The Digression Sessions - Ep. 48 - Jenn Tisdale (Returns) (Again!)

Episode Date: August 27, 2012

“It’s a Jenn Tisdale…Out in the Wild!” Hola Digheads! This week Mike and Josh are joined by comedian and serial tweeter, Jenn Tisdale! Jenn Tisdale's comedic style involves a bit of sarcasm, a thimble full of dryness, and a dash of inappropriateness in order to create the greatest melting pot of comedy since America's inception! She can be seen at local clubs and colleges around the Baltimore/D.C. area. Ms. Tisdale will be performing on September 6, 2012 at the Color Me Funny Comedy at Delia Foley’s in Baltimore.   We also discuss a number of topics for this episode including, but not limited to: Pooping in the woods, crypt keeper puppet, people born in the 90s, Halloween costumes, STP, the twitters, Gary Sinise and the Lt. Dan Band, when to answer friend requests, some movie talk, and so much more!   Have something to say about this ep? Or do you have anything else Digression Sessions related / unrelated to say? Should we create a Podcasting With Friends app?!?! Say it on our forum!! DigressionSessions.com !! PLEASE rate, subscribe, and provide a nice comment on the iTunes!! It’ll help the podcast climb the charts! Follow us on the Twitters:  @DigSeshPod @BetterRobotJosh @MichaelMoran10 @Jenn_Tisdale RATE AND SUBSCRIBE! WANT A SHIRT? EMAIL JOSH – [e-mail]

Welcome to the Digression Sessions podcast, everybody. Hola, hola, hola. I am one half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Josh Cornelius Coderna. Sitting to my right, the other half of your favorite pair of earbuds, Michael Caesar Moran. How the hell are you, everybody? On this episode, we have comedian Jen Tisdale making her return to the sandy shores of the Dig Sesh

for a super fun episode. She'll be performing September 6th at the Color Me Funny show at Delia Foley's. Go check her out. It'll be a good deal, yeah. Baltimoreia Foley's. Go check her out. Yeah. It'll be a good deal, yeah. Baltimore. For your money. You will be pleased.

Also on Tuesday, August 28th, The Dig Sessions' own Mike Moran will be performing at the Wham City Comedy Night at Liam Flynn's Ale House starting at 8 p.m. Going to be a super fun show. The last ones have been awesome. Yep. It's always a good time there. And this is tough one, Dighead. This is Sophie's choice of comedy nights in Baltimore. If you can, make it out to the free-range comedy show at Alewife in Baltimore,

hosted by Dig Sesh veteran Ian Brown and CJ Studdeth. It's a super fun show. So if you can't make it out to the Wham City one, go to the Free Range Comedy Show. It's all about how you like your comedians. Organic or filled with preservatives. You know what they are both? They have ale in the title. Ale House, Ale Life.

I don't know if I trust any bar that has the word ale in the title. What would you like? Anything. Well, the possibilities are endless. Just not ale. Well, that's beer and ale. Right. But they don't...

Any bar with the word ale in the title, I make presumptions about. They'll cure what ails you. Right? This is a good episode, Dig Heads. Yeah, so please do enjoy the episode. There'll be fecal matters, don't worry. Lots of fecal.

Keep those iTunes reviews coming. If Jen has to poop in the woods and you're wondering what she does, she'll tell you. You're about to find out. You're about to find out. Follow us on Twitter at DigSeshPod. Follow Mike at BetterRobotJosh. Follow me at MichaelMoran10. We have a bunch of stickers and stuff, so just message us and we'll ship them out to you for free if you want.

They're free. They're free and fantastic. All right. We love you, Dippets. Thanks, everybody. Enjoy. Can people stop being born in the 90s? I'm really tired of that.

That's awful. Yeah, well, the 90s are done, so they're not going to be born in the 80s. Can we go back to being born in the 80s or the 70s? Thank you, Jen. You're welcome. Thank you. Are we recording? Yeah.

Okay, cut. Edit out the... I'm glad you're the editor all of a sudden. Yeah. Anything else you want us to do or not do? I have such a list. Where do I... Start with little kids.

We'll start with my Twitter feed. No. Here's a funny joke that Anthony Jeselnik made about the thing that happened in New York today. What happened in New York today? Some people got shot at the Empire State Building. It was like 13 people

got shot. Yeah, like on the observation deck. And then Anthony Jeselnik, who I love, just tweeted that's how sleep was in Seattle. Should have ended. And I'm like, I get that because I'm 32. I saw that tweet. It took me a second.

I had no idea what it meant. Let's talk about the shooting. What happened? It was on the observation deck? I think so. Which is crazy because you think they'd have metal detectors. I thought he shot people in the lobby You have a computer in front of you

We don't have to live in this mystery anymore I'm pretty sure Because he was gunned down on the street Which I hate when that happens There's no justice I'm glad that Holmes kid Didn't get a chance to blow his head off The Batman kid

Aurora Borealis Have there been any copycats yeah what have there been any copycats with the batman guy there were a lot of violent acts that came almost directly after that like that thing at the sikh temple and all these other right and then of course there was a mustang from megadeth saying that ob secretly orchestrated all of this to push his own gun control. There's a YouTube video of him saying he was in Singapore. He's like, I live in a country where my fucking president's trying to steal my gun. Oh, yeah, I think I did see that.

Faking all these shootings. Well, me, it's been nice talking to myself. I'm like, well, Megadeth, you're on tour in Singapore. So if that says anything about your core audience, then... Alright, they don't understand what he's saying. They're like, yay! Okay! Hot dog! Yes, yes!

Hot! Do you guys remember that magazine Hot Dog? No. You do not. It was like a little kid's magazine that you get in like first grade. I don't know, this sounds like a weird... It had an exclamation point. Sounds like a weird molesty thing.

Hot dog magazine for kids? I remember what was that little thing you got and you could it had books in it and you could pick the books that you wanted.

The library? No. Pick the books? Choose your own adventure? No, no, no. It was like a thing almost like a double day book thing for kids.

You'd open it up and you'd have like all these books you could order. Your parents would order. The book festival or whatever? Sort of, but you'd open it up and you'd have like they'd have these books you could order your parents would order festival or whatever but you'd order them what was it somebody brought someone referenced that the other day and i was like oh god i remember like viciously circling probably viciously i did a lot of vicious things were real vicious for me when i was nine god i do remember that being a glorious day when the when the box

the box of books yeah yeah oh god one time one time i like one time i kissed it because i thought it would be funny and like everybody just thought it was really weird what about a book it did you guys ever do that with pizza oh yeah like oh yeah no got my own personal pan yeah there were enough books that you read you got uh a pin from pizza hut right get your own personal pan. It started being holographic after a while. Yeah, those are really cool. When it started with me, they were not. Yeah, that became a big thing in the early 90s too.

Holographs. There were tons of comics. Album covers. Remember the Tool album cover that had moving eyeballs? Oh, the guy sucking his own dick too. I remember that. What? Are you sure that's a thing that was available for children?

Yeah. It was in the Book It series. Kids, man. These 90s kids, man. Stop being born in the 90s, you guys. You can't do that with a Kindle. What's the deal? That's Josh's new catchphrase.

You can't do that with a Kindle. It's like you're the new Andrew Dice Clay of the Kindle world. Cook eggs on a motorcycle. Can't do that with a Kindle. Like, yeah. And the whole crowd's holding up iPads. There's your T-shirt. Hey, guys, I'm selling this T-shirt at my show.

And then what you do is you could write on it and you could wash it off so it'll be a blank thing you just write something underneath it'll say can't do that with a kindle yeah whatever you want we should that would be really funny to like have a catchphrase that's like completely like insignificant within your set you know just like something that's that's every time you make a joke can't do that with a Kindle. I don't even. After the abortion joke, can't do that with a Kindle. Then you just put in a seamless plug for audible.com or a nook. Right, yeah.

But you know what you can do with a Kindle? You can go to audible.com right now. Remember I used to do the country cooking ads on stage? Who used to do country cooking ads? I did. Oh, I never see it. I'm like, who did that? Yeah, it was short-lived because most people didn't know what the hell I was doing. You're sitting right next to him.

Yeah, we should say right behind you. He's in the house. That's why I've been flashing the high beams. He's in the house. He's podcasting right behind you. The Kindle came from in the house. Oh, my God. In the M. Night Shyamalan movie, it was a nook the entire time.

Oh, God. You know, speaking of M. Night Shyamalan. Shyamalan. Shyamalan. I had a layover in Philly when I went to Europe. Some fancy. Uh-huh. And I didn't know he was from Philadelphia until I was on the walkway and there were 10,000

M. Night Shyamalan posters. That just said, I'm from Philadelphia. They spelled out together, they were like those 3D dolphin things and I was like, I can see his face. 3D dolphin things. Remember those things you'd stare at at the mall and you'd have to slightly cross your eyes? Yeah, I could only see those backwards. It was like, a dolphin, a ship, and I'm like, these are the

worst. Yeah, they were really boring but you got excited. I wouldn't want to see that on a regular painting. Now I've got to cross my eyes and wait ten minutes to see a fucking dolphin? Thanks. It's a twig. And it's really just the outline of a dolphin. Just like a kid cut out a dolphin and put it on. Right.

But I would always see them backwards. Do you have some sort of thing? I want to say dyslexia, but that's not what that does. I have vision dyslexia. Visionlexia? Let's call it lexia luther okay this is like i did i could do the magic eye thing if i took my time but i found a way to do it quickly by like crossing my eyes by burning it setting fire to it that was fast but it would be backwards like i'd see a like a piece of paper with like a dolphin cut out of it oh so you so you'd see the negative space.

Is that what you're saying? The negative space. It's like everything in life for me. That's an artist term. The negative space. That's what I call my soul. The negative space. That's Mike's fault, too.

Sorry, I was listening to Morrissey on the way here, obviously. Oh, right. Bill Morrissey? Yeah. Bill Morrissey? Yeah, he does those beach songs. Hanging on the pier with my crab. Yeah, he does those beach songs. Hanging on the pier with my crab.

Sorry, continue. I was just going to say that. What about Bill Morrissey, the political artist? Anybody? Come on. They're saying Bill Morrissey and I'm like, ugh, that guy. It's all good. But I noticed

they had other posters as well And I wanted to write a joke about how the one poster They didn't have in Philadelphia was Philadelphia And I'm like What's wrong you guys don't like AIDS here in Philadelphia That's not you're not into that Because of all the posters about Philadelphia You'd think that'd be the one that'd be like

We don't want to be too obvious but this one's called Philadelphia So nope They just love those twists with the shamal on. What about Boyz II Men? ABC, BBD, East Coast Family. Those guys are just a bunch of kids growing up.

