The Digression Sessions - Ep. 44 - Chris LaMartina!

Episode Date: July 21, 2012

“HPV Craft” Hola Digheads! This week Mike and Josh are joined by director, writer, rock n roller, juvenile diabetic, and known pizza eater -Chris LaMartina! Chris has co-written, produced, and directed five feature films including: Dead Teenagers, Book of Lore, President’s Day, Grave Mistakes, and Witches Brew.  Ever since he got his hands on a camcorder at the age of 11, Chris has been making films. Before that he dictated his stories to his Godmother who would type them on a typewriter. And he’s been eating pizza since God knows when. While working for the Mayor of Baltimore in the office of Cable & Communications as a producer/director for their government TV channel, he produced Grave Mistakes and President’s Day. Sadly he was laid off 2 weeks before shooting began on Witch’s Brew. Chris used his savings and funds from Kickstarter to produce Witches Brew. Due to financial constraints, he thought that would be his last film. However, Chris is forging ahead and currently he has two films in the works. The first is an 80s period piece that will be a found footage film and the second is a heavily HP Lovecraft influenced film entitled, Call-Girl of Cthulhu. Call-Girl will hopefully be funded through investors. And, if all goes to plan shooting will begin in the Spring of 2013. If you’re in the Baltimore area, and you’re reading this on the weekend of July 21st check Chris’s and his long time film partner, Jimmy George’s VHS/VIP at Artscape. VHS/VIP  is an exploration of VHS movies that includes local filmmakers Kristen Anchor, the 48 Hour Film Project’s Rob Hatch, and others, LaMartina made a video mixtape of his favorite scenes from videos. And finally, we were lucky enough to have the hilarious and great artist Grant Lindahl sketch us while we recorded this ep. He killed it! Check it out! We also discuss a number of topics for this episode including, but not limited to: karaoke podcasts (perform your favorite Dig Sesh live!), puns, lots of puns, making your hometown better, goodcest, Civil War era Penthouse letters, lunch in cemeteries, Pilates on ya body!, and so much more! Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should the Digheads start an Olympic Curling team?!?! Say it on our forum!! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Want stickers? Hit Josh up at [e-mail] Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 DO NOT (SERIOUSLY DON’T IT) forget that Mike Finazzo’s album “Stupid Genius” is available via Josh’s record label Better Robot Records on iTunes, Amazon, and Spotify!? Only $3.99 on iTunes! (BetterRobotRecords.com)

oh no you did not about to get buck wild up i think it's already gotten buck wild let me check the meter it's at 8.9 yeah Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's on orange. The buck wild levels are reaching dangerous potential. Stay out of the inner cities. There might be a serious buck wild threat today. Absolutely. Welcome to the... Make sure you have an emergency safety kit and plenty of canned goods.

Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast. I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh. Josh Coderna. And I am the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Mike Moran. Hey, Mike. Hey, Josh. How are you? I am well. Long time no see, buddy. I know. I feel like I've disappeared off the face of the earth. I know. And showed up at work every day. Is that what happened?

Pretty much, yeah. You just kind of disappeared and ended up at work? Yeah, kind of. You might have epilepsy. Right. Well, I don't feel epileptic. Okay. Well, that's good. Just keep an eye on that.

All right. Keep an eye on that. All right. Keep an eye on that. I know. That's a little bit of physics humor for you. Yeah. Last time I saw you was in New York where you got to perform with your troop as a part of the prestigious Del Close Marathon. Yes, indeed we did. And I was going to see you guys, and you guys reserved a seat for me, which is very nice.

I looked out. It was just like in a movie, like in Hook or something, when you look out and your father's not there. Yeah, it really sucks. I look out, there's an empty seat. They put the spotlight on that one chair you reserved for me. Yeah, the whole time. It was kind of shitty. Yeah, I know.

I know. Used to make me cry. Well, let me tell you what happened. I get to this ticket desk, and I say, hey, I'm here to see. Are you Josh Kedarn? I'm like, yeah, obviously I'm Josh Kedarn. Right. And I'm here to see my good friend Mike Moran and his troop, Population 6.

They reserved a space. Like, okay, yeah, we see that. That'll be $30. What? And I said, no, no, no, but I have a reserved spot. And they go, yeah, well, that just reserves the spot for you to pay $30 to get in. And I said, I'll be right back. And then I never went back.

So you lied to this man or woman. Oh, yeah, big time. Big time. And then I got the hell out of there. Because I love you. You guys are a great troupe. I wasn't going to pay $30 to see you. Why did you feel the need to deceive this person, though?

Why couldn't you be like, never mind? Why did you have to be like, I'll be right back? Oh, I think I did actually say that. I was just saying that for creative effect. No, I pushed the old lady down and just ran right through the door. It was like the comic thing of there's a shape of a running man through the front door. I just steamrolled right through it. Your hair like left a hole in everything.

Yep. Just like you. Exactly. There's some smoke coming from the door. That was weird. Remember when there was a rumor that the Pentagon had been hit by a missile and not by an airplane? Yeah. Because there was like a hole, like a round hole.

Like people thought that the wings were going to leave, like, perfectly cut. A plane shape. Yeah, yeah. They realized the thing, like, blows up. Yeah. Well, I guess in the towers, this is good talk for the intro, by the way, but the towers did look like they had, like, a slit kind of like the shape of sort of a plane, if I can recall. But those are, like, glass windows.

Yeah, but it's still a structure. I mean, it wasn't entirely glass. Well, I would expect the windows to shatter. Myth busters. I think we have the next myth for you. The shark in jaws would not have blown up like that. No. Are we thinking the same thing?

I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know what you're thinking. How have you been, Josh? I've been great. Well, I wanted to ask you, how did the performance go? It went pretty darn well. That's awesome, man. I wouldn't say it was up there with our best.

Yeah. Megan seems to think so, from our troop, which is good. Cool. But I thought it was pretty effing good. Yeah. She helped hold down the fort for the last podcast that you couldn't make it to. So that was nice of her. Yes.

Thank you, Megan. And, yeah, her and Thomas. And, yeah, New York was a good time. I just got back from vacation. Uh-oh. And boy are my arms suntanned. I heard you got a little tan. Do you hear it or do you see it?

Because you're looking at me right now. Huh? Look at that. I guess so. You went in a tanning bed, didn't you? Yeah, for eight minutes, and I burned my butt. That was terrible. My butt was really itchy the whole time.

Really? Well, I wanted to do it just to get a good base, you know? Right. And then I did that, and yeah, it works. Because it'll lower your voice. Yeah. Get a good bass. Yeah, just to get a low bass.

Right. Earthy, rich tone. Yeah. So you could sing that part in Rolling on the River at karaoke. Yep, that's exactly what it was for. Aren't you scared that the thing's going to close and lock you in there? Uh, no. It is a little weird.

But it, like, it has a lock. There has to be, like, some movie or something where that's happening It's not like she was, like, tan But have fun Beware Was that, like, in one of the Saw movies? Like, one of the traps? Oh Alright, well, I guess it has happened before

Good, so No, stuff's good, just doing the podcast Working on label stuff Yeah How's the label going? Going well So Mike's still selling

Some albums on iTunes Which is great Awesome And Alex and I Are working on some stuff Some sketch stuff Cool Maybe a web series

So Really cool I'll keep everybody Posted on that But Let's not be rude To our guest Let's not be rude to our guest.

Let's not be rude. Mike, I know you want to be rude. We're not going to be rude. We're going to switch it up. We're going to switch it up. This man, I see him all the time in my town, usually wearing a sleeveless shirt. I know. He didn't disappoint today.

Nope, not yet. Multi-talented. Not only can he somehow rip the sleeves off every shirt impeccably, he can direct films. And look at the way he shaves those sideburns. And I like the way he covers up his laugh on a podcast. That's great for a comedy podcast. You laugh in that microphone, you're fucking out of here. All right?

Fair enough. I will not have you disrespecting the sanctity of the podcast. Where we talk about 9-11 and suntan. All right. This is a prestigious, respectable show. I'm a decent man. I got a family. You do?

No, not really. Oh, okay. But he's going to start one. Oh. Well, good for you. Good for you. Today we have... Director.

Thrill maker. Yep. Writer. Guitar player. And drummer. Glasses guitar player, and drummer. Glasses wearer, and drummer, and guy who knows someone who works at Ram's Head. Oh my goodness. I'm glad we saved the best credit for last.

