely to shit to come back. So when people say, does the Pope shit in the woods? Otherwise, that would cease to be a thing.

Right. Sure. So yes, the Pope shits in the woods. Controversy on the podcast. I read a damn brown book. I do think it's kind of funny, though, that they turned the smoke from white, which is purity and light and goodness,

to black, which is evil. Evil. Forgoating. Okay, we don't get racist on the show. I listen to your podcast a few times, but that's not what we do here. That means that God is pissed. Don't eat it.

Don't eat the yellow smoke. Homosexual smoke. It's a rainbow. It's just like multicolored. We have a new pope. I can still do that voice, right? That's not offensive Of course not

Too much fun Let's take a break And we're back Is this clock accurate It's 20 minutes fast Let's take a break Really I had no idea they were your sponsor

Isn't that weird Bakos The fake real bacon Really? I had no idea they were your sponsor. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Bakos. The fake real bacon. The fake real... Faux bacon at its finest. Real fake bacon. Now on meat salads at Fatburger. Move over, bacon.

Now there's something less tasty. Have you ever found yourself saying, this bacon tastes too good, we... Bakos. That's the end of it. You just laugh and say bakos. What if they invented a spray that you could put on all your food to make it taste disgusting? So that when you're in that moment after you binge and you're feeling like shit about yourself, you spray it all over your food.

Sure. And that way you won't be as attracted to it. You probably still eat it, though. I bet there's some people. Like the spray that you spray on dog shit so your dog will think, ooh, that's disgusting and I'm not going to eat it. That exists. There's a spray.

So that you won't eat it? So the dog won't eat it. I'm a grown-up. I can choose. Someone is spraying the dog shit instead of just picking it up. What are they spraying it with? Like double shit? What's worse than shit?

Like how are they like, we got to find something worse than shit. Because apparently dogs don't think it's that bad. No, they love disgusting smells like dead rotting carcasses and dead snakes and shit. It probably makes it smell like flowers. NCKB. New Kids on the Block.

What? NKOC. NKOC. It's hot. Yeah, it's very hot. Sticky and sweaty. It is hot in the city. Tonight.

Tonight. Tonight. You remember that NKOTB song, Tonight? Tonight, Trine? It was actually fairly well written, I hate to admit. I liked it when I was a kid. Never heard of it. I liked New Kids on the Block it when I was a kid. I've never heard of it. I liked New Kids on the Block more when they were the Jackson 5.

I liked the Jackson 5 better. I liked the eyebrow raise afterwards. I didn't know how that felt. I like the old eyebrow. I said that before I thought about it. I liked the original eyebrow raise. I liked New Kids on the Block better when they were the Von Trapp family singers. Before the Nazis got a hold of them.

Sent them off to teach people to ski. No. Oh, boy. New kids in the ghetto. New kids in Auschwitz. Dan does quite a lot more Jew bashing material slash Nazi themed. I wouldn't say Jew bashing. I think Dan and I are on the same page comedically

where we really don't want to do the shock that it is actually offensive. Am I right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I make a Holocaust joke that has nothing to do with the Holocaust. Let's hear it. No.

Why not? Because it's part of my act, man. That's how I make my scratch. You think I just give that away for free? You don't want to burn material on this podcast? Yeah, I'm not even going to let you have a tester. Come on. I'm saying that because I know Baltimore lingo.

I'll delete it later. I'm pretty sure that Dan is actually afraid to tell jokes in front of three other people. Whoa. It's called turning your phone off, Jack etiquette i thought it was one of our special effects the dramatic special that was dan's afraid to tell his jokes in front of three people yeah i'm afraid to tell my jokes that's who who I am. Right. I'm a person who's afraid to... I know. Who thinks something's funny and is afraid to tell it. When are you going to come out of your shell, Dan?

Probably... It's a magic shell. That's the problem. He just wants to eat his way out. Yeah, it's cold. So it's hardened over me. You're a shell of a man. A magic shell of a man. Is that what that means when people say that?