What was the coming soon? Remember at the bottom of the video? There was a to be continued? Yeah, it was like a coming soon. Something, something, something, something. They never explained what it was like the which video oh there was like a to be continued yeah it was like a coming soon there's something something something something and they never explained what it was it was like some big are you talking about ice cubes today was a good day no that was never continued thanks for that supposed to be continued it was supposed to be continued it's like to be

continued i think at the end of that video did you see that somebody figured out the day he was talking about which day was good it was it was. There's got to be a teacher for that. It was like April. Can't put that on a Kindle. Right? Was it April 20th? Come on. No, I think it was sometime in 1994 because they took all the clues. But they had it April 20th in 1994. Was it the day Dallas ended?

I don't think so. I've got the internet here. I'm still looking up this Empire State Building thing. That was a leap decade. Oh, no. They had to get high on another dare. Oh, boy. And then I got. Got what? What? Go ahead. Oh, no. They had to get high on another dare. Oh, boy. And then I got...

Got what? What? Go ahead. I was going to say... You got pie? You got pie. That would be my good day. You just didn't want to rhyme?

My good day was I got pie. Hey, don't get high. Get pie. She doesn't have any friends. And that'll be... That one. Yeah. That should be like a math saying from a math teacher.

Don't get high. Don't get high. Get pie. She turns that song, and then I got pi, and then I got pi, and then I got pi. 3.14. That was the... And the parents are like,

isn't that a song for something? Right. She's like, that's fine. Because then I got rye. Oh. Was there a radio edit of it because I got high? Oh, and then I got a stye.

Yeah. It'd be an anti-pink eye. And then I told lies. Uh-huh. Then I watched True Lies. Right right and then i um and then i just died and then i just died and then i just died and then i just died so we should say on the podcast everybody comedian jen tisdale hi you're like who is that mystery voice who is that mysteries remember those book series they would sell on tv like ancient mysteries Mystery voice. Who is that? Key and S, Estachika. Mysteries.

Remember those book series they would sell on TV? We love them. Ancient Mysteries. The Sphinx. Being psychic. Spontaneous human combustion. On eight CD-ROMs. You uncover the mystery that is the Sphinx.

I think the Insane Clown Posse video was just like a compilation of the flip. My friend Andrew Bucket has a good joke. Is there any sort of clown posse that's not insane? That's a good joke. That's a good joke. That's a good-ass joke. That's a good-ass joke right there. Did you just Jason Weems it?

I did. Did he do the podcast? He did the podcast, didn't he? It was great. It was a while ago, though. He's the best. I love him. Sorry you traded down for me. No, no, no. We can have both. It's not a zero was a while ago. He's the best. I love him. Sorry you traded down for me.

No, no, no. We can have both. It's not a zero-sum game. Jen's a big fan of the podcast. She listens. I do. At least she purports to listen. I just said you guys had Jason Weems on here.

You think I made that up? Who else have we had on? You said you guys had him on the podcast, didn't you? I'm sure you had FNAZA on 10,000 times, right? If you can say like four 10,000. But I remember. Seems like it to me. La Martina. One of the last times I saw Jen If you can say like four 10,000. But I remember... One of the last times I saw

Jen Tisdale, she's like, oh, you guys had Blockhead. What was that like having him in? And I was like, well, it was on the phone. And you're like, oh, yeah, I knew that. Yeah, I know. It was a little awkward, but it was okay. We're getting Brian Johnny.

I didn't say I'd listen to every word of it and now tell me what it okay you did say that you had a transcript that you wanted me to sign I say you can't do that on a Kindle a callback a callback calling it back it's a sarcastic you know we're acknowledging the callback yeah medical yeah we don't want to debate they're doing the callback. Yeah, meta call. Because if we just call back, people will be like, they're doing a callback. They're not acknowledging it. Right. Let's avoid the meta and let's avoid the poopy pants talk. All right.

So no meta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we did a bunch of that. No feces. Well, let's talk about last time Jen was here, we talked about shitting our pants. I've never done it yet. I'm just wondering, how's it going? Have you guys shit your pants since the podcast?

No, I don't think so. Not in my pants, but I've done it publicly outside. I went for a run, and I've done it. Again? You pooped yourself last time? No, I don't poop myself. Literally, when I run, and at this point, I'm sure it's psychosomatic because there's a certain section

of the woods, by the woods where I run regularly in my hometown. And you just poop there? And that's my regular pooping spot. So I think even if I don't... Is that normal? I don't think so.

Can we get an exact location on that? What do you wipe with? Diggheads. Look for Jen pooping. Do you have your own stash behind the log? No, I've started to get really overly prepared, so I bring a plastic bag and some toilet paper.

So you take it home with you? No, to put the used toilet paper in. Oh, I see. She's not going to litter. So they're going to take that home with you? Well, I put it in the toilet when I get there. I mean, I don't dump the plastic. So half of your run is done with a bag.

You haven't met any romantic partners while running, have you? I haven't met any romantic partners while doing anything. Where you're holding poopy toilet paper. I mean, that's not what I'm going to eat. You must look so crazy when you're running with a bag. Like what? I didn't want to throw it in the woods. You're just all sweaty.

You just escape from the woods. You guys, don't worry about it. I have heard that running can really make people... Hey guys, don't go in there. In where? The woods. Just don't go in the woods. Stay away from nature. You saw Deliverance, right? Then it's weird when you're out in the woods

and then it suddenly smells like shit. Have you noticed that? No, I don't. It's probably because Jen Tisdale goes running through there first and last name at a lake just drinking like oh it's a jen tisdale yeah they were like following it like uh on one of those national geographic checks i just i can see that yes so funny So funny. Let's make that. Yeah.

I do the same thing when I, when I run on my elliptical, you should in a bag and then side. And then, well, no, no, I shit on the crown and I put the toilet paper in the bag and then I put

in the toilet when I go upstairs, leave the toilet. We're not going to keep talking about this, but I will say that we're not talking about that. But right. We want to talk about g loves josh oh god you can talk about my butt but uh no no i usually have like a short like something with pockets right for example okay like or i'm thinking of and and forgive the pun a fanny pack might be

in my future yeah i could just tuck it right tuck it i hope you tell that to the fanny pack salesman too. How much shit stained toilet paper do you think this fanny pack will? I don't need to put my keys in there. Maybe a double. So what did you do before you had the foresight to bring toilet paper with you?

I would just shake a little bit and then be miserable for the remaining... Sure, right. Shake a little bit. Why not use a leaf like our ancestors have done since the beginning of time? Because I am terrified of poison ivy. I can't identify it.

Pine. Everything has three leaves in its shower. Right? I mean, it's ridiculous. You know in the Koran it talks about using pebbles to wipe your butt and that you have to. Did you put the pebble in and then kind of twist it around? I't know the people that the podcast i was listening to the first question was like

like don't they have leafs yeah it's not a zero-sum game jim people can listen to more than one podcast or not whatever all boats rise with the tide jen do you guys want to talk about halloween even though it's August? Yeah, absolutely. Bring it on. Halloween in August. I thought of a costume already. I was watching. That's how you have to do it, though. You got to be prepared. I'm really prepared. It sneaks up

on you. Well, as noted by my runs, more puns. I'm really prepared. Runs DMC. Anyway, we should do a pun run. If La Martina comes, then he's the master. He's the pun master. I told him that the Crypt Keeper was a spirit animal. Because if you watch Tales from the Crypt, that guy's all jokes and puns.

I used to be so scared of that puppet when I was like seven years old. I would try to get out of the room before it got into the basement. Yeah, where he would come out of the casket. I thought it was so creepy. I owned every season, if you ever want to borrow them. I owned all seven. But he's just a hacky comedian. Yeah, he was.

He's just a hacky. He's like, take my life, please. You know, in the comics, there's a cryptkeeper, a vaultkeeper, and a witch. That's why if you watch the credits, it'll say Taken From, and then it's not always Tales from the Crypt comic. Anyway, you want to get to your Halloween costume.

I'm watching Reservoir Dogs. Right now? Yeah, I'd appreciate if you'd turn off your Kindle. Can't do that on Kindle. Come on! Stuck in the middle with Jen There you go I decided that even though

I was going to have to spend all night Explaining my costume That I was going to dress as Michael Madsen In that scene Just black suit or whatever And carry around a bloody ear Right All night

Yeah you should bring a blade too Yeah and a switchblade He uses a switchblade And maybe a gas Yeah I'm going to memorize the dance Because I'll have my phone And I can just do some YouTube anytime I want. Maybe a gas can because remember, he starts to throw the gasoline on. So it'll be like, you know, just me and the bloody ear.

How are you going to get your hair? Well, that's the thing. I'm not going to not do all that. I don't want to slick it back and be creepy like Robert Palmer, addicted to love girls. Like, you know, but I think that I don't mind explaining all night. You know, he died. I do know that. That was the first concert I ever saw.

It was a crippling, crippling love addiction. Finally, girls on stage doing that. I don't remember. It was at King's Dominion. My mom had taken me and I was five guys. I said his crippling love addiction finally took him down. I don't get it. Come on.

Because he's addicted to love. I get it. Thank you. What was the other song? It was simply irresistible thank you and that and which is sort of the same thing so you're just one addicted to love i'm like you're so full of yourself and then he it's even the same video and then there was a third one they did a third girl one but it wasn't there was some like it um not some like it hot some like it hot yeah but you can't tell haha and then he had the drums. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Set up.

Was it like a redux of the Some Like It Hot song? Like the, is that, wait, are we thinking of the Buster Point? Buster Point next year? No, no, no, no. From the New York Dolls? Yes, the guy from the New York Dolls. Yeah, that was Hot, Hot, Hot. And that song's been done by many people.

Yeah, that was really weird. The guy that was in Scrooged. And that song's been done by many people. Yeah, that was really weird. The guy that was in Scrooged. He played the Ghost of Christmas Past. That was Buster Poindexter. He played the Ghost of Christmas Past. What's his real name? Isn't it Buster Poindexter? No, when he's in the New York Dolls, it was something else.