Chris LaMartina. Hey! Welcome, Chris. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. Thanks for coming. Welcome to the show. How are you? Dude, I appreciate it. Thanks for coming. Welcome to the show. How are you? Dude, I was hoping you were going to play that song the whole episode.

I can. I was ready to freestyle over it. We should release two versions, one with the song and one without it throughout the entire thing. We'll do an instrumental version of the podcast. Yeah, exactly. For karaoke. The music version. The lyrics are slightly different.

People are just reading our parts verbatim We'll just get a script What if we had the Digression Sessions karaoke? It's a cover band of the Digression Sessions You stand up there And you Pick your favorite Digression Sessions podcast And you do all the words to it

I like it Huge hit Yeah, absolutely But yeah man, thanks for coming by I'm stoked to be here Do all the words to it. I like it. It's a huge hit. Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, man, thanks for coming by. Oh, yeah, dude, I'm stoked to be here. What were you up to today? Because I know you work in film as well, right? I do.

I work full-time as an editor at a company in Hamden doing business-to-business videos, corporate videos, basically. Okay. But yeah. Right on. So I work today, and then I just, let's see. I got off, and I got a slice of pizza. Oh.

Pizza, eh? Where'd you get pizza from? What's that place? The pizza place right on the corner near Golden West. This is not interesting. No. Philly's best. Philly's best.

Yes. I got you. In Baltimore. I wish I would have known you as a pizza eater. I would have included that in the intro, you dumb son of a bitch. Sorry. Jesus Christ. It barely mentions it on the Wikipedia page.

Chris Lamontine, a known pizza eater. Also a filmmaker. He mentions that last. It just talks about how much pizza you eat. It says citation needed for the filmmaker stuff. There's just tons of citations repeat two question mark um yeah so how uh when did you start making films and all that uh well i mean obviously since i was like a little kid i was making short films and stuff i started directing my first feature when i was 18 while i

was at towson i produced an anthology film called dead teenagers uh it's a piece of shit but it got um it got distributions yeah i remember I remember actually seeing that around, and I was shocked to find out that you were involved with it. I mean, just because you had mentioned it, and it was something that I'd seen on shelves and stuff. The thing is, it's not a good movie. It was shot with a consumer camcorder, and the whole reason why we did that one was specifically as a test to see.

Consumers. I mean, it's just not shot with prosumer gear. It wasn't anything fancy. Some poor people probably film short films with. I don't want to be associated with those people. You are the 1% of the horror film genre. But I did that film specifically as a test to see if I could make a film very cheaply and get it distributed from an actual company. And we shot that whole film for like $300.

Really? $300? And it got distribution? Yep. And how long was it? That one's like 74 minutes, something like that. Wow. How feature-length? Well, I mean, all the films I make are features.

Oh, okay. See, Josh knows something about me. This is good. I can just clue you in on everything. Yeah, no, please do. I told him a bunch of lies before just to screw him up and make him look bad. That's why you're pulling for a piece of it.

So it says here you're a black belt. Yes. And exactly when did you join the clan? You had the idea for Star Wars. Either way, I'm wearing a robe. But yeah, no, I produced – to date I've produced five feature films. So I directed five features.

Awesome. Wow. Are you working on one now? Yeah, yeah. We're actually working on two right now. We're working on a 1980s period movie and then we're working on a H.P. Lovecraft horror sex comedy called Call Girl of Cthulhu. Nice.

The script of which you sent me this morning. I did send you this one. I'm interested to see what you say. I didn't get a chance to read more than a few pages. Well, I got to go, guys. It's been great. Yeah. That's all the time we have for Karate Fighter.

Why don't we just read the script in voices during the podcast? Oh, that'd be awesome. Yeah, we could do a live read. Do you listen to the H.P. Podcraft? I don't. That sounds like an awesome title. Yeah, you should. They go through pretty much every H.P. Podcraft? I don't. That sounds like an awesome title. Yeah, you should. They go through pretty much every HP Lovecraft story and book ever.

In fact, I think they just finished the last one. That's really cool. Yeah. I mean, we spent months and months doing Lovecraft research before we even started writing the screenplay. Really? Every character in the movie, with the exception of maybe two or three, are based on Lovecraft characters. Really? It's like Lovecraft in jokes the whole time.

Nice. Nice. So nice and esoter Lovecraft in jokes the whole time. Nice. Nice. So nice and esoteric. Yeah. I like it. So maybe like ten people in the audience will get the jokes. But those ten people are going to fucking love it. They're going to be on the floor.

Do you always write with the same person? Generally, yeah. Jimmy and I, my cinematic better half, Jimmy George, I made Dead Teenagers totally by myself, and then my second feature I made, Book of Lore, from that point forward I always write with Jimmy. We've written some stuff, like none of the films, like Witch's Brew is written

by myself, but I never write with another writing partner. Although the 80s period piece we're doing, we wrote the story with a writer, Jamie Nash, and Jamie Nash, he just wrote the last couple features that Ed Sanchez made, Ed Sanchez made Blair Witch Project. Oh, really?

Wow, cool. Yeah, Jamie's like, it's funny, I actually worked as a, I met Jamie years ago because I worked as a PA on his Vampire Heart, Vampire Christmas flick he made called Two Front Teeth. Is that a prequel to Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter? I don't think so. Okay, okay.

I'm going to write this down. Learning a lot. Update that Wikipedia, yeah. This is Abe Lincoln at so. Okay. I'm going to write this down. Learning a lot. Update that Wikipedia. This is Abe Lincoln at Christmas. Yeah. Wait, did I say Abe Lincoln or did I say Bam? I don't know. I was like, wow, man, I've got Abe Lincoln on the head then.

You don't want that. I don't know. Anyway, I'm sorry to derail you. I don't care, man. I'm going to do it myself. I don't care, man. I'm going to do it to myself. Derail me all goddamn day. Well, yeah, when I was doing a little research today, as I like to do. So you just Googled pizza eaters?

Yeah. You were the first one to pop up. It was very fortuitous. I was quite lucky. No, it said your last. There was a domino effect. Hey, on this podcast podcast we avoid the noid yeah uh there are several uh write-ups on you and they're saying uh your last film

which is brew everybody was i forget the article it's like chris made this film and it may be his last film well yeah well there was a there was a long time of um i mean i don't know how serious you want this podcast to get so um not not very serious move the fuck on bring it back to pizza real quick i was just trying to give you a slice of my life oh man that's so bad can you just play more? I swear I'll change my mood when you... Play something happy. So where does your pain come from? Okay, so a couple years ago...

Show me on the doll where he touched you. All right, so I was working at the mayor's office of Cable... I was actually going to tell the story over the music, but you can stop it if you want. I was working at the mayor's office of Cable and Communication. I was a producer-director for their government TV channel. And when Sheila Dixon left the mayor's office of cable and communication. I was a producer director for their government TV channel. And when Sheila Dixon left the mayor's office in Baltimore, our office apparently got caught up in a scandal with her. And we were going to get positions cut at my office.

So this is a long-winded way of telling the story. You were giving her a bunch of gift cards. Exactly. We were all wearing fur coats, making films in the mayor's office. You're walking in wearing tuxedos and gold chalices, taking limos up to the front door. We actually just took limos to our offices. Right. Sure.

It's a big warehouse. You have golf carts inside. Yeah. Segways. It was actually like that movie, The Toy with Richard Pryor. Anyway, so what am I doing here? Okay, yeah. So it looked like they were going to lay off three people from our office.

And at the time, I thought, oh, I guess when I get laid off, what I'm going to do is save – or I'm going to take the money I make from unemployment and finish the Witch's Brew. Because at that point, we were already raising money for Witch's Brew. And I was going to move to L.A., and that was my plan. Cool. And, yeah, so here's the story. A couple things that happened. One, another fun thing to add to the Wikipedia. I'm a juvenile diabetic

so you better type that in. I was going to ask you, diabetes or live-a-beet-ies? I'll definitely go with diabetes. I told you you looked like Wilford Brimley. It's the mustache, mostly. He's also sitting on a horse.

The horse. Which is fine. I don't mind. I'm fine with that. Hey, do your own thing. If you want to be diabetic, that is your decision. That's your choice. Hey, to each his own.

Mike and I are of the school that you're born with it. You know, just keep it away from my kids. That's all I'm saying. I don't give a shit what you do with insulin behind closed doors. I just hope one day we can get married. So anyway, so basically... In this house we respect beta cells.

