The Digression Sessions - Ep. 39 - John Bennett & Patrick Storck

Episode Date: June 13, 2012

“Wicked Mustanes” Hola Digheads! On this week’s show we are joined by a couple very funny and knowledgeable men - John Bennett and Patrick Storck - for a nice chat in the Dig Sesh HQ. Patrick writes comics, plays, movies, and wonderful bathroom wall poetry. John is the host of Mondo Baltimore and The Chuckwagon Revival podcast. Recently, Patrick and John combined their powers to create the hilarious show Expert of Nothing.   Expert of Nothing is a monthly live show where contestants challenge their knowledge (or lack thereof) in a battle of wits to be Baltimore top know-it-all, where it's not what you know but how you flow on topics ranging from Astronomy to Zooey Deschanel.   As John describes it, it’s like watching a “A guy in a bar who has no idea what he’s talking about, but every reason to justify it.” The next show will be Sunday June 17th at The Windup Space in Baltimore. We also discuss a number of topics for this episode including, but not limited to: Dave Mustane’s inability to read, David Blaine’s greatest magic trick of all, meeting celebrities, the 90s obsession with polygons in virtual reality, radio theater of the mind, how Nintendo made bowling an even lazier sport, AND….it’s official Mike Finazzo’s album “Stupid Genius” is available via Josh’s record label Better Robot Records on iTunes, Amazon, and Spotify!? Only $3.99 on iTunes! (BetterRobotRecords.com) Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should Mike Moran cut his hair?!?! Say it on our forum!! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @JKuderna @MichaelMoran10 @JohnBennettTwit @PStorckBmore

🎵 🎵 We can play, we can play 🎵 🎵 What do we can game play? 🎵 I just got a flash of you two rolling around in the sand with your shirts off. And black and white. Wait a sec, I got that on here actually. Really? That was earlier today. I know you had a camera on us.

That video was weird for me when I was a kid because it was such a hauntingly disturbing song, but I wanted to masturbate to it. Is this Chris Isaac? Yeah. Something about it just seems sexy. The video was as close to nudity as you could get on TV. Was it on a beach?

Yeah. I'm catching up now. I don't know. There were a couple music videos that were like, I want to beat off to this. Right. I can't remember what they were.

Once bitten, twice shy. Once bitten, twice shy. The Megadeth one where there's a whole bunch of Dave Mustains in an insane asylum. Oh. H-O-T-Hot.

I wanted to masturbate through that one. I wasn't a Megadeth fan. Mike was, though. Did you hear about the Megadeth concert where they were chucking rocks at Megadeth so they stopped the show and then they brought a spokesman out to tell them that we stopped the show

because you guys threw rocks and they drove him off the stage because they were throwing rocks at the spokesman. Did the spokesman do an encore? I guess so. What lineup would Megadeth possibly be with that would prompt the audience to throw rocks? Where were all these rocks coming from?

Was this like Lilith Fair or something? Like, oh, get out of here. You don't belong here. Wasn't Dave Mustaine for Rick Santorum? Yeah, I think I heard something like that. Yeah. I don't think he was that blatant. He was just like, I like him.

I like the cut of his jib. Everybody's like, yeah. That's your Dave Mustaine impression? Yeah, he's not too bad. I like the cut of his jib. Lars Ulrich's an asshole. Hello, me. And I like Rick.

Meet the real me. You know the real reason he got kicked out of Metallica is he can't read, right? Really? No. That's an asshole. Hello, me. And I like... Meet the real me. You know the real reason he got kicked out of Metallica is he can't read, right? Really? He's fucked up. That would be so awesome. He swore the Earth was flat. Yeah.

That's actually where the name Megadeth came from. He just was putting letters he thought looked familiar. Right. He didn't realize he was spelling death wrong, actually. Same thing with Axl Rose. We have a heliocentric galaxy, Dave. He's like, no, fuck it. I'm out of here.

Uh-uh. No, no. Got to know who's a dick. And now it's 30 years later, and he's still pissed off. Yeah. All right. Well, welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. Hi, everybody.

The Megadeth edition. Hey, everybody. Meet everybody. I'm one half of your favorite pair of earbuds. Josh Koderna. And I'm the other path. I'm the other path of self-acceptance. The slipsist

with a slipped disc. 50% of your favorite pair of earbuds. The Aaron Brockovich of Remington. A man who only needs four introductions. Mike Moran. Hey. How you doing, Josh? I'm doing very well.

Very, very well. Very, very well? Yeah. You got a new television, I noticed. I got a new TV downstairs. Does it have a tube over the screen? No, no. It's one of those flat dealies.

Right. It's a flat screen. Is it color?'s one of those flat dealies right it's a flat color it's color yeah yeah it costs a little extra for color but i said you know what let's do it right let's get a color tv let's go you ever heard like a person in the modern age refer to a television as a color tv no i have i don't think i have i don't appreciate it all right my dad whenever he talks about his dv, he calls it the tape. He's like, well, the tape was still running. You know it's a DVR.

He's like, you know what I mean. Why don't you just say the DVR? I think my mom still calls DVDs CDs. Right. Yeah. When we would rent videos, she'd be like, do you want to rent a VCR? Not that my mom has that accent, but I think she should. Michael? She says things like that. Yeah, my dad does that accent, but I think she should. Michael?

Yeah, my dad does that with DVDs, too, though. He's like, yeah, the tape was all scratched up. Does your dad add S's to things that don't have S's? No. You want to go to Walmart? Yeah, at the Walmart. I'm going to pick up a couple of tapes. The absolute worst is when people pluralize the names of bands that aren't plural.

Do you like the Blues Travelers? Who said that to you? My cousin years ago. I always remember that for some reason. In high school. Were you like, I love the Blues Traveler. Probably. Yeah.

I think I let that one slide. Really? I think I didn't realize how much I hated. That's the one grammatical mess up that you let slide in your life. Well, no. no, no. I mean, I'm pretty bad with grammar a lot of the time. I just don't like it when people are pretentious enough to pretend like they don't know some pop culture item. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm too smart to know this accurately. Yeah, I don't really care. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, my co-worker, I think I was telling you about this. What was she trying to say? Oh, she was trying to say

deplict and she... Depict? Depict. And that's what she was saying. She was saying deplict. Right. She's like, well, I don't know what they're

trying to deplict here. It's like, depict? She's like, yeah, what are they trying to deplict? It's like, yeah. That shows what I'm talking about trying to deplete here. It's like, depict? She's like, yeah, what are they trying to deplete? It's like, yeah. It just shows what I'm talking about. Yeah, it's one of those things where somebody said something wrong so many times, when you correct them, it's just going to be really awkward.

It's like, you just said that 72 times, and it was wrong every time. I feel like that's what happened with the Native Americans, because they're like, look, it's been 500 years. You're still calling us Indians. We're not freaking Indians. It's 1990 and you still think we're in India. It's exactly like that. My co-worker

is saying de plict. She also said Trump-cated instead of Trunk-cated. She's like, yeah. Well, I'm just impressed that someone knows the meaning of the word Trunk-cated. Because I don't. I honestly don't. No?

I honestly don't. Cut short. Okay. Am I right, fellas? We have two experts in our midst. I love that's how an elephant gets food in its body. Truncates? He truncated.

Truncated. According to my truncated word of day calendar memory, I think that's what it means. I'm not sure, though. Well, let's introduce our guests. Which one do we introduce first? Because I feel like they're going to feel self-conscious about whoever isn't. Oh, man. Should we just mix them together?

All right. We have John Stork. Oh, see what you used to use John. Sayjack. No, not paid but you used his... And we have Pat Sajak. No, not Pat Sajak. We're getting there. I mixed them together. Yeah, but you said John's first name first,

so that's kind of a slight... What was I supposed to say at second? All right. Stork John. Stork John. And Bennett Pat. The co-host of the show Expert of Nothing, also a podcast, Mr. Pat Stork and Mr. John Bennett. Welcome to the podcast, guys.

Good evening. Glad to be here. Thanks for coming out. Oh, thanks. Glad to have you guys. How are you? Glad to be halved. Oh.

Halved or halved? He's a big fan of King Solomon. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right. If I could be cut in half and given half to you and you, I think I would be so grateful. You know what? Just go to Josh.

I don't want to see you be cut in half. Yeah, I'll take. Can you be cut in half? But I'll just take both halves. Do you know David Blaine? Uh-huh. Okay. Close personal friend.

We can do this. Yeah. Taught me to levitate and to love again. That was his greatest magic trick of all. I thought that was proving that his ratings existed. That too. I was reading about David Blaine, and he wanted to do a trick where he axe murdered a woman on stage.

That was his trick. It was his ex-wife. It would make it look like it was an axe murder. I actually got to meet him once once It was actually a machete murder He actually poisoned her before No, she was already dead I didn't technically murder her with the axe It just looked like it

She had a glass of hemlock before she came out Oh look, that is your card inside her stomach Your name is printed on her thigh bone. Now for my next trick, intestine, intestine, intestine dove. Pulling intestines out of his sleeve. Well, he wanted to kill

that woman. You ever heard of this performance artist? I don't remember her name, but she basically sat in a museum and she just stared at whoever sat in the other chair. And people would weep and cry. It was weird. and she just stared at whoever sat in the other chair. And people would weep and cry. And it was weird. She would just stare at them.

Weep and cry. She wanted to make a connection with her eyes. That was her deal. Right. Sounds like she's kind of a downer if everybody's just crying. I know. Why would that happen? That's why David Blaine wanted to kill her on stage with an axe. She made eye contact with him once.

Is this some dream you had or something? No, no. This is a real performance artist. A woman stares at people until they cry? Yeah, she basically sat in a museum for hours. Right. Sounds like Mike's mother. And there was an empty seat,

and you could sit there, and you could stare at her for like three minutes or something. And she would stare with you and just stare into your eyes. Right. And people would just... And whoever laughed first had to leave.

Yeah. Like, she't do nothing. She would not react. She would just sort of So it was like some sort of psychological release for people to start crying. I guess so.

I guess people got off the bus and just Were people trying to make her laugh? Like ooh. Yeah, there was some Buckingham Palace guard assholes

Right. There, you know. All you had to do is add a tray of butterscotch candies and you actually had my aunt. We dealt with that every year. Put an ashtray there. There it is.

Does she approve? Does she disapprove? Does she know I dropped out of college? No, she's a good girl, aunt. Kill her. Did you bring my Virginia Slims? No. No, man.