Oh, I don't remember. I'm old, but not that old. Yeah, me too. So what's new with you guys? Do you have Halloween costume ideas yet? I was Amanda and I are big into Bob's Burgers You said this last year

And we didn't do it Exactly I think she had to I think she had to work or something But I was thinking about being Bob And I don't know if she She wants to be She wants to be Louise

I don't watch the show Well she wants to be Bob's wife. Her costume or what she wears isn't much, so the costume would suck. It's just like an orange sweater and glasses, and I don't think people would get it. Well, you'd have to explain it all night like me. Yeah, that's like the worst costume. Like, hey, so what are you? He's supposed to be, man.

And then you're like, hey, Michael Madsen stuck in the shuffle. Oh, come on. Once I explain it, people will be like, oh, Michael Madsen stuck in the chuckle. Once I explain it, people will be like, oh yeah, because just carrying around a bloody ear all night, that's going to be awesome. I'm thinking about being Ted Danson's character from Getting Even With Dad. When people go, cool costume. Yeah, costume.

And then just grip the ear. Hold it close to your heart. It would be great if I could find somebody to be the cop. But then you'd have to be strapped to a chair all the time. Why is that a juicy little word for you? Cop. Cop. The cop.

What do you call it? A cop. It's a sheep cop. Cop sheep. Life is hard. Sheep that's a cop. So, yeah, that's what I have so far as Bob's Burgers. I would like to do.

Are you guys married to a couple idea or what? No, we're not married to it, but it's easier sometimes. You know. It could go Bert and Ernie, but I feel like it's a little played out. A little lame. That's all I got. You could be

Siskel and Ebert. One of them's dead. What's his face? Then you'd have to remove your jaw or whatever. What's his half of face? Come on. Terrible jokes. I'm going to hell. You could be Plato and Aristotle.

You could be Bill and Ted. Oh, Bill and Ted would be good. She's blonde now. And you kind of have Keanu hair. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. And that'd be awesome because Bill has the fake wild style. He made it himself.

The wild stallions cut off teeth. Yeah. So I should have to be your lady. You could be the lead singer of the Spin Doctors and she could be the black bassist. You could be the spin and she could be the doctor. You could both be the guys from the Proclaimers. Yeah, that's a great idea. You and I should do that actually. Because they were the same guy could both be the guys from The Proclaimers. Yeah, that's a great idea. You and I should do that, actually.

I don't know what The Proclaimers. I would walk 500 miles. Was that in singles? Which 90s film was that in? Was it in singles? I think so. That's the one with Keira Sedgwick and Matt Dillon. I do remember MTV would tell you if it was from a movie,

it would have a big long credit thing at the beginning. Remember, it'd be like band, song name, album title. You're talking about the MTV that plays music videos. No, I'm talking about the MTV that plays 16 and Pregnant. You know they still have the Video Music Awards. Isn't that weird? For what? For the three videos they squeeze in between reality shows i watched it a couple years ago and it was like the same artists as the last

time i had watched him tv like 10 years ago it was like pink britney spears yeah i'm surprised the rock column doesn't change i think i think foo fighters just win every year because like you're a rock band all right yeah not much change. Maybe give it to Lincoln Park here and there. You got to throw in a Lincoln. Now that Chad Kroger and Avril Lavigne are getting married, maybe you guys could be Chad Kroger. Chad Kroger from Nickelback? Yeah.

Really? Weird. Isn't he way older than her? She should be Chad Kroger. Yeah, I think so. Right. You ever shop at Chad Kroger? Uh-huh.

Good deals on ice cream. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. You think they'll go through the nickel back door on there? Ew. On the old honeymoon. I just hope she doesn't say, see you later, boy. Skater boy.

Is she a skater boy? I don't remember. That's her song. Are they really getting married? I thought it was the guy from Sum 41. They were already married and divorced now. They got married? They were married and she's gone.

That's a thing for the Gossip married? Welcome to Gossip Talk. She's Canadian. That makes sense. She wants to be with her people, her tribe. I think BuzzFeed had some... It was a history of people Avril Lavigne's dated and it's just a bunch of people in bands. And one of Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriends as well.

Did you know the song You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette is actually about Fatty Arbuckle? Really? No, Dave Coulier. Cut it out. Cut it out. You are out of control. Mike, what are you going to be wearing for Halloween? You know, actually,

I remember my roommate Chris and his brother, we had the idea of being the three fellas from Full House at one point. The three fellas? Who was going to be Jesse? I think I should be since I'm the cool rocker. Yeah?

But I'm also the comedian. Oh, so then you have to be Saget. But remember Saget? No. Oh. Cooley. Dave Cooley. Bob Saget.

Oh, you met on the show. That's right. He was a comedian on the show. He was? Yeah. Well, he had the cartoon thing that he did, the moose. Yeah. What the hell was that?

No, he was a woodchuck. And he'd be like, is it made out of wood? Oh, yeah. It was like wood. There's some awful boys. He's terrible. Here's a funny Dave Coulier story. Not really funny.

He's dead. Sorry. Moving on. When he first started on the Twitters, everyone was like, oh it's dave coulier he's on twitter this is great as if this was like the thing we've been waiting for our entire life yeah clean comedy bring it in and i followed him and apparently i i think when you're verified because you know on in the twitter world you can direct message somebody but only when you're following each other yes but i found out when i tweeted something about um going to see uh matthew sweet and it was when what is that comic uh that's like

the 420 comic and he's always high and he does a podcast yep doug benson saw that tweet and was like i'd like to go to that show because it was when he was doing his podcast at the at baltimore comedy factory right but he had direct messaged me that and I couldn't direct message back because he doesn't follow me because he's never going to change his followers because he follows 420 people. So I learned that thing. People that are really obsessed with the

number 420 can not talk to me. I do like Doug Benson though. I think he does it as a joke. He was really funny and nice. He seemed really into going to this Matthew Sweet show and I was like, yeah, you'll be podcasting, so you can't. But Dave Coulier, I followed him, and then he DM'd me, hey, maybe you could just retweet or say something about me and get more followers.

And so I tweeted at him, hey, Dave Coulier, it's really cool of you to DM me and ask me to get you more followers when you haven't even followed me back. Oh. Did you sign it with Cut It Out? Yeah. I was like, you're out of control. Hashtag Cut It Out. Hashtag. asked me to get you more followers when you haven't even followed me back oh and he like did you sign it with cut it out yeah i was like you're out of control hashtag hashtag if you gave a shit maybe i would hashtag isn't it ironic don't you think but um and then he like proceeded to follow everyone i know but me and then it was like this war and i was like you went to war with dave

coulier sort of but i was just annoyed that he had the nerve to ask me to help him get followers and he couldn't even follow me and i was like dave that sounds crazy yeah now he's got more followers than me so i guess the terrorist one yeah he goes but isn't he like a clean guy so he kind of has that built-in fake like christian audience like oh this guy he's he's a laugh riot i I'm going to follow him on Twitter. Really? Is that the type of audience he has? I bet he has funny insights into things. If you look at his shows where he performs, it's mostly in like... Walmart.

Pesquaggy, Wisconsin. That's not a real place. I don't know. Or like Lynchburg. Johannesburg. Keyword, Lynch. Let's see. Do you think that's where they got it from? And if so, isn't that so offensive? Lynchburg. Keyword, lynch. Let's see. Do you think that's where they got it from?

And if so, isn't that so offensive? Lynchburg. Well, they did a lot of lynch in here. There is an area in Virginia where there's like Blacks Run. I'm like, that's terrible. We just really want to remember what's important. There is a road in Southampton, Virginia called Blacks Head Road that is from the aftermath of the Nat Turner uprising where they killed every black person. Oh, yeah.

And they lined the roads. Jesus Christ. And it's still called Black's Head Road. Yeah. The South will rise again. Yeah. They're like, hey, man, it's not hate. It's just heritage.

It's like, no. These colors don't bleed. These colors don't bleed. But you know what does? Black people. Black people don't bleed. But you know what does? Black people. Black people a lot. I guess that means you're always going to support the United States of America regardless of what we're doing. Even if we are literally blowing up people for no apparent reason.

We're like, I don't care, man. These colors don't bleed. I'm like, yeah, they're bleeding a little bit right now. They're out of the line. I believe nationalism is quickly becoming a relic of the past. We shouldn't talk about politics because I don't know enough about it. All right. More important question.

Let's do a little Price is Right style guess. Den, den, den. With how many followers do you think Dave Coulier has? Can you see the thing right now? I don't know if I would be. I don't really pay attention to people. I haven't looked recently. Well, we'll do a Price is Right style because who's ever closest.

I don't know what the standard is for a famous comedian, really. Well, he's not famous famous. Like Delaney has six figures at this point. Yeah, I think he's close to a million. A million? Is he really? Yeah. Let me see.

Anyway, we'll get to Delaney next. Just hold on, you guys. We can do the whole cast of Full House. Slow the truck down. Dave Coulier. He's a clean comic. All right. I'm going to say, I'm just going to give it a round number instead of like a weird specific one.

I'm just going to say $47,000. Okay. $47,000. $47,000, Bob. Ooh, Jen's going to take it down. Damn it. Dave Coulier coming in with 70,092 followers. That's insane.

70,000. Okay, but do you know what? That's not that much for an international star. Snooki. I don't think he's international. Snooki has like 7 million followers. Yeah, something insane. And then there's actors who literally never tweet.

And they have so many followers. And I feel such rage. That's fame for a man. Because I feel like I'm working so hard on Twitter and these idiots. Yeah, you tweet a lot. I love to tweet a lot. I do, and I'm sorry. You know what I need to do? I need to use TweetDeck. That's what Rob Delaney uses.

It's this thing, if you think about it, it makes sense. You just load it up with tweets and it sort of hands them out. It's a program. I see that app all the time. I thought it was just something for your phone. I thought it was your phone, too. But if you think about it, it's on deck. So I guess that's why they call it gel cap.

So it's like a timer. Yeah. Time release. That's what I need. So then it doesn't make it like a big loser. It's like a gel cap for your Twitter. It's like that. You know what?

They should have that thing for Facebook so that it'll say that you liked something or commented something at least 10 full minutes after somebody posted it. As opposed to me, sometimes I can't even wait. and it's like five seconds and i'm like i really liked that like i loved it like that thing so your friendship right away i don't care if you like me shit man yeah i got so many other people that like me just get around to it at some point it's a new version of not answering the phone too fast oh friend request i'll sit on that for a couple hours i've i've tried i try to do that and then I get so codependent. I'm like, well, how would I feel if somebody wasn't accepting my friend request

right away? But if I do it quick, then maybe it'll look like I don't care and then I'll look even cooler. Meanwhile, they've already forgotten their friend request. They friend requested six other people. Speaking of pushing buttons, did anybody get Virgin Mobile Free Fest tickets today? I tried. I didn't. I was refreshing. i tried i didn't i was refreshing

yesterday too i was refreshing for five minutes before noon and then noon hit and it was immediately locked out there was not even like yeah after i got to the captcha i got as far as the captcha so i was feeling pretty good yep and then it was like sorry yeah like it's i feel like it was it was so dickish too because it doesn't just say, like, time expired or sold out. It's like, we don't have any of that that matches your criteria. It's like, fuck you. Just say you're sold out. My criteria is the only thing you offer, so I don't understand what I did wrong.