Sorry. So basically, I'll condense this a lot faster. So I lost my job. We were trying to finish Witch's Brew. And one thing I realized, the first week of production into Witch's Brew, I realized my health insurance costs were going to go up exponentially. Because I had to pay through Cobra Health Insurance. So my co-pays, which while I was at the mayor's office for $50 a month, were supposed to be $200. That's what the HR department told us.

This is really not a really funny story at all. No, it's all right. It doesn't all have to be funny. My health insurance ended up going to $900 a month. My unemployment money went to pay for my health insurance. And in the course of those couple months, I blew through my savings because I was going to film festivals because President's Day, the film I made before, which is Bruce playing all these festivals. And I was like, oh, I owe it to myself. So I dropped a couple thousand dollars traveling the country. And basically with the health care costs, I had to move back home. I was going through a – I ended up bringing up with my girlfriend that I was dating for like four and a half years. And it was this weird period where it's like you sort of lose a lot of your self-confidence and self-worth.

No sleeves, no health care, not on my watch. No service. Exactly. So basically – so I moved back home. And it was a really depressing time. And Witches Brew took forever to finish because of technical problems. We had sound issues with the film. We were shooting on a different style.

You might say it was cursed, like The Exorcist. Yeah, like the alcohol in the film. Yes, The Witches Brew cursed. so yes the witch's brew curse but anyway so there was this long period of a year where I like wondered if really like like making movies was the path

I wanted to do because for me like if I had moved to LA anyway it would have been all freelance work and I would have to buy private health insurance

which is still a huge fucking pain in the ass for someone who's diabetic so I had this long period where I wondered if what really made me happy if making films made me happy

but the problem was I was just in a really shitty spot. And I also think I was sort of getting frustrated with certain things in Baltimore that I just wasn't like, you hit a ceiling of what you can achieve here sometimes. And I think there was a period of a couple months where I had to fall back in love with Baltimore and realize we have an amazing community here that you can either make it, but you can make your hometown better or you can move away. That's like a common theme that I think we've been talking about a lot on this podcast. Uh, the last show we did was, uh,

with this guy, Chris true, who started an improv theater in Austin. And then he moved, he's, uh, the new movement theater. And then he made one in new Orleans and,

uh, Houston. So he's basically saying like, I want to create like my own thing here. Let's make our town cool. And not everybody has to go to New York, Chicago, or LA. There's still great things going on. He's like, I never want to feel like people at my theater

hit the ceiling, like you were saying. If you're going to write sketches and you want to put them up, let's write them and then put them up. Don't move to New York to do sketch work or write on a sitcom. Write your sitcom here and we'll put it up. That's so fucking cool. I think if more cities do that, then you're going to see. You have cooler shit.

Yeah, and in this technological age, it's way easier to do that. Like 50 years ago, you wouldn't be able to put out your film or even record. It would be way too expensive. We wouldn't be able to 50 years ago you wouldn't be able to put out your film exactly record be way too expensive how we wouldn't be able to do this goddamn podcast or anything so i think that's really cool that you're like yeah rather than be like a small fish in an already saturated pond it's like why not try to make my own city cooler and also the cool thing about producing like you know micro budget films uh in in somewhere like baltimore like your hometown like yeah you have a pool of resources that like you wouldn't have in la like i yeah i would be nothing in la and i would i'd be spending insane amounts of money trying to produce films out there yeah whereas here i can just phone in favors right right yeah who do you get to uh star in your film well we have casting calls i

mean we've started i've got over like years um a sort of troop of actors that i work with consistently people that i love that really do feel like family right um so like there there's there's usually like at least four or five people that I love that really do feel like family. There's usually at least four or five people that are in every movie. We hold casting calls every time, so people can always audition. I always refer to making movies like Summer Camp, because it's sort of like

next summer, some of the kids will be back again, some of them won't be back again. Some of them wet their beds. Some of them might drown, and then their mother comes back and kills everyone. They inexplicably rise out of the lake. And they don't explain it. Yeah.

And then the corpse gets struck by lightning. Right. Corey Feldman might be in the fourth or fifth one. I don't know. Yeah, you never know with these things, I think, is what we're getting at. You just never. It's got into space. And you end up having a fight with some kids.

You go to take Manhattan. Right. And then this up having a fight with Summer King. You go to take Manhattan. And this Freddy guy shows up out of nowhere. And he's got a beef with you. And there's one weird one where you're like a worm that jumps into different people's bodies for no explainable reason. That appears to be a different

horror movie with a character shoehorned into it. Just like that. It's almost cliche at this point. What could into it just like that it's yeah it's it's almost cliche at this point right what could happen yeah you know it's it's hell you hell you might end up in hell you know well done so wow well you uh you made it work how did you fall back in love with baltimore did you like what yeah let's go over like when you fell out of love and then falling back in love. Like, why did you get frustrated? Because, yeah, with me, like, starting the label, I'm trying to, I'm starting to see that, too.

Is that, like, even, like, the comedy scene, which is great, but it's also kind of insulated and then it can get clicky. I think that's sort of the thing is, it's like you play to the same audience so many times. Right. And let me clarify this. Anything I say right now, I'm so incredibly grateful for everything we've had here. Sure. It's amazing. The arts community here

is fucking awesome. I thought you were going to say you were high. That's fine. Let me make this clear. I am wasting out of my mind right now. So don't listen

to what I have to say. What do these mobs do? I'm not going to lie. I'm blackout drunk. I was in an insulin den earlier. I am fucked up. Yeah, I just snorted a bunch of pixie sticks.

So here's the thing. i remember like uh just situations where like um and and being making a bunch of movies is frustrating all around like um i'll go into that a little bit but you know when we do a screening and it's like we promote the fuck out of it and it's like we can't sell out like a like the large theater in the charles which is like i think like maybe like 485 it's cool you get them screened at the charles which is pretty badass I think like maybe like 485. It's cool that you get them screened at the Charles, which is pretty badass. Well, yeah, we had to rent the space though. I mean, I think President's Day,

we had like 350 people there for the President's Day screen, and that was the week after Snowpocalypse, like literally the Monday after Snowpocalypse. So that was pretty cool. That's good timing. Yeah, yeah. People want to get out of the house. I mean, it was pretty good in that regard.

But yeah, but it's one of those things where it's like, I remember for me, it was just being like, why can't I promote these films to get to a wider audience? Because it ends up being your friends and family seeing these movies. Like, you know, I'll see people here and there that don't know me that say, oh, I saw the film, I really liked it. And that's awesome. But, you know, you don't want to live in this box.

And I think that's really frustrating. I think a lot of times, like, when I know about the local comedy scene going to a lot of shows, it, like, ends up being the comedians and, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, you're kind of right. Like, it's a similar frustration, you know? Yeah. But it's tough to, I ends up being the comedians. You know what I mean? It's a similar frustration. But it's tough to... I think that's the thing. Baltimore is in a very

special time culturally right now because there's amazing things going on. And it just comes down to the fact that people need to be actively seeking this stuff out. And I was just feeling, in a sense, it felt very incestuous for a while. Right. And not in a good way either.

Let's just clear up. Not good incest. Not good incestuous for a while. Right, right, yeah. And not in a good way either. Let's just clear up. Not like... Not in a good way. Good incest. Not good incest. Good cest, I call it. Good cest. Good cest.

But I think the thing that made me sort of fall back in love with it was I realized, like, you know... Well, first of all, I realized there's no fucking way I could stop making movies. There's no way I could stop telling stories. Right. I mean, you started so young, first of all, I realized, like, there's no fucking way I could stop making movies. Like, there's no way I could stop telling stories. Right. I mean, you started so young, it seems like.

Definitely. And storytelling even before that. Like, my earliest memories are, like, I used to make my godmother, like, sit down at the typewriter and I would just dictate and tell her to type these things. And, like, we found one a couple years ago and it's literally just, like, a series of non sequiturs. Like, things like, the hand came out of the grave. Thunder crashed. So it's like the Bible basically. It's exactly like the Bible.

It's exactly. So you're just a storyteller. You can't stop telling stories. Pretty much. It's so cool that she did that for you. She's like, all right, what other bullshit do you want me to say?