No, man. They should do like a wacky cartoon version of Psycho with like Norman and his mom. She chases him around. No, man. You get back here. My mom's a real psycho. You'd have the comic relief would be all these stuffed owls. They could talk like in Hunchback.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would all give him advice. Norman and friends. Yeah. Every week he stabs to death an extortionist. I like it. I think we're onto something, guys. So, Pat, you said you met

David Blaine? Oh, yeah. A couple years back, because of my day job, I was up at Toy Fair up in New York. What's your day job? I work at a toy and comic book distributor. And we were up there basically for the big trade show. And David Blaine came to our booth. And we have a sister company that actually produces toys. And he was asking about getting action figures made of himself.

Really? Yeah. It seemed like he was kind of going to every booth and seeing what can you make of me, how fast, how much, how cheap. Right. And basically he made polite conversation go away. That was his trick that day.

He didn't even really do anything fancy when he gave a business card. And now I'll be the rudest man in the room. Watch me work. I'm just going to kind of look around indifferently. None of you are here. I've just made my interest in everyone around me go away. There was no flair to the business card at all.

It was just like, wall it out, fumble, fumble, Taco Bell receipt. There you go. I'm the head of the National Gay and Lesbian. I'm the president of the National Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Sorry. Simpsons reference. Watch as I seamlessly defer all of my attention to the hot chick in the room and not you. It's like the trailing off of my sentence will just disobey.

He's just kind of a dead man. You should have sat with that staring lady for a while. Just make action figures of her. She'll just about two minutes in, when he's not expecting it, she'll actually finally say something and just be like, I see the card on the window already. You're not levitating. Nobody believes you.

I'd want to go and stare at that lady with like a piece of potato chip on my cheek or something. Right. Because then she'd have to say something. That would be really painful. It'd be a battle of wills because she just... Oh, that's good radio. Hilarious. Reach for her face.

Providing the stage directions to our lovely radio play. Then David Blaine exits right. Do we have a sound effect for that? Prairie Home Companion, eat your heart out. Where's the coconut shells? She rides her horse away. She rides her horse.

Sir, you've bested me. That's a loud horse. They started banging the horse against the table. Just had to make everything start banging. And some guy wanted in the room. That's all we have is banging. And then she started crying. Use the doorbell.

That's all we got. That's all we have is keys and wood. You've been listening to the Divorce Father Hour. And that's when the ghost of our marriage ran away. And I shot her. Oh, shit. It was a small gun. It was a very small gun.

Oh, God. Woo. The show's... Boy, oh, boy. Yeah. Take that, Prairie Home Companion. Well, you guys are the host of Expert in Nothing, and I've been on the show. I think a lot of our guests have been on the show. It's a fun show.

Would you guys mind explaining your show? Break it down for the digheads? That makes sense. Yeah, it's basically a live game show. We do it about once a month. And the concept is we have eight contestants that we get ahead of time. They each pick a single topic out of a list of about 30 that we have pre-prepared. Yeah, hopefully something they know, too.

Yeah, we generally say go for a safety net. And then they take that topic, they come up on stage, and live on stage we give them their second topic, which they clearly know how to relate to whatever they've picked. So, like as an example, if I was to pull Star Wars out of the list of pre-topics, then I would get up on stage and... Watermelon. Oh, sure, watermelon. Watermelon has everything to do with Star Wars. I mean, first off, the first planet we really experience is Tatooine, and that is a very waterless planet, so it's not a refreshing planet to be on.

You're going to want something succulent like a watermelon, and that's why Star Wars came out in the summer. Everyone was thinking watermelon when it came out because it was a summertime heat kind of flick. Interesting. And you would go from there, I think. Right. Basically, we like the idea of a bar room know-it-all,

like the guy who doesn't know. One of the most entertaining things to me, as far as me, is just a guy who has no idea what he's talking about, but every reason to justify it. That's really interesting. Because that's really kind of a big part of comedy, making unexpected connections. It sounds like the redneck philosopher would be something he'd be interested in. Oh, that's true.

Don't you think so? I think he could be a good contestant. Yeah, the redneck philosopher. You ever hang out in the county and get drunk with the guy who has the weirdest philosophical... See, man, it's like the whole world, just one big old transmission. God's staring down at you, man,

all them stars up in that sky. You know what I'm talking about? Grass is the world's hair on its arms When a storm's coming That's why it bristles It's got goosebumps Yeah, Mike and I do that all the time Try to come up with redneck witticisms

Just dumb stuff Like God's gonna put the drywall up But he ain't gonna paint it for you You gotta do that on your own You know? Them tornadoes They ain't going to paint it for you. You got to do that on your own. You know? Them tornadoes, they ain't got to be angry. That's Dale Sr. up there doing laughs to tell us he

loves us. I believe the great philosopher, great white sad. Once bitten, twice shy. Three times a lady. Weren't their albums once bitten and then the second one was twice shy?

I think so. That's really planning in advance. They also had a manager who didn't have a pyrotechnics degree. Yeah. He didn't go to pyrotechnics. No license at all. They have a degree in that? Yeah, you can get a license for that.

Like for entertainment license. And it goes by degrees by how much you can blow up. Like to blow up a car is like a level four. Can I just take the intellectual conversations that go on? Yeah, you can take the GED of pyrotechnics. Imagine like the discussions that go on amongst the intellectuals at pyrotechnic university. The discussions. Those walls could talk and blow up.

The pranks they must play. You're putting too much zinc nitrate in there. They don't want blue all the discussions. If those walls could talk and blow up. The pranks they must play. You're putting too much zinc nitrate in there. They don't want blue all the time. They don't want blue. Well, yeah. It's a fun show. So you guys have a show. When's the next one? The next one is June 17th and then it's every

last Sunday of the month. At Wind Up? At the Wind Up Space. At the Wind Up Space. At the Wind Up Space. 8 o'clock. Right on. Are you still doing Mondo Baltimore? Yeah. This is going to be our two-year anniversary.

Coming up tomorrow, we're going to be screening a, what is it, a Troma premiere of Father's Day. The original Father's Day from like 20 years ago? No. This is a brand new film. Brand new Father's Day. Oh, wait. I'm thinking of Stepfather, aren't I? Yeah, there was Stepfather, which did get remade, apparently.

Yeah, I think they made one of the PG-13. Now, the first one had Locke from Lost, right? Yeah, Terry O'Quinn. You know that was slightly based on a true story? Really? Lost? No. Okay, was it Big Crosby's?

I'll get it. There's a guy who murdered his entire family for religious reasons and then disappeared for like 30 years. And they found out what America's Most Wanted. Wow. See, that they should have put in the remake. Yeah.

The Chris Benoit story. I'll leave. And stay out. Hold on, I forgot my keys. I'm just going to lock that behind you. Oh, no. Guys, I forgot my keys. Those sound like them.

Now get on your horse and leave. All right. Nay. Quiet, you. That's not a horse. That's a reindeer. You're like the Fred Travolino of keys. You're amazing.

Congratulations. That is now the most insulting thing anyone has ever said to me. John Bennett had a pretty good life. Fred Travolino used to be the shittiest. He would do impressions that didn't sound anything like the guy. You made Pat cry. And he was on all these talk shows. You're like that woman staring.

I'm so sorry for calling you Fred Travolina. I apologize. But he was a terrible impressionist when he was famous? Yeah, he would go on, like, game shows all the time. And he would always do, like, Reagan or something. And it would be fucking awful. Really? And no one noticed that it he a novelty to you guys?

No. He just coasted on lack of talent. He was an easy book. He was the guy that Rick Dees would get as a last minute replacement for somebody who canceled. Why can't I be that guy? Well, you got to know Rick Dees. All right.

Let's hear your Charlie Sheen impression. All right. Here's my impression of Charlie Sheen impression. All right. Here's my impression, Charlie Sheen. He needs some serious psychological help. All right. I stole that joke. Mark Miller. I wish I had thought of that one.

That's a good one. Yeah, that's a good joke. Mark Miller, funny guy. Funny guy. A roast of Mark Miller coming up. Oh, yeah? What are you going to say about Mark Miller? I am going to make fun of his appearance.

I'm going to make fun of his mumbly speech. And his awkward stage presence. Okay. So where is this going down? Why is he being roasted? No, I'm just doing this by myself. You're just going to show up at his house? Yeah.

Hey, Mark. Get the marbles out of your mouth. Fucking idiot. That would be horrifying. If all your friends just broke into your mouth. Fucking idiot. That would be horrifying if all your friends just broke into your house and roasted you. Just destroyed you. What a dick move that would be.

I feel like the roast though is kind of like passive aggressive cruelty masked as good natured ribbing half the time at least. Have you ever gotten like a real compliment from a comic?

Never. No. It's always prefaced by something and you're like, oh, it's coming. And you're just waiting for it. Or it's a backhanded compliment.

You know, I really like what you did. But. Yeah. Or it's like, you know what? You're getting better. So it's kind of like,

oh, so I suck? Oh, thanks. That suit looks good on you. On you? On you, yeah. But then again, compared to you, anything will look good. You have a lot of courage to wake up in the morning. Good for you.

You're doing well. Wow. You certainly have audacity. Wow. I'll give you that. You look like you're having fun up there, Mike. Hey, as long as you had a good time, that's all that matters. That's the worst.'s all the worst at least you had fun right the audience was not having fun at all yeah I think there is a good there is a way to compliment people though and be honest even when yeah yeah without being

a dick one of these days I'll figure out what that is it's apparently just saying nice things it's so I've been told are you sure I don't know hmm not how I was raised

so there's no permutation where Fred Travolina is a good anything not that I can think of no does he still exist does he still perform

he's dead is he yeah he's dead oh yeah he? Yeah, he's dead. He's doing impressions in the sky now, you guys. Here's the friend. Do St. Peter again. Hey, you can't come in here. All right, I'm going to go.

Heaven's locked. So anyway, expert of nothing. What? Where was I? Go on. It's basically you pretend to be a genius about what you're talking about. We want you to pretend to be an expert. Like a competition style. And you're given these two random elements, so you have to make those connections.

And there's a lot of comedy to be involved. It goes really absurd. The audience asks great great questions and it becomes sort of an experience it's really fun game to play yeah it sounds really fun yeah who would what what is what do you do to win like is it audience approval or we're working on that We generally go for Crowd reaction Our opinion of like For each round Because the first round

Four people move on To the second round But the four people Who don't move on Actually get to interrogate The people who do In one-on-one sessions So everyone still gets

To be a part of the show But a lot of times We look at Who's going to be A much better aggressor Who's going to be a part of the show uh but a lot of times we look at who's going to be a much better aggressor who's going to be a much better defender yeah um and you know who's going to really be able to stand up against somebody else because the final round is two people head to head yeah and they each pick a topic we give a topic in the middle that they have to relate to so we need them to both be able to really just kind of go at each other and defend themselves. Yeah, we want really two strong competitors at the end

because that's got to be like that barroom argument between two people talking. No, no, no, I know more about this. Lord Palmerstein. Just mention the Dead Ceiling. See what they do with it. Oh my God, they don't know anything. Nobody does.