I just want free tickets. I feel very annoyed. Yeah. My friend had a code to get them yesterday at 10 a.m. I saw that. I remembered that, but I forgot the code. Yeah, and I did that. I think that's what I must have done last year which i was like i remember being this hard last year and then i was like i think i had i think i'm i'm gonna be able to get somebody's

ticket yeah i think it's fairly easy to get tickets although to be perfectly honest with you other than jack white i'm not or make zz top i'm not particularly like dying to see i i would like to see m83 i want to see sk m83 out of curiosity but no no thanks it's gonna be insanely packed i'm sure it's like i don't need to see you know my favorite skrillex joke yeah edward skrillex hands when i saw public enemy there a few years ago some girl grabbed my package wait what it was weird why is that weird that's a good thing. Was it Chuck D? Yeah, it was. And I was like, ugh. And then I was like, wait, why did I do that?

I don't even have a girlfriend. You were like, put it back, you. Yeah, that's what I, yeah. I also broke up a fight. No, it wasn't Chuck D. I did shake Flavor Flav's hand several times. Flavor Flav. Did he do that to you?

No. Did he say his name like that? No. Well, then. But Nas is performing this year. I'd like to see Nas. Oh, he's still alive. Yeah, he just released an album. It's got a bunch of good reviews, actually. Really? Future Islands. No But Nas is performing this year I'd like to see Nas Oh he's still alive Yeah

He just released an album It's got a bunch of good reviews actually Really Future Islands I love me some Future Islands They're performing there Yeah Wow

But I feel like I've seen I've seen Future Islands But not in this venue So it's almost like What It sounds like a big step for them They're an awesome live band So

Well Go-T.A. is coming to Fucking Merriweather and the last time i saw him was at the 9 30 club so now i'm just like oh well there's that stop i'm not gonna sing that song i'm not gonna sing this song you know how it goes i i just speak the lyrics to me and perhaps somebody that i used to know somebody that i used to know didn't mean to cut you off yeah never. Never heard it. You were the only person. You were literally the only.

You're lying right now. I mean, maybe I have, but I'm pretty sure I haven't. You probably heard it. You have. I'm too cool. You have. You have. You have. Yeah.

That too. Coupled with your coldness. I don't really like the radio. I usually listen to Wagner on vinyl. Bob Wagner. Miles Davis occasionally. Yeah. Bitches Brew. You know. It Wagner. Miles Davis occasionally. Yeah. Bitches, bro.

You know. It's just I love jazz. It's just so freeform. Jazz and classical is all. Yeah. If it's not a concerto, you go fuck yourself. Seriously. By the way, it's not much of an insult.

Hey, you. Go somewhere alone and have an orgasm without anyone else. Believe me. Yeah. Like I wouldn't do that anyway like hey why don't you go figure out some way to like stimulate yourself sexually yeah until you achieve orgasm all over yourself and then you're like you know what no big deal i'll just fall asleep is that what we've been doing? Didn't mean to cut you off. Am I the only one who's been doing that? Boys. Is that the John Bobbitt song?

Yeah. Oh, you. That was creep. What was it? That was that Stone Toll Pilots. I'm a creep. I'm half the man I used to be.

That was a good song. They got a bad rap early on because he sounded like Pearl Jam. Oh, because he had that her, her. But I think he sort of lost it a little towards the end.

Yeah, they kind of changed it. Both emotionally and the way he was singing. Lady Picture Show is a great song. Sour Girl. Lady Picture Show. No. You didn't like Sour Girl? It was alright. There was no Lady Picture Show, though. I feel like you could sing any STP song like how you just did it, Mike.

It's like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah shower girl i love that song no lady picture show i think it's funny that they got away like the radio head and stone temple pilots both on a song called creep at roughly the same time yeah i, I remember that. And TLC! It was a trifecta. And so I creep! And just creep! Remember that Stone Temple Pilots song, Creep? Oh, I creep! Well, remember when the Verve

and the Verve pipe were popular? That was confusing, wasn't it? Freshman and Bittersweet Symphony. I secretly like the song Freshman. Bittersweet Symphony. I disagree. I'm going with Bittersweet Symphony. I love that entire album. I would choose that one. I haven't heard it a long time,

but I remember every time you watch Cruel Intentions, you can hear it at the end. The whole album? Where she's like, got the cross slash cocaine thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cruel Intentions was good. You mean Dangerous Liaisons for Children? That was a remake of Dangerous... Yeah, that's what I meant to say. Thank you. You just read the book.

Cruel Intentions book. Yeah. The novella. Written. The novella. The novella. I found it in the motion picture section of the bookshop, you know?

Mm-hmm. Also got Jaws 2. Back to the Future. Jaws 3D. Getting Even with Dad. Jaws 3D is a pop-up book. Getting Even with Dad. Blank check.

I remember one one time. That was a good one. Chris LaMartina like talks about how that's like the perfect screenplay or something. Oh my God.

I swear to God, ask him. I'm not going to try to play the lead in his movie anymore. And Duffy from MTV was on it. Or no, Duff.

Duff, yeah, Duff. But not Guns N' Roses Duff. Who the fuck is Duff? Who Jen Tisdale kind of looks like. Shut the fuck up. No, that's good. He was a beautiful man.

Jen got serious then. My hair is so crazy. No, seriously, shut the fuck up. I don shut the fuck up and Josh kind of looks like Duff the female stuff was she had like short dark hair very nice vaguely not really Angelina Jolie style face but sort of kind of a darker if it's not Kennedy I don't give a shit. What is downtown Julie Brown? Yeah. Don't you ever go uptown?

And two Dr. Dre's at the same time? How did they get away without MTV raps? Julie Brown was in Earth. Jeff Goldblum, Gina Davis. Earth Girls Are Easy. The redhead who's her friend, that's Julie Brown. Yeah. MTV jams. Pop culture. What about Adam Currie? Who? her friend that's julie brown yeah yeah i'm mtv jams pop culture what about adam curry

who adam curry do you know he gets that madam curry he uh wasn't that his name adam curry yeah he gets the title as uh i think a lot of people do but as the godfather of podcasts you know he has like one of the most downloaded podcasts adam curry does he did even more so than like at this point probably not at this yeah he's just behind digression sessions but i think in the beginning he was like one of the bigger podcast people that's probably when there's only like nine i wonder what the very first podcast was ever i think it was i think it was like that one how's the weather weather in wisconsin i think it was Einstein on one of those. You know what I mean. It's probably just Steve Jobs just complimenting himself.

Well done. Well done. I think it was actually a review of the movie, blank check. You know what his closet was probably like? What was that movie when he only wore one outfit? Oh, it was Last Action Hero. And Arnold Schwarzenegger, he opens up his closet and you just see the same outfit on I like that one.

I love Last Action Hero. I haven't seen it since I was a kid. I remember being a kid, too, and being very confused when they broke down the fourth wall and he walked from the movie. And I was just like, what is going on? Do you know if you watch Game of Thrones, their father that was the bad guy with the glass eye, that is Tywin Lannister, is the guy that played the antagonist

on Last Action Hero with the glass eye. He also was the bad guy in The Golden Child. Do you guys ever see that? Also true. Eddie Murphy. Yeah. No. Really?

He plays the devil. I don't even think I've heard of it honestly Stop it because I can never tell I hate you so much right now I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on Was he on Fresh Air? This gentleman?

What's a TV? I've heard no When did that come out? Are you being serious? Because it's in the 80s. Yeah, late 80s. It was actually, I remember enjoying it as a young'un. It was like The Matrix before The Matrix.

Really? No, they just had a bald kid in both movies. Yeah. The kid that bent the spoon that one time. So it was like powder before powder. What did he say? You can't be, you must be the spoon or whatever. And you're like, shut up.

You're not even the one right you must not take the spoon there's no spoon i'm like i have a location for the spoon for you jen tisdale if you could be in any keanu reeves oh point break oh i'm sorry i'm gonna say any movie i'm like point break no that's a vehicle for sure i think that's the what would you want to play for a second did you think he was talking about cars that Keanu Reeves has owned? I would say his Grand Am from 1994. If he used to carpool with Keanu Reeves. He used to have a Ford Dart.

I got a Ford Dart. No, love. If I could be in any... Keanu Reeves movie, yeah. It would be Point Break, of course. Although, wait. Bill and Tess Excellent Adventure... You mean like in the actual universe of the movie

or like you're in the movie as an actor? I think in the movie. But we get to do all the main fun adventures, not just I'm an extra in the background and then you never see me again. You're not just peeking in the background. Hey, guys. I'm like, where's Waldo?

I would say... Yeah, what Brody said. You know what I would want to be? I'd want to be in the stands in the replacements. Remember when they did that? Remember when their team color was red, white, and blue, but it was filmed at Raven Stadium so all the seats and everything was purple?

And you're like, what the fuck is happening with this? I heard that movie was terrible. Why the fuck did Gene Hackman do that? Why? He's such a good actor. We've all been asking ourselves that question on a lot of different levels. Why would Gene Hackman do that? You know that movie? There's a funny tweet or joke about He's such a good actor. We've all been asking ourselves that question on a lot of different levels. Why, God, why? Why would Gene Hackman do that? You know that movie, there's a funny tweet or joke about that film Premium Rush that's coming out?

What is his name, Joseph Gordon-Levitt? I believe it's pronounced Joko. Somebody said, isn't Premium Rush the movie you make after you get your Academy Award? I was like, oh, funny. Yeah, because everybody does shitty movies after they get an Academy Award. Why is that? Because they don't do them. They don't get a lot of money for it. They don't do them right away.

They're already made. And they unfortunately come out. Like that happened with Jamie Foxx with Ray. And then that shitty movie Stealth where an airplane becomes sentient. And also, what's that guy's name? Louis Gossett Jr. after he did Roots. Jaws 3 came out. That's not the worst choice, I'd say.

It's a pretty bad choice. Natalie Portman did that Ashton Kutcher film or whatever. Was it with Ashton Kutcher or no? What? Who was it? The Just Friends. The Fuck Buddies one. Dude, Where's My Car?