I mean, and she, she was awesome. I remember like, um, like when I was, uh, five years old or so,

like toxic crusaders was popular on a cartoon. And she was like, she bought me toxic Avengers. She was like, Oh, it's Toxic Crusaders was popular on a cartoon. She bought me Toxic Avengers. She was like, oh, it's a live-action version of Toxic Crusaders. I totally was. You know what's funny? I think the nudity freaked me out in that movie more than the facts. I was like,

my aunt's name is Mary Lou. I was like, Lulu, there's a naked lady on this movie. Are you sure I should be watching this? She was like, rather than turn it off, she just fast-forwarded through that part. She's like, yeah, it's cool now. Watch the the rest watch this kid on the bike get hit by the car god knows all right hit yep no she just didn't give a fuck and the funny thing is she's like a super religious lady she like watches all the washes all the priest linens for like the catholic church down the street like weird yeah man she ruled she still rules be great if she

just said that like there's boobies, who gives a fuck Grow the fuck up You puss I've seen the shit you write You need to be a little rough Around the edges So that's when I turn to dick jokes Awesome man So is your plan to stay in Baltimore

For a while I don't see myself leaving, actually, ever now, honestly. Because the thing that's funny now is the way the entertainment industry has changed. We're seeing a very weird time right now because DVDs are no longer a viable market. And digital downloads are the way of the future. And honestly, we're changing the distribution platform completely. So why the fuck would I move to a... It took me a long time to figure this out, but I realized that why would I move to New York or LA unless I was trying

to get money to make bigger budget films. But like, there's not much money in films right now anyway. Like, uh, we're trying to raise like 50 grand to do call girl Cthulhu. And like, I think that's a reasonable budget. Like, I mean, I think it's reasonable budget for like, you know, I wouldn't spend a million dollars on that even if I had it. Cause it's like, you're not going to make a million dollars off a movie at our level. Is that the

highest budget to do for your films? Yeah, the Witch's Brew was shot for $16,000 so the $50,000 for Cthulhu would be the biggest one yet. Wow. And actually for the first time ever we're getting true investors. We're meeting with a lawyer in a couple weeks to actually do contracts and stuff. That's great, man. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I mean, it might fall apart, so I don't want to speak too positive. Right, right. Count your eggs. And that's why in the meantime, before we start doing Cthulhu, that's why we're doing the 80s period piece. So that's sort of like a warm-up and it's going to be

low pressure. So it's more just for fun. Exactly, but it's a lot more stylistic. It sounds awesome, though. That's a great idea for... Yeah, see, Mike already knows the plot. I should explain it to Josh real quick.

Hey, and explain it to our dozens of listeners, too. Well, you there. And we all laugh. No, just explain it to Josh. I just want to talk to the guy eating his Cheetos right now. Yes, you.

Talking to you, you dumb son of a bitch. Clean your fucking hands before I shake your hand, you idiot. I know, right? And go finish your laundry. Your mom's getting pissed at you, man. And move the fuck out of your mom's house. Fuck you.

You're 41. Carl, let's just make it clear. We're talking Carl. You stupid motherfucker. Stop listening. Please. Now that he's gone, I'm going to the bathroom. Not encourage my friend Carl to listen to this one.

I wonder if there is a person actually eating Cheetos. Just like, what the fuck? You have a friend that almost fits that description named Carl. Who I've probably tried to get to listen to the podcast once or twice. He's like maybe 36 or so. So Mike finally got around to listening to your fucking the podcast once or twice. He's like maybe 36 or so. So Mike finally got around to listen to your fucking show. Very funny stuff. I've actually wanted to have

him on the show because he's pretty funny. Tell him to bring Cheetos. He can put down the Cheeto pipe for one minute. But he's like the embodiment of the mid-30s bachelor guy who still just waits tables and drinks beer afterward and hangs out and plays video games and watches movies. He sounds like a great get

We were talking about These found footage movie yeah, yeah, so okay so basically for a while We want to do a found footage film like something like Blair Witch Project or paranormal activity You know like something that would be shot, like a tape someone found. And also because it would be cheap and easy to shoot. So of course we decided to pick the most pain in the ass, inefficient found footage film to make.

Basically we were making a 1980s period piece. It takes place in 1987. I was going to say Civil War era. Everybody has to explain what the camera is. What the fuck is this? And Morgan Freeman voiceovers. All just slow push-ins on the pictures. They found the camera.

Blair Witch climbed through 400 yards. Oh shit, the film is documentary. So. Sorry. I don't give a shit. Found footage from the Paleolithic era before humans evolved speech. Oh my gosh, I'm just going to record a wax cylinder. He's going like, how the video cameras do this.

That's what it is. After they figured out what this doohickey was, they began to make a film. It was a terrible film. In the book version, the Bible was even worse. It's like the Ken Burns where he just keeps zooming in on pictures. That's all they do. They spend their entire budget on zoom-ins. And like flute music.

Maybe a drum here and there. Dearest Martha. Apparently everybody's wife was a Martha. I long for your bosom. Dearest Martha. It's like Civil War penthouse letters. Dearest penthouse.

How I long for my dear Martha's bosom. My pantaloons strewn about my ankles. Fully engorged, I proceeded to make love to dear's mother. Oh, my babe, I extended that night and did

pierce her flesh. And I suddenly gave her a red patch of courage. Wow. It doesn't even make any sense. Wasn't that like a World War II book or something? I think that was Civil War. Was it?

I don't know. I failed English class. We'll fix it in post. We'll fix it in post. Anyway, so the plot, the found footage. Yeah, the tentative title is called the WNUF Halloween Special. And basically, it's like a tape taped off of local TV in 1987. And Act 1 is a –

Do you have commercials? Sorry to keep – I'm going to tell you all about it. God, I'm sorry. I used to get in the way. Actually, why don't you just write the movie, Josh? Mike and I will be actors. What about lines?

You should have lines in that movie. You guys are going to do star wipes? I think those are pretty cool. I think those are pretty fucking cool. You should show some bikini fights. Oh, my God. Volleyball? Mud wrestling?

What have I got really technical? It's like, you're going to do a wraparound shot to an interior of the home. I don't know. I wish I could do better technical talk. And then a dissolve fade. Smash cut to a car. Oh, my. Let's just have them jump in through the windows into the car.

They're a transformer in it. I can't talk to them. I can't get enough of them fucking robots, man. So WNUF Halloween special. Are you done yet? I love it when the guest loves us abusing them. That works out so much better. It's so much easier.

It's just like any relationship I've ever been in, so it's cool. You do have health insurance, right? I do. We forgot to check your paperwork before this podcast started. Because you're going to break my heart. Yeah. Okay. It's all good.

Wow. It's all good. This whole show is just trying to force Chris to laugh and not talk. It doesn't take much, to be honest. It's great. We're going to have you back every week. Good, please. We need him and Umar.

Oh, my God. Dude, that would be like the laugh off. It would be perfect. Okay, so I'll say be like the laugh off. That would be perfect. Okay, so I'll say this as fast as possible. So usually I can describe my films in a single sentence. This one is a little bit more complicated to describe. I read that you want to do that. Well, that's what, like, we learned that.

I mean, like, we learned that the big push for us was when we made President's Day that if you can describe your film in a sentence, it becomes more marketable. Like, it's complicated otherwise. What makes sense? There's nothing that makes me feel worse about myself when I try to be serious and people laugh at me. Grandpa, I love you. Hey, fuck you too, Mike. Mom, I love you.

But yeah, that was the lesson we learned. Very right. Like, you can't fuck up your message if you can describe it in a single sentence. You know what I mean? I mean, President's Day, we could, you know, a maniac dressed as Abe Lincoln starts killing kids in a student council competition. You know, campaign. I'm already picturing it. And then, and witch's brew, you could describe in two words, cursed beer.

I mean, honestly, it's like, you know, it's pretty, you know, punchy. Anyway. Do you think you should have called the movie Cursed Beer? And then the blurb could be Witch's Brew. You need us. I sure do. Marketing department. I sure do.

Right fucking here, man. Right here. But you're going to have to lose the sleeves if you roll with me. That's fair. Your whole crew has no sleeves. I will say this, though. You know, it's funny. Somebody who was thinking about distributing. I will say this though, you know, it's funny, one of the distributors,

or somebody who was thinking about distributing Witch's Brew, this is not the company we signed with, they were like, yeah, like,

you know, I like the title Witch's Brew, it fits with the film and it was the first thing, honestly, it was the first thing we came up with

before we even came up with the plot, the title. But the guy was like, but see, the problem is with Netflix and stuff now, we want titles

that start with A or B that are closer to the alphabet. Really? You know, I've thought about that before. Are bands like titling songs with A or B that are closer to the alphabet. You know, I've thought about that before. Are bands like titling songs with A and B? The distributor literally was.