Oh, I thought you said the Dead Ceiling. The Dead Ceiling? You mean Sistine Chapel? I don't know that band. No, I don't know those guys. The Dead Ceiling. As far as you can get with the Grateful Dead on one take of gas. Oh man, he speaks to the Dead Ceiling on one tank of gas. Oh, man, he speaks as dead ceiling.

Approaching the dead ceiling, man. I guess we just got to stop at this here fish show. Oh, no. Man. I feel sad for that. Me too. Pretend people that we invented. Sounds like a terrible string cheese incident.

One of the important things is that they have fun. You want me to go? I'll go. Okay, good. Very slowly. One step at a time. He's moping away. You know, doing it on the pogo stick was kind of a dick move on your part.

I'm just trying to show off my skills. All right. He hasn't missed one. I have to give him that. Those are pretty high jumps if you think about it. Oh, wait. Look out. There's a chandelier coming.

Oh, my head. I think about it. Oh, wait. Look out. There's a chandelier coming. Oh, my head. I think you just hit the dead ceiling. I should not have put a chandelier in this podcast room. I try to impress my guests. That's very nice. And end up hitting my head. You don't have to pretend to look at it. I have a method podcast.

He really gets into it. I think the listeners could pick up on that. You got a very Robin Williams way of doing voiceover. You know, you're just very animated.

A lot of coke before. I've got it lined on the top of it. Right there. A really hairy chest. That's where I keep additional cocaine. In your chest?

Yeah. It's like Gold Bond. I just stand in front of a fan and just let it come up. Yep. Excuse me, do you have an oscillating fan? I need to do cocaine out of my own chest hair. Let me go get that. I can't believe it's not chest hair.

What? I don't know. I just thought believe it's not chest hair. What? I don't know. I just thought that would be funny. You make your own. I was at the gym recently at work, and there's an old guy who powdered his balls, and then he stood in front of the fan. There's a big...

Really? You witnessed this happening? Oh, yeah. And I was standing downwind from this fella. I don't know if it was intentional, but it was like, touche, old man. Are you sure you didn't see this in an Adam Sandler movie or something was intentional, but it was like, touche, old man. Are you sure you didn't see this in an Adam Sandler movie or something?

No, no, no. It's just some old guy. The old guy etiquette in the gym is insane. Just balls for days, just walking around. I've noticed that before. The sauna. You ever had the locker room sauna experience?

I've never been in a sauna, but I'm just talking like to and fro the shower. Right. It's a ball bonanza. Yeah. Well, they used to swim naked in the nude. Who did?

Old men. When they were young men. Just old men? It used to be. We talked about this before. It was normal for men in the 60s and before to swim nude together. Did you guys know about this? My dad said he did.

I've watched all the Mad Men. I've never seen that. Where's guys know about this? My dad said he did. I've watched all the Mad Men, so I've never seen that. Where's this two nude mates? In school, in college, in YMCA's it was perfectly normal for people of your own sex group to swim naked together regularly. I think this is something your grandpa

just told you that you've taken as gospel. And then they invented pedophilia and then I got out of there. In defense of this, I think this was before the highway system had given us truck stops. I think these were basically, like the YMCA was the truck stop of the past. Right, there was the swimming hole before the glory hole. You mean, you're telling me that the entire reason why men stopped swimming together with their junk hanging out is because Dwight E. Eisenhower didn't make the intercontinental, well intercontinental

what is it? Interstate highway system. I'm just saying that it allowed for more random strange along the routes. The whole reason why the highway system was built was because people were tired of swimming naked. I gotta get to the more strange quicker.

It's a lot easier that way. More access to beaches where you can swim naked in the ocean. Also, think about it. All seasons. I was about to say, think about it. It's only three months out of the year, really, where it's game on for some people. This way, you've got roads. You can get strange views.

I think it was mostly indoor swimming. Really? Yeah. I don't think you swam nude outside. I mean, maybe. That'd be crazy. Might. Why are you saying that?

Water's water. I don't think they did that Well because You know What about the opening Of the Andy Griffith show Where they're Stark

And they just had poles And they're just Andy They've got a pole On their shoulder And a pole Between their legs Yeah just one

With a string around That's the worst joke I've ever made Pedophilia that's my remix so when you got done seeing this old guy did you end up looking like powder it was pretty bad

it was all over my face I had a meeting too it was terrible it didn't get on me it was just the smell I was like why does it smell like baby powder so much? And I look over, it's just some old guy. Just balls of Kimbo right in front of the fan. Why would he be powdering his balls? What's the point of that?

I think it's soak up moisture. Is he going to do the ball pummel horse or something? No, moisture smell, I think, has to do with it. Fellas, do you want to powder your balls? He powdered his balls so he could line up his cue. That's an old technique. That's an old, yeah. By the way,

that's the worst supervillain origin story I've ever heard, is that you got powder blowing your face from Ed's balls. What superhero? Why so serious? Well, if it isn't Ghostface Killer. You know how I got this powder face?

Do you want to know how I got it? I was sweaty and it formed a ball paste all along. A ball paste. If it isn't my old enemy Talbot. Gold Bond, I'll get you. It's like I was some weird testicle papillon mache.

Papillon mache? Papillon mache. I'm sorry, that's ridiculous. What's that? That's ridiculous. Papillon mache. You just look like one of the Incans from Apocalyptia. Apocalyptia.

And Pepiario is wrong. God damn it. Apocalyptia. How's it feel? That's the Metallica cover band. It's four cellos. Apocalyptia. Four cellos and one cup.

Unexpected connections is what we're making over here. Dave Mustaine going, what do you guys do with those big-ass violins? Are they little people or big violins? He got kicked out of Apocalyptica, too, I think. Yeah, he did. He couldn't read sheet music. He can only do chords. Poor Dave Mustaine. He's driving a snack truck now, right? I think so. The can only do chords. Poor Dave Mustaine.

He's driving a snack truck now, right? I think so. The Tasty Cakes. The Mustaine train? Yeah, he's got the Tasty Cakes route that does... Yeah. Angry again. How resentful can one individual be? You're in a rock band

that is successful, which is nearly impossible to do, and you spend your entire career pissed off that you're not in a different rock band anymore. Yeah. It's bizarre, isn't it? You could be a millionaire, and you're still like, God, I still have to be angry all the time. Dave Mustaine always wants more. It's like that old saying.

Dave Mustaine just can't get enough. You think that's universal among super successful people like that is that they just have this insatiable lust for success? That's how they got there. I think that's how they got there. You've got to be wired for it. Absolutely. Yeah.

I just imagine Henry Rollins going through his email looking for the negative ones just so he could have some heat to get up in the morning. Right. Doesn't need to drink the morning. Something to do. Motivation to hang out. He was actually talking about that when we saw him. He pretty much reads every email. He responded to your email. Yeah, several times.

This is the last time I tell you. Cease and desist. Michael Mann. Yes! Alright, I get it. You love me and Johnny Mnemonic. What else do you have to contribute? Go rent the chase. Give me something.

I never got to speak to the dolphin. I don't know. I'm not even in that scene. Back off me, man. There's a fucking dolphin! Are you sure you're not thinking of Sequest? No, in Johnny Mnemonic, there's like this treehouse dolphin. A treehouse dolphin in this... A treehouse dolphin. Yeah, and he's

like the brain of the internet. Is it like a puppet that comes out of the treehouse? Like, hey, everybody. This is like mid-90s CGI. Is that Johnny Mnemonic? Or a Manny type virtual reality. Like in the 90s, they were like, this is the future of virtual reality. And everything looked real boxy.

The world's gonna look like this, but with polygons. In the future, everybody loves polygons. Remember when virtual reality was like the future of video gaming? Yeah. It didn't really catch on, did it? Yeah, because we got all fat. We can't fit in the virtual reality anymore. Like, everybody wants to be something other than reality.

They don't want to be virtual. Right. Just put zero reality, not virtually reality. It just all got so complex. I think Wii bowling is about the max level for anyone for virtual reality. It's like, wow, I could explore this entire world or just kind of swing my arm back and forth. I don't even have to get up.

You don't have to do the full bowling motion. A friend of mine, he just flicks his wrist and gets a strike. That's not the point. Because bowling needed to be lazier. Yeah, right? Now they got like voice commands on K'nex and stuff, so it's like, K'nex, powder my balls.

All right. K'nex, turn on fan. Turn fan on. We naked swimming. We naked swimming. You should write a bit around that bowling thing though That's good Could bowling get any lazier Unless there's a way that the game can actually deliver

Cheese fries to your couch They should have We delivery system with that You know there's Removing a pause from that would pretty much guarantee that that would be a successful game. Just a weed delivery. Let people smoke up,

sit there, cheese fries, and just flick at the TV for a little while until they realize their turn's been over for ten minutes. Do you have a comedy background, Pat? Do you do any improvs? Try stand-up? I've done stand-up like two or three times just because I'd be in an open mic night for other folks.

And I'm like, I just filled a napkin. Sure, I'll give it a shot. Right, right. But I started out high school, did some theater. College, just was a general jackass with my friends. That's what you studied, general jackass? Yeah. I mean, it was Towson State.

That's pretty much all I got. But I just always enjoyed writing stuff more than actually getting up and performing. Right. Right. I do. I'm actually working on my third play now. Which hopefully will be up in the fall. Yeah. The first two were zombie comedies. Zombities.

Yep. The third one is romantic zombies. Rob zombies. Rob zombies. Rob zombie con. You going to that this year?, yeah. Rom-zoms. Ro-zom-coms. Rob-zombies. Stop! Rob-zombie-con. You going to that this year?

Oh, yeah. Down in Atlanta, they're going to have a lot of bluegrass. I heard Stanley might be signing autographs. 50 bucks a pop. He'll tell you that he actually created Halloween. Back in my day, I thought that there should be a holiday where people put on masks.

Once you get old enough, you can convince people that you invented things that have been around for thousands of years. I created Judaism. I have heard that that's true, that Stan Lee takes credit for a lot of things that he really had not much to do with. He actually said he would be happy to have a part in the Dark Knight movie. Of course he would.