Dude, Where's My Career? Isn't that weird how that happens? How they'll be like two asteroid movies at the same time. Two volcano movies. And then there's the two Fuck Buddy movies. Yeah, Friends With Benefits. And then there was...

No Strings Attached. No Strings Attached. That's it. Yeah, I saw Friends With Benefits in the theater. Well, just like on the TVs, they had Once Upon a Time and Grimm. And they also had the Ghostbusters and the real Ghostbusters. Interesting.

Hey, do you guys watch American Horror Story? No, I've heard of it. Horror Story. Dylan McDermott. I always say horror because I don't want people to think I'm saying whore. Horror. Yeah. You know what Dylan McDermott was in that was good that I was surprised by?

My Vagina. Yes. Let's wrap it up. Podcast over. It's seen. Thank you. I wish. Hi, I'm Jim Tisdale.

And if I were a man. What was that? We were working on. Remember when you said that earlier? No. Yeah, that was totally you. You can't recognize your own voice when you hear it. Yeah.

Hold on, guys. We've got to do a commercial for the Army. Jen said we had to. Hi, I'm Jim Tisdale. And if I were a man, I would certainly join the U.S. Army. Okay, Jim, we don't like to get political on the show. But anyway, if we could get back to the show. Uncle Sam over there. Hi, I'm Jim Tisdale. Jen, cut it out. on the show. But anyway, if we could get back to the show.

Jen, cut it out. If I were a man, I would certainly join the U.S. Army. That was some great editing by me. I'm glad that you specified U.S. Because otherwise I would have joined the Israeli Army. The Russian Army. You have to give those guys two years. Right, or the Salvation Army.

That's the worst army. I know. I bet I could take the Salvation Army. That's the worst army. I know. I bet I could take the Salvation Army. They don't save anything. The campaign was really good. Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis campaign. Really? Yeah. Oh, you saw it? I enjoyed it a lot. Is it out already?

Jesus, that's how behind I am. Something is coming out next. Oh, Mike Birbiglia's movie. I would like to see that a lot. Next on the 31st. Sleepwalk With Me. Yeah, it's not coming to Baltimore until the 5th. Sleepwalk With Me.

Fire's Sleepwalk With Me. I'm not playing this game with you. I seriously have not heard it. Sleepwalkers With Me. It's the new Stephen King. Sleeping With The Enemy With Me. Sleeping With The Enemy With Me. Yay!

That was meta. That was so meta i don't know i was a thing i don't know where meta is that was just repetitive word that was just yeah it's a word that doesn't mean you used it in the right do you mean like canon no one knows what you're talking about yeah like Yeah, before Josh used the word canonical incorrectly, at least in my opinion. And he defended it by being like, no, it's a word. What's the smell of dog farts? Anyway, where were we? You guys are the best. The campaign is pretty good. If we could get back to that.

Why are you talking about yourself in the third place? Okay, Mike, if you could cut it out. Little person. I can't see you do cut it out. Little person. I can't see you do the hand gesture. Little person is the proper nomenclature. Why is that better? Don't. Right, because if you think about it, little person is worse because you're actually saying,

here's the thing that in theory is wrong with you. Whereas midget is just a word that has the meaning. They're a black face. You know what I mean? Like little person. Yeah, like we don't want to actually point it out. It's like we get it. You're small. Let's just invite... The woman is not obese. She's big. She's a big person. She's a big person.

Obese is better. People hate the word fat. I don't like the word fat. When I hear comics, male comics usually talking about women and they say this fat chick, I just... Anybody that uses the word fat chick, I probably wouldn't be down. Also, I'd have to say 100% of the time the comic is ugly themselves. They're this prize.

I'm like, here's why you know so much about these quote unquote fat chicks. Yeah, there was some shitty comic I saw. He was a guitar act. Beep! No, it wasn't him. It was Buckethead. But he had this song. It was all about how he partied too hard.

He gets to the chorus. I fucked a fat chick. It's like, oh, that's so terrible. Oh, my God. Also, he was like 5'3". How are you going to look at yourself in the morning? Yeah. Oh, boy.

Because you're so small, you can't see the mirror. Yeah, like I should be knocking down 10s all day. Can you believe it me this squat I had sex with a fat chick That's probably the justification for him Like only hooking up With fat chicks He's just drunk I'm so drunk all the time

You guys see like the last 40 girls I dated Whoa I've just been fucked up What are the odds bro That was a weird phase that's lasted my entire life What was I smoking? All those times. Every time. All those times.

So anyway, Campaign, do you want to tell us some greatest hits you remember? No, I don't want to ruin it. I'm just saying it was good. Dylan McDermott is in that. That's why I made that thing. I thought it looked good, but I think I heard it was bad from a non-Josh source. It's good. I enjoyed it.

I trust Josh. Who's his other humor? I think I on like the radio or something yeah well it's kind of sad like it's all about how sad it's a sad it's kind of sad because it shows how shitty politics are and how everybody's just bought and sold right well that's every movie about politics i just watched the ides of march for the first time recently and i was like yeah i enjoyed it but the whole um crux of that movie is that the two campaign managers spoke to one another and he's like what the fuck that's the whole thing that's where it all falls apart how could you go behind my back and just speak to him it's like remember campaign managers do that all the whole thing was that it was it was

just all set up to get rid of ryan gosling so Gosling, so it was made this big deal because Paul Giamatti was trying to get rid of him because he was threatened. Yeah, but they don't say anything. And in real life, those people talk all the time. It's like, hey, we should get together. It's like, yeah, suck my balls. Yeah, just like women, right? Hey, I'm a Gosling fan, Clooney fan. Chiamati fan.

Have you seen the Twitter feed at Paul Ryan Gosling? No. It's like that. Hey, girl. Have you seen the Hey Girl Tumblr for Ryan Gosling? It's amazing. It's just a picture where Ryan Gosling is looking totally hot. Because there are zero of those.

So they really dig around the internet for that one. Ryan Gosling's like, oh, that's not a good photo of me. Gross. I don't photograph well from the top. Birds eye view shots are not my thing. But there's an awesome picture where it's like, hey girl, I know gender's a social construct, but we all need to

snuggle. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, Ryan. I get it. I get it. I like Ryan Gosling. Good actor. He is a good actor. What has he been in? Drive?

Yeah, I knew that. He had exactly three lines in that film, which is fine. It had a great soundtrack. What was the Crazy Stupid Love? That was a touching, funny film. I did not see it. Very, very funny. There's a really funny scene where he takes his shirt off in front of Emma Stone.

And she goes, what are you, photoshopped? And I'm like, yes, he is. I'm pretty sure he's photoshopped all the time. 100% out in the world. He's got a thing. He was. He was airbrushed. Oh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Jen just pulled her headphones down dramatically picturing those airbrushed abs I'd put butter on those so Jen what have you been up to? you don't live in Baltimore anymore I moved home so I could move to New York I like to follow up that sentence

just in my heart I have to follow up the i moved home sentence with the very fast because i need to save money justify it like because my mom needs me to take care of her or like you know this ain't money for school like you can never i mean you can't just then you're like the law right and you're just sort of there and i don't want to be like that but um sure right Is he still with the folks? Pretty sure, yeah. How old are we talking? Well, he's probably...

We're not going to say a name right now. No, sure. So I've been told that this person's 36, which I... Really? He kind of looks like 45. Bill Cosby is way older than 36. Way older. Do you have to do knee-bugs? It's all good. Bill Cosby is way older than 36. Way older.

It's all good. I was just doing some picture pages for you guys. Picture pages? Didn't you ever watch picture pages? I've never heard of it. Would you get to draw on the TV screen? You had a magic pen. I'm going to hiccup.

You had a magic pen. Is that a bad memory for you? I'm sorry. I'm just going to vomit all over them. You had a magic pen. Is that a bad memory for you? I'm sorry. I'm just going to vomit all over. You can draw anything you want. I'm going to vomit all over. Over and over. So anyway, I moved home to try to save money to go to New York next year.

Right. And you're performing primarily in the D.C. area now. Primarily in D.C. I've done a lot. Things started getting great. I. area now. Primarily in D.C. I've done a lot. Things started getting great. I joined this podcast. I did this podcast. Can I name another podcast on this podcast?

Is that bad? The podcast that I co-host. Absolutely. It's called You. Hey! I thought you were going to say absolutely, and then you put the not in there. That's what twisted me. That's this new thing I'm going to try out.

Guys, feel free to do this. Say something completely facetiously and then say not afterwards. It's going to be funny when you edit out all the podcast information later. That's what she said. It's another good one. That normally applies to sex. Not. Oh, boy.

Anyways, Jen. Yeah. Go ahead. I'm just going to leave it.. Oh, boy. Anyways, Jen. Go ahead. I'm just going to leave it. No? We mind that vein too much? Alright. You can't touch this. You can't touch this. Where's the dog pound at?

To where did the dog pound go? We don't have a dangling preposition in that song. We're teaching our kids poor grammar. Oh, the Kindle or something? The Kindle or something? What was it? Hey, the Kindle or something. That's my new catchphrase.

That's what I just get all strung out on drugs and groupies. Hey, it's the Kindle or whatever. Can I get a stool? An oxygen to the stage. Remember when Bart's fantasy to be a rock star was drunk and passed out on a beanbag chair? Yeah. He had that long hair.

And he's like, you've changed. And he throws the bottle. I remember having fantasies like that as a kid. Just to be completely strung out. Kind of, yeah. I kind of romanticized that. I don't know if I'd want to be strung out, but the idea of being able to get anything anytime I wanted.

I think I didn't know what it meant to be strung out at the time or how it would feel. Yeah. It's not something I would look for in my life today. Yeah, and we pretty much can get whatever we want most of the time. Not like that. I'd have to make some real moves to do something. I guarantee you, your happiness would level out within a year. Statistically speaking, that's how it works.

When the lottery become famous, you will be about as happy in one year. I understand that you're being sarcastic right now but there's still a small part of me that says fame is the thing that's going to fill this giant void.

I definitely feel that too. I feel that too. I dare someone to say otherwise. It's the same way that if you're in a shitty relationship get married.

That'll fix it. Grass is always greener. Have a baby. I think doing what I love for a living it would be awesome for me or anybody not me doing that. But haven't you ever noticed think doing what I love for a living, it would be awesome for me or anybody. Not me doing what I love for a living.