He was like, why don't you just call the film Brew? And I'm like, no. Witch's Brew is the perfect name for that movie. And we started coming up with movie titles first. I would have called it Avatar 2, but that's on you guys. I don't give a shit. Anaconda. 2012.

Anacondas with a Z. I don't think they took that one yet. Right. Okay, so back to the fucking plot of the 80s found footage movie, since I'm never going to explain it. Anyway, so basically, Act 1 is the local news broadcast of, like, you know, just anchors talking about trick-or-treating tips, like, or whatever

and every three minutes in the movie is a commercial break so all my filmmaker friends from across the country are producing fake 80s commercials that's totally awesome like two weeks ago

I shot a fake tampon commercial sure that was fun and we had a bunch of weird shit it is a period film man I love your flow. Hey, you might even say that it'll be a bloody vagina of a time. We're really padding out this podcast.

We're riding the crimson wave to gold. Produced by a team of men-stration. I'm so fucking sorry. King of puns over here. Call me king of puns from now on, by the way. Sorry, continue. That's the king of puns. I want you to refer to me as the king of puns from now on, by the way. Sorry, continue. That's the king of puns. I want you to refer to me as the king of puns.

Oh, man. So, anyway, so Act 1 is basically what happens is during one of the commercial breaks, there's a promo for a Halloween special that they're doing, which they're doing a live broadcast from the local haunted house. So Acts 2 and 3 are literally a live expose of this house that these people were murdered there 15 years ago. No one's ever been inside. Right. And they start doing a,

like, you know, they have ghost experts and an exorcist come in to do this goofy live, like, you know, telecast. Right. Well, really weird shit actually starts happening and the broadcast gets fucked up. So that's the film. Okay.

And, you know, like I said, every three minutes are commercial breaks. Every three minutes? It's a delightfully 80s. Wow. Well, every, like, somewhere between three and five minutes. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. But the cool thing, too, is, like, you don't see all the commercials sometimes you have this phantom editor that fast forwards through stuff that's perfect yeah like how it was back in the day when you would try to like skip the commercials you come in a little too soon or are you gonna have like maybe come in a little late like somebody forgot to hit record it should be like the muppets or something and then it comes in as the you know what i mean like tape over something like yeah like like yeah recording over like your daughter's recital or something like that maybe a wedding yeah yeah that's a good idea yeah i mean there's definitely gonna be things like when he watches like a bikini ad he'll he'll rewind stuff like that you know perfect perfect so when do you start

shooting that uh we actually we already started shooting some of the commercials and i've got a bunch of filmmakers that are already starting to shoot that stuff um we shot we shoot the newscast stuff and the um the actual like live from the haunted house stuff in september cool so we're gonna take a little bit of time to relax and then we're trying to raise money for cthulhu while we make this film so uh we're not gonna shoot call girl cthulhu probably till spring so we've got a lot of time to finish this one and are you doing most of the funding through kickstarter or so for this one there's no budget literally no budget okay and like i mean i might get somebody to give us to finish this one. And are you doing most of the funding through Kickstarter? So for this one, there's no budget.

Literally no budget. Okay. And like, I mean, I might get somebody to give us maybe like a grand or something like that and we'll pay them back

when we have the premiere or whatever. Sure. But then it'll just be like sort of seed money. Right. But like, Cthulhu,

we're probably gonna do a Kickstarter, but we're going to try to raise the money through investors. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

We did a Kickstarter for Witches Brew. We raised about $13,000. Wow. Yes, we did pretty good. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. Cool, man. Well, good luck with that.

Thanks, man. So why horror? I've always been attracted to horror since I was a little kid. I don't know. I really can't explain. My Aunt Lulu really fucked me up. I mean, honestly. Form exorcisms. Well, she would tell me really interesting. The funny thing Aunt Lulu really fucked me up. I mean, honestly, like... Formal exorcism.

Well, she would tell me really... Like, the funny thing was, you know, she was an office secretary. You're the son of the devil! Are you hungry? You want a sandwich? Demon. How did you know my nickname? I did some research today.

I told you. I read your Wikipedia. He looks up your Aunt Lulu's Wikipedia page. I mean, honestly, I will say this. My aunt, and I never really thought about my influences like this. I can tell you a lot of reasons why I like horror films. But my aunt, she was really big on, like, at the time, they weren't called urban legends. She thought all these stories were true.

Really? Interesting. Like, the hook hand. Like, you know, like, all these things other secretaries would swap stories for. And she would tell you these stories, these fucked up stories. And I'd be like, this is amazing, like all this modern folklore. And she used to visit like my- Did you ever question why the guy grabbed the car door with his hook hand?

Why wouldn't he open it with his regular hand? I have never thought about that, ever. Your career would go a lot differently if you did ask that question. Yeah, I'd probably be a physicist. That just simply doesn't make sense. You just grab the door with his other hand. What if both of his hands were hook hands? That's a little revisionist.

Why did they let him have a hook hand if he's a violent middle patient? Why not just give him a regular fake hand? We're going to give you the rubber. We're all out of rubber hands. Take the hook. Make sure is going to come of that. We're all out of rubber hands. Take the hook. Make sure you don't do anything evil. Get out of here, you stupid son of a bitch.

Oh, my God. But no, she would tell me that stuff, and we'd go visit my great-grandfather's grave. As a little kid, I'd go once a week to a graveyard, and that's actually something I still do. I eat lunch in the cemetery in Hamden once a week at least. Really? I fucking love graveyards.

I find them really relaxing. And I actually really find funeral homes I still do. I eat lunch in my cemetery in Hamden once a week at least. Really? I fucking love graveyards. I find them really relaxing. And you know, I actually really find funeral homes and stuff like that really relaxing. But anyway, you know, when you're...

He's glossing over that. No, but I'm... The bigger point here is like, you know... From now to hide gets me hard. But anyway... I can only orgasm with the sight of blood.

But moving on. I sleep in a coffin. Anyway. So there I was. Severed head in hand. I'm a son of a bitch. I had an older brother and sister, and my brother grew up watching stuff like Monster Squad, stuff that he taped off basic cable, and that was the first there.

They need to remake that one. Get on. They need to remake that? Are you serious? Yeah, Monster Squad? That was awesome I think they actually were thinking

about doing a remake of it actually I'm sure they were it's one of my favorite movies of all time someone take me seriously please well work for being

taken seriously make a sign on the side of the road and make sure you wear your clown nose my pants around my ankles. Right. But I think the thing, too, is, like, you know, I grew up in the suburbs.

And, like, you know, when you live in a place where it's, like, you know, you plan community and, like, you want to believe in things outside of the realm of a boring, you know, like, you know, neighborhood. And, like, there's a creek right by my house. And we would go down there. We'd have, like, quote, unquote, adventures. Like, you know, like, wanting to escape from something that seems very bland and boring and important and horror kind of returning to like the

primitive environment. Absolutely horror films are very primal. Yeah I think that's part of it for me it's kind of escaping the modern world and going back to a very primitive world where death was a real fear. Where death was a way of life. Around here death is a way of life. Andy Dufresne.

Andy Dufresne. Whenever it gets boring to see Andy Dufresne in a Morgan Freeman essay. Andy Dufresne always said life's a part of death. Can I redo that one? I'm high. Oh, crap. We're broadcasting this live.

That seems like a strange way to shoot a movie. You're losing your touch, Morgan. Get into it. Come on. Get focused. Get into it. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know that you're a big horror guy, Mike Moran.

I wouldn't say I'm a big horror guy, but I'm definitely a horror guy. You're into the genre. I just never got into it. He's not that big. I mean, he's lost a little bit of weight since last year. It's not a flattering shirt. I did eat, like, 14 veggie shakes today and do Pilates. Pilate all over your body.

He just turned into a guy from Mr. Carter. Is that like inner city Pilates? Mr. Carter. Real tough Pilates right on your body. On your body with a tough Pilates. Oh, fuck. Try to think of one for yoga that I can't. Let's just make some more period puns.

Welcome back to period puns. Oh, man. I think we bled that dry. We're in the middle of a flood. Oh! This guy's a fucking king In your pants with a warrior stance He's an applicator you hater What does that have to do with yoga?

I was talking about periods What does that have to do with yoga? You don't have to You don't have to yoga talk. You don't have to mat down my jokes, okay? Guys, yoga mats. Yeah, I don't know what it is for me either, why I've always loved horror. I was into certain things, but I was just a fraidy cat. I was scared.