I don't think he knows that it's not Marvel. He doesn't realize that he didn't invent it. Hello, true believer. Think like a man? I'd love to be in that. I'm pretty sure I invented the Medea character. He's the Black Panther. He created sexual tension when I called a woman toots.

He has the power to become a grandmother at will. Excelsior! At will. His racial stereotypes are impeccable. Unmatched. Yeah, so anyway, so you're working on your next play? Yeah, this one hopefully is going to go up this year.

We're looking at it in the fall up in New York. Wow, awesome. Rough concept of it, not to give too much away. It's going to be a demonic puppet musical set in a bar. Nice. Yeah. Jim Pom-Com. Pom-Pom.

A-holic. Jim Pom-Pom-A-Colic. A-Colic guy. But, yeah, the first one was a zombie play where basically a bunch of people are trying to get from Pittsburgh out to a brewery because they figure that'll be the most defensible location. Things go bad. The second one is a different group of survivors who decide the safest thing is to be on a farm

somewhere because not a lot of zombies. You can look at Walking Dead and how that went. But it exists in the same universe? The first two do. They're actually connected by a phone call. It starts in a bowling alley. They figure out... Bowling again.

They figure out that this farm idea is a good idea, but none of them know how to farm. But hippies do. Right. And hippies like farms. And hippies would do all the work, so they throw a benefit concert for all the survivors of the zombie apocalypse,

figuring they'll trick all the hippies into coming out and starting the commune for them. Things go bad. Zombaroo? Yeah, that was one of the ideas thrown around in the script. They're like, zombaroos, who believes you? No. They wind up calling it October Flesh.

Very good. What about, like, Branch Davidians or something? I think they'd do pretty well, right? We're not going to live with them. They'd probably do well, but be tough to get along with. Yeah, that's true. They were, honestly, one of the big debates in the show was, do we really want to spend the rest of eternity with hippies?

It's tough. A lot of patchouli stink for the rest of your life. You get a jam band started, they might lose track of time, and you're there for days. Crunchy solos, yeah, for days. You'll be running right into the arms of the zombies at that point. What about the Amish? Did you think about the Amish?

I tend not to. You and the rest of the world. You can say whatever you want. They won't listen to this. I don't know. One of them is going to be out on Rumspringa and find us. So what's the next play? The next one,

it's going to be a musical. It's going to be about a demon who is trapped and stuck being a bartender. And it's all puppets? Well, it's going to be a demon puppet and then the rest of the cast

will probably be live action or well, you know, humangi though no cgi uh not on off off broadway budgets cool and when does this come out uh hopefully we're gonna have it up in the fall we've got to take a look i'm writing it right now working on the music with somebody else. Nice. We're still tossing around names for it. Let me try. Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark 2. Well, it's better than the Jetsons. Uh-huh.

What about cats and demons? Brook of Mormon. How about Les Miserables? It's not so miserable. It's funny. That'll be the tagline. Not so miserable. It's funny.

Porky and Besser. We could get Matt Besser in there. That's not a really big give for a Broadway show. Well, this is off-off. Okay. This is off-off. Not off-off-off. It's going to be in Rhode Island.

We're still on the island. Okay. But I think it might be off-off-off. What about Greece, but spelled like the country? You know what? With our budget, yeah. Get the confused. Get a bailout.

Demographic. Yeah. You know. Absolutely. You can dig it. Get a bailout. Demographic, you know. Absolutely. Could dig it. Absolutely. Well, Pat, it is 7.07, by the way. Don't mean to kick you out, but I know you've placed the role. I've got to get to another job. I'm also a trivia host.

I also write comic books. Pat, I said you have to go. Jesus, Pat, how are we going to be able to talk about you? I just need to get my keys. Head towards the door. Thanks for stopping by, Pat. Get on your horse and get the hell out of here. Good luck tonight.

Thanks for coming over, Pat. Thanks, man. See you, man. Come back again. So what the fuck is wrong? He would never leave. Thanks, man. See you, man. Come back again. So what the fuck? Oh, my God. I didn't know it's over that guy.

I have to... I mean... Oh, God. It's really only 615. I have to live with that guy all the time. Really?

You guys are married? All the time? Yeah. Well, not really live with him. It's more of like a custody thing. You know,

when we hang out, I just don't want to. Right. Yeah. You just... It's like you have to. Yeah,'t want to. Right. Yeah. You just force it. It's like you have to. Yeah, you have to. Right.

Because he's there. He draws you pictures all the time. You pretend to be interested. Yeah. He wants to watch Dora. You're like, ugh. Jesus Christ. It's like Babysitter.

It really is. It's like what? It's like Babysitter. It's like Babysitter. Right. It's like Shawshank Redemption. Mark Miller speaking into the microphone. How is it like the Shawshank Redemption? How is Mark Miller like the Shawshank Redemption. How is it like the Shawshank Redemption?

How's Mark Miller like the Shawshank Redemption? Yes. Okay. Mark Miller is like the Shawshank Redemption because it takes a really long time to get warmed up. Right. And... I once told him Mark Miller would take him A thousand years To get warmed up He crawled through

Three miles of shit I feel like we go back To Morgan Freeman Impressions on this show They're fun to do Dave Mustaine bashing For some reason Yeah I just don't like

Dave Mustaine He always comes off As a cock And Like just a A rude Not rude But so much

Entitled I don't know. Like he feels like he's been screwed over by the world. Like I'm so great. How much time do you spend with Dave Mustaine, Josh? Well, it's like a custody thing that we're kind of going through right now. And yeah, he's always playing. Do you have custody of Dave Mustaine?

That must be horrible. Somebody had to take him. Nobody wants him. Yeah. His mother hasn't been in his life for a while. Yeah. Really? Miss Mustaine?

Yeah. Get him up in the morning. Put him a wolf excuse me miss mustang that says a little something about dave doesn't it yeah divorced child of doors right broken home broken spirits it's weird that they made a megadeth behind the music isn't it nah they did a little way seems like a waste seems like a waste. Seems like a waste, sure. It just doesn't seem like a band they would do, you know? Yeah, it's like... Well, maybe they knew

that Dave Mustaev was such an asshole there'd be so much material to go through. Well, there's plenty of assholes. It's not a first season band, though. Were they a first season? No.

Behind the music? No, they were already on Warrant. Yeah. No, they didn't do Warrant, did they? They must have done Warrant. They did Poison and they did Rat. And they did Quiet Riot. They did Motley Crue, which is one of the best ones.

I've seen that one like 30 times in my life. And every time it gets better. I don't care what it is. I actually do like watching rock documentaries. I am exactly in the same boat as you. Yeah, I guess, I don't know. I'm a little bit discriminating. But if it's exactly in the same boat as you well yeah i guess i don't know i'm a little bit uh discriminating but if it's anything in the studio and they show them making albums for some reason i just yeah i love like all things music honestly like i'll watch a documentary on like

mary j blige or something like that i don't care yeah on netflix they have like uh greatest albums right yeah like making of the doors and like yeah they have jay-z. I've watched a bunch of those. Yeah, like making of- The Doors and like- Yeah, they have Jay-Z on there. And it's like, I'll watch that. I don't care. And there's like Tom Petty. Methods of Mayhem, I think they did. Yeah, that was a really good one.

Vanilla Vanilla was my favorite. That one is a good one. Especially because the dude, did he kill himself after Behind the Music? Yes. He did. Yeah. Was it? It probably did.

Yeah, because they interviewed both that probably pushed him over the edge yeah remember all that stuff you've been burying for years let's talk about it and put it out on tv they made him like walk on the beach and there's i know yeah yeah he has to stare longingly into the waves it's always weird like when it ends on like a not so great like today i caught the end of of the Genesis one and they're all just like, yeah, I don't think we're going to work together again. I just don't see us

making an album. Eh, it probably wouldn't be a good idea. And then it's like, ends. That's it. And credits. Doesn't Phil Collins

like have tons of nerve damage in his hands or something like that and he can't play drums anymore? I don't know. I didn't hear them mention that. He has some sort of disease where he can't play drums anymore. He literally can't play drums. Well, them mention that. He has some sort of disease where he can't play drums anymore.

He literally can't play drums. Well, it's a good thing that he can sing then. Yeah. Well, yeah. He got pretty lucky. Sounds like a Dave Mustaine situation to me, honestly. Yeah, he's made a mint out of butchering Motown. Oh, yeah, I heard about that, too.

He's done pretty bad with that. I like Phil Collins for the most part, though. Remember when he did a song? That's adult contemporary that I can get down with. He did a song with Bone Thugs-N-Harmony for some reason. Yeah, he was in the video. It was a remix of Home, I think. Yeah, they might have just sampled him, and then he's like, yeah, I'll be in the video.

Right. Yeah. Was it Foreclosed Home? Like, what was the Bone Thugs-N-Harmony take on it? We'll buy your home. I don't remember the song. We buy homes just like a flyer

on a pole. That's what Bone Thugs in Harmony is now, is a real estate. Now it's like, check out our new album, Cash for Gold. That's the three guys. Cubicles, Bone. Did you see that listing?

Harmony? You guys aren't going with me on this one. I don't think there's a member named Harmony. That's what I say. It'd be funny if that's what it was now. If it was Bone, Thugs, and Harmony. Oh, boy. Thug must be the Alvin of the group.

He's always missing. Thug. Bone. At one point, it was Bone, Thugs, Harmony. Harmony. And Nash. Thug. Bone, Thugs, Harmony, Nash. And Nash. Or Bone Thugs Harmony, Nash and Young.

That would be great if that was an actual, like, Emerson Lake Palmer, Bone Thugs and Harmony. There's certain, like, bad names that you shouldn't use just based on the fact that someone may leave. You know what I mean? Like, you know, Cros like uh you know crosby still nash and young um uh wasn't there a group called three little women at one point and then one left and they still called it three little women even though there's two i think so um i mean they call it van halen though there's only like two guys who were named actually now there's three because they replaced the bassist with Wolfgang yeah yeah yeah also guns and roses was was originally a combination of LA guns and Hollywood

Rose and then Tracy guns was the guitarist and that's why they were called that Tracy Tracy guns that's such an 80s guitar name. Leonard Skinner. What do you guys think of the Rock of Ages movie? Because that's a weird time period to gloss over with glee. I haven't seen the trailer for it, but it's Tom Cruise. He's like an 80s rock guy. He's auto-tuning like shit, though. It's insane.

Really? Yeah, it sounds so auto-tuned, too. Right. And they gave him so many compliments about his singing they're like of course they did I think whoever did it well the guys from Def Leppard came to the set and watched Tom and they were we're just here for a hot meal thank you if we knew Tom was around we would have hired him for Def Leppard. Oh, of course. The singer's like, what the fuck, man? Really? He's in the background.