But haven't you ever noticed that doing what you love as a job suddenly makes you hate that thing you love? That thing you do? That can happen. That can happen. Suddenly it's not fun anymore. To a degree, but not. I do hear that, though, that a lot of comedy writers, the last thing they want to do is go home and watch a comedy movie or something. Well, it's not the same. It's definitely

not as funny. That's still way better than working at a grocery store. Oh, I would love to do that, but I can definitely see that not every day you're like, yay, it's my job. Yeah, I mean, definitely like sitting down and writing stand-up or like writing a column is not nearly as exciting for me as it was like two years ago. But isn't the best part just talking about it?

I'm still very grateful for it. Sure. But isn't the best part talking about it later? Like, oh, you for it. Sure, but isn't the best part talking about it later? They're like, oh, you do stand-up? You're like, yeah. Oh, it's so awesome seeing that. People are like, you do stand-up for me, and I'm like, I got boobs. I do that.

Jokes. Yeah, that should be your response to most stuff. Wait, you've got boobs? I just picked them up on the way here. Ma'am, can you quit spitting on that dolphin M. Night Shyamalama ding-dong poster? I got boobs! Boobs!

I got boobs. I'm just going to wear... If I didn't have boobs, I would just wear one of those 3D things on my chest. Can I do that? You got to look cross-eyed, and you'll see the boobs. Why has there not been a retro t-shirt with the... Sorry, I'm an A-cup, but have you tried crossing your eyes and staring at my chest for ten minutes? Look in the negative space.

Have you tried that? We'll see some titties. Boobs. Yeah, so you're doing a bunch of comedy. I'm doing this podcast. All right, you're doing a podcast. I'm doing this podcast. And another thing.

Sorry, just kidding. The thing about boobs is you just can't get enough. Hashtag boobs. It's called You, Me, Them, Everybody. And we record it live at the wonderland ballroom in dc the first and second friday of every month and we it is a guest comic music guest setup and then we do interviews and i'd like to think we do a really good job yeah and i got that when i did a really i went on the show as a comic. And then after my interview,

my cohost, Brandon Weatherby was like, do you want to come back and cohost with me? And then suddenly it became permanent and that was great. And then we've done other things together. There's a really good venue in Arlington called artist sphere. It's huge. It's like a dome.

And Brandon did a thing called, this is a game show. And, uh, but even better than that is that my friend Andrew Bucket who works with BrightestYoungThings.com who I write for now also. Oh, I didn't know that.

Do you really? And we're going to have a new thing starting September 22nd. It's a monthly thing at Artisphere called Popped Up Videos. So it's like Popped Up Videos meets Mystery Science Theater 3000. Fun. I want to get in on that. You should. I would love that.

It's fun. We're going to have panelists. Andrew and I will run it and we'll have panelists. We'll pick them every month. And basically we watch obviously these videos and then we tear them apart as Joy Division would do. As they're going, we'll pause them and we'll say these, we'll point out

the utterly ridiculous things. It can't obviously be't obviously be exactly they're not long enough for us to talk over them and make all of our points within three minutes so we'll have to pause but yeah are you gonna make up facts too like pop-up video video yeah uh i you know our first meeting is uh a week from tomorrow so i think we're gonna iron out all the details of how we want to run the shoe get a power a few ideas back and forth yeah and include my favorite part which is choose our videos i've already got a few oh yeah oh you know you should do remember the living color video glamour boys i just discovered that again recently you should check that one out i have some fun ones like um paula abdul's oppos to Track where she's dating an animated cat.

Oh, yeah. That was a big one. In that video. What is that fox's name? MC Scat Cat. MC Scat Cat. He had his own CD. Well, it was a spin-off. We need to get MC Scat Cat on this show. Dude, we got to. Have him come in. Call Paul. I bet we could find him.

So there's that. And I've done things like I performed with B.Y.T., Brightest Young Things. They had come in yeah i bet we could find him so there's that and i've done things like i performed uh with byt brightest young things uh they had a uh an event at the national geographic museum what is this uh formed there what is this brightest youngs the youngest thing is young thing www.brightest young things.com yeah so what does that mean you perform with them they they host they put on events throughout dc and they had this uh thing they were doing this summer where they were trying to you know like focus on local things so they they would throw these huge events at these places to

get people to come so they chose the national geographic museum and they have that huge auditorium there it's um it begins with an f i can't remember what it's called it's a it was huge it was a really fun show and brandon hosted it brandon and i hosted it but then i also did some comedy stage yeah fosters presents the national geographic more it's a film more thing phil harmonic phil more it's a film more theater philip seymour hoffman theater yeah that was it he was there it was all in gold blood. The foxhole. Foxhole. And then on September 9th, they do that Kennedy Center thing.

What is the Kennedy Center thing? They have a stage there called the Millennium Stage, and I'm performing there. Nice. Okay. Cool beans. All right. I'm probably going to wash my face that day. We'll see.

Okay. Fingers crossed. We'll see. We will see. But when do you think you'll be moving to New York? Do you have a plan? Well, I'm going to say a year, which sounds crazy to even be talking about it. Because I hate saying it and being like, well, when?

Is that like in a few? And I'm like, a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But I want to have a lot of money saved, like in a ridiculously large amount. Like, I'm probably not going to find a job right away because I'm not a viable candidate for anything, sort of. It's a little tough, but I'm sure anybody can do it.

I have no skills. Neither do I. I don't know what I do at my job all day. My job doesn't know what I do. Well, writing. I can't move to New York and get paid to do that right away. I will have to have a shitty job. You could be an actress or a musician or a poet. Good one. I'll be a musician. TGA job. You could be an actress or a musician or a poet.

Good one. I'll be a musician. There you go. You like music, right? Weren't you saying you like music earlier? That was really hard, but we chose something, and now we're going to go with it. Maybe there's other people running in Central Park shitting in the woods. Have you thought about that?

Tours? Central Park is probably a lot more exposed than you are. No, like getting a product together, like a bag that collects toilet paper. Like doggy bags for humans. Yes, thank you. Bring that with you. Make sure you never leave the house without it. Yes.

We'll do that. Are you ever running in the woods and then you have a dilemma? Does a bear shit in the woods? Yeah, and so do humans. John Gentesdale. You ever get the runs on your run? So you guys, what's new with you?

Your dog is laying on my feet right now. And I love him. Her. Her. I love it. We did think she had a penis in the beginning. In fairness, so did she. Are you in my shoes?

Yeah, we figured that out, though. After we took it off. Yeah. And put it under the microscope. Put it on the wall afterwards. But what is new with me? It's a penis. It's a doggy penis.

I'm sorry, did you say subpoenas or a penis? Doggy subpoenas. Doggy court. Subpoenas. A little doggy cat. How is the verdict? Maybe like... I know.

The cop standing next to the judge with a little doggy hat on. Yeah, it'll be like a pit bull or something. Or just pit bull. This is going to be adorable. Doggy court. Pit bull the guy. Pit bull the guy.

Divorce court and people's court. Doggy court. Mm-hmm. Ruff. We'll do that. I look at your selling point. You go, doggy court. You just keep saying doggy court.

Are you guys right? Am I right or am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right or am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Am I right or am I right? Yeah. So you've moved since I've seen you. Yeah, I'm still in Hamden.

You probably don't divulge your location. I'm in Hamden. I think everybody, nobody's coming here. Do you know how many fans are going to be knocking down your door now, Josh? We're not going to be able to record a podcast in peace. Well, that'd be nice. Big heads. Yeah.

The dozens and dozens Of people that listen To this podcast Yeah Are gonna knock down This door More than a dozen Yeah we've actually

We've had a good bit Of downloads Which is pretty good Remember that time And I think it was Just a coincidence The first time I did Maybe the first time

I did somebody in like Ireland or something Yeah That happens all the time So now you get These crazy Europeans We have a couple downloads in England for every episode. I wonder why. Who are they? Not that I'm saying you guys don't deserve it.

I wish, hey, message us. If you're listening in the UK, I'm looking to give up my US citizenship and become a permanent member of the United Kingdom. So call me. You realize New York is not in the United Kingdom, right? Old York. Old York is, huh? That's where I'm going. I'm going to New Amsterdam.

What about Old Mexico? Huh? No, but really, in lieu of comedy, I would just flee to the United Kingdom and live there. Why can't you do that now? Because I can't do that now. Because they have very strict immigration laws that forbid me from doing that.

Sure, yeah. I think it's harder to do that than to get over here. They don't want us. And for good reason. Why would you want us there? England is really fucking small, too. Like, when I realized how small England was. It's like the size of Virginia or something.

You're like, that place is an island. Yeah. Sure is. That's what happened. It's a fucking island. Yeah. Sure is. Sure is. That's what happened. It's a fucking island. Yeah, it is. Okay, I'm going to go.

I'll see you later. I'll be in America. Are you guys telling me that thing's just floating in the ocean? Yeah. In this fucking Pangea thing? Shut up. Shut your fucking mouth. Are we all from Africa?

What are we all from Africa? What are we? Fertile Crescent, baby You're from the Fertile Crescent, too? Yeah, big time Fertile Crescent moon Isn't the Fertile Crescent from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade Isn't that where they found the Holy Grail?

It sounds like a synonym for the vagina To be honest It was in a crescent-shaped canyon Cinnamon Fertile Crescent? Come. It was in a crescent-shaped canyon. Now we're talking. Cinnamon Fertile Crescent? Come on. It was in a crescent-shaped canyon, and the outside of it was actually Jordan. That was the birth of humanity. That's where we evolved from.

The cradle of life? That's where God created us 5,000 years ago. The cradle of life. Yeah. Rock the cradle of life. From the India? I don't know. From Laura Croft Tomb Raider.

Well, I'm pretty sure it existed in reality before it was in Indiana Jones and Laura. But when they showed it, that's what they were supposed to be. It was like the Valley of the Crescent, whatever. And that's where they ended up getting the Holy Grail. And that's where that idiot crossed the seal. And every time I watch that movie, I keep thinking, maybe this will be the time she doesn't cross the goddamn seal. I never watch those movies, really. What is happening?

Every film we've discussed... I've watched them, but I don't think I really got into them or paid attention. I think they bored me. Oh, speaking of movies, as I think we always end up doing... Have you seen the campaign? Are you kidding me? The movie's out?

I've been a complete repeat of our... Hey, you know what's coming out next Friday? Sleepwalk with me. Mike, for Biggs. Whoa! Mike Berbiggs. Berbiggs-Liaz. And Ira Glass. Together forever. But, um, okay, so you know that there's that horror convention

that I go to in La Martina. The monster mania. Happens in Hunt Valley, Maryland. Oh, yeah, that's where I want to go this year. Well, do you know who's going to be there? It's in September, usually. You know who's going to be here this year? The guy that played Jason in Jason 13. First of all, there is no 13 film.