I think I liked the fear a lot when I was younger. Yeah, I loved being scared. But I don't really get scared by movies anymore, which is a shame. There's a few that I can put on late at night when I'm jittery from too much coffee. Yeah. The end of Halloween, I think, is one of the best endings to any – or the most effective ending to a movie. Slash flick, yeah. To a scary movie ever i'd say in my modern

and in my adult life the only films that have uh that really scared me were uh saw one through seven saw one through seven yeah all right one through six i was being kind being kind i was gonna say um you know what really scares me still is in pet cemetery when he when she has the flashbacks to her sister who's dying of like that spine disease and I always thought that was really scary because it's not really like a werewolf or whatever

but it's a reminder of her own mortality. Right. It's really scary. I don't remember that part. I've only seen that once in my adult life. I was so freaked out

by the little boy killer in that when I was a kid that really disturbed me. Yeah, yeah. You know what movie is really great too that still holds up

pretty good is Event Horizon. Really? I've never seen that. That's a really scary movie that's like one of the scariest films I think ever made really?

I think so yeah I thought I heard bad things about it dude fuck whoever said that seriously it's a really good fucking movie really? yeah

I'll check it out Grant's right here Chris holy crap he is be nice to him he's wearing an Event Horizon sucks t-shirt he like awkwardly like. Oh, boy.

Turns it inside out. It's still readable. For some reason. It says it on the inside too. I shouldn't have got this Event Horizon reversible t-shirt. Of all days. Or this tattoo. Oh, my God.

Isn't the guy from Fast and Furious An event in Horizon? Or am I thinking No you're thinking Of the Chronicles of Jason Liddick You're right I mean Riddick I've also never seen Fast and Furious

So I wouldn't be able to tell you What? But I was kind of disappointed Let me help you out He was in the Pacifier Vin Diesel is There we are Triple X

There we are Yeah Triple X Is he in Event Horizon? No, I think he's in some Horizon. No, Pitch Black is what you're thinking. Yeah. Okay. Wasn't there some other sequel? I don't know why I also confused this. It wasn't Chronicles of Riddick? That was the sequel.

Oh, there's not some Horizon built in the title or something? I'm fairly certain there's not. We're going to cut all of this out. All of this. Vin Diesel Don't cut that out. Add more in. I'm just going to make that the entire podcast where I try to think of Vin Diesel's name. Vin Diesel really tried to be

a star and he ended up just going back to the Fast and Furious series. I'm still upset that they didn't name the third one Three Fast, Three Furious. And where the hell is Die Hardest? Yeah, Die Hardest. They're making another one. I know. it's called A Good Day to Die Hard

Is it really? Yeah, that's kind of a weird title It's actually a 90 minute Viagra commercial Yeah, a guy just dying with a boner It's a good day to die Real men die with boners Because it comes at time It demands life

I don't know where I'm going with that John McClane, snort this Viagra, I'll kill your family Because it comes at time. It demands life. I don't know where I'm going with that. John McClane, snort this Viagra or I'll kill your family. I guess I'll have to snort it. Never mind. Yeah, so you're working on that film. Well, you have two in the works. And you think you're going to be in Baltimore for a while. Yeah, I can say with certainty I'll probably be here for, I don't know, a long time.

At least years time at least years at least and uh you play music too i saw that you were in um there's like a charm city art space uh video yeah i um i uh i was a member of the all right i'm still a member i've been a member of the charm city art space since 2005 i believe okay local punk rock collective right and it's just a spot where uh you played there didn't you yeah yeah i played there once in my band uh wilford brimley and it was a it was a... You played there, didn't you? Yeah, I played there once in my band, Wilford Brimley. It was a fun show. Did you really have a band called Wilford Brimley?

Yeah. That's awesome, man. I have a song called Wilford Brimley. Oh, man. We should do a podcast on that. Dude, let's do it. Can't wait. I have an uncle named Wilford Brimley.

He's really famous. Oh, my God. He was on the... What was that show called? Opera? Open House or something in the 80s? Or something house. You're a horrible nephew.

He was on the show House. No, the show that Wilford Brimley was on. He owned a house. He owned a house. Wilford Brimley was on a show in the 80s called something house. Little House on the Prairie? No, not Full House. Open House or something.

Our House, that's what it was. Our House. And it had Shannon Doherty and it was a Christian sitcom. That sounds horrible. Yeah. Well, probably. I don't really remember. It's no Family Ties. was our house and it had shannon doherty and it was a christian sitcom that's horrible yeah well i probably i don't really remember but it's no family i can't imagine that it was one of those things where it's like yeah it's christian but it's really good you know like people be like yeah they're a christian band but they're so good you won't even care yeah i can't think of any bands

like that no umar has a good joke about that Creed? About Christian He's like If there's anything Christian whatever It's just a watered down version of the thing That it's trying to be I told him he should He could also use the word public with that too Yeah Yeah so Charm City Arts

But it's like a local spot where bands play And put people on So you were Did you help found it? So did you help found it? I did not help found it. It was started back in, I believe, 2002, was it? Yeah, 2002, because it's 10 years this past weekend. And I joined in 2005 just because I wanted to book shows.

I played in punk bands since I was in high school. And I helped redo the zine library there, I guess, a couple months ago, maybe like four or five months ago at this point. Cool. And, yeah, they do art shows there. Sometimes they have comedians and spoken word nights. Right, right. Are you in a band now?

I am. I'm in two bands. I sing for a fast hardcore band called Charm Offensive. Cool. And then I also play drums in a band that just started. It's called Pure Junk. And it's sort of like a punk, just like general punk band. It's Nolan Strauss. He used to sing for Double Dagger. He's the singer Junk, and it's sort of like a punk, just like general punk band.

It's Nolan Strauss. He used to sing for Double Dagger. He's the singer. Oh, awesome. Alex Fine, who played guitar on the Lexington Arrows. He plays guitar. And I always fucking butcher Ben's last name. Ben Clayson. He writes Dirt Farm, the comic in City Paper.

Oh, wow. So he plays bass. So the whole band was sort of started as a joke of like, we're usually going to call the band The Artist because all of us are like working creative professionals. So we were like, oh, we'll fucking make all the songs about like client relationships and stuff. But that hasn't really come to fruition, but we are a band.

Cool. Do you guys play shows around? I think our first show, we've been playing for like a month or so. Our first show is actually Hamlin Fest, I believe in September. Wow. There might be something in August at Wind Up Space, but yeah, for right now.

Cool, man. Cool. Will, anything else you're involved in? You got your fingers on a lot of pies. Yeah. Yeah?

You also do a lot of stuff. And make sure you wash your hands for yourself. Pizza pies. Hey! I don't know. I'm trying to think what was... I'm trying to think besides that, I have... I don't know. I'm trying to think.

I'm trying to think besides that. I don't know how soon before this drops. I don't know. This isn't blatantly local, so I probably shouldn't talk about local events. Sure, you can. I mean, we have a decent listenership. This won't be out until 2015, though. Well, dude, President's Day, we fucking signed the distribution deal in 2010.

It's still not fucking on DVD. Blue Nash sat on the shelves for two years before being released wow my movie sucks then uh so that's what you're trying to insinuate okay this is a pluto nash of horror this is a pluto nash of abraham lincoln serial killer movies oh man but um fucking yeah yeah so i'm hosting night of uh gross out stories at the wine oh yeah i wanted to ask you about that yeah so like um on august 1st at 9 or 9.30-ish, we're getting together, and we are literally just having open-mic gross stories. So if you have a story about, you know. What day of the week is that?

It's a Wednesday. Okay. And, you know, I'm going up there and invite everyone up to tell really gross, disgusting stories. I think I should tell the pooping my pants story at that. Sure. Dude, do it. Do it. Because there's some really good ones I've heard so far.

Do do it. Oh, man. I can't believe we gave this fucking thing away for free. Jesus Christ. And then the other thing I'm doing is I'm curating a video show for this year's Artscape, which is about, I think, was it next weekend or two weekends from now? Yeah. It's called VHS VIP, and it's about

VHS culture. It's me and my buddy Josh who writes Lunch Meat Magazine, which is a fanzine about videotapes. Basically, I just went through and compiled, for the first time ever, a video mixtape so I went through all these weird videotapes

that I have and just picked up best of clips and it's in this big shipping container designed like a video cassette and we're going to be showing weird movies

when and where is this? at Artscape and I think whenever that is like two weeks from now so yeah like the 28th something like that

yeah yeah yeah so end of July in the Baltimore area do you have like a massive old collection of videotapes? I got some weird shit, man. The things that I'm really happy with in this presentation, I threw some videos in there. Dancing grannies, exercise tape for the elderly.