You're so inside of your shell that you exist as a shell? i thought it was just like that you're empty yeah it means like you're inside like a person it's not like on garfield where the the thing was in the egg just had legs poking out you know what i'm talking about yeah what was the garfield and friends yeah it had the crack in it like it was about to come out. It was an egg with a crack and legs poking out of the bottom. Yeah. That's where I feel, that's actually the moment I felt that Garfield jumped the shark because I was like, this is so fake.

This couldn't exist in real life. Yeah. And the rest of it was great. And then they introduced this, I mean, it's like introducing superpowers into How I Met Your Mother. Right. Or when Roseanne won the lottery. Yeah, or when Fonzie in Happy Days got on some water skis, and he water skied, and there was a shark in the water. That, to me, is the moment when Happy Days jumped the shark.

And shortly thereafter, I believe, the phrase, jumping the shark, jump the shark. What happens if water skiing jumps the shark? The universe folds in on itself. That's it. I can't wait. That's it. Really? You want the universe to end?

No, no. I just like the folding in on itself. There's places I'd like to go, but I don't like to travel. Sure. It could be a few billion years. That's what you're all about. You know, there was a brief theory by Stephen Hawking that everything would go backwards at that point.

And everything would exist in reverse. Was there a satanic message in that? No, I think that was Missy Elliott you were singing right there. Is that what it was? Where you put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Whoa, I didn't know you spoke, Missy Elliott. I can't stand the rain. He has been schooled in Elliot-ness.

Elliot-ness. Lordy. So what's been going on with you guys? Released Mike Fianazzo's record On Better Robot Records Which is doing well Which I bought Thank you

From iTunes and commented on You left a nice comment Nice review I encourage everyone else to do the same Yeah, $3.99 Not everybody $3.99? Are you out of your mind?

A little bit A little bit, yeah And yeah, it's going good Doing the improvs Doing this podcast. I had a weird medical week two weeks ago. But everything's fine now. As a doctor or as a patient?

Patience. As a patient? As a patient. As an impatient? No. So it first started, I had a lump behind my ear where I think your lymph node is close to it. And I was at work. And I thought I just had like first like, ah, it's just bone.

It's just skull. It's just I have like a weird jetting out skull part. I'm just growing more bone. Yeah, that's all. That's just a piece of denial. That's all that is. It's just denial. I don't need to worry about it.

There it is. There it is. Well, I looked for another piece of denial, and it was not there. On the other side, it's like, oh, God, I'm dead. It's cancer. I'm fucking dead. So I called my doctor or my doctor's office, and they're like, yeah, your doctor's not going to be in until Thursday. This is on a Monday.

It's like, well, I'd like to see somebody as soon as possible because I have a fucking lump on my head. She's like, all right. So I go to see somebody, and she showed you that she had a lump on her head, too, all right so i go to see somebody and she um showed you that she had a lump on her head too and it was okay to be different i've had i've had denial for years let me let you in on a little secret slowly enveloping her head look at me i'm a doctor um yeah so she's like well it might be a cyst or a fatty deposit but with these things you never really know it's like you're a doctor with these things you never really know who knows so she's like let's get a ct scan which uh only scared me even more it's like just to confirm that that it's nothing so i'm like i'm

getting a ct scan of a lump which is scary so ct stands for a cancer tracker. Yeah. Cancer tracker scam. But I had like bumps on the top of my head too, but I couldn't see them. And I was like, are these related to the lump? And she looked at it and she's like, no, it's just folliculitis,

which is like a form of ingrown hairs, but on your scalp. So don't worry about it. Huh? They're just in-laws basically. Yeah, exactly. Remember,

if marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws. So anyway, so these lumps on my head. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Anyway, these lumps on my head. She said, aren't related. My lumps. My lovely man scalp bumps on my head.

We're not related. Check it out. We're not related. And it out. We're not related. And it's like, are you sure? You are not the father. And so I went and get my CT scan. And then I noticed these bumps. They're moving down to my forehead.

And it's like, oh, fuck. This is really freaking me out. And I went back to the doctor. And I saw my regular doctor. And I'm showing her. And she's like, oh, yeah, I think this is related. And then she goes, I don't think it's herpes. I'm like, if you don't think it's herpes, just don't say that.

Do not fucking say herpes. Would you bring that in? Yeah. I don't think this is bubonic plague. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it's not Asperger's. So that just ruined my day.