Jason 10. Secondly, they weren't called Jason. It was Jason X. Remember when he was going up there to convert everybody there? That's right. To the Nation of Islam. Is the astronaut Jason going? Because I heard he went to space once.

Is he going to be there? He's dead. Oh no, that's that woman. Spoiler alert. That's that woman. Thanks, Jen. That lesbian. Now I'm not going to watch all ten films. X. When you want to convert them to the Nation of Islam. Jason DMX.

Jason became DMX. Jason, Tokyo Drift. Oh, and the remake would make 12. That was a good one. Okay Okay It really wasn't a remake Anyway Who's gonna be there Alex Winter Who played

Bill S. Preston Esquire On On House Bill and Tess Excellent Adventure Oh

Not obviously Keanu Reeves So just the other guy Not as edible As Dan Obviously not Keanu Reeves But you know He was also In The Lost Boys

Yeah And then he made his own films. Yeah, he was in other stuff. Weird, weird, weird stuff. And they're making a third Bill and T, B&T. You know, I've seen just the shot of the photo booth, the teaser, and like, I mean, is it happening? What's it called?

I don't know. Bill and Ted's Adventure. Really? Adventure? Just, you know, choose your own. Bill and Ted's Choose Your Own Adventure. Bill and Ted's Adventure and Babysitting. Yeah know, choose your own adventure. Bill and Ted's Choose Your Own Adventure. Bill and Ted's Adventure and Babysitting.

It's just like Mad Libs. Right. There's like 17 endings to the film and it doesn't make any sense. I remember them like talking about doing movies like that for a long time.

There's always like a Choose Your Own Adventure. I guess Clue had different endings. Well, Wayne's world had different endings. Wayne. Yeah, but they showed you all.

Let's do the Scooby-Doo one. You gotta watch where you put your up-speed. Because it's getting out of control. What's getting out of control? Your accents over things. Sorry, Wayne's world. A cop. I was like, you know what it is?

It's my brain knowing what it is, but my mouth's not catching up, so I'm like, Wayne's world. My brain's smart. My mouth, duh-um. Oh, here's a funny story. I'm glad you said that. Here's a funny story.

Bring it. Last Sunday, my mother and I went to the Six Flags in New Jersey. That's the one where you have the petting thing. Not petting zoo, but you can drive through, and there's the wild park. Yes, and you can't go with your mom because you moved to New York. We go every year. You guys are your mom because you moved to New York. We go every year. You guys are looking for a new place in New York.

When you guys move there together. Not that you would have to go up there with your mom. Right. You just brought her along because she's ill and you need to take care of her. She just stands in the corner like Blair Witch all the time in my apartment. I don't let her do anything. You're getting your limiting business together. I'm like, did you just turn around? Come on it faces the corner i have one rule one one rule so yeah

don't talk about god mom are you such a bitch get out of my life i'm lost anyway yes you are so i go not only yes so we go to amusement parks every year Usually twice a year And we chose this particular Sunday Because Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan Band Were performing At Six Flags New Jersey I can show you photos I guess he hasn't been in a lot of movies lately

Well, no, we've been to CSI New York That whole thing But here's the thing about the band Before you say anything Because it is quite easy to immediately be like this is ridiculous nah lieutenant dan band they have to have one drummer doing like the upstairs the drummer from deaf leopards performing the bass drum made my drumsticks out of titanium. Same stuff they use on the spaceship.

Everybody's drinking 10. But no, they actually formed right after 9-11 because what happened was Gary Sinise was going around and just being supportive and going to a lot of bases and visiting troops. And everyone kept referencing Lieutenant Dan. They were all very touched by that role. So he formed this band. Well, they formed this band.

No, not all the way. And they're a cover band, of course. And now they just go around. I would definitely do that if I were famous. 90% of their money, I think, goes to things like the Wounded Warrior Project. That's for sure. And things like that. Yeah, I would love to be able to do something like that.

And they go to Army bases. And it was like, so at this particular day, it was like New York Fire Department Day, like First Responders Day, so it was all very sad. He brought this guy on stage whose son had died in Afghanistan and I'm sobbing. But here's what's, here's what, and here's... And the Viper rollercoaster is behind you guys.

It's true! It's true! It was like to the left and I was like, God, it's so hard. And he told me with his last dying breath Yeah Fuck yeah Best day of my life

I'm gonna live forever I'm not like your son Not like your stupid veteran son There's Billy and the giant chicken Let's get his autograph Do they have a Do they have a theme like it at Six Flags as far yeah it's like they have a lot of Looney Tunes okay yeah I have like those like I'll say, I'll say. But then there's also Yosemite Sam. You say, I say. No, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say.

I only hear what I want to. I'll say. Oh, I thought it was Stone Temple. That would be such a funny cover. I only hear what I want to. Of Falkorn Leghorn covering. I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say. I only hear what I want to.

I'll say. I'll say. All right. Now, listen here. So here's what i did also earlier on in the day i sure absolutely that's all it takes for me sure i like it yep earlier on in the day uh-huh absolutely i saw a guy i saw a guy in one of the lines for the rides

who was clearly in a band. I looked at my mom and said, what is this guy doing in an amusement park? He's obviously in a band. People from bands don't go to amusement parks. No, they don't. They do not unless they are performing there, obviously. That night, he comes on stage.

He's a singer. He also plays the electric fiddle because they had to play Teenage Wasteland. So they needed some fiddle. They had to play The Devil Goes Down to Georgia. Had to. He was really talented. And so here's what I did because I am a crazy person.

I find him on Facebook. Natch. Find him on Facebook. Time out. How do you even begin that search? Well, here's what I did. And now that we're Facebook friends, I'll share this podcast with them when it comes out. Fantastic.

You can know exactly how I did it. Shout out to Lieutenant Dan Band. Lieutenant Dan Band. They were really good. I'm not going to make any disparaging remarks. They're doing a good thing. So I knew his first and last name from the website. God, internet.

So you just looked up electric fiddle guy? Be nice, because what if he hears this podcast? No, here's what I did. I can give his first and last name. It's on the website. His name is Dan Myers, which is a pretty common sort of Myers. Sure, but let's get specific. Social Security number. That's what I looked up.

No, I used it. He's a Pisces. But I knew... God, now it's going to sound weird. Boxers or... I knew that he lived in Chicago because it says so on his band bio or whatever. So I just kind of entered Dan Meyer's Chicago, which apparently is something you can do on Facebook. And I didn't think it picked that up.

I thought it would only pick up the name. And he popped up. And so I friend requested it. Facebook had, like, you know, Microsoft Word had that paper clip. It's like, looks like you're writing a business memo. Looks like you're stalking someone. Did you meet Chicago Dan Byrd? How can I help?

How can I help you? Can I be a little more specific? The paperclip looks like Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. It looks like he won't be ignored. How can I help? Looks like Mark David Chapman. Yeah. Damn it again.

Paperclip cutting its wrist. So, just a bloated Jared Leto. That's what he did. He played Mark David Chapman. He did. I saw that movie. Absolutely. We had to beef it up for that.

The whole marketing campaign. Those old Lindsay Lohan. She played one of the fans, right? Okay, so. Anyway, so. You go to the website. I friend request him on Facebook. And then I message him while I was a little drunk at one of my own comedy shows.

I was like, hey, not to sound weird, by the way, when you start any sentence with the words not to sound weird, you're obviously about to sound really funny. I noticed you're type A blood. So you're the universal donor. And I just, I really need help. Not to sound weird, but why would you throw out all those unopened boxes of VMAX?

Not to sound weird, but I've caught every tear you've cried since I saw your show. Yeah. I'm injecting a doll, hoping that will come to life. Did you feel a pain in your arm the other day? I don't have a voodoo doll. So I was just like, I saw you in the park, and then I saw you at the show, and then blah. And then the next day, immediately when I woke up and went to work, I wrote, drunk at a comedy show, carry on with your life. And then he wrote back, oh, no, I remember you.

And then he gave me a compliment and then said he remembered the cute girl with the tattoos from the show because I was in the front row like a crazy person. The cute girl with the tattoos. That's me. But also I was with my mom who has tattoos, so I thought, I hope you mean me and not my mom. Uh-huh. But we've been exchanging messages, and he's in his second year of grad school in Chicago for film scoring, which is interesting. I felt like you were going to say his 50s or something. Yeah, I know.

But he's in his 50s. I don't know how old he is. He's, I think, older than me. Okay. It's not like I'm saying this is going to be a thing that's going somewhere. I don't know. He's a fiddle player. He's on the Six Flags circuit.

That could work out. He hangs out with Gary Sinise. He does. Do you hang out with Gary Sinise, Josh? Not anymore. Not anymore, no. That friendship ended. When he started doing with Gary Sinise, Josh? Not anymore. Last time I checked, he didn't. Not anymore, no. That friendship ended. Well, when he started doing CSI New York, he moved.

Well, that's why I play his teenage wasteland. He's so cute. He goes, are there any CSI New York fans here? And I wish everyone had been like, what's that? We loved you in Of Mice and Men. I watched that in ninth grade English class. Yeah. And how did they make Malkovich look so huge?

I mean, I know Gary Sinise is not a big guy anyway. They managed to. But there were not a lot of tricky camera angles where they don't. I mean, there was a lot of panning out. You could see them walking. So that was the majority of the film. They're like walking through the woods. So it wasn't like, OK, we had him standing on a box.

You know, I remember somebody asking that exact question when we watched it. You do not. Yes, I do. In ninth grade, it was an English class. Chris Carman was in that class. That's when I first met him. Okay. I believe him. You believe anything.

That's true. Teenage Wasteland. I was going to say that's not true, but hey. I'm going to have Brian Dunning explain bottled water scares to you, by the way. Oh, I can't wait. What is it? I'm excited. We're having a very famous skeptic named Brian Dunning on the show

soon. Yeah, that'll be the podcast after this one. I'm of the favorite skeptics thought that bottled water, the plastic is not good for you. Jen, how do you feel? Well, do you just mean specifically in bottled water or anything encased in plastic that you're about to consume?