What? Nothing. Oh, okay. Come on, Steve. I was watching Access Hollywood, and you guys said some pretty coarse words. That's my singing. Well, you know, the editing, really bad editing there, mate.

You know how extra it is. I mean, even the one-armed guy gave me the finger. I don't understand. My name is Ted. The one-armed guy didn't get arrested for beating up his girlfriend in an airport. Yeah, because she couldn't circle around right, I guess. Because what? She couldn't circle around to the right and just miss the arm the whole time.

Bitch had it coming. She's stupid. I don't mean to give her a self-defense class or anything, but the guy's got one arm. Right, yeah. You know, move away from the arm. I don't mean to give her a self-defense class. Just like swing around to the right side.

What could I do? What could I do? Now you look foolish. I don't need to become her sensei or anything. You're not beating me and you look foolish. Now stop it. We are in an airport. Doing like the three stooges move.

Just has her hand on his head. Stop. Settle. Pokes him in the eyes. He tries to block with the other arm. But anyway, this Rock of Ages movie, do you have a good... I get such a bad vibe about it. I don't think it's a...

It's like late... Like what? Late 80s? No, no. I don't know. Mid-80s rock. I haven't seen the trailer. I've only heard.

Well, they ruin everything. Everything you like about a song, it's like, man. Everything that we liked about synthy power ballads from 1987, they're ruined. They're ruined. It's like a weird thing to defend. Those monsters. I mean, it was garbage at the time, and I'm still like, no, but it's our garbage. Right, yeah.

It's shiny and beautiful and wonderful. No, I mean, when I first, I think I saw a blur, but it's our garbage. Right, yeah. It's shiny and beautiful and wonderful. No, I mean, you know, when I first, I think I saw a blurb about it in Rolling Stone and I actually kind of thought it might be fun because, you know, that's kind of a fun era to, you know, have fun with. Fun, fun, fun. Yeah, well, that's what Mark Wahlberg thought

when he made that other. I liked that. Really? You like Rockstar? I don't recall it being that great of a movie, but like a behind the music episode, I thought it was other I liked that. Really? You like Rockstar? I don't recall it being that great of a movie, but like a behind-the-music episode, I thought it was,

I liked it. I can't watch it because McNulty's in it, and I just think it's McNulty. Who the hell's McNulty? The dude from Dominic West, the guy from The Wire. So I keep thinking,

he's like, I don't know if he's the, he's not the lead singer, he's like the guitarist or something like that. He's in the movie. He's in the band. He has really bad tattoos. Yeah, I He's like, I don't know if he's the, he's not the lead singer. He's like the guitarist or something like that. Oh yeah, he's in the band. He has like really bad tattoos

and stuff. Yeah, just like. Is he in the real, the real rock band or the band, the cover band that he comes from?

He's in the real band that Mark Wahlberg joins. Because I think he's the one who does the thing like in every band movie where he goes, you got the stuff. Yeah.

You know that bullshit? He plays his solo. Bloop, bloop, bloop got the stuff. Yeah. You know that bullshit? He plays his solo. There's always that guy who's like working the board going, this guy is shit. Yeah. We're not going to do

another take. Give him a chance. One more. One more. One more. That's in every movie. Every movie. Where he's just like,

give him like seven more. Seven more. Seven more tries. Andy Dufresne had the stuff. The best one ever is the one in The Jazz Singer, Neil Diamond's movie in 1980. I never saw it. Well, nobody's seen it.

Not even Neil Diamond? It's been lost to history, yeah. I don't think Neil Diamond, because he does blackface in it. He's in blackface in the first ten minutes of the movie. He knows his black band, and he wants to sing more up-tempo soul stuff. But his dad's a rabbi, and he's played by... I forget. But it's a big actor.

Jerry Lewis. But his dad's a rabbi. He's supposed to become a rabbi. But no, he wants to sing songs, man. And the only way to do that is to paint himself black. And it's a ridiculous black, too. It's like, literally like... Does blackface ever not look ridiculous, though?

I know. Whenever you're ever like, that was a good job on that blackface. Who was the makeup artist? I didn't mind the Tropic Thunder. You're telling me that was the CGI. Yeah, that's true. He didn't look bad. But it's pretty noticeable. White chicks really horrified me when I saw white chicks. Jesus Christ, that was bad.

The chicks in the movie. I never saw it. Yeah, I remember when it came out. I've seen some of it. But yeah, they just look like powder. They don't look white at all. And they gave them blue contact lenses, so they look really bizarre. They look like Japanese people trying to look like hot blondes.

But they're like built like linebackers. Like nobody would be like, oh, hey, Cheryl. Like six foot five. So it didn't have the realism of the little man is what you're saying. No, it was completely the same. The first swing and a miss for the Weyans. Was it? Yeah, the very first and only.

Low down, dirty shave. A dark, knocked it out of our park. Keep going. All right, Blank Man. Blank Man was good. Yeah. Meteor Man. Great movie man.

The Glimmer Man with Keenan Ivory Wayans. Major Pain. Well, I don't think those are weigh-ins affiliated. Oh, that's Damon. It's a big family man. Yeah, it's Damon Wayans? Major Pain? Well, I don't think those are Wayans affiliated. Oh, that's Damon. It's a big family, man. You better cast a wine now. Hey, they're good. Also, that shitty dance movie they did was good.

They did some... Oh, the parody of Step Into? Yes, and some chick has a baby on the dance floor, and they're like, wow, that's silly. Yeah. What about... They did the scary movies, didn't they?

Those were pretty good. They did the first like three or something like that. Those were funny. Then the Zucker Brothers took it over. The later 16, not as strong.

Right. How many scary movies are we up to now? Five. Five. Okay. Yeah. I think I saw the last one

in the theater, weirdly. Really? I think so. Why? I don't remember, but I think I saw it. I had a girlfriend. We used to just go to the movies every weekend and we'd see like,

whatever. I remember seeing that stupid, like anger management movie or whatever with Billy Bob Thornton. I'd rather be in a suicide pack with a girl. What's scary movie? At least I'd be like, at least I know this is going to end. You and me.

Wow. That's pretty hyperbolic for Scary Movie 5. But they made fun of the ring. Come on. Yeah, well. What are you doing? Like I said. They've had a couple swing and a miss.

Yeah. Here and there. A couple swings and misses. Hey, Babe Ruth struck out 300,000 times in his life. Really? I don't know. Like 3,000 times or something. Quarter of a billion times. We're not even counting the brothels.

Oh! Babe Ruth is standing right behind you. Oh, shit. Does he look like John Goodman? A little bit. My friend said she like John Goodman? A little bit. Oh, man. A little bit. My friend said she saw John Goodman

in a Whole Foods somewhere. Yeah? Yeah. I doubt that. Was he devouring the whole salad bar? He walked out immediately. It's like seeing a grizzly. It's like, holy shit.

He just wanders in. Like a deer in the headlights. There's just a guy who follows him that pays for everything he eats, but he just grazes supermarkets. They wait until animal control shows up and shrink it. Can I actually drive into the can of peanuts? My dad said he was kind of a jerk when he worked with him.

What, John Goodman? Yeah. What did he work with him on? Heaven Almighty, the greatest film ever made. Oh, yes. How long was his blood sugar? Well, he might have been upset because he hadn't had breakfast yet.

Yeah. Probably what he ate. No, my dad didn't have the things that you check the blood sugar with. What's a crazy experience your dad ever had on a movie? Because he's done like 100 movies, right? 150.

Holy shit. No, I'm just kidding. He's been an extra. About half more than you said. Yeah. He's been in like five or six, maybe. Maybe seven or eight. He's done a few commercials. Really? Yeah, like local. Like Rosetta Stone.

Because that's in Harrisonburg. Was he the before or after? The before or after? Was he like, deal. Now I can speak Polish. I burn so many calories.

Rosetta Stone. Now I know how to order a burrito at Taco Bell. Now that I speak Italian-o, I know how to avoid processed foods. Spicy meatball. Rosetta Stone. Thumbs up. Yeah, what is his, any crazy stories? Dish.

Who's a jerk? Yeah, like a few weird ones like Tommy Lee Jones being, I think, kind of drunk and confused. I think he would fall asleep between takes. He wasn't even – My dad had to help him mail a package or something. He found him wandering in the halls of whatever congressional building they were filming for the Lincoln thing. He was kind of like, can I help you? He was like, yeah, I need to

mail this package. My dad had to help him. It was a severed head. Can you help me out? Me and Rip Torn have a competition. We send each other severed heads. Ain't been caught yet. And he has stories

of sneaking into the places where he's stories of like sneaking into like the the places where he's not supposed to go for all the a-list actors and eating their food whatnot oh yeah I hear that's a thing and with Broadway as well there's a bunch of secret right Broadway yeah speak easy like places uh-huh where they go so they go I can't be bothered. Right. But I think if you just act like you know what you're doing, then you can just walk in.

Yeah, because they don't, well, they have like the velvet rope thing where they cut off part of a club, and then that part has a part, and then there's the other part. It's like a Mobius strip. It's awesome. Sound like you're in the know.

You been to a few of these patties? I have not. I've only read everything from Us Weekly, and I've created some sort of a template on what my celebrity experience will be. Have you ever met anybody famous? Besides Pat Stork? Besides Pat Stork.

Yeah, I'm trying to think. Mostly just people in bands. I don't think I've ever met any actors. You met someone from Veep recently didn't you oh yeah Tony Hale in a Whole Foods apparently all these actors Whole Foods magnets yeah Tony Hale the

buster from Arrested Development was in the Whole Foods and he was nice he was shopping in the VIP section of Whole Foods there's a little yeah yeah rope around everything's like way organic over there like you think you've had organic food oh no you have no idea it grows in quite frankly I think you have some nerve to suggest that you have this is true life they hollow out your

tea you think you know plant it in your teeth they put little figs alfalfa sprouts grow from your molars it's like an alien you form a salad yeah they have a face hugger

yeah that drops a seed into your stomach it's a it's a Prometheus shopping right they just put an alien on your face

yeah Prometheus smart I've not seen that so wait hold on why do you ask if I've met seen that. So wait, hold on. Why do you ask if I've met anyone famous? I just wanted to know what your experience was. Because a lot of people, when you meet a famous person,

you get... I get weird. I shut down. It is weird. Because I can't separate the two. I'm a full-grown adult. Right, no, I'm the same way. And it's almost kind of euphoric, too.