Dancing grannies? Occultist tendencies in rock music. Occultist tendencies in rock music. It's this lecture about this priest just talking about how Alice Cooper and everyone like that is satanic. I want to see that. It's pretty awesome. Divorce can happen to the nicest people. A cartoon about getting through your parents' divorce.

Have you seen the video Strong Kids, Safe Kids? No, but that sounds great. Oh, it's great. What is that? It's an instructional video hosted by Henry Winkler as the Fonz on how to avoid being molested, basically. And there's songs about penises. Somebody tries to touch you, you go, hey! That could almost be an exact quote.

It's very much like, hey, you're cool, don't get touched. Don't get touched? Yeah, basically, yeah. Don't be a potsy. If you do get touched, you're not cool anymore is what that means. Hey, you're cool. Don't get touched. You don't want to lose it.

Emotional scars are visible. So you're saying coolness is based on anal virginity. To the Fonz, not me. I don't make the rules, Chris. The book's way better than the movie. And yeah, it was based on anal virginity, but it's not the same. He actually does the whole thing as the Fonz? Yeah.

Well, I think in the beginning it's like, hi, I'm Henry Winkler. Now let's throw it over to the Fonz. Hey. But there's like this man singing songs about penises. Yeah, it's like penis. Everybody has a penis. This might have been How old are you Josh?

25 Okay so you might be around the same age 30 Okay In the early 90s Chris is like we're like shooting a porn How old are you? 27

Oh my goodness We got a nice range Grant Shut up That's so mean How old are you, Grant? Grant is 21. Oh, really?

Shut up. Happy birthday. Grant, what are you doing for your birthday? Going home and making cupcakes. He's going home and making cupcakes. He's going home and making cupcakes. Oh, that's awesome. With his girlfriend.

That's awesome. Making cupcakes. So you're in that same sort of era. Do you remember that thing it was called cartoon all-stars to the rescue where it was like it was an anti-drug special and they got all the saturday morning cartoon characters to be in it you're sure you're not talking about cheese to the rescue i'm not familiar with that remember that commercial cheese to the sorry no i don't remember that paid Paid for by the Cheese Council. Oh, man, oh, man.

But yeah, that's an awesome tape. I actually don't even have a copy of that on tape. Yeah, so what is it? It's like the X-Men would be like, hey. It's Garfield, the Chipmunks, the Smurfs, all these characters stop this kid from doing drugs. Wow. It's really cool.

Well, it's not really cool. It's embarrassingly bad, but it's really funny. Show her this. You want to get high? Go hiking. Up a mountain. This guy just keeps going. Like a tall mountain.

Then you'll be high. Well done. Thank you, guys. Come on. You want to get stoned? Go to the Middle East and commit adultery. Fuck, that's good. And be a woman. Just be a woman.

In the Middle East. You'll probably get stoned for something at some point. Just give it time, kids. It'll happen. Oh, shit. So, anything else going on? I'm trying to think. I don't know.

Anything else? That's it? That's all you got? Two feature-length movies? I also discovered a cure for cancer. Boring. Let's get back to pizza. Deep dish? You like deep dish?

I like New York style. Let me ask you this, Chris. What would be your dream project? What movie have you always wanted to do? Okay, I would say, like, well, there's a couple things. I like New York style. Let me ask you this, Chris. What would be your dream project? What movie have you always wanted to do? I would say, well, there's a couple things. I have a romantic comedy script that I would love to make one day. Very John Hughes, like mid-80s John Hughes style. Really?

But it's too big budget for, or not big budget, but it takes place in a Target ripoff store. So I would need to have a department store or whatever. On Mars. On Mars. That's where the money. There's that. I would love to make a film. Honestly, it's really funny, but I keep money. There's that. I would love to make a film. Honestly, it's really funny,

but I keep coming back to this, but I really want to make a love story one day, but you can't make a love story on a micro budget because it's not really marketable. It literally will make no money, and one day I'll probably do that

because I have this idea for a period piece that would take place around the turn of the century in a sideshow carnival. That would be a love story between two freaks. I'm really into,

and there's another thing, another dream project that will never happen, but this is something I would love to do. There's a biography about Todd Browning, the guy who directed Freaks, and Dracula called Dark Carnival. That would be like a dream come true if I could direct a film version of that book. Really? That sounds doable.

Well, are you being serious? Yeah, why not? Well, the guy that actually wrote that book, it would be peer-reviewed, but also the guy who wrote that book, he actually just signed the film rights away a couple years ago, yeah. Well, we got a surprise for you.

We got you those rights. Let loose the confetti. On Ed Browning's corpse. There's like a big chunk of freaks that's missing forever, right? Well, there's like an opening, I think some sort of monologue that was never released. Actually, I was a film projectionist for a while, and I had a 16mm film print of Freaks.

I ended up selling that, which was really dumb of me. But, yeah, I don't know. I think there are a couple scenes. There's also a version of Jaws the Revenge with a voiceover at the beginning that tells you what the shark's doing. Really? Yeah, that's what I did. Swimming around. That shark was always swimming. Is it Morgan Freeman's?

That shark came to the Pacific Ocean in 1918. Get busy swimming or get busy diving. Get busy swimming or get busy diving. Oh, man. A shark comes to Shawshank. Shark shank redemption. Wow. I can just picture him sitting on the roof in the sunlight as all the other inmates are drinking the beer that he got for him.

That shark sat there like a free man. And then at the end of the movie it just says Finn. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. Shark shake. I had to take the bait. Wow.

I think we've got the principons in there. On my set, they call me the Punisher. I'm not even joking. I like that. The Pun call me the Punisher. I'm not even joking. That's true. Big Punisher. I don't care. Enlightening round? We never got to the enlightening round.

This is something we're going to try to work out on the show. Do the enlightening round. Normally, we're going to try to do it in the show, do the enlightening round. Normally we're going to try to do it in the beginning of the show, but it's going to be the lightning round because it's just

some quick questions, but it'll also be enlightening because we're going to learn something about our guests. Okay. I think we've learned a lot, but there's just a few loose ends that need

to be tied up. Uh-huh. All right. Can you give Mike Moran a ride to his improv rehearsal tonight? Where is it and when? Next question. Oh, crap.

Oh, wait. Here it is. What's your favorite non-horror movie? Harold and Maude. Go to White Castle? No. All right. Josh, where did you get those glasses?

I got these from a glass store right by the Asian Mart in Catonsville. I don't know what it's called. It was LensCrafters, but it changed to someplace called American Lenses or something. Oh, okay. Buddha or Nietzsche? I think Nietzsche for the kitsch value. Yeah, I knew you'd say that. Gouda or Feta?

Feta. Now here's the classic. Boxers or UFC fighters? UFC fighters, dude. All right, well, I think we'll end on that one. I got one more. All right, here we go. Now, was Was As some believe

H.P. Lovecraft Really inspired by Actual ancient gods To write his books In a very meta Kind of way Have you heard that theory before? I have

Not that it's really a theory No I have really heard that theory before And no I disagree with that completely H.P. Lovecraft's a really interesting guy And I feel like I've gotten really close with him After doing all that research Like I feel like I understand his mindset A whole lot more Oh so you're a racist interesting guy, and I feel like I've gotten really close with him after doing all that research. I feel like I understand his mindset a whole lot more.

Oh, so you're a racist. I didn't say I agree with him on everything. I also think he's a product of the time. I don't think he'd be racist if he was writing today. I think he was more racist than was normally socially acceptable even for that time. I agree with you. More racist than the norm. This is a whole other podcast talking about lovecraft um but uh i think i think the thing was hb lovecraft was very

sheltered and very insecure about his own identity as a man and i think that's uh probably why his his fear of like like i think he was really actually i think he was actually very scared of sexuality in general too yeah he sounds like he may have been gay uh it's possible but also there's a there's a diary of his his wife that said she knew how he knew how to like she his his wife's diary was found and she's like said like he knows how to please a woman or whatever right he probably wrote that maybe he might have he probably had very dainty handwriting because he was a gay he handles my vagina quite well it is the best it's like written like Lovecraft like 20 words to say one

say great the horrible and unspeakable acts that he is my cavernous hole of things which of this world should not be known and I think his fear of sexuality

is in this work that's very down on humanity, very depressing and morbid and slimy and gross. And the funny thing is, too, I will say this in relationship to Call Girl Cthulhu, because we didn't talk about that at all. The two things that are the tenets of prostitution, female sexuality and money, there's very few females in all of Lovecraft's work, and he never talks about money. Really? It is a work. Interesting. So doing this film and being Lovecraft-inspired, those two elements were really sort of weird right through the lens of Lovecraft, because they're just not in his work at all. You should really get in touch with the HP Podcraft guys. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you. Yeah, yeah.