It's 10 in the morning. It's like, well, I may have forehead herpes. My day's just shot. She's like, but I'm not sure, so let's take pictures, which was also embarrassing because she used her iPhone. She insisted that he take his pants off and wear a Tarzan suit. They were on his head. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That was poor. That sounds like you're about to puke. But you really want to get up. You love puking. Oh, yeah. So she's like, we'll take pictures. And we'll send them over to the dermatologist's office. And hopefully they'll know what it is.

So this will save you a trip from seeing the dermatologist and they'll give you some medicine for whatever it may be. And it's like, okay, great. So she said she would call me an hour and a half later. Cut to eight and a half hours later, I get a call from the dermatologist's office and the nurse is like, yeah, Dr. So-and-so looked at your pictures and we never really can tell from the pictures. So we're going to need you to come in. Like, I could have told you that I needed to go in. I have fucking supposed forehead herpes going on. She's like, all right, well, we can get.

The devil's teat. Yes. It's growing on my forehead. She's like, all right, well, we can get you in. It was May 7th when this happened. And she's like, we can get you in the 21st. It's like, no, I might have forehead herpes. I want to see somebody now. It's like, we can get you in the 21st it's like no i might have forehead herpes i want to see somebody now it's like i'm not trying to be mean i understand that you're

just doing your job but i'd like to see somebody as soon as possible she's like well we only have one doctor and it's been crazy here like you must have it rough i have forehead herpes i will head butt you if you do not i will headbutt you in the vagina exactly you do not yes like well maybe we get you into towson on the 17th it's like again you don't understand i need to see somebody now it's like well we can do silver spring tomorrow it's like great fine i'll go to silver spring she's like i know you personally and that you hate going south. So I didn't even want to suggest. Can you do three weeks from Tuesday? No?

Well, I got this other thing that you can drive to. I'm only 45 minutes away. So I go and see the dermatologist. And she looks at me and she's like, is it only on the left side of your head? I said, yep. She's like, I think it's shingles. I was like, ew, weird. She's like, well, it's not that weird because once you have chicken pox you have it forever

it's just latent in your system and typically it happens to older people they get it once their immune system's compromised and it happens in younger people typically when they have hiv have you had your hiv test so we go from cancer forehead forehead herpes, HIV. I feel like they were, although you've got to say cancer to herpes, not bad. I'll take it. Pretty bad. I'd want to be dead. Unless it's cancerous herpes sores.

I've got cancer of the syphilis. Two steps forward, three steps back. I'm patient zero for Kaderna syndrome of the HIV, cancer, herpes, the itis. Like most people, I never met Josh Kaderna until after he was dead. You know, it should be patient one, not patient zero. Look, I didn't come up with it. I'd like to think that I'm patient zero for lots of things. Such as?

AIDS, cancer. Really? Yeah, sure, zero. Don't have it. Not a factor. Yeah yeah i guess that makes sense um so so that really terrifies so again cancer dude i'm dead forehead herpes i wish i was dead hiv my girlfriend my girlfriend's dead because i'm gonna kill her for giving me hiv and then somebody was a virgin but hey hey well i've been with her for three years

so i figure and you're what 38 uh-huh okay yeah that's normal yeah okay yeah i just wanted to make sure it is normal yeah um and yeah the doctor added uh insults to injury and she's like well you're sexually active it's like yeah i've been with the same girl for three years and she goes look at me just judging like oh well does he look like a cheater is she cheating probably so we do i do the blood test and i'm just sitting there and it was it was terrible the guy like didn't want to touch me on his hands he's like all right just uh just take a seat here we go uh you know take yeah he had like uh like a like poncho thing yeah it looked like the end of et in there let's see him with uh marty mcfly yeah we're gonna treat you with a walkman

good luck buddy and i got a hoverboard out of the deal so i'm dying but i have a hoverboard yeah it's not bad being that they don't exist at all. They sold the shoes recently. Yeah. What shoes? Yeah, Nike made them. They're like $600 or something crazy. What do they do? Nothing. They just look like the shoes from Back to the Future for the hoverboards.