Probably encased in plastic. That's the thing. Now, would you not put leftover food in Tupperware? You just eat everything? I do that. But I try to avoid it as much as possible. Toxic levels of plasticity are not allowed by law by law however the people that um are checking these bottles for those uh levels are the same people that are selling it so the fda they only have one person that's in

charge of all the bottled water all the millions of bottles that are in this country not very busy right so there's one person so they were were like, hey. It's the check. They're like, hey, Pepsi, Coke. It's just like Laverne and Shirley. Right. So they can't check them. So it's like, hey, Pepsi, Coke. It's a Geiger counter as they go by.

Right. It's like, well, why don't you guys do the reports and then let us know? So of course they're not going to be like, yeah, they're bad for you. It's just like, oh, we're good. We're good. Where's the bodies? Well, I mean, what about like you're drinking out of a can right now. So you don't think the aluminum in your can is bad?

I mean, what are we supposed to do? Just like cup our hands forever? Glass. I know. I think glass is probably the way to go, right? The least porous substance that would leak into your. Yes, probably. The most natural.

I mean, yeah, I don't know. I mean, that's how we all live Drinking out of plastic You know, an interesting taste test Might be put some water In a plastic thing And leave that in for a few days And put some water in a glass and leave that for a few days

And then do a taste test See if one tastes better than the other True But that wouldn't necessarily be a... I'm not saying it's good or bad for you, but at least if the tastes are compromised, then that might suggest that something is getting into... Yeah, chemically. ...the water.

Hmm. Perhaps. And then you'd have to just do one out of the tap immediately before it has a chance to... Yeah. Whatever. That's another thing, too, is that I've heard... So that'd be the control. Should we wear white lab coats when we do this?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to order some. Let me get online. We'll'll say indubitably, indeed. I'll wear glasses even though I don't need them. Can I wear one of them? I love a pencil in my hair. The thing with the shiny thing. You want to wear the shining on your head?

Yes. Do that. But please don't do the Stanley Kubrick version. Please do the made-for-TV movie starring Stephen Webber. Yeah, the Wings guy. Because everybody knows that that was wonderful. That's the version Stephen King prefers. Yeah.

He hated the Kubrick version. Yeah. Rightly so, I might add. Really? Why? It's good. Because they made up... Well, first of all, the thing about the book was that the thing that was the focal point

of the book was his alcoholism. Right, yeah. His struggle with the alcoholism. And you just don't see that in the Kubrick version. I definitely, that's how I, in my analysis of it, I would say it's still about alcoholism,

although they really don't play on it. They really don't talk about, I mean, they also don't, like you don't see any of this, like, I mean, there's probably hard to do some flashbacks with his father, but you don't see how, you know,

he's got his own struggles with his father. And then that comes out with Danny. And then there's also things that they made up that aren't even in the book like the twins. There's no twins in the book. There's no elevator with blood coming out. None of these things. It's like Kubrick is just a visual. You're allowed to make up stuff

for a movie. You don't have to with Stephen King. It's not like Stephen King's an author where you're like, oh God, you really didn't bring it this time. I don't like that. If you're going to make up stuff, don't call it The Shining then. You know what I mean? If you're going to change it.

Yeah, but it would have been too, I mean, come on. That would have been like. Call it The Shiner. I think The Shiner. Or as The Simpsons did, The Shining. The Shining. The Sheen. Shining it up by Stanley Kubrick.

What are you trying to get done? Call it The Dull Glow. Prepare to get shined. The Shiner. to get the dull glow to get shined the shiner what did you take the the final image of jack nicholson being in the uh the the picture of the the um where he's sticking his head in the door and that's another thing no no no remember at the end of the movie it's at the ball oh and he goes whatever that was like chilling i mean but that's not of course what happens in the book at all either he doesn't get absorbed interpretation of that well that he that he's absorbed back into the house because

that's what happened yeah that's what the bartender says to him too he's like you've always been here whatever i took it as he was so he wanted to like drink so bad that like his reward for driving people out of the house staying there sucked into the party for the for like ever that too yeah there's also i guess another complaint was that there's that scene where he's like here's johnny they just made it fun it's not he's not a funny he was a frightening it was a yeah but that was frightening when he said it i mean it's not like he was like he ad-libbed that still enough of a comic relief so that you were like and also i didn't like the casting choice i'm just gonna sound so annoying now but shelly long

is that the wife yeah she could not be more 70s nobody could have that face in any yeah you're actually correct about that because remember in um annie hall she played the uh journalist who worked for rolling stone right and he slept with her and it's like yep you were made for that decade all right yeah also uh margo margaret kidder margo kidder margo kidder oh she her voice she's she's she's got kathleen turner voice now well is she still alive margo kid yeah i think she's in the nut house oh yeah she went crazy anyway she had kathleen turner voice when she was in the 80s she's smoking like six packs a day or something craziness. That's bad. Have you ever noticed that some people... I watched this movie that came out with

Jeremy Piven and Rob Lowe. It's actually a good movie. It's called I Melt With You. Never heard of it. Rob Lowe. It was about these four guys. It was the guy that played the Punisher. Who was that guy? Thomas J. Are they in college?

They're friends from high school and they meet up like once a year on somebody's birthday and they rent this beach house. Yeah, that sounds familiar. And they just party and do drugs all weekend. Don't they kill a hooker or something? Or am I thinking something else? No, that's very bad things, Christian Slater. Thank you.

But you're close. I just want them to kill a hooker in every movie. That's all I'm looking for. That sounds. We'll just do that later. I mean, I don't go to the movies to see them not kill a hooker. I'm here for the popcorn and the dead hooker.

One or the other. Not one dead hooker in the Avengers, by the way. That's why I refused to. Anyway, go ahead. In this movie, they have these brief flashbacks of the actual actors when they were young. Jeremy Piven has got the Benjamin Button of hairlines in that

it gets like... He's like he never had hair. Don't you ever... Watch Say Anything. He had no hair in Say Anything. Have you noticed that Jason Alexander is trying to pass off that he's not bald?

I think we talked about this before. Yeah, but I want to see what James' thing before. He was in one of the Friday the 13th films. No, he was not. Jason Alexander? Wrong. Yeah, he was. George Costanza? I'm pretty sure. Google it. What do we want to wager on this? I have no money. No, we're not doing money.

You have to... Help me out, Josh. What? If you lose, you have to call Professor, Josh. Um, what? If you lose, you have to call Professor Griff on the phone. Who's Professor Griff? I think we need to do that anyway. Let's take a break and call him. Are you serious?

Alright. Okay, let's take a break. No, let's bet. Let's do a bet. If I lose, I'll do it. Wait, what is the bet? If Jason Alexander is in one of the friday the 13th films all right then i then mike is calling professor griff all right we'll hear a commercial i need some water yeah let's let's let's take a commercial break and then let's see if we can

get a hold of uh professor griff hi i'm jim tisdale and if i were a man i would certainly join the u.s army all right so listen we tried to call professor sorry yeah we don't need to discuss man, I would certainly join the U.S. Army. Alright, so listen, we tried to call Professor Griff. Sorry, yeah, we don't need to discuss this all We tried to call Professor Griff from somebody's cell phone. We know that part, but in case some people don't know like I didn't know. Oh, Professor Griff

of public fame public infamy public enemy fame and not inamy. Public enemy fame. And not in fact of McDonald's fame. As I keep picturing Professor Grimace in my head. We tried to call Grimace. Grimace earned the label of professor.

Grimace doesn't have digits. Somebody went to college. Can't work at McDonald's forever, I guess. He's a professor now. Picturing Grimace with like... He's like balding. Yeah, he's balding a little bit and has like a cardigan. He just lost it.

He's sitting in his favorite chair and he sees his phone ring. And don't forget, now that he doesn't work at McDonald's, he's lost a lot of weight. A lot of weight. Like real. But he looks kind of weird, yeah. Yeah, because he's got like, he's got Al Roker skin. Yeah, right. Just hanging off of him. They don't know what to do with it. He's got Al Roker's skin. Just hanging off of him. They don't know what to do with it.

He has Al Roker's skin. That's the worst. In a jar. We didn't get a hold of Professor Griff. Jason Alexander was not in a Jason movie. Friday the 9th.

He was in... Could you stop being so excited for one minute. He was in, and we'll find this later. Sorry, I'm yawning. Could you stop being so excited for one minute? He was in some horror movie. I can see it in my head. I can see the scenes in my head where he's at some camp. I think I know what you're talking about, but I don't know what you're talking about. Kramer was there. Kramer versus Kramer.

They were both there. Both Kramers. I think we should wrap this up. Let's wrap it up. Jen, anything you want to plug here at the end, if anybody's made it to the end? They've made it. You can find me on the twats.

On the twats. Listen to her twats. At Jen. Listen to your twats. J-E-N-N underscore. Oh, you're an underscore. Tisdale. Apparently it's available now, but I don't feel like changing it. Right right that's where you can find me Jim Tisdale a popular name combination

well Ashley Tisdale the of high school musical fame has a sister named Jen Tisdale and she's done some acting enough to screw me over and if you're in this immediate area I think on September 6 I'm gonna be doing color me funny Color Me Funny. You've done it, right? Where is it? Somewhere in Federal Hills. It's like day... It's a place I didn't recognize. Brandon Lascure's room. This one's in Federal Hills.

It's a place that begins with a D, I thought. I know what you're talking about, but I don't know the name. I know Brandon Wardell will be with me, who I love. Come visit. Alright. Michael, you'll be doing uh on tuesday you'll be doing the wham city uh comedy night city comedy night should be a lot of fun um i guess that's all okay yeah and then some improv shows i don't know when but yeah yeah that's all right hey

hey we'll plug some shit at the beginning. But for now, everybody. Fix it in post. Yeah, we'll fix this in post. What about you, Josh? Same thing, just improv shit going on. I can't think of stuff right now. I don't know.

But check out digressionsessions.com. If you're listening, everyone, go back to the beginning when you were first listening. Yeah. And that way, just remember. All you got to do is remember an hour and a half ago and you'll know what dates we're talking about. Yeah, we're kind of Quentin Tarantino pulp fictioning this. Exactly.

We're going to break it up in chunks. This chapter is called New Beginning Titties. New Beginning Titties. New Jack Titties. Thank you. New Jack Titties. Well done. All right.

Let's end with a message from our guest. Hi, I'm Jim Tisdale. And if I were a man, I would certainly join the U.S. Army. All right. All right. This message was paid for you by, I did. I paid for this. Handsomely, too.

Dearly. Do you prefer the term little people or midget? Oh, wrong one. Hold on. Here we go. Do you prefer little people or midgets? Okay, you didn't have to sing it. All right. All right.

Thank you, everybody. It was much funnier. Thank you. Oh midget Oh midget