I totally will. Totally will. Cool. Sweet street. I would ask more questions, but I don't know much about HP Lovecraft at all. Well, in honor of Lovecraft, the less you know, the better off you are. So maybe you do. Okay.

Now explain to us the social implications of the story of The Outsider, Josh. Well, a lot of things going on there. Really? Huh.

I would have thought it was kind of a simple story. Yeah, I think the characters are, they certainly learn a thing or two about themselves. There's only really one.

Are you saying The Outsider is introspective? That's exactly what I'm saying, Chris. I'm glad you mentioned that. This is like that improv game where you're giving a eulogy but you don't know who you're giving the eulogy for. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, like everybody else decides who you're giving the eulogy for.

And you come out and you start talking about this person. And when you get something that's hot, then they're like, oh, yeah. And when it's cold, they're like, mm-mm. And you have to keep going until you guess who you're giving you. Man, I want to do improv. You should, man. Yeah, you should.

Sign up. I'm sure you'll be good at it. I doubt it, but thank you. You're a funny guy. Yeah. Looks on everything, though. No. It's all good.

All right, but if we could talk about HP desktop for a minute. You mean HP inkjet? Yes. All right. Oh, my gosh. HP TV. HP. What is that?

HP TV. We could talk about HP TV for a while. I have it. Mike, now you're saying. Follow-up question. Chris, do you have HP TV? Not that I have it. Mike, now you're saying. Follow-up question, Chris. Do you have HPV? Not that I know of.

Okay. But the night is young. Oh, ladies. It's all good. All right. Should we wrap this thing up? Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up so we don't get HPV.

HPV craft. That's a mobile test. HPV testing unit. I think we just got a title for HPV. HPV craft. That's a mobile test. HPV testing unit. I think we just got a title for HPV craft. You just stuck on your car, Dad. I was cruising in the HPV craft. Oh, shit. Well, Chris, thanks so much for being on the show.

Thanks, Mike. I really appreciate it. Come back anytime, man. You're at Hamptonite. Yeah, it's like 3 a.m. tonight. Is that cool? Yeah, please do. Please do.

I'll just leave the mics. I'll leave them hot. I'll leave my computer running. Front door open. Of course. What am I, an idiot? Fly on tip. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. My pants will be around my ankles for sure. That's what we're talking about, right? Right? Yeah. All right, well, yeah, so you have the Artscape thing going on at the end of the month. What's it called?

That's called VHS VIP. And then I also have the I Could Puke, A Night of Gross Out Stories, August 1st, 9 p.m. at the Wine Up Space. Cool, and is that free? Yeah, both are free. Awesome, and anybody can just show up and tell stories absolutely the grosser the better

we gotta go to that that sounds awesome yeah they're all true stories right? yeah they should be all true stories now not that I know of

but I know a lot of liars so we'll see alright cool man yeah but seriously come back anytime when the film's coming together awesome thanks guys

the movies look great by the way thanks I really appreciate it Chris gave us copies. Yeah, yeah. They look really good. Thanks, man.

I was expecting, like, you know, lower quality kind of, you know. I didn't know you were so good, honestly. You're really freaking good. Thank you. I appreciate that, Mike. That's sort of a compliment. No, it is.

No, I just, you know, like, you need someone who makes, like, local movies, you know, like, you don't expect them to be... They look really professional and just really well. Thanks, dude. Awesome, man.

Awesome. Well, Mike, what do you got going on, feller? This will probably drop in a couple weeks. Let me see here. Let's see. We're doing improv on Saturday. This will have... Oh, right.

That'll have passed. It's like a week, week and a half maybe this will be out So focus on like Mid to late July See I'm doing Wham City August 28th Which as far as I know is not late July Fantastic

Other than that I don't really have much Honestly I might be doing the next Chuckle Storm which is not this Friday but the next okay but I'm not sure

to Dan and Alex but yeah it's usually every Tuesday at Auto Bar but that's it's been kind of wonky

as of late so cool man well what about you I got an improv show this Friday but that will have

passed as well. Keep you posted on that. Working on a web series with Alex Broslowski that we're hoping will come together. It's going to be called That's My Spider, I believe. More details to come on that.

Is that a web series? Yeah. They're going to be web that. Is that a web series? Yeah. Exactly. Man. They're going to be webisodes. I feel like I've been decrowned. Yeah. I feel like the freaking

French Revolution just guillotined me. Yeah. He's got a leg up on you. About eight of them. I tried hard on that one. I tried. It was really good.

The director of the new Spider-Man movie is named like Bill Webb or something. Really? Yeah. Bill Webb directed the new Spider-Man? is named Bill Webb or something. Really? Yeah. Bill Webb directed the new Spider-Man? It's something Webb. Oh.

Yeah. But there are lots of good puns on that set. Like, hey, Webb Slinger. That's probably what the craft service guy said. Farts and all. Farts. That's what his business is called. Craft service and farts and all. Farts and all. It's written in beautiful calligraphy. That's what his business is called. Craft services.

Farts and all. He's written in beautiful calligraphy. Yeah, stay posted for that. Follow us on Twitter at digsashpod, at betterrobotjosh. We have Digression Sessions shirts available, so email me. Check out the website, digressionsessions.com. We'll get a special sleeveless one for our guest here.

Just keep listening out there. Tell a friend, everybody. Give us those reviews. And then they tell two friends. And then they tell one friend because they're an asshole and can't do anything completely thoroughly. We're talking to you again, Carl, you fucking idiot. Get more fucking friends.

Jesus Christ. We weren't eating Cheetos all the time. Stupid idiot. Check out digressionsessions.com. It's not easy being Cheetos. Get our merch. Oh, yeah, we have stickers and all that shit, too. Email me, and I'll send you some.

Chris, thanks for being on the show. Thanks so much for coming over. Grant Lindahl's been sketching us the whole time. Is this going to be like OJ Court style? Oh, wow, it is. Cool. Looks really good. Oh, awesome.

Thanks, man. We'll put it up on the website, and that's going to be in your next installment of My Expensive Hobby, Volume 2. Where can you find that exactly? I was looking for it. It's on your website. Yeah, check out digressionsessions.com. All right. Cool.

Grant, you're on Twitter as well? Is it at... It's like GV... GVTV. Okay. Cool, man. So essentially all your information is on our site. Yeah, go to digressPV. Okay. Okay. Cool, man. So essentially all your information is on our site. Yeah, go to

digressionsessions.com. Your Facebook page is on our site. All Grant Lindahl related news. Digital business cards on our site. Yep.

All right, cool. Thanks so much, guys. Thanks, everybody. Rock and roll. Eat my burrito. Eat my burrito. It's all good Thank you. you you......... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...... apparently it's what

Alex Broslowski got a hold of Angels in the Infield oh I remember that with like Christopher Lloyd it's Angels in the Outfield I think right or is there a sequel called Angels in the Infield yeah it has David Allen Greer and the guy who played Putty on Seinfeld

and I don't think it was released we didn't look it up but there was like some weird demo copy. Weird. Wow. Very strange. Yeah. So I just love that they're like, guys, we had angels in the outfield.

I think we forgot something, fellas. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, boss? The bullpen. I mean, infield. The infield. Yeah. The infield. I remember, I think, like, the first, like, funny joke.

The first, like, joke that I was aware of as a child that I, like, repeated a bunch of times was, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Well, I don't know what you're thinking. I saw that on, like, some show, and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. That's the joke? Yeah. Like, how do I know what you're thinking? Oh.

Not much of a punchline on that one. I was like, four. Let's work on it. We're going to work on it. I'm not suggesting this for a bit. Let's try to work on that one, Mike. I don't know. So I asked the audience, do you guys know what I'm thinking?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? You can't possibly know what I'm thinking. So the answer should have been no, not yes. Come on, folks. So what else is going on? Is this thing on? If I was a psychic, that would be my Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I smell a sketch here. Really? Because I smell asbestos Alright How do I know what you're smelling?