But this is on Friday morning when I found out I might have HIV. Then she's like, I'll let you know in a few days. I'm like, wow, I'm going to have a fucking great weekend. This is great. Don't give anyone blood. Could you do us a favor? Just this weekend, you might want

to keep it down to a small contained area with its own ventilation system. Just a thought. Do you have your own bubble? Let's give you a bubble. How much plastic wrap do you have? And so then they called me Monday, and they're like, oh, your blood works fine. You don't have HIV.

And yeah. Dan, what are you showing everybody? My ride is here. This is so not important to your story or this podcast that I didn't want to interrupt your podcast with it. And I'm waiting for you to get from the scary to the... I was there, but you were showing everybody your precious note. Do you understand?

God damn it, Dan. God damn it, Dan. Well, we'll never know. We're never going to know if Josh is okay. I already said it, but you weren't listening. And the note says this is based on Push by Sapphire. I have six months to live. That's all.

Thank you. Six good months? Yeah, that's what they said. They said have fun. I mean, really, they say you can only hold six months of good experiences in your brain. Do good work and keep in touch. I'm going hang gliding and kickboxing.

And we'll leave the light on for you. So, hold on. What was the thing on the side? That was my lymph node was inflamed related to the shingles and that went down. So you had shingles? Yes. And I'm fine. Doesn't shingles sound diarrhea like? It sounds fucking terrible doesn't it? It's awful. I had shingles.

I picture someone's skin turning into shingles from a house. Yeah. I'm picturing it just flaking off. So yeah I'm fine. I'm glad. I'm glad because my black suit, I need a new suit. Right.

I don't know if I can take off for another funeral. Right. Don't they just do funerals like via Skype these days? Sure. Yeah. And then you can just look nice from like the neck up. I'll just put a dickie on. My funeral dickie.

I'll just wear the thing that they put on me for the senior portraits. Gown? No, like the little vest that looks like a tuxedo. Oh, yeah, like the fake tuxedo that clips in the back. Yeah. Yeah. Those are nice. Yeah, when I had that done, the photographer, she was clipping me, and she burped in my face.

Really? When she was doing that. Did she acknowledge it? She goes, oh, I'm sorry. That was just a little gas. Like, I know what it was. Oh, it makes it better. Oh, thank God. I? She goes, I'm sorry. That was just a little gas. Like, I know what it was. It makes it better. Oh, thank God.

I thought it was, I don't know. I thought that was the devil. It's just a little gas. We call this the pain-free portraiture. Get it? Gas. Pain-free dentistry is what it is. Oh, right, right.

I love jokes that you have to explain. I find them to be filled with more humor because you get to tell it twice. So look for Dan performing in New York. He'll be telling some jokes like that. Yeah. Jokes like this. What is it with things that people don't like

that they want to know what it is with? That it is with. That's going to be a good catchphrase. What is it with things that people don't like? What's the deal with all these audiences I don't like? What is it? What's the deal with all these audiences that don't laugh at my jokes? Have you seen these people?

Have you seen these people? What is going through their heads? All right. Well, we could wrap up the podcast. You want to do that so you don't have to leave right now? Just in a couple minutes? Let's just wrap it up. All together.

All together. Can we do that? Yes. Thanks, Megan. Thank you. I didn't realize the onus was on me. Let's say goodbye. Let's say goodbye one word at a time. Who passed around the fucking note? It's not Dan Gresham Sessions. Ooh. I

Megan Wills one word at a time we're saying goodbye one word at a time I Megan Wills I'm leaving this podcast if you're a podcaster

you should start a business called Megan Wills and it'll be Wills for people that sounds like I'd have to become a lawyer. Oh, right. I wonder if that's what your name means.

It means a lawyer who strictly works with estate planning in ye olde country. Your family's from ye olde country, right, Megan? Yeah, actually, it was Wills, and they changed it over when we came into the country. Why would they add an extra... No, it was Vils with a V. Right. So why make it longer? Don't they normally make it shorter?

How is that making it longer? They replaced it with a V. Holy shit. A W is essentially two Vs instead of one. You'd think it'd be the other way around. You'd think the name Williamson would become Villianson. And when you turn it upside down, it is an entirely different sounding consonant. Why is it called a double U and not a double V?