Like, wow, I'm in touch with all this power they do have an air about themselves like even like judah friedlander like not like an air like i'm better than you but you can kind of like there's an aura of like drive around that person like you can see why they have you know where they're at like there's a little bit of charisma i don't know if the people that i've met i i have you know have seemed like normal people for the most part. No, no, no. He seems normal, but you can just, like, there's an air about them. They're like, okay, this guy obviously has drive. Have you ever met somebody where you're like, oh, okay, they obviously have, like, a magnetic personality?

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. But he was super nice. So that's probably the most recent famous person. I mean, he's on 30 Rock, which is pretty big. But it's like, have you ever been disappointed by a celebrity? You met,

I've never met like a celebrity asshole or seen somebody. Yeah. When I waited, I waited on, um, uh, Sean Aston from Rudy and whatnot. Yeah.

Oh yeah. He was really, really nice, but they kind of like wouldn't leave while we were closing. And I didn't want to ask him to because I was going to try to get him to come see us do improv. And then he just left kind of a crappy tip. Oh, really? But he was extremely nice.

Yeah, I heard when David Tell was at Paper Moon, he left a really good $100. Uncle Phil was there, too. Really? Yeah, years ago. Yeah, with left like $100. Uncle Phil was there, too. Really? Yeah, years ago. Yeah, with his partner. I was backstage at a play with John Ashton, his father. Yeah, I talked to him pretty regularly. He teaches at Hopkins, right?

That's why I talked to him last week. I don't know if he remembers this, but he was doing the tour of Poe. Like he was doing where he was all in the get-up. And we got a memo that said don't look at him. He wants the full Don Henley treatment. Don't stare at his eyes or anything because he's in character.

As soon as he comes out of that stage, just lead him to where he's got to go, give him his water, and then go. And he had to be at a drum set the entire time. Yeah. Full Don Henley. Full Don Henley. I got it. He went right into boys of summer yeah so he's wheeling a drum setter it's completely dark it's filled with smoke because we're trying to create the ambience it's yeah smoke and it's dark

and I watch him just walk slowly as Poe into a beam and he goes and there's like a trickle of blood and he turns around does not break character and just starts walking slowly back again yeah and his management came out and was like you gotta glow tape every fucking thing back here it better look

like you know the set of Ghostbusters like we had like arrows and don't touch this. Everything was reflective tape. This is a wall. Don't run into me. He's like 100 years old. He's really old. He's like

82, 83 right now, I think. Loved him on Night Court, though. Was he on Night Court? Yeah. Who did he play on Night Court? He played this crazy guy who always had a fishbowl. Bull? Bull? Is that what you're talking about? Bull.

He had a glass figurine of Bull. I like that. Yeah. I talked to him last week about improv. He told me that he knew Del Close. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah.

I would love to have even met Del Close. Now, that's somebody I think would be an asshole to you. Yeah, I to even like Matt DelClos. Now that's somebody I think would be an asshole to you. Yeah, I've heard he's a crazy. Like a notorious asshole. Yeah, but I think he was trying to push you though. Right. Well, yeah, maybe not asshole, but a person that had no filter or reservations. You know what I mean?

He kind of sounded like an asshole. Sure. Yeah, people get away with it. Like, hey, I just tell it like it is. Like, well, you can also not say things. You don't have to always be a dick. People in positions of power. Like, I don't even think it's a celebrity thing, but, like, people.

Like, how many bosses have you had that are just total assholes? Yeah. A few. I feel like it's almost, like, the majority. Or at least to a level that's unacceptable or would be in other interactions. You know what I mean? Not that I've had... Most pulses that I've worked for are cool for the most part,

but they'll have tendencies where I'm just like, Jesus Christ, you know what I mean? I feel like just a little bit of power can do that to people. Yeah, I've had people like that at work. My old team leader, she would make me write emails for her while she did nothing. Like, can you draft me an email about this?

Do you have to take dictation? It wasn't dictation. It was like if we had a meeting or she would just... She wouldn't be like red, but not dictated. It would just be like... I'll stop. Stop.

She means you write threatening letters to the government. If you'd like to contact me, contact Josh Koderna. Like the Unabomber? You're writing all her personal emails, too. And her manifesto about technology. I want to take off your... I'll stop. Dungarees.

You got a D in geometry. You are not allowed TV privileges but yeah signed me i would get shit like that all the time it's like you get an email about fixing the draft email it's like well you should have had a comma here at a period take out this like in the time that you sent me the email with that shit you could have fucking done it and then just sent it yourself right yeah one of my bosses she sent me an email she's like, you could have fucking done it and then just sent it yourself. One of my bosses, she sent me an email. She's like, the print range is all messed up

on this Excel file. Can you fix it? Because when I print it, I print like six pages. It's like, you fixed the print range instead of wasting my time. Like that type of shit

I've run into. But yeah, nobody that's been like a real dick or anything. I think it's just out of touch older people. Has anybody ever sent you something they wrote, but you're obsessed with the fact that there's so many mistakes in it that you don't read it really?

Yeah. Yeah. It's like, how could this happen? Like, did you read this at all? Are you just sending me the shit draft? Like, what am I supposed to do? I feel like with text, I kind of don't. My phone's

kind of weird where buttons stick and letters will repeat and stuff. I kind of don't really give a shit. I try to be as punctual as possible in text messages though, like with commas and periods. Really? Yeah. Wow. I don't care about capital letters. Really? Yeah. I try

at least. I mean, an email, maybe. But, I mean, a text is just so, like, you know. I don't know. Bang, bang. I don't know. I kind of agonize over Grammick, you know. Grammick? Grammickly, correct.

I'm David Mustaine. You got kicked out of Grammick 30 years ago. I got kicked out of Grammick. Kelsey Grammick. Grammica. The Kelsey Grammick Tribute Band. The Kelsey Grammick Tribute Band Kelsey Grammick Kelsey Grammick We just do lines from Frasier Toss salad and scrambled eggs

Toss salad and scrambled eggs That was the Frasier theme That was the Frasier theme? It was that It was just some guy tossing a salad And scrambled eggs You're not familiar with the Oh I'm thinking of the prison thing Where you eat a guy's asshole with jam.

With the jelly or something. Yeah, and then the scrambled eggs, this fecal matter, and baby powder that mixes. On his balls. Yeah, and then you stand in front of a fan, and then it scrambles into your mouth. You're looking at me like you don't know, but I know what you're into. I've never watched Frasier. That's what it is. I'm just nodding like I know.

I'm not getting your porn references because I've never watched Frasier. That's what it is. I'm just nodding like I know. I'm not getting your porn references because I've never watched Frasier. No, I never watched it either. But the beginning was like a scat thing. And it was really kind of pretentious and obnoxious. It was like, we're intelligent. Yeah, Kelsey Grammer sang it. This is NPR gone sitcom. Listen to that cello.

Isn't he the most conservative dick ever? I'm pretty sure he's ultra-liberal. No, he's very conservative. He's one of the only conservative guys, like John Boyd. John Boyd's mega nuts, though. Did I tell you that John Boyd story? My friend dated him. What?

I had a friend who dated John Boyd. You know Angelina Jolie's mom? No, I do not. Oh, okay. But I know a blonde who dated John Boyd. You know Angelina Jolie's mom? No, I do not. Oh, okay. But I know a blonde who lived in California in her 20s who dated John Boyd for three weeks. You know Mike Moran's mom? I do.

Okay. Mrs. Mustaine. Mrs. Mustaine. Ms. Mustaine. Ms. Mustaine. She's always wearing her widow's shaded hat. What if Dave Mustaine was on a sitcom and it was That's Mustaine? That's Mustaine.

All right, we'll work on it. He just points at it. Nothing's done. Hands on the hip. Who ate my cereal? How am I going to date them both on the same night? Don't you think it'd be funny? I thought of this the other day.

I'm late for work. You know the old sitcom vehicle where you had to be doing two things at once, you know, and like running from room to room. You're pretending to date one girl while you're on a date. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Going in the bathroom, changing your hair. Right, right, exactly.

What if we did that but with intercourse? Like you're having sex with two different people at once and you have to run from room to room and find excuses.

You're going to need... I think it could work. Are we talking about guys and guys and chicks? Like one guy going from woman to woman. Now, how are... What are you doing

in the interim? Are you like, hey, I'll be right back? Yeah, exactly. You have to give yourself some complications. I think interim? Are you like, hey, I'll be right back? Yeah, exactly. You have to give yourself some complications. Oh, crap, I think I left the oven on or something. I'll be right back. Or like, oh, I should go clean off my testicles.

They're kind of grimy. I'll be right back. The women aren't hearing each other at all. Well, that's part of the fun and the wackiness is that you have to conceal all that. You have to create a complication for yourself. She likes raw dog. She doesn't. Right. Well, that's when you mix it up.

That's when you mix it up. You have to make some noise like, just getting you some tea. Tea noises? Like you're clanking with the glasses. What was that noise? Oh, I just hurt myself, that's all. I stubbed my toe.

The remaking of Three's Company on the Spice Network. Porn parodies. Did you guys ever watch the Spice Network? Blurry? Yeah, with it all fuzzed out. And then you'd switch to channel, and for like a second you'd get like this. Hologram of a person. Right. You'd be like, oh channel and for like a second you'd get like this hologram of a person right yeah that was like the best you would get all night that was a tit ghost boob

yeah still there fading fading still good still good it's gone i remember like those shitty like uhf radios like you could yeah you could like turn them up real high and listen to like cell phone conversations really oh yeah i picked up uh i think a radio station on my amp the other day my guitar amp i think it's because i'm so close to the 98 rock tower now anyway go on with your story well no i mean i just heard like dumb shit like people going you did you get your chicken all right no no no i don't want any just get some for yourself and you masturbated to that? Yeah. And for a second, you see a holographic boob.

Then a hologram boob. Ooh. That's going to be the new thing at Coachella next year. The newest thing in Japanese horror. Giant hologram boobs that have octopus tentacles for some reason. There's a reason. We all know why. Yeah, don't bullshit.

Yeah, you know, they can't show insertion. I don't think they can show genitals either. They can show tentacles. They can show cartoon insertion. Yeah, but they can't show, like, human insertion. But why would that have anything to do with tentacles? Because it always ends up in some weird like animal type thing but that's only in cartoon porn right there aren't tentacles in real life porn there is there oh yeah oh really they put an octopus head on no yeah no I hope he's

that'd be great to screen out like people doing interviews on Japanese TV shows they have to be in front of the crotches of two people fucking. We must keep my identity secret. They keep it people's identity secret, change their voice modulator and it's just like two people fucking just used a blur. Guy just jerking off on a guy's face. It's blurred out. The things we do to disguise our identity. The Fukuyama disaster could have totally been prevented. Actually, that's how the Bukkake was birthed, I believe, was because they had to find creative ways to stimulate viewers without showing intercourse. That is a lot of stimulation.