Incontinent. It's more because U's used to look like Vs. U's and Vs used to be like the same. Oh, yeah. Hey, guys, don't fight. That's true. Is that like how S's and F's used to be the same thing? Sort of yeah

Yeah like in Shakespeare Us and Vs did It looks like an F Yeah It's a big S With a little line through it It looks like an F Have you never read a periodical from the 17th century?

You dumb fuck You stupid fuck Do you know what's all the same? Just that one about Wait wait Dan's trying to tell a joke Do you know what's all the same? Just that one about... Wait, wait, Dan's trying to tell a joke. Just the one about the guy who's trying to find the Holy Grail. He fights the Nazis.

Oh, Twilight? Yeah. Oh, okay. Dan? Who's currently checking his phone? I had a text. Where can people see you checking your phone next? People can see me checking my phone at the Underground lounge on thursdays at 11 every thursday uh every thursday

i get up the gumption uh-huh uh i don't the forest gumption the yeah the forest gumption uh people can also see me at my office from 11 to 7 every day, cutting purchase orders. Frequently at Union Square, standing around looking for, hoping that something to do will magically appear besides going home. And, oh, weeping in the corner. Oh, yeah. It's a great spot.

You can see me tomorrow night on Expert of Nothing at the wind-up. You can see me, you can go to www.expertofnothing.com to listen to the most recent episode of Expert of Nothing. Yes. They're also on iTunes. Really?

Are they? Megan Mills. So people won't be able to see you, actually, because this comes out on Monday. All the time, Travis. But you'll be able to listen to me to your heart's delight. Absolutely. If this isn't enough. If you can't get enough Dan Lyle.

And who can? For a while. Expert of Nothing coming out soon. Ain't no denial. Dan Lyle's not just a river in Egypt anymore. Megan, you can be seen tonight. I can be seen tonight in a town theater at Meadow Mill.

By Kang the Conqueror. He's just in the front row. Very funny. This is the fifth time I've seen this improv show. I love it. Mike Moran? Yes. What do you got going on, fella?

What do I have? What day is this coming out? This will be Monday the 28th. Well, we are doing Mike Fianazzo's CD release at the Sidebar this evening. That's going to be a lot of fun. Free show. Monday at 8. Correct. Yep. CD release party the Sidebar this evening. It's going to be a lot of fun. Free show. One day at 8. Correct.

Yep. CD release party. I'll be doing like 10 minutes. Yep. 10 minutes or so. And see. Other than that, I don't really have much coming up.

Right. About an improv show a month. I think that's the schedule. Or like two a month in the summer. If you want to check out all the comments on my latest column, they are quite controversial and hilarious. Don't check out the column. Go right to the comments on my latest column. They are quite controversial and hilarious.

Don't check out the column. Go right to the comments. Yeah. Right to the comments. It's really, like, that's where you'll find me. Can you believe Kang the Conqueror got the first comment? Isn't that weird? How does he pull it off?

I don't know. He just wrote first. He's always first in line for Pearl Jam tickets, too. Son of a bitch. That son of a bitch. Yeah, well, yeah Yeah everybody go out to The Sidebar Show tonight Monday 28th

Free show Matt Betts Mike Stork Mike Moran Mike Finozzo I think Umar Khan's gonna be there Open mic after And there'll be CDs

A lot of mic going on CDs and t-shirts Yeah there's tons of mics You know it's the fourth most popular name In the world I When I was born I believed

Not the world Might be Might was born, I believed it. No, not the world. Probably in America. It might be the U.S., actually, yeah. Fourth most fucking popular. I believe the year I was born, it was the first most popular. You're a trendsetter, baby. Yes, I am. You're a trendsetter, baby.

Why do you think everybody's wearing black t-shirts and having bad posture these days? That's you. Yep. Everybody wants to be the solopsis with the colostomy. Sorry, you're busted. Solopsis with the colostomy. No! The solopsophy with the colostomy bag.

Alright, well thanks everybody. Thanks for listening. Alright. Keep it real. Enjoy your time. I love you guys, not in a platonic way. Yeah. I love you guys not in a platonic way. We're going to get an air conditioning unit soon. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. you you you you you you