Guys, hear me out. An entire champagne fluid. What if we get 50 guys that come on a chick's face, huh? That's a way around it. Do you even work here? Homeless guy knocking on the window. All I gotta say is, 50 guys? When does it get humiliating?

Could you imagine the ensuing court battle? Like, no, I came up with the bukkake. That idea was stolen from me at a board meeting. Your Honor, Ted Bukkake versus the state. People versus Larry Flint. I did it first.

I fucking said, come all over my face. That's a good Larry Flint. That's the only impression I could do. You could probably also do the guy from Silence of the Lambs. That's close. That's good. Like a big fat girl. You hold me with this couch?

Tell Mike to put the lotion in the basket. Put the lotion in the basket. There it is. It's good. You don't know what pain is. To say it fairly. Alright, now tell Mike to do his homework. Do your homework. I got your fucking dog.

Give me back my progress. Give me back my progress. Give me back my progress. I got a card back here. You know, I just wait around. My living room. How the hell did that basement fit under that house? I have no clue. It's like an enormous labyrinth.

It was great. They had me in the realism until then. You know? Took me right out of it. Wait, you've never seen a pit in a basement? I have, but I haven't seen a basement that massive underneath a tiny house. Maybe it was a part of the Underground Railroad.

Huh? What about that? Of what? Michigan? Yep. That's a pretty... It's close to Canada. Pretty up there.

Close to Canada. That's where they were all going, John. I don't think the Underground Railroad kind of just... You know, that got you to like the Northern States, right? They didn't have to take you all the way to Canada. It would take you to Canada. Really? Yeah.

Next stop, Canada. Yeah. Just like that. First, we're going to stay in this dank pit. Right. Next stop, Canada. Although, really, why would they have just like two guards watching Hannibal and nobody else around? Like, that's a really good idea.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Like, let's not check out them for hours. Why the fuck did they cage him at, like, what seemed to be a municipal, like, museum or something? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Where was, yeah, the cage, too. It's like, WWF just rolled through.

They'll leave the cage. That works. Like, where did they find that cage? Those are just around in museums. Have you guys ever saw the prequel, Hannibal Rising? I've seen all of them. I saw Hannibal Rising, I think, in the theater. And I believe that's the only time I've seen it.

It's pretty awful. Yeah, it was pretty awful. But I remember it vividly because I saw it on St. Patrick's Day. And my friend had to put down her cat. And she said, I just need something to make me forget this. Let's just go to a movie. Let's go to Hannibal. Oh, my God.

She was laughing so fucking hard at Hannibal Rising. Right. Just like how ridiculous it was. And she just had this weird, like, euphoric laugh about it. Yeah. That's really an example of a movie series just really going, know down as far as you can go yeah well without Anthony Hopkins because he wasn't in Hannibal Rising was he he was Hannibal yeah yeah that was pretty bad yeah at least that was like he was really attempted to kind of fat in it

too I remember yeah yeah like he's well he's even a lot of people since he got out yeah yeah it was weird when they tried to do Red Dragon, and they're supposed to show him when he's younger. We'll just dye his hair brown, but his roots were showing. They gave him a ponytail at the beginning. Yeah, exactly. How are they going to make The Hobbit make Ian McKellen not look like he's thousands of years old?

Well, they can use CGI to de-age someone. They did that in X-Men. They did that in Tron, too, but I didn't see it. Yeah, but Tron looked bizarre, though. It didn't even look like Jeff in Tron, too. But I didn't see it. Yeah, but Tron looked bizarre, though. It didn't even look like Jeff Bridges. Really? Yeah, I didn't see it. It looked like this weird doll man. It looked like a

pudgy... Jeff Bridges was attacked by bees. So you're saying there's a chance I could sell my script called Doll Man about Jeff Bridges when he gets stung by bees. He'll be played by Bo Bridges. It'll be Bo Bridges. That's his younger self. Burning Bo Bridges. Bo Better Bridges when he gets stung by bees. He'll be played by Bo Bridges. It'll be Bo Bridges. That's his younger self. Burning Bo Bridges.

Bo Better Bridges. And then he did P90X and turned into Jeff Bridges. You know, for a long time they were going to do a prequel to Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction called The Vega Brothers with John Travolta. Yeah, they were. And who? Michael Madsen. Okay.

Oh, that was a Vega? Yeah, he was a Vega. Mr. Blonde was a Vega. I did not know that. I like that. I think it was just like one of those little things they threw in there just to make it fun. Did you guys see the trailer for Django Unchained? Did you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't look good. Really? I don't think so. I think it looks a little too goofy. I saw a poster art. I have not seen the trailer. Well, here's the thing.

It's like if you're looking for realism in a spaghetti western. I'm not. But from the description of it, I thought it was going to be a little more serious. I mean, I know that Tarantino, a lot of his stuff is comical. But, I mean, Reservoir Dogs is still pretty serious but comical at the same time. He is pretty good with going from the absolutely over the top absurd to not necessarily realism but like connecting

with you on like an uncorny way. You know what I mean? Yeah. Making it believable. Well I don't know about believable. Sure. Some of them. But not like Kill Bill. When she's cutting heads off and they're all spraying blood like a fountain.

Right. But even in that, he's able to make characters that you could feel sympathetic towards and could relate to, even though the whole thing is over the top and ridiculous. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like this backlash since he did Death Proof, everybody's like, fuck you. I love Death Proof. I thought it was pretty good. I thought it was awesome. Really?

Yeah, I saw it in the theater. I was kind of disappointed by it. The dialogue parts. Yeah, he was just kind of showing off for a while, like when they're sitting at the table and stuff. But when that chick was on the car, she actually had to do that. That was the first time in a long time that a movie like that has really made me feel suspenseful.

Yeah, I was like, just pull over. Pull. It would all end if you just pulled over. Yeah, but he would kill them then. Yeah, but he would have to, like, turn around. Like, they could have got away or somewhere, like, stopped. He didn't have a gun or anything. He was just going to try to ram them off the road.

That was a great concept for a movie, though. Oh, it was fucking insane. Like, they just, and I like the two-partedness of it. Yeah. Oh, you saw it as Grindhouse. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I saw it as Grindhouse, too. I mean, like, how how first it was the first act was kind of like him murdering these people with his car oh and that was awesome too yeah yeah i like i liked how it was like you know those were the

two aspects of it i would have started it with death proof and then did planet terror because planet terror was like off the hood really i i thought that was kind of lame honestly yeah it was a little it was like a one trick pony a little too... It was like a one-trick pony. I liked some of it. I thought Josh Brolin was good. He's always good. Is there any bad Josh Brolins? Am I B3? I haven't seen it, but he's probably decent in that, too. He does a pretty good Tommy Lee Jones. He looks just like a young Tommy Lee Jones, almost, which is weird.

It's weird that he's playing a young Tommy Lee Jones, because he seems like he's just a few years younger. He's probably a good 20. Yeah, I hear the movie like, how old are you? He's like, I'm 29. Really? Yeah. The movie's supposed to be 29 years old. He's younger than me. Yeah, exactly. It's so weird. Tommy Lee Jones always look like that. Yeah.

Never ever look young. I'm never going to look like that. That guy just looked like a dude, like a man's man probably since he was 12. Grew mutton chops instantaneously. He looks like a weathered baseball glove. Yeah, and I struggle. I grow pubes out of my face.

There's no way I'll be able to grow a beard. You do better than me. No. I guarantee you. You know it's all sun damage, right? It has nothing to do with anything. If you just went horse riding for like a year and a half. You think that's what I need to do?

Yeah, you get wrinkled as shit. Well, not just the wrinkles. I mean, I don't know. You want the lines. He's got that tough face. Fleshy body. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think most celebrities kind of have that body type, like the strong, naturally muscular look. Like Danny DeVito? Like Paul Giamatti. Even people that we... I was watching Capote last night, and I'm thinking to myself, everybody thinks of Philip Seymour Hoffman as this awkward, ugly guy, but he's TV ugly.

I bet if he was skinny and you saw him in real life, you'd probably think he was really good looking. I think he would be, if he was like skinny and you saw him in real life, you'd probably think he was really good looking. I think he's handsome. If he took off his shirt, he looks like a white kitchen trash bag filled with tapioca pudding. With cat hair all over it? With cat hair all over it.

Yeah, and standing downwind from the powdered ball guy. The powdered ball guy. That's what gives him more of his white sheen. Uh-huh. Yeah. White sheen, my favorite sheen brother,

by the way. There's a particular doughy in Hollywood that works. A doughy in Hollywood. There's a doughiness. But it's really probably because they have

like nice bodies in real life. Yeah. And a little bit of doughiness on top of it doesn't. I never thought of Philip Seymour Hoffman like,

I need to work out in between these films because. Yeah. He always looks like thought of Philip Seymour Hoffman like, I need to work out in between these films because he always looks like he let himself go. You see him like paparazzi pictures and he looks like he woke up in the back of a van and he decided to get a Fappuccino. Right. That's for his new movie, Van Man.

His new movie about Juul. Philip Seymour Hoff often as Jewel. These foolish gays. With music by Sarah McLachlan. Oh, Jewel is getting her teeth fixed because she's going to play Rosanna Cash in a movie. Yeah, Johnny Cash. Well, that'll be really original 10 years ago.

Yeah. Another Johnny Cash movie? Yeah, and she's going to get her teeth fixed for it. Wow. That's what prompted her? Yeah. It's like such a weird excuse to get your teeth fixed. I know.

Why didn't you do that a long time ago? I produced this movie to play someone else to get my teeth fixed. Can't they just give her fake teeth to put on? What, like Ben Affleck? Does he wear fake teeth? Yeah, he has fake teeth. What? Yeah.

Veneers? They got them for Armageddon because he used to have fucked up little bit. Really? Yeah. That's what I need to get in a major motion picture and then I'll get my teeth fixed. So that's what's stopping me? Yeah. You just have to start or produce a major motion picture to get your teeth fixed.

I think I like people having slightly off teeth. I think I like your dental scheme. I'm going to need to get those fixed at some point. It sounds really ridiculous. Yeah, mine are on the verge of that, though. No, I think I like yours. See, in Hollywood, they would be like, you know what you'd be perfect for?

You're the gas station attendant who tells the kids that it's not a good idea to go to the cabin. Oh, thank you, Ryan. And then you walk back inside. Hey, y'all. And then I just keep licking my teeth. That cabin in the woods is haunted.

Well, see ya. Okay, I gotta go. All right. Ominous warning. You're the guy who tries to feed the hero to the alligators on the swamp boat. I try. Yeah, you try, and then he hits you with a battle, and then you get eaten. It's like you picture me in overalls or a onesie all the time already.

That's what I'm saying. I can see Josh playing that role. Listen, you, sir, you're the real deal, but your teeth are here. But my what? I have fucked up teeth, too. I got the hillbilly thing. I know it. I smell our own. I don't have fucked up teeth too. I got the hillbilly thing. I know it. I smell her up.

I don't have to see your teeth. I smell your fucked up teeth. I can't see it because the microphone's there. I think when the girls have the vampire teeth. The canines. I think that turns me on. Yeah, that's kind of cute. Girls with an overbite.

What's her face has that? What's her teeth? She's in Spider-Man. Kristen, yeah, exactly. Yeah, she's got the wolf tooth. I think I like messed up teeth. Yeah. A little bit.

Right, yeah, unless it's something insane. What about people that have way too perfect teeth? That's scary. That's creepy. And I feel like they show them off more. They're like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. They laugh.

Like that guy in Batman batman begins the bad guy what's his name scarecrow perfect teeth oh uh cillian murphy he would never be as creepy as he is if he didn't have perfect teeth am i right yeah because he looks like this weird male model yeah he's like a robot kind of like yeah you know he's got weird eyes too ones you can just get lost in am I right? he does thought I was the only one alright

now that Cillian Murphy's been mentioned let's wrap it up John what's the worst celebrity you've ever met? one time I bumped into Malcolm McDowell in a hotel lobby, and I didn't know who it was. I just saw this guy, this thing blur with a hoodie.

This gray blur. And I said, hey, old lady. And I turned around, and it was Malcolm McDowell. And then I looked off, and I was like, who said that to Malcolm McDowell? And then he had you decapitated in the stadium. No, that's me as my worst in front of a celebrity. But the worst celebrity I ever saw was Andy Dick.

Oh. At South by Southwest. Did he sexually accost you? No, he sexually accosted several people on stage. He sexually accosted people who were asking questions at his Q&A. And I just remember this handicapped person grabbed the mic and Andy just decided to throw the Q&A out. He was completely high on pills.

Threw the Q&A out, said no more questions and then he just said, we're just going to do some improvisation and didn't tell the other actors. Started grabbing actors and was like, alright, here's the scene. Somebody give us a color. And we're like, what the fuck is going on? Black out.

And this one guy was so pissed off, but he had MS or something. He grabbed the mic and he was just curled up. He was part of MS-13. He was MS-13. He was a gangbanger. I watched The Shield. Cryptle. He's a Cryptle.

Thank you. And he had the mic in his hand. I'll add applause later. And he goes Andy Dick I'm gonna eat your face and Andy just sobered up

like in five seconds like couldn't believe this guy like he's got called out by a guy with MS in a chair and says

I was gonna fucking beat the shit out of you Jesus Christ and Andy got challenged by this handicapped guy and my friend

just fell over just laughing. But I was like, this is a goddamn train wreck. The worst treatment I ever saw of a celebrity is Henry Rollins at South by Southwest did an interview, but they put him in a Lily Tomlin chair so his feet were dangling. It was hard to take anything he said seriously. Like, I go visit the troops. Do you go visit the troops?

It's like, shut up, little tiger man. Or his feet dangling. That is a good dichotomy there. Henry in Wonderland. Henry in Wonderland, yeah. I don't know. I've never met any celebrities, really, because I'm too scared and I run away from them.

Why are you scared? I don't know. I had a chance to meet David Cross and I just ran away. He seems like he can be a dick. I saw Todd Berry on the street in New York last time I was there. Wow. He was just walking by and I was like, that's Todd Berry. He looks very Todd Berry-like.

He looks Berry. He just looked kind of disgruntled and unhappy. Todd Crunchberry. Mm-hmm. Mm-like. He looked Berry. He just looked kind of disgruntled and unhappy. Todd Crunchberry. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. He looks like the drawing of a leprechaun. Yeah, a little.

He looks like an aging leprechaun. Doesn't he? He's kind of retired. He's had enough. He works at the Gap now. Yeah, think about that. He's just giving gold away all the time.

He never gets... Nobody ever brings him gold. You know? They just take, take, take. Tell stories about the glory days on the Strip in LA. I was hanging out with Sinatra. There I am in the Rainbow Club. Or whatever it is on the...

Fuck, what is it called? They used to mention it all the time in all the behind the music. The Sunset Strip. Yeah, but it was like the Rainbow Room. There's the Rainbow Room. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. We were playing the whiskey. Is itset Strip. Yeah, but it was like the rainbow room. There's a rainbow room. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. We were playing the whiskey. Is it?

There might be two. No, you're right. They're always like, people were having sex in the dumpster. They were having sex in the alley. They were coming through the windows. Having sex. Northern Coke out of hookers' buttholes. That's always like completely insane. I hope David Lee Roth is the buttholes. That's always completely insane.

I hope David Lee Roth is the last one alive and they record everything he says and they put it in a tome and we remember it as that is the history of the 80s right there. Let's send it to space for aliens to interact with. My friend saw David Lee Roth

on the tour he did with Sammy Hagar. I think he went with his parents or something. And David Lee Roth was trying to flirt with all the cougars in the front row. And he did his patented jump kick and he kneed himself in the head. Oh, man, that's funny. Have you ever heard Running with the Devil, the apocalyptic version? The acapella? Yeah, yeah.

Have you heard that one? There's a soundboard that's uh is that running with the yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'll put it at the end of this episode it is so funny because it's just his nonsensical randy's god damn baby oh yeah oh wait are you talking about about a version of it without instruments? The acapella version. Oh, I thought you meant like an acapella group. It sounds like a lunatic.

Just talking. No, it's just David Lee Ross. Nice. Vocal track. Isolated. I take the simple life. It's so simple. Why do people think that Van Halen was like the greatest group that ever existed?

I always thought they were kind of sucky Well they had Double bass Which is amazing The fucking Hot for Teacher Hot for Teacher Was an awesome album

I mean They seemed like A very well You know Like good musicians Who work well Yeah Eddie Van Halen Pretty much

He made finger tapping I don't listen to those songs And think like Those are great Classic rock songs Think about like In the 80s Like that had to be

the shit why is that any better than like Def Leppard or like Bon Jovi well Def Leppard's more pop I mean Van Halen's

like fun yeah and they started as like more rock you know I don't know I guess they went a little more poppy but the drums

and the guitar when they started putting a lot of synth in it and then it was like Sammy Hagar that was like off the rails even though I

do like jump I mean it's just no but but when it was like right now I can't think of right now that thinking of crystal fucking pepsi yeah I just think of crystal pepsi to me though the only real Van Halen is Gary Sharon era I like really that's why I hate more than words because it ends three times and you think it's over and then it's like nope more than it's not over it's like a uh marvel movie it's like a karaoke water torture more than words right carrie fisher water Fisher, water torture. Is that what you said? Yeah, that's on you. Dress somebody up like Princess Leia.

Did you ever confuse the extreme guys with the Nelson guys? Yes. All the time. If it wasn't for blonde or brunettes. Right. Weird masturbating experience. If I had a black and white TV, I'd totally always. Yeah, exactly.

It's just dark in there. Just watching a black and white TV. Is that them Nelson boys? All right. They look like Edgar Winner. They were weird looking. And they always had blouses. They had like those silk blouses.

Oh, yeah, and it looked like they ironed their hair, right? They were like twins, right? And they kind of had that weird part to the side. Stephanie Tanner had a poster of them on her wall. Oh. What was the song they sang? Something of affection. They were like, we're not even going to try and be rock.

We're just going to do power ballads and look good. I remember they had this love and affection, something like that. I don't remember what it was. I only remember after. They were the kids of Rick Nelson. Right right i mean they were gonna suck yeah who's rick nelson he's saying uh what was it now wake up little suzy um um the wanderer or something like that he's some like cheesy singer like he was he was on the show um ozzy and harriet and rick nelson was his son and he sang a bunch of like covers of every

song like he did blowing in the wind and shit like really yeah but he was like a branson missouri guy he was just like this crappy 50s is there going to be a fourth generation of nelson's yeah there'll be the horatio nelson's there will be naval captains. Cool. The prettiest naval captains around. Gorgeous. Standing on an aircraft carrier, blonde hair, dazzling. That's not regulation though.

But you think he got where he is by following the rules? That's right. He's a maverick. That's right. That's right. All right. On that note, John,

thanks for joining us on the podcast. Thanks for having me. And next expert of nothing is when? Patrick. Pat, don't say anything. Next expert of nothing is the 17th of June. And if you miss that one, it'll be every last Sunday of the month at the windup space. It's a free show, too.

It's a free show. If you don't miss that one, it will be when? If you don't miss that one, it will be June 17th. And you're on it. Free show. Oh, you're doing it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, my friend Cole's going to do it as well.

I think he's usually in the crowd. He's got a good laugh, that kid. Make sure he's prepared to get his ass handed to him. Yeah, I told him. Good. He's been preparing all day. Good. I have to go get a prize.

I haven't got a prize yet. Yeah, the one that I did was a flask, I think. It was a flask. And then we gave a monk for the third one. The second one was like... Monk? It was a monk. It was like this beer stein thing.

It's an expert of nothing. Right. But the second one was like Avengers tickets. But we gave it to like Doug Powell. And Doug Powell was like, I don't give a shit about Avengers. And we had to give it to a second place guy. Nice. Yeah, I can see

Doug not really caring about that. Yeah, that was like the worst gift to give. He's like, what am I going to do with this? Yeah. You give me a straw hat or something? Yeah. Sun visor. New shovel. All right. Well, thanks for joining us.

Pat, if you had a great time, don't say anything. All right. Thanks, Pat. Just wiggle your keys. It's like he's here. I'll put it in in post. All right. Well, John, thanks for joining us.

Thank you so much, John. It was a lot of fun. All right. See you, Digheads. See you. Enjoy your time. Love you. Love you. See you. Enjoy your time. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Yeah, yeah Ah, yeah Ah, yeah God damn it, baby, no, I ain't lying to you I'm only gonna tell you one time Ah, yeah Yes, I am Yeah, oh Yes I am Yeah Oh

Oh yes